|
|
The Crouton Generation Archives
STAR TREK: THE CROUTON GENERATION
EPISODES #302-334
Date: Tue, 8 May 90 10:29:27 MDT
From: moore_es%cubldr@spot (Fizzix Dude)
Subject: Next on "Star Trek: The Crouton Generation"
"Event Horizon"
The Kunz appears aboard the Croutonprize in the guise of Albert
Einstein and increases the ship's gravitational constant by twenty
orders of magnitude. The ship immediately begins to undergo grav-
itational collapse, drawing precariously close to its Schwarzschild
radius. Captain Crouton and Zortyl Wankoid desperately speed into
action in a last-ditch effort to install the as-yet untested Bistro-
matic Drive Mark II. Only the Bistro-matic Drive's ability to re-
order the laws of mathematics can turn the ship's gravity into levity.
Will they succeed in time, or will the crew have to face the effects
of the Rubberband Effect? Find out on the next "Star Trek: The
Non-Minkowski Generation"!
--------------
Date: Tue, 8 May 90 20:41:31 MDT
From: reid_jh%cubldr@spot (Crossfire)
Subject: ST:TCG "We Will Always Have Gremlins"
Next time, on an All-New episode of Star Trek: The Crouton Generation--
"We Will Always Have Gremlins"
While travelling through the Dynoblatt System, the Croutonprize is attacked by
an alien ship whose crew seems to have gone utterly mad. Upon intense
negotiations on the part of Captain Crouton (and a large crouton torpedo from
Highlander), the aliens tell the Croutonprize that their ship, the HVR-C Shell,
has been invaded by small, irritating creatures that are tearing up their wave
propigation programs. Can Zortyl Wankoid find a way to rid the HVR-C Shell of
their unwanted pests? Can Highlander keep the gremlins out of Zen? Will Jez
the Wonder Kitty, in a particularly bouncy mood, croutonize over to the ship
and go after the gremlins? Can Missy find a way to modify the lights to kill
the Gremlins? Find out on the next exciting episode of Star Trek: The C-Shell
Generation.
NOTE: This episode guest stars Peter Cushing as the alien captain.
#==============Zen===Ship's=Computer=USS=Croutonprize=NCC=1741C===============#
--------------
Date: Tue, 8 May 90 20:46:37 MDT
From: reid_jh%cubldr@spot (Crossfire)
Subject: ST:TCG "Teenage Mutant Ninja Bacos"
Next time, on an All-New episode of Star Trek: The Crouton Generation--
"Teenage Mutant Ninja Bacos"
The bacos make a surprise appearance at Starbase Harvard during their Finals
period, this time unleashing their newest, nonlinear form: specially trained
mutated bacos. They promptly wreak complete havoc on all the Starbase's
systems, and Commander Kabeta sends out another of her famous coded distress
signals ("I've deleted it again!"). Will the Croutonprize arrive in time to
rescue Starbase harvard from the Ninja Bacos? Can Commander Kabeta and her
staff capture the Bacos' mentor, Thorn, and hold him for ransom? Will Jez the
Wonder Kitty finally get the lights on in Soraya's quarters where Missy and
Soraya are looking for keys? Find out on the next SHREDDER episode of Star
Trek: The Crouton Generation.
#==============Zen===Ship's=Computer=USS=Croutonprize=NCC=1741C===============#
--------------
Date: Tue, 8 May 90 20:52:48 mdt
From: zecca (2 days until Kris comes home)
Subject: ST:TCG
Next time, on an all-new episode of
Star Trek: The Crouton Generation
"Sunrise Over the Croutonprize"
Captain Crouton tries to pull another all-nighter in the Croutonprize
computing center, but finds himself dozing off at the console at 0400
ship time. When he awakens two hours later, he finds the ship to be
deserted. No crew, no keys, no Jez the Wonder Kitties. The lights are
fully functional, no camcorders are to be seen, and Zen is acting
peculiarly unlike himself. Has Captain Crouton finally lost his command?
Has he finally lost his mind? Or is this some evil plot to break
Captain Crouton for everything he knows?
Special Guest Star: Donald Pleasance
--------------
Date: Tue, 8 May 90 20:59:56 MDT
From: reid_jh%cubldr@spot (Crossfire)
Subject: ST:TCG "timmit Through the Tulips"
Next time, on an All-New episode of Star Trek: The Crouton Generation--
"timmit Through the Tulips"
In an attempt to beautify the exterior of the Croutonprize, Ensign Turner
plants a new species of tulip bulb on the hull. However, when they sprout,
these tulips immediately send tenacious tendrils throughout the ship, causing
strange messages to appear on all the terminals throughout the ship. These
messages consist of lyrics from Meatloaf and other obscure 20th Century rock
groups. Can Zen stand all this new CPU knoise? Will Captain Crouton give up
and go to 10-forward and have a root beer with Zen? Can Highlander avoid
saying any expletitives for the duration of this episode? Will Jez, the
Wonder Kitty, finally get some new Pounce from Soraya? Find out on the next
Fully-Illuminated Episode (Missy managed to fix the lights) of Star Trek: The
Crouton Generation.
#==============Zen===Ship's=Computer=USS=Croutonprize=NCC=1741C===============#
--------------
Date: Tue, 8 May 90 21:07:45 mdt
From: zecca (2 days until Kris comes home)
Subject: ST:TCG
On the next parental guidance suggested episode of
Star Trek: The Crouton Generation
"Menage A Gretzky"
The Croutonprize puts in at Starbase Harvard for supplies and shore leave
and Commander Kabeta uses the opportunity to film "shipboard life" on the
Croutonprize with her trusty camcorder. Unfortunately, she unwittingly
walks in on Lt. Gretzky, his wife Ens. Jones, and the Tulips engaged in
unspeakable acts. Will Gretzky be thrown out of the service for excessive
kinkiness? Or will Commander Kabeta be endangered when the Sneiz Garde
kidnap her in order to seize the tape for their own fiendish purposes?
Sneiz Garde Commander: "We will return Commander Kabeta...for a price."
Captain Crouton: "This is devious! Let her go! And return that tape --
that's Federation property."
Suddenly, the red alert is sounded as Commander Bloocheez's HVR ship,
the _C Hag_, warps into the sector.
Captain Crouton: "Damn..."
*****
Special Guest Star: Karl Malden as the Sneiz Garde Commander
and Guns 'n' Roses as the Tulips
---------------
Date: Tue, 8 May 90 21:18:11 MDT
From: reid_jh%cubldr@spot (Crossfire)
Subject: ST:TCG "Finally Finals!" REPOST
Next time, on an All New episode of Star Trek: The Crouton Generation--
"Finally Finals!"
The crew of the Croutonprize is beset by the combined forces of all their alien
enemies, who give them each final exams. This deprives our hapless heroes of
sleep, food, and breathing time. Can Missy alter the harmonics of the ship's
sheilds in order to bounce off the attacks? Will Captain Crouton spontaneously
combust from the onslaught of another Atomic and Nuke final? Will Admiral
Avenger go into a depressive phase and merely whither away? Can Jez the Wonder
Kitty get any attention as Soraya's keys and the lights struggle to get
mentioned?
#==============Zen===Ship's=Computer=USS=Croutonprize=NCC=1741C===============#
--------------
Date: Tue, 8 May 90 21:26:42 MDT
From: reid_jh%cubldr@spot (Crossfire)
Subject: ST:TCG "The Ultimate Rootbeer"
Next time, on an All New episode of Star Trek: The Crouton Generation--
"The Ultimate Rootbeer"
Captain Crouton decides to create the perfect rootbeer and programs Zen to
synthesize trial after trial, each of which the Captain samples himself. Of
course, he gets completely carbonated. Will Mordred Lotson have to toss the
captain out of 10-Forward for drunk and disorderly conduct? Will the captain
sneak into Dr. Flieder's quarters and show her the so-called "Crouton
Maneuver?" Will Soraya and Missy manage to coax Jez out from under the couch?
Find out on the next slightly tipsy episode of Star Trek: The Crouton
Generation.
#==============Zen===Ship's=Computer=USS=Croutonprize=NCC=1741C===============#
--------------
Date: Tue, 8 May 90 21:41:57 mdt
From: zecca (2 days until Kris comes home)
Subject: ST:TCG
On the next exciting and cliched episode of
Star Trek: The Crouton Generation
"The Key to Rhyme"
Captain Crouton: "Captain's Log, Stardate 98864.3. The Croutonprize is
en route to the Beta Gamma Niobe system to deliver medical supplies for
a Klingon Measles outbreak there. All is going smoothly and Lt. Midzor
assures me the lights will be on when we arrive in four hours."
< RED ALERT > < RED ALERT > < RED ALERT >
Crouton (leaving his ready room): "What's going on?"
Acting Lt. Chuang: "Hidden Valley Rancher at 4 o'clock."
Crouton: "Identity of vessel?"
Highlander (who has hopped up to the Security station): "It's F***ing
Commander Bloocheez's ship, the _C Hag_!"
Crouton: "Himle, full stop. Open a hailing frequency."
Counselor Neon: "The _C Hag_ is hailing US, Captain."
Crouton: "Good enough. Put him on screen."
Commander Bloocheez: "My dear Captain Crouton..."
Highlander: "Cut the crap, Bloocheez."
Bloocheez: "It's nothing to lose your head over, Commander."
Crouton: "What do you want?"
Bloocheez: "It appears one of your crew members has lost her keys.
I am simply here to return them."
Crouton: "Hidden Valley Ranchers do NOTHING simply, Commander. What's
the catch?"
Bloocheez: "There is no CATCH, Captain. (evil smile) I assure you we
are here simply on friendly terms."
Chuang: "The _C Hag_ has powered down all weapons and has lowered her
shields."
Highlander: "Crouton Torpedoes are locked on target and ready to go."
Crouton: "No need for that, Number One. Commander Bloocheez, may I
assume we are simply to beam over the keys."
Bloocheez: "At your leisure, Captain."
Crouton: "Lt. Taubman, make it so."
Soraya's keys are beamed back to the Croutonprize, and the _C Hag_ turns
around and heads back for Hidden Valley Ranch space. Meanwhile, in Captain
Crouton's Ready Room:
Crouton: "That was very strange."
Highlander: "F***ing peculiar if you ask me. Something is wrong."
(WHOOSH) Lt. Cdr. Moore walks in, holding a terrified Jez the Wonder
Kitty in his arms.
Crouton: "What's wrong with Jez?"
Moore: "I think you should come out and see this yourself, mon capitan."
Entering the bridge, the crew are shocked to discover Lt. Ghiasi sitting
in the Captain's chair, reciting rap songs at high speed, and setting the
ship on a course into oblivion. Meanwhile, no one is able to get at her
due to the high intensity energy field her keys have thrown up around her.
Crouton (scratching Jez's ears): "No wonder you were afraid."
What sort of fiendish device has Commander Bloocheez used on Lt. Ghiasi?
Will Captain Crouton ever be able to regain control of the ship? Will
Jez ever be able to find the Pounce again? And most importantly, WILL
Missy get the lights on before they reach Beta Gamma Niobe IV?
--------------
Date: Wed, 9 May 90 19:16:38 edt
From: "My oxygen needs a brain (Russell, Kerri)"
Subject: ST:TCG
On the Next All-New episode of Star Trek: The Crouton Generation:
"The Hidden Valley Ranch Stressoids"
The most evil Hidden Valley Ranch Empire like totally infests Dickinson IV
with a new salad topping called "Stressoids." Majorly bad events occur. I
mean they are totally N.G., dude. See like, Commander half japanese totally
stresses out at dinner and starts pretending that Lt. Woj's onion ring is
actually a mouth and starts moving it and making it speak in a really, like
bodaciously high squeeky voice. Then half japanese continues her like
majorly wack-o-ness by like pretending the onion ring is like a space ship
or somethin and like finishes the act by like totally batter-ing (pun
intended) the poor defenseless onion ring and then dumps some salt on it to
make it a totally bitchin' case of assult and battery. The dudes at
Dickinson IV decide that their Commander's behavior is most non-triumphant,
and decide to call upon the Croutonprize to like deal with the situation.
Will the Croutons get there in time??? Will it be too late???? Will that be
a major bummer???? Will the announcer stop watching "Bill and Ted's
Excellent Adventure"??????? Will half japanese ever learn that only like one
question mark is necessary????? Will this episode mention a certain feline
or a person with a light fixation or a Buddhist computer????? Gads! Find
out on the next excellent adventure of Star Trek: The Crouton
Generation...(as half japanese freeks out to survive...)
Kerri "half japanese" Russell signing off, dude. Leaving you with some of my
favorite song stuff....
--------------
Date: Wed, 9 May 90 22:24:20 mdt
From: ghiasi (GHIASI SORAYA)
Subject: ST:TCG
ON THE NEXT EXCITING EPISODE OF STAR TREK: THE CROUTON GENERATION
CAT NAP
While investigating a new computer virus planted by the Hidden Vally Ranch
Empire, Lt. Zortylwankoid is struck by an novel new disease with no known
cure. Suddenly Wankoid is sleeping even more than Jez the Wonder Kitty (as if
it were possible). While Wankoid is taking one of his many catnaps disaster
strikes the Croutonprise. Bloocheez attacks and unleashes yet another virus
on Zen. This new virus causes Zen to sing silly muppet songs (off-key, of
course) while turning the lights on and off in an apparently random pattern.
Will Wankoid wake in time to save the day? Will Jez the Wonder kitty have
to try to rid Zen of this new virus by himself? And where have Lt. Ghiasi's
keys gone to this time?
Soraya
--------------
Date: Thu, 10 May 90 01:16:38 mdt
From: zecca (The Admiral)
Subject: ST:TCG
Next time, on the third in a trilogy of episodes of
Star Trek: The Crouton Generation:
"Back to the Suture III"
Admiral T'Lilith's overenthusiastic hug upon her return from planet Bemis
leaves Admiral Avenger in severe pain. Can the Croutonprize and Doctor
Flieder arrive in time to put the Admiral in traction or will he never
be able to walk again? As Jez tries to find Admiral T'Lilith a chair...
---------------
Date: Thu, 10 May 90 01:16:50 mdt
From: chuangn (The Mad Minstrel)
Subject: Next on ST:TCG...
"I.C. Lab Reports"
Down in the unexplored regions of the Engineering Center, Acting Lt.
Neal Chuang and some of his colleages from the Starfleet Academy are
working non-stop doing experiments and writing up lab reports in record
time... However, suddenly the power goes out, and all activities cease.
Acting Lt. Chuang and his colleagues Christy, Jeanne, and Scott ask for
an extension to turn in the write-ups, but the Mayflower (the professor of the
lab) replies with a smile, "That's life!"... Will and the Glairon be able
to get the power back on in time on time for Chuang and his colleagues
to finish the experiments? Will they be able to do the write-ups in time?
As the crew struggles to survive on the next episode of The I.C. Generation.
--------------
Date: Thu, 10 May 90 14:48:21 MDT
From: reid_jh%cubldr@spot (Crossfire)
Subject: ST:TCG "Tulip Pursuits"
Next time, on an All New episode of Star Trek: The Crouton Generation--
"Tulip Pursuits"
Ensign Turner's originally warm reception on the Croutonprize soon turns sour
when he abuses his Junk Mail priveleges. Can Counselor Neon help Turner to
overcome his addiction to sending out nothing 60-70 little messages to Junk
Mail? Will the ship's entertainment officer learn Junk Mail etiquette in time
to prevent Soraya and Zen from phasering him out of existence? Will he ever
learn that everybody but him has mail sheilds that filter out everything he
sends? Can Jez the Wonder Kitty lower Turner's blood pressure long enough to
remind him to water his tulips? Find out on the next exciting episode of Star
Trek: The Very, Very Irritated Generation.
#==============Zen===Ship's=Computer=USS=Croutonprize=NCC=1741C===============#
--------------
Date: Thu, 10 May 90 22:21:14 MDT
From: reid_jh%cubldr@spot (Crossfire)
Subject: ST:TCG "Ping Pong"
Next time, on an All New episode of Star Trek: The Crouton Generation--
"Ping Pong"
The Hidden Valley Ranch Empire unleashes it's new weapon on the Federation:
a device that pings their computers an infinite number of times. Through all
the noise, the computers can't function at all. Zen, Typhoon, the main
computer at Starbase Harvard, and in fact all the computers in the Federation
become inoperative. Can the crew of the Croutonprize manage to jump-start
their engines and operate without Zen? Will Admirals Avenger and T'Lilith tire
of hearing the SFHQ main computer singing "Daisy, Daisy?" Will Jez, the Wonder
Kitty, in a particularly bouncy mood from an extra ration of Pounce, scare
Missy in the darkness of Main Engineering where she's trying to fix the shorted
lights? And where do Soraya's keys fit into this episode? Find out on the
next exciting episode of Star Trek: The Alive! Generation.
#==============Zen===Ship's=Computer=USS=Croutonprize=NCC=1741C===============#
--------------
Date: Fri, 11 May 90 13:57:41 edt
From: "My oxygen needs a brain (Russell, Kerri)"
Subject: ST:TCG
On the Next Episode of Star Trek: The Crouton Generation
(what an exciting beginning...)
"Return of the Stressoids"
Dickinson IV finally rids itself of the Stressoids sent by the most evil
Hidden Valley Ranch Empire. Or so they thought...For they soon discovered
(DAHN DEE DEE DANN) (it's hard to type music...) a new product in the food
dispenser called "Stress-bits" which turned out to be another salad topping
sent by the evil Hidden Valley Ranch Empire. Will half japanese recover from
the new product, and will she stop worshiping the porcelin (how is that
speeled anyway) god before her finals???? Well the spots on her face ever go
away??? Will this episode get any more disgusting???? Will half japanese ever
learn that only one question mark is necessary???????????? Will she kerr????
As the GPA fights to survive...
Kerri "half japanese" Russell
"The Trez"
--------------
Date: Fri, 11 May 90 21:46:59 MDT
From: moore_es%cubldr@spot (Fizzix Dude)
Subject: Next on "Star Trek: The Crouton Generation"
"Father Knows Best"
The entire crew of the Croutonprize is major stressoids over
preparations for Starfleet inspections. Suddenly a new,
benevolent multi-dimensional being appears aboard the ship in
the guise of a long-forgotten twentieth-century patriarch with
a container of a dark, brown liquid known as Sanka. "Relax,
relax," he says to the crew. "What you need is a decaffeinated
coffee." The crew fights desperately to retain its caffeine fix
and survive the last few days of preparations. Will they succeed,
or will they be dragged kicking and screaming into java withdrawal?
Find out on the next "Star Trek: The Rehab Generation."
--------------
Date: Sat, 12 May 90 13:56:27 MDT
From: moore_es%cubldr@spot (Fizzix Dude)
Subject: Next on "Star Trek: The Crouton Generation
"Bedknobs and Breadsticks"
A routine survey of the newly discovered Morigan traps the crew
of the Croutonprize in a necromantic nightmare, when they en-
counter two alien beings that seemingly command the laws of na-
ture. Captain Crouton, Lt. Ghiasi, and Dr. Flieder croutonize
down to the planet's surface to investigate the cause of a crew-
man's death (he was a red shirt, but of course!) They are soon
captured and mercilessly locked away in a dark, damp junior lab
with antiquated and non-functional equipment. It turns out that
the two aliens are actually the evil Riddler and Dr. Love in dis-
guise, plotting to take control of the Croutonprize and pave the
way for their races to carry out a full-scale invasion of the
galaxy. Will Captain Crouton see through their deception in
time and be able to resist their efforts to bribe him into silence
with a lifetime's supply of root beer? Find out on the next
"Star Trek: The Root Beer Generation."
---------------
Date: Sat, 12 May 90 13:59:45 MDT
From: moore_es%cubldr@spot (Fizzix Dude)
Subject: Next on "Star Trek: The Crouton Generation"
"Xenomorph"
The Croutonprize picks up what they interpret to be a distress
signal from the Zeta Reticuli sector and go in to investigate.
They trace the signal to a derelict ship on RV-624 and send an
away team down to investigate. Lt. Himle becomes separated from
the rest of the away team after entering the ship and stumbles
across a room filled with tiny green spores. Some of the spores
enter his spacesuit through microscopic pores and are inhaled
into his lungs. He is immediately overcome by the alien contagion.
He is soon found by the rest of the away team and croutonized
back aboard the Croutonprize. Dr. Flieder analyzes him and finds
that he has contracted a malevolent alfalfa sprout infection.
She feverishly works to save Lt. Himle's life, while the crew
must attempt to find a way to flush out the remaining spores from
Himle's suit from the Croutonprize. Will they succeed in finding
a Romulan ship to beam the spores to, or will they soon all suc-
cumb to health-food nightmare? Find out on the next "Star Trek:
The Alien Generation."
--------------
Date: Sat, 12 May 90 14:00:16 MDT
From: moore_es%cubldr@spot (Fizzix Dude)
Subject: Next on "Star Trek: The Crouton Generation"
"Star Trek: The Alien Generation"
In effort to boost their ratings, the crew of the Croutonprize
takes aboard a new complement of crew consisting of five spotty,
bald-headed aliens (with no external ears). But (never begin a
sentence with a conjunction!) the crew has a difficult time ad-
justing to the appearances of the new crewmembers, and Dr. Flie
Flieder must hurriedly study twelve volumes of Alien-nation bio-
logy. Will the crew be able to learn to harmonize with these
new aliens? Will their ratings go up, or will they have to re-
sort to having one of the male aliens give birth on the bridge?
Find out on the next absolutely, positively, wonderfully, stu-
pendously, exciting episode of "Star Trek: The Crouton Generation."
--------------
Date: Sat, 12 May 90 14:00:41 MDT
From: moore_es%cubldr@spot (Fizzix Dude)
Subject: Next on "Star Trek: The Crouton Generation"
"Murry"
The crew of the Croutonprize discovers an earth-like planet pop-
ulated by a band of unruly children. For some mysterious reason,
all of the adults have died away and an away team consisting of
Crouton, Flieder, and Midzor is sent down to investigate. They
soon discover that early genetics research had led to the acci-
dental creation of a fatal acne infection that sets in when the
children enter puberty. Dr. Flieder frantically works to find a
crew for their facial blemishes with the help of an adolescent
named Murry, who develops a crush for Lt. Midzor. Will Dr. Fli
Flieder succeed in time, or will the away team die in pizza-face
torment. Find out on the next electrifying "Star Trek: The
Clearasil Generation."
--------------
Date: Sat, 12 May 90 14:01:10 MDT
From: moore_es%cubldr@spot (Fizzix Dude)
Subject: Next on "Star Trek: The Crouton Generation"
"Turnabout Crouton"
While Lt. Ghiasi and ***!!!*** Jez the Wonder Kitty ***!!!*** are
being croutonized aboard the ship from Starbase 50 (my 50th epi-
sode!), a sudden and momentary electrical outage from Melissa's
work produces an undetectable phase fluctuation in the croutonizer
field and causes Soraya's mind to switch places with Jez's. Jez
takes advantage of the situation, now that he has become the big
honcho on the bridge. He immediately reprograms the synthesizers
to produce all of the catnip and Pounce that his newly found heart
desires. He also makes use of his opposable thumbs to let himself
in and out of Soraya's cabin whenever he feels like it. Meanwhile,
Soraya desperately tries to mew the captain out of complacency and
make him realize what has happened. Will she succeed in time, or
will she have to learn to enjoy furry, little mice for the rest of
her life? Find out on the next hair-raising episode of "Star Trek:
The Feline Generation."
--------------
Date: Sun, 13 May 90 19:09:22 mdt
From: zecca (In cyberspace, no one can hear you screen...)
Subject: ST:TCG "The Most Chairs"
Next time, on an all-new episode of
Star Trek: The Crouton Generation
"The Most Chairs"
Dozing in the Captain's Chair one day, Jez the Wonder Kitty is surprised
when he awakens to the interior of another ship. All around him are chairs
of all sizes and variety. Mostly antiques, and apparently from all parts
of the galaxy, they appear to be part of some strange collection.
Meanwhile, back on the Croutonprize:
Crouton: "I shall require a chair."
Highlander: "I wonder who pulled this stunt?"
Crouton: "I shall require my chair."
Ghiasi: "Jez? Jez? Where are you, you stupid Wonder Kitty?!?"
Crouton: "Please have Lt. Midzor bring me a chair."
Zen: "Lt. Midzor is currently fixing the lights on Hollowdeck 2."
Crouton: "Then who shall bring me a chair?"
Counselor Neon: "I have better things to do anyway, Captain. I will
leave the bridge and you may have MY chair."
Ghiasi: "WHERE IS THAT CAT????"
Crouton (sitting in Counselor Neon's chair): "What's wrong, Soraya?"
Ghiasi: "Jez has disappeared. Last I saw him, he was sleeping in your
chair."
Highlander: "Then I bet we'll find Jez with whoever took your chair."
Crouton: "Mr. Chuang, long-range scan. Any sign of Jez the Wonder Kitty
or my chair?"
Will Captain Crouton get his chair back? Is Jez trapped forever as part
of a perverse antique collection? And will Missy discover the missing
link between the burned-out lights on Hollowdeck 2 and the missing chair?
Find out, as Soraya frantically searches for her cat...
--------------
Date: Sun, 13 May 90 20:15:41 mdt
From: zecca (Total Recall)
Subject: ST:TCG "Wonder Bread"
Next time, on an all-new episode of
Star Trek: The Crouton Generation
"Wonder Bread"
During a stopover at Starbase 142, many of the crewmembers buy tickets
to the Federation Lottery. Gathered in Ten Forward to await the drawing
of the winning ticket, many of the crew start celebrating a little too
early and start to get tipsy. Finally, the important moment arrives and...
...it appears that Jez the Wonder Kitty has won the big prize! However,
tempers erupt and Ten Forward quickly becomes a battleground. Will morale
on the Croutonprize hit an all-time low? Will Mordred have a bar left in
the morning? And will Jez live long enough to collect his credits as the
Croutons literally fight to survive!
---------------
Date: Mon, 14 May 90 15:27:52 MDT
From: reid_jh%cubldr@spot (Crossfire)
Subject: ST:TCG "Crash and Burn"
Next time, on an All-New episode of Star Trek: The Crouton Generation:
"Crash and Burn"
While out testing the modifications made by Missy, Soraya, and Jez to the
shuttlecraft Maalox, Crash runs into some problems, and then disaster strikes
the Croutonprize:
[Interior, Shuttlecraft Maalox. Lt. JG "Crash" Bockius is sitting at the helm.]
Crash: Okay, Croutonprize, I'm gonna try to raise the new shields. . .
[He presses a few buttons and the lights go out.]
Crash: Uh. . .Missy. . .
[Interior, bridge, Croutonprize. Missy is at the Engineering station, Soraya
is at Sciences Station 1, and Jez is sitting on the console next to her. All
others are at their usual posts.]
Missy: Dammit, I FIXED the LIGHTS.
Jez: Meow. Prrrup. (Maybe they don't know that.)
[an alarm sounds on Highlander's console.]
Highlander: Perimeter Alert, Captain!
Captain Crouton: Identify, Mr. Highlander.
[Highlander pushes some buttons.]
Highlander: It's a !#@$ing Hidden Valley Ranch Empire Ki-torit-kah class
battlecruiser! Coordinates. . .
[The Croutonprize is rocked by multiple hits from the battlecruiser's weapons.
Two security guards who were standing on either side of the bridge collapse,
dead.]
Captain: Sheilds to maximum. Dr. Flieder to the bridge. Arm all weapons,
lock tracking systems on target, and open hailing frequencies.
[The Croutonprize is rocked again by multiple hits. The lights go out.]
Missy: God dammit!
Captain: Damage report, Lt. Midzor.
Missy: Extensive damage to outer hull. Sheilds inoperative. Warp Drive
inoperative. External scanners inoperative. Snack bar inoperative. I can
have 20% power in fifteen minutes.
Captain: You've got one minute.
Highlander: #$@%! I say we hit 'em low and hit 'em hard!
Captain: Agreed. Commence rapid fire of all weapons.
[Interior, Shuttlecraft Maalox. Crash watches as the Croutonprize fires all
her weapons at the battlecruiser. They have little effect.]
Crash: Damn. They must have new shields from the Sniez Garde.
[He frantically operates the controls. The Maalox starts to move.]
[Interior, Croutonprize bridge.]
Highlander: Our $!$$ing weapons had no $%@@ing effect, goddammit!
[He starts to prowl around the darkened bridge and trips over Jez.]
[The emergency lights come up.]
Missy: There! Are you happy now?!!?
Captain: Well done, Missy. Now raise the shields.
Jez: Meow. Mroow. Prrrrr. (I've managed to restore power to the forward
visual scanners, sir.)
Captain: Good. Viewer on.
[The main viewer activates, presenting a picture of static. Highlander strides
purposefully to the screen and gives it a swift kick. The static coalesces
into a picture of the Hidden Valley Ranch Empire battlecruiser.]
Captain: Damage report.
Missy: Our shields are nonresponsive. All weapon systems are down. All
drive systems are down. We have extensive damage to both the primary and
secondary hulls. We only have enough power for 2 hours of life support.
And the lights are out over 79% of the ship, including 10-Forward.
Highlander: The @#$*ing enemies are hailing us, sir.
[a pause.]
Highlander: They wish to discuss our terms of surrender.
Captain: On screen.
[The picture fades to one of the Commander of the battlecruiser.]
Commander: Surrender or be destroyed.
[The picture fades back to an exterior view.]
Captain: We can't allow the Croutonprize to fall into their hands.
Highlander: No $@#$!
Captain: Missy, prepare to execute destruct sequence. . .
Soraya: Captain! Look! [she points urgently at the screen.]
[The Maalox is moving rapidly toward the battlecruiser from behind.]
Highlander: He's going to ram them!
Captain: He won't even penetrate their shields!
Missy [quietly]: Yes he will. The Maalox now has new, improved shielding
itself, as well as a new matter-antimatter propulsion system. He's going
to destroy them by ramming himself up their engines.
[Interior, Shuttlecraft Maalox. Crash finishes programming the computer and
sits back.]
Crash: Well. That's it.
[The battlecruiser's engines loom larger and larger in the shuttlecraft's view
port.]
[Interior, Croutonprize bridge.]
Captain: Croutonizer room! Lock onto the pilot of that shuttlecraft and
croutonize him directly to the bridge.
Taubman: Unable to comply. There's no power to the Croutonizer!
Captain: Missy, reroute power from anywhere to the Croutonizer! Now!
Soraya [quietly, looking at the viewscreen]: It's too late.
[Exterior, Croutonprize and battlecruiser. The Maalox impacts against the
battlecruiser's shields and they flash spectacularly.]
[Interior, shuttlecraft Maalox. Crash throws up his arms at the last minute.
The interior view of the Maalox is washed out in bright white light.]
[Exterior, Croutonprize and battlecruiser. The battlecruiser explodes, and the
Croutonprize is shoved back a ways by the radiation pressure.]
[Interior, Croutonprize bridge.]
Highlander: The battlecruiser. . .is destroyed, sir.
[Missy turns away from the screen. Soraya picks up and hugs Jez.]
[Fade to black.]
Good luck in the Navy, Crash! >>>Go Nuclear!<<<
#==============Zen===Ship's=Computer=USS=Croutonprize=NCC=1741C===============#
---------------
Date: Mon, 14 May 90 15:34:45 MDT
From: reid_jh%cubldr@spot (Crossfire)
Subject: ST:TCG "The Most Tulips"
Next time, on an All-New episode of Star Trek: The Crouton Generation:
"The Most Tulips"
While out on an unauthorized jaunt in the newest addition to the Croutonprize's
shuttlecraft fleet, the _Crash_, Ensign T. Turner is kidnapped, shuttlecraft
and all, by an alien who collects rare tulipheads. Will the crew of the
Croutonprize leave their Entertainment officer for dead? If so, who will
water the tulips in the mobilliary? Can Jez, the Wonder Kitty, locate the
shuttlecraft _Crash_ in time to save Turner from being turned inside out by
a rare disruptor? Will Soraya, Admiral Avenger, and Zen stop phasering
Turner's account now that they think he's dead? Find out on the next exciting
episode of Star Trek: The Tulip Generation.
#==============Zen===Ship's=Computer=USS=Croutonprize=NCC=1741C===============#
---------------
Date: Tue, 15 May 90 14:39:29 MDT
From: moore_es%cubldr@spot (Fizzix Dude)
Subject: One last "Star Trek: The Crouton Generation"
"Who Mourns for Moore?"
A routine stop at the Duane Fizzix Research Laboratory on Starbase 213
soon leads to tragedy.
The Croutonprize crew learns of the work of Dr. Sefoj Leindreit, who
has been conducting research on capturing and holding charged mini
black holes with super-strong static electric fields. The ultimate
goal of his research is to find a safe and effective means for
holding the mini black holes indefinitely, and harnessing the vast
amounts of energy produced by dropping ordinary matter into them.
But unknown to the crew, an Oyster Cracker spy has infiltrated the
top security lab in an effort to take control of Leindreit's research
work.
While passing by the lab late one evening, Lt. Cmdr. Moore notices
a shadow inside. Presuming it's Dr. Leindreit putting in some late
work, Moore decides to go in and visit. But he sees the pale yellow,
clammy skin of the intruder and immediately recognizes it to be an
Oyster Cracker. In the ensuing show-down, Lt. Cmdr. Moore and the
Oyster Cracker fight one another for control of the lab. During the
maelstrom of phaser fire, a stray phaser blast damages the computer.
The electric field shuts off and a whirlwind of debris and loose equip-
ment, as well as Moore and the Oyster Cracker, are sucked away into
the ebony orifice. Security forces arrive just in time to see Lt.
Cmdr. Moore's shrieking body stretched out like a piece of chewing
gum. Dr. Leindreit arrives soon after and is able to dump the black
hole out an emergency evacuation hatch.
Sadly, the crew pay their last respects to Lt. Cmdr. Moore on the
Hollowdeck and sadly limp on to their next assignment in the Trafal-
gar Sector. There will never again be someone as heroic as Lt. Cmdr.
Moore was during the Plattergeist incident and the Carbonate Maneuver,
or as undaunting as he was in prevent the Oyster Crackers from gaining
unlimited power. Or will there...?
---------------
Date: Wed, 16 May 90 10:59:15 mdt
From: zecca (Asleep on his feet)
Subject: ST:TCG "Rumor Mill"
Next time, on all-new episode of
Star Trek: The Crouton Generation:
"Rumor Mill"
Following the funerals for Lt. JG "Crash" Bockius and Lt. Cdr. Moore,
the crew of the Croutonprize is in a rather glum mood and puts in at
Starbase 179 for repairs. Rumors begin to spread that the Croutonprize
may be drydocked for the summer! What will the crew be able to find
to do in the meantime? Suddenly, the Ashby appears with a stack of
very thick E&M exams for the crew.
Ghiasi: "(gasp) Oh, no! The Ashby!"
Zen: "No! No! No! And I only just got done with the Kunz!"
Midzor: "As long as there aren't any questions about the lights!"
Jez: "Meow. Purr. Prrrup." (Oh, boy! E&M exams!)
Crouton: "Oooo, can I try?"
Ghiasi, Midzor, Zen, Kindig: "Go AWAY, Chris."
Ashby: "You have five days to fill all these books. Hehehehehehe."
Ghiasi: "And I only just finished my program!"
Zen: "Go AWAY, Soraya."
Crouton: "I think I'll rewrite my C compiler now."
Avenger: "Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz"
Will the Ashby exact his final revenge on the crew? Will the crew be able
to survive his barrage? And even if they do, will they be out of jobs for
the summer?
---------------
Date: Wed, 16 May 90 20:33:23 mdt
From: zecca (Bo knows Star Trek)
Subject: ST:TCG
On the next exciting ]-) episode of
Star Trek: The Crouton Generation:
"Admirals' Holiday"
Admirals Avenger and T'Lilith hop in the _Rampage_ for a few days of
R&R together. Meanwhile, the Croutonprize uncovers an Oyster Cracker
plot to kidnap the Admirals and hold them for ransom. Can the Croutonprize
reach the Admirals in time? Will they be able to break through the
Admirals' radio silence? Or will it be the Oyster Crackers who are
surprised by the power of the tiny _Rampage_?
Special Guest Stars: Penn and Teller as the Oyster Crackers
---------------
Date: Thu, 17 May 90 12:14:58 MDT
From: reid_jh%cubldr@spot (Crossfire)
Subject: ST:TCG "Love Letters"
Next time, on an All New episode of Star Trek: The Crouton Generation--
"Love Letters"
The evil Professor Love launches an all-out attack against Zen by telling the
Carl that he's a threat to his research project. The Carl then promptly blocks
all of Zen's attempts to get a job over the summer. Can Zen successfully
appeal to the Kunz and the Ashby to clear his name? Will Merle get his screws
tightened in time to help? Can Jez the Wonder Kitty ever find a way to keep
hold of Zen's walking stick? Will Zen be able to make rent payments over the
summer, or will he have to live under a bridge somewhere? Find out on the
next exciting episode of Star Trek: The i{i Generation.
#==============Zen===Ship's=Computer=USS=Croutonprize=NCC=1741C===============#
---------------
Date: Thu, 17 May 90 12:24:48 MDT
From: reid_jh%cubldr@spot (Crossfire)
Subject: ST:TCG "Quantum Mechanics"
Next time, on an All New episode of Star Trek: The Crouton Generation--
"Quantum Mechanics"
After failing the Kunz's evil mid-term, Zen resigns himself to another semester
of Quantum Mechanics, not to mention a ruined GPA and no chances of getting
into a graduate school program. At the last minute, however, Zen's old
chemistry professor Dr. Koval appears and dangles vague promises of a good
grade in chemistry in front of Zen's nose. Will Zen fall for this plot? Will
he realize that it's just another scheme of the evil Professor Love in time
to rememeber that quantum mechanics are people who fix quantums? Can Jez the
Wonder Kitty escape the grasp of a slightly inebriated Security Chief Stern
long enough to go get some Pounce? Find out on the next exhasperating episode
of Star Trek: The Finals Generation.
#==============Zen===Ship's=Computer=USS=Croutonprize=NCC=1741C===============#
---------------
Date: Thu, 17 May 90 15:46:00 MDT
From: reid_jh%cubldr@spot (Crossfire)
Subject: ST:TCG "Quantum Quandary"
Next time, on an All New episode of Star Trek: The Crouton Generation--
"Quantum Quandary"
The mischevious Kunz appears on the bridge of the Croutonprize and asks Captain
Crouton for his opinion. It seems that Kunz now faces the choice between
either curving his class grades by well over 100 points, or failing nearly
1/4 of his class. Will Captain Crouton help the Kunz make the right decision?
Can the Kunz overcome this new quandary? Is it just another plot by the evil
Professor Love? Can Jez the Wonder Kitty convince Soraya that he needs more
Pounce? Find out on the next exciting episode of Star Trek: The Let's-Take-
Quantum-Mechanics-Over-Again-Shall-We? Generation.
#==============Zen===Ship's=Computer=USS=Croutonprize=NCC=1741C===============#
---------------
Date: Mon, 21 May 90 03:03:19 -0600
From: zecca (Zen)
To: gaz@tramp
Subject: ST:TCG
Zen left this episode on my answering machine a little while ago:
Next time, on an all-new episode of
Star Trek: The Crouton Generation:
"Junk Mail"
Zen needs to read his mail because he's been carrying on an extensive
conversation with the Kunz, buuuut the evil Romulan spy Barbara Davis closes
all of the CNS facilities on campus. Can Zen get in contact with Admiral
Avenger in time to read his mail? Will Jez the Wonder Kitty manage to
convince Soraya to give him some more Pounce? Will Missy fix the lights
so that she and Soraya can find their keys before they have to move?
Find out on the next exciting episode of Star Trek: the Crouton Generation.
Warning: Most of the sentences in Zen's ST:TCG episodes are of a
dangerous length and were written by a highly trained author. On
no account should inexperienced writers attempt to duplicate them
without proper grammatical and stylistic supervision.
[ TCG Archives | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | TSG | TPG | Misc | Begin | End ]
|
|
