TWO LIVE CROUTONS

"As Crunchy As They Wanna Be"

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The Two Live Croutons are:

MC Moo-re		(Eric "Fizzix Dude" Moore)
The Rappin' Admiral	(Admiral Avenger)

With the grateful assistance of:
The Kunz
Kerri "Where's my mail?" Russell
Michael Dorn
Jez the Wonder Kitty
Gene "The Great Bird" Roddenberry

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Side 1
------
1. Croutons
    lyrics by Admiral Avenger
    to the tune of Monty Python's "Finland"
2. Emulating Just Fine
    lyrics by Eric Moore
    to the tune of "Clementine"
3. The Crouton Rap
    lyrics by Admiral Avenger
4. The Ballad of Jez the Wonder Kitty
    lyrics by Admiral Avenger
    to the tune of "The Ballad of Jed Clampett"
5. The Hacker
    lyrics by Eric Moore
    to the tune of "The Gambler"
6. The Lucky Charm Song
    lyrics by Admiral Avenger
    chuS'ugh accompaniment -- Michael Dorn
    To a mixed tune of Run-DMC's "You Be Illin'" and Madonna's "Lucky Star"
7. Star Trek
    lyrics by Gene Roddenberry
    performed by MC Moo-re
    Trumpet fanfare by the Rappin' Admiral

Side 2
------
8. -=- The Crouton Man II -=-
    lyrics by Admiral Avenger
    performed by MC Moo-re
    To the tune of Oingo Boingo's "The Elevator Man"
9. Sgt. Crouton's Lonely Cockroach Band
    lyrics by Eric Moore
    music by the Beatles
10. UNIX in the Sky with Croutons
    lyrics by Eric Moore
    music by the Beatles
11. When I'm Thirty-Four
    lyrics by Eric Moore
    music by the Beatles
12. Sgt. Crouton's Lonely Cockroach Band (reprise)
    lyrics by Eric Moore
    music by the Beatles
13. Croutons Are Forever
    lyrics by Admiral Avenger
    to the tune of Shirley Bassey's "Diamonds Are Forever"

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Croutons
==============================
Lyrics by Admiral Avenger
To the tune of Monty Python's "Finland"
==============================
Croutons, Croutons, Croutons
The loginname that I want to be
On the VAX or in UNIX
Or in C-One-Nineteen.
Croutons, Croutons, Croutons
Crouton munchies for me.

	They're so fried by S-Lab,
	So mushed by Latin,
	Arranged by the million,
	Miles and miles end to end.

Croutons, Croutons, Croutons
That's exactly what I want to eat.
Yes, at breakfast or dinner
Or for snack lunch in the hall.
Croutons, Croutons, Croutons
Croutons have it all.

	Scattered or deflected,
	All over the board.
	They move on to mailing
	The Zortyl Wankoid.

Croutons, Croutons, Croutons
The munchies that I quite want to be.
With crunches so softly
You can hear a pin fall.
Croutons, Croutons, Croutons
Croutons have it all.

>--> All together, junk-mailers!

Croutons, Croutons, Croutons
The munchies that I quite want to be.
With crunches so softly
You can hear a pin fall.
Croutons, Croutons, Croutons
Croutons have it all.
Croutons have it all.

---------------------
If you've enjoyed hearing this song, or would like to know more about
Croutons, why not e-mail Chris "The Crouton Man" Platt, platt@tramp or
CUBLDR::PLATT_C.  He or Connie "The Crouton Lady" Flieder would be glad
to answer any of your questions about Croutons and, who knows?, may show
you some of their unrivaled collection of half-eaten chef salads.

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Emulating Just Fine
====================
Lyrics by Eric Moore
To the tune of "Clementine"
====================

In a darkened boarding room,
Mid the piles of books and trash,
Lived a student, physics student,
Of the name Chris Platt.

Wrote he programs for his Northstar
All hours of the night.
Tried to make his li'l computer
Emulate just right.

Compilation errors plagued him
All throughout his code
Would he ever get it right
And be free of this load?

Success came one fine day
When he compiled one more time.
Zero errors in the code:
He could fin'lly see the light.

Emulating, emulating,
Emulating just fine.
His Northstar emulated
VT graphics just fine.


Stanza 1a to "Emulating Just Fine":

       His CD player was a haven
       For the roaches in his room.
       It was a nifty little place
       To live and raise their brood!

(Gilbert and Sullivan:  eat your hearts out!)

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	THE CROUTON RAP
========================================
Lyrics by Admiral Avenger
========================================

Well, look out Croutons, your Adm'ral is here
To rap about Junk Mail -- at the end of a year.
It started in September as a measly little joke
But now it reaches out to thirty or so folk.

Back in November, we moved it to gaz
And all off a sudden, it ended the spazz
Over a constantly changing junk mail list,
A problem solved with a flick of the wrist.  

January started with a little veneration,
But quickly turned into The Crouton Generation.
Again just a joke that I made come alive
BUT NOW WE'RE UP TO EPISODE 235!

Junk Mail is coming to a summer close,
But it'll back, surely everybody knows!
The mailer may move to another machine
But with similar people, we won't lose the dream.

Now thank you all for joining this great cast,
I won't forget you and you won't be the last.
You've kept me going through life's ups and downs
I hope you've felt the same in all your distant towns.

If you return in the fall and rejoin our zoo
Then you'll be a part of JUNK MAIL 2!



PDK:  I thought that was an "easy" composition.


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"THE BALLAD OF JEZ THE WONDER KITTY"
========================================
Performed by MC Moo-re and the Rappin' Admiral
Lyrics by Admiral Avenger
Rapped loosely to the tune of "The Ballad of Jez Clampett"
========================================
Come and listen to my story 'bout a cat named Jez,
A lonely little kitty all cooped up at Soraya's.
And then one day he sneaked out of her stateroom
And proceeded to the bridge with a thundering zoom.
	Z-z-z-zoom, z-zoom, (pause) z-z-z-zoom.

Well, the first thing you know, that cat's an officer.
He's got Lieutenant ranks somehow pinned onto his fur.
They said that at security he'd find himself a job,
So he fought off hordes of Kelvins and rescued Admiral Bob.
	Avenger, that is.  And Commander Bloocheez too...

Now Jez is assistant to Chief of Security,
Reporting to the all-time scoring leader Wayne Gretzky.
Our Black Knight is ready to take a nap, but says,
"Just keep me away from that little anti-Jez."
	Shenando, that is...the White Wonder...

"MEEOW meow mrow mrowp...MEOW!"

--------------------------------------------------

THE HACKER
==========
Lyrics by Eric Moore
To the tune of Kenny Rogers' "The Gambler"
==========
On a warm, summer's evening,
In the C.U. computing center,
I met up with a hacker,
We were both too tired to work.
So, we wasted time astarin'
At the output on our terminals,
Till eyestrain was unbearable,
And he began to talk.

He said, "Son, I've made a life out
Of readin' people's programs,
And knowing' what their bugs were
By the way the programs bombed.
So, If you don't mind my sayin',
I can see you're having problems.
For a taste of your Pepsi,
I'll give you some advice."

So I handed him my pop can,
And he drank down my last swallow.
Then he bummed a Hostess Twinkie,
And he wolfed it out of sight.
And the lab got deathly quiet,
And his face lost all expression.
Said, "If you're gonna get an 'A,' boy,
You gotta learn to program right.

Refrain:  "You gotta know your data structures,
          You gotta know your linking errors,
          Know the reals from the integers,
          And how to structure it.
          You never use a GOTO,
          When you wish to skip a process.
          There's a better way to do this:
          Just use the statement, IF.

"Ev'ry hacker knows that,
The secret to compilin',
Is knowin' what to edit,
And knowin' what to keep.
Cause ev'ry bug's a problem,
And loops can cause you trouble.
Don't confuse the 'Os' for zeroes,
And document your code."

And when he'd finished speakin',
He turned back to his station.
Threw away the Twinkie wrapper,
And logged off his account.
And somewhere in the background,
The hacker's process finished.
And I fin'lly got my program
To compile without a hitch.

[Refrain]

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The Lucky Charm Song
====================
Lyrics by Admiral Avenger
chuS'ugh accompaniment -- Michael Dorn
Tune bears loose similarity to "You Be Illin'" by Run-DMC with refrains
  similar to Maddona's "Lucky Star"
====================
Snap... (skip 3 beats)
Crackle... (skip 3 beats)
Pop... (skip 6 beats)
MICE KRISPIES!!!

We're the ultimate consumers, the biggest of bad.
We're not like any enemy that _Star Trek_'s ever had.
We're hungry for flesh and we're hungry for war.
If you try to stop us we'll just walk through your door.
We don't want your money and we don't want your land,
But if you try to feed us we'll just bite off your hand!

(Refrain)
We all are the Lucky Charms.
We will sniff you out...wherever you are.
Try to hide and try to escape
But you'll still end up on... (pause) ...our dinner plate.

We've been feeding our hunger all across your skies
And then one day we stumbled on the _Croutonprize_.
We made a beeline for your planets and homes
And there we had a feast and chewed your bones.
The Klingons were weak, but the Romulans were illin'
And when we got to Mars, we just had a ball killin'.

(Refrain)
We all are the Lucky Charms.
All your planets are just big people farms.
We follow our noses wherever they go
And find lots of food, don't you know?

The Borg were a problem, as we soon discovered
Adapting almost as fast as we recovered.
Their big mistake was their iron-rich brain
Which couldn't take dimensions beyond the main.
We opened you up to a big-time crumble
And then that's when your forces started to rumble.

(Refrain)
We all are the Lucky Charms.
When we get all hungry our fervor warms.
We come over the rainbow and into your homes
And evolution will turn us into gnomes.

We unleashed on Mars, and your forces collected
But then the Kunz Continuum interjected.
The Kunz used the talents of the bow-man Crossfire
Who caused our Masters to fret and expire.
So the end came for us and we lost all our power,
But did you throw out the weed or plant the flower?

(Refrain)
We all are the Lucky Charms
Our hunger continues wherever we are.
You think we were ugly and overtly malicious,
But frosted human limbs ARE magically delicious!

(fading in the background)
Frosted human limbs...
They're magically delicious!
They're magically delicious!
They're magically delicious!

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                      The Theme from Star Trek,
                          The TV Production
                      =========================
		      Lyrics by Gene Roddenberry
		      Performed by Eric Moore
		      Trumpet fanfare by Admiral Avenger
		      =========================

                      Beyond the rim of the starlight
                      My love is wand'ring in star flight.
                      I know he'll find in star clustered reaches
                      Love, strange love a starwoman teaches.

                      I know his journey ends never;   
                      His star trek will go on forever.
                      But tell him while he wanders his starry sea
                      Remember, remember me.

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-=- The Crouton Man II -=-
==============================
Lyrics by Admiral Avenger
From an idea caused by Kerri "Where's my mail?" Russell
Performed by MC Moo-re
To the tune of Oingo Boingo's "The Elevator Man"
==============================
Who's junking now...?

Who's junking now?  Who's junking now?  Who's junking now?

I live on my computer all throughout the night.
I live on my computer so I'll feel all right.
As I write more of my emulator, won't you take my pleas?
Send some more good junk mail to -=- The Crouton Man -=-.
I program in assembly...
On North Star technology...

I'm -=- The Crouton Man -=-.

Who's junking now?  Who's talking with me?
Who wants to discuss emulation in Fortran or C?
It's only just a start.
Won't you send more junk mail to -=- The Crouton Man -=-?

Who's junking now?

The links must be down again!

Who's junking now?  Who's junking now?  Who's junking now?

Who's junking now?  Who's junking now?  Who's junking now?

Please, VT Hundred, won't you work for me?
Let me log in twenty times, let it work on snoopy.
Let me plug directly into root right through my ears.
Borgify me quickly so I can be with my peers.
As they add arm attachments and an electronic hand
Don't you forget I'm -=- The Crouton Man -=-.
Moving through the Net all right.
Let me do it day and night.
Superuser mission of -=- The Crouton Man -=-.
I give the load a push, then feel it in the jaw.
Frequent migraine headaches for -=- The Crouton Man -=-.

Who's junking now?  Who's junking now?  Who's junking now?

Who's junking now?  Who's junking now?  Who's junking now?


Who's junking now?  Who's junking now?  Who's junking..?

Who's junking now?  Who's junking now?  Who's junking..?

Goodbye to sleep.  Goodbye to food.
Goodbye to the world that in it I did brood.
Goodbye to Plasma and to Roaches too.
I'm going to a place that is ripe and fresh and new.
Moving through the net all right.
Let me do it day or night.
A netrunning mission for -=- The Crouton Man -=-.
I give the load a push, then feel it in the jaw.
Frequent migraine headaches of -=- The Crouton Man -=-.
I program in assembly...
On North Star technology...
Running through the Net with -=- The Crouton Man -=-.
Looking at the world out there.
Wondering why to be aware.
All a day's work for -=- The Crouton Man -=-.

Who's junking now?  Who's junking now?  Who's junking..?

Who's junking now?  Who's junking now?  Who's junking..?

Who's junking now?  Who's junking now?  Who's junking..?

Who's junking now....................

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Sgt. Crouton's Lonely Cockroach Band
====================================
Lyrics by Eric Moore
Music by the Beatles
====================================
It was twenty years ago today,
Sgt. Crouton taught the band to play.
Their ratings go up and down,
And they're guaranteed to give a frown,
But may I introduce to you,
The act you've known for all these years:
Sgt. Crouton's Lonely Cockroach band.
We're Sgt. Crouton's Lonely Cockroach Band,
We hope you won't enjoy the show.
We're Sgt. Crouton's Lonely Cockroach Band,
Feel free if you desire to go.
Sgt. Crouton's Lonely,
Sgt. Crouton's Lonely,
Sgt. Crouton's Lonely Cockroach Band.
It's horrible to be here,
It really bums us out,
You're such an ugly audience,
We'd hate to take you home with us,
We'd hate to take you home.
I don't really want to stop the show,
'Cause you prob'ly don't care to know,
That the singer's going to sing a song,
And he wants you all to sing along,
But let me introduce to you,
The one and only C.L. Platt,
And Sgt. Crouton's Lonely Cockroach Band.

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UNIX in the Sky with Croutons
=============================
Lyrics by Eric Moore
Music by the Beatles
=============================
Picture yourself in a boat on a river,
With gallium trees and arsenide skies.
Somebody writes you, you answer quite slowly,
A girl with the silicon eyes.

Semiconductors of yellow and green,
Slowly encircle your head.
Look for the girl with the SUN in her eyes,
And she's gone.

Refrain:  UNIX in the sky with croutons,
          UNIX in the sky with croutons,
          UNIX in the sky with croutons.

Follow her down to a room full of stations,
Where C-shell-script people write purposeless code.
Everyone frowns as you drift pass their stations,
Logged onto multiple nodes.

Line-printer printouts appear at the desk,
Waiting to be taken away.
Search through your code for the errors to fix,
And you're done.

[Refrain]

Picture yourself in a queue on a system,
With bottlenecked batch jobs that eat up your time.
Suddenly someone is killing your process,
The girl with the silicon eyes.

[Refrain]

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When I'm Thirty-four
====================
Lyrics by Eric Moore
Performed by the Beatles
====================
When I'm a post-doc, in some research lab,
Many years from now,
Will my mental powers still be working fine,
Or will they be just hopelessly fried?
What will be left of my sanity,
Will I flip my gourd?
Will anyone want me, will anyone need me,
When I'm thirty-four?

I will be busy, mending a fuse,
When I blow the lights.
I will make the research lab a playground for,
Off-the-wall experiments and much, much more.
Soldering wires, tracing the leads,
Hope this doesn't blow!
Will anyone want me, will anyone need me,
When I'm thirty-four?

Maybe someday I'll do something right,
Making it worth the while.
I will figure out some brand-new physics law,
And become the pride of my ma and pa.
They'll give me the Nobel, oh finally,
And lots of needed dough!
Will anyone want me, will anyone need me,
When I'm thirty-four?

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Sgt. Crouton's Lonely Cockroach Band (Reprise)
==============================================
Lyrics by Eric Moore
Music by the Beatles
==============================================
We're Sgt. Crouton's Lonely Cockroach Band,
We hope you have despised the show.
Sgt. Crouton's Lonely Cockroach Band,
We're happy that it's time to go.
Sgt. Crouton's Lonely,
Sgt. Crouton's Lonely,
Sgt. Crouton's Lonely,
Sgt. Crouton's Lonely,
Sgt. Crouton's Lonely Cockroach Band,
We will not thank you once again.
Sgt. Crouton's one and only Lonely Cockroach Band,
It's getting very near the end.
Sgt. Crouton's Lonely,
Sgt. Crouton's Lonely,
Sgt. Crouton's Lonely Cockroach Band.

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Croutons Are Forever
====================
Lyrics by Admiral Avenger
To the tune of Shirley Bassey's "Diamonds Are Forever"
====================
Croutons are forever...
They always stay crunchy...
They stay hard and square and munchy...
They won't sleep in the night -- have no fear that they might
Dessert me!

Croutons are forever...
Hold one up and reflect on it...
Notice how it resembles Borg bits...
I can see every side, it's got nothing to hide
'cept caffiene.

I don't need sleep...
For what good would sleep do me?
Croutons program constantly...
They stay logged onnnnnnn.....
And on and on.....

Croutons are forever...
Grepping 'round a snoopy finger...
Unlike mail, the Croutons linger...
Mail is large and it's long but it can't fix an Old
North Star!

I don't need sleep...!
For what good would sleep do me?
Croutons never annoy me...
They just stay logged onnnnnn.....
And on and on...

Croutons are forever...forever...forever
Croutons are forever...forever...forever
Forever......and ever.....