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STAR TREK: THE CROUTON GENERATION
THE LUCKY CHARMS MINI-SERIES
(Parts 1 - 3)
Episode 61 of Star Trek: The Summer Generation &
Episodes #1 - 2 of Star Trek: The Crouton Generation Season 2
-----------------
Date: Sun, 26 Aug 90 00:32:35 -0600
From: zecca@tramp (Admiral Avenger)
To: junk@typhoon.ucar.EDU
Subject: ST:TSG (Part 1, LONG)
[ Captain Chow voice-over]
"Captain's Log, Stardate 100973.4:
We are en route to a priority one meeting with Commodore Bradford aboard
the _Croutonprize_. I believe it has something to do with these "Lucky
Charms" that our sister ship has had several run-ins with. My first officer
and I think this "Lucky Charm" business all sounds very silly, but it is
our obligation to consult on the issue."
Captain Chow leaves the turbolift, smoothing his uniform into place.
Chow: I hate these things. I wish we could get some regulation casual wear.
Counselor Tracy catches his juggling clubs and puts them away, then sits
back in his chair and puts his feet up. He is dressed out in very casual
clothing, without the least resemblance to a uniform.
Tracy: It's good to be the counselor.
Larkin: We'll be there in about fifteen minutes, Chi. We've received word
from the _Comatose_ that they'll arrive shortly thereafter.
Chow: Any other news?
Janson: Andrea Thompson pitched the tenth no-hitter of the year the other
night. That's a new major league record for no-hitters in the league in
one year.
Chow: Now that is impressive.
Harry: It looks like...it might be...it is! Ten ships have just entered
sensor range! Holy cow!
Chow: Ten? What the hell? Red alert!
Harry: < RED ALERT > < RED ALERT > We could sure use a wind blowing out to
right field just about now. < RED ALERT >
Janson: Positive identification...10 Hidden Valley Ranch ships of various
classes. It looks like the _C Hag_ is leading them in.
Larkin: Shields up. Load everything.
* * * * *
"Total Recall"
(Part 1 of 10)
Written by Admiral Avenger
Guest stars
Ed Begley, Jr. as Commander Bloocheez
Jose Canseco as Commander Q. Kumbir
Special Guest Star
Patrick Stewart as Admiral Jean-Luc Picard
And introducing
John L. Tracy III as Counselor Tracy
Directed by Michael "Mad Bob the Avenger" Zecca
* * * * *
Captain Crouton and Lt. Gretzky walk down the corridor quickly.
Crouton: Have all the arrangements been made?
Gretzky: The Captain's Yacht is ready to go. I've put Jez in charge of a
security detail that is already on board.
Crouton: All right. Give us another twenty minutes to get our people ready
and then signal the Ranchers to beam over their people.
Gretzky: Aye, Captain.
Gretzky continues down the corridor, while Captain Crouton stops at a door.
Commodore Bradford exits from the room in dress uniform.
Crouton: Oh -- should I change?
Bradford: Into what, Captain? A rabbit? No, I just thought that if I was
supposed to be in charge, I'd better look it.
Crouton: Good idea.
* * * * *
Ten Forward is fairly deserted, as it has been the past few weeks as ship's
efforts have been concentrated on the Lucky Charm mess. D'Arc Tangent,
Ensign Salaman, and Lt. Savan are collected at a table near the large
windows facing out toward two other Federation starships and ten Hidden
Valley Ranch ships. The red and yellow stars of the binary system that
was chosen for a rendezvous point shine brightly in the background.
Savan: There are all kinds of rumors floating around.
Salaman: Do you think the Lucky Charms are acting up again?
Tangent: Undoubtedly. The question is really where and why.
Savan: Yes, but why is Commander Bloocheez here?
Salaman: Another Kelvin uprising, perhaps?
Doors open and Lt. Chuang walks in and joins them.
Tangent: Neal, have you heard ANYthing about what's going on?
Chuang: Not directly.
Salaman: But...?
Chuang: The rumor around the bridge is that we're being recalled.
Savan: Why? Did we do something wrong? Did we --
Chuang: ALL of us. All three ships AND all of the Ranchers too.
Tangent: Now wait a minute. You're scaring me. Do you realize what
you're saying?
Chuang: Himle detected Lucky Charm ships heading out of the galaxy...
toward ours.
* * * * *
The Captain's Yacht detaches itself from the saucer section of the
_Croutonprize_ and moves to a neutral point amongst the various ships.
We slowly zoom in and then inside, to a luxurious and large conference
room at the ship's center.
Commodore Bradford waits at the head of the table, pouring over notes.
Captain Crouton, Commander Highlander, Admiral T'Lilith, and Lt. Cdr. Ghiasi
sit nearby. Jez the Wonder Kitty and his security detail are staged at
strategic points throughout the small courier ship.
Highlander: You know, this would be a perfect time for Bloocheez to blow
us all to bits.
Crouton: I don't think he will. There's too much at stake.
Highlander: Never underestimate your enemy.
T'Lilith: Perhaps, but it's nothing to lose your head over.
Several Croutonizer beams become apparent throughout the room and Captains
Chow and Boom-Boom, as well as Commander Bloocheez and the captains of the
other nine Rancher ships materialize. The move to various positions around
the table.
Bloocheez: Thank you for allowing us to share in your audience.
Highlander: You're being remarkably cordial today, Bloocheez. What the
F*** is your problem?
Crouton: Number One, please. We think you should be aware of the danger
involved, Commander. No one is safe. Not us. Not you.
Bloocheez: We shall see. Shall we begin?
Bradford: All right. (clears his throat)
* * * * *
Avenger: All right. I've taken care of it.
Picard: Then let's get the hell out of here. (gets up, suitcase in hand)
Avenger: Jean-Luc...
Picard: We can't guarantee her safety any more than that of any other
being in this galaxy. (pause, then a smile on his frail, aging face)
If it's any comfort, she's on board our best ship. I think she'll make
it even if the rest of us don't.
Avenger: All right. I just...feel so bad leaving like this...
Picard: Look, if someone isn't around to coordinate our defenses, then
we don't have a chance in hell.
* * * * *
Crouton: So, as you see, all our information hints that the Lucky Charms
are massing for a full-scale invasion of our galaxy.
Kumbir: How many of them are there?
Ghiasi: We have no idea. At least seven ships. But that might just be a
tiny task force.
Bloocheez: How dangerous can they be, really? I mean do we have any PROOF
that they're dangerous?
Bradford: Admiral T'Lilith, would you care to explain?
* * * * *
Larkin: What's taking them so long?
Tracy: Relax...it's probably nothing. How about a game of hearts in the
meantime? (begins shuffling cards)
* * * * *
Jez (whispering to Crouton): mrow. purr. mrow. mrow. (Priority one
message pod being received, directed for your and the Commodore's eyes
only.)
Crouton: We'll get it in the "radio room." (speaking up) Excuse us for a
moment. Commodore Bradford and I have to take care of something. We'll
be right back.
* * * * *
Avenger: Lucky Charm ships were detected penetrating the Energy Barrier at
the edge of the galaxy early this morning. Star Fleet Headquarters has
been evacuated until further notice and the Admiralty will be coordinating
Star Fleet efforts from a top secret location until further notice.
Picard: The weight is on your shoulders now. We need your assistance and
your information as soon as possible. As of this Stardate, all Federation
vessels are subject to Total Recall by Code One. War.
Avenger: Give my love to Admiral T'Lilith. I hope we can finally be
together once this mess is over.
[Message ends, viewscreen goes black.]
Crouton: S***.
Bradford: Moo on that.
* * * * *
"Captain's Log, Stardate 100999.9:
We are nearly home after the long trip at high warp from the Small
Magellanic Cloud. Our Hidden Valley Ranch companions have diverted toward
their sector of the galaxy and the _Chivalier_ and _Comatose_ have since
split off toward other sectors of the Federation.
We have just a received a priority one distress call from Starbase
Harvard and are proceeding there as quickly as possible. I just hope that
we get there before the Lucky Charms do."
* * * * *
Inside a Lucky Charm vessel, we see a dark-enshrouded figure, standing
approximately 17 feet tall. As we hear the slice-slice of moving mandibles,
we hear a booming, gutterral, hideous voice erupt from within the creature.
Lucky Charm: Frosted human limbs...they're magically delicious!
The Lucky Charm chuckles deeply as we see a very convoluted hyper-dimensional
image of the _Croutonprize_ on the viewscreen.
TO BE CONTINUED THIS FALL...
---------------
Date: Wed, 29 Aug 90 13:53:42 -0600
From: zecca@tramp (Admiral Avenger)
To: junk@typhoon.ucar.EDU
Subject: ST:TCG (**LONG**)
"Captain's Log, Stardate 101000.1:
We are just a few minutes from Starbase Harvard, whose distress call
has disturbed us ever since we received it just a few hours ago. We did
not expect the Lucky Charms to move so swiftly, but it now appears that
the fate of the galaxy rests in our actions of the next few weeks.
The Lucky Charms are unlike anything we have ever encountered before.
Traveling hyper-dimensionally, their large, colorful ships move by us
without warning. Their triple-helix DNA, high metabolism, and poison-
filled digestive systems makes them formidable opponents in person as well.
We could only sit back and watch as the population of Dresnel, a small
world we had befriended in the Small Magellanic Cloud, was eaten alive.
When the Lucky Charms turned on us, we would have been destroyed had it
not been for the swift intervention of the Kunz. Even the members of the
Kunz Continuum are frightened by the Lucky Charm menace.
As soon as we get our new chief medical officer, I'm going to have
to stock up on antacid. I hope Connie is happy working under the Star
Fleet Surgeon General."
Commander Kabeta, Lt. Cdr. Zenador, and Lt. Q. Torvald McDonagh, the
Starbase Harvard crewmembers that had joined the _Croutonprize_ for the
special mission in the SMC, stand uneasily at the edge of the bridge.
Ghiasi: Long-range scans are showing nothing in the immediate are of
Starbase Harvard or the planet it orbits.
Himle: They're around here somewhere. I can feel it.
Chuang: Matt...I'm sorry about all those cracks I made about the Lucky
Charms early on.
Himle: It's okay. Nobody knew...
Gretzky: Captain, there's something hovering off the starboard bow at about
ten thousand meters.
Crouton: Visual, if you please.
The viewscreen shows nothing but blank space. Suddenly, an immense purple
horseshoe shifts into our dimension.
Highlander: Red Alert! Arm everything!
Zen: < RED ALERT > < RED ALERT > Good bye, cruel world. < RED ALERT >
Wankoid: What the hell? (taps away at his keyboard)
Neon: Captain, they're not after us.
Crouton: What?
Neon (hinting toward the screen): Look.
The horseshoe moves swiftly and wraps itself around the Starbase itself.
Kabeta: Oh my god...
* * * * *
"The End of the Rainbow"
(Part 2 of 10)
Written by Admiral Avenger
Special Guest Star
Patrick Stewart as Admiral Jean-Luc Picard
Introducing
Jonathan "Zen" Reid as Crossfire
Directed by Rob Bowman
* * * * *
Crouton: Taubman, emergency evacuation procedure! Get everybody off the
Starbase now!
Taubman (intercom): All transporter officers, Code Three evacuation!
Midzor (intercom): We'll give you all the power we can and I'll be up
there shortly.
Highlander: F***!
* * * * *
Lt. Cdr. Crossfire strolls casually through the Starbase down one of the
hallways with windows facing out toward the black sky and yellow sun. He
notices that a large purple ship is hovering there menacingly. He taps
his communicator.
Crossfire: Starbase Security, is that ship authori--
The creature seems to step right out of the wall. It is about ten feet
tall, with large mandibles, dripping acid, burning small holes in the floor.
It reminds him mostly of a fat termite, with some aspects of a leprechaun
thrown in. 'A leprechaun? Why a leprechaun?'
Lucky Charm: You'll make a fine meal!
The voice is powerful, yet hideous at the same time. Crossfire's train
of thought ends as his combat reflexes kicks in. He draws his hand phaser
and fires. The creature flickers out of existence as the beam cuts through,
then solidifies when he stops.
Crossfire: S***! (Turns to run)
* * * * *
Missy runs into Croutonizer Room 3 as Starbase Science Officer yaz pistachio
stumbles from the pads. Lt. Taubman prepares the Croutonizer to bring up
two more officers.
Midzor: How's it going?
Taubman: Fine, except I think this unit's about to overload from overuse.
Midzor: Here, let me through.
Missy gets down underneath the Croutonizer Chief and removes a panel from
the console. She begins to dig around in the wiring with her sonic phase
wrench. Suddenly, sparks fly and the lights on the console blink out.
Taubman: Missy, you blew out the lights again!
Missy: I FIXED the damn lights! This is a Croutonizer problem.
* * * * *
Highlander: They're not even paying any attention to us!
T'Lilith: Why should they? We can't harm them and they have plenty of
other food ready and waiting.
Ghiasi: The planet? That's not good. Nope nope nope.
Crouton: Then we pull out a many survivors as we can, try to do as much
damage to their ship as possible, then we get the hell out of here.
Wankoid: Are you serious? You're going to let all those people die?
Neon: Do you have a better idea, Commander?
Crouton: Remember, this ship carries an ordinary crew complement of about
2000 people. We can carry at least 20,000 in an emergency. We've been
carrying less than 500 on our current mission. We'll have plenty of room.
T'Lilith: But that space won't last us forever. And we can't run forever
either, Chris.
* * * * *
Crossfire dashes into his quarters and pulls out his weapons trunk. He
removes an Italian 9mm Beretta, a six-inch hunting knife, and a belt of
sonic grenades. He moves to the wall, where he removes his favorite bow.
He draws a quiver containing a variety of arrows and straps it to his
shoulder. He then hears the message coming across the intercom.
Gretzky (ic): This is Lt. Gretzky aboard the Starship Croutonprize. We
are evacuating Starbase Harvard. Please use your communicator to contact
us so we may get you out. This is Lt. Gretzky aboard--
Crossfire (tapping communicator): Croutonprize, this is Lt. Cdr. Crossfire.
Stand by to bring me and my weapons trunk up.
Taubman (ic): Stand by, Crossfire. We have a Croutonizer malfunction, but
our Chief Engineer is working on it.
Suddenly, the Lucky Charm steps through Crossfire's door (without harming it)
and stops, licking its mandibles violently. Crossfire instinctively fires
the bow without thinking. The arrow lands solidly in the Lucky Charm's
shoulder. It lets out a hideous scream as its blood is released from the
wound. Crossfire fires a second arrow, but the Lucky Charm flickers out of
existence long enough to let it pass.
Crossfire: Damn. (taps communicator) Croutonprize! Get me out of here now!
Taubman (ic): Just a moment.
Crossfire: NOW DAMMIT! I'VE GOT A LUCKY CHARM STANDING--
* * * * *
Crossfire appears on the Croutonizer with a bow pointing at Taubman's
head and a hunting knife poised to strike from the other.
Taubman: Whoa! Settle down, Commander. You're safe now.
Crossfire (lowering the bow): Don't be so sure. These Lucky Charms are
pretty crafty.
Midzor (standing up, grease on her face and hands): Yeah, well so am I.
* * * * *
On the bridge, the crew remains tense, waiting for the next Lucky Charm move.
Commander Kabeta and her comrades have gathered around the science stations.
Ensign Michael Kleber, Speaker for the Dead and Starbase Communications
Officer, is visible on a communications link to the starbase.
Kabeta: Ensign Kleber, how many more of there are you on the station?
Kleber (ss, checking a scan): Five...no, six. Scattered all over.
Kabeta: All right, I think we can handle that. Get yourself over here now.
Kabeta closes the channel and turns toward the command center.
Kabeta: Captain Crouton, with your permission, I would like to Croutonize
over to the Starbase.
Crouton: May I ask why?
Kabeta: I'm going to activate the self-destruct mechanism.
Crouton hesitates for a moment.
Kabeta: It seems like the only logical thing to do. Maybe we can take a
few of them out if we catch them by surprise.
Crossfire (entering the bridge): Agreed. It is quite possible to take them
by surprise, especially with conventional weaponry.
Crouton: Mr. Gretzky, take a security team with you and make sure nothing
happens to her while you're over there. And get back here on the double.
Gretzky: Aye, Captain. (leaves with Kabeta)
Crossfire moves down toward the captain.
Crossfire (extending his hand): Lt. Cdr. Crossfire, Captain. Munitions and
tactical specialist. I have been studying the Lucky Charm situation ever
since Admiral Picard assigned me to the Starbase a few weeks ago.
Crouton: Welcome aboard, Commander. Your help is appreciated, but I can
assure you we have a fine and innovative crew here.
Crossfire: That is why I had applied for transfer to your ship, Captain...
upon your return from the SMC, of course.
Crouton: Of course. (turning away) Zen, how many people inhabit the
planet below?
Zen: 4,778,556 according to latest census figures.
Crouton: This is not good.
Ghiasi: Nope nope nope.
Crossfire: That is why you need me.
Highlander grumbles something under his breath and sits down, drawing out
his katana to clean it.
* * * * *
Kabeta, Gretzky, and three yellow-shirts appear in the Starbase Control Room.
Kabeta: Kleber, what are you still doing here?
Kleber: Just making sure they're all getting out of here. It's just us now.
Kabeta: Good, then you can help me. Call up the self-destruct mechanism.
Kleber taps away.
Computer: Self-destruct sequence, Starbase Harvard. Please enter an action
code now. Remember to press the pound key after each request.
Kabeta: Computer, this is Commander Kabeta. We have a CODE ONE emergency
which necessitates self-destruction. Code Zed Zero Nine Blip George Fred.
Computer: You didn't press the pound key.
Kabeta presses the pound key.
Computer: Encoded sixty second countdown. Do you wish to change this?
Kabeta: Yes, please change to fifteen seconds. (presses the pound key)
Computer: Confirmation of self-destruction is required.
Kleber: This is Ensign Kleber, Starbase Communications Officer. Code
Blue Yellow White Five Blip Blip Beep. (presses the pound key)
Computer: Confirmation by security personnel is also required.
Gretzky: This is Lt. Wayne Gretzky, Chief of Security, _USS Croutonprize_.
Code Seven Blue Blue Blue Meow Green Ted. (presses the pound key)
Computer: Self-destruct sequence now armed. Countdown begins on your signal.
Gretzky: Croutonprize, prepare to Croutonize six.
Taubman (ss): Hang on, Lieutenant. We have another problem.
Suddenly, three Lucky Charms walk through the main viewscreen and into the
Control Room. Each stands about nine feet tall and looks extremely hungry.
Gretzky fires his phaser, but the Lucky Charm vanishes temporarily. His
men fire similarly, then move toward the Charms.
Gretzky: Dammit, Taubman, get us out of here now!
Kabeta: It can't wait any longer -- computer, activate.
Computer: 15..14..13..
Ensign Talbot moves too close to a Lucky Charm and is grabbed. We hear a
nasty cracking, popping noise as his left arm is removed and eaten.
Talbot: AAAAAAAAAAAA!
Computer: 12..11..10..
The two yellow-shirts fire their phasers again, missing. Gretzky picks up
a chair and hurls it at a Lucky Charm, bashing it in the head and sending
it backwards, reeling.
Gretzky: Damn. Crossfire was right.
Computer: 9..8..7..
Talbot is grabbed by the other two Charms and is literally ripped apart before
the other crewmembers. Kabeta covers her eyes and taps frantically at her
communicator.
Kabeta: Now, Taubman, now!
Computer: 6..5..4..
The Lucky Charms move toward the defenseless humans...
* * * * *
On the bridge, Captain Crouton and the rest of the crew watch as Starbase
Harvard explodes in a blinding flash. After a moment, they open their eyes
to see just the planet.
Crouton: Soraya, what happened to the purple horseshoe?
Ghiasi: Checking...it appears to have been destroyed along with the starbase.
Crouton: Are you sure?
* * * * *
Kabeta, Gretzky, Kleber, and the other surviving security men arrive safely
on the Croutonizer.
Gretzky: You sure cut that close!
Missy gets up from behind the console, hair smoking, carbon coating her
face and her uniform.
Midzor:
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