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The Crouton Generation Archives
STAR TREK: THE CROUTON GENERATION
SEASON TWO
Episodes #46 - 49
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Sat, 10 Nov 90 19:37:43 -0700
From: reidj@tramp (Crossfire)
To: junk@typhoon.ucar.EDU
Subject: ST:TCG "Voormithradeth"
Next time, on an All-New Episode of Star Trek: The Crouton Generation--
"Captain's Log, stardate 180286. We are approaching the GMC at high jolt-
warp in response to a message sent by Admiral Avenger that indicates
Nyarlathotep has visited them there."
[Interior, Bridge.]
Avenger [ss]: We haven't had any more contact with the freighter since they
last transmitted. I've sent a scout out to rendezvous with them.
I want you to go directly to the coordinates specified by the map you
found. I've got a feeling that this Nyarlathotep will be going there.
Crouton: I agree. What about the other places marked on the map?
Avenger [ss]: Jean-Luc has sent a message to Data to warn the Romulans...
we still don't have permission to just go charging into their empire.
As for Earth, well, it's pretty well protected anyway.
Crouton: Good. I just wanted to make sure.
Avenger [ss]: Jean-Luc isn't Commander Starfleet for nothing. Keep me
informed what happens. Avenger out.
Crouton: Okay. Tactical of this superquad of the GMC and Milky Way.
[The viewscreen switches over to a tactical display, with the far arm of the
Milky Way in the upper right hand corner, and the GMC in the lower left.
The Croutonprize shows up.]
Crouton: Overlay the star map.
[The star map...consisting of four interconnected circles...overlays the
tactical display. The Earth and Romulan circles are off the screen.]
Crouton: Magnify that section.
[The display zooms in on the GMC circle. Four solar systems are shown, one
is highlighted.]
Crouton: Alter course for that system.
* * * * * * * * * *
"Voormithradeth"
Guest stars Alan Rickman as the physical form of Nyarlathotep
Valentine Dyall as the voice of Nyarlathtep
Incidental music by James Horner
Directed by August Dereleth
"Captain's Log, Stardate 523424675. We are approaching the solar system
indicated by the star map...but which planet is not specified. We are
taking a gamble and assuming that it will be one of the inner class-m
planets."
Chuang: Entering system GMC131. ETA interior planets 20 minutes.
Crouton: Begin scans.
Soraya: No need, Captain. I've found Nyarlathotep...wait...it's gone now.
Crouton: Explain.
Soraya: It was heading for the sixth planet out, but then it vanished.
Crouton: Scan that planet.
Jez: Mrowp... [Scanning...]
Jez: Meow meow meow meow pppprrrrrrr. [According to our scans, that planet
is dead.]
Soraya: No life at all.
Jez: MEOW! Rowl meow meow prr meow meow. [WAIT! I'm scanning a building on
the surface.}
Soraya: It's huge...
Crouton: Tactical.
[Viewscreen lights up, showing a tactical view of the building. It's like
the one on Exham, except much, much bigger.]
Crouton: Number One, prepare an away team. Heavy armaments.
Highlander: Gretzky, call three security officers and have them join us in
the croutonizer room. Crossfire, Jez, you're with me. Dr. Icefalcon,
report to the croutonizer room for Away Team duty.
* * * * * * * *
[Exterior, GMC131. Dark, cold. The crypt looms in the background; the
Away Team materializes in the foreground.]
Highlander: Spread out.
[They move toward the crypt, quietly. The main doors are open.]
Highlander: Let's go in.
[The team moves in, with Crossfire bringing up the rear. He stops to
examine the doors.]
[Interior, crypt. It's dark, but illumiated by the team's handlights.
The room is a large foyer, lined with columns. A human form stands
against the back wall, which appears to be a door. The form turns around,
facing the team.]
Voice: Welcome, my friends. [He raises his hands, and torches flame into
light, one on each column.]
Highlander: Are you the being that calls itself Nyarlathotep?
Nyarlathotep: Of course. And you're just in time to give me a hand.
Highlander: Nothing we do will help you.
Nyarlathotep: Oh, but you're wrong. I need a sacrifice to open this door.
And you and your friends have just volunteered.
Highlander: Set phasers on maximum stun.
Nyarlathotep: I wouldn't, if I were you...
Highlander: We won't hurt you. But we do need to ask you some questions.
Nyarlathotep: I don't have time for questions. [He bends down, holding his
hand out] Here, kitty kitty kitty.
[Jez hisses, arching his back.]
Nyarlathotep: Nice kitty. Come here, kitty...see? I've got Pounce for you.
[Jez suddenly relaxes, and starts to walk to Nyarlathotep.]
Highlander: Jez! [Jez doesn't respond] Fire.
[The team fires their phasers at Nyarlathotep, but the beams have no effect.]
Highlander: Sh*t!
Nyarlathotep: Silence. [Everyone freezes. He chuckles softly.] That's
better. Now, kitty, you and I are going to open this door.
[A silver-tipped arrow flys out of the darkness at Nyarlathotep, who ducks out
of the way at the last second, surprised.]
Crossfire [walking out of the shadows, another arrow nocked]: Crossfire to
Croutonprize. We have a very bad situation down here...we need some
backup...
Nyarlathotep: Ah...Crossfire. I've been waiting for you. [He locks eyes
with Crossfire.]
[Interior, Bridge. We hear Nyarlathotep's last words to Crossfire, and then
the signal breaks off.]
Crouton: Uh oh...
Soraya: Wait...I have an idea... [She dashes off the Bridge.]
[Interior, Croutonizer room. Soraya runs in, carrying the green star they
found on Exham.]
Soraya: Taubman, quick...croutonize me down to the Away Team location.
Taubman: Righto! [He works the controls, but nothing happens.]
Taubman: It's happening again! The croutonizer can't get a lock on you.
Soraya: Never mind! [She runs out of the room.]
[Exterior, GMC131. Soraya runs out of the doors of the shuttlecraft _Crash_
and heads into the crypt.]
[Interior, crypt. Soraya runs in and sees Nyarlathotep leering over
Crossfire.]
Soraya: STOP!!!
[Nyarlathotep turns, sees her and smiles.]
Nyarlathotep: Ah, the redoubtable Commander Ghiasi! How good of you to
join me. I am never averse to company...
[Soraya holds the green star in front of her.]
Nyarlathotep [taking a step backward]: It seems I didn't give you enough
credit. I didn't think you'd figure out what the powers of the Elder
Sign were.
Soraya: Too BAD.
Nyarlathotep [smiling again]: Well, no matter. You may be able to stop
me here, but you have only one Elder Sign...and you can't be in
two places at once. So I will go release someone who can...
[Nyarlathotep transforms into his black, shapeless form, and then vanishes.]
Jez [very groggy]: Mrow rowlp...? [What's going on...?]
Soraya: Let's get back to the Croutonprize.
----------------
Date: Sat, 10 Nov 90 19:39:39 edt
From: "Slimmies Peasant (Russell, Kerri)"
To: JUNK@CYCLONE.ucar.EDU
Subject: info
For my next ST:TCG episode
ALF= Alfred Lee Fritchler, President here at the Big Dick
Big Dick= Dickinson College. (where 5 of us "study")
Marty= marty redman, director of room and board. the guy who busts us if we
have more than six people in a room without having it preregistered as a
party even if there is no alcohol involved. really stupid.
I think that's it for info.
The episode is REALLY LONG but very important.
----------
Date: Sat, 10 Nov 90 19:51:07 edt
From: "Slimmies Peasant (Russell, Kerri)"
To: JUNK@CYCLONE.ucar.EDU
Subject: ST:TCG ***LONG*** but worth it
On the NEXT amazingly wonderful episode of Star Trek the Crouton Generation:
Well, maybe not so wonderful, but here goes anyway:
The Bridge of the USS Chivalier
Cpt. Chow: (yawn) I seem to have fallen asleep. Anything exciting been
happening during my little snooze?
Cmd. Larkin: Uh, no sir. (stifles yawn) Uh. half commander japanese have you
noticed anything?
Cmd. hj: the only thing on my viewer is a rerun of "Who's the Boss" Quite
innane if you ask me.
Chow: I didn't.
Lt. Yee: (ignoring the captain's disinterest) Well, I thought it was quite
boss! One of the classic shows of that time period. I give it "two
thumbs up!" HA! HA! (laughs at reference to an old TV show that no one
else on the ship can relate to)
Chow: I didn't ask you either!
Yee: (shaking) Sorry, sir. (starts to sulk) But did you know that there was a
scene in the pilot episode where through the back window you can see
Tony Danza making out with one of the cleaning ladies? At least I
think that's what he was doing to her...
Lt. JG Hoke: Captain! Captain! Captain! Captain!
Chow: WHAT?!
Hoke: Something seems to be happening to me! I don't know what it is! I...
(LOUD scream)
The crew watches in surprise as from Lt. JG Hoke. spawns even more of her.
The screaming stops and the two immages look at each other.
Hoke: (all of them) I am beside myself with joy!
Larkin: Who's Joy?
John Tracy: I don't know, but methinks this is a very bad Hokes.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
"You've got Egg on your face and the Hokes on you!"
written by: half japanese
Directed by: half japanese
Entirely produced by: half japanese
half japanese: produced by her 'rents
Special Guest stars
ALF as himself (not the TV show, but the Pres of Dickinson College)
Marty as the director of room and bored
Dan Quale as the puppet
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
On board the "Big Dick" the newest experiment for the Hidden Valley Ranch
Empire. It features a sleek design and phalic shape.
ALF: Uh, did it work?
Puppet: Did what work?
ALF: Making a duplicate copy of the Chivalier, you moron who is trying to
get out of serving the empire. Really, just because your father has
connections you think you can get away with anything. I am surprised
they let you get this far though. I thought there was an intelligence
test or something. Obviously I was wrong.
Puppet: Are you implying something?
ALF: No, no, no....Yes.
Puppet: oh.
ALF: Well, can I have a progress report from anyone who is working on the
ship?
Marty: Well, room assignments are completed and that party that looked like it
was going to turn into something fun was cancelled. I really can't
believe these people. There were more than six of them in the room,
and it wasn't a regestered party so even though no body was drinking,
I had to write them up. The nerve of them not regestering the party
in advance.
ALF: good. What about the Chivalier? Puppet, do you have a progress report?
Puppet: Oh, I thought you only wanted progress reports from people who have
been working!
ALF: You mean you HAVEN'T been working.
Puppet: No sir, I am totally incapable of such actions.
ALF: So I've noticed. Can someone tell me if we successfully copied the
Chivalier or not?
Someone: No sir, I can't.
ALF: (annoyed) Anyone????
Anyone: No sir, it doesn't seem to have worked. we seem to have affected one
of the crew members though. One of the duplicates will be able to be
used to take over the ship.
ALF: Are you sure about that?
Anyone: No.
Sure: But I am.
ALF: Who said that? (looks around) who's sure? Raise your hand if you're sure!
(sure raises hand) Ah. Well then you are to be responsible if anything
goes wrong.
Responsible: Than who am I supposed to be????
ALF: Shut up!
Shut up: Then who am I supposed to be????
ALF: I don't care!
Idon Care: Then...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cut to Chivalier
Yee: I was just learning what to do with one woman. what can you do with four
of them? (Looks at the Hokes questioningly)
Paula: Humph. See if I ever sing for you in the shower again!
Yee: I'm sorry honny...you know your forever my girl!
Larkin: He has raised a serious question, Captain. What are we to do with the
two Hokes?
Chow: half japanese, take them to the sickbay and have the Good Doctor
examine them. Meeting of all officers in 30 min. I want a full progress
report, half japanese.
half japanese: hai! (leaves with the six Hokes)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sickbay
half japanese: Doctor Jerkov, come quickly!
Jerkov: Yes, Commander! What seems to be the problem?
half japanese: We seem to have a surplus of Hokes.
Jerkov: (Bothers to look up from microscope, looks at the 7 Hokes) Oh my!
half japanese: (annoyed) Indeed. The Captain wants you to check them out.
Jerkov:Which one is the "original."
Hokes: (in unison) I don't think it's possible to say. You see, I am she and
she is me and we are all together. I am the eggman. I am the walrus.
Jerkov: Yeah whatever. Will you have seats on the examination tables? Good.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
32 min. later half japanese enters confrence room
Chow: You're late! What's the report?
half japanese: Dr. Jerkov has found nothing conclusive.
Larkin: Somehow that doesn't surprise me.
Chow: Well has he consulted Harry?
half japanese: Uh, no.
Chow: Harry!
Harry: Holy Cow! Well isn't that great? You know, I was talking to my wife the
other day...
Chow: Harry, that has nothing to do with what you are supposed to be telling
me. What's the deal with Lt. JG. Hoke?
Harry: Holy Cow! It's a bad Hokes!
John Tracy: That was my line! (starts to sulk in a corner)
Harry: There are more than one of her! Bet she gets an even better batting
average that way!
Chow: That's not the point. Is the ship in any danger!???
Harry: Only if she causes the Chivalier to lose this year's baseball
championship. Of course the 12 of her can handle the team herselves!
Chow: Thank you, Harry. That will be all. Cmd. Larkin, see what you can do
about ordering us a better computer personality!
Larkin: Yes, sir. I don't think Adm. Avenger would approve though...
Chow: (scowls) Oh yeah, right.
Lt. JG Gilliam: (silent)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Meanwhile, back on the Big Dick:
ALF: Everything ready?
Everything: Yes, I am. There seem to be 25 Hokes at this point. All of them
should start taking over the Chivalier in 10..9..
Puppet: He can count backwards???
Everything: 7...6...5...4...3...2...1...
ALF: (Drool pouring down his chin) NOW!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Back on the Chivalier, the Hokes are running around, phasers in hand...
All 30 of them charge into the conference room...
Chow: What is the meaning of this????
Lt. JG Gilliam: (silent)
Hokes: we are taking over the ship!
John Tracy: Yeah, but all 35 of you can't fit in this room.
Hokes: You are right. All but the Cpt. and Larkin leave! NOW! No, wait.
Juggler, you stay...amuse us with your balls while we await word from
our ship.
All crew members except Capt. Chow, Cmd. Larkin and John Tracy leave the room.
Paula Abdul: Oh my god! What are we gonna do now??? We're being invaded???
half japanese: Shut up!
Paula Abdul: But we're all going to die.
half japanese smacks Paula Abdul knocking her unconscious.
Lt. Yee: (whines) Did you have to hit her so hard????
half japanese: She's annoying. (turns to face the other crew members.) Lt. JG
Gilliam come with me. The rest of you return to the bridge.
everyone goes where they were told. They know better than to argue with half
japanese!
half japanese: When we were in the Conference room I started to think. Don't
look at me that surprised, silent apprentice, it can happen. Anyway, I
started doing some calculations, and concluded that the Hokes keep
mutiplying because their duplication is being controlled from
somewhere else. We're going to figure out where the ship is and you
are going to beam me there.
Cmd. half japanese and Lt. JG. Gilliam enter the transporter room. And start
playing with Harry.
half japanese: There it is! Good work silent apprentice! Beam me over.
Lt. JG. Gilliam: (silent)
half japanese: Now, don't argue with me!
Lt. JG. Gilliam lets out a silent sigh and beams the commander over (that
sounds really rude) (anyway)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
10 min later all the Hokes have disappeared, except for the original who is
passed out on the floor.
Chow: What happened?
John Tracy: I didn't think my juggling act was THAT bad!
Larkin: We're receiving a message, on the screen.
ALF: You swine! you ruined it all for me! But I caught your officer. (grabs a
very beaten-up half japanese and throws her on the floor and then
kicks her a few times. And seems to enjoy it.) This bitch killed all
the extra Hokes that were going to get me another ship! So now I am
going to kill her!
Picks up half japanese, and actually THROWS her into the air. And then shoots
and kills her. half japanese falls on the floor in a really repulsive puddle
of ooze.
ALF: Just wait till next time Chow. I'll get you!!!
Screen goes blank.
John Tracy: Who the Hell was that Asshole anyway?
----------------
Date: Wed, 14 Nov 90 00:21:54 -0700
From: zecca@tramp (Admiral Avenger)
Subject: ST:TCG "Flirting with Danger"
"Captain's Log, Stardate 101402.3:
The _Chivalier_ is en route to Starbase LMC, where the entire LMC
Armada is going to confer about our progress so far. Unfortunately, I
believe this is only going to lead to an increase in the intercrew flirting
that has been disrupting work of late throughout the Armada."
Captain Chow exits the turbolift and Larkin moves from the captain's chair
to his own. Counselor Tracy sulks in his own chair.
Chow: It sure is quiet around here.
Euge: It's been like this ever since half japanese...
Counselor Tracy breaks out in a Bull Shannon cry.
Larkin: I think I miss her sense of humor most of all.
Chow: Yes. She certainly was...unique.
Euge: Captain, we're arriving at the Starbase.
Chow: Drop out of warp and proceed at 1/2 impulse. Lt. JG Hoke, will
you notify the Starbase of our arrival and look for a parking space?
Hoke: Yes...dear. (giggle)
Chow (aside, to Larkin): Did she say what I think she said?
Larkin: I don't even want to know...
* * * * *
"Flirting with Danger"
Written by Admiral Avenger
Guest stars
Ed Begley, Jr. as Bloocheez
Terry Gilliam as Luke
Special Guest Appearance by
Pat Juola
Directed by Terry Gilliam
* * * * *
A variety of senior officers from all four ships file into a mid-sized
auditorium inside the Starbase. We notice that many crew are meeting
with other crew members...in what appears to be more than casual
acquaintanceship. We also notice that the general mood here before the
conference seems to be more like that of a singles bar than that of a
Star Fleet conference.
Lt. Cdr. Wankoid enters with a Computer Sciences Commander, who appears
to be his superior. We notice Lt. Cdr. Ghiasi get up from her seat
and approach them.
Juola: No, no, no. You're going about it all wrong. You want to--
Ghiasi: Hello, Patrick.
Juola (looks up, smiles): Hello, Soraya. Nice uniform...definite
improvement over the old one.
Ghiasi: Thanks. Comes with the promotion.
Wankoid: You...know...him?
Ghiasi: Yup yup yup.
She grabs Juola by the arm and walks off with him toward a seat up front.
A moment later, Jez the Wonder Kitty and Amy (Kitten's kitty) enter and
follow Patrick and Soraya, leaping into their laps once they sit down.
Wankoid: Harumph.
Lt. Euge and Lt. Abdul walk by Wankoid on their way to finding a seat.
He notices other familiar officers hand-in-hand or just plain flirting
all across the room. And then he notices her...
She is sitting alone in the middle of the crowd, looking as if she
were trying to find someone to talk to, but no one would listen. She
had golden-brown hair and blue eyes and wore the blue uniform of a Star
Fleet Sciences or Medical Officer. And then she turned and smiled.
The tacky love theme from "From Here to Eternity" comes up in the
background of Wankoid's hearing, but he ignores it as he pushes his way
through the crowd toward her.
Wankoid: Hi.
Monroe: Hi.
Wankoid: You looked lonely, so I thought I'd come over and keep yo
company. I'm Lt. Cdr. Zortylwankoid of the starship _Croutonprize_.
I'm the chief computer officer -- I keep that snarfiggygly Zen nearly
fully functional and --
Monroe: Hi. I'm Denise...uh, Lt. Cdr. Denise Monroe of the starship
_Comatose_. I'm the "senior" geologist aboard...specialty is vulcanology.
And no, that doesn't mean I study Vulcans -- I love volcanoes, don't you?
Wankoid: Well, everyone else around here was talking or... And I was
wondering if you'd like--
Monroe: Sure. You want to catch the 475th Anniversary Bugs Bunny Film
Festival after the conference? I love Bugs Bunny, don't you?
* * * * *
Backstage at the conference, Admiral Avenger is perfecting his favorite
whine.
Avenger: I don't want to give this speech. Whose idea was this dumb
conference anyway?
Bradford: Yours, sir.
Avenger: Pphhttththhhh.
Admiral T'Lilith approaches Avenger, grabs his right forearm with her right
hand and presses the first two fingers of her left hand to the first two
of his right hand.
T'Lilith: How about a bite on the cheek for old time's sake?
Avenger (raises an eyebrow): Sounds nice.
T'Lilith: I bet. What is with the whining?
Avenger: It's how I get myself psyched. Anyway, I had an instructor
at the Academy who just loved to whine to get back at his students.
Bradford notices them become strangely quiet, yet they still seem to be
communicating just fine. Avenger raises his eyebrow again and chuckles.
Avenger: Thanks. I needed that.
* * * * *
Interior, HVR _C Hag_. An ominous figure stalks the hallways. His 7 foot
stature, blue-green freckles, white hair, large silver six-shooters,
black cloak and latest addition, a black 25-gallon Stetson, make
Commander Bloocheez the kind of character you wouldn't want to meet in
a dark alley. He flows into the bridge and plops into his chair, a dark,
high-backed job in the center of his command.
Bloocheez: Status report, Luke.
Luke: Well, we're a movin' in toward our target at one-tenth impulse
power, cloaked.
Bloocheez: Very good. Find us an empty docking port and make a silent
docking, under cloak. I want to make a surprise appearance AND a grand
entrance.
Luke: Yessir, C'mander. We'll get the ship hitched up good and quiet.
* * * * *
Lt. Matt Himle has taken the podium and is presenting a series of slides
and videos about the Lucky Charms.
Himle: While we haven't yet discovered signs of the Lucky Charms in the
LMC, it is quite possible they have been here before or may even be here
now, so a definite effort to--
yaz-pistachio: Umm, excuse me... Didn't we get rid of all the Lucky
Charms a few months ago?
Crossfire (from the back of the room): I can't be sure of anything.
There could be more of them out there somewhere... We need to keep
on our toes.
Himle: Agreed. That's why I believe all future away team and survey
missions should include a concentrated effort on Lucky Charm cultural
or resonance traces.
Suddenly, there is a commotion backstage. Two gunshots are coupled with
screams from a pair of security grunts. The curtains part, and Commander
Bloocheez enters. Hidden Valley Ranchers stream in through all the doorways
of the auditorium, keeping the officers in their places before they can
make any "funny" moves.
Bloocheez: Well, well, well, boys and girls. Looks like you didn't
expect the Bloocheez Inquisition.
Luke: Nobody expects the Bloocheez Inquisition.
Bloocheez swats Luke, who cowers and moves to the back of the stage.
Captain Crouton leaps up to the stage, Highlander at his side, his hand
on the hilt of his katana.
Crouton: Bloocheez, what do you think you're doing?
Bloocheez: Taking charge of this conference, I do believe, my dear
captain. SIT DOWN and take your sissy first officer with you.
The kling of metal and the glint of a spotlight off the katana's blade
meet Bloocheez's words in response. Of course, just as fast as Highlander
drew the sword, Bloocheez has his six-shooters in hand.
Bloocheez: Care to find out if the bullet is mightier than the sword?
Highlander fumes, then puts his katana away and goes back to his seat.
Highlander: F***ing Hidden Valley Ranch piece of--
Bloocheez finds Chow in the crowd and directs his next words to him.
Bloocheez: I am SOOOO sorry about half japanese... I really wanted
to be there to watch her get turned into slimy ooze, but at least
I have the video to make up for it.
Several juggling pins come flying at the stage. Three Ranchers jump
onto Counselor Tracy and drag him kicking and screaming from the room.
Bloocheez: Not much good as counsel, is he, Captain?
The Star Fleet officers are becoming more furious by the moment.
Avenger: Your comments about the late Lt. Cdr. half japanese are both
unwarranted and without taste.
Bloocheez: You're right. That's not why I'm here anyway.
Bloocheez moves into the audience and finds Captain Kabeta. He motions
in a most gentlemanly manner for her to follow him back to the stage.
Kabeta: Okay, I'm up here.
Bloocheez reaches into his cloak and produces a tiny box. He opens,
revealing a shiny piece of metal with rocks embededded in it, glinting
in the spotlights.
Kabeta: What is that?
Bloocheez: Put it on.
Kabeta: I don't think I should--
Bloocheez: Please.
Both Kabeta and Avenger raise eyebrows at Bloocheez's attempt at courtesy.
Kabeta decides it's not worth arguing over and puts the ring on.
Bloocheez: Kabeta and I would like to announce our engagement.
Roomwide, Rancher and Federation jaws hit the floor.
* * * * *
Crewmembers pick themselves up from the floor of the bridge of the
starship _Melbourne_.
Muirden: What the hell was that?
Fox: It appears we accidentally fell through a wormhole of enormous
power...my initial readings would put it on par with the largest wormhole
ever discovered in our own galaxy.
Muirden: Well...hmm...does anybody know where we are?
Carter: I'll check...
Carter and Fox run up the load on the _Melbourne_ computer.
Fox: This doesn't look good...
Muirden: How so?
Fox: It threw us quite a ways...
Carter: Wait...I think...yes, I've got a positive match.
Muirden: Perfect. Then you DO know where we are?
Fox: Well, yes...
Carter: But we are QUITE a bit off course...
* * * * *
Crouton: Your what?
Kabeta (outraged and at the same time...flattered): Our WHAT?
Bloocheez: Oh, I do get SOOOO lonely travelling through the stars
with only my six-shooters and a bunch of incompetent nincompoops
at my side. (slaps Luke across the head again) I want a companion...
I want someone to talk to... I want someone I can--
Suddenly, screams from Hidden Valley Ranchers in the hallway and then
the auditorium doors fly open, as Captain Muirden rushes in with a
phaser in each hand and a couple of dozen security people behind him.
Muirden: You want a divorce, mate!
Muirden's security people and the rest of the officers in the room trash
the Ranchers, but Bloocheez grabs Kabeta's arm and beams out.
Lt. Kantor, Lt. JG Parker, Lt. Cdr. Midzor, Counselor Bruce (aka Vanessa),
Lt. Cdr. Woj, Lt. JG Gilliam and Lt. JG Hoke borrow phasers from security
people and surround Muirden.
Women: Let's go get her back, Captain!
* * * * *
Kabeta sits uncomfortably in a corner of the _C Hag_'s bridge. She is
remembering some past encounters with Ranchers, especially that of
Commander Q. "Mr. Chickie" Kumbir. She shudders in disgust.
Bloocheez: Undock! We have to get underway now!
Luke: C'mander, somethin's holdin' us back.
Bloocheez: Tractor beam. All right, prepare the oil and vinegar cannons.
Luke: At this range? You'll kill us all!
Bloocheez whacks Luke across the head again.
Bloocheez: Shut up and do as you're told.
Kabeta yanks the ring off and throws it across the floor. Bloocheez hears
it clang across the room and glares at her.
Bloocheez: What do you think you're doing?
Kabeta: What does it look like? I'm breaking up with you.
Bloocheez: You realize that means that I can do what I want with you.
Kill you any way I want, any time I want...or just keep you around
to have some fun with. (turns to Luke) Where the hell are the oil and
vinegar cannons?
Luke: Uh, C'mander...
The starship _Melbourne_ hangs about 50 meters at its closest point from
the HVR _C Hag_.
Bloocheez: Give me those damn cannons!
* * * * *
On the bridge of the _Melbourne_...
Midzor: Just a few more seconds... We're going to short circuit our own
shields and knock the lights out on Bloocheez for once.
Carter: Hey, Missy's finally found a use for her talents!
Carter dodges a left-handed spanner thrown at his head.
Midzor: Got it!
The viewscreen becomes a big flash of electricity as the shields short
circuit those of the _C Hag_. The lights on the _Melbourne_ go out.
Midzor: Whoops. (Plugs something back in and the lights come back up.)
We see the _C Hag_ decloak before our eyes.
Muirden: Let's go!
* * * * *
Kabeta: Missy!
Bloocheez: Dammit!
* * * * *
Inside the auditorium, the lights are also out. In fact, they're out
Starbase-wide.
"Ouch, you're stepping on my foot!" "babble babble babble babble babble"
"Meow!" Chimpanzee sounds. "Missy!" "F***! F***! F***!" "babble babble
babble babble babble" "D-do you love me? D-do you love me?" "Gespatcho
soup!" "Captain, I sense...hmm, maybe I shouldn't say." "Oh, James!"
"Cool, it's dark!" "That's disGUSTing!" "babble babble babble babble"
"But we're engaged." "babble babble babble babble" "MEOWR!" More
chimpanzee sounds. "Well, disengage and get back to your stations."
The theme to "The Great White North." "I am sorry." "babble babble
babble babble" "I don't know anything." "What ARE you two doing?"
* * * * *
Muirden and the women croutonize directly onto the bridge of the _C Hag_.
Kabeta joins them quickly in the darkness, but then someone gets the
lights back on.
And Bloocheez is standing ominously over Captain Muirden, a six-shooter
stuck in the Captain's left nostril.
Bloocheez: Oooooh. Look at all the pretties you brought me.
Muirden: Now, mate, this isn't exactly a fair fight...wouldn't you
rather fight like...a man? (whispers aside) Sorry, ladies.
Bloocheez pulls the gun out of his nostril and holsters it.
Bloocheez: All right. Quick draw on the rec deck. Now.
* * * * *
Rear Admiral Bradford gets the lights back up in the auditorium. Half
the audience cheers. The other half grumble and try to hide. Wankoid
and Monroe continue their non-stop conversation.
Avenger: Thank you, Mark. As much as I like the dark, it gives THESE
people too many ideas.
* * * * *
Captain Muirden has added a six-shooter belt, but carries his phasers in
it. He also wears a white 5-gallon Stetson. The women stand around the
periphery of the room, each near a Hidden Valley Rancher guard.
Muirden: You ready...wimp? (whispers aside) Pardon that, ladies.
Bloocheez: You talk a lot, Captain. I'll be happy to be rid of you.
Muirden: Why don't we...have one of the women give us a countdown.
Bloocheez: Why not? Sounds rather amusing. You. (points to Gilliam)
Gilliam: Okay. 10...
Bloocheez and Muirden stare each other down.
Gilliam: 9...8...7...
The guards are paying close attention to the two gunfighters. They don't
notice the women moving quietly behind each of them.
Gilliam: 6...5...4...
Counselor Bruce slowly steps behind Bloocheez...
Gilliam: 3...2...1...NOW!
Muirden jumps to the deck. Counselor Bruce leaps forward and tickles
Bloocheez while the other women attack the other Ranchers in a similar
fashion.
Muirden (from the prone position): _Melbourne_, Croutonize now.
* * * * *
On the _Melbourne_, Muirden appears on his stomach at the center of the
Croutonizer, with the women standing all around him. They reach down
to help him up.
Muirden: Sorry about those sexist remarks. I was just trying to get
him eager.
Parker: We understand. (flirt, flirt)
Kantor: Certainly. (flirt, flirt)
Kabeta: Oh, of course. (flirt, flirt)
Hoke: Nice hat. (flirt, flirt)
Muirden at this point realizes he's still wearing the Stetson. He takes
it off and places it on Missy's head.
Midzor: Thanks. (flirt, flirt)
Gilliam: When do I get a turn? (flirt, flirt)
Bruce: What about me? (flirt, flirt)
Woj (to Fox): Hi, there.
They suddenly notice Fox standing behind the Croutonizer.
Fox: Oh, this is getting remarkably silly. (leaves)
----------------
Date: Tue, 13 Nov 90 18:11:16 edt
From: "Lt. Euge of USS Chivalier (Yee, Eugene)"
Subject: _STAR TREK: the CROUTON GENERATION_
[Captain Crouton's voice-over]
"Captain's Log, Stardate 101288.6:
Starfleet Command has ordered us and the _U.S.S. Chivalier_ to Gaza III
in the Tritis System; a colony that the Federation hasn't heard from in years
after breaking off the dilithium crystal trade agreements. And now they're
requesting aid from us in their war against the hostile take-over of the
Hidden Valley Ranch Empire. Despite my better judgment of our not getting
involved, Starfleet Command still find it necessary that we should be here."
The surface of Gaza III. Specifically, inside a briefing room. The images of
Crouton, Larkin, Gretzky, Crossfire, Gilliam, Wojwoman, and Yee appear. A
party of escorts, led by a tall, thin, female with long brown hair and in knee
high boots, awaits them. She steps forward and shakes Crouton's hand.
Yee: Man, oh, man...is that a *pretty woman* or what?!
Larkin: Lieutenant, please control your hormones.
Yee: I can't help myself, Commander. I'm in love! Well, maybe it's lust...
no, no, it's definitely love! Well, maybe it's a little of both!
Vivian: Thank you for answering our call so promptly. I'm very grateful to
all of you.
Gretzky: It was most certainly our pleasure to respond, Vivian. Please hail
us any time!
Gilliam: Woj, will you look at the way Lt. Cdr. Gretzky and Euge are drooling
over that Gazan hussy! It's disgusting!
Wojwoman: She's hardly a hussy, Sue. And it's not her fault that she's so
extraordinarily beautiful she reduces men to panting adolescents.
Crouton: I'm still not clear on the situation...
Vivian: Ah, well, the Commander-in-Chief will explain everything. Will you
follow me?
Gretzky (taps Crouton on the shoulder): Captain, if you are too busy...?
Crouton: Stay right where you are, Mr. Gretzky. And try to remember the wife
and child you left behind on board the _Croutonprize_.
Yee: Hey, I could go with her! I don't have a wife and child!
Crouton: Yes, Euge. And let's keep it that way!
* * * * *
"Less than Human"
Written by Eugene "Lt. Euge" Yee
Guest stars:
Julia Roberts as Vivian
Tom Hanks as Ranch Commander #3
Peter Scolari as Rancher #3
Harry Anderson as Ranch Commander
Special guest star:
George Bush as Commander-in-Chief Brockly
Directed by Admiral Mike Zecca & Chris Platt
* * * * *
The interior of a military outpost. Officers are shuffling back and forth
between computer terminals. Brockly, Crouton, and Vivian are seen assembled
around a table-liked, illuminated map projection of Gaza III.
Brockly: This sector (points to an area on the map) is being held by the
Ranchers. And our tankers are out there alone...dodging Rancher patrols.
Crouton: That is most unfortunate, Commander. But I don't understand why
we--
Brockly: The tankers have a valuable significance. It's imperative that
the supply lines be opened and that we get OUR oil, which is vital for our
industrial and economical needs. That's the job Vivian has volunteered for.
As yet, there's only an advance force of Ranchers. But according to
communications we've picked up, the main occupying fleet is on the way.
Crouton: And our starships?
Brockly: Is needed to delay them until Vivian can complete her mission. What
do you say, Captain?
Crouton: What else can I say? We'll do what must be done.
* * * * *
The interior of the shuttlecraft. Gretzky and Larkin climb into the pilot
seats and prep for take-off. Vivian stands between them.
Vivian: It was good of Captain Crouton to permit you two to assist me.
Gretzky: There are few things in the world I would rather be doing, Ms.
Vivian.
Vivian: Please...just call me Vivian.
Gretzky: And you may call me Wayne.
Larkin: And you can call me sick to my stomach!
* * * * *
Outside on the launch bay as the shuttlecraft disappears into the horizon...
Yee: Figures Commander Larkin gets to go with her.
Wojwoman (puts her arms around Yee): Yes, but you get to be here with me.
Yee: Huh? You say something, Woj?
Janson: Hey, you two, straighten up! Captain Crouton wants to talk to us!
Yee: Yes, mein fuhrer.
Crouton: Euge, that was a tasteless and disrespectful remark. Apologize.
Yee: No! I'm getting sick and tired of his *mightier-than-thou* attitude!
Janson: And I'm fed up with your juvenile antics!
Crouton: And I'm disgusted with both of you! In case you haven't noticed,
there's a war on. Crossfire, I trust you can handle your end?
Crossfire: You can count on me, Captain.
Crouton: Good, the rest of you know your jobs. Let's get to it.
Gilliam: Janson, will you ever lighten up?
Janson: Not if I can help it.
* * * * *
And soon, as a Ranch fleet sweeps low into orbit around Gaza III...
The bridge of a Ranch transport vessel. A body shot is used of a Ranch officer
stepping out of the turbolift.
Ranch Cdr.: Have you located the problem, number two?
Rancher: Nothing to worry about, Commander.
Ranch Cdr.: I'll be the judge of that! Your business is to report!
Rancher: What the instruments registered, commander, was a simple airlock
malfunction.
Ranch Cdr.: Simple? What if something had entered through the airlock, number
two?
Rancher: But nothing did, sir.
Ranch Cdr.: We are at war, number two. We can take nothing for granted.
Rancher: Of course, Commander. Forgive me.
Ranch Cdr.: Do not seek forgiveness, number two. Just do your job! Still, if
security had been breached, we would have seen something on the screens.
Rancher: Not necessarily, commander.
Ranch Cdr.: What do you mean? (turns to face him) Who the devil?!
* * * * *
The bridge of the leading Ranch ship. On the viewsceen, the transport vessel
is seen breaking out of the fleet formation.
Ranch Cdr. #3: What?! (jolts up from his chair) He's broken formation!
Where is he going?! Has he lost his mind?!
Rancher #3: We're hailing him, sir. But there's no response!
Ranch Cdr. #3: I think it's wise to assume the worst!
* * * * *
The bridge of the _Croutonprize_. Highlander sits in the captain's chair and
watches the viewscreen.
Highlander: Well, he grabbed control of the ship without a hitch. And now
he's dumping all the excess baggage!
Little body figures are seen falling out of the rear hatch of the transport
vessel.
Highlander: There's a reason Chris is leader of this team! Looks like he's
bringing the ship in now. And...f***!
Two Ranch ships are suddenly in pursuit of the vessel.
Highlander: He's picked up a couple of pursuers! Let's get ready, people!
The Captain's done his job; now we've got to do ours!
* * * * *
Back on the bridge of the vessel. The Ranch crew members are lying
unconsciously about. Crouton, in a Ranch uniform and with a phaser in hand,
rapidly presses buttons at the con terminal.
Crouton: Defense shields are down. Hmmm...I assumed they'd hold up longer
than this. Maybe Ranch technology isn't all we thought it was. Whatever
the case, Crossfire and Euge had better get here soon. And I'm sure they
will, providing Missy doesn't blow another circuit in the transporter.
Speaking of which...two figures croutonize on board the bridge. Crossfire,
carrying a spherical metal object, and Yee are thrown to the floor from the
impact of an indirect hit from the two pursuing Ranch ships.
Yee: YOW!! There's gotta be an easier way to travel!
Crouton: Welcome aboard, gentlemen. Shall we get down to business?
Yee: Sure, just let me get my head out from between my knees!
Crouton: The others...?
Crossfire (gets up): In position.
Crouton: Good. Prepare to signal them on the count of three.
Yee: Hey, wait! My head's still stuck!
Crouton: One...two...three!!
* * * * *
The bridge of the _Chivalier_.
Chow: Ok, let's do it!
Janson: A couple of well-placed shots...(cut to an exterior shot of the
_Chivalier_ firing a direct hit at a Ranch ship in front) their thrusters
are destroyed...and that's one less Ranch ship to menace the planet!
Chow: Let's move, helmsman! There's still one more thing to do!
* * * * *
Back on the bridge of the hi-jacked Ranch vessel, Crossfire and Yee are slowly
tinkering with the spherical metal object.
Crouton: Our shields are down!
Yee (pretending to be hysterical): No shields! The dilithium crystals are
fused! Khan's about to detonate the genesis device! We're not gonna make
it, are we?!?
Crossfire: Euge, will you stop playing around and hold that steady?! This is
a bomb! You screw up and we all die!
* * * * *
The bridge of another Ranch ship.
Rancher #2: I've got them in my sights, Commander!
Ranch Cdr. #2: Good...good! Blast them out of space!
Rancher #2: It will be my pleasure, Commander!
Ranch Cdr. #2: It's time these Gazans learned how futile their efforts to
resist us are! It's time they learned that (an explosion is heard) --what
was that?!
Rancher #2 (looks at the viewscreen): A Federation starship!
Ranch Cdr. #2: In this sector?!
Rancher #2: Sir, we're going down!
Ranch Cdr. #2: Impossible!
Rancher #2: But true!
* * * * *
The bridge of the _Croutonprize_. A rear view of the Ranch ship is seen as it
falls out of formation and crashes into the nearest one of its own. A
brilliant explosive flash follows.
Jez: Mrow! Meow meow meow! [Wow! I've never tried shooting down a Ranch
ship before at tactical!]
Highlander: Well, you did a beautiful job at it, Lieutenant! I don't know why
everyone says you can't f***ing shoot for beans.
Jez: Meow, purr! Hiss! [Yeah, well, I--hey! Who says I can't shoot for
beans?!]
* * * * *
Back on the bridge of the leading Ranch ship.
Ranch Cdr. #3: Another unit destroyed?! I want that rogue ship and I want it
now! And destroy those tankers!! It's bad enough we're stuck on this
backwater world...but to have to endure such insolence! Such resistance!
Rancher #3: Not to mention the fact that we haven't had lunch yet!
Ranch Cdr. #3: Must you always think about food?
Rancher #3: Not always, sir...only when I'm hungry. In fact, I--sir!
Ranch Cdr. #3: What is it?
Rancher #3: The Federation starships have broken off their attack. The rogue
ship's reversing course...heading toward us! Signalling surrender!
Ranch Cdr. #3: Good! These humans have no will! Their ability to resist us
is pathetically minimal! Give the order to surround them! Use tractor
beams to immobilize! I want them alive!
Rancher #3: Alive, sir? Why?
Ranch Cdr. #3: There's no pleasure in torturing dead men, number two! No
pleasure at--
Rancher #3: Tractor beam on, sir. Uh, sir, scanners aren't picking up any
life forms on board the craft.
Ranch Cdr. #3: What are you talking about? They're surrendering, you dolt!
Rancher #3: Well, sir...this may seem a bit presumptuous of me...but have you
given any thought to the idea...that this might be a...
Ranch Cdr. #3: What? What?!? Spit it out, you fool!
Rancher #3: ...trap?
Cut to an exterior shot of the transport vessel moving into the Ranch fleet.
A succession of explosions ensues. Metal parts are hurling in all directions
of space.
* * * * *
The croutonizer room of the _Croutonprize_. Crouton, Crossfire, and Yee step
off the croutonizer pads. Highlander, Larkin, and Vivian moves forward to
greet them back.
Highlander (smiles): Mission accomplished, Captain.
Crouton (serious): As we planned, when the bomb detonated, the chain reaction
destroyed the entire Ranch fleet. Still, I wish there was some way we could
have stopped them without taking so many lives.
Yee: Hey, what about our lives? We almost got ourselves blown to smithereens!
If we hadn't gotten off the ship when we did...
Crossfire: But we did get off, Euge! The good guys won again.
Crouton: We...they, the Gazans, won a battle, Mr. Crossfire. But the war goes
on.
* * * * *
And soon in the conference room of the _Croutonprize_...
Brockly (on viewscreen): Incredible! Absolutely incredible! When I saw all
those Ranchers go up in a ball of fire, it did this old soldier's heart
good! You must be pretty blasted proud of yourselves!
Crouton: Where's the pride in war, sir? Where's the pride in wholesale
slaughter?
Brockly: Don't kid yourself, son. There's a lot to be said for wholesale
slaughter!
Crouton: If that will be all, Commander?
Brockly: I hope that won't be all, Captain. We won a battle today, but the
war goes on.
Crouton: So I've been told.
He presses a button on the table to turn the viewscreen off. At which time,
Vivian walks in. Crouton sits back in his chair and holds his head.
Vivian: Captain, I'm returning back down to the surface now. (notices the
meditative look on Crouton's face) You seem troubled, Captain.
Crouton (after a few seconds of silence): Vivian, I know the Ranchers must be
stopped. But they're still living beings. This war...like all wars...
dehumanizes us. We reduce our enemies to a faceless mass. Then cheer their
deaths. (gets up and walks over to a window) But no being's death should
be celebrated.
Vivian (walks to him): I know. Dear God, I know. My soul cries with every
death. But what choice were we given? As you said yourself, we have to do
what must be done.
Crouton: Yes, we do. (turns to Vivian) But why must we always take such
pleasure in it?
Vivian, at a lost for words, looks into Crouton's eyes. Crouton (hurt) turns
once again to look out into the vast emptiness of space. Vivian leaves as we
cut to an exterior view of the two Federation starships leaving orbit and
going each their separate ways.
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