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The Crouton Generation Archives
STAR TREK: THE CROUTON GENERATION
SEASON TWO
Episodes #50 - 55
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Date: Wed, 14 Nov 90 14:19:23 -0700
From: reidj@tramp (Crossfire)
To: junk@typhoon.ucar.EDU
Subject: ST:TCG "Dunwich" ***** LONG *****
Next time, on an All-New Episode of Star Trek: The Crouton Generation--
"Captain's log, supplemental. Our Away Team has safely returned to the
Croutonprize, but Lieutenant Commander Crossfire has yet to recover
consciousness. Dr. Icefalcon fears that he is in the same catatonic
state as the rest of the crew. Meanwhile, Lt. Cmdr. Ghiasi and Jez are
examining the tomb below for clues as to its purpose...and its occupant."
[Interior, crypt. Soraya and Jez, and assorted security officers, are
looking at the carvings on the walls an pillars.]
Jez: Meow rowl prrrup meow meow meow. [These markings are in the same
language as the ones in the tomb on Exham.]
Soraya: Yes. I know. And look here. [She's pointing to the back wall,
which she is standing in front of. The entire back wall appears to be
a sealed double door. Soraya is pointing at a greenish, six-pointed star
embedded in the seam between the doors.]
* * * * * * * * *
"Dunwich"
Guest stars Andreas Katsulas as Romulan Praetor Tomalok
Antony Ainley as Romulan Prefect
George Murdock as the voice of Yog-Sothoth
Special guest stars Patrick Stewart as Admiral Picard
Incidental music by John Williams.
Directed by Robert Bloch.
[Interior, ready room. Soraya, Jez, Crouton, Highlander, and Icefalcon are
sitting.]
Crouton: So you found another of these...Elder Signs?
Soraya: Yes. And it seems to be acting as a seal, to keep the doors shut.
Highlander: Keep the doors shut on what?
Jez: Meow meow meow rowl pruup meooow mrow mrow morw meow meow meow. [The
writings on the walls of the tomb indicate that it holds a being
of immense and terrible power refered only to as He-Who-Must-Not-Be
-Named.]
Icefalcon: Now there's an original name.
Soraya: There's also another star map that duplicates the one we've already
got.
Crouton: But no other information?
Soraya: Nothing we could decode immediately. We're still going through
the Exham notes, trying to find something relevant.
Crouton: Okay. Dr. Icefalcon, what about Crossfire?
Icefalcon: He's like all the others. I can't get a response out of him.
he's got some brain activity, but it's extremely random, almost like
he's in a dream state. But we can't make any contact with him at all.
Crouton: That's not very promising. Can Counselor Neon...
Gretzky [ic]: Captain, we're receiving a message from Starfleet Command,
Priority One. On a secured channel.
Crouton: Pipe it down here, Lieutenant.
[The viewscreen lights up and shows Picard.]
Picard: Captain Crouton, this is a priority order. You will recieve this at
the same time Admiral Avenger does. You will return immediately to the
Milky Way and set course for the Romulan Empire. It seems they are having
some trouble with this Nyarlathtep being. The Romulan Ambassador to the
Federation sent this message a little over an hour ago:
[The viewscreen changes to show an aged but still irritating Praetor Tomalok]
Tomalok: Admiral Picard...I am calling you in person to ask for...the help of
the Federation on behalf of my empire. It seems that Romulan space has
been violated by a creature of great power that calls itself Nyarlathotep.
It came from Federation Space...you wouldn't happen to know anything about
this would you?
At any rate, it has...neutralized several of our ships, and we are ill-
equipped to suffer such losses so soon after our encounters with the
Lucky Charms. We appeal to our new...allies...for help.
[The viewscreen switches back to Picard.]
Picard: It seems that Nyarlathotep has gone to the planet in Romulan space
is indicated in the star map you found. And, bearing in mind that you are
the Federations only...experts...on this, and your recent success there
at GMC131, your presence is required in your home galaxy. Further status
reports will be forthcoming. Picard out.
Crouton: Well. [taps com panel.] Helm, set course for the Milky Way. Speed,
Jolt Factor 6.
* * * * * * * * * * *
"Captain's log, stardate VT240. We have returned to our own galaxy, and
are heading for Romulan space. I have no idea what we are going to encounter
there, but I hope that we will prove equal to the task."
[Interior, Bridge. Highlander and Crouton are standing, watching the
viewscreen which shows Picard.]
Picard: According to reports from the Romulans, a wing of Romulan warbirds
was on a training exercise near the Dunwich star system when they were
attacked by a being of unknown origin. They sent a brief distress signal
saying that they'd been attacked and they'd lost seven ships already.
They haven't been heard from since.
The Romulans have mobilized what's left of their fleet and are combing
that sector, trying to find whatever did this. But they have been
unsuccessful so far. Since we know something about these recent events,
the Federation volunteered to help, and so you are being sent to the
Dunwich star system to see if you can't find the answer to this riddle.
Good luck. Picard out.
[The viewscreen flicks off.]
Highlander: Romulans in trouble, eh?
Crouton: Maybe they were unlucky enough to be present when another of these
beings was released. Mr. Gretzky, give us a tactical view of that sector
of Romulan space.
[The viewcreen shows the sector, with Dunwich in the upper right hand corner.]
Crouton: Now overlay the star map that we found in the crypts...
[The map overlays, and pinpoints the Dunwich star system.]
Crouton: Uh huh. Just what I thought.
[Soraya, Jez, and Savan enter from the turbolift and move down to Crouton. Jez
bounds over and lands in his lap, purring.]
Crouton [Petting Jez]: What's up?
Savan: We've managed to finish assimilating the notes of the archaeological
team. And we've found something very interesting.
Jez: Yowl prurrrup. [And useful.]
Crouton: Do tell.
Soraya: According to the carvings in the two tombs, they were built to
contain beings of incredible power. In order to keep them contained,
however, they had to be sealed with a force-field like construct, which
would keep them in stasis.
Jez: Meow mrow prrup! [And that's where the Elder Sign comes in!]
Savan: I've run test after test on the Elder Sign, and I've discovered a
couple of things. It's a dilithium based crystalline lattice, but it's
got some impurities that are very interesting.
Crouton: Like what?
Savan: Jethryck. Trilosite. Oolium, and Madrinite 15.
Crouton: Hmmm...Jethryck and Trilosite...I know those are unstable fermi
isotopes. But I don't know what Oolium and Madrinite 15 are.
Soraya: Oolium crystals are called Singing Stones. When you touch them,
they somehow translate your thoughts into music. Madrinite 15 is a
rare element that has been the subject of research, but it too seems
to be a psychic-reactive substance.
Savan: The Elder Sign is probably something that is activated by thoughts,
and is what creates and keeps the stasis field going.
Crouton: Ah. Interesting. Can you use it?
Soraya: There is a ritual in the notes that is supposed to be preformed when
you want to contain something using an Elder Sign. All we need is
a suitable building, and I think we can capture these things and put
them back where they belong.
Crouton: The crypt on Exham, maybe?
Soraya: Nope. That one's too old and decrepit. That's how Nyarlathotep
escaped in the first place.
Crouton: Hmmm...well, it sounds like another of these creatures has been
released. Do you think we could trap both of them in the same crypt?
Savan: According to the notes, each ritual is specificially tailored for
a given creature. We can only imprison one at a time, because the
other wouldn't be affected by the stasis field.
Chuang: Now approaching Dunwich star system.
Gretzky: I'm picking up the Romulan wing.
Crouton: Engage impulse engines. On screen.
[The screen blinks on, showing a dozen Romulan warbirds. They are all
dark and drifting.]
Gretzky: Scanning no life forms, no active subspace fields. Those ships
are dead.
Crouton: Damaged?
Gretzky: No, just...dead.
Crouton: Savan, can you locate the planet in the Dunwich system that has
the tomb on it? Assuming there is on, that is...
Savan: I already have. There's only one class-m planet is this solar
system, and it does have a tomb on it.
Soraya: Bingo.
Crouton: Number One...prepare your Away Team, if you please.
[Exterior, Dunwich. We see another huge crypt, like the one on GMC131. Same
stone and design. The doors to the tomb have been torn away from their
hinges. The Away Team materializes.]
Highlander: Well. Let's see what we can see. [They move in through the
now non-existent doors.]
Highlander: Oh. Wow.
[We see, in the dim light of the handlights, that the entire back wall ahas
been torn apart. A huge, cavernous room lies beyond. Pools of water...or
something...lie on the floor. Scattered here and there are bodies of
Romulans; one appears to have been torn open.]
Jez: Mrowp meow mrow mrow meow yowl. [I thought it would be impossible to
break open one of those seals.]
Highlander: Apparently not.
Jez: Mrowl yowl! [We've got to find it!]
Soraya: I think we're standing on it.
[We look down to see a fine green sand scattered around on the floor.]
Highlander: That's just f***ing great. Now how are we going to get this
thing back in here?
Soraya: We'll have to try it with the other Elder Sign. I'll go get it;
Jez, you start the ritual.
Jez: Yowlp? [ME?]
Soraya: Yes, you. [Taps comm pin.] Croutonprize, one to beam up.
[Interior, Croutonprize, Soraya's lab. She dashes in, grabs the Elder Sign
on the desk, and the Red Alert klaxon sounds.]
Zen: Be Alert! The world needs more lerts!
Soraya: What now? [She runs from the room.]
[Interior, bridge. Soraya comes on through the turbolift.]
Crouton: Set course 943.43 mark 2.0, speed jolt factor 5.
Soraya: Captain, what's going on?
Crouton: We just recieved a distress signal from a nearby Romulan colony.
Apparently they're being attacked by some creature that has descended
on them from space.
Soraya: Uh oh.
Crouton: When did you get back here?
Soraya: I came back to get this [she hold up Elder Sign]. The one down
on the planet was destroyed.
Crouton: Do you think that you can still complete the ritual?
Soraya: I don't know. We're going to try, though.
Crouton: Well, get going, then.
[Exterior, Dunwich. The shuttlecraft _Crash_ lands softly, and Soraya
gets out and enters the tomb. Inside, Jez and the rest of the team are
continuing the Entrapment Ritual.]
Highlander [reading from an 8x5 index card, holding his left hand in the air]:
...may the terror be ended by the power of the great one....
Team [chorus]: All praise to the great one...
[Soraya moves forward and joins the ritual.
[Interior, Croutonprize Bridge. Battlestations have been sounded.]
Chuang: Now approaching Jila 4.
Crouton: Tactical, report.
Gretzky: Our scans aren't showing much yet, sir...wait...picking up large-
scale disruptor fire near one of the large cities.
Crouton: Hail the colony.
Gretzky: You're on, Captain.
Crouton: This is Captain Christopher L. Crouton of the Federation Starship
Croutonprize. We are here in answer to your distress signal. How can
we be of assistance?
[The viewscreen lights up, showing a harried Romulan Prefect.]
Prefect: We're being attacked by some creature...we've never encountered
anything like it...help us, please!
Gretzky: Sir, we could try a phaser strike, if we could get everyone out
of the area...
Crouton: Prefect, move your troops away from the creature so we can attempt
to attack it with our ship's weapons.
Prefect: Give me a few minutes...
Crouton: Make it quick. Croutonprize out.
[A minute or two passes...]
Gretzky: The people are moving away from the...thing...sir, our scans aren't
locking onto that thing properly...
Savan: It doesn't seem to be entirely...there...almost like the Lucky Charms.
But different.
Crouton: Can we get a phaser lock?
Gretzky: Yes sir. But I have doubts that our weapons will do much good.
Crouton: We don't have much of a choice. Is the area clear?
Gretzky: It is now, sir.
Crouton: Fire forward phaser bank.
[Exterior, Croutonprize. An intense phaser beam lances out from the
Croutonprize and strikes the surface of the planet.]
Crouton: Report.
Gretzky: The thing is moving away from the phaser beams...
Zen: Now tracking uncorrelated target
approaching from vector 23.4 on a collision course.
Crouton: What the...
Zen: Now tracking second uncorrelated
target approaching from vector 355.5 on a collision course.
Crouton: Cease fire. Chuang, evasive maneuvers, course 122.4 speed 2/3
impulse. Initiate Cooper Maneuver.
Chuang: Cooper Maneuver, aye.
Crouton: What the hell are those things?
Savan: They're the same as the thing on the planet.
Crouton: You mean there's more than one of them?!?
Savan: No, sir...they're the SAME one.
Crouton: You mean that thing can be in more than one place at a given time?
Savan: It would seem so, sir.
Crouton: That's kinda...neat. Chuang, bring us around. Let's get a look at
our friends...friend.
[The starfield sweeps across the viewscreen, and finally centers on what looks
like a globule of grey soapsuds with tentacles.]
Savan: Eeew. Gross.
Crouton: Fire phasers.
[We see a phaser beam lance out to the creature, but it vanishes.]
Zen: Tracking uncorrelated target
approaching from vector 180.0.
Crouton: Aft view.
[The viewscreen flickers to an aft view to show the creature approaching.]
Crouton: Aft torpedos, fire!
[Two crouton torpedos fire at the creature, but it vanishes again.]
Gretzky: Sir, I'm getting something over the communication freq...
Yog-Sothoth: Surrender, ephemerals, and I will let you serve me. I am
Yog-Sothoth, and I am here to stay.
Your weapons cannot harm me. You cannot defeat me. I exist
outside of time, and there is no time that can see me cease to exist.
Crouton: Opinion, Savan?
Savan: Very poor temporal theory, Captain.
[Interior, Dunwich crypt. The ritual is reaching it's cresendo.]
Soraya: Let the power of the Great Ones be felt again...
Team [Chrous]: All praise to the Great Ones.
Soraya: Let the Elder Sign be the channel through which power will flow...
[The Elder Sign in Soraya's hands begins to light up with a witchglow...]
[Interior, Bridge.]
Gretzky: Sir, that thing on the planet is continuing to attack.
Zen: Deck 17, Engineering.
Crouton: Missy!
[Interior, Engineering. People are dashing hither and yon, working
frantically. Suddenly tentacles reach out from the intermix chamber and
grab the nearest person, covering him completely. He screams, and then his
screams are muffled, then they stop.]
Missy: Shit! [She dodges a tentacle and taps her com pin] Engineering to
bridge...it seems the intermix chamber has developed an appetite for
my crew.
Crouton [ic]: Missy, we've been invaded by another creature...it's penetrated
Engineering.
Missy: Tell me about it! It's taken up housekeeping in the intermix
chamber!
[A security team dashes in. Two of them are immediately hit by tentacles. A
third raises his phaser and prepares to fire...]
Missy: No, don't! You fire at that chamber and we're all dead!
[Interior, Dunwich crypt. The Elder Sign is now brightly glowing, and the room
is being illuminated by its ghostly light.]
Soraya: Let the doors be closed again. Let the evil of the Old Ones be
contained.
[Behind them, a ghostly wall flickers across the opening to the cavern.]
Highlander: This is very f***ing weird.
[Soraya moves toward the "wall" chanting.]
Soraya: Il ch'hudur n'alm! Ia! Dys! Yog-Sothoth!
[Interior, Engineering. The tentacles are lashing about, destroying equipment
and people alike. One tentacle hits the life-support panel and the lights
go out.]
Missy: Grrrrrrr....
[Interior, Bridge. All is dark, except for panel lights and the emergency
lighting.]
Crouton: Bridge to engineering...we can't fight if we can't see!
[Interior, Engineering.]
Missy: All right, God dammit. This has gone far enough. {She gets up from
her hiding place behind a computer panel and starts to yell.] Knock it
off! I've worked long and hard to keep this place going, and now you're
going to ruin it all!
[A tentacle reaches for her, but she slaps it away.]
Missy: I'm serious, Mister...if you don't get out of my intermix chamber
RIGHT NOW, I'm going to get pissed!
[Several tentacles reach for her, then the entire thing vanishes.]
Missy [a little astonished]: That's ... better.
[Interior, Dunwich crypt. The walls are almost solid now, and the doors
doors can be seen.]
Soraya: R'elh tach! Shou'ch it n'a-bor!
[Through the ghostly walls, we can see Yog-Sothoth materialize, driven by
the power of the ritual.]
Yog-Sothoth: What? You...ephemerals?
[Soraya continues chanting and moving toward the double doors, ready to place
the seal in position.]
Yog-Sothoth: No! Release me! I will spare the Earth! I'll give it to you
as a plaything! Release me!
Jez: Mrowl yoooowwl yowp! [You're in no position to bargain!]
[Soraya puts the seal in place, and the walls solidify, but as they do...]
Yog-Sothoth: Even now one laughs! Even now your circle is smaller!
[...then the ritual is complete, and the tomb is sealed again.]
[Interior, Croutonprize Sickbay. Crossfire opens his eyes, and sits up in
his bed.]
----------------
Date: Thu, 15 Nov 90 17:51:36 EST
From: donaghey@husc9.harvard.edu (Thomas Donaghey)
Subject: Fire aboard Heisenberg! (Episode qua diary-entry)
"Fire Aboard Heisenberg!"
OK, ok, perhaps I'm overreacting. I've just read ten zillion messages on the
USS Heisenberg local computer network, all flaming a particularly virulently
anti-homosexual article by Orson Scott Card, of all people. The article itself
is barely defensible and negates its acceptable arguments with still more un-
acceptable ones. But what with all the flaming going on, we seem to have set
fire to various rooms aboard the ship. My quarters are somewhat charred; those
of the Speaker for the Dead are entirely carbonized. Have sealed off the area
where the most part of the flaming is taking place, and am going to let it
burn itself out there (it's a non-crucial deck, mostly storage bays full of
cartons of righteous indignation and the like) while I undertake to repair the
damage to the worst-hit areas. Notably the air systems; the flaming has released
lots of heat and smoke and the systems quit through overload.
I've just received word from a soot-covered alien named Matt that many of the
flamers have tired of aiming at a target that can't flame back (i.e. the non0
non-existent Card) and have begun shooting at each other. Am diverting
an emergency backup generator towards a backup air supply for the closed-off
areas. Am lacing the air supply with a little laughing-gas just for kicks.
That and perhaps it'll divert the attention of the combatants...
Well, I've repaired most of the damage. My quarters are clean enough for me to
go and take a short nap, and the air supply is back on. I can still hear the
occasionally shooting flames--I've left on an intercom so I can tell when to
open the doors and clean out the place. What'll be left I can only guess, but
I remember that righteous indignation becomes unstable when exposed to great
heat, but quickly breaks down and vanishes into carbon dioxide and water after-
wards. I've drilled a couple drains upward into the floor of the flaming-
chamber to catch the water: the backup air supply should take care of the
rest.
The laughing gas seems to have kicked in; I hear the combatants enjoying them-
selves rather noisily. It won't be long now before I have to go down and clear
up the mess; I'd better grab some shut-eye while I can. This has been rather
a longer episode than I usually compose, dear diary; but it may entertain some
Star Fleet scholars to come. Whoever said that the Federation was a serious
place has never been on this ship; it can be a madhouse sometimes.
-From the diaries of Lt. Cdr. Q. Torvald McDonagh
Chief Engineer and Silly Support
USS Heisenberg
----------------
Date: Thu, 15 Nov 90 9:16:45 edt
From: "silent apprentice (Gilliam, Suzanne)"
Subject: ST:TCG
On the next episode of Star Trek: The Crouton Generation
"A Knight of Mourning"
The members of the Chivalier gather to bid farewell to their newly
departed 2nd officer, Commander half japanese. All members gathered for the
sad occasion, and many tears were shed as the crew paid their last respects.
The oddest event was the appearance of a man in metal armour, who walked
around the ship with his dead plucked chicken and walked up to Capt. Chow as
he preformed the ceremony. The Knight then proceeded to hit the good Captain
on the head, and then proceeded to pull out a communicator and said "Beam me
up, Scotty, there's no intelligent life down here." None of us knew who this
knight was, so we stood there in a daze as Captain Chow finished the service.
half japanese will be missed by those of us on the Chivalier.
----------------
Date: Fri, 16 Nov 90 15:01:24 -0700
From: reidj@tramp (Crossfire)
Subject: ST:TCG "A Duck in Hand..."
Next time, on an all-new episode of Star Trek: The Crouton Generation--
"A Duck in Hand..."
Lt. Cmdr Midzor's .logout file, which keeps changing from "A sword in your
duck is better than soup in your hand," and all other imaginable permutations,
completely confuses Zen to such an extent that he dumps his core into her
account and won't let her compress her mail. Can Missy figure out how to get
out of this latest problem? Or will she be completely in the dark? Can Jez
the Wonder Kitty find a way to soothe Zen? Will Soraya find the key to the
problem? All this and more as the crew fights to survive on the next exciting
episode of Star Trek: The Crouton Generation.
Crossfire -- reidj@tramp.Colorado.EDU
Tactical Weapons Specialist, USS _Croutonprize_ NCC 1741-C
----------------
Date: Mon, 19 Nov 90 00:27:33 -0700
From: zecca@tramp (Admiral Avenger)
Subject: ST:TCG2 "Over the Hill"
All right, technically, it's now the day after my birthday, but I wrote
this episode last night at the beginning of my birthday before going to
bed (at like, 5 am or something). I just wanted to refine it a bit
before I posted it, so here goes. (Besides, I'm still awake, so it
still feels like my birthday to me.)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
"Captain's Log, Stardate 101541.5, Second Officer Ghiasi reporting:
We are exploring the Sigma Pi Sigma star cluster near 30 Doradus
in the Large Magellanic Cloud. Lt. Himle's paranoia has led to increased
scans for Lucky Charm intrustion, but as yet we have seen no sign."
Savan: Something funny on the scanners, Commander.
Ghiasi: Explain.
Himle: Hoo boy.
Ghiasi (stepping up to Ops): You found something, Mr. Himle?
Himle: Take a look. (He magnifies the viewer.)
On screen, we see a large Christmas-tree shaped ship floating freely in
the star cluster.
Chuang: Is that--?
Himle: Holiday Lucky Charms. I'd lay money on it.
Gretzky: Incoming message from Starbase LMC, Commander.
Ghiasi: Let me hear it.
An audio-only message from a harried Rear Admiral Bradford becomes audible.
Bradford (ss): Admiral Avenger has disappeared, _Croutonprize_, heading in
your direction. His surprise birthday party was supposed to occur in
less than four hours. Please find him and return him to base. Out.
Ghiasi: Red alert. Captain to the bridge.
* * * * *
"Over the Hill"
Written by Admiral Avenger
Guest stars
Wilford Brimley as Yef
Al Lewis as Yel
Art Carney as Yem
Morton Downey, Jr. as the voice of the Lucky Charms
Directed by Carl Reiner
* * * * *
Interior, bridge of the _Rampage_. Lights are dimmed to nearly out.
Avenger sits at the helm. T'Lilith is seated next to him at the ops
station.
T'Lilith: Why did we come all the way out here?
Avenger: I had to get away for awhile.
T'Lilith: Explain.
Avenger (looks up from the helm): All right. To be honest, I found
out about the surprise party. You remember last time...
T'Lilith: I know it made you very uncomfortable...but you can't run away
forever.
Avenger: I can certainly try.
She glares at him. He can't tell whether it is a Klingon or Vulcan glare.
Avenger: That was a joke.
T'Lilith: Not a very good one.
Avenger: I came to see them...they should be able to help me.
T'Lilith: What are they doing out here?
Avenger: boH'wI'...the LMC is halfway to my true homeworld. They DO have
colonies here, you know.
T'Lilith: True homeworld? I don't know if I'd call it that.
Avenger: All right. My non-human parent's homeworld. So what if I was
raised on Earth?
T'Lilith: Well, let's get it over with at least. Will I be allowed to...?
Avenger: Unlikely...I am sorry...they tend not to like to show themselves
to strangers...
T'Lilith: Which explains your own aversion to people, I suppose...
* * * * *
Zen: < RED ALERT > < RED ALERT > We're having a red alert. < RED ALERT >
Crouton: What now? I don't know if I can handle much more of this.
Ghiasi: Lucky Charms, sir. New strain.
Himle: "Holiday" Lucky Charms, sir. I seem to remember some legends about
them in my 20th century breakfast lore class.
Highlander: F***! They're flying Christmas trees now!
Crouton: Ack. Should we risk revealing ourselves to threaten them off,
or should we try to sneak away?
Jez: Meowp rowp mrow mrowp mrowp bo mrowp. [ Let's just beat the hell
out of them before they get us. ]
Savan: Sir, I don't think you're going to have to make that decision.
The Christmas tree turns toward the _Croutonprize_ and begins to move
toward the viewscreen at warp speed.
* * * * *
The _Rampage_ drops out of warp and almost immediately drops to full stop.
Sensors begin bleeping across the board.
T'Lilith (reading ops panels): ghuy'cha! Christmas tree shaped Lucky
Charm vessel approaching at Jolt-Warp 3.
Avenger: They're not after us.
T'Lilith: Who then?
Avenger: The _Croutonprize_.
* * * * *
Crouton: Lucky Charm vessel. This is Captain Christopher L. Crouton of
the Federation starship _Croutonprize_. You will turn back now or we
will destroy your--
Lucky Charm voice: You have been a bad little boy, Captain, but not nearly
as bad as the one called Crossfire. We've made a list and checked it
twice, and you're sure as hell more naughty than nice. The Lucky Charms
are coming to town.
Crossfire exits turbolift 2, catching most of the message.
Crossfire: Looks like I *am* needed here.
Lucky Charm: You will surrender the one called Crossfire to us, Captain
Pecan, or my little elves will put your childrens' hearts in their
stockings.
Gretzky (angry, frightened): Captain...!
Crouton: I...I...
* * * * *
T'Lilith: We will have to distract them somehow.
Avenger: Wait! (Squeezes eyes shut.) THEY are coming...
* * * * *
A blinding white light and a loud buzzing noise envelop the Lucky Charm
vessel and the bridge of the _Croutonprize_.
Highlander: What the f***?!?
Crouton: Lt. Cdr. Savaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa..... (grinds to a halt in time)
* * * * *
Three old men appear on the bridge of the _Rampage_, dressed as if
they had just come from the golf course.
Yel: Looks like you have a little problem here, little one.
Yem: Anything we can help you with?
Avenger: Well, actually...
T'Lilith: Aren't you going to introduce me...?
Avenger (surprised): You're still moving?
Yef: You didn't think we'd want to miss meeting your bethrothed, little
one? Hello, my dear. (nods his head)
Yel and Yem nod their heads as well.
T'Lilith: Excuse my ignorance...who are you?
Yem: We are the Elders.
T'Lilith: The Elders?
Yel: Is there an echo around here?
T'Lilith: Just the Elders?
Yef: It's what we prefer to be called. What's wrong, son?
Avenger closes his eyes. A moment later, he opens them.
Yef: I see.
Yem: Hmm...you don't sound happy.
Yel: You are one of us. If this Federation so respects the cultural
idiosyncracies of so many races, they should yours as well.
Avenger: It's just so hard to justify to them.
Yem: So don't.
Yef: Or, you could try to act as them, if you think it's the right
thing to do.
T'Lilith: boH'wI?
Avenger: Yes?
T'Lilith: I know how much it all pains you... Just do whatever you feel
is right. I will try to understand.
Yem: Now what about these Lucky Charms?
Avenger: Damn nuisance, aren't they?
Yef: Watch your language, son.
Avenger: Yes, sir.
Yel: I think we can take care of these little grinches. Just don't you
worry about it...we'll help you and your friends.
Yem: You have made us all proud.
Avenger: I feel so old amongst them though.
Yef: You probably always will. But compared to us, you are still only
a child.
Avenger: True. Thank you.
Yel: Any time, son. Just give us a ring if you need us.
The three old men disappear, Yel cackling.
* * * * *
Crouton: aaaaaaaaaaaaan, compute likelihood of our defenses holding
up against direct Lucky Charm intervention?
Highlander: Where the F*** did they go?
Crossfire: It's got to be a trick, captain. They'll be boarding any
time now.
Gretzky: Captain, we're being hailed by the _Rampage_.
Crouton: On screen.
Avenger (ss): The Lucky Charms have been...taken care of, Captain.
Crossfire (mumbling, under his breath): Bulls***.
Crouton glares at Crossfire, then speaks.
Crouton: Admiral, are you all right? The Starbase was worried...
Avenger: Tell them that their orders are to return to duty and forget
about surprise parties or any other such reminders of my age. I will
return to base shortly and I expect no interference in my personal life.
Ghiasi: Admiral?
Avenger: Yes, Commander?
Ghiasi: Happy birthday.
Avenger: I'd prefer a quiet one. Thanks anyway. (Closes channel.)
_Rampage_ jumps into warp.
Highlander: What the f*** was all that about?
Crossfire: I don't think you could possibly understand, Commander.
----------------
Date: Mon, 19 Nov 90 01:24:48 -0700
From: zecca@tramp (Admiral Avenger)
To: junk@typhoon.ucar.EDU
Subject: ST:TCG **Flashback** episode!
"Captain's Log, Stardate 91473.2:
The _Christopher Pike_ is en route to Zeta Gamma Section 14, where
we have received a distress call from a Pakled freighter. We are
approaching with caution."
The doors to the Captain's Ready Room open and the Imperial March theme from
_The Empire Strikes Back_ spills forth from within. Captain Avenger,
resplendent in his red uniform and black cloak, strolls out of his Ready
Room to the captain's chair. He twirls the cloak out of the way and slouches
into the captain's chair. He looks no older, no younger than he does now
as a Star Fleet Admiral.
Avenger: Give me the bad news, Number One.
Heins: The _Bernstein_ reached the Pakled ship first. We just received its
distress call.
Avenger: Let me hear it.
_Bernstein_ Captain: ...cube-shaped......--an you assist
us, _Pike_? Can you assist-- (click)
Lt. Cdr. Townsend, the second officer, turns from the ops station.
Townsend: It went dead at that point, Captain. We can find no other sign
of the _Bernstein_'s existence.
Heins: Sounds like the Borg.
Avenger: Great. Just what I needed. First the GRE Physics exam, now this.
(turns to con) Mr. Howsam, plot an intercept course.
Townsend: Red Alert.
* * * * *
"Serving the Best"
Written by Admiral Avenger
Guest stars
John Heins as Number One
Phil Morris as Lt. Cdr. McReynolds
Anne-Marie Martin as Lt. Cdr. Townsend
Neil Patrick Harris as Lt. Howsam
Mike Atkinson
Bart Simpson
Boris Becker
and
Bjorn Borg as Bjorn of Borg
Directed by Robert Scheerer
* * * * *
The _Galaxy_-class _USS Christopher Pike_ (NCC-1779-A) drops out of warp
500,000 km from a rather normal-looking Borg vessel. The Borg ship also
drops out of warp but doesn't stop until it is within a few km of the _Pike_.
Avenger (pulling his hair absent-mindedly): They haven't bothered us in
twenty years. I wonder what they want now.
Heins (from next to the tactical station): I don't know. What did the
Spectroxians want with Mr. Rogers?
Avenger: Good point. Mr. Atkinson, your scan please.
Atkinson: Standard Borg ship. Nothing really seems to be going on. It's
just sitting there. Maybe we should beam Wesley over to check it out...
Ha ha ha ha ha
Townsend: Get a life, Mr. Atkinson. Captain, I don't like this one bit.
Warn them off.
Avenger: "Warnings are irrelevant," Commander. (taps panel) McReynolds,
how are we on defenses?
McReynolds (ic): Assuming they haven't assimilated any significantly new
technology recently, our standard anti-Borg defenses should hold up.
That doesn't _really_ mean much where the Borg are concerned, of course.
Avenger: Howsam, hailing frequency.
Howsam: Open, sir.
Avenger slouches more in his chair. He speaks almost indifferently.
Avenger: Borg vessel, this is Captain Avenger of the _USS Christopher Pike_.
State your business and go the hell home.
Bjorn: M. Robert Avenger, captain of the _USS Pike_, NCC-1779-A. You will
lower your shields and transport yourself aboard our vessel.
Avenger: And if I don't?
Bjorn: Resistance is futile. If you do not transport yourself--
B.A.R.T.: Eat my transtators, Borg-dudes.
Bjorn: Consequences are imminent.
Three Borg transport blatantly onto the bridge. Two are clearly Vulcanoid
in appearance. Howsam leaps up from his console and leaps at the nearest
Borg, who flings him against the far wall.
Heins: Romulans?!?
Lt. Cdr. Townsend draws her phaser and takes down the Borg that disabled
Howsam. Another Borg picks up Heins and tosses him on top of Townsend.
The third Borg reaches for Avenger's neck and pins something to it.
Avenger: AAAA!!
He struggles against the paralysis induced by the Borg device and manages
to raise his right arm. He makes an unsuccessful attempt at a Vulcan nerve
pinch through an inch of armor before disappearing from the bridge with the
Borg. The dead Borg fizzles out of existence.
Townsend: exCUSE me, Commander!
Heins: Oh, sorry. (Gets up off of her.) Mr. Atkinson, scan for signs
of the captain.
The Borg ship jumps into warp as Heins hops up to the tactical station.
Heins: Howsam, floor it. Don't let them get away from us.
Atkinson: Commander, they're heading straight for their home territory.
* * * * *
Three Borg march Avenger toward a local brain central in the Borg ship.
Avenger: Pick up your feet, will you? Geeeez. People think *I* make
a lot of noise when I walk.
They stop and Bjorn turns to the captain.
Bjorn: Captain Avenger, your fame as a starship captain proceeds you.
You will follow.
Avenger: I don't follow anyone! Every individual has undeniable rights--!
Bjorn: Civil liberties are irrelevant. You will walk this way.
Bjorn turns and begins marching down a long, narrow corridor.
Avenger: If I could walk that way... (looks at the nearby, impassive Borg)
...oh, never mind. (He follows Bjorn.)
* * * * *
Howsam: We're keeping pace, Commander, but that's all. Should I boost
speed?
Townsend (taps panel): McReynolds, how far can we push the warp engines?
McReynolds (ic): I can give you Six-Warp 10.7 for a few minutes, but
if you're planning on doing ANYTHING, you've got to halt that ship!
Townsend: Understood, Chief Engineer.
Heins: Townsend, get a minimal away team together. Howsam, boost speed
and get me Starbase 124.
* * * * *
Bjorn enters a large enclosed tennis court inside the Borg vessel. Avenger
follows. He is handed a racket and a can of tennis balls by a nearby Borg,
who appears to be outfitted for line judge duties. Bjorn moves to the far
side of the court and picks up his racket in his humanoid hand.
Bjorn: You will take your position, Captain, or you will be punished.
Avenger: Ohhhhhhkay. (moves into position)
Bjorn: Your culture will adapt to serve to ours. Love-love.
Bjorn raises his Borg arm and fires a tennis ball across the net. Not
expecting this, Avenger merely ducks when the ball comes toward him.
Avenger: We do not server anyone.
Bjorn: You misunderstood me, Captain. Your culture will adapt to
serve TO ours. 15-Love. (fires another ball)
Avenger pounds the ball back into the other court with a backhand, but
alas, his tennis prowess lacks and the ball goes out.
Avenger: Bjorn, we have better things to do with our time than...
Bjorn: Human affairs are irrelevant. 30-Love. (fires another ball)
Avenger this time slams the ball with a powerful backhand, sending it
toward the ceiling, destroying a power distribution node. The lights
over the tennis court go out.
Avenger: Hmmmm... (opens the can and pulls out three balls, serving
each of them into other power distribution nodes)
* * * * *
Atkinson: The Borg are dropping out of warp.
Heins: Full stop.
Suddenly, a Borg appears at the back of the bridge. It pushes Atkinson
to the floor and begins to fool with the computer station.
Borg: Computer, shut down power to--
B.A.R.T.: I'm B.A.R.T. the computer. Who the hell are you?
Borg: We are the Borg. You will--
B.A.R.T.: I don't have to. Nya nyah nya nya nyaaaaah nyah.
Heins: Get away from our computer.
Suddenly, Bjorn and Avenger appear on the bridge.
Heins: Captain!
Security guards rush toward Bjorn to rescue the captain.
Bjorn: I am Bjorn of Borg. Your culture will adapt to serve to ours.
(pause) 40-Love.
Bjorn begins to fire a continuous stream of tennis balls, with a 1/3
second delay between each firing, knocking down the security officers
and littering the bridge.
Bjorn: We want only to improve your quality of life by bringing tennis
into every part of it.
Townsend: This is stupid. (turns toward the back of the bridge) Ensign
Becker!
Ensign Becker, a tall, young blond German security officer approaches
the tactical station.
Townsend: Mo"chten Sie mit Herr Bjorn des Borg Tennis spielen?
Becker: Ja, Fra"ulein Kommander Townsend. Ich mo"chte viel mit Herr
Bjorn Tennis spielen.
Townsend: Bitte...
Ensign Becker produces a racket of his own, picks up one of the balls
lying around the bridge, and serves it toward Bjorn. Bjorn volleys the
ball back over the tactical station. Becker sends it back, bouncing
it near the con station.
Becker: 40-15. (serves again)
This time Becker serves the ball right into Bjorn's face. Avenger takes
the moment to release himself and pulls off Bjorn's arm attachment while
he's at it.
The Borg at the back of the bridge stops fiddling with B.A.R.T. and advances
toward Becker. Becker brings up his racket sharp and hard into the Borg's
face, cracking its eyepiece, then yanks several hoses free.
Bjorn: We will return to face you at Wimbledon.
Bjorn and the other Borg disappear. The Borg ship jumps into warp and
leaves the sector.
Avenger: Good work, Boris. You can play on our court any time.
Becker: Danke, Herr Capitan.
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