STAR TREK: THE CROUTON GENERATION
			   SEASON TWO
			Episodes #59 - 63

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Tue, 27 Nov 90 14:48:14 edt
From: "Lt. Euge of USS Chivalier (Yee, Eugene)" 
(Actually half japanese )
Subject: sttcg

On the NEXT sintilating episodde of Star Trek: The Crouton Generation:

                "Flirtatious Posession"

While the ghost of half japanese posesses Lt. Euge's body, the two of them
decide to have an affair.  Lt. Abdul walks into Euge's cabin to find him
"commiting sins under the sheets"...alone. what will the other crew members
of the Chivalier think? What will capt. Chow do?  Will anyone believe Euge's
story that he was posessed? Will the deceased half japanese get credit for
writing this episode? Find out on the next ST;TCG episode!

---------------
Date: Fri, 30 Nov 90 18:51:26 -0700
From: reidj@tramp.Colorado.EDU (Crossfire)
Subject: ST:TCG  "Prefatory Matters"

Next time, on an all-new episode of Star Trek:  The Crouton Generation--

"Captain's log, stardate 901113.40.  After Lt. Cmdr. Ghiasi's successful
attempt to imprison the creature Yog-Sothoth, Starfleet Command has ordered
us to stay in orbit around Dunwich until the Romulans can send a warbird to
keep it under patrol.  All the star systems marked by the star map are currently
being patrolled by the Federation, including the one in the Large Magellanic
Cloud.  No sign has been seen of Nyarlathotep since the Romulans last
encountered it.
On a personal note I'd like to say that we are grateful that Lt. Cmdr.
Crossfire is back on his feet.  Dr. Icefalcon and Counselor Neon are running
a battery of tests on him to see why he recovered in hopes of finding a way to
help the third of my crew that is still catatonic."

[Interior, Croutonprize Sickbay.  Crossfire is sitting watching a viewscreen
 that is displaying a series of random images.  Neon stands behind him,
 watching closely and occasionally touching a control panel.]
Crossfire:  Why the hell do I have to do this again?
Neon:  Now, you know why...
Crossfire:  But this is the fourth time...
Neon:  Shush.  Just watch the screen.

* * * * * * * *

"Prefatory Matters"

Guest stars Alan Rickman as the physical form of Nyarlathotep

Special Guest Stars Patrick Stewart as Admiral Jean-Luc Picard


[Interior, Conference Room.  Crouton, Highlander, Savan, Ghiasi, Crossfire,
 Icefalcon, and Neon are all sitting at the table.]
Crouton:  Let's begin.  Savan, report?
Savan:  We've been trying to see if we can't duplicate the Elder Signs, since
     we used the last one to imprison Yog-Sothoth.
Crouton:  Any luck?
Ghiasi:  Well, it's hard to say.  Those signs had a very strange molecular
     structure that we haven't been able to duplicate in computer models, much
     less reality.
Savan:  But we think we might be able to project a proper force field using
     a mock-up.  But we are having to use Sniez Garde shield technology, which
     is difficult to understand in and of itself.
Ghiasi:  We think we can make a strong enough shield that will keep
     Nyarlathotep back.  And probably prevent him from driving us crazy. [She
     glances at Crossfire then quickly looks away.]
Crouton:  Any idea as to how long it's going to take to make one of these
     generators?
Savan:  We don't know.  It's going to be a while.  And when we finally do make
     one, there's going to be only one way to test it.
Crouton [nodding]:  Understood.  Doctor?
Icefalcon [very tired and not in the mood]:  You got me.
Crouton:  Pardon me?
Icefalcon:  I don't understand what this Nyarlathotep did to the crewmembers,
     or why Crossfire seems to have recovered.  All the tests I can think of
     show he's fine.
Neon: And I can't find anything either.  The only difference between Crossfire
    and the rest of the people is that he's got a higher stability index.  But
    I can't really find any other connection.
Crouton:  Crossfire?
Crossfire [shrugging]:  I'll be damned if I know what's going on.  I don't
     remember anything after walking into that tomb.
Crouton:  Do you feel capable of resuming your duties?
Crossfire: Yessir.
Icefalcon:  Neon and I have certified him fit for duty.  He can return to work
     whenever he wants.

[Interior, Bridge.]
Gretzky:  Captain...I'm picking up a Priority One subspace message from the
     Starfleet Command.
Crouton:  On screen.
[The viewscreen shows Admiral Picard in his office.]
Picard [ss]:  Croutonprize, Sol's outer defense perimeter has been penetrated
     by Nyarlathotep.  It appears to be heading for Earth, as we expected.
     You are ordered to return to Earth as rapidly as possible to help if
     needed.
     In a sidelight, the Atlantis Colony in the North Pacific has
     detected strange tectonic activity just to the southeast of their domes.
     We are transmitting these unusual readings to you for analysis.  Since
     Nyarlathotep has been detected approaching Earth, I don't feel this
     is a coincidence.  Picard out.
Savan:  Information received.  I'm starting my analysis.
Highlander:  What kind of tectonic activity are we talking about?
Savan:  It looks like some kind of rising under the pacific plate.  But I
     don't know exactly what yet.  Give me a few minutes.
Crouton:  Lieutenant Chuang, set course for Earth.  Speed, jolt-factor 6.

* * * * * * *

"Captain's log, supplemental.  We are approaching Earth and will arrive within
the hour.  We have been in constant contact with Starfleet Command, and
apparently Nyarlathotep has taken up a geostationary orbit over the Pacific
ocean.  But he has taken no other action."

Savan:  Sir, according to my analysis of the tectonic readings, it is something
    rising up from below the pacific plate.  At first I thought it might be
    a magma bubble of some sort, but it seems to be solid.
Highlander:  What is it?
Savan:  Unknown as yet, sir.
Crouton:  Will it break through the plate?
Savan:  I can't tell that either.  But given the current events, I'd say
     stranger things have happened.
Gretzky:  Sir, Starfleet Command is hailing us.
Crouton:  On screen.
[Viewscreen shows Picard again.]
Picard [ss]: Croutonprize, we have a new development from the Atlantis Colony.
     It seems that something is breaking through the crust of the earth near
     them.  We have visuals to transmit.
[The viewscreen flickers and shows a shaky picture from what is obviously a
 boat on the Pacific.  We see the Pacific ocean stretching away into the
 horizon.  In the distance we can see some turbulence.  It magnifies to show
 what looks like a volcano just breaking the surface.  After a second a large,
 narrow spire rises out of the turbulence. followed by another.  Slowly, towers
 start to take form.  After a few minutes, it is clear that a large city is
 rising out of the ocean.
 The city is strange, made of black rock and glistening with water.  The
 geometries are non-Euclidean, with odd angles arching away from spires.  It
 continues to rise from the ocean, but it is slowing.
 The picture starts to break up.]
Crouton:  Lieutenant, can you clear that up?
Gretzky:  We're getting interference from a strong, broad-band subspace
     transmission.
Highlander:  Starfleet?
Gretzky:  No.  There is no signal ID, no encoding.  Just a raw transmission.
[The picture breaks up completely into static, then coalesces into a view
 of a nice, wood-paneled office.  In the foreground is an antique wooden
 desk, with a blotter and penholder.  Sitting at the desk is the material form
 of Nyarlathotep, smiling.]

Nyarlathotep:  Good evening, people of Earth.  I thought it time we had a
     talk.  [The "camera" moves in slowly, until his face fills the screen.]
     Are you sitting comfortably?
     Then I'll begin.

---------------
Date: Fri, 7 Dec 90 12:07:51 EST
From: bryant@husc9.harvard.edu (Katherine 'Kabeta' Bryant)
To: junk@typhoon.ucar.EDU
Subject: ST:TCG2 "Goin' Home" (***LONG***)

[Starbase LMC, during a break in the conference.  The officers from 
all the ships are milling about a recreation area.  Miscellaneous officers
are flirting with other officers.  Lt. JG Hutchings and Counselor Tracy
are putting on something of a juggling exhibition.  Threading his way
carefully by the flying objects, a young ensign approaches Kabeta, who
is talking with Captain Muirden.]

Ensign:  Uh, Captain?  Admiral Avenger and Rear Admiral Bradford request 
your presence in the "radio room."  Apparently a message has arrived coded
for the three of you only.

Kabeta:  Oh.  Okay.

["Radio room".  Avenger and Bradford are seated.  The door opens and Kabeta
enters.]

Avenger: Ah, Captain.  Glad they found you.

Kabeta:  Certainly, sir.  What seems to be going on?

Bradford:  Well.... We received a message coded for the three of us.  Sounds
like an odd combination, I agree, but let's see what it is.

[The screen lights up as the message begins.  The figure of Admiral Picard
appears.]

Picard:  We received the following message from Xavion, a planet on the edge
of the Galaxy that just recently gained Federation membership.  It is asking
for aid, but the aid it needs is to fight a civil war.  I am sending it
to you because the person speaking, Queen Alexis, specifically asked that
it be sent to Kabeta if she could be found.  I leave it to the three of you
to decide whether Federation help is appropriate.

[At the mention of the planet Xavion, Kabeta blanches visibly.]


************************************************************************

"Goin' Home"

Written by Katherine Bryant (with assistance from Michael Kleber) 
Directed by Katherine Bryant 
Music by Michael Hutchings

Guest starring:

Christina Marzano as King Stephen of Xavion
Melinda Allen as Queen Alexis of Xavion  
************************************************************************

[The message continues.  Queen Alexis of Xavion, a very young woman of
about 20, is speaking.] 

Alexis:  Our world is torn by rebellion.  The people are questioning our
right to rule.  We fear that there is someone, or something, else backing
the rebels and we ask for Federation aid to overcome them.  We cannot
hold much longer. Please convey this message to Kabeta; please come if
you can. 

[The message ends.  Kabeta has one hand clenched tightly and appears to be 
gnawing on her knuckles.] 

Avenger:  Captain?  What is the problem?  Do you know her?

Kabeta:  It is a voice from my past.... and one that I thought never to
hear again.

Avenger:  How so?

Kabeta: [takes deep breath]  Xavion is my homeworld.  I know this may come
as a surprise to you, for I've never talked about it much.  Fifteen years
ago, the Federation first made contact with the planet.  I was a princess
there, but I gave it all up to travel back with the Federation scouts and
join Starfleet.

Avenger:  Really?  Why?

Kabeta:  Well.... it's a long story.  Xavion's culture is kind of strange.
Some of our technology was reasonably advanced - we had impulse-drive
ships that could travel in our own local system - but the everyday culture
and technology were still quite old-style.

Avenger:  Sounds like Camelot, that we saw in the SMC.

Kabeta:  Kind of, yes.  At any rate, people are considered adults at 16.
The story of my life is a very strange one, but suffice it to say that I
and my three siblings (quadruplets, if you can believe that!) were the   
children of a king whose throne was usurped when we were tiny.  We were
split up and sent to different parts of the land, but eventually were able
to overthrow the usurper and put my oldest brother back on the throne.
He died about a year before the Federation arrived, and in trying to establish
his daughter and son-in-law (still children, but married by proxy) on the
throne, my other brother and my sister were also killed. 

Avenger:  Not a happy story.

Kabeta:  Well, no, I guess not, but at this point it hardly matters.  Alexis
and Stephen (the queen and king) got settled on the throne, and I was named
Regent till they reached 16.  But I didn't really like that, and when the
Federation arrived, I gave up all rights and such and turned over the Regency
to a cousin.  I left Xavion fifteen years ago, planning never to return.

Avenger:  But they've found you, it seems.  I don't know whether we have
the right to interfere in a civil war.

Bradford:  The queen did say that they thought someone else was backing the
rebels.

Avenger:  True enough.  Captain, what do you think?

[Pause.  Kabeta puzzles.]

Kabeta:  With your permission, sir, I'd like to take the _Heisenberg_ back
to the Milky Way and look into this.  If they took the trouble to find me,
I think I'd better look into it.  But we will intervene only if we find that
someone other than the natives - Ranchers or Kelvins or something - is behind
the revolution.

Avenger:  Permission granted.  Report back to me on what you find, and
report to Admiral Picard as well.

Kabeta:  Certainly, sir.
 
[Bridge, _Heisenberg_.  The ship is en route to the Milky Way.]

Kabeta:  Mr. Kleber, open a shipwide channel.

Kleber:  Done and ready.

Kabeta [clears throat]:  This is Captain Kabeta.  We are currently en route
to the planet Xavion, near the edge of the Galaxy.  Once we reach there,
I will be leading an away team to the planet.  The rest of the crew will
remain on board.  I don't think this will take long - that is, I hope not.
Kabeta out.

Kabeta:  Mr. Furd, you have the con.  Scribonia, Mr. Kleber, Mr. Lin-  
Elenuial, yaz, and maya, meet me in the ready room.

[Ready room.  Kabeta is briefing the officers on what to expect.]

Lin-Elenuial:  So, what you're saying is, we don't really know what we're
getting into.

Kabeta:  More or less.  If there is some outside group backing the rebels,
we are well within our rights as representatives of the Federation to  
intervene.  Otherwise, however hard it may be to see, we'll have to just
stand back.

Kleber:  Understood.

Furd (ic):  Captain, we are now entering orbit.

Kabeta:  All right.  Meet me in the Croutonizer room in five minutes.

[Kabeta's quarters.  She searches for and eventually finds a key.  Opening
a closet, she pulls a small locked trunk from the back.  She opens it
and pulls out a small box and a large folded piece of fabric.  Shaking out
the fabric, she reveals it to be a silver and black cape which she fastens
slowly around her neck.  Then she opens the box, and for the first time
in fifteen years, Princess Kabeta puts on the ruby ring that marks her
rank.]

[Croutonizer room.  Scribonia, Kleber, Lin-Elenuial, yaz-pistachio, and maya
are waiting.  Kabeta enters, cape swinging behind her.]

Kabeta:  All right, everyone.  This is it.  Keep your phasers concealed
unless absolutely necessary.  And when we meet the king and queen - don't
worry, just do as I do.  That is, I *think* I remember protocol!  Garrett,
hail the planet.

Garrett:  Done.

Kabeta:  This is Captain Kabeta of the U.S.S. Heisenberg, United Federation
of Croutons, requesting permission to croutonize to the palace.

Palace security (ic):  Welcome, Captain.  You come none too soon.  You and
your team may beam down as soon as you are ready.

Kabeta:  Thank you.  Garrett?

[The away team croutonizes.  We next see them croutonizing into the reception
room of the palace.]

Security guard:  Welcome!  Their Majesties have asked to see any Federation
representatives as soon as possible.

Kabeta:  Very well, then.  Where can we find them?

Guard:  I'll escort you.  What was your name again?

Kabeta:  I am Captain Kabeta of the U.S.S. Heisenberg.  These are members
of my crew.

Guard:  Kabeta?  Wait.  No.  You couldn't be -

Kabeta:  But I am.

Guard:  Your Highness, I am sorry.  I did not know -

Kabeta:  How could you have?  Take us to Stephen and Alexis, please.

Guard:  At once, Your Highness.

[The Throne Room of Xavion.  Stephen and Alexis are seated, worrying over 
the continuing rebellion.]

[The guard enters.]

Guard:  Captain Kabeta of the U.S.S. Heisenberg, United Federation of 
Croutons, and her crew, request an audience.

Alexis:  Kabeta?  Could it be -

Stephen:  Show them in at once.

[The guard stands aside, and the crew enters.  Kabeta kneels before the
king and queen, and the others follow suit.]

Kabeta:  Your Majesties.

Alexis:  Can this be my aunt Kabeta?  Oh, do stand up, it's wonderful to
see you!

[Alexis and Kabeta embrace.  Stephen follows suit.]

Stephen (to the crew):  Oh, you needn't stay kneeling!  I'm sorry, we
have so few audiences these days...

Alexis:  Are these your crew?

Kabeta (smiling):  Only a very small part of it.  An important part, though.
This is my first officer, Commander Scribonia the Illegible; my chief
Science Officer, Lt. Cdr. yaz-pistachio, my communications officer and
Speaker for the Dead, Lt. JG Michael Kleber; our Silmarils Operator
Lt. JG Iluvanna Lin-Elenuial, and Lt. JG maya, one of our science officers.

Alexis:  Welcome, welcome all.  You come none too soon.  Today there is
to be a battle that both sides have agreed will be final.  It is supposed
to be an individual, hand-combat fight to the death between Stephen and
the rebel leader.  However, we fear that the rebels' backers will use
the occasion to try and attack us all.

yaz:  Do you know anything about the backers?

Stephen:  Not really, but we believe they are not of this planet.

Kabeta:  You must understand that we can do nothing unless that proves true.

Stephen:  Yes, we understand, but we hope you can help.

Kabeta:  We will do our best.

Alexis:  The battle is to be in just under an hour.  Do you need anything
before then?

Kabeta:  Hand weaponry?  We have only our phasers, which I hope we can
avoid using on the locals.  

Stephen:  Certainly.  [He calls to a guard, says something sotto voce.
The guard leaves, then returns with a wide assortment of fine swords.]

Stephen:  Take your pick.

[The officers look a little surprised, then carefully choose from the
swords presented.]

Kabeta:  You will excuse us if we take a little time to formulate a plan.

Alexis:  Of course.  We will see you on the battlefield.

[The officers are conducted to a well-appointed room.]

Kabeta:  All right.  Here's the plan.  Mr. Kleber and Scribonia - you two
stay with the king and guard him from ambush.  I know you've both had some
fencing training, so use only the sword if you can.  The rest of us will
stay back and keep an eye out for those who don't belong here.  If you
discover a Rancher, Kelvin, or (god forbid) Lucky Charm, cover them and
warn me.  Understood?

maya:  Understood.

[The field of battle, slightly later.  Both rebels and loyalists have
congregated. A rebel is speaking.]

Rebel:  ...and so we claim that Stephen and Alexis have no real right to
the throne!  Alexis's father Lycos had no right himself!  He was a usurper
on the throne, claiming it by right of some silly prophecy or other!  He
and his siblings - if they ever existed - merely stole the throne right
out from under the rightful heir!  And what of these siblings?  Supposedly
they were heroic and mighty.  But where are they now?  Two reported dead,
and then the survivor left.  Very convenient...

Loyalist:  You lie!  They were heroes!  They came and fulfilled the ancient
prophecy.  Lechon and Aseret fell valiantly, and then Kabeta disappeared.
One so legendary could not remain a public figure!  She was a hero beyond
any other!

[The officers have arrived in time to hear this.  Kabeta looks alternately
disgusted and embarrassed.]

[The rebels shift position to allow their leader to come to the front to
meet Stephen.  Scribonia and Kleber flank the king as he moves forward.
As the rebels shift, yaz grabs Kabeta's arm.]

yaz:  Captain!  Look!  There, behind the rebels.

Kabeta:  Ranchers.  I should have known.  All right.  yaz, maya, Iluvanna,
spread out.  Cover the Ranchers.  Don't phaser the locals if you can avoid
it; but take out the Ranchers if you have to.  I'll watch the rear.

[The rebel leader advances on Stephen.  They begin to fight with drawn swords,
while the officers stand near, watching nervously.  Suddenly, a group of
Ranchers move out from the rebels and start shooting the Xavionite loyalists.]

[Kleber and Scribonia fight off two Ranchers trying to get to the king.]

Kabeta:  They're coming around the back!  yaz, maya, Iluvanna, back here!

[The officers continue to battle the Ranchers.  Meanwhile, Stephen fights down 
the rebel leader.]

Stephen:  So.  You bring in the Federation's worst enemy, or one of them,
to try to unseat us?  This is worse than treachery. 

[A Rancher makes an attempt to stab Stephen.  Scribonia and Kleber are caught
without phasers accessible, but in an impressive display of swordplay, they 
disarm and pin down the Rancher before he can reach the king.]

yaz:  Captain!  Watch out!

[A Rancher has been sneaking up on Kabeta.  maya fires a phaser and the
Rancher falls just before reaching her.  The officers take out the remaining
Ranchers as the rebel leader is bound and led off to prison.]

Stephen (to the people as a whole):  Disperse!  All is forgiven those who
followed the leader and his alien cohorts, but let us clear the field so
that the fighting may end.  (to the officers)  You have saved us all by your
quick thinking.  You two [indicates Scribonia and Kleber] have done valiantly
with weapons you were not familiar with.  In honor of your valor, keep your
swords.  They are treasures of Xavion, but you - and all of you, in fact -
deserve them as reward for your actions here today.

Kabeta:  (kneeling)  Thank you, Your Majesty.  And now we beg leave to depart.
Our ship waits for us, and we must return to our other duties.  We will
make a full report on the events here to the Federation.

Alexis:  Must you leave so soon?  It has been so long - I hardly remembered
you anymore.

Kabeta:  Yes, we must go.  [pause]  And I think I will probably not return.

Stephen:  Then fare well.  You will be remembered as heroes.

Kabeta (under her breath):  Not again.

[_Heisenberg_, Ten Forward.  The officers from the away team are relaxing.
Kabeta has taken off the cape, and looks her normal captain self.]

Lin-Elenuial:  Nice swords they gave us.

Scribonia:  Yes, I think even Highlander would envy these!

yaz:  What was that about not returning, Captain?

Kabeta:  I don't belong there anymore.  It was very strange.  Either they
don't think I existed, or deny that I did what I did, or they treat me
as a legendary figure who could do no wrong.  No one remembers me the way
I really was anymore.  

[She raises her glass.  maya notices the ring still on her finger.]

maya:  Captain, if you don't belong there...?

Kabeta:  (realizing that maya is referring to the ring) Just because they've
forgotten, though, doesn't mean I have to.

---------------
Date: Mon, 10 Dec 90 16:22:33 -0700
From: reidj@tramp (Crossfire)
Subject: ST:TCG  "R'lyeh"

[Interior, Bridge.  We see the entire bridge crew watching the viewscreen
 attentively.  The viewscreen shows the physical form of Nyarlathotep in an
 old-fashioned office, sitting at a desk.]
Nyarlathotep [ss]:  I suppose you've been wondering why I've called you here
     this evening.  Well, it seems that you've been overstepping your bounds,
     and...well...I'm afraid I've been thinking of letting you go.
     Oh, I know, I know.  You've been with the company for almost, what was it?
     Ten thousand years?  My how time flies.
     I remember the first day my associates and I hired you.  You came swinging
     down from the trees, fresh-faced and nervous, a bone clasped in your
     bristling fist.  "Where do I start, sir?" you asked.
     I recall my exact words.  "There's a pile of dinosaur eggs over there,
     young fellow.  Get sucking."
     It wasn't easy, you know.  Forcing a reticent race to evolve is not the
     easiest of tasks.  But we made the effort.  We wanted you to work.
     But if you recall, the reason we hired you was so that when we returned,
     we would have a nice place to stay, all clean and tidy, and staffed with
     willing servants.
     Now, when we finally do return, what do we find?  Disobedience and
     interference.  Your behavior as a working member of this company has not
     been acceptable.  Not in the least.  There is talk amongst my colleagues
     of discharging you here and now.
     But I am more reasonable.  I am willing to give you another chance.  I am
     going down to visit an old, old friend who has been sleeping for a long
     time.  I expect to receive every cooperation from you.  I expect, in
     short, for you to give us your all, because when my friend awakes, he will
     be...hungry.
     If you cooperate, we will be lenient.
     But if you are difficult, or if you interfere...
     You're fired.

[The viewscreen flickers, and then the picture fades away into static.  Then
 the screen blinks back and shows an exterior view of the Earth as the
 Croutonprize approaches orbit.]
Highlander:  Uh oh.

* * * * * * * * *

"R'Lyeh"

Guest stars Alan Rickman as the physical form of Nyarlathotep
	    Valentine Dyall as the voice of Nyarlathotep

Special guest stars Patrick Stewart as Admiral Jean-Luc Picard

Incidental Music by Alan Sylvestri

Directed by Rob Bowman


[Interior, bridge.  Red Alert has been called, and we can now see the black,
 shapeless form of Nyarlathotep, in orbit around Earth.]
Gretzky:  We are getting a reading of some sort, sir...but I'm not sure what
     to make of it.
Highlander:  Can you get a weapons lock?
Gretzky:  Yes sir.  Assuming that he can't be in two places at once.
[This comment, meant as a joke, falls flat on its face.]
Crouton:  I wonder how Soraya and Savan are doing... [taps com panel] Bridge
     to Lieutenant Commander Ghiasi.
Ghiasi [ic]:  Ghiasi here.  We were wondering when you'd call us.
Crouton:  Have you finished putting together that field projector yet?
Ghiasi [ic]:  Yup yup yup.  But of course, we don't know if it's gonna work.
Crouton:  Well, then, I suppose we'll just have to try it.
Highlander:  Sir.  Look at the screen.
[We see Nyarlathotep move down toward the Earth, quickly moving out of range.]
Crouton:  Number One, assemble an Away Team to accompany Savan and Soraya
     down.
Highlander:  Yes sir.  [he pauses]  Where are we going?
Crossfire:  Down to that city in the sea.  That's where Nyarlathotep is 
     going.
Crouton [looking at Crossfire closely]:  Yes.  That's what I think, too.
Crossfire:  Request permission to accompany the Away Team.
Jez: *Blurp* [*Ahem*]  [This is the feline equivalent of a gasp somewhere
     between clearing the throat and surprise.]
Crouton:  Number One?
Highlander [oblivious to the other's suspicions]:  I had you in mind.
[Highlander points to Gretzky, and together the three of them move toward the
 turbolift.  Jez intercepts them.]
Jez:  Mrow meow mew meow purrup.  [Request permission to accompany you, sir.]
Highlander:  You Jez?  Why?
Jez:  Meow mrow meow mrow mew...[glances at Crossfire, then away]..mew purrup.
     [I've got to keep an eye on...on Soraya, you know.]
Highlander: Okay.  Come on.
[Everyone piles into the turbolift, and Crossfire is staring at Jez, who is
 staring back.]

[Exterior, City of R'lyeh.  The city is made of black, lusterless stone that
 is still glistening with seawater.  The buildings are all old and decrepit,
 but still sturdy.  The geometry of the buildings are non-Euclidian, making
 a strange appearance; walls that logic says must be straight appear to be
 bent, spires that should come to a point seem to fold back within themselves,
 and doorways look like they are opening into only dark walls.  In the
 background, we can see a huge tomb structure, exactly like the others we have
 seen all along.  It is made of the same stone, and it's the only building with
 standard geometries in sight.  The doors are closed, and it has water dripping
 off of it.  It looks exactly like the other crypts we've seen so far, except
 for the fact that it's about twice the size of the others.
 The Away Team materializes, and a second later, some equipment croutonizes
 down.  Immediately, Soraya and Savan start to work putting together their 
 field projector, which looks like something from a Doctor Who episode:  all
 plastic and baubles.]
Highlander [looking at the field projector dubiously]:  Are you sure that's
     going to work?
Soraya [Giving him a sour look]:  Always the optimist, Highlander.
Highlander:  That's not an unreasonable question.
Crossfire:  It'd better be working soon.  Look.  [He points to the horizon.]
[We can see a black dot on the horizon, growing larger as we watch.]
Savan [snapping on a last piece]:  There.  Oh no...[she searches through her
     things.]
Highlander:  What?  WHAT?
Savan:  I forgot the batteries...[she can't keep a straight face for very long
  and soon smiles broadly at the nervous Highlander.]
Crossfire:  Excuse me, people, but... [He unshoulders his bow and nocks an
  arrow.]
[The black form of Nyarlathotep is now quite obvious.  It is very close now.
 Suddenly it winks out.  A cold wind gusts through the city.]
[Savan and Soraya pick up their field projector and move it to the doors of
 the crypt.  Crossfire and Highlander fall back, keeping close to the
 projector.  Jez keeps shadowing Crossfire.]
Soraya: Now I guess we wait.
Nyarlathotep [stepping from beind a nearby building]:  How nice of you to wait
     for me.  I hope I haven't kept you long.  It's so nice to see you making
     an effort to help out...
[Nyarlathotep is in his material form, wearing a dark blue business suit with
 a quiet maroon tie.  He is smiling.]
Crossfire:  We're not here to help you, you microcephallic apostate...
Nyarlathotep [Turning to face Crossfire and Jez]:  Ah.  The brave Crossfire.
     And Jez, my Wonder Kitty.  Want some pounce?  [He produces a can of Pounce
     from his pocket and shakes it.]
Jez:  HIIIIISSSSSSSS!
Nyarlathotep:  Oh, come now, Jez... [He takes a step toward Jez and Crossfire.
 Crossfire raises his bow and draws it back.  Jez hisses again.]
Soraya:  YOU LEAVE MY KITTY ALONE!!! [She reaches over and turns on the field
     projector.  It crackles to life, making a shimmering wall between them
     and Nyarlathotep.  He halts suddenly, angry.]
Nyarlathotep:  Turn that off.  Immediately.
Soraya:  No.
Nyarlathotep [looking at Crossfire]:  Turn it off.
Crossfire [his voice shaking]:  You heard the woman.  She said no.
Nyarlathotep [his voice soft]:  I said turn it off.
[Crossfire's drawing arm starts to shake.  There is clearly a battle of wills
 going on.  Jez moves closer to Crossfire, his phaser ready.]
Crossfire:  GET OUT OF MY MIND, YOU SHIT!!!  [He fires the arrow, which, of
     course, passes right through Nyarlathotep.]
Highlander [sotto vocce]:  Just once I'd like to meet an alien menace that
     can't do that.
Nyarlathotep [voice echoing and deep]:  Turn that off at once, ephemerals.
Jez:  Meow purrup HISSS!  [Go climb a gravity well!]
Nyarlathotep [regaining his composure and smiling again]:  Fine.  I suppose
     it was inevitable.  My colleagues were right.  We were foolish to have
     hired you in the first place.  I suppose I'll have to...let you go, now.
     [His smile broadens.]  You may be safe from me here, but the rest of your
     kind are not protected.  I hope you enjoy solitude.
Highlander [sotto vocce]:  Soraya...this isn't going good...
Savan [sv]:  Just wait a second.
[Nyarlathotep's physical form flickers, and then spreads out into his black,
 shapeless form.]
Soraya:  Savan...
[Savan fiddles rapidly with her tricorder, then makes an adjustment on the
 field projector.]
Savan:  NOW!!!
[Soraya throws a switch on the device, and a beam lances out, striking
 Nyarlathotep in the middle of his form.  Nyarlathotep screams.]
Nyarlathotep:  Stop now...before...I kill you all!
[Nyarlathotep's form begins to fade, loose coherence.]
Soraya: Cool.  It's working.
Crossfire:  Eat my shorts, dude!
Nyarlathotep [voice fading, as his form fades]:  kill you all...kill you all...
    kill you all...
[All at once, he vanishes, and the beam from the field projector simply passes
 into the air.]
Savan [switching off the projector]:  Most satisfactory.
Crossfire:  What was that?
Soraya:  We built a beam projector into the system too, so that we could use it
    as a weapon.
Crossfire:  Nice of you to tell me.
Soraya:  That's what you get for missing staff meetings.
[The city shakes under their feet, dropping perceptably.]
Jez:  YOWLP!
Highlander [tapping com pin]:  Croutonprize, croutonize us up immediately.
[The Away Team quickly dematerializes, as the first wave of seawater washes
 through the now deserted streets of R'lyeh.]

[Interior, Bridge.  The Away Team walks in from the turbolift.]
Crouton:  The Atlantis Colony reports that the city is sinking back beneath the
     Atlantic.  What happened down there?  Where's Nyarlathotep?
Highlander:  Well, we...that is, there was...Ah...Soraya?
Soraya:  We used the field projector as a weapon.  Once we knew the proper
     energy distribution to project across...
Savan:  And we couldn't find that until we got a closeup scan of Nyarlathotep
     in his energy form, rather than his physical form.
Soraya:  ...we simply projected a beam of energy waves at the proper
     distribution.  Rather like the phasers, but a little more refined.
Highlander:  Ahah.
Crouton:  Did it work?
Soraya:  Oh yeah.  Nyarlathotep's gone.
Crossfire:  He's not gone.
[Everybody turns to look at him; he's standing at the tactical position next to
 Gretzky.]
Savan:  He's got to be.  We hit his energy form with the equivalent of a phaser
     set on kill.
Soraya:  It caused a complete disruption of his energy patterns.  He's gone,
     Crossfire.
Crouton:  Well.  Lieutenant Chuang, set course for SpaceDock.  We're due for
     some maintenance...and a change of crew...
Highlander:  I take it Dr. Icefalcon hasn't found a way to help the people who
     were driven insane by Nyarlathotep?
[Crouton shakes his head.]
Chuang:  Course plotted and on the board, sir.
Crouton:  Engage, if you please.
Crossfire [softly; only Gretzky hears]:  He's not gone.

---------------
Date: Mon, 10 Dec 90 21:45:39 -0700
From: crawford@snoopy.Colorado.EDU (The Wizzar)
Subject: All New Episode by an all new author!

                             Dog Day Afternoon 
			     ----------------- 

Written and Produced by: Wizzar.

Technical Inspiration and Direction by: Admiral Avenger.

Music by: Henri Mancini.

Cameo appearance by: Floppy the beagle.

	* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 

Duty Engineers Log: Stardate 17251.4

	Lt. JG Wizzar reporting, croutonizer room. I am completing 
final tests of the enhancement to the USS _Croutonprize's_ croutonizers.
The enhancements will speed up the the croutontizers to 1.5 times
current rate of transfer. In addition there is an experimental install-
ment that is designed to make the person being croutonized feel less
dis-oriented after transfer, and also will help quaff the crunchy
bread cravings that are always a part of being croutonized. 
	The initial test runs have been performed under the guidance
of Chief Engineer Midzor, who has now gone off duty and left myself
to complete the final tests. Up to this point none of the test subjects
croutonized have actually been living- with one notable exception. The 
last object to be croutonized was (I would swear) a tilitane plant
from the planet Xorn. But when the plant emerged it was a rose bush
from the Terran planet Earth. Unfortunately, Chief Engineer Midzor
also outranks me, and she swears that it was in fact a rose bush
before the transfer. I have been ordered to continue testing based on
the fact that all previous tests have been successful (in her eyes)
and to croutonize a member of the crew into the croutonizer room.
Despite my protests that the rose bush was once a tilitane plant,
I have been ignored, And we all well know how difficult it is to
reason with Chief Engineer Midzor once she sets her mind to something.

	* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

USS _Croutonizer_ - Croutonizer room.

Lt. JG Wizzar: [Checking his electro-clip board] Hmm. Well I suppose we had
	better get on with this. I still think it was a tilitane plant
	though.
Lt. Taubman: *blinks* hmm? What's that? *YAWN*
Wizzar: [looking critically at Lt. Taubman] When is your shift over?
Taubman: hmm. Oh! Whoops! 15 minutes ago! 
Wizzar: [Clicks intercom] Bridge: This is Lt JG Wizzar in the Croutonizer
	room. Can you spare an officer to replace Lieutenant Taubman? His
	shift is over. I need someone to run controls on the croutonizer
	while I finish up these last tests.
Lt. Savan: [Over comlink] Right. I'll send Parker down. We have nothing
	to do right now anyway and she just came on shift.
Wizzar: [Clicks comlink] Thank you sir. I may have more requests shortly.
	[turns off com] [Fiddles with something on his electroclip board
	and stares hard at some instruments. Finishes staring at        
	instruments and stares confusedly at the rose plant for several
	seconds. Shrugs Helplessly] 

[Fwoooosh]
Lt. JG Parker enters.
[Fwoooosh]

Parker: Susan Parker reporting for duty. Oh my what a pretty rose plant!
Wizzar: [Flashes a deadly look towards Parker]
Parker: You requested my assistance?
Wizzar: [Sighs] Yes. I need you to work the croutonizer controls while
	I finish up these enhancement tests.
Parker: Okey dokey. [Moves to controls]
Wizzar: Umm... right. I guess nothing to do but move on then. [Clicks 
	comlink on] Bridge. Engineer Wizzar again. I need a test subject
	to beam into the croutontizer room. Just a routine test.
Commander Highlander: [over comlink] Right. Lemme check to see who is
	available. [Scans the bridge. Notices Jez draped over a rail
 	snoozing away happily.] I think Lt. Jez is available. Beam
	at your discretion.
Wizzar: [to comlink] Thanks. [clicks off comlink]
Parker: Computer, lock in croutonizer on Lt. Jez.
Computer: Controls locked.
Parker: Ready to croutonize, Wizzar.
Wizzar: One sec. I want to monitor the ESF readings as Jez appears. [moves
	to ESF readout and fixes his eyes to them] Ok Parker, Hit it.
Parker: Croutonizing.

(MRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMM-crunch)

Parker: Transfer complete. Wow. Pretty fast.
Wizzar: [still looking at ESF readings] Yeah. Everything looks ok. How do you
	feel Jez? 
Jez: Woof. (fine.)
Wizzar: Good. No cravings for little cubic pieces of stale bread, or any
	other disorientations?
Jez: Woof. Arf arf bark. (Nope. None at all)
Parker: [looks at Jez] Uh oh.
Wizzar: [looking up for the first time] Uh oh. [stares in disbelief]
	I think we found a bug.
Jez the Wonder Puppy: mwoof? (What?) [looks back at self]
Wizzar: [frantically checking controls] The readout was normal! I dont get
	it! Parker, you'd better have someone wake Midzor up, there is
	a small bug in her enhancement.
Jez: [realizing that he is no longer a member of the feline community]
	BARK! BARK BARK BARK! (Wizzar! You @#$%@$# Idiot!) [Runs
	across room and attacks Wizzar by biting his ankle and not
	releasing his grip]
Wizzar: *Vorpal Scream* GET SECURITY! QUICK! !$%@#$@
Parker: [slaps comlink] Security to the Croutonizer room. We have
	an intruder.
Wizzar: [in obvious pain] NO! It's Jez!
Parker: [slaps comlink] Security, never mind. It's only Jez.
Wizzar: ARGH! [drags himself and Jez to the nearest comlink] Security!
	Get to the Croutonizer Room! Phasers on stun. MOVE IT!

(Fwoosh)	
Lt. Cdr Gretzky enters with phaser drawn

Wizzar: Quick! The transporter transformed Jez! Stun him!
Gretzky: Well, if you say so. [Shoots the rose plant]
Wizzar: NO! LOOK AT MY DAMN ANKLE WILL YOU?!?!?!?
Gretzky: Hey, that looks like it hurts.
Wizzar: YES!!! SHOOT DAMN IT!
Gretzky: Oh I get it. *ZAPP* [Wizzar falls to the floor stunned]
Parker: I think he wanted you to shoot Jez.
Gretzky: What, that harmless looking beagle?
Parker: Harmless or not he's got a good chunk of Wizzar's leg in his 
	mouth right now.
Gretzky: [muttering] You sure that's Jez? Last time I remember Jez
	had shorter ears and didnt growl so much. 
Parker: [Grabs Phaser and Shoots Jez, who does not release his grip
	but lays down stunned]
Gretzky: Hey! Wha'd you do that for?
Parker: The growling was annoying me. 

       * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 

USS Croutonprize, Medical Recovery Room

Wizzar: [stirring slowly] Wha? OUCH! Hey! Watch where you are sticking
	that thing!
Lt Jen-L: Good to see you are awake. I imagine your leg will be a 
	little tender. We had to remove a beagle from it. You are
	lucky you didn't turn Jez into a Pit-Bull.
Wizzar: Hey how did I get here? 
Lt Jen-L: Oh that. I think Gretzky dragged you in. 
Wizzar: [Begins to remeber] The croutonizer! Quick get Lt. Cdr Midzor
	up! We have to repair the transporter before anyone else 
	uses it! [tries to stand but finds he is strapped to the
	table] Hey what's the big idea?!?!?
Jen-L: Lt Cdr Midzor is awake and working on it. She will probably
	want to talk to you. I know she is wondering what a rose
	plant is doing in the croutonizer room.
       
(Fwooooosh)
Captain Crouton enters
(Fwooooosh)

Crouton: How are things looking Jen-L?
Jen-L: Ask Wizzar. It's his leg Jez had the lip lock on.
Crouton: Wizzar?
Wizzar: Oh no sir. The Whizzer is fine. He missed that by a few feet.
	The ankle sure smarts though.
Crouton: um..... right. Do you have any idea what happened?
Wizzar: Well there appears to be some sort of bug in the croutonizer
	enhancements, sir.
Crouton: Actually I had that mostly figured out. Do you have any idea
	how to fix it? Or how we can turn Jez the Wonder Beagle back
	to normal?
Wizzar: I assume no one has tampered with the croutonizer since Jez
	appeared. It should be as easy as beaming Jez from the
	Croutonizer room back to the bridge, since that information
	will still be in the computer.
  
(Fwoooosh)
Ships Philosopher Runaway Daemon enters.
(Fwoooosh)

Crouton: Ah Daemon. Your opinion on what happened?
Daemon: Well, sir, it is my understanding that Jez was sleeping
	just before the croutonizer was activated is that correct?
Wizzar: I believe he was awake at the time of the beam in, but he was
	sleeping just before.
Daemon: Ah. Then I have a theory.

(silence)

Crouton: [growing impatient] You care to enlighten us, Daemon?
Daemon: Oh you mean you want to hear it then?
Crouton: YES!!!
Daemon: Ah. Ok. Jez was quite possibly dreaming about Beagles just
	before he was awaken. The transporter possibly somehow 
	figured this out and during the transfer and for some reason
	or another turned Jez into a beagle.
Crouton: Hmmm. How do you explain Wizzar's report of the tilitane plant
	becoming a rose then? 
Daemon: That is similar. The conciousness of the tilitane plant was
	obviously secretly hoping that it was a rose plant. When the
	transfer took place it actually became a rose. Possibly.     
Wizzar: An interesting theory. I wonder how the enhancement was able to
	read the conciousness of Jez and the tilitane plant.
Daemon: There is one other possibility, and that is I am completely wrong. 
	Now if you will excuse me I want to see if this has any significance
	or possible connection to the number 42, a whale, and a bowl
	of petunias. [leaves]
Crouton: Wizzar, I want you to figure out how to get Jez back to normal.
	Midzor is already working on it, and I want you to get in there
	as soon as possible and help her out. Lt. Jen-L, give Wizzar
	something to get him out of here.     
Wizzar: Yes sir [winces as hypo is applied]


	* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

USS Croutonprize, Croutonizer Rom


Lt. JG Wizzar enters

Midzor: Bout time Wizzar! What did you do with my enhancements? Just
	look at poor Lt. Jez there!
Jez: Woof! (yeah!)
Wizzar: Terribly sorry Lieutenant Commander, I was rather busy having
	the Lieutenant removed from my ankle. Have you made any 
	progress?
Midzor: Well, I believe that if we merely put our friend the beagle
	onto the croutonizer pad and beam him back to the same
	spot on the bridge, he will resume his original form, assuming
	that the computer still has all the information stored in memory.
Wizzar: Yes I agree, but how did you come up with the idea?
Midzor: I overheard you tell it to the Captain.
Wizzar: Oh.    
Midzor: Anyway, I have checked and doublechecked everything and it looks
	ok to try the reversal. Wizzar you will perform the transfer.
Wizzar: [hobbles to control center] All set.
Midzor: Ok, puppy, Uh I mean Lt. Jez, go stand on the platform. Or sit,
	or whatever it is you dogs do. I mean cats!
Jez: GRRRR!!! [jumps onto croutonizer pad]
Midzor: Ok. ok. Everybody in place? We all set? BEGIN! [Closes eyes,
	spreads arms, and looks skyward in goddess like fashion]

(nothing)

Wizzar: Ummm... You mean begin the transfer Lieutenant Commander?
Midzor: [looking disappointed] Yes of course Wizzar, what did you think
	I meant?
Wizzar: Well normally the order is not BEGIN while spreading our arms
	and closing our eyes. I usually say- Croutonize!
Midzor: [With an annoyed look towards Wizzar] Oh fine then. Croutonize
	already!!!
Wizzar: Croutonizing.

(MMREEEEEEEAAAAAAAAA-crunch-crunch-crunch-fwoop-fwoop-fwoop)

(Jez the Wonder Puppy has not moved)

Midzor: WHAT HAPPENED? WHY IS THAT DOG STILL HERE???? Ooops. Sorry
	Lt. Jez.
Wizzar: Checking. Computer- Reason for failed transfer on my viewscreen
	now.
Computer: Accessing....... done.
Wizzar: It would appear that Jez is not identical now to the Jez that
	beamed in. There are some slight differences that the computer
	cannot compensate for.
Midzor: What differences???
Wizzar: Checking. Ah. I see the problem. There are still pieces of my
	ankle in that beagle's teeth. 
Jez: MWoof! Bark woof arf! (You mean I am stuck like this???)
Wizzar: No, it means we have to clean your teeth.
     
(Death march is played briefly)

Jez: [faints]
Wizzar: [pushing comlink] Medical, this is Lt JG Wizzar in the
	Croutonizer room. I need a medical staff person down here
	armed with the latest in cleen teeth technology.
Lt. Jen-L: [ic] Dirty work huh? In that case I'll send Ensign Heidrich
	my Medical Officer, who moments ago was put in charge of all
	dentistry work.
Ensign Heidrich: [Over the intercom in the background] Gee thanks boss.
	[sarcasm]
Wizzar: [pushing comlink] Have him hurry, the patient fainted only
	recently and it is much easier to clean the teeth of a dog
	when he is not aware you are doing it. If Jez wakes up it
	could get scary. [Switches off Comlink]

(Brief Pause)
(Fwooosh)
Ensign Heidrich, Medical Officer, enters bearing toothbrush.
(Fwooosh)

Heidrich: Did I hear everything correctly? You want me to brush
	the teeth on that dog?!?!? 
Midzor: Yes! And hurry! I'm having my hair done in 15 minutes!
Wizzar: Make sure you get them white and sparkly too. And don't
	leave any toothpaste residue and makes sure he doesnt 
	swallow any water or we may not be able to re-feline him.
Heidrich: [Grumble Grumble] [Bends down to brush teeth on Jez]	
Wizzar: If he wakes up, watch your ankles.
Heidrich: [frowning] Right, sir. [Proceeds to brush teeth on Jez]
       
(Time passes. Soon Jez the Wonder Puppy has shiny, sparkling teeth.)

Heidrich: All done. 
Midzor: Good. Nice job, you are dismissed.
Heidrich: *Does the hitler salute to Midzor* [leaves]
Wizzar: Ok, so are we set to try again then?
Midzor: Ok. PLACES EVERYONE!! [Shakes Jez] Wake up! We are going to
	try again.
Jez: [groggy] Whoof? (huh?)
Midzor: Ok, he's awake. Croutonize!
Wizzar: Croutonizing
 
(MRREEEEEEAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM-crunch)

Wizzar: Completed. Transfer appears to have been successful.
Midzor: [pushing comlink] Yo bridge! Is there a cat up there?
Captain Crouton: [ic] Yes Lieutenant Commander, Jez is here. Good
	to see you figured out the problem. You scared the hell
	out of Soraya though, Jez materialized in her lap. Next time
	let us know when you plan on croutonizing someone onto
	the bridge ok? We may have trouble getting Soraya out of
	the ceiling.
Midzor: Roger, Crouton. Midzor out.[flips off comlink] See Wizzar?
	The enhancement worked. Log is in as being officially
	tested and approved. Now if you'll excuse me I have a
	hair appointment. [Struts out]
Wizzar: Computer, erase all recent enhancements to the croutonizers.
	One other thing, if Missy ever asks- The enhancements have
	been installed and are fully functional. Recommend that they
	not be tampered with further.
Computer: Understood. Log has been entered. Enhancement program
	has been erased.
Wizzar: Thank God. [Limps off to sick bay]