STAR TREK: THE CROUTON GENERATION
			   SEASON TWO
			Episodes #64 - 66

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Mon, 10 Dec 90 23:32:38 -0700
From: zecca@tramp (Admiral Avenger)
Subject: ST:TCG2 "Canon Fodder"

  This episode is dedicated to Peter A. David, former writer of the
     DC _Star Trek_ comic and several ST:TNG novels, a victim of
                 Richard Arnold's latest legal fling.

----------------------------------------------------------------------  
"Captain's Log, Stardate 101712.5:
     While the _Croutonprize_ continues to undergo repairs at Spacedock,
my new yeoman and I have been catching up on three months of paperwork.
I have received word from Admiral Picard that Lt. Savan's request for
transfer has been approved.  We will be sad to see her depart, but I am
sure she will enjoy her new position as Chief Engineer of the _Melbourne_."

Crouton shuts off the log computer and looks to Ensign Matt Kinzie, his
new Yeoman.  Kinzie finishes some computing on his PADD, then hands it
across the desk to Crouton.

Kinzie:  If you can sign there, sir, and at the bottom of each of the
  other pages you come to.
Crouton (signing):  You don't know how much I appreciate your good work,
  Ensign.  I never did like paperwork...and you have done such wonderful
  things with the ship's budget reports.
Kinzie:  Somebody has to do it, sir.
Crouton (signing more, smiling):  Well, you're doing a very good job.
  Keep it up.  Gives me more time to run things around here.
Kinzie:  Yes, sir.

The door chimes.

Crouton:  Come in.

Lt. Cdr. Ghiasi enters the room and waits near the door.

Ghiasi:  The supply ship _Sushi Maru_ just signalled, sir.  They are loaded
  and ready to leave for the LMC.
Crouton:  Thank you, Commander.  Please tell Ms. Savan to meet me in
  Croutonizer Room 3 in 5 minutes.
Ghiasi:  All right.  (pause)  Captain, I was wondering...
Crouton:  Yes, Commander?
Ghiasi:  If Rhee is leaving, who will serve as the Chief Science Officer now?
Crouton:  We'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
Ghiasi/Kinzie:  
Crouton (complete lack of understanding):  What did I say?
			* * * * *
Somewhere in deep space, a disembodied voice groans...

Creator:  "No!  It is mine!  They are ruining it all!  This must not be
  allowed to continue."
			* * * * *

		"Canon Fodder"

Guest stars
	Richard Arnold as The Lawyer
	Michael Rawdon as The Prosecutor
	Majel Barrett
	Michael Palin as the Grand Inquisitor

Special guest stars
	Peter A David as himself
	Brent Spiner as Vice Admiral Data
	Gene Roddenberry as The Judge

Directed by Patrick McGoohan

Music by Basil Poledouris

			* * * * *
Crouton enters Croutonizer Room 3.  Lt. Savan is already there with all of
her belongings.  She is saying some last good-byes to some of the crew,
who pass Crouton on their way out.

Crouton:  Lieutenant.
Savan:  Captain.
Crouton:  You have served well under my command and I am sorry to see you
  go.  I hope you enjoy your new assignment.
Savan:  Well, I hate to go, sir, but the opportunities on the _Melbourne_
  are something I just can't pass up. (grins slyly)
Crouton:  There is one final thing I must do as your captain.
Savan (raises an eyebrow):  Oh really?
Crouton:  Step closer.

Taubman giggles behind the Croutonizer console and tries to make himself
inconspicuous.  Crouton's hand reaches up toward her chin...to the right
side (her perspective) of her uniform collar.  He removes the Lt. rank pin
and replaces it with that of a Lt. Cdr.  He then steps back and points his
hand toward the Croutonizer.

Crouton:  Lieutenant Commander Savan, your new position awaits...
Savan:  Thank you, sir.  (She gives him an impromptu hug, then hops up
  to the Croutonizer, where her belongings already await her.)
Crouton:  Mr. Taubman, Croutonize...

As the machine hums and warms up, she speaks...

Savan:  Tell the crew that I really enjoyed the going away party...
			* * * * *
[Two weeks later...]

Savan appears in the Croutonizer room on the _USS Melbourne_.  A man in
a red uniform approaches and extends his hand.

Carter:  Commander Bill Carter, First Officer.  Welcome aboard.
Savan (stepping down):  Thank you, Bill.  Call me Rhee.
Carter:  All right, Rhee.  The Captain wants to see your right away.
  I'll have someone get your things.
			* * * * *
In the turbolift, Savan feels the telltale rhythms of a starship accelerating
to warp speeds.  She smiles.

Carter:  Something amusing?
Savan (concentration broken):  What?  Oh, no...I'm just a bit...overwhelmed
  with this new position.

She fingers the Lt. Cdr. rank pin at her collar.

Savan:  I'm *still* not used to *this* either.

The turbolift doors open onto the bridge of the _USS Melbourne_.  While it
is not quite as large a bridge, nor as plush, as that on the _Croutonprize_,
it is still very modern in style.

Carter:  Captain Muirden, this is--

Muirden jumps up from the command chair and hops up the ramp.

Muirden (extending a hand):  Lt. Commander Rhee Savan, our new Chief
  Engineer.  It is such a pleasure to see you again.  (Flirt flirt)
Savan (shaking his hand):  Likewise, Captain.  (Flirt flirt)
			* * * * *
Highlander:  Lt. Parker, can I see you for a minute in the Conference Room?
Parker:  Oooo, sounds fun.  (Flirt flirt)

Parker shuts down Science Station 3 and follows Highlander off the bridge.

Highlander:  The captain's busy, so he asked me to take care of this.
Parker:  Oooo, this is sounding really interesting.  (Flirt flirt)
Highlander:  You're not a blonde, my dear, so you're wasting your time.

Susan pouts.

Highlander:  We know you're new around here and still a little green...
Parker:  Well, what do you expect with the kind of food they serve down in--
Highlander:  Do you think you can handle becoming our new Chief Science
  Officer?  Lt. Cdr. Ghiasi *will* be around for assistance if you should
  need help adjusting to the position.
Parker:  Chief--?  Me?  Okay...sure!

Highlander removes the Lt. JG pin from her collar and replaces it with
a full Lieutenant pin.

Highlander:  Congratulations, Lt. Parker.  As your first duty...
			* * * * *
Deep space again.  The _Melbourne_ warps past and we follow behind it
at warp speed.

Creator:  No!  No!  They must stop!  They must not be allowed to continue!
			* * * * *
On the bridge of the _Melbourne_, Muirden sits tensed in his chair.  Savan
is seated next to him in the First Officer's chair while Cdr. Carter paces
the back of the bridge.

Savan:  So where are we headed in such a hurry?
Muirden:  We've received a distress call from a planet in--

The ship suddenly lurches to one side, causing most of the crew to grab
tight hold of their chairs, while Carter flies over the tactical console
and lands on the ramp next to Savan.

Carter:  

As they feel the ship being forceably halted around them, a man appears at
the front of the bridge, standing just in front of the viewscreen.

The Lawyer:  You have been charged with crimes against the Laws of the
  Creator.  You will cease and desist all unlicensed activity or we will
  sue your asses off.
Muirden:  Hold on, mate.  Just what do you think you're--
The Lawyer:  Resistance is non-canonical.  You will cease and desist all
  unlicensed activity or we will take you for all you're worth.
			* * * * *
We switch to a courtroom, one that appears to be consist of chairs, tables,
benches, and even a flag, which just happen to be floating in space without
a floor to support them.

At the prosecutor's table, another normal-looking man has joined "The
Lawyer."  Savan looks around the "room" and notices Admiral Avenger,
the Fizzix Dude, Captain Crouton, and Lt. Cdr. Crossfire sitting at the
defense table.  Some members of various ship crews are seated around her,
as well as Hidden Valley Ranch Q. Kumbir, the insidious Professor Love,
the Riddler, Vice Admiral Data, and several former crew members that haven't
been seen in months.  Apparently the owners of this court get around...

A being dressed in judge's robes and a powdered wig appears at the bench
and begins to bang his gavel.

Judge:  I will have order in this court!  Canonical continuity!
Prosecutor:  The defendants are hereby charged with violating the sacred
  laws of the Creator, the most important of which is that all _Star Trek_-
  related material must be licensed by Paramount, approved by the Creator
  himself, and most of all MUST BE CANONICAL.
Avenger:  Objection.  _Star Trek_ is filled with unlicensed material
  and non-canonical continuity.  I mean, explain Richard Arnold here.
Lawyer:  Objection, your Honor.  My real name is not canonical _Star Trek_!
Judge:  How can you be objecting to his objection?  Both overruled.  I
  say _Star Trek_ is canonical, so it is.  Pptthhpphhttt.

Avenger leans over to confer with Crossfire.  Savan fidgets nervously.

Prosecutor:  Prosecution calls the first witness, Professor William Love.
  Prof. Love, will you tell the jury about the defendants.

It is at this point that Savan notices the jury:  Senator Jesse Helms,
  Joseph Stalin, Nikita Khruschev, the Ayatollah Khomeni, Senator Joseph
  McCarthy, Alfred Rosenberg, Adolf Hitler, Roseanne Barr, George Steinbrenner,
  George Orwell, Rod Serling, and a Grand Inquisitor of the Spanish
  Inquisition.

Savan (muttering, to Muirden):  I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition.
Inquisitor (standing, yelling out in Savan's direction):  Nobody expects
  the Spanish Inquisition!
Judge:  Sit down, jury member!  That is not canonical!
Prof. Love:  Well, as I was saying BEFORE I WAS SO RUDELY INTERRUPTED, these
  two (points to Avenger and Crossfire and wrinkles his nose in disgust)
  spent all their time talking about _Star Trek_ instead of kissing up to
  me for their lab grade.  Not only that, but when they actually did want to
  work, they would ask me questions so I couldn't go on my coffee break!
  I don't know WHY Brian put up with them.
Prosecutor:  Thank you, Professor.  Next witness.
Avenger:  Objection!  Defense has not been given a chance to cross-examine.
Lawyer:  What did you think this was?  A *fair* trial?
Prosecutor:  Vice Admiral Data...you were a character in _Star Trek:
  The Next Generation_, were you not?
Data:  I was a character in that series.  Yes, sir.
Prosecutor:  Yet you now appear in this unlicensed form of _Star Trek_
  and carry a non-canonical rank.  Don't you see a problem here?
Data:  No, sir.  "The Next Generation" took place over 50 years ago.
Prosecutor:  But did you not think that Mr. Roddenberry would like to have
  control of any subsequent generations?  Did you not think that your
  appearance in this NON-CANONICAL version of _Star Trek_ was not in the
  best interests of Mr. Roddenberry?  Witness dismissed.
			* * * * *
On the bridge of the _Melbourne_, Bill Carter gets up slowly from the floor.
Captain Muirden and Lt. Cdr. Savan have disappeared.  The rest of the bridge
crew appear frozen in time.

Carter:  What the hell?  Casanova, where is Captain Muirden?

The computer does not respond.  Carter walks up to the science stations.
Lt. Fox is frozen in the middle of a sensor scan.

Carter:  What is going *on* here?

  The Kunz appears behind Bill's right shoulder.

The Kunz:  We are in trouble, Bill.  The very nature of our Universe is
  at stake, resting on the outcome of a rigged trial.
Carter:  What can we do?
The Kunz:  Perhaps I can unrig the trial somehow.  This won't be easy...
			* * * * *
Crossfire:  The fight does not go well.
Avenger:  I didn't really expect it to.  With Arnold on their side, this
  trial couldn't be any more rigged than it is.  And Mr. Rawdon has always
  been a formidable presence...
Crouton:  Do you think they're going to let us call any witnesses?
Fizzix Dude:  Perhaps...if only for show...  I have been trying to contact
  the Continuum for assistance, but I'm being blocked.  The Judge is a
  formidable presence, to say the least.
Crossfire:  He looks familiar...if I could just see past the wig...
Judge:  Prosecution has finished its case.  Defense may call witnesses after
  a 15 minute recess. (bangs gavel)

The jury jump up and run "outside" to an adult-size child's playground.
Hitler and Hussein fight over a swing, while Khomeni, Khruschev, and
Stalin take turns on the slide.  Serling stands off to one side, calmly
smoking a cigarette, while Orwell looks around in paranoid nervousness.
			* * * * *
Recess is over.  People begin filing back into the courtroom.

Judge:  You may call your first witness, defense.
Admiral:  We call Peter A. David.
Lawyer:  Objection!  Being fictional characters, they should not be
  allowed to call on real people.
Judge:  Richard, calm down.  They do have a right to call him, even if
  his idea of _Star Trek_ is a false one.
Crossfire:  Objection.  The Judge's opinions are clouding the issue here.
Judge:  Overruled.  It's my court.  I'll do as I wish.  Pphhthhht.
Avenger:  Mr. David.  Peter.  Would you tell us exactly what happened
  to make you leave your job as the writer of the _Star Trek_ comic.
David:  I'm not really sure that I should.
Avenger:  Are you afraid of some form of additional retribution?  Please,
  be honest.  (trying to give some hints with eye contact)  A lot is
  at stake here.
David:  Well...
			* * * * *
Carter:  What are you going to do?
The Kunz:  I don't know.  I've been unable to get into the courtroom
  so far.  Perhaps with your help...
Carter:  Sure.  Whatever I can do...
			* * * * *
David:  And that about sums it up.  Richard Arnold has had it in for me,
  or anyone that tries to use some original thinking in writing for _Star
  Trek_, ever since the beginning.
Lawyer:  Objection!  Personal attacks are--
Crossfire:  Oh DO shut up, Mr. Arnold, or I will most assuredly slit
  your throat.
Judge (banging gavel):  Order!  Now where do you get off making those
  kinds of accusations, Mr. David?
Avenger:  I have here (pulls out a sheet of paper) an affidavit from
  Bob Greenberger, the editor of _Star Trek_, explaining the situation
  exactly as he saw it.  It supports Mr. David's claims.
Judge:  Let me see that.

Avenger takes the affidavit up to the judge, who puts on his glasses
and begins reading it.  After reading about halfway down, he looks up
at the Laywer.

Judge:  Is this true?
Lawyer:  I was only doing what you told me to.
Judge (disgruntled):  Hmmph.  Thank you, defense.  You may continue.
Avenger:  Peter, what kind of retributions were you worried about?
David: I was, and still AM, quite worried that Mr. Arnold will use this
  new information against Bob Greenberger and DC, thus embroiling my
  former employers in a bitter and costly lawsuit that they do not need.
Avenger:  Much like we are being embroiled in a court battle right now?
David:  Why, yes.
Avenger:  Thank you, Peter.  You have been very helpful.  I'm sorry you
  had to go through all this.  You've done a good job.

Peter David stands up, shakes the Admiral's hand, and returns to his seat.

Avenger:  I call Majel Barrett Roddenberry.
Judge:  Objection!
Fizzix Dude:  How can you object?  You're the judge!
Judge:  Oh yeah.  Well, all right.  But it won't help you any.
			* * * * *
The Kunz:  You've just about got it...increase the neutron flux a little...
Carter:  Is that safe?
The Kunz:  Not usually, but it's our only chance.

Bill cranks up the neutron flux.  Suddenly the machinery explodes in a
flash, throwing him to the floor and blinding him temporarily.  When
he gets back up, the machinery is a pile of spare parts, and the Kunz
is nowhere to be found.

Carter:  I sure hope he got through.
			* * * * *
Avenger:  Ms. Barrett, you appeared in the original _Star Trek_ series as
  both Nurse Chapel and the _Enterprise_ computer, correct?
Barrett:  I also appeared as the first officer in the original pilot, but
  otherwise you are correct.
Avenger:  All right.  And similarly, you appeared as the _Enterprise_
  computer and as Lwaxana Troi in _Star Trek: The Next Generation_, correct?
Barrett:  That is correct.
Avenger:  So, if you please, Ms. Barrett, tell the court of your role in
  the animated _Star Trek_ series.
Lawyer:  Objection!  The animated series is NOT canonical!
Avenger:  Please answer the question, Ms. Barrett.
Barrett:  I played nearly every female character in that show, as well as
  returning as Nurse Chapel and the voice of the computer.  I also had the
  regular role of Lt. M'Ress, the Caitian communications officer.
Laywer:  NON-CANONICAL!  NON-CANONICAL!
Judge:  Yes yes yes yes yes.  Your points are irrelevant, defense.  You
  may step down, Majel.
Avenger (returning to his seat):  Harumph.
Prosecutor:  I hate to inform you, Admiral, but your case is weak at best.
Avenger (clears his throat, stands back up):  Mr. Roddenberry...

A surprised gasp erupts from nearly everyone in the courtroom as they
realize that Avenger is addressing the Judge by his real name...

Avenger:  You created _Star Trek_.  It was your brain child.  It made
  television viewers think, and feel, and consider important issues.
  It used humor, sadness, and a lot of other emotions.  And most of all,
  the thing that _Star Trek_ has done over the years is GROW.  It has
  grown far beyond your original vision, far beyond anything anyone
  could have imagined.  It is entrenched as a part of human culture.
Judge:  Well, yes...
Avenger:  So why, now, do you allow Mr. Arnold to restrict it so?  You
  have put him in charge of "continuity."  What sense of continuity has
  he allowed?  In "The Next Generation," they're barely allowed to
  acknowledge the existence of the original _Star Trek_, history conflicts
  with already established _Star Trek_...  Hell, you yourself don't even
  want to admit the animated series exists, yet it had so many good,
  and CANONICAL, stories!
Judge:  It is my right.  It is my show.  I can control it as I please.
Avenger:  But you don't understand.  _Star Trek_ has grown beyond you.
  It has touched the hearts of so many people, and many of them have
  been responsible for the continued shaping and growth of the phenomenon.
  You certainly can't ignore them.  If you ignore the people that really
  made _Star Trek_ work over the years, the fans, you will ruin the whole
  idea and lose everything you ever worked for.
Judge:  Irrelevant.  Besides, I'm not on trial here.  You are.  You--

< FWOOOOSSHHHH!! >

The Kunz:  Hello, Mr. Roddenberry.  (turns and stares, disappointedly
  at the Lawyer)  You have been a very VERY bad boy, Richard.
Judge:  Who are you and what do you mean about Richard?
The Kunz (turning to the judge and bowing):  Forgive me, sir.  I am
  Peter Dale Kunz of the Kunz Continuum.  (turns back to stare at the
  Lawyer)  And as far as Mr. Arnold goes...he is an outcast of the Q
  Continuum who has caused my own Continuum a great deal of trouble
  in the past.
Lawyer:  Objection!  There is no such thing as a Q or a Kunz Continuum --
  you know that as well as I do, Gene.
Judge (apparently mesmerized):  Yes, Richard.  Of course.

The Kunz turns to the defense table.

The Kunz:  This is going to require a bit more than usual.  Stand back.

The Kunz winds up as if he were Roger Clemens, then leans forward and
releases a strong snap of the fingers.

< FWOOOOSSHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! >  A blinding flash of light.  The
Lawyer's clothes change to the gawdy robes of a Mandarin 22nd century judge.
(The outfit that John de Lancie's Q wore in much of "Encounter at Farpoint.")

Lawyer:  You won't get away with this, you know.  He is in my power.
The Kunz:  Much like the Puppetman you told me about, Crossfire, "the
  Lawyer" here has been mind controlling Gene Roddenberry for some time
  now.  I do believe it is time to cut the strings.

The Kunz winds up again, when the Laywer suddenly snaps his own fingers.
The Kunz doubles over, but after a moment continues another wind-up.  As
the two omnipotent beings wage a war of sheer power, everyone in the court
room clears the way.  Avenger rushes up to the bench.

Avenger:  Do you see what has been happening?  He has been hiding the
  truth from you, much as Sarek's aides did in the third season ST:TNG
  episode "Sarek."
Judge:  No.  He couldn't have been...
Avenger:  Face the truth, sir.  He has been lying to you in order to
  increase his own power over your own creation.
Judge:  I...I...I...

Suddenly, the Lawyer's hold on Roddenberry is broken.  He stands up, pulls
off the powdered wig, and robes.  And points his left hand at the Lawyer.
The Lawyer and the Kunz are still locked in combat until he speaks...

Roddenberry:  ENOUGH!  I am no longer your puppet.  We are going to make
  _Star Trek_ back into what it was in the beginning, but we will do it
  MY way.

A lighting bolt flies from Roddenberry's fingertip and the Lawyer vaporizes
instantly before the stunned courtroom.

Roddenberry:  He's all yours now, Mr. Serling.

Rod Serling steps out of the jury box and removes the cigarette from his
mouth, holding it gently between the first two fingers of his right hand.

Serling:  Thank you, sir.  (turns to audience)  Imagine if you will, a
  movie publicist that overstepped his bounds, turning the fans against
  him and sending him into an abyss that can only be described as...
  the Twilight Zone...
Prosecutor (approaching Roddenberry):  The court wishes to drop charges
  against the defendants, if it so pleases you.  While I do not agree
  much with what their idea of _Star Trek_ is, I am glad that they at
  least stand up for the personal freedoms that are theirs.
Roddenberry:  Agreed, Mr. Rawdon.  Thank you.  As for the defendants...

Avenger, Crossfire, Fizzix Dude, and Crouton step forward.

Roddenberry:  As the three lead writers of the series, and the main
  character, you represent your generation of _Star Trek_.  While, like
  Mr. Rawdon, I do not agree with many of the twists you have made on
  my idea, you have convinced me that some of these changes really are
  for the good of the future of _Star Trek_.  Of that, I am pleased.  You
  represent the kind of fan involvement that can be beneficial.
The four:  Thank you, sir.
Roddenberry:  And, considering the fact that you do this completely for
  fun and NOT to make a buck off my idea, I will not take any action against
  you.  Just keep it clean and non-profit.
Avenger:  Yes, sir.  Thank you, sir.
Roddenberry:  Otherwise, we will meet again...  And I might not be so
  patient as Mr. Arnold has been.  You will return to your appropriate
  places and times.

Roddenberry waves his hand and the room fades away.
			* * * * *
A space shot of the _Melbourne_ as it slides past at sublight speeds:

"Captain's Log, Stardate 101735.6:
     The Universe has been saved and we have returned to our mission:
to explore the Large Magellanic Cloud, to seek out new life forms and
new civilizations, to boldly go where no one has gone before..."

Muirden:  Well, Engineer Savan, a pretty busy first day, wouldn't you say?
Savan:  Aye, sir.  That it was.  (flirt flirt)
Muirden:  You wouldn't want to join me in Ten Forward, would you?  (flirt)
Savan (smiling):  Sure.

Muirden and Savan leave the bridge.  Bill is left with a still-messy
bridge (from that parts explosion) and decides just to walk around the
bridge a moment to avoid dealing with it.  He notices a new gold plaque
on the wall, below the usual _Melbourne_ dedication.

Carter (reading it):  "Created by Gene Roddenberry"

We cut to an exterior shot of the _Melbourne_ as it jumps into warp,
accompanied by _Star Trek_ theme music.

----------------
Date: Wed, 12 Dec 90 21:13:51 -0700
From: zecca@tramp (Admiral Avenger)
Subject: ST:TCG "Particularly K.T."

Hey, Larry!  This one's for you!

For those of you that don't know Bruce Biggs, let us say that he is an
interesting character, to say the least.  Of more importance to my
enjoyment of Atomic and Nuclear Physics and the meaning of this episode,
Bruce was at one time a fizzix major here at CU, "bailing out" after the
junior year and graduating with a double major in math and religious studies.
While a junior, he had Prof. K.T. Mahanthappa for Analytical and Quantum
Mechanics, and began the trend of recording the number of times K.T. uses
the word "particular" in a lecture.  I have been continuing that trend this
year, including laserprinted graphs and even a quick presentation on it
last Thursday in the Senior Lab.

------------------------------------------------------------
Captain "Boom-Boom" Loesch is sitting in the captain's chair with his head
held between his hands.  He moans in agony, then speaks.

"Captain's Personal Log, Stardate 101834.2:
     I've got the hangover to end all hangovers and I can't find Dr. Voyant
anywhere.  Actually, most of the crew have disappeared.  The only people
I seem to be able to find are Counselor Bruce and Lt. Flynn.  I wonder
what is going on..."

Bruce:  Maybe we should check in with Starbase LMC.
Boom-Boom:  Oh yeah.  Sounds like an idea.  See if you can get them on
  subspace.

Counselor Bruce punches buttons and suddenly a young Ensign at the
Starbase appears on the viewscreen.

Bruce:  Wow, that was quick.
Fresh (ss):  Yo, this is Starbase LMC.
Boom-Boom:  Yeah, this is Captain "Boom-Boom" on the _Comatose_.  You
  wouldn't happen to know where the f*** my crew went, would you?
Fresh (ss):  What've you been drinking, Cap'n?  I mean look, home, most
  of your crew has been here on the Starbase all day...and frankly, they're
  starting to get on my nerves.
Boom-Boom:  How did they get on the Starbase?
Fresh (ss):  Oh, like *you* don't know.  They walked through the docking
  ports.  Duuuuuh.
Boom-Boom:  But how could they do that unless we were docked to the
  Starbase?
Fresh (ss):  Bingo.  Now unless you've got something more important to
  ask me, I'm gettin' back to my nap.  (closes connection)
Boom-Boom:  Oh.  Well, maybe I'd better go see the Admiral.
			* * * * *

		"Particularly K.T."

Introducing
	Bruce Biggs

Guest stars
	Wil Smith as Ensign Fresh
	K.T. Mahanthappa as K.T.

Directed by Cliff Bole

Music by Skinny Puppy

			* * * * *
Bradford:  Actually, Captain, the Admiral's quite busy at the moment.
  Can I help you?
Boom-Boom:  Well, I was wondering how I got to Starbase and where all my
  crew went.
Bradford:  Many of them have requested transfers back to the Milky Way.
  They're finding that can't get enough work done on your ship.
Boom-Boom:  Well, what the f*** does that leave me with?
Bradford:  New crewmembers will be transferring in slowly over the next
  few months.  We even have a new first officer ready for you.
Boom-Boom:  D'Arc Tangent left?
Bradford:  Several weeks ago, or hadn't you noticed?
Boom-Boom:  Must've been comatose.  Why is everyone transferring off MY ship?
Bradford:  I don't know, maybe they don't like you?  (pause)  Just kidding.
  Actually, there have been a lot of transfers lately.  In fact, Savan just
  moved from the _Croutonprize_ to the _Melbourne_, Lt. Daemon of the
  _Croutonprize_ has been transferred to the _Chivalier_ as their new
  computer officer,...
Boom-Boom:  Oh.  Still, it seems a bit unfair.
Bradford:  Well, your new first officer will beam over with your new orders
  in a few hours.  Until then, I suggest you see one of our doctors.
Boom-Boom:  Good idea.  Where did Dr. Voyant go anyway?

Bradford rolls his eyes, shrugs his shoulders in a "giving up" gesture,
turns to his terminal, and goes back to his work.
			* * * * *
On the way back to the _Comatose_, Boom-Boom passes Lt. Flynn in the hall,
headed away from the ship.

Boom-Boom:  Where the f*** are you going?  We're shipping out of here in
  a few minutes.
Flynn:  Sorry, sir.  My transfer just got approved.  I'll be shipping out
  with the _Melbourne_ in a few days when they stop by for supplies.
Boom-Boom:  Oh.  Congratulations, I guess, but why the f*** is everyone
  leaving my ship?
Flynn:  Maybe they don't like you?  (pause)  Just kidding, sir.

Boom-Boom turns to continue on his way, then turns back to Flynn.

Boom-Boom:  By the way, what are you going to DO on the _Melbourne_,
  anyway?
Flynn (smiles):  I'm the new Counselor, sir.
			* * * * *
Boom-Boom walks onto the bridge.  A tall, scruffy-looking man stands
at Science Station 2, playing video games.

Boom-Boom:  Hey.  No Nintendo until we're into warp.
Biggs:  Just a minute, Larry.  I'm almost to twenty million.
Boom-Boom:  Bruce?

The Counselor stands up from her chair.
Bruce:  Yes?
Boom-Boom (aside, to Counselor Bruce):  Not you.
Biggs:  Yup.  It's me all right.  I'm your new first officer.  He he he...
Boom-Boom (smiling slyly):  Things are looking up.
			* * * * *
"First Officer's Log, Stardate 101834.9:
     My first day on the job has been a blast.  I'm really going to enjoy
playing -- I mean working -- on this ship.  Tomorrow, the captain and I
are going to sneak into Engineering and set up a still so we don't have
to use any of that synthehol s***."

Commander Biggs sits down in the captain's chair, puts his feet over his
own chair, and settles in for a nap.  "Boom-Boom" comes out of the turbolift
and looks just a little peeved that Biggs has taken his chair.

< FWOOOOSSHHHH!! >
K.T.:  So, you take this particular constant and plug it into this
  particular equation and get out this particular result.
Biggs (mumbles under his breath):  I must be having a nightmare.
K.T.:  Mr. Biggs, are you understanding this or will I need to say all
  of these particular things again???

Bruce's eyes pop open, then widen in horror.  K.T. and a chalkboard
have appeared at the side of the bridge, and K.T. is deriving the
essentials of Quantum Electrodynamics.

Biggs:  Not you.  Not here.  This has to be a bad dream.  (looks up at
  Captain Boom-Boom)  Pinch me and make sure I'm not dreaming.
Larry:  Hey, keep the kinky stuff with the women.  You're not dreaming.
K.T.:  You just have to know these things!  We are not in kindergarten
  any more!
Biggs:  I don't think I can stand much more of this.
			* * * * *
Parker:  Captain, detecting a Federation starship on our flight path.
Crouton:  Identity?
Parker:  NCC-2947, _USS Comatose_.  Captain Boom-Boom commanding.
Crouton:  Ah.  Well, send usual friendly greetings, ask if they need
  anything, etc., etc.
Gretzky:  As you wish, Captain.  (starts typing)
Crouton:  Mr. Kessner, what is our ETA to--
Gretzky:  Captain, the _Comatose_ is in trouble.  The captain wishes to
  speak with you, sir.
Crouton:  On screen, if you please.
Boom-Boom (ss):  We have a little problem here, _Croutonprize_.  I think
  your people are a little better suited for it than ours.
Crouton:  What is the problem?

The viewscreen image widens to take in the whole bridge.  K.T. is
lecturing at a black board on the left side of the screen.  Most of the
bridge crew are frantically taking notes on PADDs.  Commander Biggs
cringes every time he hears the word "particular" (which is, frankly,
quite frequently) and screams in agony the rest of the time.

Crouton looks around his own bridge for responses.  Lt. Cdr. Ghiasi
steps down from back of the bridge.

Ghiasi:  I can take care of this one, sir.
Crouton:  All right.  (to Boom-Boom)  Lt. Cdr. Ghiasi will beam over
  to assist your situation, Captain.
Boom-Boom:  Thanks.  I don't know how much longer we can take this.
			* * * * *
Soraya waits in Croutonizer Room 1 when Missy, Jez, and Ensign Dave Kindig
finally show up.

Midzor:  Do I *have* to go?  I had enough of K.T. before.
Ghiasi:  We have the most experience with him of anyone on this ship.
  I think it's our responsibility to deal with him.
Midzor:  So why isn't Admiral Avenger here?
Ghiasi:  He's too far away and the _Comatose_ crew will be dead long
  before then, you silly Chief Engineer.
Kindig:  Okay.  But why is Jez here?
Jez:  Mrow!  Meow mrow mrowp?  [Yeah!  Why AM I here?]
Ghiasi:  Because you're my kitty, because you're a security officer, and
  because I thought of a way you could help us.
Jez:  Mrowp mrow meow meow mrow?  [Do I get some Pounce if I go?]
Ghiasi:  Fine!  I'll give you a whole can of Pounce when we get back if
  you'll just cooperate.
Jez:  Mrow meow!  [Oh boy!]
Kindig (turns to camera):  You know, this is beginning to sound like an
  episode of _Scooby-Doo_.
			* * * * *
The four _Croutonprize_ members appear on the bridge of the _Comatose_.
K.T. is passing out "old homework assignments."

K.T.:  Ghiashi.  (shoves a paper with some red marks in her face)  Midzor.
  (same deal)  Kindig.  (shoves a paper with a few more red marks in his
  face)  Biggs.

K.T. hovers over the cowering First Officer as he drops the paper into
Bruce's lap.

K.T.:  I do not understand why you cannot do the assignments.  We have
  done these things before.  You should know this already.
Biggs (childlike voice):  Help...me...
Ghiasi:  Jez, now...

Jez bounds across the room and leaps at the chalkboard, claws extended.
He slides down the chalkboard, scraping his claws down all the way.  But
no nasty squeaking noise erupts.

Midzor:  Dammit.  He got one of those squeak-resistant chalkboards too.

K.T. turns and walks up to Jez, staring down at Jez.  Jez looks up meekly.

K.T.:  What do you think you are doing to this particular chalkboard?
  This is not a scratching post, you particularly silly cat.

Cdr. Biggs cringes at the word "particularly" and curls into a ball.

Kindig:  I can't take any more of this.  I think I'll go home and work
  on the Plasma or something.
K.T.:  You will not be able to pass this particular course if you do not
  learn the particular subject material, Mr. Kindig.

Biggs curls into a tighter ball.  Missy suddenly snaps her fingers and
runs up to Science Station 3.

K.T.:  Where do you think you are going, Missy the particular SPS President?

Missy tries to shut him out of her ears as much as possible as she tries
to contact Starbase LMC.  Her inexperience with UNIX trips her up, however,
until Soraya shows up to assist.

Ghiasi:  What are you trying to do?
Midzor:  I want to get the Admiral's KT plot off his account so we can
  show it to K.T.
Ghiasi:  Good idea!  He's put it in his anonymous ftp.  Just type
  "ftp rampage.starfleet.com", log in as anonymous, and give your own
  mailname as your password.
Midzor:  Oh, okay.  (types it in)
Ghiasi:  Now type "get kt.pro", "get num", and "get all".
Midzor (more typing):  Got it.
Ghiasi:  Good.  Now log out of the ftp by typing "quit" and you'll be back
  at your shell.
Kindig:  Now type "idl" and once you're in, type ".run kt".
Midzor (more typing):  All right, got it.

Suddenly, a detailed graph appears on the main viewscreen.  The x-axis
reads "Day" and the y-axis reads "Particulars."  The top of the graph
reads "Particularly K.T."

K.T. (mystified):  What is this particular graph that you have put on
  this particular viewscreen?
Midzor:  It's a plot of the number of particulars you use in a lecture.
K.T. (shocked):  Do I really say "particular" as frequently as that?

Cdr. Biggs begins to uncurl himself.  He looks at the screen and begins
to smile.  He then turns toward Jez and hoarsely speaks...

Biggs:  I have a data file...(cough cough)...for this in my account.
  Load it up and add the data please...

Jez bounds up to the top of the bridge and does it.  More points appear
on the graph, increasing the number of particulars and the chaotic behavior
of their use.

K.T.:  This can not be particularly right.  How can anyone use one particular
  word so frequently?
Jez:  Mrow!  Meow mrow mrowr mrowp!  [I don't know.  Why do you use that
  word so much?]

Cdr. Biggs is feeling better and gets up on his feet.  K.T. begins to
scratch his head and stare at the graph.

K.T.:  How can this be?  How can I use a particular word with such frequency?

Cdr. Biggs begins to giggle, then begins to laugh out loud.

K.T.:  I will have to study this particular problem further.  I shall
  return to finish this particular lecture when I am finished.

K.T. and the chalkboard disappear in a flash, leaving Cdr. Biggs laughing
hysterically in the middle of the bridge, with all crew staring at him.
Suddenly, he looks around him and sees the staring eyes.

Biggs:  What are you looking at?
Ghiasi:  Let's go.  Good work, team.  (taps communicator)  Four to Croutonize.

The _Croutonprize_ crew disappear, leaving Captain Boom-Boom dumbfounded.

Boom-Boom:  What the f*** was all that about?
Biggs:  Fizzix in-joke, Larry.  Come on, let's go down to Engineering.
Boom-Boom:  Why?
Biggs:  To try out our new toy...
Boom-Boom (smiles):  Oh yeah.  Right.

The _Comatose_ and the _Croutonprize_ move off in separate directions and
jump into warp...

----------------
Date: Sun, 16 Dec 90 22:46:43 -0700
From: reidj@tramp (Crossfire)
Subject: ST:TCG  "A Christmas Crouton"

Next time, on an all-new episode of Star Trek:  The Crouton Generation--

"A Christmas Crouton"

One night, while particularly depressed and feeling that he knows absolutely
nothing, Captain Crouton is visited by the ghost of his old Starfleet Academy
roommate Midshipman Marley.  Marley promises that before morning, Crouton will
be visited by the ghosts of Philosophers Past, Croutons Present, and Theses 
Future.  Can Captain Crouton withstand this supernatural onslaught?  Will he
learn his lesson that all God's children need travelling shoes?  Or will he
get the Dickens scared out of him?  Find out on the next excitingly
supernatural episode of Star Trek:  The Scrooge Generation.