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STAR TREK: THE CROUTON GENERATION
SEASON TWO
Episodes #67 - 69
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Date: Mon, 17 Dec 90 15:00:05 -0700
From: zecca@tramp (Admiral Avenger)
Subject: ST:TCG2 "A Love for Tennis"
This is a "modern-day" (aka ST:TCG continuity) sequel to my flashback
episode of a few weeks back.
------------------------------------------------------------
"Admiral's Log, Stardate 101832.7:
An old crew member of mine has just joined the staff at Starbase LMC
as the new athletic director for the LMC. We've decided to "take a little
spin" in the _Rampage_ to familiarize him with the surroundings."
Avenger: So, Commander, what have you been up to since we lost the _Pike_?
Becker: Bitte, Admiral. Please call me just Boris.
Avenger (evil smile): Okay, Just Boris, what have you been doing?
Becker: Vell, first I vas assigned to ze starship--
Loqutus: Red Alert. Red Alert. Your culture will adapt to deal with a
red alert.
Becker rushes to the tactical position. Avenger takes the command chair.
Avenger: Report, Mr. Hansen.
Hansen: Borg vessel approaching at high warp speeds from the direction
of our galaxy... It has a very odd configuration though...not quite
cubical...
Avenger: Put it on the TV, Mr. Hansen.
Becker: You are being hailed, Admiral. By Name. (pronounced "Nam-eh")
Avenger: Answer the hail, Mr. Becker.
The visual pops up. A rather large Borg vessel approaches rapidly.
Sticking out the top right corner of the Borg vessel is what appears
to be a Galaxy-class starship, with the saucer section mostly fused
into the Borg hull and the stardrive section sticking out into space.
We suddenly switch from this view to that of Bjorn of Borg himself.
Bjorn: Admiral M. Robert Avenger, _USS Rampage_, NCC-2500-MP. We
come in peace.
Avenger: Ah, Bjorn of Borg. We meet again. (pause) Have you put on weight?
Bjorn: Weight gain is irrelevant. Idle chat is futile. Your culture
will adapt to serve to ours.
Avenger: Still on the tennis kick, huh?
Bjorn: The knowledge and experience of players of jai-alai, lacrosse,
field hockey, croquet, and racquetball are part of us now. It has
prepared us for a variety of forms of recreation.
Avenger (rolling eyes): Oh, I'm just glad to hear it.
Bjorn: We have assimilated your old ship, Admiral. If you wish to
reclaim any old posessions, you will lower shields and transport
yourself aboard our vessel.
Avenger: I'll think about it.
Avenger runs his finger along his throat in a throat-cutting gesture.
Becker kills the communications link.
Avenger: What the hell are they up to?
* * * * *
"A Love for Tennis"
Introducing
Loqutus, the _USS Rampage_ Computer
MacKenzie, the Notorious Gretzky Kitty
Guest stars
Boris Becker
William Love
Bjorn Borg as Bjorn of Borg
Bart Simpson as the voice of B.A.R.T.
Directed by Mary Ridge
Music by Paul Schaffer
* * * * *
Himle: Captain Crouton, message coming in for you from Admiral Avenger.
Crouton: On screen, if you please.
Himle: Sorry, sir, it's encoded in scrambled text only.
Crouton: Curious. Number One, Soraya. (heads for his Ready Room)
* * * * *
Crouton: He's encountered his old enemy, Bjorn of Borg, and notes
suspiciously peaceful circumstances. He simply wants back-up.
Highlander: He's going to f***ing need more than that.
Ghiasi: Why would the Borg be offering peace?
Crouton: I don't know...I find it highly irregular. (taps button)
Mr. Chuang, plot a course for the coordinates I am loading into your
terminal now. Warp 8, notify me when we're in long distance scanner
range, engage.
Chuang (ic): Yes, sir, Captain, sir. (giggle)
* * * * *
Jez the Wonder Kitty walks proudly down the hallway on Deck 12. As he
nears the Gretzky's quarters, however, he notices another cat standing
his ground in the hallway.
Jez: Mrowp meow meow mrowp mrow. [Hi there. I'm Jez, assistant
Chief of Security.]
MacKenzie: Mrow meow mow mrow meow. [I know who you are, you hoser.]
Jez: Mrow meow hiss meow? Mrow meowp meowr mrowp? [Who are you? What
did you call me?]
MacKenzie: Meowrp mrow mrowp hiss grrll mregrr mrowl. [I'm MacKenzie
Gretzky. Take off, you hoser.]
MacKenzie begins to arch his back ever so slightly. Jez crouches and
reaches out a paw in MacKenzie's direction.
Jez: Mrow meow hiss mrow. [Be nice to me or I'll swat you one.]
MacKenzie: Meowr mrowp meowr mrow HISS. [I'd like to see you try.]
Jez reaches out with the paw and taps MacKenzie on the nose. He does
it again, harder. Suddenly, MacKenzie leaps forward and wraps himself
around Jez. The roll around on the floor, biting one another.
* * * * *
Becker sets his phaser and steps onto the Croutonizer. Avenger follows.
Becker: Are you sure you should be going, Admiral?
Avenger: They're not going to stop this nonsense until I do. Croutonize.
Loqutus: Croutonizers are irrelevant.
Avenger: Just do it.
Avenger and Becker begin to disintegrate into their individual croutons.
Loqutus: Bo Jackson is irrelevant.
* * * * *
Avenger and Becker appear on the Borg vessel and Bjorn stumbles over to
greet them.
Bjorn: Follow me to your ship. (eyes Becker) Your companion is not
welcome here.
Becker: Ve meet again, Bjorn of Borg. (smiles) Mo"chten Sie mit mir
Tennis spielen?
Bjorn: No. (marches off)
Avenger (quietly, to Becker): Let's go. Keep your eyes peeled.
* * * * *
Ensign Heidrich finishes filing the medical exams for the week.
Heidrich (sarcastically): Oh boy oh boy. Lowest rank in Sickbay, so you
get to file the paperwork.
Jez and MacKenzie limp into Sickbay, supporting one another. Once they
get inside, they collapse in a heap on the floor.
Jez: MRRROOOOOWWWWW! [OUUUUUCCCCCHHHHH!!!!]
MacKenzie: MEOOOOWWWWWRRRRR!!! [OWWWWWWWW!!!]
Heidrich (brightening): Hey, kitties, what's up?
Jez (a little miffed): Mrow meow mrow meow mrowp hiss mrowp mrow! [You
will address me with the appropriate amount of respect, Ensign!]
Heidrich (straightening): Sorry, Lt. Jez, sir. I didn't recognize you.
MacKenzie: Mrowp meow mrow meowp?! [Will you just do your job?!]
Heidrich: What did you two do anyway? Get in a fight with a Klingon?
Jez: Mrow meowp mrowp. [Almost as bad.] (turns to MacKenzie) Meowp
mrowp meow mrow. [We'll have to do some more of that sometime.]
MacKenzie: Mrow meow mrowp meow mrowp! [Let me heal first at least!]
* * * * *
Bjorn enters the Borgified hallways of the _USS Christopher Pike_ and
Avenger and Becker follow. Avenger indicates that he would like to go
to the main bridge, so they head there. The turbolift opens onto the
bridge and Bjorn, Avenger and Becker step out. Someone is seated in the
captain's chair.
Love: Admiral Avenger. What the hell are *you* doing here? You're
supposed to be writing up your labs!
Avenger: Ha! I finished Senior Lab and I don't have to take any more
lab courses. Ever!
Love: We'll see about that. (pause) Maybe you can help me...
Avenger: Why ever would I want to help you?
Bjorn: He resists all our attempts to assimilate him. We wish to
make his knowledge and experience with fly fishing a part of our
collective consciousness.
Love: These Borg idiots are really getting on my nerves. Of course,
I don't know whether it's them or your damn computer which gives me
more fits.
B.A.R.T.: Don't have a ruminating bovine quadruped, man!
Avenger ignores Love and rushes to the Science Stations.
Avenger: Hey, B.A.R.T.! You're still alive, my old friend.
B.A.R.T.: Yeah, dude. Aye carumba, do you think I'm that stupid?
Avenger (turning to Bjorn): Why haven't you assimilated B.A.R.T.?
Bjorn: A primitive artificial intelligence. It is obsolete in our
new order.
B.A.R.T.: Eat my transtators, Borg dudes!
Avenger: B.A.R.T.! (to Bjorn) You insult B.A.R.T. and you drag me
here for I don't know what reason. What is the point?
Bjorn: We wish to assimilate Prof. Love's knowledge of fly fishing. You
will assist us in convincing him that he wishes to be assimilated.
Avenger (lost in thought): Hmm...that doesn't sound half bad.
Love (eyes wide): What? You'd let them have me? I'm gonna go back and
change your lab grade to an F so you can't graduate.
Becker: Mein Herr, ich habe eine Idee... (whispers into Avenger's ear)
Avenger breaks into a wide grin...then laughs out loud.
Avenger: All right, Prof. Love. We'll help you out.
Love (into the camera): Now I'm not so sure I want the help.
* * * * *
Himle: Approaching the Borg vessel, Captain.
Crouton: Red Alert. All hands stand by at battle stations.
Zen: < RED ALERT > < RED ALERT > Women and felines first. < RED ALERT >
Gretzky (confusedly): Captain, I am being hailed on a secure channel.
* * * * *
Avenger: Okay, it's quite simple. Bjorn vs. Love, championship format.
Commander Becker will do the officiating.
Love: But...but...why do we have to play this silly game? I shoulda
flunked you in the first place, you smart as--
Bjorn: Love-Love, Love. Resistance is futile. (serves)
The game begins. Love does not do well on the first few serves. No one
notices as Admiral Avenger slips quietly out a side door...
* * * * *
Gretzky, Jez, Midzor, and Kessner appear on the borgified bridge of the
_Pike_ just as Admiral Avenger steps aboard. Jez appears to be limping
and is wearing several bandages.
Avenger: Great, you're all here. Gretzky, follow Becker's communicator
and prepare to get him out of there.
Gretzky: Aye, Admiral. Good luck.
Gretzky skates off the bridge on roller blades carrying his hockey stick
firmly in his arms. His phaser is holstered at his side.
Avenger: Missy, get down to Engineering and get the stardrive section
working. Kessner, Jez, get down to the battle bridge and prepare
for saucer separation. (pause) Please.
They leave. Admiral Avenger approaches Science Station 3.
Avenger: B.A.R.T., old friend. Transfer all memory and autonomic functions
to the stardrive section. We're about to leave the saucer for good.
B.A.R.T.: I'm getting to it. I'm getting to it. Don't have a Rigelian
tetrapod, man.
Avenger looks around the bridge of the _Pike_ fondly. He sits down in
his old captain's chair one last time.
Avenger: I am really going to miss you.
Suddenly, an idea sparks in his head. He digs up a tool kit out of a
storage locker and detaches the captain's chair from the bridge.
B.A.R.T.: Finished, man. I'll be down on the battle bridge if you need me.
Avenger: Thanks, B.A.R.T. (Picks up the chair and enters the turbolift.)
* * * * *
Love: You Borg-things aren't as good as you thought you were, didya?
Becker: Bjorn leads, 6-0,6-2,3-4. Prof. Love will serve next game.
Bjorn: Your culture will adapt to serve to ours.
Prof. Love looks around the room a moment.
Love: Wait a minute. Where's the Admiral at? What are you two up to?
Becker looks around nervously. Bjorn turns menacingly toward him.
* * * * *
Avenger puts down the captain's chair as he enters the battle bridge
and moves toward the con position.
Avenger (taps panel in the midst of plotting a course): Missy, do we
have power yet?
Midzor (ic): I'm working on it, Admiral! Geez, don't rush me! They managed
to assimilate the impulse drive and I've been doing my best to un-assimilate
it. The warp drive is fine, except for the fact it hasn't been run in
ten years.
Avenger: Just give us enough impulse to clear the Borg ship and we can
use warp drive the rest of the way.
Midzor (ic): You realize that this thing only has Six-Warp. The Borg
can easily outrun that.
Avenger: It won't matter, Missy. Trust me. I know what I'm doing.
Kessner: Saucer separation is ready on your mark, Admiral.
Jez: Mrow meow mrow mrowp meowp mrow mrow meow mrowp. [I have the phasers
working at half power and one photon tube is still functional.]
Avenger (looks at his watch): Give it another 30 seconds....
* * * * *
Gretzky skates quickly through the halls of the Borg ship. An occasional
Borg attempts to stop his advance, but Gretzky merely high-sticks them
out of the way.
* * * * *
Bjorn scans over toward Becker, analyzes his facial expressions for a
moment, then scans back to Prof. Love.
Bjorn: The Admiral is irrelevant. If you do not serve, you will forfeit
the match and must give yourself up for assimilation.
Love: Grumble grumble. All right. (tosses the ball up to serve it)
Suddenly, Gretzky breaks through the door, high-sticks two Borg, skates
directly toward Prof. Love, knocks the ball out of the air and into
Bjorn's mouth, swings around in a circle, scoops up Boris as he leaps
off the official's stand, and skates out of the room at high speed.
Gretzky (calling down the hall): Now's your chance to escape, Love.
Love: Grumble grumble. I hate hockey.
* * * * *
Avenger: Separate saucer section now, Mr. Kessner.
Kessner: Yes, sir. (types away) It's not responding, sir.
Avenger: Damn it. (Jumps up, leaps over the tactical railing, trips
over it and falls flat on his face, then looks up at Jez) It's been
awhile.
Suddenly, Bjorn's image appears on the viewscreen.
Bjorn: Separation is irrelevant. Your attempts at deception have been
transparent. Your culture will adapt to serve to ours.
Avenger: You've probably got Prof. Love. Isn't that enough?
Bjorn: Love is irrelevant. Flirting is futile.
Avenger: B.A.R.T., override Borg interference.
B.A.R.T.: Overrides are irrelevant. Separation is futile.
Avenger: Damn, they've got B.A.R.T. too.
Midzor (ic): I've got full impulse power again.
Avenger: A little late, Missy. Can you get us computer control back?
Midzor (ic): I'm an engineer, not a computer scientist!
Gretzky (ic): Becker and I are here, sir. I'm attempting to reseal the
docking port, but there are several Borg on their way.
Avenger: What to do...? What to do...?
Jez: Meow mrowp meow mrowp meowr mrowp. [Why don't we just override
B.A.R.T. with another computer?]
Avenger: Good idea, Jez. (taps panel) Loqutus, this is Admiral Avenger.
Assimilate the stardrive section of the _Christopher Pike_.
B.A.R.T.: You will be assimilated.
Loqutus (ss): No, you will be assimilated. The technology and experience
of 10 years of advances in computing technology is part of us now. You
can not resist me.
B.A.R.T.: Eat my transtators, Loqutus.
Avenger: I think you're breaking through, Loqutus.
Loqutus (ss): Your comments are unwarranted and irrelevant. Inferior
technology will always be easily assimilated. Control is yours, Admiral.
Avenger: Thank you, Loqutus. Kessner, separate now.
Kessner: Yes, sir.
* * * * *
We cut to an exterior shot of the stardrive section of the _Christopher
Pike_ separating from the saucer section, which is still embedded in the
Borg vessel. Once it is free, the _Pike_ does a split-second warp jump,
putting it several thousand km behind the protection of the _Croutonprize_
and the _Rampage_.
* * * * *
Crouton: Open hailing frequencies.
Neon: They're open, Captain.
Crouton: Bjorn of Borg, this is Captain Christopher L. Crouton of the
starship _Croutonprize_. You will leave the area or we will have every
Federation ship in the sector on your backs.
Bjorn (ss): The Federation is irrelevant. The Borg will prevail.
The Borg ship jumps into warp, heading toward the Milky Way.
* * * * *
"Admiral's Log, Supplemental.
Star Fleet has given me the go ahead to make the stardrive of the
_Pike_ into a floating museum piece here at Starbase LMC. My thanks
to the crew of the _Croutonprize_, most especially Lt. Cdr. Gretzky,
for their assistance in recovering it."
Avenger: There. Finished. (beams with joy)
Admiral T'Lilith enters the room.
T'Lilith: boH'wI? (pause) What is that?
Avenger: It's my old captain's chair from the bridge of the _Pike_.
Some nostalgia for the office, you know.
T'Lilith: Well, I hope you have enjoyed yourself, but perhaps you have
forgotten our appointment down on Deck 34?
Avenger (shock of sudden realization): Oh, damn. Sorry, I completely
forgot. (turns to desk) Computer, hold all calls. Tell them I'm
in a staff meeting. (back to T'Lilith as he grasps the first two fingers
of her right hand with his own) Let's go.
----------------
Date: Mon, 17 Dec 90 17:14:46 -0700
From: reidj@tramp (Crossfire)
Subject: ST:TCG "Growltiger's Last Stand"
Next time, on an All-New Episode of Star Trek: The Crouton Generation--
"Growltiger's Last Stand" (with a tip o' the pen to T.S. Eliot)
An old rival from Jez the Wonder Kitty's past returns to haunt him. Can Jez
best the bully? Will Growltiger chew up Jez's ears? Will their fighting
keep everyone in SpaceDock awake? Will Soraya have a nervous breakdown
when she finds out Jez is fighting? Find out on the next caterwauling episode
of Star Trek: The Feline Generation!
* * * * * * * * *
"Growltiger's Last Stand"
a poem of questionable value by Crossfire
(with apologies to T.S. Eliot)
Growltiger was a bravo cat, who lived on a trader barge,
In fact he was the roughest cat who ever roamed at large.
>From Centauri to Cygnus V he persued his evil aims
Rejoicing in his title of "The Terror of the Space Lanes!"
His appearance and his manner did not calculate to please,
His spacesuit was torn and seedy, it was baggy at the knees.
One ear was somewhat missing, no need to tell you why,
And he scowled out on the Federation from one forbidding eye.
The traders of the Rho Sector knew something of his name;
At Starbase 452 the people shuddered at his name.
They would fortify their milk dispensers, lock up the silly goose,
When the rumor ran throughout the post: GROWLTIGER'S ON THE LOOSE!
* * * * * * * * *
Continuity note: This episode takes place BEFORE the Admiral's episode
"Particularly KT."
"Captain's Log, stardate 357707alpha7477charlie77429tango7277437lock.
We are in drydock in SpaceDock following our encounter with Nyarlathotep
for repairs to the Jolt Warp drive, which was severely strained in our
constant hopping from galaxy to galaxy. We are also awaiting crew
replacements. Still nearly a third of my crew remain in a catatonic trance
from our first encounter with Nyarlathotep. Counselor Neon is not hopeful
for their recovery.
On a lighter note, this is a chance for my crew to go on shore leave to
Earth, and I myself intend to take advantage of this right after I finish
this paper for Plasma."
[Interior, Bridge. A skeleton crew is on duty, including Crossfire and Jez.
Technical teams wearing SpaceDock uniforms work at various panels in the
walls. Captain Crouton walks out of his ready room.]
Crouton: Jez, report on the repairs to the Jolt Warp Drive.
Jez: Meow rowling quite well, sir. We're still waiting for a few parts to
be finished, but other than that, we're ahead of schedule.
[Crossfire looks briefly at Jez, frowning. He shakes his head, as if to clear
it, then looks back to his work.]
Crouton: Very good, Lieutenant. Keep up the good work. Crossfire, what about
the upgrades to the tracking systems?
Crossfire: Already finished sir; we're calibrating now. We should be ready
to do some computer simulations within two hours.
Crouton: Good. If you'll excuse me, I've got some writing to do. [He leaves]
Jez: Crossfire, are you going on shore leave?
Crossfire: I was thinking about it. I haven't been camping in a long time,
and I'd like to see if I can't get some done.
Jez: Sounds like fun.
Soraya [ic]: Jez, what are you reading on the lateral field drift compensator?
Jez: Nothing. I think the detector's fried.
Soraya [ic]: Oh. Okay. Just a sec.
Jez: I'm going off duty in a minute.
Soraya [ic, distracted]: Given that grass is green, find the age of the
universe. Hint: The perihelion advance of Mercury is .3 arcseconds per
century.
[Crossfire and Jez look at each other]
Jez: What?
Soraya [ic]: Nothing. Just mumbling. Go get your dinner, Jez.
Jez: Okay. [taps com panel to deactivate] Later, Crossfire.
Crossfire: Laters.
* * * * * * *
[Interior, The Cat's Meow, an all-feline restaurant/bar. Cats of all species
are sitting and talking, eating, and drinking. Jez walks in and sits down
at one of the empty seats.]
CompuWaitor [a pleasant, feline voice]: What can I get forrrrrrr you, sirrr?
Jez: Tuna niblits in gravy, a side of Pounce, and water.
CW: Herrrrrrre you go. [His dinner materializes in the food slot.]
[While Jez is eating, a voice speaks up from behind him.]
Voice: Well well well. If it isn't Jez the Wonder Kitty.
[Jez turns and sees a female seal-point persian standing behind him.]
Jez: Griddlebone! Wow! I didn't expect to see you again... [he trails off,
embarrassed.]
Griddlebone: ...after the way you treated me? [she smiles] You didn't even
say goodbye.
Jez [very embarrassed]: We were leaving, you know. I didn't have time.
Griddlebone: Well, never mind. You can buy me some Pounce to make up for it.
Jez: Okay...sit down...
Griddlebone: You know Growltiger's trader is in orbit, don't you?
Jez [worried]: No. I didn't.
Griddlebone: Well, chances are you won't even run into him.
Jez: If I'm lucky.
Griddlebone: Never mind. Tell me about what you've been up to...
* * * * * * *
[Interior, Croutonprize Engineering. Soraya and Missy walk toward the
turbolift, talking about where to go for dinner. The doors open, and inside
we see Jez and Griddlebone, clearly engaged in a romantic encounter. They
stop and look at the other two.]
Soraya: Jez, why don't you introduce me to your friend...
Missy: Oh yes, do please...
Jez: Oh...er...this is...um...er.. an old friend of mine...ah...
Soraya [enjoying this]: Jez, that's a very nice imitation of the Riddler...
Jez: Well, yeah. *ahem* This is Griddlebone. She's a friend of mine from
back when I was in the Academy.
Turbolift voice: Please use the turbolifts in a fashion courteous to others.
[Missy and Soraya enter the turbolift.]
Soraya: South airlock. [a pause, during which Jez stares at his feet.] Jez,
We'ere going out to dinner. Do you two want to come?
Jez: Uh...no...we've already eaten.
Soraya: Okay.
[The turbolift stops, and Missy and Soraya get out.]
Missy: See you two later.
[The doors close, but we can hear the two of them laughing.]
[Jez sighs and looks at the floor.]
* * * * * * * *
[Interior, the Cat's Meow. Jez and Griddlebone are sitting in a booth,
talking. In the background, we see the doors open, and a very seedy looking
cat stalks in. He is an old orange tomcat, with a torn ear and an eyepatch.
He sees Jez and Griddlebone and stalks over to them, knocking other patrons
out of his way. Nobody tries to stop him; in fact, other cats seem quite
eager to get out of his way.]
Growltiger [in a low and dangerous voice]: Hello, JezEBEL the wonder kitty.
[Jez's ears flatten at the use of his full name Jezebel, and he turns.]
Jez: Well well well. If it isn't the terror of the space lanes himself.
Griddlebone: Oh, this is just great.
Jez [putting a paw on Griddlebone, to calm her]: I've been expecting you.
Growltiger: I've been waiting for you to come back, so that you weren't tucked
safely away in that fancy Salad Ship of yours.
Jez [ears flattening, and growling]: SALAD ship?
Growltiger: Yeah. That's what everyone calls it. "The Flying Dinner Salad"
It's got Croutons, Bacos, cat hair...all it needs is some Hidden Valley
Ranch Dressing, and it'd be just right...
Jez: Well, can did you evah? Can you imagine what they say about you?
Growltiger [waving his paw]: I already know what they say about me. so I
found them and dealt with them. They don't say it anymore. What say you
and I step outside.
Jez: I don't think you want to do that...I'm not the same frightened kitten
you used to bully in the Academy. Before you *dropped out*, that is.
[For the first time, Jez gets to Growltiger. His ears flatten.]
Jez: Oh, don't feel bad; alot of cats can't cut it in Starfleet.
Growltiger: *Obviously* You have changed. gotten a backbone, it looks like.
but I can still whip you. You never could fight back then, and you
probably can't now.
Jez: I've learned a trick or two since then...
Growltiger: Oh yeah? [He launches himself at Jez, knocking him to the floor.
The two of them roll around, growling and yowling. Tables get knocked over,
fur goes flying, other cats run out of the way.]
Griddlebone: Knock it off, you two! Stop it!
[Jez and Growltiger separate, glaring at each other. They are both hurt; Jez
slightly more so.]
Growltiger: Well. Your fancy training has done you some good after all. But
it doesn't matter. I've had some enhancements added. Allow me to
demonstrate.
[He flicks his left paw, and four razor-sharp cybernetic claws flick out. They
shine dimly in the shadows.]
Growltiger [mocking]: Here, kitty, kitty, kitty...
Jez: Very nice. Claws by Calvin Klein?
[Growltiger runs toward Jez again but Jez just dances out of his way, tripping
him as he passes.]
Jez: I've got something to show you, Growltiger. [He reaches inside his
pocket and pulls out a ball of yarn.] Here! Catch!
[Jez tosses the ball at Growltiger, who, like all cats, immediately starts to
play with it. Seeing such a large, ferocious looking cat playing with a
ball of yarn causes the other cats to start laughing. Jez takes Griddlebone's
paw and together they rush out of the Cat's Meow. Shortly, Growltiger
realizes that Jez has gone...]
Growltiger: JEZEBELLLLL!!!!!!!!!! Don't think you've won yet...
[He slinks out of the Cat's Meow, followed by the laughs of the other cats.]
* * * * * * * * *
[Interior, Croutonprize, just inside the South Dock. Jez and Griddlebone come
running up.]
Griddlebone: That was wonderful, Jez!
Jez: He always was a sucker for that ball of string trick.
Griddlebone: You're bleeding, you know.
[Jez's left ear is badly torn, and he's missing a few tufts of hair from his
back.]
Jez: Icefalcon can patch me up.
Griddlebone: When are you leaving?
Jez: Tomorrow. I was going to tell you tonight...
Griddlebone [smiling slightly]: Like you told me last time?
Jez: No. Not like that. Like this.
[Jez reaches in his pocket and brings out a wrapped present.]
Griddlebone: Oh, Jez... [she takes it, opening it. It's a can of liver and
cheese Pounce.] Thank you, Jez. You really are a Wonder, Kitty.
[They hug.]
----------------
Date: Mon, 17 Dec 90 18:33:35 -0700
From: zecca@tramp (Admiral Avenger)
Subject: ST:TCG2 "The Legend of Pounce de Lion"
"Second Officer's Log, Stardate 101854.3:
While exploring the Dhatharas stellar nursery in the LMC, we have
come across an anomalous energy reading from the vicinity of one of the
older stars' young planets. As these planets are uninhabitable, the
Captain believes this energy effect to be of minor importance, so he
has assigned Jez to lead a minimal away team."
In Croutonizer Room 4, Jez the Wonder Kitty, Lt. Parker, and Lt. Wizzar
seal their environmental suits and step onto the Croutonizer pads.
Parker (looks at Wizzar suspiciously): Are you *sure* this thing is
fixed now?
Jez: Mrow! [Yeah!]
Wizzar: It's working just fine now.
Jez: Meow mrowp! [It had better!] (turns to Taubman) Meowp. [Croutonize]
Taubman activates the Croutonizer and the away team disappears.
Taubman: Taking orders from a cat now. What's next? Captain Amoeba?
* * * * *
"The Legend of Pounce de Lion"
Written by Admiral Avenger
Guest stars
Robert DeNiro as the voice of Pounce de Lion
Directed by Patrick "Kitten" Juola
Music by Brian Setzer
* * * * *
Jez, Parker, and Wizzar appear on the surface of the barren, rocky planet.
Parker pulls out her tricorder and begins scanning. After a bit, she points
toward a rocky outcropping about 200 feet away.
Parker: It's somewhere in those rocks.
Jez: Well, let's go then!
Parker and Wizzar walk toward the rocks, scanning, while Jez impatiently
bounds towards them.
Jez is the first one to the rocks and hops up amongst them.
Parker: Hey, be careful up there! We don't know what it could be.
Jez (turning his head back toward them): Mrowp! Mew meow mrow meowr?
[Hey! Who's in charge here?]
Wizzar: You are, kitty, sir.
Jez (looking back into the rocks): MROWP! Meow hiss mrow mrowp? [Hey!
What the hell is that?]
Crawford and Parker climb up through the rocks to see what Jez is looking
at. There, amongst the rocks, is a glowing energy field shaped as a one
cubic meter box.
Wizzar: It looks like a stasis box.
Jez: Mrow? [A what?]
Wizzar: A stasis box. It's designed to freeze time to a near standstill
inside.
Parker: Theoretically, you could keep food fresh forever with one of
these things.
Jez: Mrowp. Meow mrow mow meow mew? Mrow meow mrowp meow mrowp--
[Wow. Better than Tupperware? But how did this one--]
Wizzar: In our own galaxy, a starship comes across a Slaver stasis box
about once every 10 years. Used to be a little more frequently, but
we've found a lot of them. Most of them have been empty. A few have
had interesting archeological bits. One or two have even had very
dangerous weapons inside.
Parker: Yes... I read about one that the original _Enterprise_ came
across... Some kind of nasty weapon and an incident with the Kzin...
Wizzar: Something like that.
Jez: Mrowp mrow meowr meow. [Well, let's get it back to the ship.]
* * * * *
In Cargo Croutonizer Room 8, Wizzar and Midzor walk around and around the
box, scanning with everything...
Ghiasi: So, you think this is a Slaver box?
Wizzar: Maybe.
Midzor: Maybe not. We've never seen any sign of the Slavers outside
of our own galaxy.
Wizzar: Doesn't mean they haven't been here.
Ghiasi: True, but it might be someone else.
Jez: Mrow! [Yeah.]
Ghiasi (turns to Jez with curiosity): You have an idea, Jez?
Jez: Mrowp mrow meow mrow meow mrowp meow... [We cats have a legend about
a cat that wanted to design a box for everlasting life...]
Ghiasi: Really?
* * * * *
Highlander: Do you think it is really safe to open the box - at least on
board the ship?
Ghiasi: Well, that's a definite concern, Commander. Perhaps we should
try from a shuttlecraft. If anything happens, you'll lose a shuttle
and a couple of crew at most.
Highlander (thinking): Hmm. We'll have to think it over. No point in
rushing this job. I want some more scans in the morning, but in the
meantime, there's no point in missing sleep over it.
* * * * *
All is quiet in the Cargo Croutonizer room, when Jez and MacKenzie peer
in about 0300 ship's time.
MacKenzie: Meowr meowp? [That's really it?]
Jez: Mrow meowp mrow. [I think so...]
MacKenzie and Jez sneak up on the box and peer inside the best they can.
MacKenzie: Meowp purr prrp mrow. [I think I see some Pounce in there.]
Jez: Purr! [Cool!]
MacKenzie: Mrow meowp meow meowr? [Let's open the thing, eh?]
Jez: Mrow mew mew mrow... [I don't think we should...]
MacKenzie: Mrow meowp! Meowr mew mew purr mrow meow hiss mrow meow?
[Oh, come on! If this is really it, don't you think that cats should
be the ones to open it?]
Jez: Meowr mrow. [You're right.] (pause) Meow bo prrup! [Let's do it!]
* * * * *
Up on the bridge, a skeleton night shift crew carries out their duties.
Lt. Cdr. Zortylwankoid works, half-asleep, at Science Station 3. Suddenly,
the lights dim for a few seconds, then come back up to power. All the
computers reboot in the process, however,
Wankoid: Galgarygyalhggack! I was almost done installing the newest
version of the operating system! (pause) Missy must have rolled over
in her sleep or something.
* * * * *
Jez: Mrow meowr purr purr! [Enough Pounce to last a lifetime!]
MacKenzie: Mrowp purr prrp! [Or at least one night!]
Jez and MacKenzie dig in and begin gobbling up the Pounce.
* * * * *
0700 ships time. Soraya leaves her quarters and heads toward the Cargo
Croutonizer Room.
Soraya: I wonder where Jez is? It's not like him to stay out all night.
When she arrives at her destination, she finds the answer to her result.
MacKenzie, the Notorious Gretzky Kitty, and Jez the Wonder Kitty sleep
peacefully next to the stasis box. Empty cans of Pounce lay scattered
all around. It is then that Soraya notices the open stasis box.
Ghiasi (tapping wall panel): Soraya to bridge. The stasis box is open.
* * * * *
Highlander rubs his eyes, tries to glare at Soraya for getting him up
so early, but fails and nearly nods off again.
Highlander: You had to get me out of bed this early in the morning
for THIS?
Ghiasi: It might be serious. We were supposed to wait and open the box
somewhere safe -- and away from the ship. Who knows what might have
been in the box and got released?
Jez yawns and begins to stretch. MacKenzie begins to follow suit. Suddenly,
they both notice the gathered group of humans (and half immortals).
Jez: Rowp mrow. [Uh oh.]
Jez cowers and looks up pleadingly at Soraya. MacKenzie looks around a
minute, then runs out of the room and away down the hall.
Ghiasi: And just what did you two think you were up to?
Jez: Mew mew mrow... [Sorry, Soraya...]
* * * * *
Icefalcon: Now, Jez, just hold still. This isn't going to hurt.
Jez: Whimper meeooowwwlll. [Whimper whine whine.]
While Icefalcon scans Jez, Captain Crouton consults with his officers
across the Sickbay.
Crouton: We don't know what all was in the box.
Ghiasi: Could have just been Pounce...but I would tend to think they'd
put something more important in a stasis box.
Jen-L: Well, it might not even be Pounce...we'll find out in a few hours
for sure.
Midzor: What if they released some type of life form?
Crossfire: Microbes? Has anyone considered what a 100,000 year old
alien virus might to do us if it was released from the box?
Crouton: All good points. I suggest we just sit back and watch for
anything unusual. Melissa, Soraya, I'd like you to go through the
remaining contents of the box. Maybe there's something we've missed.
* * * * *
Soraya picks up a small, odd-looking device.
Ghiasi: What do you make of this?
Midzor: Not a light, (evil grin) that's for sure. (pause) It looks like
some form of recording device.
Ghiasi: A tape recording...a log entry or something?
Midzor: Perhaps. Very peculiar style though. I'll have Wizzar take a
look at it...maybe we can figure out how to make it work.
* * * * *
Wizzar: Hmm...this is very peculiar. It certainly reminds me of a compact
laser disc player, but there are differences.
Midzor: Can you get it to play?
Wizzar: I don't know. You'll have to give me some time.
Suddenly, Jez bounds around the corner.
Jez: Mrow mrowp mrowl. [Let me see it.]
* * * * *
In the Conference Room, Captain Crouton, Highlander, Soraya, Missy,
Wizzar, Parker, Jez, and MacKenzie have gathered as Jez and MacKenzie
try to determine how to play the device.
MacKenzie: Mrow meow mrowl meowrl. [Oh, I think I get it now.]
The disc begins to play, but the sound that comes from it is in a garbled
tongue unfamiliar to the assembled crew. Jez and MacKenzie listen
thoughtfully for a moment.
Jez: Meowrl mrowl meowr mrow mrowp. [Jez, access secondary language
bank -- Old High Persian.]
Zen: Confirmed. Old High Persian is loaded.
Jez: Mrowl meowr mrowl. [Please translate this.] (plays disc again)
Zen whirrs, clicks, and beeps with no translation forthcoming.
Zen: Segmentation fault. (core dumped)
Ghiasi: Damn. We're not going to get to hear this, are we?
Jez (slaps himself on the forehead with his paw): Meowl mrow mew meowr
MROW mrowl meowp . [Zen, access Old High Persian FELINE.]
Zen: Confirmed. Old High Persian Feline is loaded.
MacKenzie plays the disc. After a moment's hesitation, Zen begins to
translate, trying to capture the spirit of the original speaker's voice
in a language the crew could understand. It sounds old, dry, feeble...
de Lion: This is the last log entry of Pounce de Lion. My quest to
build a box of everlasting life is at its end...but unfortunately,
I am too old to make use of it.
MacKenzie looks at the floor in reverence. Jez sees this and follows suit.
de Lion: I have come through many hardships to complete my life-long
goal, but my 9 lives are at their end. I have crash-landed on an
unfamiliar planet with only a small supply of Pounce left. Instead
of using it to keep me alive, I have decided to leave it in the box
as a tribute to the future, so that all cats will remember the glorious
taste of the delicacy called Pounce.
MacKenzie wipes away a tear, then looks around nervously trying
to make sure no one saw him.
de Lion: I will make my peace and enter my final nap in a few minutes.
I can only hope that my brothers and their descendants will come to
peace in the years to come. The fires of galactic conquest are burning
up my homelands and I fear they will destroy what we have worked so
hard to build. To any cat that may be hearing this, if you have not
found peace, please make all efforts to work toward that goal.
Jez howls slightly under his breath.
de Lion: (cough cough) It is getting cold... (voice beginning to wear
thin) My air supply is running thin... I am tired... It has been a
good life...
The disc whirrs to a stop. Jez and MacKenzie both howl aloud for a moment,
then leap onto the floor, roll over once, stand up and yawn.
Crouton: Well, we seem to have solved the mystery of this stasis box.
Jen-L (ic): Captain Crouton. Jez and MacKenzie check out. The Pounce
was not tainted.
Crouton: Very good. Jez, you might want to get a message about this
back to your people. I am sure they will be interested to know the
legend was true.
Jez: Mrow meowl mrowp. [Thank you, sir.]
Ghiasi: And while we're on the subject, Jez... Would you please avoid
your Pounce cravings in the future and WAIT for us to safely deal with
things like this?
Jez (looking at the floor): Mew mrow mew mew mew mrow. [I'm sorry,
Soraya. I won't do it again.]
Ghiasi: All right. Now why don't you and MacKenzie get working on a
memorial to Pounce de Lion for the planet below?
Jez/MacKenzie: Mrow meow purr prrp meow mrow! [Thank you, Commander!]
* * * * *
We cut to an exterior shot of the _Croutonprize_ above the planet. We
notice the image of a cat formed in the stars in the background...
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