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STAR TREK: THE CROUTON GENERATION
THE LUCKY CHARMS MINI-SERIES
(Parts 4 - 7)
Episodes #3 - 6 of Star Trek: The Crouton Generation Season 2
-----------------
Date: Mon, 3 Sep 90 18:21:58 -0600
From: zecca@tramp (Admiral Avenger)
To: junk@typhoon.ucar.EDU
Subject: ST:TCG Part 4 (**LONG**)
"Captain's Log, Stardate 101016.5:
We continue to patrol the Federation side of the Romulan Neutral Zone
for signs of Lucky Charm intrusion. So far, we have noticed nothing, but
the invasion is going badly in other parts of the Federation, so we aboard
the _Green Archer_ are the only Star Fleet personnel within several dozen
parsecs.
I hope Star Fleet can get this under control. My confidence in the
abilities of Lt. -- er, I mean Lt. Cdr. -- Crossfire, who was absolutely
excellent during his brief stay aboard my ship, is helping me get through
this crisis with minimum worry."
Captain Atkinson paces back and forth in front of his command chair.
_USS Green Archer_, being a smaller starship, still sticks to the old
tradition of the captain's chair sitting alone at the center of the bridge.
Atkinson: Mon Ping, anything?
The tall science officer looks up from his old-style sensor hood.
Wang: Not much...but I do have the computers running a variety of enhancement
programs to explore as many possibilities as possible. I haven't even
detected the presence of Romulan ships on the other side of the Neutral
Zone in several weeks.
Atkinson: Hmmm. This is very strange. (pause) I wonder what our old friends
aboard the _Croutonprize_ are up to at this moment.
* * * * *
"Turkey Shoot"
(Part 4 of 10)
Written by Admiral Avenger
Guest stars
Michael Ironside as Commander Torbog
Charlton Heston as the Romulan Praetor
Jon Giltner
Barbara Davis
Special Appearance by
Mike Atkinson as Captain Mike Atkinson
Mon Ping Wang as Lt. Cdr. Wang
Special Guest Star
Diana Muldaur as Admiral Talbot
Directed by Gary Hren
* * * * *
The Praetor's Chambers are dark and quiet, spartan yet elegant. He sleeps
peacefully in the large bed. Some rattling at the door is followed by the
Praetor's Personal Guards, who turn up the lights as they allow in an
imposing figure.
Giltner: Excuse my interruption, my Praetor.
Praetor: What is so important that you felt compelled to violate your cover?
Giltner: Invasion, sir.
Praetor (jumping up): We are being invaded?
Giltner: The FEDERATION is being invaded -- by hideous creatures from far
across the Universe. Star Fleet calls them "The Lucky Charms."
Praetor: What a ridiculous name! But Giltner, do you know what this means?
Giltner: Yes, my Praetor. We allow the Lucky Charms to weaken the Feds and
then we strike! We can finally exact our revenge for the Great War.
Praetor: Call Commander Torbog to the throne room. I will be there shortly.
* * * * *
Wang: Captain, Lucky Charm ships detected.
Atkinson: Number? Distance? Course? Speed?
Wang: There seem to be...oh my...at least 50 ships. Distance 2 parsecs.
They are moving toward the Romulan Neutral Zone at high warp speed.
Atkinson: Toward the Romulans? So we're not a target? Hmmm...
Wang: Should we warn the Romulans about this?
Atkinson: We probably should, but I want to consult with Star Fleet first.
* * * * *
Praetor: Commander Torbog, you will lead our glorious fleet to victory.
Strike the Federation at their heart when they are their weakest!
Torbog (evil grin): Yes, my Praetor. How many ships will I --
Praetor: It is time for the Federation to see the full might of the
Romulan fleet. Except for limited border forces along our non-Federation
borders, you will have the entire Fleet at your disposal. Take the Fleet
into the Federation and crush the humans and the Klingons.
Torbog: And what of Vulcan?
Praetor: Protect our brothers as long as you can, but if they should become
too much a threat and interfere with our plans, you will destroy them as
well. Either way, we will finally be able to return to our homeland.
* * * * *
Talbot: Captain Atkinson, we do not at the moment have the forces at our
disposal to help the Romulans. Furthermore, the Romulans are very good
at taking care of themselves.
Atkinson: Yes, Admiral, I realize...
Talbot: And besides, why would the Romulans suddenly begin to believe what
the Federation tells them? At best, they will realize how weak we are at
this very moment and use it as an excuse to attack. That will bode poorly
for both us and for them.
Atkinson: All right. I'll sit tight here and keep reporting on the situation.
Talbot: Exactly. Talbot out.
* * * * *
Giltner: They are on their way to glorious victory, my Praetor! If only
I could have joined them...
Praetor: But I need your assistance later on, Giltner. You will help us
to break their tightest security systems and control the core of the
Federation.
A messenger knocks at the door.
Praetor: Come.
The messenger runs in, bows before the Praetor, then salutes them both.
Messenger: Sub-Commander Giltner, you are being hailed on a security-closed
channel.
Giltner: Ah, that will be Davis with a status report. Excuse me, sir.
Praetor: You must attend your duties. Both of you are dismissed.
* * * * *
Davis (ss): This Lucky Charm invasion is more severe than we thought.
Giltner: The Praetor will be pleased to hear that. The easier to crush
the Federation--
Davis (ss): No, you misunderstand. I just intercepted intelligence
information from a Federation border ship. There are at least 50 Lucky
Charm ships entering OUR Empire!
Giltner: Our Fleet will stop them. I will contact Commander Torbog--
Davis (ss): The Lucky Charms have the ability to hide in other dimensions.
Their ships could evade our fleet and strike us at the homeworlds!
Giltner: The Praetor is not going to be pleased.
* * * * *
Praetor: What?!?!? (The Praetor swings his arm outward, knocking Giltner
to the floor.)
Giltner: I am sorry, my Praetor. We had no idea--
Praetor: It is your JOB to know, Giltner. Now our Fleet is moving toward
the heart of the Federation while we lie relatively unprotected.
Klaxons begin to ring all around the Throne Room. Officers begin to scurry
for duty stations.
Praetor: So it has begun. I will take them with my bare hands, if necessary.
* * * * *
We see a view of the streets of the capital city on Romulus. Suddenly,
Lucky Charms begin to step out of the air...more and more and more...
* * * * *
In orbit around the twin planets of Romulus and Remus, we see fifty-some
Lucky Charm vessels taking up parking orbits. The concentration seems to
be on Romulus itself.
* * * * *
Giltner: Our brethren on Romulus report the appearance of hideous creatures
everywhere they turn. They watch as their comrades, their families --
every Romulan man, woman, and child -- are torn apart limb by limb, feeding
the hunger of this demons.
Praetor: Bolster the planetary defenses on Remus and prepare the planet-
cracker device. Romulans do NOT surrender and we are not demon-food.
Giltner (fearful): Y-yes, my Praetor.
Praetor: And call Commander Torbog back here, damn you!
* * * * *
"Captain's Log, Stardate 101023.4:
It's been nearly a week now since we saw the Lucky Charm ships enter
the Romulan Neutral Zone. The Federation is suffering heavy casualties from
this war, leaving us open to Romulan attack, but despite this, I can only
hope the Romulans are faring better than we are."
Atkinson: Mon Ping, what can you see?
Wang: Noth-- uh oh...
Atkinson: What? Lucky Charms?
Wang: No...Romulans...a lot of Romulans...
Atkinson turns to the viewscreen and waves to an officer to magnify the image.
Hundreds of Romulan vessels appear at long range. More are joining the large
fleet all the time.
Atkinson: Red Alert! Battle Stations! Contact Starfleet and tell them
we're being invaded by the Romulans.
* * * * *
Torbog sits majestically in the command chair of the lead vessel of the
Romulan fleet, an absolutely HUGE bird-shaped vessel, easily twice as large
as the starship _Croutonprize_. He is lost in thought, though this does
not diminish the devilish look of his pointed features.
Centurion: Commander, we are being hailed.
Torbog: By the Federation vessel? We will answer it with our plasma bolts
soon enough.
Centurion: No, Commander. The Praetor is hailing YOU.
Torbog (getting up): I'll take it in my quarters.
* * * * *
Torbog: Glorious Praetor, we are about to penetrate the Neutral Zone and
take our first prize.
Praetor (ss): Call off the invasion, Torbog, and get back here as quickly as
possible!
Torbog (angered, confused): Why? We can take the Federation easily--
Praetor (ss): The Lucky Charms have landed on Romulus! They are tearing our
population apart. Our comrades have fought long and hard, but they will
not last much longer. I can only fear that Remus is next.
Torbog: This is impossible! Federation intelligence--
Praetor (ss): Federation intelligence warned us of this invasion at the same
time the demons were landing on our homeworlds! There are over 50 ships in
orbit and we can't even lay a hand on them!
Torbog (resolving himself): I understand, Praetor. We will return and repel
the invaders.
* * * * *
"Captain's Log, Stardate 101029.3:
We have not seen any sign of any Romulan vessel since the entire fleet
showed up on our doorstep last week. I can only assume that they were
prepared to take advantage of our own weakness, but at the last minute
discovered the Lucky Charm threat to their own populace. I'm beginning to
doubt that anything can stop the Charms."
Atkinson: Repeat that message. I don't think I believe what I just heard.
Praetor (recorded): To the honored citizens of the United Federation of
Planets, this is the Praetor of the Romulan Star Empire. We are under
siege by alien invaders, the beings you call the Lucky Charms. They have
forced us to destroy Romulus and they have now begun their invasion of
Remus. Our fleet has done their best to repel the invaders, but that
has done little other than anger them. We can not hold out much longer.
Help us. We can no longer let our pride assist in our extinction. PLEASE
HELP US.
Wang: It's bad, isn't it?
Atkinson: It's bad. Forward this message to Admiral Talbot immediately.
* * * * *
Romulus explodes in a brilliant flash that fills the viewscreen of Torbog's
bridge. Most of the Lucky Charm vessels avoid the explosion and immediately
turn toward Remus.
Torbog: Damn. Can NOTHING stop them?
Praetor (entering the bridge): I can only hope that the Federation can
stop them.
Torbog (anger again): What do you mean the Federation?!?
Praetor: The preservation of our race is more important than our territorial
pride. It is time to lay down our differences with the Federation. I have
requested their help.
The various Romulan officers aboard the ship have by this point stopped in
their tracks and simply stare dumbfounded at their leader.
Praetor (sadly): I felt we had no other choice.
THE INVASION CONTINUES...
---------------
Date: Wed, 5 Sep 90 14:25:55 -0600
From: zecca@tramp (Admiral Avenger)
To: junk@typhoon.ucar.EDU
Subject: ST:TCG Part 5 (**LONG**)
Interior of a Borg ship. Millions of Borg line the walls, stored in their
respective slots. Suddenly, a few dozen begin to activate.
Bjorn: Alien vessel detected. Moving to intercept.
* * * * *
The Lucky Charm Commander chuckles throatily.
Commander: What a silly shape for a spacecraft! Take us in, Gerlagch. It's
lunch time!
The blue diamond spacecraft phases back into existence right in front of the
large cube-shaped Borg ship. The Borg ship dwarfs the blue diamond, but not
by really all that much.
Bjorn: I am Bjorn of Borg. Your technology shows significant advancement.
Our culture will not adapt to serve yours. You will surrender your
technology to us or we will destroy you.
Commander: Let's eat!
* * * * *
"Bjorn to Be Wild"
(Part 5 of 10)
Written by Admiral Avenger
Guest stars
Bjorn Borg as Bjorn the Borg
Terry Molloy as the Lucky Charm Commander
Directed by John McEnroe and Jimmy Connors
* * * * *
Borg frantically unplug themselves from slots all over the ship. They begin
to scurry around, when suddenly, dozens of Lucky Charms begin to walk out of
thin air.
Bjorn: High metabolism is irrelevant. Evaluation of your technology shows
significant advantage. Our culture will not adapt to serve yours. You
will surrender your technology to us or we will destroy you.
Lucky Charm: REEAAAARRRGGGGHHHH!!!! (rips the arms off a nearby Borg and
chomps them right down)
Lucky Charms scurry after "defenseless" Borg. Borg fire weapons, Lucky Charms
evade. Lucky Charms move toward Borg, Borg adapt and hit them with
conventional weapons, like drills and so on in their arm attachments. Lucky
Charms then begin to adapt to those weapons and evade them.
Bjorn: We will take your ship by force.
Suddenly, several thousand Borg disappear from their ship...
* * * * *
...and reappear aboard the Lucky Charm vessel.
They begin to take control of the Lucky Charm vessel, or so they think.
Lucky Charm Commander: You Borg are too damn adaptive. And I'm not too
fond of all the iron intake either!
He picks up three Borg and throws them across the room at some of their
counterparts. But the battle is a losing one. His ship is being taken
control of.
The Commander moves desperately toward his command chair, but is dragged
down by several Borg.
Lucky Charm Commander: We must phase. We must phase.
* * * * *
On the Borg ship, the Lucky Charms suddenly stop their feeding frenzy and
step out of existence.
* * * * *
They reappear aboard their own vessel, still surrounded by Borg. They
push through the crowd as a group, picking up their Commander and helping
him to his chair.
Lucky Charm Commander: So long, tin men.
He pushes a lever on his chair and the ship phases out of existence. The
Borg, being too stuck on 3-dimensional thinking, remain in existence and
die without life support in the cold of deep space.
Lucky Charm Commander: We'll be back. Let's concentrate on easier opponents
for now. These Borg won't come rushing in any time soon.
The Lucky Charm vessel moves quickly away from the Borg ship in multi-
dimensions.
* * * * *
Bjorn: We will head for Earth. We will allow the Lucky Charms to weaken
the Federation, and then we will take both cultures by force.
The Borg ship begins moving in the general direction of the Federation and
Earth in particular.
THE INVASION CONTINUES...
---------------
Date: Fri, 7 Sep 90 12:08:41 -0600
From: zecca@tramp (Admiral Avenger)
To: junk@typhoon.ucar.EDU
Subject: ST:TCG Part 6 (**LONG**)
"Report to Klingon High Command:
Lucky Charm vessels have destroyed the outpost at Nurendra Three and
are proceeding toward the homeworld. We have requested Federation support
at Kling and are in pursuit of the Lucky Charms at high warp speed. The
Klingons at the outpost met honorable deaths at the hands of satanic
dishonor. Prepare, brothers, for the battle we Klingons have waited for
over the centuries.
Commander qey'rI, Imperial Starship wil'yum rey'qir"
Commander qey'rI stands with his soldiers, armed to the teeth. Chief Engineer
toqatlh rushes into the transporter room. Commander qey'rI's six foot five
frame dwarfs that of his Chief Engineer.
toqatlh: tujqu'choH QuQ! [The engine is overheating!]
qey'rI: jiSaHbe'! HIjol. [I don't care! Beam me aboard.]
toqatlh: Qo'! [I won't do it.]
qey'rI: Do'Ha'. [That is unfortunate.]
qey'rI picks up toqatlh and throws him onto the transporter. He then
activates the transporter beam himself.
qey'rI: Qapla'! [Success!]
* * * * *
The Klingon boarding party appears in an apparently unused section of the
Lucky Charm vessel. toqatlh picks himself up and draws his disruptor,
looking around frantically. Suddenly a Lucky Charm spots them and rushes
toward them, growling and lapping at its mandibles.
toqatlh: bIjeghbe'chugh vaj bIHegh! [Surrender or die!]
The Lucky Charm stops in its tracks and laughs a huge belly laugh.
Lucky Charm: Silly Klingon! Tricks are for kids!
The Lucky Charm reaches for toqatlh's disruptor arm. He fires, but the
beam passes clean through the Lucky Charm, who phases momentarily out of
existence. The creature then grabs his disruptor and his arm and rips
it clean out of its socket, gulping it down quickly. The other Klingons
draw a variety of personal weapons -- short swords, daggers, and other
bladed weapons -- and begin to take apart the Lucky Charm piece by piece.
Surprised, the creature can do nothing but die at the hands of the warriors.
More Lucky Charms come around the corners, seemingly unstoppable. The
ranking Klingon has no choice but to call his ship.
Klingon: jol yIchu'! jol yIchu'! [Beam us up! Beam us up!]
* * * * *
"Stomach of Indigestion"
(Part 6 of 10)
Written by Admiral Avenger and Zen
Guest stars
Gary Hren as Commander qey'rI
Frank Hren as toqatlh
Special Guest Star
Arnold Schwarzeneggar as the Klingon Emperor
Directed by Jonathan "Zen" Reid
* * * * *
Gretzky: Captain, we're receiving a distress call from the Klingon Starship
_William Riker_.
Captain Crouton pulls himself away from Science Station 3 and walks toward
the main viewscreen.
Crouton: On screen, if you please, Mr. Gretzky.
qey'rI: This is Commander qey'rI. We need your assistance. The Lucky
Charms are on their way to Kling.
Crouton: This is Captain Crouton of the starship _Croutonprize_. We
understand your situation and are on our way to help. (He nods toward
Chuang and Himle, who immediately plot an intercept course.) We have
alerted the Federation Fifth Fleet and they will rendezvous with us at
Qorandrum IV. Can you meet us there as well?
qey'rI: Yes, Captain, but that may be too late.
At this point, Commodore Bradford and Lt. Cdr. Crossfire enter the bridge.
Bradford: Have the Klingon Fleet intercept the Lucky Charms at Qapla XII.
The gravitational dynamics in that region might give you the edge you need
to slow them down.
qey'rI: Thank you, Commodore. I will inform our fleet of the tactic.
Crossfire (to Crouton): Sir, do you have a moment for me?
Crouton (aside): Wait in my Ready Room. (Crossfire leaves) Commander,
do you think Kling will be able to hold out that long?
qey'rI: Klingons are very resourceful. We should make it.
Crouton: All right. Then I shall meet you at Qorandrum IV and we shall
draw up our plans in person. Crouton out.
Himle: Course plotted, Captain. Mr. Chuang is ready for Jolt-Factor 6.
Crouton: Make it Jolt-Factor 8 and engage, Mr. Chuang. [Chops his hand
through the air, hitting Commodore Bradford in the forehead.] Sorry.
I'll be in my Ready Room.
Captain Crouton leaves. Gretzky sees something on his panel and seems to
become very nervous all of a sudden.
Gretzky: Commander Highlander, permission to leave the bridge?
Highlander: For what reason?
Gretzky: Janet's in Sickbay...it's time.
* * * * *
Crouton: Mr. Crossfire, what can I do for you?
Crossfire (standing): I have an idea for a weapons modification I would
like to implement. Specifically, I would be modifying Crouton Torpedo
Tube One to launch a different type of torpedo. If it works, then I
would proceed to modify the other bays.
Crouton (pressing button): Number One. (back to Crossfire as Highlander
enters) How will this affect continued functioning of Torpedo Tube One?
Crossfire: Unfortunately, I estimate that it will have to be completely
shut down for three solar days. After that, it will function normally.
Highlander: I'm not sure I like the idea of being without one of our main
torpedo tubes for three days, especially considering our situation...
Crossfire: It is precisely *because* of our situation that I wish to
implement the change. It might be the one weapon we could use against
the Lucky Charms at Kling.
Crouton (pressing button): Lt. Chuang, what is our ETA at Qorandrum IV?
Chuang (ic): 15.7 hours at current speed.
Crouton: Go to work, Mr. Crossfire. Do you require any additional help
or materials?
Crossfire: No, sir, I don't think so.
Crouton nods, and Crossfire turns to leave.
Highlander: Commander, I will expect a progress report from you every
ten hours.
Crossfire (turning): Of course, Commander. (he leaves)
Highlander (crossing his arms): I don't F***ing believe this.
Crouton: Now, now, Number One. His military genius is on record. He's
just the kind of person we need right now.
Highlander: Harumph. (pause) By the way, Mr. Gretzky left for Sickbay.
Crouton (shocked): Why? Is he ill?
Highlander: His wife's in labor.
* * * * *
Captain Crouton enters Sickbay to the tune of a baby crying. He looks
around a little until he finds the maternity ward.
Icefalcon (washing up): They're both doing fine.
Crouton: That is good. Tell Mr. Gretzky I'd like to see him when he has
a moment.
Icefalcon: All right. (pause) Not bad for my first delivery.
* * * * *
A dark room on the surface of Kling. Klingon soldiers in full battle dress
line the walls. They carry disruptor rifles, ceremonial (or are they?) swords,
as well as several other personal weapons each. A large Klingon in armor
covered with decorations enters followed by several other grizzled Klingons
of high rank.
Emperor: Evacuate the women and children. I know how much they wish to
participate in our defense, but I am more afraid of how much of a burden
they will become in the heat of battle.
Admiral qonaH: Preparations are already underway. The First and Third
Fleets have taken up parking orbits near Qapla and await the Lucky
Charms. The Fourth Fleet will join the Federation forces at Qorandrum
in a few hours.
Emperor: Excellent. What about Romulan incursion? They made an attempt
to use the Federation's weakness against them a few weeks ago. Will
they make such an attempt against us?
Admiral qolagh: The Second Fleet is positioned along the Romulan border.
All has been quiet since the attempt against the Federation.
Emperor: All right. Then we simply sit and wait.
The Emperor climbs up to his throne. He picks up his favorite sword and
begins to sharpen it absent-mindedly. He pulls a small rod from his armor,
lights it, and begins to puff away.
Dr. malaH: Your Majesty...you know how harmful Rigellian slagweed is
for your heart.
Emperor (fire in his eyes): Yes, I do, Doctor. But sometimes it is the
only way to get a sufficient break from the burdens of the Imperial Throne.
* * * * *
"Captain's Log, Stardate 101042.3:
We are approaching Qorandrum IV, where we are due to rendezvous with
the Federation Fifth Fleet and the Klingon Fourth Fleet over the next few
hours. The Klingon Starship _William Riker_ is already in orbit."
Captain Crouton enters Croutonizer Room 2 in full dress uniform. Highlander
is already waiting, resplendent in his dress jacket, kilt, and katana.
Crouton: All right, Mr. Taubman. You may bring them aboard.
Admiral T'Lilith suddenly enters the Croutonizer Room, dressed in Klingon
battle armor. Crouton and Highlander each raise an eyebrow in response.
Commander qey'rI, his first officer, and his security officer appear on
the pads of Croutonizer 2.
Crouton (extending his hand): Commander qey'rI, I am--
qey'rI moves past Crouton to T'Lilith.
qey'rI: nuqneH, t'lilit. [Hello, T'Lilith.]
T'Lilith (blushing green): bIpIvHa'law'. [You look terrible.]
qey'rI: Well, I am lucky to be alive. How have you been?
T'Lilith: I have been well. It's been a long time.
Crouton (carefully): Apparently you know the Commander, Admiral.
T'Lilith: We are... (looking briefly into qey'rI's eyes) ...old friends.
Crouton (nodding): Aaaah. Well, Commander. We have many plans to make.
qey'rI (suddenly businesslike): Yes, Captain. We do. Shall we...?
* * * * *
Highlander stands impatiently with his arms crossed in the Torpedo Bay One.
Highlander: Well???
Crossfire crawls out from under machinery in Torpedo Tube One. He is
covered in dirt, grease, and sweat.
Crossfire: It's coming along, Commander. Just give me some time. (He
turns back to his work.)
Highlander: We don't have much f***ing time! There's a war going on--
Crossfire turns, facing Highlander full, glowering.
Crossfire: I haven't forgotten, ... _sir_.
Highlander: Oh, really? (pause)
Crossfire: Permission to speak freely, sir?
Highlander: Denied. If I wanted a symposium, I'd call in the Kunz. All
I want to know is whether or not you can fini--
Crossfire (very angry and shouting): WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM???
Highlander (angry, but retaining control): What was that, Commander?
Crossfire: What is your problem with me?!? Ever since I came aboard,
you've given me a hard time at every turn. You won't let me work in peace,
nothing I do is up to your standards...what is your problem?
Highlander: You want to know what's wrong, do you? Well, for starters, you
don't follow procedure on ANYthing. You keep others in the dark about
what the F*** you're doing. You are certain of yourself to the point of
arrogance. You never leave yourself room for error...
Crossfire (pointing at Highlander, standing nose-to-nose with him): You are
the *only* one in Starfleet who thinks so. All this s*** is very inter-
esting, but you're just picking nits. Now, why don't you tell me what
the real problem is?
Highlander: Mister, you're overstepping your bounds. I suggest--
Crossfire (exasperated): What the f*** is your problem?
Highlander stops, keeping his emotions in check. After getting his thoughts
under control, he finally opens his mouth.
Highlander: All right...you're threatening my job.
Crossfire (astonished): What?
Highlander: I've seen your type before. You get lucky a few times and
confuse that with skill. So does everyone else and you climb the ladder
and reach positions like mine before you're ready for it.
Crossfire (shaking his head): Commander, I never wanted your job. I don't
even want command rank.
Highlander: I don't think I can believe that.
Crossfire (angry again): Believe what you want, Commander.
Highlander: How long, Mister?
Crossfire: Eight more hours, _sir_.
Highlander: I hope you're right.
Highlander turns to leave, but Crossfire speaks as he reaches the door.
Crossfire: Commander?
Highlander stops and turns.
Crossfire (almost smiling): I still know what I'm doing.
Highlander nods faintly, then turns and leaves.
* * * * *
Crouton: Mr. Gretzky, I appreciate your presence here, but you do not need--
Gretzky: Captain, I know that paternity leave is common at times like this,
but I think that the ship...and the Federation...need my expertise more
at the moment.
Crouton: Your loyalty is noted, Mr. Gretzky. (turning to all) Well, why
don't we get started?
Crouton, T'Lilith, qey'rI and his aides, Counselor Neon, Gretzky, and
Commodore Bradford are seated around the conference room table. Highlander
suddenly rushes in, still in his kilt and dress uniform.
Highlander: Sorry I'm late. Crossfire estimates at least another eight
hours of work on that torpedo tube.
Crouton notices that the edge has diminished slightly from Highlander's
voice when talking about Crossfire. Crouton smiles.
Crouton: Okay. Commander qey'rI, the Federation Fifth Fleet is more than
willing to help defend our friends, the Klingons, from attack. What plan
of attack do you suggest?
qey'rI: Simple. We hit them hard and we hit them fast. We show no mercy
and we destroy them as quickly as possible.
Bradford: You'll find, Commander qey'rI, that that is easier said than done.
Gretzky: The Lucky Charms appear to be invulnerable to our weapons, but
they seem to be quite vulnerable to arcane weaponry. Perhaps there is
a way to use this to our advantage.
Quton: Our boarding party found luck with simple swords and knives, but
disruptors seemed useless.
T'Lilith: Chris...I had forgotten to yet mention...we may have discovered
a possible anti-Charm toxin.
Crouton: For use in what way?
T'Lilith: Well, simply put, I'm talking we may have found a poison that
works against them. However, I would need to test it on a live subject
before I would know. Work in the biological warfare front is still
progressing slowly, and the ethical question is still strong.
qey'rI: Can you supply us with some of this toxin, t'lilit? My men could
dip their bladed weapons in it before entering into face-to-face combat.
Crouton: That is a good idea. Perhaps we can get on to the Klingon High
Command and to Star Fleet with this information as well.
T'Lilith: I'll contact both immediately. (to qey'rI) And you can pick
up a supply of the toxin from my lab in about an hour.
qey'rI (smiling): All right. (to all) Now, what about--?
Himle (ic): Captain, we're being hailed by the Klingon fleet at Qapla.
qey'rI: Status?
Himle (ic): Heavy casualties to the Klingon forces and the Lucky Charms
have broken through and are on their way to Kling.
Crouton: Yellow alert. Prepare to warp out.
Bradford: Signal all ships -- prepare to leave for Kling at maximum speed.
qey'rI: I should get back to my ship, Captain. (to T'Lilith) We part
again...
T'Lilith (suddenly businesslike): I'll have the toxin beamed aboard your
ship when it's ready. Let's get to work.
THE INVASION CONTINUES...
---------------
Date: Wed, 12 Sep 90 00:07:22 -0600
From: zecca@tramp (Mr. Phlegm)
To: junk@typhoon.ucar.EDU
Subject: ST:TCG Part 7 (** LONG **)
"Captain's Log, Stardate 101042.7:
We are en route to the Klingon homeworld, where Lucky Charm vessels
are massing. Commodore Bradford and I are leading a combined Federation-
Klingon fleet in. I just hope we can be the cavalry they will need.
Hopefully, Crossfire's modification to Torpedo Tube One will be done in
time and will give us the upper hand at Kling."
Highlander: F***.
Gretzky: They beat us here. Zen counts forty-seven ships in orbit, but
there may be more...
* * * * *
[ Electric guitar building in background. First note to "Wild Thing" struck
as the turbolift doors open and Commander qey'rI enters his bridge.]
Navigator: chay' jura'? [What are your orders?]
qey'rI: chuyDaH! So'wI' yIchu'! [Thrusters! Engage the cloaking device!]
Navigator (fingers flying): pItlh. [Done.]
qey'rI (under his breath): luq'Iy charmS. Qu'vatlh!
* * * * *
"Where the Wild Things Are"
(Part 7 of 10)
Written by Admiral Avenger and Zen
Guest star
Gary Hren as Commander qey'rI
Special Guest Star
Arnold Schwarzeneggar as the Klingon Emperor
Directed by Karim "Highlander" Farah
* * * * *
Lucky Charms begin to materialize all over the surface of Kling. The few
Klingons in the streets draw their swords and charge the beasts. Several
Lucky Charms are struck down, but sheer numbers dictate their futility as
Lucky Charms gobble down Klingon after Klingon.
In the Imperial Throne Room, the Emperor sits thoughtfully with his sword,
smoking again. He coughs a deep ragged cough, then returns to his thought.
A young Klingon soldier rushes into the hall.
Emperor: qaja'pu' HiqaghQo'! [I told you not to interrupt me!]
Klingon: But, Your Majesty, there are Lucky Charms outside!
Emperor (rising): So it is time...
Suddenly, a dozen Lucky Charms phase into the room, two very near the
Emperor. The Emperor and his guards charge forward, swords and bayonettes
ready to strike.
Emperor (swinging): Die, demons!
* * * * *
The bridge of the Croutonprize is bathed by the warm glow of the red lighting
of battle stations. Wankoid taps furiously at a keyboard.
Crouton: Shields and deflectors to maximum. Load torpedo bays and lock
phasers on target. Signal to all ships that we're going in.
Gretzky: Sir, Torpedo Tube One is not responding.
Highlander: F***. I knew we shouldn't have let him mess with it.
Crouton: Calm yourself, Number One. We still have Torpedo Tubes available.
Crossfire enters from the main turbolift and begins work at the weapons
station alongside Gretzky.
Crossfire: It will work, sir. Trust me. I just need to feed in the new
command program.
The lights dim briefly, then come back up.
* * * * *
Missy looks up from her warp drive control panel in Engineering.
Midzor: God damn it!
* * * * *
Highlander: Crossfire, what the hell are you doing?
Crouton: At ease, Number One. Open hailing frequencies.
Soraya notices Wankoid swear twice under his breath in Yoyboqian before
typing frantically again.
Gretzky: Open, sir.
Crouton: This is Captain Christopher L. Crouton of the Federation starship
_Croutonprize_. We order you to withdraw from Kling and return to your
own galaxy or to the nearest convenient parallel dimension.
Gretzky: No response.
A green clover pulls out of orbit and moves toward the _Croutonprize_.
Himle (at Gretzky): Then what do you call THAT?
Crossfire: ETA forty seconds.
Crouton: Evasive. Hard port, forty degrees positive pitch.
Chuang's hands fly smoothly across the panel. The _Croutonprize_ slices
away from the oncoming green clover, which follows, gaining.
Highlander: Aft torpedoes, full spread.
The _Croutonprize_ fires three torpedoes, all of which simply pass through
the Lucky Charm vessel as it interphases.
Crossfire: Torpedo Bay One is ready -- but ONLY Bay One.
Crouton: In other words, we're going to have to turn and face that ship
head-on.
Highlander: You've got to be f***ing kidding.
Crouton: All stop, 180 degree turn. Mr. Crossfire, do your stuff.
Highlander: Sir, I don't think this is a wise move right now--
The stars twirl past as the _Croutonprize_ spins around, facing a rapidly
approaching green clover.
Gretzky: ETA 30 seconds.
Crossfire: We'll be in range in twenty.
Crouton: This weapon doesn't have much range, does it?
Crossfire: Unfortunately no, sir.
Highlander (sitting down forcefully): S***.
Gretzky: Fifteen seconds.
Ghiasi: Wait, what's that?
* * * * *
qey'rI: wIy cha'! [Tactical display!]
Helm: lu' qaH! [Yes, sir!]
* * * * *
qey'rI's ship decloaks just behind the Lucky Charm vessel.
Crouton: Fire at will, Mr. Crossfire.
Torpedo Tube One emits a flash, followed by a Plasma Penetrating Round
propelled through space and impacting the surface of the Lucky Charm vessel,
which erupts in a bright flash. The green clover remains, but appears
wounded. Before any of the crew even have time to react, the Klingon
vessel unloads everything into the Lucky Charm vessel. Three Crouton
Torpedoes impact successfully. The following disruptor fire causes the
ship to explode brilliantly.
Highlander: F***. It worked.
Wankoid: But I don't think Zen will be too much longer.
The lights dim again, taking about fifteen seconds before recovering.
* * * * *
Midzor: I don't have time for this right now!
* * * * *
Crouton: What do you mean?
Wankoid: I think we have a Lucky Charm computer virus in the system. I'm
going to have to shut down Zen for a while, wipe his memory and reboot.
Highlander: We don't have time for that right now. Can't you keep us
running a bit longer?
Wankoid: I don't know.
* * * * *
In the Imperial Throne Room, the Klingons rest momentarily over the bodies
of the Lucky Charms they have slain.
Emperor: Her toxin appears to have worked. Inform Admiral t'lilit of her
success.
Five more Lucky Charms appear at the end of the hall.
* * * * *
Gretzky: Klingon High Command reports success with Admiral T'Lilith's toxin.
Crouton: All right! So now we have a weapon that works against them on
the ground and another that works against them in space.
Ghiasi: Incoming Lucky Charms.
A red heart and a yellow moon break off toward the _Croutonprize_.
Highlander: They're getting smarter.
Crouton: Mr. Chuang, hold tight, but prepare for a 180 degree turn on my mark.
Mr. Crossfire, are you ready?
Crossfire: As soon as they're in range...
The Lucky Charm vessels move quickly. When they are nearly on top of the
_Croutonprize_, Crossfire fires a PPR at the red heart, which flashes
brightly and comes to a halt. The yellow moon continues past the
_Croutonprize_, arcing into a wide turn in an attempt to hit from behind.
Gretzky: Intruder alert. Lucky Charms on the ship.
Crouton: Mr. Chuang, 180 degree turn now.
The ship's lights dim again. They don't come up.
Chuang: Captain, the ship's not responding.
Wankoid: Gaggledybarf! (types frantically)
Himle: They're nearly turned now.
* * * * *
In the main computer room, Missy enters, carrying a flashlight which pierces
the darkened room. She approaches Zen's main console. She gives it a
good kick. The lights suddenly come back up.
Midzor (to the audience): Well, you never know.
Suddenly, a Lucky Charm leaps at Missy from a corner of the room.
* * * * *
Crouton: Chuang, now!
The ship lurches violently as Chuang spins the ship 180 degrees in a high
speed turn, just in time to face the oncoming yellow moon.
Crossfire: Firing.
Another PPR leaps from the _Croutonprize_ and strikes successfully at the
oncoming Lucky Charm vessel. Gretzky then follows with continuous phaser
fire and Crouton torpedo spreads at both ships until they both erupt in
flame.
* * * * *
Missy turns to see the hideous Lucky Charm about to grab her. Suddenly,
it's head falls off and lands at her feet, its body then slumping to the
ground.
Midzor: What the hell?
Lt. Rhee Savan steps forward, bloodied sword in hand.
Savan (to the audience): So, I've been taking lessons from our first
officer. (to Missy) Now let's see if we can get Zen functioning again.
* * * * *
"Captain's Log, Stardate 101043.4:
Lt. Cdr. Gretzky and his troops are assisting the Klingon army in
mopping up the remaining Lucky Charms and rebuilding the damaged capital
city of Kling. For now, though, the tide appears to have turned. We
managed to destroy 25 of the Lucky Charm vessels before they broke orbit
and ran. Lt. Cdr. Crossfire is to be commended for his ingenious torpedo
tube modifications, which I intend to suggest as standard issue on Fleet
ships for the remainder of this war. Admiral T'Lilith's toxin also appears
to be the weapon that gave our friends the Klingons advantage on the ground.
Perhaps we can win this war after all."
Counselor Neon: You wanted to see me, Janet?
Janet Gretzky (cradling her baby, lying in bed in Sickbay): Yes, Counselor.
Neon: What's wrong?
Janet Gretzky: I...I... (tears well up in her eyes) I'm afraid.
Neon: Of what?
Janet Gretzky: That my baby isn't going to have a father. That Wayne is
going to get himself killed one of these days. That...
Neon: The natural dangers of a Star Fleet Security Chief. Spouses of
police officers still have the same reactions on planets where crime is
still a problem. You're not alone.
Janet Gretzky (crying): What can I do? What can I do?
Icefalcon: For now, you need rest. You've still got to recover from labor.
Neon: Be honest with Wayne. Tell him how you really feel. Let him know
what you really want. And let him know you still care.
Janet Gretzky: All right. (wiping her tears) Thank you, Counselor.
* * * * *
Captain Crouton and Commodore Bradford wait in Croutonizer Room 3 in full
dress uniform. Admiral T'Lilith suddenly rushes in, again dressed in full
Klingon battle armor, as the Emperor, Commander qey'rI, and several of the
Emperor's aides materialize.
Crouton: Your Majesty, welcome to the starship _Croutonprize_.
Emperor: Captain Crouton, Commodore Bradford, it is an honor. (moves
forward to T'Lilith) Admiral t'lilit, you have served your people
well. (pulls something from his pocket)
T'Lilith: The Medal of Valor?
Emperor (pinning it to her armor): You deserve reward for your efforts.
qey'rI smiles at her.
Crouton: Would you care for a tour of the ship, sir?
Emperor: I would indeed.
* * * * *
Crouton, the Emperor, and the rest of the group enter the bridge from
the main turbolift. All the officers stand out of respect.
Emperor: At ease. (to Crouton) You have a fine crew and a fine ship.
All of the gossip in the Fleet is quite true.
Crouton: Thank you, Your Majesty.
Emperor: Where is Lt. Cdr. Crossfire?
Crossfire steps forward from the tactical station, where he was improving
the PPR firing program.
Crossfire: I am Crossfire.
The Emperor pulls something else from inside his cloak.
Emperor: For your assistance, ingenuity, and bravery in defending the
Klingon Empire, I hereby award you with the Seal of qey'lIS.
Highlander's head slowly turns from the command area toward Crossfire.
Crossfire (not fully appreciating the level of this honor): Thank you, sir.
qey'rI: This is the highest honor in the Klingon Empire. No non-Klingon
has ever been so honored.
Crossfire: Oh. *Thank* you, Your Majesty.
Crossfire notices Highlander staring at him.
Highlander: Congratulations, Mister Crossfire.
The Emperor draws out another slagweed rod, lights it, puffs twice, and
leaves the bridge with his entourage.
T'Lilith: Can I walk you to the Croutonizer?
qey'rI: lu'. (Okay.)
* * * * *
Inside the secondary turbolift, qey'rI and T'Lilith stand quietly. They both
look away from one another.
qey'rI: Congratulations on your engagement.
T'Lilith (uneasily): Thank you.
qey'rI: You and the Admiral should be quite happy together.
T'Lilith: If I can get him to pull himself away from his job for a while.
qey'rI: I expect to be invited to the wedding.
T'Lilith (looking at qey'rI, grinning): Or what?
qey'rI turns toward her with an evil smile.
qey'rI: qaStaHvIS wa' ram loS SaD Hugh SIjlaH qetbogh loD. [Four thousand
throats can be cut in one night by a running man.]
T'Lilith: boch ghichraj. [Your nose is shiny.]
The turbolift doors open at the Croutonizer level.
qey'rI: touche'. batlh Daqawlu'taH. [You will be remembered with honor.]
T'Lilith opens her hand in a familiar gesture made popular by Leonard Nimoy.
T'Lilith: Live long and prosper, my friend.
qey'rI nods in response and steps out of the lift and walks away. The
turbolift doors.
AND THE INVASION CONTINUES...
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