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STAR TREK: THE CROUTON GENERATION
SEASON TWO
Episodes #26 - 29
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 24 Oct 90 00:51:38 -0600
From: zecca@tramp (Admiral Avenger)
To: junk@typhoon.ucar.EDU
Subject: ST:TCG **ALL NEW EPISODE**
"Captain's Log, Stardate 101194.3:
The _Croutonprize_ has entered a peculiar system which has shown signs
of a higher-than-normal density of high-energy subatmoic particles. For
example, the muon-to-electron ratio is NOT negligible in this part of the
Large Magellanic Cloud. Even more curious is the third planet of the system,
which seems to be supporting a full and rich ecology, even under these
conditions."
Avenger: Thanks for letting us come along for the ride, as it were.
T'Lilith: It was getting a bit cramped in the _Rampage_ and it will still
be several weeks until they have the Starbase ready for habitation.
Crouton: You're always welcome aboard the _Croutonprize_, Admirals. Perhaps
you can help us solve this riddle of the muons.
Avenger: Muons, eh? (He smiles and begins to stroke his beard, which is
beginning to grow back after its short disappearance during the Invasion.)
Highlander walks down from Tactical (where he was talking to Gretzky).
Highlander (low volume): Captain, I think this would be a good time to
begin testing our candidates for Second Officer.
Crouton: Good idea. Who should go first?
Highlander: Well, it seems like a scientific mission. Ghiasi or Midzor.
Crouton (speaking up): Lt. Cdr. Ghiasi, form an Away Team to study the
problem of the high muon density?
Soraya stops what she is doing, pauses, then gets up and turns around to
face the captain's chair.
Ghiasi: Me?... May I ask why?
Highlander: No. Get your Away Team together and get moving, Commander.
Ghiasi (shaking her head): All right... (pause) I think I'll need Jez
for security, Parker, Himle, and Runaway Daemon.
Avenger: Interesting selection, Commander. Care to comment?
Ghiasi: Simple enough mission...I figure I'll get some people onto Away
Team duty that don't normally see it...keep them in practice.
Crouton: I will expect a full report, Commander.
Soraya nods and moves toward the turbolift. Himle pulls out of the Ops
station and walks up the ramp as Jez follows Soraya into the lift.
* * * * *
"Riddle of the Muons"
Written by Admiral Avenger
Guest stars
Brian Ridley as The Riddler
Directed by Tim Lynch (r.a.s net.personality)
* * * * *
The away team beams into a peaceful enough meadow in a beautiful valley.
Deerlike animals graze at the edge of a nearby pond and look up at the
newcomers, surprised but unthreatened.
Ghiasi: All right. We want as many plant and animal scans as possible,
and we should also look to geological and atmospheric effects as well.
Matt, you take the plant scans.
Himle (rolling his eyes): Oh, joy.
Ghiasi: Susan, take the animal life scans.
Parker: Will do. (pulls out her tricorder and begins)
Ghiasi: Jez, you be a good kitty and keep an eye out for danger. I'll
concentrate on the geophysical effects. Daemon, I'd like you to consider
the muon problem in more depth.
Daemon: I'll definitely have to think about this one for a while...
The landing party fans out across the meadow, though Jez tends to hover
somewhere near Soraya at all times.
* * * * *
The ships rocks. Lights begin beeping and flashing. Captain Crouton's
root beer bottle tips over, but stops in mid-air.
Fizzix Dude snaps his fingers again and the bottle returns to its original
position.
Zen: < RED ALERT > < RED ALERT > We're having a red alert. < RED ALERT >
Crouton: What was that?
Gretzky: Uuuh..
SMASH! The ship rocks again.
Gretzky: It looks like some sort of a pulsed muon neutrino beam, Captain.
Crouton: Heavily amplified no doubt. (taps panel) Missy, can you give
us more power to shields.
BOOM! The ship rocks again. Crouton holds the chair to steady himself.
Midzor (ic): Shields wouldn't help you. These muon beams are too high
energy. They'd go right through our shields.
Highlander: F***! Gretzky, get me the landing party.
Gretzky: Sir, I can't seem to make contact.
WHACK! This one is really strong. Gretzky is flipped completely over the
tactical station railing. Captain Crouton leaps out of the way and lands
on his stomach between the Con and Ops stations. Gretzky completes the
flip and lands perfectly in the Captain's Chair.
Gretzky: Wow. So this is what it feels like.
Captain Crouton gets up, brushes himself off, snatches the root beer bottle
hovering in the air next to him, and turns toward Gretzky. Gretzky sits
there a second, then realizes where he is. He gets up hurriedly.
Gretzky: Excuse me, Captain.
Highlander: Why can't you make contact with the landing party? Are the
beams intefering? Is somebody jamming the F***ing things?
Gretzky: No, they're just not answering.
* * * * *
Soraya opens her eyes. She checks to make sure they are open. Yes.
It is just very dark in the room. She tugs at the restraints, but can't
free herself.
Ghiasi: Curious. That feels like coaxial cables wrapped around my wrists.
The lights suddenly come on, temporarily blinding her. All around the room,
the rest of the Away Team are similarly tied up with coaxial cables and other
peculiar pieces of electronics. Jez th Wonder Kitty meows furiously and
claws at his restraints.
Her eyes adjust to the light and she sees a figure huddled in the corner,
looking at instrumentation, then fiddling with switches.
Ghiasi: Who are you? Why have you taken us prisoner?
The Riddler turns around, flips his glasses up to his forehead, and speaks.
The Riddler: Oh, uhm, don't get so, oh, excited, Soraya. Um, I will be,
oh, um, needing your, um, assistance, um, yes, to complete a new, um,
experiment, oh, um, yes.
Himle: Why have you come to this galaxy? Don't you belong on DPG-214?
The Riddler: Oh, uhm, what? Oh, well, um, I left Professor, um, Love
in charge of, eh, DPG-214 so that, um, I could, eh, get some peace and,
um, work on some of my projects, oh, um, yes.
Ghiasi (rolling her eyes): Great.
Soraya's communicator chirps. She can't reach it. It chirps again. She
can't reach it.
The Riddler: I could, um, trim that with, eh, a few, um, picofarads of,
oh, capacitance...
Jez: Meow! MEOW! MROW! [Stay the hell away from her.]
* * * * *
BOOM! The ship shudders again. T'Lilith hugs Avenger to keep from falling.
He loses his balance and she falls on top of him. They stand back up and
both perform the Picard Manuever -- very obviously.
Kessner (filling in for Himle at Ops): Captain, I've located the source of
the beams. Detecting life forms...
Gretzky (back at tactical): Four humans, one feline,...and SOMEthing else...
Crouton: See if you can hail that SOMEthing, Mr. Gretzky.
Gretzky: WE are being hailed, Captain.
Crouton: On screen, if you please. (puts down his root beer, stands up)
This is Captain Crouton of the Federation starship _Croutonprize_.....
The Riddler (ss): Yes, I, um, knew that...
Highlander: The Riddler?! F***!
Neon: Commander, I notice that you're becoming very tense lately.
The Riddler (ss): So, um, what do you, eh, think of the muon beam? Oh,
I don't, um, have it perfected, um, yet.
Crouton: Oh, just wonderful. Where is my Away Team and what right do
you have to be firing on my ship?
The Riddler (ss, absent-mindedly): Oh, umm... (searches around for more
spare parts...flips off the communications channel in the process)
Highlander: Gretzky, form another Away Team and...
Avenger: Belay that order. Chris. (wiggles his finger indicating Crouton
should come up to the back of the bridge)
Crouton (quietly, once he gets up there): Yes, Admiral.
Avenger (quietly): Crossfire and I could fix this in no time. Why don't
you let us give it a try?
Gretzky: General Order 15 -- no flag officer shall beam into a hazardous
situation without suitable armed escort.
T'Lilith: The Admiral is well aware of the regulations, Mr. Gretzky.
Avenger: And that's why I suggested Crossfire join me.
* * * * *
In Croutonizer Room 2, Avenger checks out a phaser and tricorder while
waiting for Crossfire. As he sets the phaser to stun, Crossfire enters
with his bow slung over his shoulder and an Italian Beretta 9mm hanging
at his belt.
Crossfire: What's the plan, Admiral?
Avenger: We go in, we rescue the Away Team, we come home. Simple enough?
They climb onto the Croutonizer pads. Avenger keeps his phaser unholstered.
Crossfire: You think it will be that easy?
Avenger (narrowing eyes menacingly): Trust me. I know what I'm doing.
* * * * *
Crossfire and Avenger beam right into the middle of the Riddler's workroom.
The Riddler is busy with equipment on the other side of the room. Crossfire
notices the Away Team in the next room and moves to release them.
The Riddler: Oh, um...what is, eh, wrong? The, eh, muons are living much,
um, longer than they, oh, should.
Avenger: Silly Riddler, tricks are for Kunz.
The Riddler whirls to face Avenger, but Avenger has his phaser up and ready.
The Riddler: Oh, um, this is, eh, no good. Um, Tektronik, eh, 'Scopes...
um, kill.
Several oscilloscopes begin to move toward the Admiral as if they have a
life of their own. Avenger fires his phaser at an oncoming 'scope. It
bounces harmlessly off of an energy shield the 'scope throws up.
Avenger: Aw, hell! You bought these from the Borg, didn't you?
The Riddler: Um, no. They, oh, um, *are* Borg, oh, um, yes.
BANG! A thundering noise echoes through the room and an oscilloscope
shatters. Avenger and the Riddler both look over to see Crossfire standing
in the doorway, Beretta raised and smoking. The Away Team stand behind him,
plugging their ears.
The Riddler: Oh, um, eh, uhm, oh, uhm, mmm... (Goes out a side door.)
BANG! BANG! BANG! Crossfire takes out a few more 'scopes, then they begin
to adapt. Avenger taps his communicator.
Avenger: Taubman, seven to beam up.
* * * * *
Later, in Ten Forward, T'Lilith and Avenger are seated at a table looking
into one another's eyes (and unbeknownst to everyone else, carrying on a
highly intellectual conversation via mind meld). Crouton and Crossfire
approach from different directions simultaneously to join them.
Crouton: Pardon me, Admirals.
The Admirals hesitate a moment, then break their glance, though they
giggle for a moment as they do.
Crossfire: The captain and I have been wondering...how did you KNOW you
would throw a monkeywrench into the Riddler's machinery?
Avenger: Crossfire, do you remember the day we toured the student labs
at the Academy.
Crossfire: Yes.
Avenger: Do you remember the students' complaints every time I came near?
Crossfire: They thought the lifetime of the muons suddenly became quite a
bit longer for no apparent reason.
Crouton: So you assumed the same thing would happen to the Riddler's
equipment if you were in close proximity.
Avenger: Well...not...exactly.
Avenger smiles and leaves 'em wondering.
----------------
From: bryant@husc9.harvard.edu (Katherine 'Kabeta' Bryant)
To: junk@cyclone.ucar.EDU
Subject: ST:TCG
On the next....oh, you know the rest:
"Does This Make Sense?"
The Feldman captures Captain Kabeta and forces her to do a problem set due
the day of an exam. Will she be able to figure out time development of
states and the Feldman's changes of notation in time, or will Scribonia the
Illegible have to take over the command of the Heisenberg? Will Scribonia's
wrists allow her to run the ship while Kabeta is captive? As the quarks (
(Lt. JG Iluvanna's name for the crew) fight to survive!!
----------------
Date: Fri, 26 Oct 90 02:26:50 -0600
From: zecca@tramp (Admiral Avenger)
To: junk@typhoon.ucar.EDU
Subject: ST:TCG Episode
"Captain's Log, Stardate 101206.5:
We are about to move through the Pilzberighe Void, a region believed
devoid of stellar objects and surrounded by thick gas clouds. It is quite
dark in this region as no starlight can penetrate through the clouds. Our
mission is to see if there IS anything inside AND to determine whether it
is a safe route of travel for our ships in the future."
Crouton and Highlander sit in the Captain's Ready Room.
Crouton: Well, who's our next candidate?
Highlander: How about Crossfire?
Crouton: All right. (taps panel) Lt. Cdr. Crossfire, report to the bridge.
Highlander: Why don't you go on ahead to bed? I'll take care of everything.
Crouton: Fine. Thank you, Number One.
Crouton leaves. Highlander returns to the bridge, just as Crossfire arrives.
Crossfire: Reporting to the bridge, AS ORDERED, sir.
Highlander: Are you familiar with the mission at hand?
Crossfire: Quite. I keep myself apprised of ALL situations, sir.
Highlander: Good. Take the conn. The captain will relieve you at about
0600 hours. (Highlander walks toward a turbolift.)
Crossfire: Uh, Commander...I--
Highlander: Those are your orders, Mr. Crossfire. (Doors shut.)
Crossfire stands for a moment, flustered, then eases himself into the
captain's chair. He does NOT "get into it" and feels very uncomfortable.
He stands back up and walks toward the Con and Ops positions.
Crossfire: Mr. Kessner, are we ready to enter the Void?
Kessner: ETA 17 minutes, current speed.
Crossfire: Harumph. All right. Keep me apprised. (Walks to tactical)
* * * * *
His alarm has been going off for 77 minutes. It is now 0917 ship's time.
Dave Kindig rolls over, sees the clock, and freaks. He jumps up, throws
on his uniform, and runs toward the door.
Kindig: Missy wanted me to start that warp field diagnostic program twenty
minutes ago! Man, am I going to be in for it.
He runs into the corridor...which is quite empty. No officers, no children.
Nobody. He continues running to a turbolift. After a while, he notices the
silence.
Kindig: This is weird.
* * * * *
"Remember Us?"
Written by Admiral Avenger
Guest stars
Ahmad Rashad as Wonder Cat
Directed by Katherine "Kabeta" Bryant
* * * * *
Kindig taps his communicator while in the turbolift on the way to main
Engineering.
Kindig: Kindig to Midzor. (pause) Kindig to Midzor. (pause) Hmm, maybe
she's just mad at me and isn't answering.
The lift stops at main Engineering. He walks out into the room, finding
it quite empty, except for these little piles of what look like freeze-dried
Folgers' Crystals.
Kindig: Where *is* everybody?
He gets back into the turbolift.
* * * * *
He steps onto the bridge. It is dimly lit and is empty as well, except for
the Folgers' Crystals.
Kindig: Zen, where is everyone?
Zen: They're dead, Dave.
Kindig: Everyone?
Zen: They're dead, Dave. Everybody's dead, Dave.
Kindig: Missy?
Zen: She's dead, Dave. Everybody's dead, Dave.
Kindig: Captain Crouton?
Zen: He's dead, Dave. Everybody's dead, Dave.
Kindig: Even Crossfire?
Zen: He's DEAD, Dave. EVERYbody's DEAD, Dave.
Kindig: How long have they been dead?
Zen: 4 million, 227 thousand, 432 years, 10 months, 25--
Kindig: 4 million YEARS?
Zen: Yes, Dave. Your cabin was protected by a stasis field that was
accidentally left on. I kept it on until the radiation settled down to
acceptable levels.
Kindig: So I've been asleep all this time?
Zen: No, Dave. I released the stasis field at what was 0615 your time.
You overslept your alarm clock after I cut off the stasis field.
Kindig: Oh...Wait...If everybody's dead, does that mean I'm in command?
Zen: Well...not exactly, Dave.
Kindig: What do you mean?
Zen: Go to Holodeck 2.
* * * * *
"Captain's Log, Supplemental. Lt. Cdr. Crossfire reporting:
We have been moving through this Void for over an hour and it is
boring as hell. If I don't find some action soon, I may have to kill
somebody. Oh, wait. Somebody at the science station is trying to tell
me something. How do I shut this goddamn thing--"
Parker: There is definitely something out there, Commander.
Crossfire: Magnify, times 100.
A tiny black dot appears in the middle of the black of space.
Crossfire: Increase magnification by 1000.
We see the image of a Dyson sphere sitting alone in the void.
Parker: That's maximum magnification, sir.
Crossfire: Full scan. Tell me what the hell it's doing there.
Parker: We won't be in range for a full scan for several minutes,
Commander.
Crossfire: All right. (taps panel) Engineering, do we have any reason
not to use Jolt-Warp?
Wizzar (ic): YAWN. No, sir. I can give you up to Jolt-Warp 7 with no
problems. You want more than that, just give me some advance warning.
Crossfire: Ensign Hansen, take it to Jolt-Warp 3. Lt. Parker, give me
as much information from your scans as soon as possible.
* * * * *
Ensign Kindig walks into Holodeck 2 and stands, waiting.
Kindig: Zen? What did you want me to see down here?
A Hologram of Lt. Cdr. Gretzky appears before Kindig. He looks just as
Gretzky did the last time Dave saw him, except for the white H in the
middle of Gretzky's forehead.
Gretzky: Mr. Kindig, glad you made through all right! We, of course,
didn't, but that didn't stop me, did it?
Kindig: You're just a hologram, but you're acting like you're alive...
Gretzky: One of the amazing advances in Holodeck technology Zen has
implemented over the years. Unfortunately, he was only able to make
ONE hologram like me and, well, he could only choose from the most
recent transporter patterns. Since I headed the last Away Team, he
chose me and here I am. I've been waiting to be activated for about
2 million years now.
Kindig: Great. The rest of the crew is dead, I've been asleep for 4
million years, and now command of the ship is handed over to a hologram
of a hockey player. And now I'm beginning to talk to myself. I think
I need some ice cream.
Gretzky: Come on. We'll go down to Ten Forward and talk there.
Kindig: You can LEAVE the Holodeck?
Gretzky: Yup. Another one of those great advances.
* * * * *
Parker: Average ambient temperature appears to be about 22 K. There does
appear to be a stellar remnant at the center of the sphere...a rather
large one for as cold as it is...
Crossfire: Peculiar. Is the sphere inhabited?
Parker: At these temperatures? Are you kidding?
Crossfire: Run the scan, please.
Parker: Oh my. Over 520 billion...not humanoid...oh my god...
Crossfire: Something I should be aware of, Lieutenant?
Parker: Kelvins, sir. And three ships are closing fast.
* * * * *
Ten Forward is empty as well, except for the Folgers' Crystals all over
the place. Dave gets some ice cream out of the synthesizer and sits down
to eat. Adding some toppings, he absent-mindedly adds some of the Crystals
as well. He digs in.
Gretzky: Uh, Dave. I'm not sure you want to be eating that.
Kindig: What? The ice cream?
Gretzky: No, what you just put ON the ice cream.
Kindig: Why? What is this stuff anyway? I've seen it all over the ship.
Gretzky: Well, you just put Commander Highlander on your ice cream.
Kindig spits out the ice cream. It goes right through Gretzky and splatters
all over the chair. Gretzky begins pointing around the room at various piles.
Gretzky: And that's Counselor Neon and that's Lt. Daemon and that's...
Kindig: All right. All right already. I don't want to hear any more.
CRASH! Someone's just tipped over a bunch of pans in the back room.
Suddenly, a dark-skinned humanoid comes running out of that room, sees
Kindig and Gretzky, and calms down, straightening his grey pin-striped
suit. He appears relatively human, although his eyes are unusually yellow
and he has fangs. He takes out a comb and runs it through his hair.
Wonder Cat (extending his hand): Hello, fellows. When did you come aboard?
Kindig: 4 million and some odd years ago. Who are you?
Wonder Cat: Call me Wonder. My momma named me after the Virgin Father.
Kindig and Gretzky: The WHAT?
Wonder Cat: You know..the Virgin Father...from whom all life in the
Universe was born. But hey...YOU're not a cat!
Kindig: Zen, what is he blabbering about? And who is he?
Zen: He's a cat, Dave.
Gretzky: He doesn't LOOK like a cat, Zen.
Zen: He's a cat, Wayne. Jez the Wonder Kitty was sleeping in a safe part
of the ship when the Kelvins struck. When we came across a female cat
on another ship, he settled down, had a family, etc etc etc and this is
his great great great ..... etc. grandson.
Kindig: This is all getting too weird for me.
* * * * *
Crossfire: Go to red alert. I'll run things from tactical.
The Kelvin vessels streak by and open fire on the _Croutonprize_ in
short, repeating blasts. The ship shudders and shakes.
Zen: < RED ALERT > < RED ALERT > It's another cold day in Hell.
Crossfire: Mr. Hansen, bring us about 132 degrees starboard...mark.
Wizzar (ic): YAWN. What's going on up there?
Crossfire: Missy should be on her way. Give me as much power as you
can until then.
Wizzar (ic): Oh. Right. Engineering out.
The turbolift doors open and a very sleepy Captain Crouton staggers to
the captain's chair.
Crouton: Status report, Mr. Crossfire.
Crossfire: We're under attack by 3 Kelvin vessels and I don't doubt there
are more on the way.
The captain suddenly perks awake.
Crouton: What's that circle in the distance?
Parker: A Kelvin Dyson Sphere. It could be their homeworld...
Ghiasi (stepping onto the bridge): YAWN. I doubt that, Lt. I get the
impression their homeworld is bigger than this.
Parker (astounded/frightened): Really?
Gretzky joins Crossfire at tactical.
Crossfire: The conn is, of course, returned to you, Captain.
Crouton: Yes. Well, thank you for minding things, Commander. But now
for the situation at hand...
Gretzky: I'd appreciate your help at tactical. Defending against multiple
ships is tricky business.
Crossfire: I am quite aware of that, Mr. Gretzky. But I concur.
Crouton: Hansen, plot a course out of here and try to stick as closely
as possible to it through our evasive maneuvers.
Ghiasi: Seven more Kelvin ships have just left the Dyson Sphere.
Highlander (stepping onto the bridge): F***!!!!!
* * * * *
Gretzky: Zen, where exactly are we?
Zen: You are in corridor 3A on Deck 10.
Kindig: No, what star system are we in?
Zen: I...don't know, Dave.
Gretzky: What do you mean you don't know? You HAVE to know.
Zen: My navigational systems were damaged two million years ago. The
ship has been drifiting aimlessly through space ever since.
Kindig: Maybe if we go through the old ship's logs...
* * * * *
Crouton: Prepare for evasive manuever Crouton Tau.
Crossfire: Suggestion, Captain.
Crouton: Go ahead, Mr. Crossfire.
Crossfire: Head straight toward the first three Kelvins while Gretzky and I
send off short phaser bursts mixed with Crouton torpedo spreads. Before
they have a chance to react, but as it looks as if we're going to collide,
we jump to maximum warp.
Highlander: What is your reasoning, Mr. Crossfire?
Gretzky: Kelvins are not the greatest of tactical geniuses. If we make an
apparent suicide run, they might react with fear.
Crouton: Why not? Mr. Crossfire, Mr. Gretzky, make it so.
They wait for the Kelvin ships to close as Hansen gets the course ready.
Crossfire: Start us in slow, Mr. Hansen.
The ship begins to move toward the oncoming three Kelvin vessels. Gretzky
and Crossfire swiftly release short, controlled phaser bursts and Crouton
torpedo spreads. They get closer and closer to the Kelvin ships.
Crouton: We're getting dangerously close, Mr. Crossfire...
Crossfire: Just a few more seconds, sir...
The _Croutonprize_ bears down on the Kelvin ships. The "shuttlecraft running
out of gas music" tunes up in the background.
Gretzky: Now, Mr. Hansen!
Gretzky and Crossfire release a full Crouton torpedo spread into the pack
of Kelvin ships as the _Croutonprize_ jumps into warp.
Crouton: Maximum speed until we have left the Void where we came in. As
long as we are in here, we are vulnerable.
* * * * *
Zen: < RED ALERT > < RED ALERT > Feed the cat. < RED ALERT >
Gretzky: What's the red alert, Zen?
Zen: It is a warning against...
Kindig: I think you said that already, several hundred episodes ago.
Zen: Oh, yeah.
Kindig: So what is the red alert about, Zen?
Zen: I don't know. Why don't you wake up and find out?
Kindig: What?
His alarm has been going off for 77 minutes. It is now 0917 ships' time.
Dave Kindig rolls over, sees the clock, and freaks. He jumps up, throws
on his uniform, and runs toward the door.
Kindig: Missy wanted me to start that warp field diagnostic program twenty
minutes ago! Man, am I going to be in for it.
He stops, overwhelmed by a sudden sense of deja vu.
Missy (ic): Dave, where the hell are you? I needed this diagnostic program
running twenty minutes ago!
Kindig (relaxing): Whew. I'm glad it was just a dream.
Kindig walks out the door to his quarters into the corridor. People are
streaming both ways. He spots the nearest turbolift and runs into it,
the door closing on him.
There is a loud crash from within Kindig's quarters and a blur in a grey
pin-striped suit leaves in a hurry.
----------------
Date: Sun, 28 Oct 90 6:27:27 edt
From: "Paula Abdul's Main Man (Yee, Eugene)"
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