 |
||||
STAR TREK: THE CROUTON GENERATION
SEASON TWO
Episodes #30 - 34
------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Sun, 28 Oct 90 23:09:56 -0700
From: zecca@tramp (Admiral Avenger)
To: junk@typhoon.ucar.EDU
Subject: ST:TCG (Part 1 of 2)
The _Croutonprize_ is moving at low-warp speed through the LMC as we close
in on it. We move toward the exterior windows of Ten Forward, then go
inside. Lt. Cdr. Wayne Gretzky sits at a quiet table holding his one-month
old daughter, Joanna, holding her bottle for her. We then pan over to the
bar itself, where Highlander and Crossfire are swapping stories.
Highlander: I don't f***ing believe it.
Crossfire: You don't f***ing believe what?
Highlander: Look at Gretzky.
Crossfire looks over at Gretzky indifferently and shrugs his shoulders.
Crossfire: What? Did he just sprout a new leg or something?
Highlander: F*** no. It's just...I can't believe he's being...domestic.
Crossfire: Happens to some people.
Highlander: I just need to find the right blondes, then...
Zen: < RED ALERT > < RED ALERT > Hoo boy. < RED ALERT >
Highlander and Crossfire react immediately and head out of Ten Forward.
Gretzky picks up his daughter and leaves.
* * * * *
"Power Play"
(Part 1 of 2)
Written by Admiral Avenger
Guest stars
Janet Jones as Mrs. Gretzky
Directed by Jonathan Frakes
* * * * *
"Captain's Log, Stardate 101243.4:
The _Croutonprize_ is being rocked by gravitational turbulence from
some unknown source. We are attempting to localize the distortion."
Chuang: I'm sorry, Captain. I can't keep her steady.
Crouton: Mr. Chuang, do your best. That's all I can ask for. Mr. Kessner?
Kessner: Aye, sir?
Crouton: See if you can scan ahead and warn Mr. Chuang of approaching
shock fronts.
Kessner: Aye, sir.
Highlander: You found the f***ing source yet, Soraya?
Ghiasi: Commander, this isn't *exactly* easy work, you know. But I'm
getting there...
Crossfire (manning tactical): No sign of vessels in this sector, Captain.
Crouton: Thank you, Mr. Crossfire, but why isn't Mr. Gretzky manning that
console?
Turbolift doors open and Gretzky rushes to take over tactical.
Crouton: You're late, Commander.
Gretzky: I'm sorry, sir. I was in Ten Forward and I had to get the baby
back to my quarters before coming up.
Ghiasi: I found the source of the gravitational anomaly...I think. Very
strange...
Highlander: Care to explain, Soraya?
Ghiasi: Well, it's just an ordinary-looking planet...
Crouton: Mr. Kessner, plot a course for that world, Jolt-Factor 6.
Kessner (fingers flying): Course plotted and laid in, SIR.
Crouton: Mr. Chuang...
Crouton slices his hand through the air, knocking the root beer flying.
Fizzix Dude snaps his fingers, the root beer halts. He snaps again and
the root beer returns to its original position.
Crouton: ...engage.
[ We cut to the exterior as the _Croutonprize_ jumps into high warp. ]
* * * * *
The _Croutonprize_ drops out of warp and into a standard orbit around
the sixth planet of a blue-white main sequence star. Gravitational waves
continue to buffet the ship, now much stronger than before.
Crouton: Missy, damage report.
Midzor (ic): Nothing yet, but if this keeps up there's going to be all kinds
of structural damage.
Crouton: Noted. Crouton out.
Ghiasi: I can't seem to pinpoint a definite source of the waves. It's
almost as if they're coming from the very center of the planet.
Highlander: Life signs? Anything resembling civilization?
Ghiasi: Yes. There is a city of about 10,000 inhabitants on the northern
continent. A lot of agricultural activity right around it...
Crouton: Number One, we should have talk to the residents of this world
and see if they know what is responsible. Do you concur?
Highlander: Aye, sir. Mr. Gretzky, form an away team.
Gretzky: Me, sir?
Highlander: Yes, you. Find out what the f*** is going on down there.
Gretzky: Aye, sir. Kessner, with me. (taps communicator as he heads to
the turbolift) Lt. Savan, Lt. JG Parker, Ensign Howe, Ensign Jordan,
report to Croutonizer 1 for Away Team duty.
* * * * *
Kessner and Gretzky arrive at Croutonizer 1 as Parker and Savan do. Inside,
security ensigns Howe and Jordan are already suited up and begin issuing
equipment.
Gretzky: We need to find out if the inhabitants of this world are in control
of that gravitational beam and find some of way of stopping it. Phasers
on stun and don't forget the Prime Directive.
Taubman (nods at Gretzky): Ready, sir.
Gretzky: Croutonize.
* * * * *
The away team appears just outside the gates to the town, which in some
ways resembles ancient Athens while retaining elements of Mayan culture.
The away team moves toward the gates. They are surprised to find no guards.
The walk inside and begin to head toward the center, where a large Mayan-like
temple presides over the city.
Parker (pointing at the temple): I assume *that* is the hub of activity.
Gretzky: Looks like a good start, at least. Rhee, why don't you take
Howe and Jordan and look around. Report back to me in half an hour.
I'm going to see if I can find whoever's in charge.
Savan: All right. C'mon, Ensigns.
Savan, Howe, and Jordan head into what appears to be a marketplace.
* * * * *
Crouton paces back and forth, back and forth in his Ready Room. The door
chimes. He continues pacing. The door chimes again. He stops.
Crouton: Come in.
Chief Engineer Midzor enters and looks at him curiously.
Midzor: You've been pacing again, haven't you?
Crouton: I'm worried.
Midzor: So am I. Chris, unless they can do something about that graviton
beam, we've got MAYBE another two hours of safety here, then we have GOT
to get the hell out of here.
Crouton: Keep me apprised of danger levels and we will accomodate.
Midzor: Mm hmm. (Dramatic pause) Are you sorry that Gretzky led the team?
Crouton (lost in thought): hmm...What? Oh, no. That's not it.
Midzor: Then what's wrong?
Crouton: There's something peculiar about this planet, but I can't for
the life of me determine what.
* * * * *
Gretzky, Kessner, and Parker ascend the steps of the large Mayan-style
pyramid. Acolytes in robes smile as they pass by, but do not say anything
and do not interfere. They reach the top, but wait outside the entrance.
Kessner: Shouldn't we...go in?
Gretzky: Susan, anything unusual on your scans?
Parker: No, sir.
A man approaches, dressed in robes similar to those of the acolytes, but
for the silver scarf and the intricate headdress. He holds out his arms,
smiles and opens his hands to the sky.
Priest: Welcome, strangers. Welcome to the temple of the Gods. How may
we ease your pain?
Gretzky: Hello, sir. I am Lt. Cdr. Wayne Gretzky of the Federation starship
_Croutonprize_. We come in peace to your world. But we have a problem.
Priest: Come, my son. We may discuss your problem in a more appropriate
setting.
Gretzky and the Priest enter the temple. Kessner and Parker wait outside.
The Priest returns.
Priest: Come. Come. All are welcome in the temple of the Gods.
* * * * *
They settle into comfortable chairs in a small anteroom.
Gretzky: Sir, do you know what a graviton beam is?
Priest: No, but the Gods would know. They know all.
Parker: It is a highly focused beam of--
Gretzky: Never mind, Lieutenant. (turns back to the Priest) Well, there
is a graviton beam projecting itself from the center of your planet. It
is reaching out into space and damaging our ship. We were wondering if
there was some way you could...
Priest: It sounds as if you have touched the voice of the Gods. They must
have wished to observe you and for me to have this audience with you.
Kessner: Well, we're here, aren't we? Can they stop talking now?
Priest: I will talk to the Gods for you. I will explain your dilemma
and ask them to help you.
Gretzky: Thank you, sir. It would be appreciated.
The Priest smiles and leaves the room. Gretzky's communicator chirps.
Gretzky: Gretzky here. Go ahead.
Highlander: Status report, Commander.
Gretzky: I have made contact with a high-ranking Priest who is going to
talk to their "Gods" on our behalf. Hopefully, this will get the beam
shut off. If not...well, I don't know what to do, sir.
Highlander: Lt. Cdr. Midzor has informed me that we can hold out for
another 77 minutes -- then we need to pull out of orbit.
Gretzky: All right. I have Lt. Savan and my security men exploring
the town to see if they can find further answers...I'm rather surprised
they haven't reported in yet.
Highlander: Keep us informed, Wayne. Highlander out.
Kessner walks around the room, looking at the decorative carpets and banners
hanging around the room. Parker gets up and runs her tricorder over them.
Parker: Commander, some of these rugs are over 500 years old.
Kessner: Quite a culture, huh?
The Priest returns to the anteroom, followed by Savan, Howe, and Jordan.
Priest: It is done. The Gods apologize for the inconvenience. They were
happy to meet you and your friends, however. You may go on your way.
Gretzky: Thank you, sir.
* * * * *
The away team comes together on the pads in Croutonizer Room 1.
Gretzky: Lt. Savan, why didn't you report in when I asked you to?
Savan's face goes blank for a few seconds, then she speaks.
Savan: We had circled back to the Temple, by that point, Commander.
I was in a conversation with one of the priests and thought it would
be rude to interrupt to call you.
Savan leaves and heads toward Engineering. The rest of the away team
flow out of the room as well, leaving Gretzky standing there with a scowl
on his face.
Taubman: Something wrong, Commander?
Gretzky: Is it me...or was Lt. Savan acting strangely?
Taubman: How would I know? I'm trapped down here at this damn Croutonizer
console all day long.
* * * * *
[ We watch as the _Croutonprize_ pulls out of orbit and moves away from
the system. We then return to the Captain's Ready Room, where Captain
Crouton is hunched over his viewscreen, reading man pages for LISP. ]
The door chimes. Crouton looks up, then shuts off his viewscreen.
Crouton: Come in.
Gretzky enters slowly, unsure just what to do.
Crouton: Sit, Mr. Gretzky. Congratulations on solving our problem so
diplomatically.
Gretzky: That's my problem, Captain. I didn't really DO anything.
Crouton: Come now, Mr. Gretzky. You kept your head and simply asked
these people for help. One of the biggest problems Security Officers
face when attempting to climb the Command ladder is that they lack
the emotional control needed for diplomatic negotiation.
Gretzky: That's not really it, Captain... And something else...
Crouton: Yes?
Gretzky: It's Lt. Savan, sir. She acted...I don't know...strangely when
we returned to the ship.
Crouton: Explain.
Gretzky: I can't, really. I just...I just *felt* like she was mad at me
or something.
Crouton: Perhaps you aren't her first pick for the Second Officer job.
You realize that she's practically in position to take over as Chief
Engineer of this ship if Lt. Cdr. Midzor should vacate the position.
Gretzky (fibbing): Perhaps that's it, sir. Thanks. (Gets up to leave.)
Crouton: Mr. Gretzky?
Gretzky: Aye, sir.
Crouton: Congratulations on that 2000th goal the other night. The crew
is very impressed with your natural talents.
Gretzky: Thank you, sir.
Gretzky's appearance turns grim again as he leaves the room. After the door
is shut, a growing look of concern appears on Crouton's face as he returns
to his reading.
----------------
Date: Mon, 29 Oct 90 22:31:15 -0700
From: zecca@tramp (Admiral Avenger)
"Captain's Log, Stardate 101252.7:
My growing concern about Lt. Savan's loyalties to this ship are
keeping me up late into the night. Other members of the crew also seem
to be showing sign of this strain, so I have taken the liberty of
scheduling us for a few days R&R and resupply at Starbase LMC-1, Admiral
Avenger's newly-finished Headquarters."
Captain Crouton finishes the log report, shuts off his viewscreen, and exits
his Ready Room. Missy stands up from the Captain's chair, where Crouton and
Highlander had left her in command a few hours before.
Midzor: Captain, we're just coming out of warp. We can begin docking
procedures in a few moments.
Crouton: Very good, Commander. Please proceed with the docking maneuvers.
Midzor: Thank you, Captain. (turns to Ops) Mr. Kessner, visual please.
The image of the new Starbase fills the screen. It looks like a jelly-filled
donut with six large polyps growing symmetrically out its sides. The
_Croutonprize_ is moving toward one of those polyps. Several supply and
support ships are docked inside and outside various of those polyps.
Crouton: Inform Admiral Avenger of our arrival and inform me when we have
completed docking maneuvers. I will be in Ten Forward.
Crouton leaves the bridge. Missy continues to distribute docking orders.
Gretzky watches closely as the turbolift doors shut. As soon as they have,
he shuts down his tactical station and speaks. Unbeknowst to Gretzky,
Soraya has suspiciously observed all of his actions.
Gretzky: Permission to leave the bridge, Commander?
Midzor (turning): For what reason, Mr. Gretzky?
Gretzky: I need to draw up new duty rosters and arrange shore leave rights
for the security staff.
Midzor: Go ahead, Mr. Gretzky. I don't see that we'll be having a need
for tactical at the moment anyway.
Gretzky nods and exits the bridge.
* * * * *
Midzor (ic): Captain, docking procedures are complete. Admiral Avenger
will expect you at his new office at 1745.
Crouton looks at his chronometer.
Crouton: All right, that gives me 37 minutes. Thank you, Commander.
The bridge is yours until further notice.
Captain Crouton sips his root beer in a corner booth as Highlander joins him.
When they speak, they do so in hushed tones.
Crouton: Am I just being paranoid or do you see changes?
Highlander: Savan has definitely not been herself since her return from
that planet. And I'm beginning to have my doubts about Gretzky.
Crouton: But how could this be? Dr. Icefalcon examined them both and
found nothing out of the ordinary. Counselor Neon has detected nothing
of importance.
Highlander: Maybe they've gotten to Icefalcon and Neon as well...
Crouton: Commander, before we go looking for skeletons in our closets, we
have to make absolutely sure we have some evidence...
A murmur develops suddenly from the crowd at Ten Forward. Crouton notices
that everyone is looking out the windows. He also glances at the Starbase
and notices all of its lights dimming out.
Highlander: What the f***?!?
Just as suddenly, the lights on the _Croutonprize_ wink out. The crew
sit in darkness, then some begin to scramble to their posts, tripping over
chairs and one another.
Highlander: Would you like to call this evidence?
"When the lights go out
Everybody has fun
When the lights go out
Everybody runs to a safe place
When the lights go out
Everybody's afraid
When the lights go out
Everybody starts to pray
Starts to pray..."
* * * * *
"When the Lights Go Out"
(Part 2 of 2)
Written by Admiral Avenger
Guest stars
Lyrics to "When the Lights Go Out" by Danny Elfman
Directed by Rob Bowman
* * * * *
Crouton, Highlander, and Midzor run through the corridors, carrying their
regulation flashlights. All of the turbolifts are down, so they have to
use ladders between levels.
Highlander: Is it getting cold in here?
Midzor: *All* power must be down goddammit.
They finally reach their goal -- main Engineering.
Midzor: Savan? Wizzar? Is there ANYBODY down here?
Highlander's light crosses the limp form of Lt. JG Wizzar.
Midzor (shaking him): Lieutenant. LieuTENant!
Wizzar (groggy): Savan...danger...dilithium crystals...
Highlander: F***!
They rush to the dilithium crystal chamber.
Midzor: Hell, I hope he doesn't mean that the crystals are about to
implode and take the anti-matter containment units with them...
She and Highlander rip off the panel while Crouton holds a light steady
for them. They find the chamber empty.
Midzor: What the hell? The crystals aren't even here?!
Highlander: Savan took them. F***! F***! F***!
* * * * *
"Monsters and Madmen
All come alive
When the dead start walking
There's no place to hide
There's no place to hide"
In the Captain's Ready Room, Midzor, Ghiasi, Crouton, Highlander, and
Crossfire sit in a private conference.
Crossfire: I just found Taubman unconscious in the Croutonizer Room.
Ghiasi: Right before we docked, Gretzky was acting really...strange.
Midzor (guilt-ridden): And then I let him leave the bridge early.
Crouton: All right. So far we know that Savan and Gretzky are probably in
on whatever this is.
Crossfire: Captain, I suggest that SOMEbody should tend to the Admiral's
welfare. We don't want them to get to him.
Highlander: Crossfire, I want YOU to be personally responsible for the
Admiral's safety. Got it?
Crossfire: Aye, sir. (He leaves.)
Crouton: All right, the rest of you. Do what you can to find out what
is going on here and see if you can get the power restored. I'm going
over to the Starbase to meet with the Admiral over this.
Highlander: Everyone carries phasers. Trust nobody.
Crouton: Good idea, Commander.
* * * * *
"Hey--Let's turn the night into day
Let's start a fire in an alley way
Let's all go crazy by and by
And let's all pray to the cat's eye"
Soraya and Jez wander the hallways, looking for SOME sign of what is going on.
At several points along the way, they find crew huddled together around small
fires they have built to keep themselves warm.
Ghiasi: Jez, it's getting really cold in here...maybe I should check out an
environmental suit.
Jez: Mrowp. [Good idea.]
As they approach an environmental suit locker, something zips by on the floor
through Soraya's light beam. Soraya has a hard time finding it again with
the light, but Jez's night vision allows him to spot the thing again. He
approaches it cautiously, then arches his back and hisses loudly.
Ghiasi: Jez? Jez? What is it?
Jez: Mrowp hiss hiss mrow! [Kill it dammit!]
Soraya draws her phaser, aims and fires. The four-inch bug-like creature
vaporizes in a particularly foul-smelling puff of smoke. Jez relaxes.
Ghiasi: Jez, what was that?
Jez: Mrow mrow meow meow mrow. [I don't know, but I had a bad feeling
about it.]
* * * * *
Captain Crouton pokes his head into the darkened room.
Crouton: Admiral?
Avenger: Come in, Chris. We're all here.
As Crouton approaches, he begins to resolve the form of Admiral T'Lilith
seated next to Admiral Avenger. Rear Admiral Bradford also sits nearby.
Crouton hears motion behind him.
Crossfire: It's just me, sir.
Avenger: Chris, do you have any idea what's going on?
Crouton: That's why we came to Starbase, Admiral...unfortunately, it
seems that the threat is greater than I had imagined.
Bradford: What threat is that, Captain?
Crouton: You read the report on the gravitational wave anomaly, I assume.
After the away team's return from the planet, Lt. Savan began to act...
strangely. Commander Gretzky reported his suspicions to me, but I
at first dismissed it.
T'Lilith: And now?
Crouton: We believe Commander Gretzky has joined whatever this "conspiracy"
is. We believe them to be responsible for the base-wide power outage.
Avenger: And that is why you sent Crossfire to me?
Crouton (getting suspicious): Y-yes. Admiral, are you feeling all right?
Avenger: Oh, don't worry about me, Chris. It's just that I think I know
what's going on....and it's making my stomach turn...
"No one can be trusted, when the lights go out
People act really crazy, people start to shout
People huddle together, try and hide their fear
People party down but they ain't goin nowhere
They ain't goin nowhere"
* * * * *
Jez stops and gestures for Soraya to be quiet. He moves stealthily toward
the Security Office and pokes his head in carefully. Ensign Jordan stands
with several other security men, phasers drawn. Jordan is talking to Howe
over his communicator...Howe is apparently aboard the Starbase already.
Jordan: We are nearly ready to take the _Croutonprize_.
Howe: Very good. Things are going very well here...we have doubled our
forces in the past hour.
Jordan: Understood. We will await word from the bridge.
Jez runs back to Soraya at this point.
Ghiasi: Jordan and Howe...weren't they on the Away Team? Damn.
Jez: Mrow. Mrowp mrow. [They were waiting for word from the bridge...]
Ghiasi: Let's get up there and find out what's going on. (taps her
communicator as they run toward the bridge) Captain Crouton, come in.
* * * * *
T'Lilith: One of the stories Picard has told us was about the "Conspiracy"
in Star Fleet shortly after he took command of the _Enterprise_.
Avenger: Apparently, a race of small parasites was infesting Admirals in
an effort to take over the Federation. Picard lost some good friends
along the way, but discovered the conspiracy and put an end to it.
T'Lilith: However, before they dispatched the host parasite, who had
disguised itself as a member of the Inspector General's office, it had
relayed a homing beacon to its friends across the galaxy.
Avenger: We never heard of them again and Star Fleet has generally covered
the whole thing up to avoid embarrassment...but there has always been a
fear that someday, somehow, they'd try again.
Crouton: And you think that's what's happened?
Crossfire: Captain, something funny's going on out here...
Bradford (hops up to join him at the doorway): Explain.
We see several "bugs" scurry down the hallway past the door...then we see
several dozen, gradually growing to several thousand. Some approach the
Admirals' quarters...
Crossfire: Dammit! (locks the door and tries to code in to seal the
bulkhead to stop the little critters)
Crouton: They're getting under the door. (fires his phaser and fries one)
Crossfire: I've got the bulkhead down, but a bunch got through before I--
Avenger: boH'wI, don't move.
A "bug" is crawling up T'Lilith's arm toward her mouth. Avenger reaches
down to her belt and draws out a six-inch Klingon knife. He uses it as a
crowbar and flips the "bug" off of her. Crossfire draws his Beretta and
stops it with one round.
Crossfire: All right, everyone stand back. There ought to be a few hundred
of them left out here between the door and the bulkhead.
Crouton and the Admirals back up across the room as Crossfire draws out
a flamethrower...
* * * * *
Ghiasi: Dammit! I can't raise the Captain. We're going to have to go
extravehicular...
Jez: Mrowp mrow meow meow. [Are you sure that's wise?]
Ghiasi: Look, they're going to know if we steal a shuttle and the
transporters are down. It's the only way.
Jez and Soraya find an airlock, put on their helmets, and add propulsion
packs. Jez reaches into the weapons locker and draws out two phaser rifles
for good measure.
The airlock opens and they begin to make their way toward the darkened
station. It blocks out all the sunlight, leaving them hidden in shadow.
Ghiasi (ic): We've got 5 minutes until the base rotates into the light
again... Until then, they shouldn't be able to spot us...
"Gonna run outside
What's there to see
Just one big shadow there to comfort me
There to comfort me...there to comfort me"
* * * * *
Gretzky: Everything is in place. We can restore power now.
Howe: Very good. Notify Midzor. We are ready to proceed.
* * * * *
Back on the bridge of the _Croutonprize_, all unimportant crew have been
gassed. Highlander, having expected the worst, comes out of the Ready Room
wearing a small gas mask. He draws his sword.
Midzor: So you found me out, Number One. It is unimportant. You'll be
one of us soon.
Highlander swings his katana neck-high at Missy, but she simply grabs the
blade between her palms. She forces up and back on the blade until
Highlander must either release his grip or break his arms. He releases
his grip and immediately moves to strike Missy across the jaw.
His wrist deflects harmlessly off of her smiling rock-solid jaw. She
picks him up and throws across the bridge, across the tactical station,
and into the main turbolift.
Savan: We are ready.
Midzor: Understood.
* * * * *
Power suddenly returns to all areas of the _Croutonprize_ and the base.
Security men on the _Croutonprize_ begin to swiftly move through the
corridors, stunning crewmembers and dragging them back to Sickbay,
where Dr. Icefalcon awaits.
Icefalcon: Just pile them in and around the beds...we'll make use of them
when the time is appropriate.
* * * * *
"Just common folks like you and me
Turn into mobs that get so crazy
Prowl the streets like cats
Out for the hunt
Breaking all the windows, just because it's fun
Just because it's fun, just because it's fun"
Crossfire shuts off the flamethrower. The smell of burnt alien flesh
eminates from the corridor.
Avenger: Very efficient, Commander. You wouldn't happen to have an air
freshener that fires at the same intensity, would you?
Bradford (pointing out the window): Look!
They see two spacesuited figures approaching the windows...Soraya gestures
wildly to them. They don't understand what she is trying to tell them...
Crossfire: I've got it. We've got to get an airlock for her.
But at this point the bulkhead opens anyway. Standing on the other side
are Howe, Savan, Gretzky, and several of the base's standing security
officers.
Crossfire: So, if it isn't our little traitors...
He pulls down the flamethrower again and warms it up.
Savan: I wouldn't do that if I were you, Commander. You'll damage the
bodies of your friends.
Highlander and Midzor Croutonize in behind Savan at this point.
Crouton: Number One, are you all right?
Highlander (smiles): Oh, I feel just fine, Captain.
Savan turns angrily to Highlander.
Savan: You were meant for Ghiasi!
Highlander: She is no longer on board the _Croutonprize_.
Savan: Then where --?
Ghiasi and Jez, now helmetless, step out behind the conspirators, each
hoisting a phaser rifle.
Ghiasi: I'm right here. (pulls the trigger and fells Gretzky and Midzor)
Crouton, Crossfire, and Jez join in, using a high stun setting to floor
the rest of the group...except for Howe... He runs through Jez and Ghiasi,
knocking them to the floor, and runs down the corridor.
Crossfire: Come on! (hoists his flamethrower and runs after Howe)
Jez and Ghiasi pick up their rifles and join Crossfire. The Admirals and
Crouton move to the pile of bodies. Midzor, Gretzky, Savan, Highlander...
they all open their mouths and "bugs" crawl out and begin to scurry away.
T'Lilith kneel next to the stunned crewmen and checks on their condition.
Avenger: Sounds like it's time for the ABC Extermination Service, don't you?
Crouton: A, B, C?
Bradford: Avenger, Bradford, and Crouton.
Crouton: Aaaaaah. (pulls out his phaser and fries a bug)
* * * * *
"Captain's Log, Stardate 101256.5:
Due to the efforts of Lt. Cdr. Ghiasi, Lt. Cdr. Crossfire, and Lt. Jez,
we have successfully turned the tide of this takeover attempt and regained
control of our ships. My crew are recovering from their phaser wounds,
necessary to remove the parasites, and we intend to be underway in a few
hours. Ensign Howe was unfortunate enough to be carrying the host parasite.
Lt. Cdr. Crossfire regretfully informed me of Ensign Howe's death."
Highlander and Crouton sit across from each other in the Ready Room.
Highlander rubs his neck uncomfortably where the gill used to be as the
door chimes.
Crouton: Come in.
Crossfire and Ghiasi enter. At Crouton's gesture, they sit.
Crouton: Commander Crossfire, you have performed excellent service to
this ship. You have long been our leading candidate for the Second
Officer's position.
Crossfire: Aye, sir. However, I respectfully wish--
Highlander: But you've told me yourself that you don't like to be tied down
to any one ship for any length of time. And the second officer position
would do just that.
Crouton: Therefore, with your permission, Mr. Crossfire, we would like
to make Lt. Commander...Ghiasi the new Second Officer of the
_Croutonprize_. Her actions during this crisis show her to be the kind
of material we're looking for right now.
Crossfire and Ghiasi stand up. Crossfire turns to Ghiasi and shakes her
hand with fervor. Soraya seems a bit taken aback by all of this.
Crossfire (truly happy not have had the burden placed on him): Congratula-
tions, Commander. It will be a pleasure serving UNDER you.
Ghiasi (a smile developing): Uh...thanks...I think.
----------------
Date: Tue, 30 Oct 90 15:39:51 -0700
From: ghiasi@tramp (Soraya Ghiasi)
To: junk@typhoon.ucar.EDU
Subject: ST:TCG
-An Integrated Lifestyle
As soon as the Carl hears that Soraya has been promoted to 2nd officer,
he rushes to the Croutonprise to "congratulate" her. Of course,
congratulating her also means reminding her that she needs to work
on her thesis. Noting that she is getting nowhere, he sends her on
a mission to find the greatest non-equilibrium thermodynamics master
in the universe. Of course, she screws up and finds her thermo
professor instead, who comes up with an "easy" way to turn a
non-equilibrium problem into an equilibrium problem. And, of course,
it turns out that this solution depends on an insoluble integral...
Grumble grumble grumble...
So, Soraya in her infinite wisdom, decides to go to lunch instead of
working on the F***ing problem anymore.
-Soraya
May I assume that solving an insoluble integral is just as easy as the
trivial problem this summer of finding the roots of an eight degree
polynomial?
----------------
Date: Mon, 29 Oct 90 13:54:33 EST
From: carter4@husc9.harvard.edu (William Carter)
To: junk@typhoon.ucar.EDU
Subject: ST:TCG Promo
New! A special Halloween episode of
Star Trek: The Crouton Generation:
(Which may be delayed due to excessive homework!)
While exploring the Schatten system in the LMC, the USS Melbourne
comes across what appears to be a weak distress call from Schatten-13,
a small cold planet on the periphery of the system. When they arrive at the
planet, they find orbiting around it several derelict alien ships, and a
powerful source of radiation emenating from the planet's surface. After
beaming an away team down to investigate, the crew of the Melbourne soon find
themselves fighting a supernatural alien force which has invaded their ship, a
force which threatens to doom them to a fate worse than death! Moreover, they
struggle not only for their own survival, but for the survival of a strange
and beautiful alien race...
The only thing which can save them is a daring raid into another dimension,
a dimension referred to in Human mythology as Hell...
All this, and oh, much MUCH more, on the next, exciting, throat ripping
episode of
Star Trek, The Crouton Generation!
(that is, if the writer can pile Pelion upon Ossa and get his homework
done and actually devote some time to it!)
-=WbC
--------
Date: Tue, 30 Oct 90 20:11:37 EST
From: carter4@husc9.harvard.edu (William Carter)
To: junk@typhoon.ucar.EDU
Subject: New ST:TCG episode!!!
We see a Hidden Valley Ranch Aye-Karum-Bah class ship cruising at
sub light speeds. Stenciled crudely on the side of the ship are the words
"_C Spotrun_."
The camera zooms in to the nodule which houses the bridge of the ship. The
walls dissapear as if ethereal, and the camera centers in on the captain's
chair. Seated is a tall, bleached-blond haired, purple pimply faced Rancher
wearing a tattered crimson cape. A tag on his lapel identifies him as
"Captain Elrond Buzzard." Lower officers and assistants buzz around him with
many forms of paperwork, and he looks just a bit strung out.
Buzzard: "Damn! I knew I shouldn't have left all this stupid busy
work for the end. I've got to take a break." (He waves his hand sharply)
"All of you! Go away!" (He burps loudly, the attendants scurry off.)
"Science officer Del'table, give me the results of your planetary scan."
Del'table: "Captain, it appears that the power source we detected is
localized on some small structure down on the surface of the planet. And
it appears to be portable!"
Buzzard: "Great! Del'table, form a landing party immediately. Go down and
retrieve it. Possibly this could give us the edge we need against the
Federation! It might even give me the edge I need to unseat Bloocheez as fleet
commander!"
Several Ranchers leave the bridge, followed by the Science officer. The
Captain goes back to his paperwork. About ten minutes later, there is a
beep from the console on his chair. Barely able to contain himself, he
presses a button with a finger shaking in anticipation.
Buzzard (excited): "Yes?!? Report!"
Science Officer (ic): "Captain, We have returned with the source. Permission
to bring it to the bridge."
Buzzard (with obvious glee): "Great! The source is that portable! Come up
at once!"
A minute later, off screen, the turbolift doors are heard to swish open.
The Captain turns around, his devious grin fading from his face as he sees
what has stepped on to his bridge.
Dispassionate Alien Voice: "I'm so pleased you've invited me aboard your ship,
Captain Buzzard."
The Rancher Captain's scream is stifled as a long red slimy tentacle
wraps around his neck and forces its way down his throat. His body begins
to shrivel, dessicate, and crystallize, and in moments he is reduced to a dry,
frozen husk. Chaos breaks out on the bridge.
* * * * *
"Shades of Sargasso"
(Part 1 of ?)
Written by -=WbC
Guest Stars
James Arness as Captain Elrond Buzzard
Directed by Chien Liu
* * * * *
"Captain's log, stardate 101241.3:
We have been running through our routine assingment of checking and
logging systems in the Aleph-Gamma sector of the LMC. So far we there is
nothing new to report. Most of the systems consist of only the central star
orbited by gaseous and particulate matter, as predicted by our Astronomers.
We have finally entered into the first interesting system on our route: the
system provisionally designated as Schatten. There are 13 planets in the
system, but initial scans of the inner planets where life might have evolved
come up negative. After a cursory check over the remaining outer planets,
we will continue on to our next system destination."
Muirden (with Australian accent): Fox! Have you finished that systemwide
scan yet?
Fox (cool): Almost, captain. Just a few more minutes -- Wait! I've found
something odd about the last planet! There appears to be some sort of strong
low frequency radiation emenating from it. I didn't pick it up on the other
scans because it's almost the same as background.
Muirden: Hey that's good! I thought this was just going to be yet another
in a row of BORING systems. Can you get a fix on the source?
Fox: No, captain. We'll have to bring the ship closer.
Muirden: Right. Nav officah, take 'er in.
Switch to an outside view of the Melbourne, a sleek James_T_Kirk class
Federation cruiser. The ship gracefully swerves off it's course, and heads
towards the outer regions of the system. Back on the bridge.
Muirden: Any fix on it yet?
Fox: No. It's not constant. Weird, it seems to fluctuate almost rythmically.
I won't be able to tell more until we're in orbit.
Switch to the outside of the ship. Conveniently, the planet zooms into view,
and orbit is soon established. Back to the view of the bridge.
Carter (on tactical): Captain! I was just doing a tactical scan of the Lagrange
points around the planet. I'm reading literally dozens of ships... The
computer can't match any of the configurations, Sir. Wait -- I've got a
Hidden Valley Ranch ship, Aye-Karum-Bah class, at the L5 point!"
Muirden: Good gawd! Yellow 'lert!
Klaxons sound, yellow lights flash.
Muirden: Are it's weapons armed?!
Carter: No Sir. It just seems to be sitting there. I don't get any signs
of activity. It appears to have full power, though! Captian, I don't like
this...
Muirden: 'Nor I, Lt. Cmdr. Con, open hailing frequencies. Lessee if the
rotten Ranchers will talk to us...
The shapely Con officer presses a few buttons.
Com: Captain, there's no response on any hailing frequencies.
Muirden: Maybe they're on the planet. There's got to be SOMEONE on board.
Fox, can you get any life readings on board?
Fox: Negative, captain! There's readings, but they're at such a low level.
And the entire ship is under vacuum! Under those conditions, there can't
be anyone alive on that ship.
Muirden: Curiouser and curiouser. Carter, I want you to form an away team,
and beam over to that ship and find out what's going on. HEAVILY armed,
mind you! At the first sign of trouble, I want you to get right back over
here!
Carter: Right. (Motions to several crew members) Let's go!
Lt. Cmdr. Carter and the team enter the lift.
Carter (to himself, as usual) : This is TOO spooky. A hidden valley ranch
ship just sitting out in the middle of nowhere, VACANT. I just don't like it.
The lift reaches the croutonizer room. The group suits up, grabs the
appropriate random high-tech devices and gets in the croutonizer.
Carter (to the operator) : Croutonize, if you don't mind.
The team dissapears on the pad. Back on the bridge, the red alert sounds.
Muirden: Fox! What is it?!
Fox: Captain! The emenations from the planet have suddenly gone critical!
My sensors are dead! Captain, it'll interfere with the croutonizer!
Muirden (dismayed): Oh me Gawd. The away team! We can't get them back....
.....To Be Continued.....
----------------
Date: Tue, 30 Oct 90 18:35:33 -0700
From: reidj@tramp (Crossfire)
To: junk@typhoon.ucar.EDU
Subject: ST:TCG "Holland has Rembrandts"
Hey, folks...did you know that October was National Down's Syndrome Awareness
Month? Neither did I. In honor of that, here's a relevant TCG episode.
With a tip 'o the pen to Emily Pearl Whitman.
-------------------------=========================-----------------------
Next time, on an All-New Episode of Star Trek: The Crouton Generation--
"Holland has Rembrandts"
[Interior, the Gretzky's quarters. Wayne is changing his daughter's diapers,
Janet is making a new bottle of formula.]
Janet: Wayne, I was talking to Darla on Deck 12 this morning...her daughter
is already smiling and looking around at people, and she's three weeks
younger than Joanna here.
Gretzky: Smiling? I doubt that. Probably just gas.
Janet: Well...maybe. But Joanna hasn't shown any of the development traits
according to the development chart.
Gretzky: Janet, children can vary as much as four weeks from the development
chart. You know that. Children simply aren't easy to put on a definite
time table.
Janet [sitting down next to Wayne]: Listen, Wayne. I want to take Joanna
in for an examination.
Gretzky: An...you mean a medical exam?
[Janet nods.]
Gretzky: Well, if it'll make you feel better. I'll make an appointment with
Icefalcon.
Janet [smiling and giving Wayne a kiss on the cheek]: Thanks.
* * * * * * * * *
"Captain's Log, Stardate 101260.2 Our mapping of the first sector of the LMC
continues without mishap. Very quiet."
Crouton [wandering aimlessly around the bridge, checking on things]: Mr.
Gretzky...anything on tactical?
Gretzky: Hmmm? [He starts out of his thoughts]: Uh...no, sir.
Crouton: Is there something on your mind, Mr. Gretzky?
Gretzky: Personal matters, sir...Janet took Joanna in for a medical checkup
today. We're worried about her development.
Crouton: I'm sure she'll be all right.
Gretzky: That's what I'm hoping. I'm sure...
Icefalcon [ic]: Commander Gretzky to Sickbay.
[Gretzky starts, then looks at Crouton for permission, who nods. He sets his
station on automatic and leaves.]
* * * * * * * * *
[Interior, Sickbay, Icefalcon's office. Janet and Icefalcon are sitting as
Wayne enters. Janet is holding Joanna and trying not to cry.]
Gretzky: Hi...[he notices Janet] What's wrong?
Icefalcon: Commander, I think you'd better sit down.
Gretzky: Why? What's going on?
Icefalcon: Wayne...I...this is the hardest part of pediatrics.
Gretzky: What are you talking about? Joanna's okay, isn't she?
Icefalcon: No. She's not. She has Dove's Syndrome...an instability in
her genetic code. It doesn't manifest until the second month or so
when a baby's genes finally settle down. It's undetectable in utero.
Gretzky: Dove's Syndrome. [He sits down next to Janet.]
Icefalcon: Joanna will never be able to fully develop. Her chromosomes don't
have the required genetic information. I'm sorry.
[The couple stare at their baby, who gazes blandly at the ceiling.]
* * * * * * * *
"Captain's Log, Stardate H'oli-cow.4 We are continuing our exploration, and
we have discovered an inhabited planet in the solar system in front of us.
We are about to begin initial studies to determine the level of civilization."
Crouton: Standard polar orbit, Mr. Chuang.
Chuang: Aye, sir.
Crouton: Tactical, any scans eminating from the planet?
[There is a silence while Crouton waits for Gretzky to respond. When he
doesn't, Crouton stands and looks at him. Gretzky is staring out into
the viewscreen.]
Crouton: Commander Gretzky.
[Gretzky comes back to the world.]
Gretzky: Sir? Sorry...I was...
Crouton: Just thinking. Commander, I'd like to see you in my ready room,
if you please.
[Crouton and Gretzky leave together, going into the ready room.]
Crouton [after the doors have closed]: Commander, your mind has not been on
your duties all week. Ordinarily, I allow my crewmembers to work out
their own problems, but your distraction could possibly endanger the ship.
I would like to know what is worrying you.
Gretzky: It's...personal business, sir. I appreci...
Crouton: Personal business? What's that supposed to mean?
Gretzky [suddenly vicious]: Well I guess that means it's personal and none of
your business.
[Crouton is quite taken aback.]
Gretzky: Sir, I've got problems that you can't understand. I don't need
to have you adding to them. [He gets up and walks out.]
* * * * * * * * * *
[Interior, Ready Room. Crouton, Highlander, and Neon are sitting, talking.]
Neon: You say his problems began after he went to see Icefalcon last week?
Crouton: Yes. I don't like to pry into my crewmember's personal...business.
Highlander: He's an integral part of the bridge crew. If he's no longer able
to preform his duties...
Neon: I don't think that's a possibility, Commander.
Crouton [tapping com panel]: Dr. Icefalcon, would you come to my ready room
please?
Icefalcon [ic]: On my way.
Crouton: He seems so distant. He won't even say hello.
Neon: Come to think about it, I haven't seen Joanna or Janet around, either.
Usually Janet takes Joanna to the Mobilliary every day for a walk.
Highlander: My god. You don't think something's wrong with Joanna or Janet,
do you?
Crouton: Gretzky did mention that Janet was taking Joanna in for a checkup.
[Icefalcon enters.]
Icefalcon: You wanted to see me?
Crouton: Yes. Icefalcon, I understand the doctor-patient confidence, but I
must ask these questions. Commander Gretzky has been acting very
strangely recently. It started after he went to see you last week. I
was hoping you might set some light on the matter.
Icefalcon: Well, Captain...Wayne hasn't told you himself?
Crouton: No. He hasn't.
Icefalcon: I think I should keep silent then, too. It's not my place to go
spouting his private problems.
Neon: Is there something I could help him with?
Icefalcon [thinking]: Yes. I think you could. I recommended both he and
Janet go and see you. They haven't yet?
Neon: No. I haven't seen either one of them.
Crouton: Then perhaps you should pay them a visit.
* * * * * * * * *
[Interior, Gretzky's quarters. The lights are dim. Wayne sits in a chair,
staring out the window at the planet below. A drink is at his hand. The
door chimes once. Twice. Three times.]
Gretzky: Oh, come in.
[The doors open and Neon walks in.]
Gretzky: Counselor. Surprise surprise. Want a drink?
Neon: No thanks. You were expecting me?
Gretzky: I was expecting someone to come and butt in sometime. You were the
most logical candidate.
Neon: Your friends are worried about you.
Gretzky: My _friends_ would not butt in.
Neon: We just wanted to know if there was anything we could do to help.
[He pauses.] To help Joanna.
[Gretzky is silent. He takes a drink, his hand shaking.]
Gretzky [his voice is thick]: There's nothing anyone can do. And it's all...
Neon [after a pause]: ...your fault? What's all your fault?
Gretzky: Dammit, Neon...Joanna has Dove's Syndrome. Do you know what the
theory is about that?
Neon: Wayne, that's just the working theory based on...
Gretzky: Based on correlation studies. Dove's Syndrome is usually traceable
back to a genetic defect in the father's sperm...caused by extended
periods in zero-g.
Neon: Wayne...even if that's true, you can't take the blame.
Gretzky: Yes I can.
[Janet comes out of their bedroom. She's pale and sad.]
Janet: Wayne, did you make a bottle for Janet today?
Gretzky: No.
Janet [noticing Neon]: Oh. [She moves over and makes a bottle herself.]
Neon: This must be very hard for the both of you. But it's not your fault.
Dove's Syndrome [Janet drops the bottle] isn't something we know much
about. And you're not the only ones this has happened to. There are
others.
Janet: I'll never see her dance.
Neon: You might. She'll just have to work harder at it than an average
child.
Gretzky: We're not going to fool ourselves, Neon. Joanna will never be
able to do the things a normal child will do.
Neon: No. She won't. But she will be able to do alot of things...and some
things you haven't even thought of. This isn't the end, Wayne. Just
because Joanna isn't like other children doesn't mean you can give up on
her. You just have to do things differently...and do different things.
[Neither Janet nor Wayne say anything.]
* * * * * * * * * *
"Captain's personal log, stardate ..... Commander Gretzky has asked for a
conference with myself, Counselor Neon, and Commander Highlander. Based on
Counselor Neon's report of his conversation with Wayne and Janet Gretzky, I
feel that Commander Gretzky is considering a transfer to a planetside
station. I will regret losing a valuable officer to this tragedy."
[In the ready room, Neon, Highlander, and Crouton all sit waiting. After a
second, Janet and Wayne Gretzky, Janet holding Joanna, walk in.]
Gretzky: Thank you all for agreeing to see us.
[The others nod.]
Gretzky: I've come primarily to appologize for my behavior over the last
few...several...days. I've been confused and upset and angry...I didn't
know what to do. Neither of us knew what to do.
[Janet goes and sits down on one end of the couch. Gretzky kneels down next
to her.]
Gretzky: See, having a child is like...planning a trip. To Italy. You get
guidebooks, pack your bags, make plans...learn the local phrases. We
got on our transport for our trip, then when we landed a few hours later
the stewardess said, "Welcome to Holland."
We didn't want to go to Holland. We wanted to go to Italy. But we're
stuck here in Holland. And I was disappointed. Bitterly.
It seemed like I was doomed to spend the rest of my life in Holland,
watching my friends come and go and listening to them talk about the
wonderful things they'd seen and done in Italy.
But then Neon pointed out that since I was stuck here, I had to make due.
So I went out and got new guidebooks, made new plans...learned new phrases.
And I found out that Holland isn't as busy as Italy. It isn't as
glamorous. It isn't as sparkling.
But in Holland they have windmills, they have tulips, they even have
Rembrandts.
And I realized that, even though I was never going to get to go to Italy,
I wasn't so sad to be in Holland, either. Because in Holland they have
Rembrandts.
[Gretzky takes his daughter's hand. She curls her hand around his finger.]
Gretzky: So, I think I'm going to like it here in Holland.
[Everyone looks quietly at Joanna, who looks quietly back at them.]
[ TCG Archives | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | TSG | TPG | Misc | Begin | End ] |
||||