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STAR TREK: THE CROUTON GENERATION
SEASON THREE
Episodes # 1 - 3
(Parts 1-3 of "The Crouton on the Edge of Forever")
======================================================================
Commander Bloocheez is dressed in a completely black gunfighter's outfit,
the kind you'd expect to see on Yul Brunner. He gulps down the last of his
whiskey, gets up from his seat in the Old West bar, and slowly walks outside
into the middle of a dirt street. The town clock chimes noon.
Bloocheez: All right, Crouton, you yellow varmint. It's time to settle
this once and for all.
Captain Crouton steps onto the street dressed in a blue outfit with a white
hat. He moves his arms to his sides, ready to draw.
Crouton: You don't scare me, Bloocheez. Let's do it.
Their hands hesitate over their guns for several minutes. A bead of sweat
breaks down Captain Crouton's forehead, and then he makes his move.
BANG! The Colt .45 flies from Captain Crouton's right hand. BANG! The
other Colt flies from his left hand. Crouton looks up into Bloocheez's
eyes. BANG! Crouton's chest erupts in red as a hole appears near his
heart. He clutches his chest and falls to the ground. Bloocheez pulls
his six-shooter to his mouth and blows out the smoke.
Captain Kabeta, dressed appropriately for the time period rushes forth
into Bloocheez's arms. He pulls her into a powerful kiss...and then the
world around them disintegrates as Commander Bloocheez is left kissing
empty air in an empty room. He stops and turns to Hiram, his new engineer.
Bloocheez: Hiram, this is incredible! It's...it's so realistic.
Hiram: It's basic Federation Holodeck technology, but I've added a few
improvements of my own. I have another improvement in mind that I'd
like you to approve.
Bloocheez: Really? Something useful as a weapon perhaps?
Hiram (smiles): You know me well, Commander. I want to link the cloaking
device into a Holo-projector. If the theory works, we should be able to
make the _C Hag_ look like anything we want.
Bloocheez (evil grin): Perfect, Hiram. Perfect.
Hiram: One more thing...
Bloocheez: Yes, Hiram?
Hiram: We also got a copy of the _Christopher Pike_'s historical log
tapes when we went aboard disguised as tourists. I think you'll want
to take a look at this one. (Hands Bloocheez a small disc.)
* * * * *
Bloocheez inserts the disc into his console. A 150-year-old image of a
Federation captain appears on the screen. The man appears to be in his
mid-30's, an Earther, American by the looks of it, in a yellow velour
uniform shirt and a peculiar tendency to pause unevenly in his speech.
He also looks as if he's wearing a really bad toupee.
"Captain's Log, Stardate 1707.3:
In trying to save ourselves from being drawn into the gravitational
collapse of Psi 2000, Mr. Spock and Mr. Scott have unwittingly discovered
the secrets to time travel. While I know of no use for time travel at the
moment, the Federation may one day find it useful. Mr. Spock follows with
a detailed description of what he believes is necessary to make time travel
a feasible opportunity..."
Bloocheez stops the disc and taps a panel on his desk, calling the bridge.
Bloocheez: Jesse, put in a call to Governor Tarkanian at the Hidden
Valley Ranch. Tell him I think I've found how to stop the threat posed
by this Federation-Romulan Alliance.
Bloocheez breaks into an evil grin and then begins to laugh maniacally.
* * * * *
"The Crouton on the Edge of Forever"
Part 1 of 9
Written by Admiral Avenger and Crossfire
With a tip of the pen to Harlan Ellison
Guest stars
Ed Begley, Jr. as Commander Bloocheez
P.D. Kunz as The Kunz
Robert Loggia as Hiram
Bartell Larue as the Guardian
Special Guest Stars
Patrick Stewart as Admiral Jean-Luc Picard
Whoopi Goldberg as CaesarSalad
Directed by Patrick Stewart
Music by Alexander Courage
* * * * *
Captain Crouton, Captain Kabeta, Captain Muirden, and Captain Chow sit
down in Admiral Avenger's office. Admiral T'Lilith, Rear Admiral Bradford,
and Lt. Cdr. Crossfire join them as the meeting adjourns.
Avenger (examining a memo): Damn. Boom-Boom couldn't make it. (looks up)
I've received a very disturbing distress call from Admiral Picard. As you
well know, the signing of the Federation-Romulan Alliance is just a few days
away. We have believed all along that the Hidden Valley Ranch would find
SOME way to try to stop this.
Crossfire: Understandable, sir. Both the Romulan Empire and the Federation
have posed a threat to the HVR, but by unifying the two, the balance of
power shifts greatly toward the Federation.
Avenger: Exactly. Up until a few days ago, there was no sign of intrusion.
But now...Admiral Picard believes the HVR has started something, but he
can't quite tell what. He *claims* that the infighting of the past
several weeks never occurred...that these "memories" have only come to
us in the last 24 hours. He says he can't explain why, but that he has
it on good authority that someone is slowly changing our history.
Muirden: That's crazy. We've always had this trouble with the Romulans.
Bradford: That's what I've been *trying* to tell him.
< FWOOOOSSHHHH!! > The papers on Admiral Avenger's desk fly everywhere
as the Kunz appears next to the desk.
The Kunz (unsettled): Admiral Picard speaks the truth. Someone is altering
your history. If you don't do something about it soon, you will be at war
with the Romulans.
Kabeta: How can you know this?
The Kunz: We in the Kunz Continuum exist beyond time... We cannot travel
around in time freely, but we can tell when it is flowing incorrectly.
The Ashby has noted some peculiar relativistic distortions in the space-
time continuum over the last few weeks.
T'Lilith: So what can we do about it?
Avenger: Admiral Picard has requested a group of volunteers to meet him
at a particular set of coordinates as soon as possible. He wants an
even spread of people across all divisions, because he doesn't exactly
know what he's up against. Fifteen or so people should be enough.
Crossfire: I am, of course, going to be a part of this?
Avenger: You were his first choice, of course, Commander.
The Kunz: You don't have time to fly there in your ships. The Continuum
offers assistance in that regard.
Avenger (looks up at The Kunz): Really? You'll do that for us?
The Kunz: If our toys break, we can't play with them any more, can we?
Avenger: Harumph. (pause) Back to your ships. Explain the situation.
Give me a list of volunteers by (looks at watch) 0300. I'll let you know
who's going by 0400 and they should be on board the _Rampage_ by 0500.
The meeting adjourns. The Admirals and The Kunz remain behind.
T'Lilith: If it *is* the HVR, we don't know what they might use. Maybe
even biological contaminants. (pause) I'm going.
Avenger: boH'wI, this sounds dangerous. If...
T'Lilith (with a look of ferocity in her eyes): I...AM...GOING.
Avenger (resigned): All right. I will be riding with you in the _Rampage_,
since Picard and I are supposed to attend the final days of the treaty
signings. But I won't be able to go on the mission with you. Ack.
* * * * *
On board the _USS Rampage_:
T'Lilith: We're all here now. (looks at her chronometer impatiently)
It's 0503 and he's not here yet.
< FWOOOOSSHHHH!! > The Kunz appears behind her, looking at his watch.
The Kunz: Your watch is a litle fast. Mine says 0459.
Avenger: Well, let's get this over with, shall we?
The Kunz: My pleasure.
< FWOOOOSSHHHH!! > The crew experience a certain amount of seasickness
as the _Rampage_ is flung 100,000 light years in a matter of seconds.
The Kunz: I'll have to be going now, unfortunately. (devilish grin) Exams
to grade, you know. Enjoy the trip.
< FWOOOOSSHHHH!! > The Kunz disappears, leaving the crew hanging in space.
Avenger: Euge, can you locate our position?
Yee (tapping away): We're about 2 light-years from the coordinates Admiral
Picard gave us. I can have us there in a few minutes.
T'Lilith: Make it so. The rest of you...start getting your gear together.
Avenger: Oooo, I love it when you take charge.
T'Lilith playfully backhands Avenger across the face.
* * * * *
"Star Fleet Commander's Personal Log, Stardate 102001.9:
The end is nearing and I grow more anxious by the moment. CaesarSalad's
companionship has been helpful, but even her reassuring words have not been
enough to overcome the dread that faces me should I fail in this task."
Jean-Luc Picard rocks back and forth on his feet and hugs his arms closer
to his 110 year old body.
CaesarSalad: Are you nervous?
Picard: Worried. And very cold.
CaesarSalad: You're not as young as you used to be.
Picard (a little annoyed): I'm quite aware of that. (looking up at the stars)
They should be along soon though.
CaesarSalad (curious): How can you know that?
Vice Admiral Data approaches from the direction of the large stone portal.
Data: Your suspicions were correct, Admiral. If you had not brought us to
this refuge two weeks ago, we would never have noticed the time distortions.
Picard: I am just very irritated that I did not remember sooner, Data.
(pause) I'm not as young as I used to be.
Data (obliviously): Obviously, sir.
CaesarSalad (shaking her head): Data...
T'Lilith (ss): Admiral T'Lilith to Admiral Picard. Request permission
to Croutonize our party to your coordinates.
Data: How did they get here so fast, sir? At maximum Jolt-Warp, they
should not have been able to reach us for sixteen days, seven hours,
thirty-five minutes--
Picard: Data! (taps communicator) Permission granted, Admiral.
The puny _Rampage_ Croutonizer begins to Croutonize the landing parties,
three at a time. First Admiral T'Lilith, Admiral Avenger, and Crossfire
appear, soon followed by Highlander, Soraya, Jez and Icefalcon; Missy,
Euge and Muirden; Kabeta, McDonagh and Counselor Tracy; Wankoid, Parker
and Gretzky; and finally a lonely Jason Taubman surrounded by electronic
gear and weapons.
* * * * *
Picard: The Hidden Valley Ranchers are using a three-fold attack on our
history. By increasing Federation-Romulan tensions in our own past, the
Alliance will never be able to exist.
Crossfire: How can we be aware of these changes if they inherently affect
our own lives?
Picard: This planet acts as a refuge from time distortions. I came here
a few weeks ago, before they began. There have been a few minor distortions
since then and you all have been affected by them...but I have not. Soon,
however, there will be a sharp transition as the Hidden Valley Ranchers
leap into our past and make these changes.
Ghiasi: So what are we going to do about it? How can we know where and
when they made these changes?
CaesarSalad (from nearby): Picard. Something very strange just happened.
Soraya taps into Star Fleet Communications using the small "radio" set
that came down with Taubman.
Voice 1: --ptain of the _USS Tryla Scott_, NCC-22342. Heavy casualties
on our ship and the _Hood_. We have lost the _Valiant_, but all five
Romulan warbirds are finally destroyed--
Voice 2: --are under attack at Rigel IV. Twelve -- no, make that fifteen
warbirds closing fast. Reinforcements necessary. We can not last more
than a few minutes--
Voice 3: --tain of the Yoyobqian _SS Snagglebarf_. Gnarglyboo! We are
under gaggleybarnacle attack--
Voice 4: --damn Vulcans have destroyed the last two ships, but we will
make sure they are quarantined. Star Fleet does not need the Vulcans
assisting the Romulans--
T'Lilith (slams the off switch): ghuy'cha! (to Picard) What the hell
is going on here?
Picard: Damn. It's sooner than I thought. Lt. Parker, Data, would
you please run a comparison of our histories and official Star Fleet
histories, as recorded at the nearest Starbase? You should find a few
divergent points in our history...one of which takes place during my
command of the _USS Enterprise_.
The crowd of gathered officers begins to murmur in curiosity, while Data
and Parker walk away to begin their work.
* * * * *
Data: We have found three strong cases of divergence, Admiral.
Parker: In your time as captain of the _Enterprise_, Admiral, there were
reports of Star Fleet vessels making sneak attacks on Romulan bases
across the Neutral Zone. The _Enterprise_ was even reported to be one
of those ships.
Picard: Which, of course, it wasn't.
Data: There are also several reports of *Romulan* incursions into Federation
space, using biological weapons on Federation colony worlds, during the
late 23rd Century.
Parker: And this is the kicker: reports of terrorist devices that killed
several delegates to the first Federation Council meeting in the early
22nd Century. The Vulcans blamed the death of Ambassador T'Pau on inferior
human security precautions and Earthling terrorists and began a long line
of mutual distrust between the Vulcans and the Federation.
T'Lilith: Impossible. T'Pau refused a seat on the Federation Council and
lived to be nearly 300 years old.
Crossfire: Admiral, I volunteer my services to prevent T'Pau's death and
preserve our version of the first Federation Council meeting.
Picard: No, Commander. Your tactical abilities will be better used in
another time period. Admiral T'Lilith and I will discuss your assignments
and return within the hour.
* * * * *
Admirals T'Lilith and Picard return to the clearing and the officers
re-assemble.
Picard: Captain Muirden, your abilities seem to be best suited in dealing
with 23rd Century starship captains. You will be taking the team into
the 23rd Century time period. Admiral T'Lilith and Dr. Icefalcon will
join you to work on a way to stop the biological contaminants. Lt. Cdr.
Zortylwankoid, Lt. Cdr. Midzor, and Lt. Yee will join you in order to
give you the technological edge needed to match 23rd Century Federation
ships against 25th Century Rancher technology.
Yee: Ho boy.
T'Lilith: Lt. Cdr. Ghiasi, you will lead a team into the early 22nd Century.
Your mission will be to stop the terrorist bombings and help Ambassador
T'Pau to live a long life. Mr. Gretzky, Mr. McDonagh, and Ms. Parker
will join you to--
Taubman: Admiral.
Picard: Yes, Lietuenant?
Taubman: I volunteer my services to assist that away team. I have been
working on a "personal Croutonizer" as a hobby for some time now. Perhaps
we can use such a device to our advantage.
Picard: Very good, Mr. Taubman. You will join the team. It is *vital*,
Commander Ghiasi, that no notice is taken of your away team. It could
just as easily disrupt the formation of the Federation as the terrorist
activites you are to prevent.
Ghiasi: Point well taken, Admiral. Are you sure you want ME to lead this?
T'Lilith: Yes.
Picard: Captain Kabeta, you will lead the 24th Century team. Your primary
goal is to convince ME of the problem so that I can help you solve it.
Kabeta: I don't understand, Admiral.
Crossfire (sudden look of understanding): We're going to leap onto the
_Enterprise_, aren't we? (pause, then shock) That's why--
T'Lilith: Crossfire, Highlander, Counselor Tracy, and Lt. Jez will be joining
you. Good luck, Captain.
Picard: Vice Admiral Data will time your jumps. Please get your gear and
assemble at the Guardian. Good luck to you all.
* * * * *
Guardian: I am the Guardian of Forever. Let me be your gateway.
Data: Guardian, we wish to enter three time periods in Federation history.
Will you please scan that region?
The interior of the Guardian becomes misty and the images of centuries of
Federation history scan by with incredible speed.
Guardian: That which you request is now in progress. May your journey
be a pleasant one.
Crossfire (grumbling): It had better be more than that.
Data: 22nd Century team, prepare to leap. 23rd Century team, stand by.
Data glances at the Guardian, then stares into his tricorder.
Data: Now.
Soraya, Gretzky, Parker, McDonagh, and Taubman leap through the time portal
and vanish into history.
Data: I will wait for it to scan around, then the next team will leap through.
Avenger approaches T'Lilith and kisses her high on the cheek.
Avenger: Good luck.
She wraps his hand in hers for a moment as a mind meld passes between them.
She opens her eyes...and smiles.
T'Lilith: I'll be needing the car tonight, dear.
Data: Fifteen seconds...
Muirden: Gather around, team.
Data: Now.
The second team leaps through and vanishes into the past.
CaesarSalad: I hope this works, Picard.
Jez: Meowr mrowp meow prrp meowp hiss mrowp. [Geez, don't be so pessimistic.]
Picard: Crossfire, don't let me down.
Crossfire glares back at Picard for a moment, looking as if his best friend
has betrayed him. He then notices the sincerity in Picard's face and nearly
begins to smile with confidence.
Data: Now.
The final team leaps into the past. The images in the Guardian of Forever
fade. Data shuts his tricorder and looks up to Picard.
Data: They should all be in the proper time frames now, Admiral.
Picard: We need to go. They will be expecting us at Star Fleet Command.
Avenger: There's no Alliance waiting for us any more. Why should--
Picard: If our friends are successful, there will be by the time we
arrive. (pause) We'll go in my ship and leave the _Rampage_ here for
the away teams upon their return.
Data, Picard, Avenger, and CaesarSalad group together for Croutonization.
The camera zooms in on Picard.
Picard: Let's get the hell out of here.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Next time, on an all-new episode of
Staaaaar Trek: The Crouton Generation
"The Crouton on the Edge of Forever, part 2: The Big Hello"
Kabeta, Highlander, Crossfire, Jez, and Counselor Tracy arrive on the
_Enterprise_-D, buuuuuuuut will Captain Picard believe they are from the
future? Will Worf mistake them for Romulan saboteurs and turn them into
crispy little critters? Can Jez manage to wheedle some Pounce out of
Guinan? Will Highlander challenge Riker to a nice, friendly game of
full-contact poker? Find out on the next exciting episode of Star
Trek: The Crouton Generation!
-----------------
Star Trek: The Crouton Generation
"The Crouton on the Edge of Forever"
part 2 of 9: "The Big Hello"
Written by Crossfire and Admiral Avenger
Guest stars
Patrick Stewart as Captain Jean-Luc Picard
Jonathan Frakes as Commander William T. Riker
Brent Spiner as Lieutenant Commander Data
LeVar Burton as Lieutenant Geordi LaForge
Marina Sirtis as Counselor Deanna Troi
Michael Dorn as Lieutenant j.g. Worf
Diana Muldaur as Dr. Katherine Pulaski
Wil Wheaton as Acting Ensign Wesley Crusher
Colm Meaney as Transporter Chief O'Brien
Incidental Music by David Byrne
Directed by Sylvester McCoy
Produced by Terry Nation
[Interior, USS _Enterprise_ NCC 1701-D, Commander Riker's quarters. Riker,
Data, Worf, Pulaski, Troi and Wes are sitting at the poker table, having a
game of poker. Riker and Wes are the only ones still holding cards; the
others are watching intently. Wes puts down his hand, and Riker tosses his
cards down. Wesley smiles and rakes in the considerable pot. Worf barks a
startling laugh, and Pulaski, who is sitting on his left, jumps, frightened.]
Worf: Sorry, Doctor.
Pulaski [Holding her hand to her chest]: Where's my Tricorder? I think my
heart's stopped.
Riker: You're getting good at this, Wes.
Wes: I've been practicing.
Riker: Really? With whom?
Wes: Oh, I programmed the computer to play poker. It's not as much fun as
playing with real people, but it keeps me in practice.
Troi [finishes gathering up cards and hands them to Data]: Data, your deal.
[Data takes the cards and goes through a series of fancy shuffles, which takes
about two minutes.]
Riker [gesturing to both Data and Wes]: Between these two, I think I'm out
of my league.
Data: The game is Seven Card Stud. After the Jack, suicide kings are wild.
Ante up.
[Everyone antes, and the com bleeps for attention.]
Geordi [ic]: Engineering to Commander Riker.
Riker [tapping com pin]: Riker here, go ahead Geordi.
Geordi: Commander, are you running any strange experiments up there?
Riker [looking at the others]: Data's been doing some of his fancy shuffling,
but otherwise no. Why?
Geordi: Well, I'm reading some serious power fluctuations in the power
couplings near your quarters, and I don't think Data's shuffling can
quite account for them. All the other rooms in that section are empty,
so I thought you might have some insight into this.
Riker: No. We're just playing poker.
Data [tapping com pin]: Data here, Geordi. Have you run a diagnostic?
Computer:
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