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STAR TREK: THE CROUTON GENERATION
SEASON THREE
Episodes #29-32
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Mon, 4 Mar 91 11:27:25 -0500
From: bryant@husc9.harvard.edu (Katherine 'Kabeta' Bryant)
Subject: another new episode from Yawn.... (***MEDIUM***)
Captain's Log: Stardate 102073.6
I know I just entered a Captain's Log half an hour ago, but the
novelty hasn't really worn off yet. God, I love being Captain! I
believe I already mentioned my huge, luxurious, chair in the
_center_ of the bridge? We're cruising smoothly through
interstellar space now without a care in the world...
Has-Beens
Written by: Angela Winner
Music by: The Harvard Band, The Harvard Glee Club, The
Harvard/Radcliffe Orchestra, The Wind Ensemble, The Collegium
Musicum, The Bach Society Orchestra, the Radcliffe Pitches, The
Opportunes, The Callbacks, The Krokodiles, The Din and Tonics, The
Kuumba Singers, Under Construction, The Radcliffe Choral Society,
Camerata, The Ensemble Society, The Gilbert & Sulivan Players, The
Hasty Pudding Theatricals Jazz Band, Jazz for Life, Musica Modus
Vivendi, Musicians against Homelessness, and featuring the Mather
Singers.
Filmed on Location in Boston, Massachusetts by Beantown
Productions, Ltd.
Guest Starring:
George Burns as Captain Garbonzo
Ronald Reagan as Beanito
Bob Hope as Peatur
* * * * *
[On the bridge of the _Subaru_]
Ensign Practor: Captain, we're picking up a small spacecraft on
long distance scanners.
half japanese: On screen.
Pr: Which screen? There are lots of screens on the bridge,
Captain.
hj: The big one! In the front! *sheesh*
[The main screen lights up to display a tiny, kidney-shaped
vehicle.]
hj: What's the vessel's course and speed?
Pr: Which vessel. Theirs or ours?
hj: Arrggh!!! Lt. Kessner, what is the vessel's course and speed,
please?
Kessner: It's proceeding at sublight speed towards sector 215,
129, 768.
hj: And the type of ship?
K: Very strange, Captain--it appears to be an ancient Earth
design, one that was discontinued before large-scale exploration of
the galaxy was even begun. There are three life forms aboard.
hj: [perplexed] What would it be doing out here? Suggestions?
Jim Palmer: It could be adrift, crewless, an empty metallic shell
in the vastness of the cosmos, devoid of even the echoes of the
crew it once housed, without hope or purpose. It could be the
victim of some senseless catastrophe...
hj: [gently] Yes, Number One, that could be the case. Your really
shouldn't dwell on it so much, you know. Missy?
Midzor: That design significantly predates our traditional saucer-
and-engines structure. Warp fields couldn't accomodate the bean
shape, so they were abandoned when warp drive was introduced. It
must have travelled at very near c to be here at all.
Thokk: The recent widespread use of cloaking devices in disguises
suggests that it might be a ruse. We should proceed with all
caution until we have determined the precise nature of the
situation.
hj: Point taken. Oh wow, isn't this exciting! Our first real
encounter. We could dash boldly up, like James T. Kirk, or try
diplomacy, like Jean-Luc Picard. What would be best? [she
ponders] Ah well, no need to get _too_ creative. Open hailing
frequencies. [She stands before the monitor.] This is Captain
half japanese of the Federation Starship the USS _Subaru_. Please
identify yourselves and state your purpose.
[The main veiwscreeen lights up, revealing a dim and cramped cabin.
The hunched figure of Captain Garbonzo (George Burns) occupies the
captain's chair. He is wearing an unrecognizable uniform and
smoking a cigar.]
Garbonzo: Federation? Federation? Hah! There's no way in hell
the Federation could be out here! This ain't exactly a horse drawn
rocket we're ridin'. Who the hell are you!?! Don't try your alien
mind tricks on me!
hj: [a bit suprised] I assure you, sir, we mean you no harm. This
is the Federation starship _Subaru_...
G: [interuppting] Hah! Likely story! I'm Captain Garbonzo of the
USS _Pinto_, one of the three fastest ships in the Galatic Navy!
Flagship of the Three Bean Salad Exploratory Force! Ain't that so
Beanito?
[Beanito, (Ronald Reagan), is tottering along behind him. He stops
and scratches his head.]
Beanito: Well, I don't seem to recall that particular incident...
[Peatur (Bob Hope) jumps to the rescue.]
Peatur: There were these three ships, see, the _Nino_, the
_Pinto_, and the _Santo Mario_.
G: And we've been in deep space so long there's only three of us
left. There's no _way_ you could have beaten us here. [leaning
forward] Now back off or we'll blow you into your component atoms.
[The _Subaru_ crew casts worried glances at each other as we cut to
commericial.]
* * * * *
Annoncer: [trying to sound upbeat despite a centuries long losing
streak] Pepsi! The choice of a new generation. Really! This
time it's true! [Disappears in a montage of trendy colors.]
[Cut to a man in a space suit jiggling and twitching in an open
hanger bay.]
symapathetic voice over: Do you suffer from space suit itch? Stop
the crawling, burning sensation with...
[A dilapidated lurching pile of plastic draped with what might have
once been pink fur stumbles into the foreground.]
more powerful voice over: Energizer Batteries! They keep going,
and going, and going...
[The bunny disappears over the edge of the hanger.]
* * * * *
[The bridge of the _Subaru_.]
hj: A decidedly hostile reception.
T: Their story could be true. The _Heisenberg_ has a shuttlecraft
named after Captain Garbonzo. He was assumed lost centuries ago.
M: They must have been travelling decades in their own subjective
time. No wonder they're bonkers.
hj: I don't want to harm the old boys. Any ideas from security?
T: [enthusiastically] Get lots of psionic enhancing tea and hook
the Silmarils into the holocorridors. Call everybody with psionic
powers onto the bridge and have them form a huge circle focusing
their energies...
hj: [interrupting] Whoa! Thokk! This is _not_ the _Heisenberg_!
We don't _have_ psionic powers!
T: [sheepishly] Oh yeah, right. Well, failing that, I've always
found intimidation effective.
hj: Intimidation? [pauses, smiles] Yeah, I think I could do
that. Open hailing frequencies. [Captain Garbonzo appears,
apparently awakened form a short nap.] Now you listen, you bunch
of Venerable Vegetables! Don't give us any trouble and no one will
get hurt.
G: [coughs] Now, I'm no spring chickpea, but I don't doubt we
could finish off the likes of you! [glares]
hj: [tries again] Captain Garbonzo, let me explain the situation.
THIS SHIP HAS THE CAPABILITY TO SQUASH YOU TO HUMUS! You're gonna
be one blackeyed bean if you try to tangle with us. So unless you
want to end your mortal existence as bean dip, come quietly!
T: [aside] Nice.
Be: Well, we'd be forced to respond decisively at that juncture.
T: One blast from these phaser banks and you're frijoles refritos!
You can't possibly withstand us.
G: Is that so? Watch this! [cackles wildly]
T: [from tactical] Captain, the _Pinto_ is accelerating toward
us...in reverse!
M: Duck!
[Lt. Kessner pulls the _Subaru_ into a sharp sideways dive as it
slices out of the patho of the oncoming _Pinto_. Garbonzo curses
and starts to haul his ship around for another charge.]
M: The design flaw! The lightest tap on the back of one of those
things and they'll blow up!
[The _Pinto_ charges again, and the lights go out as the _Subaru_
swings back and under the oldtimer's ship.]
G: Hah! Hah! Hah! Thought you could outsmart old Garbonzo, eh?
Whooooeee!
[The _Subaru_ feints right and then squirts up and left, barely
evading the suicidal Garbonzo.]
hj: Oh! If only I were back playing bridge again on the
Chivalier!
[The _Pinto_ slams on full retros and comes to an abrupt stop,
spinning slightly.]
G: A fourth? A fourth? [There are tears in the old man's eyes.]
We haven't had a fourth for years!
hj: Would you gentlemen like to come aboard and play some bridge?
[All three are crowded in front of the transmitter.]
G: Oh, we'd _love_ to!
Pe: A fourth?
Be: God bless you!
hj: It's settled then. Ensign Practor, lock on the tractor bean,
*damn* I mean _beam_, and bring in their ship.
[fade out]
[Later. The Croutonizer room.]
Be: Why didn't you give me the heart ruff so I could take you off
the endplay?
Pe: You _bid_ three hearts! I thought you had...
Be: I was bidding Venusian low-high reverse!
hj: Goodbye, Captain Garbonzo. I'm sure the staff at Starbase LMC
will take good care of you.
G: [shaking her hand] I had a wonderful time. That set of
conventions you have is really astounding.
hj: Well, there have been advances. [Helps him up onto the
Croutonizer platform.] I look forward to playing again sometime.
G: Me too. [waves] Well, lentil we meet again!
[They croutonize out.]
-----------------
Date: Mon, 4 Mar 91 11:27:00 -0500
From: bryant@husc9.harvard.edu (Katherine 'Kabeta' Bryant)
Subject: Heisenberg episode! (***LONG***)
Well, here it finally is. This has been in the writing for most of three
weeks now (with my apologies to Nathaniel and Tasha, who have been waiting
patiently for it to come out). Hey, my first episode, dudes!...
*********
"Not a Word Was Spoken"
by Michael Kleber
Produced by Natasha Bergson
Natasha Bergson by Nathaniel Michelson
Introducing Natasha Bergson as Ananda
Guest starring Julie Andrews as Berylia
*********
"Captain's log, Stardate 102116.3
"The _Heisenberg_ is currently en route to the planet Deganwy 3 to pick up
a new crew member who is, it seems, to be apprenticed to our Speaker for
the Dead. Given the Speaker's unnerving habit of showing up exactly
where he doesn't-- or does-- belong, having someone else like him on
board should prove interesting. Going back to Deganwy should be odd,
too-- the _Heisenberg_ has only been there once before, nearly a year ago,
and that was also at the Speaker's request, and also about this same
person. Well, at least the people won't surprize us quite as much
this time..."
*********
[Interior shot, Kabeta's ready room. The Speaker walks in calmly, and
is followed in by an euqally calm hippo.]
Sp: You wanted to see me, Captain?
K: Yes, Speaker. Please, sit down.
[He sits comfortably. The hippo walks back out, this time through the door.
Kabeta glances after the animal with a mixture of bemusement and annoyance,
then turns serious and looks back at the Speaker.]
K: I just wanted to make sure our trip to Deganwy would be for a good
reason... this time.
[The Speaker looks up at her, meets her gaze calmly. When he says nothing,
Kabeta continues]
K: I know that our first trip there was simply a request, and
didn't carry the authority that you have as a religious officiary,
but levaing only two days after we arrived was a bit of a... surprise,
shall we say?
Sp: Captain, maybe it will help if I explain what happened on our first
trip there? You've had full access to my report on the incident,
but since you never read it, I might as well explain personally.
[Kabeta looks mildly surprised at the Speaker's offhand assumptions as
to what she has and hasn't done, but decides to let it go for now.]
Sp: Thank you, Sir. If you'd call up my file "flash.bak" on your
terminal, please?...
*********
[Flashback.
Exterior shot, the planet Deganwy.
It is now a number of months earlier, and the _Heisenberg_ is in orbit
about the same planet toward which it is now headed. A croutonizer
beam sounds, and the Speaker materializes on the planet's surface.]
Voice over, subtly female: Welcome, Speaker for the Dead.
[No one is in sight, but this does not seem to bother the Speaker.
He walks towards a nearby house and enters. A young woman is standing
inside the door, and she nods to him.]
Sp: Thank you. But unless I am mistaken, you are not the one who
sent out the request for a Speaker-- a most unusual request,
coming from this planet.
Woman (in the same voice as before): No, you are not mistaken. And
I apologize for talking to your mind, but with your training,
it was possible, and we always prefer it.
Sp: I understand... but do try to communicate verbally with the landing
parties; they get depressed when no one talks to them. But I still
do not know who sent out the request.
W: My daughter, Ananda. She is playing with the children; come with me.
[The two walk a bit, and come to a group of relatively young-looking
men and women laughing and throwing around various balls and other toys.
One of the women from the other side of the group comes running over to
them, smiling happily.]
An: Gwydden, you came! [(Ed. note-- "dd" is read like "th" in "this")]
[The Speaker looks distinctly taken aback by her greeting.]
An: Oh, I'm sorry. Speaker, that's what I'm supposed to call you.
You were just standing there with such an open greeting that I
just had to...
[Her words taper off, but not with with the feeling that she finished,
just that she stopped talking.]
Sp (recovering slowly): I understand, Ananda.
[Ananda smiles as he uses her name]
An: See? You used my name without me telling it. You did it too!
Sp: No, I'm afraid your mother told me your name.
[Ananda is momentarily crestfallen, but perks up almost immediately.]
An: That's OK, you just need a little practice. Youu almost did it!
Here, let's go talk.
[In the same whirlwind of motion and happiness, she dashes back to what
are clearly the playing "children" who look to be in their 20's, and
grabs one of the objects being thrown around-- an oversized stuffed
Teddy Bear wearing a red hat with a big feather in it. The bear looks
like it should be in a picture book.]
W: I'm afraid you may be a little surprized by why my daughter sent for
you, Speaker.
Sp: Any call for a Speaker for the Dead from a planet whose normal
way of communicating is telepathic is surprising, Berylia-- it's
only because most places don't have anything approaching your
planet's communal memory of "dead" people that my skills are
ever needed. That curiosity is why I had to come.
Be: You understand more than I thought, Speaker. Go with my daughter now,
and she will explain as best she can. I only hope you can understand
better than we can.
[Ananda comes back with her Teddy Bear and keeps walking; the Speaker
follows her indoors. Berylia looks after them and wonders whether
the Speaker noticed that he never asked her name.]
[End flashback]
*********
[Fade back into Kabeta's ready room.]
K: Very well, Speaker. There was clearly more going on during our last
visit here than you bothered to tell me. (She looks at him with a
breifly fiery glance, but does not make it last.) But why *were* you
called, if all their dead remain in the communal memory of the
planet?
Sp: Because of what isn't on the records, captain-- what Ananda said to
me just after I stopped recording the file. Ananda took me inside,
and very seriously told me that she wanted me to Speak the death of
someone that neither she nor anyone else on the planet knew.
ic: Captain to the Bridge.
K: Make it quick, Speaker. We were only there for a few days, and you
left without doing a Speaking. Why are we taking on as an apprentice
Speaker a girl who called you to speak the death of someone whom
she says is dead but was never alive?
Sp: Because he's not dead, Captain.
[Kabeta looks directly at the Speaker for a beat, almost says something,
then deicdes the better of it and walks out onto the bridge, narrowly
avoiding tripping over the hippo just outside the door in the process.]
*********
[Ten Forward.
The lounge is unusually crowded, and the hubbub of conversation is lively
and happy. Lt. Cdr. McDonagh is going from table to table with a notebook
in hand-- one which looks suspiciously like the book given to him back
on Rubber Chicken. He is currently talking with Thokk.]
McD: And it would only give you lettuce?
Th: Yeah, someone had set my VEGITARIAN parameter to true, so
I got lettuce instead of roast-beef. But then Iluvanna's
machine kicked in, and all of a sudden all the vegetables I'd
beed getting got up and attacked me!
McD: That's odd-- most of the people I talked to had things happen to
them that they really *liked*...
Th: Liked? I LOVED it! It was great! I got to smash the things into
little green pulp! The ferns were the worst, they always wafted
out of the way just before the club hit them, but I got 'em all.
It was better than hacking on Lucky Charms! With fronds like those,
who needs enemies?!
[Thokk is pelted from several sides at once by random listeners, and
whirls to face them down. McDonagh hurries away before things get
messy, and makes his way back to Guendalina at the bar.]
Gu: How's the journal going, Torvald?
McD: That did it. I've gotten full accounts from everyone except the
other people with books like this one [he hold up his book, which
seems to have grown slightly since the Rubber Chicken view of it]--
and they may know more about what happened than I do. As far as I
can tell, only the five of us could consciously control the wild
reality Iluvanna conjured up for us all.
Gu: Which explains the hippos, right?
McD: Well, they seems like a good idea at the time. We have people
hunting the last of them on the cargo decks now, and...
Gu: What about the pet one the Speaker has?
McD: The WHAT?
Gu: One of those hippi has been following the Speaker around ever since.
Haven't you noticed the footprints?
McD: No, I guess not. That shouldn't be hippening!
[The group that had been ganging up on Thokk hears this and decides to
redirect their energies against the newer pun source.]
McD: Think I'll go look into this. See you!...
[He hurries out of the lounge before anyone can get to him, mumbling to
himself the entire time, and Guendalina goes back to drying champagne
glasses.]
*********
[Bridge]
Guardian: Entering standard orbit around Deganwy now, Captain.
Kabeta: (into the intercom) Speaker to the bridge.
Sp: (walking in from the turbolift behind her) Yes, Captain?
K: (not missing a beat) We're in orbit, Speaker. I assume you have
some idea as to what you plan to do now that we've arrived?
Sp: Well, we're being hailed from the planet now, Captain.
Guardian: How did you... oh, right, you're communications officer
too, aren't you. Obviously. Humph.
K: On screen.
[The main viewscreen lights up to show the same house the the Speaker
visited in the flashback scene, but with a completely new female in the
foreground.]
K: I am Captian Kabeta, of the USS _Heisenberg_. We are here to pick
up a new crewmember.
female (scr): Yes, Ananda, my daughter. She's been eager ever since she
got word that you were coming back.
K: Speaker, you did say we were coming for the same person as last
time, didn't you? That's not her mother.
female (scr): Oh, you must mean Berylia. She's Ananda's mother, too.
[Berylia walks on-screen too.]
B (scr): Hello again, Captain. Ananda is all ready to go; she's been
waiting.
K: Our Speaker for the Dead will be down shortly. (The screen goes
dark.) And it would be nice to actually have something happen as
expected once and a while, Speaker. Just for a change.
Sp: (smiling) Oh, I never know what's going to happen either.
[The Speaker walks over to the turbolift, the door opens, and he walks
in and stands next to the hippo inside.]
Sp: But that stopped bothering me years ago, Sir.
*********
[Interior of Iluvanna's quarters, but barely recognizable as such.
The usually dim, spartain room is surprisingly bright, and there is
a woman there, with long masses of brown hair flowing around as she
turns her head to look at him. She is somber, and is about to say
something when the door chime sounds.]
Il: Who is it?
McD: (through the closed door) It's McDonagh. I was hoping I could
talk to you for a minute.
[Iluvanna turns back to the woman-- who is frozen in the same position,
still "about to say something." He makes a motion, and suddenly
everything disappears and the normal room is back. The door opens.]
McD: I've been collecting a journal of sorts, of what everyone
experienced during your experiment with the Silmarils. I've
gotten almost everyone, but you haven't talked about what happened
to you at all.
Il: (flatly) You're right. I have not.
McD: (undeterred) I've talked to everyone but you, the Speaker, and
the captain now, and it seems that those of who had read our
Rubber Chicken books (holds up his) could control what was going
on around us, while everyone else's environment was created for
them. Where were *you*? And did you chose it?
Il: Mr. McDonagh, I have no intention of wasting my time explaining
to you or anyone else my personal whereabouts. I can confirm your
observation-- I was in control of my environment. I hope that
satisfies you.
McD: (Gets the hint) Right. You need to smile more, Lieutenant.
Here, take some tea. (Hands him a bag) Enjoy.
[Without waiting for a response, McDonagh turns and leaves the room.]
*********
[Transporter room. Generic ensign is operating the controls, as
the Speaker for the Dead, Ananda, and Ananda's teddy bear (with
accompanying red hat) beam aboard. As they finish materializing,
Ananda looks around bright-eyed, smiling, with her long brown hair
waving behind her as she tries to look in all directions at once.]
An: Oh, it's *so*... so different! There are so few people...
but all so close together, and they make so much noise, it's
like you're always in the middle of a crowd!
Sp: Yes, people's thoughts aren't as sheilded here, since most
people can't hear the noise. You'll get used to it soon.
An: But it's not just noise, though, it's real-- and you can tell
how people feel by just *looking* at them! See, the ensign
there is waiting for youy to say something like "Thank you"
or nod your head to him, so he can walk out.
Sp: Thank you, Ensign. You can go, I'll take care of everything.
[The ensign looks from the one to the other with a strange expression
on his face, then turns tail and flees the room.]
An: Oh, he didn't like that. I don't understand. I shouldn't have
said anything? But he did want you to say it-- but... you were
supposed to do it not because he wanted it, but without knowing?
It's all so confusing...
Sp: You're doing fine... and you're going to be amazing. Come on,
I'll take you to your quarters, and we'll go past the door to the
lounge on the way... but you have to promise not to say anything!
An: Oh, I'll be good. (Suddenly child-like) Bartholomew says
I will, see? (She picks up the Teddy Bear, and his red hat
almost falls off, but not quite. Then suddenly she is very
mature again.) But I *do* want to meet people, Speaker.
Sp: (as they start to walk out) Oh, you will, trust me. I'll make
sure you do.
*********
[Random corridor, no mud or hippos or anything, just plain old walls
and doors. Kabeta is walking down it, when Lt. Cdr. McDonagh walks
in from a side corridor. Kabeta smiles as she sees him.]
McD: Captain, do you have a minute?
K: What can I do for you, Mr. McDonagh?
McD: I'd like to talk a little about what you saw during our bit of
surreality on the way out here.
[Kabeta's smile dims visibly at his words. She stops and turns to
him, as we...]
*********
[...cut to the Speaker and Ananda walking down a similar corridor.]
An: ...and the lounge is *always* like that? I love all the people
here! It's so much fun, just listning to them, and them talking
and telling you *everything* about themselves, and...
Sp: You will find some people aren't quite as open as the ones you've
seen so far. There are a few people here with quite a bit of
experience at controlling their minds.
[Ananda thinks about this for a minute, as they walk in silence.]
An: But then how can you Speak for someone like that?
Sp: You practice knowing people form their words and actions, even
without hearing the echoes of their minds and hearts-- that's
what the art of Speaking is. You're extraordinarily empathic,
so you have an advantage... you already know what kind of
answers you need to look for in a person. But the answers
come from lots of places, and...
[Ananda has stopped suddenly in front of a door just like all the
rest, but she's staring at it witha very troubled look on her face.]
An: What's in there?
Sp: Someone's quarters. Why?
An: It's like a pit... a hole or something. There's no feeling coming
from it. Like it's cut out of the rest of the people-feeling in
the ship.
[The Speaker hesitates for a good while, but Ananda doesn't notice,
still intent on the door in front of her. Finally the Speaker makes
up his mind.]
Sp: You'll learn about that, too, in good time. Come on for now.
[Ananda turns away regretfully, and they walk on in silence for
a few seconds. Then, as they are about to reach a corner, she
brightens up and dashes around it, almost knocking Lt. Cdr. McDonagh
over in the process.]
McD: Oof. Hello, Ma'am. You should be more careful.
An: No, that's OK, I meant to do that. I like you.
McD: Excuse me? I don't even think I know you.
An: Yup, you're right, you don't. We've never been anywhere
near each other before. (She smiles happily.) Gee, you're
so happy, *everybody* must smile around you. Of course I
like you!
McD: Captain? I yeild to your superior insight. What's going on
here?
K: In fact, I think I may have a guess. Do you know anyone else
who barges in unexpectedly and acts as if he belongs? This must...
Sp: (stepping around the corner) ...be my protegee. Ananda, meet
our very own Captain Kabeta. You seem to have already become
acquainted with Q. Torvald McDonagh, our Silly Support officer.
McD: Hey! I'm the cheif engineer, too, don't forget! (Breaks into
a wide grin.) But maybe the other is more significant in
this case. I think I like you too, Ananda.
K: This is strangely reminiscent of the first time *we* met,
Speaker. Like teacher, like pupil? Or dues it just come
naturally to those with your particular calling?
An: I like you, too, Captian. You're very different... you're
not trying to block your feelings from showing, but there
are other things there too... Oh, Gwydden, you're right, there
is a lot for me to learn here!
[Kabeta looks up in surprise as Ananda uses the Speaker's first name--
she has, after all, only heard it once before, in the flashback scene.]
Sp: (slightly embarassed) She, ah, does that with names when she gets
excited. I'll work on it.
[Kabeta looks amused; McDonagh merely smiles as Ananda goes right
on as if she had never been interrupted.]
An: ...and your eyes are beautiful! I love them, they almost glow...
K: Thank you, Ananda. Your hair is rather beautiful itself.
(She smiles again.) Now if you three will excuse me, I *was*
on my way somewhere.
[She turns the corner that Ananda and the Speaker just came around.]
An: Now that's the first person who wasn't put off by me. I'm going
to have to get to know her, Speaker.
McD: Most of the crew genuinely like the Captain, Ananda. She's
quite a remarkable woman. As you seem to be. (flirt??)
Sp: I think we'll have to be going now, Mr. McDonagh. But I get the
feeling Ananda will be looking for you in the future.
McD: I hope so. (He walks off in one direction, and the other two
in another.)
[Camera cuts back around the corner to Kabeta, who is standing in front
of what is unmistakably the door Ananda stopped in front of before.
McDonagh walks up to her.]
McD: Any luck?
K: No, you were right. He won't even answer my chime.
McD: I checked the computer, and the door hasn't been opened since
I left a few hours ago... and the holo projector has been running
almost continuously since before I even came. I got the feeling
I had walked in on something even then.
K: I believe you, and I'm not even all that surprised that he didn't
answer. No, it's something else that's getting me now.
McD: Hmm?
K: Well, I may be wrong, but when I first walked up, after leaving
the three of you... I thought I heard him crying.
[McDonagh looks thoughtful, but makes no response. Both deep in
thought, the two of them give one last look at Iluvanna's door and
then turn away, neatly sidestepping a large hippo wearing a red
hat with a feather sticking straight up out of the top, who walks
down the hall and turns the corner.]
***************************
-----------------
Date: Thu, 7 Mar 91 18:26:11 -0700
From: reidj@tramp (Crossfire)
Subject: ST:TCG "If You Don't Look Good..."
This episode is actually quite short.
------------------------------------------
Next time, on an all-New episode of Star Trek: The Crouton Generation--
"If You Don't Look Good..."
Guest stars Martin Short as Captain V'idal
Dana Carvey as Lieutenant K'lien
Incidental music by Erasure
Directed by Liz Clayborne
The Croutons run into some Klingon renegades, and it gets real ugly--
or rather, real tacky, real fast....
"Captain's Log, stardate CS2250. We are heading to the Klingon homeworld
to attend the p'aHrt-E, the Klingon version of Independence Day. We will
be one of three Federation Starships in attendance, and our presence is
entirely pomp and circumstance."
Crouton: Steady as she goes, Mr. Chuang.
Chuang: Aye, sir. ETA seven hours, fifty-three minutes, present speed.
Gretzky: Sir, I'm picking up a distress signal...very low gain. It's from
a colony supply ship. They say they've experienced catastrophic systems
failure, and request assistance.
Crouton: Signal we will assist. Lieutenant Chuang, alter course to
compensate, and increase to Warp 7.
Chuang [moving to comply]: Aye, sir...ETA ninety seconds.
Crouton [tapping com panel]: This is the Captain. Rescue teams stand to.
this is not a drill.
Icefalcon [ic]: Sickbay to Bridge. Signalling ready.
Taubman [ic]: Croutonizer Chief calling bridge, signalling ready.
Chuang: Now approaching coordinates.
Crouton: Bring us out of warp, Lieutentant.
Gretzky: Sir, this doesn't seem right...I'm not picking up anything...wait!
There is a ship decloaking! Sector two!
Crouton: Red Alert! On screen!
[We see a Klingon Bird of Prey decloak, her wings in attack posture.]
Crouton: What the...?
Gretzky: Captain, they are hailing us. Voice only.
Crouton [surprised]: Put them on speakers.
V'idal [his voice is effeminate and slightly lispy]: This is Captain V'Idal
of the Imperial Klingon Rogue Ship Sassoon. Surrender and prepare to
party.
Crouton [a beat, looking at Highlander]: What?
Gretzky: Their weapon systems are fully armed, sir.
V'idal [ss]: I'm serious, Captain. I couldn't do a *thing* with my hair
when I got up today, and I'm in a very cranky mood. Surrender
immediately.
Crouton [clearing his throat]: This is Captain Christoph...
V'idal [ss]: Yes, yes, yes. I know who you are. Are you going to surrender,
or not?
Crouton [still somewhat taken aback]: Uh...no...
V'idal [ss]: Oh, fine. *sigh* Lieutenant K'Lien, activate...oh...what's
it called? That red thingy.
K'lien [ss, faintly]: The whaaaaat? Oh...
[Suddenly a bright red beam lances out from the Sassoon's torpedo bay, striking
the Croutonprize. The shields glow bright white, then start to go through a
series of pastel colors: pink, purple, light blue, light yellow, etc. The
colors become more and more varied, but always stay pastel shades. A bright
flash of puce light flashes through the bridge. When it clears, we can see
that the entire room has been redecorated. The walls are a nice shade of
pink, with very light grey highlightings in all the right places, the carpet
has changed to a rosey colored shag design, and tasteful potted plants have
materialized in the corners of the room. Everyone is now either sitting on
throw pillows, or futons, as the case may be. Orange and blue party crepe
streamers now decorate the ceiling and walls, and calypso music is piping
soflty from the overhead speakers.
The crew now all sport new uniforms: loose-fitting, but still revealing,
silky, metallic-pastel colored things. All the com pins have changed into
pink carnations.
In short, the crew is ready for a party.
The turbolift doors (which are now a soft, pastel maroon) sigh open softly,
and Crossfire dashes headfirst onto the bridge, trips over a throw pillow, and
collapses on an umbrella plant]
Crossfire [entagled in foliage]: Shit! [He staggers to his feet, glaring.]
Where the fuck did that come from? [He sees the bridge and gapes.]
Crossfire and Crouton [chorus, pointing at each other]: What did you do to
your hair?
[Both Crossfire and Crouton have new hairdos (indeed, so do everyone else).
Crouton's hair is now moussed into a flattop Vanilla Ice-type do, and
Crossfire's is swept back against his head.
V'idal's image now appears on the screen. He wears the typical Klingon garb,
but instead of brown and black, his colors are more sort of mauvy shades of
pinkish russet, and he is wearing a very large posey in his lapel. A white
rabbit sits in his lap.]
V'idal [petting his rabbit with one hand and regarding the fingernails on the
other]: *sigh* Are you going to surrender now, or not?
Crossfire: Did HE do this? *gack*
Crouton [very confused]: Where's my rootbeer? [He reaches for where his
bottle of Masons' usually sits, and instead there is a cup of espresso and
two amaretto cookies.] Oh god. [He collapses into the futon
where his chair used to be.]
V'idal [appraising Higlander]: Flopsy says you should surrender at once.
Highlander [Angry, looking for his katana which seems to have been transformed
into a 18th century French fencing foil]: Not bloody likely, you poof.
V'idal: Naughty, naughty. Would you prefer we redecorate your ship again? I
must say, I don't really care for the wallpaper on your saucer section.
Much too floral. Perhaps something in paisleys? Yes, I think so.
Lieutenant K'lien, would you...[he gropes for words]...oh damn...
[One of the other Klingons on the bridge of the Sassoon turns around and
offers helpfully]: Make adjustments?
V'idal: Make the appropriate adjustments, yes. [He looks at the officer who
made the suggestion] Thanks, darling. You get an extra ration of hair
gel tomorrow.
Will the croutons escape this deadly foe? Will Jez the UltraKitty be seen
wearing an itsy-bitsy teeny-weeny yellow polkadot bikini? Will Highlander
get two "Snaps Up"? How long will it take for Captain Crouton to grow
his hair out again? Find out on the next redecorated episode of Star
Trek: The Futon Generation!
-----------------
Date: Thu, 7 Mar 91 18:29:43 -0700
From: reidj@tramp (Crossfire)
Subject: ST:TCG "Euge Boards" ***short!!***
Next time, on an all-new episode of Star Trek: The Crouton Generation--
"Euge Boards"
Euge asks his friends for their opinions on ouija boards, and all hell
breaks loose. Will Euge suffer a nervous breakdown for setting his friends
at each other's throats? Will Junk mail burst into flames? Can Crossfire
keep his mouth shut long enough to let Dr. Koval give his lecture? Will
the Kunz have to intervene? Find out on the next exciting episode of
Star Trek: The Occultismidity Generation!
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