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STAR TREK: THE CROUTON GENERATION
SEASON THREE
Episode # 36
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Next time, on an all-new episode of
STAR TREK: THE CROUTON GENERATION
"The Last Temptation of Chris"
Captain Crouton takes the _Croutonprize_ on a hellish joyride with the
aid of the Evi and a mysterious alien love. Will Jez the Wonder Kitty
spill the root beer? Will Crossfire be able to stop the ChrisP menace?
Will Kabeta sprain her ankle again? Winona Ryder guest stars in this
long-awaited episode. [Okay, so you've simply been waiting for me to
finish the damn thing.]
----------------
Date: Fri, 29 Mar 91 17:20:30 -0700
From: zecca@tramp (Admiral Avenger)
Subject: ST:TCG (REALLY LONG)
We open on the bridge of the _Croutonprize_, which is busy with its usual
amount of mid-morning affairs. The first officer sits in the captain's chair,
carefully cleaning and sharpening the blade of his katana. A warning light
begins to bleep on the Ops console.
Himle: Message coming in from Starbase, Commander.
Highlander: How can you tell?
Himle: It's a No-Doz subspace signal.
Highlander: Must be important. (taps panel) Capta--
The turbolift doors open and Captain Crouton marches stiffly out toward
the center of the bridge.
Crouton: The captain is already here.
Kinzie (approaching from the back of the bridge): Captain, I have the
latest requisition report ready for your approval.
Crouton (snapping): Later. (continues past to the center seat)
Kinzie (whispering, to Neon): What did I say?
Neon stares at Crouton, wrinkling his face in concern.
Crouton: On screen, Mr. Himle.
Admiral Avenger's appears on the main viewscreen. He sits quietly in
his office, with a window to the stars behind him. A _Salad_-class
starship is docked to a nearby arm of the starbase.
Avenger (somewhat emotionlessly): Captain Crouton, Star Fleet has an
immediate situation which they believe only you can deal with.
Crouton: Why me? Why not another--?
Avenger: The situation requires your *personal* attention, Captain. Plot
a course for Earth at maximum Jolt-warp. I want you to maintain radio
*silence* the entire trip. When you get to Earth, you should see Admiral
Sarah Tainor *in person* to receive your new orders. Avenger out.
Crouton: Lt. Chuang, plot the course please. Engage Jolt-Factor 9.2
as soon as possible.
Chuang: 9.2--?
Crouton: That's what I said, Mr. Chuang. (gets up, does the Picard
Maneuver) You have the bridge, Number One.
After the captain has left the bridge, Neal accelerates the ship up to
Jolt 9.2 and Neon comes down to join Highlander in the command center.
Highlander: What the f*** was that all about?
Neon: I don't know...but something doesn't seem right.
Wizzar (ic): What are you guys trying to do to me? I haven't been on the
job that long! **PLEASE** don't push the engines past their limits.
Highlander: Sorry, Lieutenant. The captain's on orders from Star Fleet.
I'll see if he can give you some slack, but he seems to be in a sh*tty
mood today.
Wizzar (ic, sarcastically): Thanks. Chief Engineer out.
* * * * *
Highlander: "First Officer's Log, Stardate 102423.4:
We have entered Klingon space and are heading rapidly toward Earth.
Wizzar and I have both asked the captain to slow to a reasonable speed,
now that we're back in the galaxy, but the he continues to decline all
such requests. With his moods of late...I am getting worried..."
Heidrich: Sorry, Dr. Icefalcon just left for lunch. Maybe I can help?
Neon: I wanted to see that captain's latest physical...
Heidrich: You and half the other top-ranked officers on the ship. I can
tell you right now -- the physical doesn't show anything unusual. Well,
perhaps I should rephrase that. There's nothing in the report that is
unusual for Chris Crouton.
Neon: What *did* you notice?
Heidrich: Oh, the usual amount of exhaustion, excessive adrenalin, too
much root beer, and allergies to peanuts and freshly cleaned clothing.
Neon: Something just *isn't* right. I can't place my finger on it.
FADE TO BLACK:
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"The Last Temptation of Chris"
Written by Admiral Avenger
Guest stars
Winona Ryder as Tlazolteotl
Melinda Snodgrass as Admiral Sarah Tainor
Evi Nemeth as the Evi
Special Guest Stars
Patrick Stewart as Admiral Picard
Directed by Diane Keaton
Executive Producer - Admiral Avenger
Executive Producer - Crossfire
Music by Kirk Thatcher
Performed by the Vienna Boys Choir
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Captain Crouton and Lt. Cdr. Crossfire Croutonize just outside the Star
Fleet Command Headquarters in San Francisco. They enter the building.
Crossfire (looking around): They redecorated this building again? Talk
about misappropriation of funds...
Crouton (snappy): Commander, I'm not in the mood for idle chit-chat today.
Crossfire: You're not in the mood for idle chit-chat *any* day lately.
What is your problem anyway?!? (pause, then stiffly) Sir!
Crouton suddenly diverts down an unfamiliar corridor which seems to head
down. Crossfire jogs down after him to catch up.
Crossfire: I'm sorry, Captain. I was out of line. I am simply concerned--
Crouton (animalistic): REAARRRR!!!!
Crouton brings his arms around, hands clasped, and catches Crossfire across
the side of his head. Even Crossfire's well-tuned battle reflexes didn't
see this coming, nor could they have even expected that Crouton would be
able to lift Crossfire five feet into the air and fling him twenty feet
down the hall with the single blow. Obviously, Crossfire is quite
unconscious (and quite injured) when he finally lands.
Crouton walks over and removes the communicator pin from Crossfire's uniform.
He opens it up, extracts a small screwdriver from his pocket, and disconnects
the pin's electronics from anything important. He then drags Crossfire into
a janitorial storage closet.
* * * * *
Captain Crouton appears on a pad in Croutonizer Room 4.
Taubman: Welcome back, Captain. How was the meeting?
Crouton (confused): Meeting? (a beat) Oh, all right, I guess.
Crouton heads for the door.
Taubman: Captain, where is Lt. Cdr. Crossfire?
Crouton: Oh, he'll be rejoining us at a later date. He's been...uh...
unavoidably detained.
Crouton leaves.
Taubman (head down, pushing buttons): Sorry I asked...
FADE TO BLACK
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
COMMERCIAL BREAK
They're the most powerful force in the Universe...and now they're taking
over your breakfast table...
Lucky Charms
Now with Grey Salad-Class marshmallows!!!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Highlander: "First Officer's Log, Stardate 102423.8:
Captain Crouton, operating under a shroud of secrecy, has plotted
a course for some unknown world on the coreward rim of Federation space.
I don't like not knowing what the f*** is going on -- I sure wish he'd
tell me."
Zortylwankoid pulls Soraya into an alcove on Deck 14.
Zortyl: SSSsshhh!! (pause) I think the captain's been hacking the
communications core.
Ghiasi: What?!
Zortyl: He could have faked that transmission from Admiral Avenger.
Ghiasi: Are you sure?
Zortyl: No...but it sure could be true. And there's evidence of other
tampering as well. It might not have been the captain...but he has
enough of the access codes to make the job easy.
Ghiasi: And enough of the expertise too.
Zortyl: Plus with the way he's been acting lately...
Ghiasi: I'll take a look into it.
* * * * *
Interior, _USS Heisenberg_ bridge.
Speaker: And this, Ananda, is the--
His communications console begins to blink and beep.
Ananda: Pretty!!
Speaker (tapping panel): Captain, we're receiving an emergency call from
Starbase LMC1.
Kabeta (ic): I'll take it in my office, please.
* * * * *
Kabeta: Admiral Avenger...what's up?
Avenger (serious): Have you talked to the _Croutonprize_ lately?
Kabeta (concern growing): No, why?
Avenger: I have reason to believe it left the galaxy three days ago and
has not returned.
Kabeta: Were they in pursuit of something or--?
Avenger: No. All was calm at my last report, then suddenly radio silence.
Kabeta: This is not good.
The view in the Starbase pans out, revealing a woman in Admiral's uniform
sitting across the desk from Avenger.
Avenger: Admiral Tainor believes -- by the way, Kabeta, have you met Sarah?
Kabeta: Yes, I believe we met at the Alliance party.
Tainor: Nice to see you again, Kabeta. Anyway, I believe they were headed
for Earth. I don't know why, it just seems like the logical choice.
Avenger: I don't know why either, but I do know that a _Salad_-class vessel,
running silent, could hide its presence to a reasonable degree of success.
Only another _Salad_-class would have much of a chance of finding it.
Kabeta: So...you want *me* to find them.
Avenger: Yup.
* * * * *
Highlander: "First Officer's Log, Stardate 102426.2:
We are approaching a rather plain brown planet on the far side of
the Romulan space, near the HVR border. Captain Crouton, while he hasn't
been as nasty as he was before, has been very unresponsive to my questions
about where the f*** we're going.
Meanwhile, our investigation of possible tampering by the captain
continues. If we can prove that *something* is wrong with him..."
Chuang: Well, we're here, Captain.
Highlander: Wherever the f*** here is...
Crouton: Number One, *please*. We have reached our destination and that
is all Star Fleet wishes you to know.
Highlander (whispering, rolling his eyes): Yeah, right.
Crouton: Yeoman Kinzie, break out my special case of root beer and set
up a Croutonian root beer ceremony for six on Holodeck 3. Counselor
Neon, I'd like you and Jez the Wonder Kitty to join us there in 30 minutes.
Neon (apprehensively): Uh..okay...
Crouton: And now...I'll be off...
Crouton dances to the turbolift, whistling "big bands" music. As soon as
the door closes, Soraya pipes up from Science Station 2.
Ghiasi: Karim, get up here.
Neon follows Highlander up to the Science Station, where Soraya and
Susan are set up before a video of old log entries and such.
Highlander: What's up?
Ghiasi: Take a look at this:
Avenger (tape): Captain Crouton, Star Fleet has an immediate situation
which they believe only you can deal with.
Ghiasi: Stop tape. (turning to Highlander) Well?
Highlander: Well what?
Parker: Notice anything peculiar?
Highlander: Peculiar? Yes. Out of the ordinary? No.
Ghiasi: Take a closer look. (points to a part of the screen)
Highlander: Wait. (reading off the starship in the background) NCC-1741-C?!?
Parker: Yes. Now how could we be docked to Starbase at the same time we're
receiving the transmission?
Highlander: F***ing weird, if you ask me. What else?
Parker: Further analysis showed the entire speech has been tampered with.
Admiral Avenger's speech and lip movements have been modified according
to a plan.
Highlander: Well, this is definitely strange. Who do you think did it?
Ghiasi: There's only two people on board capable of pulling this off?
Highlander: Yes...?!?
Ghiasi: Zortyl, who found the tampering...and Captain Crouton.
FADE TO BLACK:
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
COMMERCIAL BREAK
They're mean...they're green...and this time they're the pizza:
TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES XLIII:
MAGICALLY DELICIOUS
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
The Holodeck is laid out like the study in a large New England mansion.
Root beer replaces tea, but the sconds and crumpets are there in what
would otherwise look like a proper British tea setting. Neon fidgets
nervously in his seat, while Jez sniffs curiously at the sconds. Yeoman
Kinzie hovers around the table nervously.
Neon: C'mon, Jez, get out of that.
Jez (getting down): Mrow meowp! [All right already! Geeez!]
Kinzie: Counselor, why does he want to do the root beer ceremony now?
Neon (shrugging his shoulders): I have no idea. The captain hasn't
exactly been himself lately.
The Holodeck doors open and Captain Crouton enters with two women. The
first is a beautiful young lady with dark hair and a somewhat mystical
South American look about her. The other woman is older and is someone
that Neon recognizes...
Neon (on edge, whispering to Jez): The Evi?!? What the hell???
Jez (whispering): Mrow meowr mrew hiss meowp. [I'll go get security.]
Neon (whispering): No wait. He might do something drastic if you do.
Crouton (approaching the table): Friends, welcome to a little part of
my life. (pulls out a chair) Tlazolteotl, you'll sit here. (to Kinzie)
Yeoman, please serve the root beer.
Kinzie pops open the individual root beer bottles, then pours a great
portion of root beer into each frosted mug. Jez leaps down from his seat
and walks up to Tlazolteotl, sniffing curiously.
Jez: Mrow? [Hello.]
Tlazolteotl (reaching down to stroke his ears): Hello, kitty.
Jez takes advantage of the situation and leaps into her lap.
Tlazolteotl (petting Jez): You must be the Wonder Kitty I've been hearing
all about.
Jez: Mrow meow mrowp. [That's me. Yup.] Purrrrrrr. [A little further
down. Thanks.]
Crouton extends a hand out to pet Jez. Jez suddenly leaps out of Tlazolteotl's
lap, spilling the root beer and shattering glassware. He stops in the center
of the table, arching his back and hissing loudly.
Neon (frightened): Jez,...Jez, calm down...
Jez: HISSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!! [No way am I going to calm down!]
Neon: Jez, come on. He just spooked you. Isn't that right, Jez?
Jez: HISSSS!!!!!!!!!! [Hell no!]
Neon: ISN'T THAT RIGHT, JEZ?
Jez: HISSS-- Meow mrow meowp mrowp. [Oh, yeah. Right.]
Jez meekly leaps into his seat and sits down quietly as Kinzie tries to
clean up the mess. Crouton looks as if he's trying to control his temper,
then begins to whistle more "big-bands" music. Jez looks around nervously.
Then, Chris just as suddenly stops whistling and pulls Tlazolteotl into
his arms for a long kiss. Jez looks around more nervously.
* * * * *
Kabeta: "Captain's Log, Stardate 102426.1:
We have arrived at Earth and have seen no sign of the _Croutonprize_.
I am heading down to Star Fleet Headquarters to ask a few questions."
Picard (horrified look on his face): Kabeta, thank goodness you're here.
Kabeta: Admiral Picard,...what's wrong?
Picard: It's Crossfire...I think you'd better come see this...
He leads her back to the Croutonizer and they vanish.
* * * * *
Exterior, Bethesda Star Fleet Medical Facility. Cut to interior, surgery
scene, with Picard and Kabeta watching through the observation window above.
Picard: A witness said she saw Captain Crouton with Crossfire a few moments
before this happened. Why were they even *here*?
Kabeta: We don't know, sir. Admiral Avenger sent us to look for the
_Croutonprize_ after she left the LMC on radio silence.
Picard: Merde. (drops head into hands, then looks out the window) Come
on, Commander, pull through this...
Kabeta: I'm sure he will. What kind of injuries did he receive?
Picard: Fractured jaw, fractured skull, a concussion, possible brain damage --
all from a single blow.
Kabeta: A *single* blow?
Picard: Hopefully... (a beat) ...hopefully he'll be able to tell us
who his attacker was when he wakes up.
Kabeta: How long will that be?
Picard: I don't know...
* * * * *
Bridge of the _Croutonprize_. Highlander and Ghiasi stand in defiance at
center bridge.
Highlander: What the f*** do you mean, you're in charge???
Evi: Captain Crouton has relinquished command to me. Until further notice,
you are under my command.
Ghiasi: Like hell. (rushes to a console) Star Fleet Command, this is--
Evi (closing the channel): Now be a good girl and go and do this B-Tree
assignment. (handing Soraya an assignment sheet)
Ghiasi (fuming): ARGH!!!
FADE TO BLACK
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Tomorrow night, on _Cheers: The Next Generation_:
Crowd: "NORM!!"
Wesley (cleaning out root beer mugs with his toothbrush): "Hey there,
Mr. Atkins. What'll it be?"
Kevin: "Shut up, Wesley. (shaking his head) That's the last time I
bring my VCR in here."
Yes, it's another exciting episode!!!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Kabeta: "Captain's Log, Stardate 102426.7:
Lt. Cdr. Crossfire's surgery went well and the doctors are assuring us
of a full recovery. Admiral Picard and I have been trying to figure out
just where the _Croutonprize_ may have gone..."
Secretary: Admiral Picard, Bethesda just called. Lt. Cdr. Crossfire is
regaining consciousness
Picard: Thank you, Lieutenant. Tell them we're on our way. (putting away
some things) Coming, Kabeta?
* * * * *
Picard and Kabeta enter Crossfire's room to find six interns attempting
to restrain him. He appears ready to destroy everything in the room.
Picard (sternly): Commander!!
Crossfire relaxes and the interns let him go. He shakes off the last arm
and attempts to sit up at some form of attention, but then feels a sharp
pain in his jaw and pulls his hand to his face.
Kabeta (to the interns): You may go now.
The interns leave, looking over their shoulders at Crossfire. Once they
are alone, Picard sits down next to Crossfire.
Picard: Are you all right?
Crossfire: Hell no. I feel like shit and those goons wouldn't let me
out of here. I was trying to warn you--
Picard: That's why I'm here. What happened to you?
Crossfire: I'm not entirely sure, Admiral, but Captain Crouton has been
really f***ed up lately. It's almost as if it isn't even him.
Kabeta: What makes you say that?
Crossfire (looking over at Kabeta sternly): Well, for one thing, he's been
a bit of a tyrant lately. (looking back to Picard) And for another thing,
the Captain Crouton I know would *never* be able to catch me off-guard.
Picard: What do you mean? Did he do this to you?
Crossfire: Whatever it is that is acting as Captain Crouton did.
Kabeta: I've got to get after him before this gets worse.
Crossfire (attempting to sit up): Let me go with you--
Picard (easing him down his hand): Enh enh enh. You stay put. You have a
lot of healing to do.
Crossfire: Admiral, I have to go...
Kabeta: Admiral, the worst is past. Dr. Hertzman could keep him under
supervision and then I could consult with him on a regular basis in sickbay.
Picard: All right. (to Crossfire) But by no means are you leaving the
_Heisenberg_ sickbay until Dr. Hertzman has given you the okay.
Crossfire: Yes, sir...
* * * * *
Ghiasi: "Second Officer's Log, Stardate 102427.4:
The Evi has imprisoned the majority of the crew on her world and has
taken off across the galaxy with Captain Crouton and the _Croutonprize_.
I can only hope that Jez, Neon and Kinzie, who are still aboard the ship,
are able to stop the Evi's nefarious plan.
Meanwhile, Commander Highlander and I have been able to find no way
out of our cell and we are continuing to wonder what ever happened to
Crossfire. The Captain must have realized that Crossfire would be a great
threat to his plans... I hope he's all right..."
Highlander: Maybe it has something to do with those f***ing B-Tree
assignments she was trying to push off on us.
Ghiasi: Didn't you do one of those a few years ago?
Highlander: Yes...unfortunately. I hope I can remember how to do this.
Ghiasi: If we could only get a message to Zortyl...he could get us out
of this...
* * * * *
Meanwhile, in another cell...
Zortyl: Computer, put up four xterms and get me a c-shell in each. (looking
to Gretzky) I'll have us out of here in no time.
Gretzky (looking out the window for guards): Yeah...uh-huh...we'll see...
Zortyl (tapping away): Really. I mean it. Just get ready.
Gretzky (looking over to Zortyl): Look, Commander. I know you're good,
but I've got other things--
Zortyl (hits return and sits back triumphantly as the door opens): Done.
Gretzky (dumbfounded): How did you *do* that?
* * * * *
Kabeta enters the bridge of the _Heisenberg_. Unfortunately, Mr. McDonagh's
Silmarils imaging is still doing strange things and she leaps to avoid
stepping on a dozen baby pink rhinos. Unfortunately, she stumbles on the
way down, rolls down the ramp and lands on her ankle in a funny way.
Kabeta: Ouch!! Ow ow ow!!
Scribonia (rushing to her side): Captain, are you all right?
Kabeta: No! (testing her footing, then slipping) OW OW OW!!
Scribonia: Mr. Aoki, Mr. Hutchings, will you help the Captain to Sickbay.
I think she's sprained it.
Kabeta: We have got to get after the _Croutonprize_...
Scribonia: I'll take care of it, Captain.
Kabeta:
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