STAR TREK: THE CROUTON GENERATION
			  SEASON THREE
			Episodes #38-39

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Date: Mon, 1 Apr 91 23:07:58 -0500
From: bryant@husc9.harvard.edu (Katherine 'Kabeta' Bryant)
Subject: ST:TCG3 "Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again" (***LONG***)

"From the diary of Captain Kabeta:
      The Speaker's new apprentice is an interesting sort, from all appearances.
Alternately childish and surprisingly mature, she shows signs of becoming 
an excellent Speaker, from what little I know of it.  She seems to be making
friends quite easily.  Her cheerfulness is a real boost, particularly to those
of us with troubles and responsibilities."  

[Bridge.  Kabeta gets up from her chair, stretches, and sighs.]

Kabeta:  Well, Scribonia, you have the con.  Time for me to get out of here.

Scribonia:  Right ho.  I'll be off soon too.

Kleber:  Are you coming to the party tonight, Captain?

Kabeta:  Party?

Furd:  You mean no one told you?  There's a costume ball on the rec deck at
2100 hours ship time.

Kabeta:  Oh, *that* party.  [She grins as assorted crew members give her
dirty looks.]  I'll be there....

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                   "Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again"

by Katherine Bryant, with creative assistance from Michael Kleber
Directed by Eugene Yee
Produced by Katherine Bryant

Music by Andrew Lloyd Webber

Guest Starring:
        Dan Balsam as Commander Eulan D'Vinagre (he still needs the work!)
        Lara Crawford as Captain Elspeth Hartley
        Nerys Patterson as Captain Mair Maddox

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"Captain's Log, Stardate 102122.6.
       All is reasonably calm aboard the _Heisenberg_, for once.  All is well, 
with the exception of Lt. Lin-Elenuial.  He still refuses to emerge from his 
quarters.  I do not understand what is wrong with him,
but I continue to be concerned.  Counselor Jiapa is on call all the time now,
knowing that he may need someone at a moment's notice.  So far, he has shown no
signs of telling anyone what's on his mind.
       Several of the officers are hosting a costume ball on the recreation
deck tonight.  It should be fun." 

[Kabeta's quarters.  She enters the outer quarters (her office), just coming
off shift.  She drops some papers on her desk, and then goes through a 
curtained doorway to one side.  The contrast between the outer and inner
quarters is striking - the office has a dark green carpet, large dark
wooden desk, and tapestries on the walls.  By contrast, Kabeta's private
space is much lighter.  The floor is light-colored wood, and there is 
substantial (both natural and artifical) light.  She goes to a closet.]

K:  Now where is it?  I'm sure I brought it with me, but I can't think
where I put it.

[She digs through the closets for a moment, finally finding the clothes
she's looking for.]

[Cut to the interior of a Hidden Valley Ranch ship.  Commander Eulan D'Vinagre
is pacing around the bridge, monitoring signals from the _Heisenberg_.]

Scribonia (ic):  Okay, folks, that's it for this shift.  We'll be operating
on a skeleton crew here, and in rotating shifts, so that everyone can go
to the costume ball.

D'Vinagre:  Perfect!  A costume ball will give the team a perfect opportunity
to sneak on board!  We'll show that "chickie" yet...

[Cut to the costume ball.  It's in full swing.  There are a wide variety of
costumes seen, ranging from miscellaneous animals to medieval costumes, and
even including a couple of crewmembers dressed as Hidden Valley Ranchers! 
Suddenly, the door opens, and the area of the room nearest the door slowly 
falls silent.  Framed in the doorway is Kabeta, dressed in something
resembling full Tudor garb -- full-skirted silver overdress, split in the
front, revealing a black underdress.  She is also wearing a floor-length
mantle in silver lined with black, with a wolf's head on the back (for you
heraldic types:  argent, a wolf's head erased sable).  She is wearing a silver
circlet on her head.  She looks stunning -- this is Kabeta the princess. The
silence of those near the door is broken by scattered applause.  Kabeta looks
somewhat embarrassed by the commotion she's caused, but also seems to be
relishing the effect of her entrance.]

[Lt. JG Kleber comes over to her, his black cloak swirling around him.  He
bows.]

Kleber:  Your Highness, would you care to dance?    

Kabeta:  Thank you, Speaker.  I'd love to.

[He offers his arm.  She takes it, and they make their way to the dance
floor.  As they pass the two costumed as Ranchers, Kabeta says quietly
to the Speaker:]

Kabeta:  I'm not sure I think those HVR outfits are in good taste.

[Suddenly, the two HVR-costumed folks grab Kabeta and the Speaker, holding
phasers to their heads.]

HVR#1: So, they're not in good taste, eh?  What would you think if we turned
out to be real?

HVR#2 (into communicator):  Four to beam up!  Make it snappy! 

Kabeta:  What the --

[Before the security folks around can react, the Ranchers and Kabeta and the
Speaker begin to break down into their component croutons...]

[Cut to bridge.  Scribonia, Soronaiwe, yaz, O'Forever, and Kendragon burst
onto the bridge, still in costume, startling Furd.]

Scribonia:  How did they get on the ship!  Get someone from Engineering to
trace that Croutonizer beam.

Furd:  Wh- what happened?

G O'F:  The Captain and the Speaker have been kidnapped by a couple of 
those blasted Ranchers.

Kendragon (who is at the communications station): Commander!  I think 
I may have found a trace of the ship...

Scribonia:  On screen.

[The screen shows empty space.]

Kendragon:  Well, I thought I had something... wait a minute.  I'm new
at this.  We're being hailed.

Furd:  On screen.

[The screen reveals the rather nasty face of Commander Eulan D'Vinagre.]

E D'V:  Well, well, well.  If it isn't the famous _Heisenberg_.  Another
girl in charge, huh?

Scribonia:  Harumph.  Where are the Captain and the Speaker?  And who the
hell are you anyway?

E D'V:  Oh, they're quite safe here on my new ship, the _C En En_.  And
I -- I am Commander Eulan D'Vinagre --

G O'F (sotto voce): Their names keep getting even worse...

E D'V (continuing): -- but don't expect to see your friends again for
free!  We demand that you hand over that ship to the Ranch Empire.

Scribonia:  WHAT??!!

E D'V:  You heard me.  We want to be paid back for all the trouble you,
and your little chickie captain, have caused us.

Scribonia:  We will do no such thing.  You will have nothing from us.

E D'V:  Then don't expect to see your friends in the flesh again.  But
don't worry -- we'll show them to you on screen soon.  You'll have to see
what Rancher treatment does for women.  It's quite amazing.  Don't go away... 
and don't try to Croutonize them out.  Thanks to the Sneiz Garde, our
security brig is shielded so that you can't Croutonize in or out.  

[Connection cut.  The _Heisenberg_ crew look a little stunned. A beat.]

Scribonia:  Right.  Kendragon, send a message to Starbase LMC informing
them of what has happened.  Furd, you have the con.  yaz, Zenador, Jiapa,
[hits communicator] McDonagh, join me in the Ready Room.  We've got a 
strategy to plan.

[Cut to the interior of the HVR _C En En_.  Kabeta and Kleber are being
marched to a security brig.  They are shoved roughly into a cell.  Commander
D'Vinagre walks up to examine his prisoners.]

E D'V:  So, my pretty ones.  I didn't think that was exactly standard attire
for you Federation types.  Quite attractive.

[He reaches out to touch Kabeta's dress.  She pulls away angrily.]

Kabeta:  What do you want with us?  

E D'V:  Feisty, aren't we?  Well, my dear chickie, [Kabeta winces] I've 
decided it's high time we taught you a lesson.  You've been far too much
trouble to us, you know.  First you cause that damn Captain Crouton to
fire at my friend Kumbir for a comment he made.  Then you reject Bloocheez --
that looks really bad, you know.  You should have been honored to have our
supreme Commander want to marry you.  Not only that, you rejected him TWICE!
And then, you had to go interfering with our wonderful plans to stop the
alliance with the Romulans.  Oh yes, my dear, you've been much more trouble
than you're worth.  It's high time someone put you in your place.

Kabeta:  So, if you're out to get me, why'd you have to drag the Speaker into
this too?

E D'V:  Oh, we thought you might want a little masculine protection.

[Kabeta and the Speaker both look disgusted.]

E D'V:  I'll leave you now, to get accustomed to your new home.  Enjoy
it.  You'll be here awhile.  You won't be anywhere else unless you learn how
to behave.  Oh, and Speaker, I'd better warn you:  We don't believe in
exclusive rights around here...particularly not where a superior officer
is concerned.

[With a nasty and decidedly lecherous look, D'Vinagre turns on the force
field and stalks away with his henchmen.  Kabeta and Kleber look at each
other, rather horrified, and sit down in the corners of the cell.]

Kleber:  I don't like the sound of that.

Kabeta:  You think *you* don't!                                                                                       
[Cut to Ready Room.  Scribonia, yaz, Zenador, Jiapa, and McDonagh are 
present.  An image of Admiral Avenger shows on the screen.]

Scribonia: ... so that's what happened.  We don't know how they got on
the ship or what they're going to do to the Captain and Lt. Kleber. 

Avenger:  All right.  I suggest that you hang tight -- keep an eye on
the ship, don't let them go anywhere.  If they contact you again, play
it by ear.  It may turn out to be best to pretend to agree to their terms.
If all else fails, we may have to use the old self-destruct trick.  But
don't do anything without making sure the hostages are safe.

Scribonia:  All right.  Thanks, Admiral.

Avenger:  Keep me informed.  Avenger out.

Scribonia:  Okay, everyone.  Return to your posts.  Inform your crewmates
that we may have to do a sudden evacuation.  Tell them to get ready to go
at any time.  McDonagh -- see if you can figure out how they got on the ship
without us knowing about it.

[yaz, Zenador, and McDonagh leave.  Scribonia stays, seated.  Jiapa is
about to leave, then turns and sees Scribonia with her head in her hands.]

Jiapa:  Hey, Commander.  Don't take it so hard.  It's not your fault.

Scribonia:  But they shouldn't have been able to get on the ship without
our knowing it!  The Captain's in trouble, so's the Speaker, and there's
nothing I can do about it.  I'm supposed to be able to take charge of this
ship if there's a need.  Well, now there's a need and I can't seem to do it.

Jiapa:  Commander, you've done all you can. I'm worried too.  Remember --
I'm here to help with things like this.  Turn to me for emotional support
if you need it.  I'll listen.

[Scribonia looks up at Jiapa, then stands.]

Scribonia (squaring her shoulders, and looking Jiapa in the eye):  Thanks,
Counselor.  I will.

[The two women smile at each other as they leave the Ready Room.]
 
[Cut to the cell on the _C En En_. Time has clearly passed.  Kabeta is pacing;
Kleber is sitting on the floor.  Security guards pass to and fro.  At one
point, two Rancher women pass by.  They look like every bad stereotype of
the airhead Valley Girl rolled into one.  They giggle and point as they
pass the cell.]

Kabeta:  Ugh.  They want to make me behave like *that*?  

Kleber:  I just can't see it.  Yuch.

Kabeta (sighs):  Well, I guess we may as well sit back and make ourselves...
[pause, as she looks around, then sarcastically] comfortable.  I don't see
how we're going to be able to get out of here.

Kleber:  If only they hadn't caught us in costume.  At least we'd have
phasers and communicators.

Kabeta:  They'd have taken them from us if we did have them, Speaker.

Kleber:  Point.  So I guess we just sit tight and hope that Scribonia comes
up with something.

Kabeta:  Unless we come up with something first.

[Pause.  Kabeta looks thoughtfully at the Speaker.]

Kleber:  What's up?  Apart from the obvious, I mean.

Kabeta:  Oh, just thinking about other times, other places.  Interesting
things always seem to happen when I end up with you.

Kleber (laughing):  That's true enough.

[Flashback.   We see an external shot of the _Galaxy_-class starship _U.S.S.
Niels Bohr_.  Then cut to the bridge.  Captain Elspeth Hartley is in the
captain's chair.  A rather younger Kabeta, now Lieutenant Kabeta, is at
communications.

Kabeta: The Speaker for the Dead will be ready to beam up in five minutes,
Captain.

Hartley:  Good.  Tell him we'll be ready.  Would you care to do the welcoming
honors, Lieutenant?

Kabeta:  Me?  Certainly, Captain.

Hartley:  Show him to his quarters.  And tell Lt. Burstein the Speaker's 
here -- he's the one who called for him.

[Kabeta leaves the bridge.  Cut to Croutonizer room.  Kabeta waits, watching
the Croutonizer chief prepare for the arrival of the Speaker.]

Speaker (ic):  Ready when you are.

Chief:  Stand by.

[The Croutonizer activates.  Michael Kleber, Speaker for the Dead (also much
younger), dressed in civilian clothes, arrives on the pads.]

Kabeta:  Welcome to the _U.S.S. Niels Bohr_, Speaker.  I'm Lieutenant Kabeta,
communications officer and part-time welcoming committee.

Kleber:  Pleased to meet you, Lieutenant.  I'm Michael Kleber, Speaker for
the Dead.  You can call me Speaker or Speaker Michael or Michael, or whatever
suits you.

Kabeta:  Let me take your suitcase, there.  I'll show you to your quarters.

[Cut to corridor.  The two are walking along.]

Kleber:  The _Bohr_, eh?  

Kabeta:  Yes.  They decided that they shouldn't necessarily have only the
_Maxwell_-class science ships have physicists' names.  So they gave this
one to us.

Kleber:  Hmm.  Sounds like a rather -- dull -- place.

[Kabeta is about to take offense, then catches the pun and rolls her eyes.]

Kabeta:  Oh dear.  A punster, are you?

Kleber:  I'm afraid so.  It's a habit I've never quite gotten out of.

Kabeta:  That's all right.  I happen to be rather fond of puns myself, though
I'm terrible at thinking them up.  And you're right anyway.  As it happens,
nothing particularly interesting has been going on around here lately.

Kleber:  Well, something must have happened or I wouldn't have been called.
Was it you who called for me?

Kabeta:  No, it was Lieutenant Burstein.  He was very close to Lt. Cdr. Miller.

Kleber:  If you don't mind the question, how did Mr. Miller die?

Kabeta:  He was the victim of a freak accident while exploring a planet.  
There was a cave-in, and he got caught under the rubble.  [pause]  It was
pretty bad.

Kleber:  And Lt. Burstein was close to him?

Kabeta:  Yes, they were like brothers.  Or maybe it was more like son to 
father, I don't know.  Oh, here we are.  Here's our visitor's suite.  I
hope it suits you.

Kleber:  I'm sure it will be fine.  Thanks for the guide, Lieutenant -- 
Kabeta, was it?

Kabeta:  Yes, that's my name.  It's been a pleasure.  I'll tell Lt. Burstein
you're here.  [pause]  You know, it's funny.  I'm usually put off by 
religious officiaries.  They're so, well, officious.  But I think I like
you, Speaker.

Kleber:  Thanks, Lieutenant.  I'm flattered.  

[Fade out.... end flashback.]]

[Bridge of the _C En En_.  D'Vinagre is talking to an underling.]

ED'V:  So, have our *guests* come around yet?

HVR:  No, sir.  They're sitting in the cell, looking tired and annoyed.
[pause]  And a little hungry, I think.

ED'V:  Well, no one said we were unreasonable.  Get them some standard
prisoners' rations and take them down there.  And see whether that chickie
has seen the advantages of our system yet.  

HVR:  Yes sir!

[Cell.  Kabeta is now sitting, looking annoyed and frustrated.  Kleber is
sitting beside her, also frustrated.]

Kabeta:  There has *got* to be some way to get us out of here!

Kleber:  I'm sure Scribonia's working on it, but still...

Kabeta:  I know.  I'm tired of always having to be rescued.  I'd rather
solve my problems myself.

Kleber:  You do seem to have your own style, Captain.  I'll never forget
how things changed on the Starbase when you took over...

[Flashback, again.  The command center of Starbase Harvard.  Ensign Kleber
is at communications, chatting with Ensign Hutchings, Lt. JG Soronaiwe,
and Ensign Kendragon.  The other crewmembers are around at various posts.]

Kleber:  So when do we meet the new commander?

Kendragon:  Soon, I think.

Soronaiwe:  I just hope she's a little easier on us than Maddox...

[Abruptly, in walks Captain Mair Maddox (the former commander of the Starbase)
with the new Commander, Kabeta.  The crew jump sharply to attention as
they enter.]

Maddox:  And here is the command center of the Starbase.  This is where
you'll spend your on-duty time, in general.  This is your first officer,
Lt. Commander Scribonia the Illegible.

Scribonia [salutes]:  Sir!

Maddox [looks at watch]:  Well, I'd best be off.  I'm due in the Croutonizer
Room in a couple of minutes.  Good luck, Commander.

Kabeta [salutes]:  Good luck to you too...SIR.

[Maddox leaves the bridge.  Kabeta relaxes and lets out a breath.  The
crew remain at attention.]

Kabeta:  God, that woman drives me nuts.  [looks around, notices crew
still at attention.]  What the -- ??  As you were, as you were.  [pause]
Did she always make you do that?

Scribonia [relaxes from attention, but speaks stiffly]:  Yes, sir.

Kabeta:  Well, there will be no more of that.  I can see that some things
are going to have to change around here.  First off, you don't need to
call me sir.  In fact, I'd rather you didn't.  Relax, Number One!  You
sound as if you're afraid of me.

[The crew looks a little startled at the rather different demeanor of this
commander.]

Kabeta:  Now, let's have some introductions.  I've seen most of your names,
but I don't know faces.  I'm Commander Kabeta, newly transferred here after
serving as the second officer of the science vessel _Schrodinger_.  Next?

[The crew looks vaguely puzzled.  Kleber looks positively astonished as
Kabeta introduces herself.  Scribonia speaks up hesitantly.]

Scribonia:  Er... I'm Lt. Commander Scribonia the Illegible, first officer.

Furd:  I'm Lt. Furd the Nurd, second officer.

[The crew are warming to the new commander, and are more willing to speak.]

yaz:  Lt. yaz-pistachio, chief science officer.  

maya:  Ensign maya, science officer.

[And so on through the crew.]

Hutchings:  E..Ensign Hutchings, Insecurity Officer.

[Kleber is last.]

Kleber:  Ensign Kleber, Communications Officer.

Kabeta:  Nice to meet you all.  I'm looking forward to working with you --
[suddenly, turning to Kleber]  Kleber?

Kleber [fighting not to grin]:  Yes, sir.

Kabeta:  Stop calling me sir!  You're not... Michael Kleber, Speaker for
the Dead, are you?

Kleber:  That's the one!  I was wondering if you'd remember me.

Kabeta:  Remeber you!  How could I forget?  I had no idea you'd joined
Starfleet!

Kleber:  That trip to the _Bohr_ was all the convincing I needed, Commander.

[Fade out.....]

[Cell.  Basically the same as before.  D'Vinagre wanders by.]

ED'V:  So, my pretty one.  Have you come to your senses yet?

Kabeta:  I have never been out of them.  And if you're planning to starve
us out of them by not feeding us, well, I think that's a pretty shoddy way
to behave.

ED'V:  Oh, someone's getting you some food right now, my dear.  Nothing
special, you understand... you are, after all, my prisoners.  And I can
do anything I want with you...

[He leaves, with another decidedly lecherous grin.]

Kleber:  Right.  We have got to get out of here.

[A beat.  Kabeta thinks.]

Kabeta:  I wonder if I could successfully play along with them.

Kleber:  What?

Kabeta:  If I play along with them, they're bound to take us to the bridge
and "show us off" to Scribonia et al.  The bridge isn't shielded the way
this cell is, and I bet we could Croutonize out of there.  But we need
to be armed.  How can we get phasers?

Kleber:  Well, presumably the fellow bringing us food will have one.

Kabeta:  Two, probably.  The Ranchers wear holsters.  But how do we
get them?

Kleber:  Hmm....   What do you want to bet the Ranchers have never seen
a wolf before?

[Kabeta looks startled.  Then, slowly, a smile spreads across her face.]

Kabeta:  I knew that might come in handy someday.  Brilliant, Speaker.

[Kabeta, after making sure no one is watching but the Speaker, touches
her right hand to the ruby ring on her left.  She closes her eyes, and
there is a flash of light.  Not a flash, really; more like a glow.  And
in her place is the white wolf we have seen before.]

Kleber:  Wow.  That's really impressive.  Now we just wait...

[Cut to shot of security corridor.  The HVR guard comes along, bringing
the prisoners their food.  He switches off the force field to allow himself
in, but stops short upon seeing Kleber with a large white wolf next to him.
Panicking, he drops the food and draws his phasers, shaking badly.]

Kleber:  I wouldn't do that if I were you.

Wolf: [growls]

Kleber:  Now just drop those phasers and everything will be fine.

[The very nervous Rancher, never having seen something like this before,
drops the phasers.]

Kleber:  Now turn the force field back on, go your way, and tell no one what
you saw here.  Or else...

[The wolf advances on the hapless Rancher, who throws the switch for the
force field and runs.  Kleber laughs and picks up the phasers.  The wolf
raises its left paw, revealing what appears to be a large ruby set into it.
It touches its front paws together, there is a glow, and Kabeta returns.]

Kabeta:  Beautifully done, Speaker.

Kleber:  You make a pretty fierce wolf.

Kabeta:  Toss me one of those phasers.

[Kleber does so.  They conceal the phasers -- Kleber under his cloak,
Kabeta under the outer layer of her dress.]

Kabeta:  Now don't be surprised at anything I do.  I'm going to do my
best to fool them into thinking I've gone over to their ideas.

[She pulls out a small mirror and some makeup.  After applying these, she
sits coquettishly in the corner, smiling at the Speaker.]

Kabeta:  Well?  How do I look? 

Kleber:  Different.  Good, but very very different.

[Cut to _Heisenberg_ bridge.  Scribonia is talking to McDonagh, Aoki, and
Ensign Mreen.]

Scribonia:  Have you figured out how they got on board?

Aoki:  Well, Mreen here has an idea.

Mreen:  I specialize in alien computer systems.  I think they managed
to get into Pandora and mess with it so that it ignored their arrival.

Scribonia:  This could be serious.  Mr. Aoki, Mr. Mreen, see if you
can fix Pandora so we don't have this problem again.  And file a report
to send to Admiral Avenger.

Kendragon:  Commander!  We're being hailed by the _C En En_.

Scribonia:  On screen.  Brace yourselves,  folks.

[The screen shows the bridge of the _C En En_.  D'Vinagre smiles nastily.]

ED'V:  I just thought you might like to see what's become of your friends.
[As Scribonia looks pale]  Oh, don't worry my dear, they're quite safe.
[Beckons offscreen]  And here they are.

[Kleber and Kabeta walk into viewer range.  Kabeta is smiling flirtatiously
at Kleber and the Ranchers.]

Kabeta:  Hello, scribble dear! 

[The crew of the _Heisenberg_ looks startled at this use of a nickname
from the captain.  Scribonia begins to look horrified.]

Scribonia:  Oh no.  She can't have.

Kabeta:  Scribble dear, the wonderful men here [she indicates D'Vinagre,
who grins] have granted me one little favor.  I want you to get Iluvanna
to send me something.  Please?

[The _Heisenberg_ crew look truly appalled at this behavior.]

Scribonia:    Iluvanna?  Lt. Lin-Elenuial, respond please. [pause]
Captain, I'm afraid he's not responding.     

Kabeta:  Tell him it's for me, darling.  I know his type.  He'll do it for
me.

Scribonia:  Lieutenant Lin-Elenuial, the Captain is in danger and she needs
you.  Respond please.

[A beat.  Finally:]

IL (ic, slowly):  What is it, Commander?

[Scribonia looks questioningly at the screen.]

Kabeta:  Iluvanna dearie, I want you to send me just a couple of little
things.  Just a couple of Croutonizer beams is all.

[Suddenly, Kabeta and Kleber pull out their phasers.  Kleber aims straight
for D'Vinagre, while Kabeta covers the helm and navigation.]

Kabeta:  Iluvanna, get us out of here NOW!  [She waves the phaser 
threateningly.]  And don't any of you try anything funny.

[A Rancher sneaks up on Kabeta from behind.  Kleber phasers him without
a second thought.]

Kleber:  Oh no you don't.

Kabeta:  Nice shooting.  Come ON, Iluvanna!

ED'V:  Cut the connection.  Get us out of here.

Kleber:  I wouldn't, if I were you...

[But before he can finish, Croutonizer beams envelop the Captain and the
Speaker.]

[Cut to Croutonizer Room on the _Heisenberg_.  Kabeta and Kleber materialize.]

Kleber:  Whew!  [They lower their phasers.]

Kabeta:  That was close.  Thanks for following my leads so well.

Kleber:  I think you can count this as a scrape you got yourself out of,
Captain.  [Catches sight of Lt. Lin-Elenuial leaving.]  Thanks, Iluvanna!

Scribonia (ic):  You all right down there?

Kabeta:  Yes, we're fine, Number One.  We'll be back to the bridge shortly,
but first we have *got* to change clothes!

[Corridor.  Kabeta walks along with a note in her hand.  She stops at 
a door and slides the note under.]

[Cut to Iluvanna's quarters.  He picks up the note, and reads it.  The
words echo in his voice as he does.]

"I do not like to put the loyalty of my officers to the test like that,
but I knew you would come through.  And you did.  Thank you, Lieutenant.
---Captain Kabeta"

------------------
Date: Sun, 07 Apr 91 14:38:07 EST
From: Don Quixote 
Subject: ST:TCG episode preview

Next time on all new episode of
    STAAAAAR TREK: THE CROUTON GENERATION!

The Subaru receives a special assignment!
A new crewmember is assigned to the USS Subaru!
The Mormon Tabernacle Choir completely fails to appear!

On the next exciting (?) episode of

   STAAAAAAAR TREK: THE CROUTON GENERATION!


--dave learn

----------
Date: Sun, 07 Apr 91 14:40:14 EST
From: Don Quixote 
Subject: ST:TCG episode on USS Subaru

"The Episode They Said Couldn't Be Written."
By Dave Learn

They: *Shouldn't* be written.  We said it *shouldn't* be
     written.

[On the bridge of the USS Subaru.]

half japanese: Captain's log, stardate 102101.1: I still
     can't get over this.  I'm the captain!  I have my very
     own James_T_Kirk class starship, and my very own comfy
     chair to sit in.  Best of all, Star Fleet has decided
     to honor my requests for some new personnel.  We're
     reporting to Earth to pick up a new assignment to the
     ship, and Admiral Avenger said that our new officer is
     a *specialist*, and none of the other ships have anyone
     like him.  They're also assigning us a special mission!
     Admiral Avenger said we're the only crew that could
     handle this assignment.  Isn't the Subaru great?  I
     wonder if the new crewmember plays bridge?  Anyway,
     we're entering standard orbit around Earth.

Practor: Entering standard orbit now, captain.

hj: Blast it, Palmer, how many times have I told you to fix
     that echo?

Thokk: We're receiving a message from Star Fleet.

hj: Put it on the screen.

[On the screen appears Admiral Avenger, who is trying hard
not to laugh.]

Avenger: Welcome home, captain.

hj: Thank you.  It's been a nice ride.  Do we get our new
     crewmember yet?

Avenger: In just a minute.  The shuttle is carting him over
     right now.

hj: The shuttle?  Why?  Is he afraid of the transporter?

Avenger: Well, I don't know if that's quite what I would
     say.  Anyway, he'll be accompanied by Moris B.
     Crunchbuster, an Arrogant Federation Expert.  You're to
     take Dr Crunchbuster to ch'Rihan for the Federation's
     Arrogant Expert Convention, where you're to oversee to
     make sure that nothing untoward happens.  Avenger out.
============================================================
half japanese (VO): Space: the final frontier.  These are
     the voyages of Captain half japanese and the starship
     Subaru.  My--her--our ongoing mission: to explore
     strange, new worlds; to seek out new life, and new
     civilizations, to boldly break into Euge Yee's account
     and post to Junk Mail!

COMMERCIAL

[A pink bunny is crossing our view beating a drum.]

Announcer: Energizer.  It just keeps on going and going and
     going . . .
============================================================

hj: Captain's log, supplement: OK, so I don't always get the
     best jobs, but Star Fleet is *still* giving me a
     specialist, and I *still* have the captaincy, and I
     *still* have a comfy chair.

Midzor: Excuse me, hj?

hj: Just a minute.  I'm almost there.

Midzor: Where?

hj: Yes!  I did it!  I'm in Euge's account!  Now to change a
     few things in his profile.

[An exterior shot of the USS Chivalier.  It suddenly does a
triple somersault and nosedives toward a binary star system.
It then runs around in circles at high speeds while everyone
on board in pressed tight against the walls.  Next it starts
flying backwards and on its side, until finally it levels
out, leaving Euge to explain why he flew the ship in such an
dangerous manner.  "Showing off again, Euge?" Captain Chow
demands.  Back to the USS Subaru.]

hj: There we go.  That should do it.  If I understand this
     right, I just removed those extra two hundred blocks of
     memory from Euge's account and transferred them to
     mine.  What did you want, Missy?

Midzor: Your chair is too heavy; it's causing a weight
     imbalance in the ship so that it leans forward.  If we
     try travelling at anything faster than jolt factor one,
     you could cause it to nosedive and we'd all be killed.

hj: So?

Midzor: As chief enginneer, I have to remove all possible
     threats to the ship.  I have to destroy your chair.
     But it's OK.  See?  Thokk brought you a stool.

[With a heart-wrecnhing sob, hj gets out of her chair.
Missy phasers it, making way for the two-foot hard wooden
stool Thokk has dug up.]

Midzor: Thanks.  Have a nice day.  (to camera) I love this
     job.

[Later on, in the shuttle bay, Thokk, Palmer, and hj are
waiting for the specialist to arrive.]

hj: Well, I may get lousy assignments, and I may not have
     the chair, but I'm *still* the captain, and I *still*
     get to have a specialist on my ship.

[The shuttle lands and the door opens.  A dark-skinned
lieutenant with a harried look on his face gets out.]
Lieutenant: Captain half japanese?

hj: No, that's Commander Palmer.  I'm Captain half japanese.
     You're our specialist?

Lieutenant: You're Captain half japanese?  You have my
     deepest sympathies.  He's all yours, captain.  Have a
     nice day. Come on out, gentleme--.  Come on out, sirs.

[The first to emerge is a dignified older man looking
somewhat badgered.]

hj: You must be our specialist!  Welcome aboard!  I'm sorry
     if the Federation expert was too unbearable on the way
     over; they do get like that.

Man: (coldly) No, I am not your "specialist."  My name is
     Morris B. Crunchbuster.  See to it that your valet
     (indicates Palmer) takes my bags to my room.

Thokk: I'll show you to your room, sir.  Follow me or I'll
     have to hurt you.

[They exit.]

hj: Oops.

Palmer: Two strikes, captain.  One more and you're out.

hj: There are only three passengers on the ship.  I've got a
     home run, guaranteed.

[A small dog runs off the shuttle barking wildly, followed
by a man in a suit of armor emblazoned with ensign's pips
and a Star Fleet communicator.  He wears a barber's basin on
his head, and has a crazed look in his eyes.]

hj: . . .

Man: Sancho!  Stop that!  That is unseemly behavior for the
     squire of a knight.

hj: . . .

Man: (bowing low before hj)  Greetings your highness.  You
     must be Queen half japanese of the Kingdom of Subaru.
     I am Dave Quixote, knight errant, and I hereby pledge
     myself into your services.  Give me a command, O Queen,
     and I shall seek to obey you immediately.  Gladly I,
     and my squire Sancho, will slay whatever wretched
     monsters oppress your highness' peasants and rob your
     people.

hj: . . .

Quixote: (to Palmer) Greetings, servant boy.  I have
     travelled long and hard today on Rocinante and require
     lodging.  Prepare a room for your Queen's most loyal
     subject and knight.

Palmer:  Uh, yeah.  Follow me, uh, Don?

Quixote: Dave.

Palmer: Right.  That, too.

hj: . . .

[Later back on the bridge.]

hj: . . . to know why you have decided to inflict such deep
     wounds on me.  This Crunchbuster character has treated
     me like a peon ever since he arrived--

Thokk: You did insult him to his face.

hj: --shut up, Thokk--and what's with this Don--

Palmer: Dave.

hj: --that, too--bozo?  He doesn't even know how to play
     bridge!

Avenger: Crunchbuster's job *is* to be arrogant and
     annoying.  He's a plot catalyst, like all the other
     Arrogant Federation Experts. As for Dave Quixote, sure,
     he takes getting used to, but he is a specialist.

hj: At what?

Avenger: You didn't read the dossier we emailed you?

hj: We haven't received anything from Star Fleet for about a
     week.

Avenger: My apologies.  We've been having email problems
     here all week. The postmaster just fixed them; you
     should receive it any minute now.  Now get going to
     that conference.  Avenger out.

[Admiral Avenger disappears from the screen.]

Thokk: We're receiving incoming mail, now, captain.  About
     200 messages.  A lot of them have to do with the
     Emmies, which were awarded last week.

hj: Argh.  Number One, Thokk, sort through the mail and find
     that dossier.  Ensign Practor, lay in a course for the
     conference.

Practor: What conference would that be, captain?

hj: *The* conference.  You know which one.

Practor: I do not.

hj: The one which Dr Crunchbuster  is going to, on Ch'Havran.

Palmer: (looking up) Ch'Rihan.

hj: Right.  They're twin worlds; I can't tell them apart.

Practor: To expect me to know that Dr Crunchbuster requires
     transport to Ch'Rihan is . . . not logical.

hj: Jen-L, are you *sure* my con officer isn't a Vulcan
     masquerading as a Romulan?  Maybe she changed her
     records.

Jen-L (VO): I'm positive.  She's as Romulan as they get.

hj: Lay in a course for Ch'Rihan, Ensign.

Practor: I already have.

hj: Then why haven't you engaged?

Practor: You never gave the order.

hj: Argh!  Engage!  Engage!  Engage!

Practor: At what speed should I proceed?

hj: ANY!  JUST GET US GOING!

Practor: We are proceeding to Ch'Rihan at one kilometer per hour.

hj: ARGH!  AIGH!

[At this point, hj goes into a frenzy in deep frustration
with her con officer.  She starts to turn blue in the face
as she rages about the bridge.]

Practor: Is something wrong, captain?

hj: GRGH!  NYRGGG!!  REARRRRRGH!

Palmer: Ensign, jolt factor six to Ch'Rihan.  Engage.

Practor: Jolt factor six, aye.

[At this point, hj has picked up her stool and thrown it
against the science and communication stations.  She is now
gnawing it in anger and frustration.]

Palmer: hj?  Uh, hj?

hj: Rargh!

Thokk: I'll handle this, sir.  (walking up to hj) Captain, if you don't
     stop this fit, I'll have to break both your arms.

[hj stops.]

Palmer: Thank you.  Captain, we've found some more information on Ensign
     Quixote.  He comes from an area of Europe called Spain, from a small
     community known as "La Mancha."  He and his wife, Dulcinea, ran the
     Rocinante Horse Ranch until she recommended he pursue a career in Star
     Fleet before she went mad, too.  He's insane all right.  He considers
     himself to be a knight and his dog to be his squire.

hj: A knight?

Palmer: That's what it says.  You know, like in King Arthur:  Lancelot,
     Gawain, and so on.

Kessner: What else does the dossier say?

Palmer: Not much.  Apparently Star Fleet isn't sure exactly what his real
     name is.  They think it may be Quesada or somesuch, but no one's positive.

hj: Groan.  What's his "specialty?"

Thokk: He's a photon tube maintenance man, third class.

hj: Really?  I thin I see a way to solve our problem.  Don--

Practor: Dave.

hj: --Quixote, please report to the bridge.

[Minutes later, he strides through the turbolift doors.]

Quixote: I am arrived, my queen.  I await your command. (hisses) Sancho, down!

[Sancho has wandered over to a terminal to lift his leg
momentarily.  There is a shower of sparks and Sancho yipes,
leaping away as the power fails.]

Midzor (VO): hj, I'm not responsible for this power failure!  I didn't
     put the lights out--it is *not* my fault.

hj: Don--

Kessner: Dave.

hj: Right.  Could you check the photon tubes?  I think they may be jammed.

Quixote: Of course.  I shall examine the catapults at once, Queen hj.

Kessner: Queen?

[Quixote exits.]

hj: Lieutenant Practor, let me know the minute he's inside a torpedo launch bay.

[The lights come back on.]

Practor: When who is inside a torpedo launch bay?

hj: Oh no, we're not going through that again.  Lieutenant Kessner?

Kessner: He's inside photon tube portal six.

hj: Excellent.  Thokk, fire a photon torpedo from portal six.

Thokk: (grinning) AYE, CAPTAIN!  WITH PLEASURE!

Quixote: (VO) Whoa, whoa, whoa, aaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiigggggghhh!

[Kessner thoughtfully turns on the viewscreen so that we see
the photon torpedoes fly through space and explode.  We even
hear one over the intercom.]

hj: Ah, nothing like a good day's work accomplished.  Proceed to ch'Rihan,
     where hopefully we'll see more action.

============================================================
COMMERCIAL
Have you ever wondered what Kirk and Spock were like back before they
joined Star Fleet?

[Scene from upcoming movie.  Spock and Kirk are at a computer terminal.]

Kirk: Are you in, Spock?

Spock: Almost, I just have to finish telnetting.  There.

Kirk: Great!  Ha ha.  Now I can win the Kobayashi Maru for a change!

That's too bad because we're not doing that movie.  You complained,
and now you'll never see it.
============================================================

[On the bridge.  Fifteen minutes later.]

Quixote: My queen, some foul sorcerer has attempted to claim my life.  As
     I maintained the catapult, some diabolical force fired it before I
     could get out of the way.

hj: How did you get out of there in time?

Quixote: God was on my side, your highness.  As I was flung through the
     distance, His invisible hand caught me and placed me inside your
     castle once again.

hj: Come again?

Kessner: Someone beamed him back aboard.

Practor: Shooting crew members out the photon torpedo launch bay is a
     violation of Star Fleet regulations, section fifteen, article 9,
     paragraph sixteen, line twelve.  "No crewmember shall ever be treated
     as ammunition, or disposed of in such a manner as to be considered a
     projectile."

[Several days later, when the ship reaches ch'Rihan.  hj, Palmer, Quixote,
 Sancho, and Thokk are in the transporter room.  Or are they called
 croutonizer rooms now?]

hj: I can't believe this.  We're to serve as security guards for a
     conference.  Well, at least I'm still the captain.

Crunchbuster: (arriving) Harumph.  When are we beaming down?  They're
     expecting my talk on the correlation between Hawking radiation and
     electric toaster ovens today.

Palmer: We'll croutonize down in just a minute, sir.

[Crunchbuster gets out a bag of snacks while he waits, and begins to eat them.]

Crunchbuster: I love these things.  They're great.  You could even say
     they're "magically delicious."

[The color drains from hj's and Palmer's faces.]

hj: (spinning) What was that?

Crunchbuster: I said these things are good.  They taste great.

Thokk: (whispering) Captain, Bob is dead.  We were there.

hj: (whispering) What if Captain Crouton was wrong?

Palmer: (softly) He might still be alive, Thokk.  Keep a close watch on
     Crunchbuster, just in case.

[The lights go out.]

Quixote: What foul witchcraft is this?  What shade darkens the sun so?

[Kessner arrives.]

hj: OK, let's croutonize down now.

[They croutonize out to the conference on ch'Rihan.]

============================================================
COMMERCIAL

How would you like to see the final adventure of James T Kirk and the
original crew of the Enterprise?

[Scene from movie.  As everyone on the ship is dying.]

Chekov: AAIIIGGGHHHH!

Kirk: (as Chekov dies) Walt never did get good lines.  Well, I guess I'll
     go join a monestary.

Spock: Sounds good.  I think I'll get married.

Too bad.  We're not doing that one, either.
============================================================

[The away team croutonizes at the conference.]

Palmer: Well, let's make the best of this.  The conference should only
     last three more weeks.  Think of all we can learn.

Thokk: Heh heh heh.

hj: Thokk?

Thokk: Ha ha ha ha ha!

hj: Thokk?

Palmer: What's so funny, Thokk?

Thokk: This is!

[Thokk grabs Palmer by the chest and smashes him through a glass window
into the room where the conference is being held.  He then jumps through
the hole, and grabs the leg off a table where a number of experts are
eating, prior to a speech.]

Crunchbuster: Wonderful.  You idiots made me late for dinner.  Admiral
     Bradford will hear about this.

Thokk: You got Bob, but you didn't get me!  I'm here, and I'm going to
     avenge Bob's murder.

Kessner: (moving through the window, followed by the others)  Another
     Lucky Charm.  Great.  Who are you?

[Kessner inches his hand toward his phaser.]

Thokk: I am BUCKWHEAT!

[Thokk swings the leg at Kessner, missing narrowly, but causing him to
lose his balance so that he falls over.  Sancho yipes.  hj fires her
phaser, hitting Thokk dead center.  He falls over.]

hj: There.  That should do it.

Expert: Hah!  You fools!  You can't stop a Lucky Charm!

[The expert, obviously possessed by Buckwheat begins throwing things all
over the place.  The conference goers are starting to panic and stampede
out of the place.]

Palmer: We have a problem.

Crunchbuster: Indeed we do. I don't think I'll be able to give my speech today.

Kessner: The people are panicking--trampling one another.

Quixote: What does this Buckwheat knave mean to do here?  I shall stop
     him for you, your highness.

hj: No, Don--

Palmer: Dave.

hj: --wait!

[But Quixote has drawn his sword and is advancing on the possessed expert.]

Buckwheat: Ha ha.  Star Fleet's reputation will be ruined now.  The Subaru
     crew can't even keep the peace at a simple conference!

Quixote: Draw, base villain!  Put up your sword, if you be a man.  (looks
     closer at the Andorian expert)  Or whatever you are.

Buckwheat: What?

Quixote: Coward!  Draw!

[Buckwheat begins to throw things at Quixote: pies, plates, dinners.
Nothing deters the courageous knight as he advances.]

Buckwheat: What is the matter with you?  Leave me commit mayhem!

Quixote: Queen half japanese has forbade it.

Buckwheat: Then die!

[Buckwheat picks up a large table and swings it at Quixote, who raises his
sword and cuts the table in two.]

Quixote: Your windmill does not scare me, coward.  Fight like a knight!

Buckwheat: How . . . how did you?  I mean, that was a table.  Your
     pigsticker . . . how?

Quixote: Would you taste the steel of my blade, knave?  Leave this
     place at once!

[The Andorian expert drops to the ground.  A red-haired midget appears
wearing a green bowler hat, a green leather jacket, with green pants,
and green loafers.]

Buckwheat: I'm leaving.  But I'll be back, insolent fool.

[Suddenly a pink rabbit appears, beating a drum.  It hits Buckwheat and
knocks him down, without missing a beat.  It walks right over him.]

Announcer's voice: . . . and going and going and going and . . .

Palmer: Quick, Lieutenant Kessner!  Help me secure Buckwheat!

hj: How in the galaxies did you cut through that table?

Quixote: My sword is sharp.

Kessner: Practor, croutonize us up.  We have one to be croutonized
     directly into a detention cell--a Lucky Charm.

VO Practor: I'll see to it at once.

hj: How do the two of you do it so easily?

[Kessner and Palmer shrug.]

============================================================
COMMERCIAL

Have you ever wondered what Star Trek would have been like
if the entire show were like "Way to Eden?"

McCoy: (singing)
     He's dead, he's dead, Jim you know he's dead.
     He's dead as a doorknob and I can't help it, Jim.

Scotty: (singing)
     Aye, captain, we're working as fast as we can,
     But we can't change the laws of physics, Jim.

Kirk: (singing)
     Oh, hello there strange ship,
     I'm Captain Kirk, James T.
     I know our weapons are loaded,
     But we really come in peace.

Unfortunately, Richard Arnold won't let the New York Civic
Light Opera Company do that, so you won't see that, either.
============================================================

hj: --a success, in the end.  We've still got Buckwheat in detention, and
     the conference was a success once we managed to restore order.

Avenger: (ic)  Sounds good.  How's that new crewmember working out?

hj: Well, like you said, he takes getting used to.  But I suppose he's not
     too aggravating after all.  He did help to stop Buckwheat, after all.

Practor: Captain, we have received authorization to proceed to our
     next destination.

hj: Proceed.

[Exterior Subaru as it disappears from orbit around ch'Rihan with a
blast of jolt drive.]

FADE OUT.