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The Crouton Generation Archives
STAR TREK: THE CROUTON GENERATION
SEASON THREE
Episodes #43-52
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Date: Tue, 9 Apr 91 03:28:42 -0600
From: zecca@tramp (Admiral Avenger)
Subject: ST:TCG3 (Another One!)
half japanese: "Captain's Log, Stardate 102454.7:
Oooooh, I *looooove* being captain. Nice chair. Nice big quarters.
My own office. And I can make everyone bow to my personal whim. hehehe...
Oh, that should go in the personal log, I suppose. Anyway, Jez the
Wonder Kitty has joined our ship for a few days as part of his continuing
educational program. Jez is a cute kitty, but I think our new engineering
recruit, Ensign Yi, has a much nicer b--"
Kessner: Approaching Calma Kepti III, Captain.
hj: Thank you, Eric. Show me a picture, will ya?
A blue-greenish world appears in the distance.
Thokk: Captain, there's a big metal thing in orbit.
hj: A what?
Thokk: Oh, what is it called... (a beat, then a light bulb appears above
his head) Computer, what is that thing in orbit called?
Heian (speaking in a calm, Japanese voice): It is a 4-karum-bah class
Hidden Valley Ranch warship.
Thokk: Right. Captain, there's a big ship in orbit.
hj: Close-up, please.
Thokk hands hj a tube of toothpaste.
hj: Thank you, Thokk, but THAT'S NOT WHAT I WANTED!!!
She throws the tube at Thokk, who cowers, although cowering for someone
as large as Thokk is hard to do and is hardly noticable.
Kessner: Perhaps this is what you wanted, Captain?
An image of a 4-karum-bah class warship, with its classic silvery tuning
fork shape.
hj: Well, I guess we'd better be diplomatic. Thokk, hail the ship.
Thokk: Lessee...which button was that again? Right. This one.
hj: This is... (a beat) ...*CAPTAIN* half japanese of the Federation
starship _Subaru_. State your business.
Twokan: This is Commander Sam Twokan of the HVR warship _C Gate_. I'm into
terror, extortion, taking hostages, and tying up my lovers with licorice.
Why should you care?
hj (aside): Cherry flavored, I hope. (a beat) Too bad he's on the wrong
side. (out loud) Commander, you know perfectly well we don't like HVR
baddie-types poking around our neck of the Universe. We were popping in
to make peaceful contact with the people of the world below. I imagine
that's not what you were up to.
Twokan: Whoa! Give that girl a badge for that ace piece of detective work!
hj: Cut the crap, Toucan Sam.
Twokan: That's SAM *TWO*-KAN.
hj: Whatever. You're doing something naughty down there and I'm going to
find out what it is.
Twokan (crossing arms): All right. But don't say I didn't warn you.
FADE TO BLACK
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
STAR TREK: THE CROUTON GENERATION
"All My Humans"
Written by Admiral Avenger
Guest stars
Brian Tochi as Ensign Yi
Adam West as Commander Sam Twokan
Burt Ward as Sub-Commander Rob Ingraves
David Faustino as Bibwo
Taj Johnson as Tikro
Directed by Douglas Wise
Music by John Tesh
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
In the hallway on Deck 14:
hj: All right. Thokk, Jez, Yi and Suarez will join me.
Palmer: Captain, is it really necessary for *you* to be on the away team?
hj: No, but I wanna. Look, this isn't the Enterprise-D and I'm not bald.
I'll go down any damn time I want to. (pause) Besides, aren't you getting
a bit too old for all this away team stuff?
Palmer: Hey! I--
hj: You have the conn and that's final.
Palmer: All right. What about the others?
hj: Thokk's the security chief and Jez is a guest. I'm taking Yi because...
(she smiles) ...just because. And Suarez is our expendable crew-person
of the week. She'll be dead before the next commercial break.
Palmer: Oh, I get it.
They enter Croutonizer Room 2. It is dark.
hj: Missy, haven't we hired a Croutonizer Chief yet?
Missy: Nope. Not yet. I wish you'd find a light technician though.
hj: I have the utmost confidence in you.
Missy: AUGH. Just get up there and get this over with, will you? I have
a lot of work to do.
Jez: Mrow meowr. [Replacing light bulbs, no doubt.]
* * * * *
hj, Thokk, Jez, Yi and Suarez appear on the planet's surface. A series of
huts lies around them in the middle of a plain. Hidden Valley Ranchers
can be seen beating on the defenseless tribespeople with large metal sticks.
Thokk walks up behind the nearest Rancher and taps him on the shoulder.
Thokk: Why don't you pick on someone your own size?
The Rancher turns, then looks up and up and up. Then Thokk brings his fist
down and whaps him on top of the head, knocking him flat unconscious.
Jez: Mrow meowr mrowp meow prrp. Mewp mrow meowr mrowp prrup mrewp mrow?
[Wow. That was pretty neat. Can you show me how to do that?]
Thokk: It's the Barbarian Skull Whack. It's not hard to learn. (a beat,
then walking up to the next Rancher) Here, let me show you.
By now, the rest of the Ranchers are getting involved in a brawl with the
Away Team. Some of the villagers try to fight back the Ranchers as well,
and the Ranchers pull out their disruptor pistols for easy crowd control.
Jez: Mrow meowr mrowp mrow meow. [Hey, I think we're outnumbered.]
Thokk: Maybe you'd better for run for cover in case we need help.
Suddenly, the tide turns. A Rancher shoots Suarez, who vaporizes instantly.
Yi gets beat to a pulp. Thokk is taken down by six Ranchers, who begin to
tie him up in steel cable. hj is dragged to the head Rancher by two others.
She kicks and screams the whole way. The remaining villagers succumb quickly
to the HVR goon squad, while Jez the Wonder Kitty darts into the jungle.
hj (hanging from two Ranchers, to the camera): See. I told you Suarez
would be gone by the commercial break.
FADE TO BLACK
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Starting Monday, an all-new sitcom...
When a young Klingon runs into too much trouble from gangs, his parents
send him to live with his cousins on Earth...
KARG OF BEL-AIR
Karg: Hey, Kilgore, let's go down to Australia for the weekend and kill
rabbits.
Kilgore, Karg's yuppie Klingon cousin, responds in disgust.
Kilgore: Kill?! Rabbits? Karg, really. Rabbits are precious little
creatures that we should love and adore.
Karg: They're stupid little rodents that reproduce too often and taste
almost edible in a sauce made of their own blood.
(Laugh track kicks in, overdone as usual)
Monday night at 8 pm local on your FBC affiliate.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"First Officer's Log, Stardate 102454.9:
Still no word from the away team. My concern is growing, but there is
little we can do without raising the attention of our Hidden Valley Ranch
companions..."
Palmer: Computer...coffee, decaf, two lumps, hot.
A glass of sake appears in the food synthesizer.
Palmer: Computer, I...oh, never mind. (takes the sake)
Kessner: Commander, we have to do *something* to find them.
Palmer: I know...but what? With the _C Gate_ hanging off our bow, there's
not much we can do without raising their suspicions.
Kessner: I imagine they're the cause of all this.
* * * * *
Jez continues through the underbrush. He comes upon another village, a mile
or so from the one he left the _Subaru_ team in. He decides to take a chance
and leaves the jungle to enter the village.
Jez (loudly): Mrrrrowwww? Meeeeooowwwww? [Helloooo? Hellloooooooo?]
Three villagers walking by stop in their tracks, turn and then drop to their
knees in awe. They bow their heads down to the ground and begin chanting.
Jez (walking closer): Mrow meowr mrowp mrow meowp. Meowr prrup mrow hiss
hiss mrow grrrowl. [I need your help. My friends and your neighbor village
have been attacked by outsiders.]
The universal translator in Jez's communicator pin begins to spur to life.
Bibwo (bowing and averting his eyes): Oh, Lord, who are so great in all
things. Please accept our humble assistance in any of your Holy crusades.
Jez: Mrow? Mrow meow prrup mrow meow. [Lord? I'm not a god or anything.]
Bibwo: Lord, who art so modest, let us obey your every whim and feed you
whenever you wish it.
Jez (aside): Mrow prrrup purr mrow. [Hey, this doesn't sound too bad...]
Another villager comes running into the village out of the jungle.
Tikro: I have seen the minions the devil! They have taken our neighbor's
village!
Bibwo: Tikro! Your manners!
Tikro (bowing and kneeling): Forgive me, Lord. I did not see your aweing
presence in my blind fear. You may punish me as you wish.
Jez: Mrow meowr mrowp mrow meow. [We need to stop these devil-worshippers.]
Mrow hiss purrp mrow... [Now here's my plan...]
FADE TO BLACK
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
LIMERICK BREAK
A daffy old Cubs fan named Chi
Drafted not one first baseman but three.
And then he picked four
And then more and then more
Leaving only McGriff there for me. ]-)
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Ensign Yi and Captain hj are tied up back to back. Yi is attempting to
untie the ropes around her wrists, but it is not an easy job. Thokk is
nearby, chained and straitjacketed.
hj: Hey, that tickles!
Yi: Sorry, Captain.
hj (smiling): I didn't say to stop...
The hut opens and Yi stops his escape job. Sam Twokan and his sidekick,
Rob Ingraves, enter.
Twokan: So, Captain half japanese.
hj: So, Toucan Sam and Robin the Boy Blunder!!
Ingraves (being held back by two junior Ranchers): I'm going to--
Thokk: Warrior needs food.
Twokan: No Rob, you're not. (toothy grin) That's my job.
hj: Hey, uh, I'm sure you're a really nice guy, you know, but, uh, you're
really not my type. Heh.
Thokk: Warrior needs food!
Twokan: Have Captain hj beamed up to my quarters. Take these other two
and...sacrifice them to the volcano god at your earliest convenience.
Twokan turns and marches off through the door. Ingraves shakes off the
junior officers, glares at hj, then turns and marches off EXACTLY as
Twokan did.
* * * * *
Jez: Bibwo meowr mrow prrup hiss mrow mrow. Prrup hiss mrow prrup meowr
mrowp meow. [Bibwo, your people will need to take the devils by surprise.
But make sure you do NOT harm the people in clothing similar to mine.]
Bibwo: Yes, Lord. I understand. Would you care for some Pounce while we
wait for Tikro's archers, Lord?
Jez: Prrup meow. [That would be nice, thank you.]
Bibwo: May my sisters scratch your ears and rub your back for you, Lord?
Jez: Meowr puuuuurrrrrrr. [Yes, thank you...]
* * * * *
The turbolifts door, with the _Subaru_ trademark Pleiades cluster emblazoned
on the doors, open to allow Palmer onto the bridge.
Kessner: Commander, Croutonizer activity between the _C Gate_ and the
village area.
Palmer: Hailing frequencies.
Practor: Aye, sir.
Palmer: This is Commander Jim Palmer of the starship _Subaru_. I demand
to know what you have done with our captain.
Twokan (ss): Nothing...yet. She's about to have the time of her life though.
Palmer: Damn you, Twokan. Stop the games and hand over our crew members.
Twokan (ss): Well, if you *really* want them back so bad, you should be able
to recover two of them from the Selekor volcano in about (looks at his
wrist chronometer) 90 seconds.
Palmer: Sh**. Close channel. (taps communicator) Security...
* * * * *
Thokk and Yi are being pushed ahead toward the rim of the great caldera
of the volcano. The Ranchers laugh heartily at the fate of the poor
_Subaru_ crewmen.
Suddenly, with a howl like that of a wounded water buffalo, Tikro and his
archers step out of the rocks and begin to fill the Ranchers with arrows.
Nearby, in the village...
Jez: MROW! [Charge!]
Bibwo and the men and women of his village began to run into the village,
spearing Ranchers and freeing the wounded residents of the village so they
may join the battle.
Some of the Ranchers on top of the volcano have not given up though. Pulling
out their disruptors, they have begun to fry some of the archers while two
of their ranks begin to push Yi toward the edge of the volcano...
Yi: Hey! Don't do this! Thokk, help me!!!
Thokk (straining against the chain): RRRRRRR... (stops fighting against
the chains and instead screams at top of his voice) JEZZZZ!!!!!!!!!
Down in the village...
Jez: Mrow? [Thokk?] (turns and looks up to the volcano) Meowp mrow.
[Uh oh.] Mrow Bibwo hiss mrow! [Bibwo, up there!]
With the forces of two villages beginning to overcome the Ranchers, Bibwo
and Jez begin to head up the mountain to the rescue.
Rancher: Would you guys just get it over with and drop that Fed twerp into
the volcano?
Suddenly, twelve Federation security officers appear scattered across the
side of the volcano. They begin taking down Ranchers with phasers set to
stun and a few move forward to retrieve Yi before he falls into the volcano.
Yi: Geeez, that was close.
Thokk: Hey, what about me?
Jez the Wonder Kitty shows up and begins to undo the straitjacket. One of
the security ensigns phasers the lock on the chains.
Thokk: It's about time! Hey, you wouldn't have any food on you, would you?
Jez: Mrow Bibwo meowr mrowp purrrp? [Bibwo, can your people get my friend
something to eat?]
Bibwo: Yes, Lord. (motions to two of his villagers)
Thokk: Lord?
Yi: Jez the Wonder Kitty, Volcano God?
Jez: Mrow meowr hiss mrow? [Where's your captain?]
Thokk: Rancher geeks took her to their ship.
Jez: Hiss. [Sh**.]
FADE TO BLACK
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
LIMERICK BREAK
There was a young Crouton named Jez
Who was more fond of Pounce than of Pez.
As Soraya would have it
He's quick as a rabbit
And as big as a Targ, so she says.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Midzor: You want me to do what?
Palmer: You heard me.
Midzor (shaking her head): All right...
Midzor marches into the turbolift.
Midzor: Crouton Torpedo Tubes.
The turbolift begins to whizz along. It stops and she steps off.
Midzor: Ensign Quixote?
Ensign Dave Quixote leaps down from somewhere in the ceiling tiles, scaring
Missy to death. The lights go out.
Midzor: DOUBLE DAMMIT!!
Quixote: What bidding can I do for you, Your Highness?
Midzor: First of all, DON'T EVER SCARE ME LIKE THAT AGAIN OR I'LL HAVE YOU
STRUNG UP BY YOUR--
Quixote: Yes, ma'am.
Midzor: Second, Commander Palmer wants you to link up with Croutonizer 2.
Modify two Crouton Torpedoes to punch a narrow hole in the _C Gate_'s
shields -- just enough to get a Croutonizer beam through.
Quixote: Yes, Your Highness.
Midzor: Don't start that again! (marches off) Call me in Croutonizer 2
when you're ready.
* * * * *
Croutonizer Room 2.
Midzor: All right, bridge. *I'm* ready.
Quixote (ic): The machine is ready as you wish, milady.
Midzor: Palmer, I think we're ready.
Palmer (ic): Begin the initial phase of the transport. Quixote, stand by.
* * * * *
On the bridge...
Palmer: Hailing frequencies.
Kessner: Hailing frequencies open, Commander.
Palmer: This is Commander Palmer of the starship _Subaru_. Disarm your
weapons and return our Captain or we will destroy your ship.
Sam Twokan appears on the viewscreen.
Twokan (ss): You're bluffing. Feds never provoke an attack.
Palmer: Apparently you've never dealt with me. Mr. Kessner, fire Crouton
Torpedo.
A Crouton torpedoes lances out of the _Subaru_ and smashes against the
_C Gate_'s shields.
Twokan (ss): What a pathetic little weapon. Rob, lock on all weapons.
(to Palmer) Prepare to die.
Ingraves (ss): Commander...the weapons systems are not responding.
Twokan (ss): What! (closes channel)
Palmer rubs his hands together as he walks up behind Practor.
Palmer: Let's just hope this works.
* * * * *
In the HVR engine room, several engineers lie stunned. Thokk looks on
with approval as Yi stands up holding important computer components.
Thokk: You do good work, Yi.
Yi: Thanks, Thokk. Let's find the Captain.
Thokk: Jez is already on way. He will call when he find her.
Yi: Well, the Ranchers are bound to come down here looking for us. Let's
get out of here.
* * * * *
In Twokan's quarters, a Rancher guard hands hj a microscopic piece of clothing.
hj: You're kidding, right? He expects me to wear THIS?
Guard: Yes. Those were my orders. Now put it on.
hj: The least you could do is leave the room while I change!
Guard: Oh all right! (steps outside the door to join three other guards)
hj: What a--
She stops, hearing some scratching.
hj: Who's there?
Jez: Mrow mrowr. [It's me. Jez.]
hj (rushing to the ventilation grate): Jez! What are you doing here?
Jez: Mrow meowr mrowp. [Saving your butt.]
hj (looking at the little piece of clothing): Yeah, I think you're right.
(changing subject) Where are the others?
Twokan's door falls in. Thokk fills the doorway.
Thokk: Here.
hj: All right! Let's get the hell out of here!
The other security grunts back into the room, pushing Thokk through the
doorway. Twokan steps forward with a blaster to Yi's head.
Yi: Uh, sorry.
Twokan: Hi, honey, did you miss me?!?
hj: Sam, put the blaster down and let him go.
Twokan: Or what?
hj: Or I won't let you use the licorice tonight.
Twokan starts to lower the blaster. Thokk begins to move forward. Twokan
suddenly comes to his senses and pulls the blaster back up.
Twokan: Don't try to trick me like that!!!
Yi: Urgh.
Suddenly, Jez the Wonder Kitty leaps -- the length of the room -- and
lands in Twokan's leg, claws digging in. He drops the blaster, lets go
of Yi, and screams. Suddenly, the room becomes dark.
EXCITING MUSIC AND QUICK CUT:
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
LIMERICK BREAK (by David Gerrold)
A king who was mad at the time,
Decreed limerick writing a crime;
But late in the night
All the poets would write
Verses without any rhyme or meter.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
hj, Thokk, Yi, Jez, the security team, and Sam Twokan appear on the
pads in Croutonizer 4. Midzor is waiting behind the console.
hj: Of course! It had to be you! When the lights went out--
Midzor (storming off): I don't want to hear about it!!!
hj: Well, boys, you want to take our new roomie down to the brig?
Thokk: Come on.
Thokk picks up Twokan and stuffs him under one arm. Jez is still hanging,
now upside-down, by his claws from Twokan's leg. The rest of the security
detachment follows. The door shuts, leaving hj and Yi behind.
hj: That was a stupid thing you did, getting yourself caught -- twice!
(She whacks him across the forehead.)
Yi: Sorry, Captain. I--
hj: SSSHHH!! You deserve a suitable punishment for your error.
Yi (stiffening to attention): Aye, Captain.
hj: Come by my quarters at 8 o'clock.
She hands Yi a small piece of clothing, the one the Ranchers gave her a
few minutes before.
hj (smiling and leering): Wear this.
* * * * *
"First Officer's Log, Stardate 102459.3:
We have dropped off Jez at Starbase LMC2, where Admiral O'Brien's
staff has taken Commander Twokan into custody. All is quiet and we are
proceeding to our next assignment."
In Ten Forward...
Palmer: Computer, a nice decaffeinated tea, please. (pause) And please
don't give me any more of that sake. It gives me gas.
Thokk (towering over Palmer): Food slot gives you wrong food too?
A cup of tea appears in the replicator. Palmer picks it up.
Palmer: Well, not exactly the wrong food...more like it makes sure whatever
it is I ordered has a Japanese flair.
Thokk: Do these Japanese eat red meat?
Palmer: Not very often. Mostly rice and fish, I think.
Thokk: That explain it.
They move to a table. Palmer sits down, finding the chair just a little
too small. Thokk sits down very uncomfortably -- the chair obviously too
small. Palmer takes a sip of his tea as Thokk's stomach growls loudly.
Palmer: Thokk, have you lost weight?
Thokk: Yes, sir. Can not eat food computer gives me. Bad taste. Yuck!
Palmer: Anything else bothering you?
Thokk remains silent for a moment. Then realizing he's not going to get
out of the question...
Thokk: Homesick.
Palmer: I could arrange a leave of absence so you can spend some time on
your homeworld.
Thokk: That not it. (pause) Miss my friends on _Heisenberg_.
Palmer: Aaaaahhhh. (pats the giant on the shoulder) Don't worry, my
friend. I'm sure we can work out something.
Thokk: Thank you, Commander.
Out the Ten Forward windows, they can see the stars shift back to normal
as the ship drops out of warp. Lying ahead is a brilliant blue-white star
with a flat nebula orbiting it tightly. Palmer gets up, then does the
Picard Maneuver.
Palmer: They'll be needing me on the bridge.
Thokk (stands up, extends a hand to Palmer): Really, Commander. Thanks.
Palmer returns the handshake. Camera moves beyond them, and out the window
as the credits come up.
FADE TO BLACK
----------------------------------------------------------------------
[Note: The following ad switches over to the new ST:TNG ad format, which
picked up late in the Third Season and returned with vengeance after a few
episodes of the Fourth Season.]
On the Admiral's next exciting episode of
STAR TREK: THE CROUTON GENERATION
"Stupid"
[Funky synthesizer music as we zoom on a slow motion Tim Larkin.]
Commander Tim Larkin...new first officer of the _USS Melbourne_.
His first day was a quiet one. His second day becomes an encounter
[Switch to clip of Larkin as Dick van Dyke with Rhee as Mary Tyler Moore.]
with his personal hell, as he and the crew become trapped in a TV sitcom
world gone mad.
[Quick close-up of a laughing Paul Darrow.]
Will dark justice prevail?
[P.D. Kunz in a tux standing next to a barren California desert highway,]
[ at night, leaning against a sign that reads "The Twilight Zone." ]
Unscheduled journey through the Twilight Zone on STAR TREK: THE
CROUTON GENERATION!
-----------------
Date: Tue, 9 Apr 91 14:00:54 edt
From: "Packs of Wolves. No Hippos (Russell, Kerri)"
Subject: STTCG episode **SHORT*
On the next episode of Star Trek: The Crouton Generation
"The Writers have a Field Day"
With a sudden boom in creativity amongst the Crouton writing staff, many new
episodes are being born every second. Will the Crouton fans get tired of
reading???? Will the audience even care to read???? Does the audience know
how to read??? Why have commercials been taking over scripts???? Will people
complain that they don't have enough mail???? Or that they have too much???
And, finally, will Captain half japanese ever just use one question mark in a
short episode???? Find out next time (if you care to read about it) on the
NEXT Exciting episode of
Staaaaaaarrrr Trreeeeeekkkkk the Crouton Generation.
-----------------
Date: Tue, 9 Apr 91 13:55:24 edt
From: "Packs of Wolves. No Hippos (Russell, Kerri)"
Subject: *MY* latest STTCG episode **LONG**
FYI:
USS Subaru NCC-83842
half japanese Captain [Author's note:COOLNESS]
Cdr. Jim Palmer First Officer
Lt. Cdr. Midzor Chief Engineer/Second Officer
Lt. Eric Kessner Primary Ops Officer
Dr. (Lt.) Jen-L Chief Medical Officer
Lt. JG Thokk the Dismemberer Security Chief/Ship's Barbarian
Ensign Dave Quixote Photon Tube Maintenance Man, Third Class
Ensign Practor Con Officer (Romulan exchange program)
Heian Ship's Computer
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Captain's Personal Log: Stardate Lunchtime...I'm sick of not having anything to
do. I have discovered that one disadvantage to being a Captain is that the crew
members respect my position too much to let me put *them* into all sorts of
interesting positions. And now I am supposed to be joining my staff at
lunch. We actually have a **real** cook instead of computerized food. I hope
he knows what he's doing...
Captain half japanese walks into the Dinning Hell where she joins the senior
officers (the only ones who *really* matter)
Cdr. Palmer: Hello, Captain. We've been waiting for you.
hj: Are you implying that I am late???
Palmer: I...
hj: I demand a little more respect from you, *Commander*
Palmer: I...uh...I meant no disrespect...
hj: On the floor!
Palmer: Uh, Captain this isn't the place...Wouldn't your quarters...
hj: (throws Cdr. Palmer to the floor) 20 push-ups.
Palmer: (looks up) huh?
hj: 30, then. NOW! (Palmer starts doing push-ups) On your knuckles, Commander!
The crew watches in silence as Cdr. Palmer grudgingly does his push-ups.
hj: Very good. Next time I expect you to count out loud, yelling the number,
when you do your push-ups. (to the crew) I don't want to see any
insubordination on MY ship. Is that perfectly clear? (looks around) I went
easy on Cdr. Palmer because he's my 1st officer. It'll much worse for
anyone else who steps out of line. (sighs) The samurai had the right idea-
any time a measly little peasant was disrespectful...simply didn't bow
fast enough...he had his head chopped off. (sighs again) Those were the
days....We've got to pull ourselves together. By this ship being
well-disciplined we'll make Starfleet look good. And we all want to do
that, don't we?
Crew (as a single unit): HAI! [author's note: The Japanese way of saying "yes,
sir (ma'am)]
hj: (sits down looks at her lunch) This is **CHINESE** food, you moron! 50
push-ups for the chef! (pause) Does Dominos deliver out here?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cut to Bridge sometime after lunch
Captains Log: The crew of the Subaru is undergoing intense disciplinary
training. I feel this will at least give the crew something to do, since we
have no missions to look forward to. Also, if we are the best disciplined ship
in the fleet Starfleet will be proud of us. Now if only we had something to
do...
hj: Ensign Practor, is there anything at all out there? Of interest that is...
Practor: No, captain.
hj: Are you sure?
Practor: Quite, captain.
hj: (sigh) Time to find someone to discipline...(leaves the bridge)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On the Next Episode of Star Trek the Crouton Generation:
Nothing to Do Except Push-ups
Written By: half japanese
Directed By: Raksha
Spell Checked By: Euge
Whips Provided By: Thokk
Music By: The Violent Femmes
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In Ten Forward Cdr. Palmer, Lt. Cdr. Midzor, and Lt. Kessner sip warm sake
Kessner: She could at least let us drink something other than Japanese
alcohol!
Palmer: What are *you* complaining about! *My* arms are sore. They don't pay me
enough for this....Maybe I'll retire.
Kessner: This isn't like her....somethings probably wrong.
Midzor: It's probably just her time of the month.
Palmer: My arms really hurt! Missy, you'd better make sure the lights are in
perfect condition. If they go off...
Kessner: We'd all better make sure everything's in good condition, she'll
probably start giving surprise inspections.
hj (over intercom): Lt. Cdr. Midzor, I want a tour of engineering in 2 min.
Meet me there.
Midzor: HAI! (to Kessner, sarcastically) Surprise!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In engineering...
Midzor: Well, Captain, how can my staff serve you better?
hj: Everything seems to be ship-shape....You haven't shown me the weapons
system yet....Are you hiding something?
Midzor: Of course not! This way...
Captain half japanese [Author's note: I like the sound of that] and Lt. Cdr.
Midzor walk over to Ensign Dave Quixote who is working on a Photon Tube. He is
using 20th century tools, and his face, uniform and backwards Hiroshima Tigers
[Author's note: that could be wrong...I never could keep the teams straight]
baseball cap are all coated with grease.
hj: Why aren't you using more modern tools, Ensign?
DQ [Author's note: Dairy Queen? Ensign Dairy Queen, I like that]: Methinks
modern technology hinder the important things. Much in the same way that
knowlege hinders true learning, your magesty.
hj: Ah, a philosopher, I see. (to Midzor) Does he get his job done?
Midzor: He's the best third class photon tube maintanance man we have! And we
did finally get him to wear a smaller hat, and keep his dog in his
room. As you can see, Captain, everything here is in perfect order.
hj: Kerri on then.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As Captain half japanese [Author's note: I really like the sound of that!]
inspects the security officers...
Thokk: They are all expected to warm up here before their shift begins. I find
that if they aren't properly warmed up they aren't effective warriors.
hj: Indeed. Very impressive staff. It would probably be a good idea for some
of your more experienced fighters to teach classes to make sure the rest
of the crew stays in shape.
Thokk: I'll see to it, Captain.
hj: Are you in the mood for a little sparring? I, too, need to stay in shape.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In sickbay, Lt. Jen-L talks with Captain half japanese [author's note: I still
can't get over how good that sounds!]
Jen-L: I'm sorry to tell you this, but your arm is broken, Captain. You'll have
to take it easy for the next few days.
hj: No captain in the history of Starfleet has ever listened to what the
ship's doctor has told them to do, and I am NOT about to be the first!
Jen-L: Well you can let me do the simple proceedure and just take it easy the
next few days, or I can put a plaster cast on it for the next six
weeks. The choice is yours, Captain.
hj: Isn't there another way?
Jen-L: Listen! This is the way it has to be! Deal with it!
hj: (grumble) Let's get this over with. (sigh)
Thokk: I AM sorry, Captain. I guess I just got a little Kerried away...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Captain half japanese [Author's note: I won't say it] lies on her bed in her
quarters.
Captain's Personal Log Stardate Now: The procedure done on my arm has made me
feel ever-so-slightly dizzy, I have no choice but to rest as the Doctor
instructed. I think the medication is making me hallucinate...Lt. Yee stop
that! What if Paula finds out?...How did you get on my ship anyway? Oh, that
feels SOoo...mmmmmmm...prrrrrrrr
Palmer: Palmer to Captain half japanese.
hj: (sleepily) Yeah?
Palmer: There's a marshmallow shaped object coming towards us.
hj: Sounds cute. Be right there.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
cut to bridge
hj: Wow! It's so HUGE!
Palmer: (annoyed) Yes, Captain. What are we going to do about it.
hj: I don't know. What is it?
Palmer: How am I supposed to know?
hj: Didn't you run any tests on it? What did the scanners show?
Kessner: It appears to be alive, Captain.
hj: Is it moving? Does it breathe? You could have at least found these things
out before tearing me from an arousing dream.
Kessner: It's moving towards us, leaving a trail of goo behind it. I estimate
impact in 3 minutes. (pause) it just stopped moving.
hj: Three minutes??? and you just called me now?!
Kessner: Captain, it seems to be firing...
hj: Chuk'sho!
Kessner: uh, no it isn't...it's just spraying itself with something.
hj: (to the computer) Heian, what do you make of it?
Heian: You my love/A star/And a warm fire to sit by...(sighs) It appears to
be spraying itself with windshield wiper fluid.
Palmer: It has windows? I don't see any!
Heian: Sight/Wisdom/There is none...(sighs)
Practor: (to Kessner) Do all ships have weird computers?
Heian: Romulan smile!/Like the bird/With no mouth...(sighs) I'm not weird,
I'm just a "sensitive artist." [Author's note, yet again: King Missile
song]
hj: So what is this thing? Is it alive? Is it a ship? Why is it just sitting
there?
Thokk: It's not responding to communications on any channel, Captain.
hj: Does it have anything to recieve our messages?
Heian: The blind lead the Deaf/Who cannot see/Where are they going?...(sighs)
Insufficient data, Captain.
Palmer: What should we do, Captain?
Thokk: Let's just destroy it! Much more fun than just sitting here.
Kessner: What if it's friendly?
Palmer: Oh sure, a friendly piece of goo. This is too much. (mumbles) Maybe I
should go into early retirement...
Practor: We could take bets on whether or not it's friendly....
hj: Enough! You should be finding answers. Not gossiping. Everyone run every
test they can think of. Let me know what you find. And what's this about
gambling? Ensign Practor, I want 30 sit-ups before you begin. (pauses)
Well, what are you waiting for, get busy!!! (to the computer) Heian,
search your memory banks for past encounters with marshmallows.
Heian: History, the guide/Sun sets/And returns to yesterday...(sighs) First
known encounter was with the Stay Puft Marshmallow man. Result unknown.
Most of the newsreel was destroyed in a fire in the early 21st century.
No known encounters since then.
hj: (To herself) Doshokana? (sighs)
The entire bridge crew is pressing buttons either really conducting tests or
just pretending to so they don't have to do sit-ups.
Jen-L (over communicator): Jen-L to bridge.
hj: yeah?
Jen-L: It is alive, Captain. It has six arms folded completely around its
five legs, giving it that shape. It is simply a living marshmallow.
One that has never moved in 6,000,000,000 years, the day it first
existed.
Kessner: I thought it was coming towards us.
Jen-L: You probably had too much sake...
hj (sniffs Kessners breath): No drinking before going on duty! gimmie 10
push-ups.
Palmer: Why only 10?
hj: He was at least drinking good sake. I approve of *that*.
Palmer (to himself): Why do I put up with this job? I should have listened to
mother. Maybe she had some good advice.
hj: I don't get it. How could evolution give life to a creature with six arms
and five legs who doesn't use them??!!!
The Marshmallow stands up to a full...well, even bigger than it was before.
Marsh: It couldn't.
The Marshmallow than disappears into a puff of logic.
Practor: huh?
Kessner: huh?
Palmer: what?
DQ (who isn't on the bridge): huh?
Thokk: huh?
Midzor: Where did that light switch go?
hj: Well, now that the enemy is gone we can continue as normal. I for one am
going back to bed. Anyone care to join me? (several young ensigns stand
up) I'll take you three. (to Palmer) Set up a party tonight. A real
feast. (starts to leave) Oh and alcohol of ANY nationality. It's party
time.
Palmer: Hai!
Procter: Um, Captain?
hj: Yes, Ensign?
Practor: I don't get it. It was there, you asked a question it stood answered
your question, and disappeared into a puff of logic. What happened?
hj: It's simple, Ensign. Don't you get it? It only stands to reason...
-----------------
From: s892024@minyos.xx.rmit.OZ.AU (Richard Muirden)
Subject: ST:TCG "The end of Capt. Flirt" (V. SHORT!)
Date: Wed, 10 Apr 91 9:42:18 EST
Next time, on an all new episode:
ST:TCG3: "The end of Capt. Flirt"
Now that Captain Muirden is in love, he can no longer be Captain
Flirt. After searching for a sutable person to take over the
honors, but finding Euge refusing, it looks like the end of
the position of Captain Flirt. Also the fight from the subdued
flirting part of Captain Muirden's nature is taking him from here
to hell and back, but love has to win out! See if Captain Flirt
will live again or become an extinct species in the next exciting
episode as the croutons fight to flirt!
-----------------
Date: Wed, 10 Apr 91 23:13:19 edt
From: "Packs of Wolves. No Hippos (Russell, Kerri)"
Subject: ST:TCG short
On the NeXT eXciting Episode of Star Trek: The Crouton Generation
"The Big Dick: Coming to a Town Near You"
(not for sensitve readers)
As *Captain* half japanese almosts get used to her new position, ALF comes
back into her life to try to get revenge. The crew of the Subaru try to
attack his ship (since Peaceful negotiations didn't work) with a new weapons
(which is so new it doesn't have a name yet) system which was supposed to
convince the ship it has just gotten a very bad cold. Unbeknownst to the crew
of the Subaru, ALF has covered his ship (The Big Dick) with a rubber
protective device. Will the Subaru defeat the evil (and ugly) ALF???? Will
half japanese get the credit??? If the Subaru doesn't fight as well as they
could will half japanese make herself do push ups???? Does ALF want half
japanese back???? How many more episodes does the Big Dick have to be in
before it is mentioned under "other ships" in the directory???? Does anyone
but me care???? And why all the *@#%*^& question marks????????
Find out on STAR TREK THE CROUTON GENERATION
-----------------
Date: Wed, 10 Apr 91 23:28:34 edt
From: "Packs of Wolves. No Hippos (Russell, Kerri)"
Subject: STTCG short again not for youngin's
On the next episode:
"The Big Dick is Boned"
The Big Dick comes back for yet another strike at the Subaru. Will the Subaru
be able to drive them back, or is the Big Dick going to take half japanese and
her beloved crew along for a ride???? Will half japanese get credit for
writing the shortest episode ever???? Or *IS* this the shortest one??? Find
out someday on STAR TREK THE CROUTON GENERATION
-----------------
Date: Wed, 10 Apr 91 23:39:01 edt
From: "Packs of Wolves. No Hippos (Russell, Kerri)"
Subject: STTCG not for sensitives SHORT
ON the next...you know the rest....
"A Big Dick with ALFalfa"
The Big Dick strikes out at the Subaru yet again in the hopes of inflicting
enough pain to be recorded as an "important" ship. (Inferiority complexes, ya
know) Will ALF's dream ever be realized, or is he all wet???? Does one of the
Admirals latest messages informed Captain half japanese in a change of the Big
Dick's status???? (I hope so...) (why write all of these otherwise???...) And
will half japanese EVER stop using multiple question marks???? (or get enough
multiple...ANYWAY)????? Will half japanese stop thinking about the Big Dick's
position and get back to work (real work that is)???????
Find out next time...you know the rest...
-----------------
Date: Wed, 10 Apr 91 23:36 EDT
From: "Gilliam, Suzanne"
There are new faces aboard the USS Melbourne, including one belonging to an
unexpected visitor! Who are these strange people, and why are they here?
Are they housebroken? Do they bite? Will the drewid ever get a starring
role in an episode? Find out the answers to all of the above in the next
exciting episode of ST:TCG "The Present"!
-----
Date: Wed, 10 Apr 91 23:36 EDT
From: "Gilliam, Suzanne"
Captain's Log: Well, the trade seemed to go well. The USS Melbourne has
acquired Lt. drewid from the USS Chivalier, and Cdr. Larkin has replaced
Cdr. Carter as First Officer. They both seem to be adjusting quite well...
Suddenly, a scream is heard.
Captain's Log: What the hell was that??
Capt. Muirden: (to the machine into which he is dictating) oops. strike
that last line.
He rushes out into the corridor to find a very angry and also soaking wet
Lt. drewid, who is wrapped in nothing but what seems to be a
twentieth-century bath towel.
Capt. Muirden: Dare I ask?
drewid: that....that...that...
Suddenly, from around the corner, Dave Quixote appears, looking slightly
confused.
Capt. Muirden: Dave Quixote?! What are you doing here?
DQ: Queen hj has graciously permitted me a leave of absence, so I decided
to lend my services to this quaint little ship for a short while.
Capt. Muirden: QUAINT LITTLE SHIP?? Why, you....
DQ: No need to thank me.
Capt. Muirden: (turning to the drewid, who is standing in the middle of
the corridor, dripping) What happened?
drewid: He was standing there when I got out of the shower, holding a
towel. Of all the nerve...
DQ: I merely wished to place myself at your disposal, milady.
drewid: Yeah, well you can dispose of yourself right...milady?
Dave Quixote smiles sweetly.
drewid: (softening) Well...I suppose he can stay. Captain?
Capt. Muirden: (*sigh*) Oh, all right. (mumbling) hj owes me one.
********************************************************************
ST:TCG drewid's episode #4
"The Present"
Starring:
Captain Richard Muirden
Lt. drewid
Dave Quixote
half japanese
Lt. Kerry Hoke
Casanova, Ship's Computer
Cdr. Tim Larkin
Written by drewid
Directed (as always) by Euge Yee
Music by Wagner and Shroeder
Casting by The Moose That Bit My Sister, Inc.
*******************************************************************
The following morning. Lt. drewid is lounging in a chair, mopily (mopily?)
sipping a cup of coffee. Captain Muirden strolls in.
Capt. Muirden: GOOD morning, drewid!
drewid: (sarcastically) SOMEBODY's in a good mood today.
Lt. Hoke scurries in and throws her arms around Captain Muirden. Suddenly,
she sees Lt. drewid, and blushes.
drewid: ah. ahem. well...er...I...um...have to be going now.
She makes a rather rapid exit, and nearly collides with Cdr. Larkin in the
corridor.
Cdr. Larkin: Whoa, slow down, drewid. What's up?
The sound of scuffling accompanied by muffled giggles is heard from the
direction of the lounge.
Cdr. Larkin: Ah. At it again, are they? Um...maybe I won't go into the
lounge.
He turns and walks back in the direction he came from, accompanied by Lt.
drewid. Suddenly, a scream and a bang come from the direction of the
lounge. Dave Quixote is standing outside the lounge door looking most
embarrassed.
DQ: I am afraid I interrupted a rather intimate encounter...
drewid: (laughing) That's o.k., Dave. They should learn the purpose of
door locks. (giggled malevolently) Well, I can't stand here
chatting all day, I have work to do.
She meanders toward the music control room.
DQ: Shall I accompany you milday? Milady? Ah. Well, I (turning back
toward the lounge uncertainly)...I suppose I can find something
heroic and purposeful to do somewhere in this direction.
He walks away from the lounge, followed by Cdr. Larkin, who attempts,
subtly, to convince him that he really doesn't need to do anything heroic
while he's on vacation.
**************************************************************************
(In the music control room)
drewid: Casanova?
(silence)
drewid: Casanova? CASANOVA!
Casanova, ship's computer: Hm, hm, hm...oh, sorry, Lieutenant. I was just
listening to some of the latest selections in our music file.
drewid: Anything interesting?
Casanova: Yes, there are two fairly exceptional pieces.
The sound of Wagner's "Ride of the Valkyries" eminates from the speakers.
drewid: That's not bad! What's it called?
Casanova: Hmm...oh yes. It's called "Kill the Wabbit." Unusual title.
drewid: Quite. And the second?
The Peanuts theme (da da DA da da da DA da) is heard.
drewid: Interesting.
*************************************************************************
Later, on the bridge. Dave Quixote is vainly attempting to rescue Captain
Muirden from Lt. Hoke's grasp.
DQ: Begone, vile witch!
drewid: (to Cdr. Larkin, who is standing by helplessly) What's he talking
about?
Cdr. Larkin: Somehow he's become convinced that Lt. Hoke is some sort of
sorceress.
DQ: She was wielding a magic wand that burned like fire!
drewid: (smirking) Anything we should know about?
Lt. Hoke: It's a CURLING IRON!
drewid: (still smirking) Oh. Let her go, Dave, she's harmless.
Dave Quixote releases Lt. Hoke, who immediately rushes into Captain
Muirden's arms.
Lt. Hoke: Oh, Richard!
Capt. Muirden: Oh, Kerry!
drewid: Oh, brother!
Suddenly, the view screen lights up, and Captain half japanese appears.
(She likes the sound of that.)
hj: Hey guys!
DQ: My queen! (bows to the screen)
hj: (indicating Dave) What did you think of my "present"?
drewid: He IS returnable, isn't he?
hj: Heh heh. Of course. I kinda missed not having someone at my beck
and call to cater to my every whim, actually.
drewid: Now that you mention it, maybe I'll keep him.
hj glares at her.
drewid: (smiling) NOT!
hj: Come on, Don.
Everyone in the background on the USS Subaru and everyone on the bridge of
the USS Melbourne: DAVE!!
hj: Oops. (blushes) Come on, DAVE. Time to come home.
DQ: Right away, my queen.
Capt. Muirden: Lt. Cdr. Savan, prepare to beam Mr. Quixote back to the
Subaru.
DQ: (to drewid) Farewell, milady. If you should ever require my
services...
He disappears in the middle of his sentence.
drewid: Whew! I wasn't sure how much longer I could take that guy.
Capt. Muirden: Well, time to get back to work, everyone. (Moves toward
the door with Lt. Hoke still holding on for dear life. Suddenly, he
pauses.) Oh, my apologies. (steps back) (to drewid) After YOU,
milady.
drewid: As it should be, Captain.
Capt. Muirden: (grins)
drewid: (grins)
Everyone on the bridge: (grins)
Casanova, ship's computer: (grins)
The energizer bunny, still beating his drum, enters and grins.
Aboard the USS Subaru:
hj: (doesn't grin) Can we end this now, please?
The scene fades to black.
hj's voice: Thank you.
-----------------
Date: Fri, 12 Apr 91 11:16:45 edt
From: "someone now holds the key (Russell, Kerri)"
On the Next Episode of STAR TREK:THE CROUTON GENERATION
"Lack of Communication"
Mysteriously all communication is lost between the various ships of the
Croutonfleet. Is this caused by lack of intrest on the part of the Captains
and Sr. officers???? Are all the ships in trouble in their own sectors and
aren't able to communicate???? Has the Hidden Valley Ranch Empire somehow
blocked all communications???? Is everyone communicating amongst themselves
but ignoring the Subaru trying to enrage Captain half japanese to see if she
will whip her entire crew into submission????? Where does half japanese buy
her whips, anyway???? And how does the Big Dick fit into all of this????
Find out next time on Star Trek: The Crouton Generation.
-----------------
Date: Fri, 12 Apr 91 11:38:37 edt
From: "someone now holds the key (Russell, Kerri)"
On the Next Episode of Star Trek the Crouton Generation:
"UM Rain Forests"
The crew of the Subaru attend a lecture by a not-so-famous person who
researches the Rain Forests that used to be on the Earth. Unfortunately, the
person didn't know as much as hoped and people quietly listened waiting for
it to end. To pass the time Captain half japanese embarassedly found herself
counting th number of times the speaker said "um" Did half japanese fall
asleep???? Did she pay attention???? Where was ALF????
Find out next time on Star Trek The Crouton Generation
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