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The Crouton Generation Archives
STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION
SEASON THREE
Episodes #53-67
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Fri, 12 Apr 91 12:34:17 -0400
From: ender2@husc9.harvard.edu (Matt Ender)
On the Next Episode of Staaaaaaaaaaar Trek: The Crouton Generation
"Kunz Cubics"
Overnight, a strange transformation takes place aboard the ships of the
UFC. All objects within are approximated with small, interwoven cubics,
defined by the endpoints and their tangents. Will everything look slightly
unreal? Is this happening for a good reason, or is it merely the Hidden
Valley Ranch trying to take over the Croutons again? Will the Captains
fall apart trying to keep orde? Will the crew piece them together like
giant 3-d jigsaw puzzles?
Find out next time on Star Trek: The Crouton Generation.
----------------
Date: Fri, 12 Apr 91 13:43:14 -0400
From: ender2@husc9.harvard.edu (Matt Ender)
Subject: sttcg short and poetic
Introducing.... the first ever dactytlic dimeter episode!
(and hopefully the pentultimate)
"Verse Structure"
In the next episode
That we call Star Trek: The
Crouton GeNEration
We have for you:
Japanese humor and
S&M on Captain
half japanese's ship
The _Subaru_.
_Heisenberg_ hits iceberg,
Rupturing the main hull,
Splitting the living space
Straight through the bridge,
Captain Kabeta must
Make quick decisions to
Keep the crew from freezing
In space's 'fridge'.
_Salad_ - size _Croutonprize_
Toys with dumb Ranchers, who
Don't know the difference 'tween
Phasers and Squirts.
You want to know more? You've
Questions to answer?
Find out, next episode,
When the crew flirts.
-- Matt
----------------
Date: Fri, 12 Apr 91 13:44:52 -0400
From: ender2@husc9.harvard.edu (Matt Ender)
Subject: sttcg short, poetic
Introducting... the second ever poetic episode!
(And hopefully the last)
"The Trouble with Poems"
In the next exciting
Episode of Star Trek
Involving Croutons from
The UFC,
Man is on trial, we need
To show intelligent
Humanity... I mean
Croutonity. (of the poet's compassionate soul)
We need a poly time
Submathematical
Elliptic prime finder...
Be done by lunch.
We must prime factorize
Two to the two to the
Fifty-six minus one,
We're in a crunch.
Will the Croutonic folk
Be able to spew forth
Technical jargon to
Save their own necks?
Find out next week on
Star Trek of Croutons
Then I can stop writing
Poetic dreck.
-- Matt
Just to be cruel, I'll
Dare any who wish to
Write a long episode
All words in verse.
:):):):):):):):):):):)
----------------
Date: Sat, 13 Apr 91 16:48:00 -0600
From: reidj@tramp (Crossfire)
Subject: ST:TCG "The Dead Croutons Society"
Next time, on an All New Episode of Star Trek: The Crouton Generation--
"The Dead Croutons Society"
In response to recent short and poetic episodes of ST:TCG, I offer these
quotes from famous poets:
People are not going
To dream of bacos and Croutons.
Only, here and there, an old sailor,
Drunk and asleep in his boots,
Catches tigers
In red weather.
--Wallace Stevens, from
"The Disillusionmet of Ten Croutons"
And maybe one day we'll do something so magnificent,
everyone in the universe will get
Croutons.
--Jane Wagner, from
"The Search For Intelligent Croutons in the Universe"
Good bread makes good croutons.
--Robert Frost, from
"Making Croutons"
Here with a bag of croutons beneath the bough,
A flask of wine, a book of verse--and thou
Beside me singing in the wilderness--
And wilderness is Paradise enow.
--from "The Rubaiyat of Omar Crouton"
Edward FitzGerald, trans.
No matter how crunchy you become,
it's never enough to be a crouton.
--Jane Wagner, ibid.
This is the virtue of serenity. This is the mastery of life. This is
the mathching of Crou to Ton.
--Laotse, from
"The Crou Ton Ching"
So much depends
upon
The crunchy
crouton
glazed with viniagrette
dressing
beside the red
radishes
----------------
Date: Sun, 14 Apr 91 20:06:08 -0600
From: reidj@tramp (Crossfire)
Subject: ST:TCG "The Sturm-Gurglemumph Equation Strikes Back!"
Next time, on an All New episode of Star Trek: The Crouton Generation--
The Sturm-Gurglemumph Equation Strikes Back!"
Soraya, Captain Crouton, and Crossfire are all attending a symposium on
eXtra-Ordinary Differential Equations, when suddenly the instructor, Professor
Sather, starts to act irrationally. He suddenly starts to discuss the
benefits of having eigenfunction expansion postulates, and before anyone
can react he reaches across and pulls off his face (It's *rrrrriiiiipp* ME!)
to reveal--
THE KUNZ!!!!!!!
Yes, the evil Kunz is back to make life hell just in time for finals. He
snaps his fingers and with a questionable proof shows that Soraya, Crouton,
and Crossfire are all merely eigenfunctions of the same ODE problem. Then,
after trapping the trio in hilbert space, he vanishes. Can our heroes
escape this dastardly Kunz plan? Will Chris mind when he finds out that he's
just an eigenfunction? Will Jez the Wonder Kitty try to rederive Soraya so
he can get some Pounce? And just where did the Kunz go? Find out on the
next exciting episode of Star Trek: The PDE Generation!
----------------
Date: Sun, 14 Apr 91 20:07:27 -0600
From: reidj@tramp (Crossfire)
Subject: ST:TCG "To the n(n-1)th Degree"
Next time, on an All New episode of Star Trek: The Crouton Generation--
"To the n(n-1)th Degree"
After dealing with Crouton, Soraya, and Crossfire, the Kunz then arrives on
the Croutonprize and constructs a neural interface with Zen. After taking
over the computer, he assigns everyone to write a program which models
a single particle in a bound state in a potential well which is modeled by
a double bessel function. Will Zortyl Wankoid be able to actually write this
program? Can Jez the Wonder Kitty find out how to disconnect the Kunz from
Zen? Will Zen go batty trying to understand bound states? And just what
the hell *is* a bound state? And will Admiral Avenger ever get mentioned
in this episode, or is he off hobnobbing with TNG characters? Find out
on the next Exciting Episode of Star Trek: The Finals Generation!
----------------
Date: Sun, 14 Apr 91 21:52:50 -0600
From: reidj@tramp (Crossfire)
Subject: ST:TCG "Les Croutons Dangereuses"
Next time, on an All New episode of Star Trek: The Crouton Generation--
"Les Croutons Dangereuses" ("Dangerous Croutons")
Vengence and indolence strike the Croutonprize after an ouija-board party
corrupts the morals of the crew. Who will restore the Croutons to a proper
moral standing? Will Jez the Wonder Kitty be able to exorcise the spirit of
Garfield from his room? Will Zen change his name to HAL? And just who is
that lurking in the shadows? Find out on the next exciting episode of
Star Trek: The Crouton Generation!
----------------
Date: Wed, 17 Apr 91 11:41:34 -0400
From: bryant@husc9.harvard.edu (Katherine 'Kabeta' Bryant)
Subject: ST:TCG3 (SHORT)
Next time, on STAAAAAAAAAR TREK: THE CROUTON GENERATION:
"Thou Poor, Mismetred Poet"
Chaos erupts on the _Heisenberg_ as a strange virus causes the crew to begin
spouting poetry. Tempers flare as some crewmembers criticize other crewmembers'
poems a little too loudly. Will Kabeta be able to restore order, or is she
too stuck in the double-dactyl mode to make sense? Will Ensign Metag be able
to satisfy the need for new rhymes? Find out next time, as the Quarkz fight
to survive (and rhyme)!
----------------
Date: Fri, 19 Apr 91 11:25:52 edt
From: "someone now holds the key (Russell, Kerri)"
Subject: ST:TCG ***shortish***
On the NEXT exciting episode of Star Trek: The Crouton Generation
"Where Have All The Croutons Gone???"
The evil, malicious, rotten Hidden Valley Ranch Empire successfully got a hold
of a list giving them access to the addresses of all Croutonfleet personel.
The Empire then infultrated Crouton ranks and have begun kidnapping officers
one by one. Will any escape being kidnapped???? Will they stay awake long
enough??? Are they somehow being tested???? Where is the Hidden Valley Ranch
Empire housing all their prisoners??? Are **you** going to be the next to be
kidnapped???? And WHY all the question marks???? Find out next time on the
next exciting episode of Star Trek the Crouton Generation...
----------------
Date: Fri, 19 Apr 91 11:32:45 edt
From: "someone now holds the key (Russell, Kerri)"
Subject: ST:TCG short, I guess
On the NEXT stimulating Episode of Star Trek the Crouton Generation:
"Bored, Bored, Board"
The Captains of all the ships are holding a board meeting and discover that it
is boring each and everyone of them, as they aren't communicating at all. Why
are the Admirals making them hold board meetings??? Is this really just
another plot of the Hidden Valley Ranch Empire to make the Captains so bored
that they all retire??? If so, will they bore the replacements as well??? Or
will they just bore holes in their heads and give them labotimies??? Or will
they give them boars to make their ships smell even worse???? Why am I so
bored?????
Find out, if you are bored enough to watch the next episode.
----------------
Date: Fri, 19 Apr 91 13:16:12 edt
From: "someone now holds the key (Russell, Kerri)"
Subject: ST:TCG episode. short again.
On the next awesome episode of Star Trek: The Crouton Generation
"Galactic Tours"
Several groups of cadets are aloud to tour the _Subaru_ to get an idea of what
facilities are available on a James T. Kirk Class starship. Will Captain half
japanese become so annoyed with them that she makes them do push-ups??? Will
she kill the annoying tour guide leader who obviously does not know what he is
talking about and is telling the cadets many untruths??? How annoyed is the
rest of the crew??? Or is it just half japanese who is pulling all her hair
out???
Find out next time on Star Trek: The Crouton Generation. Or else.
----------------
Date: Fri, 19 Apr 91 14:43:41 edt
From: "someone now holds the key (Russell, Kerri)"
Subject: ST:TCG ***VERY LONG***
In Engineering aboard the _Subaru_
Yi: (intercom) Lt. Cmd. Midzor PLEASE report to engineering.
Midzor: (sleepily) be right there...
Dave Quixote: Methinks, we tred upon snow with no snowshoes.
Yi: Have you ever seen anything like this before, Dave?
DQ: Alas, no, child.
Yi: What's this "child" buisness? We're the same rank, buddy!
DQ: I intended no disrespect to thee! Willst thou accept my sincerest
apologies?
Yi: Well, I guess...
Midzor: (dressing while she aproaches the two ensigns) What's the problem,
boys?
Yi: Why do people keep talking to me like I am a frickin' toddler?????
Midzor: If you two woke me up to settle a minor quibble...
Yi: No, of course not. Sorry. Have a look at this...
Midzor: (looking, then saying, obviously disgusted) What is it?
DQ: I knowest not, pretty one.
Midzor: Dave, I told you *not* to wear your armor when working. If the Captain
sees you, she'll make you do callesthenics for sure.
DQ: It doth seem I should change...Yet, I feel so incomplete without my armor,
pretty one...Willst thou permitest me to wearest it???
Midzor: I can't do that! It's up to the Captain.
Yi: (annoyed) Well?
Midzor: Well what? oh...sorry. So what is it?
Yi: I don't know that's why I called you.
Midzor: Oh. Well. We'd better tell the Captain. (intercom) Captain, we
discovered something in Engineering. It appears to be alive...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Masterful Illusions"
Staring: The Crew of the Subaru
Special Guest Stars: ALF as himself (the president of Dickinson College, not
the thing from the TV show)
Dan Quale as Puppet
Anthony Ainley as the Master (but not the one on Doctor
Who. Typecasting, I'm afraid...)
Written by: half japanese (with apologies)
Directed by: Raksha
Music by: Ryodogumi, The Blue Hearts, and Checkers, oh and Kitaro
Fights started by: Thokk
Punch Line taken from: A Doctor Who Episode
Credits by: half japanese
Read by: you
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Captain half japanese [author's note: yes, I still like the sound of that, but
I don't plan on telling you quite as often. Although I might get Kerried
away...] and Thokk arrive in Engineering.
Captain half japanese: Where is it?
Midzor: Over there...
The lights aboard the ship all go out.
Entire Crew: MISSY!!!!!!!!!!
Midzor: Why does this always happen to me????
The lights go back on.
Heian: In the Dark/all alone/ Where is dinner?...(sighs) Power failure due to
Lt. Cdr. Midzor's forgeting to turn off an experiment. The situation
has been taken care of. Experiment destroyed.
Midzor: Destroyed???? It's taken me months to get that far!
hj: Heian will help you fix it. Let's have a look at...whatever it is.
Thokk: It might be dangerous...Let me look...
hj: **I** will look! (looks) AWWWW! It's so **cute**!!
Midzor: What is it?
hj: Don't you know anything about the Earth's history? This is the Animal that
raised the founders of Roma. The great all knowing...nandake?..uh...WOLF.
that's what it's called. They went extinct in the late 21st century. I've
always wanted one...(picks it up)
Thokk: CAREFUL, Captain.
hj: Oh relax. It's just a cub. (It starts licking the Captains face)
Yi: I thought dogs were a smaller form of wolves.
hj: They are.
Yi: But it doesn't look anything like Dave's dog, Captain. For one thing, it's
round and glowing.
hj: No it isn't. What are you talking about?
Midzor: and it doesn't have any legs...
DQ: or a mouth, my queen.
Thokk: But, it does have nice teeth...
[Author's note: those watching this episode see both the immage hj sees and
the immage the other's see]
Midzor: Are you ok, Captain?
hj: Of course I am!!! (turns back to the wolf) So how did you get here, little
cub? (smiles) I bet your hungry. Let's find you some nice red meat.
(wanders out of room, only paying attention to the wolf cub) What should I
name you? Skywise seems appropriate. [a.n.: FYI, name taken from
_Elfquest_ not stolen, cuz I cited it]
Yi: How can she be so engrossed in that glowing thing?
DQ: Methinks the Queen hath lost her marbles. Her majesty payest no attention
to my armor. Most unusual...
Midzor: What if that thing's dangerous? We've got to get it away from the
Captain...
Thokk: I could kill it!
Midzor: I don't think the Captain would be pleased with you if you did. She's
very attached to her cub already.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Back in the Captain's quarters:
Captain's personal log: I don't understand where this cub came from. She's so
cute and cuddly. Simply adorable curled up next to me. Why can't the other's
see it as being a wolf cub?
Cdr. Palmer: (intercom) Captain, we've got problems.
hj: On my way.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Captain half japanese holding Skywise walks on the bridge.
hj: What is it this week?
Palmer: Who else?
hj: (looks at screen) Ah. The Big Dick. Will we ever get any new enemies?
Palmer: Probably not, Captain. That's what makes all this so fun!
hj: (sighs, takes seat) Hailing frequencies open. ALF, what the Hell do you
want now?
ALF: To be the father of all your children.
hj: That's disgusting!
ALF: Well, then, I want to kill you. So long, you bitch. (screen goes blank)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Comercial Break:
(Preacher type person) I HAVE SEEN THE LIGHT AND IT WAS NEON! It shone in at
me through a window in Chicago, the Holy City. And it said:
EAT AT JOE'S
[a.n. how many of you remember that???]
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Back to the Bridge:
hj: Shields up. Go to Red Alert. Arm photon torpeedoes.
Palmer: Now what?
hj: We wait.
Tension Builds. Music swells.
Palmer: (trying to relieve tension) So, Captain, why are you carrying a
glowing thingy?
hj: What's wrong with you guys???!!! It's a WOLF CUB! It is not a round
glowing thing!
Thokk: Captain, the Big Dick is taking no action.
hj: Fine. We wait.
Palmer: Ah the tension! I love this job.
The Captain turns to look at Cdr. Palmer.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lt. Cdr. Midzor walks into Sick-bay.
Dr. Jen-L: We're on Red Alert, Missy, shouldn't you be...
Midzor: I know, doc. It's just...well, (sigh)
Jen-L: I think I understand. You are sick of people teasing you about the
problem you have with lights. I could talk to the Captain for you and
have her abuse anyone who teases you about that...
Midzor: No no. That's not the problem. It's the Captain.
Jen-L: What's the problem?
Midzor: Well, we found this thing in engineering. The Captain is convinced
it's a wolf cub, and is totally attached to it. What if this thing's
evil?
Jen-L: You'll need evidence to convince the Captain...Or find out what's
making her see it...
Midzor: I suppose you're right. If only my experiment hadn't been ruined...
Jen-L: What was it?
Midzor: Well it was supposed to use light to project images of what was really
there, and what was an illusion.
Jen-L: "supposed to"? What was the problem?
Midzor: (smiles) I had some problems with the lights...(they laugh)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Comercial Break:
Is it time to get away? Perhaps this planet would suit your needs:
(see some planet)
Come to Coitus! Let our people show you what a good time is all about! This
fun-filled planet is strongly recommended by such flirts as Captain Flirt
himself! Lust. Money. Greed. More lust. Beaches. Lust.
You don't want to be anywhere else!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On the bridge, people are playing Bridge to pass the time...Except for Captain
half japanese, who is cuddling her wolf cub, and watching the others.
Palmer: Are you sure you don't want to play, half japanese?
hj: Quite sure.
Lt. Kessner: (to Practor) He never calls the Capain by her first name...
En. Practor: (to Kessner) He also never has a second cup of coffee at home, and
he's on his fifth cup.
Kessner: (to Pr.) And why is the Captain so in love with that glowing thing?
Practor: (to K) I don't understand your human sense of humor.
Kessner: (to Pr) Huh?
Practor: Why do you keep discribing her pet as a round glowing thing?
hj: (Ears perk up) Ensign, do you see it as a wolf cub?
Practor: I don't know what a wolf cub looks like....It looks like a smaller
version of Dave Quixote's dog to me.
hj: And to you, Lt.?
Kessner: It's a round glowing thing with teeth.
hj: Does everyone on the bridge seem normal?
Kessner: Yes. Perfectly.
Practor: Well...
hj: Yes, Ensign?
Practor: Nothing...
hj: Ensign!
Practor: Well, Cdr. Palmer has been...well...he's actually ENJOYING his job.
He hasn't mentioned wanting to retire all day...
Kessner: Sure he has! Several times!
hj: What else is wrong?
Practor: I'm not sure...but something else just isn't right...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Comercial Break:
[a.n. from Monty Python's flying Circus]
(an undertaker walks up and looks at the camera)
"Are you nervy? Irritable? Tired of life? (winks) Give it up!"
Announcer: Yes, you too can find your own resting place right here at Restful
Heavens, the Planet to be your home, forever.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In Lt. Cdr. Midzor's quarters, Dr. (Lt.) Jen-L assissts with repairing the
experiment.
Midzor: Well, he didn't ruin it too much....There. That's how I had it last.
Now to figure out what was wrong...
Jen-L: This was *exactly* how you had it?
Midzor: Yep. (sigh) Now what?
Jen-L: How about flipping the light switch?
Midzor: (blushes) oh. um...
Jen-L: Isn't this it? (flips switch)
Midzor: It works! Now to take it to the bridge...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Meanwhile, back on the bridge...
hj: Time to stop playing bridge and return to your posts.
Palmer: (eagerly) What are we gonna do now, half japanese?! God, I love this
excitement! Best job in the universe!
hj: (ignoring him) Hailing frequencies open.
Thokk: Can't we just mutilate the Big Dick?
hj: No, if we did we wouldn't have any enemies. Hailing frequencies open.
(pause) Ok ALF. I've played the waiting game long enough.
Puppet: He's not listening to you.
hj: Why not?
Puppet: He's in the john. uh. I mean I am. Uh. I mean, he's got other...better
things to do.
hj: Why don't you just leave? You are no match for us.
Puppet: I don' wanna!
hj: Now, now, little one...
Puppet: Don't call me that! Just because I look young, people tease me. And
it's not my fault I was taken out of school just because my father was
in a position to get me out of going!
ALF: (enters room, adjusting his belt) What are you telling them?! I told you
to keep your mouth shut! You always say the stupidest things. Make me
look like a total idiot...
hj: You do that very well on your own...
ALF: End communication. (screen goes dead)
hj: Chuk'sho! [a.n.: Japanese for "dammit"]
Midzor and Jen-L enter bridge
Midzor: Where was that switch again?
Jen-L: Right here.
Midzor: I'm sorry, Captain, but I have to know what that thing is...
The machine is turned on to reveal: a wolf cub in the captain's arms instead
of a round glowing thing, someone other than Palmer where Palmer had been a
moment before, and Shuttlecraft _Baka_ where the Big Dick had just been.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Comercial Break:
Are you looking for a little excitement in your life? We've got what you want!
Prostitutes. Jigoloes. Easy men, women, and guess-whats to fulfill any of your
wildest wettest dreams. For only $99.99 we'll have one transmated to a
transmat station near you. But wait! There's more! A free set of whips,
chains, handcuffs, and a mystery toy (all autographed by none other than Thokk
the Dismemberer) will be included to heighten your pleasure!!
So call now! The spouse will never know.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On the Bridge yet again...
Midzor: The wolf is real! What's going on?
hj: (to the figure in Palmers place) Perhaps you'd like to answer that?
"Palmer": Perhaps I wouldn't.
hj: (to Thokk creaping up behind "Palmer") Thokk! Don't kill him...yet. (Thokk
stops) You can "hug" him if you wish.
Thokk smiles and grabs the dude from behind. The look of excrutiating pain on
the man's face shows that Thokk's "hug" is anything but friendly.
"Palmer": OW!
hj: Now, can you imagine what that would feel like if Thokk became even less
friendly? (dramatic Pause) Ok. Now tell us who you are.
"Palmer": (gasping) Let---me---go---first.---Can't---breathe---.
hj: Ok Thokk.
"Palmer": Much better. (Stands proudly) I am (dramatic pause) The Master.
(smiles evily)
Kessner: Master of what?
Master: (smiles) Everything.
Thokk: (pissed off) You are Master of receiving broken bones!
Midzor: Why are you here?
Master: To observe.
Practor: Where is the real Cdr. Palmer?
Master: The Captain lets others ask questions for her?
hj: I don't see why not.
Master: Makes you seem very weak. They could decide to take over your ship
someday. Don't you think you're a cruel captain?
hj: No. My crew knows their rank and the meaning of it.
Master: Do they? And you know they are happy and won't rebel?
hj: Of course not! We are one big happy family!
Master: Oh? I see. Than explain to me why members of your crew thought of
killing that wolf cub, which you obviously love very much.
hj: I...Who wanted too?
Thokk: I wanted to, Captain. I thought it was a glowing round thing that could
hurt you. I was trying to defend you. It's my job.
Master: And Missy went to the good Doctor to tell her you were going crazy.
Midzor: (stiffly) I was concerned that there might be something wrong with the
Captain. I was obviously wrong. My apologies, Captain. Wait..How did
you know my name?
Master: I am the Master. I know all.
hj: Aren't you just a tad smug?
Master: Not in the least, my dear.
hj: Where's Cdr. Palmer?
Master: You've been talking to him.
hj: The *real* Cdr. Palmer. Thokk, the man needs a hug.
Master: No! I'll speak! He's on the _Baka_.
hj: (intercom) half japanese to Cdr. Palmer.
Palmer: How are you going to insult me this time? I don't need this you know.
I don't need this job. I could be doing better things, you know.
hj: (smiles) There's our good Commander!
Kessner: I'm not exactly sure "good" is a correct adjective to use...
Palmer: so are you going to let me come home soon?
hj: Sorry Cdr., there has been a bit of a mix up here. fly on home.
Palmer: I can't! The _Baka_ isn't working.
Practor: Isn't that the shuttlecraft that *never* works properly?
hj: Missy, use some of your ingenuity to bring the _Baka_ back. (Midzor
leaves) As for you, "Master" What the hell do you want with us?
Master: I am just here to observe.
hj: Why all the illusions?
Master: To see how you react. To watch you under pressure. And most
importantly, to plan your death, Captain. I'm sorry. I *do* like you.
All of you. But business *is* business after all...and ALF is paying
me so well.
hj: I knew ALF had to be involved *somehow* he finds his way into almost every
episode.
Thokk grabs the Master, throwing him to the ground. The Master tries to leap
up, but Thokk is on him like a fly to sandpaper. The two wrestle for several
minutes as the rest of the crew just watches. The Master impales Thokk with a
weapon that no one noticed him draw. The Master stands while Thokk lies
motionless on the floor.
Master: (breathless, but smiling) Your turn.
the Master leaps at half japanese, but she jumps to the side striking his neck
as he rushes by. he turns and slashes half japanese, cutting her stomach. The
rest of the crew is watching intently, but they don't see this scene. To them
(even Ens. Practor) the Master and the Captain are dancing, smiling, and
occasionally kissing. [a.n.: ok so I've always had a thing for the Master. His
name is just so...sexy. And he wears BLACK. Yum Yummmm] half japanese responds
by simultaneously striking him in the neck with her fingertips and the groin
with her knee [a.n.: TaiJiQuan move--from "stretching heal kick right"--it is
possible, and painful.] The Master falls over, grabbing half japanese's leg
throwing her to the ground. At this point the more prudish members of the crew
stop watching, thinking that they are...I think you get the point. At this
point, Skywise leaps at the Master's throat, ripping a huge chunk from it. The
Master's illusion is broken and the crew is surprised by what they see.
Jen-L: (rushes to check the Master) He's still alive. [a.n. I think that
Jen-L's equivalent line to "He's dead, Jim" should be "He's still
alive." The possibilities are endless...] (checks Thokk) She's still
alive. (checks Captain) Your still alive.
hj: Thank you, Doc. I was wondering. See what you can do for them. (Picks up
Skywise, who begins to lick the Captain's face) What would I do without
you, beautiful one? (to crew) Ok guys. As soon as the Doctor releases me
from her care, how many of you want to get rip-roaring drunk with me? (the
entire crew looks less confused and much more happy)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Comercial Break:
Do you lack motivation? Do you simply hate to study? See no point? Well why
should you? It's your only life after all! Celebrate lack of motivation with a
Pacific Lady Cruise! Yes, you too can take a trip on the love boat! Oh come
on! You know the Universe is waiting for you to see it! What are you waiting
for? Those books will be there when you get back...and so will your new lover!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In the "Karaoke" (bar to you non-Japanese types) (well, sort of a bar. anyway)
Midzor: I am sorry if I offended you Captain.
hj: (holding Skywise, who is sleeping curled up in the Captain's arms and
wearing the official collar of a Starfleet pet) Not at all Missy. And we're
off duty, I do have a name you know.
Midzor: So do I.
hj: (smiles) I hear your only problem with your experiment was the lights...
Midzor: I am *never* gonna live that down, am I?
hj: Not with me as your captain!
Practor: Excuse me for barging in, but...
hj: what?
Practor: How come we were the only two to not see the illusions?
hj: I asked the Master before he completely came to. He said you didn't see it
because you are Romulan. He was only expecting to have human minds to deal
with. He didn't realize there was a difference in perception.
Practor: So why didn't you buy it?
hj: No clue...
Jen-L: The Master said it was a matter of intelect. Or lack of, actually.
hj: That's not what he said! (pause) Not entirely anyway. See, meditation puts
me more in touch with what's really there. I guess I just saw what seemed
"right"--I can't explain it.
Practor: Then why didn't you know it wasn't the Big Dick?
hj: hm. Maybe because I was expecting the producers to send ALFy baby my way.
I don't know. I guess I'll never know.
Practor: What's going to be done with the Master?
hj: We'll drop him off at the nearest starbase for his trial.
(a somewhat dazed Thokk enters the Karaoke)
Thokk: I don't know what happened.
hj: What are you talking about?
Thokk: I'm sorry to have failed you, Captain. The Master got away.
Master: (over loudspeaker) I'm gone, but I'll be back. Next time will be even
more deadly.
hj: Just what this ship needs. To be haunted by a "Deadly Assassin"
----------------
Date: Fri, 19 Apr 91 17:13:10 -0600
From: midzor@tramp (Eric Moore AKA Fizzix Dude)
It's been almost a year since I wrote one of these, but let's see if I still
have a hang of it:
Next on....STAR TREK: THE CROUTON GENERATION.........
KITTY-CORNERED
Disaster strikes when a mysterious disease makes the crew violently allergic
to Jez. Insufferable hives, stubbed-ub sinusez, and continuous sneezing
leave everyone but Jez unable to carry out their duties. Will Dr. Icefalcon
be able to find a cure in time, or will the Croutonprize become paralyzed
as Zen's circuits become mucked up with phlegmatic ejecta? Find out on the
next exciting episode of Star Trek: The Allergy Generation.
-- Fizzix Dude
----------------
Date: Sat, 20 Apr 91 15:28:08 -0600
From: zecca@tramp (Admiral Avenger)
Subject: ST:TCG (** SHORT **)
Next time, on all-new episode of
Star Trek: The Crouton Generation
"K.T. Invariance"
LMC Operations come to a standstill when the evil KT arrives, and promptly
uses parity, isospin, and charge conjugation to turn himself into his
anti-particle, the Mohapotra. He then proceeds to bombard everyone with
a long-winded lecture about isospin, except for Admiral Avenger, Lt. Cdr.
Ghiasi and Lt. Cdr. Midzor, to whom he assigns a 750 page research paper
due an hour later. Will Kabeta's dinosaur extinction theories be able
to help, or will the three's brains melt into Lime Jello at the expense
of a few helpless trees? Find out, on the next particularly exciting
episode of Star Trek: The Particularly Crouton Generation!
----------------
Date: Fri, 19 Apr 91 16:35 EDT
From: "Gilliam, Suzanne"
Subject: Next time on ST:TCG **SHORT**
The USS Melbourne gets into some rather sticky weather as Captain Muirden
falls ill and becomes temporarily Swedish! (o.k., so it's a plot stolen
from the Muppet Show) Will Cdr. Larkin be able to keep order? Will the
drewid actually have lines in two episodes in a row? Will Lt. Hoke remain
faithful to Captain Muirden, or will she go elsewhere looking for some
"vental action?" (sorry -- inside joke. it'll be explained in the
episode.) Tune in next week, when you'll hear the drewid say...
"Why is it that I only get lines when I write the episode?"
----------------
Date: Sat, 20 Apr 91 19:49 EDT
From: "Gilliam, Suzanne"
Subject: ST:TCG VENTAL ACTION
The scene aboard the _Melbourne_:
The crew is milling about on the bridge looking bored. Lt. Hoke is sulking
in a corner because Captain Muirden has been locked in his cabin all
morning with orders that he is not to be disturbed. Cdr. Larkin is gazing
out (quite literally) into space through the front screen. Lt. drewid
appears in the doorway...
drewid: Hey guys, what's up? (seeing Cdr. Larkin) Oops...um...I
mean...Good afternoon, everyone. Commander.
Cdr. Larkin: (sternly) Good afternoon, lieutenant.
drewid: Programming of the latest selections of melodic input
accomplished, sir.
Lt. Hoke: Huh?
drewid: (a bit condescendingly) I gave Casanova some new tunes.
Lt. Hoke: Oh. (she goes back to sulking)
drewid: (to Cdr. Larkin) What's with her?
Cdr. Larkin: Captain Muirden has been in his room with Dr. Feelgood all
morning, and we have all been given orders not to disturb them.
drewid: We have?
Cdr. Larkin gives her a dark look.
drewid: Oh, yeah. (heh heh) That order. (ahem.) Well, um, is anything
wrong?
Cdr. Larkin: I don't know. We'll have to wait and see...
***************************************************************************
ST:TCG -- "Vental Action" starring:
Captain Richard Muirden
Lt. Kerry Hoke
Lt. drewid
Cdr. Tim Larkin
Dr. Feelgood
Casanova, ship's computer
with special guest appearances by:
the crews of the USS Subaru and the USS Heisenberg
conceived and written by the drewid with some help from Jim Henson and
Monty Python
directed by the drewid
casting by the drewid
scenery by whoever designs those wonderful cheap sets from Doctor Who
music by the B52's
costumes by Migrating Coconuts 'R' Us
**************************************************************************
Later in the afternoon. Everyone is in the same positions we found them in
earlier, except that the drewid is now sitting in a corner (not the one Lt.
Hoke is in, obviously), complaining to anyone who will listen. Nobody is
listening, but that doesn't stop her.
drewid: bored, bored, bored, Bored, BORED! Why isn't there ever anything
to do around here?
Cdr. Larkin: (irritably) If you have nothing to do, maybe you haven't
enough work to do. I've often wondered if a music coordinator is
really vital to the functioning of a Starship. (glares at drewid
threateningly)
drewid: (too bored to care) You don't seem to be too taxed at the moment
either, Commander.
Luckily, the door slides open just before the argument comes to blows. Dr.
Feelgood stands in the doorway looking grim.
(All eyes turn toward the doorway dramatically.)
Dr. Feelgood: We've got a problem, folks.
drewid: What's wrong?
Dr. Feelgood: Captain Muirden is sick. He's come down with the
"Yumpinyiminy" virus.
Lt. Hoke: Oh my GOD! That's fatal, isn't it? OH, he's going to die, I
just know it! OH! OH! OH! (she runs about screaming wildly)
drewid: (smiling cruelly) hj's gonna wish she was here. (grabs Lt. Hoke
and shakes her violently.) Kerry, calm down before I have Dr.
Feelgood remove your tongue!
Lt. Hoke: (quietens down and looks at Lt. drewid uncertainly, literally
holding her tongue. she contents herself with whimpering quietly.)
drewid: That's better. Dr. Feelgood, tell us more about the
"Yumpin-whatsits" virus.
Dr. Feelgood: (scientifically) YumpinYIMINY. It's a very rare virus that
only seems to attack those in high positions of authority.
Cdr. Larkin: Well, YOU'll never get it then, drewid.
drewid: [rude retort in language unsuitable for a family show]
Dr. Feelgood: AHEM! (Larkin and the drewid turn their attention back to
the doctor.) This disease should last anywhere from 24 hours to
two weeks. The captain is in no pain, and (turning to Lt. Hoke,
who is still whimpering) it is NOT fatal. There's no cure. We'll
just have to let the disease run its course.
drewid: It's not contagious then?
Dr. Feelgood: No, it seems to be stress-related.
Lt. drewid is about to start complaining about her life again when a nasty
look from Cdr. Larkin stops her.
drewid: O.k., then, what CAN we do for him?
Dr. Feelgood: Just be patient, and remember that he can't help himself.
His speech and manner may be a little...odd for a few days.
Another rude retort from drewid is stifled by another nasty look from Cdr.
Larkin.
drewid: Where is he now?
Dr. Feelgood: In his cabin. He needs rest and quiet. (turning again to
Lt. Hoke) and NO physical exertion of ANY kind.
Lt. Hoke stops whimpering and goes back to sulking.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Later, in the infamous lounge from "The Present". Cdr. Larkin is sitting
reading some printouts when Captain Muirden strolls in.
Capt. Muirden: (heavy Swedish accent) Who are you?
Cdr. Larkin leaps up.
Larkin: Captain!
Capt. Muirden: (heavy Swedish accent) Who ARE you?
Larkin: (uncertainly) Some call me....Tim?
Capt. Muirden: (laughing happily) Ya, ya. Tim Tim Tim. Ya, ya, ya.
(slaps Cdr. Larkin on the back forcefully)
Larkin: OUF! (recovering) Um...How do you feel sir?
Capt. Muirden: AH, gud, gud, very gud. I feel zo gud dat I yump out of
bed and gum to zee my old buddy Tim. (slaps him on the back again)
Larkin: (wisely getting out of "slapping" range) Ah. G-g-glad to...to
hear it, sir. Anything I can do for you, sir?
Capt. Muirden: Ah, no, no, not vor me. You know zat a mooz once bit my
zister Ilsa?
Larkin: (trying very hard) Uh, no, sir. I didn't know you had a sister.
Capt. Muirden: Ah, ya, ya! Zhe vas trying to carve her initials on ze
mooz wiz a bointed doothbrush vhen it yust hauled off und bit her!
Larkin: Lamentable, sir. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to...uh...I
have to get uh...back to the...to the...Bridge! Yeah, that's it.
Excuse me, sir. (hurries off in the opposite direction to the
bridge. Muirden doesn't notice; he just stands gazing after Cdr.
Larkin babbling "Ya, ya, ya.")
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three days later. Dr. Feelgood's quarters. Lt. Hoke, Cdr. Larkin, and Lt.
drewid are present.
drewid: He's been like this for 3 DAYS! He's driving me crazy! (Does
her impression of the Captain ) Ya, ya, ya -- all the time!
Lt. Hoke: I can't stand it anymore! Can't we do something? It's so
cold at night I have to stand over the heating vent in my cabin
just to keep from freezing. (as the others look at her curiously,
she realizes her mistake, but nobly refuses to blush)
drewid: (smirking) Uh, Kerry, did you say the heating vent?
Lt. Hoke: (confused) Yes.
drewid: The heating vent that comes out of the floor in your cabin?
Lt. Hoke: (even more confused) Yes.
drewid: (trying very hard not to laugh) I hear that thing's pretty
powerful.
Lt. Hoke: Yes, it is. Why.......
(the others burst into hysterical laughter. Lt. Hoke still looks confused.)
drewid: (through tears of mirth) When Muirden's sick, Kerry goes
elsewhere! (ha ha ha) I hear standing over a heating vent is
quite a rush! (ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha)
Lt. Hoke finally realizes what the others are insinuating and blushes
scarlet.
Lt. Hoke: OH..........OH! (she storms out of the room)
drewid: (nearly falling out of her chair laughing) Going to get some
"vental action" Kerry?
The others fall into renewed hysterics.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A further two days later. On the Bridge.
Capt. Muirden: Well, I'm certaily glad I'm over that virus. It was
getting to be quite embarrassing.
drewid: Yeah, i'm sure it was. (looking at Lt. Hoke and smirking)
Lt. Hoke gives Lt. drewid an "eat [unmentionable] and die" look.
drewid (whispering to Lt. Hoke): Did you tell him you cheated while he
was sick?
Lt. Hoke (whispering): Shut up, drewid, or I'll have you re-transferred.
Casanova (ship's computer): Captain, we're receiving a transmission from
the USS Subaru!
Capt. Muirden: Send it through.
The screen comes on to reveal a rather frazzled Cdr. Palmer.
Palmer: Good morning, sir.
Capt. Muirden: Good morning, Palmer. What seems to be the problem?
Palmer: Well sir, it's a little hard to explain, actually...
Just then, Captain half japanese, who no longer likes the sound of that
because she is babbling incoherently, appears on the screen.
hj: Yumpin' Yiminy! Not so loud! You'll vake up ze moozes already!
Palmer looks at Captain Muirden helplessly.
Capt. Muirden: Looks like we've got a galazy-wide epidemic! I've only
just gotten over this virus!
Palmer: What can we do for her, sir? (looks fearfully at Captain hj who
is bouncing all over the bridge babbling "ya, ya, ya".)
Capt. Muirden: You'll just have to let the virus run its course, I'm
afraid.
Palmer: (long-suffering sigh)
Capt. Muirden: Don't worry, though, it only lasts a few days. Besides,
while she's ill you won't have to do any push-ups!
Palmer: (brightening immediately) Oh, right! (smiling) Thank you, sir!
Capt. Muirden: Any time.
The screen goes blank, and the crew of the USS Melbourne continue with
their daily routine, not knowing that this terrible epidemic is the work of
one man... an evil man with an inherent hatred of any and all things
Swedish. Unbeknownst(sp) to anyone, he is working his diabolical plot in
order to take over the universe! And, he has his sights fixed on the brave
Captain Kabeta of the USS Heisenberg!
Evil man: Be SWEDISH, rotten Captain Kabeta!
He reaches out his hand to push the button that will send Captain Kabeta
into incoherent Swedish, when suddenly, the writer of this epic gets bored
and decides to cancel the plot. Kabeta is not affected, and after a few
frantic days aboard the USS Subaru, Captain hj, who likes the sound of that
again, is back to making everyone in sight do push-ups for infractions such
as forgetting that her name has no capital letters. Everything aboard the
USS Melbourne goes back to normal, including Lt. Hoke finally giving up her
"vental action" in return for....well, you know.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
**DISCLAIMER**
The writer of this tale has no evil intentions whatsoever. She has no
particular beef with the Swedes (in fact, she doesn't even know if they
raise beef), so don't yell at her. Any relationship to persons living or
dead (or Swedish) or any language known to humans is purely coincidental.
In other words, I am not anti-Swedish and I borrowed the plot from an
episode of the Muppet Show (sort of). O.k.?
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