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The Crouton Generation Archives
STAR TREK: THE CROUTON GENERATION
SEASON THREE
Episodes #73-87
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Date: Tue, 23 Apr 91 15:13:39 -0600
From: midzor@tramp (Eric Moore AKA Fizzix Dude)
On an all-new episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation.......
THE TROUBLE WITH BRIMLEY
The future of the Federation is threatened when the crew of the Croutonprize
discovers that Wilford Brimley, the galaxy's incorrigible trouble-maker has
contaminated the crouton supply with oat bran. Soraya labors to modify the
tricorder circuitry to detect the foreign substance, but cannot round up the
crucial Cerial Circuit. Will she win the race against time? Will Fizzix Dude
ever get off his butt and do something? Find out on the next "Star Trek:
The Colon Baker Generation"!
Q-TIP
The evil Q is up to his old tricks when he infests the Croutonprize with lots
of little soft cotton creatures. They prove to have a tranquilizing effect
on the crew, but soon prove to be a menace. The crew abandon their posts,
leaving the Croutonprize in dangerous neglect as it careens for Romulan space.
Will Captain Crouton and Fizzix Dude be able to bring the crew to their senses,
will Jez ever be able to get any attention again? Or will the crew enjoy
their last moment of serenity as they are pounded to pieces? Find out on
the next "Star Trek: The Johnson & Johnson Generation"!
FERENGI DON'T WEAR PAISLEY
Captain Crouton decides to take a week's vacation after a harrowing month
of writing mission reports for the Federation's anal-retentives. No
sooner does he arrive at Plasma's Playhouse, when he becomes involved
in a plot to uncover the long sought-after Spaghetti Spoiler. Can he trust
a new-found friend to help him find the dangerous device before the Scott
steps in? And will that fashion-UNconscious asinine Ferengi quit pestering
them? Find out on the next "Star Trek: The Pasta Generation"!
-- Fizzix Dude
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Date: Wed, 24 Apr 91 02:39:33 -0600
From: zecca@tramp (Emulator of Borg)
Subject: ST:TCG (Short!!!!)
Next time, on an all-new episode of
Star Trek: The Crouton Generation
"A Little Light Reading"
In the beginning, the Croutonverse was created. This has confused many
and was widely regarded by the Goddenberry as a bad idea. After 25 years
or so, Goddenberry said "Let there be Croutons" and there were Croutons,
and the Croutons were crunchy.
Anyway, eventually the Goddenberry said "Let there be lights" and lo, there
were lights, and they blinked on and off randomly in nifty patterns, glowed
red during combat scenes and so on.
But then the Goddenberry created Missy, and he discovered that Missy was
able to turn out his lights. The Goddenberry went into a denial phase
over the loss of his omnipotent standing in the Universe and sulked in his
office and played golf in the afternoon and let the evil Richard Arnold
handle all of his paperwork. And so the evil RA harassed poor Peter David
to death...oh, wait that's another story.
As the Croutons fight to be well-lit...
-----------------
Date: Wed, 24 Apr 91 02:33:42 -0600
From: zecca@tramp (Emulator of Borg)
Subject: ST:TCG (Short!!!)
Next time, on an all-new episode of
Star Trek: The Crouton Generation
"Eviction Notice"
The evil Professor Love returns as a member of the Federation Housing
Authority with eviction notices for Jez and Shenando. It seems that
due to an ancient legal loophole, cats aren't allowed aboard starships!
Will Jez the Wonder Kitty get his Pounce? Will Soraya be lonely? Will
Missy leave Professor Love permanently in the dark? Or will Shenando find
the receipts from all of Prof. Love's fishing trips with John Sununu and
use them for blackmail?
As the Croutons fight to survive...
-----------------
Date: Wed, 24 Apr 91 02:30:09 -0600
From: zecca@tramp (Emulator of Borg)
Subject: ST:TCG (Short!!)
Next time, on an all-new episode of
Star Trek: The Crouton Generation
"There Are Superstitions..."
Guest starring
Mike Myers as Superstition Man
Music by Stevie Wonder
The Croutons discover a new super-being who calls himself "Superstition
Man." Tossing salt over his shoulder, he hops around from ship to ship
looking for mischief. Will Jez the Wonder Kitty cross his path? Will
he accidentally walk under a Jeffries tube ladder? Will he let the
elevator stop at Deck 13? Or will he discover drewid's secret: that
she spends her weekends fortune-telling with a Ouija board for Maury Povitch
and Mary Hart? (Or is this all a bunch of Bachelor of Science degree?)
As the Croutons fight to survive...
-----------------
Date: Wed, 24 Apr 91 12:47:35 EDT
From: Don Quixote
Subject: Next time, on Star Trek: The Crouton Generation!
On the next, all new episode of Staaaaar Trek: The Crouton Generation:
The Subaru crew has the chance to take shore leave planetside, but while
the first party croutonizes down, an insidious force takes over the
Subaru. The fate of the entire ship hangs on Commander Palmer and
Ensign Quixote as they struggle to return to the ship and overcome the
Subaru's captors.
It has action! Excitement! Intrigue! And it's less filling, too!
Will Palmer strangle Quixote before they return to the ship, or will
he go insane, too, and become Quixote's new squire? Will Quixote
actually make his dog the governor of an island?
Tune in and find out on the next exciting episode of
STAAAAAAR TREK: THE CROUTON GENERATION!
-----
Date: WED 24 APR 1991 16:05:49 EDT
From: Don Quixote
Subject: "Short Leave" (long episode)
Palmer: First officer's log, stardate: 102615. Following
the stressful missions of the past few weeks, Captain
half japanese, who likes the sound of that, has
generously decided to permit us some shore leave on
Sigma Rama Charlie III. Being the first officer, the
task of deciding on shore leave order has fallen on me.
I don't need this. I could retire and enjoy my middle
age back on Earth. Anyway, I've taken advantage of
this authority and I have assigned myself to the first
group. If nothing else, it will get me away from the
captain so I won't have to do so many push-ups.
half japanese: I heard that, Palmer. Give me thirty, right
now!
[Palmer groans and drops to the floor as he begins his third
set of thirty push-ups that week. Trouble is, it's only
Monday.]
hj: And while you're doing those, tell me who all is on the
first shore leave party.
Palmer: two . . . uh, myself . . . three . . . Missy . . .
four . . . Ensign Quixote . . . four . . . Lieutenant
. . . five . . . Midrash and . . . six . . . Ensign
Fink . . . seven . . .
[The lights go out.]
hj: (darkly) Missy, give me thirty push-ups on the double!
============================================================
"Short Leave"
By Dave Learn
Starring:
Captain half japanese
Commander Jim Palmer
Lt Commander Midzor
Lt Eric Kessner
Dr Jen-L
Thokk the Dismemberer
Ensign Dave Quixote
Ensign Jennifer Ellis
Ensign Practor
Ensign Yi
Heian, the ship's computer
and Chip Boring as the Beaver
Edited by: Kerri Russell
Casting by: Speagle Water Cruisers, Inc.
Music by: The Philadelphia Philharmonic Orchestra
Directed by: Steven Spielberg
Dave Quixote's Armor Courtesy Of: The Society for the
Perpetuation of Silly Credit Listings
============================================================
[In the croutonizer room, Dave Quixote, Cmdr Palmer, Lt.
Cmdr Midzor, Lieutenant Midrash, and Ensign Fink are all
waiting to croutonize to the surface of Sigma Rama Charlie
III. Lieutenant Kessner is at the transporter controls,
waiting for everyone to get situated.]
Kessner: Oh for crying out loud, Dave! Get Sancho to stop
squatting before he--
Quixote: My deepest apologies, milord. I fear that Sancho
has too long been confined to our room and has
forgotten his social graces.
(to his dog)
Sancho, you must never again thus soil the floors in
the castle. The queen will be most displeased with
you, and may desire that I dismiss you as my squire.
Palmer: Just beam it down with us, lieutenant. That should
solve the problem.
Kessner: Aye sir. (muttering) Blasted dogs. Oughtta be
outlawed on starships.
[The team croutonizes down to the surface, which looks
suspiciously like an actual location on the Earth, except
for the unicorns grazing nearby. A close camera shot,
however, shows that these unicorns appear to be ordinary
horses with horns glued onto their foreheads. So let's face
it: these Crouton Generation episodes just don't attract the
same funding as the Next Generation does. Pity. Richard
and Gene just can't seem to recognize quality.]
Palmer: (rubbing arms) Thank goodness we're finally here. I
don't think I could stand another session with that
woman and her blasted push-ups.
hj: (ic) I heard that, Palmer. Give me thirty push-ups on
the double!
[Palmer instinctively falls to the ground and begins doing
push-ups. By the time he reaches fifteen, however, he
realizes that hj has no idea whether he really does them or
not. So he stops.]
Missy: I love it planetside. It's so beautiful out here, so
bright and green. I could stay here forever sometimes.
Midrash: And best of all, you can't put the sun out.
Missy: Right.
[The landscape goes dark.]
Missy: On second thought, I seem to do a better job at this
than I thought.
Fink: That was an air cruiser.
Midrash: (to Palmer) I thought you said this planet was
uninhabited.
Quixote: Whoa, Rocinante. Whoa!
[Quixote has climbed upon a unicorn. And if this weren't
enough to startle the beast, he's also in full armor. The
creature is trying hard to throw him.]
Palmer: It *is*. (tweedlesquirg) Palmer to Subaru.
[Silence.]
Palmer: Subaru? Come in Subaru.
[Silence.]
Palmer: Must be broken. Missy, try yours.
Quixote: Whoa, whoa, aigh!
[Crash! Quixote falls off the unicorn into a briar patch.
A small rabbit ambles out, shaking his head.]
Missy: (tweedlesquirg) Captain, are you there? Captain?
Fink: I think communications are being jammed.
Palmer: That's a good observation, ensign. Keep this up and
you'll be in a captain's chair in no time.
Voice: I think not.
[As everyone turns to see where the voice came from, the
voice's owner fires a phaser that hits Ensign Fink. As Fink
is an expendable crew member, he turns bright red and
disappears.]
Palmer: Blast it. I told him not to wear a red shirt on
shore leave.
Missy: What do you want with us, Bloocheez?
Bloocheez: Nothing we can't take whenever we want. Boys?
[A number of Hidden Valley Ranchers from the C_Sick advance
on the shore leave party. Palmer gives one a quick punch to
the gut, causing him to drop his phaser, before he is set
upon by a number of Ranchers who overpower him and pummel
him into unconsciousness. Midrash grabs the phaser and
shoots at the Ranchers descending upon her and Missy, taking
a few out before one of them loses his temper and blasts her
out of existence.]
Bloocheez: No! You idiots! What a waste of a perfectly
good female. Don't hurt the other one . . . too much.
[Missy does a good job fighting off the Ranchers, but is
overcome by sheer numbers in the end and is quickly
subdued.]
Bloocheez: Excellent. Bloocheez to C_Sick. Has the
takeover of the Subaru succeeded?
Voice: (ic) It has indeed, Commander. Shall we beam you up?
Bloocheez: Yes beam me and my . . . guest directly to the
Subaru brig. I think she could keep her captain
company until we're ready to begin.
[Bloocheez and his men croutonize out, leaving a moaning
Palmer lying on the grass.]
Quixote: Are they gone?
Sancho: Woof! Woof!
Quixote: This Bloocheez is a most ignoble villain. As the
queen's champion, I will contend with him for the honor
of the kingdom. But first we must tend to the queen's
servant.
[Quixote stands up and walks over to Palmer and kicks him in
the back. Not too hard, mind you, but hard enough to get
his attention.]
Quixote; Arise, boy! The queen's well-being is in danger.
We cannot afford to rest now.
Palmer: (groaning) I don't need this. I ought to retire.
Quixote: I have said we cannot retire now. The queen
requires our aid immediately, boy. Now arise!
Palmer: (sitting up and wishing he hadn't) Listen, Dave.
Stop calling me "boy." I'm closer to being the king
than I am a servant boy.
Quixote: Are you married to the queen?
Palmer: No, I--
Quixote: Then you are not the king. You are not of a
suitable resemblance to be her son or brother.
Obviously you are not royalty at all. I say, then,
boy, arise, for the queen is in peril.
Palmer: All right, Dave, all right, I'm arising. Arising?
Sancho: Woof! Woof!
Palmer: Where did the Hidden Valley Ranchers come from?
Quixote: Their magical flying machine came from over yonder.
(points east with his arm)
Palmer: Then I guess that's all we've got to go on. Let's
head east.
Sancho: Woof! Woof! Grrrrrr.
Palmer: What's the matter with him?
Quixote: (stooping down) Alas, I had forgotten. Sancho
would like something to drink before we begin our
sojourn. As a knight errant, I, of course, can never
imbibe wine. The code of chivalry is unclear on this
matter for squires, however, so I permit him to drink
from my satchel.
Palmer: Your dog drinks wine?
Sancho: Woof! (hic) Woof!
Quixote: Let us begin! We shall accomplish great heroic
deeds today. Our gallant accomplishments will be the
stuff of legend.
[Quixote leaps on the back of a unicorn, crying "On,
Rocinante!" and frightens it so much it heads east at full
gallop, leaving Palmer and Sancho to chase after him.]
Palmer: This may be the only time I appreciate all those
push-ups.
-----------------------------------------------------------
[On board the Subaru, in the brig. Thokk, Kessner, and Yi
are locked in one cell. Across the corridor are imprisoned
hj, Missy, Jennifer Ellis, Practor, and Jen-L. No one looks
very happy.]
Thokk: This ridiculous. Whole crew in little cells. Not
fair. But at least food better now.
hj: Better? But they won't give us Japanese food! I asked
for sake and that Philistine laughed and gave me coffee
instead.
Thokk: Yes. Food much better.
Kessner: Any luck with Heian, Yi?
Yi: None. They seem to have shut the computer down, or
replaced Heian with their own program. I hope they
haven't done anything irreversible.
Jen-L: (indicating Missy) She's coming around.
hj: Missy? What happened down on the surface?
Missy: (groggily) Where am I?
hj: Oh swell, amnesia. That's a really overused plot
complication. I can't believe the writer is doing that
old routine.
Missy: No, no. Where am I? On the Subaru?
Practor: We are in the brig, Missy. But we are on the
Subaru.
hj: What happened on the planet?
Missy: Ranchers . . . ambushed us, killed Midrash and Fink.
Maybe Commander Palmer, too.
Jen-L: What about Dave?
Missy: I don't think so.
Kessner: Do you mean to tell me the only member of the
entire crew who may still be alive and free is the one
who thinks he's a knight of the Round Table?
Jen-L: No, he thinks he is a knight from La Mancha. The
Round Table is British, not Spanish.
Kessner: Well Lancelot was Spanish.
Jen-L: He was French.
Kessner: Whatever.
Guard #1: Commander Midzor, you're to come with us. Our
commander would like to see you now.
Jen-L: You have to be crazy. She can barely stand!
Guard #2: She doesn't have to stand the entire time. He's
very thoughtful that way.
[As Guard #1 lowers the defense screen for his companion to
retrieve Missy, the lights suddenly fail. There is a scream
as Guard #2 suddenly finds himself in the stomach and
doubled over in pain. They are both pulled down to the
floor. The darkness is filled with echoes of running feet.]
hj: Go Missy! (to Guards) You'll never catch her now--she
knows this place in the dark better than the designers.
Kessner: Small wonder. The lights are always out. She has to.
Guard #2: After her! Someone catch her!
Guard #1: (doubled over in pain) what a woman . . .
[The lights go back on. A guard down the corridor who has
come to investigate the noises sees the four women
overpowering the two guards. "Hold it!" he shouts and with
his phaser, convinces the four of them to return to their
cell.]
-----------------------------------------------------------
Palmer: (huff) Dave (huff) please (huff) stop. I (huff)
can't (huff) keep (huff) this (huff) pace (huff) up!
Quixote: Rocinante, halt.
[The terrified unicorn finally comes to a halt, nearly
throwing Quixote off.]
Quixote: What is this army that approaches us?
Palmer: (looking around, trying to catch his breath) Army?
What army?
Quixote: Yon army of Ranchers comes to attack us. Are they
so frightened of a true knight that they rely on
numbers? I shall meet them in battle!
Palmer: What the heck?
[He watches as Quixote rushes at a gallop toward a herd of
sheep-like creatures, docilely grazing in the field. As he
approaches, kicking up dust, they begin to start and rush
toward him.]
Palmer: Dave, that's not an army! THOSE ARE SHEEP!
[But his words fall on deaf ears. Quixote has drawn his
sword and descends upon the sheep. The poor unicorn is
completely unravelled by all this commotion and finally
succeeds in throwing the knight from her back, so he lands
on the grass. In what becomes a brutal onslaught, the sheep
overrun Quixote, stepping all over his armor and the
barber's basin he wears for a helmet which fortunately fell
across his face. Once the horrible din ends, he shakes
himself off and gets up.]
Quixote: I appear to have lost.
Palmer: (rolling his eyes) I really should retire. I really
should.
Quixote: Will you never learn, boy? We cannot rest until
the queen is safe. There is no telling what they will
do to her.
Palmer: Right. Especially with you serving as her protection.
Quixote: Enough. Let us proceed--(he looks around for his
steed. It is nowhere in sight)--on foot.
[Twenty minutes later, they pass over a hill. There is just
verdant grassland ahead of them. They take another three
steps, and suddenly an installation appears.]
Quixote: Behold! The castle of our enemies! Some dark
sorcery has concealed from us, but God grants sight to
those who persevere for the good of others.
Palmer: No wonder we didn't detect anything from space. It
was cloaked.
Quixote: (looking at him strangely) Aye. Is that not what I
said, boy?
Sancho: Grrrrr.
Palmer: (to himself) There are times I could follow some
people's advice and dropkick the both of them.
Quixote: Quick, boy! We must take cover before they see us.
Sancho senses one of them coming.
[The three of them duck behind a large boulder on the barren
hillside, scraped clean to make way for the Hidden Valley
Ranch installation.]
Palmer: (wondering) What do we do now?
Quixote: I have a plan, boy. We can overpower one of these
infidels. You adopt his clothing as your own, and we
shall pretend that you have captured me and my squire
(indicates Sancho, who is growling quietly). That is
unlikely in any event, but mayhap they will believe it
anyway. Once inside the fortress, we shall acquire one
of their chariots and return to our castle to free the queen.
Palmer: (trying to decipher what Quixote just said) Uh,
right. Sure. Sounds good, Dave.
Sancho: Grrr. Bow wow! Bow wow!
Quixote: Hark! One of the infidels approaches!
[A Rancher walks past on his way someplace. Quixote steps
into his path. The Rancher looks at him, confused by the
unlikely appearance of a Star Fleet ensign in full armor,
and is knocked out by a swift blow to the head from behind
as Palmer clubs him with a rock. As Quixote would later
explain, "My mere appearance filled him with such dread that
he fainted with terror." In the meantime, Palmer strips the
unconscious Rancher and leaves him tied up behind the rock.]
-----------------------------------------------------------
Missy: Come on, Heian, you have to be here someplace.
[The lone terminal in the otherwise barren, doorless room
shifts. A smiley face appears.]
Heian: Ugh. I feel like a Macintosh.
Missy: What? No poetry?
Heian: You try getting shut down and replaced by some brutal
computer program and seeing if you feel like waxing
poetic. (pause) Where am I? I've never been here before.
Missy: I'm not surprised. I had this room built especially
for an emergency. The only way to get in here is
through the access tunnel or a transporter.
Heian: What's happening on the ship, Missy? Somebody shut
me down a while ago, and booted up another persona into
the system. It's really disgusting. I feel like
someone's taken over my body.
Missy: (grimly) I can imagine. Heian, can you still control
anything on the ship?
Heian: Just external croutonizing. And communications, maybe.
Missy: You can't lower the shields in the detention area?
Heian: No chance. "Bruno" has those under firm control.
Missy: I need you to let me know the minute anyone from the
planet tries to contact the Subaru. Especially if it's
Commander Palmer or Ensign Quixote. Got that?
Heian: Got it.
Missy: Good. In the meantime, let's see what we can do
about getting rid of Bruno . . .
-----------------------------------------------------------
Palmer: (disguised) So sir, I found this Subaru crew member
west of the complex about three miles. He was probably
coming here to try to destroy the base or rescue the
Subaru.
Leader: Excellent work, deputy. I'll see to it that Bloocheez gives
you a turn with any of the Subaru women you want.
Palmer: (trying to act pleased) Thank you, sir. I'll take
him to the hold now.
[Palmer walks Quixote out the door, followed closely by
Sancho. He unties Quixote's hands and returns his sword.]
Quixote: Well done, boy. Were not Sancho already my squire,
I would offer it to you.
Palmer: Thanks. I think. (passing a room) I think this is
what we want. Communications.
Quixote: Indeed. Let us overcome these infidels now.
Palmer: Right.
[The two burst into the room dramatically, weapons drawn.
No one is present.]
Palmer: Well, at least we looked dramatic. Let's see now
. . . (he finds the communications console) USS
Subaru, come in.
Quixote: Boy, why are you using theirs, when you have one
which works just as well?
Palmer: (thoughtfully) I don't know. We were going to get a
chariot, I mean a shuttle, weren't we?
Quixote: Indeed we were.
Missy: (ic) Commander Palmer! Is that you?
Palmer: It sure is, and can I say that I want to retire once
this all over. I don't need this aggravation.
Quixote: Lady Missy, are you well?
Missy: (ic) Yes. (a long pause) Dave. It's . . . good to
hear you're still well. I was . . . concerned.
Quixote: We require transport to the castle. We are trapped
within the Rancher's fortress.
Missy: (ic) I think Heian can handle that. We'll beam you
right into this area.
[A squadron of HVR storm into the room, alerted by the
unauthorized communication, just in time to see the duo
croutonize out. They reappear in Missy's hidden room on
board the Subaru.]
Quixote: What miraculous powers you have, milady!
Palmer: Funny. If the Ranchers had done that, you would
have called it sorcery.
Missy: OK, so what are we going to do now?
Palmer: How did the Ranchers croutonize onto the Subaru?
Missy: Apparently when we lowered shields to beam down
people for shore leave.
Palmer: Any way we can beam (thumbs toward Quixote) over
there?
Missy: No, not unless . . . HVR shields cycle over, like
ours do. There's a brief window when we might be able
to send something over. Admiral O'Brien did that once
when he was on the USS Enterprise. But what would that
accomplish?
Palmer: Nothing, milady, except getting him out of our hair.
What have you been trying?
Missy: Trying to reboot the ship so that Heian can take over
again.
Palmer: Why not pull the plug?
Missy: What?
Palmer: Why not pull the plug?
Missy: That's crazy. (pause) But it just might work. If I
can get down to main engineering somehow, I could
complete a shutdown of all systems. Since they
probably haven't backed up Bruno yet, Heian can easily
take control over again from here and begin
transporting their crew off ship. It's so crazy it
might work.
Quixote: I shall accompany you, milady. For your
protection.
Missy: No, really, that's quite unnecessary.
Quixote: It's agreed then. I shall lead the way to guard
against unwanted Ranchers.
Missy: (pleading) Commander!
Palmer: Don't look to me, I'm not even his squire.
Missy: Oh, all right.
[They begin their trek through the winding access ways until
they reach main engineering. Quixote subtly kicks out the
blocking screen with a resounding crash and then drops ever
so quietly to the floor with a silent clang. Missy follows
him, not nearly as loudly, but it is too late. A number of
Ranchers have appeared already and have them cornered.]
Missy: You're dead, Dave. I'm going to get you for this.
Quixote: Have I erred?
Sancho: Grrrrrr!
[Sancho leaps at one of the Ranchers, throwing him to the
floor. As the lights fail, complete mayhem breaks out while
Quixote's sword flashes around.]
Missy: Hey! Careful! Watch it with that thing!
Quixote: My apologies, milady.
Rancher #1: Where's that engineer?
Rancher #2: Never mind her, where's that nut?
Sancho: GROWL!
Ranchers #1&2: Aigh! The dog!
[All power fails, shipwide. It comes back on in less than a
minute, and with it Heian comes back with a vengeance.]
Heian: Bye bye, Bruno. It's been real, but it hasn't been fun.
Quixote: (as the Ranchers are croutonized out en masse by
Heian) Ha! Flee, cowards! You dare not face a knight!
[Hours later, order is restored to the USS Subaru.]
hj: You have five minutes to leave this sector, Commander
Bloocheez. There are other Federation starships on the
way, and they will not be as patient as I have been.
Bloocheez: (ic) Ah, what might have been, Captain. If only
we weren't so busy trying to download all your files,
we could have had some unforgettable moments.
hj: I don't doubt it. That's why I'm going to give you
three minutes to leave.
Bloocheez: (ic) You said five!
hj: Make that one.
Bloocheez: (ic) We're leaving, we're leaving. Sheesh.
Palmer: Thank goodness that's over. I swear, I am definitely going
to retire. I don't need this constant aggravation.
hj: Number One?
Palmer: Yes, captain?
hj: You still owe me fifteen. Get to it.
FADE OUT
-----------------
Date: Wed, 24 Apr 91 17:04:22 -0600
From: reidj@tramp (Crossfire)
Subject: ST:TCG "Fun With LaSeX"
Next time, on an all new episode of Star Trek: The Crouton Generation--
"Fun with LaSeX"
In response to a recent attack by KT, many of the Croutons are trapped in
a LeGendre Polynomial and have to write a particularly long paper to get out.
Together they decide to use LaTeX, buuuuuut the evil Kunz has replaced the
innocent program with one of his own version...LaSeX. Will the croutons
learn how to tab? Can they find out how to position their text properly?
And just what does the new 'italics' command do? Jez the Wonder Kitty is
their only hope as the Crew Fights To Survive on the next exciting episode
of Star Trek: The Crouton Generation!!!
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Date: Wed, 24 Apr 91 19:32:50 -0600
From: zecca@tramp (Emulator of Borg)
Subject: ST:TCG (Short!!!!!)
Considering what I'm currently working on (and is due Monday)...
ALL-NEW FLASHBACK EPISODE
Star Trek: The Crouton Generation
"The Black and Decker(TM) Hole"
Guest starring
John Heins as Cdr. Heins
Anne-Marie Martin as Lt. Cdr. Townsend
Phil Morris as Lt. Cdr. McReynolds
Neil Patrick Harris as Lt. Howsam
Mike Atkinson
While exploring the Gundam rift, the _USS Pike_ is hit by a high-energy
starburst.
McReynolds: We've lost all warp capability, Captain.
Captain Avenger searches frantically for the answer.
Avenger (scratching his beard thoughtfully): It looks like a newly-born
cosmic jet...or Stephenson-Sanduleak 433.
Meanwhile, Lt. Atkinson continues to tell stupid Wesley jokes.
Atkinson: And so Wesley says, "What coconut?" Ha ha ha ha ha!
Townsend (slapping him across the face): Shut up, Mike.
Howsam (from con): Oooo, kinky.
[Townsend gives him a dirty look.]
Time is running short, as Captain Avenger races against gravity to save
the _Pike_.
Avenger: Of course! MC Begelman!
Heins: A rap star?
[Avenger runs for the turbolift.]
Avenger: No. He was a cosmic jet specialist.
ALL-NEW FLASHBACK EPISODE
Cosmic death-trap on an all-new episode of Star Trek: The Crouton Generation!
-----------------
Date: Wed, 24 Apr 91 22:14:20 edt
From: "someone now holds the key (Russell, Kerri)"
Subject: ST:TCG *SHORT*
"Practicing Procrastination"
Captain half japanese, in an attempt to not have to work on Paperwork for
Admiral Avenger, decides to take a tour of the _Subaru_. After walking around
the ship and having found nothing of interest, the Captain decides to try to
write letters to old flames. Finding herself not able to do this, because of
not being able to remember too many names, half japanese decides it time to
figure out how many structures she can create with an old set of Tinker-Toys.
Will half japanese figure out new and complex structures??? Will any crew
members join in??? Will Skywise ruin them all??? And most importantly who will
buy her some Tinker-Toys??? The questions and more will be answered on the
Next boring episode (if it ever gets written) of
STAR TREK: THE CROUTON GENERATION!!!!
-----------------
Date: Thu, 25 Apr 91 01:41:52 -0600
From: savoie@spot (Savvie )
Subject: boreyons.
OMIGOD! I can't believe it...
Next time on the all new episode of
Star Trek: The Cruton Generation
"*Boredom with Baryawns*"
In this episode will the everlasting mystery ever be solved????
That is why does every short episode begin with "next time on..."????
Also that ever persistant question will the K.T. break the will of
the crutons???
In this episode the Evil K.T. has tried a new method of torture.
After the Isospin transformation into a mohaptrapa, K.T. returns to
torment yet another generation of crunchy crutons. Just as the
crutons believe they can excape the legendre polynomial, K.T. strikes
back. Thats right Boreons, Yes an entire lifetime supply of
Baryawns, will the crutons be able to keep their eyes open for
one more day???? Or will they crack and go soggy.
Don't bother to stay tuned because there won't be a next time for
some unlucky crutons or....
Bye Y'all
Savvie...Just a name...not an attitude.
-----------------
Date: Thu, 25 Apr 91 03:07:04 -0600
From: zecca@tramp (Emulator of Borg)
Subject: ST:TCG (Pretty short)
STAR TREK: THE CROUTON GENERATION
"The Search Continues..."
Guest starring
Claudia Schiffer as Claudia
Bob Keeshan as Cap'n Crunch
ALL-NEW EPISODE
Commander Highlander's quest for the Ultimate Blonde continues...
Highlander (thought only): Walk. Curves. Blonde. Perfect.
Highlander (spoken): Heeellllooo there.
Claudia (smiling, flirty): Well, hello...
She's the woman of his dreams...
[Claudia and Highlander strolling through a Scots meadow, hand in hand.]
And she wants to take him home to meet daddy...
[In a restaurant, hands entwined, she looks him in the eye.]
Highlander: Um...okay.
But daddy isn't quite so eager...
[Captain Crunch, slouched in his recliner at home, a dozen empty beer
bottles on the table and a half-full one in his hand. He's watching
a pro golf tournament.]
Crunch: EERRRRRRPPPP!!
And Highlander has met his match in his former commander...
Crunch (drunk, swaggering): When I was at my prime, I coulda whopped you
good, boy. EEERRRRPPP. You were always such a hotheaded twerp.
Highlander: Captain, I saved your butt on more than one occasion. The
least you can do is cut me some slack now.
Crunch (pulls out Highlander's katana): I'll cut more than that if you
ever go near my daughter again!
Will Commander Highlander live happily ever after? Was it meant to be?
ALL-NEW EPISODE
Drunken "in-laws" on an all-new episode of STAR TREK: THE CROUTON GENERATION!
-----------------
Date: Thu, 25 Apr 91 11:39:59 -0600
From: reidj@tramp (Crossfire)
Subject: ST:TCG "The Outlaw ChrisP Crouton"
Next time, on an All-New Episode of Star Trek: The Crouton Generation--
"The Outlaw CrisP Crouton"
Captain Crouton decides to relax with a holodeck recreation of the Old
West. Buuuuuut a plan by the evil HVR Commander Bloochese traps Crouton
in a nightmarish world of real danger! Will Crouton be buried on Boot
Hill? Will Jez the Wrangler Kitty prove to be a skillful enough horserider?
Will Crouton have to fight Bloochese? It's showdown at High Noon as the
Captain struggles to survive on the next exciting episode of Star Trek:
The CrisP Generation!
-----------------
Date: Thu, 25 Apr 91 18:26 EDT
From: "Gilliam, Suzanne"
Subject: Next time, on ST:TCG **SHORT**
Next time, on STAAAAAAAR TREK: THE CROUTON GENERATION
"The Day the Lights Didn't Go Out Anywhere in the Universe"
Next, on ST:TCG, catastrophe strikes the USS Melbourne! See: The
long-suffering drewid get smushed into a little squishy mass of
spludge by the wrathful spirit of history! See: Lt. Hoke try to come to her
aid by attempting to alter time! See: Captain Muirden issue orders that
NO ONE, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES IS TO ANTAGONIZE HISTORY EVERY AGAIN in
order to ensure that the tragedy of the drewid will not reoccur! See:
Missy (our special guest star) maintain the lighting all over the universe,
in defiance of the laws of nature and of history! See: the drewid regain
her (somewhat) human form and triumph over history at last! (ha ha!)
Coming soon, to a terminal near you!
-----------------
Date: Thu, 25 Apr 91 21:12:09 -0600
From: zecca@tramp (Emulator of Borg)
Subject: ST:TCG (short)
STAR TREK: THE CROUTON GENERATION
"Enquiring Minds Want Vengeance"
Guest starring
Ronald Reagan as Prostator
Kitty Kelley
ALL-NEW EPISODE!
The Borg are back.
[Borg ship appears on the _Subaru_ viewscreen.]
hj: S***. (pause) Palmer, give me 50 push-ups.
Palmer (whining): What did I do this time?
They have a new speaker.
Prostator: I am...um..I am...um...
hj: Get on with it!!!
Prostator: Now where did those cue cards go. Oh yeah. I am Prostator
of Borg. Resistance is...um...well...
hj: We get the picture!!!!!
But he can't remember what the Borg are here to do.
Prostator: Um...well...well... (pause) ...Mommy, are you there?
And a new threat to the Borg could be a bigger threat to the Federation.
Kelley: Nancy is a Sinatra whore!! (pause) Hmm, I think I'll write a tell-all
book about Captain Crouton next.
ALL-NEW EPISODE
Another BORG-ing time-filler on Star Trek: The Crouton Generation!!
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