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The Crouton Generation Archives
STAR TREK: THE CROUTON GENERATION
SEASON THREE
Episodes #64-70
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Date: Sun, 28 Apr 91 18:34:35 -0600
From: midzor@tramp (Eric Moore AKA Fizzix Dude)
Subject: TEASER
Announcer: On an all-new episode of "Star Trek: The Crouton Generation,"
a routine missions leads to the discovery of an alien technology....
[Bridge]
Gretzky: It's technology and configuration are unknown.
Announcer: But disaster soon strikes....
[Shuttle interior]
[Wizzar falls down after a flash of light]
Announcer: And Zortyl loses his mental powers....
Heidrich: ...the synaptic junctions in your brain have been depressed. All
neurotransmitters are down 80%.
Announcer: And Ghiasi and Wizzar are faced with a risky assignment...
[Conference room]
Ghiasi: We could recall Zortyl's code...
Announcer: Will they succeed, or will Zortyl be lost forever...
[Croutonizer room]
Ghiasi: ...we're going to lose him....
Announcer: Find out on the next "Star Trek: The Crouton Generation"!
-----
Date: Sun, 28 Apr 91 18:39:24 -0600
From: midzor@tramp (Eric Moore AKA Fizzix Dude)
Subject: ***** MY FIRST LONG EPISODE *****
Scene opens to an posterior shot of the _Croutonprize_.
Crouton's voice: Stardate 8965.1. We are enroute to the Alcor system.
A Federation navigational beacon there has been failing sporadically and
our mission is the inspect the complex in and try to get the facility
fully operational again. If we fail, dozens of Federation starships on
the outer frontier could become lost....
Scene opens to the bridge. Capt. Crouton is sipping on a root beer while
pensively studying the passing stars in the viewscreen. Lts. Chuang
and Himle are at the helms controls; hours-old spitwads stick to their
hair, belying their otherwise serious attitudes. Lt. Cdr. Gretzky
checks over his instruments while Zortyl is hammering away at a con-
sole in the back.
Gretzky: Captain, we are now in sensor range of Alcor 1.
Crouton [swallows]: Good. On screen.
The image on the viewscreen changes to a beige-green planet. In the
foreground orbiting the planet is a shiny, cylindrical device with
numerous attenna booms protruding from its middle. A small, brown
square is hovering close to the beacon.
Crouton: Analysis, Gretzky.
Gretzky [studies his instruments for a moment]: Sensors show a partial
failure in six of the ten onboard computers. Total failure estimated
to occur in 26 hours.
Crouton [squinting at the viewscreen]: Fine. But what is that small
object?
Gretzky: It's technology and configuration are unknown. However,
preliminary analysis suggests it is a probe of some kind. Mag-
nification 100x....
The unidentified object suddenly fills the entire screen. Its struc-
ture is now apparent. It has a plaited appearance: the brown material
forms a pair of square grids. The grids are attached along their peri-
meters and slightly bulge from one another to form a hollow cavity.
Gretzky: ...it is producing an indecipherable signal in the X-ray band.
It has no internal structure.
Crouton: Hmmmm....For some reason it looks familiar....input all
available data to the computer. Compare with all objects of tech-
nological and cultural significance.
Gretzky: Aye, Captain.
A few seconds pass as the computer blurps and bleeps.
Zen: Analysis complete. Object resembles low-tech invention common
on earth during the twentieth century....it's a Wheat Chex.
A look of consternation creeps across Crouton's face.
Crouton: A Wheat Chex? What in bloody hell?
STAR TREK: THE CROUTON GENERATION
"Mouthing Off"
Starring: Captain Chris Crouton
Commander Highlander
Lt. Cdr. Soraya Ghiasi
Lt. Cdr. Zortylwankoid
Lt. Cdr. Wayne Gretzky
Lt. Wizzar
Lt. Matt Himle
Lt. Neal Chuang
Lt. Kurt Heidrich
Fizzix Dude
Written by Eric "Fizzix Dude" Moore
"Yakety-yak" performed by the Hassels
Scene opens to the conference room. Crouton, Highlander, Ghiasi, Zortyl,
Gretzky, Wizzar, and Heidrich, and Fizzix Dude are seated around the table.
Crouton: Cdr. Ghiasi, what is the current state of all ten computers
aboard the beacon?
Ghiasi: A thorough analysis has verified that six of the computers
are experiencing an electromagnetic interference. As the EM field
fluctuates, so does computer operation. If the problem continues,
the more sensitive components could burn out in less that 24 hours.
The other computers are still functional, but I can't guarantee
they won't go as well.
Crouton: What are your recommendations?
Ghiasi: At this point we need more information. We need someone to
get a close-up look. We would need to do a full Trevor-Hoff analy-
sis, and that can only be done from a shuttlecraft.
Crouton: Lt. Wizzar, how much time would you need to make preparations?
Wizzar: We would need not more than two hours to program the shuttle
computer to perform the scan. It would also be wise to have Zortyl
there. He could interpret the output more readily than I could.
Zortyl nods agreeingly.
Crouton: Very well. Begin preparations immediately. Any further com-
ments?
No one responds.
Crouton: Okay then, meeting is adjourned.
Scene changes to a view inside the shuttle bay. The Maalox is just
taking off.
Change to shuttle interior.
Wizzar: All instrument read-outs look good. How are things back there?
Zortyl: Everythinglooksgood.Shuttlecomputershowsnosignsofmalfunctiondue-
toelectromagneticinterference.
Wizzar pauses a moment as he gives his brain time to make sense of the 240
kBaud message from Zortyl's lips.
Wizzar: Thank you. [Under his breath] Just for once I wish he'd learn
to talk normally!
After a few seconds the interior is flooded by sudden flash of light.
Wizzar falls to the floor, stunned by the flash.
Wizzar: Wha...wha..what was that? [Returns to his chair and punches
some keys.] Some sort of optical phenomenon...couldn't have been
normal light...or we'd be blind. Zortyl? Zortyl?
Wizzar turns around to see Zortyl crumpled on the floor. He rushes
over and gently shakes the unconscious programmer.
Wizzar: Zortyl? Zortyl?
Zortyl slowly opens his eyes. His speechless lips begin fumbling for
words.
Wizzar: Are you all right?
Zortyl: Whatthehellwha...wha...what...was...that?
Wizzar: Is anything wrong?
Zortyl: I...I...I don't think so. I feel a little funny, but other-
wise I feel fine.
Wizzar [stunned]: I...don't believe it!
Zortyl [still dazed]: What?
Wizzar: I wouldn't believe if I didn't hear it with my own ears, but
I can understand you. I mean, REALLY understand you.
Zortyl: You're right! What happened to me?
Wizzar: I don't know, but we'd better get you to sickbay right away!
Change scene to sickbay. Zortyl reclines on a table while Heidrich
performs a medical scan.
Heidrich: Evidently the synaptic junctions in your brain have been
depressed. All neurotransmitters are down 80%. Your otherwise
Yoyoboqian brain is almost functioning at the human level.
Zortyl: No...no...no. It can't be! how can I possible function. At
this rate, Zen's assembly code will be as unintelligible to me as
to everyone else aboard this ship.
Heidrich: I'm terrible sorry. This has got me baffled and I don't
know what can be done.
Wizzar: Damn! This is just great. We have six exabyte-computers
with several thousand gigs of code to analyze and there's no way
we can complete our task without a Yoyoboqian brain.
Wizzar stomps out of sickbay while Heidrich and Zortyl exchange de-
sperate looks.
Scene changes to the conference room.
Crouton: Is there any way in which Zortyl can be returned to normal?
Highlander swears under his breath.
Ghiasi: Well,...the technology is untried, but theoretically we could
restore Zortyl's brain with the help of the croutonizer.
Highlander: How do you propose to do that?
Ghiasi: As you know, the croutonizer keeps a record of the molecular
makeup of anyone who passes through. If we could recall Zor-
tyl's code, we just MIGHT be able to use that to restructure his
neural pathways.
Crouton: Hmmm...but there are risks?
Ghiasi: Exactly. If we don't recall the correct sequence of code, we
could scramble him irreparably.
Highlander and Fizzix Dude quietly snicker at this remark.
Crouton [glaring]: You have something to say, Fizzix Dude?
Fizzix: Oh, certainly not, mon capitain. [Chuckles]
Zortyl: My whole career is going right down the toilet and all you
can do is laugh. You got the power. Why don't you do something?
Fizzix: Moi? You want me to degrade myself by showing some act of
mercy for your benefit. They'd kick me out of the Kunz contin-
uum for sure!
Crouton: Well, since Fizzix Dude won't help, we'll have to take
the only other option available to us. Ghiasi and Wizzar, get to
work on that transporter code. And see if Zortyl can't help you.
Captain's voice: Stardate 8970.4 Ghiasi and Wizzar are working at
recovering Zortyl's Croutonizer code. The work is tedious since
Zortyl's brain has been slowed down. He's doing his best, but we
fear it may not be enough.
Scene changes to the croutonizer room. Wires are spilled out all
over the place, connecting several peripheral devices to the crou-
tonizer banks. Ghiasi, Wizzar, and Zortyl work feverishly. Capt.
Crouton enters.
Crouton: How is the work progressing?
Ghiasi: Well...we've found the latest code for Zortyl, but since
we're dealing with a 100-exabyte monster, it will be a while
before we pin down the needed sequence. We should be able to
finish before the ten hours are up, but it will be close.
Crouton: How are you doing, Zortyl?
Zortyl: Mmmm...well, I'm trying to work out the necessary algorithm
that will glean the necessary code, but the progress is agonizingly
slow. Normally this sort of thing would take me only 47 min--
There's a momentary flash as Fizzix Dude appears.
Fizzix [condescendingly]: Ah! tsk-tsk. All work and no play makes
Wankoid a dull boy!
Crouton: What do you want?
Fizzix [picking up a circuti board]: Oh, I just though I'd check to
see how you are doing with this...ILL-conceived project. [sets
the board down disdainfully]
Zortyl: Just fine,...no thanks to you!
Fizzix: My, my, a little touchy are we. I guess your brain really
is affected.
Crouton: Listen! Since you are not willing to help, I'd appreciate
it if you'd leave my crew alone to do their work.
Fizzix: Well, I've given it some thought, and I just might be able
to help you out.
Zortyl: NO THANK YOU! We can do just fine without you!
Fizzix: Selfish ingrates!
Wizzar: Listen, Fizzix Dude, either help out, shut up, or get your
butt out of here!
Fizzix: Sheesh!
Fizzix Dude disappears. Capt. Crouton leaves.
Captain's Voice: Captain's log, stardate 8972.6. Ghiasi, Wizzar and
Zortyl have finished their work and are ready to attempt to re-
constitute Zortyl's brain. We have only 43 minutes to get the com-
puters working again, enought time for Zortyl, if this works....
Change scene to croutonizer room. Ghiasi and Wizzar finish some last-
minute work as an exhausted Zortyl watches. Crouton and Highlander
enter.
Crouton: Is everything all set?
Wizzar: Just...one...more...adjustment....There! All ready to go.
Ghiasi: Remember, this has never been tried before.
Crouton: Understood. Are you ready Zortyl?
Zortyl. Yes, sir.
Highlander: Well, then move it!
Zortyl steps onto the croutonizer platform. Wizzar gets behind the
console while Ghiasi watches the indicators.
Ghiasi: Now, when I say "Now," you cross-circuit to B.
Wizzar: Affirmative.
Wizzar begins the dematerialization. Zortyl slowly begins to fade,
but more slowly than is normal for the croutonizer.
Ghiasi: Okay,....Now!
Wizzar flips some switches. Zortyl's form shudders, then blinks out
for a moment and reappears.
Ghiasi: Shit! Something's not right. The code is out of sync with
the computer. I think we're going to lose him....
Wizzar frantically pushes switches. Everyone's faces look worried.
Then suddenly, Zortyl blinks out. Wizzar and Ghiasi sweat and swear
as their fingers fly around the control panel. After several seconds
they stop to look at the captain. Both shake their heads to say "No
good." Highlander swears and Crouton bows his head. Dead silence.
Wizzar [slowly]: What happened?
Ghiasi [swallows]: I'm not sure, but it seems that we core-dumped
during the reconstitution process. The pointers reset and snuffed
out Zortyl.
Highlander: Shit!
Everyone is startled when the Croutonizer begins whining again.
Crouton: What's happening?
Wizzar: Don't know. It's like we got some kind of backwash in the
Croutonizer circuitry. Perhaps--
Ghiasi [looking up from the panel]: Look!
To their amazement, Zortyl slowly rematerializes.
Ghiasi: What the hell happend?!
Wizzar: Damned if I know!
Highlander: Zortyl! Are you okay?
Zortyl [dazed]: I...I...think...so...I...mymindisworkingagain!Ohmygosh,
itworked!Outofmyway,Ihaveworktodo!
Zortyl hurriedly pushes Crouton aside as he rushes for the turbolift.
Change scene to bridge.
Zortyl is frantically pounding away at the keyboard as Wizzar looks on.
Wizzar: You only have one more minute, Zortyl.
Zortyl nods.
Crouton: Gretzky, any sign of the Wheat Chex?
Gretzky: Negative, captain. It has disappeared.
Crouton: Let's just hope it doesn't return!
Wizzar: You have 10 seconds, Zortyl...nine...eight...seven...six...five..
four...three...two...one...
Zortyl pounds out a hundred more keys and hits the enter key as Wizzar
reaches zero.
Zortyl: Done!Allcomputersarebackonline.
Everyone aboard the bridge looks to one another with relief.
Crouton: Good work, Zortyl! You've saved countless lives.
Fizzix Dude suddenly appears.
Fizzix: Well, well, up and running again?
Crouton: Yes.
Fizzix: You're only lucky you didn't lose Wankoid in the Croutonizer.
Crouton: Yes...it was rather close. Something unexplained happened.
I don't supppose you had something to do with it?
Fizzix: Moi? Help you miserable humans? I wouldn't dream of it!
Crouton: As you say. [turns and smiles to himself]
Zortyl: I'mjustgladI'mmyselfagain.Ifyouhadn'trestoredmetomyoldself,it-
wouldhavetakenyouliterallyyearstogetthecompu--
Highlander: Shut up, Zortyl!
Crouton: Thank you, number one.
Highlander: My pleasure, Sir.
Fizzix: I'll leave you children to your petty arguments. Ta-ta!
Fizzix Dude disappears.
Crouton: Take us out of here, Mr. Himle, warp factor three.
Himle: Aye, captain.
End with an exterior shot as the _Croutonprize_ leaves orbit and ac-
celerates off into space.
-----------------
Date: Sun, 28 Apr 91 19:27 EDT
From: "Gilliam, Suzanne"
Subject: ST:TCG SWING LOW...
Subject: ST:TCG "Swing low..."
Scene 1 The drewid's quarters aboard the USS Melbourne
The drewid sits at her desk sifting through about a month's worth of mail.
Mostly junk. Having read at least a dozen requests for money to save the
little green squidgy things on Mars and the endangered red
brylkoswinkphanathalosaurakis of the third moon from the left of that dull
grey planet close to the border between the third and fourth galaxies, she
picks up all of the letters, opened and unopened, and tosses them all down
the recycling chute. Sighing heavily, she hauls herself over to the couch
and lies down, rubbing her eyes wearily. She feels herself drifting into a
semi-catatonic state which cannot truly be called sleep, when a loud voice
over the intercom startles her back to reality.
Voice [ic] : Lt. drewid, please report to the bridge. The Captain would
like to speak to you.
drewid: (muttering) Tell him to go suck an egg.
Voice [ic] : The Captain says he doesn't like eggs, and would you please
report to the bridge NOW.
drewid: (incredulously, hitting the intercom button) Hey, you're not
supposed to be able to hear me unless I hit my intercom button!
Voice [ic] : What can I say, you're predictable.
drewid: (sighs) Tell Captain Muirden I'll be right there. drewid out.
She lies back down on the couch and falls asleep. The screen starts to
warp and fade out, and we find ourselves approaching what is quite
obviously going to be a dream sequence.
Scene 2: The Dream Sequence
The drewid opens her eyes and finds herself in total darkness. She sits
up, confused, and then groggily wonders if Missy is visiting the Melbourne
again. No, she remembers, that was last week. Confusion turns to alarm as
she reaches for the light on her nightstand. There is no light there,
neither is there a nightstand. Somewhere in the distance, weird strains of
music form. As she watches, the drewid fancies that she can actually see
the music moving towards her. It twists and turns around corners, and as
it gets closer, moves faster and faster until it is upon her with a loud
CRASH! She puts her hands over her ears to try to counteract the ghastly
crescendo, and closes her eyes tight. Moments later, she tentatively opens
one eye. All is darkness again.
drewid: O.k., that was kind of bizarre...
A hundred yards in front of her, lightning crashes from the sky. It
strikes the earth, causing it to tremble. A fissure opens where it
strikes, and the drewid notices with horror that the crack is widening and
heading straight for her. She leaps clear of the bed and lands on the
ground a few feet away. She turns to look back, and the crevice is gone,
as is the bed.
drewid: O.k., so now I'm Alice in Wonderland. I guess it's time to go
find the White Rabbit.
She starts off down what could very well be a path, but in total darkness
it's difficult to tell. She walks for miles and miles, seemingly getting
nowhere.
drewid: (half-sarcastically) Maybe I should try walking backwards.
Just then, a voice comes over what sounds like a celestial intercom.
Voice [cic (celestial intercom)]: Lt. drewid, please report to the
courtroom. Your presence is requested.
drewid: Courtroom? I don't know where the courtroom is! (thinking for a
moment) Hmmm....maybe one will appear in front of me.
Sure enough, a doorway materializes to the left. The drewid opens the
door, and steps into a genuine Alice-in-Wonderland type courtroom. To the
left are the crew of the USS Chivalier, and to the right the crew of the
USS Subaru. Understandably relieved, the drewid rushes up to Lt. Euge.
drewid: Euge! I'm so glad to see you! Something really weird is
happening...
Suddenly, two armed women appear and grab the drewid's arms.
drewid: What the.... What's going on?
She looks up toward the bench and sees the Admiral Avenger standing there,
looking very judicial...and very angry.
Admiral Avenger: Lt. drewid?
drewid: (gulps) Uh...yeah?
Admiral Avenger: Lt. drewid, you have been charged with insubordination,
behavior unbefitting an officer, dereliction of duty,
and just plain laziness. Unrighteous creature, how do
you plead?
drewid: I want to talk to my lawyer!
Dave Quixote appears on her left.
Quixote: You sent for me, milady?
drewid: (incredulously) HIM????
Quixote: I place my sword at your disposal, milady.
drewid: Oh, great! I'm as good as dead.
Admiral Avenger: HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
drewid: I don't suppose I can plea-bargain.
Suddenly, double doors appear at the back of the courtroom. They are flung
open, and the two guards fight to keep back a crowd chanting, "No mercy!
Execute her!" The drewid is shocked to find that, leading the crowd, is
none other than Captain Richard Muirden.
Muirden: She's a disgrace to her uniform! (looking up at the Admiral)
Pass the sentence, then!
The crowd takes up the chant. "Pass the sentence! Execute her!"
Admiral Avenger: The sentence will now be pronounced!
drewid: But I haven't even pleaded yet! (looking at Dave Quixote)
Speaking of pleading, do you you suppose it would help?
Quixote: I know not, milady. I know very little concerning legal
proceedings.
drewid: Great. Nice of them to appoint me a competent lawyer.
Admiral Avenger: It is the opinion of this court that the accused has
been found guilty of all crimes, and is therefore
sentenced to be executed at high noon!
drewid: (running up to the crew of the _Chivalier_) But it's not true!
I didn't do anything! (noticing that the crew has begun
chanting with the crowd, "Execute her! Execute her!" she runs
over to the other side, where the crew of the _Subaru_ is
sitting quietly) What's going on? Why are they doing this to
me? (grabbing Kerri by the collar of her uniform) Captain, say
something!
Captain hj springs to life with the rest of the Subaru crew, and they join
in the chanting. "Execute her! Kill her now!"
A grandfather clock appears at the back of the courtroom behind the
Admiral. It announces the hour of twelve. High noon.
Executioner music begins to play. The executioner enters wearing the
typical black hood and carrying the traditional double-bladed axe. The
drewid's hands are tied, and a block appears before her. The two guards
force her to her knees in front of the block. The crowd goes silent with
anticipation. The executioner raises the axe high above his head. He is
about to bring it down on the drewid's neck, when...
Admiral Avenger: STOP! What are you doing?
The drewid looks around her to find that she is in a conference room. She
gets up from where she was kneeling on the floor and takes her seat.
Admiral Avenger: Now we all know why we are here.
The three crews (Melbourne, Subaru, Chivalier) all look accusingly at Lt.
drewid.
Admiral Avenger: Lt. drewid, you have been charged with insubordination,
behavior unbefitting an officer, dereliction of duty,
and just plain laziness. How do you plead?
drewid: Oh, not again!
The crew members begin to argue among themselves, and their voices rise to
a piercing screech. One of the crewmembers reaches out and begins to shake
Lt. drewid, while screaming at her at the top of his lungs. The drewid
tries to push him away. All at once, the picture fades, and she finds
herself, predictably, in her cabin being shaken by Captain Muirden.
Muirden: drewid! drewid! Are you all right?
drewid: (also predictably) Where am I?
Muirden: Why didn't you come to the bridge when I sent for you?
drewid: Sorry, sir, I guess I fell asleep. (shaking herself, trying to
clear the images of the nightmare from her brain) What was it
you wanted?
Muirden: You know, drewid, the Admiral and I spoke yesterday. It seems
he's been getting very bad reports from the rest of the crew...
the same kind of reports he used to get from the Chivalier when
you were there.
drewid: No, don't tell me. Let me guess. Insubordination, behavior
unbefitting an officer, dereliction of duty, and just plain
laziness. Right?
Muirden: Cut the sarcasm, drewid. You're notoriously LATE! If I give
you an order today, I'll be lucky if you carry it out by next
week! Let's see if we can improve that, shall we?
drewid: (uncertainly) Um...yes sir.
Muirden: Good. Now get back to work. (looking at her closely as she
struggles off the sofa) No, wait a minute. You look awful.
Go back to sleep, drewid. The new program can wait.
drewid: Sleep? (thinks it over) No, sir, you were right. It's time
I became more responsible. I'll go back to work.
They walk to the door.
drewid: After you, sir.
Muirden: Thank you, lieutanant.
As she's leaving, the drewid takes a look back at the room. She notices,
with horror, that there is no light on th nightstand. She turns and races
after Muirden.
-----------------
Date: Sun, 28 Apr 91 21:41:35 -0400
From: bryant@husc9.harvard.edu (Katherine 'Kabeta' Bryant)
Subject: ST:TCG (SHORT)
Next, on STAR TREK: THE CROUTON GENERATION......
"Counciliatory Matters"
Captain Kabeta falls into the clutches of an organization that calls itself
only the "Undergraduate Council," or the UC. Will the _Heisenberg_ crew
be able to save her, or will she be forced to listen to hours on end of
excruciatingly inane debate? Find out next time, as Kabeta fights to survive!
-----------------
Date: Sun, 28 Apr 91 21:52:19 -0400
From: bryant@husc9.harvard.edu (Katherine 'Kabeta' Bryant)
Subject: ST:TCG (SHORT)
[Note from the author: This is what happens when people start writing lots
of episodes and getting ahead of me... ]
Next time, on STAR TREK: THE CROUTON GENERATION......
"Proliferation"
After a long hiatus, the Croutons are suddenly subjected to a huge influx
of short episodes. What is causing these strangely high levels of episode-
writing? Will the stress of the end of the semester force Captains Kabeta
and half japanese into a struggle for position in the ranks of episode
writers? And will the drewid maintain her newly gained position? As the
episodes pile up and, as always, the Croutons fight to survive!
-----------------
Date: Sun, 28 Apr 91 20:21:03 -0600
From: reidj@tramp (Crossfire)
Subject: ST:TCG "Meanwhile, Back at the Ranche"
Next time, on an All-New Episode of Star Trek: The Crouton Generation--
"Meanwhile, Back at the Ranche"
While attending a symposium on prolific episode writing, Drewid is
captured and held for ransom by the evil Ranche Dressinge. Desparate
for more of her witty episodes, the Croutons struggle to raise enough
money to reach Dressinge's ransom demand. Buuuuuut Barbara Davis,
the evil Romulan Traitor, throws a WRENCH into the plan by breaking into
the Croutons' bank and overdrawing their checking account. Will Drewid
spend the rest of her life fending off advances from Dressinge? Will
she manage to tunnel out of his ship (she wants to TUNNEL out of a
SPACESHIP????)? Will Jez the Wonder Kitty be able to find a way to
be mentioned in this episode? Will a daring rescue attempt by Crossfire
and Kabeta be able to save the day? It's a hopeless hostage situation as
Drewid fights to survive on the next exciting episode of Star Trek:
The Crouton generation!
Guest stars Robert Pastorelli as Ranche Dressinge
Barbara "Supreme Empress of Persuasion" Davis as Herself
-----------------
Date: Sun, 28 Apr 91 20:39:35 -0600
From: reidj@tramp (Crossfire)
Subject: ST:TCG "The Seven Molar Solution"
Next time, on an All-New Episode of Star Trek: The Crouton Generation--
"The Seven Molar Solution"
In recognition of Vice Admiral Data's birthday, the Croutons throw him
a birthday party on the Holodeck in the form of another Sherlock Holmes
mystery. Buuuuut unknown to everyone, Dr. Koval and the Buffers of
Doom have reprogrammed the holodeck to release the evil Moriarty back
into the world! Will Moriarty finally destroy Data at Richenback Falls
and escape into the world? Will Dr. Koval join forces with the evil
Holmsian nemesis? Can Jez the Wonder Muffin Vendor rescue the Croutons
from Moriarty's trap? Will Admiral Picard loose his patience once and
for all with the holodeck? Evil programming strikes back as the crew
fights to survive on the next exciting episode of Star Trek: the
Crouton Generation!
Guest stars Daniel Davis as Moriarty
Patrick Stewart as Admiral Jean-Luc Picard
Brent Spiner as Vice Admiral Data
-----------------
Date: Sun, 28 Apr 91 23:36:55 -0600
From: reidj (Crossfire)
Subject: ST:TCG "The Gardeners of Eden" ***LONG***
Next time, on an All-New Episode of Star Trek: The Crouton Generation--
"Captain's Log, stardate $4F92C600G. Starfleet has sent us to check
up on the terraforming of the planet Torsakis in the Epsilon Col
system. There is some concern that the project might be falling far
behind schedule, since Torsakis was supposed to be fit for
colonization over seven years ago. However, Arden, the head of the
terraforming team, has always transmitted messages about delays, often
without explanation."
[Interior, _Croutonprize_ bridge.]
Chuang: Now entering the Epsilon Col system.
Crouton: Engage impulse engines. Open hailing frequencies.
Gretzky: Hailing frequencies open.
Crouton: This is Captain Chris Crouton of the USS _Croutonprize_
calling the terraforming complex on torsakis. Please respond.
[A pause, and then the image of Arden appears on the viewscreen. He
is a gruff-looking older man with a greying moustache and a receding
hairline.]
Arden [ss]: I'm Seth Arden, the head of the Torsakis terraforming
team. We weren't expecting any visitors.
Crouton: Well, this isn't exactly a social call, Mr. Arden. Starfleet
has asked us to check up on you and your team to...
Arden [ss, breaking in]: ...find out why we're so far behind schedule.
Crouton [after a pause]: Yes. Quite.
Arden [ss]: Well, captain, to be honest I'm not surprised. We were
expecting someone to come; we just didn't know when. We'd like to
extend an invitation to you and your officers for dinner and an
explanation.
Crouton: that would be satisfactory, Mr. Arden. We will be in orbit
around Torsakis in approximately twenty minutes.
Arden [ss]: Well, give us a couple of hours to get a suitable spread
ready for you.
Crouton: All right. Call us when you are ready. _Croutonprize_ out.
Highlander: He seems friendly enough.
Crouton: I'm sure there's some logical explanation for all of the
delays. I expect this mission to be quite routine. For a change.
Highlander: that would be nice. No Borg, Lucky Charms or Kelvins...
Soraya: Captain, our sensors are showing a fully developed and stable
biosphere on Torsakis. As far as I can tell, it's ready for
colonization.
Highlander: Then Arden has been lying all this time.
Crouton: I wonder why.
* * * * * * * * * * *
"The Gardeners of Eden"
Guest Stars Wilford Brimley as Seth Arden
Jessica Tandy as Rhea Arden
* * * * * * * * * * *
[Interior, Torsakis Terraforming Station One. A large, open building,
with many windows looking out onto a lush veldt scene. Arden and Rhea
stand, waiting. Crouton, Highlander, Icefalcon, Soraya, and Crossfire
all materialize.]
Arden [walking forward and shaking hands]: I'm Seth Arden,
Administrator of the Torsakis terraforming team. This is my wife,
Rhea, one of our technitians.
Crouton: A genuine pleasure. These are my senior officers--Commander
Highlander, my first Officer; Soraya Ghiasi, my Second in Command;
Lieutenant Commander Icefalcon, my CMO, and Lieutenant Commander
Crossfire.
[Everybody shakes hands.]
Crouton: Tell me, Mr. Arden, where are the other members of the team?
Arden: Oh, they're all dead. They all passed away over the last few
years.
Icefalcon: How?
Arden: Old age. that's what we wanted to talk to you about. come on,
let's go sit down and have something to eat.
Crouton: I think we'd prefer a little explanation, first.
Arden [after a beat]: Son, you're gonna get your explanation. Just
have a little patience. Come on.
[Arden and Rhea both walk down the hall and out of sight. Crouton &
Co. follow. They enter a large room, obviously a dining room. A
table in the center sports a couple of candles and place settings for
all. Rhea and Arden take their seats, and Crouton & Co. follow suit.]
Rhea: Tell me, captain...we got very little news of the Lucky Charm
invasion. What happened?
Crouton: Well, it was fairly cut-and-dry. They invaded the Federation,
the Klingon Empire, and the Romulan Empire. But we managed to stop
them.
Crossfire: With a little help from the Kunz.
Rhea: The Who?
Crossfire: The Kunz. He's...well...hard to describe.
Crouton: He's a multi-dimensional being with considerable powers.
Every now and then he shows up and causes mischief. This time he
helped us. He's rather difficult to understand.
Highlander: He's a pain in the ass.
Arden [laughing]: Sounds like you have a more interesting life than we
do down here. All we ever have to worry about are modifying
rainfall patterns and watching tectonic activity.
[Rhea gets up and goes into another room, returning with a pitcher of
orange liquid. She starts to pour everyone a glass.]
Highlander [sniffing the liquid dubiously]: What's this?
Arden: Orange juice. Freshly squeezed. Did it myself about fifteen
minutes ago.
Icefalcon [having downed half his glass]: You grow oranges here?
Arden: Oranges, lemons, limes...all kinds of Earth citrus fruits. That
was my contribution. I'll let you take back a few, if you like.
Crouton: Contribution?
Arden: Every member of the team had a say in what plants we wanted to
grow here. We had a long time to decide, too. It took years
before torsakis had a viable biosphere.
Rhea: Seth always liked sour things. I chose Kaferian apples and
Betazoid Srentis. Those were always my favorites.
Arden: The orbital inclination of Torsakis made us able to keep a
subtropical biosphere for most of the latitude, except the far
North and South. We introduced the plants we'd chosen, along with
suitable insect population to support them. No mosquitos, of
course...and our honeybees have no stingers.
Rhea: Now, you don't even have to live inside a building. You can
sleep outside on a Majipoor Bubblebush and walk a few feet and
pick breakfast off a tree. You don't have to do anything here.
Arden: We worked hard, captain. We made Eden. And we want to stay
here. Alone.
[Crouton starts to speak, and is cut off by Arden.]
Arden: Now I know what you're thinking. You only have to wait a few
more years, at most. Both of us are pretty damn old, and I
figure we're going to go soon. Then the Federation can move in and
do whatever it wants.
Rhea: We don't want to see you lot ruin our lifetime's work with
mining, sprawling cities, and resorts. We want to keep Eden
alive, if only for a few more years.
Arden: Now I know that young fella over there [he points at Crossfire]
is probably thinking he can just waltz right in here and take this
planet, and ordinarily he'd be right. But let me tell you that
we've set up some pretty nasty surprises in our terraforming
stations all over the planet. If you mess with us, Torsakis will
die a violent and painful death and be of no use to anyone.
Rhea: We didn't want to threaten you. We just wanted to make it clear
that we intend to stay.
Arden: You can be a part of this...you can send back a report saying
that all the delays are logical and unavoidable, and the Federation
will leave us alone for another ten years. By then, we'd both be
gone, and Torsakis will still be here, ready and waiting for you.
Rhea: We're not crazy. We just want to be left in peace in our
garden. That's not so much to ask for a lifetime's hard work, now
is it?
Crouton [after a beat]: This is certainly...surprising. We didn't
expect this at all.
Arden: No kidding.
[Rhea gets up, refills glasses, and then brings out a soup tureen and a
basket of rolls and serves them up.]
Rhea: Creamed Parthos soup and cracked wheat rolls. A good
combination, I think.
Crouton: You could stay on Torsakis. You could be a part of the
colony, acting as guides. Perhaps you could even convince them to
minimize their effects on the planet.
Arden: No, I doubt that. They'll already have their own plans. I met
the group of colonists a year ago. all they want to do is mess the
place up. Make it theirs. That's okay...I just don't want to have
to think about it. They can have Torsakis when we're done.
Highlander: Are you all...healthy?
Arden [chuckling]: We haven't been taken over by aliens, Commander. We
are perfectly sane. As for being healthy...well, we're both pretty
old. We have the usual old people's problems. Nothing to talk
about at the dinner table.
Soraya: You don't want to see what the universe has to offer? You
could travel all through the Federation, meet new friends, see new
things.
Rhea: We have lived on Torsakis all our lives. We love it here. I
personally don't really care to go and see other places. I already
live in Eden; why would I want to leave?
Crouton: I can understand your desires, Mr. Arden. I even sympathize
with you. We all would like to live in Eden. But we've got
fifteen thousand people who don't have homes waiting for a place to
live. Do you want to deprive them of their chance to live their
own lives? Especially in a place like this?
Arden: If they're so desperate to find a home, let them make their own.
We made Eden. We get first claim on it. And you'll only have to
wait a few more years. In comparison to the last hundred and ten
year wait, I don't see how it's gonna tax your patience more than
it already is.
Rhea: Who knows, captain...maybe now that our work is done, we will
get tired of Torsakis in a few months with nothing to do. Maybe we
will want to see the universe. But we should be allowed the right
to live out our retirement as we see fit.
Arden: So, what do you say, captain? Are you gonna help us?
Crouton [after a beat]: Mr. Arden, I'm not sure we can. But we will
discuss it.
Arden: That's all we ask. Just remember that we can destroy this Eden
in only a few minutes. And you can trust me when I say that you
wouldn't be able to stop it.
Rhea: Seth, let's not threaten them. They get the point.
Arden: Yeah. Okay. Well, Captain, I bet you and your friends here are
pretty tired of synthesized food. Well, we've got a dinner
prepared for you that you won't soon forget.
* * * * * * * * * * *
[Same dinner room, a little later. We see a number of dishes cluttering
up the table, all empty. They are all now having slices of pie.]
Highlander: I haven't had a dinner like that since last Christmas.
Arden: From the amount you ate it looked like you haven't eaten since
then.
Icefalcon: We don't usually get food this good. The replicators name
food that is almost like this...even down to the molecular level.
But somehow it just doesn't taste the same.
Rhea: I never liked replicated food. I always liked cooking my own. I
don't trust a computer to get something like that right.
Icefalcon: Mr. Arden, I've got some patients up on the _Croutonprize_
who contracted the Thalosian Flu on our last stop. They sure could
use some of those oranges.
Arden: Well, let's go pick them some. You can have as much as you
want. We've got more than we can eat anyway.
[Icefalcon and Arden get up and leave.]
Crouton: I don't suppose you've got a rootbeer spring somewhere?
Rhea [laughing]: No, we don't work miracles.
Soraya: You don't consider this to be a miracle?
Rhea: Not when you made it yourself, day by day and year by year.
Something only seems miraculous if you don't understand how it
happened.
Crouton: You both want to stay?
Rhea: Yes, of course. Did you think we were lying?
Crouton: No, of course not.
Crossfire: What exactly did you do to the terraforming stations?
Rhea [after a pause]: He's not much on subtlety, is he?
Highlander [smiling]: Never has been, never will be.
Crossfire: I never was very good at stuff like that.
Rhea [patting the arm of a fuming Crossfire]: Well, I'm not going
to tell you.
[Exterior, citrus grove. Icefalcon and Arden are carrying baskets that
are rapidly filling up with orange, grapefruit, and all manner of
fresh fruits.]
Arden: You take good care of your patients?
Icefalcon: I work hard; that has its own rewards.
Arden: Yep. I can understand that. Oh, look at this one. [He holds
up a pear.] It's so ripe that the skin's coming off. Looks like
I'll have to eat it. [He does.] You might as well get on with it.
Icefalcon: With what?
Arden: Go ahead and scan me with that tricorder of yours. I don't
mind.
[Icefalcon does so.]
Icefalcon: Well you're in pretty good health, for someone so old.
Does that shoulder bother you very much.
Arden: Only when I laugh.
Icefalcon: How'd you break it?
Arden: I fell off a cliff that formed under me. One of the hazards of
making your own mountain ranges.
[The two men stare at each other. Icefalcon starts to say something, a
regretful look on his face, but Arden interrupts him.]
Arden: I know about that, too. [A pause.] I told you we were okay.
Icefalcon: You both seem rational, if a little determined.
Arden: We just want to be left alone. Son, we were hoping you all
wouldn't come for another few months. If you had, none of this
would have happened.
Icefalcon: Well, maybe so...but I would've missed the dinner, too.
* * * * * * * * * *
[Interior, _Croutonprize_ sickbay. Icefalcon hands an orange to one of
his patients and then walks into his office, where Crouton,
Highlander, Soraya, and Crossfire are waiting.]
Icefalcon: Well, I've checked my readings thoroughly. There's nothing
weird at all. Both Arden and Rhea are quite themselves. I'd
have to say that they're both perfectly rational.
Crouton: That much was obvious.
Crossfire: Arden is a very clever man. I'd bet that if we called his
bluff we'd loose all our chips. My instincts tell me that he's
telling the truth when he says he'll destroy Torsakis if we
mess with them.
Soraya: I've scanned the terraforming stations all over the planet.
I've found some anomalies, but they were all very obvious. I'll
bet that the sabotage that they did was much more subtle. We'd
have to check each one personally.
Highlander: How many stations are there?
Soraya: One hundred and fourty five.
Highlander: That's not very practical.
Crouton: I can't just lie to starfleet. I wish I could. I'd like to
let them stay. [He looks thoughtful.] The last Adam and Eve.
Icefalcon: I don't really like being cast in the role of Satan,
Captain. After all, we are the ones trying to get them to leave
their Eden.
[The com boops.]
Gretzky [ic]: Bridge to Icefalcon. Mr. Arden is signalling you from
the planet.
Icefalcon: Pipe it through here.
Arden [appearing on a viewscreen; he looks very worried]: Icefalcon
...can you come down here? It's my wife.
Icefalcon: I'm on my way.
[Interior, Arden's quarters. Rhea is lying in bed, still.]
Icefalcon: Seth, I'm afraid she's dead. She died in her sleep.
Arden: Stroke? [Icefalcon nods.] Yeah, I figured. She's been having
headaches for a long time now.
Icefalcon: Why didn't you tell me? I could have helped her.
Arden: Well, considering what we had asked of you and your captain, it
didn't seem right. [He looks at Rhea for a minute, then turns
to Crouton.] Captain, Torsakis is yours. I don't want to live
here alone. Can you just give me a few hours to pack things up?
Crouton: Can we help you with anything?
Arden: Nope. I just need some time and I'll take care of it myself.
Crouton: All right. Signal us when you're ready.
[Interior, _Croutonprize_ bridge.]
Highlander: It's a shame about Rhea. She was a sweet woman.
Crouton: At least it solved our problem for us. Arden is willing...
Soraya: Captain, I'm reading no power at all from Torsakis. All of the
terraforming stations just went dead.
Crouton: Is everything else okay?
Soraya: Yes. Nothing happened; they just shut off. It's just that...
Crouton: What?
Soraya: I can't find Arden anywhere. He's not registering.
[Interior, Station One. Highlander, Crossfire, and Icefalcon
materialize. They go into the bedroom, only to find it empty and
tidy. The bed is made. Crossfire checks the closet, finding it full
of clothes.]
Icefalcon: Outside.
[Exterior, citrus grove. The trio is standing over a freshly-dug grave
under a flowering Srenti tree.]
Crossfire: We can find him on foot with tricorders.
Icefalcon: Don't. Just leave him in peace.
[A beat.]
Highlander [tapping com pin]: Highlander to _Croutonprize_. Three to
croutonize up.
[Interior, _Croutonize_ sickbay, Icefalcon's office. Crouton,
Highlander, and Icefalcon are all there.]
Icefalcon: It seems that Torsakis is ours to do with as we please,
captain. Arden kept his promise.
Crouton [thoughtfully]: Yes. It's too bad this had to happen.
Highlander: I don't see that he left us any choice. I'm just glad we
didn't have to duke it out with him.
Crouton: Did Arden say anything to you to indicate where he was going
to go?
Icefalcon [softly]: No sir. Not really.
[Crouton waits for an elaboration, but after a moment he and Highlander
simply leave Icefalcon alone.
[Icefalcon looks at the orange on his desk, then turns to his computer
screen. He activates it, and we can see what it says:
Patient: Arden, Sethram Hadley.
Race: Human male.
Age: 114 Terran years.
Diagnosis: Late stages of leukemia.
[Icefalcon hits the ERASE button.]
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