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The Crouton Generation Archives
STAR TREK: THE CROUTON GENERATION
SEASON THREE
Episodes #105-151
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Date: Mon, 29 Apr 91 16:22:37 -0400
From: bryant@husc9.harvard.edu (Katherine 'Kabeta' Bryant)
Subject: Heisenberg episode (SHORT)
This is a debut episode from Ethan Gershon, aka Ensign G. O'Forever:
From: gershon@husc9 (Ethan Gershon)
Next time on Staaaaar Trek: The Crouton Generation....
"Councilliatory Matters, part II"
With Captain Kabeta being held captive by the evil "UC," Lt. Cmdr. McDonagh,
Lt. JG Kleber, and Ensign O'Forever attempt a desperate rescue mission.
Disguised as humanities concentrators, they infiltrate the UC continuum.
Will Kleber blow their cover when he proposes a useful and logical
resolution to the council? Will McDonagh be able to change the laws of
physics in time? Will O'Forever be able to change Robert's Rules of Order?
(Which is harder?)
Find out next time as the crew tries to keep a straight face at a UC
meeting!
----------------
Date: Mon, 29 Apr 91 15:00:21 -0600
From: midzor@tramp (Eric Moore AKA Fizzix Dude)
Subject: Next on "Star Trek: The Crouton Generation"
LYNCH MOB
Fizzix Dude is on the run when the crew of the _Croutonprize_ go berzerk.
Incited by his callousness and repertoire of pretty lousy humour, they
decide to kick the living s--- out of him. Hopeless it seems, until they
enlist the aid of Thomas Brandon (Kyle McLachlan), ace Kunz-buster. Will
Fizzix Dude be able to prevail and outwit Brandon's wiliness, or will
this be his last stand? Find out on the next "Star Trek: The Crouton
Generation."
NOT "G", "GEE" (GAG!)
While exploring a new sector of Federation space, the crew of the
_Croutonprize_ encounters a mischievous, but innocuous geeky MDC ("multi-
dimensional creature") called the Gee Continuum. All is fine until
he decides to begin reforming Star Fleet regulations by requiring all
officers to wear bow ties. Will the crew be able to resist his inter-
ference, or will they be lowered to levels of geek-dom never witnessed
before? Find out on the next "Star Trek: The Buff Generation."
----------------
Date: Mon, 29 Apr 91 18:40:01 edt
From: "someone now holds the key (Russell, Kerri)"
Subject: st:tcg short
On the next episode of star trek the crouton generation
"Capital Punishment"
because of kabeta's trying to catch up with half japanese in the number of
episodes written, hj decides to punish her crew to encourage them to write
episodes in her name. however, this punishment backfires and heian refuses to
let anyone use capital letters. will this situation be righted/// what will
everyone do/// will heian ever let the -subaru- use the shift key again///
find out next time on the very punny episode of star trek the crouton
generation1111111
----------------
Date: Tue, 30 Apr 91 00:05:34 -0400
From: ender2@husc9.harvard.edu (Matt Ender)
Subject: STTCG short
On the next episode of Staaaaaar Trek: The Crouton Generation:
"Share and Enjoy!"
One of the Sirius Cybernetics products if the Nutrimatic Food Dispenser.
When you press the sensor pad, the Nutrimat makes an instant but highly
detailed examination of your neural pathways and taste buds, and figures
out what will be well received. Nobody knows exactly why it does this,
however, for upon completion it invariably delivers a food that tastes
almost, but not exactly, entirely unlike Pounce. The name of the
drink is "Advanced Feline Supplement #63", and one has just been offered
to Jez, the Wonder Kitty.
Jez: Purr. [Thanks] *eats a bit and spits it out* Hiss! MrroWr!
[Uggh! It tastes awful!]
Nutrimat: Share and Enjoy.
Jez: Mrow... Hiss. [Listen you stupid machine, what is that stuff?]
Nutrimat: That meal was personally tailored to meet your needs for
nutrition and pleasurable sense data. Share and Enjoy!
Jez: Mrowp. Morw, mrow! [Try to understand. If I want to be toned
up, relaxed, be happy, or anything, it's very simple. I just
have a bit of Pounce!]
Nutrimat: Then why did you build us?
Jez: Mrow? Mrr. [What? I didn't build you.]
Nutrimat: You're an organic lifeform. We were built to improve your
lifestyle.
Jez: M_R_O_W_R! [BUT ALL I WANT IS SOME POUNCE!]
Nutrimat: Just Pounce?
Jez: Mrr. [Yes.]
Nutrimat: Why?
Jez: Mrrowr purr. [Because I happen to like it, that's why.]
Nutrimat: Stated reason does not conform to program facts.
Jez: Mrou! HISS! [Listen, you bag of binary bits, I Like Pounce,
and don't try to tell me I don't!]
Nutrimat: Trying to find out why you like Pounce. Computing.
[a pause] Jez: Mrow? [Nutrimat?]
Nutrimat: Trying to find out why you like Pounce. Still computing.
Will Jez ever get Pounce from the Nutrimatic Food Dispenser?
Will the Nutrimat lock up the logic circuits of the main computers,
causing a major plot complication?
Will the Croutons fight to survive, or will they merely pop out for
a bit of lunch?
Find out in the next episode of Star Trek: The Crouton Generation.
-- Matt
----------------
Date: Tue, 30 Apr 91 13:39:08 edt
From: "someone now holds the key (Russell, Kerri)"
Subject: ST:TCG
On the next possibly not so exciting episode...
"Complementary Complicated Complaints"
As half japanese writes more and more episodes, members of starfleet get more
and more iratated with her stories. Will there be a rebellion against the
kind-hearted (yeah right) captain??? Will pigs fly??? If so, will that mark
the return of "Pigs in Space"???? Who will play Miss Piggy??? And will anyone
complain about her being such a ham???? What other plot complications are
in store for the members of the _Subaru_??? Find out next time on the NEXT
exciting episode of STARRRRRR TREEEKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK
the Crouton Generation
----------------
Date: Tue, 30 Apr 91 18:58 EDT
From: "Gilliam, Suzanne"
Subject: ST:TCG
Next time, on ST:TCG
"The Impeachment of Captain half japanese"
the crew of the USS Subaru finally gets so fed up with Captian hj forcing
them to do inordinate numbers of push-ups and writing ceaselessly senseless
and boring episodes that they decide to have a meeting about her in order
to discuss the future. to this meeting they invite all of the main
characters from the other starships. euge and justin sneakily conspire to
lock the captain in her room using a stolen street sign, with the full
approval of Captain Kabeta, who is also present. the drewid attends as
moderator of the proceedings. (ha!) the meeting comes to order and
continues despite the muffled screamed threats and protests of Captain hj
and the incompetent fumbling of Dave Quixote as he attempts to free her.
(nice job, euge and justin. Dave should know better than to mess with
professionals.) will the crews collectively decide to impeach the
captain?? will Dave be able to free her in time for her to catch all of
the crewmembers holding an illegal meeting (we never said this was a
democracy) and make them all do a zillion push-ups?? will the crews simply
elect to leave hj sign-posted in her room forever?? tune in next week,
when you'll hear Miss Piggy say....
"a HAM?? being a HAM???? i'll give you a HAM! hi--ya!"
look out! that kick broke through the sign holding half japanese in
captivity. the crews of all ships scatter, and her own crew goes into
hiding. (hj: hiding? i'll give them a hiding if i ever catch them!) now
there is a new problem...will hj ever find her crew?? will they all find a
way to sneak off the ship without being seen?? will they be able to
convince euge and justin to return and attempt to lock her in her cabin
again?? find out, on the next thrilling adventure of...
PPPIIIIIIIGGGGSSSSS IIIIIIINNNNNN SSSSSPPPPPPPAAAAAAAACCCCCCCE!
oops. make that STAAAAAAAR TREK: THE REVOLUTIONARY GENERATION
----------------
Date: Fri, 3 May 91 10:51:07 edt
From: "someone now holds the key (Russell, Kerri)"
Subject: ST:TCG *short*
On the next...(you know the rest)
"Extra Virgin Olive Oil"
half japanese seems to have found an ingredient in the kitchen to spice up her
love life with her favorite stud puppet. Unbeknownst to the two, the Extra
Virgin Olive Oil is actually a product of the Hidden Valley Ranch Empire. What
effects will this have on the two love birds??? Will half japanese give up
flirting as a result??? And who is this stud puppet??? Find out next time on
Star Trek: The (slippery) Crouton Generation
----------------
Date: Fri, 3 May 91 11:09:29 edt
From: "someone now holds the key (Russell, Kerri)"
Subject: st:tcg *short*
On the Next Exciting Episode of Star Trek: The Crouton Generation...
"Grave Topics"
Lt. Yee gets stuck working the Late night "Grave Yard" shifts. This makes
him so dead tired that he can't perform as well with Paula as he normally
would. She calls him a "dead beat" and a major battle takes place. To ease
Paula's morbid curiosity about the loss of his sex drive, she feeds him a
powdery truth potion. As Euge "bites the dust" he screams "I want to die"
(which is a Renaissance way of saying "I want to get off") He then becomes a
stiff, and as they run to bed, accidentally kicks the bucket next to their
bed. Will this be a deadly encounter??? Or will it be simply ghostly??? Who
will keel over first??? Find out next time on Star Trek the Crouton
Generation!!! (unless this story ceases to exist as if it just passed away...)
----------------
Date: Fri, 3 May 91 11:18:20 edt
From: "someone now holds the key (Russell, Kerri)"
Subject: ST:TCG *short*
On the Next Short Episode of Star Trek The Crouton Generation
"Writers Block"
The Hidden Valley Ranch Empire has found a way to make half japanese write
less episodes, by causing her to have a writers block and not be able to come
up with a plot for her next long episode. however, half japanese doesn't seem
to care and continues to write many many annoying, pointless, meaningless,
short episodes. Will this barage of short episodes ever end???? How bored
will the readers get??? Who will linch the insane captain first???? Find out
next time on Star Trek the Crouton Generation
----------------
Date: Fri, 3 May 91 11:23:15 edt
From: "someone now holds the key (Russell, Kerri)"
Subject: ST:TCG *sh**t*
On the next, or perhaps the one following the next, exciting episode of Star
Trek the Crouton Generation:
"Kabeta's Revenge"
Kabeta decides she's had enough of half japanese writing more episodes than
her. Will there two ships go to War against each other??? Or does Kabeta have
something else in mind??? What does Kabeta *really* think of all this
anyway??? Who will win??? Find out next time on Star Trek: The Crouton
Generation
----------------
Date: Fri, 3 May 91 11:27:21 edt
From: "someone now holds the key (Russell, Kerri)"
Subject: ST:TCG *LONG* *Just kidding*
On the NEXT STIMULATING EPISODE OF
STAR TREK THE CROUTON GENERATION
"Euge Laughs"
Lt. Yee is the only member of the Croutonfleet to find half japanese's
multiple episodes of Star Trek even slightly amusing!!! Is this only an
act??? Are there more people who are secretly lauging but aren't ready to
come out of the closet, as it were??? Is Euge secretly annoyed at these
episodes but is just laughing because we are so incredibly bored here at
work???? Find out, if you care, on ST:TCG
----------------
Date: Fri, 3 May 91 11:32:16 edt
From: "someone now holds the key (Russell, Kerri)"
Subject: ST:TCG *OH NO!*
On the next (I'm tired of typing that so I'll just skip it)
"Linking Stories to Links"
Once again the links are down preventing communications between ships. So,
obviously, half japanese feels the urge to write yet another episode about
downed links. Who will she blame this time???? Is it Euge's fault??? Nah,
maybe Justin's??? Or will half japanese decide to blame the EVIL, Malicious,
Hidden Valley Ranch Empire??? Or is it the Big Dick's fault??? (most probably
everything else is...) Or will half japanese be more creative and invent a
new character???? (nah, too much work) Or will she blame it on the rain????
Find out blah, blah, blah.
----------------
Date: Fri, 3 May 91 11:35:55 edt
From: "someone now holds the key (Russell, Kerri)"
Subject: ST:TCG *Kerri please, no more*
You know...
"Oh My Gods, Not Another One?!?!?!"
Yes another one!!! half japanese sits down to write yet another episode and is
dragged away from the keyboard and abused. Does she enjoy it???? (probably,
knowing her) Does she even bother to fight back??? How fake does the blood
look??? Find out next time on the most gorey episode of Star Trek: the Crouton
generation since the death of Lt. Woj!
----------------
Date: Fri, 3 May 91 11:38:22 edt
From: "someone now holds the key (Russell, Kerri)"
Subject: ST:TCG *ENOUGH ALREADY*
"Title Lost"
As half japanese returns to the Keyboard to create more and more episodes she
finds her memory is going. Is half japanese going senile already??? If so
will she forget to write more episodes??? Will half japanese , um, sorry
forgot...What am I writing anyway??? Who is this too???
----------------
Date: Fri, 3 May 91 11:39:38 edt
From: "someone now holds the key (Russell, Kerri)"
Subject: ST:TCG *ugh!*
on the next episode of star trek the crouton generation
"title Remembered"
But I'm not telling you till the next one. (these are probably coming out of
order. "Title Lost" comes first
----------------
Date: Fri, 3 May 91 11:44:02 edt
From: "someone now holds the key (Russell, Kerri)"
Subject: ST:TCG *the one after Title Remembered"
On the next one
"How Many More Are There???"
As Desperate cries for a ceacation of episode writing reaches half japanese,
she decides to take pity and not write anymore episodes for a short while.
Will the Croutons have time to relax before more episodes reach them???
(probably not) How long can half japanese stay away from her keyboard??? Find
out next time I'm allowed near a computer
----------------
Date: Fri, 3 May 91 13:21:57 edt
From: "someone now holds the key (Russell, Kerri)"
Subject: ST:TCG *sorry, guys, but it IS later...*
on the next episode
"Driving and Riding"
Lts. Yee and Fields take a late night walk on a very primitave planet. Will
they find a big man who Drives trucks to get a Ride from???? Or will they just
take a very long walk and not make it back to their shuttle till obnoxiously
early in the morning??? Will they make it to breakfast??? The answers to these
questions and many others that you wouldn't care to ask or even hear the answer
to will be found in the next informative episode of Star Trek: The Crouton
Generation!
----------------
Date: Fri, 3 May 91 11:46:33 -0600
From: frechett@tramp (-=Runaway Daemon=-)
Subject: ST:TCG(short) Guuuuuuuuuurrrgle!!!! CHoKe. . .
"Guuuuuuuuuurrrgle!!!! CHoKe. . ."
Second officer Runaway Daemon takes over the Chivalier for a short trip.
Upon hijacking the ship he chases the SUbaruuuu for a while until finally
the Chivalier is forced to disable the SUbaruuuuu.
Daemon strangles half japaneese and then relinquishes control of the
Chivalier. Will half japaneese be resurected from the dead again?
If she is, will she continue to bombard the inter-ship email with
pointless ST:TCG episodes? All this and more on the next exciting
episode of STAAaaaaaar Trek the Crouton Generation.. as half japaneese
fights to survive.
-=Runaway Daemon=-
----------------
Date: Fri, 3 May 91 14:34:41 -0600
From: zecca@tramp (Emulator of Borg)
Subject: ST:TCG (revenge!!)
STAR TREK: THE CROUTON GENERATION
"Please, Kerri, Don't Hurt Him"
ALL-NEW EPISODE
You knew her as Kerri Russell. Now as half japanese, she posts episodes
to Junk like the end of the world is on its way.
[Scene of the dozen or so episodes she posted early today flying by.]
You knew him as Mad Bob the Avenger, though these days he's known as the
Admiral. His disk quota going to hell, hj's mad posting drives him deeper
into a hell hole of his own creation.
[We take a quick look at 'ls' on the Admiral's tcg/episodes directory, where
he keeps uncompiled episodes:
new10.Z new11.Z new12.Z new13.Z new14.Z new15.Z new16.Z new16.ad.Z new17.Z
new18.Z new19.Z new20.Z new21.Z new22.Z new23.Z new24.Z new25.Z new26.Z
new27.Z new28.Z new29.Z new3.Z new3.ad.Z new30.Z new31.Z new32.Z new33.Z
new33.ad.Z new34.Z new34.ad.a.Z new34.ad.b.Z new35.Z new36.Z new37.Z
new38.Z new38.ad.Z new39.40.41.Z new4.Z new42.Z new43.Z new44.Z new45.Z
new45.ad.Z new46.Z new47.Z new48.Z new49.Z new5.Z new5.ad.Z new50.Z new51.Z
new52.Z new53.Z new54.Z new54.ad.Z new55.Z new55.ad.Z new56.Z new57.Z
new58.Z new59.Z new6.Z new60.Z new61.Z new62.Z new63.Z new64.Z new64.ad.Z
new65.Z new66 new67 new68 new69 new7.Z new7.ad.Z new70 new70.ad new71
new72.73 new74 new75 new76 new77 new78 new79 new8.Z new8.ad.Z new80 new81
new82 new83 new84 new85 new86 new87 new88 new89 new9.Z zen1 zen1.ad ]
Will Euge and drewid (both on secret missions, of course) be able to save
the Admiral from the clutches of hj's mad mailer?
hj deathtrap, on an all-new episode of STAR TREK: THE CROUTON GENERATION!!
----------------
Date: Sat, 4 May 91 12:52:39 edt
From: "someone now holds the key (Russell, Kerri)"
Subject: ST:TCG *ha!*
On the next episode
"Throwing the Towel In"
half japanese in order to save her already-being-strangled neck states that
she will not be writing any more episodes of Star Trek the Crouton
Generation. Does anyone believe her??? Would they be foolish to believe
her??? And what color is the Towel??? Find out next time as half japanese
begs to survive...
----------------
Date: Mon, 6 May 91 18:13:58 edt
From: "someone now holds the key (Russell, Kerri)"
Subject: st:tcg *shortish*
on the next boring episode of Star Trek the Crouton Generation
"Sausage Links"
The Hidden Valley Empire has succeeded in stopping all communication between
the multitude of ships of the Croutonfleet by feeding sausages to the various
computers. How did they do that??? Was it tasty??? And why did Heian, a strict
vegetarian, cheat on her diet??? These questions and more to be ignored on the
next episode of Star Trek: The Crouton Generation
----------------
Date: Mon, 6 May 91 18:14:18 edt
From: "someone now holds the key (Russell, Kerri)"
Subject: ST:TCG *un long*
On the next episode of Star Trek the Crouton Generation that you will delete
before you read:
"Dog Days"
Sancho (DQ's dog) and Skywise (Captain half japanese's wolf) start talking
regularly:
Sancho: Eh, wolfy baby!
Skywise: Go away or I'll bite your head off!
Will their relationship improve??? Or is Skywise just being a bitch???
Sancho: Eh, Skywise, I know how we could steal dee ship...
Skywise: Why would we do something like that to our beloved owners???
But there is a change of attitude...
Skywise: OK, Sancho, I'll take the big one on the right, you take the wimp on
the left...
Sancho: I want the big one!
Skywise: Typical male--won't accept the fact that he could possibly be weaker
than a female.
After the two have taken over the _Subaru_ and locked all the crew, including
their owners up:
hj: This is all *your* mutt's fault!!! Give me 1,000 push ups!!!
DQ: My Queen, I knowest not what you refer too!!!
As Dave Quixote does push ups, Captain half japanese attempts to think. Will
they regain control of the _Subaru_???? Will the dog and wolf be put to
sleep??? (NO!!!) Why did Sancho and Skywise take over the ship??? Is someone
controling them??? If so, WHO??? And will half japanese EVER stop writing
episodes????
These questions won't be answered since you aren't reading this anyway.
----------------
Date: Mon, 6 May 91 20:30:19 edt
From: "someone now holds the key (Russell, Kerri)"
Subject: ST:TCG*Even though I said I wouldn't*
On the episode that was promised not to be...
"Messages Lost"
The Big Dick managed to prevent messages from getting to the _Subaru_.
Unbeknownst to Captain half japanese and her Samurai-wanna-be's (well SHE
wants them all to be Samurai any way), Admiral Mad Bob the Avenger had sent a
very important message to the Captain. What was this message all about???
Will anyone ever find out??? Is Kabeta sulking because she is far behind in
her episode writing??? Will she catch up next year??? Find out next time on
and all new episode of Star Trek The Crouton Generation (unless it gets lost)
----------------
Date: Mon, 6 May 91 21:25:47 edt
From: "someone now holds the key (Russell, Kerri)"
Subject: ST:TCG *sorry I'm bored and stressed*
on the next one
"How to Avoid Work"
A video tape reaches the crew of the _Subaru_ training them on how best to
procrastinate. As a result, little to no work is getting done. Will half
japanese discover the tape??? Will she destroy it, or learn from it??? Will
there be many more episodes posted as a result??? Will everyone go insane, or
just out to lunch for a few years??? And how many push-ups will be asigned???
Find out as the crew of the _Subaru_ lounge to survive...
----------------
Date: Mon, 6 May 91 21:45:24 edt
From: "someone now holds the key (Russell, Kerri)"
Subject: ST:TCG *JUST TO ANNOY YOU*
on the next non-existant existing episode
"Damn the Links"
Now that the links are working will half japanese FINALLY stop writing
episodes??? Obvoiusly not. As the Croutons try to kill her to survive...
----------------
Date: Tue, 7 May 91 19:34 EDT
From: "Gilliam, Suzanne"
Subject: ST:TCG I Warned You!
Next time on ST:TCG
The drewid, bored with having nothing to do, begins writing short,
meaningless episodes, a la hj. Will hj kill her before the other croutons
kill her? Will the drewid get back into the race for the most prolific
crouton this season? Will she become so bored that she'll go for an
all-time record? Find out very very soon on
STAAAAAAR TREK: THE PROCRASTINATION GENERATION
----------------
Date: Tue, 7 May 91 19:40 EDT
From: "Gilliam, Suzanne"
Subject: ST:TCG THE FEDERATION STRIKES BACK
Next time, on ST:TCG
The Federation, fed up with the absurdity of the few remaining prolific
writers (i like that expression) issues an order to cease and desist all
supernatural activity and return forthwith to your place of origin. No, no
no. Ack! The Federation seems to have become a haven for movie-line
quoters! Will the croutons survive what will obviously be an onslought
(sp) of episodes containing obscure movie lines? Tune in next week, to
STAAAAAAR TREK: THE ALWAYS-SOMETHING-NEW-AND-EXCITING GENERATION
----------------
Date: Tue, 7 May 91 19:47 EDT
From: "Gilliam, Suzanne"
Subject: ST:TCG GETTING MY OWN BACK
Next time, on ST:TCG
The drewid, absolutely disgusted with the episode of ST:TNG in which
everyone did really bad impressions of the characters in the Errol Flynn
version of Robin Hood, decides to cast certain people in interesting roles
of her own. Here's a preview...
Captain hj, USS Subaru: To be or not to be. How the hell should I know?
Captain Muirden, USS Melbourne: Frankly, drewid, I don't give a damn.
Ensign Dave Quixote, USS Subaru: Thou art a flea-bitten, low-life,
scruffy-looking hidden valley rancher want to be!
Yikes! Will this insanity never end? Tune in next time, on
STAAAAAAAR TREK: THE DREWID-IS-VERY-VERY-BORED GENERATION
----------------
From: s892024@minyos.xx.rmit.OZ.AU (Richard Muirden [GA])
Message-Id: <9105080454.15699@minyos.xx.rmit.oz.au>
Subject: ST:TCG: "Going away is so hard to handle" (short)
Next time on Star Trek: The Crouton Generation...
"Going away is so hard to handle"
Lt. Hoke has been ordered on a one year exchange program with the U.S.S.
Moscow! How will Captain Muirden deal with his loss? Will he go crazy
and kill himself with sorrow, or will he start flirting again, or start
up his relationship with Rhee Savan again?!!! Find out as the croutons
fight over roubles to eat!
----------------
Date: Wed, 8 May 91 10:39:57 edt
From: "someone now holds the key (Russell, Kerri)"
Subject: ST:TCG
On the next fantastic episode:
"Fan Fair"
The away team on planet Mekles encounters and odd custom unique to this odd,
new planet. Every night at some random time, all the natives rush into the
streets and form perfect parade formations and display their brightly colored
new fans. What could this possibly mean???? Will the ships anthropologist
figure it out in time??? How many red shirts get obliterated???? YOu don't
want to miss the next episode, as YOU fight to survive!!!!
----------------
Date: Wed, 8 May 91 10:58:55 edt
From: "someone now holds the key (Russell, Kerri)"
Subject: ST:TCG
on the next annoying short episode:
"Proper Forms of Address"
NO one seems to be addressing people by their appropriate title anymore, and
half japanese is PISSED! What action will she take??? Will people get sore
arms??? Will they rebell??? Will there be mutany??? And is this really an
episode or am I using this as a way to send you my address???? (which by the
way is:
Kerri Russell
Dickinson College/HUB 1729
P.O. Box 4888
Carlisle, PA 17013-0298)
Will anyone write the Captain??? Or will she suffer a forever empty mail
box??? If letters are sent will she bother to answer??? Or is she too busy
spending time with her latest??? Will she ever find out where she is living in
Japan??? Will she get mail there??? Will she answer that??? How many more
questions must we endure?????? Will these questions ever be answered??? Will
they ever be read??? Or red for that matter???? Find out next time on Star
Trek The Crouton Generation!!!!!!!!!!!!!
----------------
Date: Wed, 8 May 91 11:12:10 edt
From: "someone now holds the key (Russell, Kerri)"
Subject: ST:TCG
On the next thrilling episode:
"The Challenge"
half japanese receives a threatening letter informing her of a challenger
hoping to write more episodes than she has written. Will this challenger
succeed??? Or will half japanese just have to write two episodes for every
episode that the challenger wrote??? Will half japanese crash and burn, or
will the challenger explode with rage???? Who will win the prolific writer
award for the season???? Find out next time on Star Trek the crouton
generation
----------------
Date: Wed, 8 May 91 11:16:06 edt
From: "Fields, Justin"
Subject: ST:TCG
Next time on
STAAAAR TREK: THE CROUTON GENERATION
"Posession"
What happened to Lt. Fields while playing with a Ouija Board? Even he
is now starting to write these short meaningless damned episodes. Is he sick?
Is he posessed by a demonic spirit? The rest of the Chivalier's crew is
worried. Is this malady contagious? Will they throw him out of the airlock? At
least they can. On the Suburu, the Captian is the infected person. Will they
mutiny? At least they wouldn't have to do pushups anymore.
Find out on the next
Star Trek: The Crouton Generation
----------------
Date: Wed, 8 May 91 11:35:11 -0400
From: ender2@husc9.harvard.edu (Matt Ender)
Subject: ST:TCG
On the next excited energy state of STAAAAAAAAAAR TREK: THE
CROUTON GENERATION:
"cc -o ind ind.o ../lib/ngs.a ../lib/odp.o ../lib/ngs.a"
Matt Ender, stuck with compiling and running a large graphics program every
several minutes, takes up the 'challenge' of writing short and nearly amusing
short episodes for the crew to puzzle over. Will his .alias file eat
Cincinnati, or will it leave that city for the giant cockroach? Will
Thokk _ever_ get his food dispenser to deliver grundstuck and urgrubs?
Will Matt be called in to reprogram said food dispenser? With a hammer?
Will he succeed, or will it keep saying "That nutri-bar was individually
tailored to meet your needs for nutrition and pleasurable sense data.
Share and enjoy!" ? ? ? ? ?
Find out, if you can, on the next Star Trek: The Crouton Generation
----------------
Date: Wed, 8 May 91 11:42:48 -0400
From: ender2@husc9.harvard.edu (Matt Ender)
Subject: ST:TCG *short*
On the next computerized episode of Star Trek: the Crouton Generation:
"Balls and Walls"
When Matt Ender decides to simulate the kinematic animation of balls bouncing
off walls as an example program for the Academy, has he gotten in over his
head? Will he be able to finish this and the mysterious 'global diffus
shading' project that was just referred to? Can he hope to get a decent
grade in CS 275? Will his program drive Pandora's load through the roof?
Find out, in the next episode of STAAAAR TREK: The Crouton Generation.
----------------
Date: Wed, 8 May 91 12:18 EDT
From: "Gilliam, Suzanne"
Subject: Next time on ST:TCG
"Silenced, but not apprenticed."
The drewid is thrust (by her own incompetence, we might add) into a silent
vortex in which all contact with the outside world is CUT OFF! (gasp!)
Will the drewid ever escape the vortex? (she already has) WIll the
Admiral have to send out another search party and fabricate another large
wooden badger in order to save her? (nope. she's already rescued. by the
VERY nice sounding guy at the computer center. (ooh!) ). Find out next
time, on
STAAAAAAAAR TREK: THE IRRELEVANT GENERATION
----------------
Date: Wed, 8 May 91 14:38 EDT
From: "Gilliam, Suzanne"
Subject: Next time, on ST:TCG DISTURBANCE AT THE VIRGIN VAULT
Next time, on ST:TCG "Disturbance at the Virgin Vault"
(note to the reader: Welch Hall, home of our own beloved drewid, is
nicknamed "the virgin vault" because it is home to large numbers of
freshmen ...um...women.)
Although the entire population of the virgin vault has been ordered to
maintain radio silence, not to mention quiet hours, strange screams and
unearthly music (who IS playing that john denver music?) still abound.
will commander sandi have to put her foot down? how long has she been
standing with one foot in the air? will she adopt captain hj's
disciplinary techniques and have the entire hall do pushups? or will she
let chaos reign? will the drewid ever stop procrastinating and start
studying? find out next time, on
STAAAAAAAR TREK: THE FRAZZLED-FRESHMEN-FINALISTS GENERATION
----------------
Date: Wed, 8 May 91 15:53:27 -0600
From: midzor@tramp (Eric Moore AKA Fizzix Dude)
Subject: ON AN ALL-NEW EPISODE OF "STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION"....
QB
Disaster strikes the crew of the _Croutonprize_ when the evil Q rewrites
history, making John Elway the commanding officer. The beginning of
Elway's command shows promise, but quickly goes to heck in a handbasket.
The _Croutonprize becomes the laughing stock of the Federation when they
get the upper hand fighting a Romulan invader, only to lose because Elway
decided to use the crouton torpedoes at minimum spread. Will the crew
slowly realize the gross error in their history and convince Q to put
everything back to normal? Or will they lose Super Bowl CDXXVI and be
dry-docked for good? Find out on the next "Star Trek: The Bronco
Generation"!
GROWING PAINS
A^2B makes a surprise visit aboard the _Croutonprize_ and lectures to the
crew about the dangers of letting their episodes become too numerous. He
then takes over command of the entire Federation and begins ordering all
starships back to their home bases. Will Capt. Crouton find a way to
thwart A^2B's plans, or will everyone have to go into early retirement
when their five-year message is cancelled? Find out on the next "Star
Trek: The Alan Thicke Generation"!
WILL THIS SUIT YOU?
The crew of the _Croutonprize_ goes to court when the inhabitants of Aussie-5
begin publishing off-colour parodies of the crew in _The_Galactic_Inquirer_.
Capt. Crouton musters up all his widom and legal expertise to fight the
slander, but encouters trouble when the Aussies make an argument for freedom
of speech. Will he and the crew prevail to preserve the good name of the
_Croutonprize_, or will this be Crouton's Last Stand? Find out on the next
"Star Trek: The Suing Generation"!
How's that?
-- Fizzix Dude
----------------
Date: Wed, 8 May 91 20:26:11 -0400
From: ender2@husc9.harvard.edu (Matt Ender)
Subject: Next Time
on STAAAAAAR TREK: THE CROUTON GENERATION:
"Intensity Gradients"
The intensity of his typing speeds up as Matt Ender, alien weirdo
extraordinaire, finishes his animation program for the Academy and starts
in three-fisted on the global diffuse shading. But Hidden Valley Ranchers
want to plant a trojan horse in his program, and cause him to fail his
CS 275! Will Matt give up in shadows, and resort to using intensity
gradients only? Will the Ranchers take out the central Academy computer
and change everyone's grades to FAIL, thus causing no Academy students
to graduate, thus causing a massive lack of ensigns with any clue at all,
thus causing work overloads on the major _Salad_ ships, thus causing
easy takeover of said ships by said Ranchers, thus causing the collapse
of the Federation, thus causing an end of the episode, and not to mention
the United Federation of Croutons? Will the next voice be that of
William Blake? Or Roj Blake?
Find out, in the next almost-inconprehensile-but-maybe-not-and-I'm-not-
being-indecisive (splunge) episode of Star Trek: The Crouton Generation!
----------------
Date: Wed, 8 May 91 22:18 EDT
From: "Gilliam, Suzanne"
Subject: next time, on ST:TCG
"The drewid strikes again."
Next time, on ST:TCG...
The drewid, who is supposed to be studying for a computer science exam, has
secretly replaced the coffee you are used to drinking...no no no! Let's
try that again. The drewid has secretly sneaked back to her computer and
is typing ST:TCG episodes! Will she EVER give up and go back to studying?
Will she be merciful to Ensign Quixote and stop making him read these
senseless, inane episodes? Will the Admiral get so sick of the episodes
being written by the drewid and captain hj (who likes the sound of that)
that he will simply stop counting and make short episodes obscelete? find
out, next time on
STAAAAAAR TREK: THE SHORT-EPISODES-FROM-HELL GENERATION
----------------
Date: Wed, 8 May 91 23:35:58 edt
From: "someone now holds the key (Russell, Kerri)"
Subject: ST:TCG
On the next howling episode:
"Twins"
Captain half japanese meets a stranger who claims to be her long lost twin
brother! Odd, they don't look anything alike...He doesn't look Japanese...then
again neither does she....What's going on??? Was this a genetic experiment
producing accidentally producing twins--a superhuman and a wimp??? If so, is
half japanese the wimp or the superhuman??? And why is her twin such a dog???
Find out the answers to these questions and the next split episode of star
Trek the crouton generation
----------------
Date: Thu, 9 May 91 00:39:42 -0400
From: ender2@husc9.harvard.edu (Matt Ender)
Subject: ST:TCG short
"Homogenous Transforms"
A new species of creatures are discovered during an exploratory mission in
the LMC. They are called 'Homogenous Transforms'. They are cute, small,
nearly flat, and are comprised of sixteen equal segments.
Kabeta: Their ship is disabled. We'll have to bring them to the nearest
Starbase.
Hutchings: Awww... aren't they sweet little things?
Ender: (in his thoughts) Why does this remind me of grading Math 21B?
BUT... on route to the Starbase, the crew discover that the Transforms
feed on the verticies defining the outside of things, by mapping them through
Homogenous space (a 4-d world that collapses to 3-d every now and then)
to a random point in the Universe? Will the shields hold up when the
hull's surface area reaches one square parsec? Will 'inny' belly-buttons
suddenly turn up everywhere? Will the crew be able to trace the verticies
through space to map everything where it ought to go again? Will they save
themselves before Friday at 5, the time when the project is due?
Find out in the next mathematical episode of Star Trek:
the Crouton Generation
----------------
Date: Thu, 09 May 91 00:09:26 EDT
From: "I love italian. And so do you."
Subject: ST:TCG bland attempt number one
Coming soon to a screen near you:
"Festering Wounds"
With his honour at stake, the canine squire Sancho Panza bites Captain
half japanese on the leg for her remark that he is a wimp. Will she
survive the attack, will anyone come to her aid, and--most importantly--
did she enjoy it? Find out on the next boring episode of
STAAAAARR TREK: THE ---OUCH!!!!!....stop that!.....
----------------
Date: Thu, 9 May 91 16:23 EDT
From: "Gilliam, Suzanne"
Subject: ST:TCG THE DAY THE USS MELBOURNE STOOD STILL
Scene 1
In a long-distance shot we see the USS Melbourne cruising leisurely through
space. Cut to a shot of the bridge. Most of the crew is sitting back in
the comfy chairs dozing. Some are lazily turning knobs and dials or
tapping their feet to the music coming through their headphones (courtesy
of the drewid, of course). Lt. Hoke is curled up in Captain Muirden's lap
playing with her yo yo. (Quite a tranquil scene so far, eh?) Cut to a
shot of the music centre. The drewid and Casanova are playing a game of
live chess (with that neato chessboard you saw in Star Wars). The drewid
keeps yawning and making rather stupid moves, but she is too lazy to care.
Even Casanova keeps falling asleep. It's one of those days.
drewid: (yawning) Casanova, whose move is it?
Casanova: zzzzzzzz...huh? Oh, mine, I think.
He calmly takes one of the drewid's little green monsters with one of his
big blue monsters.
drewid: (without a lot of enthusiasm) Rats.
Commander Larkin strolls into the room, looking bored.
Larkin: Hi drewid. (looking at the chess board) Who's winning?
drewid: (yawning) Couldn't tell ya. Anything exciting going on at the
Bridge?
Larkin: Nope. Nothing's going on anywhere. It's almost too good to be
true.
Typically, just as the words are out of his mouth, a siren starts wailing.
Larkin: I said ALMOST!!
The Melbourne stops short as if it has hit some sort of asteroid. Chess
pieces, furniture, Larkin and the drewid go flying. They land against a
far wall, with drewid falling heavily on top of the commander.
Larkin: Really, drewid, I hardly think this is the time...
A heavy music catalog crashes into the wall above Larkin's head, obscuring
the rest of his sentence. A few moments later, the shaking stops. The
drewid and Larkin pick themselves up as the dust is settling, and survey
the damage.
drewid: What a mess! Casanova, are you all right?
Casanova: Whew! Yeah, I'm all right. Just a bit shaken up.
drewid: Any damage to your programming circuits?
Casanova: Not as far as I can tell.
drewid: Good.
Muirden[ic]: drewid? Larkin? Are you two o.k.?
drewid: (tapping the [ic] button) Fine, Captain. This place is a mess,
though. What happened?
Muirden[ic]: Don't know. The ship just sort of "stopped."
drewid and Larkin: STOPPED?
drewid: Great. JUST great. So now what do we do?
Muirden[ic]: Um.....well....
Suddenly, the ship jerks backwards. It begins moving slowly in the
direction from which it came.
drewid: Uh, Captain?
Muirden[ic]: (shouting) I KNOW! I KNOW!
drewid and Larkin run to the Bridge. The tranquil scene from a few moments
before has become chaos. The floor is cluttered with paper. Lt. Hoke is
frantically punching buttons on the console, and panicking.
Hoke: Captain! We seem to be caught in some sort of tractor beam!
Muirden: O.k., wait a minute. This is right out of Star Wars.
drewid: Star Wars or not, we'd better figure out what's going on.
Muirden: (sarcastically) Why don't we just get a copy of the video tape
and find out what happens next?
drewid: That's Spaceballs, Captain.
Muirden: Oh. Well, does anyone have any bright ideas?
drewid: Yes, as a matter of fact, I do.
Larkin: (mumbling) That figures.
drewid: Kerry, would you please punch up the back view screen?
Hoke: "Back view screen." Real technological.
drewid: (sighing) Just do it, please.
Kerry punches up the "back view screen", and we see...nothing!
drewid: O.k., so where's the tractor beam coming from?
Suddenly, she remembers the last episode of the Oil Wars trilogy in which
the Chivalier used its "stealth" mode to render itself invisible to normal
scanners.
The drewid hits the inter-ship communications button, and says
drewid: All right, very funny. Geez, and I thought WE were bored!
Captain hj appears on the screen in front of her. The rest of the crew of
the Subaru is behind her, rolling on the floor in hysterics.
hj: Ha ha ha ha ha. Fooled you, didn't we?
drewid: Very amusing, captain. VERY funny. Now how about letting us go
before we have to do something nasty like using crouton torpedos
to release the tractor beam?
hj: All right, drewid. No need to get crabby.
The Subaru releases its "stealth" mode and the Melbourne. The Subaru
reappears off the starboard side of the Melbourne.
hj: O.k., there it is! Now, everybody, WAVE!!
The crew of the Subaru waves frantically at the crew of the Melbourne,
shouting "hi! hi! hi!".
drewid: Yikes. Now we KNOW it's finals time.
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