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The Crouton Generation Archives
STAR TREK: THE CROUTON GENERATION
SEASON THREE
Episodes #118-130
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Date: Thu, 9 May 91 16:53:15 -0400
From: ender2@husc9.harvard.edu (Matt Ender)
Subject: ST:TCG short
"Ninety-Nine Thousand, Eight Hundred Thirty Eight"
When Matt Ender writes his graphics program for the Academy, he tests
it on a file description of a goblet. Unfortunately, the complexity
of the features he is adding (or is it the HVR virus) causing the resulting
image to have 99,838 colors. As the machines can only handle 256 colors,
they complain. So the color compressor is called into play. How long
does it take to compress 99,838 colors into 256 colors on a 1024 x 768
image? (P.S. As I'm writing, longer than six minutes on a mainframe...)
Find out on the next episode of Star Trek: The Crouton Generation,
(Scene: A computer terminal room. Matt is sitting in one of his
specially-deisgned 'catbird' seats in front of an xterm Mark 29. He
has a bored expression on his face. He brings up his mail. And reads it.
And waits. And writes an episode. And waits. [We hold this scene, if
not the viewers' interest, until the compression finishes.] The load on
the machine slowly rises, as Matt's process takes up more and more cycles.
He waits. Then he brings up his mail window again, and starts to write an
episode. Several minutes later, he is at this point in the episode. He's
not going to finish the episode until the compression routine gives him
back his image. This might take a while. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.... The
scene goes black, and fades in again with the clock moved 10 minutes forward.
[all right, all right, I'll stop subjecting you to this] The scene
mercifuly fades to black) leaving us with the questions: Will the compression
_ever_ finish? Will the Ranchers cause the Academy computer to run around
in little circles, going 'ni-ni-nih! ni-ni-nih!' and taking Luton by storm?
Find out in the next (no, it still hasn't finished, and it's been running
for 15 minutes now...) dreadfully boring episode of Star Trek: The Crouton
Generation.
--------------
Date: Thu, 9 May 91 20:15 EDT
From: "Gilliam, Suzanne"
Subject: ST:TCG THE PRESENT, PART II
Scene 1
Aboard the USS Melbourne, everyone is busily attending to the daily chores
of running a starship. Even the drewid has stopped being bored long enough
to sift through the new musical selections which have just arrived.
Suddenly, on the Bridge...
Lt. Hoke: Captian, someone's croutonizing aboard!
Muirden: Where from?
Lt. Hoke: (surprised) From the Subaru! Why, it's...
Quixote: Greetings, all!
drewid: Dave! What are you doing here?
Quixote: (kissing her hand) Greetings, milady. What a pleasure it is to
be in your presence once again.
drewid: (to Muirden) Now THERE's a guy who knows how to treat a lady with
respect.
Muirden: (predictably) Lady? I don't...
The drewid gives him a nasty look, and he breaks off his sentence with a
laugh.
Muirden: So, Quixote, what's new? On another vacation, are you?
Quixote: No, milord. Queen half japanese has merely permitted me a few
hours leisure time, as she is busy studying some ancient Japanese
scrolls. It appears that she must memorize them. By order of
the king.
Muirden: (to drewid) The King?
drewid: I think he means the Admiral.
Quixote: I did offer to memorize them in her stead, but she refused! She
even went so far as to hint that...ahem... that I (looking
ashamed) am something of a hindrance to her.
drewid: Oh, I'm sure she didn't mean it, Dave. She always gets stressed
around finals t...I mean, she likes to be left alone when she's
studying. (to Muirden) hj must've been even less subtle than
usual, if he got the point!
Quixote: Yes, well, in any case, I am here to place my sword at your
disposal, milady. (to Muirden) Oh, and at yours as well, milord.
drewid: Well, at least he's got his priorities straight.
Muirden: Shut up, lieutenant. Or should I say "ENSIGN"?
drewid: Ahem. Come on, Dave. You can help me in the music centre.
Quixote: Coming, milady. Come, Sancho.
drewid: Come who??
Quixote: Now, where did he go? My servant, Sancho Panza.
Sancho croutonizes in.
Quixote: There you are, Sancho. Milords and ladies, may I present Sancho
Panza. Sancho, do try to show some respect for these gentlefolk.
drewid: (to Muirden) It's a DOG!
Muirden: (to drewid) I can see that, thank you drewid.
Sancho: ruff! bow-wow, ruff!
Quixote: Don't be rude, Sancho.
drewid: (sighs) Come on, Dave.
Quixote: Sancho, get the door!
Sancho tries to reach the button that will open the door (these not being
those neato sliding doors that open whenever someone approaches, like on
ST:TNG) but is nowhere near tall enough. He jumps several times, but
always misses by at least three feet.
drewid: Awwww. Poor thing.
She picks him up. Sancho lies in her arms panting from all the exertion.
drewid: Let's see if Lt. drewid can find you a nice bowl of water.
Quixote: He shall have no refreshment if he cannot perform his duties.
drewid: (ignoring him) I'll be in the music centre, captain.
Muirden: Very well.
drewid carries Sancho out, followed closely by Dave Quixote who is
complaining about how hard it is to find good help these days.
Scene 2
Lt. Cdr. Savan enters, doing a routine inspection. Lt. drewid is sitting
in front of the console with Sancho on her lap. Dave Quixote is sitting
off in a corner, looking out of sorts.
Savan: (whispering, to drewid) What's wrong with Dave?
drewid: (also whispering) He's jealous because Sancho's getting more
attention than he is. He's been sitting in that corner for
over an hour.
Quixote: (muttering) Wait 'til I get you home, lazy peasant!
drewid: Dave, would you please deliver a message for me?
Quixote: (jumping up) Certainly, milady!
drewid: Go tell Counselor Eliana that I think I may be able to get her
that program she wanted by tomorrow. Got that?
Quixote: Yes, milady. (He runs off to deliver the message.)
Savan: Why didn't you just buzz her over the intercom?
drewid: He likes to run errands. Anyway, I hated to see him just sitting
there.
Savan: You love it when he visits, don't you?
drewid: Who wouldn't love being treated like a queen for a few hours?
Besides, he's good company.
Savan: Well, I'll leave you alone then. Carry on, drewid.
The drewid, after making sure Savan is out of the room, goes back to work
on the program she has promised the Counselor. A few moments later, Dave
returns.
Quixote: She says "thank you," milady.
drewid: Thank you, Dave.
Suddenly, Casanova pipes up.
Casanova: Ensign Quixote, Captain half japanese says it's time for you to
come home.
drewid: Awwww. Oh, well. It was nice seeing you again, Dave.
Quixote: A pleasure for me as well, milady. Fare thee well.
drewid: Goodbye, Dave. (to herself) You know, I'm gonna miss that clown.
Sancho looks up at the drewid.
drewid: Yes, I know, Sancho. I'll miss you too. Time to go home now.
She releases Sancho, and he runs after Dave. The drewid sighs deeply.
drewid: You know, I never realize how nice it is to be around all these
lunatics until it's time for us all to go home. Oh, well.
There'll be another season.
--------------
Date: Fri, 10 May 91 12:35:04 -0400
From: donaghey@husc9.harvard.edu (Thomas Donaghey)
Subject: TCG episode (short)
On the next episode of Star Trek: The Crouton Generation:
"Job Offer"
USS Heisenberg's chief engineer gets an unusual job offer.
Voice: Ah, er, well, yes, this is the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation, Mr.
McDonagh, and we'd like to offer you a cushy Engineering R&D position.
McDonagh: Er, how did you get my name?
Voice: Oh, quite simple. Our contact at Douglas Adams University identified
you as a bit of a high-flyer, and pointed to your degrees in both
engineering and silliness as more than suitable.
McDonagh: ...Ah. I see.
Voice: Needless to say, we're willing to make you an exceedingly rich man.
Will McDonagh fall prey to the corporate clutches of perhaps the most insi-
dious, probably the most incompetent (at least in marketing research) and al-
most certainly the most financially successful of all Galactic enterprises?
Will he use the offer to bolster his own creativity? Will Ensign Thokk ever
get the (Sirius Cybernetics Corporation-made) food machine to give him some-
thing he considers even remotely edible? Will the Universe ever be the same
again? Or will McDonagh simply turn them down and go off to brew himself a
cup of *real* tea?
Find out--if you dare--on the next episode of Star Trek: The Crouton Generation!
Lt. Cdr. McDonagh USS Heisenberg Silly Support and Chief Engineer
donaghey@husc9.harvard.edu "Do I LOOK like I know what I'm doing?!"
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Date: Fri, 10 May 91 13:00:50 -0400
From: donaghey@husc9.harvard.edu (Thomas Donaghey)
Subject: TCG Episode (short)
On the next mythical episode of Star Trek: The Crouton Generation:
"The Dog Day's Journey Into Knight"
[Ten Forward, USS Heisenberg; McDonagh and Kabeta sitting at a table]
McDonagh: Captain, how many canine crewmates do you know of on _Salad_-class
ships? Offhand?
Kabeta: Not too many. -Mmm, there's the dog of what's-his-name--Quixote.
Name of Sancho Panza, I think. Odd name for a dog.
McDonagh: From Cervantes?
Kabeta: Could be. I honestly don't know. Any particular reason for your
curiosity?
McDonagh: Just that there's a dog by that name somewhere in the Fleet psionic
enough to send messages clear across space, though for some reason he
doesn't seem to be able to acknowledge my responses. Fiendishly pissed
off at someone or something called Cervantes, too, and given the name
I thought that might be his home. Very strange all round, but this is
even stranger: I do not believe he is exactly as he seems.
Kabeta: What do you mean?
McDonagh: I wish I knew. But I don't think he's an ordinary dog, even though he
does. I get the feeling there's something very weird about him, and it
bothers me that I can't pinpoint it.
Kabeta: Hm. Well, I'll mention it to his captain. Maybe he's noticed something.
Does Sancho have an even stranger past than Quixote? How does he come by his
strange quasi-psionic skills? Is he even aware that he is sending telepathic
messages? And can Starfleet piece together the pieces of the puzzle before it's
too late? Find out--on the next episode of
Star Trek: The Crouton Generation.
Sancho [quite obviously asleep and dreaming, while assorted dog food, chew stix
and doggie treats circle _above_his_head_]: Kibbles and bits, Kibbles
and bits, I'm going to get me some Kibbles and bits...
Lt. Cdr. McDonagh USS Heisenberg Silly Support and Chief Engineer
donaghey@husc9.harvard.edu "Do I LOOK like I know what I'm doing?!"
--------------
Date: Fri, 10 May 91 13:40:07 edt
From: "someone now holds the key (Russell, Kerri)"
Subject: ST:TCG
on the next episode...
"Testing Our Patients"
Starfleet decides that it is necessary to force all officers to take several
tests to see how much they remember from their acadamy days and to see if
they can still survive the stress caused by studying to much and sleeping to
little...Will the Croutons pass their tests??? Or will they *finally* give
up??? Who will lose the most hair??? Find out, as the Croutons use cafeine to
survive...
--------------
Date: Fri, 10 May 91 14:01:35 edt
From: "someone now holds the key (Russell, Kerri)"
Subject: ST:TCG *wow*
On the next one...
"ARGH"
As more and more Croutons write episodes half japanese starts to worry...Will
someone write more than her??? Who will win the seasons race??? And when will
that long episode ever get done??? Will half japanese make the winner of the
race do push ups??? Or will the winner be a higher ranking officer and make
half japanese do push ups???? and how many ???marks does half japanese use an
episode????? the answer to these questions and many many others won't be
answerd in the next thrilling episode as the Croutons live for their *write*
to survive
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Date: Fri, 10 May 91 14:08:57 edt
From: "someone now holds the key (Russell, Kerri)"
Subject: ST:TCG *short*
On the surprisingly next episode of Star Trek: the Crouton Generation...
"Linked to the Solution"
Captain half japanese is suddenly amazed that transmissions are actually
getting through today in approximately ***5 min**** Is this just a fluke???
What's going on???? and will half japanese **ever** get around to opening her
geo notebook for the final tomorrow????? These questions will be lauged at on
the next episode as the Croutons are *rocked* to sleep, and must dream to
survive...
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Date: Fri, 10 May 91 14:19:46 edt
From: "someone now holds the key (Russell, Kerri)"
Subject: ST:TCG
On the next episode
"Feed Me"
As the various members of the various crews start stressing out in their own
various ways, large quantiies of various foods are being consumed. If each
Captain eats 5 lbs. of food and the Commanders each eat 30lbs. and the Lt.
Commanders and Lt. each eat 3 lbs. and the Ensigns each eat 20lbs., then who
weighed the food??? Does that figure include Chocolate??? If not, then why is
half japanese hiding chocolate??? Are non-sequitors blue, and therefore the
computer is off?????? sigh. Find out the answers to these and manyother
questions on Star Trek: The Chocolate Generation...
--------------
Date: Fri, 10 May 91 14:26:37 edt
From: "someone now holds the key (Russell, Kerri)"
Subject: ST:TCG
On the next thrilling episode....
"The Bear"
A bear is found wandering the _Subaru_. What are it's intentions??? Is it
evil??? And who is the first to figure out that bears just want hugs??? Find
out next time on the loving episode of Star Trek: The Cuddle Generation
--------------
Date: Fri, 10 May 91 12:35:29 -0600
From: harvey@tramp (D'Arc Tangent)
Subject: Star Trek: The Overmailed Generation...
Next time -
"Errant Episodes"
COmmander Tangent, who has just returned from a long 'mental health break' on
some lost world that no one really cares about, sees that Half Japaneese is
terrorizing her own crew, and the crew of other ships with meaningless episodes.
So, in a effort to alliviate this problem for a short time, he telnet..er...t
transports over to her ship. Will he make it? Will she be there? Does it matter?
Does anyone care? Who knows...
Next time on: STAR TREK: The *knowing* generation.
--------------
Date: Fri, 10 May 91 14:56:58 edt
From: "Fields, Justin"
Subject: ST:TCG
On the next episode:
"(L)using It"
As lusers in the Computer Rooms get more and more ignorant (which is barely
possible, considering where they started) the Almighty Crouton Generation
Consultants get more and more fed up. The questions get worse. Tempers flare...
Blond Sorority Bimbo: Are you the consultant?
Consultant: Yes. (No, I am sitting here for the fun of it at 2:00 am!)
BSB: Well, like, my computer doesn't work.
C: Really? (Dripping sarcasm.) What seems to be the problem?
BSB: I put my disks in and it doesn't work. I mean, I always use these
these computers and I did *everything* right. It just sits there and
nothing happens. Nothing comes up on the screen.
C: (Walking to the luser's computer, an IBM clone) Well lets see...
BSB: You should put a sign on it saying, "Broken Computer, do not use!" This
school is cheap! We should get some *real* computers.
C: (Straight-faced) Oh. This is very serious. (Removes the disk, turns it
over, and reinserts it. Also turns on the monitor. Hits "Reset".)
BSB: (As the computer reboots properly.) Oh.
C: (Cheery, sarcastic, plastic smile.) Have a nice day.
The war rages on. Who will live and who will die?
Stay tuned for the next Star Trek: The Axe Murderer Generation!!!!!
--------------
>From reidj@tramp Wed May 1 13:21:22 1991
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Date: Wed, 1 May 91 13:20:55 -0600
From: reidj@tramp (Crossfire)
Message-Id: <9105011920.AA17184@tramp.Colorado.EDU>
To: junk@typhoon.UCAR.EDU
Subject: ST:TCG "Legal Rites" teaser
Status: R
Next time, on an All-New Episode of Star Trek: The Crouton Generation--
"Legal Rites"
(With a tip o' the keyboard to Isaac Asimov and Frederick Pohl)
Strange occurances plague a Federation colony...
[We can see a nice house, with a pretty woman unpacking her dishes.
Suddenly a large plate sails across the room and shatters against the
wall. She screams.]
[FLASH cut to show a very upset man hollering at Crouton from the
viewscreen.]
Man: You've got to do something!
Will the Croutons solve the mystery in time...
[In engineering, we see Soraya, Susan Parker, and Jez working on a field
projector.]
Soraya: Do you think it's Nyarlathotep?
[FLASH cut to show Soraya outside on a planet somewhere, in the dark. She
shines her handlight out into the shadows and we can see a vaguely humanoid
misty white shape in the darkness.]
Shape: Get off our planet!
...Or will they have to answer to the bar?
[FLASH again show a young man on the viewscreen.]
Man2: They're suing for the right to haunt their planet.
[FLASH to show stock footage of the bridge under Red Alert, rocking and
rolling as if under attack in slow motion.]
A ghostly mystery on the next exciting episode of Star Trek: The
Crouton Generation!
-----
Date: Wed, 1 May 91 13:22:41 -0600
From: reidj@tramp (Crossfire)
Subject: ST:TCG "Legal Rites"
"Legal Rites" Part One
(With a tip o' the keyboard to Frederick Pohl and Isaac Asimov)
Guest Stars JoBeth Williams as April Smith
Craig T. Nelson as Duane Smith
Peter Scolari Nichols
Jack Nicholson as the voice of Xian
Music by John Williams
Produced by John Carpenter
Directed by Tobe Hooper
[Exterior, space. We see a single earth-like (but not Earth) planet
in orbit around a yellow sun. We move in and then see...
Exterior, what is clearly a colony: temporary buildings, and a few
more permanent ones. A cargo shuttle has just landed, and we can see
the colonists unloading things from it. The view swings across the
colony, and centers on a single home. We move forward and...
Interior, Smith home. We see April Smith unpacking silverware in
the kitchen. Crates litter the area, which is a combined kitchen and
dining-room. Behind her we can see a large antique mahogany table, and
an antique hutch with fine china in it.
April moves over to a drawer and starts to put away some forks. Behind
her the hutch vibrates slightly, then starts to rattle violently. April
turns in time to see the doors of the hutch pop open and a large serving
plate fly out of the hutch and smash against the wall next to her. She
screams.
Another plate flies out of the hutch, smashing against the ceiling, as if
thrown by invisible hands. The glass doors to the hutch shatter, and
then the whole thing tips over, striking the mahogany dinner table,
which collapses. April screams and runs from the room.]
[Exterior, space. We see the same planet as before, except this time
the _Croutonprize_ moves into orbit.]
"Captain's Log, stardate 36821316.4. The _Croutonprize_ has been
ordered to the archaeology colony on planet Nekoosa 3 to investigate
the strange disturbances that have been plagueing the scientists there.
Reports have been coming in from the colony of strange ocurrances,
including unexplained psychokinetic events."
[Interior, _Croutonprize_ bridge.]
Chuang: Standard orbit.
Crouton: Open a hailing frequency.
Gretzky: Open.
Crouton: This is Captain Christopher Crouton of the USS _Croutonprize_
calling Nekoosa Colony, come in, please.
[A pause, then the screen switches to show Duane Smith in his home. The
place is a shambles: upended furniture and broken crockery litter the
floor, the wall is dented and broken in several places, and it doesn't
look like there's an unbroken piece of glass in the place.]
Duane: This is Duane Smith, administrator of the colony. Thank God
you're here. This is driving us nuts!
[Something silver goes whizzing across the screen behind Duane. April
goes running after it.]
April: No!
[Off screen we hear a loud crash. Duane turns to see, winces, then turns
back to face the screen.]
Crouton: What was that?
Duane: That was my grandmother's antique silver candelabra. Can you
send someone down here to help us?
Crouton: We'll do what we can. I'll send down an Away Team immediately.
_Croutonprize_ out. [He turns to look at Soraya, who is above at
Science Station One, with Jez.] Soraya, are the sensors detecting
anything?
Soraya: There's alot of focussed electromagnetic turbulence down there,
like someone was operating a thousand highly-tuned tractor beams.
I don't understand it.
Crouton: Is there a pattern to the turbulence?
Jez: Meow prurrup. [Can't tell from here.]
Crouton: Okay...Number One, form an Away Team. Go see what's going
on down there.
Highlander: Aye, sir. Soraya, Jez, Gretzky. Doctor Icefalcon and
Lieutenant Wizzar, please report to Croutonizer Room One for
Away Team duty.
[Exterior, Nekoosa 3. The Away Team materializes. Duane and April
walk up.]
Duane: Am I ever glad to see you. This place is a madhouse! You've
got to do something.
Highlander: We'll do our best, sir. Give us a chance to check
everything out.
Soraya: Is there anyplace that seems to have the most...activity?
April: Yes...our house.
Soraya: Can we see it?
April: Please.
[April, Soraya, and Jez move off.]
Icefalcon: Mr. Smith, do your people need any medical help?
Duane: No. There haven't been any injuries yet. But there have been
some close calls, though.
Wizzar [examining tricorder]: Sir, there's alot of that focussed
electromagnetic activity. It seems to be everywhere.
Duane: Yes. When we first surveyed the planet, we detected some minor
fluctuations in the ambient field intensity, but since we started
to arrive it's gotten much stronger.
Highlander: I hate to say this, but maybe you should start plans for
an evacuation.
Duane: We can't do that! This is our home now. You can't expect us
to leave.
Highlander: Well, just as a contingency plan, perhaps.
Wizzar: Wow! Look at this!
[His tricorder is bleeping loudly, so is Gretzky's.]
Gretzky: This could be serious...it looks like it's peaking...
[We hear a loud crash from one of the nearby buildings, and a scream.]
Duane: April! [He runs toward the commotion.]
[Interior, Smith house. April and Soraya are standing in the demolished
livingroom; Jez is shivering in Soraya's arms, burrowing his head into
her shoulder. We can see that the entire kitchen ceiling has collapsed.
Duane, Highlander, et. al. come running in.]
Duane: What happened?
April: It just collapsed.
Soraya: It almost got Jez, too
Highlander: This is starting to get out of hand. Mr. Smith, I want
you to organize an evacuation.
Duane: Surely you can't be serious.
Highlander: I am serious...and don't call me Shirley.
Gretzky [sarcastically]: Buh-dum-bum.
Duane: We won't leave here...
Highlander: This is only temporary, Mr. Smith, until we can find out
what's going on here.
April: Duane, maybe it would be a good idea.
Duane [reluctantly]: Okay. Give me an hour.
[Interior, _Croutonprize_ briefing room. Crouton, Highlander, Soraya,
a rather shaken-looking Jez, Wizzar, and Lt. Parker are all sitting.
Enter Gretzky and Duane Smith, who move to the remaining two seats.]
Crouton: Mr. Smith, welcome aboard. I only wish it were under better
circumstances.
Duane: So do I, captain.
Gretzky: The colonists have been assigned temporary quarters, sir.
Crouton: Excellent. Mr. Smith, I've asked you to sit in on this briefing
because I believe it might be of interest to you. Soraya?
Soraya: We think we might have a way to help you.
Duane: Really?
Soraya: Yes. Based on our recent experiences with a supernatural entity
called Nyarlathotep, I think we can protect your people.
Parker: In fact, we may already have the equipment built.
Crouton: The field projector you used on R'Lyeh.
Soraya: Right. We think we can tune the harmonics of the projection to
cancel out the effects on the planet...not keep them out, just
counteract them.
Parker: It will take us a few more hours to build new projectors, since
we're going to need several of them to protect the entire colony.
Crouton: Very well, then, proceed.
[Soraya and Parker get up to leave. When she's almost through the door,
Soraya notices that Jez isn't following her. She turns.]
Soraya: Jez?
Jez [starting]: Mprrrp? [Hmmm?]
Soraya: Will you be joining us?
Jez: Meow mrow. [Of course.]
[Together they leave.]
[Interior, Engineering. Parker, Soraya, and Jez are all hard at work on
a field projector.]
Parker: There. That should shift the nutonals properly.
Jez [thoughtfully]: Meow meow mrow. [Maybe we shouldn't be doing this.]
Soraya: Why not? Jez, you haven't been yourself since we got back.
What's wrong?
Jez: Meow...mrow mrowlp meow purrrup. [It's just that...I think there's
an intelligence at work on the planet.]
Soraya: Is it Nyarlathotep?
Jez: Mew. [No.]
Soraya: Then what?
Jez: Meow. [Never mind.]
[He gets back to work.]
[Interior, bridge. Crouton and Duane are back next to Science Station 2.]
Soraya [ic]: We're just about ready down here, sir.
Crouton: No hurry.
Parker [ic]: Okay. We're done.
Crouton: Activate.
Gretzky: Field projectors activated. Nutonals shifting....electromagnetic
activity within the colony's perimeter has stopped.
Soraya [ic]: All quiet down here, sir.
Crouton: Very good, Soraya. Stand by. [He looks at Duane.] We're
going to keep our team down there for 24 hours, to make sure that
there aren't any problems. Then we'll let you and your colonists
return.
Duane: Excellent, captain. I can't thank you enough for this.
Crossfire: We aim to please.
Crouton: But we're only protecting your colony...in order to expand,
you'll have to make more field projectors. That's hardly....
practical.
Duane: Well, at least we'll be able to continue our archaeological
research.
Crouton: Indeed. Well, we'll see how things turn out.
[Exterior, Nekoosa colony. It's dark. Soraya is checking one of the
field projectors. She hears something off in the dark, decides it was
her imagination, then gets back to work. She hears it again and picks
up her handlight, shining it out in the darkness.]
Soraya: Who's there?
[A voice answers her.]
Voice: You can't do this to us.
Soraya: Who are you? Where are you?
[A misty white form starts to appear in the shadows. It is vaguely
humaniod in shape. The voice is coming from it.]
Voice: You have no rights here. This is our planet.
Soraya: Who are you?
Voice: Get off our planet!
[Exterior, _Croutonprize_. It's still in orbit around Nekoosa.]
"Captain's log, 36821317.1. It would appear that our plan to protect
the colony has worked. But there is a complication...apparently the
entire planet is haunted by the spirits of the previous inhabitants."
[Interior, _Croutonprize_ briefing room. Crouton, Soraya, Jez, Duane,
April and Highlander are all present.]
Duane: No. Absolutely not! These aren't people we're talking about
here...they're ghosts! They don't even need a place to live
any more. They're not alive!
Crouton: Please, Mr. Smith, be reasonable...
Duane: I am, captain. It's you who are being ridiculous.
[The comm boops.]
Gretzky [ic]: Bridge to Captain Crouton. There's a Federation
Courier coming into sensor range at maximum warp, eta fifteen
minutes.
Crouton: Hail them, Mr. Gretzky.
Gretzky [ic]: On screen.
[The screen blinks on, showing a young man.]
Nichols [ss]: Captain Crouton, I'm Jeff Nichols. I've been sent by
the Federation Adjutant Division. I'll be arriving in a few
minutes. Can you be ready to see me?
Crouton: Of course, Mr. Nichols. But...why are you coming here?
Nichols [ss]: Well, it would seem a Nekoosian made contact with the
Federation Council last night, Captain. They're suing for the
right to haunt their planet.
---------------
Date: Thu, 9 May 91 18:33:52 -0600
From: reidj@tramp (Crossfire)
Subject: ST:TCG "Legal Rites" part 2
Sorry this was so long in coming. For those of you who have forgotten,
the story so far: The _Croutonprize_ was sent to the planet Nekoosa
because the new colonists there were having some problems with supernatural
activities. Soraya and Susan managed to modify the electromagnetic field
projectors used against Nyarlathotep to nullify the electromagnetic
activity of the ghosts in the colony. The ghosts responded by suing the
Federation for the right to exist unmolested on their own planet.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
"Legal Rites" Part Two
(With a tip o' the keyboard to Frederick Pohl and Isaac Asimov)
Guest Stars JoBeth Williams as April Smith
Craig T. Nelson as Duane Smith
Peter Scolari as Nichols
Jack Nicholson as the voice of Xian
Richard Dystart as Judge MacKenzie
James Woods as Unger
Music by John Williams
Produced by John Carpenter
Directed by Tobe Hooper
"Captain's Log, supplemental. The arrival of Jeff Nichols from the
Federation adjutant division has thrown a left-handed spanner in the
works. It would seem that the entire planet Nekoosa is...haunted...
by the spirits of its previous civilization, and they are suing the
Federation for the right to haunt their own planet. This could have
far-reaching implications, but right now I am more concerned as to what
to do with over a hundred displaced colonists."
[Interior, Croutonprize briefing room. Crouton, Duane, Nichols,
Highlander, Parker and Soraya are all there.]
Duane: Captain, you can't let this happen.
Nichols: Mr. Smith, Captain Crouton doesn't have any choice. Neither
do you, for that matter.
Duane: How can you do this? They're not even alive! Let them go off
to heaven, or wherever it is that dead people go.
Nichols: Perhaps spirits stay around more than we think. Nonetheless,
they do have to be heard. And the hearing will convene in one hour.
Judge MacKenzie, who came with me, will preside. Mr. Smith, do you
have any need of representation?
Duane: We have our own representative. His name is Jim Unger; he is one
of our colonists, and he has had some law training.
Nichols: Excellent. In one hour, then.
Duane: I still say this is absurd.
Soraya [rolling her eyes]: Believe me, there's no need for you to repeat
yourself.
[Nichols exits.]
Duane: What are we going to do?
Crouton: You'll have to stay aboard the _Croutonprize_ until this is
decided. Then, maybe you'll be allowed to return to your homes. If
not, perhaps we can find a suitable nearby world for you to colonize...
Duane [rising angrily]: We do not want to move. We like it here.
Crouton: Yes, well...
Duane: And we intend to stay. [He leaves.]
Crouton: Great. Why does this sort of thing always happen to us?
[Interior, courtroom. It's the same adjudiary setup that we've seen before
in ST:TNG "The Measure of a Man", with three tables all in a triangular
arrangement, and a witness chair. Sitting at the plaintiff's table is
Nichols, at the defense's table is Unger and Duane Smith, and at the
judge's table is Judge MacKenzie.
[MacKenzie strikes the table with an old-fashioned gavel.]
MacKenzie: This hearing is now opened. The plaintiffs are the collective
...people of the planet Nekoosa...
Unger: Objection. The plaintiffs are not people. They are noncorporeal
entities.
MacKenzie: Er...What difference does it make?
Unger: Well, unless they can prove otherwise, the plaintiffs are not
people. This forms the central part of the defense's arguments.
MacKenzie: Very well. The plaintiffs are the collective entities of the
planet Nekoosa who are suing for the right to remain undisturbed and
alone on their own planet. The defendants are the colonists of the
same planet. The council for the plaintiffs may begin.
Nichols [rising]: The plaintiffs call Duane Smith to the stand as a
hostile witness.
[Duane takes the stand.]
Nichols: Mr. Smith, how long have you and your fellow colonists been on
the planet Nekoosa?
Duane: We've been on the planet for four weeks.
Nichols: And have you had any problems?
Duane: You know we've had problems.
Nichols: For the record, please state them.
Duane: We've had problems from the start. Important tools have vanished
and then been found broken. Equipment has been smashed. To say
nothing of our dishes.
Nichols: Almost sounds like you weren't very welcome on the planet.
Unger [rising]: Objection!
Nichols: Withdrawn. I have nothing further.
Unger: Request cross-examination.
MacKenzie: Proceed.
Unger: Mr. Smith, you said you and the other colonists were on the planet
for four weeks. But wasn't there a survey team there for much longer?
Duane: Uh...yes. There was a six-man survey team there for two weeks
before we even got the okay to come.
Unger: And did they have any problems? Any broken or missing equipment?
Nichols: Objection. Relevance?
Unger: These entities are claiming a sort of 'squatter's rights'. I'm
only attempting to establish if they were there before the colonists.
MacKenzie: Objection overruled.
Duane: They didn't have any problems. At all.
Unger: Nothing further.
MacKenzie: Call your next witness, Mr. Nichols.
Nichols: The council for the plaintiffs calls the...entity...known as
Xian.
MacKenzie: Excuse me?
Nichols: I am calling one of the entities to the stand, your honor. This
directly concerns them, and they are here.
Crouton [standing out in the audience]: Those things are on my ship?
MacKenzie: Order! Very well, Mr. Nichols. I'll allow this. But you're
treading on very thin ice. Does the council for the defense have any
objections?
Unger [smiling like a cat who is about to eat the proverbial canary]: No,
of course not, your honor.
MacKenzie: All right. Proceed, Mr. Nichols.
Nichols: The court calls Xian to take the stand.
[A ghostly figure wavers into appearance on the witness stand. A ripple
of reaction goes through the observers. Soraya takes out a tricorder.]
Nichols: Please state your name.
Xian [in a perfectly understandable voice]: I am known as Xian.
Nichols: How long have you been on the planet Nekoosa?
Xian: I don't know...I've lost count. Well over a thousand years.
Nichols: I see. Can you prove this?
Xian: Well, in response to Mr. Unger's proposition that we are merely
squatters, I can describe in excruciating and embarrasing detail the
survey team that made fools of themselves for two and a half weeks
before the colonists arrive.
Nichols: I'm sure that won't be necessary. Can you tell the court exactly
what it is that you and your friends want?
Xian: We want to be able to stay on our planet in peace. Alone. We don't
want a thriving colony. We just want to be alone.
Nichols: Thank you. I have nothing more at this time.
MacKenzie [eyeing Xian dubiously]: Your witness, Mr. Unger.
Unger [springing up from his chair]: Mr. Xian...
Xian: It's just Xian, if you please.
Unger: Very well. Xian, what are you?
Xian: Excuse me?
Unger: What are you? We know who you are, but we don't know what. Please
elucidate.
Nichols: Objection. Relevance?
MacKenzie: Overruled. I'd like to know. Sit down, Mr. Nichols.
Xian: I, and the rest of my friends, are what are known as Astral Entities.
We exist on both the Astral and the Material planes.
Unger: I daresay. I do daresay. And so do you maintain that you are the
spirit of someone who has died?
Xian: No, sir. I maintain that I am an Astral Entity.
Unger: But were you alive at one time?
Xian: I am alive now.
Unger: You know what I mean.
Xian: I'm afraid I don't
Unger: Are you or are you not a ghost? That is what we call you Astral
Entities.
Xian: I can't help what you call us. We have a few names for your type, too.
Unger [giving up]: Well. Tell me, Xian, can you pass through walls?
Xian: Yes, since I exist outside of the Material.
Unger: And what about energy barriers, like forcefields and the like?
Xian: Those too. By and large, physical barriers mean nothing to me.
Unger: How do we know you're telling us the truth?
Xian: Excuse me?
Unger: Which word didn't you understand?
Xian: I'm telling the truth because I maintain I am.
Unger: Very convenient. Your honor, how do we know Xian is telling the
truth? We can't confine him, he is not subject to our usual methods
of divining the truth...we have no way of knowing. The defense moves
that this case be dismissed because we have no way of verifying the
veracity of these Astral Entities.
Nichols [rising]: Your honor, the Nekoosians can, in fact, be confined.
They can even be killed. Lieutenant Commander Ghiasi and Lieutenant
Parker achieved just that when they started to protect the colony.
MacKenzie [turning to look at Xian]: Is this true?
Xian: It's true. Two of my friends were caught inside the colony when
the field projectors were activated. They were nullified.
MacKenzie: Nullified?
Xian: Killed, I suppose you'd say. As long as those projectors are
activated, we can't enter the colony. Well, we can...but to do so
would kill us.
Unger: How do we know this? Your honor, again, how do we know that he's
telling the truth?
Xian: I think the fact that once the devices were switched on nothing
else happened in the colony speaks for itself, don't you?
MacKenzie [nodding]: Your motion is denied, Mr. Unger. Continue.
Unger [grumbling]: Yes, sir. Xian, how many Astral Entities are there
on Nekoosa?
Xian: I don't really know.
Unger: A round figure, then. More than a hundred? Less than a thousand?
Xian: I'd say probably over a thousand.
Unger: Are they all the ghosts of dead Nekoosians?
Nichols: Objection.
MacKenzie: Sustained. We've been through that already, Mr. Unger.
Unger: Yes, yes. Well, Xian, are there more astral entities than those
on Nekoosa?
Xian: I suppose so. I really don't have any way of knowing.
Unger: Have you ever encountered other entities?
Xian: Yes, I have.
Unger: Prove to the court that you are a Nekoosian.
Nichols: Objection!
Unger: Your honor, we have no way of telling whether Xian is a Nekoosian,
in which case his claim would be legitimate, or merely some wandering
ghost. We don't have any way of identifying him.
Xian: I don't mind answering that question, your honor.
MacKenzie: Very well. Proceed.
Xian: I can prove that I was on Nekoosa before the colonists because I can
describe their activities. Even their private activities. And I can
prove that I've been on Nekoosa for a long time, because I can identify
for the court several archaeological areas of interest that have yet
to be discovered by the colonists.
MacKenzie: All right. The objection is sustained. Move along, Mr. Unger.
Unger: Your honor!
MacKenzie: Move along.
Unger: I have nothing further.
Duane [rising angrily]: What??
MacKenzie: Be seated, Mr. Smith. Xian, you may...step down.
[Xian vanishes, somewhat disconcertingly.]
Nichols: The plaintiffs rest their case.
Unger [dejectedly]: The defense has nothing more to say.
MacKenzie: Oh. How disappointing. This was just getting to be interesting.
Oh well.
Nichols [rising suddenly]: Your honor, my clients have authorized me to make
a counter proposal to the colonists.
MacKenzie: Oh really?
Nichols: They don't mind a small archaeological colony on Nekoosa, but they
don't want a full-scale colonization. And they want free roam of the
colony...so the colonists will have to turn off the electromagnetic
field projectors.
Duane: They'll kill us!
Nichols: No, they won't. As long as you respect their rights as...entities.
and they'll even agree to allow you your privacy.
Duane: How will we know if they are going to keep their word?
Nichols [smiling]: You'll just have to trust them, won't you?
MacKenzie: Mr. Unger, do you find this offer acceptable?
Unger [after whispering to Duane]: Yes, your honor. The defense finds this
acceptable.
Duane [mumbling]: Barely.
MacKenzie: Very well. This hearing rules that the Nekoosians have the right
to exist unmolested and alone on their planet, if they should so desire.
However, they have agreed to allow us to study their planet. The
colonists will deactivate the electromagnetic field projectors at once.
This hearing is adjourned.
[Interior, Ten Forward. Crouton and Nichols are sitting at a table.
Crouton has a root beer, and Nichols has a glass of wine. Highlander
enters and sits down.]
Highlander: The colonists have finished moving back down to the planet,
sir. The field projectors have been dismantled. There haven't been
any reports of problems.
Nichols: There won't be, either. The Nekoosians are a good people. They
just resented the intrusion, and wanted to stop it before it got too
big...
Crouton: As big as a full-blown colony.
Nichols: Exactly.
Highlander: Mr. Nichols, you said the Nekoosians made contact with the
Federation Council.
Nichols: That's true; they did it through me.
Crouton: Through you?
Nichols: That's right. I've known the Nekoosians for a long long time.
Highlander [nonplussed]: You have.
Nichols: Yes. We've been waiting for this ruling for a long time. It
sets a precedent.
Highlander: A precedent?
Crouton [understanding]: Oh, wow. It does.
Nichols: I see the captain understands.
Highlander: I don't. Want to explain it to me?
Nichols: This ruling sets a precedent, Commander. By the full faith and
creedence clause in the Articles of the Federation...a ghost now has
a legal right to haunt a location.
Highlander: So? And I still don't see how you knew the Nekoosians for so
long.
Nichols: Think about it, Commander. You'll understand.
[Nichols swirls the wine in his glass, sniffs it once more, carefully
sets down the glass....
....and vanishes.]
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