STAR TREK: THE CROUTON GENERATION
			  SEASON THREE
			Episodes #165-179
	   (Includes Parts 1-3 of "Time for a Change")
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Sat, 11 May 91 11:05:42 -0600
From: reidj@tramp (Crossfire)
Subject: ST:TCG  "The Red Badge of Croutons"

Next time, on an All-New Episode of Star Trek:  The Crouton Generation--

"The Red Badge of Croutons"

After distinguishing themselves with valor under the barrage of hj's
episodes, the Croutons are all awarded the Red Badge of Croutons.
Buuuuuut will jealousy ruin the celebration?  Will Highlander and Crossfire
have a fight?  Will Counselor Neon be able to resolve the hostilities?
Will Jez the Wonder Kitty be able to find enough Pounce for the duration?
It's envy all around as the Croutons fight to survive on the next exciting
episode of Star Trek:  The Crouton Generation!

-----------------
Date: Sat, 11 May 91 11:09:19 -0600
From: reidj@tramp (Crossfire)
Subject: ST:TCG  "Mary Croutons"

Next time on Star Trek:  The Crouton Generation--

"Mary Croutons"

In response to their advertisement for a nanny, the Gretzkys are paid
a visit by the mysterious English nanny Mary Croutons.  She promises
to stay 'Just until the wind changes,' and proptly begins to pour sugar
all over sickbay while singing and dancing.  Can the Gretzkys survive
this latest trial?  Will Dr. Icefalcon be upset when Mary Croutons
douses him in honey?  And will Missy be able to keep the lights on during
the big dance finale?  Sabotage and intrigue as the Croutons fight to
survive on the next exciting episode of Star Trek:  The Crouton Generation!

-----------------
Date: Sat, 11 May 91 11:16:42 -0600
From: reidj@tramp (Crossfire)
Subject: ST:TCG  "Croutons Courageous"

Next time, on Star Trek:  The -=- Crouton Generation -=-

"Croutons Courageous"

After being challenged to a duel to the death by Bloocheez, captain
Crouton beams over to the _C-Sick_.  Buuut then the evil ranchers kidnap
the captain and warp away, leaving the _Croutonprize_ sputtering in the
dust.  Will Crouton be able to escape the Ranchers in time to take his
PDE final?  Will a last-minute rescue attempt by Kabeta proove to be
successfull?  And why can't the _Croutonprize_ start her engines?  Fist
fights and other forms of minor violence as Crouton fights to survive on
the next exciting episode of Star Trek:  The Crouton Generation!

-----------------
Date: Sat, 11 May 91 11:20:29 -0600
From: reidj@tramp (Crossfire)
Subject: ST:TCG  "The Last of the Red-Hot Croutons"

Next time on an All-New Episode of Star Trek:  The Crouton Generation--

"The Last of the Red-Hot Croutons"

A bizzarre condiment accident in the officer's mess spills Tabasco sauce all
over Captain Crouton causing a severe allergic reaction.  Dr. Icefalcon
struggles to find a cure as Jez the Wonder Kitty tries to clear his
palate on the next exciting episode of Star Trek:  The Crouton Generation!

-----------------
Date: Sat, 11 May 91 11:23:45 -0600
From: reidj@tramp (Crossfire)
Subject: ST:TCG  "The Crouton Frontier"

Next time, on an All New Episode of Star Trek:  The Crouton Generation--

"The Crouton Frontier"

Captain Crouton displays one of his more irritating personality quirks by
inviting his officers over to his quarters to watch a five-hour slide show
about his first command.  Buuuuut Soraya and Crossfire try to sneak away
in order to get some job hunting in, only to be caught by Crouton.  Will
Soraya and Crossfire find a way to escape from the brig before Crouton finds
a way to project his slide show in their cell?  Can Jez the Wonder Kitty
find the keys Soraya needs to deactivate the force field?  And who's gonna
wake up Highlander?  Evil tensions and slide shows as the crew fights to
survive on the next exciting episode of Star Trek:  The Crouton Generation!

-----------------
Date: Sat, 11 May 91 11:27:07 -0600
From: reidj@tramp (Crossfire)
Subject: ST:TCG  "Croutons From the Sky"

Next time, on an All New Episode of Star Trek:  The Crouton Generation--

"Croutons From the Sky"

Captain Crouton and Commander Crossfire decide to go on shore leave and go
camping up in the Rocky Mountains.  Buuuuut the evil Romulan Traitor Barbara
Davis locates them and uses her Dolman-Saxlil Weather Intensifier Ray to
make it rain...croutons!  Will the environment ever recover from this horrible
predicament?  Can Crossfire and Crouton find a use for this unexpectedly
crisp bounty?  Will Jez the Wonder Kitty save the day?  The forecast calls
for scattered crunchiness as Crossfire and Crouton fight to find a salad on
the next exciting episode of Star Trek:  The Crouton Generation!

-----------------
Date: Sat, 11 May 91 11:30:33 -0600
From: reidj@tramp (Crossfire)
Subject: ST:TCG  "Crouton and Hobbes"

Next time on an All New Episode of Star Trek:  The Crouton Generation--

"Crouton and Hobbes"

Captain Crouton decides to realize a lifelong dream and start to publish
his own comic strip, "Crouton and Hobbes," about a stuffed tiger and his
salad condiments.  Buuuuuut the hilarity over the premier issue causes the
_Croutonprize_ to come to a screeching halt, just as the _C-Sick_ attacks
again!  Will Crouton be able to run the ship by himself?  Will Highlander
be able to overcome his hiccups?  And why doesn't Jez the Wonder Kitty get
the joke?  Hilarity and photon torpedos as the crew laughs themselves
silly on the next exciting episode of Star Trek--The Crouton Generation!

-----------------
Date: Sat, 11 May 91 11:33:50 -0600
From: reidj@tramp (Crossfire)
Subject: ST:TCG  "Free At Last!"

Next time on an All New Episode of Star Trek:  The Crouton Generation--

"Free At Last"

Crossfire finally finishes Queue-Mech as taught by the Kunz.  Buuuut what
effects will three semesters of exposure to the Kunz and his powers have
on Crossfire?  Will he be able to change the gravitational constant of the
universe?  Make h = 1?  Prove that the Kunz is merely a product of spherical
harmonics?  Bizzarre special effects and finger-snapping abounds as the
Kunz fights to fail his class on the next exciting episode of Star Trek:

The Crouton Generation!

-----------------
Date: Sat, 11 May 91 11:36:02 -0600
From: reidj@tramp (Crossfire)
Subject: ST:TCG  "I Have a Dream"

Next time, on Star Trek:  The Crouton Generation--

"I have a dream--  I'm in Safeway in my underwear...and there's this giant
snake..."

Er, sorry folks.  But every time I see Martin Luther King saying "I have
a dream," I think of that line.

I now return you to your regularly scheduled Crouton Generation overdose
(unless, of course, you don't want to, in which case...too bad.)

-----------------
Date: Sat, 11 May 91 11:41:38 -0600
From: reidj@tramp (Crossfire)
Subject: ST:TCG  "A Time For Croutons"

Next time, on an All New Episode of Star Trek:  The Crouton Generation--

"A Time For Croutons"

The Croutons visit the Guardian of Forever on a research mission, and
then discover that someone has altered history.  Their entire timeline
has ceased, and someone named Tasha "Pooky" Yar is in control of
Starfleet!  Will Jez the Wonder Kitty be able to resist Pooky's guiles?
Or will he go and sit in her lap in exchange for some Turkish Delight
flavored Pounce?  Can the Croutons make contact with crewman Picard?
Will Soraya and Susan be able to find and repair the break in the
timeline?  Time travel and and strange paradoxes abound as Pooky
fights to survive on the next exciting episode of Star Trek:  The
Crouton Generation!

-----------------
Date: Sat, 11 May 91 14:40:06 -0600
From: zecca@tramp (Emulator of Borg)
Subject: ST:TCG (short)

Next time, on all-new episode of

		STAR TREK: THE CROUTON GENERATION

			"My Left Foot"

When a rash of foot injuries attacks the higher ranks in Star Fleet, Captain
Crouton is forced to take the _Croutonprize_ back to the Milky Way in search
of orthopedic specialists.  Will Captain Kabeta *ever* be able to walk without
a cane?  Just how did Admiral Avenger injure his foot in the shower after
hauling the rest of T'Lilith's belongings to Starbase LMC1 from Planet Bemis?
Will Commander Palmer ever stop doing push-ups for tripping his captain, or
will he be awarded the Federation Council Medal of Honor for putting a stop
to hj's rampant episode postings?  As Captain Chow searches for decent Padres
pitching...

-----------------
Date: Sat, 11 May 91 15:30:54 -0600
From: zecca@tramp (Emulator of Borg)
Subject: ST:TCG (short!)

Short, except for hj, that is.  (Well, she's short, but this episode won't
be for her.  Oh, never mind.)


Next time, on all-new episode of

		STAR TREK: THE CROUTON GENERATION

		   "Who Pushes the Pushers?"

When Captain hj's rash of rampant episodes and the resulting piles of
paperwork drive Admiral Avenger up the wall, he decides to take his revenge.
Deciding that hj has altogether too much time on her hands, Avenger sends
in Commander Becker to instruct her on proper fitness techniques:

Becker:  You vill start mit 200 push-ups.
hj:  What????  You've got to be kidding!!!!
Quixote:  My liege, a moment.  Surely a queen should be able to outdo her
  lowly squire?  She once enlisted this lowly knight in a quest of a
  thousand push-ups.
Becker (smiling):  You vill start mit 2000(!) push-ups -- now, Captain.
hj:  Hah!  I outrank you.  I don't have to do the push-ups.
Becker:  I am here on Admiral Avenger's autority.  If you do not do die
  push-ups, I can have you removed from duty for medical rest leaf.
hj:  Wouldn't you rather just play tennis or something?
Palmer (grinning):  Do the push-ups, Captain.  Heheheh.
Missy (laughing):  Yes, hj, let's see you put your money where your mouth is.
hj (glaring):  I'm going to get you both for this.

hj begins her push-ups.

Becker:  1...  (long pause)  2...  (longer pause)  Maybe das medical
  rest leaf vould be a gut Idee, Captain.
hj:  URGGGGHHH!!!
Missy/Palmer:  3...
hj:  URRRRRRGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Whole crew:  4...
hj:  URRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Everyone in Starfleet:  5...
hj:  UUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Everyone in the Universe:  6...

Will hj survive the push-ups?  Will she do them in the dark?  (Sorry, Missy!)
Will she have to play tennis after the push-ups?  Find out next time!

-----------------
Date: Sun, 05 May 91 22:38:03 EDT
From: "It's worse than that--I'm dead, Jim." 
Subject: Upcoming Episode

Next time, on an all new episode of

    STAR TREK: THE CROUTON GENERATION

The Melbourne and the Subaru run into each other deep within the
Milky Way Galaxy.

Muirden: For crying out loud, hj, will you watch where you're going?
     This is going to drive my premiums through the roof!

No no no.  They don't *collide*.  They're on a mission to follow the
Hidden Valley Ranchers, who have hatched an evil plot to destroy the
Federation.

hj: And you need two starships?  Wow.  Must be some episode.

It's a race against time to save the Federation, before it's even
a dream.  Will the crews of the Subaru and Melbourne succeed?  Or
will the Hidden Valley Ranchers finally get it right and overcome
the Federation for all history?  And will hj write an episode before
this one comes out?

Quixote: A fart can sometimes be musical.

drewid: I quite agree.  Captain Muirden made one that sounded just like
     a G sharp on the piccolo.

Tune in to Junk Mail for an all new, exciting episode of

STAAAAAR TREK:
          THE CROUTON GENERATION!


Ensign Dave Quixote                        "Your mother was a redshirt."
Crouton Tube Maintenance Man, 3rd class             dl20@lafayacs.bitnet

P.S.  Can you tell finals are approaching?


-----
Date: Mon, 06 May 91 06:36:35 EDT
From: A fart can sometimes be musical 
Subject: "Time for a Change" (LONGISH)

Muirden: Captain's log, stardate 102039.7.  Following orders
     from Admiral Picard himself, I have diverted the
     Melbourne from our exploration to pursue the C_Flat, a
     Hidden Valley Ranch Empire vessel which has headed into
     Federation space.  I have been given instructions--not
     now, Kerry, I'm doing the captain's log--not to take
     any action against this ship until its purpose becomes
     clear.  Although we are already well into the Milky Way
     Galaxy, the Hidden Valley Ranch ship has not attacked
     any Federation outposts or vessels, despite a number of
     opportunities to do so.  Kerry, not now, I said!

Hoke: But Richard!

Muirden: I said no!

St. Cyr: Captain, I think I've got a fix on their
     destination.

Muirden: Where are they going, lieutenant?

St. Cyr: It's a planet charted about one hundred fifty years
     ago, captain, by the Enterprise.  The information seems
     classified.  I can't even get the planet's name.  I
     need alpha two clearance.

Muirden: Alpha two?  @#$%!

Larkin: Sir?

St. Cyr: Yes, Commander?

Larkin: Not you.  Captain?

Muirden: I'll get it in the briefing room.  Tie in your
     console with Casanova.  Commander Larkin, Mister Fox,
     and, oh, Lieutenant drewid, step into the briefing
     room.

Hoke: Did I do something wrong?  What have I done to get him
     mad at me?

[Those people step into the ready room with Muirden, and sit
down.]

Muirden: Casanova, state reason for classification of planet
     we are approaching.

Casanova: The Guardian of Forever.

Fox: Oh boy.  We've got trouble.

Larkin: How in the galaxies did they find out about the
     Guardian?

Muirden: From the Christopher_Pike?  That's how they
     launched their plot about a year ago to prevent the
     Federation/Romulan alliance.

Larkin: I suppose that's possible.

drewid: But if they're headed for the Guardian, that means--

Fox: They're going to try to change history.  Again.

[Dramatic Music.]

-----------------------------------------------------------
Star Trek: The Crouton Generation
"Time for a Change"
By Dave Learn

Starring
     Captain Richard Muirden
     Commander Tim Larkin
     Lieutenant David Fox
     Lieutenant Kerry Hoke
     Lieutenant drewid
     Captain half japanese
     Doctor Jen-L

Music by: Guardian
Lighting by: The Electric Company
Directed by: George Lucas

Inspired by a debate on Junk Mail
Edited by: Admiral Avenger and drewid
-----------------------------------------------------------

[Back on the bridge, as Muirden and company leave the
briefing room.]

Muirden: Kerry, send a message to the planet.  Warn them
     that the C_Flat is coming.

Hoke: But no one's there.

Muirden: Just do what I ask.  Admiral Picard placed a
     military installation on the planet's surface after
     last year's episode with the Ranchers just in case they
     tried something like this.

St. Cyr: Captain, we're approaching our destination.
     Sensors indicate some debris in orbit around the
     planet.  Unknown origin.  Though it looks like . . .
     good Lord.  Captain, that debris is what we make ship
     hulls from.

Muirden: Raise the C_Flat.

Hoke: They're ignoring our hails.

Muirden: C_Flat (where do they get these names?), this is
     Captain Muirden of the USS Melbourne.  Your presence
     here is an act of war.  Withdraw at once.

Hoke: No response.

Muirden: We can't risk their getting to the surface, can we?

Larkin: No.

Fox: Absolutely not.

Muirden: Arm phasers and crouton torpedoes.

St. Cyr: Phasers and torpedoes armed.

Muirden: This is your last chance, C_Flat.  Withdraw or we
     will be forced to open fire.

Fox: Scanners indicate a large explosion on the planet's
     surface.  Non-atomic.

St. Cyr: C_Flat's shields are raising.

Muirden: Fire!

[The Melbourne launches a volley of phaser fire at the
C_Flat.  The C_Flat lurches forward and fires it own forward
phasers at the underside of the Melbourne, which rocks at
the blast.  The Melbourne fires a series of crouton
torpedoes at the C_Flat, destroying what was left of its
shields.  The C_Flat drifts closer to the Melbourne.]

St. Cyr: They're drifting.  I think we destroyed them.

Fox: Nope.  Sensors indicate a lot of life signs.  Some sort
     of energy surge, though.  It's building.  Strange . . .

Muirden: Energy surge?  What kind?

Fox: It's in engineering.  Oh . . . crap.  They're going to
     self-destruct!

Muirden: Get us out of here!

[The C_Flat explodes in a silent blast of light and fury
which slowly subsides, but not without inflicting serious
damage on all decks on the Melbourne.  On the bridge, Kerry
screams as she "hears" the radio-wave emissions from the
C_Flat as it explodes.  It's loud, OK?]

Hoke: (screaming) Aigh!

Muirden: Kerry!  Are you all right?

[She continues to scream in pain, so he disconnects her
earphones from the console.  As he does, he looks at the
damage reports.]

Muirden: Wonderful.  Bloody wonderful.  Shields down, jolt
     drive down, weapons inoperative.  The music system is
     still working, though, drewid.  So are croutonizers.
     Let's go investigate that explosion on the surface.
     There must still be some Ranchers down there, or the
     C_Flat wouldn't have destroyed itself to protect them.
     Larkin, you stay here to supervise the repair.
     Lieutenants Fox, drewid, come with me to the planet.

-----------------------------------------------------------
[Planet surface.  It is dark and rather difficult to see
clearly.]

half japanese: Well, my career certainly went out with a
     bang, didn't it?

Jen-L: Captain, don't let yourself get so bitter over it.
     You couldn't help it.

hj: No I guess I couldn't.  So that makes it all better,
     doesn't it?  That puts thirteen hundred people back
     together again, right?  Nope.  They're still dead.

Jen-L: Thirteen hundred and five, actually.  (hj glares) But
     you couldn't have helped it.  The C_Dragon got her
     while we were down here on the planet warning the
     installation.  You didn't know they were cloaked.

hj: I should have known the C_Monster didn't come alone!  I
     should have realized that when they surrendered so
     easily.  I couldn't even save the installation. They
     blew that up fifteen minutes ago.  Still, there are a
     couple good points.

Jen-L: (cautiously) Good points?

hj: Sure.  Missy doesn't have to worry about blowing the
     lights out again.  Sancho will stop chasing my wolf cub
     all around the ship.  Quixote won't be such a pain any
     more, and I don't have to worry about Practor's
     literalness any more.

Jen-L: Captain, that's sick.

hj: I know.

[There is a croutonizer whine.  Jen-L looks over a rock to
see who it is.]

Jen-L: Someone's croutonizing in.  Captain, it could be more
     Ranchers.  Get ready!

hj: What can they do to me?  Blow up another ship?

Jen-L: (hissing) For crying out loud, captain, you're not
     the first captain to make a mistake.  Even Admiral Kirk
     lost a ship once.  Just thank God that we're still
     alive.

hj: At least he had the dignity of blowing the Enterprise up
     on his own.  I didn't have the choice.  And then I
     couldn't even save the base on this planet.  They blew
     that up, too.

Jen-L: Shhhh!  They're coming this way, whoever they are.

Fox: Tricorder readings indicate two humans, female.  Over
     there.  (he indicates where Jen-L and hj are hiding)

Jen-L: (leaping up, armed with hj's phaser) Hold it!  Move a
     muscle and I fire.

Muirden: Jen-L?  What are you doing here?

Jen-L: Who are you?

drewid: Jen-L, it's me.  drewid.  We've come from the
     Melbourne.  What are you doing here?

Jen-L: We followed a Hidden Valley Ranch ship here.

Muirden: We?  Where's the Subaru?

hj: Let's just say the engine blew.

Fox: The space debris.  Omigod.  How . . . ?

Jen-L: The C_Dragon ambushed the ship.  We didn't even know
     she was there until we were down on the surface.

[A haunting voice cuts through the air.]

Voice #1: Behold, the history of the world called Earth...

Voice #2: Yes, yes.  That's it.  The nation the Terrans
     called Germany, in the year 1934.  You will bring us
     back once we accomplish our mission?

Voice #1: Yes.  You will have 24 hours to observe what you
     want, and then you will return to the present.

Muirden: The Guardian.  It has to be.

Fox: We've got to stop them now.  Come on.

Jen-L: The Guardian?  What do they want with it?

Muirden: No time to explain.  Come on.

[Muirden, Fox, drewid, hj, and Jen-L go after the Guardian's
voice, running as fast as they can.  The five arrive at the
Guardian just in time to a group of four Ranchers, dressed
in Nazi outfits, leap into the portal.  It goes dark.]

Fox: No!  We're too late!

Muirden: Maybe not.  Guardian, we wish to go where those
     people just went.

[The portal shows Berlin, in 1934.]

Muirden: This isn't a pleasant period of history, people.
     No one has to go after the Ranchers who doesn't want
     to.

drewid: We're wasting time, captain.  Let's get going.

[Everyone nods her or his assent.]

Muirden: (nodding) All right.  Let's get going.

[They leap into the portal and disappear into the distant
past.]


TO BE CONTINUED.

-----------------
Date: Mon, 06 May 91 20:59:12 EDT
From: A fart can sometimes be musical 
Subject: "Time for a Change" part two

[A scene from Berlin in 1934.  The Nazis are in power, but
the brutality of World War II has not yet begun.  Into this
scene burst five people in Star Fleet uniforms.  They are,
of course, Captains half japanese and Muirden, Lieutenants
drewid and Fox, and Dr Jen-L.  They materialize way, way
back, in a dark alley.]

Fox: Awfully thoughtful of the Guardian to place us in an
     alley.  I wonder if it does that for all its users?

Muirden: Maybe.  First order of business, though is
     clothing.  We need to be able to blend in.  Somehow I
     don't think Star Fleet uniforms are typical for this
     era.  Maybe if we'd landed at a sci-fi convention fifty
     years from now . . .

drewid: We can't take our weapons, either.  We'll have to
     bury them or something.

[Fox collects the phasers and begins to bury them under a
pile of rubbish and loose stones.]

hj: They wouldn't have done us any good, anyway.

Jen-L: Respectfully, captain, please shut up.  It was a
     tragedy, and we'll grieve for them.  But right now, we
     have to stop the Ranchers before they change history.

hj: (broken) You're right.  I--I can't help it, Jen-L.  It's
     just a defense mechanism I have.  When things go wrong,
     I try to make jokes.  And I've never had my ship blown
     up before.

Muirden: Can anyone figure out what they want in 1934
     Germany?

drewid: 1934.  That's when Hitler came into power.

-----------------------------------------------------------
Star Trek: The Crouton Generation
"Time for a Change" part two
By Dave Learn

Starring
     Captain Richard Muirden
     Lieutenant David Fox
     Lieutenant drewid
     Captain half japanese
     Doctor Jen-L
     Captain Tim Larkin

Music by: Sue Muckle
Lighting by: Sue Muckle
Makeup by: Sue Muckle
Costumes by: Sue Muckle
Directed by: Sue Muckle
Sue Muckle by: Mr and Mrs Muckle
Edited by: Admiral Avenger and drewid
Inspired by a debate on Junk Mail
-----------------------------------------------------------

[Back from the commercial break.]

Jen-L: Hitler.  No.

Fox: (standing) That should do it.  Our phasers are all
     buried under this rubble.

hj: What can they want with Hitler?

Muirden: (thoughtfully) Wish I'd paid more attention in my
     pre-spaceflight history courses.  Hitler.  He was the
     head of a coalition of nations, wasn't he?

drewid: (nodding) He was responsible for the murder of
     twelve million people.  He tried to exterminate the
     Jewish race.

Jen-L: He came close to winning the war, too, at times.  One
     of the things that helped wrap up the war was the
     discovery of the atomic bomb.

hj: That wasn't until after the European War had ended.

Muirden: Probably true.  But if the Ranchers came back here,
     they might have intended to give Hitler the bomb.  That
     could change the course of the war, give him the edge
     he needed.

Fox: A madman like Hitler in control of nuclear weapons?
     The Earth barely made it through the twenty-first
     century's atomic war.  The world wouldn't have a
     chance.  He'd destroy the whole planet.

Jen-L: What would they want with this war, anyway?

drewid: The western world was split into two major powers at
     this point.  The Federation's constitution was based on
     the constitution of the major power which prevailed.
     If they gave the atom bomb to Germany, they would shift
     the war, and it's doubtful the Federation would ever
     form.

hj: What are we waiting for?  Let's go get the jerks.

[hj starts to leave.  Fox climbs into a dumpster and begins
rooting around in the garbage.]

Muirden: Not so fast!  We can't go out like this.  We'll
     stick out like sore thumbs.

hj: So what do you propose we do, Captain Richard?

Muirden: We wait until it gets dark, or until someone comes
     back here.  If that happens, we beat them up and take
     their clothes.

Fox: (poking head out of dumpster) Captains, I think I've
     found the solution.

hj & Muirden: (realizing what he means) Please, no.

Fox: Why not?  The Ranchers will never expect a bunch of
     smelly beggars.

drewid: Just so long as the nazis don't shoot hobos.

[After getting into a set of loose-fitting clothes from the
dumpster, drewid retreats while everyone else gathers
around.  She blends with the shadows and uncovers a phaser,
which she hides it in the folds of her disguise, covering
the rest of them up.]

drewid: (softly) This time we'll work it out differently.

Jen-L: What was that, drewid?

drewid: Nothing.

Muirden: (as everyone finishes dressing) Whew.  This stuff
     stinks.

hj: Well it *is* garbage, you know.

Muirden: Right.  Lieutenant Fox, which whey did they go?

Fox: (looking at tricorder) They went due east of here,
     captain.

Muirden: Right.  And keep that thing hidden.

Fox: I hope to keep more than that hidden.  My people
     weren't too popular at this point in time.  A couple
     years from now, Hitler decided to exterminate the
     Jewish race.  I hope to avoid that fate.

[They walk out of the alley.  It is getting to be late in
the afternoon.  They walk east, ducking into alleys and dark
places from time to time to check the tricorder.  Eventually
they arrive at their destination.]

Fox: Right.  This is it.  They're on the third floor.

Muirden: All right, then.  That's where we go.

drewid: Suppose there's a back entrance?  I can't imagine
     the front door would work.

Jen-L: She has a point, captain.  Let's head around back.

[They head around back.  No doors.  They end up back in
front.]

Muirden: Bloody wonderful.  How do we get in?

hj: If Dave were here, he could create a diversion.

drewid: I suppose that's the only way we'll get in. (shouts)
     So why don't you just leave me alone?  I'm sick of your
     always telling me what to do.

hj: What's the matter with you, drewid?

drewid: Oh, shut up, will you?  I'm sick to death of you and
     your self-aggrandized dreams of importance.

hj: What?  Why you--

Muirden: Ah, drewid, I wouldn't--

drewid: And you know something, hj?  It's a good thing the
     Subaru was destroyed.  No crew should have to go
     through the daily agony of serving such a feeble-minded
     idiot like y--

[hj jumps at drewid, and the two start to fight.  The guards
inside the building come out to end the fight and arrest the
combatants.]

Muirden: Oh.  I get it.  Good plan, drewid.  I hope you live
     through it.

[Muirden gets the drop on one of the guards and sends him to
the ground in a heap.  The second one swings at Muirden,
hitting him in the gut.  Muirden doubles over, then receives
a double-fisted blow to the back.  He collapses.  Meanwhile,
Fox has ko'ed the third guard and Jen-L now walks over to
the second guard who is kicking Muirden, and we hear a
steady hiss.]

Fox: A hypo?

Jen-L: I always come prepared.  Captain?  Captain!  Captain,
     stop it!  Let her go.

[hj has drewid pinned and is trying to choke her to death.
She is coming very close, but finally stops herself.]

hj: Sorry.

drewid: (rubbing throat gently) No problem.  Captain, are
     you all right?

Muirden: (pained) Gluck.  Let's get inside.

[They get inside the building, and find a staircase which
they quickly ascend to the third floor.  They race down the
hallway, while Fox scans for the Ranchers.  They come to a
door.  "In here," he says, and they eavesdrop.  Is it too
late?  Is direct intervention necessary?  They hear the four
Ranchers, disguised as nazi officers, talking with Hitler,
Himmler, and Goebbels.]

Rancher #1: (through the door) We have information which you
     will no doubt find useful, mein Fuhrer.  We captured an
     American scientist who had overseen a breakthrough into
     the atomic bomb.  He provided us with these files after
     certain . . . persuasion.

Goebbels: This is most useful.  We have our own researchers
     working on such a discovery, but if the information you
     have given us is valid, we can begin an offensive
     against the American continent sooner than expected.

Himmler: Of course, we can not have very many people knowing
     this information.

Rancher #2: What--what do you mean?

Himmler: You shall be remembered with honor.

[BLAM!  BLAM!  BLAM!]

Muirden: At least we don't have to worry about dealing with
     the Ranchers.  We just have to get those files.

drewid: (backing off, drawing phaser) That's not all we're
     going to do.

hj: drewid, what?

drewid: All of you, back off.  This is armed, and I'll use
     it if I have to.

Fox: drewid, what in the galaxies are you doing?

drewid: I'm going to kill those three.  They're going to
     oversee the murder of twelve million people.  If I kill
     them, I just might save all their lives.

Muirden: You don't know that.  Put the phaser down, drewid.

drewid: No.

Jen-L: drewid, you can't do this.  This is history, this
     already happened.

drewid: Then why are we worried about the Nazis getting
     nuclear capability?  The Holocaust is still in the
     future for these people.  I can save their lives.  Now
     back off.

Muirden: drewid, be reasonable.  They're already dead.

drewid: Tell that to them.  You're talking about history.
     I'm talking about twelve million people with hopes and
     dreams, who went up in smoke or died in gas chambers
     during the war these madmen will start.  But not this
     time.  Back off.

hj: drewid, I order you to put your phaser down.

drewid: No.

[She shoots hj.]

Jen-L: (kneeling beside hj) She's only stunned.

[drewid resets the power level on the phaser.]

drewid: That's right.  But this is set on kill now.  Back
     off.  All of you.  To the end of the corridor.

[They back off, into a room.  drewid phasers the lock shut
and returns to Hitler's room, and blows the door to pieces
with her phaser.  Himmler grabs his gun again, and swings it
to shoot her.]

drewid: Not so fast, jerk.

[She phasers him.  But this time the phaser is set on kill.
He slumps to the floor.  She fires on Goebbels, who is flung
through the window, screaming as he dies.]

Hitler: Gott in himmel.  Who are you?

drewid: Adolf Hitler.  Funny, I pictured you as taller.

Hitler: What do you want with me?

drewid: I want to save a life.  Over twelve million of them.
     And all I have to do is kill you.

[drewid fires a final shot.  Hitler dies.  She phasers the
three Rancher bodies, disrupting them instantly, and then
goes to release her fellow Croutons.]

Muirden: Good God, drewid.  What have you done?  What have
     you done?

drewid: It was worth it.  No matter what happens, it was
     worth it.

[The world around them fades from view and is replaced by
the barren terrain of the world of the Guardian of Forever
as it recalls them from the past.  As they arrive, they see
Commander Larkin and a team of ten security officers
apparently from the Melbourne are waiting for them.  The
security officers are dressed in solid black uniforms.]

Muirden: Tim?  What's the matter?  What are you doing here?

Larkin: You are under arrest by order of the Emperor Quesada
     for a violation of the Imperial Edict barring all
     contact with the Guardian of Forever.  I'm sorry,
     Richard, but I had to report it.  You know that.

Muirden: What?

Larkin: You will be taken to appear before the Triune of
     Admirals where your sentence will be decided.  You are
     permitted to commit suicide beforehand, if you prefer.

Muirden: What?  For the love of God, Tim--

Larkin: Take him away to the Berlin.

Muirden: The Berlin?  What?

[Two guards grab Muirden, cuff his hands behind his back,
and lead him away.  They croutonize out of sight.  drewid's
face goes pale as she begins to realize the extent of the
change brought on by her killing Hitler and his aides.]

drewid: Oh my god.  What have I done?

Larkin: Captain half japanese, the Volkswagen is waiting for
     you in orbit.  Commander Palmer explained that Muirden
     coerced you into this foray into time.  Emperor Quesada
     has generously granted you clemency for this instance,
     but commands your presence at Muirden's trial.  You may
     return to your ship, along with Dr Jen-L.  The rest of
     you are to return with me to the Berlin.

[Larkin and the security guards walk away toward the
croutonizing coordinates.  drewid and Fox follow, their
faces paled by their shock at the vast changes made in their
timeline.  hj calls after them.]

hj: Satisfied, drewid?  You killed Hitler, and saved your
     twelve million lives.  I wonder how many billions of
     lives your decision has cost in the centuries since.

TO BE CONTINUED.

-----------------
Date: Wed, 08 May 91 22:44:42 EDT
From: A fart can sometimes be musical 
Subject: "Time for a Change" part three

[In her room, Captain half japanese checks over the
equipment of her personal log, making sure that there are no
electronic bugs of any sort.  Finally satisfied, she begins
to make her entry.]

hj: Captain's personal log, stardate 102039.8.  Jen-L,
     Lieutenants drewid and Fox, Captain Muirden, and I have
     just returned from a trip into the past in an attempt
     to stop a Hidden Valley Rancher plot to change the
     outcome of one of the old Earth wars.  We were
     successful.  Sort of.  Due to an unforseen turn of
     events, Lieutenant drewid killed three of the leaders
     of one of the major military power at the time,
     changing our history probably more than the Ranchers
     wanted to.  I'm glad to have the Subaru back, I just
     wish it were the Subaru.  It's got some German name
     instead, the "GSS Volkswagen" or somesuch.  This is
     weird.  I don't know what to--

Thokk: (ic) Thokk to captain.  Security problem in sickbay.

hj: Get Jen-L to take care of it.

Thokk: (ic) Jen-L is problem.

hj: (concerned) I'll be right there.  (cutting
     communications) I sure wish I had a clue what was going
     on.

[hj arrives in sickbay.  Jen-L is shouting at the top of her
lungs.]

Jen-L: I refuse to do this.  It is an unethical way of doing
     medical research.

Thokk: Never stop you before.

Jen-L: (shocked) Well it is now.

hj: Calm down both of you!  What's the problem?

Thokk: Jen-L refuse to operate.

Jen-L: Captain, she's still alive.  They want me to perform
     experiments on her.

hj: On who?

Jen-L: Practor!

[hj becomes aware that Ensign Practor is strapped down to a
medical table behind Jen-L.]

Thokk: Not like she human.  Only Romulan.

hj: Thokk, that's disgusting!  Practor is a valuable and
     established member of the crew, just like that lunatic
     Quixote.

Thokk: Romulan on Volkswagen?  And who Quixote?

hj: Practor's been on the Subaru ever since I took command.
     And Quixote showed up not long after.  Remember?

Thokk: You well, captain?  Thokk never hear of Subaru.  Or
     Quixote.

hj: There will be no experimentation on living people on
     this ship, whatever its name is!

Thokk: But Romulan is not person--only Romulan.

hj: I said no experimentation!  Do you hear me?

Thokk: Thokk hear.  So will Commander Palmer.

[Thokk leaves in a storm.]

hj: Jen-L, I don't know how long I can handle this.

Jen-L: You've got to, until we can find a way back into the
     past to set things right.

-----------------------------------------------------------
"Time for a Change" part three
By Dave Learn

Starring
     Captain half japanese
     Doctor Jen-L
     Thokk the Dismemberer
     Richard Muirden
     Captain Tim Larkin
     Lieutenant drewid
     Lieutenant Fox
     Admiral Crossfire
     Emperor Dave Quesada
     Admiral Crouton
     Avenger
     Bradford
and  Brent Spiner as Admiral Data

Inspired by a debate on Junk Mail
Edited by: Admiral Avenger and drewid
-----------------------------------------------------------

[In a holding cell of the GSS Berlin, formerly known as the
USS Melbourne.]

Muirden: Hey come on.  You've got to let me out of here.
     I'm the captain.

Guard: Not any more, you're not.  Emperor's orders.

Muirden: At least let me see Kerry.

Guard: Kerry?  Your slave?  Sorry, buddy, she belongs to
     Captain Larkin now.

Muirden: My slave?  What's going on?  What's happened to the
     Federation?

Guard: (queer look on his face) The Federation?  What's
     happened to you, butthead?  Keep it up, and you just
     may be able to pull an insanity plea with Emperor
     Quesada.

Muirden: Am I allowed to see guests?

Guard: No.

Muirden: Well will you at least pass a message on for me?
     Please?

Guard: All right.  What is it?

Muirden: Tell Lieutenant drewid I *will* get out of here
     eventually.  And when I do, she had better just lie
     down, because she is dead.

Guard: Right.  If I see her, I'll let her know, old man.

Muirden: OLD?  First Quixote calls this a "quaint little
     starship," now my own crew calls me old.  I wish I
     hadn't got up this morning.

[In the music control room.]

drewid: Casanova, I'd like to hear that old song again.
     What was it, "Kill the Wabbit?"  Maximum volume.  I
     like it loud.

[Very loudly we hear Elmer Fudd singing, "Be vewy quiet.
I'm hunting wabbits."  drewid indicates a pair of seats to
sit in.]

Fox: Can you turn that down a little?

drewid: Sorry.  The room is bugged.  These seats are in the
     only unmonitored section of the room.  What have you
     found?

Fox: (practically shouting) Well, following the "mysterious"
     deaths of Hitler and company, (drewid glares) another
     man stepped into the power vacuum in the Nazi Party of
     Germany.  He played it cool, unlike Hitler, because he
     had the bomb.

drewid: The plans.  We forgot to destroy the plans.

Fox: And with that, he easily defeated the alliance of
     Britain, America, and France.  During his time, he
     killed twice as many people as Hitler did, including
     nearly the entire Jewish race.  By the time he died,
     there were only about fifty Jews known to be alive.

drewid: Good Lord.

Fox: Though he was eventually assassinated in 1962, after
     consolidating the entire world under Nazi rule.  He was
     replaced by a somewhat more moderate Nazi who wanted to
     move into space.  His ideology eventually became the
     foundation for the German Empire, which conquered
     Vulcan in 2085 . . .

drewid: What have I done?

Fox: The Klingon Empire fell to the German Empire of Planets
     in the early twenty-third century, and the Romulans
     finally lost about sixty years ago.  The German Empire
     mandated complete surrender in return for driving the
     Lucky Charms from Romulan space.  Apparently the Lucky
     charms struck early in this timeline, triggered by more
     and earlier contacts with the Empire.

drewid: Oh no.

Fox: And the Hidden Valley Ranch Empire never even made it
     on the scene.  It was wiped out by Imperial aggression
     fifty years ago.

drewid: What have I done?

Fox: The Imperial teaching is that all races are inferior to
     homo sapiens.  Vulcans, Klingons, Romulans, Ferengi;
     any race appearing on an Imperial Battleship is a slave
     to the humans.  If they're physiologically close to
     humans, they get used in medical research while they're
     still alive.  Doctor Feelgood is one of the more . . .
     adept at this research.  I stopped by sickbay earlier.
     It wasn't a pleasant sight.

drewid: We've got to stop this.

Fox: Agreed, but how?  We can't just go up to Emperor
     Quesada and say, "Excuse me, your highness, but there's
     been a terrible mistake.  The entire universe was
     screwed up by someone with good intentions."

drewid: Can't we go back to the Guardian of Forever?

Fox: We don't have a starship--I mean a battleship.

drewid: Well . . . Commander Larkin said something about a
     Triune of Admirals.  If Admiral Avenger is there, we
     could probably borrow the Rampage.  He'd help.

Fox: You're assuming Avenger is an admiral in this timeline.
     And if he is, I doubt he'd help a pair of rebels like
     us.

drewid: Rebels?

Fox: The minute we try to stop this madness, we'll be
     branded enemies of the state.  I guarantee it.

[The Imperial Throne Room.  Berlin, Earth.  The Emperor and
the Triune of Admirals (Data, Crossfire, and Crouton) form
a complete circle with Muirden in the middle, in chains.
The Emperor's large dog is lying at his feet, growling
angrily.  hj is sitting off to the side with the other wit-
nesses: Larkin, Palmer, and Hoke.  Jen-L is nowhere to be
seen.  Muirden has been badly beaten while imprisoned in
the Berlin's brig.]

Muirden: Quixote.  I never would have thought even a lunatic
     like you could turn out like this.

Crossfire: Address the Emperor with respect, dog!

Muirden: Sorry.  I didn't realize that was the Emperor.  I
     could have sworn he was a bucket of sh--

[Admiral Crossfire has risen from his seat and belts Muirden
a good one.  Muirden spits out a mouthful of blood.  In
Crossfire's face.]

Muirden: Oh, terribly sorry, commander.  But these things
     happen.

Crossfire: (wiping the blood and spittle from his face) I
     find the pig guilty as charged.

Crouton: I concur.

Quesada: (waving his hand) No, let's have the trial.  Though
     I'm sure the verdict will be guilty nonetheless.

Muirden: Then why bother?  Guilty?  Sure I'm guilty.  Guilty
     of wanting to save the Federation from becoming the
     stinking heap of excrement you fascists have turned it
     into.  Guilty of--

[Crossfire hits him again, knocking him over.]

Muirden: Do that again and I'll have you demoted.

Crossfire: Demotion?  Ha!  You can't demote an admiral.

Muirden: Oh that's right.  I keep thinking you're the
     weapons officer on the Croutonprize.

Data: This is quite unnecessary.  That Richard Muirden,
     former captain of the GSS Berlin, defied Imperial Edict
     and made illicit use of the Guardian of Forever is
     indisputable.

hj: (to herself) Illicit use?  He makes it sound like
     Richard wanted to time travel to have sex.

Data: This crime is punishable by execution.  I recommend
     that we adjourn this trial and select the appropriate
     form of execution.

Crouton: I second the motion.

Crossfire: I agree.  He's committed treason.  And spat at an
     admiral.  Death.

Quesada: Very well then.  Captain half japanese, would you
     please come forward?

[Muirden is led from the room.]

hj: (hesitantly) Uh, yes, my . . . lord. (the last word
     comes only with difficulty.  hj walks to the front
     of the room)

Quesada: Captain Palmer has informed me of your refusal to
     allow standard experimentation on sub-human races on
     board the Volkswagen.

hj: Uh-oh.

Quesada: He has pleaded for your life, and I have agreed to
     spare it.  You are fortunate to have had such a
     dedicated first officer.  You are hereby stripped of
     your rank of captain, and are ordered to report to the
     Volkswagen as his personal slave.

hj: His *what*?

Quesada: Captain Palmer, you may remove her from the planet.
     At once, if you please.

hj: Oh no, you don't!

[As Palmer approaches, hj breaks into a run.  She leaps
through a door and tears off down the hall.  She sees a
garbage chute, and, lacking any other alternatives, jumps
down the chute, hoping that the incinerator is not on today.
Fortunately, she lands in a huge lake of sewage with a
splash.  Doing her best not to retch at the stench, she
swims across the lake for the other side, where she hides
herself in an old church.]

hj: (looking at all the dust) This place hasn't been used in
     ages.  I guess religion isn't too popular with the
     current administration.

Voice #1: It's not.  Don't move a muscle.

hj: I recognize that voice.  Hey watch with the hands--that
     tickles.

Voice #2: No weapons.  But she sure smells.

Voice #1: Don't turn around.  Who are you?

hj: My name is Captain half japanese.  And if I'm right,
     you're Eliana, right?

Eliana: How did you know that?  We've never met.

hj: Yes, we hav--no.  I suppose not.

Voice #2: You know her, Eliana?  She said she was a captain.
     She must be a part of the War Fleet.

hj: They're trying to capture me.  I've been dismissed for
     betraying the Fed--Empire.

Eliana: I never saw her before in my life.  I swear.

Voice #2: It's a moot point.  We have to go into hiding,
     especially if they're looking for her.  Come on.

Eliana: Well we can't just leave her here.

Voice #2: We can't take her with us.  She could betray us,
     too.

hj: Can't you just blindfold me?  I can live with that, but
     I'd prefer if you didn't kill me.

Voice #2: All right, but you have to be sure not to lose us.
     Just hold on to my shoulders, and you'll be OK.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Crossfire: (sneering) We'll get to you soon, Muirden.  Enjoy
     it down there while you can!

Muirden: I'm having the time of my life.  Wish you were down
     here with me to share it! (pause) Ouch.  I ache in
     places I didn't know I had.

Voice: I know what you mean.  They're brutal here.  What are
     you in for?

Muirden: I'm not sure.  I don't think I did anything wrong.
     Except maybe spitting on Crossfire.

Voice: (chuckle) You spat on an admiral?  Now that takes
     guts.  I wish I'd thought of that.

Muirden: What are you here for?

Voice: I'm not completely human.  That's all the offense
     they needed.

Muirden: Do I know you?

Voice: I don't think so.  I don't recognize you, at any
     rate.

[Muirden leans closer to get a better look through his one
good eye.]

Muirden: You're--you're--you're Admiral Avenger!

Avenger: What did you call me?

Muirden: I do know you!

Avenger: (angrily) Take it back, or I'll make you take it
     back!

Muirden: What?  What did I say?  It is you, isn't it?

Avenger: Reeeaaaargh!

[Avenger leaps at the already battered Muirden and starts to
throttle him.  Another figure shambles over to the dim light
to stop Avenger.  It is Bradford.]

Bradford: What is it?  What did he do?

Avenger: He referred to me as one of them!  He called me an
     Admiral.

Bradford: He may not have meant it as an insult.

Avenger: Not as an insult?  Suppose someone called you
     Admiral?

Bradford: He may look up to the Admirals . . .

Muirden: Glk . . . ack . . . help . . .

Avenger: Then he deserves all the more to die, if he reveres
     scum like them.  May God pity me the day men call me
     "Admiral."

[He releases Muirden who gasps for breath for about three
minutes.]

Muirden: Sorry.  ack I keep forgetting, ad--sir.

Bradford: Easy, mister.  Avenger here has just been through
     some rough times here on Earth.  He isn't usually so
     violent.  You just really rubbed him the wrong way.

Muirden: I can tell.

[Avenger eyes Muirden warily, but says nothing.  Meanwhile
on the GSS Rampage, the personal ship of Admiral Crossfire.]

drewid: Oh good.  No one's on board.  You don't suppose the
     owner will mind if we borrow it, do you?

Fox: Let's not find out.  Lay in a course to slingshot
     around Sol, and get us back to 1934.  On the double.

drewid: All right.  Raising shields, so no one can get on
     board.

Fox: Uploading information on slingshot effect, calibrating
     information with vessel design.  Twenty percent chance
     of failure, meaning total destruction.  Still want to
     risk it?

drewid: We've already committed treason.  We're dead either
     way.  Let's get going.  I've got the course laid in.

Fox: All right.  Let's go.

drewid: Engaging.

TO BE CONTINUED