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STAR TREK: THE CROUTON GENERATION
SEASON THREE
Episodes # 6 - 7
(Parts #6-7 of "The Crouton on the Edge of Forever")
======================================================================
Date: Sat, 9 Feb 91 13:26:49 -0700
From: zecca@tramp (Admiral Avenger)
Subject: ST:TCG (6 of 9)
"Second Officer's Log, Stardate Nonapplicable:
The election of the delegates to the first Federation Council will be
made tonight. So far, we have seen no sign of HVR intrusion and I am getting
worried. Maybe it's time for a change in tactics..."
McDonagh returns to his room and tosses a small brown paper bag to Taubman.
Taubman: Are these the integrated circuits I requested?
McDonagh: Nope. (pulls a sandwich out of his own bag) Lunch.
Taubman: I'm not going to get this running without those circuits.
McDonagh: Jason...Jason... Listen, those kinds of parts just don't EXIST
yet. (pause) How much sleep have you gotten lately?
Taubman: Not enough.
McDonagh: That's obvious. (pause) Maybe you can improvise?
Taubman: Well... I *did* use Sneiz Garde personal shield focusers, Oyster
Cracker power amplifiers, and pieces of an old non-functional Romulan
navigation unit we recovered from the Pakleds in this thing...
McDonagh (absent-mindedly, as he reads a newspaper): Maybe you could strip
something from your tricorder.
Taubman (mumbling): Tricorder...
Suddenly, Taubman stands bolt upright, pointing his finger in the air. In
the process, his lunch bag erupts into the air and lands mostly on McDonagh's
face and newspaper.
Taubman: Why didn't I think of it before? Commander, you're brilliant!
McDonagh (wiping his face clean): Some people think so. (pause) What did
I say so brilliantly?
Taubman: I can just reprogram the tricorder and use it as my targeting
computer instead of building my own.
McDonagh: Oh, right. Duuh. We always miss the obvious, don't we?
* * * * *
Gretzky, dressed out entirely in black, crawls into the serviceways underneath
the conference room. He takes a quick look around, then sprints down one
stretch of corridor, diving behind some old air circulation systems. He
peers over the top and takes in his surroundings. Suddenly, he picks out
subtle movement down another corridor.
Gretzky (whispering to himself): Who the hell is that?
Gretzky reaches into his pocket and pulls out his communicator pin.
Gretzky (quietly): Gretzky to Ghiasi.
Ghiasi (ic): I'm here, Wayne.
Gretzky: Someone else is down here... I'm going to check him out.
Ghiasi (ic): Be careful. If it's Terran security...
Gretzky: Trust me. I know what I'm doing. (pause) Gretzky out.
Gretzky pockets the communicator, draws his hand phaser and sets it to stun.
He stands up and begins to creep toward his unwitting target.
* * * * *
The unwitting target finishes up wiring the timer onto the device. He begins
to program in a time, then stops to puff at his Argelian weedstick.
Dressinge: I can't get no...satisfaction...
He hears quiet footsteps approaching. He stubs out his weedstick, draws his
Romulan disruptor pistol with one hand, and finishes programming with the
other. Then, he swings and fires at the approaching Gretzky.
Gretzky: S***! (dives behind some metal boxes)
The disruptor blast vaporizes one of the boxes he fell behind. Gretzky
swings up and fires at Dressinge, but Dressinge ducks out of the way. Alarms
begin to sound all around them. In the distance, they can hear the rapid
footsteps of security personnel.
Dressinge: So long, Federali.
Dressinge pulls out a device from his pocket and disappears in the quiet of
a Klingon Croutonizer. Gretzky scrambles to his feet and taps his communicator
on just as the "cops" arrive. Six of them, all burly humans, laser rifles
drawn and pointing toward Wayne. The lead officer quickly notices the bomb.
Ghiasi (ic): Wayne? Come in, Wayne?
Capt. Koch: Get the bomb squad down here. (to Wayne, narrowing eyes) Just
what the hell do you think you're doing?
* * * * *
"The Crouton on the Edge of Forever"
Part 6: "When You Absolutely, Positively Have to Save the Universe Overnight"
Written by Admiral Avenger and Crossfire
Guest stars
Robert Pastorelli as Ranche Dressinge
Suzie Plakson as T'Pau
Mark Strickson as Captain Koch
Directed by Jonathan Frakes
Music by Joy Chattaway
* * * * *
Ghiasi: Wayne? Wayne?! Dammit, answer me!
Parker (scanning): Commander, I have a lock on his communicator. Looks like
the local jail to me.
Ghiasi: Damn. (taps communicator again) Ghiasi to McDonagh. We've
got a little problem.
Susan's eyes widen with surprise as McDonagh Croutonizes into their room.
Soraya, her back to McDonagh, doesn't notice.
McDonagh: What kind of problem?
Ghiasi (still talking into the communicator): The police have Gretzky.
Susan taps Soraya on the knee, then points over her shoulder. Soraya turns
and, embarrassed, puts the communicator away.
Ghiasi: How did you--?
McDonagh: Jason just perfected his portable Croutonizer. (taps his
communicator) Come on over, Lieutenant. They're "decent."
Parker: Too bad you didn't Croutonize an hour ago... (flirt flirt)
Ghiasi (concern on her face): Susan. This is serious.
Susan moves across the room and turns on the wall television, quietly.
Taubman Croutonizes next to McDonagh, holding a strange and what appears
to be haphazardly thrown together device.
Taubman: Wow. It actually worked. (to Soraya) Remind me to apply for a
patent when we get back.
Ghiasi: *IF* we get back.
Taubman: What's wrong?
Suddenly, attention shifts to the television, whose volume Susan has just
turned way up.
Anchor: To repeat our top news story, a bomb has been found underneath the
conference room. A suspect has been arrested and police are currently
looking for a female accomplice. Security has been stepped up and --
Ghiasi: Oh, great. They heard me on the communicator.
McDonagh (resignedly): The mission's blown, isn't it?
* * * * *
Koch: Who are you? What are you doing here? Why are you--?
Gretzky: Je ne comprend pas une mot que vous disez. [I don't understand
a thing you're saying.]
Koch: Vous n'etez pas le seul person ici qui parle Francais, Monsieur.
[I know French too, you silly person.]
Gretzky: All right. Look. I saw the guy planting the bomb and went after
him. He beamed out before you found me.
Prolenko: Beamed? What is he talking about?
Koch: Look, man. Even if you didn't plant the bomb, what the bloody hell
were you doing down there? Hmm? Answer me that one!
Gretzky: I..I..
Soraya, McDonagh, Parker and Taubman materialize behind Koch and Prolenko in
the tiny interrogation room.
Ghiasi: Phasers on stun.
McDonagh and Soraya stun the two security officers before they make a move.
McDonagh moves to Gretzky and begins to tinker with his restraints.
McDonagh: Simple magnetic handcuffs. No problem.
Gretzky: They've got my phaser and communicator in the evidence room in the
basement. And they'll have found my hotel room by now...
Parker: We raided your hotel room already.
Ghiasi: Jason, get us down to the evidence room.
* * * * *
Dressinge finishes wiring a bomb. He chews at his weedstick for a moment,
then spits it out.
Dressinge: Okay, he may've stopped me once, but the other three bombs're
in place. (pause) Now to find that stupid Vulcan.
* * * * *
Susan rummages through a cabinet, finds Gretzky's belongings, and rejoins
the away team on the other side of the room.
Parker: Got it. Let's go.
Ghiasi: Vulcan Ambassador's quarters. Now!
Taubman activates the Croutonizer and the five of them disappear just
seconds before armed police officers storm the room.
* * * * *
The away team appears on the balcony of a large hotel suite. Inside, some
Vulcans and human security officers leave the room, leaving a single Vulcan
woman remaining behind.
Gretzky: All right, let's go. I'll--
Ghiasi: Stay here. Let me talk to her alone.
Soraya enters the suite, surprising the Vulcan, who doesn't respond with
emotion to the surprise.
Ghiasi: Ambassador T'Pau, we must speak.
T'Pau (calm): What does thee seek with me? And how did thee slip past the
guards?
Ghiasi: Your life is in danger. You must decline the seat on the Federation
Council and return to Vulcan at once.
T'Pau: Does thee have proof of thy claim?
Ghiasi: I can't explain. You *must* do as I ask. (pause) The man that
was arrested as a bomber is part of my team. The real bomber is still
on the loose. He will be on his way for you soon.
T'Pau: But does thee have proof?
Ghiasi: I can't really--
T'Pau: Thee are truly concerned. Come. I must have thy thoughts.
Soraya moves closer to T'Pau, who looks much younger and more beautiful
than the crew has ever seen in any of the old holovids of her from her days
as the Vulcan matriarch. T'Pau reaches a hand up to Soraya's forehead and
they both close their eyes. After a silent moment, their eyes pop open.
T'Pau: Thee speaks the truth. I will do as thee asks.
Ranche Dressinge materializes across the room, blaster out and pointing
at T'Pau -- through Soraya.
T'Pau: Kroika!
T'Pau knocks Soraya to the floor as a blast roars above their heads. Gretzky
and McDonagh rush in from the balcony, phasers drawn.
Ghiasi (from the floor): No! Jason, get us out of here!
* * * * *
The away team, accompanied by T'Pau, appear at the spaceport near the Vulcan
embassy shuttle.
T'Pau: The future of the Federation is in safe hands. I will return to
Vulcan at once. (She steps onto the shuttle.)
Parker (worried): You didn't tell her anything--?
Ghiasi: I had to. It was the only way to convince her. (puts up a hand)
But I trust her. Her guards, the police force, I don't trust. That's
why we had to get out of there when we did.
Taubman: And the bounty hunter?
Ghiasi: We still have to stop him and those bombs.
* * * * *
Dressinge: Stupid damn... (sudden realization) There aren't supposed to
be any transporters yet! Those people are from the future! (grumble)
I bet Bloocheez is trying to get out of paying me. We'll see about this...
Dressinge begins to flip switches as he powers up his spacecraft.
* * * * *
In the dungeons below the Council meeting chamber, the Away Team huddles
in silent darkness. They occasionally hide when they hear footsteps in
the distance.
Gretzky: Sh**! This bomb is programmed to detonate in ten minutes!
Ghiasi: Which means the others will probably be set for the same.
Parker (looking into tricorder): I've got a lock on another.
Ghiasi: McDonagh, take Susan and Jason. Find the other bombs. I'll call
you when we're done with this one.
McDonagh: But--
Ghiasi: No time to argue. Just go!
Taubman activates the Croutonizer and the three of them disappear. Gretzky
takes the front panel off the detonator.
Ghiasi: Have you ever defused one of these before?
Gretzky: No. Have you?
* * * * *
McDonagh: Well, it looks like a simple HVR quark cryptogram lock.
Parker: You call that *simple*? How long will it take you to defuse it?
McDonagh: I don't know. I've never done it before.
Taubman: Why don't we just Croutonize them all, store the patterns, then
just erase the patterns?
McDonagh (ignoring him): Now, first...
* * * * *
Ghiasi: Five minutes, Wayne. And we still don't know how many bombs
he planted.
Gretzky: Well, don't look at me! Bo may know *, but I sure don't!
I'm a hockey forward, not an all-sportsman.
Ghiasi: Well...try the green wire.
Gretzky: It's *never* the green wire.
Ghiasi: How do you know?
Gretzky: Hey! I've seen all 217 James Bond films three times!
Soraya throws her arms up in the air, shakes her head, and rolls her eyes.
Gretzky: Okay. (clips the blue one)
The timer stops.
Gretzky: He shoots he scores!!!
Ghiasi: Yes, but how many more are there?
* * * * *
Parker: The red one. (reaches in with wire clippers)
McDonagh: NO!!! NOT THE WED ONE!!!!!
Taubman (loudly): LOOK YOU TWO! WHY NOT JUST CROUTONIZE THE DAMN THINGS
INTO NOWHERE?
McDonagh: You know, Susan, I just had this incredible idea. Why don't
we just Croutonize--
In the background, they hear a rush of footsteps heading in their direction.
Jason throws the switch on his Croutonizer and sends away the bomb.
Taubman: Susan, have you found another bomb yet?
Parker: Not yet.
Taubman: Then we'll just have to get out of here.
Jason throws the switch and the three of them disappear -- just before
the security troops round the corner.
* * * * *
Ghiasi: I boosted the power on the tricorder. There's only one more bomb.
Gretzky: And about three minutes to defuse it.
Ghiasi: Have you been able to raise them?
Gretzky: No, I'm not getting an answer.
The hear footsteps rapidly approaching them.
Gretzky: That settles it. (He picks up Soraya up into his arms.)
Ghiasi: Uh...Wayne. What are you..uh..doing?
Gretzky: Press that little button on my chronometer.
She does. Roller blades spring out of the bottom and little rockets out of
the back of his boots.
Gretzky: Hang on.
The rockets fire and the two hurtle down the hallway, past two guards
who can't believe their eyes. They continue around corners, through
narrow passageways, and even over boxes.
Ghiasi (reading tricorder): Right around here somewhere.
Gretzky: Hit the off button!
Ghiasi: What off button? (Looking around his watch.)
Gretzky's eyes pop wide open as they head straight toward a wall.
Ghiasi: Oh, *that* off button. (Pushes it.)
They slam to a halt in the middle of the passageway. Wayne lowers Soraya
to the ground.
Gretzky (breathing a sigh of relief): If you had waited any longer...
Ghiasi (looking at her chronometer): We've got less than two minutes.
* * * * *
Parker: So where are we?
McDonagh: Dunno. Looks like the inside of a spaceship.
Taubman: Oops. I guess I overshot. (looking at the Croutonize) Talking
about overshot...this thing looks like it's met its match.
McDonagh: You mean?
Taubman: We can't Croutonize out of here.
Dressinge (standing in the doorway, chomping on his weedstick, a blaster
turned in their direction): Well, isn't that just *too* bad?
* * * * *
Gretzky: Found it! How much time?
Ghiasi: About twenty seconds.
Gretzky: I'm sure glad the Evi didn't program these things or we'd really
be in trouble.
Ghiasi: Yes yes yes. Just *defuse* it, will you?
Gretzky: Black, yellow, pink, blue. That should about do it.
Ghiasi: It's still counting down.
Gretzky: Oh, hell.
Gretzky rips the detonator off the face of the bomb. Soraya cringes,
expecting to be blown to bits, but nothing happens.
Ghiasi (angry): What do you think you're doing?
Gretzky: Typical HVR technology.
The detached detonator counts down 3..2..1..0...
* * * * *
Dressinge: So Bloocheez *didn't* double-cross me? And you people went
and defused all my bombs?!?
McDonagh (shrugging shoulders): Sorry.
Dressinge: I oughta-- (pause) Hmm, I wonder how much Bloocheez would
pay for some Federation prisoners? Think it would make up for otherwise
not completing the job I was paid to do?
Suddenly, a misty fog envelops McDonagh, Parker and Taubman as they
disappear from Dressinge's ship.
Dressinge (angry, slaps a panel): Awww, man!
* * * * *
Ghiasi: I hear more guards coming. Can you use your boots again?
Gretzky: We probably burned out the rockets with all those fancy
maneuvers and that sudden stop.
A misty fog envelops the two of them and they disappear, just before
the security people arrive.
* * * * *
[ An hour later. ]
The First Federation Council meeting begins in the main meeting chamber
on Babel. As the crowd quiets, a man steps forward to the podium.
Delegate: Before we begin this historic first meeting, I regret to
inform you that Ambassador T'Pau of Vulcan has refused a seat on the
Council. Another representative from Vulcan will be sent in her place.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Next time, on all-new episode of
Staaaaar Trek: The Crouton Generation
"The Crouton on the Edge of Forever, part 7: The Flight of the Croutons"
Kabeta, Highlander, Crossfire, Jez, and Tracy have finally convinced
Captain Picard that they are from the future buuuuuuuut will they be
able to finish upgrading the weapons on the _Enterprise_-D before the
dreaded attack by the Hidden Valley Ranchers? Will this spell the end
of our heros? Is it possible that Jez and Commander Riker might throw
Pounce at the Ranchers? Will Guinan manage to make the perfect cup of
hot cocoa? And what will Counselor Troi do with Tracy's balls? Find out
on the next exciting episode of Star Trek: The Crouton Generation!
-----------------
Star Trek: The Crouton Generation
"The Crouton on the Edge of Forever"
part 7 of 9: "The Flight of the Croutons"
Written by Crossfire and Admiral Avenger
Guest stars
Patrick Stewart as Captain Jean-Luc Picard
Jonathan Frakes as Commander William T. Riker
Brent Spiner as Lieutenant Commander Data
LeVar Burton as Lieutenant Geordi LaForge
Marina Sirtis as Counselor Deanna Troi
Michael Dorn as Lieutenant (jg) Worf
Diana Muldaur as Dr. Katherine Pulaski
Wil Wheaton as Acting Ensign Wesley Crusher
Colm Meaney as Transporter Chief O'Brien
Jose Canseco as Commander Q. Kumbir
Whoopi Goldberg as Guinan
Andreas Katsulas as Commander Tomalok
Incidental Music by Iggy Pop
Directed by Tom Baker
Produced by Colin Baker
[We see the USS _Enterprise_ NCC 1701-D go zipping by on Warp Drive.]
"Captain's Log, stardate 42424.2. The _Enterprise_ is on a heading for
the Luthor star system in the Neutral Zone, and we will in fact be entering
the Neutral Zone in a little over an hour. Meanwhile, our guests from the
future have made a proposal to me to alter the photon weapon system of the
_Enterprise_ in order to make it more powerful. I am reluctant to allow
them access to our weapon systems, since I am not entirely certain that
they can be trusted."
[Interior, Captain's Ready Room. Picard, Riker, Kabeta and Crossfire
are all sitting. Crossfire looks put out and angry, and he gets ups
and starts to pace.]
Crossfire: Without our help, your technology won't have a chance against
their futuristic weapons. Oh, maybe against one ship you would, but
I bet there's at least three. Probably more.
Picard: You must understand our position. We do not know if you are who
you say you are.
Kabeta: The only way you'll be convinced is when you run into those aliens
in the Luthor system, isn't it?
Crossfire [very angry now]: And by then it'll be too late!
Kabeta [getting up and catching Crossfire]: Commander, calm down a little,
okay?
[Crossfire takes a breath, then goes over to the food dispenser in the corner.]
Crossfire: Tea, Earl Grey, hot.
[He brings the extra over to Picard, who looks at it, then at him, his eyebrow
raised.]
Crossfire: See?
[He exits. A moment passes, in silence. Picard takes a drink.]
Riker: He's a bit touchy, isn't he?
Kabeta: This mission is very important to him, I think. If we fail,
our timeline will cease...your future will be ruined.
Riker: Still, I'd expect a little more self-control from a Starfleet officer.
Kabeta [a little peeved]: Commander Riker, Crossfire is one of the finest
officers I've ever served with. His help has been invaluable in the
fights with the Lucky...er... [She stops, takes a deep breath, and
sits tensely on the edge of a chair.] Starfleet is very important to
him. He's laid his life on the line for it before. Now he's helpless,
bound not only by his loyalty to you two and Starfleet's Prime Directive,
but to the fact that if he reveals too much, he could destroy the future
just as effectively as these aliens. His hands are tied, and a man like
him doesn't care for that.
[A pause, during which both Kabeta and Riker look at Picard, who is staring
into his Earl Grey tea. After a moment he gets up and starts to leave.]
Picard: Number One, the bridge is yours.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
[Interior, Ten Forward Lounge. Crossfire is sitting at the forward table,
staring out at the stars. Guinan walks up to him.]
Guinan: Hello.
Crossfire [starting, then turning. He smiles.]: Guinan. Hi.
Guinan: You have me at a disadvantage.
Crossfire [closing his eyes in irritation, and sighing.]: Yes, I do.
[A moment passes]
Guinan: You've come a long way.
[Crossfire nods.]
Guinan: I've got just the thing for you. [she leaves, then returns a moment
later with a steaming mug, and sets it down in front of Crossfire.]
There.
Crossfire: What's this?
Guinan: Hot cocoa, made with condensed milk and earth cocoa powder. It's
a specialty of mine.
Crossfire: How did you know this is my favorite...?
[Guinan winks, and walks off. Crossfire watches her, bemused. We follow his
line of sight, and as it sweeps past the doors, we see Picard walk in and head
for Crossfire's table.]
Picard: May I join you?
[Crossfire gestures disinterestedly. Picard takes a seat. The two are silent
for a while; Picard is waiting. Finally Crossfire speaks.]
Crossfire: Why don't you believe me?
Picard [after a second]: I don't know what I am to you in the future, but
right now I don't know a thing about you. For all I know, you and your
compatriots might just be Romulan spies.
Crossfire [looking at Picard and smiling ruefully]: And so we cooked up an
unpredicted supernova, references to the Time Donut--er, Guardian, your
favorite tea, the invasion of the Bugs, all just as a cover? It's pretty
good, isn't it?
[A moment passes.]
Crossfire: I'm sorry I got a little excited back there. This is very
important to me.
Picard: Yes. Captain Kabeta said so.
Crossfire [smiling]: Good old Kabeta. She doesn't even know me.
Picard: Neither do I.
[Another moment passes.]
Crossfire: The Federation...Starfleet...is my whole life. I've never known
anything else. I've fought to protect it from five different alien
races. And finally, we're on the verge of signing a peace treaty
with the Romulan Empire. I've dreamed about that ever since I was a
midshipman. And now it's all threatened by those damn Hidden Valley
Ranchers.
[Crossfire is staring into his cocoa and doesn't notice Picard's reaction to
the first mention of the Ranchers.]
Crossfire [softly]: Please, Jean-Luc. Let me do my job.
Picard [firmly, after a moment]: Commander, there will be a meeting in
Main Engineering in fifteen minutes. I will expect you to be there.
Crossfire [looking at Picard, smiling]: Yes, sir.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
[Interior, Main Engineering. Picard, Riker, Geordi, Data, Wes, and the Croutons
are all standing around the main console.]
Picard: What do you propose to do?
Crossfire: Okay. We intend to modify your old-fashioned photon torpedo system
slightly, upping the power and changing a few conversion circuits here and
there. We're going to convert them from matter/antimatter bombs into
condensed packages of Croutons. Guidance and firing controls should be
the same; they'll just pack a little more punch.
Riker: Croutons?
Geordi: Are we fighting salads?
Crossfire [smiling]: No, we're fighting a Q. Kumbir. [His hands start to move
across the display, changing things and moving circuits around.] Now, by
converting here, and across here, upping the linkages here, altering the
matter feed, reverse biasing the antimatter couplings, and trimming the
whole lot with er...um...a few...ah...picofarads of capacitance, voila!
Geordi [looking at the new setup]: The ship blows up.
Crossfire: Not if we reverse the polarity of the neutron flow.
Tracy: You look confused, Data.
Data: That would be a correct assumption, sir.
Tracy: Well, it's probably because you've got an egg in your ear. Here, see?
[He reaches behind Data's ear and conjures up a hard-boiled egg, handing it
to Data.]
Tracy: There. That should take care of it.
[Data stares at the egg, befuddled.]
Data: I am afraid it did not work, sir. I am still confused.
Wes [staring at the new circuit]: This whole setup doesn't make any
sense. It's going to generate some strange particle.... [Wes fades
out, thinking hard.]
Tracy [rolling his eyes]: There goes Elroy.
Geordi: This'll never work.
Crossfire: It will!
Geordi: And I'm telling you it won't! These particles are not going to
be compacted at all. They'll go *fweeeee!* and destroy the whole
ship!
Crossfire: I am smart. I will make it go. Here, look. [He runs a computer
simulation.] See?
Geordi: That's...that's absurd.
Crossfire: I always thought so myself, but then I never did understand
quantum mechanics.
Geordi: How much power will you need?
Crossfire: I think about 1.21 GWatts should do.
Geordi: Wes, what do you think?
[Wes is standing there, staring at the board like a TV with a blown fuse.
Tracy: Yo! Jetboy! [he hits Wes on the side of the head] Wake up!
Wes: Huh? Oh...I think it'll work... This is great!
Jez: Meow bo mew! [Bo knows Croutons!]
Data: Mowe bo Mweee! [Bo knows your wife!]
Jez [shaking his head]: Meow meow mew mrow. [Let's get to work.]
* * * * * * * * * * * *
"Captain's Log, stardate 42425.4. We are now seventeen minutes away from the
Luthor star system in the Neutral Zone. Long range scanners haven't found any
indications of either the Romulans, or of our alien foes. Yet."
Wes: Now entering the Luthor system.
Picard: Engage impulse engines. Take us in to Lex, the second planet. Yellow
alert.
Worf: Sensor are still clear...there are no ships in this sector.
Riker: What about these planets?
Data: The planet Lex Luthor is a class p planet, no life forms. The other
planets in the system are all gas giants and...
Worf: Sir! Now detecting a ship, entering the sector...
Picard: What do you make of her?
Worf: Now entering full sensor range...[He is astonished.] Sir! It's
the _Enterprise_!
Riker: What?
Worf: It looks exactly like our ship! Must be a sensor malfunction....
Data: The sensors are in perfect condition.
Worf: Now entering visual range. It's dropping out of warp.
Picard: On screen.
[The screen shows, sure enough, the _Enterprise_-D approaching.]
Riker: Wow.
Picard: Hailing frequencies.
Worf: Hailing...no response. Their shields are going up, and ... I can
no longer scan their vessel! Their shields are preventing any sensor
scans!
Crossfire: Captain, they're going to fire on us...they have to, in order to
maintain their ruse.
Picard: Shields up. Go to Red Alert. Arm all weapons, and hail them again.
Worf: They are responding, sir.
Picard [standing]: On screen.
[The screen shows Commander Q. Kumbir, looking particularly vile and happy.]
Kumbir [ss]: Well, if it isn't the famous Picard. And Riker. My, I get to
destroy the Federation's top minds in one stroke. Very good.
Picard: You will withdraw from the Neutral Zone immediately.
Kumbir [ss]: Oh yes. Soon enough. But I'll deal with you first. You see,
the Federation will think the Romulans destroyed you, and the Romulans
already think you destroyed two of their ships. It's perfect. Which
reminds me, what *are* you doing in the Neutral Zone?
[Kabeta, Highlander, and Jez all walk into camera range.]
Kabeta: Why, we're here to stop you, of course.
Kumbir [ss, astonished]: You! [He smiles.] My little chickie! Well, and
you brought your pet. And the cat, too. How nice. [Jez hisses, and
Highlander growls.]
Crossfire: Behave yourself, Kumbir.
Kumbir: You too, huh? I don't suppose you've brought along your wretched
Admiral Avenger, have you?
Kabeta: The game's up, Kumbir. Get yourself back home, and we won't
have to make this any worse that it already is.
Kumbir: Oh, darling, it's already much worse than you think.
[The screen flicks back, showing the fake _Enterprise_. It fires, striking
the real _Enterprise_.]
Worf: Forward shields are down! They hit us with the equivalent of 80 of
our photon torpedos!
Crossfire: Captain....!
Picard: Evasive pattern Spock-2A!
[Exterior. The real _Enterprise_ feints toward the fake one, then dashes
away. A volley of photon torpedos from the unreal _Enterprise_ misses our
heros by miles.]
[Interior, Bridge.]
Picard: Arm the new torpedos. Dispersal pattern tango.
Worf: Ready.
Picard: Fire.
[The lights on the bridge dim as the new system draws all the spare energy
into itself, converts it into Croutons, and fires them at the ship.]
[Exterior. Seven Crouton Torpedos lance out toward the enemy vessel, striking
it.]
[Interior, bridge.]
Worf: Direct hit. [He smiles a vicious little smile]: *Their* shields are
down.
Riker: Those things pack a hell of a punch.
Crossfire: What did I tell you?
Picard: Lieutenant, prepare a salvo of phaser fire, and invite them to
stand to.
[The screen flicks to show Q. Kumbir again. His bridge is smoking, but
still functional.]
Kumbir [ss]: Damn you! You think you're sooooooooo clever, don't you,
you stupid Croutons! I'll show you!
[Exterior. *TWO* Aye-Karum-Bah class HVR Heavy Cruisers decloak, surrounding
the _Enterprise_.]
[Interior, bridge.]
Worf: We are surrounded, sir. Forward shields are back up, at fourty percent.
Picard: Continuous fire, all phasers. Fire standard photon torpedos.
[Exterior. We see the _Enterprise_ release what would be a deadly salvo
of weapon fire, if it hit something other than futuristic technology. Phaser
fire from every phaser bank hits a ship, and photon torpedos hit their marks.]
[Interior, Bridge.]
Worf: Our weapons had no effect.
Crossfire: Sir, if you can bring us around to 223.41, wait three seconds
while I fire a pattern of Crouton torpedos, then do a Warp One jump
to 913.32, we can get outside of their formation and attack them from
behind.
Riker: That would probably burn out our engines!
Highlander: Or you can just sit here and let them kill us.
Picard: Make it so.
Worf: Ready.
Wes: Course ready.
Picard: Engage.
[Exterior. The _Enterprise_ whirls, firing a spread of Crouton Torpedos,
then zips away to the far side of the three ships.]
[Interior, Bridge.]
Worf: All three ships were hit. The...er..._Enterprise_'s shields are down
again, and one of the other ships has now lost their starboard deflector
grid.
Geordi [ic]: Engineering to Bridge! We've got a problem!
Picard: Go ahead, Lieutenant.
Geordi [ic]: The weapons system is starting to burn out. It wasn't designed
for this heavy a load on the power feeds. I estimate another five minutes
before we lose them all together.
Kabeta: Uh oh.
Crossfire: Dammit! Worf, watch our backside!
Worf: Enemy vessel aft!
Picard: Fire aft torpedos!
[Exterior. The weakened crouton torpedos strike the ship, and are absorbed
by its shields.]
[Interior, bridge.]
Worf: Their shields are weakened, sir. They're firing...!
[The _Enterprise_ rocks as it is hit on two sides by weapons from the future.]
Riker is thrown from his chair. Crossfire flies across the back of the
bridge, landing in turbolift 1. Kabeta is thrown forward, almost manages to
keep her feet, then trips over and falls in a heap on Riker. Tracy and
Highlander manage to support each other.]
Kabeta: Pardon me, Commander.
Picard: Damage report, Lieutenant!
Worf: Our shields are down. Thermal damage to the Main Hull....Our weapons
are nonfunctional!
Riker: Bridge to Engineering! We need our weapons back, Geordi!
Geordi [ic]: Tell me about it, Commander...but it's impossible. The new
setup has completely fused. It's going to take a stint in drydock to
fix it.
[A pause.]
Picard: This is not good.
Crossfire: Dammmit! There's got to be something we can do!
[The viewscreen changes, showing Q. Kumbir again.]
Kumbir [ss]: Nice try, fools. But now I'm going to settle the account
swiftly. With interest; you must be made to pay.
[The viewscreen switches back to an exterior view, and we can see the three
ships maneuvering around the crippled _Enterprise_.]
Picard: Lieutenant Worf, what's the status of our shields?
Worf: What shields?
Data: Subspace disturbances, port side aft, astern, and starboard.
Picard: What? On scr...
[Exterior. We see three Romulan Warbirds decloak, surrounding the area.
They open fire on one of the Aye-Karum-Bah class ships, collapsing its
shaky shields and destroying it. Then they attack the fake _Enterprise_.
Its shields soon go, and then its outline wavers and it changes appearance
back to its original form: The _C-Throo_. It begins to move off, and one
of the warbirds persue.]
[Interior, Bridge.]
Kumbir [ss]: Curses! Foiled again!
[His image vanishes, and on the screen we see the _C-Throo_ vanish into warp.]
Data: They are moving away at warp....15, sir.
Worf: We are being hailed by the Romulans, sir.
[The screen changes again, and Commander Tomalok appears, smirking.]
Tomalok: Captain Picard. How pleasant to see you again. We seem to have an
imposter amongst us. Are you the genuine article? Or do we have to
destroy you, too?
Picard: Commander Tomalok, we were here because we had...information
suggesting that there was someone masquerading as the _Enterprise_ and
attacking Romulan ships.
Tomalok: Picard, we are not going to discuss such mundane matters with
you now. We intend to deal with these intruders...and then any other
hostile ship that might be remaining in the Neutral Zone afterward.
Picard: Then we...will withdraw.
Tomalok: Very wise.
[His image vanishes, and we see the three Warbirds enveloping the hapless
HVR ship in a sphere of disruptor fire. It explodes shortly.]
Picard: Set a course for Federation space. Warp 2.
Wes: Aye sir.
Picard: Engage.
[Exterior. As the _Enterprise_ swings around, the three Warbirds turn
in the opposite direction and cloak. The _Enterprise_ leaps into warp.]
[Interior, Bridge.]
Riker: I can't wait to hear what the Romulans have to say about THIS.
Kabeta: They probably won't say anything. But since you did almost die
trying to expose Q. Kumbir's ruse, it might actually serve to strengthen
Federation/Romulan relationships.
Picard: That would be a welcome change.
Highlander: *ahem* I think we'd better be going.
Kabeta: Oh yeah. Well, it's been real, it's been fun, but it hasn't
been real fun, folks. Come on, Jez. [She picks him up off of
Troi's lap, where he'd been sitting. She and Highlander head for the
turbolift.]
Tracy: Hey, Counselor. Hold my balls for me, will ya?
[He tosses four multicolored superballs at her. She catches one, and the
others bounce off the back of the tactical station behind her, bounding
around the room like excited puppies. He goes into the turbolift, too.]
Kabeta: Crossfire, are you coming with us?
Crossfire: Oh, yeah.
[Crossfire heads for the turbolift, and Riker and Picard stand.]
Riker: But...wait!
Crossfire [turning, looking at Picard]: Oh, Captain--if you ever meet a very
nervous young midshipman, and he just kind of accidentally spills
guacamole on your dress uniform....go easy on him, okay? [He smiles,
salutes, and enters the turbolift. As the doors close, we can see
the Croutons grow hazy and indistinct, and then vanish.]
Picard: Well, Number One. Looks like we've saved the galaxy again.
Riker: Yes, sir. I think we should demand a pay raise and extra vacation
time.
Picard: I agree. Ensign Crusher, steady as she goes.
[They sit back down, and the _Enterprise_ moves serenely through warp
space.]
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Next time, on an all-new episode of
Staaaaar Trek: The Crouton Generation
"The Crouton on the Edge of Forever, Part 8: A Fistful of Croutons"
Captain Kirk makes a shocking discovery deep in Romulan space which forces
a final encounter with Commander Bloocheez. Can the Croutons keep Captain
Kirk's shirt from tearing? Will Icefalcon and T'Lilith help Dr. McCoy find
a cure for the plague? Will Euge and Chekov manage to get lucky with the
girls in shuttle maintenance? Find out, as Missy and Scotty fight to
fix the lights! (Oh, is *that* what they were doing?)
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