STAR TREK: THE CROUTON GENERATION
			  SEASON THREE
			Episodes #166-180
		  (Includes "Leave of Absence")
----------------------------------------------------------------------
To: junk@typhoon.ucar.edu
Subject: ST:TCG  (short)
Date: Mon, 13 May 91 01:16:45 MST
From: frechett@spot

	"Picture if You Will"

[Deep voice]
Picture if you will.. a gathering of people who share a common 
interest.  IT started as a joke.... and grew to great heights.. 
Picture a competition where members of this gathering write 
thirty second "episodes" simple to fill everyone's mailboxes.
These few tread on very thin ice and now is the time to fear 
for we are about to enter.... 
[Eerie tone of voice]
The Crouton Generation - The Dark side.

[Scene fades into half japaneese muttering to herself as she sits at her
terminal in her quarters]
hj: Damn, only 69 episodes... Let me just get this one done and it will be
	70.  He he he.. I will show them.. I will show them all.  
	I can truely be the most prolific writer of all the federation.
[View of the room from very close to the floor.  Picture of hj's chair 
and we see the back of her legs.  Door chimes.]

hj: Enter.... I'll be right with you.. Just three more and I will be up to 
	78... or was that 79.  
[Click is heard as she slams down the RETURN key blasting off yet another 
episode to her rapidly disappearing audience.  At this point the door slides 
open. ]
[ A slight shuffling is heard as an unknown person enters the room.  The keys
on hj's terminal continue to sing.  klickty klick tap tap tick klick... BASH]

hj: HAH! another one.. They will never forget that I don't have don't have 
	capitals in my name... Never.. ha ha ha ha ha.... 

unknown:  I thought I could reason with her... I see now that 
	it would be futile... I can't take it anymore.. Resistance is futile
	Episodes are irrelivant.

[We see the unknown person's feet cross cross the room to stand behind the 
chair in which hj has not moved.  KLICK as another episode is sent.  The 
typing continues..]

hj: One more.. and that will be 82... 

unknown: Half Japanees..... 

hj: Hmmm what should I call this one?  How about Croutons wit.. HEH!!! 
	There were Capitals in that line.. 
[We see hj turn to face our unknown]

hj: How many times have I ...............

[Look of shock]

hj: HEH!!! what is that?

[A low purrring sound is heard, rapidly increasing in pitch and intensity.]

unknown: Don't worry.. WE won't feel a thing.

hj: Bu.....

[A brilliant light illuminates the room and a groan is heard as we see 
hj bathed in a halo of energy... .....  . . .  ...... .. 
half japaneese's head turns as she slumps and as it hits the keyboard 
the familiar CLICK is heard and the episode is sent.]

unknown: Thank you... I am feeling MUCH better now.

[As the doors open and our unknown assaliant leaves the room.. the picture
turns toward the terminal screen, and there we see:

To: junk@typhoon.ucar.edu.earth.sol
Subject: ST:TCG (short)

	"Croutons wit,k87nmkl98743nkleag87y4klh6-.
ds
4qp4
.
Cc:
Mail? 

]

Who has assaulted our prolific captain and what did they use?  Will we 
ever know the name of her last episode?  Does anyone really care?

All this and more, the next time.... we enter... the Crouton Generation.

	-=Runaway Daemon=-   (The invisible)

----------------
Date: Tue, 14 May 91 0:20:08 edt
From: "Tumbleweed (Fields, Justin)" 
Subject: ST:TCG *PROMO*

Next time on an all new...

                STAR TREK: THE CROUTON GENERATION

                        "Leave of Absence"

        A new prototype starship is tested. Its crew are in for certain
danger. Will the crew survive the calamities that follow? While on the ship,
will Captain half japanese make the crew do pushups? (What a silly question.)
What happens in the Holodeck? Elsewhere, will the cops catch Justin and Euge?
What were they doing wrong to begin with? One crew member will not return.
Who? How?? Why???

        Find out on the next Star Trek: The Crouton Generation....

-----
Date: Tue, 14 May 91 0:21:43 edt
From: "Tumbleweed (Fields, Justin)" 
Subject: ST:TCG *LONG*

[Lt. JG Fields is in his cabin aboard the _USS Chivalier_. He is writing in a
  thick leatherbound book.]

Lt. JG Fields' Private Log:

        I have been asked to take a "vacation" to go help with the testing of a
prototype starship equipped with the No-Doz Drive. It should be interesting.
On the way back to good 'ole Earth, I'll have a lot of time to think. Two weeks
of it. And I have a lot to think about...


* - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - *


        .            . .       .       .               .       .
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        .              .  .  .        .      .       .      *
             *     .    .        .  .    .       *      .
        .           .     . *        .     .      .   .
                  .  .    .     _____/O\_____   .     .     .
          .      .  ___/=============================\___       .
         _/=======================================================\_
       ./___________________________________________________________\
        .  \_____________________________________________________/
       ..                   \___________________/
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         ..   /======\             .\ | /   .    .     /======\
             |##    ##| .      .   . \ /     .        |##    ##|
        * .   \______/ .    .       _| |_       *    . \______/
            .    ||    .         __/     \__ .   .        ||
         .     .  \\       .  ._/  _______  \_.      .   //    .
                  .\\_________/   / +++++ \   \_________// .
       .    .       .=========\_  \_______/  _/=========
                  .           . \___________/        *   .         .



       XXXXXX XXXXXXX XXXX    XXXXX       XXXXXXX  XXXXX      XXXXXX  X____X
      X                  X         X                    X
       XXXX     X    X   X   XXXXX          X     XXXXX     XXXXXX  XXXX
           X   X    X    X  X     X        X     X     X   X       X    X
   XXXXXXXX   X    XXXXXXX X      X       X     X      X  XXXXXX  X      X

                  T H E   C R O U T O N   G E N E R A T I O N


                              "Leave of Absence"


        Written by Justin Fields

        Featuring:
                Lt. JG Justin Fields
                Lt. Euge Yee
                Lt. Susan Parker
                Cpt. half japanese

        Guest Starring:
                Larry, Moe, and Curly as "The Cops"

        Special Apearance by Vice Admiral Data

        Directed by Stanley Kubrick

        Opening Picture and Logo by EugeGraphix (tm)
                Used here with special permission of the owner. Recording or
                rebroadcasting these trademarked symbols without the direct
                written consent of EugeGraphix is illegal. Violators will be
                tortured very slowly, and then shot.

        Music by Antonin Dvorak (New World Symphony and Carnival Overture)
                        [Berliner Philharmoniker, von Karajan cond.]

                 Gustav Mahler (Resurrection Symphony [#2] )
                        [Saint Louis Symphony Orcestra, Slatkin cond.]

                 Peter Ilyich Tchaivovsky (1812 Overture)
                        [Boston Pops, Williams cond.] (For Euge.)

                 Ottorino Respighi (The Pines and Fountains of Rome)
                        [Montreal Symphony Orchestra, Dutoit cond.]

        Thanks to Admiral Avenger for all the background and Trek tech info.


* - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - *

[Lt. JG Fields and Lt. Yee arrive on the un-named prototype starship (which is
  in Earth orbit) with their bags in hand. Their jaws promptly drop and emit
  drool as they walk by engineering. Nestled comfortably among the other
  equipment is the brand new No-Doz Drive, still gleaming from its recent
  manufacture.]

Yee:  Well?
Fields:  I can't wait to get it warmed up and running. It should be a pleasure
  for me to drive this baby!
Yee:  You?? *I* am going to drive this starship!
Fields:  Are not!
Yee:  Are too!
Fields: Are not!
Yee: R-2
Fields: D-2
Yee: C-3PO

[Fade out, leaving the two of them arguing like pre-schoolers in engineering.]

****

[Euge and Justin are gossiping casually on the bridge when hj enters.]

hj:  Hiya guys.
Fields & Yee (in unison) :  Hi. (flirt, flirt)
hj:  How are my low-ranking studpuppets doing?
Yee : Okay.
Fields:  Just fine, hj. Do you know how long we have to wait before we can
  take this starship out for it's test run?
hj:  We are still waiting for the engineers to finish their final check. And
  Lt. Parker isn't here yet either.
Fields (smirking, mumbles to himself): Just the four of us? Hmm.. Euge and hj;
  Susan and me.... Couldn't have arranged this better if I'd tried.
hj (looking at Justin): Whats so funny?
Yee:  He is probably thinking crude, obscene thoughts again.
hj:  Oh. In that case, carry on Lt. Fields. (wink)

****

[Later, in Ten Forward. Lt. JG Fields is sitting alone. The ship is unstaffed,
  so he had gone behind the bar and pulled out a large bottle of liquor for
  himself. He pours another few ounces onto the ice in his glass. His elbows
  are resting on a table in the dim and otherwise empty bar, with his head in
  his hands. He is pretty quiet and pensive, considering how long he has been
  imbibing. hj enters, but Justin doesn't notice. She walks up behind him and
  puts a hand on his shoulder.]

hj:  Hi.
Fields (falling over in surprise): Wah!! Where did you come from?
hj:  Behind you. What are you doing in here by yourself getting drunk.
Fields (getting back up onto his chair): Thinking.

[hj waits awhile for Justin to continue, but he doesn't.]

hj:  Yeah, about what?
Fields:  What I am going to do with my life.
hj:  Whaddaya mean?
Fields:  I think I am going to leave Starfleet.
hj (surprised): Why???
Fields:  I just don't know what I am doing here. I seem to be wasting my time.
  I have no idea what I *want* to do here. I'm not sure I can see myself
  spending the rest of my life in starships.
hj:  I think I know what you mean. You're homesick.
Fields:  No, its not that simple. I like Starfleet, but I also want to do
  different things.
hj:  Like what?
Fields:  I dunno. That's the problem. If I knew exactly what I wanted to do,
  I would go out and do it. There are a zillion things I want to do in my
  lifetime, most of which can't be done in Starfleet. I want to fly, in an
  old-fashioned biplane, with air whistling by. I want to skydive, scubadive,
  and explore just one world. I want to truly know someplace, I am sick of
  being a constant visitor on other worlds. That (points vehemently out the
  window at the view of Earth) is the most beautiful planet I have ever seen.
  I want to hike, canoe, and travel all over Earth. I want to meet people.
hj:  But you can always go to the Holodeck...
Fields (interrupting):  The Holodeck isn't real. It doesn't count. It's okay
  as a change of scenery, but you can't meet real people, fall in love, and
  have a real family in that damned mental masturbation machine.
hj (chuckles): Hmph.
Fields:  What?
hj:  Euge is in the Holodeck now.
Fields:  What program is he running?
hj:  What else but the usual?
Fields (laughs loudly):  Yeah. The '95 Paula Abdul concert and backstage party
  program. If it was stored on magnetic computer tapes he would have worn it
  out a long time ago.
hj:  Do you have a job or anything lined up?
Fields:  Nope.
hj: Does anything interest you? Well, besides the obvious...(winks)
Fields:  (sighs) Not to be rude hj, but I want to think about this by myself
  for awhile. Nothin' personal. Okay?
hj (obviously worried): Yeah, okay.

[hj gets up and leaves Justin still cogitating. The once full bottle is now
  down to the last dregs.]

****

[Late the next morning. A bright-eyed Lt. Parker enters Ten Forward to find
  Justin laying on top of the bar. To her surprise, he is wide awake reading a
  book. He looks up and sees here there. He hops off the bar and gives her a
  quick hug.]

Fields:  Hey sexy, when did you get in?
Parker:  About 20 minutes ago. Captain hj told me that I would probably find
  you in here snoozing off a rather large hangover. Whats up?
Fields (smiling): Nothing, yet...
Parker (reaching down): I can fix that.
hj (a minute later, paging):  Lts. Fields and Parker, please report to the
  bridge.
Parker:  This looked (glancing down) *quite* promising. DAMN her timing!!
hj:  I heard that!!!
Fields:  We're on the way, Captain.

****

[That night: Justin and Euge head toward the shuttlebay with mischevious grins.]

Yee:  Can not.
Fields:  Can to.

[Justin and Euge board different shuttlecrafts. Justin takes the Relativity and
  Euge takes the Puddle. They are seen zooming toward Earth.]

Fields (over sub-space radio): Euge, I'm winning.
Yee (also over radio): No fair, you had a head start.

[The two mad pilots are seen entering the atmosphere. They then proceed to run
  slaloms though the builings of Starfleet Headquarters. They take evasive
  action and land the shuttlecrafts in the suburbs of Maryland, about 15 miles
  northwest of Washington D.C. Justin emerges from the Relativity wearing a
  big coat with a lot of pockets. Euge comes out of the Puddle dressed
  similiarly.]

Fields:  Good thing its cold. It makes the bulky coats a little bit less
  conspicuous.
Yee:  Are you sure about this?
Fields:  Of course. Trust me.

[The two delinquent Starfleet officers wander around the old streets. Justin
  is acting quite odd. He is crossing the streets back and forth every half
  block or so.]

Yee:  What are you doing?
Fields:  Checking bolts.
Yee:  What for?
Fields (stopping to point): Look at that one.
Yee:  What about it?
Fields:  Look at the nuts. They are round and beveled. Too difficult.
Yee (resuming what appears to be a Drunkard's Walk): I see.
Fields:  Lt. Yee, your analysis of this one.
Yee (mockingly):  Well sir, it appears to have an abundance of Fe2 O3.
Fields:  Quite correct. Rust. Too much effort.

[After crossing several streets and meandering around for another fifteen
  minutes, Justin stops. He is about to start when he suddenly stands back up
  and starts walking away calmly as a car drives by. After a few minutes, he
  turns around and walks right back.]

Fields:  Okay. This one will do for starters. I had to wait for the cops to go
  away.
Yee:  That one is huge.
Fields:  No cabbage-head, the one under that!! (Hand out, palm up.) Adjustable
  wrench!!
Yee (handing it over): Here.
Fields (tightening it onto a shiny hexagonal bolt): Hold!

[Euge does so. Justin faces the other side and pulls something out of his
pocket.]

Fields (muttering): 1/2? No. 5/8? Bingo. (aloud, clearly) Hold tight.

[Justin whips a Craftsman ratchet out of another pocket, attatches it, and
  starts ratcheting very quickly. The bolt soon drops off.]

Fields:  Top bolt!

[Euge places the wrench on the top bolt and Justin immediately begins removing
  it.]

Fields:  Damn!
Yee:  What?
Fields (grunting): Its tight.

[The nut is soon off, and Justin pockets both it and the bolt. He also pulls
  down the sign and places it inside his jacket. He starts walking away.]

Fields: Come on.
Yee (catching up): That was easy.
Fields (passing the nut and bolt over to Euge): Take a look.
Yee (examining the bolt, which had been sheared right in half): Oh.
Fields:  This sign is yours.
Yee:  No. You took it down.
Fields:  I already have my share of signs.
Yee (thoughtfully): My very own 4-Way.
Fields:  Pervert!

****

[The next afternoon. Captain half japanese, and Lts. Fields, Parker, and Yee
  are in their best Starfleet dress uniforms. They are all nervously awaiting a
  visitor in Croutonizer room 3. Lt. Parker gets the signal to begin
  Croutonizing. A figure appears. After brief ceremony, Vice Admiral Data
  officially names the ship the _USS Escher_. There is much rejoicing. Vice
  Admiral Data eventually leaves and the _USS Escher_ is cleared to leave the
  following morning (when everyone recovers.)]

****

[Captain hj, Lts. Yee, Parker, and Fields are all on the bridge of the newly
  named _USS Escher_. hj is in the captain's chair grinning. Susan is at the
  science station. Justin and Euge are fighting as to who should be at the com
  and ops positions. Eventually they agree to take turns. Justin is first at
  the con since he is bigger.]

Yee:  We just got the all-clear and best wishes from Starfleet.
hj:  Lt. Fields, 1/2 impulse power.
Fields:  Aye aye.

[The _USS Escher_ slowly glides away from the space station which manufactured
  her. The starship is under its own power for the first time. They slowly
  maneuver out of Earth orbit, increasing to full impulse as they go.]

hj:  Is everyone ready?
Parker, Yee, and Fields:  Yes captain.
hj:  Engage the No-Doz drive. Factor 1.
Fields:  Aye aye, cap'n. Puttin' up the spinnaker and the jib.
hj:  Will you cut that out!!!!
FIelds:  Aye aye, cap'n.
hj (screaming):  Lt. Fields, 50 pushups, right now!
Fields: Aye, aye..
hj (interrupting): Make it a hundred!!!!
Fields (beginning): 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9......
Parker (to Yee): He really doesn't know when to keep his mouth shut does he?
Yee:  Not really. Sometimes, well actually most of the time, he *is* too
  stubborn for his own good.
Fields (a couple minutes later): 51. 52. 53. 54. 55. 56. 58...
hj:  I heard that. No cheating. Start all over again!!!!!

[After a few more minutes, Lt. Fields is finally done doing his pushups.]

Parker (to hj): Next time make him do sit ups. He hates them even more.
hj:  Thanks. I'll remember that.
Fields (sarcastically): Yeah, thanks.
hj:  Lets see what this ship can do. No-Doz factor 8, Lt.
Yee (pushing Justin aside): I'll get it. No-Doz factor 8. (to Justin) I
  wouldn't want you to have to do any more pushups.

[The _USS Escher_ continues at No-Doz factor 8 for awhile without problems.
  Everything appears to be working perfectly.]

****

[Since No-Doz speed has been acheived and the mission seems to be a success,
  Justin and Susan leave the ship safely in the hands of Euge, Cpt. hj, and the
  ship's computer. Cpt. hj and Euge see Susan and Justin trying to sneak off
  the bridge, which is hard considering that there are only 4 people on the
  entire ship. They stop to embrace and kiss, once off the bridge. The charming
  couple is seen entering the Holodeck.]

Fields:  *This* is what Holodecks are for, not for solitary amusement.
  Computer, run program "JDF 01".

[The transformation the Holodeck undergoes is miraculous. The gridlike surface
  dissolves to become a dense tropical rainforest. A snowcapped mountain
  towers to the left, and the sea is only a short distance to the right. The
  landscape is eerie, like some surrealist cartographer's nighmare. A tall
  waterfall brings cool water down from the mountain heights into the steamy
  heat of the jungle. A small lagoon rests at the bottom of this waterfall.
  Mysterious cries of unknown animals are heard over the soft background of
  "The Pines and Fountains of Rome".
        Justin and Susan's appearances change as well. They are now out of
  Starfleet uniforms and dressed in camping gear reminiscent of the late
  twentieth century. They are both wearing simple bluejeans, T-shirts,  and
  hiking boots. Each carries a small backpack with provisions.]

Parker:  Oooh!
Fields:  Now where was I? Oh yeah, right about here...

[Justin turns to kiss Susan, who is happy to oblige. After awhile, they pry
  themselves apart.]

Fields:  The campsite is a little ways up that way. (Pointing toward the
  waterfall.) It is a nice place for lunch.

[After about an hour of hiking, the two reach the waterfall. Justin lays out a
  large blanket and pulls provisions out of his pack; he asks Susan to empty
  her pack as well. He starts opening cans and she pours red liquid into two
  glasses.]

Fields (raising his glass in a toast):  Lunch is served. [Justin drinks.]
  Pppbbtthh!!! [Spits.] Kool-Aid!!!!! This sure isn't the nice red wine I told
  the computer to pack! Nevermind. I'll just get some mineral water. [Holds a
  canteen under the waterfall.]
Parker (says nothing but is grinning in mirth.):     ;-)
Fields:  My darling, could you please pass the pate?
Parker (grinning and holding in laughter):  Certainly dear.
Fields (looks in container): SPAM!!!
Parker (rolling around laughing): Hehehehehehehehehe....

        (Author's Note: Actually, I hate pate. Pan-fried Spam is better.)

Fields:  This ship is definitely not ready for a serious mission. It'll do for
  a test run, but the food replicator would drive a real crew to mutiny in no
  time.
Parker:  I wasn't that hungry anyway... at least not for food.
Fields (smiling): Well then, what might you be hungry for Susan?
Parker (peeling Justin's shirt off): Oh, I dunno...

        (Censor's Note:  Several pages containing graphic description of hours
          of hot, steamy, erotic sex have been deleted to keep this episode
          within the guidelines of an "R" rating. The Censors Bureau regrets
          any inconvience or confusion due to the omission. Please enjoy the
          remainder of the episode.)

        (Author's Note:  The Pines of Rome ended and was followed by the 1812
          Overture somehwere in the censored pages.)

[Musical Note: The 1812 Overture is now reaching the.. uhh, errr.. climax.]

[As the two lovers achieve fullfillment, they are tossed about the Holodeck
  like sacks of potatoes. It sounds like the very ground beneath them is
  trembling, and there is tremendous static electricity in the air. Bright
  colors fill the air, and there is a smell of ozone. They both remain on the
  ground embracing.]

Parker:  Justin, that was incredible. Nothing like that has ever happened to
  me before. [She snuggles closer, (if that is possible).]
Fields:  I seem to have that affect on women. It *was* great. [Smooch.]
Parker & Fields (in unison): Ooooooh, aaaahhhhhhh. (Post-coital bliss.)
hj (screaming over her commuicator):  Where the hell are you two?
Fields:  Well, uhhh....
Parker:  In the Holodeck, Captain. Why?
hj:  Why????? "Why?" you ask me!! Because we just had a total failure of the
  No-Doz drive, thats why. The ship just got ripped in half!!! Didn't you two
  feel it??
Parker & Fields (in unison, looking at each other):  Well Captain...
hj (interrupting): Whatever it is, I don't care. Get your butts onto the
  bridge!!!

****

[Lts. Parker and Fields manage to get to the bridge, and there they meet
  Captain hj and Lt. Yee.]

hj:  It blew up!!! There's nothing left of the engineering section or the
  engines themselves. The computer is still working and we have life support
  systems, but we aren't going anywhere any time soon.
Yee:  We still have communications and I sent a message to Starfleet. The
  rescue ship is on the way. Unfortunately, it will get here in about three
  days.
Fields (winking at both Susan and hj): There is nothing at all unfortunate
  about that.
Parker:  We just have to wait for the rescue ship, right? We aren't in any
  danger are we?
hj:  No, but I might start making you do push-ups if I get bored.
Fields (making a hasty exit):  Well, we'll keep out of your way until the
  rescue ship gets here. You can always call if you need us.
hj:  You're damn right I can call if I need you. I *am* the Captain. (to
  herself): I *do* like the sound of that.

****

[Euge corners Justin somewhere away from hj and Susan and asks him about
  why he is going to leave Starfleet.]

Yee:  I don't understand. Why are you leaving Starfleet?
Fields:  It just isn't the right place for me to be right now.
Yee:  Why not?
Fields:  I need some time to figure out what I want to do. I don't feel
  comfortable staying here when I should be out looking for a direction.
Yee:  What do you mean when you say you need to find a direction.
Fields:  I can do my job on the Chivalier, but I am not happy there. I need
  some time to think. I would feel guilty staying at my job when my heart
  wasn't in it. That isn't fair to anyone.
Yee:  I don't want you to go.
Fields:  But I have to.
Yee:  No you don't. Why is everyone leaving me?
Fields:  What do you mean?
Yee:  First Commander Carter thought about leaving, then half japanese left to
  command the _USS Suburu_, the Admiral is too far away for me to ever see in
  person and it's hard to talk to him. And now you're thinking of leaving too.
Fields:  Nobody is intentionally deserting you. It just has to happen.
Yee:  But I don't want it to.
Fields:  So what should I do?
Yee:  Stay here.
Fields:  But you know that I can't do that. It just isn't practical. I *have*
  to go. It wouldn't be fair to me or to anyone else for me to stay.
Yee:  But I want you to.
Fields:  I can't. Lets change the subject. What should we do for the remainder
  of my time with Starfleet.
Yee:  I want to be with you.
Fields:  But you can't ditch your duties to do it.
Yee:  I know.
Fields:  Why don't you think up a list of fun things for the two of us to do
  that won't get us into too much trouble.

        (Author's Note: Not *that* you gutterminds!!! If I thought of it, one
          of you perverts probably did too. :-> )

Yee:  Okay.
Fields:  Wanna go camping when we get back to Earth? I know some great places
  for hiking and canoing.
Yee: That sounds great.
Fields:  Good. So cheer up and lets go find something to do.

****

[At midnight. Lts. Fields, Yee, and Parker enter the holodeck. Justin is
  carrying a faded old cardboard box.]

Fields:  You both ready?
Yee & Parker:  Yeah.
Fields:  Computer, run program "JDF 02".

[The holodeck changes into the summit of a Tibetan mountain. The wind is
  blowing and there are yaks and snow leopards in the distance. Susan, Justin,
  and Euge are standing in a circular patch where the snow has been cleared
  away. It is nightime, but there is a fair amount of light due to starlight
  reflecting off of the snow.]

Parker:  This is nice.
Fields:  Thanks. It's a place where I come to meditate every once in awhile.

[They sit down facing the box, which Justin has placed on the ground. He opens
  the box to reveal an antique Ouija Board. The three people all gently place a
  few fingers on the message indicator.]

Fields:  Lets start with some simple questions, something that is yes or no.
Yee:  Is anybody there?

[The pointer is still for awhile, but then it slowly begins sliding. It comes
to rest with the transparent window over the "Yes."]

Yee:  Are you spirits? [Once more,the indicator comes to a halt over "Yes."]
Fields:  Good spirits? [Yes.]
Parker:  How many? [1]
Yee:  Are you male or female? [The indicator is hesitant.]
Yee:  I mean, are you male? [Yes.]
Fields:  What is your name? [D - O - R."
Parker:  "Dor", is that your name? [Yes.]
Fields:  Would you answer some questions for us? [Yes.] (To Lts. Parker and
  Yee) Well, I guess we can start asking questions.
Yee:  Dor, will Captain half japanese ever have to do any push ups? [Yes.]
Parker:  Who will make her do them? [Admiral.]
Fields:  Well, that will serve her right. I hope she has to do a thousand.
  Okay Dor, another question. Will the lights ever work correctly on Starfleet
  ships? [No.]
Yee:  Will I win out over Captain Muirden in the Flirt War? [Yes.] Hahaha.
Parker:  Euge, that was never in doubt. (Wink.)
Fields:  Will I ever figure out what to do with my life? [The pointer wanders
  all over the board, but doesn't settle anywhere or spell out anything.]
Yee:  I guess it doesn't know what you are going to do either.

[The Ouija-ers ask questions of the "spirits" for awhile before retiring. They
  laugh heartily at what the board says about other members of Starfleet. Its
  all fun and games until someone gets posessed. ;-) ]

****

[Lt. Yee walks up to Captain half japanese's door and knocks.]

hj:  Come in, sweetie.
Yee:  Hi.
hj:  Whats up?
Yee:  I just wanted to talk.
hj:  About what?
Yee:  Has Justin talked to you?
hj:  About what?
Yee:  Him resigning.
hj:  Ah, I heard that he might.
Yee:  What should I do? I don't want him to go.
hj:  You can't really stop him. That wouldn't be fair to him.
Yee:  I know, but still...Everyone is leaving me. I'm going to be alone.
hj:  So are we. But our friendships are strong enough that they will last. We
  will still be able to keep in touch.
Yee:  I know, but it won't be the same. We won't be able to see each other and
  spend lots of time together.
hj:  So enjoy the time you have now and you can meet new friends to hang out
  with until you can see Justin again.
Yee:  It won't be the same. I've never had close friends like this before.
hj:  That doesn't mean you won't have close friends in the future, Euge.
Yee:  I know but...
hj:  Things will work out. They always do. Besides, this won't be the last time
  you see him. He'll be back in your life. He values the friendship as much as
  you do.
Yee:  But what do I do till then?
hj (getting up): Come with me now and we'll go for ice cream with lots of
  chocolate. Chocolate makes everything a little bit better.

****

[The rescue ship which Starfleet sent out finally arrives. They engage their
  tractor beams and begin the chore of hauling the useless hulk of the _USS
  Escher_ back to Earth, where the engineers who built it will tear it apart
  trying to figure to out what went wrong. While the ship is in tow, the four
  officers have very little to do.]

****

[Lt. JG Fields finds Captain half japanese in her quarters and hands her an
  envelope. Quite contary to his usual nature, he is somber.]

hj:  Whats this?
Fields:  My resignation. It is written to take effect when we get back to
  Earth. I also have copies to send to Captain Chow and Admiral Avenger.
hj (holding the envelope out): Take this back and think about it.
Fields (not taking it): Sorry Captain, but I can't. This is final.
hj:  Lt. Fields..
Fields (interrupting): It's final. It doesn't matter how many pushups you make
  me do.

[Lt. Fields walks away leaving a somewhat stunned Captain in his wake.]

****

[Lt. Fields gently raps on Lt. Parker's door.]

Parker (sitting up in bed): Come in.
Fields:  Hi. Any plans for tonight?
Parker (smirking): Well.... I was thinking of asking the captain over for the
  night.
Fields:  Go ahead. The more the merrier.
Parker:  Well, what were you thinking of.
Fields:  I would like to say "Good Bye" properly.
Parker:  In that case, close the door, dim the lights, and climb in.

[Fade out...]

*****

[The _USS Escher_ has been safely towed back to Earth orbit. The four officers
  are slightly stir-crazy. It is a relief to be back in civilization. hj runs
  around making random people do push ups. The crew of the rescue ship grumble
  that they should have left the _USS Escher_ stranded, so that they wouldn't
  have had to do push ups. After a couple days of R&R, Captain half japanese
  and Lts. Yee and Parker are preparing to return to their ships. They are
  with Justin at Starfleet headquarters in San Fransisco, about to board their
  shuttle.]

Fields:  Bye everyone.
hj:  Give me 50 push ups!
Fields:  hj, you aren't my commanding officer anymore, so I don't have to do
  push ups for you...BUT, what the hell, just for old times.. (Drops and does
  his 50 push ups.)
hj:  Goodbye Justin. I'll miss you. (hj enters the shuttlecraft.)
Parker:  (Smooch.) Bye. See you next time I'm on Earth.
Fields:  Maybe I'll make a surprise visit someday. (Another smooch and a hug,
  and Lt. Parker enters the shuttlecraft.)
Fields (to Euge): Well...
Yee:  Well what?
Fields:  You gonna write me?
Yee:  Of course.
Fields:  I'll be around. I'm just leaving Starfleet, not the universe. I'll
  see you again sometime. That is a promise. Okay?
Yee:  Yeah.
Fields:  Well, you had better get on that shuttlecraft before they leave you.
  (Gives Euge a hug and slap on the back.) Bye.
Yee:  Bye. (He turns and enters the shuttlecraft, which takes off once he is
  aboard.)
Fields (Walking away from the landing pad): Now, what *am* I going to do with
  my life????

****


TTTTT H   H EEEEE      EEEEE N   N DDDD
  T   H   H E          E     NN  N D   D
  T   HHHHH EEE        EEE   N N N D   D
  T   H   H E          E     N  NN D   D
  T   H   H EEEEE      EEEEE N   N DDDD

(And farewell!!)

                                ;-(

----------------
Date: Tue, 14 May 91 13:35:48 edt
From: "someone now holds the key (Russell, Kerri)" 
Subject: ST:TCG *OH NO*

on the next episode...


                "Time On Her Hands"

Now that half japanese is finished with all her assignments, will she post
zillions of episodes everyday??? Or will she post less frequently because she
is not stressed out???? Likewise, will the crew have to do more or less
push-ups????? And who will half japanese do in her spare time, especially
considering that her stud puppet is gone???? Find out next time on Star Trek:
the Crouton Generation as half japanese lounges around to survive...

----------------
Date: Tue, 14 May 91 19:29:02 edt
From: "someone now holds the key (Russell, Kerri)" 
Subject: ST:TCG

On the next foul episode...

                "Mother Ducker"

Ensign Gangster (AKA Shawn Mount) (or mount @Dickinsn.bitnet) is mysteriously
posessed by the ghost of a duck!!! This foul bird was upset because too much
of it's meat was simply wasted, so he now is taking revenge on the universe.
Ensign Gangster starts singing "Am I Evil" --the version recorded by Donald
Duck. Will the Duck ever fly away??? Does it want the Crew to kill Shawn and
have him for dinner??? Or just invite him to a good meal of fish??? How weird
is the Dickinson Crew???? Find out next time on Star Trek: The Chicken
Generation, as Shawn flies to survive...

----------------
Date: Tue, 14 May 91 23:40:32 EDT
From: I think not 
Subject: st: tcg short


                     "Kobayashi Maru, Panza-san"

Ensign S. Panza (WHO???  LOOK GIVE ME A WHILE...THE PREMIERE EPISODE IS
COMING) decides to give the Kobayashi Maru another try.  Unfortunately,
it's during a major electrical storm (this is the truth, folks) and the
power goes out in the middle of the test.  Does this count as a failure,
as it can be inferred that he destroyed the ship???  Or is this a
success, since he saved the crew from death at the hands of the
Romulans???  Why is he up doing the Kobayashi Maru before he has a final
in the morning anyway???  And why the $#!@ can't you balance a torus???
Will the crew of the _Subaru_ ever be able to live up to the fact that a
crewmember has a history of crashing the computer every time he logs
on???  Was Missy there???  No???  You mean it's his fault???  Is another
crewmember going to have the tendency to cause massive power outtages???
No way in heck!

Next time on

STAAAAAAAARRRR TREK:  The Gee-This-Is-Shocking Generation

----------------
Date: Tue, 14 May 91 23:51:31 EDT
From: I think not 
Subject: st: tcg another short one

                      "Flash Flood"

What happens when you program the holodeck to simulate filling itself
up with water and then you open the door to go inside???  Will it
generate enough dead fish to keep captain half japanese on a sushi high
for the rest of her life???  Will Thokk learn to surf???  Will Dave take
on the sea serpent???  What sea serpent???  Does Sancho know how to
doggy-paddle???  Which Sancho???  How will they get rid of all the
water???  Will the entire crew get waterbeds???  Does holowater even
do all this stuff???  Probably not.

You could find out the answers to these questons on the next episode of
Star Trek: The Waterbabies Generation, but you won't because we're not
going to make it.

Tune in to The Making of Star Trek: The Waterbabies Generation as the
crew does the Australian Crawl (sorry ram) as fast as they can away
from this inane plot.

----------------
Date: Wed, 15 May 91 00:09:31 EDT
From: I think not 
Subject: st: tcgV: The finals frontier

                     "The Finals Frontier"

Unbeknownst to the higher echelons of Starfleet Command, one starship
after another is hijacked by various eccentric old college professors.
The crewmembers are forced into a variety of strenuous mental tests,
ranging from unanswerable philosophical questions, to (*GASP*) physics
problems.  Is Timothy Leary behind this???  Will hj be able to divide by
zero???  Will Thokk tear his tests apart???  Will Thokk tear the test
administrators apart???  Will drewid shoot Timothy Leary???  Will Euge
and Susan be able to concerntrate knowing that Justin isn't around???
Would they be able to concentrate if he WAS around???  Are the Hidden
Valley Ranchers really disguised as the graduate students who are going
to really be (SPLIT INFINITIVE!!!) grading these things???  Find out as
the crews of every ship in the fleet run for their lives....

on the next exciting episode of STAAAAAARRRR TEST (oops...fixation)

take two:

one the next exciting episode of STAAAAAAARRR TREK:  THE TURN ON TUNE IN
AND DROP OUT GENERATION

----------------
Date: Sun, 12 May 91 16:46 EDT
From: "Gilliam, Suzanne" 
Subject: ST:TCG (short)

"The Sky is Falling"

The drewid, sitting calmly at her computer wondering why on earth she
hasn't gotten any mail for 3 days, is suddenly deluged by a flood of
messages! (over thirty in 5 minutes -- a new record?)  will she be awarded
a second badge of croutons for valor in the face of unending episode
barrages?  will she be able to plead (successfully) with captain hj to get
her to stop writing?  (not likely)  will captain hj make her do pushups
until all of the history which she has spent a semester in learning is so
mushed up that she begins to write things such as "Tee hee Brutus?"
(likely)  will she ever stop asking questions with irrelevant answers?
(also not likely)  will she ever be able to dig herself out from under the
pile of junk mail which has just assailed her?  find out eventually, on

STAAAAAAAR TREK:  THE "THE DAMNED LINKS WENT DOWN AGAIN" GENERATION

----------------
Date: Sun, 12 May 91 17:49 EDT
From: "Gilliam, Suzanne" 
Subject: ST:TCG  LET DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN

Next time, on ST:TCG

	"Let's Do the Time Warp Again"

The drewid phones home to ask her mother if she can stay aboard the
Melbourne for a retirement party instead of starting shore leave as
scheduled (translation:  she called her mother to ask to stay at drew
during senior week so that she could hang out and party and have a good
time before being forced to go back to hell...i mean home).  her mother,
being caught in a time warp, agrees to this plan.  will her mother find out
her real intentions and come to drag her daughter away before she can have
any real fun?  how long will the time warp last, and how much can the
drewid get away with?  how much will the drewid attempt to get away with?
will she milk this uncharacteristic mellowness on the part of her mother
for all it's worth?  (anybody who makes jokes about mother's milk gets to
do 2 zillion pushups)  will this be, perhaps, the best week of her life?
(you betcha!)  tune in soon for all the details, on...

STAAAAAAAAR TREK:  THE NOT-REALLY-LYING-JUST-NOT-TELLING-THE-WHOLE-TRUTH
        GENERATION

----------------
Date: Sun, 12 May 91 20:33 EDT
From: "Gilliam, Suzanne" 
Subject: *ahem*

no, richard, you may not move the Melbourne closer to Xavion so Eliana can
look for her thought-to-be-dead-but-possibly-still-alive husband.  you'll
see why within the week.  don't do ANYTHING until then.  (all right, you
can do SOME things, but any ....any  (sudden and exaggerated movements?)
yes, any sudden and exaggerated movements are...are out.) right.  on with
the show.

and now for something completely different...

(an episode)

HA!  fooled you!  i disguised an episode as a harmless reply message!  HA!

ST:TCG  "Curses, foiled again."

The drewid, having befriended that cunning canine Sancho Panza, is brought
before the Admiral's court (oh, not again!) and accused of feeding the
frisky furball Kibbles and Bits while on duty (while she's on duty or
while Sancho's on duty?)  (i'm filling in your lines for you.)  regardless,
she is ordered to return Sancho to the Subaru and to hand over her supply
of Kibbles and Bits to captain hj, who is so exhausted from doing 5000
pushups that she eats them herself!  what will become of our beloved
captain?  will she (slightly different format than usual, just for variety)
a)  turn into a dog?
b)  develop an amazing psychic link with Sancho after eating his food?
c)  bite Sancho back?
d)  develop rabies and have to be shot?
e)  wet the bridge and have to be taken to obedience school?
f)  make the drewid do pushups for insinuating that she would make a
    less-than-ideal dog?

you decide, on

STAAAAAAAAR TREK:  THE CANINE GENERATION

;)


----------------
Date: Sun, 12 May 91 21:52 EDT
From: "Gilliam, Suzanne" 
Subject: ST:TCG  "Proof that we can make an episode out of anything"

Next time, on ST:TCG

"Proof that we can make an episode out of anything"

Admiral Avenger, tired of the ceaseless barrage of episodes without titles,
has issued a directive that ALL episodes must either identify themselves or
leave the sector within 5 minutes.  All non-identified episodes which
refuse to obey this order will be terminated, and the writers will be
taunted nastily.  Will the overworked Admiral go on a gleeful killing spree
to get rid of all those nasty untitled episodes roaming the universe?  Will
the next "let's make a movie about a cop-type-guy who goes around with
an incredible load of firepower wasting bad guys" movie concern the Admiral
and his quest to rid the world of evil, Hidden Valley Ranchers, and
episodes without titles?  Will anything the drewid has posted within the
past two days ever make it to junk mail?  Will the Admiral come after the
drewid with a crouton torpedo or take away her red badge of crouton for
being cheeky about his orders?  Find out, next time, on

STAAAAAAAAAAR TREK:  THE INSUBORDINATION GENERATION


----------------
Date: Wed, 15 May 91 11:30:29 -0600
From: reidj@tramp (Crossfire)
Subject: ST:TCG  "Finals--Finally Finished!"

Next time, on an All New episode of Star Trek:  The Crouton Generation--

"Finals--Finally Finished!"

After finishing their finals, the Croutons decide to expand their
social intellects and go to listen to the lecture given by the famous
Dr. Martin Crouton King, Jr.  They hear him speak the famous words:

"I have a dream that one day my children will judged not by their scores
on exams, but by the quality of their understanding.  I have a dream that
one day all people, Senior and Freshman, Artists and Scientists, Crispy
and Crunchy, will be able to join hands and say 'Free at last!  Free
at last!  Thank God Amighty, Finals are Finally Finished!'"

It's profound philosophies as Jez the Wonder Kitty struggles to get
someone to feed him on the next exciting episode of Star Trek:
The Crouton Generation!

(With profound appologies to the Rev. King.)


----------------
Date: Thu, 16 May 91 21:22:49 EDT
From: I think not 
Subject: ST: TCG

                       "11001002"


The Binars are minding their own business when the spellbinder (yes, the
one from "The Electric Company") comes in and puts a two in the works.
Will a new species, the Trinars, be able to communicate in this new
atmoshpere.  Will the letterman show up in time to save the day, or
will it be up to drewid to shoot the spellbinder?  (Heck, I'd shoot the
spellbinder.)  See the amazing sequel to "11001001" next time on

STAAAAARRRRR 11001011100010100010100111010100100011110:  THE CROUTON
GENERATION

----------------
Date: Fri, 17 May 91 16:34:43 -0400
From: winner@husc9.harvard.edu (a.k.a. Thokk)
Subject: ST:TCG  "Tyr--teaser"

On the next exciting episode of Staaaar Trek: the Crouton Generation

		"Tyr -- teaser"

[Shot of Thokk greeting the _Heisenberg_ crew]

After a strange away team mission with the _Subaru_, Thokk the Dismemberer 
returns to the _USS Heisenberg_.  The crew's warm welcome fades into 
confusion, however, as Thokk's behavior grows stranger and stranger.

[Shot of Thokk ripping a book in half and then burying his face in his hands]

Can the crew find out what happened on that last, crucial mission...

[Shot of Kleber looking puzzled and worried]

...or will they be too late to prevent a tragedy?

[Dr. Hertzman rushing into sickbay, to see the unconcious Thokk being lifted
onto a table]

It's a deadly game of names and secrets on Star Trek: the Crouton Generation!

----------------
Date: Fri, 17 May 91 16:35:23 -0400
From: winner@husc9.harvard.edu (a.k.a. Thokk)
Subject: ST:TCG **LONG**

		"Quark Liberation"

Oh no!  It's not!  Video pirates have disrupted normal programming!  This week's
episode of Staaaar Trek: the Crouton Generation has been pre-empted by the 
Quark Liberation Front preaching the high energy destruction of the universe!
The network is in shambles!  In an effort to mollify dozens of shocked fans,
the network promises to show the missing episode in an open slot next season!
Tragedy!  As the network fights to survive!

P.S.  Yeah, well I've been meaning to write it for quite a while now, and I 
didn't want to bog down the rest of the series.  It actually has nothing to do
with finals, though from the teaser you might think it does.  See ya next
season (unless by some freak of chance I get a net connection this summer).