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STAR TREK: THE CROUTON GENERATION
SEASON THREE
Episodes #215-227
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Sat, 18 May 91 01:23:00 -0600
From: zecca@tramp (Emulator of Borg)
Subject: ST:TCG (LONG!)
The events of this episode take place shortly *before* Kerry Hoke's
reassignment to the _USS Moscow_.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Exterior, _USS Melbourne_, cruising at Jolt 1.5. Quick zoom on bridge.
Larkin: "First Officer's Personal Log, _USS Melbourne_, Stardate 102891.2:
My first few months aboard the _Melbourne_ have been...interesting,
to say the least. I miss joking around with Chi and Tracy, but I'm learning
to get along with this crew."
Turbolift doors open and Muirden steps out. Larkin stands up, then does
the Picard Maneuver, as Muirden works his way to the command seat.
Muirden: An uneventful night, Number One?
Larkin: Yes, mon Capitan. (pause) Yub yub.
Muirden: Well, I'll relieve you of the conn and let you get some rest.
Larkin: Thank you, Captain.
As Larkin begins to walk up the ramp toward the turbolift, it opens, and
out steps Lily St. Cyr. As she walks past, Larkin can't help but stare
and let his gaze follow her to the Con position. Due to his "visual
impairment" he walks straight into Counselor Eliana.
Larkin: Oh, excuse me...uh...Counselor...uh...
Eliana: Eliana, Commander.
Larkin: Ah, yes. Sorry...I keep forgetting your name.
He enters the turbolift and the doors close. Eliana sits down next to Muirden.
Eliana (cheerfully): He's a little...distracted.
Muirden: Who wouldn't be?
Kerry (from the back of the bridge): I heard that!
* * * * *
Inside the turbolift, Larkin stares absent-mindedly at the ceiling while
lost deep in thought. The turbolift opens and he steps out. It is then
that he realizes something isn't right.
Larkin: What the--?
Crowd: NORM!!
A medium height man in a gold "Star Fest" T-shirt and a beard pushes
around Larkin and walks down toward the center of the Boston bar.
Kevin: Evenin' everybody.
Grunto (behind the bar, putting beer in a mug): What's new, Mr. Peterson?
Kevin: Not my liver, Woody, that's for sure.
Larkin surveys the bar more closely. V. Adm. Data sits, dressed in a mailman's
outfit, next to Kevin at the bar. drewid serves drinks with an edge to her
personality. Captain Muirden steps out of his office, looking at himself
and his surroundings confusedly.
Larkin: Oh my god. I've died and gone to Hell...
The theme song to "Cheers" plays its first few notes as we
FADE TO BLACK
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
STAR TREK: THE CROUTON GENERATION
"Stupid"
Written by Admiral Avenger
Guest stars
P.D. Kunz as The Kunz
Adrian Edmonson as Vyvyan
Nigel Planer as Neil
Special Guest Star
Brent Spiner as Data
Patrick Stewart as Picard
Special Appearance by
Kevin Atkins as "Norm"
Directed by Admiral Avenger
Music by "Weird Al" Yankovic
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
A deserted highway in Southern California, around midnight. A man steps
into view, dressed in a tuxedo. However, it is not Rod Serling...instead
he has this shocked head of hair, greying, and a pointed grey beard.
Kunz: Tim Larkin, First Officer of the _USS Melbourne_...
[Image of Larkin in the bar, from right before the opening credits,
appears in the upper left corner of the screen.]
Kunz: An ordinary man, with extraordinary tastes. When an evil beyond
imagination takes over his ship...and his mind...what possible explanation
can there be but that he has checked into a hotel known only as...
the Twilight Zone...
* * * * *
Back in _Cheers_:
Larkin: What the hell is going on here, Captain?
Muirden (disoriented): Captain? I don't know what you're talking about,
mate. I'm Sam Malone.
Data (with a Bostonian accent): Uh, Sammy, did you know that a European
swallow is capable of carrying a coconut over three hundred--
drewid (dumps a drink over Data's head): Stuff it, Claven.
Data: Sammy!
Muirden: Hey, Carla, leave Cliff alone, okay?
drewid: Yeah, yeah, yeah. (walks toward the back of the bar) I never get
to have any fun...
Larkin: You've got to listen to me! All of you! None of this is real!
Suddenly drewid runs, screaming, back behind the bar.
Kevin: Carla, what is it now? Walk in the men's room on Cliffie again?
drewid: No, worse! Look!
She points to the back of the bar, where Euge Yee and Justin Fields are
playing with a Ouija Board. It is spelling out "..c..h..a..r.."
Muirden: Oh, come on, Carla. That's just a silly superstition!
Larkin: I've gotta get out of here.
Larkin runs for the door, but is stopped by the two people coming in.
Muirden: Fraser! Lilith! Just in the nick of time. Come down here and
explain to Carla about Ouija boards will you?
Larkin looks with shocked terror as Admirals Avenger and T'Lilith walk past
him, dressed as psychiatrists. He runs out the door of the bar...
* * * * *
...and into the FYI newsroom.
hj: Come on, Frank! How many times have I told you, Deborah Norville
does *not* have the hots for you.
Crouton: It's possible, Murphy. It's possible.
hj: It is not! You're such a weenie sometimes, Frank. Oh god, did I
say weenie? What's happening to me? Now I'm starting to sound
like Corky! (she runs in her office and slams the door hard)
Picard: What's wrong, Frank? Mary Hart wasn't available?
Crouton: Oh, shut up, Jim! And besides, Mary Hart had to wax her legs
tonight.
Picard (uptightly): A likely excuse.
St. Cyr: You fell for that???
Crouton (glaring): Corky! (pause) Miles, what do you think?
Larkin looks around him, then realizes *he* is the one being talked to.
Larkin: What?
Crouton: What do you think? Do I have a chance with Deborah Norville?
Larkin: I think I'm going to throw up. (runs into the elevator)
* * * * *
The elevator stops and opens. Larkin steps out into a New York courtroom.
John Tracy walks past him in a black robe, juggling.
Thokk (in a bailiff's uniform): ...the honorable Harold T. Stone presiding.
(notices the juggling) Hey, that's neato!!
>From across the room, a gruff female bailiff speaks up.
drewid: BULL! Get over here.
Thokk lowers his head and walks obediently to drewid's side.
Tracy: You may be seated. (aside) All right, Mac. Let's call the first case.
Gretzky: People vs. Melissa Midzor.
Tracy: What's the charge?
Boom-Boom: Apparently, the little Missy here was caught turning the lights
out all over Times Square.
Gretzky: What's so bad about that?
Boom-Boom: On New Year's Eve at midnight.
Tracy: Defense?
Kerry: Your Honor, my client pleads innocent. She has no control over her
effect on lighting equipment.
The lights go out. Kerry squeals. The lights come back on again. Kerry
glares at Boom-Boom, who smiles back with a leer.
Tracy: Ms. Midzor, while it's obvious you have no control over your powers,
you could have avoided Times Square on that evening. Now, while ABC and
Dick Clark would like a much higher recompense, I'm going to leave it at
a $50 fine and a warning to find other New Year's activities in the future.
Midzor: Thank you, your Honor. (aside, to Kerry) I *fixed* the damn lights!
Boom-Boom (slipping Missy a piece of paper): I'm sure I can find you some
New Year's activity that doesn't require any lights...
Tracy (bangs gavel): That's a fifteen minute recess. (leaps over the bench)
Larkin: Counselor, can I have a moment?
Kerry: *I*'m the Counselor!
Larkin: No, you're a communications officer. *He's* a Counselor.
Kerry: No, *he's* a judge.
Larkin: ARGH!! Look, John... Something funny is going on around here...
The laugh track kicks in again.
Larkin: Dammit! I'm serious! We have to get to the bottom of this!
Tracy: You're right. (aside, to Gretzky) Mac, call up our friends at the
Bellevue vacation home, will ya?
Gretzky: On it now, sir. (picks up the phone)
Larkin storms out in anger. Thokk walks up to Tracy.
Thokk: Gee, sir. Maybe he's right. Maybe we're just a figment of an
omnipotent being's imagination designed to test Mr. Larkin's ability
to cope with a situation and to satisfy the being's insatiable need
for revenge.
Tracy, Hoke, drewid, Gretzky and Boom-Boom simply stare at him.
Thokk: Or maybe Mr. Larkin's just a loonie.
FADE TO BLACK
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Jack Nicholson, shades and all, sits provocatively in his Lakers' game outfit
(black suit, black t-shirt, with sunglasses) holding a phone to his ear.
Jack: Hey, ladies. Do you like sexy men named Jack? Are you lonely?
Call 1-900-555-JACK and talk to your favorite famous Jacks.
Hear recorded messages from me, Jack Nicholson -- or other Jacks like Jack
Morris, Jack Lemmon, Jack Clark, Jack the Ripper, and Jack Kennedy.
Some lucky ladies will get to talk LIVE with Jack Palance.
So call, 1-900-555-JACK. That's 1-900-555-JACK.
4 credits for the first minute. 2 credits for each additional minute.
Croutons only.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Darkness. A brown leather glove comes into view, turning up the volume
on a television monitor. Several others come into view as well. Each has
a "classic" TV sitcom on it..."I Love Lucy", "The Brady Bunch", "The
Cosby Show" and others...
* * * * *
A pleasant little living room. The door opens. Larkin walks in and begins
to look all around.
Larkin: I wonder where I am now.
Rhee walks out of the kitchen.
Rhee: Oh, Rooooooooooooooooooob!!
Larkin: Not Dick van Dyke! Not Dick van Dyke!! ARGH!!!!
* * * * *
The brown glove switches the channel on one of his monitors, changing
"I Love Lucy" to "Leave it to Beaver".
Voice: Let's see how you like this one...
* * * * *
Larkin enters another famous living room. He looks around curiously, as if
he almost recognizes it. Euge and Justin come down some stairs.
Euge: Hi, Dad!!
Justin: Oh. Hi, Dad.
Larkin: Uh..wha--?
The doorbell rings. Euge and Justin wait for him to answer it, but he
doesn't, so Justin does instead.
Fizzix Dude: Well, hello, Wallace. Theodore. Mr. Cleaver. It's a fine
day, isn't it?
Larkin begins to fume...and begins to ball up a fist.
Larkin (muttering): You know how long I've wanted to pop Eddie Haskell one?
Tim's thoughts are interrupted by Missy, who comes in wearing an apron over
a nice dress, removing oven mitts from her hands.
Missy: Oh, Ward, I thought that was you.
Fizzix Dude: Hello, Mrs. Cleaver.
Missy: Oh, hello, Eddie. (back to Larkin) Ward, I wonder if you could
help me in the kitchen? I think the light bulb's burnt out.
Larkin (dead-pan, to camera): She's not safe from that joke anywhere, is she?
* * * * *
Voice: Naaah. I'm not *that* cruel.
The brown glove changes "The Brady Bunch" to something else, which he
obscures from our view.
Voice: They're so stupid... I can manipulate them like puppets and they
just do it. This is so fun!!!
* * * * *
Larkin walks into the kitchen with Missy, but...Missy disappears as they
cross the plane of the door. He also appears to be in a different kitchen.
Larkin: Well, she didn't look right dressed like that anyway. I trust
her more handling anti-matter than cookies...
He leaves the kitchen and enters the living room. A large black cat sits
reading a comic book, his feet up on the coffee table.
Larkin: Opie, get your feet off the coffee table. (double-take) What
did I just say?
Jez (getting his feet off the table): Mrow meow mrow meowr mrowp meow
hiss mrow. [You said "Get your feet off the coffee table", Aunt Bea.]
Larkin: Aunt Bea???
Larkin looks down at himself and finds that he is wearing a tacky blue
dress. He sort of looks the way Sam Beckett would look if he "leaped"
into Aunt Bea. A car door slams and the door opens.
Zortyl: Now, Andy, I'm telling you we need that 150mm Howitzer to keep
out the bank robbers.
Chi An: Barney, we haven't had a bank robbery in these parts in a long time.
Why do you want to go scaring people with a big gun?
Larkin: AndEEEEEE! (stops in nausea, then continues) We have to talk.
Chi An: What's wrong, Aunt Bea? Did Opie forget to do his chores again?
Larkin: No, no... It's worse than that.
Zortyl draws his gun and begins to look around nervously. He shoots
himself in the foot and starts hopping around madly. The rest ignore him,
as usual.
Larkin: Chi, we don't belong here and I think if we don't get out soon, we
never will.
FADE TO BLACK
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Ricardo Montalban and Herve Villachaize stand in white suits on a tropical
island.
Roarke: Tattoo, I've always wanted to know...just what kind of M&M's
do you prefer?
Tattoo reaches off screen for a small open black bag, which he offers to
Mr. Roarke.
Tattoo: De plain. De plain.
Roarke: But, Tattoo, did you realize that M&M's chocolate candies now come
in crunchy frog flavor?
Tattoo: Crunchy frog, Boss?
Roarke: Yes, Tattoo. (offers open green bag of Crunchy Frog M&M's) Here,
try one.
Tattoo takes a bite, then continues chewing with this really awful look
on his face.
Roarke: So?
Tattoo: Oh, it's, um...great, Boss.
Tattoo rushes off-camera clutching his hand over his mouth, looking nauseous.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
The brown glove starts flipping lots of switches and turning dials on
its monitors.
Voice: That little twerp. He's ruining my fun! I'll fix him...
* * * * *
Larkin wakes up, looking straight up at a palm tree and blue sky. He feels
sand all around him. He looks down to see a red shirt. He feels the top
of his head and finds a white sailor's cap.
Larkin: Aw, man!! (pause) You know, I think I'm starting to understand
what's happening here...
He stands up and runs randomly off into the jungle. He exits into a clearing
near a waterfall, where Paula Abdul is stretched out in a skimpy bikini,
on a towel, reading a Kitty Kelley book ("My Life As The Crouton Man: The
Unauthorized Biography of Chris Platt") through dark sunglasses.
Paula (sultry): Hi, Gilligan.
Larkin: Hi...uh...
Paula: Ginger, you silly.
Larkin: Right. Um, have you seen the Professor around?
Paula: Oh...not lately. I think he was going to help the Howell's set up
a golf course near the lagoon. (pause, then sultrier) Would you like
to help me with some suntan lotion? (flirt, flirt)
Larkin: Thanks. Some other time maybe.
Larkin runs off madly into the jungle. Paula puts her book aside and lies
back on the towel. Just as she gets comfortable, someone in the tree drops
a coconut near her. Then another...then another... We can't quite see the
person, but we can see the brown gloves when the coconuts are released...
We return to Larkin, who exits the jungle in a hurry and bowls Patrick
"Kitten" Juola over, knocking him to the ground. He notices that Kitten
is dressed up in expensive and quite tacky golfing clothes. Soraya stands
nearby, in pearls, etc. etc.
Kitten: Gilligan, dear boy, whatever do you think you're doing?
Larkin: Sorry, I-- (suddenly breaks out into laughter)
Kitten: What's so funny?
Larkin: *You*'re Mr. Howell? Hahahahahahahahahahaha...
The Kunz: Actually, Gilligan, you came at an opportune time. I need your help.
Larkin (bug-eyed): The Kunz? You're the Professor?
The Kunz: Oh, good. I thought maybe I was the only one who had broken through
that hideous screen. Welcome back to reality, Mr. Larkin...(looking around)
...or at least the closest we're going to get until we solve this puzzle.
Soraya and Kitten are looking very curiously at the pair now.
Kitten: You know, lovey, I think those two have finally flipped their lids.
Soraya: Thurston, the least we can do is pay for their psychiatric bills when
we get rescued...
Kitten: If we ever get rescued from this godforsaken place.
The Kunz motions for Larkin to walk with him and they move off into the
jungle.
Larkin: So, Professor, how did *you* get mixed up in all of this? I mean...
...if I didn't know better, I'd think this was your work.
The Kunz (offended): I'm not *this* tacky. But somehow, whoever is respon-
sible for this managed to reel me in as well. What we have to do now is
find out who, and why, and how to get out of here.
Larkin: Do you have any ideas who it might be?
The Kunz: Ideas? Yes. But if my idea is correct, there will be clues
around here to help us prove it...
* * * * *
Voice: No! This can't be!
* * * * *
Crossfire comes running, in a blue shirt and black captain's hat, and stops
Larkin and the Kunz.
Crossfire: Gilligan! Professor! It's Ginger!
Larkin: What about her?
Crossfire: She was lying unconscious, coconuts lying all around her. I
looked up and just missed getting hit myself.
Kunz: Aha. Coconuts. That's our first clue.
Larkin: It is?
Crossfire takes off his hat and slaps Larkin atop the head with it.
Crossfire: Of course, it is! (to Kunz) It is?
Kunz: Yes. Skipper, show me who was throwing the coconuts.
Crossfire leads them off into the jungle. Larkin stumbles and Crossfire
hits him across the top of the head again.
FADE TO BLACK
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
COMMERCIAL BREAK
You thought their popularity had died...
It wasn't the only thing...
A red plastic blurr whizzes past the screen and latches itself onto the
neck of an unsuspecting five year old. Within seconds the child goes from
happily playing to screaming to lying bloody on the floor, his throat ripped
out and his tonsils lying on the pavement for everyone to see.
ATTACK OF THE PLAYSKOOL DINOSAURS
Coming this Christmas to a theater near you
This film has not yet been rated.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Crossfire, Larkin and the Kunz emerge from the jungle into the clearing.
Ginger's beach towel, sunglasses, suntan lotion and Kitty Kelley book lie
in a heap. She is nowhere to be found.
Crossfire: Oh no! Ginger!
Larkin: Where was the coconut thrower?
Crossfire: There's no time for that now, Gilligan! We have to find Ginger.
Kunz: Skipper, if you don't tell us where the coconuts were coming from,
we might not be able to *find* Ginger.
Crossfire (pointing up a tree): Right up there, Professor.
Kunz: Aha. (thinking) Come, Gilligan. (says the name with a chuckle)
< FWOOOOSSHHHH!! > The Kunz snaps his fingers and he and Larkin disappear,
reappearing in the tree, in more suitable clothing -- the Kunz in his
trademark blue denim shorts and shirt, Larkin in his civilian clothes.
Kunz: Take a look at this... (pointing to a mark on the three)
Larkin: A C with a circle around it...an old "copyright" symbol?
Kunz: Yes. Now look at these...
Larkin: "TM", R with a circle around it...what do all these mean?
Kunz: They're tools, Commander. Tools of an evil being we have before
encountered...not even I am fully immune from his effects...
Larkin: You don't mean...?
< FWOOOOSSHHHH!! >
* * * * *
< FWOOOOSSHHHH!! > The Kunz and Larkin appear in the dark room with the
monitors, standing behind Mr. Brown Gloves.
Kunz: Richard Arnold.
Arnold: No! Dammit, Kunz, why do you always have to ruin my fun? I mean,
you're not even a canonical omnipotent being -- how the hell can you be
so much trouble?
Larkin: Well, if you weren't such a stupid--
Arnold: Oh no. You two aren't going to stop me.
Arnold whizzes across the room (sort of like John Wesley Shipp ]-) and
a light appears above him, illuminating a large black pot of boiling acid.
Hanging above the acid is a terrified Paula Abdul, being lowered slowly
toward the pit with every bit of overdone melodrama.
Arnold: Now you two just play along, or Paula's going to be hotter than
ever before.
< FWOOOOSSHHHH!! > A cordless cellular phone appears in the Kunz's right
hand. He begins dialing.
Arnold: No! What are you doing?
Kunz: Hello, Gene? Yes, this is PD Kunz. We're having a little problem...
< FWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! >
* * * * *
Richard Arnold's fantasy world melts in an explosive flash. When the light
settles down, we find ourselves in a rundown London flat. Richard Arnold,
dressed as a young socialist git, stands in the center of the room. His
depressed hippie roommate paces in a circle in the corner.
Neil: Why did you sell the stove, Rik? Now how am I going to cook dinner?
Oh, I just want to kill myself.
A crazed, red-headed punk with general's stars embedded in his forehead runs
in from out of the corner of the picture.
Vyvyan: Rik, you complete and utter bastard!!!!
Vyv smashes Richard Arnold about the head with a board that just happens to
have rusty nails on the end. After recovering consciousness, Arnold looks
up in a blurry daze, with Rik Mayall's trademark sneer on his face.
Arnold: What was that for?
Vyv: You mean it had to be for a *reason*? (Bashes Richard a few more times)
Arnold (bleeding, to the camera): How's this for a Cliff(Richard)-hanger?
Quick cut to:
* * * * *
Back aboard the _Melbourne_, in Ten Forward:
Larkin (raising his drink, talking to the camera): Am I glad that's over!
As we slowly pan away from Larkin and out (backwards) through the exterior
windows of Ten Forward, we notice a bearded man in a yellow Star Fest t-shirt
sitting at the Ten Forward bar...
FADE TO BLACK
----------------------------------------------------------------------
END CREDITS
Guest scum Richard Arnold
Costumers Darren Bost & Vandy Vandervort
Fish by Wanda
Executive Lion Tamer Matt Ender
Ouija Board provided by Male siblings of Susan Parker ]-)
COPYCROUTON MCMXCI
Dolby Smell-O-Vision Super Stereo Permeation
----------------------------------------------------------------------
[Note: This ad uses the same musical effects as those used in the ad
for ST:TNG "The Best of Both Worlds Part II".]
STAR TREK: THE CROUTON GENERATION
"The Silence of the Croutons"
ALL-NEW MINI-SERIES
They were the most powerful force in the galaxy...
[Deep space. Classic Borg cube moves by.]
Their pursuers used the Universe to satiate their hunger...
[A pot of gold phases into existence in pursuit of the Borg vessel.]
And now they've joined forces against a common enemy...
[Slow-motion view of Quixote swinging his sword at a Borg.]
[Slow-motion view of a concerned Kabeta looking up from a bloody Scribonia.]
[Slow-motion view of Highlander whirling his katana above his head.]
A musical destined to change the Crouton Generation as you know it!
[The musical effects now switch to those used in the Peter Davison ->
Colin Baker regeneration sequence.]
Quick cuts between:
[Crossfire draws his bow and fires, then is down on his knee firing his
Beretta in seemingly no time.]
[The bridge of the _Melbourne_ goes completely dark, except for light
from the main viewscreen.]
[A female Borg grabs T'Lilith's wrist, while T'Lilith clenches her teeth to
fight the pain.]
[A Lucky Charm with red hair and red eyebrows laughs maniacally as the
camera zooms on his gaping maw...]
[An explosion, obviously that of some sort of unidentifiable starship,
fills the screen and the sound system, cutting off the incidental music.]
"The Silence of the Croutons"
The Crouton Generation will never be the same...
Coming soon...
----------------
Date: Fri, 24 May 91 11:23:24 -0600
From: midzor@tramp (Eric Moore AKA Fizzix Dude)
Subject: Next...on you know what!
SUZY-Q
Fizzix Dude has gradually become less selfish and downright tolerable around
the crewmembers of the _Croutonprize_. As punishment for secretly helping to
reconstitute ZortylWankoid (see "Mouthing Off"), the Kunz strips Fizzix Dude
of his powers and gives them to his worse nightmare! Fizzix Dude must then
fight off feelings of self-pity as he dodges the amourous advances of Lt.
Parker. Will he survive as a human, or will the Kunz have a change of heart
and set all aright? Find out on the next "Star Trek: The Icky Generation"!
----------------
Date: Fri, 24 May 91 11:34:10 -0600
From: midzor@tramp (Eric Moore AKA Fizzix Dude)
Subject: Next on "Star Trek: The Crouton Generation"
TIME OUT
Capt. Crouton discovers a time-varying temporal gradient in his quarters.
Although he exists/existed in the present, his mind was/is in the past
and his burgeoning pile of paperwork won't be finished util yesterday. Con-
fused? So am I! Will the crew discover the anomaly in time, and have they
been able to correct it? The Captain has ceased to exist and will not
disappear until sometime later. Will they ever be able to untangle these
mismatched tense formations? Find out (or have you already?) on the next
"Star Trek: The Hysteretic Generation"!
----------------
Date: Fri, 24 May 91 22:20:07 -0600
From: Justin Fields via zecca@tramp (Emulator of Borg)
Subject: ST:TCG (Short)
"Attack of the Klingon Pies"
While out to eat with Lt. Fields (and his mother), Lt. Yee is
attacked by the Klingon Pies!!! They nearly annihilated him. (And the Waitress,
who was laughing hysterically.) Lt. Fields's mother had asked for a
"Key Lime Pie", and there was evidently some small mammal or something in
Lt. Yee's ears, because he promptly stated: "What, Klingon Pie????"
Beware of the Klingon Pies!!! Some dangerous repercussions of their
attacks are laughing until you explode, deciding not to have dessert, or many
other serious calamities. Ahhhh, one of them is after me.....................
----------------
Date: Fri, 24 May 91 22:50:27 -0600
From: Justin Fields via zecca@tramp (Emulator of Borg)
Subject: ST:TCG (Short)
Yet more violence in....
"Attack of the Hare Krishnas"
After leaving the National Air & Space Museum in Washington DC, Lts.
Fields and Yee are assaulted by the deafening music of the Hare Krishnas
on The Mall. The foul demons even had microphones and *amplifiers* to spread
their foul disease. As Justin and Euge walk by, several of the pink-clad
Krishnas begin dancing to the live tunes created by their more musical
bretheren: "Hare Krishna, Krishna, Krishna....." One of the more exuberant of
the dancing Krishnas begins touching hapless pedestrians. Does Lt. Fields
punch the Krishna's lights out?????? DO both he and Lt. Yee steal the
incredibly valuable "Krishna-Fest" sign????:-)???? FInd out on the next
episode of Star Trek: THe Hairy Fishnut Generation.
----------------
Date: Fri, 24 May 91 23:16:42 -0600
From: Justin Fields via zecca@tramp (Emulator of Borg)
Subject: ST:TCG (Short)
And now for the third of the "Attacks" series....
"Attack of the Tower Records Salesmen"
Lts. Yee and Fields are being eyed by swarms of Tower Records
salespeople. They follow Justin and Euge around nervously, wondering if they
will ever leave. If the two young men weren't spending so damned much money,
they would have been arrested for loitering long ago. But, tempers are wearing
thin, and events are coming to a crisis. Will Justin be permitted to drive a
dump truck into the store next time to haul away his purchases, or will the
evil salespeople run the demagnetizer over Justin and Euge's heads and leave
them blubbering in the Clearance Bins????
Find out next time on....
Star Trek: The
"Well, *RAISE* my damned credit limit!" Generation!!
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Date: Fri, 24 May 91 23:17:12 -0600
From: Justin Fields via zecca@tramp (Emulator of Borg)
Subject: ST:TCG (short)
In this exciting episode of Star Trek, Lt. Fields realizes that he has
resigned and isn't Lt. Fields anymore. *Mr.* Fields then remembers that he has
just posted three episodes with himself listed as "Lt. Fields." Oops! ;-) See
what happens in:
"Oh No!!! Don't make me re-enlist!!"
Star Trek: The Potato-head Generation.
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Date: Fri, 24 May 91 23:17:48 -0600
From: Justin Fields via zecca@tramp (Emulator of Borg)
Subject: ST:TCG (short)
On the next STAR TREK:
"They Came from Bertucci's!!"
What happens after Matt Ender, Thokk the Dismemberer, Kabeta, Justin,
and Euge eat three large pizzas??????
Find out on the next thrilling episode of...
Star Trek: The Rolaids Generation ;-)
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Date: Thu, 30 May 91 13:58:45 -0400
From: bryant@husc9.harvard.edu (Katherine 'Kabeta' Bryant)
Subject: ST:TCG (SHORT)
Next, on Star Trek: the Crouton Generation....
"False Sense of Security"
While most of the crew of the _Heisenberg_ leave for some shore leave, Capt.
Kabeta and Cdr. Scribonia remain behind to help entertain some dignitaries.
They had been under the impression that communications would continue to
operate as they had been operating, quite happily, for some time. But the
evil OIT concocts an evil plot to first deactivate their Personal Access
Codes and then their entire communications system. Will Kabeta and Scribonia
find a way to restore their communications links to the outside world? Will
Scribonia finally find a place to live for the summer? Will Kabeta ever
find a way to get hold of people she needs to reach? As Scribonia and Kabeta
fight to communicate....
I hate phone service problems....
----------------
Date: Sat, 1 Jun 91 20:25:07 edt
From: "someone now holds the key (Russell, Kerri)"
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