STAR TREK: THE CROUTON GENERATION
			  SEASON THREE
			Episodes # 8 - 9
	(Parts #8-9 of "The Crouton on the Edge of Forever")
======================================================================

"Captain's Log, Stardate 4550.6:
     Lt. Cdr. Midzor's engine redesign seemed to be too much for the ship's
superstructure at speeds greater than Warp 14 and she and Mr. Scott have
been picking up the pieces in Engineering ever since.  Fortunately, no one
was seriously hurt.
     Because of the delay, we are only now arriving at Celia IV, a plague-
infested planet along the Romulan Neutral Zone.  The planet appears to be
radio-silent and I worry the Romulans will be waiting.  Our guests seem to
think otherwise, and they have been using the extra time to improve our
defensive capabilities.  I'm not sure why I ever agreed to this, but Mr.
Spock has so far never let me down..."

Kirk (sighing)  Spock, begin long range scan.  Uhura, keep on those channels.
Uhura:  Aye, sir, but there just doesn't seem to be anyone responding.
Spock (looking up from hood):  In fact, Captain, there is no one left to
  respond.  There are no signs of life on Celia IV.
Kirk:  Mr. Sulu, put is in a standard orbit.  (taps chair)  Bones?
McCoy (ic):  Sickbay, McCoy here.  Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor, not an
  answering machine.
Kirk:  We were too late.  The plague has killed them all.
T'Lilith (ic, background):  ghuy'cha!
McCoy (ic):  Jim, I think we should go down there.  At least get a sample of
  the plague...see its effects, so that we can find a way to combat it.
Kirk:  All right.  (hops out of his chair)  Let's go, Spock.
Yee:  Captain Kirk, is it really a good idea for you to be leading the team?
Kirk:  What?  What's wrong with me beaming down?
Muirden:  Captain, a starship captain does not need to risk his life and the
  safety of his crew by beaming down on every occasion.  You have other
  capable officers on board that can do the same job while you remain fully
  in command of the ship right here.
Kirk:  What a stupid idea!
Spock:  Quite logical, in fact, Captain.  Dr. McCoy is more than capable of
  leading the landing party himself.

Kirk throws up his hands in resignation and returns to his chair.

Kirk:  All right, we'll play it your way...this time.
			* * * * *
McCoy, Icefalcon, T'Lilith, and three redshirts beam down to the surface of
Celia IV dressed in those really awful spacesuits seen in "The Tholian Web"
and "The Naked Time."

McCoy (turning a body over):  What the devil happened to these people?  I've
  never seen anything like this.
Icefalcon (nauseated):  I have.  Classical HVR biowarfare.
T'Lilith (surprised):  You've seen it up close before?
Icefalcon:  My first assignment...we came across a Borg vessel that had tried
  to assimilate some HVR technology.
McCoy:  They got the plague instead.
Icefalcon:  Yes.  Not a pretty sight.

In the background, one of the redshirts twitches his nose, trying to fight
off an itch.  He instinctively reaches a hand up to his shielded face, trying
unsuccessfully to scratch the itch.

T'Lilith:  So what do you know about this plague?
Icefalcon:  Very little...  I submitted a sample to Star Fleet Medical and
  they have been working on it, but I've never heard anything back..
T'Lilith:  Oh, yes... I remember it now.  We haven't found much, frankly.
  (smiling)  But I think Dr. McCoy has just the kind of doctor's intuition
  that we will need...
McCoy:  Well, I'm glad *somebody* wants my opinion.

They hear a scream.  The redshirt with the itch is clawing at his face,
his helmet sitting on the ground.  They watch as his face melts and he
pulls flesh from bone, screaming and gasping for air as his life expires.

McCoy:  How did this happen?
Washburn:  He pulled off his helmet for just a second...to scratch his nose.
  And then he started screaming.

McCoy pulls out his communicator.

McCoy:  McCoy to _Enterprise_.
Kirk (ic):  Kirk here.  Go ahead, Bones.
McCoy:  Alvarado unwittingly contracted the plague.  He's dead, Jim.
			* * * * *

		"The Crouton on the Edge of Forever"
		  Part 8:  "A Fistful of Croutons"

Written by Admiral Avenger and Crossfire

Guest stars
	Ed Begley, Jr. as Commander Bloocheez
	Majel Barrett as Nurse Chapel
	John Winston as Chief Kyle

Special Guest Stars
	William Shatner as Captain James T. Kirk
	Leonard Nimoy as Mr. Spock
	Deforest Kelley as Dr. Leonard "Bones" McCoy
	James Doohan as Scotty
	Walter Koenig as Chekov
	Nichelle Nichols as Uhura
	George Takei as Sulu

Directed by Nicholas Meyer

Music by Michael Hutchings

			* * * * *
The landing party materializes in the transporter room.  The late redshirt
is not with them.

McCoy:  We'll have to come back for his body later, Washburn.  We can't
  risk infecting the rest of the crew.
Washburn:  I understand, sir.  It's just that--

The red alert klaxon sounds.

Sulu (ic):  Red alert!  Red alert!  All hands to battle stations!
			* * * * *
Kirk:  Well, there you go, Captain Muirden.  Romulan Warbird.  We've
  encountered them before.
Muirden:  Aren't they only supposed to have sublight drives?
Spock:  Federation intelligence reports that they now use warp drive.
Muirden:  But still, aren't they going a might fast even then?
Kirk:  Well, come to think of it.
Sulu:  They're coming around.
Chekov:  They are locking phasers.
Yee:  Use the Maneuver Crouton-4B I taught you yesterday.
Chekov:  You think it vill vork?

The ship lurches with a phaser hit.

Yee:  Do you want to risk it otherwise?

The _Enterprise_ suddenly moves directly toward the Romulan ship at
high warp speed.  The Romulan stands his ground for a moment, but then
realizing the _Enterprise_ is not about to stop, jumps into warp itself.
And that is when the _Enterprise_ makes a hard right turn and fires
photon torpedoes.

Sulu:  Three torpedoes direct hit, sir!  All right, Euge!
Spock:  Their shields are damaged, but still up.
Kirk:  That's *impossible*!
Spock:  Their energy readings are *much* higher than they should be, Captain.

The Romulan ship turns toward the Neutral Zone and cloaks.

Muirden:  I told you, Captain.  These aren't Romulans we're dealing with.
Kirk:  I'm beginning to believe you.  Sulu, follow them in.
Spock:  There is nothing to follow.  Their cloaking device is beyond anything
  we have seen on a Romulan vessel before.
Zortyl:  We'll see about that.  (crawls under Spock's computer and begins
  fiddling with wires)  Check again, Spocko.
Spock:  Captain, I have a magnetic resonance trace from their power
  signature output.  They must have an incredible source of power.
Yee:  They're running Jolt-Warp, Mr. Spock.  Of course, it's powerful!
Muirden:  Yes, but that must be one helluva cloaking device they're using
  too.  I've never seen a cloaking device take that much power before.
			* * * * *
"Captain's Log, Supplemental:
     We have been following our enemy for five hours and are now deep in
Romulan space.  So far, no Romulan vessels have been sighted, but I am
expecting them at any moment.  I just hope I can get out of this one..."

Dr. McCoy dozes lightly at his lab bench.  Dr. Icefalcon is stretched out
on one of the Sickbay beds, sleeping soundly.  T'Lilith continues to mix
solutions while moving between microscopes.

Chapel (entering):  Admiral T'Lilith, good morning.  I didn't expect--
T'Lilith:  Quite understandable, Christine.  Come and take a look at this.

Chapel peers into the microscope.

Chapel:  What is it?
T'Lilith:  I have determined what this plague does.  It literally rips the
  DNA of the subject apart, like unzipping a zipper except that this zipper
  is the chromosome itself.
Chapel:  That's awful.  (notices the sleeping doctors)  Don't tell me they
  tried to pull *another* all-nighter.
T'Lilith:  I sent them to bed at 0400.  They were getting in my way by that
  point anyway.
Chapel:  So you've been up all night?
T'Lilith (looking in another scope):  I can handle it.  I have before.
Chapel:  Wait.  If the plague rips the DNA apart...wouldn't there be some
  sort of antitoxin that would act like a super-bonding glue to hold that
  DNA together when it comes into contact with the plague.  Oh, it's on
  the tip of my tongue...what's the name of it?
T'Lilith (smiling):  Christine, we're going to make an M.D. out of you yet.
			* * * * *
Kirk:  How can you just sit here and wait?
Muirden:  Bloocheez is up to something, but I haven't figured it out yet.
Kirk:  Bloocheez?  Who--?
Muirden:  Our enemy, Captain.  Oh, and here's a hint.  He's a chauvanist
  pig and thinks like an Old West gunfighter.  That may work to our advantage
  somehow.
Kirk:  Hmmph.  Maybe...
Spock:  Captain, I've lost the MRI.
Kirk:  Uh oh...
Sulu:  Something is decloaking off the starboard bow.
Kirk:  Lock phasers.  Uhura, see if you can raise them on communications.
Uhura:  I have someone, sir.  Coming on screen now.
Trollog (ss):  Federation commander, this is Sub-Commander Trollog of the
  Romulan Empire.  You have trespassed illegally into Romulan space.
  (smiling)  Prepare to die.
Kirk:  No, wait!  We are pursuing--

Suddenly, the _C Hag_ decloaks, but this time it *looks* like the _C Hag_.
Trollog's expression turns sour.  The _C Hag_ opens fire and destroys the
Romulan vessel before Kirk can finish his sentence.

Spock:  Captain, they are rearming their weapons.
Muirden:  Uhura, get me an open channel.
Uhura:  You have one, sir.
Muirden:  Bloocheez, you yellow-bellied varmint!  You wouldn't go and shoot
  another gunfighter in the back, would you?  It wouldn't be a fair fight!

The image of Bloocheez fills the screen just as Icefalcon, T'Lilith, and
McCoy walk onto the bridge.

Bloocheez (ss):  Muirden, what the hell are *you* doing here?  You're not
  supposed to know--
Kirk (picking up on Muirden's tactic):  Bloocheez, this is Captain James T.
  Kirk of the Federation starship _Enterprise_.  My friend's told me all
  about you and I think you're *scum*.  You couldn't beat my grandmother
  in hand-to-hand combat if she had both hands tied behind her back!
Bloocheez (ss):  Oh, really?  You want to prove it?
Kirk:  Sure.  And I've got just the place for it.  Rubidia V.  It's just
  across the border, back in Federation space.
Bloocheez (ss):  Lead the way.  Bloocheez out. (closes channel)
McCoy:  Sure is one *ugly* "varmint," isn't he?
Kirk:  Bones...have you found something?
McCoy:  We've got an anti-toxin that will fight this plague.  Chapel and
  M'Benga are cooking some more up right now.
Muirden:  That's great.  Now all we need to do is stop Bloocheez himself!
McCoy:  Yes.  But how easy is that going to be?
			* * * * *
"Captain's Log, Stardate 4551.4:
     Commander Bloocheez and I are going to settle this once and for all
on the planet below.  I have been regretting this decision more and more
during the five hour trip back to the Federation, but it's the only way
we can see to end the threat..."

In a hallway on one of the decks...

Chekov:  Vell, if ve are going to die in the next few hours, the least ve
  can do is have some fun first.
Yee:  What do you mean?
Chekov:  You remember those girls I told you about in shuttle maintenance--?

We switch to another group coming down the hallway from the other direction.

Muirden:  He's big and strong.  You'll have to use all your wit.
Kirk:  All right.

  McCoy hits Kirk's arm with a hypo.

Kirk:  Hey!  What was that?
McCoy:  Plague anti-toxin.  Just in case.
Kirk:  Give it to the security team too.
Spock:  Wouldn't that be violating your promise of beaming down alone?
Muirden:  Trust me.  Bloocheez will have five or six of his own with him.

They enter the transporter room, where several redshirts wait, phasers
at their sides, on the transporter pads.

Muirden:  Are you sure you don't want to bring me along?
Kirk:  I think you'll only end up aggravating him more.
Muirden:  All right.  I'll hold down the fort then.
Kirk:  Energize.
			* * * * *
Kirk and his security men appear on one side of a small meadow.  Bloocheez
and his men stand on the other side.  The theme music from "The Good, the
Bad, and the Ugly" begins in the background.

Bloocheez:  I thought you said you were coming alone?
Kirk:  I thought *you* did.
Bloocheez:  All right.  You ready?

Kirk walks up and meets Bloocheez in the middle of the meadow.  Kirk finds
himself looking into the middle of Bloocheez's chest as he towers over Kirk.

Kirk (muttering):  The bigger they are, the harder they fall.

Kirk stands back, then leaps toward Bloocheez.
			* * * * *
Uhura has patched in the audio from one of the security officers'
communicators to a bridge-wide speaker.

Muirden:  Boy, he's really taking a beating.
Spock:  So is Captain Kirk.  He will not last forever.
Muirden:  Have faith.  I think your Captain can beat him.
Scott (ic):  Scott to bridge.
Muirden:  Muirden here.  Go ahead, Scotty.
Scotty (ic):  The main transporter unit just burned out.  Tell Capt'n Kirk
  he'll have ta wait until we get it repaired.
Muirden:  How long?
Scotty (ic):  Twenty minutes.
Midzor (ic):  *Five* minutes.
Scotty (ic):  I thought *I* was a miracle worker!
			* * * * *
Bloocheez and Kirk, now both bloodied and bruised, struggle to their feet
again.  Kirk's shirt is torn in several places.

Kirk:  Are you ready to give up yet, Bloocheez?
Bloocheez:  Of course not!  I am going to win whatever it takes!
Kirk:  Heh.  Well, maybe *you* think so.

Bloocheez pulls something out of his cloak.

Bloocheez:  Perhaps you'd like a dose of this?
Kirk:  What is it?
Bloocheez:  The plague I've been using to kill your people.
Kirk (eyes widening, feigned fear):  No, anything but that!  Don't use that!

Bloocheez pops it open.

Bloocheez:  Come on!  Die already!

Bloocheez's men start screaming, tearing at their faces as they die a
horrible death.

Bloocheez (feigned suprise):  Oopsey.  Looks like I forgot to give them
  the antidote.  (Turning back)  Heeeeeey, I didn't give *you* any!
Kirk:  The game is up, Bloocheez.  It's over.
Bloocheez:  No.  NO!!!  The Universe is going to be mine, dammit!

Kirk winds up one last swing and knocks Bloocheez flat unconscious.  He
then reaches up and wipes the blood off his lip with his thumb.  Noticing
Bloocheez's communicator lying on the ground, he picks it up.

Kirk (poor John Wayne impression):  Well, Pilgrims.  We're done with
  these losers.  Why don't you beam us all up?
			* * * * *
Kirk and his security men appear on the _C Hag_, phasers drawn and ready,
to the surprise of the waiting Ranchers.  They stun the Ranchers without
delay.

Kirk:  Let's find their central computer core.
			* * * * *
Muirden, Spock, and Zortyl run into the transporter room.  Missy and Scotty
are under the transport console, panels pulled out everywhere.  Kyle stands
above it, ready to test switches on their command.

Scotty:  Nay, lass.  You canna do that!
Midzor:  Sure I can.  It'll improve your transporter phase response time
  and improve the efficiency of transport.
Scotty:  I just dinna understand your way with machines, lass.  It's so...
  (with a sudden gleam in his eye) ...so unorthodox.
Midzor:  It's not *that* unorthodox.  I learned most of it from your
  technical journals.
Spock:  Mr. Scott, time is of the essence.
Midzor:  Just give us a minute, will you?  (to Scott)  You know, maybe later
  we could--
Kirk (ss):  Kirk to _Enterprise_.  Six to beam aboard from the enemy vessel.
Muirden:  From the *enemy* vessel?  How did he--?
Spock (pressing button):  Captain, you'll have to wait a moment.  Mr. Scott
  and Ms. Midzor are completing repairs to the transporter as we speak.
Kirk (ss):  Spock, we can't wait.  (phaser fire in the background)  Get
  us out of here now!  (more phaser fire)  Sh**!  We're going to need a
  medical team when we get back.
Spock:  Medical emergency in the transporter room.  Dr. McCoy, please report.
Midzor (getting up):  That's got it!  Go, Kyle!

Kyle throws the switches as Scotty moves out of the console just in time to
avoid burning his hair off.  He rubs at a singed strand as Kirk and the
security team beam aboard.  One has a wounded arm; another is lying prone.

Scott (smiling):  Lass, you are *incredible*.
Midzor (smiling back):  You're not so bad yourself.

The ship lurches as they feel a nearby explosion.

Muirden (tapping panel):  Bridge, what was that?
Uhura (ic):  It's the _C Hag_, Captain.  It just exploded.
Muirden:  What did you do?
Kirk:  I talked the computer into destroying the ship.
Muirden:  Why doesn't that surprise me?

Doctors McCoy and Icefalcon run in and rush to the injured men.  Icefalcon
begins to spray down one man's burned arm while McCoy scans over the fallen
redshirt.  He listens closely for a heartbeat, then puts away his scanner.

McCoy:  He's dead, Jim.
Icefalcon (pulling things out from his bag):  No, wait!
McCoy:  C'mon, son.  There's nothing we can do.
Icefalcon (to Kyle):  Beam us directly to Sickbay.
Kyle:  Sir, intraship beaming is inherently dangerous.  That's why we--
Icefalcon:  Just do it!!

Kyle activates the transporter and Icefalcon and his patient disappear.
			* * * * *
Icefalcon:  C'mon.  C'mon!  Damn this ancient medical technology!

The Sickbay doors open.  Kirk and McCoy run in.

McCoy:  Son...Doctor...I admire your drive, but you're going to have to
  give it up.  It's just too late.

The vital signs detectors begin to rise and flicker into life as the security
officer draws in his first breath.

McCoy (mouth dropping wide open):  Oh...my...God...
Kirk (awed):  That's amazing...  How--?
Icefalcon:  The wonders of modern medicine, Captain. (pause) Just techniques
  that you haven't learned yet, Doctor McCoy.
McCoy:  You... you really are from the future, aren't you?
Icefalcon:  Yes, sir.  Your medical texts were required reading at the Academy.
  The past few days have been the high point of my life because I actually got
  to meet *you*.  (pause)  Maybe we should have a look at Captain Kirk now?
			* * * * *
T'Lilith, Muirden, Euge, Zortyl and Missy assemble in Sickbay with Kirk,
Spock, Chekov, McCoy, Chapel and Scotty.

Kirk:  Captain Muirden...all of you.  Thank you.  I'm sorry I ever doubted
  you.  And I hope we don't ever run into these Hidden Valley Ranchers again.
Zortyl:  You won't.  Late 24th Century sometime, one of my people will run
  into them and the HVR will barf weaponry all over them.
Midzor:  Too bad we have to leave now, Scotty.  [Looks into his eyes.]
Scott:  Aye, lass.  'Tis too bad...
Euge (shaking Chekov's hand):  Too bad about the girls, Pavel.
Chekov:  You vin some, you lose some.  Thanks for the tactical help, Euge.
T'Lilith:  Christine, remember what I told you...
Chapel (winking):  As soon as this five-year mission is over, Admiral.
  You have my word on it.
McCoy (to Spock):  I see a conspiracy here, don't you?
Muirden:  Well, we must be going.  Good luck in your adventures and thank
  *you* for allowing us to meet our childhood heroes.

Muirden, T'Lilith, Euge, Zortyl and Missy step into a misty fog and vanish.
			* * * * *
Down on the surface of Rubidia V, Bloocheez awakes.

Bloocheez:  Where is he, that little twerp--?  (looks around)  Hmm.  (searches
  his person)  He stole my communicator, that little snake!

Bloocheez walks over to one of the piles of lumpen flesh that was one of his
junior ranch hands.  He pulls a communicator out of a fold.

Bloocheez:  _C Hag_, this is Commander Bloocheez.  _C Hag_, come in!
  DAMMIT, HIRAM, IF YOU DON'T ANSWER THE DAMN PHONE I'M GOING TO GET YOU!!!

After several minutes of this, he finally throws the communicator down in
disgust, shattering it.  He looks up at the sky.

Bloocheez (shouting):  Now I'll NEVER rule the galaxy!  I *HATE* this job!!!
			* * * * *
Epilogue:

Captain Kirk, Dr. McCoy, and Mr. Spock exit the turbolift.  Spock walks
back to his station, Kirk leaps into his chair, and McCoy, as usual, hangs
around behind the captain.

Kirk:  I hope things get back to normal around here now, but I sure am glad
  we had their help.
Spock:  Indubitagubalughalabarfally, Captain.  In fact, I--
McCoy:  Spock, you're babbling.
Spock (feigned amusement):  Really, Doctor?  I had no idea I babbled.
McCoy:  Like a brook, Mr. Spock. (pause) Hey, Jim.  Did you notice how the
  Klingon took a fancy to him?  You don't think he's going to go over to the
  other side now, do you?
Spock:  Really, Dr. McCoy.  You should analyze the situation further.  She
  was half Vulcan, quite happily betrothed...to a _human_..., and simply
  was in awe at meeting her childhood idol.
McCoy:  I do believe he's getting conceited, Jim.
Spock:  Dr. Icefalcon seemed similarly impressed at meeting *you*, Doctor.
McCoy (smiles proudly):  Yes, that boy is one fine doctor.

A pretty brunette yeoman (with her hair up in one of those funky bun things)
gives Kirk something to sign.

Kirk (bragging):  Captain Muirden said that I was the best tactical commander
  that Star Fleet ever had.  Kind of puts you both to shame, doesn't it?
  (pause)  Thank you, Yeoman.  (flirt, flirt)

The yeoman slaps him hard across the jaw and storms off.

Spock:  It seems, Captain, that your *other* reputation also proceeds you.
Kirk (rubbing his jaw):  Well...um...yes...er...

The bridge goes dark.

Kirk:  Mr. Scott, do you think you could get the lights working on the bridge
  or is this going to become a habit?

Chekov grins his goofy grin at Sulu, who smiles back.

Scott (ic, obviously frazzled, to no one):  Ah wish ah'd never let that
  lassie near me bairns...  (to Kirk)  Ah'm a working on it...ah'm a working
  on it...

We cut to an exterior of the _Enterprise_ as it moves into the distance,
with every light on board going out, one by one, until finally the running
lights themselves blink out.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Next time, on an all-new episode of

	Staaaaar Trek:  The Crouton Generation

The Crouton on the Edge of Forever Part 9:  "Remember Romulus"

The time-travelling Croutons return to the future, buuuuut will it be the
same future that they left a few days before?  Will the Romulans give
Jez the Wonder Kitty some Pounce?  Will Admiral Picard remember that
comment about his thighs?  Will the Alliance be signed or won't it?!?
Find out, on tomorrow's exciting conclusion to "The Crouton on the Edge
of Forever"!!!

-----------------
Kabeta's team leaps out of the Guardian and lands comfortably on the
surrounding sands.

Highlander:  Where the f*** did everybody go?

Suddenly, Crossfire, Jez and Counselor Tracy must rush out of the way so
that Soraya's team can leap out of the Guardian.  Tracy drops his juggling
balls in their path as he scampers for cover.

Tracy:  Don't step on my balls!
Crossfire:  Were you successful?
Ghiasi:  Yes.  T'Pau was a...very enigmatic personality.  (pause)  And you?
Crossfire:  Let us just say that the Hidden Valley Ranch fleet isn't as
  big as it used to be.

The Guardian begins to mist up again as T'Lilith's team leaps through the
portal.  Missy falls and skins her knee as she lands wrong.

Missy:  Owdammit!
Muirden:  Are you okay, Missy?  (flirt, flirt)

Missy scrapes dirt out of the wound as she picks herself up off the ground.
Counselor Tracy rushes over, picks up one of his juggling balls off the
ground, and offers it to her meekly as a gift.  Everyone stares at her.

Missy (hands on hips):  Well, at least I didn't kill the *Guardian*'s lights!
			* * * * *

		"The Crouton on the Edge of Forever"
		     Part 9: "Remember Romulus"

Written by Admiral Avenger and Crossfire

Guest stars
	Ed Begley, Jr. as Commander Bloocheez
	Rick Berman as Admiral Murgrave
	Pierce Brosnan as Ambassador Tremalor
	Danny Devito as Ambassador Torv
	Sam Donaldson as Ambassador Sokor
	Katherine Hepburn as Ambassador Kennedy
	Michael Ironside as Commander Torbog
	P.D. Kunz as the Kunz
	Robert Schenkkan as the Maitre'd
	Melinda Snodgrass as Admiral Tainor

Special Guest Stars
	John Colicos as HVR Governor Tarkanian
	Whoopi Goldberg as CaesarSalad
	James Earl Jones as the Federation President
	Andreas Katsulas as Praetor Tomalok
	Diana Muldaur as Admiral Betty Talbot
	Arnold Schwarzeneggar as the Klingon Emperor
	Brent Spiner as Vice Admiral Data
	Patrick Stewart as Admiral Jean-Luc Picard

Directed by Leonard Nimoy

Music by John Williams

			* * * * *
Trillions of beings throughout the United Federation of Planets, Klingon
Empire, and Romulan Empire are tuned in to the events taking place on the
planet Babel.  Within the main auditorium on Babel, with press and dignitaries
clogging the aisles, an historic alliance is about to be signed.

Data (offering a pen):  Mr. President, if you will sign first.
President (taking the pen):  Thank you, Admiral.  (signs with a flourish)

At the back of the stage, Admirals Picard and Avenger look on.

Picard:  All is well.  Have you heard anything from T'Lilith?
Avenger:  Perhaps something happened and we don't know it.
Picard:  You're starting to get paradoxical.
Avenger:  Well, nonetheless, I haven't heard from anyone yet.  (sighs)
  I sure hope they're all right.

In front of them, Ambassador Sokor of Vulcan takes the pen from Data and
signs every page of the treaty.  CaesarSalad quietly joins the Admirals.

CaesarSalad:  Just got word from your people down the hall.  The _Rampage_
  will be arriving in a few hours.  They'll be at the party tonight.
Avenger:  Anything else we should know about?
CaesarSalad:  They were only minor changes to your timeline.
Picard (shock):  Minor changes?
CaesarSalad:  Shh.  You'll find out later.  It's not important.

Data offers the Klingon Emperor the pen.

Emperor:  I have my own.

He pulls out a pen filled with what appears to be crimson ink.  He begins
to sign the documents.

Data:  Red ink, Your Majesty?
Emperor:  My own blood.  Hear me now and believe me later -- it is easier
  to prepare a pen ahead of time then trying to write with your own finger.

The Emperor finishes signing the forms and they are moved down the table
to the new Romulan Praetor, Tomalok.

Tomalok (taking the pen):  Thank you, Vice Admiral.

Tomalok signs the forms, pockets the pen for posterity, then stands up
and addresses the audience.

Tomalok:  Fellow Romulans... (pause, then raising his hands forward and into
  the air) ...welcome to the Federation.

A 20 foot by 40 foot banner unfurls from the ceiling bearing the new seal
of the Galactic Federation of Planets.  In the center is a large oval
containing a field of stars.  Five stars stand out -- representing Earth,
Vulcan, Klingon, Remus and the late Romulus.  In the lower left hand corner
is the Klingon emblem, in the lower right the Romulan.  In the upper left
hand corner is a smaller oval representing the LMC, in the upper right a
small oval representing the SMC.

The audience stands up, applauding and cheering so loud that the walls
rumble.  Admiral Avenger inserts his ear plugs.
			* * * * *
We are in a crowded ball room filled with dignitaries, including Tomalok,
the Klingon Emperor, Picard, Avenger, and many others.  Lt. Cdr. Crossfire
enters, in his full dress uniform.  He begins to make his way toward Picard,
though anyone that paid attention would notice his slouch.  A quick look at
the front of his uniform shows him to be weighed down with Federation honors
AND the Klingon Seal of qey'lIS.  He does not get very far.

Kennedy (smiling):  Hey, kiddo.  Heard you saved the galaxy again.  You're
  going to get another medal.
Crossfire (in obvious discomfort, but jokingly):  I sure hope not.  This is
  getting ridiculous.  (looks around)  There are too many people here, too.
Kennedy:  Admiral Avenger seems to agree with you.
Crossfire (extending his hand):  Well, Ambassador, I'd love to chat with you,
  but I have some urgent business with Admiral Picard.
Kennedy:  Just make sure you look me up before you leave the galaxy again.

She pinches his cheek, then he moves off into the crowd again.  A familiar
short, round figure approaches her.

Torv:  Ambassador Kennedy, how do you stand on the issue of Romulan recruits
  in the Star Fleet Academy?
Kennedy:  Torv, you're a pesky little bugger.  You could start an argument
  with a mirror if you had half a mind to.  Now why don't you--?
Torv:  Answer my question.  How do you--?
Tainor:  Ambassador Torv, I just heard some security officers outside...
  Seems the Tellarite diplomacy shuttle is being impounded for parking in a
  no landing zone...
Torv:  What?!?!  This is an outrage!  (Waddles off angrily toward the door.)
Kennedy:  Thanks.  I thought he'd never leave.
Tainor:  Anything for you, Ambassador.  (extends a hand)  I'm Admiral Sarah
  Tainor...

Picard shakes hands with another Admiral as Avenger returns with a fresh
cup of punch.

Picard:  Paul, it's been a long time.
Murgrave:  Almost...forty years, wouldn't you say?
Picard:  It's surprising how time flies.  You've met Admiral Avenger?
Murgrave:  So *you're* Avenger.  (shakes hands)  I've been rimward for
  so long, I haven't met most of the new Admiralty.  I envy you.
Avenger (unsettled, looking around nervously):  Uh huh.
Picard:  You'll have to forgive him, Paul.  He doesn't like crowds and
  his fiancee is due back from a dangerous mission.

Captain Kabeta walks past Picard with a cup in hand.

Picard:  Captain Kabeta.
Kabeta (stops, turns and smiles):  Hello, Admiral.
Picard:  Congratulations.  Things went superbly.
Kabeta:  You were very helpful yourself, sir.
Picard:  Yes.  (clears his throat)  Now what was that about my thighs?

Praetor Tomalok raises an eyebrow and puts on a devilish grin.  Murgrave
laughs out loud.  Avenger disappears into the crowd.

Kabeta (sheepishly):  Um..er..oops... (turns and fades into the crowd)
Murgrave:  You have an interesting way with women, Jean-Luc...as always.
Picard:  Whatever.  (shuddering)  I'm just glad that Deanna's mother finally
  remarried...

We now follow Kabeta, who encounters a friendly pointy-eared face...

Kabeta:  Commander Torbog.
Torbog:  Captain Kabeta, we meet again.  Your presence honors me.
Kabeta:  Thank you.  It's nice to see you again.
Torbog:  It will be a pleasure serving beside you now... (pause)  I am
  planning to request a transfer of my ship to the Large Magellanic Cloud
  at the earliest opportunity.  Perhaps we will see more of one another then?
Kabeta:  I will make sure to put in a good word for you with Admiral Avenger.
Torbog:  Thank you.  (setting his drink down on a nearby table)  Captain
  Kabeta, may I teach you a traditional Romulan dance form?
Kabeta:  I would be honored, sir.

He takes her drink and sets it down, then leads her to the dance floor.

Emperor:  We will teach your children the proper training for battle.
Tremalor:  We are already properly trained, Your Majesty.
Emperor:  You call this puny frame (holding Tremalor's upper arm) a
  perfectly pumped up--?

Admiral T'Lilith steps between them as she moves through the crowd.

T'Lilith (acknowledging them):  Gentlemen.
Tremalor (once she is gone):  Vulcan?  Klingon?
Emperor:  Both.
Tremalor:  Of course.  I remember her now.  (smiles cordially)  I suppose
  she could teach us both a thing or two...

T'Lilith stops before an aging woman in an Admiral's uniform.

Talbot:  Hello, T'Lilith.  (half-forms a Vulcan salute)
T'Lilith:  Admiral Talbot.  nuqneH?
Talbot:  Picard told me what you and the others have been up to.  You have
  a lot of guts.
T'Lilith (dead serious):  We all do, Admiral.  In fact, the large intestine,
  when stretched out fully is--
Talbot (nauseated):  No, I-- that was a human colloquialism.
T'Lilith (realization):  Oooh.  I have not mastered them all yet.  (pause)
  Do you know where Admiral Avenger has gotten to?
Talbot (pointing):  I saw him heading that way a minute ago.
T'Lilith:  Thank you.  Live long and prosper, Admiral.

T'Lilith passes Muirden and Admiral Tainor, who hold each other snugly in
some form of slow dance.

T'Lilith:  Richard.
Muirden (smiling and winking):  Admiral.

T'Lilith then notices Counselor Tracy in Ambassador Kennedy's arms--literally.
Supported by her hands, with his hands behind her neck, she carries him to
the dance floor.  T'Lilith cracks a toothy smile.

Kennedy:  Snagged myself a handsome young man, my dear.

T'Lilith moves on, nods to Picard, who is in a conversation with Crossfire.

Crossfire:  Capta--Admiral Picard.
Picard (smiling, with some apprehension):  Hello, Crossfire.
Crossfire:  It's good to see you again, sir.  I think I understand now...
Picard:  You left me quite an impression.  (relaxing)  I've never forgotten
  the help you were to me no that day so many years ago, Crossfire.
Crossfire:  And I appreciate all you have done for me, sir.  I wouldn't be
  where I am today without your help.  (pause)  Especially after that
  guacamole incident...

Nearby, Rear Admiral Bradford and Vice Admiral Data stand next to an ice
sculpture of the planet Romulus.  Griddlebone and Jez purr contentedly as
their dance moves them past.

Data:  Mrow prrp.  Meowr mrowp mrow?  [Well, Jez.  How am I doing?]
Jez:  Meowrp purrp mrow meow.  [Better, now that you've had time to practice.]
Data:  Prrup meow meowr mrowp.  [I am glad that you slid into home safely.]

Griddlebone giggles, or at least makes the closest sound to a giggle that
a cat possibly can, then returns to purring.

Griddlebone:  Prrp mrow meow mrowp prrp *giggle*.  Mrowp meow mrow mrowp?
  [Jez, you have so many funny friends.  How do you *do* it?]
Jez:  Mrow meow mrowp prrp meow mrow prrp purr mrow...  [I have them feeding
  me out of the palm of their hands...]

Jez and Griddlebone move on and Mark, who doesn't get many lines these days,
speaks up amidst laughing aloud.

Bradford:  You're certainly not mundane, Data.
Data (serious?):  Is that good?

Across the room, Avenger finds some relative sanctuary near a wall.

CaesarSalad (inquisitively):  It's too crowded here for you, isn't it?
Avenger (jumping in surprise):  ghuy'cha!  Don't sneak up on me like that!
CaesarSalad:  I'm sorry.  Perhaps I should leave you?
Avenger:  No.  No, it's all right.  And you're quite correct.  I came here
  only to make my official appearance.  As soon as T'Lilith gets here, I'm
  going to see if we can find some place quieter--
CaesarSalad:  Patience.  She's on her way.  (waves to T'Lilith)
Avenger:  Is everything all right?  I mean...has history changed at all?
CaesarSalad:  History has changed a lot, because of you and your friends.
  Without your patience, this Alliance may never have been forged.
Avenger:  That's very reassuring, but it wasn't exactly what I meant...
CaesarSalad:  I know, but it needed to be said.  As far as significant
  changes to your past, there is only one...and you will find it to be a
  good one.
Avenger:  What? (pause, then realizing she won't answer) What?!
CaesarSalad (smiling):  When the time is right, you will know.

T'Lilith finally knocks two cocky Tellarites onto the floor and reaches
Avenger and CaesarSalad.  The Tellarites get up and begin to protest, then
notice the Klingon decorations she wears.  They shut up and move away as
quickly as possible.

CaesarSalad:  Admiral T'Lilith, nice to see you again.  If you'll excuse me...

CaesarSalad moves off into the crowd.

T'Lilith:  "Hi, honey.  I'm home."

Avenger pulls T'Lilith into a firm embrace.  She resists.

T'Lilith (whispering):  Not in front of everyone.

< FWOOOOSSHHHH!! >  The Kunz appears next to the Admirals, a cup of punch
and a handful of cookies with him.

The Kunz:  Cookie Tyme! (a little more serious) It appears you were successful.
Avenger:  Our thanks to the Kunz Continuum, of course.  We couldn't have
  done this without your help.
The Kunz:  It was nothing.  Really.  (evil grin)  Besides, I'll make up
  for it later.  (pause)  You look uncomfortable here, Admiral.  Perhaps
  I can find you some more suitable surroundings?
Avenger:  Could you?
The Kunz:  But of course.

The Kunz snaps his fingers.  < FWOOOOSSHHHH!! >  The Kunz, T'Lilith, and
Avenger disappear.
			* * * * *
< FWOOOOSSHHHH!! >  T'Lilith and Avenger appear at the door of a fancy
restaurant in New York City.  They are no longer dressed in their dress
uniforms.  Avenger wears a black on black on black tuxedo and top hat.
T'Lilith wears a designer traditional Vulcan ceremonial robe trimmed with
a variety of traditionally Klingon accessories.

T'Lilith:  Impressive.  How did he do that?
Maitre'd:  Do you have a reservation, sir?

< FWOOOOSSHHHH!! >  The Kunz appears.  Time in the room seems to stand
still for all except the Admirals and the Kunz.

The Kunz (looks up, smiling):  Oops.  Almost forgot.  (Scribbles something in
  the Maitre'd's book)  Back to the party!

< FWOOOOSSHHHH!! >  He disappears again.  Time restarts.

T'Lilith:  Yes.  Table for two.  Admirals T'Lilith and Avenger.
Maitre'd:  This way.

They follow the Maitre'd to a private corner table.  T'Lilith reaches the
table first and pulls out Avenger's seat, making him allow her to seat him
first.  Once they are seated and the Maitre'd has left, she entwines her
left hand in his right.  She closes her eyes and touches his mind.

Avenger:  I'd like that very much.  We *have* waited too long.  (pause)  I'll
  talk to Jean-Luc about it in the morning.

T'Lilith and Avenger smile, eyes still closed, as the candles burn quietly
between them.
			* * * * *
Meanwhile, back at the Ranch...

Governor Tarkanian sits with his fingers steepled before him as he looks
out the window of his vast office onto the rolling hills outside.  Six-legged
cattle roam the land outside the city.

Tarkanian (quietly):  Bring him in.

Tarkanian's back is still to the door as a haggard Commander Bloocheez is
roughly brought forward by a pair of Ranch Hands even larger than Bloocheez
himself.  They throw him to the floor, shut the doors, and stand at attention
at either side of the doors.  Bloocheez wipes blood from his mouth and
stands up, brushing dirt off his torn, dirty and bloody costume.

Tarkanian (still looking away):  So, you made it back in one piece.
Bloocheez:  Yes, Your Honor.  It took a lot of work, but I managed to find a
  way back to my own time period.
Tarkanian:  And what of your crew?  Your ship?  The other men I sent with you?
Bloocheez:  I--they--

Tarkanian swings around and swings his hands down into fists which land
hard on his desktop.

Tarkanian:  You incompetent fool!  You not only failed to stop the Alliance,
  but you lost your own ship!
Bloocheez:  They had help...somehow the Federation KNEW we were back there...
  they sent some of their own people...
Tarkanian:  Excuses, excuses.  (pause)  If you weren't so valuable to me, I'd
  have killed you long ago.  Nevertheless, I must retain your services.
Bloocheez (looking up):  Thank you, sir.
Tarkanian:  But one more failure, Bloocheez, and it's your head I will have
  mounted on my wall.
Bloocheez:  Yes, sir.
Tarkanian:  A new ship will be ready for you in a few weeks.  Until that time,
  I have another job for you.
			* * * * *
In deep space, a small privateer pops out of a time hole.  Battered, it makes
its best attempt to regain warp speed as its cloaking device activates.

Inside, a bruised and battered Ranche Dressinge chews on an Argelian
weedstick as he programs the autopilot.  He programs up a picture of
Commander Bloocheez on a nearby monitor, then picks up what looks like a
Nintendo pistol.

Dressinge (way out of tune):  Happy trails to you...until we meet again...

He fires three electronic darts between Bloocheez's eyes.  The image of
Bloocheez crosses its eyes to look at the darts.  Dressinge puts the gun
down and leans back for a nap.
			* * * * *
On the outskirts of the Hidden Valley Ranch Capitol City, we enter a dusty
stable.  Inside, we hear the grunts and groans of someone shoveling something
heavy back and forth.  We round the corner and see it is Bloocheez, cleaning
the Governor's stables.

Bloocheez:  I swear, Richard Muirden.  I'm going to get you for this.  And
  that little Crouton too...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Next time, on an all-new episode of

	Staaaaar Trek:  The Crouton Generation

		"The Return"

The crew of the _Chivalier_ encounters danger when they discover a ghost
from their past, a skeleton in their closet.  Will Captain Chow be able
to watch the Cubs game in peace or will a new threat to the safety of his
crew spoil the middle innings as the Croutons fight to survive?!?

-----------------

		 STAR TREK: THE CROUTON GENERATION
		"The Crouton on the Edge of Forever"
			  END CREDITS


		   Starring (alphabetically)

Captain Kabeta				Katherine L. Bryant
Admiral T'Lilith			Kristen L. Coulter
Lt. Cdr. Q. Torvald McDonagh		Thomas Donaghey
Commander Highlander			Karim H. Farah
Lt. Jez the Wonder Kitty		Jez(ebel) Ghiasi
Lt. Cdr. Soraya Ghiasi			Soraya Ghiasi
Lt. Cdr. Wayne Gretzky			Wayne Gretzky
Lt. Cdr. Zortylwankoid			Christopher E. Hassell
Lt. Cdr. Icefalcon, M.D.		Kevin L. Lindauer
Lt. Cdr. Melissa Midzor			Melissa M. Midzor
Captain Richard A. Muirden		Richard A. Muirden
Lt. Susan Parker			Susan M. Parker
Lt. Cdr. Crossfire			Jonathan H. Reid
Lt. Jason Taubman			Jason Taubman
Counselor Tracy				John Lloyd Tracy III
Lt. Euge Yee				Eugene Yee


			    Featuring

Admiral/Captain Jean-Luc Picard		Patrick Stewart
Vice Admiral/Lt. Cdr. Data		Brent Spiner
Commander Bloocheez			Ed Begley, Jr.


			  Also Starring

Captain James T. Kirk			William Shatner
Commander Spock				Leonard Nimoy
Lt. Cdr. Leonard "Bones" McCoy, M.D.	DeForest Kelley
Commander William T. Riker		Jonathan Frakes
Ranche Dressinge			Robert Pastorelli
T'Pau					Suzie Plakson
Praetor/Commander Tomalok		Andreas Katsulas
CaesarSalad				Whoopi Goldberg
Admiral Avenger				Michael W. Zecca

			      and

Lt. Geordi LaForge			Levar Burton
Lt. Cdr. Montgomery Scott		James Doohan
Lt. JG Worf				Michael Dorn
Ensign Pavel Chekov			Walter Koenig
Chief Miles E. O'Brien			Colm Meaney
Cdr. Katherine Pulaski, M.D.		Diana Muldaur
Lt. Uhura				Nichelle Nichols
Counselor Deanna Troi			Marina Sirtis
Lt. Hikaru Sulu				George Takei
Acting Ensign Wesley Crusher		Wil Wheaton


			   Co-Starring

Nurse Christine Chapel			Majel Barrett
Admiral Paul Murgrave			Rick Berman
Rear Admiral Bradford			Mark Bradford
Ambassador Tremalor			Pierce Brosnan
Commander Q. Kumbir			Jose Canseco
Captain Chi An "Roy" Chow		Chi An Chow
HVR Governor Tarkanian			John Colicos
Ambassador Torv				Danny Devito
Ambassador Sokor			Sam Donaldson
Guinan					Whoopi Goldberg
Ambassador Kennedy			Katherine Hepburn
Commander Torbog			Michael Ironside
Federation President			James Earl Jones
The Kunz				Peter Dale Kunz
The Guardian of Forever			Bartell Larue
Hiram					Robert Loggia
Admiral Betty Talbot			Diana Muldaur
Captain Christopher L. Crouton		Christopher L. Platt
Maitre'd				Robert Schenkkan
Klingon Emperor				Arnold Schwarzeneggar
Admiral Sarah Tainor			Melinda Snodgrass
Capt. Koch				Mark Strickson
Transporter Chief Kyle			John Winston



EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS			Michael W. Zecca
					Jonathan H. Reid
DIRECTORS (in order)			Patrick Stewart
					Sylvester McCoy
					Matt Himle
					Richard A. Muirden
					Jon Pertwee
					Jonathan Frakes
					Tom Baker
					Nicholas Meyer
					Leonard Nimoy
MUSIC BY (in order)			Alexander Courage
					David Byrne
					Dennis McCarthy
					Jerry Goldsmith
					Peter Gabriel
					Joy Chattaway
					Iggy Pop
					Michael Hutchings
					John Williams
RESEARCH CONSULTANTS			Mike "Vidiot" Brown
					Eric "Fizzix Dude" Moore
WONDER KITTY WRANGLERS			Soraya Ghiasi
					Patrick "Kitten" Juola
					Ken "The Imperial Blizzard" Stern
SPECIAL VISUAL EFFECTS			Industrial Light and Magic,
					A Division of Lucasfilm, Ltd.
MATTE PAINTINGS				Kris "Lilith" Coulter
SHIP MODELS				John L. Tracy III
COSTUMES DESIGNED BY			William Ware Theiss
EMPRESS OF SUPREME PERSUASION		Barbara Bush
BEST BOY (Electric)			Brent Spiner
KEY GRIP				Bruce "Crash" Bockius
CATERING				Croutons 'R' Us
CHOREOGRAPHY				Gates McFadden
					Paula Abdul
MR. GRETZKY'S STUNT DOUBLE		Bill Couch, Jr.
MR. STEWART'S HAIR			The Norelco Razor (Shaves as close
					  as a blade or your money back)



			  Special Thanks To

Harlan Ellison, for use of the "Guardian of Forever"
Eric Moore, for starting the discussions that led to the creation of
   _Star Trek: The Crouton Generation_
Chris Platt, for putting up with this slur on his good name in the first place
Randy Gaz, for use of his tramp account during the first year of Junk Mail
Mark Bradford, for use of typhoon to proliferate and archive this stuff
The Governor of Fred IV and the Mayor of San Francisco for use of
   their beautiful scenery
The HVR Company for use of the names "Hidden Valley Ranch" and "Oyster
   Crackers"
General Mills for use of the name "Lucky Charms"
Paramount Pictures Corporation for _Star Trek_ and _Star Trek: The Next
   Generation_ and use of all the names and characters that go with them.
And, of course, The Great Bird of the Galaxy, Gene Roddenberry, without
   whom none of this would have been possible.


			    No Thanks To

Richard Arnold, fascist scum of the Earth
Saddam Hussein, for making our lives miserable
George Bush, for helping Hussein make our lives miserable
William Love (as usual)



Filmed entirely on location in San Francisco and in the stellar
  system of Fred.



The characters, situations and places in this story are fictional and any
similarity to actual places or persons, living, dead, or wandering the night
in unholy torment is purely a figment of your deranged imagination.  If you
don't believe me, I've got some great beachfront property available for you
on Neptune's largest satellite, Triton.


The animals used in this story were treated with the utmost care and
humanity and were fed lots of Pounce, given plenty of time for naps,
and were protected from any possible source of harm.





		      A JUNK MAIL PRODUCTION
			      MCMXCI




Soundtrack available on GNP/Crescendo Cassette Tapes and Compact Discs

	 	    Read the Pocket Books Novel

		    Buy the Topps Trading Cards



CC	Closed-Captioned for the Hearing Impaired
Dolby Surround Stereo










	  james bond will return in "Never Say Croutons Again"