STAR TREK: THE CROUTON GENERATION
			  SEASON THREE
			Episodes #13-15
		The Oil Wars Trilogy by Sue Gilliam
======================================================================

Date: Tue, 12 Feb 91 20:33 EDT
From: "Gilliam, Suzanne" 
Subject: ST:TCG  ----  THE OIL WARS TRILOGY


Part one:  OIL WARS

The scene aboard the Chivalier:  Commander half japanese and Lt. Euge
are standing staring into a coffee machine.  Lt. Euge has a confused
expression on his face.

Euge:  Commander, why are you staring into the coffee machine?

(Pullback to show two machines -- one labeled "Mr. Radar" and the other
labeled "Mr. Coffee."  O.k., so this is right out of Spaceballs.)

hj:  (looking rather sheepish)  I'm ...uh...I'm getting a cup of coffee!
        You know I always have coffee when I watch my Mr. Radar.

Lt. Euge and Commander half japanese look at each other and grimace.
Abandoning what had turned out to be an extremely unoriginal and boring
sketch, they turn to face what looks like a genuine radar screen.

Euge:  (pushing a blue button on the console)  Lt. JG Drewid, can you read
        me?  Drewid, come in please.

hj:  I don't know why I bother sending her on these missions.  She spends
    half the time complaining about it and the other half getting lost in
    unknown galaxies in the outer reaches of the universe.

(Suddenly, a crackle of static comes over the intercom.  It soon fades into
silence and would not even be worth mentioning if it weren't for the fact
that crackles of static should not be heard when dealing with
multi-trillion dollar equipment.)

hj: (sarcastically)  Must be American-made.

Euge:  (turning to Harry, the ship's computer)  Harry, would you please see
        if you can find Lt. Drewid?

Harry: (ship's computer)  How should I know where she is?  Why does
everybody always come to me when there's a problem?  Just once I'd like to
have somebody come up to me and say..."how was your day, Harry," or "what did
you think of the ballgame last night," but no,....

hj:  Harry...

Harry:  ...always want something, nobody ever compliments me or...

hj:  HARRY...

Harry:  ...and I always try to be so nice and polite even when I'm in a bad
        mood...

hj:  HARRY!!!!

Harry:  (finally shutting up) yes?

hj:  Who did your reprogramming last?

Harry:  (sulking)  Lt. Drewid.

hj:  Thought so.  Why don't you be a good boy...uh...girl...uh...computer
     and see if you can maybe locate her please with sugar on top?

Harry:  (still sulking)  Well, o.k.

Harry searches his scanners while whistling the Philosophers' Drinking
Song.  (Everyone!  "Immanuel Kant was a real...")

Harry:  ...could out-consume...ah. Here we are.  Lt. Drewid is in sector 4,
        grid 12.

hj and Euge:  What the hell is she doing in sector 4 grid 12?

Euge:  uh...Commander?  What's sector 4 grid 12?

hj:  How the hell should I know?  Harry, what is sector 4 grid 12?

Harry:  (calmly, almost nonchalantly)  She is aboard the ship Kuwaitaminit.

hj:  Then why isn't she answe...

Suddenly, that crackling sound comes over the intercom again.  That's
the American-made intercom obviously.  I mean, a Japanese intercom would
never crackle even if it was carrying two swallows and a coconut.  Oh,
that's two UNladen swallows, naturally.  I mean if it were carrying two...)

All:  GET ON WITH IT!!!

(Right.  Anyway, soon after the crackling starts, a barely audible voice
begins to come through.  Harry works (still muttering) to tune in the
coordinates of the voice.  Seconds later, the following message is heard.)

Voice:  All right, you Chivalier pigs!  This is Sitdown Insane.  I have
       just taken over this small and unimportant but well-worth-having
       ship, the Kuwaitaminit and am holding your Lt. Drewid prisoner.
       Negotiations are useless.  We will stay here until you ask us very
       nicely to leave.  And even then we may stay, so there!

Euge:  Oh, no!  It's Sitdown Insane!  And he's got the Drewid!

hj:  (aside)  Good, maybe he'll keep her.

Euge:  What are we going to do??

Harry:  Nobody ever asks my opinion.  Nobody cares what I think...

hj:  Oh, shut up, Harry.

Harry goes back to sulking quietly.

Suddenly, Lt. Hoke skips into the room, playing with a yo-yo.

Hoke:  What's up, guys?

Harry:  Oh, nothing much.  My chips are sore and one of my knobs is stuck,
    not that anybody cares, Lt. Drewid is a prisoner of Sitdown Insane....

Hoke:  (freaking out)  Oh no!!! How could this have happened?  What are we
   going to do?  Oh, he'll kill her, I know it!  Why are you just standing
   here?  We've got to do something!  Oh no!  oh no!  oh no!

hj:  (slapping her across the face rather harder than necessary)  Pull
        yourself together, lieutenant.

Lt. Hoke calms down, leaving Cmdr. hj rather disappointed that she doesn't
get to smack her again.

hj:  maybe...

Suddenly the static returns and a second message is heard.

Voice#2:  Well, we have heard the reports about Shotdown Inspain and we
can't confirm or deny them yet...as a matter of fact, we were planning to
ignore them, but there's an election coming up and...well, anyway, we're
planning to send in the entire fleet to intercept the Kuwaitaminit and
shoot at it with everything we've got until Shotdown agrees to give what's
left of it back to us.

hj:  It's the fleet commander, Commander Shrub!

Euge:  But what's so important about the Kuwaitaminit that made Sitdown
        want to steal it in the first place?

Shrub:  (predictably)  In case any of you are wondering what's so important
        about the Kuwaitaminit...it's the universe's only wholesale
        producer of broccoli.

Euge:  But we only get 10% of our broccoli from the Kuwaitaminit!

Shrub:  BUT...this is NOT about broccoli.  This is about defending little
    helpless ships like the Kuwaitaminit and keeping them safely under our
    ...um...I mean keeping them safe and proving that (singing) our ships
    are better then Shotdowns...our ships are better than Shotdowns...

hj:  (flipping off the intercom in disgust)  Well, folks, here we go again!


Tune in next week for the second episode of our wonderfully exciting
trilogy:  OIL WARS:  SHRUB STRIKES OUT...um...make that BACK.

This week's episode starred (in alphabetical order):

Lt. Euge
Commander half japanese

and co-starred:

Lt. Hoke
Commander Shrub
Sitdown Insane

with:

Harry, the ship's computer.  (Harry:  oh, sure, I only get "with" credit)

also starring:

sir not-appearing-in-this-film
and
Lt. JG Drewid (who doesn't get any more lines as a drewid than she did as
                the silent apprentice)

Music by Tom Lehrer

Casting by:   TACKYSCRIPTS 'R' US

Costumes by:  RALPH THE WONDER LLAMA, INC.

------------------
Date: Sat, 16 Feb 91 19:25 EDT
From: "Gilliam, Suzanne" 
Subject: THE OIL WARS TRILOGY -- SHRUB STRIKES BACK


In our last episode, Sitdown Insane, inter-galactic bad guy, had
overtaken the Kuwaitaminit and in the process had managed to kidnap the
long-suffering drewid.  Fleet Commander Shrub had declared all-out war on
Sitdown and the core crew of the Chivalier were ordered to an emergency
briefing in Commander half japanese's quarters.

hj:  Our numbers seem to be dwindling.  Where is Lt. Wojwoman?

Euge:  um...you killed her, Commander.

hj:  oh yeah.  Oh well, I guess we can do without her.  Now, as you may
     know, the ship Kuwaitaminit has been invaded and taken over by Sitdown
     Insane.  Unfortunately, (pauses dramatically) Lt. JG drewid was aboard
     the Kuwaitaminit when it was attacked.  She is being held hostage.

(Commander hj looks toward Lt. Hoke.  Lt. Hoke seems about burst into
hysteria again when she catches the commander looking at her.  She bites
her lip and keeps silent.  hj continues.)

hj:  Fleet Commander Shrub has ordered us into action to defend some of the
     smaller ships against Sitdown Insane's fighters.  We are expecting a
     briefing from the commander at any moment.

(All eyes turn toward the intercom speaker.  Right on cue the static
begins.)

Shrub:  All right, now I have some things to say and then I'll take
     questions.  First of all, let me say that Shotdown Inspain's actions...

(A softer voice in the background mumbles something to the commander.)

Shrub:  Shotdown Insane's actions...

(The soft voice is heard again.)

Shrub:  Sitdown Insane?  Are you sure?  (a mumble)  Well, whoever he is,
        his actions are unforgiveable.  Now, I've given him 24 hours to
        give up before I send the fleet in there to blast the daylights out
        of him.  Questions?

Person:  Commander, why are we going in to destroy him?  Has he refused to
         relinquish his hold in the Kuwaitaminit?  What are his demands?

Shrub:  We will not listen to any ransom demands.  We refuse to deal with
        terrorists.  Next question?

Person#2:  Commander, has there been any contact with the crew of the
           Kuwaitaminit?

Shrub:  Now, as far as we know, there has been no contact with the crew of
        the Kuwaitaminit.  They may all be dead, for all we know.  That
        must not deter us from our mission.

Person#3:  Commander, what exactly is our mission?

Shrub:  To show Shotdown....Sitdown Insane that we are willing to use any
        amount of military force in order to preserve peace.

Commander hj:  Commander, is there any word of the drewid?

(The voice mumbles behind Shrub)

Shrub:  We cannot release any information that may be vital to the success
        of our mission.  Well, that concludes our information session.
        Thank you for coming.

(The intercom crackles and goes silent.)

hj:  Well, gang, it looks like we're going to have to go in and rescue her
     ourselves.  Harry?

(Harry the ship's computer lights up.)

Harry:  What do you want now?

hj:  (somewhat annoyed)  Harry, find me the present coordinates of the
     Kuwaitaminit.

Harry:  (sighs)  It's STILL in sector 4 grid 12.  Exactly where it's been
        the last 12 times you've asked me to check.  It ain't movin'.

Euge:  Did you have Harry's character reprogrammed again, commander?

hj:  No, I did it myself this time.

Hoke: (under her breath)  I could've told you that.

hj:  Very well, Harry, program our course for sector 4...

Harry:  Sector 4, grid 12.  I know, I know, I know.

hj:  Well, gang, let's get moving.  All of you go prepare for the rescue
     mission while I formulate a plan.

Euge:  um...Commander?

hj:  What is it, lieutenant?

Euge:  Well, I just thought...I mean...I thought maybe you'd want me to
        plan the mission for a change.

hj:  (looks at Euge menacingly.)  WHY?

Euge:  Well, the last time you planned a mission the drewid got kidnapped.

hj:  That was the last mission, Lt. Euge.

Euge:  Exactly.

(Commander hj draws herself up to her fullest height...stop laughing, all
of you...and glares at Euge.  It seems that he is about to suffer the same
fate as Wojwoman.)

Euge:  (quickly)  Never mind.  (he runs out of the room)

(With one contemptuous glance at the fast-retreating figure of Lt. Euge,
Commander hj sits down to map out a strategy for saving the drewid.
Suddenly, she leaps up, slaps the table in front of her, and yells:

hj:  I've got it!  (pressing the intercom button)  Lt. Euge, find Lt. Hoke
        go down to the engineering wing immediately.  I have a plan.

What is Commander hj's plan?  Tune in next week, when you'll hear Harry,
the ship's computer say...

Harry:  You know, (flirt flirt) I never realized how many hot babes there
        are on this ship (flirt flirt).

Who has been reprogramming Harry's personality?  What is in store for the
Kuwaitaminit?  Will the drewid ever have any lines in a ST:TCG episode?
Find out next week!



ST:TCG -- THE OIL WARS TRILOGY -- SHRUB STRIKES BACK starred:

Commander half japanese
Lt. Euge
Lt. Hoke
Fleet Commander Shrub

and co-starred:

the mumbled voice in back of Fleet Commander Shrub
Person #1
Person #2
Person #3

with:

Harry, the ship's computer  (Harry:  Hey!  Now wait just a g- d- minute
        here!  I had more lines than all of those "co-starred" people
        put together! Dammit, Jim, I'm a serious actor, not a walk-on!


Music by ROBIN'S MINSTRELS

Scenery by Roger the Shrubber

Costumes by The Old Man in Scene Twenty-Four

Make-up by Ralph the Wonder Llama with help from The Moose the Bit My
                Sister, Inc.

Casting by Dinsdale (that's a chug)


Tune in next week for ST:TCG -- THE OIL WARS TRILOGY -- WITH A LITTLE HELP
                        FROM MY FRIENDS

------------------
Date: Sat, 23 Feb 91 23:41 EDT
From: "Gilliam, Suzanne" 
Subject: ST:TCG THE OIL WARS TRILOGY -- WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM MY FRIENDS.

In our last episode, Commander half japanese had just formulated a plan for
rescuing the drewid.  All crew members of the Chivalier have been ordered
to prepare for this top-secret mission.  In the engineering wing of the
Chivalier, the sounds of hammering and banging and the occasional chain-saw
can be heard.  Finally, everything is in place and the Chivalier heads (in
"stealth" mode) toward the Kuwaitaminit.

Commander hj:  Lt. Euge, is everything ready?

Euge:  All ready, Commander.

hj:  Good.  Now all we have to do is wait.  Harry?

Harry, ship's computer:  Hi, gorgeous.  Can I be of service?  Anything at
        all?  (flirt, flirt)

hj:  (looking at Euge)  Your handiwork, I presume?

Euge:  (looking shocked)  Not me, Commander.  You programmed him last,
        remember?

hj:  Then who....

Suddenly, a high-pitched screetch is heard, followed by a volley of
giggles.

hj:  What is that racket?

The doors to the bridge slide open to reveal.....Captain Richard Muirden!
(Along with a flushed and rather embarrassed-looking Lt. Hoke.)

Muirden:  Hello all.

hj:  (completely dumbfounded)  What the hell are you doing here?

Muirden:  Well, I heard you were having a bit of trouble.  Kerry...um...I
        mean Lt. Hoke mentioned something about losing one of your crew
        members...

hj:  (coldly)  If you are referring to Lt. JG drewid, the situation is well
        under control.

Muirden:  Ah.  Well, anyway, I thought, since I had nothing else pressing,
        that I'd come over and see if I could help out.  Patrolling the Large
        Magellanic Cloud can become rather tiresome, you know.

hj:  You thought you'd come over???  We're on a starship!  How the hell do
        you "come over" to a starship??

Muirden:  What can I say, I'm talented.

Harry:  Wow, two good-looking women in the same room.  I think my circuits
        are overheating.  Why doesn't one of you try rotating a few of my
        dials?  (flirt flirt).

hj:  Would somebody throw some cold water over him, please?  Hey!! Now we
        know who reprogrammed him.  (to Muirden)  Fix him.  NOW!!

Muirden:  Oh, all right.  (He reprograms Harry's character to be a little
        less...um...well, he reprograms Harry's character.)

Harry:  Phew!  It's a good thing he reprogrammed me.  My screen was
        starting to fog up.

hj:  How long until we reach the Kuwaitaminit, Harry?

Harry:  Approximately 3.4 seconds.

The Kuwaitaminit appears on the front projection screen.

hj:  Well, there it is.  Places everyone.

The crew scramble into place.  The Chivalier silently floats into the
landing hold.

Scene 2:  The Landing Hold

Four of Insane's men are standing guard.  They look extremely bored.

The Chivalier docks (the stealth mode has rendered the ship invisible) and
the lower holding area door opens.  A ramp appears (actually it doesn't
because it's invisible, but you get the idea).  The sound of wheels rolling
can be heard.  A large contraption seemingly made out of plastic and scrap
metal appears and rolls toward the guards.  It has an appendage on top that
resembles what on earth would be called a badger, and a huge storage
compartment underneath.  The guards stare in shock.

Guard1 (in Arabic):  C'est un badger.  Un badger de plastic and scrap
        metal.

The other three gaze at it, dumbfounded.

Guard1 (in Arabic):  C'est un cadeau.

Guard2 (in Arabic):  A wot?

Guard1 (in Arabic):  A present.

Guards 2,3,and 4 (in Arabic):  Oh.

Guard1 (in Arabic):  Allons-y.

Guard3 (in Arabic):  What?

Guard1 (in Arabic):  Let's go.

They creep up to the badger.  Suddenly, the door to the storage compartment
is flung wide open and out spring....the entire crews of the Croutonprize,
the Heisenberg, the Chivalier, and the Melbourne!!

Admiral Avenger:  Aha!  So you stupid Arabic-speaking types thought you
        could outsmart us by capturing the drewid!  Think again, sons of a
        window-dresser!

The crew(s) quickly round up the guards, who stand there staring stupidly
at all of these people who have just piled out of a large badger made of
plastic and scrap metal.  The crews then split up and set about recapturing
the ship.  Soon, (after some terrific, if low-budget, fight scenes with
suitably heroic music), all of Sitdown Insane's men are rounded up on the
loading dock.  They are packed into the badger, put aboard the ship they
flew in on, and sent back out into space.  That is, after their ship was
pre-programmed to land on the farthest uninhabited planet in the known
universe.  The crews are in the midst of celebrating noisily (Euge and
Richard are flirting noisily) when Commander hj interrupts.

hj:  But where is the drewid?

The crews all stand and look around them as if she was in the room and
someone had misplaced her.  Seeing that she's quite obviously not with
them, they turn back toward Commander hj.

hj:  (to the Captain of the Kuwaitaminit)  Where are your incarceration
        cells?

The Captain takes hj and the other members of the Chivalier (and Muirden,
who is permanently affixed to Lt. Hoke's side) to the prison block.  There,
in a dark and dismal cell, all alone, sits the drewid.

drewid:  Well, it's about time!  I was beginning to think you weren't going
        to invite me to your little shin-dig.  And by the way, how come it
        took you so long to come get me?  I've been here for two weeks!  You
        have no idea how bored I've been.  I started counting the specks of
        dust in this place, I was so bored.  And another thing...(she drones
        on, as Commander hj attempts to negotiate with the Captain of the
        Kuwaitaminit as to the possibility of leaving her there.  The rest
        of the crew of the Chivalier hastily persuade her to change her mind,
        and the reunited crew returns to the loading dock, to be greeted by
        triumphant shouts, and generally much rejoicing.)

Euge:  Mission accomplished, once again!

hj:  All right, everybody, we do have work to do.  We'd better be getting
        back to our respective ships now.  That goes for you too, Muirden.

Muirden:  Awwwww, Commander!

hj:  You heard me.

Admiral Avenger:  What seems to be the trouble, Muirden?

Muirden:  Well, sir, um...(looks at Lt. Hoke and blushes)...I, that is...

Admiral Avenger:  Say no more.  A nod's as good as a wink to a blind bat.

Muirden looks puzzled.

Admiral Avenger:  Lt. Hoke, how would you like to be permanently assigned
        to the Melbourne?

Hoke characteristically goes into one of her hyper fits and has to be
sedated.  Muirden carries her little limp body back to the ship after
announcing that everyone present was invited to the wedding.

And so, happiness reigns.  Even the drewid is uncharacteristically cheerful
as she resumed her old duties aboard the Chivalier.   Harry, the ship's
computer is back to normal, Commander hj's plan worked, much to the relief
of Lt. Euge, and Lt. JG Hoke was well on her way to becoming conscious.

drewid:  All's well that ends, I suppose.  Now what the hell am I supposed
        to do with this badger?



TTTTTTTTTTTT            HHH       HHH           EEEEEEEEEEE
    TTT                 HHH       HHH           EE
    TTT                 HHH       HHH           EE
    TTT                 HHHHHHHHHHHHH           EEEEEEE
    TTT                 HHH       HHH           EE
    TTT                 HHH       HHH           EE
    TTT                 HHH       HHH           EEEEEEEEEEE


EEEEEEEEEEE             NNN       NNN           DDDDDDDDDDD
EE                      NNN N     NNN           DD         D
EE                      NNN  N    NNN           DD          D
EEEEEEEEEEE             NNN   N   NNN           DD         D
EE                      NNN    N  NNN           DD        D
EE                      NNN     N NNN           DD       D
EEEEEEEEEEE             NNN       NNN           DDDDDDDDD



THE OIL WARS TRILOGY STARRED:

Commander half japanese
Lt. Euge
Lt. JG Hoke
Captain of the Melbourne Richard Muirden
Admiral Avenger
Lt. JG drewid
Harry, ship's computer for the Chivalier  (Harry:  damn straight!)
Commander Shrub, incompetent fleet commander
Sitdown Insane

Co-starring:

the mumbled voice in back of Commander Shrub
Guard1
Guard2
Guard3
Guard4
the casts and crews of the Heisenberg, the Croutonprize, and the Melbourne
a large badger made of plastic and scrap metal


Music composed by: Wagner and Sons, Ltd.

Costumes by: Sparrows 'R' Us

Casting by:  Coconuts-on-a-Vine, Inc.

Scenery by:  BBC television


Written entirely by: the drewid (with some help from Monty Python and the
        creators of Spaceballs)


All complaints about the quality of this presentation should be addressed
to British Airways, the third washroom along, behind the pipes.