STAR TREK: THE CROUTON GENERATION
			  SEASON THREE
			Episodes #16-18
======================================================================

Date: Sat, 16 Feb 91 16:05:26 edt
From: "Packs of Wolves. No Hippos (Russell, Kerri)" 
Subject: ST:TCG ***short***

On the Next tantilizing episode of
        STAR TREK THE CROUTON GENERATION....


                "Too Much of a Good Thing"

The Chivalier rondezvous with the Melbourne resulting in overflirtation of
undersexed crew members of both ships.  There doesn't seem to be any problem
until Captain Chow of the Chivalier decides his conquest is complete and it's
time to move on to other ships in other galaxies, and then discovers that
the former Cpt. Flirt and the new Capt. Flirt are deeply engaged in a contest
involving who can get more women to swoon over them.  Who will win this
contest????  Who will get pictures of their flirts????  Why does half japanese
always insist on using several question marks???? Will crew members ever stop
"jumping" ship???? Find out on the NEXT exciting episode of Star Trek the
Crouton Generation!!!!!

---------------
Date: Thu, 21 Feb 91 01:05:14 -0700
From: zecca@tramp (Admiral Avenger)
Subject: ST:TCG "Jez's Day"

[Jez's voice, translated to Federation Standard]
"To my dear Griddlebone on Stardate 102025,
     The Romulan Alliance is now sealed and I have returned home to the
_Croutonprize_.  We successfully foiled Commander Bloocheez's plans and
the _C Hag_ was destroyed, so hopefully we will see no more of him.  I
guess, all in all, this just goes to prove one of my captain's favorite
proverbs:  'Worlds may change, galaxies disintegrate, but a Crouton always
stays crunchy.'"

The door to Captain Crouton's office rings.  He puts down his copy of
Kernighen and Ritchie and removes his feet from the desk.

Crouton:  Come in.

Jez the Wonder Kitty bounds into the room, hops up onto the desk, walks
across it and into Chris's lap.

Jez:  Mrow meow mrowp.  [You called me, sir.]  Mrowp purrp meow purr.  [Right
  behind the ears would be nice.]
Crouton (scratching Jez' ears):  Yes, Jez.  I've received word from Admiral
  Avenger that he would like you to accompany him on a brief mission aboard
  the _Heisenberg_.  Apparently, the Admiral feels you need some time on
  another ship, just to get some experience.
Jez (purring contentedly):  Mrow meowr purr mrowp.  [Okay.  When do I leave?]
  Prrrrup meow moew.  [A little higher, please.]
Crouton:  In about ten minutes, we'll be rendevousing with the _Heisenberg_.
Jez:  Purr mrow meowr purr...  [That means ten more minutes of this...]
			* * * * *

		 "Jez's Day"
		(Part 1 of 2)

Written by Admiral Avenger

Guest stars
	Dwight Schultz as the human voice of Jez the Wonder Kitty

Directed by Patrick McGoohan

Music by Henry Mancini
(Trombone Solo by Jonathan Frakes)

			* * * * *
"I have been aboard the _Heisenberg_ before, but in that instance it was
purely an accident.  (I fell asleep in Kabeta's luggage when she was
moving from the _Croutonprize_ assignment to the _Heisenberg_ command.)
I wonder if things have changed at all..."

Avenger steps off the Croutonizer pad.  Jez follows, and begins to rub
all over Kabeta's ankles.

Avenger:  Hello, Kabeta.  I hope you don't mind my asking Jez to join me.
Kabeta:  No problem.  (changing subjects)  Shall we go to my office?
Avenger (suddenly taking on a serious tone):  That would be my first choice.
Kabeta:  Jez, why don't you go with Mr. Hutchings here?
Hutchings (insecurely):  Captain, do you think it's really safe for me to--?
Jez:  Mrowp meow mrow hiss mrow.  [Just as long as you make sure to feed me.]
Kabeta:  Jez...!  Don't help!
Jez:  Mrow meow.  [Yes, ma'am.]
			* * * * *
Jez bounds down the hallway a few dozen feet ahead of Hutchings.

Hutchings (insecurely):  Jez, don't stray too far...  You'll get lost.
Jez:  Mrow meowr mrowp meow mrow!  [I *do* serve aboard a _Salad_-class
  ship, you know!]
Hutchings (insecurely):  True.  (pause)  Still, last time the Ship's Origin
  was on board, he could only find his way to Sickbay -- wherever he was
  intending to go.
Jez:  Mrow meowr mro meorw?  [Ship's Origin?  Who's that?]
Hutchings (insecurely):  That's what we call Admiral Avenger around here.

Hutchings stops and fidgets in the hallway.

Jez:  Meowr mrowp prrp meowr mrow meow?  [Whatever is wrong with you?]

Jez runs into something.  He looks up...and up...and up...  Ensign Thokk
stands towering above him in the corridor.

Thokk:  Cute little kitty.
Jez:  Mrow meowr hiss mrow meowp mrow?? [Who are you calling little?]
  (pause, while looking up again)  Mrowp meowr mrow.  [Never mind.]
Thokk:  Come on, kitty.  Maybe *you* can teach me how to work the food slots. 
			* * * * *
In Kabeta's office, Admiral Avenger has taken up station across her desk
and is scanning through page after page of _Heisenberg_ log reports, tactical
information, and so on.  Kabeta appears somewhat surprised at the speed at
which he moves through the information.

Avenger (frowning sternly):  I don't like this.
Kabeta:  I don't either.  I would have brought it to your attention sooner
  if it hadn't been for...other problems.
Avenger (still frowning):  That's not what I'm talking about.

Avenger removes his glasses, closes his eyes and massages his temples.

Avenger (a little less stern):  What I mean is, yes this is evidently the
  sign of a new Lucky Charm threat, yes the situation is serious, yes it is
  definitely something to worry about...  But what I'm really angry about is
  that Headquarters didn't tell me about the Intelligence Officer.
Kabeta:  Maybe they simply forgot?  Or perhaps they were worried the word
  would get out and destroy his cover?
Avenger:  I just don't like being checked up upon behind my back.  You've
  revealed *one* hidden Intelligence Officer.  How many others might there
  be in the LMC task force?
Kabeta:  I don't know.  (pause)  Perhaps you shouldn't worry about it.
  They're not really doing their job unless they *have* covered their tracks.
Avenger:  I just don't like the repercussions of such action.

Avenger stops, unclenches his fists, then unclenches his jaw and allows it
to drop wide open for a moment before continuing.

Avenger:  I'm sorry.  Maybe I'm just being paranoid.
			* * * * *
"I have never understood the human fascination with alcohol.  It seems to
me that a good dose of Pounce and catnip would be a much more pleasant
experience.  Still, Ensign Thokk did invite me along for a free meal, so
I shouldn't complain."

At a large table in Ten Forward, Thokk and Jez sit before piles of empty
plates.  Thokk continues to work through some form of large meaty leg.

Thokk:  You're a smart kitty, kitty.  You could help out a lot around here.
Jez (rolling eyes):  Mrowrr...  [Oh no...]
Thokk:  Here, have some more Pounce.  (puts another plate in front of Jez)
Jez (eyes bugging out):  mrrrrewerrr [Ugh, I think I'm going to be sick.]

They hear a commotion from near the bar.  A random ensign is choking on
something and some off-duty medical personnel are attempting the Heimlich
Maneuver.  Their efforts appear to be failing.

Jez:  Mrow meowp mrow.  [I'd better get help.]  (bounds out of Ten Forward)
			* * * * *
Kabeta sits at her desk, contemplating the situation quietly.  Admiral Avenger
sits across the desk from her, staring bleary-eyed at the computer screen,
hands in his hair, absent-mindedly pulling out strands.  He moves for the
first time in a half an hour and she thinks she catches him blinking for the
first time in ten minutes.

Avenger (exhausted):  Look, I've taken too much of your time up with this.
  Right now, I just need to study this privately for a while and decide on
  a course of action.
Kabeta:  You may have the use of my office, of course...
Avenger:  Thank you, Kabeta.  Look, I'm sorry to have put you through this
  long, boring waiting game.  (looks at his chronometer)  Looks like you'd
  be about off-duty now anyway.
Kabeta (half-smiling/half-serious):  A captain is *never* off-duty.

Avenger cracks a very brief smile at that comment, then tightens up again.

Avenger:  Well, go ahead anyway.  If I need anything, I'll call you.
Kabeta:  Certainly.  (getting up)  I'll be in Holodeck 2, if you need me.

Kabeta leaves.  Avenger peruses the material for a moment longer, as if
he is waiting for Kabeta to get far enough away, then hits the comm panel.

Avenger:  Bridge, send in your science officers.
			* * * * *
Dr. Hertzman shuts the eyes of the ensign and pulls the sheet up over
his head.

Jez:  Mrow?  Meow mrow?  [What's wrong?  What happened?]
Hertzman:  He's dead, Jez.

Ruth sits down and puts her head in her hands.  Her voice cracks somewhat
in her anguish.

Hertzman:  How on Earth can someone choke to death on a pretzel in the
  25th Century?  What kind of sorry state am I in if I can't treat--?

"Humans can be so emotional about death sometimes.  Perhaps it is because
  of their greater life spans -- maybe death affects them more because
  they see it less often than we do."

Jez:  Mrow meow mrow purrp mrow mew mew mrow.  [There wasn't anything
  you can do.  These things just happen sometimes.]
Hertzman:  Still... (pause, and a tear dripping down her face)  Somebody
  get the Speaker for the Dead down here.

The Sickbay doors open and Lt. JG Kleber enters.  

Kleber:  I believe my services are needed?  (looks down at the body)
  Hmm...this won't do.  I don't do funerals on Thursdays.
			* * * * *
Lt. Cdr. yaz-pistachio and Lt. JG maya stand just inside the doors to
Kabeta's office.  The Admiral finally turns from the desk and faces them.
yaz flings his white aviator scarf back over his shoulder, since it had
slipped off.

Avenger:  Nice outfit.  I don't care if it's *not* regulation.
maya/yaz (simultaneously):  Thanks.  (looking at each other)  Hey!
Avenger:  Are you familiar with gravitationally boosted superluminal flight?
maya:  That was one of the theories people studied before warp drive was
  discovered, wasn't it?
Avenger:  Exactly.  (pause)  I'm wondering if the Lucky Charms have used
  something similar to get to this end of the Universe?
yaz:  What makes you assume they're not from a nearby galaxy?
Avenger:  For security reasons, I can't tell you at this time.  But I am
  quite sure they originated several billion light-years from here.

maya and yaz both whistle appreciatively at the great distance involved.

Avenger:  I'd like you to make a scan of the Tarantula Nebula.  See if you
  can find some correlation between the high mass of the region, Lucky Charm
  flight paths, and perhaps where they might have come from.
maya:  Isn't the Tarantula Nebula an unexplored stellar nursery on the other
  side of the LMC?
Avenger:  Unexplored *by us*, at least.  That may change soon, depending on
  your results. (pause)  Report those results *only* to me.  This is a top
  secret project.  Do I make myself clear?
yaz:  maya, is the Admiral still here or did he just turn on his cloaking
  device?
			* * * * *
"Dear Griddlebone...  How I miss you out here on the frontier.  The sudden
  and inconceivably silly death of a _Heisenberg_ officer has reminded me
  just how fleeting our relationship has been.  Perhaps we should do
  something about that before it becomes too late."

In the ship's auditorium/chapel, the Speaker for the Dead is completing
his pre-funeral arrangements.  A scattering of ensigns from the lower
decks slowly fill the room.

Lin-Elenuial (surprising Jez):  Lieutenant, I'd like to have a word with you.
Jez:  Mrow meow mrowp meowp mrow.  [You just had several.]
Lin-Elenuial:  Not here.  (points to the door)  Shall we?
Jez (flustered):  Mrow meowp mrow hiss mew.  [Oh, I guess so!]
			* * * * *
maya:  There *might* be some correlation between the Lucky Charms and the
  Tarantula Nebula region.  We're just not sure.
yaz:  I suppose it could hold promise for us later on though, if we wanted
  to try out a gravitationally-assisted warp drive--
Avenger (cutting yaz off, hitting the comm panel):  Ensign O'Forever, plot
  a course for the Tarantula Nebula, Jolt-Factor 7.
O'Forever (ic, incredulously):  Seven?  (pause)  Admiral, that region is
  far beyond our current exploration run--
Avenger:  I'm quite aware of that.  Plot the course and engage.
O'Forever (ic):  Ooooookay...
Avenger:  I'll be in the usual place.  Call me when we arrive.

Avenger leaves Kabeta's office.  As the door shuts, maya turns to yaz...

maya:  The "usual place"?
yaz:  Just go to the Ship's Origin.  We can always find him there.
			* * * * *
Iluvanna and Jez walk through the ship together.

Iluvanna:  Why did you and Admiral Avenger come aboard?
Jez:  Mrow meowp mrow mew mrew mrow mew.  [I dunno.  He wanted me to come
  along, so I just did.]
Iluvanna:  Does it have something to do with the recent Lucky Charm problems?
  Is he nosing into ship's procedures?  What is he--?
Jez:  Mrow hiss meowp meowp prrp hiss!  [Oh, shut up and pet me!]

Jez stops near the doors to Holodeck 2.  He begins to sniff around the edge
of the doors.  Suddenly, he leaps back and arches his back high in the air.

Jez:  HISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!
Iluvanna:  What is it, Jez?  What?!
Jez:  HISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!  [I smell a dog.  What does it look like?]

"Griddlebone, why is it that humans always miss or else constantly restate
  the obvious?"

The Holodeck doors open and Captain Kabeta jumps, surprised to see Jez and
Iluvanna waiting outside the door for her.  Jez stops hissing, looks at Kabeta
curiously, then relaxes his back.  Iluvanna eyes her suspiciously.

Kabeta (scratching Jez's ears):  It's okay, Jez.  (looking him in the eyes)
  It's *okay*.
Jez (looking at her with suspicion):  Mrreew..  [Hmm...]
			* * * * *
Scribonia the Illegible enters the bridge and moves toward the command area.
She notices the rapidly changing and unfamiliar starfield.  She redirects
herself to the con position.

Scribonia:  Ensign, where are we going?
O'Forever:  The Tarantula Nebula, Jolt-Factor 7.  (smiles)  Isn't it
  obvious?
Scribonia:  Who told you to take us there?
yaz (from the back of the bridge):  "He is not programmed to respond in
  that area."
Scribonia:  Well, turn us around and take us back to--
maya:  I don't think the Admiral will be very pleased-- (she suddenly slaps
  her hand across her mouth)
Scribonia:  Oooohhhh....  Never mind.  As you were.

Scribonia moves to the Captain's chair and hits the comm panel.

Scribonia:  Captain Kabeta, report to the bridge, please.
			* * * * *
The _Heisenberg_ warps past us into the distance.  Suddenly, a rather large
purple horseshoe warps by as well.

			TO BE CONTINUED...

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Next time, on an all-new episode of

		Staaaaar Trek: The Crouton Generation:

		     "Just Yel If You Need Me"

They were the most powerful force in the universe and they're back.  What
cruel secret is the Admiral hiding from the valiant _Heisenberg_ crew and
will it mean the difference between survival and a Lucky Charm meal?
Find out, on the next exciting episode of ST:TCG!

---------------
Date: Thu, 21 Feb 91 01:08:29 -0700
From: zecca@tramp (Admiral Avenger)
Subject: ST:TCG "Jez's Day" (Part 2)

"Dear Griddlebone,
     Since my last letter, we made a sudden and very top secret diversion
to an unexplored part of the Large Magellanic Cloud.  I don't know what's
wrong, but Admiral Avenger seems very distressed and Lt. Lin-Elenuial keeps
asking me all kinds of strange questions.  I think I'll just try to cheer up
the Admiral for a while."

The doors to Sickbay open and Admiral Avenger marches in.  He looks up
from the deep thought he is in, looks around confusedly, says "Damn"
and marches out again.

Dr. Hertzman looks up curiously, then returns to her duties.  The doors
to Sickbay open again and the Admiral repeats his previous action.
Ruth throws her hands up in the air, then calmly walks over the door
and engages the electronic lock.

Out in the hallway...
Jez:  Mrowp meowr prrrup meowr?  [Hi, Admiral.  Where're you going?]
Avenger:  I'm trying to find the VIP Quarters, but as usual, I'm getting
  sucked into the black hole they call a Sickbay on this ship.  (pause)
  I bet Escher designed the interiors for this ship.
Jez:  Mrow meowr mrowp mrowr prrup meowr mrowp.  [Tell you what -- carry
  me and scratch my ears and I'll direct you.]

Avenger picks up Jez and begins to scratch behind his ears.  Jez purrs
contentedly.  They soon reach the VIP Quarters and enter.

Jez:  Mrow meowr mrow?  [Aren't you going to turn on the lights?]
Avenger:  No.  I always find it more peaceful this way...dark except
  for the gentle starlight.

Suddenly, the ship rocks and the star patterns change abruptly.  Sirens
begin to wail.

Pandora:    We're having an emergency. 

Jez:  Mrow?!  Meowr?!  [What's going on?  What happened?]
Avenger:  I was afraid of this.  (putting Jez down)  I'm sorry, Jez.
  You'll have to leave now.
Jez:  Mew?  [What?]
Avenger:  Please.  See if you can help Kabeta on the bridge.
Jez (resignedly):  Mrowp meow.  [Yes, sir.]

Jez leaves.  Once the door shuts behind him, three shapes shimmer into
existence in the VIP Quarters.

Yem:  Thank the Roddenberry you're here.  You're just in time.
Yef:  You did well, son.  It was the right thing to do.
Yel:  They're here and there isn't much time.  Hurry!
Avenger:  What?  Wait a minute.  What do you mean--?

Yef, Yel and Yem look around in fear and shimmer out of existence again.
Lt. Lin-Elenuial rushes in just after they have left.  He looks at Admiral
Avenger suspiciously.

Lin-Elenuial:  What's going on here?  Who were you just talking to?  Where
  the hell ARE WE?!

Fade into opening credits.
			* * * * *

		"Just Yel If You Need Me"
	 	    (Part 2 of 2)

Written by Admiral Avenger

Guest stars
	Dwight Schultz as the human voice of Jez the Wonder Kitty
	Al Lewis as Yel
	Wilford Brimley as yef
	Art Carney as Yem
	Paul Philipson as the Lucky Charm Commander

Directed by Brent Spiner

Music by John Barry

			* * * * *
"Captain's Log, Stardate 102026.7:
     Admiral Avenger's secret mission seems to have flung us across the
galaxy to unknown regions.  I intend to get to the bottom of this mess
immediately.  Unfortunately, our Star Fleet Intelligence Officer got to
the Admiral first."

Lin-Elenuial:  Admiral Avenger, Star Fleet Intelligence gives me the
  authority to intervene in a situation like this and take control unless
  you can give a proper explanation of just what you have done.
Avenger (taking charge):  Calm down, Lieutenant!

Iluvanna freezes at this and stares down the Admiral.

Avenger:  I am going to explain the entire situation, but only once, so
  I want your captain within hearing range while I do it.  Come on.
			* * * * *
In the conference room, Kabeta, Scribonia, Lin-Elenuial, yaz, Zenador,
McDonagh, Counselor Jiapa and Matt Ender sit around the table.  Lt. JG
Kendragon shreds papers nervously while Jez the Wonder Kitty looks on
curiously.

Kabeta:  Admiral Avenger wishes to brief us on the situation at hand.
  (lowered voice) This had better be good. (pause) Admiral?

Avenger gets up and begins to stroll around the room nervously.

Avenger:  My people have been studying the Earth for thousands of years.
  About 500 years ago they decided to try a new experiment and bred *me*
  to appear human and to grow up amongst humans.  They hoped that by
  having one of us grow up in human society they would be able to better
  learn about the race they admired so much.  I don't share all the highly
  evolved powers of my race or quite the life span, but I am still in many
  ways one of them.
       I was to remain hidden on Earth for some fifty years before being
  picked up by the elders to report on the situation.  During that time,
  I was not supposed to be aware of my true origins.
Jiapa:  What went wrong?
Avenger:  Two things.  I wasn't the only experiment on the Earth at this
  time.  Another one, called "BOB," apparently backfired.  He caused a
  murder spree in a small town in the northwestern United States.  This
  happened at about the same time that the Eugenics Wars were beginning.
  Started with the invasion of Kuwait as I remember... (lost in thought)
Iluvanna:  The *Eugenics* Wars?  How old *are* you?
Avenger (deep breath):  I was born to apparent human parents in the year
  1969 by your calendar.  Twenty-some years later, the elders returned for
  me...and BOB.  We returned to the home planet by means of a peculiar drive
  system I never fully have figured out, but also using the Tarantula wormhole
  for the final leg of the trip.  Due to relativistic concerns, a hundred
  years passed during a trip that seemed to me to be just a few weeks.
  (half smile)  So I'm not as old as you may think.

The pile of paper in front of Kendragon is growing large.  Jez continues
to watch curiously, his eyes growing wider.

Zenador:  Then what?
Avenger:  I lived life out on the home planet for the next 200 years.  I
  learned about my true culture and they learned some things about human
  culture from me.  I took to it all quite well, since I had always felt
  somehow that I hadn't belonged on Earth anyway.  It didn't seem like
  "home."  However, life on my planet is boring.  I hadn't gotten to used
  to occasional human companionship, a little noise once in a while, a
  little excitement from time to time.  I was able to lead a very solitary,
  educational life, but it just wasn't any fun.
McDonagh:  So that's when you came back?
Avenger:  Right.  It was another apparent 100 year trip back, and then
  they helped me falsify some records so that I could enter Star Fleet
  Academy.  I went into the Sciences Division because it appealed to me,
  and I quickly rose to the command of the _Pike_.  It didn't take much
  longer to make Admiral and really have some control over Star Fleet's
  new directions.
Iluvanna:  I don't like the sounds of this...  What do you mean "new
  directions"?
Avenger:  I was afraid of things...things at home.  I kind of pushed to
  explore the Magellanic Clouds just a little sooner than we probably
  should have...but I was right.

The pile of paper in front of Kendragon is now about three feet high.
Jez suddenly leaps into the middle of the pile, sending paper everywhere.

Avenger:  BOB scared me.  He scared them too.  They didn't know how one
  of their experiments could backfire by so much, but they continued
  experimenting.  After viewing the early horror of the Eugenics Wars,
  and having seen just what BOB was capable of, I *tried* to stop them.
  They wouldn't listen.  I was bored with the planet, yes, but I was also
  tired of fighting them over their deadly experiments.
Kabeta:  So what does this have to do with us?
Avenger:  I was as surprised as you were when we first encountered the
  Lucky Charms and for a while I didn't make the connection.  But after
  touching the surface of Crossfire's mind one day after the Invasion,
  after he had been in intimate contact with a Lucky Charm spacecraft,
  I realized just what they were.
Scribonia:  Well, what are they?
Ender:  Isn't it obvious?  They're the latest experiment.
Avenger:  Exactly.  They're BOB to the x power, with x quickly heading
  toward infinity.  They're evolving constantly and quickly and if it
  hadn't been for humanity they'd have destroyed the Universe a year ago.
yaz:  Umm...so what now?
Avenger:  The Lucky Charms have returned to take control of my planet.
  That's where we are now -- some 8 billion light-years from the Earth.
  We...Crossfire, really...hurt the Lucky Charms *bad* last year.  They're
  pi**ed and they feel the only way to get ahead now is to steal our knowledge
  and use it against the rest of the Universe.
Iluvanna:  That doesn't sound very nice...
Avenger:  No.  That's why we're here.  We can't let them succeed.
Kabeta:  So you want us to help save your people?
Avenger:  No.  I want you to help them die.
Everyone:  What?   {Jez:  Mrow? [What?]}
			* * * * *
Kabeta and the rest come running out of the conference room to the bridge
as Pandora wails again.

Pandora:      I think we're in trouble...
Kabeta (dropping into her chair):  Tactical, status report, please.
Thokk:  Purple horseshoe closing fast.
Jez (hopping onto the tactical station):  Mrow meow?  [Need help?]
Avenger:  O'Forever, prepare a 180 degree short-burst warp turn.  Thokk,
  load PPR and stand by to fire.
McDonagh:  That's going to play havoc with the ship's hull.
Kabeta:  I don't think we have a choice.  How close are they?
maya:  30,000 km and closing fast.
Kabeta:  O'Forever, engage at 10,000, please.
O'Forever:  Okay.
maya:  10,000 km.

O'Forever flips a switch, then turns toward the captain and kneels.

O'Forever:  Will you marry me?
Kabeta:  Stop that!  (turning away)  Thokk, fire!

O'Forever returns to his station with feigned sulking.  The ship whirls
and releases a Plasma Penetrating Round, which rushes toward the oncoming
Lucky Charm vessel.  The purple horseshoe fades temporarily and resolidifies
once the PPR has passed harmlessly through.  Avenger slams his head against
the tactical console four times with great force.

Kabeta:  Oh, lovely.  They've evolved again.
			* * * * *
The Lucky Charm Commander, dressed in a tiny leprechaun outfit several sizes
too small, rips off the back half of an Arcturian beetle cow and pops it into
his mouth while the front half screams in pain.  He then releases a snorty,
heaving laugh which is extremely annoying to the human ear.

Commander:  Hail the Federation ship.

A contorted 4.22x10^59-dimensional image of Captain Kabeta and her bridge
crew appears on the Lucky Charm viewscreen.

Commander:  How many photons per second enter your eye from the Moon?
Kabeta (ss):  I don't know.
Commander:  None.  Lucky Charms are impervious to photons!!!  (annoying laugh)
McDonagh (ss, clutching his ears):  What do you want, you disgusting excuse
  for an Irish termite?
Commander:  Oh, just stay out of my way and we'll be done in no time.
  You can rest assured you'll only be the second course.

He pops the rest of the cow in his mouth and crunches down.

Commander:  Mmmm. Mmmm.	Good.
			* * * * *
Iluvanna:  Admiral, what did you mean when you said you wanted to help
  your race die?
Avenger:  My race is terribly honor-bound.  They plan to let the Lucky
  Charms kill them as punishment for their creating the Lucky Charms in
  the first place.  They don't want anything *worse* than Lucky Charms
  to happen because of them.  The only thing is, we need to destroy all signs
  of our technology and knowledge so the Charms can't get their grubby
  mandibles on it.
Zenador:  Shouldn't your race be able to protect themselves from the Lucky
  Charms?

The pile of paper in front of Kendragon is now about three feet high.
Jez makes a flying leap into the middle of the pile, dispersing paper
all over the room, including all over the assembled officers.

Avenger:  Zenador, the *Kunz Continuum* was nearly overrun by Lucky Charms
  during the Invasion last year.  If they get hold of any of this, they'll
  have control of the Universe.  Do you want to risk that?
Zenador:  No, I guess not.
Iluvanna:  So what do we do?
Avenger:  As best as I can tell, they're going to store as much of the
  knowledge as quickly as possible into two receptacles.  We need to hold
  the Lucky Charms off for another twenty minutes, then turn tail and run
  like hell.
Zenador:  How can we hold off the Lucky Charms if the PPR's don't affect
  them any more?
Avenger:  One thing my race has always been impressed by is human ingenuity.
  Unfortunately, but fortunately in this case, it so often used for violence.
Kabeta:  Well, then what?
Avenger:  There's a wormhole near here that links up to the Tarantula.  By
  launching Crouton torpedoes into the wormhole as we exit into the LMC,
  we should be able to close it up permanently and delay the Lucky Charms
  significantly.
Kendragon (nervously looking for more paper):  There's a catch, isn't there?
Avenger:  Those torpedoes have to be launched within a millisecond window
  or we either don't close the hole...or we don't get home.
Iluvanna:  And that's why you brought Jez the Wonder Kitty along?
yaz:  Of course!  Feline reflexes are much faster than human ones...
Kabeta:  ...and Jez's training is in security.  (stands up)  Let's hope
  this works.
			* * * * *
Avenger has returned to the conference room and looks out over the planet.

Yel:  All right.  We've gotta get outta here now.
Avenger:  You have everything?  *Absolutely* everything?
Yel:  You worry too much!  Of course I got everything!
Avenger:  What about the DNA replication inverse phase inducer?
Yel:  I thought *you* were getting that!  Just a minute.

Yel fades out and back in again.

Yel:  That's definitely everything.
Avenger:  I sure hope so.  (heading toward the door)  I'll talk to you
  again in a few minutes.
Yel:  Just yell if you need me.
			* * * * *
Kabeta:  The Lucky Charms are moving in toward the planet.
Avenger:  Get ready to rumble.

Kabeta raises an eyebrow at this comment and then shakes her head.

Kabeta:  O'Forever, course plotted?
O'Forever:  Obviously.
Scribonia:  Thokk, torpedoes loaded?
Thokk:  Yes.  (pause)  I'm hungry.
Avenger:  Jez, are you ready?
Jez (sighing):  Mrow meow mrow meowr mrowp.  [As ready as I'll ever be.]
yaz:  Trouble, Captain.

The purple horseshoe turns away from the planet and back toward the
_Heisenberg_.

Aoki:  Lucky Charms are attempting to use a computer virus on us.
Furd:  Implement virus shields.
Kleber:  Now they're hailing us.
Kabeta:  On screen, please.
Commander:  All right, where did you hide it?
Kabeta (feigned innocence):  Hide what?
Commander (eyeing Avenger):  You.  The tall ugly one in the back.
Thokk:  Hey!!!
Avenger:  They didn't hide me.
Commander:  Now that's not what I meant!  Where did you put it?
Kabeta:  Put *what*?
Commander:  You know perfectly well what!  The information!  The PEOPLE!
Kabeta (smiling):  Heh.  "Oops.  I've deleted it again!"  GO O'Forever!

The young con officer throws the ship into full acceleration.  The forward
momentum is too much for the compensators and Admiral Avenger goes
headfirst over the security railing, landing on his back on the floor
in front of the command chairs.

Avenger:  You know, Kabeta, the janitorial staff hasn't been vacuuming
  very well under the command chair.  There are little pieces of paper
  everywhere.

Lt. JG Kendragon meekly sneaks off the bridge.

maya:  Twelve seconds to wormhole boundary.
McDonagh:  Why is it taking longer to go through the wormhole on the return
  trip than it did on the way in?
Zenador:  Dramatic effect, obviously.
O'Forever:  Hey, that's my line!
Kabeta:  Jez, get ready to fire.
Jez:  Mrow meowr mrowp!!!  [I'm ready!!  GEEZ!!]
yaz:  The Lucky Charm ship is in here following us.
Avenger (still on the floor, sounding like Ricardo Montalban):  So much the
  better...
maya:  Nearing boundary...
Jez:  MEOWR!!  [Firing!!]
			* * * * *
Kabeta:  What happened?  Where are we?
O'Forever (checking instruments):  Well, we're back in the LMC, near
  the Tarantula Nebula.
yaz:  The wormhole looks sealed shut.
Furd (looking around):  Where's Admiral Avenger?  (pause)  Hey, I finally
  got a line in this episode!
McDonagh (tapping panel):  Torvald to Sickbay.  Ruth, is the Admiral
  there?
Hertzman (ic):  Yes, and I *thought* I had the door locked too!  (aside, to
  the Admiral)  Will you get *out* of the ICU?
			* * * * *
"Captain's Log, Stardate 102028.5:
     We have returned to Starbase LMC1 to leave off the Admiral and pick
up supplies.  The _Croutonprize_ will arrive in a few hours to pick up
Jez the Wonder Kitty and then we'll be on our way."

Avenger:  Thank you for your help.  *All* of you.
Kabeta:  That's what we're here for.  (pause)  But next time, will you
  please tell us sooner what you're up to?  All this mystery is bothersome.
Avenger (smiling):  Now, where would I be without my mystique?
Jez (mumbling):  Mrew mew prrp mew hiss mrow mrow.  [At 250 years old,
  how much mystique can you have?]
Avenger (in perfect feline):  Mew mewp meowr mrow mew mrow.  [A lot more
  than you might expect.]

Jez looks up at the Admiral curiously.  The Admiral leans down and picks
up Jez, scratching Jez behind the ears once he is comfortable.

Iluvanna:  So what is going to happen to you now that your secret is out?
Avenger:  I'll discuss the situation with Jean-Luc, get my records cleared
  up, etc.  I've given 30 years of my life to Star Fleet now and I doubt
  they're going to get too miffed by all this considering my service
  record. (nausea look) At least, I *hope* they don't get miffed.
Iluvanna (shaking hands):  Well, good luck, Admiral.  I'll do what I can
  from my end.
Kabeta:  And you have my support, if you need it.
Avenger:  I hope I don't -- no offense.  C'mon, Jez, we must be going.
			* * * * *
Avenger strolls into the command offices of Starbase LMC.

Avenger:  Ensign Fresh, call Admiral T'Lilith up here please.

Avenger walks up to Bradford's office.  His doors open politely.

Avenger:  Hi, Mark.  Go ahead and approve Lt. Hoke's request for transfer
  to the _Melbourne_.
Bradford:  Okay.  How are you feeling?
Avenger (smiles):  Fine.  I'm feeling really good.

Avenger walks into his own office and sits down in the old command
chair he salvaged from the _Pike_ saucer section.  He looks out the
window to where the stardrive section of the _Pike_ rests, a few thousand
meters off the bow of the station, a monument to the past...and the future.

Yel (from behind Admiral Avenger's left shoulder):  Remember...just yell
  if you need me.
Avenger (turning and smiling):  Thanks.  It's appreciated.  (pause)
  Good luck.
Yel:  Don't worry about me.  I'll find someplace nice to "hang around."
Avenger:  I'm sure you will.
Yel:  Hey -- it's just you and me, kid.  Live it up a little.

Yel fades away with a smile on his face just before the door chimes.
Avenger returns his gaze out the window.

Avenger:  Come in.

T'Lilith enters, sees him sitting in the darkness (as usual) and crosses
the room.  She sits down across his lap in the big command chair.

T'Lilith:  Welcome home.
Avenger:  Let's make that a certainty, okay?

He looks into her eyes knowingly.  After a moment, she acknowledges his
look with one of her own.  He runs a finger gently down her bony forehead
as she begins to smile.

T'Lilith:  You are ready?
Avenger (turning to camera):  Next episode.  (winks at the audience)

They embrace and kiss as the camera slowly pans away from them, out the
window, past the _Pike_ and into deep space.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
On the Admiral's next episode of

		Staaaaar Trek: The Crouton Generation

			"Strange Attractors"

The wedding day finally arrives, but it is not as peaceful as the participants
would like.  When push comes to shove, will Star Fleet's finest brawl with
one another over simple love and lust or will they be forced to turn their
personal aggressions to a greater threat?  Find out, on my next exciting
episode of _Star Trek: The Crouton Generation_!