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STAR TREK: THE CROUTON GENERATION
SEASON THREE
Episodes #21-23
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Date: Sun, 24 Feb 91 01:41:52 -0700
From: zecca@tramp (Admiral Avenger)
Subject: 500th episode!! (** LONG **)
Well, here it is -- the 500th episode of Star Trek: The Crouton Generation.
(Is it a coincidence that I'm posting number 500? Not really. I saw the
opening last night and decided tonight to just finish this on that I've
been working on for a few days.) It's hard to believe we've published
THIS MUCH Croutonia already.
-- The Admiral
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NOTE: Lilith and I have *not* gotten married yet, nor will be for at
least another year. But as a sign of the bond between us, we decided it
was about time for our Crouton Generation analogues to do so.
-- The Admiral
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We start with a long shot of the _USS Jenice Mannheim_ travelling through
the void. It sweeps past the camera and begins to move toward the outer
edge of the Large Magellanic Cloud. We hear Patrick Stewart's voice...
"Admiral's Log, Stardate 102053.4:
I am making my first trip outside the Milky Way in order to perform
a service I rarely get to do, but enjoy immensely. Tomorrow, I will be
marrying Admiral Avenger to Admiral T'Lilith on board the remains of the
_Christopher Pike_. It is unfortunate that regulations require the first
part of my mission to be unpleasant."
Picard: Computer, how long until we reach Starbase LMC1?
Computer: Two hours, seventeen minutes, present speed.
The bridge doors open and three men enter. The first is a tall, balding
man in a red Star Fleet uniform. The second, a short alien-in-a-latex-mask
wearing the 24th Century equivalent of a sport jacket and power tie. The
third is all Klingon...
Stubing: Admiral, are you ready for the proceedings?
Picard: Yes. (pause) I am *not* looking forward to them.
G'Ohfayre: Nevertheless, this situation must be resolved.
BriHer: Especially when the figure in question is the center of so much
attention in this region.
Picard: I don't agree with spoiling his wedding day over this. He's been
completely open and honest with us.
G'Ohfayre: Not for very long he hasn't. What about the preceeding 450
years? How do we explain *that* to the Federation Council?
Picard: All right. I agreed to these circumstances so we could get it
over with. I am simply disappointed with the timing.
* * * * *
Admiral Avenger enters the rec deck on the stardrive section of his old
ship, the _Galaxy_-class _USS Christopher Pike_, which now serves as a
floating museum and tribute to Star Fleet's greatest heroes. He takes
a wide look around the room, looking at the decorations and watching
officers adding more. He sneaks up on T'Lilith from behind and puts his
arms around her waist as he leans forward to kiss her pointed ear. She
responds with a reflex action and knocks him to the floor.
T'Lilith: I...I am sorry. I did not know it was you.
Avenger (getting up, rubbing the side of his head): The link isn't working
today? (pause) Too much on your mind, huh?
T'Lilith: Something like that.
Avenger (looking around room): It looks good. Everything's in place?
T'Lilith: Pretty much. When is Admiral Picard due?
Avenger: Very soon. (pause, then a sigh) Between all the various traditions
and my duties, I don't think we'll get a chance to see one another until
tomorrow, when it's time...
T'Lilith: You will be in my thoughts the entire time.
Avenger: I know. (kisses her bumpy forehead, then hugs her tightly) Good
luck with everything.
* * * * *
Avenger enters the _Pike_'s Croutonizer room. The lights almost immediately
dim, causing Avenger to look up. Expecting to see Missy, he reacts with
surprise at the figure standing on the Croutonizer.
BOB: What's wrong, Avenger? Thought you were safe now, didn't you?
(pause) Where's Yel, Avenger? HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!
BOB's laugh continues as he fades away and the lights return.
* * * * *
"Strange Attractors"
Written by Admiral Avenger
Guest stars
Frank Silva as BOB
Bernie Kopell as Dr. BriHer
Fred Grandy as Senator G'Ohfayre
Gavin MacLeod as Captain Stubing
Wil Smith as Ensign Fresh
Boris Becker as Commander Becker
Special guest stars
Patrick Stewart as Admiral Jean-Luc Picard
Brent Spiner as Vice Admiral Data
Directed by Diane Keaton
Music by Alan Menken and Jack Jones
* * * * *
Admiral Picard and his entourage walk through the docking ring into
Starbase LMC1. Ensign Fresh awaits them.
Picard: Ensign...?
Fresh: What?
Picard (gruffly): Permission to come aboard?
Fresh: Oh, sure. C'mon in. Make yourself comfy, Admiral.
G'Ohfayre: Would you please show us to our quarters?
Fresh: I've got to come down here and do this protocol thing and then
I've gotta play bellhop? Geez. I gotta talk to my recruiter about the
load of bull he's--
Picard: That's quite enough, Ensign! Please show these three to their
quarters. I will find Admiral Avenger on my own. (Storms off)
Fresh: Uh, Admiral! You're going the wrong-- Oh never mind.
* * * * *
Picard pauses and leans against the wall, catching his breath. He takes
another quick look around.
Picard: I'm not as young as I used to be. I wonder if-- No, that should
be the door right there.
Picard walks across the hall to the door and enters. A male exotic dancer
wearing a miniaturized Star Fleet uniform (about the size of a bikini
actually) parades in front of a large group of..er..tipsy (yeah, that's it!)
women. He watches as some of the women fling credits or confetti or streamers
toward the dancer, while others (namely Lily St. Cyr, the Shapely Con Officer
from the _USS Melbourne_) are stuffing the same things inside the man's briefs.
half japanese: Ooo! Another one! TAKE IT OFF, BABY!!!
Picard: Oh my lord. (ducks out of the room as quickly as he came in)
In the hallway, Picard's face turns a dark shade of red as Admiral T'Lilith
dashes out of the room after him.
T'Lilith: Jean-Luc, I'm *really* sorry about that.
Picard: What on Earth is going on in there?
T'Lilith: The other women officers are throwing me a "bachelorette's party."
Picard: Ahem..well..er... Where can I find Admiral Avenger?
T'Lilith: I imagine he's waiting for you in his office. Take that turbolift
over there, go to level 15, go straight out of the elevator about 50 meters,
take a left and follow the corridor until you reach his office.
Picard: Thank you, Admiral.
T'Lilith: Really, I *do* apologize for that--
Picard (blush fading): It's quite all right. I remember the party we threw
for Jack Crusher. (grinning) Enjoy your last night as a "bachelorette."
* * * * *
Picard: I'm sorry, my friend. I wasn't able to convince them of your
honesty, your value to Starfleet, your...
Avenger looks up.
Avenger: It's all right, Jean-Luc. You did all you could. I was rather
afraid it would come to this.
Picard: Is something else on your mind? (pause) The wedding?
Avenger: Well, the wedding is certainly on my mind, but that's not all.
I had a very disturbing experience just a few minute ago.
Picard: Would you care to elaborate?
Avenger: I think I'll save it for our interrogation session.
* * * * *
In the Starbase's equivalent of Ten Forward, an argument appears to be
erupting.
Muirden: I tell you that *you* deserve the title of "Captain Flirt."
Euge: No, *you* do. I may be a championship flirter, but...
Muirden: No, you--!
Euge: No, you--!
Becker: Gentlemen, bitte! Vhy don't you settle your dispute with a
friendly competition of some sort?
Muirden/Euge: That's not half bad an idea.
Fields: What do you suggest?
Becker: Tennis?
Crossfire (obviously annoyed, firmly): Strategema.
Muirden: All right.
Euge: Sure.
The bartending crew pull out the Strategema board and set it up. Highlander
and Bill Carter start a betting pool.
Muirden (wiggling his fingers): Ready?
Euge (sneering across the board): Are *you*?
Crossfire: Begin.
* * * * *
Avenger sits in a corner of the Operations Ready Room, with the three
investigators and Picard somewhat surround him.
BriHer: Why did you falsify the records?
Avenger: I *didn't* falsify the records. My people did. Had you known
I was from a far advanced civilization that had been studying the Earth
for 10,000 years, would you have let me into Star Fleet?
Stubing: Probably not.
G'Ohfayre: What about these Lucky Charms? Why didn't you ever tell Star
Fleet about the potential threat from--?
Avenger: For one thing, I did not *know* the Lucky Charms existed. I was
simply afraid of something like them being created. I had no idea my
people would go *this* far. Besides, if I had tried to warn Star Fleet
of a potential threat, they'd want to know details. They'd want to know
where they'd be coming from, what they'd be like, and how I knew about it.
Again, it would have violated my planet's secrecy.
Stubing: Admiral Avenger, you have served Star Fleet well all these years,
but how are we to know that you haven't lied to us on other occasions?
How do we know you haven't covered up other events, like what really
transpired with the Borg when you lost the _Pike_.
Avenger: I have told the truth in all areas except the few I have outlined
to you the past few weeks. I *never* lied about what happened to my ship.
Picard: No one suggested that you did, Admiral. It was merely a hypo-
thetical question.
Avenger: I understand. (pause) Look, I've told you everything...everything
that is, save one.
BriHer: Gaah! See, he covers up more details! We can not trust him!
Stubing: No, let's hear it before we make judgments.
G'Ohfayre: Let us hear it and then make our decisions.
Avenger: This afternoon, as I was about to disembark the _Pike_, I had an...
encounter.
Picard (sitting up): With what?
Avenger: I have previously discussed "BOB," the other genetic construct
that was living on 20th Century Earth and that was a precursor to the
Lucky Charm menace. (pause) He is back. And he *knows*.
Stubing: Knows what?
Avenger: He knows about the final cover-up. There are two "good" members
of my race still living today. We hold the knowledge and experience of
our race, though I hold only a small part of it.
BriHer: And who is this other member?
Avenger: An "uncle" of sorts. Yel is out there somewhere and BOB knows it.
If BOB should make contact with the Lucky Charms, if there are any in the
vicinity, instead of trapped on the other end of the Universe, then we
could be in deeeep trouble.
G'Ohfayre: Thank you for sharing that with us, Admiral. That will be all.
We will make you aware of our decision at 0600. Good *night*, Admiral.
Avenger takes the hint and leaves the Operations Ready Room.
* * * * *
Back in the Starbase Lounge:
Highlander: Holy F***ing SH**!!!
Daemon: Has anyone ever played Strategema this long before?
Fox: The old record has stood for over 50 years. Vice Admiral Data and
Sirna Kolrami of Zakdorn played for a stalemate -- but we passed that point
about 500 levels ago.
Euge: My fingers are getting *really* tired.
Richard: Mine too...
At about this point, some of the women from the bacholerette party (which
has now broken up) enter Ten Forward. Several of them (including Lt. Hoke)
walk by the Strategema table. Captain Muirden and Euge both turn their
heads to follow the women, losing track of the board. Crossfire steps
in and immediately removes the playing "gloves" from each of their hands.
Crossfire: All right. Game over.
Euge (extending his hand): Truce.
Muirden (shaking hand): Truce.
Muirden and Euge look at each other, smile, and then run across the room
after the women while Crossfire and the rest pick up the pieces.
Wizzar: I can't believe they did that.
Across the room, Captain Crouton, Fizzix Dude and Zortylwankoid sit
around a table. Captain Crouton is on his fourth root beer.
Fizzix Dude: You sure are guzzling those down. Are you sure you should be?
Crouton: Dr. Icefalcon has determined that I'm not allergic to the root
beer and gave me the OK signal. I just need to stay away from those
peanuts.
Zortyl (swallowing a handful of peanuts): Oh. Sorry.
Fizzix Dude: You know, I was wondering something... Have you noticed how
Zen the computer has a remarkably similar voice to Commander Crossfire's?
Zortyl: There's a simple explanation to that, I'm sure.
Crossfire (walking by): Yes. I recorded his voice as one of my lesser duties
as an Ensign. (grumbling) Nosy sons of b--
* * * * *
Avenger sits in his old command chair from the _Pike_. His office is dark,
the computer screen providing the only light for the room. He looks through
sleepy eyes at the screen.
"We have achieved oneness, fellow flamingoes..."
Avenger looks away from the screen for a moment, to his chronometer instead.
Avenger: 0513? Oh well, I suppose there's no point in going to bed now.
"Admiral's Personal Log, Stardate 102054.2:
My wedding day is here, yet I can not fight the terrible sense of dread
I feel. I don't believe I am experiencing cold feet -- at least not with
regards to T'Lilith. I am beginning to wonder if I made the right decision
30 years ago... Perhaps I have only brought the apocalypse on my friends...
and the woman I love... Maybe I was simply wrong in telling them my role
in the matter... Why does my race have to be so *honest* so much of the
time? (sigh) I love T'Lilith. I only hope our marriage isn't forever
rocked by external strife."
* * * * *
Admiral Avenger enters the Operations Ready Room at 0553 hours. He picks
up a writing stick and begins to play with it while waiting. A few minutes
later, the investigators and Picard finally show up.
Stubing: We have reached a mutual decision.
BriHer: Your service to Star Fleet and the Federation has been exemplary...
...so far.
G'Ohfayre: But your cover-ups and conpiracies can not be ignored either.
BriHer: We weighed the evidence and the options carefully and came up
with the following.
Stubing: 1) A permanent black mark will appear in your Star Fleet record.
G'Ohfayre: 2) Your Federation personnel records will be cleared up and
put in order. People will become aware of who you really are.
BriHer: 3) Lt. Iluvanna Lin-Elenuial will continue to report on your
activities, to make sure that they are meeting Star Fleet standards.
Stubing: 4) You will retain your position and rank in Star Fleet and will
receive no further punishment from the fleet...except this one:
G'Ohfayre: Effective immediately, you are on three weeks enforced shore
leave.
Avenger: On *what*?
Stubing: You have a wedding to attend to and a honeymoon trip to begin,
Admiral! (extending his hand) Good luck!
The three smile and shake hands with the Admiral, then leave. Picard
remains behind.
Picard: You got off easy. They're the three worst investigators an officer
could face. I was afraid you'd be returned to Earth for court-martial.
Avenger: On *what*?
Picard (smiling): Are you ready for the wedding, my friend?
Avenger: On *what*? (shakes his head, wakes up) Sure. Just help me get
to the _Pike_, will you? I'm not sure I can walk straight right now.
Picard: Have you been drinking?
Avenger tries to give Picard a hard stare, but doesn't succeed very well,
because he is mostly fighting to keep his eyes open.
Picard: Of course. You didn't sleep.
* * * * *
Picard helps Avenger up the stairs, but his meager frame can't quite handle
the large Admiral. Captain Crouton and Lt. Cdr. Crossfire rush forth and
finish the job of getting the Admiral upright onto the stage.
People file in the room. Admiral Avenger fidgets nervously, swaying back
and forth. Crouton and Crossfire do their best to keep him vertical.
Finally, everyone seems to be in the room. Picard signals for Lt. Gilliam
and Lt. Stoops to begin the "Wedding March."
The back doors of the rec room open and Vice Admiral Data walks Admiral
T'Lilith slowly up the aisle. T'Lilith is dressed in a gown that combines
her Star Fleet dress uniform, a Vulcan marriage robe, and Klingon marriage
armor all into one. She finally reaches the stage, and Vice Admiral Data
helps her up the stairs to her position next to Admiral Avenger.
Avenger and T'Lilith look into one another's eyes and touch minds briefly.
Avenger notices the bags beneath her eyes and she notices the bags under his.
They smile knowingly at one another, then turn to face Picard.
Picard smiles and addresses everyone. Very clearly. He really has a
powerful speaking voice. This is sans microphone, folks.
Picard: Friends, honored guests, we are gathered here today to witness the
joining of these two fine individuals, Admiral--
Highlander: What the F*** is that?
A long silvery ship, looking much like a streamlined tuning fork, has just
decloaked off the bow of the _Pike_. When Highlander turns back around,
he sees Bloocheez standing an arm's length behind Picard, an HVR disruptor
pointed at Picard's bald head.
Bloocheez: Let me introduce my new ship, the _C Sick_. (looks around, then
directly at Jez the Wonder Kitty) How purrrfect.
Jez begins to squirm in Soraya's lap.
Jez: HISSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bloocheez: A wedding? Perfect. (picks someone out in the crowd) My love!
My darling! They have a wedding ceremony all ready for us.
Kabeta glares at Bloocheez, then begins to fidget nervously.
Bloocheez: Come up here, my darling. (Kabeta does not.) COME UP HERE...
or I melt your precious Picard's braincase.
Kabeta reluctantly, and slowly, walks up to the stage where Commander
Bloocheez awaits.
Bloocheez: It's going to be a double wedding now, Picard, and ours is
first. Get on with it.
Picard: I will not be bullied or threatened--!
Bloocheez: Perform the wedding or I destroy this ship!
Kabeta looks at Picard with pleading eyes.
Picard: All right, damn you. (pause) Blah blah blah, do you, Commander
Bloocheez, take Captain Kabeta to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Bloocheez: Of course.
Bloocheez puckers his lips and makes kissy noises at her. Kabeta shivers
with disgust.
Picard: And do you, Kabeta, take Commander Bloocheez...to be...your...
lawfully wedded...(gulp)...husband?
Kabeta: I--
A Romulan Warbird decloaks next to the _C Sick_ and a Romulan appears behind
Bloocheez, disruptor leveled at Bloocheez's head.
Torbog: Of course she doesn't!
Bloocheez (turning): What?!? What do you have to do with this?
Torbog (taking Kabeta from Bloocheez's side and bringing her to his): She's
with me. (gives her a quick kiss on the lips)
Bloocheez: This is outrageous! Kathy, how could you have betrayed me like
this?!? Now I have no reason to let you all live!
Kabeta: DON'T...CALL...ME...KATHY!!!
Kabeta lunges at Bloocheez and knocks the disruptor from his hands as she
knocks him off the stage and onto the floor below.
Bloocheez (into his communicator): Immediate beam-up!
The _C Sick_ turns and begins to warp away as it cloaks itself.
Torbog (into his communicator): Number One, pursue the _C Sick_. You
can pick me up at the Starbase when you're through.
Picard: Thank you, Commander.
Torbog: It's Captain now, sir. Under the new Romulan agreement with
Star Fleet, my ship has been assigned to the Large Magellanic Cloud
and I have been given an honorary rank in Star Fleet to match my position
in the Romulan Defense Force.
Kabeta (smiling): Well, thank you, *Captain*. (pause) Now would you mind
explaining--?
Torbog: Simple. I wanted to distract Bloocheez, so I thought the "old
boyfriend" trick would work pretty well.
Kabeta: Thank you.
Torbog (winking and smiling): No, thank *you*.
T'Lilith: *Ahem*.
Kabeta: Oh, pardon us, T'Lilith. We didn't mean to interrupt...
Avenger: I think it's okay, all things considered.
Picard: Well, why don't we continue? (flipping through his notes) Now
where was I?
T'Lilith (toothy grin): Jean-Luc, why don't you just skip to the good
part?
Picard: All right. Do you, Admiral Avenger, promise to be a loving,
caring, compassionate husband, to forever cherish and respect her, to
become her lawfully wedded husband?
Avenger: Yes. Absolutely. Affirmative. Yup. I do.
Picard: A simple "I do" would have sufficed, my friend. (turning) Do you,
Admiral T'Lilith, promise to be careful of breaking too much furniture
during your love-making, to...
Zortyl (whispering to Crouton): Who wrote these vows?
Crouton: I imagine they did.
Picard: ...to make him go to bed when he's been up for eighty hours at
a stretch, to make sure he eats once a week, to forever cherish and put
up with him, to become his lawfully wedded wife?
T'Lilith: DaH vInay. [Today, I marry him.]
Picard: By the authority granted me by Star Fleet and the United Federation
Alliance, I authorize this marriage.
Jez bounds up onto the stage and Avenger removes the ring from Jez's collar.
He places it onto T'Lilith's finger. Kabeta hands her the ring, which she
places on Avenger's finger.
Picard pauses, then puts on a big grin and his best Dixon Hill impression:
Picard: Kiss her already.
Avenger and T'Lilith embrace for a long kiss as a cheer erupts from the
crowd.
* * * * *
A few hours later, Avenger and T'Lilith make their way to Croutonizer
Room 5 in the _Pike_, ready to transfer over to the _Rampage_ for their
honeymoon. Picard, Muirden, Hoke, Kabeta, Torbog, Crouton, Midzor, Taubman,
Jez and Chow join them in the Croutonizer Room.
Taubman (moving behind the Croutonizer console): If I may do the honors...
Picard: Enjoy your trip, my friends.
Chow: Don't do anything I wouldn't do. (wink wink)
And etc. with the usual farewell wishes. T'Lilith then picks up her bridal
bouquet (of thorny Klingon flowers, of course) and throws it into the air
per tradition. It is at this point that the lights go out.
Avenger: S***! (looks around for BOB)
Midzor: DAMMIT! (crawls under the Croutonizer console and flip a switch)
The lights come back on -- just in time for Kabeta to grab the bouquet out
of the air before it hits her in the face.
Kabeta: OUCH! (sucks at her finger, which she has pricked on a thorn)
Muirden and others look at Kabeta with silly grins.
Muirden: You *do* know the tradition, don't you?
Kabeta: Ohhh my.
Crouton: But who would she be getting married *to* anyway?
Hoke: Not Bloocheez, I hope.
Torbog (smiling in a slightly different way): I certainly hope *not*.
Kabeta looks at Torbog curiously, then looks to the Admirals for help.
Avenger: See you in three weeks.
T'Lilith: Mr. Taubman, Croutonize.
Taubman waves his hand across the console and they disappear.
* * * * *
We get a close-up of the _Rampage_, which has had several empty cargo
barrels tied to its back end and has been repainted (courtesy certain
members of the _Heisenberg_ crew) with the inscription _USS Just Married_.
As we pan out, the _Rampage_ turns away from the _Pike_ and finally
jumps into warp in the distance...
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Additional guest stars
Ed Begley, Jr. as Commander Bloocheez
Michael Ironside as Commander Torbog
Special thanks to the readers of Alt.Tv.Twin-Peaks and Euge Yee
-----------------
Date: Tue, 26 Feb 91 11:21:22 -0500
Subject: Heisenberg episode...... (**WEIRD**)
____________________________________________________________________________
Captain's Personal Log: (Stardate 102115.5) The large number of personal
crises on board is worrisome; in particular, my own encounter with the
Xavionite counselor leaves me somewhat distracted from my normal duties.
In addition, Lt. Lin-Elenuial continues to hole himself up in his room,
while we are preparing to take a slight detour at the authorized request
of the Speaker for the Dead -- for an uncertain reason. I don't need
any more surprises right now.
...
(record ends)
(Breaking in to the Captain's quarters at full tilt, Lt. Cdr. McDonagh
arrives breathlessly but not without his cup of tea, which he proceeds
to spill on Kabeta. Kabeta, surprisingly enough, is not even fazed.)
McD> Captain, Captain, come look at how silly it all is! It's wonderful!
KB> (Shaking her head.) Oh, I'm getting a headache. Ouch, ouch, ouch.
Post-Modern Art: An Interlude
Written by: Nathaniel Michelson
Received helplessly by: shectma2
Music by: Ludwig and Camper van Beethoven
Technical assistance by: Tom Donaghey
Guest appearance by the Supremes as the Witches
____________________________________________________________________________
Kabeta, following the rapidly bouncing McDonagh, steps into the ... corridor?
KB> (Keeping her voice level.) Uh, McDonagh ... where are the halls?
McD> SHHHHH! Just watch.
KB> *MR.* McDonagh!! (Her voice rising just slightly.) I have stepped out
of *my* quarters into what is supposed to be the corridors of *my* ship.
I find myself apparently floating in the middle of a pale turquoise cup
of tea the size of a small nebula. I think, under the circumstances,
that I am remarkably calm. Now *WHAT* ... .
McD> Captain, please. You're being very logical. I find that silly. Here,
have some tea.
KB> (Looking slightly green, as glowing crimson comets stream *up* from the
surface of the tea, accepts the cup which McDonagh has first dipped into
the substance in which they are floating, then proffered her.) Uh ...
maybe you're right.
******
Polgara is in her room, practicing some minor spells which have gotten rusty.
Pol> Eye of newt??? Where did they get these recipes, anyway, the Dark Ages?
I need some regular modern spells with silicon-based ingredients, or
some nice, normal psionic readings.
Suddenly, the door opens, and the Speaker for the Dead saunters/stumbles in.
S4D> Excuse me if I'm interrupting?
Polgara, startled by his entrance, accidentally sets off a minor psionic
flash near his head. She gasps.
S4D> OOOHH!! That was *nice*!
Pol> (Reddens slightly.) Didn't anyone ever tell you not to sneak up on a
sorceress?
S4D> Uh ... sorry. But I think you'll *really* want to see this!
The Speaker darts out before Polgara can ask him anything. She follows,
the door sliding shut behind her. Her jaw drops open; the Speaker is nowhere
in sight, but Polgara has found herself on a rocky ridge facing what appears
to be an archaic Scottish castle on the opposite hillside. Suddenly, she
hears voices behind her.
She whirls, and finds herself facing three of the most *unusual*-looking hags
in history.
Witches> Welcome, welcome, sister dear,
Fear naught of the spirits here.
We shall hold you,
We shall keep you,
'Til th'appointed time draws near.
Welcome to the roots of power!
See the Goddess in her bower;
She shall reach you,
We shall teach you,
Sacred is this fateful hour.
Welcome, welcome, sister wise,
From a world of awesome size!
You must find him,
You must help him,
You must hear the anguished cries.
Welcome once and once again,
Welcome thrice to time-lost den.
Welcome, welcome, sister ours!
Welcome in these fateful hours!
(Polgara looks steadily at them for a moment, then slumps to the ground
with her face in her hands.)
Pol> Speaker, I'm going to get you for this!!!
******
Matt Ender is contemplating his navel when he hears a commotion outside,
which is then obscured by a babble of voices of a different quality, one
which is strangely familiar. He stares at his closed door for a few moments,
then rises and walks gracefully and with determination to it. He steps into
where the corridor should be. Instead, he finds himself at the center of a
hyper-dimensional vortex, with first the walls of the corridor, then the
surrounding rooms and officers, then the outer hull of the ship, and finally
the entire galactic region folding itself up in layers and falling into a
singularity near his foot. He calmly looks down into the vortex, then does
a swan dive and enters it directly. A brilliant, pencil-thin beam of ruby-
colored light slices through where his body had been as he disappears.
******
In the Ship's Lounge, Guendalina is chuckling loudly as she exchanges quips
with several of the folks seated there. Suddenly, the walls of the lounge
appear to turn themselves inside out, resulting in an Escher-like arrangement
of the bar with nobody facing quite the same direction. Beyond the now-open
walls, there appears to be an upward-sloping, silvery surface on all sides.
Suddenly, from a direction which nobody quite thought was up, a brilliant
pale gold liquid comes cascading down(?) toward the lounge lizards. Which,
in fact, they now are -- all their bodies now suddenly appearing as
gracefully-decorated, sensuous lizard shapes. The golden, foaming liquid
cascades beneath the bar and lifts the entire structure up so that it is
floating on the surface of a now-immense sea of ...
Guen> (Dipping her finger in and tasting) CHAMPAGNE!!!
It's the real thing, too, not that disgusting non-alcoholic substitute
Star Fleet insists on! Less filling, and it tastes *great*!!!
All of the lizards immediately jump up and down joyfully, and with great
rejoicing divest themselves of their few remaining clothes and dive into
the champagne, staying close to the island which is now a *very* wet bar.
******
The Speaker is floating down the hall on what appear to be immense soap
bubbles. Suddenly, his expression changes, becoming mischievous, and
the soap bubbles disappear and he is being carried on a litter covered with
rich burgundy tapestries by 100 Vulcans in hula skirts. Then he spots
Iluvanna leaning against a pink elephant, arms crossed, watching the Speaker.
S4D> Ho, Iluvanna, well met! What do you think of all this? (Gesturing
grandly around at the endless cherry orchards now surrounding them,
while never taking his eyes off Iluvanna.)
ILE> (Apparently ignoring the question.) Why, Speaker, you've learned to
control the environment very nicely. That shows far more psionic
ability latent in you than I would have guessed -- or sensed.
S4D> Yes, and I've been having a remarkable time. First I fenced the
great Montoya, then I paid a visit to my dear friend Demosthenes,
and since then I've been ... just hanging around.
(As he says this, marionette strings appear rising tautly upward from his
limbs into the deep orange sky. He does a little jig to the tune played
by the thirty-five five-inch-high bagpipe players who appear surrounding
Iluvanna. The Speaker laughs merrily and the strings disappear, but
the bagpipe players continue puffing, much to Iluvanna's annoyment.)
S4D> But tell me, Iluvanna, what have *you* been doing?
At this, the friendly if slightly forced smile on Iluvanna's face disappears.
The Speaker for the Dead approaches Iluvanna. In the background, there is a
brilliant flash and the standard white corridors return, though there is
one waist-high hippopotamus wandering around aimlessly with a tutu dangling
from its left hind leg.
ILE> (Distracted and slightly cold.) Speaker, please convey my apologies to
the others if there has been any difficulty owing to my little experiment.
Can you please tell them we apologize for the inconvenience? I'll be in
my quarters.
And he steps into his quarters, with the door sliding shut behind him.
S4D> (To himself.) He's got a bad habit with door-slamming.
******
The corridors appear to have returned largely to normal, though there are
more than a few ensigns running around madly trying to find their quarters
and clutching their clothes -- in their arms. As the last bare bottom
disappears into a doorway, the intercom sounds:
ic> This is ... ahem. THIS IS CAPTAIN KABETA! WILL ALL OFFICERS *PLEASE*
MEET IN THE CONFERENCE ROOM IMMEDIATELY!!!
******
In the conference room, there is a loud babble of voices, more than a few
sheepish grins, and an overwhelming smell of tea. McDonagh is laughing
uproariously. Capt. Kabeta is, uncharacteristically, unable to get control
of the meeting, but doesn't seem all that interested in any case. Random
snatches of conversation are heard by the Speaker for the Dead, who is
wandering around listening in:
McD> (To an appreciating crowd.) So I lent Iluvanna some tea, and he went and
read the whole book Uncle Terwilliger gave him. And then he came out with
a funny look on his face, and asked me if I could hook up the
holocorridors I'd made for my Remarkably Silly Degree (Kabeta groans and
sips some more tea) to the Silmarils. And I said, "Sure, that sounds
like the most ridiculous idea I've heard in the last fortnight," so I
did it. And next thing I know, I'm floating on a raft of crumpets,
and I turn around and the Captain's gone! But I've got biscuits, I've
got butter, I've got my tea, so who could ask for anything more?
Those surrounding him laugh and applaud.
McD> Where'd you go, anyway, Captain?
KB> I ... er ... well, I was sort of on (mumble, mumble, mumble).
Ender> What was that, sir?
KB> I was on *Xavion*, all right? (Crossly sips some more of McDonagh's
tea, to which she is becoming rapidly addicted.)
End> How interesting. I'm not entirely sure which dimension I was in.
Thokk> I ate red meat!! (Everyone looks blankly at him.) Well, *look*,
if anyone had helped fix my food machine, I might have gone somewhere
more interesting!
(Polgara is chatting quietly with Guendalina and Counselor Jiapa.)
Pol> Actually, I learned a lot of sorcery I didn't know. I'm beginning to
realize how much of my craft is rooted in tremendously ancient sciences.
Jia> Well, that makes some sense. After all, there was a lot that was lost
in the modernization process on Earth because of the prejudices of
contemporary scientists who didn't know what to look for.
Pol> I suppose that's true. In any case, I still don't know about the
prophecy, though. Who am I supposed to help, and why?
Gue> Maybe it refers to someone back home?
Pol> I'm at peace with everyone I can think of. There may have been some old
problems, but nothing that would demand that kind of interference.
Gue> Well, I think you're too uptight about it, Polgara. You should have been
in the champagne glass with us! The great part was when the water slide
appeared and it started raining popcorn!
The Speaker takes a seat at the back of the room and ponders some of the
conversations. Yaz-Pistachio and Maya come over and join him.
Y-P> Why so pensive, Speaker?
S4D> Well, I was just thinking about everyone's experiences. Everyone seems
to have gone somewhere important to them, either alone to a place that
helped them understand themselves better, or together to somewhere they
could enjoy each other's company without inhibitions.
Maya> Well, the Silmarils seem to be pretty powerful things. I know *I*
certainly had fun. (Grinning.)
S4D> Indeed. Funny, though, I wonder if Iluvanna was affected at all. He
didn't mention where he went.
******
Iluvanna is alone in his room, writing (by hand!) in a journal.
"The Captain will probably have my head for this, and rightly so. I had
no right to test the devices this early, and I have violated the spirit
if not the letter of my oath as a Star Fleet Intelligence Agent. I'm
not sure what made me do it, but unfortunately I can't really go to Jiapa
and try to find out.
"In any case, it is apparent that the psionic projection devices work beyond
my wildest imagination. I have informed Star Fleet Command and will wait
for a response. In the meantime, I'll have to see if I can put off the
Speaker's questioning. I can always pull Star Fleet regulations on him,
but I'd rather not alienate a Speaker for the Dead, especially not now ... .
"Oh, what a remarkable experience, though. She was so beautiful, then, so
innocent and joyful. Her death later was ... horrible. I am faced with
questions I dared not ask myself a year ago. And I suspect that there
are others aboard who have their own agendas. It remains to be seen what
hidden fissures will be cracked open by my experiment with Post-Modern Art."
____________________________________________________________________________
Hmmm. I'm not really sure what parts of my own subconscious I just tapped.
-- Lt. Iluvanna Lin-Elenuial
-----------------
Date: Tue, 26 Feb 91 11:50:20 -0500
From: bryant@husc9.harvard.edu (Katherine 'Kabeta' Bryant)
Subject: The return of the !!!SHORT!!! tcg episode!!!
Next time, on Staaaaaaaaaar Trek: The Crouton Generation:
"Masquerade"
Lt. Cdr. McDonagh's holocorridors get out of hand, leading to some startling
changes in the appearance of various crew members. Will the Heisenberg be
able to figure out who's who? Or will they remain in very strange forms -
Kabeta as a firebird, Guillaume de Fontaine a character from _The Tempest_,
Thokk a black and white bird, yaz-pistachio a 16th-century Spanish sailor,
and maya a 1920's torch singer and assassin? Worst of all, will Zenador
be forced to remain a chess piece forever? as the Quarkz fight to survive...
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