Date: Mon, 2 Mar 92 16:21:12 -0500
From: bryant@husc.harvard.edu
Subject: ST:TCG "Blind Luck"  (PRETTY LONG)

"Second Officer's Log, Stardate 103973.2.  We are currently docked at Starbase
 5603, where we are taking on new crew.  We're about to get two new medical
 ensigns, two for engineering, and a new security officer to replace Lt. 
 Mondegreen, who transferred to Starbase 6502."
 
[Scene:  The _Heisenberg_'s main Croutonizer room.  Lt. Commander Furd is
 standing, padd in hand, checking a list of names.  Lt. Lin-Elenuial is at
 the controls, and Dr. Hertzman, Lt. Cdr. McDonagh, and Lt. Thokk are standing
 about.]

Furd:  All right, Iluvanna, you can Croutonize the new ensigns over now.

[The Croutonizer activates and five shapes, accompanied by luggage, materialize
 on the pads.  They are five absolutely normal-looking ensigns:  one man and
 one woman in medical blue, a woman and an alien whose gender is not immediately
 identifiable in engineering yellow, and one man who, despite the fact that
 security forces wear yellow, is clearly a security redshirt.]

Furd:  Welcome aboard the Heisenberg!  I'm Lt. Commander Furd the Nurd, Second
       Officer.  Glad to have you all on board.  [glances down at padd]  Let's
       start with the medical folks.  Ensign Azuretop?

Azuretop (the woman):  Here, sir.

Furd:  Good, good.  And Ensign Aquadoublet?

Aquadoublet (the man, obviously):  Right here.

Furd:  This is Dr. Ruth Hertzman, our Chief Medical Officer.  You'll be working
       under her.

[Dr. Hertzman steps forward and shakes hands with her two new helpers.  They 
 walk out of the Croutonizer Room together.]

Furd:  Ensign Mustardrobe?

Mustardrobe (the woman in yellow):  Ready and reporting for duty, sir.

Furd:  And Ensign... Forgive me, Ensign, but I'm not at all sure how to 
       pronounce your name.

Alien Ensign:  Yzgebirk is close enough.

Furd:  Right ho.  Ensigns Mustardrobe and Yz-ge-birk [enunciated very care-
       fully], you'll be working with Lt. Commander McDonagh, our Silly Support
       Chief and Chief Engineer.

[The ensigns, somewhat surprised by this unusual title, follow McDonagh off
 to Engineering.]

Furd:  And you must be Ensign Joe Fodder.

Fodder:  That's right, sir.

Furd:  This is our Security Chief, Lt. Thokk the Dismemberer.

[Fodder looks up at the large security chief, somewhat taken aback.  Thokk 
 shakes Fodder's hand, and as Fodder picks up his luggage, they head out.  After
 they leave, Furd turns to Iluvanna.]

Furd:  Did you see that?  If I didn't know better, I'd think that Ensign Fodder
       was wearing a ten-year service pin.

Iluvanna:  Impossible.  No security redshirt has *ever* survived ten years on
           the job!

[Fade to black.]

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
                          Star Trek:  The Crouton Generation
                                  "Blind Luck"

Written by Katherine Bryant

Directed by Gary Hren

Introducing Tox Donahue as Ensign Joe Fodder

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Captain's Log, Stardate 103973.4.
     We are currently in orbit around the third planet of an as-yet unnamed
 star we have discovered here in the LMC.  Lt. Cdr. yaz-pistachio reports 
 ambiguous life-signs, and suggests that the odds of serious injury or death
 to an away team are about 4 in 7.  It's a bit risky, but our crew know how
 to defend themselves.  Lt. Cdr. Furd will be leading the away team, with 
 yaz and Thokk and a proper security complement."

[_Heisenberg_, Security Headquarters.  Thokk is reviewing the troops to decide
 who to take on this mission.]

Thokk:  As you know, this is a potentially hazardous mission.  [Every redshirt
        in the room rolls his/her/its eyes, having heard this speech way too
        many times before.]  I need three people to go with me.  [He scans the
        room, his unusual height giving him a distinct advantage.]  Hmm...
        Ensign Rubyshift, Ensign Doomtody, Ensign Hysstori, you're coming.  
        And you -- new man --  what was your name again?

Fodder:  Ensign Joe Fodder, sir.  [As he says his name, there is a slight ripple
         of whispering among some of the assembled redshirts.]

Thokk:  Fodder.  Right, you're coming too.  Dismissed.

[Cut to surface of your standard, vaguely dangerous-looking planet.  We see
 seven Croutonizer beams activate, and then Furd, yaz, Thokk, and the four
 security redshirts.] 

Furd:  yaz -- any life signs?

[yaz scans around with tricorder and all the other usual nifty science stuff.]

yaz:  Yes... I think.  It looks like a vegetation reading, but kind of animal
      too.

Doomtody:  Must be man-eating plants.  It always is.

Furd:  Now, now, Ensign.  That's rather pessimistic of you.  All right.  Let's
       split up and explore.  yaz, you take Rubyshift and Hysstori and go check
       out the forest over there [pointing].  Doomtody, you and I will go 
       check out the meadows over the hill.  And Thokk, you and Fodder go 
       take a look at the lake.  Rendevous in [checks chronometer] forty-five
       minutes.  And stay in touch!  We don't know what we're dealing with here.

[We follow Thokk and Fodder as they pick their way down a hillside to a rather
 innocuous-looking lake.  As they walk, Thokk spots the decorations on Fodder's
 uniform.]

Thokk [curiously]:  What's that pin you're wearing, Ensign?  [He points to
                    one of them.]

Fodder:  The Ultraviolet Heart, sir.  

Thokk:  The *Ultraviolet* Heart?  I've never met anyone who got that before.

[Fodder shrugs, looking faintly embarrassed.]

Fodder:  I've had a lot of narrow escapes in my time.  They can only give you
         so many Purple Hearts, I guess, so they gave me one for the same thing,
         only with much higher frequency.

[The pun is totally lost on Thokk, who has stopped at the shore of the lake.]

Thokk:  Looks pretty normal, if you ask me.  

Fodder:  Don't be so sure, sir.  They always look that way.

[Thokk is about to take offense at this ensign telling him what to think, but
 he remembers what Fodder said about having been in lots of scrapers, and 
 decides not to.  Instead, he pulls out a tricorder and begins scanning.  Just
 then, Thokk's communicator bleeps.]

yaz (ic, sounding frantic):  L'tenant!  C'mander!  Help!  We're under attack
                             by enormous man-eating plants!  I've lost Ruby-
                             shift, and Hysstori's not in good shape either!

Furd (ic):  Bloody hell!  [We hear a scream in the background.]  Auugh!  We've
            got them too!  They've got Doomtody!  Get back here, Thokk!

Thokk (hitting communicator):  On our way.  Come on, Ensign!

Fodder:  Just a sec.  Gotta tie my shoe.

[Fodder bends down to tie his shoe.  Just as he does so, a rather hideous-
 looking sentient seaweed emerges from the lake.  If he hadn't bent down, it
 would have had him in its jaws; as it is, it slams into a tree.  Thokk hears
 the sound, spins around, and phasers the beast.]

Thokk:  Fodder!  You all right?

Fodder (standing up):  Sure.  What was that?

Thokk (nonplussed by his seeming indifference):  Do you have *any idea* how
                                                 lucky you are?

Fodder (sighs):  I've been told that before.

[They run off to aid their fellow officers.]

[Cut to the forest.  Furd has come to yaz's aid.  We see the bodies of Ensigns
 Hysstori and Rubyshift on the ground.  Doomtody is nowhere to be seen.  Furd
 and yaz are fighting what appears to be an enormous Venus Flytrap.  Suddenly,
 Thokk charges out of nowhere, phaser blazing.  Fodder is not far behind him,
 at a full run.]

Furd:  Thank God you're here!  The damn thing won't die!

Thokk:  We'll see about that.  [He fires his phaser (at maximum vaporize,
        of course) at the plant, which, annoyed, turns toward him.  This is,
        while unpleasant for Thokk, rather nice for yaz, who's been taking
        the brunt of the attack.]

yaz:  Damn!  [He begins looking around for something other than a phaser to
      attack with.]

[Meanwhile, Fodder, still at a full run, is attempting to draw his phaser.  It
 gets tangled in some nearby underbrush, and he falls.  In doing so, he knocks
 yaz flat on his back, thereby narrowly avoiding having both of them eaten by
 the plant (who had overshot while attempting to devour Thokk).]

yaz:  Oof!  Ensign, if you please...

Fodder:  Sorry...[he pauses, then spots yaz's collar-pins]...Commander.

[yaz looks up as Fodder gets up, seeing the tree that the man-eating plant 
 munched when it missed them.]

yaz:  Yipe.  That was lucky.

[Fodder groans.  yaz looks at him curiously, then snaps back to realization of
 the battle.  Furd and Thokk are fighting hard, but the plant refuses to die.
 Ensign Hysstori's body is accidentally vaporized by phaser fire.]

yaz:  Any ideas, Ensign?

Fodder:  Well... if we could distract it long