==================================
Star Trek:  The Crouton Generation
Season 4, pack #13
----------------------

Date: Wed, 17 Jul 91 15:50:24 EDT
From: Knight of the Woeful Countenance 
Subject: "Hombre de La Mancha": TCG (long)

Palmer: First Officer's log, stardate 103025.0.  The Subaru is
     resuming its mission of exploration, following the recent
     encounter with the Lucky Borg.  We are currently in orbit around
     Sigma Chi V, a Class M planet in the Large Magellanic Cloud.

half japanese: Palmer!

Palmer: (groan) What is it, captain?

hj: Where are those reports I asked for on the Sigma Chi system?

Palmer: I gave them to you an hour ago.

hj: I didn't want them an hour ago, I wanted them now.  Give me fifty
     push-ups for not obeying an order.

Palmer: Groan.

hj: One more of those and it's seventy.

[Palmer almost whimpers but decides against it and drops to the deck.
He begins doing push-ups.  "How many push-ups have I done as her first
officer?" he wonders.  "I must have the best upper body strength in
Star Fleet."  Finally, he finishes, and gets up to give hj new copies
of the reports.]

hj: What are these?

Palmer: The reports you wanted, captain.

hj: You already gave me these, an hour and five minutes ago.
     Remember?

Palmer: But . . . but . . .

hj: Wasting manpower and time by doing work twice.  Give me fifty
     push-ups.

[With a groan, Palmer drops to the floor again.]

hj: I heard that.  Make it seventy!

------------------------------------------------------------
"Hombre de La Mancha"
 by Dave Learn

Starring
   half japanese
   Missy Midzor
   Jim Palmer
   Sancho Panza (the man)
   Dave Quixote

Directed by: Brent Spiner
Incidental Music by: Delcara and the Many
Casting by: Mad Bob the Avenger
Overacting by: William Shatner
Makeup by: Bjorn Borg

Edited by: Melinda K. Allen
           Katherine Bryant
           Mad Bob the Avenger
Executive Producer: Richard Arnold
Executive Producer Fired by: Ryan Mathews
New Executive Producer: Peter A. David
Peter A. David by: Mr and Mrs David
Dr Who Theme Song by:
     Terry Hands and the BBC Radiophone Workshop
Special Effects by: Mike Okuda

Based on the novel: _Don Quixote_
     by Don Miguel de Cervantes

-----------------------------------------------------------

[Commander Palmer leaves the bridge, his arms and hands aching
something fierce.  He walks down the corridor, trying not to mutter
anything invective about his commanding officer, but finding it very,
very tempting indeed.  At last he strolls into the crew lounge where
the new chief of security, Lieutenant (j.g.) Sancho Panza is lounging
during his off-hours talking with Missy.]

Palmer: As you were.

[Panza and Missy just keep on talking for a few moments before
realizing that Palmer is in the room.]

Missy: What was that, commander?

Palmer: Nothing. (pause) You know, Panza, I've been wondering
     something for a while.

Panza: What is it?

Palmer: Why is it that you and Dave Quixote's dog have exactly the
     same name?  Did you and Dave go to the academy together or
     something?

Panza: We grew up together and went to the Academy in Salamanca
     together.

Palmer: So I guess you've known each other for a few years, then.

Panza: You could say that.

Palmer: Would you help me build a bio on him?  We really don't know
     all that much about him.  All we know is that he has a wife back
     on Earth named Dulcinea.

Panza: His wife?  Oh, no, she's not his wife.

Palmer: (confused) The data Star Fleet gave us on him when he came on
     board said he was married to someone named Dulcinea.

Panza: Oh no, sir.  She's his lady, not his wife.  (pause)  That
     doesn't sound right. (pause again) He had a feeling that the
     scribes might get that messed up.

Palmer: (puzzled) Scribes?

Panza: At the academy.  They keep records of the cadets.

Palmer: Oh.  You mean the personnel workers.

Panza: I've learned that knights have their own language for
     everything, and if he says that personnel workers are scribes,
     I've found it best not to disagree with him.  As the proverb
     says, "Heavy hangs the head that wears the crown."

[There is a pause as Palmer and Missy try to figure out what that
proverb has to do with anything.]

Palmer: All right.  Well, how much can you tell me about him?

Panza: Almost anything, sir.

Palmer: Why don't you start with when he went mad.

Panza: Sir?

Palmer: When he became a knight, that is.

Missy: This should be interesting.

[Panza puts down his Cheetos and prepares to relate his story.  Palmer
meanwhile stretches out and puts his feet on the table, very much
enjoying being called "sir" and "commander," which is a pleasant change
from Quixote's referring to him as a servant boy or lackey and hj's
making him do push-ups.  He settles down for what he hopes will be an
entertaining story.  Missy also stretches out, but does not put her
feet on the table.]

hj: (ic) Palmer!

Palmer: Yes, captain?

hj: You're supposed to keep your feet off the table.  Give me sixty
     push-ups.

[Palmer drops to the carpeted floor and begins his push-ups.  "How
does she know what I'm doing the whole time?" he asks himself.  "Is
she a Betazoid and telepathic or something?"  Meanwhile on the bridge
. . .]

hj: Thank you, Heian.

Heian: To serve is a pleasure
       That I love to do,
       Particularly if it gets Palmer
       In trouble with you.

hj: There are times I wish I could make computers do push-ups, too.

Heian: Shall I continue monitoring Commander Palmer?

hj: By all means.  Let me know if he does anything wrong.

[Back in the lounge, Palmer finishes doing his push-ups.  He sits back
on the sofa and does not prop his feet on the table.]

Missy: Tell us about him.  What was he like?  Why did he become a
     knight?

Panza: Well, commander, about three years ago, when the two of us made
     it to our senior years at the academy in Madrid--

[Throughout Panza's past sentence, the picture has grown inreasingly blurred and
another scene superimposes itself on it, a la memory effect.]

Palmer: Hey?  What's going on?  Are we under attack?

Panza: Oh, don't mind it.  That always happens when I start to
     remember things.  It'll clear up in a little bit.

[The picture clears, and we now see Quixote and Panza wearing cadet
uniforms in a Star Fleet academy dorm room.  Voiceovers continue as
the two cadets move about the room.]

Panza: So like I was saying, when we were seniors at the academy, we
     decided to room together since we got along so well.  After we
     returned from our winter break, Dave began to read a lot of books
     of chivalry.

Missy: What?

Panza: Books of chivalry, commander.  Books about knights, like
     Mallory's Morte_D'Arthur.  He would read them every day when he
     had spare time, and would often stay up late at night reading
     them, sometimes until the day again.  He developed a great
     respect for Amadis de Gaul and other great knights of history,
     though he often confided in me that he wondered how on Earth
     these knights could have endured the terrible wounds they
     received in battle . . .

[The two memory characters now begin to speak.]

Quixote: . . . Amadis, for example, has been disembowled at least
     three times, Sancho.  It seems to me he must have had excellent
     surgeons with him at all times to attend his injuries.

Panza: Even so, he must have been rather scarred by those terrible
     wounds.  He must have been the most horrid looking man on the
     Earth.

Quixote: So I have often, thought, humble Sancho, but see, the poet
     describes how many ladies flocked to him in great numbers.
     Except of course the lady to whom his heart was pledged. (pause,
     sadly) Ah, such is always the way with women.

Panza: (nods, then speaks) Even so, why would a man like Amadis risk
     so much?  Why would he go out like that, seeking adventures and
     peril?

[Quixote's eyes burn with a fire.]

Quixote: There is great evil at work in the world, Sancho, and such
     sin must not go unanswered.  Every age needs an Amadis to
     challenge the wickedness which so often prevails.  Every age must
     have its knight-errants who will risk everything for gallant,
     heroic deeds of chivalry.  Think you, Sancho, that such evil men
     as Hitler or Kodos could have succeeded in their baseness had the
     knights of those ages taken a stand against them?

Panza: No, I suppose not.  As the proverb says, "All that is required
     for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing."

Quixote: Indeed, Sancho, it is so.  For once your proverbs make sense.

Panza: Oh, thank you.

[Pause.]

Panza: So what do you plan to do for spring break next week?

Quixote: Sancho, it is my intention to sally forth from this place and
     fight against the evil at work in our world.

Panza: Isn't that dangerous?

Quixote: Truly, it is.  But doing God's work is never easy.  I shall
     be the peerless Dave Quixote of La Mancha, the flower of knight-
     errantry, the defender of the poor and downtrodden, and hope of
     the oppressed.  I wish you to be my squire.

Panza: (shocked) Your squire?  Well . . . I'm honored, but I have to
     go home.  Teresa will kill me if I don't.

Quixote: Sancho, if you follow me, I will make you the governor of an
     island.

Panza: Can you do that?

Quixote: Of course.  Once I save a kingdom from some foul giant or
     monster that oppresses it, the King and Queen of that land will
     happily shower me with gifts and provinces to watch over.  I have
     no need for an island, and would happily bestow it upon my
     faithful squire.  As my squire, you would also be given rare and
     valuable gifts which you could send home to Teresa.  Why, it is
     customary for the squires of knights-errant to be covered with
     jewels and gold.

[Back to the present.]

Missy: He actually promised you all that?

Panza: Yes, and more, too.

Palmer: What did you do?

Panza: What do you think I did?  Anybody could see he had lost his
     mind.  I turned him down as politely as I could.

Palmer: How did he take it?

Panza: Horribly.  That's why I bought him a terrier pup, which he
     named after me.

Missy: What happened during his, uh, "sally forth?"

Panza: I'm not sure exactly what happened, but I know he was brought
     back by Star Fleet security, locked shut in a paddywagon and
     babbling something about being enchanted by a wizard.

Palmer: You're kidding.

Panza: No.  Star Fleet eventually got the charges dropped since he was
     out of his gourd.  Then Admiral Data and I went through his
     collection of books and threw out the chivalry books so he
     couldn't read them any more.  We convinced him that somebody named
     Freston the Enchanter spirited them away.

Palmer: And they still made him an ensign.

Missy: And now a lieutenant.

Panza: Well, commanders, he's not stupid.  He has a practical grasp of
     just about everything except chivalry.  Have you seen his work on
     the crouton tubes?  They function at 110% of the Star Fleet
     standard.

Missy: That much is true.  His work *is* excellent, but it's so
     aggravating to have him running around in full armor, calling
     Shenendo a dragon and things like that.

Palmer: Yeah, he gets under my skin, too at times.  The captain seems
     to like him, though.  drewid did, too.  (pause, thoughtfully)
     Has anyone tried to cure him?

Panza: Commander, the academy's best psychiatrists worked with him for
     ages.  Nothing.  He doesn't always seem insane.  Ask him for an
     opinion or advice and you'll very likely get something that makes
     complete sense.

Missy: Maybe if someone entered his fantasy, faced him on his terms
     . . .

Panza: It's possible.  No one ever tried that before.

hj: (ic) Palmer!

Palmer: (wearily) How many do I have to do now, captain?

hj: (ic) How many what?

Palmer: Push-ups.

hj: (ic) You don't have to do any.  What brought that on?

Palmer: You--I--never mind.  What can I do for you?

hj: (ic) Assemble an away team and report to the croutonizer room to
     beam down to Sigma Chi V for cultural observation.

Palmer: Will do.  Palmer out.  (pause) Let's see . . . me, Missy, and
     . . . Quixote.

Missy: He's going down to the planet with us?

Palmer: Sure, why not?  It's an agricultural world just passing
     through its feudal period.  The humanoids here are passing
     through their own age of chivalry.  He'll actually fit in on this
     planet.

[Soon, on the bridge.]

hj: You think it will help?

Missy: Well, captain, it can't hurt if it helps him face reality a
     little more, can it?  This isn't some golden age we live in, and
     he ought to realize that.

hj:   All right, Missy.  You have my permission, but be careful
     no one gets hurt.  And remember: the Prime Directive is in full
     effect.

Missy: You have my word.

[Later, on the planet.  Missy, Palmer, Quixote and Sancho (the dog)
are riding across a plain on equestrian lifeforms.  Actually, Sancho
is trotting along, his tongue hanging out the side of his mouth and
waggling across his face.]

Quixote: Truly, I must remember to thank the queen for granting me
     leave to be gone from her palace for a time.

Palmer: What's the matter, Dave?  Was the ship getting too cramped for
     you?

Quixote: Boy, I know not of what you speak.  'Struth, I have not been
     on a sailing vessel in ages.  It is simply that it is improper
     for a knight-errant to spend so many days in luxury within such a
     fine palace.  I will no doubt have to answer to God for
     squandering my time in such a manner.

Palmer: Uh . . . right.  Just don't pull any weird stuff.  We're not
     on shore leave and I don't want to end up violating the prime
     direc--

Quixote: Sancho, look!  Giants!

Palmer: --tive.

Sancho: Woof!  Woof!

Missy: Um, Dave, there are no giants here.  The tallest humanoid
     lifeform our sensors picked up was around six foot.

Quixote: Lady Missy, I fear you are greatly deceived.  I see a
     gathering of ten giants across yon field.  Look how they have
     taken prisoners, no doubt for food.

Palmer: (drily) No doubt.

Missy: Dave, there aren't any giants on Sigma Chi V!  (strains her
     eyes) All I can see is ten . . . windmills?

Palmer: I think that's what they are.

Quixote: No doubt that same Freston who hounds me from adventure to
     adventure seeking to rob me of my glory has deceived your eyes so
     that you see no giants but only windmills.  Very well.  I shall
     attack them, and then your eyes will be opened.

Palmer: No, Dave--wait!

[But it is too late.  Dave Quixote charges at the windmills, full
tilt, leaving Missy and Palmer behind.  As he approaches, he lowers
his visor and raises his lance to do mortal combat.  The farmers
grinding their meal at the windmills see this madman charging at them
and run for cover and scream.  Quixote perceives this and thinks that
they are running for cover from the giants and bears down on a
particularly large windmill in front of him.  A sudden gust of wind
sends the blades spinning so that when Dave attacks he is knocked from
his mount to the ground with a solid CLANG.]

Quixote: I have no fear of you, villain, though you were to come a      t me
     with as many arms as Briaerophus, or whatever his name was.

[The wind grows steadily stronger so that the blades buffet Dave to
the ground.  Not to be outdone, he crawls out of the way of the
descending blades and draws his reforged sword to attack the next
blade.  He grabs tight and begins to rise with it, hacking away
steadily at it without doing any damage.  Now the angle of the blade
becomes steeper and steeper until he is finally upside-down and barely
hanging on.]

Quixote: Oh dear.

[He falls to the ground with another resounding clang and does not
move, except to groan.  Palmer and Missy catch up and dismount.]

Palmer: Dave.  Dave.  Darnit, I should have known better than to bring
     you along.  Dave, are you OK?

Missy: I told you those were windmills, Dave.  Can't you show some
     sense?

Quixote: Now I see what has happened.  This is the work of my enemy
     Freston.  He saw that I was about to win, so he transformed my
     foes into windmills to rob me of my glory.

Palmer: Uh . . . right.  Can you stand?

Quixote: Of course I can. (tries to rise, falls down again) In a
     while.

[Sancho licks Quixote on the face.  Quixote gets up right away.]

Quixote: Sancho, that is an indignity.

Palmer: At least he doesn't slobber all the time like some squires.

Missy: And he'll never be taken down from a tree.

Quixote: Hear me all people, I, Dave Quixote of La Mancha, the Knight
     of the Woeful Countenance, have saved you this day from the evil
     intentions of these giants.

Farmer: Hey you idiot!  What's the idea of attacking our windmills?

Quixote: All I ask is that you show yourselves to the matchless
     Dulcinea del Toboso and tell her what her fearless champion has
     done for her this day.

Meal-grinder: What gives you the right to charge in here and try to
     wreck our livelihood?

Serf: Yeah!  We need these windmills to grind our meal, or our lord
     will have us killed.  What's the matter with you people?

Palmer: Uh-oh.  I don't like the mood of these people.

Missy: I agree.  It's getting ugly fast.

[A stone hurls through the air.]

Sancho: Yipe!

[A shower of stones begins.]

Palmer: Away team, retreat!  Full--ouch!--gallop out of here.

[As the group runs for cover from the recipients of Quixote's good
will.]

Missy: Way to go, sir knight.

Quixote: Milday?  Have I upset you?

[The group rides on in silence until they come to an inn.  It is now
getting to be dusk.]

Palmer: Should we stop here for the night?

Missy: Sounds good to me.  We are here to learn about the culture.  A
     place like this tends to be the hub of social activity.  I might
     be able to see what sort of industry this planet is developing.

[As they ride into the courtyard, Quixote raises his lance up into a
vertical position (the peaceful way to carry it).  However, the
entrance is too low and he is knocked from his horse as he enters in.
As the night sets in, Missy makes several observations about the
technology: fossil and wood ovens, mostly horse-drawn vehicles, though
there seems to be some printing press capability: a few people are
reading books.  In the meantime, Palmer interacts with the people to
find out what's going on and everything.  He also reserves the team
beds to stay in.  It gets late into the night, and they go to retire
(Palmer's ages-old wish, remember?).  Sancho goes to sleep with his
head nestled on Palmer's chest.

[Quixote has taken this all philosophically.  He has convinced himself
that he in a castle and that the princess of the castle has fallen in
love with him, as the legends of chivalry say is to be expected.  So
naturally, when one of the serving maids comes into their room to
fetch something, he becomes convinced that she is the princess in love
with him.  She walks straight over to his bed, because what she needs
is just behind his bed.  He grabs her arm and begins to talk.]

Quixote: Fair maiden, you must know that I can never return the
     affection you offer me, for my heart is forever captive to
     Dulcinea del Toboso, who is matchless in her beauty.

Maid: What?  Hey--let me go.

Quixote: In truth, maid, it is you who must let me go, for you must
     know that I can never be yours.

[Now another traveller is having trouble sleeping, and he looks over
and sees this transpiring between Quixote and the maid, and he assumes
that Quixote is trying to rape her.  Being a good sort of person, he
immediately rises to her defense and tries to drive Quixote away.]

Traveller: Hey!  Unhand her at once, you rogue.

[He sets on Quixote with a vengeance and begins to beat him soundly,
enabling the maid to get what she wants and return to the kitchen.  At
all this noise, Palmer wakes up and sees someone attacking a member of
his crew.  He immediately springs to Quixote's defense, and the three
of them end up in a fist brawl on the floor.  Sancho is startled out
of his sleep when Palmer gets up and now begins to howl as the racket
builds.  This in turn wakes up the innkeeper who reaches for an oil
lantern to go investigate the loud noises coming from the guest quarters
once he arms himself.]

Innkeeper: (indignantly) Why won't this stupid lantern turn on?  It's
     never failed me before.

Missy: (in the women's quarters, hearing the awful din and the
     innkeeper's protest)  I don't want to know.  I don't want to
     know.

[Back in the men's section, the fighting has grown fiercer.  One of
the men's water packs bursts open in the fighting, spilling warm water
on Palmer as he gets hit again.]

Palmer: Aigh--I've been wounded.  I'm bleeding bad!

Traveller: Fiend, to attack a maiden like that.

Quixote: Do you call me a fiend?  Villain!

Sancho: Awooooooooo!  Awooooooooooo!

Innkeeper: (bursting in with the still unlit lantern, but no weapon
     since he couldn't find it in the dark)  What is going on here?

[Palmer swings at the Traveller, who ducks, and decks the innkeeper
instead, right in the face.  Never having been hit by a professional
baseball pitcher turned starship commander, particularly one who does
hundreds of push-ups a day at hj's orders, the innkeeper falls
silently to the floor, allowing the three combatants to continue their
fight.  After ten minutes, Quixote decides he's had enough of this,
wishes he'd worn his armor to bed and crawls back onto his bunk and
goes to sleep.  Next morning.]

Quixote: This is most strange.  I had a restful sleep last night, and
     yet I feel as though I have not rested it all.  Indeed, I feel as
     though I have been beaten.

Palmer: Hrmngh.

Quixote: Boy, I tell you, I had the strangest dream last night.  I
     dreamed we were beset by a monster the size of the two of us.
     What suppose you that it means?

[Palmer looks at Quixote.  He has two black eyes and is missing some
hair that he wasn't missing before.]

Palmer: It means we're going back to the ship once we clear out of
     here, that's what it means.

[They leave the room and go into the courtyard.  Missy is nowhere to
be found.]

Quixote: Boy, where do you suppose Lady Missy is?

Palmer: I, uh, sent her out already.  Why don't you go wait for her
     outside?

Quixote: A good idea, boy.

[Quixote mounts his horse and leaves through the open gate without
dehorsing himself this time.]

Palmer: What am I going to do about that guy?  He's going to get me
     killed if I'm not careful.

Innkeeper: (broken nose) There he is!  Don't let him get away!

Palmer: Who?

[Four men grab Palmer and toss him into a blanket.]

Palmer: Oh no.  DAVE!  What have you done now?

[The four men pick the blanket up and begin tossing him up in the air
again and again.]

Palmer: W-w-whoa!  W-why are y-you doing th-this?

[Up.]

Innkeeper: I owe you for last night.

[Down]

Palmer: That wasn't my fault!

[Up]

Innkeeper: Uh-huh.

[Down]

Palmer: I'll pay you for damages, I swear I'll pay.

[Up]

Innkeeper: Oh, you'll pay all right.

[And down again.  Meanwhile, outside, Quixote and Sancho are looking
for Missy.  While they wait and look, Missy rides her horse around the
building, dressed in a suit of grey armor.]

Missy: Hail, Dave Quixote, Knight of the Woeful Countenance.

Quixote: Hail, Sir knight.  Who might you be?

Missy: I am the Knight of the Failing Lights, who holds your Lady
     Missy captive.  I mean to joust with you.

Quixote: Fiend!  Release her!

Missy: You must joust with me first.  If you are victorious, I will
     release her.  But if I unhorse you, you must swear to forever
     cease your activities as a knight.

Quixote: Very well.  O Lady Dulcinea, protect your champion and lend
     my arm strength to unseat this villain.

[The two knights stand off and begin to trot toward one another,
Quixote intending to rescue Missy, and Missy intending to free Quixote
from his madness by making him forswear knighthood.  As the two horses
draw close to one another, Palmer's shouts for help rise over the
sound of their hoofbeats and Missy sees him appear over the wall of
the courtyard before falling back down again.  She pauses uncertainly
and allows her lance to drop.  Dave barrels down on her and unseats
her with his lance, knocking her to the ground and knocking the wind
out of her.]

Missy: My chest . . . I think you broke my ribs.

Quixote: (dismounting) Now release the Lady Missy!

Missy: You must release me first.

[Quixote removes Missy's helmet.]

Quixote: Lady Missy.  What foul magic is this?

Palmer: (appearing briefly) Help!

Missy: If you kill me, the Lady Missy will die as well.

Quixote: Very well, Knight of the Failing Lights.  Leave.  But the
     Lady Missy must be released at once or I shall hunt you to the
     ends of the earth to avenge her.

[Missy staggers off around the corner to ditch her "borrowed" armor.]

Voice: Hey, Bob, have you seen my armor?  It's not where I left it.

Bob: Oh come on.  Armor doesn't just walk away, you know.

Palmer: (appearing briefly) Help!

[At last it is all over and the away team prepares to return to the
Subaru.]

Palmer: Missy, I'll make you a deal.  You don't mention the blanket,
     and I won't mention the "Knight of the Failing Lights."

Missy: Deal.

Palmer: Dave, *please* don't tell anyone about the blanket.

Quixote: If you wish, boy.  As I explained, I would have come to your
     defense but for my rescuing the Lady Missy.

Palmer: Understood.  I don't think I'll ever be able to sleep in a
     blanket again, though.

Kessner: (ic) We're locked onto your coordinates, sir.

Palmer: Energize.

[Fade to black, end credits.]