==================================
Star Trek:  The Crouton Generation
Season 4, pack #14
==================================

Date: Wed, 14 Aug 91 14:43:38 edt
From: "someone now holds the key (Russell, Kerri)" 
To: JUNK@TYPHOON.UCAR.EDU
Subject: a comercial interruption...

Junk has inspired many things, moved many souls, started many debates, but
most importantly, it created STAR TREK: THE CROUTON GENERATION!!! But one day,
something happened to change all that...

Junk and TCG got a divorce!!!

What would the parentless Croutons do???

Jen-L: He's not alive, Captain.

Some Croutons reacted badly to the divorce of their parents. One in
particular:

Adm. Bradford: Captain half japanese! or should I say *Ensign* half japanese,
        because that's the rank you'll be demoted to if you don't let me
        out of this F****** jail cell!!!

This causes reflection on the part of some:
hj: (posed as if thinking about something profound, voice over) That's
        strange...my crew members never strangle anyone at home."

Will the _Subaru_ *ever* be allowed to return to LMC1??? Or will any members
survive *this* vacation. Find out next time on Star Trek: The Crouton
Generation.

(a Dave half Quixote japanese production coming soon on your only TCG channel)

--------------------------------

Date: Thu, 15 Aug 91 01:01:46 EDT
From: Knight of the Woeful Countenance 
Subject: TCG4: "Ripper at LMC1" (long)
To: The Crouton Generation 

A note for those keepers of the chronology: this episode takes place
*after* the Lady Melinda'a up and coming episode.




[Exterior: LMC1.  The Subaru is docked for repairs for the damages it
received in "Meltdown."  Cut to: interior, LMC1.  Near the offices of
Admirals Avenger and Bradford.  A fairly large figure walks stealthily
into the building, just outside the view of the videocameras.  The
figure whips out a tricorder and scans the building for life signs.
There are none.  Everyone is gone for the night.  The concealed man
now begins to enter a program into the tricorder which will affect the
monitoring system.  Instead of recording movements in the building,
the system will copy the past ten minutes' of inactivity over the rest
of the tape.  The alarm system will not be set off, and there will be
no record of an intruder.  The figure enters the office of Admiral
Bradford, removes a weapons case from the desk, and opens it.  He
pulls out a ceremonial Klingon dagger, the sort we saw in "Redemption"
and TSFS.  Armed and dangerous, he now exits down the stairs and into
the corridors of LMC1, which is filled with the crew of the Subaru as
they enjoy shore leave while the ship is repaired.  Concealing the
dagger in his clothing, he mingles with the crew.]

Woman: Hey, Socker! How are you doing?

[The man makes no reply, but continues walking.]

Woman: Socker, it's me--Laana.  Remember?  From engineering.

Man: (stops) Yes.  Of course.  Laana, how are you?

Laana: Me, I'm fine.  How about you?

Man: I was feeling a little down before, but I'm getting better now.

Laana: That's good.  What are you up to right now?

Man: Just going for a walk.  Get some fresh air.  Want to come?

Laana: Sure.

[The two of them continue walking.  Eventually they enter a gladed
area of LMC1, where some banana and various other fruit-bearing trees
were planted for food, beauty, and fresh air in LMC1.  The man begins
to nervously finger the dagger he has concealed in his Star Fleet
uniform.]

Laana: So what have you been up to?

Man: Not much.  How about you?

Laana: Well, some friends of mine were going to go watch a holo-movie
     on the east side of the station at 8.  Hey, do you know what time
     it is?

Man: It's Howdy Doodie Time...to kill you.

[The knife appears.  Laana screams.  Fade to black.]

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
"Ripper at LMC1"
     By Dave half Quixote japanese

Starring
     half japanese
     Jim Palmer
     Jen-L
     Dave Quixote
     Eric Kessner
     Sancho Panza (the man)
     Mark Bradford
     Practor
     Kabeta
     Jellis

With cameos by:
     Muirden
     Torvl Q. McDonagh
     Tim Larkin


Directed by: Eric Kessner
Incidental Music by: Delcara and the Many
Casting by: Eric Kessner
The Far Side by: Gary Larson
Makeup by: Eric Kessner
Executive Producer: Eric Kessner
Made Possible by a grant from: Eric Kessner
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

[Fade back to the glade scene, several hours later.  Lieutenant JG
Panza is squatting down by the dead body along with a red-haired woman
in a starbase security outfit.]

Woman: You know her?

Panza: Sure do, Rusty.  This is, or was, Ensign Laana Laang.  One of
     Missy's people.  Horrible way to die.

Rusty: Choked to death with a banana.  What would she be doing out
     here by herself in the first place?

Panza: Maybe she wasn't by herself.

Rusty: Do you realize what you're saying?

Panza: Yes.  Ensign Laang was murdered by someone she knew.  She would
     have no reason to come here by herself.

Rusty: This is not going to look good for Star Fleet if one of our own
     officers is a psychopath.  Any clues who it might be?

Panza: None right now.  I'll talk with some of her friends.  Maybe
     someone saw her headed over this way and could identify a suspect
     for us.

Rusty: Sounds good.

Panza: That's weird .  .  .

Rusty: What is?

Panza: The banana in her mouth.  It was cut off.  Look.  (points to
     the banana) It's too clean to be a break.  Look around.  There
     was definitely a struggle.  Her attacker may have dropped the
     knife.

[After some moderate searching, Rusty finds a knife hidden in the
bushes.]

Rusty: Here we go.  It's got blood on it.

Panza: Good.  Now all we have to do is find out what blood type this
     is, and identify it with all personnel on board LMC1.

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----------------------------------------------------------------------

[Cut to Admiral Bradford's office.  Admiral Bradford, Captain half
japanese, Lt. JG Sancho Panza and Lt. Larson are sitting around a
table.]

Bradford: Why have you called us here at this hour of the night???

Panza: There's been a murder, sir.  (dramatic pause which Panza seems
     to be greatly enjoying) One of the Subaru crew members, Ensign
     Laana Laang was choked with a banana.

Bradford: A banana???  Are you serious?

Panza: Yes, sir.  We can only be comforted in the fact that her last
     moments of life were very fruitful.  As the proverb says, "Saint
     Peter is well in Rome."

[Everyone scratches his/her head in an attempt to see the relevance of
this proverb, if there is any.]

Bradford: This is a grave matter indeed! What evil person would have
     come up with a plot like that?

hj: Are you positive it was murder, not suicide?

Panza: The banana was cut clean with a knife.  The said knife was
     found in the bushes where it had been thrown.  There was blood on
     this knife, but Ensign Laang received no wounds.  We have the lab
     tracing the blood type, and then we'll just have to take a stab
     at who the murderer could have been.

Bradford: How many people know about this?

Panza: The only people I've spoken to formerly about this are those
     in the room and Jen-L who is conducting the Lab tests.  But-uh,
     people have been talking.

Bradford: Damn, I was hoping to keep this quiet.  (a beat) Uh, you
     know, to avoid a panic.  Ok, Sancho, I want you to lead the
     investigation on this.  Captain, help out if he needs you.  Oh,
     and, Sancho, you report directly to *me* on this.  I want a
     progress report every two hours.  Do well and I'll see you get a
     promotion.

Panza: Yes, sir, Admiral!!!

---------------------------------------------------------------------

[The cloaked man yet again stalks the corridors of LMC1.  He looks for
another victim.  A man has his back turned to his predator, who easily
breaks the neck of his prey in half.  The cloaked man pulls out fake
animal teeth and use these teeth to "bite" his already dead victim.
The man then puts on a pair of gloves over those he's already wearing
and makes claw marks all over the man's body.  At the sound of voices
in the distance, our murderer runs off.]

Panza: YES! I get to lead the investigation!  YES!  Life is sooo good
     to me!

hj: So you've been bragging ever since last night.  You had better not
     mess it up.  (a beat) What kind of knife was used?

Panza: I don't know.  I've never seen anything like it.  Looked kinda
     Klingon-ish, maybe.

hj: Can I see it?  This is your investigation, you do have the right
     to say "no," but I have a hunch.

Panza: Well, as the proverb says, "Plans fail for lack of counsel, but
     with many advisers they succeed."  What's your hunch?

hj: Let me see the knife and I'll let you know.

Panza: Of corpse.  (grins)

Rusty: Who's that?  (runs to the fallen victim)

hj: Kuso! (ic) Jen-L we need you now!

Rusty: I think I'm gonna be sick.

Panza: Ensign Tweeddle.  But which one?

hj: I believe it's Duhm Tweeddle, his twin is in my cabin, or was when
     you called anyway...

Panza: Sorry.

Jen-L: (running over, panting) What's up?

Panza: (pointing) Take a guess.

Jen-L: He's not alive, Captain.

hj: I want you to preform an autopsy on him.  We're headed to the lab
     anyway, I'll help you carry him back.  Sancho, as the inspector
     you'll probably want to look around for...well anything you can
     find.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
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[Cut to Sick-bay.  Jen-L and Captain half japanese have just hoisted
the dead dude to Jen-L's table.]

hj: Those look like animal bites on his face.

Jen-L: They are, Captain.  See this tooth?  Lemme see if the LMC1
     computer can identify it.  (funky lights flash, annoying beeping
     occurs) Captain...

hj: Yeah?

Jen-L: It's a wolf's tooth. You own the only wolf around.

hj: Are you suggesting that Skywise opened the door of my quarters and
     killed him?  May I remind you that wolves have never attacked
     humans, only defended against them?

Panza: (who evidently had been listening in) Interesting theory.  So
     what are you going to tell us about the knife?  (points to the
     knife on the table) Tell us, Doctor, what did you find out about
     the knife?

Jen-L: There were no fingerprints.  The blood is human, AB-.  Rare,
     but there are several around with that type.

Panza: So, Captain are you going to identify this knife for us?

hj: It's a Klingon ceremonial knife.  The kind they use to make
     sacrifices and often cut themselves before they enter battle.

Panza: You seem to know an awful lot about this kind of knife.

hj: Do you suspect *me*???  Listen Sancho.  I do know how to use a
     knife like that.  It's not meant to be held like most knives.
     Held properly there's no way it will be knocked out of someone's
     hands.  Whoever used it didn't.  (a beat) At any rate, I have an
     alibi--I was enjoying Ensign Dee Tweeddle's, uh, company.  And
     the second murder probably occurred when I was with you,
     remember? (a beat) Are you still interested in my hunch?

Panza: Sorry Captain, just suspecting everyone.  Yes, I'm very
     interested.

hj: Admiral Bradford has a weapons case.  Did you notice it?

Panza: I did, but I didn't look too closely.  Why?

hj: This knife should have been in there.  Check it out for yourself,
     Sancho.

Panza: I will.  I also want to see that your wolf isn't to blame.

Jen-L: Skywise isn't.  The claw marks aren't made by animal hands.
     See, there are scratches about the width of a human hand.  Gloves
     with claws.

Panza: Sounds like a bad horror movie.

hj: Sancho, why don't you get into the Admiral's office and see if the
     knife really is his?

Panza: You suspect Admiral Bradford?

hj: Not really, but someone could have taken it from there.  See how
     easy that would be.  I'm going back to my date.

Panza: Won't that be breaking and entering?  Sheesh.  Talk about a
     Criminal Investigation.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

[Later.  Lieutenant JG Panza and Lieutenant Rusty Larson are
attempting to enter the window to Bradford's office, to see if he is
missing a ceremonial dagger.]

Rusty: Oof.  Panza, you need to lose weight.

Panza: Well it was your idea to get in this way.

Rusty: I didn't mean for *you* to stand on *my* shoulders.

Panza: Just a few more inches, Rusty . . . come on . . .

[Rusty gives him a few more inches and he manages to grab a hold of
the window sill.]

Panza: All right, now I just open this . . . window.  Drat.

Rusty: Oof!  What is--get your foot off my hair! ouch!--it?  What's
     wrong?

Panza: If someone broke in, it wasn't through the window.  It doesn't
     open.

Rusty: I'm losing balance.  Aaah!

[The two fall down in a tangled heap.]

Panza: (upside-down, against the wall) We make a great team.  Any
     chance you can get transferred to the Subaru?

Rusty: You kidding?  I hate Japanese food.

[They go around front and decide to go in through the front door.]

Panza: OK.  It's a simple identity-plaque lock.  No problem.  Anyone
     could jimmy one of these.

Rusty: Go ahead.  I'll give you ten minutes.

Panza: You're on!

[Panza furiously begins to jimmy the lock and force the door open.
Fifteen minutes later, he is just furious.]

Rusty: Give up?

Panza: All right, yes, I give up.

[Rusty places something in the slot, the door opens.]

Panza: How did you . . . ?

Rusty: Simple.  I used this.

Panza: Master Card?

[They climb up the stairs to Bradford's and Avenger's offices.
Meanwhile, outside, a Subaruan is enjoying his shore leave by walking
down the corridor singing, "Singing in the Rain" in the synthesized
moonlight.  There is no rain in sight.  A figure dressed in dark
clothes steps out from the shadows.]

Subaruan: (half-turning) Someone there?

Figure: Not for long.

[The figure reaches out with a length of piano wire and strangles the
Subaruan in short order.  Satisfied with himself, he walks off,
disappearing into the shadows once more.  Back by Bradford's office.]

Panza: Now let's see . . . retina scan, huh?

Rusty: I suppose anyone could jimmy it in a matter of seconds, right?

Panza: Undoubtedly.

Rusty: So why don't you?

Panza: I wouldn't presume to rob you of the chance.

Rusty: Thank you.

[Rusty waves a red LED in front of the scanner.  The door pops open.]

Panza: How did you . . . ?

Rusty: It was simple.  Anybody could do it.  Want to give it a try?

Panza: No, no.  No point, now that it's open.

Voice: (ic) Lieutenant Larson, sensors indicate a break-in at the
     office of Admiral Bradford.

Rusty: Nobody's here, Adric.  Cancel alarm.

Adric: (ic) Alarm canceled, aye.

[They walk into Avenger's office.  The weapons case is opened, and the
ceremonial Klingon dagger is missing.]

Panza: Who all has access to this room?

Rusty: Well, Admiral Bradford, primarily.  I suppose that Admiral
     Avenger could also get something from here if he wanted, but he's
     been on leave since before you arrived.

Panza: Anybody else?

Rusty: Not that I can think of.  Why?

Panza: The dagger we found belongs in this case.  Someone took it
     from Bradford's office and attacked Ensign Laang with it.

[Dramatic music.]

Panza: Jellis, knock it out!

Jellis: (ic) Sorry.  I just felt bored.  I haven't appeared in any
     episodes lately, and I--

Rusty: You think Admiral Bradford might have killed Ensign Laang?

Panza: I wouldn't say that yet.  But he definitely could have removed
     the knife for some reason.

Rusty: Suppose somebody broke in and stole it?

Panza: We set off an alarm, remember?  How could someone have broken
     in?  There were no alarms set off last night.

Rusty: They could have reprogrammed the alarm system to cover it up.

Panza: That's stretching it.  How many people between LMC1 and the
     Subaru have that ability?  Have your people look into it.

[A few days later.  Several members of the Subaru crew are headed out
for late-night frolicking and food.  The camera pulls back to a long
shot to reveal a row of typical starbase amenities.  There are
restaurants, shops, pubs and the like.  At the far end of the corridor
are the familiar Golden Arches, with a statue of Romulan McDonald.
hj, Dave Quixote (newly returned from his leave on the _Melbourne_),
Palmer,), Jen-L, Sancho (the dog), and Ensign Redshirt go walking
along.]

Palmer: Anyone up to McDonald's?

hj: Sure.  I love their Japanese food.

Jen-L: Ugh.  I don't.

hj: Yes, you do.

Jen-L: I don't.

hj: Jen-L, I love McDonald's.  And so do you.

Jen-L: I want to eat fast food?

hj: Yup.

Quixote: It appears we are decided, then.  Let us proceed.

[The five of them walk into McDonald's.  The manager comes out to
them.]

Manager: I'm sorry, but we don't allow dogs in here.

hj: That's okay.  We don't have any dogs with us.

Manager: (indicates Sancho) What do you call that?

Quixote: He is Sancho Panza, my devoted friend and loyal squire.

Manager: Looks like a terrier to me.

hj: Sorry, sir, he's a squire.  You aren't going to turn away a knight
     and his squire, are you?

Manager: A knight?  What are you talking about?

Palmer: This (indicates Quixote) is the great Dave Quixote, and this
     (indicates Sancho) is Sancho Panza, his squire.

Manager: You're nuts.  That's a dog.

Jen-L: Nope.  No dogs.  Don't you know they aren't allowed in places
     where food is being served?  We wouldn't bring a dog here with
     us.  But Sancho isn't a dog.  He's Dave's squire.

Quixote: Truly, it is as they say.

Manager: I can't believe you people.  You're all nuts.  I suppose
     you're going to tell me that barber's basin he's wearing is his
     helmet?

Quixote: But of course it is.  It is none other than the golden helmet
     of the knight Mambrino, which, when worn, makes its wearer, if he
     is a pure knight, invulnerable from all harm.

Manager: It's a barber's basin!

hj: No, really--it's a helmet.  Isn't it, Jen-L?

Jen-L: Absolutely.  Who in his right mind would wear a barber's basin
     on his head?

Manager: But--but--well, where's the stupid visor, then?

Palmer: Well, it's a damaged helmet, granted, but it's still
     Mambrino's helmet, I assure you.

Quixote: Even so.  Though, truth to tell, I often wear another helmet
     of mine which has its visor firmly in place.  'Tis not as
     wondrous as Mambrino's helmet, but appears more complete.  Tell
     me now, innkeeper, if we have satisfied your requests, whether we
     may present the desires of our stomachs that you may assign your
     kitchen maids to prepare our meals?  'Struth, we have done much
     of late, and weary with hunger.

Manager: One of us is insane, and I sure hope it's not me.  Roy, will
     you take their orders?

Rogers: What about the dog?

Manager: (confused) Take the squire's order, too.

[The manager leaves, bewildered out of his skull how Star Fleet
officers can be so convinced of what is obviously not true.  After
they get their food, Quixote leads the shore leave party in grace.
Palmer and the others dig into their burgers and fries.  hj and Ensign
Redshirt begin to open their cartons of Japanese food.]

hj: So, Jen-L.  How is Kessner doing?

Jen-L: Well, captain, he's doing better.  He was nearly electrocuted
     in the Chex Alpha Doulos storm, as you know.

Palmer: (mouth full of food) Yesg.  I remembger vergy well.

hj: Palmer, that's disgusting.  Didn't your mother ever teach you to
     chew with your mouth closed?  Give me fifty leg-lifts.

[Ensign Redshirt eats some sushi.  hj was about to, but Palmer's lack
of table manners distracted her.]

Palmer: (mouth still full) Bug capgin!

hj: (wiping face off) That does it! Give me three hundred push-ups.  I
     don't care what Commander Becker says.  I never had this sort of
     discipline problem when you did push-ups.

[Palmer swallows his food and begins to do his push-ups.]

hj: Uh-uh.  Do the leg-lifts first.  (a beat) So how is he doing?

Jen-L: Well, he's really in remarkably good shape.  He's lost a little
     bit of motor control on the left side, and seems to have some
     mild mood swings, but nothing serious.

hj: So you think he can return to duty after shore leave?

Jen-L: Absolutely.  He'll be a normal, productive member of the crew
     in no time at all.

Quixote: That is most good to hear, Lady Jen-L.  I was concerned for
     Lord Eric when I learned of his injuries.  It is good to know
     that he recovers quickly.

Jen-L: It sure is.  He's here on LMC1 on shore leave.  It should do
     him a world of good to get out here and enjoy himself.  Still, I
     am kind of concerned.

hj: Why's that?

Jen-L: Two of the murder victims have been close friends of his.  He's
     taking it rather hard.  He keeps blaming himself.

hj: Why's that?

Jen-L: A sort of survivor's guilt.  He feels that he could have saved
     them if he had been there.  Ensign Laang, for example.  He was
     with her just before she disappeared, but went back to his room
     to get some sleep.  He feels that if he had only been with her,
     then he could have saved her life.  I may have to confine him to
     sickbay if his nightmares continue.

hj: That's a shame.  I know how he feels, though.  I feel like I
     should be able to do something more to protect my crew.  I guess
     I feel a little guilty, too.

Redshirt: (turning red, eyes bugging out, groping for the table)
     Hurgh!

Jen-L: I know the food isn't good, but it's hardly that bad.

Redshirt: thbthhhhh!

hj: I can't believe this.  First Palmer, now you.  I'm embarrassed to
     be on shore leave with you people.  I wonder how Panza is doing
     at locating the murderer?

[Ensign Redshirt dies, facedown on the table.]

Quixote: Apparently not as well as hoped, my Queen.

hj: So much for my date.

[Jen-L gets out her tricorder and scans Redshirt's body.  There are no
life signs.]

Jen-L: Neurotoxin.  hj, you haven't eaten any of your food, have you?

hj: Not yet.

Jen-L: Don't.

hj: Why not?

Jen-L: It's poisonous.  Some Japanese foods have to be prepared very
     carefully, or they will contain deadly neurotoxin.  If you eat
     that food, you'll die.

hj: (calling Roy) Oh Roy?  I'd like some Chicken McNuggets and a small
     coke, please.

[Back to the admiralty offices.  Panza and Rusty exit the offices and
step back into the main corridors.  They immediately see the dead man.
Panza touches the man's neck to see if there's a pulse.]

Panza: No pulse.  Body's still warm, though.

Rusty: The murderer can't be too far away, then.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
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[Down the corridor, Bradford is walking to his office as he is unable
to sleep.  He is worried about the murderer, and naturally feels
restless.  A dark-clad figure from one of the alleys sees him and
calls.]

Figure: (softly) Admiral . . .

Bradford: (stopping) Yes?

Figure: Admiral, I need your help, please.  I've been hurt.

[Bradford hurries over to help the man.]

Bradford: What's wrong?  What can I do for you?

Figure: Die!

[The figure lunges at Bradford and gets a hand on Bradford's neck.
The two of them struggle, and end up scuffling on the floor.  It is
obvious Bradford is losing, and so he contents himself with just
trying to get away.  The dark figure grabs a hold of Bradford's
uniform, and if you thought Kirk got his uniform torn up bad, whew
boy!  You haven't seen anything.  Bradford looks up and sees a knife
about to plunge into his chest, so he takes off with a loud rip.  His
uniform shirt is in tatters as he makes it a foot closer to the main
corridor.  The murderer swings his knife again and catches it on one
of the rips in Bradford's pants, but narrowly misses stabbing Bradford
in the leg.  He grabs again and the few remaining pieces of Bradford's
uniform come off.  Bradford escapes by the skin of his you-know-what
and runs down the corridor, absolutely naked, shouting at the top of
his lungs.]

Bradford: Halp!  Halp!  The murderer!

Rusty: (turning bright red and turning away) Oh my gosh . . .

Panza: (brandishing phaser) Hold it right there, Admiral, or I'll
     shoot.

Bradford: Wha--what?

Panza: If I had any doubts of your guilt, you just eliminated them.

Bradford: Guilt?  What are you . . . (suddenly it dawns on him) No,
     that's insane.

Panza: Maybe, but so are you.  Look at you, running buck naked through
     a starbase.  That's hardly normal behavior.

Bradford: But the m-m-m-mur-murderer!

Panza: Yes, let's talk about that, shall we?  Where did you get that
     cut on your arm?

Bradford: At home yesterday evening.

Panza: How convenient.  Any witnesses?

Bradford: No . . .

Panza: Admiral Bradford, I charge you with indecent exposure and three
     counts of murder.

Bradford: You WHAT?  You can't do that.

Panza: Oh yes I can.  You have the right to remain silent.  Anything
     you say can be used against in a Star Fleet court.  You have the
     right to--

[Fade to black.  Go to a commercial.]

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Announcer: Ever walk in the Sahara during a sand storm? the sand
blowing everywhere really makes you thirsty. Once you reach the
shelter of your tent, you can run to the fridge to grab the only thing
in there--a can of Squirt. But if you aren't careful, the parched
announcer will kill you and take the can of Squirt from you. (See arm
of man in a suit as he strangles the person running to the fridge who
falls down and the announcer takes the Squirt) Gulp.  Ah...
----------------------------------------------------------------------

[Admiral Bradford is in a holding cell quite outraged at the
situation.]

Bradford: Panza! You'll regret this!

Panza: Yeah, but the people who would have become future victims will
     thank me.

Bradford: I'm taking you off the investigation!

Panza: As a suspect, Admiral, you have no right to do that, sir.

Bradford: Get me that Captain of yours!  NOW!

Panza: She's on her way.

[hj enters, her Katana is on her back]

Bradford: You get me out of here!!!

hj: Sir, I can't do that.

Bradford: Captain half japanese! Or should I say *Ensign* half
     japanese because that's the rank you'll be promoted to if you
     don't let me out of this f****** jail cell!

hj: (nervously) Uh, Panza what's the evidence against the Admiral?

Panza: Well the knife was his, there isn't any way to get into the
     Admiral's office without setting off the alarm...

hj: The alarm system could have been tampered with...

Panza: And he was found running around naked screaming about
     murderers.

hj: Well running around naked is hardly a crime...especially with a
     bod like his!

Rusty: It should be a felony.  Of all the indecent--

Panza: Captain, if we let him out now there's bound to be another
     murder within half an hour.

hj: Have you checked the computer records for his location at the time
     of the murders? The computer keeps track of all crew members you
     know.

Panza: Uh. I didn't know that.

hj: Check them.

Panza: Computer...

Bradford: So Captain, what are you doing with a sword on your back?

hj: Someone poisoned my Sushi, who knows if they'll come after me in
     person.  I'm going to be ready though.

Panza: (looking disappointed) The computer records check.  He has
     alibies for all of them.

hj: Then let him out.

Bradford: Thank you, Captain, I'm glad *someone* around here can
     think. Panza you're off the case.

hj: With all due respect, sir, I think Panza should remain on the
     case. He knows what's been going on better than anyone and we
     don't have time to start over.

Bradford: I suppose you're right. But remember Captain, there weren't
     any deaths on LMC1 until you and your crew showed up. It's one of
     your officers! (leaves)

hj: (posed as if thinking about something profound, voice over) That's
        strange...my crew members never strangle anyone at home."

Panza: (interrupting the Captain's thought) I hope we didn't just let
     murderer go.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

[Next night.  All is darkness. A room with beds.]

Voice: No! No! Don't do it! Please don't!

[the lights turn on as Jen-L rushes into Sickbay]

Jen-L: Eric...Eric! It's ok! Wake up, Eric...

Kessner: (Screams) NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (Kessner is now sitting up sobbing
     and gasping for air) I didn't mean to do it, I swear I didn't
     mean it...

Jen-L: Eric, you were dreaming.

Kessner: It seemed so real...

Jen-L: Do you wanna tell me about it?

Kessner: Deaths...blood...everywhere...all over me...I killed them
     all...

Jen-L: What are you talking about? You're in sickbay, Eric. You
     haven't been able to get out of bed for days. You haven't hurt
     anyone.

Kessner: I saw their blood all over me...I tried to stop myself but
        couldn't...

Jen-L: Listen to me, Eric, what you are feeling is normal. You are
     just feeling guilty for not being able to save Laana.

Kessner: You know about Laana and me then? (sighs) I wish things could
     have been like they once were, back when we were in the Academy
     together...

Jen-L: I know, Eric. (a beat) I'm going to give you a sedative to help
     you sleep.

[Jen-L takes one last look at Kessner sleeping like a baby before she
leaves the room.]

----------------------------------------------------------------------

[A little later Panza and Rusty are walking through the corridors of
LMC1, looking for the murderer.]

Panza: Feeling nervous?

Rusty: A little.  The killer has murdered three people so far.

Panza: Yeah.  You never know when he'll strike again.  I keep thinking
     there must be a pattern, but I can't find it. I was so sure it
     the Admiral, too.

Rusty: It doesn't make sense. The victims are different sexes, races,
     rank . . . there doesn't seem to be anything in common.

Panza: Darn it, I get nervous in these corridors when it's so dark.
     He could strike again at any minute, and I could never notice.

[The man appears and grabs Rusty by the neck.]

Rusty: Glutghrrrr!

Panza: Yep.  He could even attack one of us without warning.

Rusty: Prngrrr!  Herbblrbrbrbrbrb!

Panza: So make sure we stay close together so he can't get us, OK,
     Rusty?  Rusty?

[He turns and sees the murderer strangling her.]

Panza: Hey, you!  Stop!

[He pulls out his phaser and fires.  The murderer ducks under the shot
and scampers off.]

Panza: Missed.  (kneels down by Rusty) You OK?

Rusty: (raspy) not yet . . . give me time.  It's too much like when I
     filled out my last IRS tax form . . .

----------------------------------------------------------------------

[Captain half japanese's guest accommodations on LMC1. hj is
practicing a form (or pattern or Kata or whatever you want to call it)
involving two Katanas. It is obviously difficult for the Captain who
seems to be losing her balance. She slips and cuts her leg. Cursing,
she cleans her swords and puts them away before going to the first aid
kit. She pulls out a spiffy device, runs it over the cut which
disappears without leaving a scar.]

hj: (aloud to herself) That explains how the murderer, if it isn't
     Bradford, could have removed the cut. But these aren't available
     to all crew members . . . Someone had to have access . . . maybe
     through sickbay. Wouldn't Jen-L know? She would have said
     something . . . Let's check computer records . . . Computer.

Computer: (grandmotherly voice) Yes, dearie?

hj: Need sickbay records. all personnel in since Laana Laang's death.

Computer: I don't feel too well, dearie.

hj: Chuk'sho!!! Someone's tampered with the computer records. That
     means all alibis could have been changed. I've gotta tell Panza.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

[A tavern.  Bradford is sitting by himself with a foamy glass of root
beer, muttering under his breath about incompetent security personnel.
He finally gets up and walks to the bathroom.  Once through the door,
he sees the familiar cloaked figure, who decks Bradford a good one,
knocking him to the floor.  While the insensate admiral lies
unconscious, the figure rips off the admiral's uniform collar and sets
up a timed detonator under the sink.  The figure then disappears in a
swirl of croutons . . .

[Only to reappear in a corridor, where--you guessed it! a person is
standing by himself, waiting for his date to show up.  The figure
grabs the crewman and wrenches his back, killing him instantly.  The
murderer then sticks the admiral's collar into the dead man's hand and
roughs up dead man's clothing to give the semblance of a fight.  At
the sound of approaching footsteps, the murderer disappears again.
Panza and Rusty, continuing their search through the halls, come upon
the dead man.]

Rusty: There's another one!

Panza: (looks at the mutilated body of the Lt. JG) Damn.

Rusty: Look at his hand. He's obviously holding something.

[As Panza pries open the victim's hand, Dave Quixote and Sancho Panza
the dog walk up]

Quixote: He's not looking at all well.

Rusty: You have a gift for overstating the obvious.

Panza: It's a piece of cloth.

Quixote: Perhaps my loyal squire may be of assistance?  He is a
     skilled tracker.  He once led me for days on the trail of Evil
     Freston, who eluded us with his foul sorcery.

Panza: It's worth a shot. (puts cloth in front of Sancho who sniffs it
     and runs off) lets see where he goes.  Hang on, what's this?
     (reaches down and picks up the collar)

Quixote: I shall follow him!  I shall meet with you again.

Rusty: What is it?

Panza: Part of a collar complete with murderer's rank. (shows it to
     Rusty) It's an Admiral's collar.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Come to Kessner's Bagel Bakery, where the bagels are fresh and hot.
You can relive your first encounter with the wonderful world of bagels
at Kessner's Bakery, as these great Croutons have.

Donaghey: My first bagel experience was back at a summer camp I went
     to.  Our bagels were as hard as rocks.  Yep, Kessner's Bagel
     Bakery reminds me of that first experience very clearly.

Learn: Well, I had never heard of a bagel until I came to college.
     When I finally tried one, I was struck by the complete lack of
     flavor and variety available at the Lair.  Kessner's Bagel Bakery
     brings back many fond memories of those care-free days.

Frechett: Get a life!  Why are we talking about bagel experiences?
     This is unbelievably ridiculous.

Kessner's Bagel Bakery.  Come down and try our bagels today!
----------------------------------------------------------------------

[Same scene.]

Rusty: This could have been planted.

Panza: How?

Rusty: Well, suppose someone stole the admiral's uniform?  Like the
     other day, when he was running around, naked.  He said the
     murderer ripped his uniform to shreds.

Panza: Hm.  That assumes, of course, that's he was telling the truth.

Rusty: A man is innocent until proven guilty, Sancho.  Even on LMC1.

Panza: All right.  Point taken.  Nonetheless, I'm going to keep this
     as evidence, just in case.

Rusty: All right.  That's fair enough.  Now, where do we go from here?

Panza: Well, seeing as the murderer's not likely to set off a bomb to
     let us know where he is, I think we should--

[There is a tremendous explosion behind them.  They turn to see one
huge fire burning where a tavern used to be, off in the distance.]

Panza: Head down there.  Sound like a good plan?

Rusty: It will do for starters.

[The two of them arrive at the scene of the explosion.  There are
bodies strewn about of both the wounded and the dead.  Bradford walks
about, dazed, only vaguely aware of what's going on.]

Panza: Oh my g-- (the sound dies in his throat)

Rusty: Looks like twelve, maybe thirteen victims.  What in the
     galaxies happened here?

Bradford: (dazed look) Huh.  Lieutenant Panza, Larson.

Panza: Admiral. (looks at Bradford's uniform, the collar is missing)

Rusty: Panza, do you see what I don't see on you-know-who?

Panza: Uh-huh.

Rusty: (out loud, to no one) We're lucky this tavern wasn't closer to
     the bulkhead, or the starbase's integrity could have been
     jeopardized.

[While Rusty says this to distract Bradford, Panza does an end-run
around the Admiral and cuffs his hands behind his back quickly.]

Panza: Admiral, you're under arrest.

Bradford: (coming to his senses) What?  You can't . . .

Panza: Oh yes I can, Admiral.  You're charged with seventeen counts of
     murder, and illegal use of explosives.

Rusty: I concur.  The evidence is overwhelming, Admiral.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

[Admiral Bradford is once again in a jail cell.]

Bradford: Panza, I'll have you kicked out of starfleet for this!

Panza: I don't think you will be in any position to do anything after
     your trial.

Bradford: I'm innocent, you fool! I have an alibi, remember?

hj: (entering room) No you don't. The computer alibis can't be
     trusted.  They've been tampered with. You will have your trial
     tomorrow when Captains Kabeta and Muirden arrive.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

[In sickbay Sancho Panza the dog growls at Lt. Kessner's bed]

Jen-L: Out!  Out, you mutt!

Quixote:  My apologies, my squire was tracking down the murderer.  It
     seems he has found who he was looking for.

Jen-L: That's impossible! Lt. Kessner hasn't left sickbay. He can't
     even stand without being dizzy, there's no way he could have
     committed any crime, so get your mangy mutt out of here, you're
     disturbing the sick!

Quixote: You insult my honor! Calling my squire a "mangy mutt!" Were
     you but a knight, I would joust with you for such an insult.
     (Dave Quixote and his loyal squire depart the sickbay)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

[Bradford is now on trial before a board of captains to determine his
ability to function as an admiral.  Captains present include: hj,
Kabeta, and Muirden.  Kabeta is senior officer, so she presides.
Larkin and McDonagh also serve on the board.  Palmer is defending
Bradford, Panza is doing the prosecuting.]

Bradford: hj!  Let me go free, or I swear I will kill you with my bare
     hands.

Panza: That's an interesting thing to say, admiral, especially
     considering what you're in for.

Bradford: Er, ah, well I didn't mean kill, so much as . . .  look, I'm
     innocent.  Let me go.  Please?

Kabeta: That's what this convening is for, admiral.  Jen-L, please
     give us your psychological evaluation of the admiral.

Jen-L: Well, captain, spending this much time in deep space has been
     known to have dramatic effects on people.  They can develop
     hostile urges which will sometimes result in a split personality.
     With all the pressure Admiral Bradford has been under, managing
     LMC1 by himself, the trouble with the Lucky Charms, and so on, I
     think it is very likely that he could have developed a second,
     psychotic personality.  Such a person could easily be unaware of
     this second personality's existence and have no memory of the
     things this persona does.  Admiral Bradford could behave
     completely normally when this persona does not surface.

Palmer: Objection.  There is no evidence that my client has committed
     any violent acts.

Bradford: Yeah!  That's right!

Kabeta: Sustained.  Counsel for the prosecution, have you anything to
     substantiate your claims?

Panza: Well, for starters, Admiral Bradford, I'd like to ask you some
     questions about your Klingon dagger.

Bradford: Go right ahead.

Panza: Why do you have a dagger like that?

Bradford: It was a gift from Admiral Avenger.

Panza: I see.  Do you know how to hold the dagger, Admiral?

Bradford: Well, sure.  (holds the dagger)

Panza: Captain half japanese, as one experienced with these daggers,
     is that the correct manner in which to hold them?

hj: No.  Anybody could knock it out of your hands that way with a
     well-placed kick.

Panza: I see.  Thank you, Captain.  Now, Admiral, how would you
     explain the disappearance of your Klingon dagger from your
     office, and its subsequent appearance at the first murder site?

Bradford: It must have been stolen.

Panza: In other words, someone bypassed the security alarms I set off,
     and broke into an admiral's office just to steal a weapon?

Bradford: Uh . . .

Panza: Admiral, the program which runs the security for your offices
     was designed on Vulcan.  Who all in the staff of LMC1 and the
     Subaru can do such a thing?

Bradford: Myself, *ensign* half japanese, and Lieutenant Eric Kessner.

Panza: I wish to remind the board that the blood type found on the
     blade was AB-.  Of the people mentioned, only he and Lieutenant
     Kessner have that blood type, and only the admiral shows any
     wound.

Bradford: I cut myself at home!

Panza: Any witnesses?

Bradford: . . . no . . .

Panza: Doctor Jen-L, do you have any record of Bradford's or Kessner
     coming to sickbay for a wound?

Jen-L: No.  Neither the Subaru nor LMC1 med-base has treated either
     for any wounds since arrival on LMC1.

Bradford: Come on, Palmer, do something!

Palmer: I'm doing everything I can.  Sorry, admiral.

Panza: And what about the collar with your rank found in your last
     victim's hand?

Bradford: Obviously when the murderer ripped my shirt off during our
     struggle right before you arrested me the first time, he kept the
     collar to frame me.

Panza: Any witnesses?

Bradford: You saw me naked right after the fight.

Kabeta: Naked?

Panza: Yes, Captain, that was when we arrested him the first time.

Kabeta: Ah yes, of course.

Panza: So, Admiral, I am to believe that whoever attacked you kept the
     collar from your shredded uniform to frame you with?

Bradford: (confidently) That's right.

Panza: If I may draw the board's attention to the collar we found at
     the most recent murder site, you will please note that it fits
     the uniform which Admiral Bradford wore at the time of the
     bombing perfectly.

[Bradford pales.]

Panza: As a note, I wish to remind the court that Admiral Bradford has
     no confirmed alibi for his location at the times of the murders,
     and it should be noted that when he was imprisoned the murders
     stopped.   Almost immediately after his release, there were a
     string of murders which ended with his arrest.  Is this a
     coincidence?

[Later.]

Kabeta: Closing comments?

Palmer: The defense rests.

Bradford: WHAT!?  YOU CALL THAT A DEFENSE?  YOU MISERABLE LITTLE--

[Bradford attacks Palmer and tries to throttle him.  Panza and five
other security guards finally pull him off.]

Panza: (smugly) The prosecution rests, too.

Kabeta: Very well.  This hearing is adjourned for two hours while the
     board reaches its decision.

[Two hours later, Kabeta, hj and Muirden stroll back in.]

Kabeta: Admiral Bradford, we find you guilty of seventeen counts of
     murder by reason of insanity.  You will be taken to Earth for
     psychiatric evaluation and rehabilitation.  With luck, one day
     you will be cured and fit to return to society.

Bradford: But I'm not insane . . . at least I don't think I am.  I
     don't remember killing anyone . . .  Come on guys, this isn't
     funny!

Kabeta: Since Admiral Avenger is currently on leave, and Captain
     Crouton is not in this sector, I will assume command of LMC1
     until relieved by a higher ranking officer.

Bradford: No!  That's my job!  You can't take it away from me, you
     can't!  No no no no . . .

[Bradford is taken out of the court room foaming at the mouth and
gushing tears.  A few days later, the Subaru is repaired and ready
to leave LMC1.  Exterior LMC1 and Subaru, v/o hj.]

hj: Captain's log, stardate 103139.4.  We are now leaving LMC1.  My
     thoughts are with Admiral Bradford as he rapidly returns to
     Earth in that nice white shuttle.  I hope that one day he will
     be cured of his disorder and able to return to duty.

Practor: Course laid in, captain.

hj: Engage.

[Meanwhile in Kessner's quarters.]

Kessner: Man, that is weird.  How did this blood get on my uniform?
     You'd think I'd killed somebody . . .

[Fade to black.  The End?]