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The Crouton Generation Archives
Star Trek: The Crouton Generation
Season 4, Pack #15
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Date: Thu, 18 Jul 91 13:46:20 edt
From: "someone now holds the key (Russell, Kerri)"
RUSSELLK%DICKINSN.BITNET@EVANS.UCAR.EDU>
Subject: ST:TCG *short*
on the next episode...
"positively"
Captain half japanese tries to hint the secret pkill password to Ensign
Aedoni to make their game fair. But Aedoni is not *positively* certain that
she's possibly got the right password (*positively*) Get it? Positively.
Will Ensign Aedoni *ever* pkill half japanese???? sigh. Find out next time
on Star Trek: The Positively Generation
----------------------
Date: Thu, 18 Jul 91 16:26:17 edt
From: "Aedoni t'Rllaillieu (Papazisis, Despina)"
PAPAZISI%DICKINSN.BITNET@EVANS.UCAR.EDU
Subject: st:tcg short
"Pkill Wars" a part of many
Unbeknownst to hj Aedoni saught the help of the 1000 Island Consultant for
help in the Pkill Wars. Unfortunately, to Aedoni, the information that she
received was correct, but confusing. So, she decided to seek the counseling
of The Great Shaw. Aedoni trudged through uncharted territory to get to the
Great Shaw, and her efforts were rewarded.
Great Shaw: So, you want to learn the ways of the Pkill...
Aedoni: Yes, Great Shaw.
Great Shaw: Why do you want to learn the ways of Pkill?
Aedoni: So I can get back at hj.
Great Shaw: Well, why didn't you say so in the first place?? Here's how you do
it.....
The Saga Continues.....
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 18 Jul 91 18:15:59 edt
From: "someone now holds the key (Russell, Kerri)"
RUSSELLK%DICKINSN.BITNET@EVANS.UCAR.EDU
Subject: ST:TCG *short*
"Pkill Wars" a part of many part II
Unbeknonst to Aedoni, hj was in fact reading over the shoulder of the 1000
Island Consultant as that very message was read!!! HAHA!!!! Will Aedoni's
plans be thwarted???? Did hj talk to the great Shaw before Aedoni did???? Who
will win the Pkill wars??? The Glorious, Wonderful, Flirtatious, Captain half
japanese???? or That puny little Ensign???? Find out next time on Star Trek:
the Champion Generation!!!!!!
---------------------------
From: midzor@tramp (FIZZIX DUDE)
Subject: ST:TCG4 (kinda short)
Date: Thu, 18 Jul 91 21:02:44 MDT
"Run on Sentence"
Things become very exasperating for the Croutons when Fizzix Dude starts
posting episodes with such redicuously long sentences that they become al-
most impossible to understand because they go on and on without getting
to the point, or a period for that matter, thus denying the crew a chance
to stop, catch their breath, and try to make sense of what it is that
Fizzix Dude is trying to say to them on the next obnoxiously, long-winded,
insane, and eye-straining episode of "Star Trek: The 'Things become very
exasperating for the Croutons when Fizzix Dude starts posting episodes with
such redicuously long sentences that they become almost impossible to un-
derstand because they go on and on without getting to the point, or a per-
iod for that matter, thus denying the crew a chance to stop, catch their
breath, and try to make sense of what it is that Fizzix Dude is trying to
say to them on the next obnoxiously, long-winded, insane, and eye-straining
episode of "Star Trek: The 'Crouton Generation'"!' Generation"!
///////////////////////////// FIZZIX DUDE //////////////////////////////
----------------------------------
From: midzor@tramp (FIZZIX DUDE)
Subject: ST:TCG4 (very short!)
Date: Thu, 18 Jul 91 21:06:47 MDT
"?"
Zen asks, "Why?" on the next episode of "Star Trek: The Crouton Generation."
(Mike, would this be the shortest episode ever posted?)
///////////////////////////// FIZZIX DUDE //////////////////////////////
// + o _ + //
// p --> e + pi p --> v + pi //
// //
////////// To decay, or not to decay....That is the question! //////////
---------------------------------
Date: Sat, 20 Jul 91 13:57:47 edt
From: "Aedoni t'Rllaillieu (Papazisis, Despina)"
PAPAZISI%DICKINSN.BITNET@EVANS.UCAR.EDU
Subject: st:tcg
"Surrender"
Aedoni has finally admitted defeat at the hands of hj! She has learned a
valuable lesson from this. Never challenge a captain to pkill wars unless you
can be assured victory!!
-------------------------
Date: Mon, 22 Jul 91 08:48:58 -0600
From: reidj@tramp (Crossfire)
Subject: ST:TCG "What Are Short Episodes Made Of?"
Next time, on an All-New Episode of Star Trek: The Crouton Generation--
"What Are Short Episodes Made Of?"
A war of short episodes ensues between Fizzix Dude and captain hj
buuuuuuuuut Fizzix Dude knows a secret that hj doesn't: Episodes are
supposed to be funny! Will hj make Fizzix Dude do pushups? Will
Fizzix Dude change the gravitational constant of the universe to
make it easier for him? Watch as captain hj sturggles to get capitalized
on the next exciting episode of Star Trek: The Crouton Generation!
----------------------------
Date: Mon, 22 Jul 91 12:15:25 edt
From: "The Scribe of Keta sy'Babu (Atkins, Jennifer)"
ATKINS%DICKINSN.BITNET@EVANS.UCAR.EDU
Subject: quoth hj
"Wabbits and Womulans"
quoth hj, (in a Fuddian voice), "Be vewwwwy, vewwwy quiet. I'm huntin'
Womulans!" as she strangles ensign Aedoni.
Voices from the Fudd Continuum, next time on Star Trek: the Warner Bros.
Generation.
------------------------------
----------------------------
From hadden@husc.harvard.edu Tue Jul 2 12:54:51 1991
Date: Tue, 2 Jul 91 14:53:46 -0400
From: hadden@husc.harvard.edu
Subject: things that go boom in the night
Coming soon to Star Trek: The Crouton Generation:
CRASH!
Narrator: Something is keeping the crewmembers of the Heisenberg from sleeping.
Kabeta (sleepy and startled): What was _that_?
CRASH!
Narrator: And it's having bad effects on everyone's performance.
Speaker for the Dead: How'm I supposed to do my job when I can't even hear
myself think?
CRASH!
Narrator: ...and making their jobs nearly impossible.
Guillaume (muttering): I thought libraries were supposed to be _quiet_!
Narrator: What could be causing these (CRASH!) awful noises? Will anyone
get a full night's sleep ever again? Could the extensive computer use in
Scribonia's quarters have anything to do with it? Find out in "Things
that Go Boom in the Night", soon on ST:TCG.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 20 Aug 91 19:13:21 -0400
From: ender2@husc.harvard.edu (Matt Ender)
Subject: ST:TCG *short*
Next time on Staaaaaar Trek: The Crouton Generation:
" Redundancy -> Redundancy
^ |
| V
Redundancy <- Redundancy "
Silliness strikes the Heisenberg (again) when 10,684 copies of a proposal to
change the third shuttle's name from 'Redundancy' to 'Redundancy' are delivered
to Captain Kabeta's quarters. Will she be amused? Will she be exasperated?
Will she even have to guess which of her many silly crewpeopletypes set this up?
And why does the plaque read "This sentence has never been engraved on a plaque."?
As the old spirit fights to survive ...
---------------------------
Date: Mon, 9 Sep 91 08:26:33 -0600
From: ALLEN MELINDA K
Subject: TCG: HOMECOMING
(Posted for Dave Learn by Mindy Allen)
A brief continuity note: this episode takes place after "Ripper at LMC1,"
an episode which was released this summer. I hope to have a copy of it soon,
so I will repost it if anyone wants it (Crossfire, you did get my message,
didn't you?).
Kudos to the Lady Melinda for posting this for me. My email path between
lafayacs and typhoon seems to have gone awry, at least sending to TCG.
Don Quixote, Knight of the Woeful Countenance
learnd@lafcol.lafayette.edu |O "Maddest of all: to see life as it
learnd@lafayett.bitnet -|O is, and not as it should be."
dl20@lafayacs.bitnet _/ \_ --Cervantes
[Exterior LMC1. Cut to: office of former Admiral Bradford who was
released from the service on grounds of insanity. His office is now
occupied by Captain Kabeta of the Heisenberg, who serves in his stead
until Avenger returns from his vacation or a senior officer appears to
reliever her.]
Kabeta: I hate this job.
[She crumpled up a piece of paper and throws it through a basketball
hoop positioned over the wastebasket.]
Kabeta: It's no wonder Admiral Bradford went insane. The pressures and
boredom of this starbase are enough to push anyone over the edge.
[Kabeta gets up and walks out of the office, and begins to trudge
through the corridors of LMC1. She sees an aluminum can and gives it
a hefty kick, hurtling it through the corridor. It rattles noisily as
it hits the walls and floor before it finally comes to a stop.]
Ensign: Something the matter, Captain?
Kabeta: I never wanted this job. I took it because somebody had to, and
I was the highest ranking officer around.
Ensign: Yeah, I can understand that. Who would want to be cramped up in
a starbase when she could be commanding a starship?
Kabeta: Exactly! That's where my place is, not bound to some court in
Xavion, and not restricted to a starbase. I want to be out there,
where the excitement and adventure are. The thrill of the unknown.
Ensign: I could get into that. Only reason I'm on LMC1 is because it's
a step closer to the frontier than Star Fleet HQ. How's your crew
adjusting?
Kabeta: Well, they're getting by, but I get the feeling that most of
them would prefer to have me back on the Heisenberg than on here,
McDonagh particularly.
Ensign: Yeah, well--
Computer: (ic) Incoming message for Captain Kabeta, priority scramble
one.
Kabeta: I'll take it in the office, computer. Talk to you later,
ensign.
[Back in Bradford's old office. We cannot see the computer screen.]
Kabeta: This is Captain Kabeta at LMC1. Go ahead.
Voice: (ic) H-hi, K-kabeta. I-I'm on my w-way b-b-back to LMC1 now.
I w-will r-r-relieve you on St-st-st-stardate 103450.
[Kabeta's jaw drops. Cut to opening credits.]
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
"Homecoming"
By Dave Learn
Starring
Kabeta
Edited by: Kabeta and half japanese
Produced by: Dave half Quixote japanese Studios
Directed by: Mark Bradford
Music by: Penn-Trafford Warrior Marching Band
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Kabeta: Come back to LMC1 at once, Commander.
Scribonia: (ic) Why? Is there trouble?
Kabeta: (ic) Nope. I'm being relieved of duty here. I can go back to
being a captain again. I love it!
Scribonia: (ic) Great! We'll return there at once!
[Scribonia cuts the link.]
Kabeta: Computer, monitor course and progress of the Heisenberg. I'm
going home! I'm going home!
Computer: (ic) Cannot comply with request.
Kabeta: Why not?
Computer: Can either monitor speed or location of Heisenberg, but not
both.
Kabeta: Never mind. Forget I ever said anything.
[Low humming.]
Computer: (ic) Memory erased. No record of voice transmissions by
Captain Kabeta available.
Kabeta: Oops.
[Later, after the Heisenberg has arrived.]
McDonagh: So who's going to replace you? Is Avenger coming back early?
Kabeta: Nope.
Metag: Who is it? (pause) Captain, is the artificial gravity working
properly here?
Kabeta: As near as I can tell.
Metag: I'm just going to double-check it if you don't mind.
[Metag disappears.]
Thokk: Who replace captain?
McDonagh: Captain Crouton! Right?
Kabeta: Nope. It's Admiral--
All: Yes?
Kabeta: Bradford.
[Pause. Long pause. A very long, awkward pause.]
Hertzman: That's not very funny, Captain. Admiral Bradford is a
seriously disturbed man. You shouldn't make jokes at his expense.
McDonagh: No, seriously. Who's taking over?
Kabeta: Bradford. Really! I got the message from him twenty minutes
before I called you.
Thokk: This strange. They let killer take over starbase?
Hertzman: There is no way a man as ill as the Admiral could be cured
that quickly. Even if he were, I would hate to put him back in a
position where he could crack again.
Scribonia: Thokk, go alert Star Fleet that Admiral Bradford has escaped
the mental ward. McDonagh, check LMC1's shields. Make certain
there is no way that Bradford can get onto the base. Captain, it's
a good thing you called us. If that psycho were to get back here,
there's no telling what cou--
Kabeta: (loudly) As you were!
[Everybody stops running to their respective tasks.]
Kabeta: I checked with Star Fleet Command. Admiral Bradford's orders
are confirmed. He is to return to his full rank immediately upon
his arrival here.
Hertzman: But what about his second personality?
Kabeta: Gone.
McDonagh: What?
Kabeta: The psychoanalysts worked him over from childhood to the
present. There is no trace of a second personality anywhere.
They tried everything from hypnosis to babble juice.
Hertzman: Nothing? That's incredible.
Kabeta: He doesn't even remember committing the murders, but he does
remember being attacked twice.
Hertzman: Well, that could be a defense mechanism--
McDonagh: (thoughtfully) What about Bob?
Kabeta: Bob is dead.
Thokk: How about Buckwheat? He like Bob. Could do same things.
Kabeta: No reason to believe that it's either. He's in pretty good
shape. Now get my quarters ready, because when he arrives, I want
to give the Heisenberg one heck of a shakedown.
[Later. The USS GreyFlame pulls up to starbase LMC1 and docks. Two
figures get out, dressed in Star Fleet uniforms. One of them has a
haunted look about his face and displays a persistent, pronounced facial
twitch, probably the result of the intense psychoanalysis he has gone
through. The other one helps him down.]
Bradford: H-he-hello, K-k-ka-b-beta.
Kabeta: (hisses) McDonagh--don't stare!
McDonagh: B-but he . . .
[Bradford twitches.]
Bradford: Y-yo-you're r-re-relieved, Captain.
Kabeta: Thank you, sir. How are you doing, sir?
Bradford: I'm f-feeling mu-much better now. Th-thank you. Th-this is
Doc-doctor Mar-marcus. He'll b-be (gets stuck on the next word,
finally gets it out) HELPing me to readj-just.
Kabeta: Doctor Marcus.
Marcus: Captain Kabeta. I wouldn't worry about the admiral. He'll
be back to his old self in a few months. We think the origin of
his problem was rooted in his relationship to his mother when he
was about five. There was a very critical moment in his developing
years when his mother refused to buy him a Johnny Quest doll at
Children's Palace. This eventually resulted in a pathological
hatred of the human race, which resulted in his disorder.
Bradford: Y-yeah. W-w-what he said.
Kabeta: I see. And the second personality?
Marcus: Probably absorbed. No chance of it's returning again, I would
say.
Kabeta: Ah. Well, Admiral, it's good to have you back. We'll be seeing
you around, I suppose.
Bradford: Y-yes. Th-that w-would be n-nice.
Kabeta: (hisses) McDonagh, quit staring.
Bradford: Y-you're dismissed, now. B-bye.
Kabeta: Bye!
[Kabeta jumps about ten feet in the air, with the "Oh what a feeling" music
playing in the background, a la Toyota, and runs to the Heisenberg.]
Kabeta: I get on first!
McDonagh: No, I do!
Heinzmann: Me first. Medical reasons.
Thokk: I go first.
Kabeta: I outrank all of you--I go on first!
[SQUELCH. Everyone gets stuck in the doorway as they all try to get through
at once.]
Kabeta: How embarassing.
[Fade to black.]
----------------------------------
----------------------------
Date: Mon, 15 Jul 91 22:22:08 -0600
From: zecca@tramp (Emulator of Borg)
Subject: ST:TCG4 (12.6k /25 blks)
Start with a shot from Earth orbit, the sun shining over the rim of the
world, as we move down toward San Francisco and Star Fleet Headquarters.
We then move past SFHQ and across the bay, to a high-rise hotel.
Admiral Avenger sits dressed in a tuxedo and opera cape, absent-mindedly
pulling at his hair. He stops, digs into his pocket, finds a button that
reads "I'll never grow up.", and pins to his lapel.
Avenger: Do I really have to wear...this? You know I look better in a Star
Fleet uniform.
T'Lilith enters, dressed in Vulcan ceremonial robes, with some Klingon
decorum around the edges.
T'Lilith: You know full well the requirements of this ceremony. I really
would not mind wearing something a little more...comfortable...myself.
Avenger crosses the room to hug her.
Avenger: Well, I guess I can live with this...clothing...for one day,
for you. Congratulations.
T'Lilith (pulling away and looking out the window): I do not deserve
this honor.
Avenger: I know how you feel about awards, dear, but...your discovery
of the gene responsible for Ben Dye's syndrome is an important step
in its diagnosis and cure.
T'Lilith remains quite silent. Avenger steps up behind her and puts his
arms around her, resting his hands on her stomach.
Avenger (quietly): You'll find out what killed your brother. Just give
yourself time.
T'Lilith: I discovered the Ben Dye gene five years ago! How long will
it take? What if we ever decide to have children--?
Avenger: Unlikely.
T'Lilith: All right, what if T'Kreila ever decides to have children? Or
what if a Klingon and Vulcan should marry again? I have to know if there
is a genetic flaw in the fusion, for my sake and for others'.
Avenger: I know...and I'm sure you'll find it. But for now, the leading
medical researchers in the Federation want to honor you for the discoveries
you *have* made. The Salk Prize might not mean as much to you, but it
certainly means something to them.
T'Lilith: You are right. As usual.
Avenger: As usual? Bad assumption.
T'Lilith: Shall we go?
Avenger: Probably should. (Looking at chronometer) The ceremony begins
in less than an hour.
They make a last check for needed items, then move out the door into the
hallway. Avenger takes one last look into the room, then flips off the light.
Cut to:
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
STAR TREK: THE CROUTON GENERATION
"Good Mourning"
Written by Admiral Avenger
(Final line courtesy Peter David's "Vendetta")
Guest stars
Madge Sinclair as Cecilia Everett Leghorn
Special guest stars
Brent Spiner as Vice Admiral Data
Kevin Costner as Rene Picard
Directed by Kevin Costner
Music by John "Dances with 007" Barry
French consultants -- Jon Reid & Chris Hassell
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Avenger: "Personal Log, Stardate 103088.9:
The ceremony went well and T'Lilith now ranks with the select few who
have been awarded the coveted Salk Prize in immunology and genetics. After
her initial apprehension, I find that she is now enjoying the party after
the ceremony, as she is becoming reacquainted with old friends and making
new acquaintances in some of the top medical minds around."
A large ballroom dance floor is surrounded by a variety of fancy tables.
Many people stand in groups on the floor, chatting, while a few are actually
waltzing to the music provided by the small orchestra on the distant stage.
Avenger sits quietly at a corner table, chin on his hand, staring into a
large wine glass full of root beer. He absent-mindedly peels large sections
(square inch or so) of skin off his still-burned arm [*], while looking bored,
somewhat thoughtful and perhaps a little melancholy.
[* Editor's note: See "Dark at the End of the Tunnel", ]
[ Part 7 of "The Silence of the Croutons" ]
Data: You look lonely, Admiral. May I join you?
Avenger looks up, brightening. Data stands before him in a full tuxedo
and tails. His top hat and cane rest in his right hand.
Avenger: Data, I'd like nothing more right now.
Data sits down, placing the top hat and cane on the table next to him.
Avenger laughs. Data raises a curious eyebrow.
Avenger: You look ridiculous in that Fred Astaire costume.
Data: Inquiry, Admiral -- Fred Astaire?
Avenger: Never mind.
Data: I apologize for my tardiness. My duties at the Academy were quite...
numerous today.
Avenger: Trouble?
Data: A fourth-year cadet was caught tampering with the Kobyashi Maru
simulation program. I was forced to take disciplinary action. (a beat)
She will make a fine captain some day.
Avenger: I don't doubt it.
Data: Admiral, if I may be so bold...you are acting in a manner I have
come to find is associated with "having a lot on one's mind." (a beat)
Do *you* have "a lot on your mind"?
Avenger: Yes, Data.
Data: Star Fleet has taken to heart your message about the Borg. I am
sure Admiral Van Tripp will implement the new ship design plan with
speed and efficiency.
Avenger: Oh, I know that, Data. But so will the Borg... (a beat) What
are your feelings about Picard?
Data: I have no feelings, Admiral.
Avenger (aside): So you claim anyway. (a beat) Do you miss Picard?
Data: There is a certain...emptiness...without his active friendship.
(a beat) We have been...excuse me, were friends for over 60 years.
In my own way, I suppose you could say that I miss him.
Avenger: And have you resolved your feelings of loss?
Data (matter-of-factly): No, sir. I knew that someday, my long-lasting
design would cause me to face the loss of friend after friend. Now that
the time has come, it is no less difficult than when...Tasha died.
Avenger: Hmm...I think I know the feeling. 257 years and I still can't
deal with death.
Data: As your semi-baldness confirms, Admiral.
Avenger looks up quizzically, an eyebrow raised.
Avenger (cracking a smile): Are you running a psychotherapy program or
are you finally developing a sense of humor?
Data: Admiral, it is well known amongst Star Fleet psychologists that
have studied you that your hair removal habit is directly related to
the loss of the _Christopher Pike_ on Stardate 95677--
Avenger (rolling his eyes): Thank you, Data.
Data (sincerely): You are welcome, sir.
T'Lilith approaches, with a middle-aged woman in evening gown and traditional
African tribal decorations at her side.
T'Lilith: Mike, I want you to meet Cecilia Everett Leghorn. I used to
work for her.
Data (quietly, to Avenger): She was the Star Fleet Surgeon General for 12
years, Admiral. She retired from Star Fleet two years ago.
Avenger and Data stand up, Avenger extending a hand to Leghorn.
Avenger: Madame, I am honored to finally meet you. (glaring aside at Data
and with force on the next words) T'Lilith has told me all about you.
Leghorn: I am pleased to meet you as well, Admiral. You have brought
T'Lilith a great happiness I thought she would never find. (glancing at
T'Lilith) I like seeing you crack a smile once in a while.
T'Lilith blushes in a pale shade of green.
Avenger: Anyone can have that kind of happiness, if they just know where
to look for it.
Leghorn: Interesting philosophy. If you will excuse me?
Leghorn moves off to talk to a prominent-looking Vulcan standing a few
tables away. Avenger looks over at Data for a moment, who looks back
quizzically (wondering why Avenger is looking at him), then back at T'Lilith.
Avenger: boH'wI, I need to ask you a favor.
* * * * *
A small farming village in France, last seen in the ST:TNG episode "Family".
In a valley between vineyards lies a large cemetery just off a dirt road,
a testament to the people who fought the weather and the world wars in the
region to make a better life for themselves. Outside the front gates to the
cemetery, a Croutonizer beam flashes into view as Avenger solidifies. He is
dressed casually, all in black, in what he likes to refer to as his "Illya
Kuryakin outfit" (black mock turtleneck, black pants, black high tops). He
removes his London Kings baseball cap, takes in the scenery and then strolls
quietly into the cemetery. 50 yards or so in, he is stopped by a groundskeeper.
Groundskeeper: Est-ce que je peut vous aider, monsieur?
Avenger: I'm sorry. I don't speak French.
Groundskeeper (thick French accent): Apologies, sir. We don't have many
foreigners in these parts.
Avenger: That's quite all right. (a beat) Where can I find the stone for
Jean-Luc Picard?
Groundskeeper: Oh, the family doesn't generally like a lot of visitors to
that memorial. We had to hire a temporary security service to keep away the
tourists for a few weeks.
Avenger: I was a friend... (a beat) A friend who really hasn't really had
the chance to say good-bye yet.
Groundskeeper: Wait...you are Avenger, are you not? The man who turned the
tide at Regulus...
Avenger: That's me, yes. Can you help me find--?
Groundskeeper: Oh, oh, of course. Do you see that man over there? (He
points across the field, to where a man stands over a small tombstone.)
He is also visiting your friend.
Avenger: Thank you.
Avenger quietly, slowly and somewhat apprehensively approaches Picard's
grave. He hesitates, then stops, about 15 feet away. Avenger notices
that the man at the grave wears a Star Fleet uniform, and as he turns to
look at Avenger, he recognizes him as Picard's nephew, Rene.
Rene (solemnly): Don't be shy, Avenger. You are welcome here too.
(a beat) I just wanted one last visit before I ship out.
Avenger approaches and stands next to Rene Picard. They will continue
their conversation looking at the small tombstone until further notice.
It is a simple tombstone, only listing the name (Jean-Luc Picard), the
dates of birth and death (in the Old Calendar, not stardates), his relation
to some of the other Picards in the cemetery, and a short epitaph. There
is no mention of his tours of duty, the Picard Maneuver, the Borg or
anything else of that sort.
Avenger: Short and to the point. That is good. Best to leave the awards
and accolades in the history books where they belong. (a beat) What
does the epitaph read?
Rene: "He boldly traveled where none had gone before..."
Avenger (after a beat): To the point. I like it. (another beat) I bet
it sounds better in French.
Rene: It does.
They both stand in silence for a few moments.
Rene: So why are you here?
Avenger (choking back his emotions): I...I never got the chance to say
good-bye.
Rene: He understood that. (a beat) He is with old friends now.
Avenger: The Klingons would like to believe he has joined the Black Fleet.
Rene: Perhaps he has.
Silence again.
Avenger: Do you miss him?
Rene turns toward Avenger, wiping away a single tear, dripping down his
left cheek.
Rene: Of course.
Avenger (turning away): So do I.
Rene: Avenger.
Avenger turns back towards Rene Picard with his eyes a mess of red and of
thick tears slowly welling up. Picard extends a hand.
Rene (sniffling): Thank you.
Avenger shakes Picard's hand. Picard pats him on the shoulder as he walks
past and away across the cemetery. When he is 20 feet away, Avenger kneels
down and the tears burst forward from his tightly-clenched eyes. At 35 feet,
Rene continues walking and Avenger begins to sniffle and hyperventilate in
conjunction with the uncontrollable bawling. Every muscle in his face
tenses. At 50 feet, a Croutonizer beam envelops Picard, leaving Avenger
to mourn a lost friend.
FADE TO BLACK
Picard (voice-over): More adventures, old friend.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
On the Admiral's next exciting episode of
STAR TREK: THE CROUTON GENERATION
"Timed Release"
Admiral Avenger has had enough...
Van Tripp: Wait. Where are you *going*?
[The door slides open for Avenger as he dons large, dark sunglasses over
his prescription glasses.]
Avenger (very good Arnold Schwarzeneggar impression): I'll be back...
...and this time no one is safe.
[Avenger stands in black and shades with a phaser rifle pointed at a
man about to get his hair cut.]
Barber: I don't want no trouble in my shop, Mister.
Will he go too far?
Loqutus: Warning: Hidden Valley Ranch Neutral Zone at 1.4 light-years.
Can the Federation survive the covert activities of an armed Avenger?
Avenger (with an evil grin): I need to brush my teeth.
TERMINATED PLOTLINES on STAR TREK: THE CROUTON GENERATION!
-----------------------------------
"Mother's Day"
Produced and Directed by Dahlia Petty
Music by Zelma Davis
Special Appearances by Katherine Helmond as Starburst Blake
Peter Davison as Captain Stapley
[Interior, _Croutonprize_ bridge. Everyone is going about their normal
business. On the viewscreen we can see a lush, green-blue planet.]
Crouton: Number One, how long before we can get underway?
Highlander: Looks like the last shipment of cargo is on its way up. We should
be able to leave orbit within the hour.
Crouton: Excellent. I must say I'm looking forward to having fresh vegetables
for dinner for a while. Stopping off at this agricultural colony was an
excellent idea.
Highlander: I can't believe what they've done with the planet. I remember not
too long ago they were struggling to raise enough crops for themselves,
much less export anything.
Crouton: Starfleet's Agricultural Specialists are quite talented.
Highlander: They must be *geniuses*.
Gretzky: Captain, we're being hailed by the _Terry Nation_.
Crouton [rising]: On screen.
[The viewscreen switches to a view of the bridge of the USS _Terry Nation_.
Captain Stapley is standing and smiling slightly off-screen, and he
dexterously tosses a cricket ball to his first officer.]
Crouton: Greetings, captain Stapley.
Stapley [ss]: Ah, hello there, captain Crouton. Sorry to disturb you, but
one of our passengers wanted to ring you up. It seems that her son
serves aboard your ship.
Crouton [smiling]: Well, I wouldn't want to deny one of my crew the pleasure
of seeing his mother.
Stapley [ss, catching the cricket ball again]: Then we'll put her through.
[He snaps his fingers to the communications station.]
[The viewscreen switches to show the interior of someone's quarters. Soft
yellow lighting floods from the ceiling above, and filmy tapestries hang from
the walls. Most notable about the room is the fact that there dozens of
plants of different kinds thriving in the room, including a small banana
tree.
There is, of course, nobody to be seen.]
Crouton [after a minute]: Er, excuse me...
[Called by Crouton's voice, an elderly woman wafts into view. She has what
was once bright red hair, but has now faded with age. She is wearing layers
of filmy cloth that sports that awful neon tie-dyed pattern. She looks into
the viewscreen and smiles broadly.]
Starburst: Hello? Can you hear me?
Crouton: Yes ma'am, we can.
Starburst: Oh, that's good.
[a pause where they both look expectantly at each other.]
Crouton: I believe you wanted to talk to one of my crew?
Starburst [snapping her fingers as she remembers]: Oh yes, that's right!
[another pause.]
Starburst: Well? Is he there?
Crouton: We don't know who you want to talk to.
Starburst: Oh, of course. Well, I don't really remember his name...
Highlander: You don't remember the name of your own son?
Starburst: Well, no. You see, he doesn't like the name I gave him. We had
big fuss about it when he left for Starfleet. "What's wrong with
Zephiram?" I asked him. He said it sounded too biblical or something.
I told him I wanted to name him Dweezil Moonbeam, but his father wouldn't
have anything to do with that...
Crouton [interrupting]: Zephiram? What's his last name?
Starburst: The same as mine, of course.
[Crouton turns and fires a "help me" look at Highlander.]
Highlander: Well, what's your name?
Starburst: You mean you don't recognize me?
Highlander [nonplussed]: Should we?
Crouton [aside]: Number One...
Starburst: Oh, well, my name is Starburst Blake. I'm the Federation's
foremost agricultural consultant!
Highlander [barely softly, to Crouton]: She says that as if she expects a
round of applause.
Starburst: What was that? I didn't catch that...
Crouton: Oh, he said, "Well, then that would explain all of the plants."
Starburst [smiling]: Oh yes. Aren't they lovely?
Gretzky: Ship's manifest shows that there is nobody on board by the name of
Zephiram Blake.
Starburst: Well, it wouldn't. I already told you that he doesn't use his
real name.
Crouton: What name does he use?
Highlander: Captain, she already said she didn't know. *tsk tsk*
Starburst: Well, I don't remember exactly. It's something violent though.
He got the violent streak from his father...
Highlander: Yes, I can't imagine him getting it from you...
Crouton: Number ONE!
Starburst: It was something like "Crosshatching" or something like that.
[Crouton and Highlander exchange a glance, and Soraya stands up suddenly from
the Science station.]
Soraya: Crossfire?
Starburst [snapping her fingers]: Yes! That's it!
[Crouton and Highlander look at each other again.]
Starburst: Well? Can he come and talk on the viewer thingy?
Crouton: Ah, we're sorry, Mrs...uh...Blake. Crossfire is currently on a
leave of absence.
Starburst: Oh. Well, that's all right. I'll catch up with him someday.
Highlander [smiling]: I'm sure you will.
Starburst: Well, it was nice talking to you. Bye-bye.
[She closes the channel, and the screen shows the planet again.]
Highlander [still smiling]: THAT was interesting.
Gretzky [sotto vocce]: Oh, I can't wait 'till he gets back...
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