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Date: Tue, 15 Oct 91 09:26:19 -0400
From: bryant@husc.harvard.edu (Katherine 'Kabeta' Bryant)
Message-Id: <9110151326.AA08436@husc9>
To: tcg@typhoon.ucar.EDU
Subject: Another Episode from the Heisenberg! (Part 1)  ***LONG*** 
Status: RO



This is by Amy Chused and Charles Dickson, aka Counselor Jiapa and Ensign Mreen.


>From chused@husc Mon Oct 14 20:52:06 1991
Date: Mon, 14 Oct 91 20:35:51 -0400
Subject: My first episode.


This is kind of a long episode so I'm mailing it in two parts.  I thought 
Jessica was off the list, and wasn't sure about Lucy and Carole, but they're
in the .forward so I'm assuming they'll get this.  I'm mailng this to ruth
sam and Michael Hutchings separately because they're each in it, and they're
not on the list.  Will someone make sure that the person who plays Ananda
gets a copy of this, and will Kath please forward this to any appropriate
mailing list?

Thanks, and without further ado, the story that Charles and I have been 
working on for the past four months...
******************
  Captain's log, stardate 201491. We are approaching the origin of 
  the distress signal from UFP trader "Nash", received several 
  minutes ago  of an unprovoked attack by an HVR warship 
  on that vessel. Knowing the level of armament on the "Lettuce" 
  class ships, I am afraid we won't find much left of the Nash when 
  we get there. We have proceeded at maximum Jolt warp and the crew 
  is on alert for whatever HVR problem we may encounter.
  
  maya: Sensors indicate both Nash and HVR ship dead ahead, stopped 
  in space.
  
  Captain Kabeta: Thank you. Take us out of warp, Lt. G' O' For'. 
  Shields up! 
  
  Screen: The main viewer shows the Nash in the bottom corner with 
  the HVR ship in the upper corner.  A tractor beam is emanating 
  from the Nash and seems to be holding the HVR ship together. 
  Pieces of the HVR ship are visible floating in space all around 
  the vessel.
  
  Captain Kabeta: Lt. G' O' Forever, open hailing frequencies to 
  the Nash.
  
  Lt. JG G' O' Forever: Yes, Captain. Hailing Frequencies open. 
  
  
  Kabeta: Nash, can you hear me? This is the USS Heisenberg, 
  responding to your distress call.
  
  From comlink: Commander Vygis Campe here. Boy am I glad to see 
  you, Captain. We were on our regular route to starbase LMC 2 when 
  this Rancher ship approached us at high warp and suddenly fired 
  on us. We responded immediately, although we only had phasers and 
  old-style photon torpedoes. The first shot we fired somehow 
  completely destroyed the ship; it dropped out of warp and we only 
  just managed to grab it with a tractor beam before it fell apart. 
  They must have had a weak part in their shields, because the 
  phaser damage was almost full power. We didn't mean to destroy 
  it. We're sorry.  
  
  Captain Kabeta: It's ok Commander. Just calm down. I mean, the 
  HVR did declare war on us after all. (aside to Chief Engineering 
  Officer and Science Officer) Tom, get a tractor beam on that 
  ship. I don't want to rely on the Nash's beam. And maya, get a 
  scan of that ship. (To the viewscreen) Commander Campe, in just a 
  minute we'll have the HVR ship in our tractor beams and we'll 
  take over from there. Are you undamaged?
  
  from comlink: Yes Captain, they only got in one shot and our 
  shields worked fine. We're shaken but undamaged. Thanks. (Pause) 
  Captain... (sounds even more worried) We didn't get a chance to 
  scan the HVR ship for the number of people on board before the 
  attack...
  
  Kabeta: Yes Commander? What is it?
  
  maya: Captain, hull integrity of the HVR ship has been maintained 
  by the tractor beam, and there is air on board. I'm reading only 
  one surviving lifeform however. It seems to be a child.
  
  Kabeta: Hoo Boy! (to comlink) OK, Commander Campe, we'll mop up 
  from here. Thank you for reacting so quickly and calling us. 
  Please stand by and transfer your ships logs starting from the 
  time of your first contact with the HVR ship.
  
  Campe (sounds relieved): Thank you, Captain. We'll transfer those 
  logs immediately. Nash out.
  
  Kabeta: Commander Scribonia, assemble an away team. This is 
  probably going to be nasty. Oh and make sure you take counselor 
  Jiapa with you.
  
  ************************************************************
  
  "Problem Child"
  
  Written By Amy Chused and Charles Dickson
  
  This episode takes place before maya and the Child-Like Wonder 
  left the Heisenberg.
  
  Starring:
  Katherine Bryant   as Captain Kabeta
  Lucy Hadden        as Commander Scribonia the Illegible
  Ethan Gershon      as Lt. JG G' O' Forever
  Jessica Polito     as Lt. maya
  Josh Brandon       as Lt. Cdr. yaz-pistashio
  Amy Chused         as Counselor Jiapa
  Michael Kleber     as Speaker For The Dead
  Natasha Bergson   as Ananda
  Kevin Wald         as Ensign Metag
  Tom Donaghey       as Lt. Cdr. Q. Torvald McDonagh
  Charles Dickson    as Ensign Mreen
  Angela Winner      as Lt. Thokk the Dismemberer
  Ruth Hertzman      as Dr Hertzman
  Will Brockman      as Lt. Guillaume de Fontaine
  Carole Stoops      as Lt. Carole Stoops
  Kendra Willson     as Lt. JG Kendragon, Ship's Gerbil
  Joanne Handwerger  as Polgara, Sorceress
  Sam Nelson         as The Child-Like Wonder
  Michael Hutchings  as Lt. JG Michael Hutchings, Insecurity 
  Officer
  
  Guest Starring:
  
  Johnny Depp        as Bloocheez Lite
  Vygis Campe        as Commander Campe
  herself            as Ensign Topaz
  Ed Begley, Jr.     as Bloocheez
  
  also starring:
  
  Ensign Redshirt         as himself
  Ensign CrimsonTunic     as himself
  Transporter Operator    as himself
  Desktop Commander       as himself
  
  
  Not Appearing, but a favorite character: Jez the Wonder Kitty
  
  Music by Kraftwerk
  Filmed on Super-8 home movie stock.
  
  *****************
  
  Scene -- a Ensigns' bedroom with Ensigns Redshirt and 
  CrimsonTunic sitting on the beds.
  
  Commander Scribonia: (on com) Jiapa, yaz, Speaker for the Dead 
  and Ananda, and Ensign Redshirt, report to the transporter room.
  
  Redshirt: Shit! That call was for me. Now I get to go out and 
  bleed all over again. Every single episode, it's the same thing. 
  It's really a shame they got that transporter memory thing 
  working. I'm getting tired of being converted into a plant or 
  something and then being brought back just the way I was.
  
  CrimsonTunic: Lucky me.  I don't have to go this time. I 
  guess they only needed one victim.
  
  Redshirt: Aw, blow it out your ass. They'll get you next.
  
  Commander Scribonia (from communicator) Also Ensign CrimsonTunic, 
  report to the transporter room as well.
  
  Redshirt: Bwah-ha-ha. You're gonna get toasted too. I bet you 
  bite it first.
  
  CrimsonTunic: I'll bet you a drink in Ten Forward you get toasted 
  first.
  
  Redshirt: You're on. Let's go.
  
  ****************
  scene change: on board the HVR ship. The seven of them beam into 
  position, wearing protective garments and headlights. Everyone 
  is armed with phasers except Counselor Jiapa and Speaker for the 
  Dead, who carry long staves. They pause for a moment to look at 
  the carnage and debris around them. The walls are torn and 
  cracked, large beams and pipes litter the floor, and bits of 
  metal and paper are scattered all about. The whole scene is 
  poorly lit by faint emergency lighting. 
  
  Scribonia: CrimsonTunic and Redshirt, you guys are the points. 
  CrimsonTunic, lead off and Redshirt, cover us with phasers. yaz 
  and Ananda, stay towards the center. Speaker and Counselor, hold 
  your staves at the ready. Any ideas where we should go first?
  
  Counselor Jiapa (manipulating a tricorder, 24th century style), 
  Well, there's still only one lifesign other than us. It's a 
  child, and it's that-away.
  
  Scribonia: Ok, that's where we'll go. If there's really only one 
  person on board, we'll put the ship in tow and explore it later 
  at our leisure. Oh, and we can give Ensign Metag something to 
  do, checking out this ship's artificial gravity.  But it 
  still seems to be working, doesn't it?  CrimsonTunic, lead off. 
  
  Everyone: general motions of agreement that the artificial 
  gravity is working. yaz jumps around a bit and the Counselor and 
  Speaker thump the ground with their staves and remain 
  floor-bound.
  
  Ensign CrimsonTunic, who has been trying to push open a door in 
  the direction indicated by Jiapa, manages to get it open and the 
  away team follows him out into a corridor. He leads off through 
  various parts of the ship, with Jiapa giving directions from the 
  Tricorder.
  
  Scribonia: Are you getting any other life sign readings 
  Counselor?
  
  Jiapa: No not yet. But have you noticed, we haven't encountered 
  any bodies yet?
  
  Speaker for the Dead: I've been looking in all of the rooms that 
  we go by, and I haven't seen anything.
  
  yaz: How strange. Do you suppose they all beamed to some other 
  location? That seems unlikely considering what we know of HVR 
  technology.
  
  Scribonia: Well, maybe we'll find something up ahead. We seem 
  to be heading towards the bridge.
  
  They stop at a set of red-painted sliding doors with a Rancher's 
  insignia painted in the center.
  
  Scribonia: CrimsonTunic, open the door carefully.
  
  CrimsonTunic pushes the door open slowly and peeks through the 
  crack, his phaser at the ready. As the door opens enough to 
  admit his head, a bucket of water splashes down on him. This 
  startles him so that he jerks the door the rest of the way open.
  
  a voice: EEEEEE_YAAAAAAAH!!!!
  
  A small foot lashes out and strikes CrimsonTunic in the shin. 
  Half blinded by the bucket and the water, he falls to the floor 
  in the doorway clutching his leg. He hits his bucket covered 
  head on the floor, knocking himself out cold. The rest of the 
  away team stands in a circle around the door, the Speaker and 
  Counselor with their staves raised and the rest of them holding 
  their phasers at the ready. In front of their eyes appears:
  
  A small Hidden Valley Rancher. If he were human he could be said 
  to be about 6 years old. He is wearing a plastic cowboy hat, a 
  bright new red bandanna around his neck, a flannel shirt, denim 
  jeans and knee-high plastic cowboy boots with bright shiny spurs. 
  The spurs have scratches at the edges where they look sharpened, 
  but are otherwise completely new. Under the edges of the hat can 
  be seen shaggy blonde hair, and his face is a mass of freckles. 
  
  The Kid: Oh Boy! Real Life Federation Wimps!
  
  Ensign Redshirt: Wimps?!
  
  The Kid: You Bet. Especially this guy here (he nudges 
  CrimsonTunic with his foot).
  
  Ensign Redshirt: (from behind, trying to get a glimpse of his 
  downed comrade) Yeah? We destroyed your ship didn't we? 
  
  Jiapa: Redshirt, shush.
  
  Kid: If it's so destroyed, how come it hasn't fallen apart?
  
  Redshirt: Because we're holding it together with our tractor 
  beam, squirt. Want us to turn it off?
  
  Kid: I dare you!
  
  Scribonia: Ensign!
  
  Redshirt (lower, as if to himself): Oh well. I don't take dares 
  from little brats who don't know a thing about politeness and 
  don't know when they're beat.
  
  Kid: Well, dickhead, you don't have politeness or brains. 
  (Turns and begins to shake a conduit against a nearby wall. Dust 
  begins to fall from the ceiling, and a metal plate comes down, 
  hitting Redshirt in the head with a loud CLANG.)
  
  Speaker: (conversationally to Ananda) This is why Scribonia took 
  Redshirt and CrimsonTunic. They always get into trouble and save 
  the rest of us from having to deal with it.
   
  Scribonia: Ok, everybody fan out! yaz, check out the bridge. 
  Jiapa, do something about this kid! (Tries to rouse CrimsonTunic 
  and Redshirt, unsuccessfully, then activates her communicator) 
  Transporter Officer, please transport Redshirt and CrimsonTunic 
  to the infirmary. Dr. Hertzman, prepare for Redshirt and 
  CrimsonTunic. 
  
  Dr. Hertzman (from communicator): AGAIN?! Geez, those two get 
  into more trouble.... Ah, here they are.
  
  Jiapa: (kneels down, tilts her head gently to the side and holds 
  her staff unobtrusively to her side.) Okay child, what's your 
  name?
  
  Kid: Not Telling! Who are you anyway?
  
  Jiapa: (oozing gentleness even more) My name is Counselor Jiapa. 
  This is Commander Scribonia and our Speaker for the Dead, 
  Michael, and his assistant Ananda. The man in the aviator helmet 
  is our science officer, yaz. Now, child, please tell us your 
  name.
  
  Kid: Look lady, I don't have to tell you anything. Just get off 
  my ship and leave me alone.
  
  Jiapa: (super-ooze. Even her shipmates are starting to look 
  mildly nauseous despite having seen this act before.) I know 
  you're lonely and scared because your ship was hurt. As soon as 
  you tell us your name we can start to help you. Now please help 
  us and give us your name.
  
  Kid: Lady, I don't need any help. 
  
  Ananda: Counselor, his name is Bloocheez Lite. Bloocheez is his 
  uncle and Lite is his nickname.
  
  Jiapa (shortly): Thank you Ananda. 
  
  Ananda (meekly): Sorry...
  
  Lite: Hey, how'd you know that?
  
  Jiapa: Ananda is occasionally telepathic. 
  
  Lite: Well, don't read MY mind.
  
  Ananda: I'm sorry Lite. I won't do it again.
  
  Jiapa: Now, Lite, 
  
  Lite: (moan) I hate that name.
  
  Jiapa: Well, whatever you want to be called, where are all the 
  other people from this ship?
  
  Lite: (innocently) *I* don't know.
  
  yaz (returning): Captain, the bridge is completely clear. The 
  rest of the ship seems to be empty too.
  
  Scribonia: Hmmm. yaz, do you think you could find out where the 
  crew went from the ship's auto-logs?
  
  yaz: Sure, if there was anything left of the main computer. All 
  of the terminals I've seen so far have been shorted out, and 
  besides, there isn't even power on this wreck. Your best bet is 
  to get engineering over here and see if they can salvage 
  anything.   
  
  Scribonia: Ok, I'll get Lt. McDonagh on it. You take the 
  Speaker and the Assistant to the Speaker and make one more search 
  of the ship. Jiapa, let's take young Lite back to the ship and 
  see if we can learn anything more from him. Heisenberg, three to 
  beam up.
  
  Lite groans again at the mention of his name as the transporter 
  beam activates
  
  **********
  
  Scene: Transporter Room. Scribonia, Jiapa, and Lite shimmer 
  into existence on the pad.
  
  Transporter Operator: Welcome back. So, this is the kid, hey? 
  
  He reaches out a hand to pat Lite on the head. Lite stares in 
  horror at Transporter Operator, then reaches up and grabs the 
  hand, biting down hard on it.
  
  Transporter Operator: OOOOOWWWWWW!
  
  Scribonia: (amused)  Transporter Operator, didn't anybody ever 
  teach you not to pet strange dogs?
  
  Jiapa: (also amused) Come on Lite, I'll show you what a real 
  Federation ship's counselor's room looks like!
  
  Lite: Oh boy. Thrills. (follows Jiapa out into the corridor, 
  looking over his shoulder at the Transporter Operator, who is 
  standing looking back at him, holding his hand.)
  
  In the corridor:
  
  Scribonia: Well Jiapa, are you planning on doing tests on the 
  boy?
  
  Jiapa: Oh yes. With such a young subject, I may be able to 
  learn a lot about Hidden Valley Rancher base psychology. When we 
  get to my cabin, we can play some games; won't that be fun, Lite? 
  Lite? (looks around). Uh-oh.
  
  *******
  
  Captain's Log, Stardate 201498. We have taken the remains of the 
  HVR fighter under tow and are proceeding to starbase LMC1. I 
  have absolved the crew of the Nash of any responsibility in the 
  incident, and they are free to continue on their regular trade 
  route. Review of the logs from the Nash show no measured 
  transporter activity from the HVR ship following their encounter 
  with it. On Scribonia's recommendation I'm having McDonagh and a 
  computer specialist sent over to recover the ship's logs, in 
  hopes we might learn what happened to the crew.
  
  ********
  Scene: HVR ship, engineering section. McDonagh, Ensign Mreen, 
  and Ensign Topaz, a harried looking female engineering assistant 
  beam in, along with several lumps of techno-gear.
  
  Mreen: Wow! This is great! Look at this place!
  
  McDonagh: Yeah, pretty well destroyed isn't it? Ensign Topaz, 
  see if you can locate one of the main power trunks.
  
  (Topaz pulls out a tricorder with several extra dials and 
  antennae on it and begins to lead the group through the rubble. 
  Mreen and McDonagh grab handles attached to the equipment and 
  trudge behind.)
  
  Mreen: No, I mean look at the technology! It's so old looking, 
  so cluttered and quaint. You know what this reminds me of? 
  Early 22nd century-level technology, you know, the constellation 
  class starships. I mean, even the styling; exposed bulkheads and 
  stuff. 
  
  McDonagh: Yeah, I guess you're right. It's a wonder they can 
  make Jolt-warp work.
  
  Mreen: Look, on that panel! A toggle switch!
  
  They stop in front of the panel. McDonagh throws the switch 
  thoughtfully. 
  
  Ensign Topaz: (From another room) Over here! This is it!
  
  McDonagh and Mreen pick up the stuff and round the corner.
  
  McDonagh: A Jeffries Tube?
  
  Topaz: Uh, ... yeah. I've pinged the system and found six 
  fault zones that can be cut off at the trunk level. I'll, uh, 
  check them out now if you want.
  
  McDonagh: Yeah, go ahead. (Crawls up the tube, grumbling.)
  
  Mreen busies himself ripping open a drawer containing computer 
  boards while the other two work. McDonagh crawls down after a 
  while, confers with Topaz, and unwinds a length of really thick 
  wire from one of the pieces of equipment, pulling it back up the 
  tube and attaching it somewhere inside.
  
  Ensign Topaz: Ok, the system's clear.
  
  McDonagh: Right. You ready for power over there?
  
  Mreen: Yeah. (Closes panel)
  
  McDonagh pulls a T-handle attached to a chord on the piece of 
  equipment, which roars to life. Lights blink on all over the 
  ship. The noise of the power source is deafening. Mreen gapes.
  
  Mreen: What the HELL? 
  
  McDonagh: Hey, it's from my private collection. Now, you've got 
  lights, computers, and life support; no navigation, turbo-lifts, 
  or engines. Can you deal? I need to get back to the ship.
  
  Mreen: Uh, fine. I'll just, uh move up to the bridge.  
  
  ********
  In the Artificial Gravity Room:
  
  Ensign Metag is sitting cross-legged in front of the artificial 
  gravity cube with a pensive, almost zen-like look on his face. 
  He sighs and once again begins:
  
  Metag: Pandora, initiate phase one testing.
  
  Pandora: How many times do we have to do this? I've already 
  tested this thing 36 times this week. It's working fine.
  
  Metag: Maybe it broke in the last 10 minutes. Maybe the HVR 
  ship emanated weird rays that interfered with it. Just do it, 
  initiate phase one testing.
  
  Lite oozes through the door, glancing over his shoulder, then 
  looking around with a satisfied expression. He sees Ensign Metag 
  before Metag sees him and scurries into a corner.
  
  Pandora: Beginning testing. Gradual increase.
  
  Ensign Metag sinks into the floor a bit and the hidden balance of 
  his zen-like position becomes obvious as his muscles tighten and 
  he remains seated. Lite, however, is flattened out in the corner 
  and seems to be unable to get up. He is very carefully quiet, 
  mostly because all his energy is centered on breathing.
  
  Pandora: Continuing testing. Gradual decrease.
  
  Ensign Metag's taut position becomes looser and looser as his 
  muscles relax from the tension and then he gradually floats into 
  the air, remaining calm while floating a few millimeters from the 
  floor. Lite, on the other hand, sprung up when the crushing 
  gravity was lifted, and when the gravity continued to decrease, 
  he flew into the air. He suddenly appears from behind the other 
  side of the gravity cube, startling the H*** out of Ensign Metag. 
  
  Lite: Woooooooah!!!!!
  
  Ensign Metag:  Pandora, identify floating creature.
  
  Pandora: That appears to be the newest arrival from the HVR ship, 
  Lite.
  
  Lite: I HATE that name!!!
  
  Pandora: He appears to be headed for a rendezvous with the 
  ceiling. Continuing phase one testing. Swift increase.
  
  Ensign Metag: HALT TESTING! Geez Pandora, don't you know better 
  than to initiate high gravity when there's a floating object in 
  the room? Especially a little kid!
  
  Lite: I am NOT a little kid!
  
  Pandora: You told me to initiate phase one testing. I told you 
  we shouldn't do it, but you told me too. You insisted even. But 
  all right. Phase one testing canceled.
  
  Lite: (Jumping around the low gravity room) WHEEEEE! This is 
  fun! Much better than that prissy counselor's `games'. 
  
  Ensign Metag: Pandora, initiate a gradual return to normal 
  gravity.
  
  Lite falls to the floor. He doesn't fall hard because the return 
  was gradual, but he is not happy.
  
  Lite: Hey, make the gravity go away again.
  
  Ensign Metag looks straight at Lite and acknowledges his presence 
  for the first time. 
  
  Metag: Why?
  
  Lite: Because it was fun.
  
  Metag: (reminiscing) I used to think gravity was fun.  
  Those were the days. (at Lite) What was fun about it?
  
  Lite: I could fly and jump and everything.  They never let 
  us... I mean I never tried to do that on my space station. Make 
  it go away again.
  
  Metag: Why should I?
  
  Lite: I told you to.
  
  Metag: Yes, but why should I obey you. Who are you?
  
  Lite: (Drawing himself up to his full 4 feet) I am Bloocheez 
  Lite, nephew and heir to Bloocheez! I tell you, peon, to turn 
  the gravity off again so that I may play.
  
  Metag (tremendously amused for the first time in ages): Well, 
  mister Bloocheez Lite, what if I'm tired of gravity? What if I 
  don't want to change the gravity again?
  
  Lite: You HAVE to do what I say. I've got a starship and I could 
  blow you up if you don't.
  
  Metag: (even more amused) Where?
  
  Lite: (stomping his foot) Outside, you idiot! They shot at me 
  and then that stupid J lady tried to kidnap me. But I escaped 
  and came here. And I order you to do what I say.
  
  Metag: That J Lady? Would that be Counselor Jiapa?
  
  Lite: Yeah, that's her name. Man, is she dumb.
  
  Metag: (instituting a poker face) Well, she didn't seem that 
  dumb when we were at the Academy together. Perhaps you didn't 
  give her a chance?
  
  Lite: She's an idiot, and I want to play with the gravity. What 
  makes the gravity?
  
  Metag: That cube is the gravity generator. Didn't you have one 
  on your ship?
  
  Lite: Yeah, but they wouldn't let me see, I mean, Yes, but I 
  couldn't be bothered to go inspect it.
  
  Metag: Well, this cube makes our gravity.
  
  Lite: How does it work?
  
  Metag: It would take far too long to explain. Simply, the cube 
  makes the gravity and these coils carry it all over the ship to 
  where it is needed.
  
  Lite climbs on top of the cube to see the coils Metag is pointing 
  to.
  
  Lite: These coils?
  
  Metag: Yes, those. This one carries the gravity to the bridge. 
  These two carry it to sickbay, and that one carries it to this 
  floor.
  
  Lite: Oh BOY!!!! I wanna float.
  
  He grabs hold of the indicated coil and starts to tug. Luckily 
  it is firmly attached to the cube and Lite can not even move the 
  coil.
  
  Metag: (smiling indulgently) I told you Lite, I control the 
  gravity.
  
  Lite looks over at Metag hollers: I want to FLOAT! Make it go 
  away.
  
  Metag: (wryly) Well, if you ate your mushrooms...
  
  Lite: (confusedly) What do veggies have to do with floating? 
  (forcefully) Don't change the subject, peasant! I told you, (an 
  escalating yell) I want to float and I want you to make the 
  gravity GO AWAY!!!
  
  Metag puts his hand to his head.
  
  Metag: Don't yell so loudly; you're giving me a headache. Let me 
  think a sec.
  
  Lite patiently waits all of 500 milliseconds before shouting...
  
  Lite: TURN OFF THE GRAVITY!!!
  
  Metag winces at Lite's volume which has echoed throughout the 
  small room. He is not used to children, and although he wants to 
  be friendly, he is especially not used to loud imperious 
  children.
  
  Metag: (calmer and slower than before, and gradually getting 
  quieter) I can't turn off the gravity, Lite. This gravity 
  controls the whole ship, and it would not be fair to everyone 
  else to turn off this gravity.
  
  Lite is jumping up and down on the cube, stomping on the 
  connecting coils. They are well attached, but this is still 
  making Metag nervous. He is also shouting FLOAT at the top of 
  his lungs. He pauses, however, when he hears the 'this gravity' 
  in Metag's statement.
  
  Lite: There's other gravity? Where I could turn it off and 
  float?
  
  Metag: (tremendously relieved to get a question instead of a yell 
  from Lite starts to answer thoughtfully) Why yes it's possible. 
  Commander yaz-pistashio has lowered gravity in his quarters.   
  (he stops to ponder how Lite could float) And if you really want 
  to float I suppose you could ask Pandora to make up a holodeck 
  for you...
  
  Lite doesn't even hear Metag's last sentence, however, for as 
  soon as he heard yaz's name, he jumps off the cube and dashes out 
  of the room. Metag looks up, sees that the kid is gone, shrugs, 
  and returns his attention to Pandora.
  
  Metag: Pandora, are there any other life forms in this room 
  besides me?
  
  Pandora: Nope.
  
  Metag: Then, Pandora, continue testing.
  
  Pandora: Do I have to?
  
  ********
  In the Hallway:
  
  Lite is walking down the hallway looking slightly confused. 
  Finally he shrugs and looks up.
  
  Lite: Computer?
  
  Pandora: Here I am, Lite. But my name is Pandora. How would you 
  like it if I called you Hidden Valley Rancher Kid?
  
  Lite: (muttering) Better than if you called me Lite! 
  
  Pandora: Fine. Bloocheez Junior, my name is Pandora. It's a 
  pleasure to meet you.
  
  Lite rolls his eyes.
  Lite: Pandora, tell me how to get to Commander yaz-pistashio's 
  quarters.
  
  Pandora (lighting a trail) Just follow the purple light. But I 
  wouldn't disturb him right now. He's in the middle of a tricky 
  3-D puzzle and he won't want to be disturbed. 
  
  Lite: Does he have his gravity off?
  
  Pandora: Well of course. How else could he get the puzzle pieces 
  to stay in place before it's done?
  
  Lite (setting off after the guide light) Thanks.
  
  ********
  yaz's quarters
  
  yaz is floating in the middle of the room with a big three 
  dimensional puzzle surrounding him. It has the appearance of a 
  partially filled in sphere. In fact, from the parts that are 
  complete, it looks amazingly like the top several layers of the 
  earth. yaz has the remaining puzzle pieces in a clump in front 
  of him, and he is holding a greenish blue piece and talking to 
  himself.
  
  yaz: Now where does this piece go? The top land pieces are easy, 
  with their country markers, but this greenish blue... It could be 
  an ocean piece with algae under it, or it could one of the metal 
  layers lower down. Hmm. At this rate it'll take me months to 
  finish this puzzle. But it'll be beautiful when it's done.
  
  The doorbell chimes **ding**
  
  yaz: Come.
  
  The door opens and Lite steps through. The force of his first 
  step in the no gravity room throws him towards the ceiling and he 
  grabs hold of the light fixture.
  
  Lite: WHEEE!
  
  yaz looks up from his position in the middle of the puzzle. He 
  has to move slowly so as not to throw himself through the puzzle 
  (there is an opening at the top to get in and out, but the rest 
  of the puzzle is only partially completed and a kick would 
  completely mess up the pieces). 
  
  yaz: Watch out! Don't touch the puzzle!
  
  Lite: (pushing off from the ceiling towards yaz) What puzzle? 
  Oh, those floating things? I've never seen a puzzle like this 
  before. 
  
  His push from the ceiling was soft, so that he is not going very 
  fast, but he is, unfortunately, floating in the direction of the 
  puzzle. yaz sees this and opens his mouth to scream, then winces 
  and holds out his hands to protect himself from Lite's impact.
  
  Lite: (as he pushes through one side of the puzzle, scattering 
  pieces in his wake) Oh, this puzzle. Oops.
  
  His flight continues as he crashes into yaz. The added momentum 
  pushes both Lite and yaz through the other side of the puzzle. 
  The pieces are now scattered all over the room and moving in 
  different directions. Almost none of them are floating in place.
  
  Lite and yaz crash into the floor and would have bounced back 
  except that yaz manages to grab both the floor and Lite. He 
  looks around at the wreckage of his puzzle, and his sorrow is 
  replaced by anger.
  
  yaz: How did you get loose? And why are you here?!!!! What the 
  HECK did you think you were doing?
  
  Lite: I'm Lite, I mean, I'm Bloocheez Lite, nephew and heir to 
  Bloocheez! I was talking to the guy with the gravity cube but he 
  refused to turn off the gravity for me to play with and finally 
  he told me to come here cuz you had no gravity.  
  
  yaz: Great. I wonder what Metag was thinking when he sent you 
  here. In any case, Mister Lite, you are in big trouble now.
  
  Lite squirms out of yaz's grip and gives a big kick off the 
  floor. Unfortunately, at this location, the floor is the same as 
  yaz's gut.
  
  yaz: ULP!
  
  Lite: WHEEEEEEE!
  
  Lite caroms off the walls and ceiling while yaz moans on the 
  floor. On the rebound he knocks a flailing arm into a glass 
  figurine which was sitting in a cubby, but unfortunately, not far 
  enough into the cubby. The sight of his precious figurine 
  bouncing off the walls is enough to move yaz despite his aching 
  gut. He pulls himself up and catches the figurine. Just then 
  Lite bounces again and hits yaz's arm, throwing the figurine off 
  again into a wall where one of its fingers gets chipped off. yaz 
  is steaming now; he grabs Lite's collar with one hand, and the 
  figurine with the other. He straightens himself a bit and calls 
  out.
  
  yaz: Gravity on!
  
  yaz replaces the figurine in the cubby and turns his attention on 
  Lite, shaking slightly in his fury.
  
  Lite: Why'd you turn on the gravity? I already said I was sorry 
  for wrecking your puzzle. Geez, what's the big deal. Turn the 
  gravity back off so I can play. 
  
  yaz: (carefully trying to restrain his anger) Lite, you are going 
  to go to the library and read a good book or something until 
  Jiapa gets you. More importantly, you are LEAVING my room. 
  Pandora, show him the way to the library.  Door, open.
  
  The door slides open and yaz, still holding Lite by his collar 
  and belt loop, frogmarches Lite to the door and throws him 
  outside.
  
  yaz (ic): Jiapa, your HVR brat, Lite, came by here and trashed my 
  puzzle. I've sent him to the library, so go get him. And don't 
  let me see him again.
  
  
  ********
  Scene: Transporter Room. Transporter Operator is slouching 
  against the console, bored out of his skull. That is, until the 
  doors whoosh open unexpectedly.
  
  Lite: Hi pardner! You'll play with me, right?
  
  Transporter Operator: AAAAAAGH!  You!  Get away from me you 
  little monster!
  
  Lite: Alright! Finally some respect! (to Transporter 
  Operator:) What's the matter dude? Afraid of a little kid?
  
  Transporter Operator: What, me afraid? You bet! You just stay 
  over there and everything will be just fine! (Runs to put the 
  console between him and Lite.) How about if we get some nice 
  security people down here to play with you? 
  
  Lite: I wanna play with YOU!  (Runs around the console at 
  Transporter Operator, tackling him in a tangle of arms and legs)
  
  Sound effects: Ooof! Thud! Crunch!
  
  Transporter Operator: Yaaaa! Jeez kid! Those spurs are sharp! 
  (Gets up and runs to the other side of the console, holding his 
  side.)
  
  Lite: Yeah! What a great idea! I can play horsy with you!
  
  Transporter Operator: Oh, (pant! pant!) you want to play 
  horsy? Well, come on over then little tyke. You get one ride on 
  uncle Transporter Operator's back. (Kneels down)
  
  Lite: Oh Boy! (runs around and climbs on. Transporter Operator 
  stands up suddenly) Whoa! Hey bean-brains! This isn't supposed 
  to be a bucking bronco ride! Yaaaa! 
  
  Transporter Operator does an expert pinwheel-backflip and throws 
  Lite across the room.
  
  Transporter Operator: Ha! Thought you got me didn't you! Well 
  I'm gonna send you where you are going to bother anybody again! 
  (Stabs a button on the console, and Lite, who conveniently landed 
  on the transporter pad, melts away in the glow of the transporter 
  beam.)
  
  ********
  
  Scene: Hallway. Jiapa is walking tiredly down a hallway, and is 
  joined by Scribonia, who comes out of a crew lounge.
  
  Scribonia: Hi! Having any luck finding the kid?
  
  Jiapa: Ha! He's gotta have rockets on his boots! Every time I 
  get the computer to locate him, by the time I get there he's gone 
  already! 
  
  Scribonia: Well, the first sign you get that he's causing 
  trouble, call security. I'm not sure I like him running loose on 
  the ship; I mean, he is a Hidden Valley Rancher you know.
  
  Jiapa: What, Lite? He's just a kid. He just seems to be real 
  hyperactive, that's all. Well, he's supposed to be around here 
  somewhere. (to ic:) Computer, locate Bloocheez Lite!
  
  Computer: Bloocheez Lite is not on the Heisenberg.
  
  Jiapa and Scribonia look at each other.
  
  Jiapa: Uh oh.
  
  ********
  Scene HVR ship, bridge. Mreen sits in a pile of wires, test 
  equipment, and probes spilling out from an opened panel. Ensign 
  Topaz lounges in the overstuffed captain's chair, swiveling 
  around with one foot, and picking at a fingernail.
  
  Mreen: Yeah, this storage crystal system can take practically a 
  direct hit and retain the data. Really, one of the most robust 
  technologies ever invented. Too bad the storage capacity is so 
  stinky, or we'd still be using it. I dunno about these HVR guys, 
  I mean who in their right mind would run the secondary frequency 
  at more than twice the primary, I don't know.  Well, I guess 
  we'll have to just use it that way, it would take too long to 
  change it around. (welds a few more leads on.)
  
  Suddenly the transporter beam glows in the bridge. Topaz and 
  Mreen look up to see Lite, in a rather flat prone position beam 
  in. He gets up and slowly dusts himself off before spotting the 
  two. He shakes his spurs defiantly.
  
  Lite: Yessir, it's good to be back! I had enough of that stupid 
  federation ship, yes sirree!
  
  Mreen: Oh, it's that kid that they found here when we arrived.
  
  Topaz: (getting up and going over to Lite) Hi there little boy! 
  What's your name? 
  
  Lite: Hmmph! Who are you? You weren't sitting in my captain's 
  chair, were you?
  
  Topaz: Your chair? Where is the rest of the crew, little boy? 
  Were you sent here alone?
  
  Lite: No! I mean, yes. I mean...Hey! You're trying to get me 
  to talk, aren't you!
  
  Topaz: You mean they didn't find out over on the ship? What are 
  you doing here?
  
  Lite: I'm a Rancher, lady, and I don't have to talk to you! 
  Just don't let me catch you in my chair again or I'll have to get 
  tough!
  
  Topaz: Oh that's cute! What is your name?
  
  Lite: (looking around to find something to pay attention to 
  besides Ensign Topaz, and spotting Mreen) HEY! What are you 
  doing over there? (rushes over)
  
  Mreen: Well kid, this is complex computer stuff. You probably 
  wouldn't be able to understand it.
  
  Lite: Yeah, right. It looks like...uh...you're, uh, soldering 
  wires to a computer console?
  
  Mreen: Very good! Except I'm using molecular bonding since the 
  traces here are made of a deposited polysilicate material. You 
  see, I'm bridging corrupted sections of the main core and also 
  inserting inductive probes into the circuits to check for logical 
  discontinuities which would indicate recessive damage to the 
  cybercrystal circuits, which might have occurred as a result of 
  some of the high energy arcs that apparently occurred in this 
  console. But probably not.
  
  Lite: Uh, right. Why don't you just turn it on?
  
  Mreen:  Very Funny! Look at all that carbon in there! 
  Doesn't that tell you something? Besides, I need half of this 
  equipment just to map out the controls on this damn panel! Don't 
  you guys ever label anything?
  
  Lite: Ha! You Federation pantywaist! Only wimps label their 
  switches. Stand aside, I'll fix this for you! (jumps up on the 
  console and starts to throw all the switches he can get his hands 
  on)
  
  Mreen: WAIT! AAAAAGH!
  
  Sound effects: Explosions and spark sounds. The lights dim for 
  a second.  Mreen, who had both his arms in the repair panel, 
  jumps out angrily and stares at his hands for a second to make 
  sure he's okay. Topaz looks over his shoulder
  
  Mreen: Now what did you do that for?
  
  Lite: Sorry! Jeez, don't get so touchy! (jumps down and runs 
  across the bridge) I'll just stand over here, okay? I won't be 
  any more trouble, honest!
  
  Mreen: Yeah. Right. 
  
  Topaz: You know, I think you should be sent back over to the 
  ship. This is really no place for a kid to be playing. What 
  reason could they have had for beaming you over in the first 
  place?
  
  Lite: No! No! Don't make me go back there! Uh, they told me I 
  could stay here as long as I didn't bother anybody! I'll just 
  stand here and not touch anything more, okay?
  
  Topaz: Well, okay... Just stay RIGHT there.  Let me look at 
  your hands, Mreen. I can get the first aid kit if you have any 
  burns. 
  
  She turns towards Mreen, and as soon as their backs are to him, 
  Lite jumps on a chair and starts throwing switches and pushing 
  buttons on the panel he is near. Nothing happens. He dashes 
  over to the next one and tries that, with the same results.
  
  Lite: (Wailing) Hey! They're all dead! I thought you fixed the 
  ship!
  
  Mreen: Those are the navigation controls, shorty. What did you 
  think you were doing?
  
  Lite: I don't want to stay here any more! This is no fun!
  
  Topaz: I'm sure we can arrange that, young man! (touches 
  communicator) Topaz to Heisenberg!
  
  Lite: Don't bother, lady! I don't need your stinking 
  transporter! (runs over to another panel which is showing some 
  lights and pushes some slide switches up and down, then runs over 
  to a gold plated disk in a corner of the bridge where a 
  transporter beam is starting to take shape) And don't sit in my 
  chair! (shimmers out of existence)
  
  G. O'for: This is the ship! What's going on over there?
  
  Topaz: Never mind, Heisenberg. Topaz out.
  
  Mreen: Well! He sure seemed smarter than he looks, didn't he? 
  I wonder how much of that he did on purpose?
  
  Topaz: At least he's gone. Kids! Did he mess up the computer 
  too much?
  
  Mreen: Yeah, but its only molybdenum storage crystal. Come on, 
  give me a hand. I'm sure we can get it going again. (flirt, 
  flirt)
  
  ********
  
  Scene: Jiapa is walking worriedly down a corridor, glancing down 
  connecting hallways as she goes. Suddenly she stops, looks up, 
  and her finger shoots up in the air.
  
  Jiapa: Aha! Pandora, please give me the LAST RECORDED location 
  for Bloocheez Lite.
  
  Computer: Lite was last aboard ship in the transporter room.
  
  Jiapa: Now we're getting somewhere! (breaks into a run for the 
  transporter room)
  
  Transporter Operator looks up startled as Jiapa enters. 
  
  Jiapa: You! Did you see the HVR kid come in here?
  
  Transporter Operator: (Trying to compose himself with a clever 
  look on his face.) Why yes, he did come in here.
  
  Jiapa: You were here? What happened?
  
  Transporter Operator: That kid is quite a terror, you know. He 
  knocked me down and tried to ride on my back, and he had these 
  silly spurs...
  
  Jiapa: What? Did you do something to him?
  
  Transporter Operator: Well, I to defend myself, you know...
  
  Jiapa: Did you beam him somewhere?
  
  Transporter Operator: Well, it was just in service to the ship! 
  That kid...
  
  Jiapa: (paling) You didn't beam him out into space, did you?
  
  Transporter Operator: Oh no! I beamed him over to the HVR ship! 
  Where he'll be no tribble at all! (beams)
  
  Jiapa cracks him on the head with her staff.
  
  Jiapa: I am not amused. Get him over here NOW!
  
  Transporter Operator: (simpering over to the console) Jeez... 
  (after looking at the instruments for a second) Uh oh. I'm not 
  reading him over there.
  
  Jiapa: WHAT??!!!
  
  Scribonia (ic): Counselor, We just picked up transporter 
  activity from the HVR ship. Lite is now locatable on the 
  Heisenberg. 
  
  Jiapa (hits ic): Thanks! Alert security and have them capture 
  him.
  
  *******
  
  Scene: Sickbay. Dr. Hertzman is sitting at a desk in the outer 
  office. There is a commotion and Redshirt staggers out followed 
  by a nurse who is apparently helping him along.
  
  Hertzman: Well! You're finally up. About ready to return to 
  duty?
  
  CrimsonTunic appears, pulling himself along the doorway behind 
  Redshirt.
  
  Redshirt: Yeah...I don't remember much about what happened on 
  the ship...
  
  Hertzman: Yeah, well I decided to treat your localized amnesia 
  with drugs since you guys aren't high enough priority for the 
  field manipulator. Don't worry, it will all come back by 
  tomorrow.
  
  Redshirt: Ok, well, could you tell me, uh us how we died?
  
  Hertzman: Died? You didn't die! You both got hit on the head! 
  Really! You two!
  
  Redshirt: Ah yes, yes. Hit on the head you say? Ok. Uh, well, 
  we have just one more teeny little question, if you don't mind...
  
  Hertzman: (Through gritted teeth) Yes, what is it?
  
  CrimsonTunic: Which one of us got hit on the head first?
  
  ********
  
  Scene: Lite is sneaking down a corridor on the Heisenberg.  
  Stealthily rounding a corridor he collides with the left leg of 
  the ship's barbarian.
  
  Sound Effects: wood knocker hit. Thud.
  
  Lite: (sitting on the floor) Whoa! Wha' hit me?
  
  Thokk: I was just asking myself the same question, little one. 
  (Rustles around in his bearskin tunic, producing a folded piece 
  of computer hardcopy with a picture on it) Aha! I thought I 
  recognized you.
  
  Lite:  Uh oh. That's not usually a good sign. (points over 
  Thokk's Shoulder) Look! A moose!
  
  Thokk: What? Moose not silly enough to be on this ship! (Looks 
  for a second, then turns back around to see Lite tearing off down 
  the corridor)  Clever boy! ...Grrrrrrraaaauuugggghhhhh! (Tenses, 
  then leaps the distance between them, bringing Lite down in a 
  rolling tackle. As the dust clears, he stands up victoriously 
  with Lite over one shoulder.) 
  
  Thokk: Gotcha! You're going to the library, young man!