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Date: Tue, 15 Oct 91 09:26:41 -0400
From: bryant@husc.harvard.edu (Katherine 'Kabeta' Bryant)
Message-Id: <9110151326.AA08456@husc9>
To: tcg@typhoon.ucar.EDU
Subject: Part 2 of Jiapa and Mreen's Episode!  ***LONG***
Status: RO



From: chused (Amy Chused)
Subject: my first episode, part 2

  
  *********************
  
  Captain's Log, stardate 48637 PM: I have been captured and 
  detained on an alien ship in which everybody seems to think I 
  belong in the library for some reason. I am currently plotting 
  my escape and the completion of my secret mission.
  
  *********************
  
  Scene: Library. This is a large room with several tables and 
  even more comfy chairs scattered about. On two walls stand 
  shelves of precious paper books behind locked glass doors (The 
  Head Librarian has the key, and is generous about lending them, 
  but locking is star fleet policy). To the side of the entrance 
  stands a rack of readers and a bin of returned books (to the 20th 
  century eye they would look like disks). Several terminals are 
  in use; one is in the process of dispensing a disk. The Head 
  Librarian and the Music Coordinator are standing at a far table 
  with several sheets of paper in front of them. 
  
  At a table at the far end, Lite sits in a chair squeezed against 
  the wall, with a book open on the table in front of him. Across 
  the table, his huge bulk blocking any way out, Thokk sloowwwly 
  scans through a copy of 'Elementary Food Machine Operation', 
  looking up every once in a while at his prisoner. Lite very 
  carefully rips a corner off of one of the pages in his book, 
  making as little noise as possible and with his eyes on Thokk the 
  entire time. He balls it up, and puts it in his mouth. 
  
  Sound Effect: Ptoo!
  
  Thokk: (looking up from his book) What was that?
  
  Lite: Wasn't me! What, did something happen?
  
  Thokk rumbles annoyedly, and goes back to his manual. Lite 
  begins to tear at another corner of his book.
  
  At the other side of the room, the Head Librarian Guillaume and 
  Music Coordinator Stoops are arguing about the filing of new 
  music.  Bits of the conversation drift over, and Lite pricks up 
  his ears trying to listen to it.
  
  Guillaume: This piece by Renee Serendipity goes nicely with his 
  previous works. We can file them under Modern Dissonance: Renee 
  Serendipity: Opus 13.
  
  Stoops: Are you out of your mind? This is a complete departure 
  from anything he's done before. Just feel the tonality 
  underlying the discord. It's even got a hummmmmmable tune. (She 
  demonstrates). I think we should file it under Subter-fugue, 
  with a link to his previous works.
  
  Guillaume: Do you know how much maintenance needs to be done on 
  those annoying links? Minutes of computer time every single day!
  
  Lite, on hearing "Subter-fugue" perks up. He fires another 
  spitball, which sticks to Thokk's face just under his left eye.
  
  Thokk: What? What was that? (picks it off his face)
  
  Lite: Nothing! Wasn't me! There's something dripping down from 
  the ceiling!
  
  Thokk: This looks like an irregularly shaped piece of flat 
  cellulose, which has been crumpled up and dipped in some sort of 
  liquid. (looks suspiciously at Lite, then suddenly shoots a 
  burly arm across the table and clamps a hand around his throat, 
  pulling him out of the chair a few inches)  This isn't a 
  spitball, is it?
  
  Lite: 
  
  Thokk: Good. Don't do it again. (Lets go. Lite slides down 
  into his chair and feels his neck carefully)
  
  On the other side of the room:
  
  Stoops: Look, you asked for my help in classifying these things. 
  If you don't want it, just tell me and I'll take my expertise and 
  information elsewhere.
  
  Guillaume: No, no. I do want your help. We'll do the link. 
  It's fine. But what do I do about this bugs stuff? 
  
  Stoops: Bugs?
  
  Guillaume: Apparently these were popular songs 400 years ago, 
  but got lost during the Eugenics wars. The Eugenics leaders 
  thought the songs corrupted youth from self-improvement. 
  
  Stoops: Oh, Beatles. (she laughs)
  
  On "Eugenics wars" Lite carefully resumes his ripping, checking 
  extra carefully before shooting another spitball at the 
  barbarian.
  
  Thokk: What! What's going on here! I saw you that time, little 
  shrimp! You really what your head ripped off or not?
  
  Lite: Really! I didn't do it! It was somebody else! (looks 
  around, but there isn't even anybody else at their end of the 
  library.) Don't hit me! I won't do it again.
  
  Guillaume: Hey! Tho-okk! Quiet in the library!
  
  Thokk: Sorry. Won't happen again. 
  
  Thokk glowers over the kid for about a minute, then slowly sits 
  down staring at Lite for another two minutes. 
  
  Guillaume: Beatles, Bugs, whatever... this is some kind of old 
  recording, from some vinyl disc recording media which they 
  discovered recently. Something about "the original listening 
  experience" or some fool nonsense, and now we get to file it. It 
  doesn't go under show tunes. It is not at all dissonant. It's 
  not current popular music. I suppose I could file it under 
  historical music, but then I have to specify non-classical.
  
  Stoops: Trust me, file it under popular songs, singable. It's 
  good stuff...
  
  Thokk finally glances down. Lite's fingers creep towards the 
  pages of the book. He starts to rip.
  
  Thokk: (Lunging over the table for Lite in a blind rage) 
  AAAARRRGGGGHHHH!
  
  Lite: IIIIEEEE! (Ducks under the table, scrambling out from 
  underneath on the other side. Thokk's legs wave over the edge of 
  the table, but he is now wedged, head first, between it and the 
  wall, and unfortunately it is bolted down.)
  
  Guillaume: (looking up) Hey, what's happening over there?! 
  Quiet!...?
  
  It's too late. Lite is charging over from the other side of the 
  room, and manages to impact both people with a crash and a flurry 
  of papers. Lite grabs the remaining pages of sheet music from 
  the counter and shoots out the door with a whoop. Guillaume and 
  Stoops slowly get up from under the table.
  
  Guillaume: What was that?
  
  ********
  
  Lite runs pell mell down a corridor with a double fistful of 
  papers, eventually stopping in a short section off of the main 
  hallway which curves around so that it is partially hidden.
  
  Lite: (pant! pant!) Ha ha ha! They can't hold Bloocheez the 
  Second, future destroyer of the entire Federation Empire! And 
  now I've got their secret papers! I just have to get them back 
  to the Hidden Valley Ranch and I'll be a hero. (Stops to get his 
  breath, and looks at the sheets) What's this? MUSIC? Those 
  wimps! Aagh!
  
  He jumps around waving his fists for a minute, then stops and 
  drops down to one knee and pulls a match from his boot.
  
  Lite: I better destroy these anyhow. It might be some kind of 
  code. (Strikes the match on the wall and touches it to the 
  paper. Unfortunately, the fire extinguisher ports from the 
  ceiling jump to life, and a powerful stream of pseudo-water is 
  directed at the flame, soaking Lite as well. A thoroughly 
  miserable wet lump, Lite nonetheless huddles over the soggy 
  papers, industriously ripping them into little pieces. Suddenly, 
  the door to at the end of the corridor opens and Lite jumps up 
  and runs back into the hall, leaving the pile of scraps behind.)
  
  From the edge of the door, which slid open only a tiny way, a 
  little nose pokes out timidly. After a couple of sniffs, the 
  whole head comes through, revealing the Ship's Gerbil, who looks 
  around fearfully, then spies the mass of shredded paper on the 
  floor. The pseudo-water is already beginning to dry from the 
  carpet and walls.
  
  Kendragon: What? What's this? (stoops to pick the paper up) 
  Why, how could they do this? And right by my door, too! 
  
  She rushes out into the corridor. Guillaume and Stoops are just 
  coming up.
  
  Kendragon: What is the meaning of this?!! 
  
  Guillaume: Oh no, the music!
  
  Stoops: (To Guillaume) Gee, I hope you're going to recycle that.
  
  Guillaume glares at Stoops. (to Kendragon) What do you mean?
  
  Kendragon: You could have at least asked me first if you wanted 
  some paper shredded! It's my prerogative as Ship's Gerbil! Why 
  I even issued a memo on proper disposal of paper...wait a minute, 
  I ripped that up accidentally before I could scan it...But did 
  you do this?
  
  Guillaume: No, it must have been the HVR child. You can just 
  see his tracks going off that way.
  
  Stoops: Let's get him! Quickly, the tracks are fading!
  
  *************
  
  Scene: Corridor. Lite is running down the hall, rapidly putting 
  distance between himself and the people chasing him. Suddenly he 
  rounds a corner and sees a tall stately and terrifying-looking 
  woman in a white gown with long black hair with a white streak in 
  it. Lite tries to stop, but unfortunately skids right into her. 
  She graciously grabs him without even dropping her staff and 
  smiles.
  
  Polgara: Hello Lite.
  
  Lite: Who are you?
  
  Polgara: I am Polgara, the ship's sorceress. Tell me, Lite, are 
  you a good boy or a bad boy?
  
  Lite: Why,  I'm the biggest, baddest hombre this side of 
  the Hidden Valley Ranch! Uh, ...why did you ask?
  
  Polgara: Oh dear, Lite! That was a bad answer.  You see, if you 
  are a good boy, I'll magic up some sweets. And if you are a bad 
  boy, I'll turn you into a newt. And if you lie, I'll turn you 
  into a newt with chicken pox.
  
  Lite: I ... uh ... I I'm a good boy. Yeah!
  
  Lite hurriedly rips himself free of the sorceress and goes 
  running down the corridor even faster than he came.
  
  ********
     
  Scene: Engineering Room. The setting is calm, with technicians 
  standing at various colorful consoles describing engine 
  performance.
  
  McDonagh is giving some kind of lecture to a trapped looking 
  underling. He is waving a long pointer around in the air with 
  great swooshing sounds. For some reason he is wearing an Indian 
  headdress. In the distance, the sound of spurs can be heard 
  approaching down a corridor, and then Lite runs in as if being 
  chased. He stops and feels his face hesitantly. Then he looks 
  around and spies McDonagh and dashes towards him.
  
  McDonagh: Well, if it isn't the Lone Ranger. (reaches into a 
  pocket and pulls out his rubber chicken, holding it in front of 
  Lite just as he is a foot away) Here kid, play with this!
  
  Lite: (Screeching to a halt) What? What's this?
  
  McDonagh: It's a rubber chicken boy? Ain't you ever seen a 
  rubber chicken before? Be careful kid, it's slightly 
  radioactive. (Turns back to the underling) Now as I was 
  saying...
  
  Lite: Mister?
  
  McDonagh: It's simply a matter of two eggs
  
  Lite: Mister?
  
  McDonagh: Beat lightly
  
  Lite: Mister?
  
  McDonagh: Salt and pepper to taste.
  
  Lite: Mister?
  
  McDonagh: What? What IS it kid?
  
  Lite: I'm done with your chicken, mister. It didn't taste too 
  good.
  
  McDonagh: (takes it) You...bit...the....head....off? (stares 
  into space for a second, then whirls around to find Lite) Why 
  you little.....
   
  Lite: (in front of a console) Oh boy! Look at all these great 
  buttons and knobs! (twist, twist, twist)
   
  McDonagh: Oh no kid! Those are the antimatter controls!
   
  Lights in engineering suddenly turn red. Steam starts billowing 
  and through the din a mechanical Computer Voices shouts 
  "Engineering Alert! Antimatter venting in progress! Irreversible 
  process!"
   
  McDonagh: Oh no! Geez! Ensign Quartz! Quick, try to bypass the 
  core reaction motors by reversing the secondary interface 
  controls! (picks up a spanner but the trick handle wilts in his 
  hand)
   
  Kabeta (ic): Engineering! What's going on down there?
   
  McDonagh: It's that damned HVR kid! He started fiddling with the 
  controls and started an antimatter core dump!
   
  Kabeta (puzzled): But, we don't use antimatter for hardly 
  anything on this ship, do we?
   
  McDonagh (hotly): Well, it's still antimatter, isn't it? Geez! It 
  powers important stuff you know! Look, next time you try your 
  automatic bread maker and it doesn't go on, don't come crying to 
  me about antimatter! (hits intercom off) Captains! Always think 
  they know everything about engineering. Now where'd that kid go? 
  Nuts! Did we manage to save the antimatter, Ensign?
  
  ***************
  
  Scene: On Board the HVR ship
  
  Mreen and Topaz sit side by side in front of the computer 
  console, from which even more wires emerge. They now go into a 
  box covered with slick-looking Federation controls, which in turn 
  is attached to a tricorder.
  
  Topaz: Alright, start the data transfer now.
  
  Mreen: Right. (flips a couple of switches) Here it comes. 
  Using a tricorder for data storage was a beautiful idea, Topaz! 
  (flirt, flirt) This way we don't have to mess around with all 
  the stupid HVR communications equipment to transfer it to the 
  Heisenberg!
  
  Topaz: Thank you! But the best part is we can review it with 
  the tricorder while it's being transferred.   Come on over and 
  let's look at the screen. It's about at the time of the attack.
  
  They crowd around the tiny instrument, and from the speaker on 
  the tricorder can be heard the sounds of phaser shots, then a 
  tiny "YEEEE - HAW!"  Mreen and Topaz look up at each other and 
  grin.
  
  *************
  
  Scene: Corridor
  
  The Child-like Wonder and the Insecurity Officer are juggling 
  together as they walk down the hall.
  
  Child-Like Wonder: Ok, pal, are you ready for the 7th ball? A 
  full rainbow of colors looks awfully neat.
  
  Insecurity Officer: Sure, I can handle a 7th no problem. 
  Juggling is easy.
  
  Their hands continue to move, and the 7 colored balls fly across 
  the hall as the two of them side-step down the hall.
  
  Insecurity Officer: What'd be neat is to use various bits of 
  fruit for the different colors. Apples for red and green, maybe 
  a peeled orange for orange, you know. Then we could eat them 
  when we're done.
  
  Child-Like Wonder: Our hands would get awfully sticky juggling a 
  peeled orange.
  
  Insecurity Officer: Yeah, but how could we eat an unpeeled 
  orange? I suppose we could peel it with our teeth, and then eat 
  it, but we'd still have to juggle the half-peeled fruit a bit. 
  We'll need to practice to make it look graceful, but I'm sure we 
  can do it.
  
  Child-Like Wonder: Yeah, I kinda like it. Let's go to the 
  holodeck and practice out of sight for a bit.
  
  Lite suddenly bursts upon the scene, rounding a corner and 
  screeching to a halt in front of the pair.
  
  Lite: What are you doing?
  
  Child-Like Wonder: We're juggling. Have you ever seen anybody 
  juggle before?
  
  Lite: Nooo. It looks pretty easy though. Let me try!
  
  Child-Like Wonder: Of course it's easy. But you'd better just 
  start with three balls. Here! (He wings three of the seven 
  balls out of the air, directing them towards Lite, who manages to 
  catch them with some surprise. The Insecurity Officer settles 
  back against the wall, keeping the remaining four balls in the 
  air between him and the Child-Like Wonder) Just try to keep two 
  in the air, passing the one you catch to the other hand and 
  throwing it up again, kind of like I'm doing here.
  
  Lite: (pout) I wanna do seven.
  
  Child-Like Wonder: Sure, just try the three for me, and then 
  I'll feed the rest to you as you go along.
  
  Lite: Okay! (Throws one ball up, but can't decide what to do 
  with the other two, and looks down to figure it out just as the 
  first one comes down.) 
  
  Lite: Ok, that was practice. (tries again) (tries again) 
  (tries again, throwing harder) (throws the balls down the hall in 
  frustration) THIS IS STUPID! 
  
  Child-Like Wonder: What's the problem? Juggling's easy! Come 
  on, try it again.
  
  Lite: NO! THIS IS STUPID! (jumps up and grabs one of the four 
  balls in midair and heaves it down the hall)
  
  Insecurity Officer: Trio.
  
  Lite jumps up and grabs another, throwing it down the hall in the 
  other direction.
  
  Insecurity Officer: Duet.
  
  His arms waving madly, Lite bounces up and down, hitting another 
  ball out of the air. The Child-Like Wonder and the Insecurity 
  Officer are now tossing one ball between them.
  
  Child-Like Wonder: Solo. You know, somebody really should calm 
  this kid down. (Lite is jumping up and down, out of control, 
  trying to stop the last ball)
  
  Kabeta: (over ship's ic.) Attention Security, or anybody else 
  sighting the Hidden Valley Rancher child brought on board! He is 
  to be apprehended at all costs as a possible spy. He may have 
  been sent by the HVR to use his age to divert suspicion. If you 
  see him, capture him at once and bring him to First Officer 
  Scribonia's quarters for questioning.
  
  Insecurity Officer: (insecurely) Gee, do you think this is him? 
  (Lite's spurs clank loudly as he jumps up and down, and his hat 
  waves wildly on it's string around his neck)
  
  Child-Like Wonder: I suppose. But in any case, he looks like he 
  ought to be captured regardless. (Reaches out with one arm and 
  catches Lite in midair, spinning him around and slinging him over 
  his shoulder, then catches the last ball and puts it in his 
  pocket.) Come on, let's go see Scribonia.
  
  *****************
  
  The Child-like Wonder and the Insecurity Officer stride down the 
  corridors of the Heisenburg, Lite over the Child-like Wonder's 
  shoulder. Lite is kicking and screaming "LET ME GO!", but to no 
  effect. They come across Guillaume, Stoops, and Kendragon.
  
  Child-like Wonder: Good Afternoon, folks.
  
  Guillaume: Oh good! You caught him! Are you taking him to the 
  Commander's office?
  
  Insecurity Officer: (insecurely) Well...yes. We already called 
  to say we're bringing him.
  
  Stoops:  Great! We want to come along. To see what happens
  
  Kendragon:  And tell Scribonia about him shredding important 
  papers! (She still carries the pile of sheet music scraps.)
  
  Child-like Wonder: Well come along then!
  
  *************
  
  yaz and Metag are standing outside yaz's door. 
  
  yaz: You really don't have to apologize...I guess...
  
  Metag: Yeah, but I'm still sorry I told him about your quarters. 
  He must have really destroyed your puzzle.
  
  yaz: Among other things.
  
  Metag: Yeah, I think he's much more dangerous than anybody 
  suspects.  But do you think he's a spy?
  
  yaz: He almost blew up engineering! If that doesn't qualify as 
  sabotage I don't know what does! I think they left him behind to 
  do as much damage as he could. Being a kid is perfect cover for 
  a saboteur!
  
  Around a bend come the Insecurity Officer, Head Librarian 
  Guillaume, Chief Music Coordinator Stoops, Ship's Gerbil 
  Kendragon, and the Child-like Wonder carrying Lite, who is still 
  struggling.
  
  Stoops: (Bouncily) Look who WE'VE got!
  
  Metag plugs his ears to block out Lite's deafening shouts, and 
  the crowd passes by. yaz looks like he is suppressing murderous 
  urges. After they are a few feet away down the hall...
  
  Metag: Well I suppose we should go along, if nothing else just 
  to make sure Scribonia knows what a terror that kid is.
  
  yaz: Okay. Let's catch up.
  
  ***********
  
  Transporter Operator, finally through with The Shift From Hell, 
  emerges tiredly from the transporter room, right into the passing 
  crowd.
  
  Transporter Operator: Whoa! What's this, a lynch mob?
  
  yaz: I wish.
  
  Transporter Operator: Hey, if you're taking him to Scribonia's, 
  I've got a bone to pick too! Wait up!
  
  *************
  
  Scene: The corridor outside of Ten-Forward. The door to the bar 
  slides open...and Redshirt and CrimsonTunic come crawling out.
  
  Redshirt: Oh, man! Theesh lights are soooo bright!
  
  CrimsonTunic: Oh yeah... Redshit old buddy, I hope you know how 
  to get back to our room!  
  
  Redshirt: Have no fear old pal! I know it's around here 
  somewhere...(starts hunting around the carpet) Oh No!
  
  CrimsonTunic: What?
  
  Redshirt: Oh No! This is terrible!
  
  CrimsonTunic: What? What is it?
  
  Redshirt: We're under attack! Look! The hall is rocking back 
  and forth! We're getting creamed! Red Alert! (tries to get up)
  
  CrimsonTunic: No, no, wait! It's you! You're rocking back and 
  forth! Come back down here!
  
  Redshirt: Oh! Oh yeah! (sinks back down) That's much better. 
  You know, I can't remember.
  
  CrimsonTunic: What?
  
  Redshirt: Which one of ush got killed first. Did I buy you 
  drinks or did you buy me drinks?
  
  CrimsonTunic: Hit.
  
  Redshirt: What?
  
  CrimsonTunic: On the head.
  
  Redshirt: Oh yeah...Look, a bunch of people! I hope there 
  aren't any officers with them.
  
  All of the people carrying Lite try to step over the inebriated 
  pair, with partial success. Lite has now switched to pleading.
  
  Redshirt: Aieee! It's him!
  
  CrimsonTunic: Who?
  
  Redshirt: The guy who killed us!
  
  CrimsonTunic: Run away!
  
  Redshirt: No! After him!
  
  CrimsonTunic: After you! (giggles)
  
  They pull themselves up and go stumbling after the crowd.
  
  **********
  
  Scene: Outside Scribonia's door. The crowd stands around for a 
  second, everybody looking at each other. Counselor Jiapa runs up 
  out of breath and assesses the situation.
  
  Jiapa: You've got him! Finally! Well, isn't anybody going to 
  go in?
  
  People glance at each other again, until the Insecurity Officer 
  hesitantly pushes the entry button.
  
  Scribonia: Come!
  
  The doors slide open to reveal Scribonia at her desk, and Ananda 
  sitting across from her. They both look up as all of twelve 
  people tumble into the normally spacious office.
  
  The child-like wonder steps forward, or rather, squeezes forward 
  holding Lite above his head: "I understand you were looking for 
  this?"
  
  Jiapa: Yes, he's been roaming the ship and won't seem to settle 
  down and be tested.
  
  Transporter Officer: Roaming the ship is one way to put it. 
  Causing havoc and being a real pain in the ass is another.
  
  Redshirt: Yeah! An' he killed us!
  
  CrimsonTunic: Hit.
  
  Redshirt: Wha?
  
  Redshirt and CrimsonTunic are steadily ignored by everyone else.
  
  Insecurity Officer: He, well, he didn't seem that bad. He's 
  just a kid.
  
  Kendragon: He may be just a kid, but I want him dealt with. He 
  SHREDDED.
  
  Guillaume: Specifically, he shredded library papers. 
  
  Stoops: My MUSIC for the library. He deserves to be locked up! 
  
  yaz: Yes, he came into my room, ruined my puzzle and broke my 
  statuette, and his only excuse was that he was looking for some 
  zero gravity...
  
  Metag: He even jumped up and down on the artificial gravity 
  cube, trying to disable the gravity!
  
  Stoops: (horrified) Did he break it?
  
  Metag gives Stoops a sarcastic look.
  
  Metag: Noooooo!
  
  ************
  Outside Scribonia's door again: Mreen and Topaz arrive at the 
  door.
  
  Mreen: Well, here we are. Do you want to go in or shall I?
  
  Topaz: You should go in. I don't what to be around when 
  Scribonia or Kabeta hears about this. 
  
  Mreen: Ok, you go on then. See you later. Maybe. (smiles and 
  waves, then pushes the door buzzer)
  
  Inside the room:
  
  Scribonia: (holding her head) Come!
  
  Mreen enters, is startled by the packed state of the room.
  
  Mreen: I just came by to tell you that the logs have been 
  transferred up, and we found out what happened to the crew of the 
  ship. It looks like there never was one.
  
  Scribonia: WHAT? Did you review the logs? Give me a full 
  report!
  
  Mreen: The kid was the only one on board the whole time! We 
  rewound the logs back to several days ago and saw him sneaking on 
  board the ship while it was in drydock and the crew was on shore 
  leave. He talked the computer into giving him control of the 
  ship, with it's help for navigation and engineering, and stole 
  the ship single handedly! He was using the computer to fire 
  phasers on the Nash and forgot to tell it to raise shields before 
  starting the attack. The whole thing was a joyride!
  
  Scribonia: (to Lite) A joy ride? A JOY RIDE?
  
  Lite: (sulking) Well, I almost blew up one of your stupid ships!
  
  Scribonia: A JOY RIDE?
  
  yaz: Wait a minute! This whole thing could still be set up! He 
  could still be a spy!
  
  Ananda: That's what I came here to tell you! (everybody stops 
  talking and looks at the tiny source of this passionate outburst) 
  When I accidently read his consciousness (she looks at her feet 
  while admitting that she did this) on the Hidden Valley ship I 
  didn't see anything that indicated that he was sent here by 
  anybody. He really is a child! Just a child with a big 
  imagination. I had to come by to tell you before you jumped to a 
  wrong conclusion.
  
  All of them mull over this for a bit. Lite sulks.
  
  Child-Like Wonder: But how can one kid be so destructive? And 
  what are we going to do with him now?
  
  Scribonia: I don't know the answer to your first question, Lt., 
  I think it's up to our ship's counselor to find out, however.
  
  Jiapa: What?
  
  Scribonia: To prevent any further damage to the ship, Lite will 
  be locked in Jiapa's room for the remainder of the time until we 
  reach the starbase.
  
  Jiapa: But...but...
  
  Murmurs of approval from the crowd
  
  Scribonia: We'll have to seal the door from the outside to 
  prevent any escape, Counsellor. You should have about six hours 
  to conduct tests before we arrive. 
  
  Jiapa: Wait! Why me?
  
  Scribonia: Any information you can get about ways to manage him 
  is of vital interest to the Federation, and more importantly, to 
  whoever gets "saddled" with him on the starbase.
  
  Cheers and applause from the crowd. Several hands reach for 
  Lite.
  
  Transporter Operator: Come on! We'll throw him in there 
  ourselves!
  
  They move exuberantly out to the hall, sweeping Jiapa along with 
  them.
  
  Jiapa: Wait! Nooooo! 
  
  **************
  
  Scene: Counsellor's Room. Jiapa and Lite are inside, and the 
  door *swick*'s shut behind them. An electronic chime indicates 
  the activation of the door seal.
  
  Jiapa: Well, Lite, it looks like it's just you and me. I bet we 
  can have some fun while we wait to arrive, though. What would 
  you like to do?
  
  Lite:  Nothing with you, Lady.
  
  Jiapa: Now really Lite, I don't think that's quite nice. I'm 
  here and you're here and we can have some fun. Wouldn't you like 
  to play some computer games?
  
  Lite:  Like what? Stupid inkblots?
  
  Jiapa: No, no, this is like a shooting game. Really. You just 
  watch the screen and pretend that the stars are ships coming to 
  get you. You press a button whenever you see a star and it'll 
  disappear.
  
  Lite:  That sounds boring. Don't you have any others?
  
  Jiapa: Yes, but I want you to play this one first. For me, 
  please.
  
  Lite:  What's it called?
  
  Jiapa: It's the Posner Spatial Reaction Time task. (Pause while 
  Jiapa realizes her blunder) I mean, it's called shoot-em-up.
  
  Lite: Yeah, Right. I don't want to play your stupid games, Lady. 
  Lemme out of here.
  
  Jiapa: Now come on, Lite. I know this game is boring, but if 
  you finish it, I'll give you a more interesting game.
  
  Lite: Don't call me Lite!
  
  Jiapa: Well then, what would you like me to call you?
  
  Lite: Bloocheez the second, future ruler of the Universe.
  
  Jiapa: Now Lite, I can't do that. It wouldn't be true.
  
  Lite: Aargh. You called me Lite again. Now I'll never play 
  your stupid game.
  
  Jiapa: Lite... (he looks at the wall, pointedly ignoring her), 
  Come on, Lite, let's talk. We were having a good conversation. 
  (He ignores her even more pointedly.) Li-iite, look at me when 
  I'm talking to you. (No apparent reaction from him) (Jiapa 
  sighs) Bloocheez the second, will you listen when I talk to you?
  
  Lite: Not unless you use my full title. (He stares at the wall 
  again)
  
  Jiapa: Lite, get your butt in that chair and take that test.
  
  Lite: Computer? Can you hear me?
  
  Pandora: Hello Lite. I can't talk now, but we'll arrive at the 
  starbase in 5 hours and 55 minutes.
  
  Lite: Computer, get me out of here, and don't call me LITE!!!
  
  Pandora: Hello Lite. I can't talk now, but we'll arrive at the 
  starbase in 5 hours and 54 minutes.
  
  Jiapa: Lite, Pandora has been instructed not to interrupt us. 
  Now please cooperate with the testing.
  
  Lite looks around the room, stares haughtily at the offered place 
  in front of the computer screen, and then scans the room once 
  again. He gives no notice of Jiapa's presence.
  
  Jiapa:  Ok, Lite, I know that's a boring test, but I 
  really want to know how fast you are. I'll bet you're a lot 
  slower than Earth kids. They can take this test and be done in 
  10 minutes. I'll bet it takes you half an hour at least.
  
  Lite: (whirls around to glare at Jiapa) I'll show you, Bitch. 
  I can race through your stupid test in 5 minutes. 
  
  Jiapa: All Right! (She quickly moves to start the task)
  
  Lite looks at her cheerful face and again at the computer and 
  turns his back to her again. "But I won't. You called me Lite"
  
  Jiapa looks ceiling-ward, then sighs and looks back at Lite. "I 
  give up. I'll get this task later. Right now I want to try you 
  on a puzzle. It's called the Wisconsin Card Sort. It's kind of 
  tricky because I can't tell you too many rules, but I bet you can 
  figure them out."
  
  Lite: (curiously and suspiciously) What is this? A test 
  without rules?
  
  Jiapa: Oh, it's got rules all right. You've got to tell the 
  computer where to put each card. And the computer will tell you 
  if you're right or wrong. But you have to figure out how to tell 
  where to put the cards. It's hard even for earth children, 
  though. I bet you can't figure it out at all.
  
  Lite: I want to float.
  
  Jiapa: What?!
  
  Lite: I want the gravity off. I wanna float around the room.
  
  Jiapa: I want you to take this test. If you take the test, I'll 
  turn off the gravity for a few minutes.
  
  Lite: I'll bet you won't.
  
  Jiapa: Here, I'll prove it. Pandora, when Lite finishes the 
  Wisconsin Card Sort, give a warning and then turn off the gravity 
  for two minutes. Do not let me change this order.
  
  Pandora: Noted. We'll arrive at the starbase in 5 hours and 43 
  minutes.
  
  Lite: All Right, all right, I'll take your stupid test. Where 
  is it?
  
  Jiapa shows Lite a flat lap-sized screen with four cards showing 
  across the top. The first card has a single red triangle on it. 
  The second has two green stars. The third has three yellow 
  crosses. The fourth and last has four blue circles. On the 
  bottom of the screen is one card. On the bottom rim of the 
  screen is four buttons, one button below each of the four cards.
  
  Jiapa: Here, you can sit on the floor and play with this. Just 
  push one of the buttons to tell the computer where the card 
  should go. You'll get a beep when you're right, and a BRACK 
  when you're wrong. Tell me when you're done. 
  
  Lite: Ok.
  
  Lite pushes the first button and receives a nice pleasant beep. 
  This is, however, the last beep he will receive for some time. 
  What the computer wants him to do is match the cards by color. 
  He doesn't seem to be matching the cards by any criteria other 
  than sheer randomness, and somehow avoiding the right answer at 
  all costs. Lite is getting more and more frustrated.
  
  Jiapa: Lite, dear, you might try to figure out how the computer 
  decides whether you are right or wrong.
  
  Lite: Forget it Lady. This computer is stupid and broken. 
  
  He throws the screen against the wall where, of course, it 
  cracks. Being safety glass, nothing shatters, but the screen is 
  now unreadable.
  
  Lite: I'm FINISHED with that stupid test.
  
  Jiapa: No, Lite. You didn't really ...
  Pandora: 30 second warning for gravity reduction.
  
  Jiapa: No, Pandora, he didn't really finish the test.
  
  Pandora: 15 second warning for gravity reduction.
  
  Lite: (running out and standing in the middle of the room, ready 
  to jump into the air) WHEEEE!
  
  Jiapa: Pandora, cancel the order.
  
  Pandora: Sorry, you can not cancel this order. Null gravity 
  starting now.
  
  Lite jumps into the air and bounces off the ceiling. He sails 
  into Jiapa's desk and scatters her papers and disks all over the 
  room.
  
  Jiapa: NOOOOOOO!!!
  
  Lite: WHEEEEEEE!!!
  
  ***********
  
  Scribonia sits a her desktop com console in her room. She looks 
  somewhat worried, and is punching some keys, working on a 
  background task when the com officer's voice comes through the 
  console.
  
  Ensign G'O Forever: Ok, Commander. I've got a channel though to 
  HVR space.
  
  Scribonia:Thanks Ensign. You just earned your pay for the week. 
  (mashes a button.)
  This is Commander Scribonia of the USS Heisenberg. To whom am I 
  speaking?
  
  (From the screen:) Wha Haw! Haw! Haw! Haw! Well if it isn't the 
  lovely FIRST MATE of the Heisenberg! Looking for a real man at 
  last, are you? Well I'm ready for you baby, come on down and 
  bring your lovely Captain too!
  
  Scribonia: Bloocheez! What an unusual coincidence to get you of 
  all scum to answer this transmission. Perhaps you're missing 
  something? Or someone?
  
  Bloocheez: Lost something? Hey if I loose my damn hat what 
  makes you think I'd tell you about it? Why, a nice new 20 gallon 
  Stetson too! What business is it of yours anyhow, woman?
  
  Scribonia: Well, I just thought you might like to know one of 
  our freighters destroyed a Hidden Valley warbird, and guess who 
  we found inside? (fiendish grin)
  
  Bloocheez: (slapping his hand to his face): Oh Jeez.  He must 
  have headed straight for Federation space. Did he get ANY shots 
  in?
  
  Scribonia: (gleefully) He MISSED! So, I have a little trade to 
  make with you. We will be keeping Lite in custody at our 
  starbase LMC1. However, we are willing to let you come and get 
  him back, under escort, if you swear to leave Captain Kabeta 
  alone from now on.
  
  Bloocheez: HAW! You must be addled, woman! What in tarnation 
  makes you think I would ever go tippy-toeing into Federation 
  space for that kid when he just blew up an entire battle-cruiser! 
  If anybody ever even found out I'd be hog-tied and dragged 
  through a briar bush so big...well, you can just keep him; I'm 
  too busy conquering the universe to keep fixing all the damage he 
  does anyhow. HAW! You want a deal little lady, you just send 
  that bucking-bronk Captain down to my place for a little date, 
  and I'll send you leash for that boy so he doesn't wreck your 
  nice clean Star-base too bad!
  
  Scribonia: But...but...he's your nephew! Don't you have any 
  feelings about him?
  
  Bloocheez: FEELINGS? HAW! Try again! How about you give me a 
  nice new ship, maybe the Heisenberg -- now that would help my 
  poor hurtin' feelings-- and Miss Kabeta as my personal Ensign! 
  
  Scribonia: It is your family duty to take your nephew back! You 
  must come and get him for the honor of the Hidden Valley 
  Ranchers! You wouldn't want to leave a Rancher as a hostage to 
  the Federation, would you?
  
  Bloocheez: Sheee-it, woman! He's doing me more good over there 
  than he'd be anywhere else. Maybe he might even teach your 
  Federation kids a thing or too! (grins)
  
  Scribonia: (looking up thoughtfully) Hmmm. He is school age, 
  isn't he?  Well, I guess if he's going to stay at the starbase 
  he'll have to go in the elementary school there. Let's see, he's 
  about 6, that would put him in the 1st grade. Gee, that's the 
  year the kids start their courses in "Male Sensitivity."
  
  Bloocheez: (paling) You're kidding.
  
  Scribonia: (sweetly) Oh yeah? Later on he goes into Home Ec, 
  where he learns how to cook and keep house.
  
  Bloocheez: Why you...Psychological torture is against 
  intergalactic law you whore!
  
  Scribonia: I think with a little help, he can be a model 
  Federation citizen. Why...
  
  Bloocheez: ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT! You stay right there, dammit!  
  We can deal later.
  
  ***********
  Captain's Log, stardate 201513: We are now arriving at starbase 
  LMC1 and are making preparations to transfer the remains of the 
  HVR ship into a parking orbit. The presence of the ship in 
  Federation space appears to have been an accident, and it seems 
  as though Commander Scribonia has found a way to have the HVR 
  child Bloocheez Lite transferred back to his Uncle. I am raising 
  the commander of the starbase now to see if we can transfer him 
  over there, so we can be well away when the C_Sick arrives to 
  pick him up.
  
  Scene: Bridge. The plaque reads "Is Jez alive or dead before 
  you look inside the Heisenberg?" Kabeta is talking to some 
  desk-commander on the screen. McDonagh, standing behind her, 
  tries to whisper to her.
  
  McDonagh: Ask them if they have any antimatter.
  
  Kabeta: Later.
  
  McDonagh: Aw, come on, just a little bit of antimatter...
  
  Kabeta glowers at McDonagh until he goes to a corner of the 
  bridge and sulks.
  
  ***********
  Scene:   Scribonia and the Transporter Operator are walking 
  towards Jiapa's office to pick up Lite.
  
  Transporter Operator: I'll be so glad to see the last of that 
  little brat. Have you warned the Starbase about him? Do they 
  have a padded room ready?
  
  Scribonia: Transporter Operator, I'll thank you to speak more 
  charitably about Lite. Imagine having Bloocheez for an uncle. 
  
  Transporter Operator: Heh. I'll bet Bloocheez is such a hardass 
  because his nephew drives him away from home.
  
  Scribonia:  Transporter Operator, Bloocheez has been an 
  ass a lot longer than Lite has been around. I hope Jiapa hasn't 
  had too much trouble with him.
  
  They arrive at Jiapa's office and open the door. What they see 
  amazes them. The office is strewn with papers and disks, many 
  with footprints in them. Most of the disks are broken. There 
  are about 4 or 5 smashed psych tests thrown against the walls, 
  including the Wisconsin Card Sort. There are dirty footprints on 
  the walls and ceiling, and the ceiling light is missing its 
  cover. Almost all the cabinets are closed and locked, a rare 
  sight in Jiapa's office, and the few that aren't have broken 
  doors and their contents strewn about the room. In a corner is a 
  small metal chair with Lite tied into it and gagged. In front of 
  him is running the Posner Spatial Reaction Time task, and since 
  his hands are tied above the button, he is at least apparently 
  taking it. Jiapa is covered with sweat and spit and more 
  footprints, although an attempt has been made to clean her face. 
  She is sitting at the desk with her feet up reading her book.
  
  Jiapa: Lite, remember, when you finish that test I'll give you 2 
  more minutes of null gravity. And if you do really well, I'll 
  even untie your hands so you can fly around.
  
  Lite shows no apparent reaction, but the just entering Scribonia 
  and Transporter Operator can see that the stars on the screen are 
  disappearing even faster.
  
  Scribonia: What on EARTH is going on here?!
  
  Transporter Operator: Bwah hah hah. Good job Counselor. You 
  showed the little brat.
  
  Jiapa: Good afternoon Commander. And Transporter Operator, 
  please do not be offensive to Bloocheez Lite. We have come to an 
  amicable agreement and he is fulfilling his part of the bargain.
  
  Scribonia: Well, when are you and Lite going to be done?
  
  Jiapa: We can be done in 5 minutes. It won't take more than 3 
  more minutes for him to finish that test, and then he gets 2 
  minutes of free play. Um, you might want to wait out in the hall 
  during his free play time.
  
  Scribonia: I can well believe that!
  
  Scribonia and the Transporter Operator just stare at the rubble 
  in Jiapa's office until she warns them that the gravity's about 
  to go off and they really should leave now.
  
  Standing outside the door they hear multiple WHEEEEE's for two 
  minutes and then silence. A few seconds later, the door opens 
  with Jiapa holding the hand of an unbound Lite.
  
  Jiapa: Well, let's be off. Bloocheez Lite is quite ready to go 
  to the Starbase, and he has promised to behave himself, at least 
  for the next few minutes.
  
  Transporter Operator: Then let's get him off before the time is 
  up. 
  
  ******************
  
  Epilogue:
  
  Scribonia and Jiapa are in the commander's office, sitting in 
  front of the communication console, talking to the starbase 
  commander.
  
  Scribonia: Have you decided on who will take care of the boy 
  until Bloocheez comes to pick him up?
  
  Desktop Commander: (looking grim) No, our chief counselor is 
  still searching for a good foster group... (sound of something 
  breaking in the background. D.C. winces)
  Unfortunately, he made the mistake of posting the kid's 
  personality matrix data you sent over, and now nobody will touch 
  him with a ten foot pole. (Another crash. You can see D.C. 
  resisting the urge to look behind him at what it was.)
  
  Lite: (in background) Yeee - haaw!
  
  Scribonia: Has the C_Sick been spotted yet by the convoy ships?
  
  Desktop Commander: Oh yes. They've intercepted him on a heading 
  for here...at *Warp One!* (D.C.'s voice breaks at the last 
  words. After a moment of recovery.) Just between you and me, 
  commander, I never thought I'd be glad to see an HVR warship 
  before.
  
  General laughter and merriment between Scribonia and Jiapa. Hey, 
  it wouldn't be a Star Trek episode without a cloying epilogue, 
  now would it?
  
  The End, with no apologies to the original authors of the Problem 
  Child movies. Ours is funnier and has fewer pee jokes.