Date:        Thu, 16 Jan 92 08:57:43 EDT
From: Knight of the Wolves 

> > yeah and is the Melbourne *out* of repairs yet????
> >
> > -ram
> >
> > (my flirt drive has been repiared.. I know that much :) )

How's this:

"Out of Spacedock"

Muirden: Captain's log, supplemental.  The Melbourne is finally finished
     with its repairs and is ready to resume its mission of exploration.
     We will be leaving as soon as I finish this log.  Personal Note:
     I have to contact another starship as soon as we get out of here to
     find out what stardate it is.  I can never keep track of these
     things.

Larkin: Lieutenant Cyr, take us out of space dock, ahead quarter
     impulse.

St. Cyr: Quarter impulse, aye, sir.

[The Melbourne moves out of spacedock to some really nifty "Leaving
Spacedock" music.  Once she has backed out all the way, she begins to
slowly turn around so that she can warp out into the distance.]

SKEEEERRUUUNNNNNCCCHHHHHHHHH!!

Muirden: What was that?

St. Cyr:  Oops.  Er, nothing, sir.

Muirden: Nothing?

Communications: We are being hailed by Space Dock, Captain.

Muirden: On screen.

Space dock: (ic)  What do you think you're doing, Melbourne?  That's
     going to take us at least a month to repair.

Muirden: Repair?  What?  Oh no . . . Lieutenant!

St. Cyr: It wasn't my fault, Captain!  I didn't see the starbase,
     honest!  It wasn't there when I looked--they must have moved into
     our way when I started to turn around!

Muirden: Lieutenant, report to the brig.

St. Cyr: Yes sir.

[And we fade out on this sorry scene . . .]


Lieutenant (j.g.) Dave Quixote             "Too much sanity is madness."
Crouton Tube Maintenance Man, 3rd class             dl20@lafayacs.bitnet

--------------------------

Date:        Thu, 16 Jan 92 09:41:51 EDT
From: Knight of the Wolves 
Subject: Out of Spacedock (pt 3)

Later, in Muirden's quarters:

Muirden: Higher, Lieutenant.  I said higher.  Can't you get that
     scrubbrush any higher?

St. Cyr: Sorry, sir.  I'm not very good at scrubbing walls.

Muirden: Well if you can't get that wall *shining*, I swear, I won't
     be this lenient with you the next time you run into a starbase.
     Try to get the edge of the wall and the ceiling clean, will you?

St. Cyr: Yes sir.  (muttering)  Must have been ages since he ever
     cleaned out his quarters.

Muirden: And when you're done, the floor needs to be vacuumed, and then
     paint the ceiling--where do you think you're going?

St. Cyr: Back down to the brig, Captain.  I think I'd prefer solitary
     confinement.


Lieutenant (j.g.) Dave Quixote             "Too much sanity is madness."
Crouton Tube Maintenance Man, 3rd class             dl20@lafayacs.bitnet

-----------------------------


Date: Sat, 25 Jan 1992 19:40:25 -0700
From: FIZZIX DUDE 
Subject: ST:TCG (Long Episode)

Open to an exterior shot of the 'Croutonprize'  as it orbits a mottled green
and  beige planet.

Crouton's Voice:   Captain's log:   Stardate  8823.5. We are in orbit around
Stromatolite IV where we shall soon beam aboard one of the Federation's fin-
est  volcanolgists for an exciting research expedition to the newly  discov-
ered Warner's Planet.

Switch  to the ship's bridge.   Kessner and Himle are at  the   helm's  con-
trols.   Highlander  and  Neon are in their chairs  having   a   discussion.
Zortyl  is absorbed with a computer algorithm he is typing out at a  console
on the far left.  The doors of the turbolift open and Captain Crouton  steps
out.

Crouton:   It appears that all appropriate preparations have been  made  for
our guest.  [sits down]
Highlander:  Well, that's good. We certainly wish to make a good impression.
Crouton:  Indeed.
Kessner:  Sir, we are receiving a message from Dr. Wahr.
Crouton:  On screen.

The image of a red-haired man with a beard appears on the screen.   His hair
is  somewhat  mussed up and he has a tired look to his eyes,  as  though  he
hadn't had a good night's sleep for a few days.

Wahr:  Captain.
Crouton:  Dr. Wahr.  What can we do for you?
Wahr:   I regret to inform you that Dr. Monroe will not be able to accompany
you on your expedition to Warner's Planet.
Crouton:  Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.  Is she not well?
Wahr:  Oh, it's not that.  It's...well...it came as a surprise to us all...
Crouton:  Yes?
Wahr:  Dr. Monroe has decided to tie the knot.

The staccato of Zortyl's wiry fingers comes to an abrupt halt.   His console
beeps audibly and belches an acrid puff of smoke.  Zortyl fans the offending
output away from his nose as he turns to the viewscreen, coughing and wheez-
ing.  He knits his eyebrows with consternation.

Crouton:  She's getting married?
Wahr:   Yes.   It was all rather sudden.  A young man she'd been seeing  off
and on for the past couple years.
Zortyl:  [thinking]   Married?   Married???   [shaking his head]   I  always
thought the day she got married would be the day--

The Captian's intercom beeps.  Missy's voice comes over, crowded out by loud
whoops and screams of jubilation in the background.

Midzor:  Captain...
Crouton:  Missy?
Midzor:  ...don't believe it!...they're....
Crouton:  Missy?  Can you speak up?  I can't understand you over that infer-
nal noise!  What's going on?
Midzor:  ...I...the lights....
Crouton:  [agitated]  Yes?  What about the lights?
Midzor:  ...I...

The background voices come to an abrupt halt when Missy's voice bellows  out
a command to them to shut up.

Midzor:  Sorry, sir.  It's like New Year's down here.
Crouton:  So I see--er...hear.
Midzor:  I don't know what happened, but it's the darndest thing!
Crouton:  What's that?
Midzor:  The lights--they're working!

The bridge crew exchange looks of bewilderment with one another.

Zortyl:  [still thinking]  --The day the Engineering lights started working!

			*   *   *   *   *

                  STAR TREK:  THE CROUTON GENERATION

                            "Felis Fatale"

Written by Eric "Fizzix Dude" Moore

Guest Stars:
          John M. Wahr as Doctor Wahr
          Marie as her typical self

Directed and Produced by Eric "Fizzix Dude" Moore

Aesthetics Critic and Chief Consultant to Mr. Moore:
          Christopher "ZortylWankoid" Hassell

Special Music:
          "Different Drum" by Linda Ronstadt


Crouton's Voice:   Captain's log:  Stardate  8823.7.   We have just received
word that Dr.  Monroe will not be able to accompany us on our research expe-
dition to Warner's Planet.  However her colleague, one Dr. Marie,  an accom-
plished volcanologist herself will accompany us in Monroe's stead....

Open to engineering.   Ghiasi and Midzor are pouring over the ship's circuit
plans  at adjacent consoles while crewmembers are scurrying  about,  bumping
into  one another,  strewing isolinear chips and optico-electronic  elements
all about the floor.  Some of the engineering personnel continue to hum hap-
pily to themselves.

Ghiasi:  [to  Midzor]  ...I still think it could be a sudden bypass  in  the
Brownson junction--
Midzor:  No, no, that still doesn't explain why the fuses haven't blown.  By
my calculations they should have expired hours ago.   [tracing out a path on
her console screen]  Maybe if we followed this relay--

Crouton:  [intercom]  Bridge to Engineering.  Commander Ghiasi?

Ghiasi looks down toward the floor, exasperated by the sudden interruption.

Ghiasi:  [smacking her communicator vehemently]  Yes, Captain?!
Crouton:   We  want  you to join us at Shuttle Bay 3 to meet  our  guest  in
twenty minutes.

Ghiasi swears under her breath.

Ghiasi:   [holding back her anger]  I'm sorry Captain, no-can-do!  Missy and
I  are extremely busy.   [punching out some keys]  We must try to  find  the
reason  for  why the lights are working.  If we can isolate  the  cause,  we
might be able to fix this curse for once and for all.   [to Midzor]  No  of-
fense.
Midzor:  None taken.
Crouton:   Well,  I would prefer that a representative of our  science  crew
were present.  Is Lt. Jez available?
Ghiasi:  Yes, he is.
Crouton:  Can you tell me where I can find him?

Ghiasi glares in Missy's direction.  Missy gives her a wry smile in return.

Ghiasi:   No,  not off hand, sir.  [under her breath]  What am I?  my Wonder
Kitty's keeper?
Crouton:  Very well.  I'll check with the ship's computer.
Ghiasi:  [to herself]  Please do!
Crouton:  Crouton out.
Ghiasi:  [to Midzor]  Why does he always interrupt us like that?
Midzor:  He's the captain.  It's his job.
Ghiasi:  I'll tell you this, if he bothers us like that just one more--

The lights momentarily flicker, dim, blink really bright and then fail.  The
crewmembers'  humming stops as a few more electronic components  clatter  to
the floor.

Midzor:  Damn!

			*   *   *   *   *

Switch to Ten-Forward.   The place is sparsely populated.   A few tables are
occupied by one or two crewmembers while the rest remain empty.   Sitting at
a table in a dark corner is Jez The Wonder Kitty.  A close up of Jez reveals
he  is  gloomily staring down into his saucer of milk.   A few  drips  still
cling to his whiskers.   He is startled from his deep meditation when  Lieu-
tenant Chuang comes up.

Chuang:  Do you mind if I join you, sir?
Jez:  [barely audible]  Mrowr.  ["No."]

Chuang  takes a sip of his Shirley Temple and observes the distant  look  on
Jez's face.  Jez sighs.

Chuang:  May I ask what's bothering you, sir?
Jez:  Meow-rup-mrow-ow-up.  ["What I wouldn't give to have the companionship
of foxy tabby on this ship!"]
Chuang:  [momentarily smiles]  Oh, I see.

Chuang looks at his glass for a moment as if searching for an answer  within
it.

Chuang:   Look, I know how you feel.  Can you imagine what it was like to be
the only child prodigy aboard the 'Croutonprize'?   Usually it gave me  this
sense of pride, like I was the smartest one aboard.  Ocassionally,  however,
I got to feeling...well...like I had this emptiness inside,  as though some-
how  I  wasn't  complete.   I got to wishing there were  some  smart  cookie
aboard,  someone  I could relate to, not like the  immature  adolescents  we
have.   Someone  who  was friendly, mature,  attractive,  and  could  recite
Kowalski's warp field equations from memory.

Jez stares off into space as if unaware of Chuang's presence.   He lets  out
another long sigh and looks back at his saucer.

Chuang:  Look, cheer up.  Someone will come along, someday.
Jez:  Meow.  ["Sure."]

The communicator on Jez's collar chirps.

Crouton:  [intercom]  Lt. Jez.
Jez:  Mrowr-rowr?  ["Yes, sir?"]
Crouton:  We need for you to meet us at Shuttle Bay 3 to greet our guest.
Jez:  Mrowr ["Aye."]  [to Chuang]  Meow-mrrup!  ["I'll talk to you later"]

Jez runs out of Ten-Forward.  Chaung looks on while sloppily fishing for the
maraschino cherry in his drink.

			*   *   *   *   *

Switch to Shuttle Bay 3.   Crouton and Highlander are exchanging a few words
as  Jez  lumbers  in.  He sits down by the  Captain's  side,  looking  about
apathetically.

Highlander:  I don't understand why this Dr...
Crouton:  Marie.
Highlander:  --Marie...doesn't just use the croutonizer.
Crouton:  Well, I guess she's a bit skittish about being dissembled into her
constituent croutons, only to be transported over a distance of thousands of
miles.  One little mishap and Poof! you're nothing but a cloud of free crou-
tons floating in space for the rest of eternity.  She's not the only one.
Highlander:  Yeah, I guess.
Officer:  [intercom]  Sir.  Dr. Marie's shuttle is approaching.
Crouton:  Very well.

The  shuttle bay warning siren sounds as the exterior door slowly raises  to
reveal  a dizzying view of outer space.   A white object slowly  approaches,
resolving itself into a squarish object about four feet in length.  The min-
iature shuttle passes through the protective force field and gracefully low-
ers  to  a  spot a few feet before the welcoming party.   The  side  of  the
shuttle is inscribed:  "Kitty Karrier."

A  grayish-brown cat with gray-blue eyes steps out,  looking  curiously  all
about  the  shuttle  bay,  as if not to acknowledge  that  there  are  other
lifeforms present.

Jez is busily cleaning himself, oblivious to the new arrival.

Crouton:   Welcome aboard the 'Croutonprize'.  I am Captain Crouton, this is
my first officer,  Commander Highlander, and this is-- [sees Jez isn't  pay-
ing  attention]   AHEM!   [startles Jez]  And this is our  science  officer,
Lieutenant Jez.
Marie:  [curtly]  Mrrrupp.  ["I am Dr. Marie."]

Only when Marie speaks does Jez notice the female cat,  half-interestedly at
first.  Then...he gulps.   Eyes meet, tails twitch.   Marie studies his face
for a moment and  looks away, but Jez starts  purring hypnotically.   "I'm a
Believer" begins playing in the background.

Jez:  Mrowr-rowr.  ["I'm very pleased to make your acquaintance."]
Marie:  [watching the passing stars outside]  Mrr.  ["Likewise."]
Crouton:  I'm sure Lt. Jez will gladly show you your quar--
Marie:    Meowr-owr.    ["That  can  wait.   First  I'd  like  to  see  your
facilities."]
Jez:  [happily]  Mrrupp.  ["Yes, Dr. Marie."]

Jez and Marie leave the shuttle bay.  Crouton and Highlander follow with be-
mused looks on their faces.

Highlander:  A female cat on board.  Should be interesting, sir.
Crouton:  Yes, indeed.  [smiles as he watches the pair enter the turbolift]

			*   *   *   *   *

Switch to the geosciences lab.  There are several computer consoles,  micro-
scopes,  and other analysis equipment.  The door opens and Marie enters fol-
lowed by Jez.

Jez:  [proudly]  I believe you'll find our research facilities well stocked. 
We have thermoseismic detectors,  X-ray microlasers,  a Sesky-Lyataub  spec-
trometer,...
Marie:  [coldly]  Yes, yes, I see.

Marie jumps up onto the lab benches and consoles, sniffing and investigating
every little switch and display.

Marie:   Well,...a bit Spartan,...but I suppose it will do.   I just hope we
can  get  the critical seismological profile of Mount Python that  we  need. 
It's  the  first  opportunity we've ever had to get a close-up  study  of  a
Bradley Type-B carbon-sulfide volcano during eruption.
Jez:   Listen,  I've  read  up  on  practically  all  of  your  articles  in
extraterrestrial volcanology.   I was especially intrigued by your  research
on  the  cryogenic volcanism of Caladon.  I guess carbon dioxide  flows  are
rare.
Marie:   [half  attentively]  Yes...quite rare.   It's not easy  to  find  a
planet with the right atmospheric conditions to allow for liquid CO2.
Jez:    Yeah...listen,  I was wondering if you wouldn't care to join  me  to
talk, professionally that is at Ten-Forward?
Marie:  Ten-Forward?
Jez:  Yes, it's a hang-out for the crew.  It's a nice place to relax and get
a drink...if you're thirsty.
Marie:   Well...I suppose that would be fine.  But I don't wish to get  away
from  my  work  for too long.   We only have one week  until  we  arrive  at
Warner's Planet, and every instrument must be carefully calibrated.  Any de-
lays cannot be tolerated.
Jez:  Of course.  Shall we go?
Marie:  [curtly]  Lead the way.  [hops down from a lab bench and leaves with
Jez.]

			*   *   *   *   *

Switch to Ten-Forward.   The place is busier than before.  Jez and Marie are
seated  at  a table in the middle of the bar.   Both take a few  licks  from
their saucers and thoroughly clean their lips and noses.

Jez:   [nervously]  Listen, I know it is strictly a professional matter that
brings us together, but...I have to admit that I've grown to...well...admire
you.

Marie twitches uncomfortably.

Jez:   I don't mean to make you uncomfortable, but I do like you a lot  from
what  I've read about you.   I wondered if we could get to know one  another
better?
Marie:  I suppose that would be fine, but I want you to understand that I am
a  researcher  first,  and as a researcher I am very dedicated to  my  work. 
Volocanology is my "first love,"  shall we say,  and I have no real interest
in pursuing other matters, if you catch my drift.
Jez [holding back his disappointment]:  Yes, I understand.
Marie:   You seem to be a fine cat though,  and I wouldn't mind  getting  to
know you better--as a friend.

Jez:  [sighs to himself]  Agreed.

The scene of the two cats talking with each other fades out.

			*   *   *   *   *

Crouton's  Voice:   Captain's log:  Stardate  8824.2.   We have  arrived  at
Warner's  planet and the research team led by Dr.  Marie has begun it's  in-
tense  study of Mount Python,  which could prove to be the crowing glory  of
extraterestrial volcanology....

Open  to a ship's corridor.   Crouton and Highlander are  walking  together,
having a candid chat.

Highlander:  I hear that the research team has detected an extensive network
of subterrain conduits feeding the volcano.
Crouton:   Yes.  Quite impressive I understand.  The complexity of the dykes
and sills is unheard of.  Should keep them busy for some time.
Highlander:   Yes,  I have sensed a certain air of excitement about the  re-
searchers...especially Jez.  [exchanges smiles with Crouton]

Crouton:   Yes,  I've noticed that too.  Unless I be mistaken, I don't think
it's entirely the research that has ol' Jez so...shall we say...elated?
Highlander:  "Twitterpated" is the word that comes to my mind.

The two officers chuckle together as they approach the turbolift.

Jez suddenly comes bounding by the senior officers,  humming happily to him-
self.

Jez:  Meow-rrup, meow-rr  ["Good morning, Captain!  Good morning Commander!]

Crouton and Highlander watch the perky feline with bemusement and then enter
the turbolift with another chuckle.

			*   *   *   *   *

Open to the ship's arboretum one week later.   Shenando is reclining in  the
shadow of a fern,  purring with contentment.   Shenando is undisturbed  when
the   door  swishes  open.    Moments  later  Jez  appears  from  behind   a
rhododendron, seething with agitation.

Shenando:  Ah, isn't this place just wonderful?
Jez:  Yeah, peachy-keen.
Shenando:  What's eating you?
Jez:  Oh, nothing, nothing at all.  Everything's just hunky-dory!
Shanando:  Hey, listen, if something's bothering you just say so.
Jez:  Well,...I would prefer it if you'd just mind your own business!
Shenando:  Huh? I don't understand.
Jez:  [swears under his breath]  I'm talking about Marie!
Shenando:  O-o-o-oh!
Jez:  Once, just once I get the opportunity to have a real social life,  and
what do you do?   You come traipsing along and yank the rug from  underneath
me.  For crying out loud!  Where's your consideration?
Shenando:  I think I detect a tone of jeal--
Jez:  OF COURSE I'M JEALOUS!  How would you like it if you were attracted to
someone and then I came along,  talked to her,  swept her off her paws,  and
made her my girlfriend before the week's end?
Shenando:  I didn't mean to hurt you.
Jez:   Of course not.   You just sort of wandered your way blindly into  our
friendship.
Shanando:  Listen, I just--
Jez:   Ah!  forget your excuses!   I've had enough of this!   I should  have
known better than to think I had a chance when you cam on the scene!

Jez stalks out of the arboretum, leaving Shanando to his solitude.  Shenando
sighs.

			*   *   *   *   *

Switch to the geosciences lab.   Members of the science crew are busily  ad-
justing  instruments and preparing samples for study.   Jez is at  the  main
console,  studying a spectrograph.   The door swishes open and  Marie  comes
stalking in.

Jez:  Good morning, Marie.
Marie:  Morning.

Marie checks out the X-ray microlaser instrumentation,  trying to look busy,
but obviously vexed by something.

Jez:  Is something wrong?

Marie doesn't respond.

Jez:  Marie?
Marie:  Yes?
Jez:  Is something bothering you?

Marie:  [sighs to herself]  That...Shenando!
Jez:  Shenando?
Marie:  He...I...I can't seem to do anything right in his eyes!
Jez:  Huh?
Marie:   I like him very much;  he's a nice tomcat.   But there are times  I
need to have my time to myself, to think about my research and other matters
I have on my mind.  I tried to explain this to him, but what does he do?  He
becomes hurt and complains how I'm not being sociable.   He then goes on  to
accuse me of being selfish, inconsiderate of his feelings.   He should talk! 
We've  had  some  wondeful time together,  but he's starting to  get  on  my
nerves,  stopping by my quarters every night,  calling me when I'm trying to
get  some work down.   I can't seem to make him understand that I need  some
time away from him!
Jez:  Won't he listen?
Marie:   No.   He's so pig-headed about the whole thing.   All he can see is
his side, not mine.
Jez:  Maybe I could talk to him...?
Marie:   No.   I couldn't ask you to do that.  It's something I just have to
deal with somehow.

The  conversation  dies off as Marie becomes absorbed with  her  work.   Jez
pauses for a moment to think before returning to his analyses.

			*   *   *   *   *

Switch to Shenando's quarters.   He is resting peacefully on a sofa when the
doorbell beeps.

Shenando:  Come in!
Jez:  [walks in warily]  I...came to apologize.
Shenando:  What?
Jez:   I was behaving so childishly when you started seeing Marie.  I'd like
to apologize.
Shenando:  Oh, don't be ridiculous.  I can see why you were upset.
Jez:  Are you sure?
Shenando:  Of course.

An awkward moment of silence passes before Jez speaks again.

Jez:  So, may I ask what happened?
Shenando:   Oh, it was a petty little thing.  I just tried to explain to her
that  I thought she was being a little unfriendly and she took it the  wrong
way.   It was meant to be just a little constructive criticism,  but she be-
came insulted instead.
Jez:  Won't she listen?
Shenando:  No.  She just shut up and refused to communicate.  A childish re-
sponse in my opinion.
Jez:  I'm sorry this happened.  I hate to see two friends have a bad falling
out.
Shenando:   Oh,  don't worry about me.   I still think she's a nice  person,
just so...darn annoying at times.   I don't know that we'll ever be as close
as we were when we first met.

Fade out.

			*   *   *   *   *

Crouton's voice:   Captain's log:   Stardate  8825.7.   The Dr.  Marie's re-
search  at  Warner's Planet has come to a successful conclusion.   The  data
that has been gleaned will keep the scientific community busy for many years
to come....

Open  to Shuttle Bay 3 where Marie's shuttle awaits her arrival.   The  door
opens to let Crouton, Highlander, Jez, and Marie enter.

Crouton:   Well,  I  must say it's been a pleasure having  you  aboard,  Dr.
Marie.
Marie:   Mrowr-rrup meow.   ["Likewise.   I thank you for  your  assistance. 
Your science crew was of invaluable help to the research.   I'll be sure  to
give credit to all who were involved."]
Jez:   Meowr-meow.  ["We're sorry to see you leave.  It was an honor to work
under your leadership."]
Marie:  Meow.  ["Thank you."]
Jez:  Mrrup.  ["I hope we may meet again someday."]
Marie:  Meow-rr.  ["Thanks.  I do too."]

Marie turns to enter her shuttle,  but pauses a moment to look up and notice
Shenando watching from the observation deck.   She gives him a wan smile and
enters her shuttle.   The shuttle bay door opens and her tiny craft  effort-
lessly levitates off the bay floor and exits.   The shuttle fades to a  tiny
white speck before it veers off toward Stromatolite IV and disappears.

Fade out.

			*   *   *   *   *

Open to Ten-Forward.  Jez and Shenando are seated in a booth by the observa-
tion window, enjoying their milk and watching the myriad of stars whiz by.

Shenando:   You know, I think we can safely say we've both learned something
from this experience.
Jez:  Yeah.  "Reason and love keep little company together now-a-days."
Shenando:  Huh?
Jez:  Shakespeare.
Shenando:  Oh.
Jez:   I guess neither of us has been wounded too severely by  this  experi-
ence.  It could have been worse.
Shenando:   Exactly, though my wound may be slower to heal.  Oh well,  there
are other fish in the sea.
Jez:  Yeah, just watch out for those flying fish!

Jez and Shenando break out in laughter as the camera shot slowly recedes and
fades out.

Beatles Voiceover:

          Was she told when she was young, that pain would lead to pleasure?
          Did she understand it when they said,
          That a man must break his back To earn his day of leisure.
          Will she still believe it when he's dead?

Date: Tue, 28 Jan 92 15:23:19 est
From: "Not-the-Baby (Papazisis, Despina)" 
Subject: ST:TCG: The Desk of Doom

Next time on Star Trek.....

	"The Desk of Doom"

Due to a rather %^&*$@ room last semester, the Ensign Aedoni and her roommate 
the Lady Janna are forced to move all their belongings up 5 flights of steps 
to their new room. The two were sent on their way by the Deamon of Student 
Housing, who did not warn them of the trials that lay a head. The two 
dilligently fought the preditors that lay in their way, only to find that the 
greatest challenge lay a head of them.  Finally after moving all that belongs 
to them, Aedoni and Janna found their greatest opponent in their own room!  
Their greatest opponent was the DESK OF DOOM!!!!!!!!!  Will Aedoni and Janna 
ever make it past THE MIGHTY DESK???? More importanly, will they ever clear a 
path in their room where they can see the DESK in all it's mightyness???  Tune 
in next time true believers, for the next exciting expisode of....

STAR TREK: The Disasterous Generation

--------------------------------


Date: Thu, 30 Jan 92 14:40:51 -0500
From: bryant@husc.harvard.edu
Subject: ST:TCG4 "The Thorn Words"

Next time, on... STAAAAAAAAR TREK:  THE CROUTON GENERATION:


                                "The Thorn Words"

     A dread virus invades the _Heisenberg_, giving rise to life-threatening
cases of badly inflamed theses throughout the ship.  Will Dr. Hertzman be able
to find a cure for an inflamed thesis before Kabeta, Scribonia, yaz, Aoki,
Guillaume de Fontaine, and the other victims collapse entirely?  Will Kabeta
and Scribonia be able to avoid strangling Thokk for his snide remarks?  As the
seniors fight to survive....

---------------------------------


Date:        Thu, 20 Feb 92 20:50:33 EDT
From: Knight of the Wolves 
Subject: "Late as Usual" (TCG4: Short)

"Late as Usual"

Moved by devotion for the most beautiful and high-born lady
Dulcinea, Dave Quixote croutonizes her flowers for Valentine's
Day.  But what is this?   Freston has been playing with our
hero's mind again, because Valentine's Day was last week!  Will
Dulcinea receive the flowers with grace and forgive her loyal
and devoted knight for his negligence a week earlier?  Will the
florists get the "loyal" right, or will they write "beloved"
instead?  Will the crew of the Heisenberg ever let Kabeta live
this down, or will they forever harass her by whistling the tune
to "Dulcinea" when she enters the bridge?

Find out on the next exciting episode of


S T A R    T R E K :

            T H E   C R O U T O N   G E N E R A T I O N

---------------------------------

Date: Sun, 23 Feb 92 23:36:20 -0500
From: bryant@husc.harvard.edu
Subject: Heisenberg episode!  (SHORT)


Some of you might recall the short episode "Masquerade," from about this time
last year.  Here's another one much like it, only better...

From wald2@husc Sun Feb 23 16:31:06 1992
Date: Sun, 23 Feb 92 16:30:38 -0500
Subject: Teaser (*short*)

On the next exciting episode of Staaar Trek: The Crouton Generation:


                   CONUNDRUMBEATS


A Mysterious Alien Force (tm) causes the crew to forget who they are:

    [Scene: Ten forward]

    Thokk: I think I'm probably a frog.

    Metag: That makes sense--I'm pretty sure I'm a fountain pen, myself.

    Kabeta: For a while there I thought I was the famous Captain Kabeta
          --but that's silly.

And what their mission is:

    Kleber [dressed as a merchant from the planet Ren]: According to
          the communications logs, our orders are to . . . dance.

    Thokk [assuming command]: All right, all hands report to the bowling
          alley!

Can their feet survive?

    Metag: AIIIGGGGH!

And who is that mysterious stranger?

    Mysterious Stranger: Me? I'm one of Kabeta's suitors.

No, no, I mean the other one--with the sword.

    Sean: Beats me--I'm not even supposed to be *on* the Heisenberg.

To find out, tune in next week, when you'll see:

    Thokk [sidling up to random crewmember]: You know, for all we know,
         you might be an Orion spy. [Arrests him.]


--Kevin

-----------------------------

Date: Fri, 28 Feb 92 16:21:00 est
From: "The *Mad* Hatter (Papazisis, Despina)" 
Subject: just for Crossfire

On the nest episode of Star Trek: The Crouton Generation...

		Millikan's Isle
		or Bohring Fizix

When we last saw our heroes.... Ensign Aedoni and The Scribe were battling 
for their lives against the Bohrg.  The Bohrg are a new form of alien life 
that are microscopic and attack victims through their fizix text books!  Both 
Aedoni and the Scribe have the tell-tale signs of Bohrg infection... Dark 
lines under the eyes, glazed over look in eyes, and the most hideous of all 
the symptoms is the lack of short term memory.. 

Aedoni: Ok, what about Bragg Diffraction?

Scribe: What's that?

Aedoni: Well I have here in my note book that we studied it yesterday..

Scribe: Hmmmm.. that's funny I don't remember that at all..

Will the two fizix majors survive this one??? Will they ever get their short 
term memories back??? Will they *ever* pass a modern fizix test?????

Tune in next time true believers, for another exciting episode of...

Staaaaaar Trek: The Crouton Generation

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 1 Mar 92 16:40:45 -0500
From: donaghey@husc.harvard.edu (Thomas Donaghey)
Subject: Episodelet

Next week on Star Trek: The Crouton Generation:

Announcer: Chief Engineer Q. Torvald McDonagh has just made a strange discovery.

McDonagh [consulting pocket computer] Dear me. It says it's February 30th.
	And the day after tomorrow is Sept. 27th, 1909. [sips at his tea] Does
	this thing need new batteries, I wonder, or is reality on the blink
	again? 

Announcer: As usual, it seems to be the latter.

[A genie materializes out of McDonagh's teapot. He appears to be wearing coun-
try tweeds (including the cap) and a pair of Wellington boots.]

Genie [in a rough Yorkshire accent]: Ee, t'depends on what tha means by 
	reality, yunnit?

McDonagh: ...I don't believe I caught your name.

Genie: That be irrelevant. [McDonagh blinks, then grins.] But tha canst--

McDonagh: --call you Ira, yes, very good. Didn't know the leVants were in
	Yorkshire.

Announcer: But Ira has crucial information.

McDonagh: In other words, whoever determines our fates have been on a _lunch_
	break for the last few months?

Genie: Ar. And the episodes [pronounced AII-pee-sud-ehs] that be your fates
	canna be written. Tha'rt asleep now, and sleep tha must till they be
	finished and ready. [consults pocketwatch]

Announcer: Will the episode-writers, whoever they are, return to rescue
	the crew from permanent somnolence? Can McDonagh's subconscious
	find some way to restore chronology to the Federation? And what
	has Ira leVant got to do with all of this?

Find out all this--and much, much less--on the next potentially stirring
episode of Star Trek: The Crouton Generation!

McDonagh: Damn, my alarm clock's stopped too.


-----------------------------

Date: Sun, 1 Mar 92 16:44:18 -0500
From: ender2@husc.harvard.edu
Subject: ST:TCG Episode (Short)


Next time on STAAAAAAAAR Trek:  the Crouton Generation:

                        "Aversion Therapy"

One fateful stardate, in a back chip on Pandora, the main computer
for the _Heisenberg_ ...

[Camera shot of a relay burning out -- zot]

Pandora:  "Attention, all personnel.  Compiler chip, part #35312-343,
has burned out.  Replace immediately from ship's stores.  Until that
chip is replaced, all compilers are temporarily unavailable; except
the Connection Machine Fortran compiler, which was swapped out to
disk at the time."

What will happen when our heroes find the chip half-dissolved in a
small pile of slugs (see Kevin's episode)

Ensign Joe Fodder (holding the dripping half-chip)  "Ew."

And what might possibly happen when the Jolt-Warp drive gives out
unexpectedly, forcing all our programmers to use CM-Fortran for
SIX DAYS while we limp to a supply/repair base?

Matt Ender (staring in horror at 'ERROR (61):  NESTED WHERE LOOPS
NOT ALLOWED.')  "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!"

Uglier special effects than _Natural Trail to Hell in 3-D_, more
blood-curdling screams than _Nudist Colony of the Dead_, IT'S ... (no,
not the Flying Circus, silly)

                        "Aversion Therapy"

coming to all quality second-run horror-flick movies houses
everywhere!

----------------------------

Date: Sun, 1 Mar 92 16:52:30 -0500
From: donaghey@husc.harvard.edu (Thomas Donaghey)
Subject: Re:  ST:TCG Episode (Short)

MESSAGE FROM HEISENBERG CHIEF ENGINEER TO ALL STATIONS:

Er, we seem to be knee-deep in molten silicon down here. Major chip
malfunction, repeat major chip malfunction. Chips not so much burned
out as melted through. Ship's stores incomplete pending arrival at
Star Base Theta-Prime. Guys, we've got a problem. We can replace most
of the destroyed chips but we're still going to have major trouble
with Navigation and Life Support unless someone above decks can find
me three Chips #AA12O439pp0O. In short, (harrumph) Mayday, Mayday.
How fast can you folks up in R&D throw together a few Reality Chips?

---------------------------

Date: Sun, 1 Mar 92 17:35:41 -0500
From: ender2@husc.harvard.edu
Subject: ST:TCG Episode (Also Short)

Next time on STAAAR TREK:  The Crouton Generation:

                    "Stale NFS file handle"

When a mysterious stranger with a sword

Sean:  "No, not me.  I'm not _ON_ the Heisenberg.  The other one."
M.S. w/ Sword:  "yes, me."

boards the Heisenberg and chops Pandora's 'SC9A' disk to pieces for
not good reason at all,

Kleber:  "Why did you do _that_!"
M.S. w/ Sword:  "no good reason."

will our heroes engage the resources of ... SUPER-USER!  (secret
identity:  David Carlton, Fed. Intelligence) to recreate the
mysterious 'NFS link' out of thin air?

Trillian:  "Quite probably, I'm afraid."

Tune in next time for a good techno-weenie showing of
Star Trek:  The Crouton Generation.

-----------------------------


Date: Fri, 7 Feb 1992 00:30:36 -0700
From: The Great and Powerful Turtle 
Subject: ST:TCG  "Late Nite with Crispy Croutons"


Next time, on an all-new episode of Star Trek:  The Crouton Generation--

"Late Nite with Crispy Croutons"

Crossfire decides to stay late on campus (after attending a party, of course)
to do some homework buuuuuuut the Kunz appears *fwoooosh!* and sets him to
writing TCG episodes!  Will Crossfire ever manage to do his Cosmetology and
Relativity homework?  Does he even *care* how long it would take to get
to Andromeda galaxy from earth if travelling at .999999987c?  Will Pandora
the Psycho Kitty die from lack of Crossfire's scratches?  Soraya and Adrienne
enjoy a quiet evening alone (for once) as Crossfire struggles to do his
Number Theory on the next exciting episode of Star Trek:  The Crouton
Generation!!

--------------------------------


Date: Tue, 10 Mar 92 13:32:43 est
From: "Renaissance Fizixist (Papazisis, Despina)" 
Subject: ST:TDG


On the next exiting episode of The Crouton Generation....

			"Snow Business"
			   or
			"I can't wait till break!"


Here, on the Dickinson campus of Star Fleet Academy, where several of the 
Crouton officers have come back to do some futher research, Spring Break is 
only days away.  But it seems that on this latitude Spring has not come. 
Or has it, or does it just feel like playing Hide-n-Seek with humanity???
In this state of elemental chaos we find that those who have made certain 
plans for their break are counting down the days.

The Doctor:  T minus 4 days and counting... But I still haven't seen any 
	     snow!!!

Lady S:  T minus 11 days and counting, so there.. I won't see any snow cause 
	 all I'll be *really* looking at is Will!  *sigh*

Lady Janna:  *puke* [hits Lady S]  I'm really sick of all your 
	     lovey-dovey-willey stuff!!!  I really wish that Break would get 
	     here so that you'd calm down.

Lady S: Well you're just saying that because you don't have any one!!!  Wait a 
	second, there's Lord Phang!!!!! You'd make a wonderful couple!!!!

Lord Phang:  What??? [Turning to Lady Janna] Did she just say what I *thought* 
	     she said?!?!?!?!

Lady Janna:  Yep!!! She did!! I say we linch her!!!!

Lord Phang:  No, I have a better idea!! [whispers stuff to Lady Janna.]


This is the choas that the pre-break weeks leave the worn out croutons!!
Will they survive long enough to take their break?? Will the Doctor ever see 
snow?!!!?  Will Lady S survive the plans of the whispering whoremongers?!?!?!?


Tune in next time true believers... for the next enticing episode oooof:

Star Trek: The Dickinson Generation 

-------------------------------


Date: Tue, 31 Mar 92 13:12:55 est
From: "Renaissance Fizixist (Papazisis, Despina)" 
Subject: ST:TCG (short)

		Linear Lunacy

This morning Ensign (how the heck to do you get promoted in this place) 
Aedoni and The Scribe of Keta Sy'Babu were subjected to terror of the most 
unusual kind!!!!  They were sitting in their Linear Lunacy class when all of 
a sudden it is over run by trolls screaming "Row Rank" is an almost Scooby 
Doo sounding voices.

Aedoni: Oh no!!!!! The Baric Troll has cloned himself!!! 

Scribe: We must find a way to destroy them all!!!!!!!!!

Aedoni: I wonder if any linear meathods will work on them???

Scribe: I have it!!! We'll row reduce the trolls!!!!

Aedoni and the Scribe get out their trusty HB mechanical pencils, and start 
hacking apart the trolls till they are reduced to indentity matrices!!!!!
Unfortunately, during the battle Aedoni was bit by one of the little beasties. 
She starts scratching her stomach and saying things like "later in life",
"la la la la" and "This simple little thing really has no meaning at all."
The Scribe intentifies this desease as Mathabaricitis, and starts asking 
people if they know a cure.

Scribe: Do you know how to cure Mathabaricitis??

The Todd: Yeah sure, I know everything, but what *is* Mathabaricitis??

Then suddenly, a poof of smoke apears, and out pops the hyper Math Fairy.

Math Fairy: [jumping all around] I can help you cure her!!!

Aedoni: Now, Now Baric. [scratches stomach] This problem isn't that hard!

Scribe: Tell me quickly Math Fairy, she's getting worse. 

Math Fairy: Sure, you just have to find The Great Bottorfficus. He will have 
	    the cure.

Scribe: The Great Bottorfficus???

Math Fairy: [still as hyper as ever]  yeah!!! Just ask the BAT at the south 
            cave! He'll know where the Great One is.

Scribe: [getting really worried] But, but THE SOUTH CAVE!?!?!?!??!?!?!  It's 
	contaminated with Radon!!!!!!

Math Fairy: Well,if you want to save your friend, I'd say get a Radon proof 
	    suit.

Aedoni: Now everone, later in life we learned that.. [The Scribe shoves a note 
	book in Aedoni's mouth]

Scribe: [sighs] So I have to go to the South Cave, and ask the BAT where the 
	great Bottorfficus is, then ask him what the cure is?

Math Fairy: Yep, that's right!!! Ooops, I have to go now, I have an 
	    appointment to have my hair done.  The Spring Fairy Ball is 
	    tomorrow and I have to look my best!! [Another poof of smoke and 
	    she's gone!]

Scribe: Wait, Fairy, wait!! Damn!!  *sigh* [she turns to look at Aedoni who 
	seems to still be babbling even with the note book in her mouth]  Damn 
	Romulans!!!  Are you really worth the trek out to South cave????

To be continued...
	 
---------------------


Date: Thu, 2 Apr 92 13:17:23 est
From: "Renaissance Fizixist (Papazisis, Despina)" 
Subject: ST:TCG


		Linear Lunacy Part 2


When we last saw our faithful croutons, The Scribe was wondering weather or 
not Aedoni was worth the trouble of going to the South Cave. As we pick up the 
story again, she suddenly realizes that The Todd has caught Mathabaricitis as 
well.

The Todd: [scratching his stomach] Earlier in life, we learned that this 
	  problem has little to no use in the world of mathamatics today.

Aedoni: [getting worse and worse, seems to have acquired a sweater and a pot 
	belly, and had gotten rid of the note book in her mouth]
	No, no Baric of course it has some use.  We just have to find 
	where it's usefull.

Scribe: UGH!!! Now there's two of them!!!

But before the Scribe can make her final decision, all around her the rest of 
the class starts showing the symptoms of Mathabaricitis.  They start scraching 
their stomachs and then they start singing their theme song: "Span" (sung of 
course to the music of "Spam")

Class: Span, span, span, span,
       Span, span, span, span,
       SPAN!!! 
       Wonderful SPAN!!!!

Scribe: [screaming her head off] NO!!!!! Not Span!!!!!!!!! [calming down]
	I have to get out of here!! It seems that for the good of the many I 
	have to go and face the horrors of the South Cave!!!!!

She leaves the room with the singing students and starts her quest for the 
cure!

Five hours later, after she's delt with troubles and traps to be accounted in 
another story, she finaly reaches the entrance of the South Cave.  At the 
entrance sits a man with a small child in his lap.  The Scribe, thoroughly 
exhausted and totally confused, goes up to the man and colapses on the ground 
next to him.

Man: You seem to have traveled long and far, is there anything I can do to 
     help you?

Scribe: Uh... give me a second... to catch.. my breath...[after a few deep 
	breaths the Scribe is feeling much better and answers the man.]
	Yes, I am looking for the BAT of the South Cave. He is supposed to be 
	able to tell me where the Great Bottorfficus is.

Man: BAT... BAT... that is a name that I have not heard in a long time. 
     [starts rocking the child]

Scribe: But you do know where I can find it, don't you?

Man: Well, actually you already have.  I am the BAT that you seek.

Scribe: But.. but ... oh now I'm really confused...

BAT: Long time ago in a galaxy far, far, away....

Scribe: Please, don't go back that far, I need to find the Great Bottorfficus 
	soon so I can get the cure back to the students suffering from
	Mathabaricitis!

BAT: Well why didn't you say so in the first place!![gently stands up as to 
	not to wake the child.]  The Great One is up there. [points to the 
	ledge above the Cave.]

Scribe: You mean that I don't have to go through the South Cave??

BAT: Of course not!!! Who gave you *that* idea?? The South Cave has been 
     closed off to people since the discovery of the huge amounts of Radon. 
     I'm the gate keeper, and ever I don't go in there.

Scribe: Well the Math Fairy.. naw forget it.. I don't believe it myslef.
	[Starts up the hill to ge to the ledge]  Thank you for your help!

BAT: No problem, come back anytime.  And may the Cauchy-Schwarzt be with you!

to be continued...

-------------------------


Date: Thu, 9 Apr 92 14:04:35 edt
From: "Renaissance Fizixist (Papazisis, Despina)" 
Subject: ST:TCG Linear Lunacy Part 3 (end)

		Linear Lunacy part 3


When we last saw the Scribe, she was on her way to meet the Great Bottorfficus.
As she climbs up the side of the hill, she thinks that she hears a soft 
haunting melody of some sort of music along with the voice of a man.

Man: DAMN!!! I can't keep my balance! How will I *ever* get these equations 
right????

The Scribe has now reached the top of the hill, and she sees a small hut were 
all the noise seems to be coming from.  She cautiously walks up to it and 
looks in a window.  She sees a very tall man in toe shoes trying to keep his 
balance long enough to make a pirouette. 

Man: [just fell down again] DAMN!! DAMN!! DAMN!! [sits cross legged on the 
floor with his hands on his knees]

The Scribe decides that it's either now or never, so she knocks on the door.

Man: Go away, can't you see I'm sulking?

Scribe: [wondering how this man could possibly help her if he was]
	Um.. could you please tell me if you're The Great Bottorfficus?

Man: The Great Bottorfficus.. not that is a name that I haven't heard in a 
     long time.  Oh, sorry that was the last episode...  Umm please come in.

Scribe: [walks in] Well?  If you are, I need your help with an outbreak of 
        Mathabaricitis.

G.B.: Yes I am, but I haven't had anycome for for help in a long time.  It's 
      funny, they either come all at once and stay all night, and I have to 
      fight falling asleep to help them. Or there are long stints without
      seeing anyone at all. That's why I took up ballet, so I could have 
      something to do when noone comes to see me.  But then that got boring,
      so I started thinking about the physics behind it and...

Scribe: Umm.. that sounds really interesting, but could you please tell me how 
        I can cure people suffering from Mathabaricitis?

G.B.: Oh.. sure.. Hmmmm.. Mathabaricitis.  That's a nasty one.  Let's see if I 
      can find some thing to help you. But while I'm looking, tell me what 
      brings you here. [sticks his head in a closet and starts throwing things
      out of it]

Scribe: [dodging flying objects relates her story] And I need to get back soon,
	because I don't want it to spread any futher.

G.B.: [Coming out of the closet] I see. Well have no fear.  I think I've found
      what you need: The Normalizer!!!!!! [he shows the scribe what looks like
      a beer mug]

Scribe: [now convinced that he's crazy] Uh, yeah, sure, but how do I use it??

G.B.: All you have to do is shout N-O-R-M and this will release a spray that
      will normalize the victim.

Scribe: N-O-R-M?? Oh.. Norm! [a light spray of something or other comes from
	the mug] oh.. I see.  And you're sure that this will work?

G.B.: Yep. Positive!!!

Scribe: [still a little weary] Ok, thanks! [waves good bye]

G.B.: Oh, you're very welcome.  Please feel free to come back again when I
      I'm not bogged down with questions!!! [waves good bye]

The Scribe descends the hill, say hello to the BAT and heads back to the place
where the trolly ones are.		

She finally reaches the place that she left in shambles this morning, and
hears the ominous chanting of "Span!"

Scribe: [innnnhale.. exxxxhale...]  Ok, Mathabaricitis, HERE I COME!!!!!!

The following scene is hard to describe, but the simple version is the Scribe
runs into the room, mug 'a blazing, screaming "NORM!!!" at the top of her
lungs, and one by one all the stunned students fall to the ground and seem to
return to normal.  After everyone is hit, the Scribe collapses into a chair and
waits for everyone to regain consciouness..

Slowly everyone reagains consciousness, although they are confused as to what
happened.

Aedoni: Umm.. Scribe?  It smells like beer in here!! In the name of the
Elements, what happened here???? 

Scribe: Well after we were attacked by the trolls, you and everyone else got
	Mathabaricitis and started mumbling about things to being little usefull
	applications..

Aedoni: Come on Scribe, you know that's not possible, I'm a fizixist, not a
	psychopath.  You have to be making this up!  That's it!  You had a keg
	party in here and you wanted it all to yourself, and ..

The Scribe slugs Aedoni across the jaw, and Aedoni falls to the floor.

Scribe: The only good Romulan is an unconscious Romulan.

THE END

------------------------------


Date: Tue, 7 Apr 92 11:46:10 -0400
From: bryant@husc.harvard.edu
Subject: A rather strange episode (NOT REAL LONG)

The Heisenberg's two creative maniacs, Kevin Wald (Ensign Metag) andcx
Tom Donaghey (Q. Torvald McDonagh), are at it again... the "Guilderean"
language version of this is from Kevin, the translation from Tom.
--------

>From donaghey@husc Mon Apr  6 14:14:00 1992
Subject: The Guilder Episode


Someone was asking about the Guilder episode, and why hasn't anyone trans-
lated it. Kevin, who originally posted this episode, has declined to attempt
the full translation, claiming that he didn't speak enough of the actual
language to do a full and complete job.

I don't speak Guilderian particularly myself; but upon review of the text,
I noticed the striking resemblance the language has to German and Dutch. I've
had some experience with both (classes in one, a piano teacher who spoke the
other), and I thought I'd give the translation a whirl.

PLEASE NOTE: I do not guarantee that this is the full and complete translation
of this text. I have never been closer than eighty miles to Guilder, and am
not terribly familiar with Guilderian language and customs beyond a certain
point. This translation is of a necessity vague: I've just done the best I can.
Flames to Guilder (possibly via Kevin, whence this thing came in the first
place.)

==============================================================================

                En Altra Kidnapfenmente
		ANOTHER KIDNAPPING

[Skeina: Dy brijje dyre Heisenberg]
 SCENE: THE BRIDGE THERE [ON THE] HEISENBERG

Kabeta: Kapitanenthora, Sterndatum 13176.2. Wy bid interfedhia inte furn
     u gefuntizonen dyre figura des, u Magellianenkloed Mikkela. Haben
     ik semifergante, zum--[Dinze, en sonnen enorma ressonaren, end
     en Ranscheros Kryptos familiaryi appyernt.]
KABETA: CAPTAIN'S LOG, STARDATE 13176.2. WE'VE BEEN [DOING FIGURE-TENS
	IN AND OUT OF THE DEFUNCT-ZONE, HERE IN THE LARGE MAGELLIANIC CLOUD?]. 
	HAVE I SEMI-FORGOTTEN, FOR--[SUDDENLY: AN ENORMOUSLY RESONATING SOUND,
	AND A FAMILIAR HIDDEN [VALLEY] RANCHER APPEARS.]

Blu_tsijz: A, Kabeta, mid interziderota geflunte u zifot. Kethidia
     filemmon, Tchikki?
BLOOCHEEZ: AH, KABETA, WITH [seems to comment on her footwear, lit. "inter-
	esting `geflunte' on the feet"]. WHY ARE YOU [still?] FLYING THIS
	LEMON, CHICKIE? 

Kabeta [fru_mieusen]: Miz ny klepfen Tchikki!
KABETA [FRUMIOUSLY]: DON'T CALL ME CHICKIE!

Blu_tsijz: Ziropf! [Y siye kidnapfens. Dyi brijjenkrewe reacte 
     horroriske.]
BLOOCHEEZ: SHADDAP! [lit. "off-mouth!" AND KIDNAPS HER. THE BRIDGE CREW 
	REACTS, HORRIFIED.]

Furd: Wy miske filonten u dironten! Zu getemlen mid dy gesonda?
FURD: WE MUST FOLLOW AND DIVERT! SHOULD WE SEND TWO WITH [?] TO [getemlen
	probably translates either as the verb-equivalent of "gentlemen" or
	of "space-time continuum as we know it"; the text is unclear. If it
	is the former, it probably translates as "Should we send two with, t
	gentlemanify [the scoundrel]?"].

Tokk: Tokk smursch! Tokk krusche! Tokk--
THOKK: THOKK SMASH! THOKK CRUSH! THOKK--

Furd: Misurgen. En elte u zimonde?
FURD: BUT OF COURSE [or "mais certainment"]. ANOTHER TO [SEIZE] THE DAY?

Kleber: Gestinde int en geparande semifergans dy Rancheroi bid indhu
     flitst. Simbalte dyre hefilagra des, simischen dia. Zum u
     Totenschprekker, geunda filonten mid thoras. Mintakka geflust,
     ziroppen en planne subtille.
KLEBER: [Details a subtle plan (planne subtille) which hinges on a fact
	(geparande, lit. "[that]-which-makes-one-gape") about the Ranchers
	which is little-known (semifergans, "semiforgotten") but known to
	him as Speaker for the Dead, "Totenschprekker." The exact nature of
	the plan is difficult to translate, but is certainly vague and likely 
	only outlined in vague form; it may pertain to an earlier Guilderian
	episode.]

Furd: En meshuga-planne, dhu minst.
FURD: A MESHUGA-PLAN, YOU MEAN. (What a stupid idea.) 


[Skeina: Dy brijje dyre _C Unterboot_]
[SCENE: THE BRIDGE ON THE _C UNTERBOOT_]

Blu_tsijz: A, myne Kapitan-Tchikki, gesunta dyi geschenda zum u 
     mijke?
BLOOCHEEZ: AH, MY CAPTAIN-CHICKIE, [DON'T YOU SEE] YOU WERE MEANT TO BE
	SENT TO ME?

Kabeta: Hande zipfot! [Siy deronda u flindapfut. Ynder bilot, zint
     unde sinta angst, mid Vatter end Maetter, etc. Angst siy font,
     u thinde klamora angst. U angst. Angst Mikkela. Zimpfan 
     geflundezonen, end defungen u en mizindorn angst, gefunkte.
     Gervonten, en Kroutonizeinbeem appyernt, end Kabeta desappyernt.]
KABETA: GET YOUR HAND OFF MY FOOT! [at least as well as "zipfot" translates;
	see above. The following text is a bit obscure, but its constant ref-
	erences to "angst" seem referent to Freudian theory and indeed the
	entire tradition of German-Austrian psychoanalytic theory. Guilderian
	as a language is largely a product of German and Dutch; it seems
	reasonable for them to be consequently well up on their psychoanalytic
	theory. This passage seems to analyze Kabeta's mental state, "with
	Father and Mother, etc...angst, ...angst. And angst. Great angst."
	The postanalytic part of the passage shows Kabeta floundering about
	in angst, until ...SUDDENLY, A CROUTONIZING BEAM APPEARS, AND KABETA
	DISAPPEARS.]

Blu_tsijz: Schojte.
BLOOCHEEZ: SHIT.

[Skena: Dy brijje dyre Heisenberg.]
[SCENE: THE BRIDGE ON THE HEISENBERG.]

Furd: Gut returnent!
FURD: WELCOME HOME!

Kabeta: Je, returnent gut. Esty en Totenschprekkernmeshugaplanne?
KABETA: YES, GLAD TO BE BACK. WAS THAT ONE OF THE SPEAKER'S MESHUGA-PLANS?

Kleber: Je. End dhu ny gezinte transmogrifien ante u vulfas.
KLEBER: YES. AND YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO TRANSMOGRIFY INTO A WOLF.

Omnes: Schhhhhhhh!
ALL: SHHHHHHHH!
 
------------------------------------------------------------------------


Date: Thu, 9 Apr 92 16:50:42 edt
From: "Renaissance Fizixist (Papazisis, Despina)" 
Subject: for jen


			The Return of the Vulcan

At the now peacefull campus of the Dickinson part of Star Fleet Academy, 
T'Jellis just found out what happened to the Scribe and Aedoni. Her reaction:

T'Jellis: You mean that you actually got to punch the Romulan's lights 
	out?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!

Scribe: Yep, and I enjoyed every minute of it.

T'Jellis: Awwwwww I missed it!!!!  I wish that I could have seen that..
	or better yet, I wish I could hit her myself.

Scribe: Be my guest.  She's sitting over there.

T'Jellis walks over to where Aedoni is having a conversation with some guy in 
a blue suit with a weird looking tie, and hits her squarely on the jaw.

T'Jellis: Thanks Scribe, I feel much better now.


[This little episode should be expanded on in the next few weeks or so.]

--------------------------------


Date: Thu, 30 Apr 92 21:44:42 edt
From: "Renaissance Fizixist (Papazisis, Despina)" 
Subject: ST:TCG


		Rock and Revolution

Setting: Ensigns Aedoni and Random? are sitting in a dimly lit room somewhere 
in the bowels of the _U.S.S. Chivalier_.

Aedoni: So, do you think that they'll go for it?

Random?: Well, we won't know if we don't try.

Aedoni: Pray to the Elements and cross your.. well whatever you want to cross.

[Random? proceeds to cross just about every part of his body.  In his blue 
jumpsuit, he ends up looking almost like a blue pretzel.]

Aedoni:  Cut that out.  I'll need your help, don't tangle yourself up like 
	that!!

Random?: [uncrossing himself] *sigh* You never let me have any fun...

Aedoni: This isn't fun???  

Random?: Well if you put it that way.. let's get on with it.

[Aedoni picks up a medium sized black box and they both walk out of the room. 
The scene switches to what looks like a large social hall, where dozens of 
school age children seem to have been gathered.  In the midst of children 
running around two teachers are trying to hold a conversation.]

Teacher 1: *sigh* Now if we could only find someway of keeping them calm.

Teacher 2: Well this *is* the best behaved class. The problem that we have now 
	   is getting them interested in the history.  I hope the department 
	   came up with something...

T1: I'm sure that the department will.  They haven't let us down yet.

T2: Unfortunately, there's always a first time...

[While this is going on, there are problems behind the scenes. Three history 
teachers are trying to plan a presentation, but it doesn't seem to be 
working.]

HT1: Ok, we planned on showing them a presenstation about the Rebellion of 
     Titus 5, right?

HT2: [Flipping through note] Noooo, we were planning on showing them a 
     presentation of the Great Collapsing Hrung of Betelgeuse 7.

HT3: [throwing a fit] No! No! No! That's not it!!!  We have to do a
     presentation on the Development of the Plutonium Q-35 Explosive Space 
     Modulator.

[The three-some continue arguing while Aedoni and Random? sneak into the 
Social hall.]

Aedoni: [whispering] Ok, where do you want to set it up?

Random?: [whispering] On the ceiling! On the ceiling!

Aedoni: [whispering] Well.. if you can get on the ceiling...

Random?: [whispering] Of course I can do that! I'm like a God when I do that!

Aedoni: [to herself] Elements save me! [To Random? still whispering] Ok. Here 
        it is,[hands him the box] just make sure that the picture comes out 
	right.

Random?: Here I go to save the day!!!!!!

[with unparalleled arachnid skill Random? jumps to the ceiling, installs the 
holograph machine, and jumps back down.  In doing this he has gathered about 
him a large group of children who are amazed at this man in a blue suit]

Random?: Go away kids, ya batha me!

[Once the box is installed, Aedoni hits the "on" switch and all the lights go 
off. (oh.. sorry, this isn't the _Heisenburg_ that can't happen)]

[Once the bow is installed, Aedoni hit sthe "on" swtich on her remote and a 
group of young men with musical instruments apear at one side of the hall]

J-J: Helloooooo out there!  We're J-J and the Revolution, and we're here to 
     sing to you about the troubled times of Earth's past. Hit is guys!

Band: "You say you want a Revolution.. well you know, you just wanna change 
       the world...."

[As the band continues, the children flock to the holographic stage and are 
mesmerized by the band]

Aedoni: Good job, Bug Boy!

Random?: I always do a good job!

--------------------------