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The Crouton Generation Archives
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Star Trek: The Crouton Generation
Season 4: Episode Pack #26
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"Second Officer's Log, Stardate 103973.2. We are currently docked at Starbase
5603, where we are taking on new crew. We're about to get two new medical
ensigns, two for engineering, and a new security officer to replace Lt.
Mondegreen, who transferred to Starbase 6502."
[Scene: The _Heisenberg_'s main Croutonizer room. Lt. Commander Furd is
standing, padd in hand, checking a list of names. Lt. Lin-Elenuial is at
the controls, and Dr. Hertzman, Lt. Cdr. McDonagh, and Lt. Thokk are standing
about.]
Furd: All right, Iluvanna, you can Croutonize the new ensigns over now.
[The Croutonizer activates and five shapes, accompanied by luggage, materialize
on the pads. They are five absolutely normal-looking ensigns: one man and
one woman in medical blue, a woman and an alien whose gender is not immediately
identifiable in engineering yellow, and one man who, despite the fact that
security forces wear yellow, is clearly a security redshirt.]
Furd: Welcome aboard the Heisenberg! I'm Lt. Commander Furd the Nurd, Second
Officer. Glad to have you all on board. [glances down at padd] Let's
start with the medical folks. Ensign Azuretop?
Azuretop (the woman): Here, sir.
Furd: Good, good. And Ensign Aquadoublet?
Aquadoublet (the man, obviously): Right here.
Furd: This is Dr. Ruth Hertzman, our Chief Medical Officer. You'll be working
under her.
[Dr. Hertzman steps forward and shakes hands with her two new helpers. They
walk out of the Croutonizer Room together.]
Furd: Ensign Mustardrobe?
Mustardrobe (the woman in yellow): Ready and reporting for duty, sir.
Furd: And Ensign... Forgive me, Ensign, but I'm not at all sure how to
pronounce your name.
Alien Ensign: Yzgebirk is close enough.
Furd: Right ho. Ensigns Mustardrobe and Yz-ge-birk [enunciated very care-
fully], you'll be working with Lt. Commander McDonagh, our Silly Support
Chief and Chief Engineer.
[The ensigns, somewhat surprised by this unusual title, follow McDonagh off
to Engineering.]
Furd: And you must be Ensign Joe Fodder.
Fodder: That's right, sir.
Furd: This is our Security Chief, Lt. Thokk the Dismemberer.
[Fodder looks up at the large security chief, somewhat taken aback. Thokk
shakes Fodder's hand, and as Fodder picks up his luggage, they head out. After
they leave, Furd turns to Iluvanna.]
Furd: Did you see that? If I didn't know better, I'd think that Ensign Fodder
was wearing a ten-year service pin.
Iluvanna: Impossible. No security redshirt has *ever* survived ten years on
the job!
[Fade to black.]
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Star Trek: The Crouton Generation
"Blind Luck"
Written by Katherine Bryant
Directed by Gary Hren
Introducing Tox Donahue as Ensign Joe Fodder
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Captain's Log, Stardate 103973.4.
We are currently in orbit around the third planet of an as-yet unnamed
star we have discovered here in the LMC. Lt. Cdr. yaz-pistachio reports
ambiguous life-signs, and suggests that the odds of serious injury or death
to an away team are about 4 in 7. It's a bit risky, but our crew know how
to defend themselves. Lt. Cdr. Furd will be leading the away team, with
yaz and Thokk and a proper security complement."
[_Heisenberg_, Security Headquarters. Thokk is reviewing the troops to decide
who to take on this mission.]
Thokk: As you know, this is a potentially hazardous mission. [Every redshirt
in the room rolls his/her/its eyes, having heard this speech way too
many times before.] I need three people to go with me. [He scans the
room, his unusual height giving him a distinct advantage.] Hmm...
Ensign Rubyshift, Ensign Doomtody, Ensign Hysstori, you're coming.
And you -- new man -- what was your name again?
Fodder: Ensign Joe Fodder, sir. [As he says his name, there is a slight ripple
of whispering among some of the assembled redshirts.]
Thokk: Fodder. Right, you're coming too. Dismissed.
[Cut to surface of your standard, vaguely dangerous-looking planet. We see
seven Croutonizer beams activate, and then Furd, yaz, Thokk, and the four
security redshirts.]
Furd: yaz -- any life signs?
[yaz scans around with tricorder and all the other usual nifty science stuff.]
yaz: Yes... I think. It looks like a vegetation reading, but kind of animal
too.
Doomtody: Must be man-eating plants. It always is.
Furd: Now, now, Ensign. That's rather pessimistic of you. All right. Let's
split up and explore. yaz, you take Rubyshift and Hysstori and go check
out the forest over there [pointing]. Doomtody, you and I will go
check out the meadows over the hill. And Thokk, you and Fodder go
take a look at the lake. Rendevous in [checks chronometer] forty-five
minutes. And stay in touch! We don't know what we're dealing with here.
[We follow Thokk and Fodder as they pick their way down a hillside to a rather
innocuous-looking lake. As they walk, Thokk spots the decorations on Fodder's
uniform.]
Thokk [curiously]: What's that pin you're wearing, Ensign? [He points to
one of them.]
Fodder: The Ultraviolet Heart, sir.
Thokk: The *Ultraviolet* Heart? I've never met anyone who got that before.
[Fodder shrugs, looking faintly embarrassed.]
Fodder: I've had a lot of narrow escapes in my time. They can only give you
so many Purple Hearts, I guess, so they gave me one for the same thing,
only with much higher frequency.
[The pun is totally lost on Thokk, who has stopped at the shore of the lake.]
Thokk: Looks pretty normal, if you ask me.
Fodder: Don't be so sure, sir. They always look that way.
[Thokk is about to take offense at this ensign telling him what to think, but
he remembers what Fodder said about having been in lots of scrapers, and
decides not to. Instead, he pulls out a tricorder and begins scanning. Just
then, Thokk's communicator bleeps.]
yaz (ic, sounding frantic): L'tenant! C'mander! Help! We're under attack
by enormous man-eating plants! I've lost Ruby-
shift, and Hysstori's not in good shape either!
Furd (ic): Bloody hell! [We hear a scream in the background.] Auugh! We've
got them too! They've got Doomtody! Get back here, Thokk!
Thokk (hitting communicator): On our way. Come on, Ensign!
Fodder: Just a sec. Gotta tie my shoe.
[Fodder bends down to tie his shoe. Just as he does so, a rather hideous-
looking sentient seaweed emerges from the lake. If he hadn't bent down, it
would have had him in its jaws; as it is, it slams into a tree. Thokk hears
the sound, spins around, and phasers the beast.]
Thokk: Fodder! You all right?
Fodder (standing up): Sure. What was that?
Thokk (nonplussed by his seeming indifference): Do you have *any idea* how
lucky you are?
Fodder (sighs): I've been told that before.
[They run off to aid their fellow officers.]
[Cut to the forest. Furd has come to yaz's aid. We see the bodies of Ensigns
Hysstori and Rubyshift on the ground. Doomtody is nowhere to be seen. Furd
and yaz are fighting what appears to be an enormous Venus Flytrap. Suddenly,
Thokk charges out of nowhere, phaser blazing. Fodder is not far behind him,
at a full run.]
Furd: Thank God you're here! The damn thing won't die!
Thokk: We'll see about that. [He fires his phaser (at maximum vaporize,
of course) at the plant, which, annoyed, turns toward him. This is,
while unpleasant for Thokk, rather nice for yaz, who's been taking
the brunt of the attack.]
yaz: Damn! [He begins looking around for something other than a phaser to
attack with.]
[Meanwhile, Fodder, still at a full run, is attempting to draw his phaser. It
gets tangled in some nearby underbrush, and he falls. In doing so, he knocks
yaz flat on his back, thereby narrowly avoiding having both of them eaten by
the plant (who had overshot while attempting to devour Thokk).]
yaz: Oof! Ensign, if you please...
Fodder: Sorry...[he pauses, then spots yaz's collar-pins]...Commander.
[yaz looks up as Fodder gets up, seeing the tree that the man-eating plant
munched when it missed them.]
yaz: Yipe. That was lucky.
[Fodder groans. yaz looks at him curiously, then snaps back to realization of
the battle. Furd and Thokk are fighting hard, but the plant refuses to die.
Ensign Hysstori's body is accidentally vaporized by phaser fire.]
yaz: Any ideas, Ensign?
Fodder: Well... if we could distract it long enough, we could slip the other
three of us round behind it and try to cut it off its stem. It *is*
a plant, isn't it, sir?
yaz: Near as we can make out, yup. I like your idea... but the only way to
distract it would be to sacrifice one of us. It doesn't pay attention
to any one person for very long unless it's about to kill it.
Fodder: I volunteer.
yaz: We've already lost three redshirts on this mission!
Fodder: It's our job. Besides, [he points at the Ultraviolet Heart and his
ten-year service pin] I've gotten out of worse situations than this.
[yaz peers at the insignia.]
yaz: The *Ultraviolet* Heart? Wow! But what's the other thing? Never seen
that on a redshirt before.
Fodder: It's a ten-year service pin.
[yaz boggles. He doesn't boggle long, though, because just then Furd and
Thokk, on the run, come up to where Fodder and yaz have been debating.]
Furd: Are you two going to help us or just stand here? That thing's
indestructible!
yaz: Actually, Fodder here had an idea.
Thokk: Hey, redshirts aren't supposed to get ideas!
yaz: All right, if you prefer, *I* had the idea. But he did the thinking. [He
winks at Fodder.]
[Cut back to the battlefield. All is still -- the plant is calmly devouring
the remnants of Ensign Hysstori when Fodder casually saunters out from behind
a bush.]
Fodder: Hungry?
[The plant senses his presence and turns its attention towards him. Fodder
fires a phaser -- not really set very high -- at it, which, as expected,
annoys it thoroughly. It begins to attack him. As it stretches out towards
him, we see three shapes dart from behind the bush toward the plant's stem.
Fodder continues firing at the plant, while we see Furd, Thokk, and yaz sawing
hurriedly at the stem with makeshift saws. Fodder is being backed into a
glade surrounded on three sides with thick underbrush, and is looking around
rather desperately for a way out.]
Fodder: Hurry up...
[Fodder is now thoroughly trapped in the glade. He trips while backing up,
and falls. He looks up to see the rather hideous maw of the plant looming
over him -- and then falling on him. He rolls out of the way, and into the
underbrush. He is badly scratched, and ends up under the bushes. The plant,
its stem at last severed, crashes to the ground beside him. We hear Furd's
voice:]
Furd: Ensign? Ensign Fodder?
yaz: There's no way he could have survived. Look where the thing backed him
into.
[Cut to outside the bushes. Thokk, yaz, and Furd are standing around looking
at things. yaz has brought Doomtody's body to lie next to Rubyshift's and
the very small remnant of Hysstori's.]
Thokk: Damn. He seemed like a good one too.
[We hear a muffled sound from the bushes. The three officers look at each
other curiously, then take their saws and begin cutting through the brush.
They uncover Fodder, looking bruised and scratched and very glad to see them.]
Fodder (as they help him to his feet): I was afraid you wouldn't find me.
Furd: How on earth did you manage to roll out of the way in time? You're a
very lucky man, you know that.
Fodder (groans again): Yes, I do.
[Furd taps his communicator.]
Furd: _Heisenberg_, four living and three... not... to beam up.
[Cut to _Heisenberg_, a table at Ten Forward. Thokk, yaz, Furd, and Kabeta are
sitting and talking.]
Thokk: I tell you, the man's uncanny. He survived three unsurvivable
situations, through total flukes.
yaz: He wears a *ten-year* service pin, too!
Furd: I thought so! No redshirt's *ever* survived that long, though.
[Just then, Ensign Redshirt and Ensign Crimsontunic walk by. They overhear
this tidbit of conversation.]
Redshirt: Are you talking about the new Ensign, Joe Fodder?
Thokk: Yes, Ensign. Why -- do you know him?
Crimsontunic: Not personally, sir, but there's not a redshirt in the fleet
that hasn't heard of him. He's survived more away team missions
than any redshirt in history -- generally through blind luck.
Furd: I can see why -- someone dealt him an incredible hand when it came
to fate.
Redshirt: We generally call him The Luckiest Redshirt in Known Space. I've
never seen anyone so lucky.
[The Ensigns go on their way.]
Thokk: Blind luck. It's just blind luck. I don't know how or why, but the
man has an unfair share of it. Truly amazing.
[Cut to Ensign Fodder's quarters. He's arranging his belongings (remember, he
just arrived on board!).]
Fodder: Well, another mission gone. And three more impossibly lucky escapes.
[He sighs.] The Luckiest Redshirt in Known Space strikes again...
[He grimaces. Clearly, he's had too many people call him that...]
[FADE TO BLACK.]
---------------------------------
Date: Wed, 13 May 92 10:45:10 EDT
From: Knight of the Wolves
Subject: "Anxiety Attack" (TCG4, short)
"Anxiety Attack"
Dave Quixote is interrupted while working on recalibrating the crouton
tubes by three super-powered entities claiming to represent the Cum
Laude Continuum. Suddenly Quixote is filled with anxiety as he is
forced to defend his Star Fleet honor's thesis on Classic Star Trek and
its religious themes. Will Quixote survive the terrible machinations
of the Readers, or will they sneer at his attempts to find meaningful
interpretations in popular culture? How much rewriting will he be
expected to do? Find out in fifteen minutes on an all-new exciting
episode of
S T A R T R E K :
T H E T H E S I S G E N E R A T I O N
(P.S. This may be the only chance you have to see Dave Quixote wearing
dress clothes and a tie, yet another plot complication of the Cum Laude
Continuum.)
-----------------------------------
Date: Thu, 14 May 92 18:07:31 edt
From: "Renaissance Fizixist (Papazisis, Despina)"
Subject: ST:TCG (short)
Attack of the Pound Puppy of Stress
Ensign Random? walks around the decks of the _Chivalier_.
Random? : I'm stressed. Stressed.. stressed... stressed... I've been here 3
weeks and I'm already stressed. Too many tests... too many papers...
too many damn ....
[suddenly, out of nowhere comes a pound puppy to lick his face.]
Random? : Get off of me you mangy mut!
[The poundy puppy gets off his face, but keeps following him]
Random? : Well what you do want??? Why don't you leave????? Can't you see I
want to be alone??
[The puppy wimpers and suddenly Random? understands what the dog is saying
(it's the Tick in him.)]
Random? : Ohhhhh so you're the Pound Puppy of Stress, huh? Come to help me get
rid of stress, huh? Well I suppose that I could use a side kick in my
fight to be the _Chivalier's_ Super Hero. Now we must find you a
name.....
To be continued....
-----------------------------------
Date: Tue, 02 Jun 92 12:23:58 EDT
From: Knight of the Wolves
Subject: One of Our Starships is Missing (TCG4, short)
"One of Our Starships is Missing"
Something is bothering Admiral Avenger lately:
Avenger: They haven't reported in for months. Do they even exist any
more?
Bradford: Actually, at least two of our starships are missing. We
haven't heard from the Chivalier in ages, either.
And so at last, action is necessitated:
Avenger: I want the Subaru to locate the USS Comatose and the USS
Chivalier. They've been missing for ages.
Quixote: No doubt Freston has stolen them, or so ensorcled the minds
of their leaders that they have been led astray on the vast ocean.
hj: Where were they last seen?
Avenger: That's just the thing. We don't know. We're not even sure
they were ever seen. Mark can't even confirm their existence
outside of their registries.
And so the Subaru begins the search . . .
Palmer: It's a big galaxy, Captain.
hj: Give me fifty, Jimbo--you quoted from Classic Star Trek without
citing your sources.
Will the Chivalier be found? Does the Comatose actually exist any more?
Did it ever exist? Has Freston been stealing starships to assemble a
massive war fleet to invade the Federation? Find out next time on
S T A R T R E K :
T H E C R O U T O N G E N E R A T I O N
-----------------------------------
Date: Wed, 03 Jun 92 11:34:26 EDT
From: Knight of the Wolves
Subject: One of Our Starships is Missing, Part Two (TCG4, short)
"One of Our Starships is Missing"
Things are just getting worse in the Large Magellanic Cloud:
Bradford: The Melbourne's gone, too, Bob.
Avenger: What!? Another one? Raise me the Croutonprize!
n.d. Ensign: No response, sir. It's as though the Croutonprize just
disappeared, too.
Bradford: The Heisenberg? We can always count on Kabeta.
n.d. Ensign: No luck, sir. They're missing, too.
Avenger: The Subaru and two starbases are all we have left to defend
the Federation's LMC branches.
But Commander Palmer has some bad news!
Palmer: Captain half japanese is missing, Admiral. We've searched the
entire starship, and there's no trace of her or Skywise.
Avenger: Effective this stardate, you are to assume temporary command of
the Subaru until relieved by your captain or a superior officer.
Can the Subaru find the rest of Star Fleet? Can the Subaru find hj?
(Does Commander Palmer want to find hj if it means more push-ups?)
And WHO is stealing the entire fleet? Find out next time, on an all-new
exciting episode of
S T A R T R E K :
T H E C R O U T O N G E N E R A T I O N
-----------------------------------
Date: Mon, 08 Jun 92 15:08:50 EDT
From: Knight of the Wolves
Subject: One of Our Starships is Missing, Part Three (TCG4, short)
"One of Our Starships is Missing," Part Three
THE ENTIRE FLEET IS MISSING, EXCEPT FOR THE SUBARU!
Kessner: Sir, I have the information you requested on the ships' last
reported whereabouts.
Palmer: Where were they?
Kessner: The Chivalier last reported in while orbiting Asimov-3.
Nothing unusual in their reports. The Croutonprize last reported
while exploring the Daneel-Giskard Cloud; the Melbourne was last
seen wrecking a starbase while leaving dock; the Croutonprize,
while charting the Darius Just system.
Palmer: And the Heisenberg?
Kessner: Last anyone knew, they were doing warp 6.
Palmer: Where were they?
Kessner: We can only know their speed or their location, Captain. Not
both.
Palmer: If I were hj, I'd have you do push-ups. Luckily for
you, I'm not. (pause) Where was the Comatose last sighted?
Kessner: Actually, sir, there doesn't seem to be any record that we
EVER knew where the Comatose was. Some of the ensigns believe
she's a sort of Flying Dutchman, if you get my meaning.
BUT SUDDENLY THINGS GET WORSE!
Quixote: This foul abduction must be avenged!
Panza: Dave, put down your lance. This isn't the place!
[Quixote has armed himself with a long lance and is waving it about
main engineering.]
Panza: Dave--I'm sure Missy is still around here!
Quixote: Nay, she is not--the foul Freston has abducted her!
[Quixote, full of indignation, charges forward, tripping over some fat
ensign and nearly ripping the controls out of the warp drive computer.
A burly security officer (unfortunately wearing red) tries to stop him,
slips and slides into an airlock which latches shut behind him and opens
wide as Quixote swings his lance around, looking for Freston.]
Panza: Security chief Panza to Captain Palmer.
Palmer: (ic) Palmer, bridge here . . . err--what is it, Panza?
Panza: Missy's gone missing, and Dave seems bent on finding her.
Palmer: (ic) Missing? What do you mean--missing?
Panza: He says she just disappeared, she just blinked out of existence.
WILL THE SUBARU CREW FIND THE REST OF THE FLEET? WILL QUIXOTE FIND
THE LADY MISSY? WHERE IS hj? AND ARE DESSIE AND I COLLABORATING ON
THIS SILLINESS? FIND OUT NEXT TIME, ON AN ALL-NEW, EXCITING EPISODE OF
S T A R T R E K :
T H E C R O U T O N G E N E R A T I O N
-----------------------------------
Date: Wed, 10 Jun 92 14:50:24 EDT
From: Knight of the Wolves
Subject: "One of Our Starships is Missing," Part 4 (TCG4, short)
"One of Our Starships is Missing," Part 4
CAPTAIN PALMER CONTINUES THE SEARCH FOR THE FLEET!
Practor: We are now orbitting Asimov-3.
Palmer: Begin scan for residual particle traces from the Chivalier's
warp drive. The trail is several days old, so it's going to be
faint--probably just a slightly higher concentration of Clarkian
particles than in empty space.
Kessner: Scan commencing. (long pause) Captain, I'm reading a slight
rise of particles on heading mark 278.3 by 12.
Practor: That is most illogical. That heading would take the Chivalier
straight into Asimov-3.
Palmer: Lay in the course, Lieutenant. If Captain Chow could go
through the planet, so can we.
Kessner: But, sir! There's no reason to believe they went that way--it
could just be a random gathering of particles!
Palmer: Lay in the course, Lieutenant!
Practor: Captain, quoting regulations 3.17.9120, "No officer shal--"
Palmer: Do it and engage on my mark . . . now!
[Practor engages and suddenly disappears.]
IS COMMANDER PALMER TRYING TO DESTROY THE SHIP? WHAT HAPPENED TO
LIEUTENANT PRACTOR? WHERE IS THE FLEET? WHO AUTHORIZED PRACTOR'S
PROMOTION? AND HOW MANY LICKS *DOES* IT TAKE TO GET TO THE CENTER OF
A TOOTSIE POP?
Tune in next time to an all new, exciting episode of
Star Trek:
The Crouton Generation
-----------------------------------
Date: Fri, 19 Jun 92 16:06:23 EDT
From: Knight of the Wolves
Subject: One of our Starships is Missing, Part Five (TCG4, short)
"One of Our Starships is Missing"
Part Five
THE SUBARU IS HEADED FOR A CRASH-LANDING ON A PLANET!
[Cut to: Subaru, homing in on Asimov-3. The surface of the planet
looms larger and larger on the screen. Impact and total destruction
is certain. BUT, the planet disappears as soon as the ship touches it.]
Kessner: A hologram? Asimov-3 is a hologram?
Palmer: Never mind that! Where's Practor?
Jen-L: (ic) Captain! I'm down in sickbay, but my entire staff is gone!
Palmer: (begins pulling hair out) What is happening to our crew?
WILL THE ENTIRE SUBARU CREW DISAPPEAR?
Quixote: Boy, have you noticed how empty the halls of the Queen's
castle seem lately?
Palmer: (hushed) Gone. They're all gone. I *knew* I should have
retired when I had the chance.
WHAT HAS MADE EVERYONE VANISH?
Quixote: My lady! The joke has gone too far. I must insist, in keeping
with the laws of chivalry and courtly behavior that you appear at
once!
Heian: I think the lieutenant has finally flipped, dear.
CAN COMMANDER PALMER FIND THE ANSWER BEFORE HE VANISHES TOO?
Palmer: Warp bubbles? Could one of Wesley Crusher's science projects
survived all this time? Could the Boy be destroying Star Fleet?
FIND OUT NEXT TIME, ON AN ALL-NEW, EXCITING (well, maybe not) EPISODE OF
S T A R T R E K :
T H E C R O U T O N G E N E R A T I O N
-----------------------------------
Date: Tue, 23 Jun 92 13:44:41 EDT
From: Knight of the Wolves
Subject: "One of Our Starships is Missing," Part Six (TCG4, short)
"One of Our Starships is Missing"
Part Six
Beverly: If there's nothing wrong with me, there must be something
wrong with the universe!
Palmer: Hey--this is our show! Get out! OUT! OUT!
[Crusher leaves.]
Quixote: Boy, that was a most unseemly way to treat a la--
[Quixote disappears.]
Palmer: Dave? Dave? DAVE!?
EVERYONE IS MISSING EXCEPT FOR COMMANDER JAMES T. PALMER!
Palmer: Heian, is there any warp field disturbance in this vicinity?
Heian: A minor warp bubble gateway is closing on the bridge.
Palmer: Divert any necessary power from the warp engines to keep it
open! I'm going through!
[Palmer dives through the warp bubble and finds himself in a ship the
size of a small moon, filled with lifeforms of every imaginable sort,
all stored in some sort of stasis. Several doors line one of the
walls with labels such as "Melbourne," "Croutonprize," "Heisenberg,"
and "Chivalier." Palmer peers in through one of the door windows and
sees a vast space, the size of a small moon, and in that space floats
the Heisenberg, with no activity on the ship.]
Palmer: Warp bubbles within warp bubbles, worlds within worlds...
Voice: (from behind) You're not supposed to be here.
[Cut to an old dude in a red jumpsuit with a cape, no teeth, no pupils,
and spiked grey hair.]
HAS MARVEL COMICS INVADED THE CROUTONVERSE AGAIN? CAN COMMANDER PALMER
SAVE THE DAY? AND WHY IS THIS OLD GUY STEALING THE FLEET? FIND OUT
NEXT TIME, ON AN ALL-NEW, EXCITING EPISODE OF SPEED RACER, I MEAN,
S T A R T R E K :
T H E C R O U T O N G E N E R A T I O N
-----------------------------------
Date: Fri, 03 Jul 92 12:55:29 EDT
From: Knight of the Wolves
Subject: "One of Our Starships is Missing," Part Seven (TCG4)
"One of Our Starships is Missing"
Part Seven
COMMANDER PALMER IS TRAPPED IN AN ALIEN SHIP!
Humanoid: Now what are you doin' here? You ain't sposed to be here!
Palmer: er...uhhh.... Where am I exactly?
Humanoid: This is my ship. Of course, since you're inside the ship,
you're in sub-subspace.
Palmer: Oh. (pause) Well who are you?
Humanoid: I'm the Gatherer. More to the point, who are you?
Palmer: I'm Commander James T. Palmer, temporarily commanding the USS
Subaru.
Gatherer: Nope, ya shouldin be here at all. I don't gather your sort.
Palmer: Gather? My sort? What do you mean by that?
Gatherer: Boy, a long time ago, my species died out. I'm the last
member of yet another very old and very powerful race. My sole
reason for living is to collect moss plants from around the
universe and keep them in stasis in case anything happens to the
universe's moss plants.
Palmer: (thinking about snow tires) I see.
Gatherer: Now this here galaxy, it's the first one where I found that
moss plants had discovered how to travel through space. Got a
bunch of them and their ships right here.
[The Gatherer leads Palmer over to the door marked "Heisenberg."]
Gatherer: These mosses seem to run their ship on some sort of
improbability drive.
Palmer: (to himself) Mosses?
Gatherer: These mosses seem to make an award out of destroying plants
that were created with the ability to grow taller, and even make
little crunchy cubes out of them.
Palmer: Little crunchy cu--the Croutonprize!?
Gatherer: There was one ship of moss I was following, they named their
ship after the soobaroo mosses in the Kelvan Empire in the
Andromeda Galaxy. Never know how they flew out there on something
as antique as matter/antimatter. Didn't think their ship was worth
gatherin', so I just gathered them up one by one.
Palmer: What about the Melbourne? The Chivalier?
Gatherer: (thinking) Ayup, found 'em, too.
Palmer: The Comatose?
Gatherer: Never heard of it. Who'd wanna collect comatose mosses,
anyway?
Palmer: But there's been a mistake--they AREN'T moss plants . . . .
[And thus begins a long sordid discussion about the differences in
anatomy between the humanoid races of the Federation and the simple
mosses the Gatherer has been looking for. Some time later, the ships
are released from the Gatherer's ship, and hover about in the middle of
space as he disappears.]
Kabeta: (ic) Well, there he goes, off to gather more mosses for his
collection.
Muirden: (ic) Right. With any luck, the bugger'll be able to tell
the bloody difference next time.
Chow: (ic) Commander Palmer, I just wanted to repeat my thanks for
rescuing us.
Palmer: (ic) You're welcome, sir. I just wish I knew where hj was.
The Gatherer claims he never saw her--it's possible she was
abducted by somebody else.*
[*I have no idea what Dessie plans to do with this.]
CAN THE MISSION (FINALLY!) BE CONCLUDED?
Palmer: (ic) That's my report, Admiral.
Avenger: But what about the Comatose?
Palmer: (ic) Well, we checked the records, and there is some record of
their appearing before, a while ago. Nothing recent, though. Not
for at least a year.
Avenger: ^%^&%&%#!!
Palmer: (ic) Sir?
Avenger: Give me fifty push-ups!
Palmer: (ic)
-----------------------------------
Date: Sun, 7 Jun 92 14:00:36 edt
From: "Renaissance Fizixist (Papazisis, Despina)"
Subject: ST:TCG
Murders in the Rue Micro Room
IT seems that the _Chivalier_ has lost all contact with the rest of
Croutondom. The ship itself is nowhere to be found, but several members of
it's crew have found themselves lost in a world beyond the bounds of the
Federation, a place that the rest of humanity seems to have forgotten, a town
in the middle of nowhere, CARLISLE!!!!!!
Ensign Aedoni and Lt. Yee have taken up jobs computer consulting at the local
college. One day while Aedoni and Yee are working, and business is as slow as
ever, a familiar face strolls into the Micro Room.
Aedoni: [To Yee] Hey, don't we know her??
Yee: Yeah!!! [To the familiar person.] Hey T'jellis, nice to see ya, seen any
good movies lately???
T'jellis: What are you doing here? [raises and eyebrow] The rest of the fleet
has assumed that you are missing. How did you come here?
Aedoni: We don't know. One day we were on the ship, next day we were in this
Element forsaken place. [extends her hands to show the Micro Room]
Yee: Yeah, and the local movie theater has nothing good playing.
Aedoni: So, in short, we've been bored senseless.
T'jellis: I see. Oh, Lt., to answer your question, I did see the lastest
sequel to "Basic Instinct". Very..uh.. unusual first scene.
Yee: Ohhhhhh. I can't wait till it comes out!!!!!
Aedoni: [shakes her head] *sigh* Anyway... T'jellis what are you doing here?
I'd like to think that you came to rescue us, but I highly doubt it.
T'jellis: You are quite correct. I have come looking for Captain hj. It
seems that most of the ships in the fleet have disappeared, leaving
only the _Subaru_, but the captain is missing as well.
Aedoni: But what makes you think that she's here? Where's the logic?
Yee: Welll there was that little incident two weeks ago...
Aedoni and T'jellis: What little incident????
Yee: Well it happened like this: I was sitting here working when this woman
came in, babbling in some oriental language that I couldn't understand. She
also had a young wolf with her. I went up to her to tell here that the wolf
was not allowed in here, but she just spouted some more in that language. I
figured that it was useless to argue with her, so I left her alone to do her
work. Later, someone came in to talk to her, she yelled at him, and then he
started doing push ups on the floor. When he finished, he left without
another word. Tem minutes later, the lights went out. Since this room is so
badly equiped, I couldn't find a flashlight. Then I heard a scream. I was
afraid to move, and I had no idea what was going on, so I stayed in my seat.
A few minutes later, the lights came back on, and the lady was gone. I looked
around, and her stuff was gone, so I figured that B&G just screwed up again,
and that she was afraid of the dark. There wasn't any damage, so I didn't
think anything of it. But since you mentioned the captain missing, I thought
of it.
T'jellis: Ahh.. I see. That could have been the captain, but I don't
understand why she didn't speak any English.
Aedoni: Wonderful! In the middle of nowhere with a mystery to solve...
To be continued...
-----------------------------------
Date: Fri, 19 Jun 92 19:19:58 edt
From: "Renaissance Fizixist (Papazisis, Despina)"
Subject: ST:TCG "Murders" part 2
Murders in the Rue Micro Room (Part 2)
The scene is the micro room, with Aedoni, T'jellis and Yee crowded around the
desk were the woman, thought to be captain hj, sat while doing her work.
Aedoni: I suppose that we're lucky that B&G doesn't clean up more often.
T'jellis: Yes, were are. If the woman left any clues as to her identity, we
we should find them.
Yee: [searching under and behind the desk] Wait! I've found something.
[holds up a sheet of paper that looks like a post card] This was wedged
between the desk and the floor!
T'jellis: It seems to be a postcard from somewhere. I cannot read the
language on the back though..
Aedoni: Hand it to me, we can run it through a scanner, then into a universal
translator. This town might be a bit backward, but at least the
college is well equiped. [sighs] Now if only this micro room was...
The trio walk over to another building, to use the equipment described above.
While the three work on the postcard, other things occur elsewhere in Carlisle.
In a small town house a woman and what looks like a wolf pup are sleeping in a
bedroom. In the living room of the same house, two men are having a
conversation.
Man#1: So what does the Boss want with her?
Man#2: I ain't got no clue. Alls I know is he want's her bad!!
Man#1: It seems strange that he'd want a woman. All he usually deals with are
the heads of other organizations. Unless that is the woman is the head
of something.... but then she also doesn't speak English, and he's never
dealt with foreign countries before..
Man#2: We ain't gonna have to kill her, is we? I mean Iz never killed a woman
before. Youz always dones that.
Man#1: I do not know.. But if I have anything to say about it, you will not
have to deal with her at all. [walks to a window and looks out. Speaking
to himself:] Yes, if I have anything to do about it, I'll have you
thrown in the Sasquahanna and I'll never have to deal with you or your
broken English again.
The scene now returns to the three working the beasement of a building.
As the translator processes the data, the three talk over their finding.
T'jellis: Depending on the language, it could tell us where she's been.
Yee: Or it could say where she has friends.
Aedoni: Unfortunately, it could tell us a great deal of things, but we won't
know anything till..[the translator beeps] well here comes the
information that we've been look for.
The screen that the three have been looking at types the following:
DATA PROCESSED
LANGUAGE CONFIRMED
LANGUAGE JAPANESE
The three look at each other and shake their heads in agreement. The missing
captain of the _Subaru_ was definitely in Carlisle.
To be continued in September....
-----------------------------------
Date: Sun, 28 Jun 92 20:40:44 -0400
From: ender2@husc.harvard.edu (Matt Ender)
Subject: Connectivity - STTCG short
Next on Staaaaaaar Trek: The Crouton Generation:
"Connectivity"
When the _Heisenberg_'s computers won't talk to each other for fourty-five
days, will the dryup of the information flow strangle the crew's creativity?
And when alien weirdo Matt Ender manages to hook back into Federation
system, through a 20th century VAX located in Alaska on Terra, will strained
brains snap at the line delays? Find out next time on Star Trek:
The Crouton Generation.
This episode of Star Terk: The Crouton Generation is brought to you in
part by Loopitech, makers of fine Veg-o-matics and Home Lobotomy Kits.
-----------------------------------
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