==================================
Star Trek:  The Crouton Generation
Season 5, Pack #1
==================================

Date: Sat, 25 Sep 1993 15:30:31 -0600
From: The Great and Powerful Turtle 
Subject: ST:TCG4 "It's A Wonderful Crouton"

[Exterior, space.  We see the Crossfire's ship, the _Courser_, go by on warp
 drive.]

[Interior, _Courser_.  The view starts at the back of the main cabin, showing
 machinery and various clutter.  The camera moves across the room, showing us
 a large, black dog, who is curled up asleep against one of the panels.  We
 finally see Crossfire, sitting in the pilot's seat.  He is staring at a 
 readout on one of his screens.  The camera moves up to focus on the screen,
 and we can read what it says:]



[Crossfire looks up from the screen and out of the windows.  Then he looks over
 at the sleeping dog, then back at the readout again.]

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

"It's a Wonderful Crouton"

Special Guest stars
Patrick Stewart as Admiral Jean-Luc Picard
Brent Spiner as Vice Admiral Data
Kathrine Helmond as Starburst Blake
Kirk Douglas as Jeff Rust
Kathrine Hepburn as Ambassador Kathrine Kennedy
Michael Biehn as Captain Christopher Orr
Ted Danson as Johnson
Dolf Lundgren as Crowe
Colm Meaney as Admiral Miles O'Brien
Rosalind Chao as Keiko Ishigawa O'Brien
Peter Tuddenham as Slave

and

Anthony Hopkins as Nick

* * * * * * * * * *

[Interior, _Courser_.  Crossfire is sitting at the pilot's console.]

Crossfire:  Personal log.  This news of Crouton's death has shaken me more
     than I thought it would have.  First Picard, and now this.  Mom always
     said that I had a hard time with stuff like this, and I guess she was
     right.
[Crossfire turns, bends down and scratches the sleeping dog behind the ears.]
Crossfire:  I wasn't there, of course.  I wonder exactly what happened.  I
     wonder if I could have helped him...even...saved him.  But I wasn't there.
     I always seem to miss out on the important things, somehow.  First Chris,
     then Picard...and now Crouton.
[Crossfire leans back in his chair and closes his eyes, his voice tired.]
Crossfire:  Sometimes I think I'd give anything to know what things would be
     like without me.
[Crossfire closes his eyes.  Suddenly the dog wakes up and starts to growl.
 Crossfire opens his eyes.]
Crossfire [looking around]:  What's up, AJ?
[The dog continues to growl, louder and louder.  He gets up and moves stiffly
 around the cabin, his hair bristling.]
Crossfire [worriedly]:  What is it, boy?
[AJ moves over to Crossfire and barks once.  Crossfire looks down at him and
 pets him.
After a beat, a voice speaks up from in front of them.]
Nick:  Ahem.
[Crossfire looks up and AJ snarls loudly.]
Crossfire:  er... Who are you?  Whoa, AJ.
Nick: My name's Nicholas.  You can call me Nick though.  Most everyone does.
[The man proffers his hand.  AJ snaps at it, snarling and barking
 menacingly.  Nick pulls his hand back and stares at the dog.  After a
 moment, AJ stops growling and looks almost confused.  Nick profers
 his hand again; Crossfire just looks at it for a moment.]
Crossfire:  Don't think me rude, but how did you get in here?
Nick:  You called me.
Crossfire [nonplussed]:  I did?
Nick [nodding]:  Mmm-hmmm.
[Crossfire just stares, and after a moment Nick elaborates.]
Nick [impatiently]:  You said you'd give anything to know what things would
     be like without you.  I heard you and came.
Crossfire [suddenly understanding]:  Ah.  Oh!  [He smiles, not quite taking
     things seriously.]  Nick.  I get it.  You're the devil, aren't you?
Nick:  Mmm-hmmm.
Crossfire [still smiling]:  So what's today's special?
Nick [also smiling]:  Today's special is you get four requests instead of
     three.
Crossfire [his smile fading a little]:  Requests?
Nick:  You get four requests for services that I must perform for you.
Crossfire:  Like what?
Nick:  Like you can ask me a question that I must answer truthfully, or you
     can ask me to do something for you.
Crossfire [his smile completely gone]:  Like see what things would be like
     if I'd never been born.
Nick [smiling broadly]:  Exactly!  You've already made one of your requests,
     but under...today's special...you still have three more.
[Crossfire looks at him suspiciously.]
Nick [all business]:  Now.  Under the conditions of the Soul Treaty, I am 
     required to give you all the details of the agreement you've just entered
     into...
Crossfire:  I don't recall agreeing...
Nick [holding up his hand]:  I know, I know.  But you did.  People say, "I'd
     give anything to ... " all the time, but usually I only go after the
     interesting ones.
Crossfire [bemused]:  Interesting ones.
Nick:  Quite so.  Now.  In order to prevent any confusion, you must preface a
     request by saying something like, "As one of my requests, I ask that..."
     I will, of course, answer other questions or perform other services, but
     I'm not bound to tell the truth or perform the service to the letter of
     your request, unless you make it one of your official requests.
     And you have a single out:  if you can ask me a question I can't answer,
     or if you ask me to perform a service I am incapable of, then you get to
     go free.
     Baring that single out, however, after your four services are completed,
     I get your soul.
Crossfire:  Are you serious?
Nick [smiling]:  Deadly.
[Crossfire considers this for a moment, then shrugs.]
Crossfire:  Ok.  [Takes a deep breath.] What would things be like without me?
Nick:  Let's go see.
[He snaps his fingers in a suspiciously Q-like manner, and both of them vanish
 from the flight deck.]

* * * * * * * * * *

[Exterior, Earth city.  Crossfire and Nick materialize quietly on a sidewalk.]
Crossfire [looking around]:  Ok, so where are we?
Nick:  You don't recognize it?
[Crossfire frowns at Nick.]
Nick [exhasperated]:  Earth.  [He gestures.]  London!  Islington, to be
     precise.
Crossfire:  So what are we doing here?
Nick [pointing up at the sky]:  Look.
[Crossfire looks up and sees a shuttle approaching.  It swoops in and lands
 softly, clearly piloted by an expert.  The doors open, and out steps...]
Crossfire:  Mom!
[Starburst is dressed in a denim dress and tie-dyed blouse.  She looks young
 and happy, if a bit dizzy.  She is followed by a tall, strong looking man
 dressed in a Starfleet Marines uniform, who closely resembles Crossfire.]
Crossfire:  ...dad?
Nick:  Without your birth, your parents stayed together.  They've been happily
     married for years now.
[Crossfire's parents walk into a nearby restaurant, hand-in-hand.  Crossfire
 follows, Nick in tow.]
[Interior, restaurant.  Crossfire's parents take their seats at a table, and
 Crossfire follows.]
Jeff [looking around]:  Star, this place is wonderful.
Starburst:  I knew you'd like it.  Happy anniversary.
[Jeff pulls out a small velvet-covered ring case and gives it to Starburst.]
Jeff:  Happy anniversary.
[Starburst smiles, takes the case and opens it, revealing a ring.]
Starburst:  Oh, thank you Jeff!  It's beautiful!  [They hug.]
[Suddenly the band starts playing.  Jeff takes Starburst in
 hand and the head out ot the dance floor and begin to dance.]
Nick [fatuously]:  They make a lovely couple, don't they?
Crossfire [softly]:  Yeah.  [Suddenly he turns on his heel and leaves.]
[Exterior, Islington street.  Crossfire storms out of the restaurant, and Nick
 follows him a moment later.]
Nick [glancing placidly at the sky]:  Seen enough here?
Crossfire: Yes.
[Nick nods, and snaps his fingers again.]

* * * * * * * * * * * *

[Interior, Starfleet Marine Corps barracks.  The bunks are all neatly made and
 the room is spotless.  Nobody is there, until Crossfire and Nick materialize.]
Crossfire: Ok, so what's this place?
Nick:  SFMC Barracks on Starbase LMC1.
Crossfire [frowning]:  There aren't any Marines stationed at LMC1.
Nick:  Shhh.  [he points.]
[There is a swelling of many voices from outside the door.  Suddenly the door
 opens and in comes the regiment.  The men move about to their lockers, and
 begin changing into dress uniforms.  After a moment, the door opens again and
 in comes a tall man, about Crossfire's age.]
Crowe [near the door; he sees the man enter and shouts]:  Ten-HUT!
[The others come to attention.  There is a moment of silence.]
Crossfire [surprised]:  Chris!
Nick [irritated]:  Shhh!
Orr:  As you were.  Gentlemen, our assignment for tonight is to serve as honor
     guard for the Federation's top brass.  They will be arriving at 18:00
     hours, so we will muster out at 17:30.  I want perfect uniforms and
     flawless decorum, gentlemen; it's not every day that Admiral Picard visits
     the LMC.
Crowe:  Sir?
Orr:  Yes?
Crowe:  How long will the ceremony last?
Orr:  Well, I figure about fifteen minutes.  After that you may mingle with
     the guests at the reception.  Just behave yourselves.  [He turns to face
     one of the men.]  That means you, Johnson.
Johnson:  Aye, sir.
Orr:  Carry on, then.
[He turns to leave, and passes right in front of Crossfire and Nick.]
Crossfire:  Chris!  [He reaches out to grab Orr as he passes, and Nick stops
     him.]
Nick:  He can't see or feel you.
[Crossfire thinks about this for a moment.]
Crossfire:  So it was my fault, then.
Nick:  Well, indirectly, yes.  Since the two of you never served together,
     Chris was able to lead a quieter life.  More to the point, he wasn't
     aboard the _Nostromo_ during the Borg Dilemma, and he never went on that
     fateful Away Team.
[a pause.]
Nick:  He's led a very full life.  He rose quickly to the rank of Captain
     leaving the Academy; he's served in the SFMC Honor Guard ranks and had
     alot of fun.
Crossfire [softly, looking after Chris]:  I'm the one who talked him out of
     being in the Honor Guard.
Nick [looking coldly at Crossfire, who does not see]: I know.
[a pause.]
Nick [brightly]:  Want to get something to eat?
[He takes Crossfire by the arm and leads him out of the room.]

* * * * * * * * * *

[Interior, Starbase LMC1 restaurant.  Nick walks in with Crossfire still in
 tow.  Nick leads the way to an empty booth and sits down.]
Nick:  What do you want?
Crossfire [speaking to the computer]:  Coffee, hot.
[The computer doesn't respond, and Nick smiles briefly.  He touches his hand
 to the screen, and the computer lets out a pained squawk.  A cup of coffee
 and a bowl of pea soup materialize in the food slot, and then a faint wisp
 of smoke rises from the back of the computer.  The computer screen goes
 black.]
Nick [Handing Crossfire his coffee]:  There you go.  [He begins to eat his
     soup with great relish.
Crossfire:  Pea soup?
Nick [nodding]:  Yes.  I'm attending an exorcism in about an hour, and I'll
     need the ammunition.
Crossfire [gesturing to the dark and smoking computer]:  That's a neat trick.
Nick:  Yes, it is.  [He looks shrewdly at Crossfire.]  You'd be able to do
     it too, you know.
Crossfire:  If I agree to join you.
Nick:  If you agree to join me.
[A moment passes, and Nick finishes his soup.  They rise to leave.]
Crossfire:  Tell me, why did you leave?
Nick: Leave where?
Crossfire:  Heaven.  God...and all that.  Assuming it happened the way Milton
     said.
Nick:  Oh yes, it happened that way all right.
Crossfire:  Then why'd you leave?
Nick [thinking]:  Hmmm...I think it would be easier to demonstrate.
[He grabs Crossfire again, ignoring the dirty look, and drags him over to
 an empty table.  Nick hops up on top of the table, and gazes benevolently
 down on Crossfire.]
Nick:  Ok.  I'm God, and you're an angel.  Now, your job is to praise me.
     Ready?  Go.
[Crossfire thinks for a moment.]
Crossfire:  Oh Lord, thou art so wonderful, so truly fabulous.  And smart, too.
     Fire...what a concept!  And water, too.  Now THERE was a good idea.
Nick [smiling and nodding]:  Yes, thank you.  I am, aren't I?  Thank you, I
     thought it was a good idea too.
[Crossfire begins to caper about the table singing praises.  After a minute,
 he stops.]
Crossfire:  This is really boring.
[Nick hops down in front of him, smiling.]
Nick:  That's what I said.
[Nick leaves, and after a beat, Crossfire follows, bemused.]

* * * * * * * * * * * *

[Interior, Starbase LMC1 Reception Area.  Out of the large windows we can
 see the _Croutonprize_ approaching the starbase on slow impulse.
Crossfire and Nick are standing at the window, looking out.
A commotion down the long hallway behind them makes them turn, and we see
 the Honor Guard tromping into the reception area.  They move over to one
 side of the room and wait.
After a moment, starbase personnel begin to file into the room, all in
 dress uniform or formal outfits.  Admirals Avenger and T'Lilith arrive, with
 Admiral O'Brien and Keiko in tow.  Avenger is wearing a bright green
 button that reads, "The Love of my life went to Riza and all I got was this
 lousy button."  The Marines come to attention, and Captain
 Orr marches over to the Admirals and salutes.]
Avenger:  Everything ready, Captain?
Orr:  Yes, sir.
Avenger:  Then take your positions.
Orr:  Yes, sir.
[Orr returns to his men and issues orders.  They quickly arrange themselves
 around the reception platform and stand at attention.]
Avenger [tapping com pin]:  Avenger to _Croutonprize_.
Crouton [ss]:  Crouton here, go ahead Admiral.
Avenger:  We're ready when you are.
Crouton [ss]:  Stand by.
[After a moment, the whine of a transporter starts, and six people materialize
 on the platform:  Picard, Data, Crouton, Highlander, Ghiasi (and Jez), and
 Dr. Icefalcon.  The Guard salutes, and Avenger steps forward.]
Avenger [completely ignoring the formality of the situation]:  Hi Jean-Luc!
[Picard tries to avoid smiling, but doesn't quite succeed.]
Picard [shaking hands with Avenger]:  Good to see you again.  Miles!
[At this point, everyone meets and greets each other.]
Crossfire [to Nick]:  Picard looks good.
Nick:  Yes.  In this alternate timeline he actually stays aboard the 
     _Croutonprize_ for a few months to do some exploratory missions in the
     SMC.
Crossfire [softly]:  Exploration is what he lived for.
Nick:  Mmm-hmmm.  And it did his heart good.
[Crossfire gives Nick a dirty look and moves forward, only to have the
 disconcerting encounter of having someone walk straight through him.  After
 a second, Crossfire shrugs and simply walks through the crowd and approaches
 the admirals.
We move in to see Data, Jez and Ghiasi together, T'Lilith talking to Icefalcon,
 and Avenger, O'Brien, Keiko, Crouton and Picard standing together.]
Data [holding Jez]: Meow rowlp? [How are you?]
Jez:  Puurrrrup.  Meow mrowp.  [Fine.  Behind the ears, please.]
Picard [to Avenger and O'Brien]:  We found the most fascinating planet in
     the SMC.  It's an anarchistic society, and the people are the friendliest
     I've ever met.
Crouton:  And their technology is phenomenal.  It's based on a completely
     different concept than ours.  Ol' Zortyl is still reeling from trying
     to figure it out...
O'Brien:  Do they want to join the Federation?
Picard:  Well, I'm not sure.  The Federation sort of goes against their 
     basic anarchistic ideals.  But I think we could at least become allies.
Avenger:  Coo-ool.  [He taps T'Lilith on her arm.]  Did you want something
     to eat?  I was going to go graze at the food table...
[Crossfire leaves suddenly, returning to Nick who is staring at a bowl of
 punch.  Suddenly the punch begins to steam, then boil.]
Crossfire [after a moment]:  I've seen enough.  Let's get out of here.
Nick [turning]:  But don't you want to stay and see how everybody's doing?
     They're all so happy to be here...
Crossfire:  I *know*.  I *get* the idea.
Nick [sighing]:  Oh, all right.  Just one more minute.
[Crossfire turns back and looks toward the windows and out at the
 _Croutonprize_.]
Crossfire [sotto vocce]:  They've even removed the PPR launcher from the
     fore and aft bays...  [He frowns, and begins to move closer to the
     windows, staring.]  The shield grids are smaller, too...

[Suddenly the starbase vanishes from around Crossfire, to be replaced with
 the interior of the _Courser_.  Crossfire is staring out the starboard 
 viewport; Nick is sitting in the command chair, swiveling around in circles.]
Nick:  Ok, so what's your next request?
[Crossfire turns swiftly.]
Crossfire:  Where are the Borg?  And the Lucky Charms?
Nick:  The Borg?  [He frowns.]  Same place as always, I suppose.
Crossfire:  No, I mean in that alternate timeline.
Nick [gesturing vaguely]:  They're around and about.
Crossfire:  Was what you just showed me what would happen if I never was, or
     only what *could* happen, provided there were no Lucky Charms or Borg?
Nick:  I'm not sure I know what you mean...
Crossfire [almost shouting]:  You know DAMN well what I mean.
Nick [concillatory]:  What difference does it make.  The nature of the 
     space-time continuum is almost completely mutable...
Crossfire:  As one of my requests, I order you to answer my question 
     truthfully.
Nick [sighing]:  It's only what could happen.
Crossfire:  Provided there are no Lucky Charms or Borg.
Nick [gazing coldly at Crossfire]:  Yes.
Crossfire:  So I did do some good.
Nick:  Good is relative term.
[Crossfire paces the room, then moves face-to-face with Nick.]
Crossfire:  I want out.
Nick [after a beat]:  No.
Crossfire:  As one of my requests, I order you to release me from this
     contract.
Nick [smiling coldly and speaking softly]:  It doesn't work like that, Zeph.
Crossfire:  Let me GO, damn you!
Nick [still smiling]:  You only have two requests left.  Think carefully.
[Crossfire draws back to swing at Nick and only ends up hitting the back of
 the now empty chair.]
Nick [from behind Crossfire]:  You'll have to do better than that.
[Crossfire sits down in the chair and puts his head in his hands.]
Nick:  Grief really clouds the mind, doesn't it?  You could forfeit now, if
     you wanted...
Crossfire:  Oh, go away.
Nick:  Is that a request?
Crossfire [looking up, suddenly hopeful]:  No.
Nick: Then what's your next request?  Quickly as possible, please, time is
     money.
Crossfire [speaking slowly as he is thinking this through as he speaks]:
     Answer me this:  Is there any place...or any time...in the whole universe
     or dimension or whatever...that you have access to...that I could order
     you to go...where you wouldn't be able to find your way back here?
[a beat.]
Nick [smiling]:  No.  I can move anywhere through any dimension A through Kunz.
     I can move from the twisted depths of the Lucky Charms homeworld to the
     very heights of the Kunz's ivory tower in a split second.  I can fly from
     the center of a black hole to the beginning of the universe without
     stopping for breath.  I am everywhere and nowhere.  I am nobody and I am
     Legion.
Crossfire [absently]:  Spare me the religion lession.  I've had far too much
     of that lately.
Nick [smiling viciously]:  What's the matter?  Someone been shining just a bit
     of light on you?
[Crossfire ignores this last remark and stands, staring Nick right in the eye.]
Crossfire [steadily]:  As my last request, I order you to go someplace that you
     can't find your way back here from.
Nick:  What?
Crossfire [smiling a little]:  You heard me:  get lost.
[Nick frowns ominously.]
Nick:  I can't do that.
Crossfire:  I know.
[a beat.]
Nick:  I look forward to our next meeting.
Crossfire:  So do I...
Nick:  No, you won't.
[Nick points at Crossfire, who sits down unsteadily, a blank look on his face.]
Nick:  Not at all.
[Nick vanishes, and after a moment the blank look clears from Crossfire's
 face, only to be replaced by a confused look.  He glances around the room.]
Crossfire [mumbling]:  What was I saying?
[The black dog pads up to him and puts his head in Crossfire's lap and gazes
  placidly up at him.  Crossfire scratches him behind the ears.]
Crossfire:  Hey, boy.  How would you like to see a real starship, huh?
[The dog thumps his tail against the floor, presumably agreeing that's
 a good idea.]
Crossfire:  Slave, locate the USS _Croutonprize_, registry NCC 1741-C.
Slave:  Yes, master.
[a beat.]
Slave:  The _Croutonprize_ is en route to Space Station McKinley, planet
     Earth, Sol system.
Crossfire:  Of course.  Slave, plot a course for Space Station McKinley.
     Speed:  warp 2.
Slave:  Course plotted and laid in, master.
[a beat]
Crossfire [ruefully]:  Engage.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Mon, 1 Nov 93 16:53:55 -0500
From: kbryant@husc.harvard.edu
Subject: ST:TCG4 "The Ship Who Sank" (repost)


By request, I am reposting this episode, which, though written and posted
before TPG, takes place afterwards.  Enjoy...

------------------------------------------------------------
[Two indistinguishable humanoid civilians in lab coats.]

Pat1:	I still don't like it.  This project is too valuable to be put
under the control of the military!

Pat2:	Star Fleet is not "the military", and it won't be under their
control.  They're donating services and skills that the project needs.  And
they have the Federation's best interests at stake.  You should quit
being so paranoid.

Pat1:	Paranoid!  I wish you'd quit being so smug!  There's a real chance
that we could lose control of the greatest transportation breakthrough since
warp drive.  And I don't want to see it as a Classified Star Fleet weapon.
Military or otherwise!

Kabeta(ic):  Heisenberg here.  Is everything ready down there, doctors?

Pat2:	Yes.

Pat1:	No!

K:	[sighs]  Well, let me know when you figure it out.  Heisenberg out.


		The Ship Who Sank

	Written by: Joshua Brandon and Katherine Bryant
	Produced by:  HASCS (but don't tell them!)
	Misdirected by: UGI, Unltd.

	Guest starring:
		Nerys Patterson		as Pat1
		Pat C. Hoy		as Pat2
		Michael Dorn		as Alexi Alexandrevich Roshenkin
		Michelle Forbes		as Captain Ro Laren
		LeeAnn "Cricket" Tzeng	as Ensign Captain
	and probably several other people I've forgotten.

K: 	[Over outside shot of ship.  If you look *very* closely you can see
three little ridges along the side, like a Testarrosa or a NeXT.]
Captain's log, Stardate whatever-it-is.  (Pandora, fill that in.)  We are
currently in orbit around the dead planet Betelgeuse Seven, now occupied by
one of the most exciting and frustrating research teams ever assembled: the
Soliton No-doz Assembled Research Core.  SNARC is following up on the 24th
century Soliton Wave experiments, which eventually suceeded in propelling
ships into warp from a stationary site, without onboard warp drive.
However, by this time the Ultra-Warp had made the project obsolete, and the
researchers gave up in disgust.  End Paragraph.  [breath]
	This time, they think they are near generating No-Doz speeds with
similar mechanisms --- speeds which are not currently available through
ship drives.  However, politics are, as usual, gumming up the works.

Furd:	[coming on to the bridge]  What's going on dirtside, Captain?

K:	Arguing again.  I think that scientist still objects to the
presence of Star Fleet in this project.

F:	Why?  Star Fleet isn't a military organization.  [realizes what he
just said, and looks wildly around for Aoki.  Luckily, Aoki is in the
computer lab playing hide-and-seek with Pandora.]

K: 	[throws up her hands]  How should I know?  Well, in the mean time,
we can at least brief everyone.  Half an hour, in the briefing room?

F:	I'll spread the word, Captain.  [starts to exit]

K:	Uh, Furd?  What are you doing?

F:	I'm practicing my silly walk, Captain.

K:	That's what I thought.  [he leaves]  This is going to be one of
those days, isn't it....

-------------------------------------------------------------

Thirty minutes later (give or take), in the briefing room.  The usual
people are present.  As are the usual unusual people, one of whom is
speaking.

McDonagh: And so, we think we can push the projectile over the No-Doz
barrier if we subtervect the framistan here and *here*, reverse the
polarity of the neutron flow, and span the spinor here --- or were we
spinning the spanner?  I'm confused....

y-p: 	What are you confused about now, mate?

McDonagh:  I haven't the foggiest idea.  [He sits down.]

Kabeta: Uh, Mr. yaz, perhaps you could take over....

y-p:	Certainly, Cap'n.  What the Leftenant Commander was trying to say,
was that the project involves projecting a soliton wave beam from the SNARC
planet below in the general direction of the receiving station on Damogran.
When Damogran gives the signal, our test projectile, which is an unloaded
Crouton Torpedo, will be put in the path of the beam.  If all goes as
planned, the torpedo will shoot off towards Damogran at No-Doz speed, where
another beam will catch it and decelerate it back to sub-light.  The
Heisenberg will be following along the beam to observe for as long as we
can keep up.

Jiapa:  Wait a minute.  Why are they using a torpedo?  Isn't this supposed
to be a ship propulsion method?

y-p:	Yeah, that's the eventual idea.  Apparently the prototype model
can only move something as large as a torp, though.  I've been trying to
get one of the SNARC researchers to explain why, but you know how they
are....

Kabeta:	I think we're *all* acquainted with that.  Supposedly the test is
all set up, but I'm still waiting for some word from planetside on when we
can start.  I'll let you all know as soon as I hear anything.  Any
questions?  No?  you're all dismissed until further notice, then.

------------------------------------------------------------------ 
The Bridge, somewhat later.  A number of people are clustered around the
Communications Station.

Kendragon [entering the bridge]:  Hey, what's going on?

Speaker: It's the latest marriage proposal for the captain.

O'F:	Obviously.

Jiapa:	Well, read it already!

[As O'F reads, we notice more and more people entering the Bridge and
clustering around.]

O'F: 	To Her Majesty Princess Kabeta of Xavion, Greetings from Henry XV,
by grace of God King of Britain and Ireland, King of the Scots and
the Canadians ...

McD [sotto voce]:  Hey, Furd, you hear that?  [Looks around.]  Furd?

O'F:	... Emperor of Australia and of the Lands Beyond the Sky ...

McD [forgetting about Furd]:  Hey, that's my planet!

O'F:	... King of France ...

Aoki:	King of France?!?

SpD:	Well, the English claim to the throne of France goes back to the
Middle Ages, but was dropped at the beginning of the nineteenth century
(Oldish Style) when the throne of France ceased to exist.  It was
re-created for the brief Merovingian restoration after World War IV, but
the reign of Pippin the Fourth (he's dead, so I can speak for him) was
generally agreed to be a disaster, and it was dropped again.  One of the
Merovingian princesses, however, married into the British House of
Windsmeet (formerly Windsor) leading to a revived interest in the claim.

[The Bridge is, by this time, really packed with people.  We see Furd
sidling in inconspicuously through the door marked "First Officer's Secret
Bridge Entrance".  He is doing the Highland Fling, and wearing a trench
coat.] 

SpD [continuing]: 	Now the old ruling house of France was the
Bourbons.  (They're dead, so I can speak for them.)  The Bourbon claim passed
to the Spanish branch, leading to the Hundred Hours' Tournament between the
forces of Henry XIV and Juan Carlos V, with the loser recieving Paris in
the traditional fashion.  Mind you, this was entirely ceremonial, since it
happened about a hundred years ago, well after the establishment of
planetary government.  See how simple it is?

Metag:	That reminds me of a very similar incident from Karabuvian
history.... 

Furd [ignoring him]:  But what about ... [pulls a stereotypical Napoleon
hat and a heavy French accent out of his trench coat] Ze Emperror of Ze
Frensh?!? 

SpD:	Well, he's dead...

Kabeta [entering from lift]:	What on Earth is going on here?  [Metag
turns to explain.]  Wait, never mind.  I don't want to know.  Just get back
to your stations.  Now.  [looks around]  Furd?

Furd: 	Oui, ma capitaine?  [Throws a snappy French Foreign Legion salute,
and then sticks his hand back inside his coat.]

K [stares at him for a long time]:  ... uh .... I forget.  Just find out
what's going on groundside, will you?

Furd:	Oui, ma capitaine.  [He marches off towards the lift.]

O'F:	Message from the planet, Captain.

K:	What is it this time?

O'F:	The dissenting scientist suddenly dropped her objections a few
minutes ago.  They're ready to go as soon as we send the torpedo down.

K:	Great!  Tell the cargo bay crew to load it into the Cargo
Croutonizer.  Where'd Furd go?  [She realizes he just left.]  Oh, heck.

O'F:	Cargo bay crew is on lunch break, Captain.  You'll have to wait two
hours. 

K:	Two hours!  Why so long?

O'F:	Union rules.

K:	Obviously....

-------------------------------------------------------------------

An hour later, on the Bridge.

O'F:	The beam is energized, Captain.

K:	Start acceleration --- we'll need a head start on the thing.

y-p:	Lookin' good, Cap'n.  Projectile entering.... now!

[The view screen shows a torpedo shooting straight towards the viewer at
high speed.]

Hutchings:  	Urp!

[The view screen shifts to another view, which clearly shows the torpedo
passing the Heisenberg.]

Hutchings:	Whew.

Furd:	Thar she blows....

K:  Ensign... uh...

[The ensign at the helm, a young woman with purple hair, answers.]

EC: Captain, sir.

K: What?

Speaker:  Her name is Ensign Captain, Captain.

[Ensign O'Forever starts whistling "Meet me in Saint Louie, Louie", not to
	be confused with "Louie, Louie", which is something completely
	different, of course.]

K [under her breath]:  Why does Star Fleet always do this to me?

O'F:  Isn't it obvious?

Speaker [quickly]:  You were saying, captain?

K:  Uh, yes.  Take us along side the soliton wave, Ensign.... [she decides
	not to finish the name]

	[The Heisenberg is suddenly thrown *forward* by a shock from
*behind*. Therefore, everyone is pushed back into their seat and nobody
falls over. On the viewscreen we can see a ball of fireand energy recede
from the ship and collapse into a point around the test projectile,
comsuming the projectile as it disappears.  Meanwhile, the Heisenberg
bridge goes to emergency lighting and sirens blare.]

K:  Red Alert!  What was that?!?

Metag (over ic.):  Excuse me Captain, but the implosion that just occurred
	bore the unmistakable signs of having been generated by the
	overloading of an artificial gravity generator.

Yaz:  It did no such thing, mate!

Metag: (That's Metag, not mate.)  Well, it did if somebody reversed the
	polarity of the neutron flow.  Did I forget to mention that?

Yaz [bending over his computer terminal]:  Hm....

Metag:  Of course, Captain, you should be aware that this is going to cause
	a strong localized chronoton field to appear where the test box
	was, riding the soliton wave, with the usual attendent
	phase-shifting effects (as discovered by Ro and LaForge) which the
	localization should make easy to avoid.

O'F: [shrugs]  Of course....

K [slightly bewildered]: Chronotons...?

Metag:  Well, gravity is really just motion in curved space, you know ---
	that's Reyendheare's theory of Relative Generalities (discovered on
	Earth by, uh, Onestone, or Newting, or someone).  And motion
	through space affects the speed of time --- that's the theory of
	*Special* Relative generalities.  Now, just as accelerating
	quantum particles give off photons of Blank radiation in the EM
	spectrum, so accelerating chronons give off chronoton radiation,
	causing a chronoton field.  This of course, was discovered by the
	Karabuvian physicist...

Yaz [looking up]:  He's right, Cap'n --- 'cept that the field might not be so
	easy to avoid.  That blast not only knocked out all our drives, it 
	also gave us a kick right into the path of the soliton wave.  Hang
	on, I'm diverting power to the Artificial Gravity Grid --- best I
	c'n do now is make it a comfy ride....   Ensign Metag?

Metag [still rambling over the ic]:  ... in his seminal work on
	eclecto-pathetic field theory ...

Yaz:  Never mind, I'll do it me-self....
	
	[On the viewscreen, we can see the Heisenberg enter the path of the
soliton wave.  The view bounces around wildly as the wave jolts the ship,
but the Artificial Gravity completely compensates for inertial effects on
the bridge.  NOBODY EVEN SWAYS.]

Kabeta:	That was it?

yaz:	For the moment, yeah.  The shock wave you just failed to feel
kicked us out of the danger zone.  There's likely to be some secondary
contamination, though.  I'm going to start some diagnostic scans.

Jiapa:	Would somebody please tell me what a chronoton field is!

Enisign "Teaman"(ic):	Pardon, but I couldn't overhelp hearing a call for
Mostly Useless Trivia.  The effects of chronoton fields were discovered
inadvertantly by Ro Laren and Geordi LaForge last century.  In effect,
matter which is permeated by such a field is phase-shifted out of normal
space, becoming ghost-like and unable to interact with normal matter.  The
effect is reversible by application of sufficient ionizing energy.

J:	Thanks!  No one ever tells me anything around here.

Speaker:  Message from the planet, Captain.

Pat2:	Did your crew identify that explosion, Captain?

Kabeta:  A reverse-overloaded artificial gravity generator, they said.

Pat2:	Very good.  Now can you explain which early twentieth century
British authors led one of your crew to put one aboard that torpedo?

K:	What?  [decides to skip the first part]  What makes you think it
was a member of *my* crew?

Pat2:	No one had the opportunity to touch the thing after it was
Croutonized down to the planet.  It must have been tampered with while on
the ship.  [Another identical civilian hands him a note, which he reads
quickly.]  Hmmm ...  perhaps you do not bear sole responsibility.  It seems
one of my colleagues is missing, as well.  One who mysteriously dropped her
strenuous objection to the test after a visit from one of your officers.

K:	Which officer?

Pat2 (shrugs):  You all look alike to us....

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

In Kabeta's office.  Kabeta and Jiapa.

K:	 Who could have done such a thing?  And why?

[Jiapa's eyes stray to a shelf of late-twentieth century mystery novel
reproductions.]

J:	How did the old formula go:  motive, method, opportunity?  

Kabeta:	Opportunity was easy, thanks to the union lunch
break.  Motive?  Who knows.  Method.  Hmmm....  (triggers ic)  Yaz?

yaz(ic):  Yes, Cap'n?

K:	Who had the technical know how to rig that generator?

yaz:	Now *there's* a good question.  Let's see....  Me, of course, and
McDonough.  Metag.  Aoki, maybe.  Probably some of the other Academy
graduates, maybe a few of the non-commisioned specialists.  Have you
checked people's files and academic records?

K:	Good thinking.  I'll go find Guillaume.  I hope.  [Has a thought.]
*You* didn't do it, did you?

yaz:	*You* were always the truthful one, Captain.  But good luck.

K:	[sighs]  Thanks.  [gets up.  To Jiapa:]  Coming with? 

---------------------------------------------------------------------

In the Library.

Guillaume:  Well, Pandora has given us a list of the most likely people to
check, but of course the actual records are stored seperately, uh...,
under S, I believe, for "seperate"....  Don't trust them to the computer,
and of course the academic records have to have the official school seal,
or Star Fleet Admissions won't accept them....  Who's first?

Jiapa:	Nurd, Furd the, Commander.

Guillaume:  With a U?

J:	Several.  Okay, two.

G:	Sure enough, here it is under U-squared.  Oh, very impressive.
Massachusetts University.  Wasn't that your alma mater, Jiapa?

J:	Yeah, Harvard and Radcliffe College.  Which college was Furd?

G:	MIT.  Summa cum laude in, uh, maths and physics.
Lots of advanced maths, some gravitic field theory, history of the Ottoman
Empire ... and the annual Lego Robot competition, of course.

K:	Gravitics and electronics?  That's very interesting.

G:	Personally I find the Ottoman Empire intriguing --- that would be
filed under T, I think ...?

----------------------------------------------------------------------

After an exhaustive search of the ship, the two return to Kabeta's office,
joined by the Zenador, who is just tagging along.

K (exhausted):  So.  There's an artificial gravity generator requisitioned
in Furd's name, he knew how to make the appropriate modifications, he had
access to the torpedo, and he's disappeared.  Furthermore, all of our other
suspects have alibis.  But WHY DID HE DO IT?

SpD (ic):  Captain?  We're picking up a transmission from the planet that
you may be interested in.

K:	Oh, just pipe it in here.

Pat1 (ic):  ... the SNARC project is a fraud!  A number of my colleagues
and I have discovered what the project leadership has been keeping secret:
using the Soliton No-Doz system to accelerate anything more massive than a
torpedo is absolutely non-feasible with current energy sources.  Star Fleet
leadership has been keeping the project alive entirely as a weapons
research program, and we will stop it!
	To the crew of the Heisenberg:  one of your officers has assured me
that this is an illegal secret project which you were not informed of.  If
this is true, I charge you to find the culprits and bring them to justice!
	This message is being sent by an automated beacon.  If it is
destroyed, there are plenty more, as well as encrypted computer
transissions to the major news distributors.  Message repeats....

J:	Oh.

Z:	Oooooo...

yaz(ic):  Sorry to interrupt you, Cap'n, but we've got more problems.
That secondary contamination I mentioned earlier ...

K:	Secondary contamination?

yaz:	From the chronoton field.

Z (gleefully):	Remember the chronoton field?  There's a song about the
chronoton field!

K:  *I* even remember the Rhine.  Now can we get back to the topic?  What
about the contamination, yaz?

yaz:	It's spreading.

K (sinking feeling):  Spreading?

yaz:	'Fraid so.  The bottom couple of decks have already faded out into
phase-space, and we don't have the power to reverse the process.  When it
reaches the warp core and the antimatter pods we're going to have real
problems.

K:	How much time?

yaz:	Not much.  An hour at most.

K:	I'm coming to the bridge.  Start ordering personel to the higher
decks, I guess.

yaz:	Aye, Cap'n.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bridge.  Soon.  Kabeta is walking on.

K:	Situation report!

yaz:	The rate of spread is increasing.  We may not have much time before
it hits the engines.

K:	What will happen then?

yaz:	Hard to tell.  If the containment field holds through the twist,
then we may have time to evacuate the ship before it sinks entirely out of
normal space.  If not, the ship will blow --- either before or after the
phase shift --- hard to tell.

K:	But either way, we're going to have to evacuate?

yaz:	Looks that way.

K:	Damn!  Evacuation alert, Pandora.

P:	Evacuate!  Evacuate!  Red Alert!  Man the Lifeboats!  Panic in the
Streets! 

K (to self):	Panic in the streets?

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Exterior shot.  Captain Ro voice-over.

Ro:	Captain's log.  The Heisenberg is a particularly difficult ship to
track down, but I've finally caught up with their distress signal.  What
I've found here, on the other hand, may be hard for anyone to believe.  If
I didn't know better, I'd say the Heisenberg was sinking!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Captain's office.  Kabeta, yaz, Jiapa, Speaker, McDonagh.

K:	The U.S.S. Inconceivable is standing by, and Captain Ro is ready to
assist our evacuation.  Everything is going relatively smoothly.

Jiapa:	The Inconceivable!  That means we're safe!

SpD (looks at her):  I do not think that ship means what you think it
means.  We still have to keep the Heisenberg from blowing up.

yaz:	Yeah, well.  We've been working on that one.

McD:	If someone went down to the engine room, there's a good chance they
could eject the antimatter before the containment field broke down.  If
done at the proper time, we could even send it into phase-space where it
shouldn't cause any trouble at all.  The bad news ... is that the engine
room is not only already inside the chronoton field, but is being flooded
with high-frequency gamma rays by fluctuations in the warp core.  We could
send someone in, but it might be difficult to get them *out* --- before
the radiation kills them.
	As I'm the most qualified to handle the warp field, I've
volunteered to stay behind.

[Chaos breaks out, as everyone tries to volunteer.]

K:	This is ludicrous!

McD:	Well, that's why I thought it was *my* job.

K:	Look, I know all of you, and probably half the rest of the crew,
would be ready to give their life for this ship.  But the Captain still
goes down with her ship.  No discussion.  Speaker, you're in charge of the
evacuation.  McDonagh, I want instructions on the ejection process.

yaz (softly):  See you on the flip side, Cap'n....

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

The bridge of the Inconcievable.

Ro:	She's doing what!?!

Roshenkin:  Staying behind, sir.  Apparently someone needs to eject the warp
core.

Ro:	Of all the pigheaded....  Never mind.  How is the evacuation
coming?

Roshenkin:  Satisfactorily, sir.  Lt. Cdr. Kleber is in charge.

Ro: 	The Speaker for the Dead?  He'll do.  Have him see me when he gets
aboard.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Kabeta is standing next to the edge of the contamination field, i.e. empty
space as far as we can tell.  The ship just cuts off in a ragged line.  She
looks *very* queasy, and does not see Furd come out of the one-man lifeboat
built into the hull next to her.

Furd:	I'm sorry I have to do this, Captain.  [He pulls out a concealed
bagpipe and hits Kabeta in the back of the head, knocking her out. Then he
looks at the pipe.]  I'm just glad I didn't have to play this.

[He carries Kabeta into the lifeboat, steps back out, and ejects it.  As
the acceleration takes hold, we hear Kabeta murmur something that sounds
like "I like to look at the fish, Dave..."]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Bridge of the Inconceivable.

Roshenkin:	Message from the Heisenberg computer, sir.

Ro:	What does it say?

Roshenkin:	"Core dumped."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Inconceivable Sick Bay.  Several crewmembers are leaning over the
unconscious Kabeta.

Thokk (dramatically):	Oh, Captain; My Captain ....

SpD:	Calm down, Thokk.  Dr. Hertzman says she's only *mostly*
unconscious!

K:	Oh, cut that out.  You're giving me a headache.  (Looks around.)
What happened?

yaz:	We were hoping you could tell us.  Dr. Hertzman says that from the
looks of the bruise, you were hit over the head with a bagpipe.

K:	Furd!  But why?  I don't understand.

Ro (ic):  Captain Kabeta?  There's an incoming transmission from the
Heisenberg you may want to hear.

Furd's voice (deadly serious, for the first time this episode):	First
Officer's Log.  This is Cmdr.  Furd the Nurd, U.S.S.  Heisenberg.  At
least, I assume they haven't got around to court-martialling me yet.  More
than likely, I will be dead by the time they do.
	My profound apologies to Captain Kabeta.  Of course, I would not
have hurt you if there had been any other way.  But I think there was not.
What happened to the Heisenberg was my fault, and it is my responsibility
to stay behind and clean it up.  Whatever the consequences.
	By this time, I assume Star Fleet's plans for this research project
will be known.  I have been intentionally guilty of insubordination and
destruction of Star Fleet property.  I have been unintentionally guilty of
the first known sinking of a Federation starship.  But I will never be
guilty of war-mongering.
	Final words?  Just seven. Star Fleet is *not* a military
organization.
	End transmission.




-------

EPILOGUE:  A few weeks later.

We see yaz-pistachio, formerly chief science officer of the U.S.S. Heisenberg,
wandering the corridors of an unidentified starbase.  He stops at a terminal
to check for messages, and finds one.

yaz (reading):  Hmm.  Kabeta wants all us ex-Quarkz to meet in the conference
room on deck 13 in twenty minutes.  Guess I can do that.

He tosses his aviator scarf over his shoulder, checks his gravity gear, and
wanders on his way.

Cut to the conference room.  All the Heisenberg officers are there, from the
captain on down.  Kabeta stands and raps on a table for attention.

Kabeta:  Thanks, everyone, for coming.  I've just been briefed on what's to
become of us all since...[voice catching]... since the incident a few weeks
ago.  [clears throat]  From what I hear tell, Lt. Thokk has been put in charge
of the effort to raise the Heisenberg.

Cheers erupt as Thokk looks slightly embarrassed -- a difficult thing for
a large barbarian to manage.

Thokk:  Yes.  We'll find her and bring her back!

Kabeta:  But I realize that not everyone may be willing to wait out the
uncertain period ahead in temporary jobs, not knowing for sure whether the
ship will be found.  So the Admiralty has agreed that anyone from the Heisenberg
may transfer out, to the ship of their choice or the nearest equivalent.

Metag:  Really?  I want the big gray one over there!  [He points out the
window of the conference room towards some ships docked nearby.]

Kabeta (smiling):  I'll see what I can do, Ensign.  Anyone who wants a
transfer, let me know soon.  Anyone who wants to wait and see, talk to me
too; we'll arrange for temporary positions for everyone.  [pause]  That's
it, I guess.  Thanks again for coming, and talk to me soon.

The crowd begins to disperse slowly, as people chat with their fellow
crewmembers, some of whom haven't seen each other in the past few weeks.  
Jiapa walks up to Kabeta, Thokk, and yaz, just in time to hear Kabeta say:

Kabeta:  It's just so *embarrassing*.  I must be the only captain in history
to sink a starship!  [She shakes her head, smiling wryly.]  By rights,
Star Fleet should be ready to have my head for this one.  Instead, they're
threatening to promote me.

The others laugh.

Thokk:  Truly, a fate worse than court-martial.

Jiapa:  So, what are you going to do, Captain?  Are you going to retain your
command, or move somewhere else?

Kabeta's expression dims.

Kabeta:  Well, right now they've assigned me to a desk job here at the
Starbase.  One more reason I don't want to move up the ranks -- too dull!

The knot of people loosens, and Kabeta starts to leave.  yaz catches up to her
as she goes.

yaz:  cap'n, a minute?

Kabeta turns.

Kabeta:  Sure, Commander.  What is it?

yaz:  That offer of transfer.  Um, I, er, I want to take it, I think.

Kabeta looks somewhat surprisedly at her onetime science officer.

Kabeta:  Of course, Commander, if you like.  But why?

yaz:  Well, Planetary Astrographic is mounting a mission to the Rama homeworld,
and they've offered me a post as Field Librarian.

Kabeta:  Field Librarian?  [She laughs.]  Sounds right up your alley.

yaz:  Yeah, that's what I thought.  [He looks down at his feet, then back up.]
It's been a lot of fun over the years, cap'n, but it's time I was moving on.
[pause]  I'll miss you, though.

Kabeta nods.

Kabeta (more touched than she shows):  I understand.  [pause]  I'll miss you 
too.  Don't be a stranger, y'hear?

yaz:  Of course not, cap'n.  After all we went through?  I'm sure I'll see
you around. 

yaz flips a quick salute, then, as he is about to leave, turns back and hugs
Kabeta.  Kabeta returns it, then watches as yaz walks away down the corridor
She turns around to see Thokk standing nearby.

Kabeta (softly):  Find her, Thokk.  You bring her back, and I'll *make* them
let me come back too.

FADE TO BLACK.  END CREDITS.

----------------------------------------------------------------------