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==================================
Star Trek: The Crouton Generation
Season 5, Pack #2
==================================
FroM: miyee@lynx.dac.neu.edu (Euge Yee)
Subject: ST:TCG Ad
Date: Sun, 7 Nov 1993 19:07:13 -0500 (EST)
STAR TREK: THE CROUTON GENERATION
"Manic Momday"
The _Chivalier_ gets an unexpected guest...
Woman: Oh, it's my little boy!
Euge: Hi Mom.
Whose presence disrupts the sanity of the crew...
Chow: Get that woman off my bridge!
Daemon: I'm kind of partial to a giant ravioli with a tail.
And could lead to disaster...
Jagged bolts shot forward at the ship's right nacelle.
On the next STAR TREK: THE CROUTON GENERATION.
------------------------------------------------------------
Captain's log, stardate 105012.3. The _Chivalier_ has been docked
at DS9, a rest stop before our survey expedition of the Tau Chi system
in Gamma Quadrant. But in the meantime, Quark has provided our crew
some entertainment tonight, for a price, of course. Rule of Acquisition
#64: Nothing ever comes free.
*****
She barely glanced at him when he first appeared in Ten Forward,
not much different from the others, just taller and finer. He wore the
standard red and black uniform though Ten Forward's supposed to be
casual and relaxing. But tonight the place was hot with phosphorescent
lights and closeness from the growing patrons. So to answer, he
loosened his collar with a finger and pulled at his shirt the Picard
Maneuver.
As she raised the champagne glass to her lips, she could smell the
authoritative presence in the room. He came towards her, sat next to
her and asked Ranaluin behind the bar for a beer.
"Coming right up, Captain," Ten Forward's hostess replied.
"Without the Stradiverri, Ranaluin," Chow added.
Rearing to go into a solo concerto, Ranaluin froze with violin and
bow in hand and frowned.
Smiling, he looked at the woman beside him. Her eyes rested on the
near-empty glass in her hand. Finally, "May I get you more champagne?"
Chow inquired. He waited for a 'thank you', but she said nothing.
"Well, see you later."
He started to turn away with his beer, but suddenly she said,
"Something against music...?" She looked at Chow and examined him
closely until she spied the four squared pips on his right collar. Upon
that discovery, she finished with "oh captain?"
Chow returned with skepticism. He studied her briefly before he
answered, "Chi An Steven 'Roy' Chow. Depends on who's making it,
Ms...?"
"Kwong." She sipped the last of the champagne and handed the glass
to the captain, who reluctantly took it and didn't know what to make of
it and of this woman. "Kwong Jenna."
Chow still wondered about her glass in his hand.
"That offer of more champagne still stands, doesn't it, captain?"
"Uh, yes, um, Ranaluin, er, more champagne for Ms. Kwong." He gave
the glass to the hostess.
"Jenna will do," she said, her cheeriness brimming. "Steve."
"Uh, Ms. Kwong--"
"Jenna."
"Jenna." He gave in. "So what brings you aboard the _Chivalier_?
Any good impressions?" The _Chivalier_ was the best to come out of
Starfleet's shipyard, no matter if that honor actually belongs to the
_Croutonprize_. Still, Chow was proud of his ship and crew, and he
enjoyed the chance to hear the same from others.
"Impressions?" Jenna laughed. "Oh, I don't do impressions. I
sing. I'm in Quark's show. He and I go way back."
For a moment Chow thought she only mouthed the words and the sounds
followed after. He nodded and feigned a laugh, looking at her more
closely. A round face, dark brown eyes with no pupils, like a
Betazoids. But the ridges on the bridge of her nose clearly showed she
was a Bajoran.
"Oh, I know what you're thinking, Steve," she teased.
Chow continued to look at her, still puzzled by what she was
talking about.
"You're wondering how old I am."
"Well, actually--" Chow began to correct her.
"41 Earth years-old."
"No, that's not what I--"
"Oh yes, it's true, Steve. You thought I look much younger, and I
thank you for it, dear. You do flatter me with your modesty."
"B-but--"
"But you still don't believe me, I know." At that, she moved about
on the seat of the bar stool. Chow, relieved that the conversation has
ended, drank his beer and curiously turned to see what Jenna was doing.
She had crossed her long right leg over, barely revealing her thigh from
beneath her tight, white sequined dress.
"Go ahead, feel my thigh," she dared him and said with conviction.
"180 times on the jump rope and 3 miles every morning, and they still
look like 20 years ago! Go ahead!" Then, she smacked her thigh twice,
prompting the captain again.
Speechless, Chow waved a no. He turned back to his beer, let out a
sigh, and held his head.
*****
"Euge?"
Euge turned around when he heard Aedoni's voice. He had put his
fingers on the viewport in the Romulan science officer's room, lost in
thought. Aedoni had come from an adjacent room.
"You ready?" she asked while fixing her long flowing hair up.
Euge didn't answer her again but instead stared out of the
viewport. For a moment, a look of annoyance passed over Aedoni's face.
She moved closer. Her eyes trained on him and then on the viewport.
Just outside was Bajor.
"Homecoming," she said.
"Yeah," he replied with difficulty. "Yeah, you can say that."
She looked up at him. "Something on your mind? There's a bar of
gold pressed latinum for your thought."
Euge broke into a smile. "That's a *penny* for your thought."
After a brief silence, he shaked his head and said, "Thanks,
Aedoni. But this one, I have to work it out on my own."
She put her hand on his shoulder. "Well, if you ever need to, I'm
all ears."
On that final word, he turned to her and looked at the most
prominent features of a Romulan. "Yeah, I'll say."
"Remember, we're all family on board."
Suddenly, the door chimed twice.
"Come," Aedoni ordered.
Security chief Paul Janson poked his head in. "The show is about
to start any minute now," he said. His tone thinly disguised his
impatience. Janson didn't like partaking in festivities, nevertheless
he believed in extreme promptness.
"Well then, let's go."
*****
The Ten Forward lounge was crowded to no ends. Euge, Aedoni, and
Janson slowly moved through the throngs to join their captain at the
bar.
"Captain," they acknowledged.
"Lt. commander, lieutenants," he said, a mug of beer in his hand.
Euge stood tiptoed and viewed the area around him. "I haven't seen
this many people in Ten Forward since..." He paused and dropped back on
his heels. "Since Paula's concert. I wonder who's performing tonight?"
"Whoever it is, he or she should make it short," Janson grumbled.
"Paul, you were becoming a permanent fixture to that tactical
station," Aedoni said. She reached over and grabbed a handful of
crackerjack from a bowl. "You should make the most of this time away
from duty and relax." She then tossed a carameled popcorn in her mouth.
"I do not feel *relaxed* in crowds," Janson quietly protested.
"Same here," Chow said. "I just met a woman who put me in a most
unrelaxing position. In fact, she's singing tonight. A beautiful
Bajoran woman, but whose unreserve is unbearable and annoying. She
wanted to know every detail of my personal life. She thinks she knows
what I'm thinking all the time. She told me to feel her thigh." He
stopped to drink his beer.
The other three were silent in awe of what they just heard until
Euge finally asked, "Could you run by that last part again?"
Before Chow could rebuke him, the lights in Ten Forward dimmed.
"Ladies and gentlemen, Ms. Kwong Jenna!" a Ferengi voice announced.
Applause loudly filled the room and slowly dwindled as the notes of
a grand piano played. A spotlight lit up the stage, revealing the tall,
slender Bajoran woman in the tight, white sequined dress. The back of
her right hand rested on her hip. She began to sing a breathy tune.
A lot of million laddies
from millionaires to caddies
would be
to capture me
But you had such persistence
you wore down my resistance
I fell
and it was swell
You're my big and brave and handsome romeo
how I won you, I shall never, never know
It's not that you're attractive
but how my heart grow active
when you
came into view
Chow noticed that she looked directly at him as she slowly brought her
arms around herself and launched into the chorus. And it felt to him
that everyone else noticed that too.
I've got a crush on you
sweetie pie
all the day and night time
hear me sigh
I never have the least notion
that I could fall with
so much emotion
Could you coo
could you care
for a comfy cottage
we could share the world not much
cause I have got a crush
my baby
on you.[1]
The room sounded with applause, whistling, and cheers.
"That is the *beautiful* woman you find *unbearable* and
*annoying*?" Janson asked the captain.
"Yup, er, no, um, you know what I mean," Chow answered and took a
large sip of his beer.
At that same time, Aedoni saw the look on Euge's face. "What's the
matter, Euge? You look like you've seen that woman before."
"I-I have," he said. "That's my mom."
Upon that revelation, Chow spitted his beer out. He handed his mug
to Janson so he could wipe his mouth on his sleeve. Janson took the mug
and gulped the last remaining beer in it. And Aedoni could only say,
"Nice dress."
"That's my mom," Euge repeated.
FADE TO CREDITS
*****
STAR TREK: THE CROUTON GENERATION
"Manic Momday"
Starring
Joan Chen as Kwong Jenna
Charlotte Zucker as Ops Officer #56
Written by Euge Yee
Based on an idea suggested by The Admiral
Music by Maurice Jarr
Directed by Jerry Zucker
[1] "I've Got a Crush on You"
from _Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman_
episode airdate: October 24, 1993.
[2] The theme from _The Love Boat_
[3] "Galaxy's Child", _Star Trek: The Next Generation_
*****
Euge rang the chime at the quarters that has been temporarily
assigned as his mother's dressing room. At first, there was no answer,
and Euge rang the chime again.
"Sorry, no pictures and autographs" came the reply.
Euge took a deep breah, and knocked firmly this time.
"Oh, it's you, oh captain, my captain."
Euge bit his lip in frustration. His fists balled and pounded on
the door until finally it opened. Jenna was leaning provocatively by
the doorside. Her hand placed behind her head; the other on her hip.
"Mom," Euge muttered.
Jenna jumped a couple of feet in the air when she saw him instead.
She quickly composed herself and extended her hands to Euge. "Oh, it's
my little boy!"
Euge sighed heavily and took the extended hands. "Hi Mom," he said
as they embraced. When they pulled back, he saw the tears had welled
from her eyes. He was just about to ask her how was she, when she
suddenly grasped his left ear. "Uh, Mom? Since when did you follow the
Faith? OUCH!"
"Hold still," Jenna commanded and he obeyed.
"So what do the Prophets say about me? Anything good?"
"Do you clean behind your ears?" she said. She let go of his ear
and poked a finger at his chest. "How many times do I tell you to clean
behind your ears?!"
"What?!" Euge shrieked. He scratched behind his ear and looked at
his nails.
"I don't suppose you clean the inside of your belly button too?"
Jenna added.
"What?!"
*****
"What?! The woman who was singing tonight was Euge's mother?" Lt.
Commander Daemon said in amazement. "Euge has never said anything about
his mother.
"Who can blame him?" Chow said from below, in his command chair.
"She's unbearable. She's annoying."
"And don't forget 'beautiful.'" Janson added. "Captain."
"Is that so?" Commander Larkin, smiling at Chow. He gave the
captain a light punch in the shoulder. "Congratulations, Chi! You're
going to be a father!"
Chow rolled his eyes.
"Hmmm... that's funny," Counselor Tracy wondered aloud beside the
captain.
"What is, counselor?"
"Euge has never said anything about wanting a second cup of my
coffee."
Soon everyone on the bridge dwelled on that observation in silence.
Then, a beep sounded from the tactical station. Janson ran tapped his
fingers on the console.
"Sir, DS9 has informed us that departure clearance will be in 10
minutes," he said.
"Very well, Janson," Chow said, as he got up from his chair. "I'll
be in my ready room, watching a game. No interuptions, got that, Tim?"
He then looked over at the ensign at the con. "And inform Euge that
he'd better say his farewell soon. I want him back on the bridge when
we're cleared for departure."
"Aye, sir," Larkin said.
*****
"Toe-jam?! Look, Mom. I didn't come here for a personal health
inspection."
Jenna barely seemed to be paying attention as she brought out her
luggage onto the bed and started sorting through her wardrobe.
"Mom," Euge said. His body shaked with barely contained fury.
"Which one do you think? The red satin Chinese choengsam dress or
the chiffoned gown with bands of soft green and red and purple?" she
asked, holding the two mentioned items.
"Argh!"
"She looked at the chiffoned gown. I thought so too. I should
express our Far Eastern Heritage." She tossed the gown away and took
the red satin dress with her to the lavatory.
Euge looked up at the ceiling and said, "This is intolerable." And
he followed her in pursuit. "Mom, would you stop and listen? We need
to talk." He surely would have followed her into the lavatory if his
com badge hadn't beeped.
"Yee here."
"Euge, you're needed back on the bridge. The ship is leaving in 5
minutes," Larkin's voice came on the other end.
"Acknowledged." He sighed. He then called to his mom. "Mom, come
on. The ship's leaving in 5 minutes." He walked over to the bed and
folded the discarded gown before placing it back in his mom's luggage
case. By the time he finished, she came back out in the red satin
dress.
"Come on, Mom. There isn't much time," Euge said, taking the
sequined one she had hanging over her arm. "I'll escort you to the
dock."
"Dear, I'm not leaving yet."
"Is that everything?" he asked, not hearing her. He closed the lid
and looked around the room for stray belongings.
"Eugene," she said, putting her hand down on her luggage case.
"Listen to me. I am not leaving yet. I'm coming with you."
FADE TO COMMERCIAL
*****
The _Chivalier_ slowly maneuvered away from one of the spires
ringing around Deep Space Nine. Then, it continued on impulse power
toward the mouth of the wormhole before it was swallowed up. Inside the
"belly of the whale," lights swirled and flashed around the ship until
the pin-pricked darkness returned. The wormhole had spewed the ship
out.
"We have arrived in the Tau Chi system, captain," said the ops
officer. "Sector 14, coordinates 22-87-4."
"Thank you, ops officer..." Chow turned to Larkin and whispered,
"What's the latest count?"
"#56," Tim replied.
"Er, thank you, Ops Officer #56."
The main turbolift doors whizzed opened.
"Hellooooo Eugene! Hellooooo Eugene's shipmates!"
It was Jenna. She stepped out and started to sing.
Love
exciting and new
come aboard
it comes back to you
The Love Boat
soon it'll be making another run
the Love Boat
soon there'll be something for everyone
Come aboard for adventure
And find yourself a new romance[2]
Larkin laughed boisterously and clapped Chow on the back. The
captain staggered slightly, nearly colliding into Tracy who was juggling
apples. He tried to find some way out of the situation until he glanced
around at Euge who had slumped over on his console.
"Mr. Yee, please escort your mother off my bridge!" Chow shouted.
He disliked having to shout, but he couldn't see any other way out of it.
"Yes, sir," Euge moaned.
"Belay that order, dear." Jenna waddled down the ramp and faced
the captain. As though she was in command, she said disapprovingly to
him, "Look, Stevie Weevie. Can't a mother see where her son works and
whom he works with?"
"Our apologies, Ms. Kwong. I'll personally see that a tour be
arranged for you with the captain," Larkin said, grinning at Chow.
"And you are?"
"Commander Tim Larkin."
"Commander, you ol' flirt, you. You'll make Steve jealous."
"Mom," Euge warned.
"You'll excuse me." Chow darted his way to the ready room.
"Oh, I seem to have noticed the older I get, the younger my suitors
get. Pretty soon, I'll be dating sperm!" Jenna joked.
"Mom!" Euge grabbed his mother on the arm. "Come on, Mom. I'll
give you the tour of the ship tomorrow."
She shook him off. "Now wait a minute, dear. I haven't even been
introduced to all your friends yet."
"Okay, but you gotta promise me you'll leave afterwards. Okay.
You've already met Commander Larkin. And this is Counselor John Tracy."
"Ms. Kwong," the counselor acknowledged, still juggling his apples.
"Young man, hasn't your mother ever taught you not to play with
your food!" Jenna scolded, shaking her finger at the counselor.
John was taken aback by her sudden outburst that he lost control,
and the apples plummeted to the floor. He watched distraughtly as Jenna
picked one of those apples up and took a bite out of it.
"Sorry, counselor," Euge said, but Tracy put up a hand. He had a
feeling he'd be doing a lot of apologizing for his mother's actions the
next few days.
"Over there at tactical is our security chief, Lt. Paul Janson.
Behind him are Lt. Commander Runaway Daemon, our computer officer, and
Lt. Aedoni t'Rllaillieu, our science officer."
A look of recognition came upon Jenna when Euge pointed out his
Romulan friend. She started to make her way toward Aedoni. Before Euge
could follow, his com badge beeped.
"Mr. Yee, join me in my ready room," Chow's voice came. "NOW."
"Aye, sir."
Euge knew, knew immediately why Chow wanted to see him and what was
going to happen. He took a deep breath and made his way around the
corner, all the while looking back at his mother with worry, praying she
would not cause any further disruptions.
*****
"Do you want to tell me about it?"
Euge stood erect before the captain, though his attention turned to
the viewport ahead. "No, not really, sir," he said, after the words of
his captain had reached him.
"Oh! It's a swing and a miss!" Harry exclaimed.
Chow, even more disappointed, got up from behind his desk. "You
disobeyed my orders during the last Borg encounter. You took part in an
experiment that endangered the lives of Counselor Tracy and Lt. Aedoni.
And now this."
Euge finally turned his gaze upon Chow. "She refused to leave.
And as much as we'd both like to, I couldn't very well eject my own
mother out into space. And frankly, I am not exactly thrilled with the
prospect of your being my father, SIR." With that, he looked back at
the viewport.
"That's 0 and 2!" Harry said.
Chow's eyes became wide. As long as he had known his con officer,
he'd never expected insubordination. He glared at him, circling him.
"I'm beginning to see who you get your penchant for trouble from."
Euge swallowed hard and prepared himself for the consequences.
"Mr. Yee," Chow said, stopping before Euge. "You're dismissed."
"I understand."
"No, return to your post."
"Sir?"
"You heard me."
"And he's safe at first!" Harry called.
A small look of relief came on Euge's face.
"But first, get your mother off my bridge," Chow said.
*****
"I've seen pictures of you."
Aedoni suddenly frazzled before Jenna. "I was young! I was
desperate!"
"Oh, don't be embarassed, dear. You and Eugene make such a
cuuuuute couple," Jenna said, pinching Aedoni on the cheek.
Euge had stepped out of the ready room and headed towards his
mother and Aedoni.
"Oh, Eugene, I was just talking to your girlfriend. She looks so
much better in person than in your photo album. I approve, son."
"Girlfriend?" the Romulan said.
"Though I worry about how my grandchildren will turn out."
"Grandchildren?"
"Why yes, dear. To be honest, with your ears and his nose, your
children will look like cows."
"What?"
"Don't have a cow, dear."
"Mom, it's getting late, and we have work to do on the bridge."
Euge quickly directed his mother into the turbolift. "I'll talk to you
tomorrow."
The doors slid shut, only to reopen a second later.
"Okay, dear, but let me cook you and your friends dinner tomorrow
night," Jenna said.
"I'll ask them, Mom."
Jenna nodded as the doors closed. Soon, they reopened again.
"And don't forget to ask the captain."
"GOODNIGHT, MOM."
At that, the doors closed for the third time. Euge let out a huge
breath. He turned back to his station, but before he took a step, he
swirled around to face the turbolift, expecting his mom to return again.
She didn't.
"Girlfriend?" Aedoni asked Euge.
"Only until she leaves... snookums."
Chow poked his head out and looked around the bridge before he
walked over to his command chair.
"Captain, sensors are picking up unusual energy readings from
sector 37," Janson said.
"Well, then, let's check it out."
"At warp 5, we should be there in eight hours," Ops Officer #56
said.
"Euge--"
"Course already plotted and lain in, captain," Euge said, back at
the con.
"Then en--"
"Already engaged, sir."
"We're engaged?" Aedoni asked.
And the _Chivalier_ jumped into warp.
FADE TO COMMERCIAL
*****
Euge lay curled in his bed, his chest heaving with every breath.
The door chimed. He moaned. The door chimed again. He turned over
onto his back, hoping whoever was calling would just go away nd let him
sleep in on this Sunday morning. There was silence. And Euge curled up
in a fetal position again.
"Yoo hoo, Eugene."
"Good morning, Mom," he said, his face dreamy and smiling, then
nightmarish and raging. "Mom!" he cried when his wide-awaked eyes saw
his mom by his bed.
"Dear, do you know where the cupcake pans are?"
"Cupcake pans?!"
"Never mind. I'll find them."
With that, Jenna walked away. Quiet once more, Euge pulled the
covers and snuggled in. Maybe he can still get in some more sleep
before his shift begins, he hoped. Suddenly, a mixer roared.
"Ugh!" Euge said and buried his head beneath the pillows.
*****
Euge was at his station early, taking comfort in guiding the ship
and resting his weary head on the console. It helped to take his mind
off his problems.
"Status report," Chow said as he, Larkin, Tracy, and Nurse Bev
Collins filed in from the turbolift.
"The energy readings are getting weaker. But the source is coming
in visual range," Janson reported.
"Raise shields and on screen."
There was something floating dead ahead.
"Magnify."
It wasn't just floating, but moving languidly.
"Euge, keep a safe distance between it and the ship."
"What is that thing?" Larkin said. "It looks like a headless
Ankylosaurus."
"Nah, I'm kind of partial to a giant ravioli with a tail," Daemon
said.
"Guys, it's not an Ankylosaurus and it's not a giant ravioli,"
Aedoni intervened from her science station. "The object matches an
entry in the library file. It's a spaceborne life-form. The same kind
the _Enterprise_-D discovered orbiting Alpha Omicron VII.[3] And anyone
can see that it looks like that Jewish food, you know, with the buttery
sauce?"
"Alpha Omicron," Chow said, stroking his chin. "Alpha Omicron is
some 10,000 light-years from years. What is it doing this far away?"
"Perhaps, the life-forms are not only indigenous to Alpha Omicron,"
Larkin suggested.
"Perhaps. But there is no source of habitat or nourishment this
far out. It's practically dead space. No. It doesn't belong here.
Given the weak energy readings, I'd even say it's dying."
"Well, in that case, I suggest we do the humane thing and tow it
back somewhere with our tractor beam."
Larkin looked to Chow for a confirmation. But the captain didn't
respond, his face wrought with uncertainty.
"Chi, you have something else in mind?"
"No, I don't."
"You want to leave the life-form here?"
"No. Proceed with the tractor beam."
The _Chivalier_ reversed 180 degrees in place. Its tractor beam
glided over to the spaceborne life-form. The life-form lurched wildly.
Jagged bolts shot forward at the ship's right nacelle.
"Captain, it's attacking with a radiation field!" Aedoni said.
"Disengage tractor beam!" Chow ordered.
All held their collective breath, waiting. Nothing, but restored
calmness.
"Minimal damage reported from all areas," Janson said.
"Well, that's gratitude for you," Nurse Bev Collins said.
"Chi, it may be just frightened. That's all," Larkin assured. "We
can try to sedate it before engaging the tractor beam next time."
"Whales," Tracy said.
"What was that, counselor?" Chow asked.
"Whales. You know, large marine mammals with flippers and a tail.
A spout at the top of the head. George and Gracie. Anyway, whales were
known to beach themselves for no apparent reason but to cause their own
death."
"Suicide?"
"Yup." Tracy nodded to the image of the life-form on the screen.
"And that out there is trying to do the same."
"Why?" Euge said softly. "Why?"
FADE TO COMMERCIAL
*****
Captain's log, stardate 105014.4. The spaceborne life-form died
several hours later after initial contact. Its will for death was
greater than our want to see it live. The _Chivalier_ has resumed its
mission. We should be finished and be back at DS9 in two days, the
latest, I hope.
*****
Daemon passed a glass of synthehol over to Larkin and took the last
one for himself. "When are we going to sit and eat?" he grumbled. "All
that talk of food with Aedoni has made me famished."
Larkin guzzled his drink, before replying. "Chi's running a few
minutes late. He'll be here shortly. I'm going to the kitchen to
replicate another drink."
"I'll come with you."
"Euge, I want Data."
"I told you, you can't have it," Euge said.
"Euge, I want Data," Ensign Scribe growled.
"No."
"Please?" she pleaded with a smile.
"No."
"Doh! I want Data!"
Passing by, Jenna heard the two officers. Being the busybody that
she was, especially in matters involving her son, she walked towards
them.
"Children, just what is going on here?" she asked.
"Uh, nothing, Mom. Scribe and I were just talking," Euge said.
"Mm-hm." She turned to Scribe. "You want his data, don't you?"
"Uh, yes," Scribe said, thinking she'll finally have Euge's Data
action figure.
"Well, I'll give you his data."
"Mom, don't!" Euge cried.
"My son is a Leo. He doesn't snore. He always leaves the toilet
seat down. And he always ask for directions. All the important data a
woman should know."
"Ms. Kwong, you don't understand. I meant day-ta," Scribe said.
"You say day-ta, I say dat-ta. Day-ta. Dat-ta." Jenna threw her
arms in the air. "Let's call the whole thing off."
Just then, Aedoni hurried over.
"Euge, we need to talk about my being your girlfriend," she said
with urgency.
"You see, Eugene, you are the ladies' man after all," Jenna said.
She patted her son on the cheek and walked away.
Chow entered with a bottle of Romulan Ale. He smiled and tilted
his head slightly in acknowledgment of his crew.
"You've made it after all, Steve."
Chow glanced around to see Jenna standing uncomfortably close to
him. He handed her the bottle. "My apology, Ms. Kwong, for being
late."
Jenna took the bottle and smiled broadly. "That's ok, you'll still
get your dessert." She turned to the others and yelled, "It's chow
time!"
Chow turned quickly and started to make his way towards an empty
seat at the far end of the dinner table.
Jenna grabbed his hand. "Oh, no, Captain. I've arranged for you
to sit beside me tonight."
"Merde," Chow said.
*****
Euge was sitting on his couch, watching the stars glide by. He had
not seen who it was that had come in; his back had been to the door at
the time. But he knew it was her.
Jenna dropped on the couch beside him. She sighed a long sigh.
Euge knew that that meant she was depressed about something. He had
tried that tactic before to let someone know that he was depressed.
"Oh, I don't think your captain likes me," she said. She waited
for him to look at her or question why. But he didn't stir. "Why do I
think that? All throughout dinner, he paid more attention to the
roasted duck than to me."
Still no reaction from Euge.
"Everything was just right. You, me, and him, all on the same
ship. But granted, he isn't the Italian-American stud like your father
is. Your real father, that is. May the Prophets guide him back to us."
"So this is what it's all about," he finally said. "You're here to
give me a family. How could you, Mom? You threw a grenade into my life
by abandoning me 15 years ago. And now you think you can just pick up
the pieces and put it all back together?"
"So you are angry at me for that. Listen, it was not like what you
think."
"Oh no?"
"No. I had you smuggled out of Bajor because I did it for you. I
knew that beyond that space station, there was both a new life for you
and no life at all for me. Just look at you. You're a Starfleet
officer, a lieutenant commander."
"Mom, that's just a title."
"Look, I don't want to fight with you. I know I haven't been part
of your life for so long. But I want to know you."
"I'm not sure you ever will."
Euge rose from his couch and walked away.
*****
The next day, the _Chivalier_ loomed over Deep Space Nine.
*****
Jenna walked down a corridor, carrying her luggage. She heard
someone falling into step alongside her and took hold of her luggage.
"Mom, allow me," Euge said.
Jenna studied her son skeptically.
"I'd say it's about a five minute walk to the spacedock from here.
It's not that much time, I know, but it's a five minute start."
Jenna embraced him, giving him a kiss on the cheek.
"You don't have to go, Mom."
"I know, but you have your own life here and mine out there. I'll
be back soon."
"Not too soon, I hope." Euge smiled. "Just kidding."
They continued down the corridor.
"What made you changed your mind?" Jenna asked.
"I was thinking about... whales."
"Whales? You want to know what I was thinking?"
"What?"
"Crossfire. Do you know if he's still single?"
"Mom!"
END
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: The Admiral (zecca@sage.cgd.ucar.edu)
Date: Unknown
"First Officer's Log..." Crossfire stopped suddenly and stared at the
computer terminal. "Did I just say that?"
"Confirmed. Would you like me to repeat the last entry, Commander?"
"No, Zen. Continue recording. First Officer's Log, Stardate whatever-
the-hell-it-is --"
"I can fill that in for you, sir."
"That would be nice, Zen," Crossfire hissed, rolling his eyes before
continuing. "Refit and repairs to the _Croutonprize_ are nearing completion
and the ship should be fully operational within a week. Star Fleet moved us
out of Repair Station McKinley and into a standard orbit last Tuesday, since
we now only have minor internal repairs left to take care of. Once we take
on supplies and additional crew, we should be ready to get underway. Admiral
Data has reported to us that he intends to take over and resume the LMC
Exploration effort. I, for one, wouldn't mind getting away from the Earth
and back out on the frontier, so I hope he includes the _Croutonprize_ in
his plans.
"Meanwhile, it's a quiet night here on the ship, so I was thinking about
turning in early..."
Crossfire's comm pin booped. "Crossfire here."
Zort answered. "Commander, we just picked up an anoma...anomer...
anomagloopityblah! We just picked up a weird reading from the Earth's north
celestial pole."
"What kind of anomalous reading?"
"A small starship...and it's heading straight towards us."
"On my way." Crossfire clicked off the terminal, gave A.J. a quick
scratch behind the ears and left for the bridge.
* * * * *
The turbolift doors parted, allowing Crossfire access to the bridge.
Zort, relieved, stood up from the Captain's chair.
"So what is it?"
"Dunno," said Zort, as they watched the small starship pull to a halt
a few hundred meters from their bow. "Looks kinda like a sleigh though."
"Slay...as in to kill?"
"No, sleigh as in one horse open."
Crossfire looked up at the ceiling to roll his eyes, when he noticed
someone walking across the transparent aluminum dome that sat at the top
of the bridge.
"What the-- Zort, somebody's up on the roof in, get this, green elf
costumes."
"Going to climb down our chimney, are they?" Zort smiled.
"Not on my ship." Crossfire drew his phaser. "Jez, intruder alert.
Let's get a move on. Zort, you have the conn."
Zort shrugged his shoulders and returned to the command chair. "Of
course, I have the conn. I had the froopin' conn before I called you."
FADE TO CREDITS
----------------------------------------------------------------------
STAR TREK: THE CROUTON GENERATION
SEASON FIVE
"Miracle on Deck 34"
Written by The Admiral
Music by G.E. Smith & the Saturday Night Live Band
"Jingle Bell Spock" performed by Leonard Nimoy and Brent Spiner
Directed by Sylvester McCoy
----------------------------------------------------------------------
"Row! [This way!]"
"Jez, hang on a second!" Jez stopped, turned and stomped back to
Crossfire. "I don't know what the hell is going on, but so far this has
got all the markings of the Holiday Lucky Charms. We ought to stop at
my quarters...I've got some things there that might be of use."
"HISSSSSSSS! [You'd better keep that damn dog away from me.]"
"He's a good dog, Jez. It's just that he equates cats with lunch.
You're right, though. Maybe you had better go on ahead. I'll meet up with
you shortly."
Crossfire waited for Jez to disappear from sight, then ducked into his
quarters. As he passed the threshold, the hairs on his neck stood up on
end. Tensing for battle, he readied his phaser and reached for the light
switch...
A.J. looked up at him with sad little puppy eyes and whimpered.
"Hey, boy. What's wrong...?" And then he saw it.
* * * * *
Rhee looked up from the Engineering console and clenched her fists.
"I thought I told those repair crews not to make so much noise!" She
stomped over to the Jeffries tube door. Inside, she stepped up to the
ladder and looked up, opening her mouth to shout, but suddenly losing her
voice.
"Wh-what the--?"
Six figures were climbing down the ladder at warp speed toward her,
face first. Five of them were dressed as elves. The sixth, and apparent
leader of the group, was unmistakably the Santa, dressed in red and white,
with a large packed bag slung over one shoulder and dark sunglasses covering
his eyes. The momentary thought of danger slipped her mind in favor of a
solitary question: How could they defy gravity?
Then she realized she was in their way and that if she didn't move soon,
she was going to get squashed.
* * * * *
At the center of the room sat a large fir tree decorated in various
lights and baubles. At the foot of the tree there sat a large box wrapped
in brightly colored paper. Hanging above the replicator were two large
stockings, one labeled "Crossfire" and the other "A.J." It was now also
that Crossfire noticed the plastic antlers on A.J.'s head and the large
B-O-N-E with the bow around it at his feet.
"What the hell? It's not Christmas..."
A.J. whimpered again. In spite of himself, the festive spirit of the
room began to take over Crossfire's better judgment. He decided to open his
present anyway. Setting down his phaser, he began to happily tear at the
paper.
* * * * *
"So, little girl, why don't you come sit on Santa's lap and tell him
what would you like for Christmas?"
"Christmas? But it's July! And I'm part Jewish!"
"Look, kid, do you wanna tell Ol' Saint Nicholson what you want for
Christmas or not? I can always just leave you a stocking full of dilithium
crystals instead, you know."
"Look, I'd rather you stop playing games and get back to work on that
plasma conduit on Deck 34."
"A plasma conduit? On Deck 34? You don't say..."
"You *are* from the repair crew, aren't you?"
"Ho-ho ho," the men in green intoned. Rhee noticed that they all had
huge sideburns and wore elf costumes cut in the style that nightclub singers
she'd seen on Vegas III always preferred.
"Is that a yes or a no?"
"Don't you worry your pretty little head, dearie. Santa'll take care
of everything! Ho ho ho!"
* * * * *
Crossfire sat at the bar in Ten Forward, drowning his sorrows in a mug
of Talarian synthale.
"So what was inside the box?" the girl tending bar asked as she dried
glasses.
"Are you always so nosy?"
"Are you always so evasive? Come on, I'm the bartender. You're s'posed
to tell me stuff you'd never tell anybody else."
"True, but aren't you a bit young to be tending bar?"
"You know full well all they serve at this bar is this synth stuff.
Look, they needed a civilian to fill in until the new crew comes aboard and
I'm trying to make enough cash to book passage to Iceworld."
"Iceworld? Why Iceworld?"
"Dunno, but I think my fortunes'll change when I get there. So what was
in the box?"
He stared into her eyes. "You're very persistent."
She stared right back and leaned towards him with a grin. "You're
very..." She lost herself in his eyes for a moment and then pulled back
somewhat, blushing. "I like you."
"You're jailbait."
She pulled back and resumed drying glasses. "You're beginning to annoy
me."
"Well, you *have* been annoying me."
"Things that annoy me have a tendency to...explode."
Crossfire arched an eyebrow up at this. "Really?" Crossfire leaned over
this time. "I rather like that in a woman. How old did you say you were?"
"What was in the box?"
"The box." Crossfire sighed, then began to recite the old advertisement
from memory. "'The Junior Physics Geek Experiment Kit. Over 500 physics
experiments you can perform in your own living room. Learn how to speak in
pure technobabble. Impress your mom! Tractor your friends!' I always wanted
one as a kid but my mom would never buy it for me. I used to think that's why
I couldn't understand Quantum, because I never had the chance to play with a
nuclear accelerator as a kid..."
"Me mum and I didn't get exactly get along either."
"That's not exactly what I said."
"Sorry. Mums are a touchy subject with me."
"Anyway, it's just got me puzzled..." Crossfire's voice trailed off,
then suddenly a light bulb appeared over his head.
Ace threw up her arms in frustration. "Missy!"
"I've got it! I know who's responsible for this. Thanks!" Crossfire
flashed her a smile and dashed out of Ten Forward.
Ace smiled back, then turned back to the bar. She noticed a customer
who hadn't been there before and shuffled over to him.
"Oy, what'll you have?"
Santa removed his shades, and looked up at Ace. She froze in place,
mesmerized by his eyes.
"Well, well, well, boys and girls. Looks like ol' Ace is helping the
enemy with his homework. Can't have that now, can we?"
"Ho-ho ho," chorused the five elves.
"Shut up, you ninnies!"
* * * * *
On Deck 34, Crossfire paced the halls nervously. "Come out, come out,
wherever you are!"
"Row?"
"Yes, Jez. I'm quite fine. And you can call off that intruder alert.
These are no Holiday Lucky Charms...and I'm an idiot."
"Ho ho ho, boys and girls. No arguments there."
Crossfire was taken aback with surprise. "Who the hell are you?"
"Ol' St. Nicholson. Got a problem with that? 'Cause if you do, me
and the boys'll have to rough you up a bit."
"The boys?"
"On Tiny! On Oledphat! On Prez and U.K.! Get your butt out here
now, Jung! I mean it! Today!"
They appeared in that order, so rapidly that, they startled our hero,
Jez the Wonder Cat!
"Come on now there, Santa, no need to be gruff." (Tiny)
"We can all hear you, your voice is too rough." (Oledphat)
"Crossfire is wondering," posed U.K. with a grin.
"Where did we come from? Where have we been?" (Prez)
"Now look here," shot Crossfire. "Enough of your game. Who the hell
are you? You all look the same. No reindeer, no Charms, just a warp-powered
sleigh."
"Is he going to hurt us?" (Jung)
"Are you kidding? No way." (Santa)
"Hey, why are we rhyming?" Crossfire put an end to that quickly. "Now
I asked you a question. Who are you?"
"I told you. I'm Ol' St. Nicholson, Santa if you like, and these are
my Elvises..."
"Mrowr rowr. Reowr. [This is too weird. I'm out of here.]" Jez
stalked off the set.
"Look, we're here with a skeleton crew in the middle of July, you're
going around leaving screwy Christmas presents and now you've just pissed
off Jez. Don't you think that's enough for one night?"
Santa grinned evilly. "You get the impression the writer's trying to
end this episode in a hurry and never really had a plot to begin with?"
"Yeah, I was beginning to wonder that myself..." Crossfire snapped
back to reality. "Look, that's irrelevant. Why did you leave me the Junior
Geek Physics Experiment Kit?"
"Didn't you always want one? Don't you think you might be able to
understand Quantum better with one?"
"Yes, but that's not the point."
"Sure it is. Merry Christmas."
And with that, Santa lifted his fingers and snapped. With a loud
pop and a flash of light, he and the Elvises disappeared.
Crossfire stood there for a while, dumbfounded.
* * * * *
The next morning on the bridge...
"What do you mean you don't remember the sleigh? You stood right here
and made a chimney wisecrack at me."
"I don't know what you're talking about, Commander," said Zort. "I
haven't seen you since you left me with the conn last night."
"What?" Crossfire whirled toward the tactical station. "Jez, tell
him about the Elvises we ran into."
"Rowr?? [Are you nuts? What Elvises?]"
"Well, well..." Crossfire sputtered. "What about that new girl tending
bar in Ten Forward?"
"What girl?"
"About 16, in a jacket covered with patches from all over the place..."
"Commander," said Soraya, stepping out of her Ready Room. "You know full
well human bartenders in Ten Forward are required by law to be at least 21
years of age."
"So what was I doing, dreaming?" Crossfire snorted angrily and left the
bridge in a hurry.
"What's he in such a snit about?" Soraya asked Zort.
"Beats the garghlyblab out of me."
* * * * *
In Crossfire's quarters, the tree was gone. So were the stockings.
A.J.'s antlers were gone...but he was happily chewing on a very familiar
looking bone.
"A.J.?"
Crossfire looked around the room, under the bed, in desk drawers, etc.,
but couldn't find the Physics Kit anywhere. Then he opened his closet.
There, sitting on the top shelf, was the Kit.
Outside Crossfire's window, the Kunz leaned against the black void of
space in his customary pose. He watched as Crossfire opened the Kit and
began to assemble the small nuclear accelerator at his dinner table.
"Merry Christmas, Crossfire," smiled the Kunz. Santa and the five
Elvises smiled with him, then all seven raised their fingers and snapped.
A LOUD BRIGHT FLASH, THEN THE CREDITS
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Guest stars
Nicholas Cage as "Tiny"
Bill Clinton as "Prez"
Paul Darrow as "U.K."
John Goodman as "Oledphat"
Rob Schneider as "Jung"
Sophie Aldred as Ace
P.D. Kunz as The Kunz
with special guest star
Jack Nicholson as Ol' St. Nick
----------------------------------------------------------------------
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