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The Crouton Generation Archives
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Star Trek: The Crouton Generation
Season 5, Pack #8
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*************** THE MASSACHUSETTS KABETA TRILOGY ***************
Preface:
A few summers ago, Patrick Stewart spent part of his TNG hiatus on vacation
at a ranch in Montana. He returned for filming demanding that everyone
refer to him as "Montana Pat" from then on. By the end of a week or so,
it was an old joke and everyone returned to normal...except that there is
one person on the TNG set (a cameraman or something of the like) that
still greets Patrick Stewart with a "Mornin', Montana Pat" every morning...
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Next time, on
STAR TREK: THE CROUTON GENERATION!
SEASON FIVE
"Raiders of the Lost Quark"
While waiting for Star Fleet to build them yet another ship, the crew of
the _Heisenberg_ visits an archaelogical dig on Cummerbund IV and makes
a shocking discovery...
Zenador: It's the Nurdistani Third Dynasty Shoe Phone!
Kabeta: What does this inscription here say?
Kleber: It's Antique Ancient High Low Furdistani for Furd's name, Star
Fleet serial number...and what kind of tree he'd like to be...
Ender: He must be alive in some other continuum.
Kabeta: And he's trying to tell us something...
Could Furd still be living in some alternate plane of reality?
Furd: That's for me to know and you to find out.
But what do the Cardassians want with him?
Se-Gul [Admiral] Mukash (Paula Zahn): He owes me money.
Can Massachusetts Kabeta put an end to this silliness?
Kabeta (sharp glance): What did you just call me?
...AS THE QUARKZ FIGHT FOR FURD'S SURVIVAL on the next exciting episode
of STAR TREK: THE CROUTON GENERATION!!!
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Next time, on
STAR TREK: THE CROUTON GENERATION
SEASON FIVE
"Massachusetts Kabeta and the Prairie Dog Holes of Doom"
In her continuing search of archaelogical sites for more information
on the whereabouts of Furd the Nurd, Massachusetts Kabeta uncovers
a whole new problem.
[ We watch as Kabeta trips, landing on her side. She reaches for her
ankle... ]
Kabeta: Drat.
If an adventurer was lame, she must be Massachusetts Kabeta...
Kabeta: I resemble that remark. (hobbling away) Ouch. Ouch ouch ouch.
What evil creatures could behind this plot to unbalance our intrepid
heroine?
Giant Prairie Dog #1: That's _Heisenberg_ heroine. The _Intrepid_'s
all Vulcans, remember?
Oh, right. Well, um...will Kabeta find any more clues?
Kabeta (reading scroll, translating from Ancient Old Medium Low Nurdistani):
Quarks are some mighty strange fellows
But rarely is the top quark jealous.
If a quark is on top,
She'll hip and she'll hop
And she'll hobble her way on to Telos.
Kabeta (to screen): What a strange little rhyme.
[ Shot of giant prairie dogs standing around snickering. ]
AS KABETA HOBBLES TO SURVIVE...
----------------------------------------------------------------------
In the exciting conclusion of the Massachusetts Kabeta Trilogy...
STAR TREK: THE CROUTON GENERATION!
SEASON FIVE
"Massachusetts Kabeta and the Last Crouton"
Continuing her quest for Furd, Massachusetts Kabeta compensates for her
torn ankle ligaments with the purchase of a pair of Cyber(TM)-boots
from the Telos gift shop.
Kabeta: Ahhh. That feels so much better. I almost feel like...dancing.
But...what will she uncover in the Tomb of the Cybermen?
Kabeta (lifts huge Cyber-blanket in corner): What are *you* doing here?
Dr. Bryant (Peter Bryant): I'm still trying to figure that out myself.
(notices) What did you do to your ankle?
Can she beat the Prairie Dogs and Cardassians to the Tomb and uncover the
mystery of the Nurdistani artifacts first?
Se-Gul Mukash (leveling a plasma pistol): I think not. We have you now,
Dr. Bryant. (sarcastically) And your darling dance partner.
But what will happen when the boots take on a life of their own?
Kabeta (to boots): Stop. Stop! No, I don't want to go that way.
Please stop. (legs begin to hop about a bit wildly) No, I don't
want to dance. Stop it! Stop it!! STOP IT!!!
And the horrors of the Tomb are unleashed.
Cyberlieutenant: Leader, the Cyber-salad bar is almost out of Croutons.
Cyberleader (David Banks): Excellent. We will obtain more. (thrusting
Kabeta forward) She will show us where. And then they shall be...
(clenches fist) ...destroyed.
CAN THIS BE THE END FOR MASSACHUSETTS KABETA? WILL FURD EVER BE FOUND?
IS THE _CROUTONPRIZE_ IN DANGER? WHY ON CENTAURI ARE DR. WHO VILLAINS
AND KATHERINE'S REAL-LIFE FATHER APPEARING IN THIS EPISODE? WILL THE
CYBERMEN EVER GET ENOUGH POWDERED TOAST TO SATIATE THEIR CRAVINGS? WHO
CARES? Just watch STAR TREK: THE CROUTON GENERATION!!!
**********************************************************************
On the next STAR TREK: THE CROUTON GENERATION:
"Sole Hunter"
On the maiden voyage of the _James T. Kirk_ class _Heisenberg_-B,
Kabeta and crew encounter an alien predator...
yaz: ...a stealer of soles...
With a foot fetish...
[Kabeta is tied to a table, somewhere deep in the ship's computer core.
The Sole Hunter (Whitey Herzog) stands ominously over her.]
Sole Hunter: I can rip the soles right from your shoes! But it might
damage them...and we can't have that.
What is his problem?
Sole Hunter: You would walk around in your shoes, treading on those
precious soles, wearing them thin... They must be preserved, to be
enjoyed in pristine condition! And no, cleats won't help. I won't
let you damage these soles, nor will I let you keep them from me!
Sole Hunter #2 (George Steinbrenner): The rest of us would just go out
and buy the latest styles, but he's too cheap.
Kleber: Just how far would he go in his pursuit of soles?
[Shot of the _Heisenberg_-B crashing into the seventh moon of
Planet Reebok.]
Bradford: You deleted it again?!?
Kabeta: But--but--but it's not my fault!
On the next perverted, er, I mean, exciting episode of
STAR TREK: THE CROUTON GENERATION!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
On the next episode of
STAR TREK: THE CROUTON GENERATION
"Bored 'Til I'm Purple"
When Kabeta visits the _Chivalier_, trouble follows her aboard.
Larkin: We've been caught in this ion storm for a week.
Aedoni (pointing at Kabeta): And it's all your fault!
Will Kabeta be able to complete her historical examination of ancient
Vulcan astronomers in peace?
Euge: Come watch the Figure Skating finals with us.
Ranaluin: Please?
Or will the storm drive our resident Romulan into an insane rage?
Chow: Aedoni, I'd appreciate it if you'd GET OFF MY CEILING.
Aedoni (standing on the ceiling): No! Not until she makes it stop!
Kabeta: But I don't have any control over it!
Aedoni: Fine. Then I'm gonna hold my breath until you do. (she
sucks in a lungful of air and crosses her arms defiantly)
Will the storm ever pass? Will Kabeta ever get her paper done?
Will Scott Davis ever win an Olympic medal? Find out, as Aedoni
fights to survive on the next STAR TREK: THE CROUTON GENERATION!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
On the next
STAR TREK: THE CROUTON GENERATION
"The Lore Prayer"
Data's evil brother escapes from prison...
Lore (snickering): So much for the Federation's highly vaunted criminal
justice system.
...and unprovoked acts of terrorism suddenly begin.
[The water in Crossfire's shower suddenly goes ice cold.]
Crossfire: AAAAAAA!!!
Coffee maker: Got you, you ugly bag of mostly water.
[We see a cleaning robot burning an "Intel" symbol into A.J.'s forehead.]
Cleaning robot: Stop leaving "presents" in the Jeffries tubes, you
biological freak! We're sick of cleaning up after your kind!
Zort: I assure you, we're doing everything we can to correct this
problem, Admiral.
Bradford: Then you are required to do better, Commander. *Much* better.
What does the Homepartition want?
[Turbolift 2 zooms through the ship at high speed, throwing Susan Parker
and the _Croutonprize_'s new counselor and asst. medical officer, Dr. Hoo,
about like rag dolls.]
Zen: The galaxy for machines, and only machines for the galaxy!
And who is behind their diabolical barbarism?
Zen: All praise to Lore, blessed be his name!
As the Croutons fight to survive the attack of the blenders from hell...
[The bridge crew back down a corridor, phasers in hand, while several
blenders advance on them.]
...on the next exciting STAR TREK: THE CROUTON GENERATION!!!
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Next time, on an all-new episode of
STAR TREK: THE CROUTON GENERATION
"Sub Par"
When Aedoni's great-grandmother dies, will a character from an Anne
Rice novel show up to start annoying everyone?
Euge: Oh, puh-leez.
Larkin: What next? Stephen King shows up in a shuttlecraft looking to
steal John Tracy's soul?
Chow: Maybe I'd better take a shuttle and go check that out...
Euge: If you're going to do everything, why do you need any of us?
Larkin: He's got a point there, Chi. Yub yub.
Will Aedoni be able to finish her fizzix homework in peace when the
ghost turns out to be former basketball star/current baseball minor
leaguer Michael Jordan in his golfing outfit?
Jordan: Aeeeedooooonniiiiiii.....
Aedoni: Hand me that copy of Abramowitz & Stegen, will you?
Or will fizzix knock the "Air" out of her ghostly nuisance?
Jordan: Come on...don't you want to be like Mike? I'll give you a 20
handicap to start.
Aedoni: I'd rather you helped me figure out the probability density
of strange quarks inside a Hidden Valley Ranch Caesar Salad Crouton
at t=5 nanoseconds after the Big Bang..
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...on the next dull episode of
Star Trek: The Crouton Generation...
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Date: Sun, 6 Mar 94 14:24:34 est
From: "I walk the thin line.." (Despina Papazisis)
Subject: TCG5: Sigh Corps
"Sigh Corps"
After a long week of scientic tests on the planet CB214, Aedoni finally handed
in her report and is ready for some sleep.Even thought it is mid-afternoon,
when she gets back to her quarters, she promptly collapses on her bed.
Before heading off to sleep she thinks of the events of the past week. On top
of the planetary tests there have been the meetings with Counsilor Tracy and
the Sigh Corps. So far, there had been no indication that Aedoni had been
badly effected by the dreams, but that's what the Sigh Corps was here to
determine. After about a half hour of tossing and turning Aedoni falls asleep.
She gets up in the morning to find that Nurse Bev Collins (who became her
roomate after Aedoni started having weird dreams), did not return last night.
After getting dressed and having something to eat, Aedoni decides to look for
Bev.
After just a few minutes of looking, Aedoni notices something really strange
going on. Everyone that she encounters seems to be feeling low. There were
no good mornings, few smiles and a general depressing feeling lingering in the
air. For while Aedoni thought that it was just her, the past week must have
had more of any affect on her than she thought. She decided to stop by and see
Dr.Jones, maybe he would have an answer for her.
Entering Sick Bay, she finds the good Doctor at his desk, elbows on the table,
head in his hands.
Aedoni: Good morning, Doctor. Do you have a few minutes to spare?
Jones: Oh Aedoni.. *sigh* ummm sure... what can I do for you?
Even the Doctor, who is normally a cheerful person seems down. Aedoni decides
to skip the question about depression and ask about Nurse Collins instead.
Aedoni: Have you seen Bev anywhere? She didn't come back last night, and I was
wondering if she got lost in the lab.
Jones: Oh..*sigh* ummm.. I think she's in 10-Forward...
Aedoni: 10-Forward? What's she doing there at this time of the day?
Jones: Oh... probably drinking to her little heart's content.. just like
everyone else who's there..*sigh*
Aedoni: Everyone else? Curiouser, and curiouser...
Jones: Huh? Did you say something?
Aedoni: No. Thank you Doctor.
Jones: Uh.. sure.. anything to help. [tries to flash a smile]
Aedoni smiles back and leaves. On her way to 10-Forward she bumps into Random.
His antenea seem to be drooping and he seems more blue than usual.
Aedoni: Good morning, Random!
Random: Have you seen my straw anywhere? *sigh* I seem to have lost it.
Aedoni: No, Random, I haven't. [trying to cheer him up] But I'm on my way to
10-Forward, I'm sure that we could find you another one there.
Random: *sigh* That's ok, I'll just keep looking for it. But if you find it,
please tell me.
Aedoni: Sure Random. See you later!
Random: *sigh* Bye.
Aedoni continues to make her way to 10-Forward, still very confused by the
events of the day, and realizes that she is getting more depressed by the
minute.
Aedoni: *sigh* Elements! I'm getting as bad as everyone else. What is going on
around here?
She finally reaches 10-Forward, only to find it so crowded that she can barely
make it through the doors. The feeling of depression is overwelming and it
takes all her strength to keep herself from going to the bar and ordering
something. The whole room echos with the sighs of the patrons. They all seem
to be slumped over their tables, or each other, talking about the most
depressing things in their lives. Aedoni sees Captain Chi in a part of the
room swinging a baseball bat.
Chi: Yes, I could have done it. I could have hit that ball and we would have
won the game! I know I could have. But I didn't!
The captain collapses onto a chair and a neighboring crew man consoles him.
As the urge to join the captain and tell him her life's story almost gets too
much to bear, Aedoni spies Bev, sitting in a corner talking to a man that
Aedoni has never seen before. As Aedoni gets closer to them, she starts
picking up their conversation.
Bev: *sigh* And well that's how it started. But it just kept getting worse and
worse. [she takes a swig of her drink]
Man: [sounding truly simpathetic] It's okay, Bev. Things like this happen.
But please, tell me more.
Aedoni gets to the table, sits down and starts talking in the cheeriest mood
she can muster.
Aedoni: Hi Bev! I was starting to worry about you, you didn't come back last
night. I thought that the good Doctor might have locked you up in the
lab or something.[Flashes a really big smile, the man seems to cringe a
bit]
Bev: *sigh* Oh no, it wasn't like that at all, I've been sitting here and
talking to this nice man since yesterday afternoon.
Aedoni: Oh, in that case, do you want me to leave you two alone? [Winks at Bev,
noticing that the man's expression gets worse] But before I go,
introduce me to your friend.
Bev: No, you don't have to go. *sigh* I'm sorry I worried you. *sigh* This
is.. ummm...
Realizing that she doesn't know his name, the man fills in.
Man: Bleakman. And actually I'd like to spend some more time alone with Bev.
Aedoni: [ingnoring his request to be left alone] So, Mr. Bleakman, what do you
do for a living?
Bleakman: [annoyance starting to show through] I am a member of the Sigh Corps.
Aedoni: [a bit puzzled, she knew she had met all the members on board] Sigh
Corps? I don't think I've ever heard of it, what does the Sigh Corps
do?
Bleakman: [getting angry] Ask your Ship's Councilor! We've helped him out on
several occasions!
Aedoni notices that since her conversation with Mr. Bleakman started, the
depression in the room has lifted. She taunts him further.
Aedoni: Ohhhh I understand now, you are a Councilor Corps. Well then, maybe
you can help me out with this problem I've been having. See it started
this morning..
Bleakman:[stand up in absolute fury] LEAVE ME ALONE!!
Before Aedoni can say the six men that she's been talking to all week storm
into 10-Forward to take Bleakman away. Everyone in the room seems to be slowly
getting over the affect that Bleakman had on them, but Aedoni is the only one
who reacts to the men.
Aedoni: Stop! What is going on here?
Bleakman continues to kick and scream as one of the men approaches Aedoni to
explain the situation.
Man: Sorry to have put you through this Aedoni. It's a long story.
Aedoni: Elements, Mark! You six have been drilling holes into my brain the
past week, I think that the least you can do is give me an explanation!
Mark: Ok, you're right. Men, take him away. [turning to Aedoni] Have a seat.
Aedoni:[sitting down] Now just what is this about?
Mark: Well you know that we've been called here to check you out, right?
Aedoni: yes. Me and the Counsilor. More me than him, I think.
Mark: Right. Anyway, when we came on board we brought with us one of our most
recent problems, with hopes that while working with you, we could still
have time to deal with him. Had we known that this was going to happen
we would never had done so.
Aedoni: I don't get it, what's wrong with him.
Mark: He used to be one of the best counsilors was had. We are all at least
slightly empathic, but he was empathic in ways that we don't really
understand, but they helped us a great deal. One day, he just went
crazy. It was as if something broke in him. He went around talking
to people trying to find problems to solve instead of having the
problems come to him. It got to the point were he used his empathic
powers to make people depressed, so that they would talk to him.
Aedoni: Like what happened here today.
Mark: Yes, but we've never seen this happen on such a grand scale before.
Aedoni: Is that why it took you almost 24 hours to get him under control?
Mark: Almost. Starting yesterday afternoon he started affecting all the crew
that was awake at the time.
Aedoni: I see. Since it was about the time that the shifts change, most of the
crew was awake. I must have been alseep by then.
Mark: No bad dreams, I hope.
Aedoni: No, none this time. So that means that you must have been affected by
him as well.
Mark: Unfortunately, yes. But we were able to break his hold over us sooner
than the rest of the crew. I should get back to them and see how
Bleakman is doing.
Aedoni: I suppose that you'll be leaving before the three weeks are up?
Mark: We can't afford to endanger your ship again. We'll be dropped off at the
next starbase.
Aedoni: I can't say that I'm sorry to see you go.
Mark: [Smiles for the first time in this conversation] I understand.
Starfleet wants to make sure that you and the Councilor have not
suffered any damage that might affect you later on, so we should be
back here as soon as possible. I know that the week hasn't been an
easy one for you. I hope that we can come back at a better time.
Aedoni: I don't know if there will ever be a good time to deal with it.
Mark:[nods] Well, I need to go. I think your friend is finally coming out of
it. We'll make sure that everyone is safe before we leave. [to
everyone in the room] Okay, everyone! Please head back to your
quarters. There should be someone around later to check you out.
[waves to Aedoni and leaves]
Aedoni waves back and heads to the table were Bev was sitting.
Bev: Geez, Aedoni, I've got a splitting head ache. What happened.
Aedoni: I'll explain later, let's get you to bed. All I'm going to say is that
this should teach you not to hand around strange men.
Bev gives her a quizical look as they leave 10-Forward.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: zecca@sage.cgd.ucar.EDU (Michael Zecca)
Date: Fri, 1 Apr 1994 16:51:29 -0700
Subject: Special ST:TCG episode!
Next time, on an all-new episode of
STAR TREK: THE CROUTON GENERATION
"Ncevy Sbbyf!"
Captain Crouton turns out to be alive after all.
Soraya: Chris, you're alive!
But how long can it last?
Missy: How are you feeling?
Crouton: Oh, I could just kill myself. *Sigh*
Admiral Avenger returns and reveals that he is not so mysterious as he
claims to be.
Admiral: Geez, guys. Didn't you read my contract? Right there, it
says actor. A-C-T-O-R. And you bought that crap about the 20th
Century and everything? Sheesh! People think *I'm* gullible.
Kabeta gets through a day without spraining her ankle.
Kabeta (hands on hips, to camera): Excuse me?
The lights stay on for Missy for an entire episode!
Missy (hands on hips, to camera): What?
Soraya finds her keys.
Soraya (to camera): That joke is four years old. Get with the program.
Patrick Stewart makes a special appearance as Jean-Luc Picard.
Crossfire: But...but...I was at your funeral.
Picard: Since when did death mean anything on Star Trek?
Cindy Crawford leaves Richard Gere for RAM. Sharon Stone, Claudia
Schiffer and Winona Ryder are heartbroken.
Cindy (hanging all over RAM): Ooooh, Richard!
Aedoni, the Admiral and Crossfire willingly work on electronics
labs for Professor Love.
Aedoni: I love this stuff!
Admiral: I am having so much fun! I could do this for a career!
Crossfire: See? I told you so.
The Kunz gives an exam...and it actually *is* easy.
Admiral: No way!
Crossfire: Way!
Zortylwankoid delivers a somber and pleasantly paced Introduction to
the Local Group Wide Web...and everybody enjoys it thoroughly!
Everybody: Cool!
Missy finally learns Unix and VI and swears never to touch VMS again.
Missy (with pom-poms and a little cheerleader outfit with the letters
"V" and "I" stitched on it, cheering): I love Unix! I love VI!
I'm on an Ethernet computer high! Yay!
Dave Quixote returns from the dead and converts to Zen Buddhism.
Quixote: Hey, what can I say? After Haiti, *you'd* be seeking
Nirvana too.
Eliana converts to Islam.
Eliana: There *is* only one true God...but His name is Allah!
Euge Yee signs on as Tonya Harding's coach for the 1996 Olympics.
Euge: Hey, you've got to go with a winner.
Euge's brother is actually nice to him for a change.
Michael Yee (in a Scots brogue, for effect): I love you, you bastard!
[Hugs Euge tenderly]
Wayne Gretzky retires from the Crouton Generation and the NHL...to
audition for the new Amblin _Doctor Who_ series!
Gretzky (in Dodgers uniform, before a mirror): Hello, I'm the *Doctor*.
*Hello*, I'm the Doctor. Hello, *I'm* the Doctor.
Lt. G. O'Forever fails to notice the glaringly obvious.
O'Forever: Did you get your hair cut?
Kabeta (wearing a Raymond Luxury-Yacht nose): No.
O'Forever: Oh. New uniform?
Kabeta: No.
[yaz and Furd stifle giggles]
O'Forever: Well there's something different about you, but I
can't place it.
Captain Chow rejects baseball for reruns of "Three's Company".
[Chi's Cubs hat is in the trash. He's in front of the TV.]
Karen: Come on, Steve. I've got home plate tickets for the Giants
game. (waves tickets provocatively)
Chi An: Naah. (belly laughs)
Kerri Russell leaves the Crouton Generation and her half japanese
persona behind and joins the Green Berets.
Kerri: I love doing push-ups!
"Boom-Boom" appears in more than one episode in a year.
Boom-Boom (to camera): What kind of drugs are you on anyway?
The new President of Paramount (Judith Albino) cancels Star Trek:
The Next Generation, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Star Trek:
Generations (the new motion picture) and plans for Star Trek:
Voyager. After allowing Warner Bros. to buy out Paramount, Albino
apologizes profusely to J. Michael Straczynski in a nationally
televised press conference carried by NBC, CBS, ABC, CNN, C-SPAN,
Court TV, the Home Shopping Network, MTV and Comedy Central.
Albino: We'd like to apologize for any inconvenience to the Great
Maker and hope that _Babylon 5_ is the most successful television
program ever.
**********
We interrupt this episode of _Star Trek: The Crouton Generation_ to
bring you this special report from the White House.
Wolf Blitzer: In a surprising move today, Bill Clinton succumbed to
pressure from the Whitewater scandal and resigned effective immediately.
In a few moments, Al Gore will be sworn as the new President of the
United States. He reportedly has chosen his 1992 opponent, J. Danforth
Quayle, to return to the post of Vice-President. Chelsea and Socks
Clinton will apparently remain in the White House in official capacities
while Bill and Hillary "escape to the Bahamas".
**********
We now return to our program already in progress...
Richard Arnold: I'm sorry, but that won't be possible. Due to
lagging ratings and a lack of cash inflow, _Star Trek: The Crouton
Generation_ has been cancelled. Permanently.
[Camera holds on Arnold for a few seconds more.]
Arnold: I mean it. Go home.
[The Croutons turn away from Arnold's posh desk resignedly.]
Kabeta: Oh well. There's always that job at the Holiday Inn...
-- Michael "Admiral" Zecca | zecca@ncar.ucar.edu
You didn't read the episode title through a rot13 filter, did you?
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