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==================================
Star Trek: The Crouton Generation
Season 5, Pack #9
==================================
Next time, on
STAR TREK: THE CROUTON GENERATION
SEASON FIVE
"Spasms"
Kabeta and crew finally have a new ship!
Kabeta: On this new _Heisenberg_, I really do feel like I am home again.
But to have a decent plot, something has to spoil the reunion...
Kabera: Is this whole crew going insane?
What evil force can be invading the _Heisenberg_?
Kendragon: The ship is haunted.
Kabeta: Even if I did believe in ghosts and goblins, Jean-Luc Picard was
not the type of man who would go around haunting -- for any reason!
GHOSTS, QUARKS AND TINKERTOYS on the next exciting episode of
STAR TREK: THE CROUTON GENERATION!!!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
"Choose your death carefully. You'll be
stuck with it for a long long time."
-- Solomon Short
------------------------------------------------------------
From _Jane's Starships_, 2493 edition:
The original starship _Heisenberg_ was the second in the _Salad_ class
series, commissioned some two years after the _Croutonprize_. Her captain,
Kabeta, is a legend in her own right. An heir to the throne of Xavion, she
put her backward past behind her and became the most enigmatic woman to ever
command a starship, surpassing even Rachel Garrett. After her retirement
from Star Fleet, Kabeta went on to similar greatness as a Federation
Ambassador, strengthening the Romulan Alliance and helping to bring Xavion
back into the fold. Today, the elder stateswoman lives in quiet retirement
on her homeworld, occasionally receiving respected visitors from all over
the Three Galaxies.
Kabeta's career as a starship captain did not end when the first ship
named _Heisenberg_ sank into phase space, of course. [1] No, the original
_Heisenberg_ was only the first in a long line of starship commands for the
legendary Kabeta...
--------------------
"Captain Kabeta."
Kabeta started, having missed the android's stealthy approach. "Admiral
Data, you startled me."
"Forgive me, Captain. Perhaps the good news I bear will make suitable
amends."
"What is that, Admiral?"
"Amends: compensation for a loss or injury; recompense; the family of
a late 20th Century cartoonist; the--" Data caught *that* look in Kabeta's
eyes. "But that is not important right now. A new _Salad_ class starship
has been commissioned. You and your...displaced crew are to take command,
effective tomorrow."
"Really?" Kabeta broke into a wide, excited grin. "What is this ship
called?"
"Prior to your rather...unfortunate accident, it was going to be called
_USS Jean-Luc Picard_."
"So...?"
"The fourth _Salad_ class vessel has been renamed _USS Heisenberg_. Or
to be more accurate, _Heisenberg_-A."
FADE TO CREDITS
----------------------------------------------------------------------
STAR TREK: THE CROUTON GENERATION
SEASON FIVE
"Spasms"
Written by the Admiral
with a nod to David Gerrold and his good friend Solomon Short
_Jane's Starships_ narrated by
Jerry Doyle
Special appearance by
Brent Spiner as Data
Directed by John Heins
Music by Stevie Wonder
[1] See ST:TCG5 "The Ship Who Sank" by Katherine and Josh
[2] See ST:TCG3 "The Silence of the Croutons" by the Admiral
[3] See ST:TCG5 "Reunion" by David McKinnon
[4] An excellent reference to _Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure_
[5] The battle cry of Powdered Toast Man, of course!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
"Captain's Log, Stardate 104434.3. In the weeks since we lost the
_Heisenberg_ and then nearly recovered it from phase space, I have felt
very...awkward. Homeless, in a manner of speaking, my crew and I have led
a nomadic existence while waiting for our next assignment. I think I am
beginning to understand what my friend Avenger went through when he lost
his own command. It's too bad he was not offered the solution I have been.
"For all of us to be able to band together again and aboard so similar
a vessel...on this new _Heisenberg_, I really do feel like I am home again."
Kabeta scanned her bridge, smiling. Only one thing was really missing
to make the scene complete -- a first officer. Scribonia, poor dear, was
still on her homeworld, trying to recover from the wounds she suffered at
the hands of the Lucky Charms. [2] Furd was last seen in phase space aboard
the previous _Heisenberg_, preparing to self-Timescoop the ship to save their
lives. [3]
She could rectify the first officer situation soon enough. For now, she
just wanted to explore space with this crew again.
"Mr. O'Forever, plot a course for Deep Space Nine. We're going to take
a short-cut to the Gamma Quadrant and have a look around."
"Aye, Captain. Course already plotted."
"An obvious choice?"
"Obviously."
Kabeta smiled. "Engage."
* * * * *
"Captain," called yaz. "Have a look at this."
Kabeta followed him to the gold commissioning plaque at the corner of
the bridge. She read through it, most of it unexciting.
"Take a look at the motto."
She read it aloud. "Never buy anything with a low serial number."
"What do you think it means?"
"Means, yaz?" Kabeta shook her head. "I don't believe it *means* any-
thing. If this ship is anything like our beloved old _Heisenberg_, we'll
keep getting a rotation of these strange little sayings. But meaning? I
don't think it means a thing except that our ship likes us."
"Hrmph." yaz puzzled over the plaque some more. Kabeta turned to
return to her chair. "Captain, could I see you in your Ready Room a moment?"
They entered the Ready Room and Kabeta took a seat on the couch, ges-
turing for yaz to join her.
"Captain, I've been noticing things all morning. Strange little sayings
like that keep popping up in the computer fortune programs, names on crew
quarters, that plaque..."
"What are you saying, yaz? Don't tell me you're becoming superstitious
on me."
"I just feel like I'm walking around on the decks of the _Andrea Doria_
or the _Titanic_ or...or the _Enterprise_-C. I can't tell you why, but..."
Kabeta looked around the room, lost in thought. "We've been through an
awful lot of late, yaz. We've been up against the Borg in a fight to my best
friend's death. We lost a major cornerstone of Federation civilization in a
supernova. We've been picking up the pieces of lost exploration efforts in
the Magellanic Clouds. We lost our ship -- twice..." Her eyes settled on
his. "Maybe being in space again simply frightens you, deep down. Maybe
your decision to return to starship duty was hasty..."
"Captain, I don't think there's any reason to insult my intelligence!"
yaz stood. "Besides, I'm not the only that feels this way."
"Really?" An eyebrow arched up on Kabeta's forehead.
"Ender's been holed up in his room all morning, playing with Tinkertoys.
He said something about trying to balance quark karma in the ship's energy
transfer conduits. McDonagh's not much better. He's been doing rain dances
near the warp core to ward away 'evil spirits.' And Zenador--"
"I don't think I really need to know what Zenador is doing."
yaz snickered. "You're probably right there."
Kabeta sighed. "All right, look. If you're all so concerned...why
don't we hold a staff meeting in the Forward Observation Lounge at 1200.
We'll make it a lunch, get everyone settled and comfortable, that sort of
thing..."
"I'll inform the crew," said yaz. He flipped his aviator scarf back
over his shoulder to reposition it, then turned on his heel and left.
"What is getting into this crew?" Kabeta shook her head. "First,
hippos...now this?" She flipped on her computer terminal and called up
the personnel records window.
First though, the fortune program popped this little gem up in her
window: "Even entropy isn't what it used to be." An eyebrow crept up
Kabeta's face as the fortune erased itself and was replaced by the crew
manifest. The blue in her eyes became more like steel, then she shook
her head again and rubbed her eyes.
"Now they've got me doing it."
* * * * *
"Does anyone have the slightest clue what is going on here?" Kabeta
looked pleadingly at her senior staff as she nibbled at a sandwich.
"I don't suppose," O'Forever posed, "that it's that Bodiless character
again? You know, having a little fun as a ghost in the machine?"
"No," said Aoki. "We checked on that. I think we forgot him back
on the Starbase actually."
Kendragon shredded lettuce for the cole slaw, albeit nervously. "The
ship is haunted."
"It is *not* haunted," Kabeta stated firmly. "This is a brand new ship!"
"But it was supposed to be named after Picard," said Ambassador
Blanchefleur. "Maybe he's haunting us from his grave?"
"I don't believe that nonsense for a minute," said Kabeta. "Even if I
did believe in ghosts and goblins, Jean-Luc Picard was not the type of man
who would go around haunting -- for any reason!"
The doors whooshed open and a...crystal lattice made of Tinkertoys
shambled in. Somewhere in its midst was Matt Ender...
"Captain, I'm doing the best I can, but the quark karma just will not
stabilize!"
"I can think of some Quarkz who will *never* stabilize," muttered
Zenador.
McDonagh continued to jitter in his seat. Not able to stand it any
longer, he dropped his soup spoon and attacked the computer terminal next
to Kabeta.
"I beg your pardon--"
"This is important, Captain," he said. He typed frantically into the
terminal for several seconds, then pulled his fingers back suddenly, as if
he had burned them.
"What?" Kleber asked. "What is it?"
McDonagh, eyes wide, leapt onto the table and began his rain dances
again.
"Audio playback please," requested the annoyed Kabeta.
"Being dead means never having to say you're silly."
"What?!?"
"Being dead means never having to say you're silly!" McDonagh shrieked.
He continued his dance, scattering some of the plates and bowls and making
a bit of a mess.
"That's enough!"
McDonagh froze. Everyone turned to Kabeta.
"That's enough. From all of you." She tugged at her uniform and
quickly polished the 4.5 pips at her collar with her right wrist. "You
are all trained professionals. Start acting like it! I want answers,"
she said, turning to stare with cold steel at and through McDonagh. "Not
rain dances."
The room was deathly silent for thirty seconds or more. During that
time, no one moved. Hardly a breath was audible.
Then, suddenly, the normal shipboard discussions resumed amongst her
senior staff. McDonagh leapt from the table and landed cleanly on his feet,
snapping himself to attention and sharply saluting his captain before
marching out of the room.
"Shonyo, when will it stop?" Kabeta exclaimed.
* * * * *
"Eldred must live!" intoned Thokk as he stumbled toward Holodeck 4
like some sort of Frankenstein's monster. "Eldred must live!"
"Thokk!" shouted Counselor Jiapa, running to catch up to the giant.
"Thokk, wake up!"
"Eldred must--" Thokk's eyes blinked open and his arms fell to his
side. "Wait a minute. What's going on?"
"You've been sleepshambling through the corridors. We've already had
to treat three ensigns for injuries..."
"Oops. Sorry." Thokk frowned. "I never walked in my sleep before."
"Maybe it's part of this...whatever it is that's going on," said
Jiapa. "Tell me, what were you dreaming about?"
"Dreaming? Don't know." Thokk looked up at the ceiling in silent
reflection. The image of Thokk in serious reflection is rather humorous
if you think about it... "I don't usually remember dreams, but I had
this urge to go to Holodeck and call up...a funny man in pajamas."
"Pajamas?"
"White pajamas with blue stripes. Only, he was with a bunch of other
men in same color pajamas...and they were playing a game."
"Game?"
"Hey, I thought I was the one with the limited vocabulary around here!"
Jiapa shrugged at Thokk's retort and restated her question. "Did you
recognize anything about the game?"
"Only that I think I saw Admiral Avenger playing it on Starbase once.
And something about the word 'Milly-wah-kay.'"
"I'd better inform the Captain." Jiapa reached waaaaay up and grabbed
hold of Thokk's elbow. "But I'd better tuck you back in first."
* * * * *
"Is this whole crew going insane?" Kabeta dropped the PADD *loudly*
on her desk and stood up. "There is absolutely nothing to be afraid of
here! Do you understand me?"
"Captain," said Jiapa calmly. "There's no reason to get upset."
"Upset? Who's upset?" Kabeta paced back and forth by her office
window. "My crew's verging on mutinous behavior, my ship is threatening
us via the computer bulletin boards and commissioning plaque and now I
can't get these frooping clocks out of my head!!!"
"Frooping?" Jiapa examined the captain carefully. "Clocks?"
"Grandfather clocks. Billions of them. Ringing the hour, the half
hour, but all out of phase. It's driving me crazy!!!!"
"Captain, I think you'd better have a lie down..."
* * * * *
"Grandfather clocks?" David Goldhaber puzzled the idea. "Symbolic of
time distortions, I suppose. Or of an ancient menace? Or..."
"This isn't getting us *any*where," said Ens. Aoiai. "Why don't we
try to communicate with them?"
"What them?" asked Jiapa. "Do we know if there's an intelligence
behind what is going on?"
"Hang on," interrupted Ens. Droht. "Incoming message from the Net,
alt.heisenberg.physics.paranormal: 'Heisenberg was not only right. He
was ABSOLUTELY right.'"
"That does it!" Michael Hutchings suddenly ran past them all. "I
can't take it any more! I've got to get out of here!"
Ensign Metag grabbed hold of Hutchings and shook him violently. "Pull
yourself together. You don't realize the gravity of our situation!"
"Gravity?" mumbled yaz. "Did somebody say gravity?"
"Yes. Why?"
"Hmmm...."
* * * * *
"What...izzit?" Kabeta, heavily sedated, looked blearily at the display
yaz had produced on her terminal.
"Looks like an hourglass," noticed McDonagh.
"'Like sands through the hourglass, so are the days of our lives...'"
Ens. Goldhaber intoned, getting a curious side glance from McDonagh. "That
was Socrates, don't you know." [4] He puzzled over the symbology. "Perhaps
it means time is running out?"
"An appropriate metaphor," yaz confirmed. "It's a time funnel...sort
of the early stages of formation of a time vortex. At times, they can act
rather annoying like whirlpools on an ocean, except that they give off
gravity waves and time resonances."
"Oh, so *that's* what was messing up the quark karma," Ender realized.
"Zzzo the tings that hab been habbening?" Kabeta fought to remain
awake. "The clocks..."
"Distorted ripples from other times, other places."
"So what do we do?" asked McDonagh.
"Very little," said yaz. "If we move, we're sure to get sucked right in.
If we don't...we keep experiencing all this weirdness, at least until the
funnel forms into a full-blown time vortex and transports us through time."
"So we're stuck here?"
"Oh pleeeez no..." Kabeta groaned. "Iv we eber get out of thiz, I
doan eber wanna see or hear another grandfather clock again..."
* * * * *
Suddenly...out of the darkness of space, like a bolt of faster-than-
lightning. It's a bird! It's a plane!
"Hey! Who locked up the steering?!?" half japanese climbed out of
the _Subaru_'s con station and staggered toward her command chair.
"I *knew* we shouldn't let the captain drive," Jason mumbled under
his breath at Missy.
"Excuse me!!!" hj exclaimed. "Would somebody please tell me what is
going on here?"
"Well," said Palmer, glancing at the display on the terminal next to
his chair. "It looks like we're on course for the last reported position
of the new _Heisenberg_."
"In reverse," added Practor from the Ops station.
"At Jolt 7," finished Missy.
"Well, as long as we're clear on that." hj started to march off
towards her Ready Room, then stopped suddenly. "Hey, wait a minute--"
The ship lurched suddenly, slamming on its brakes, peeling out in a
doughnut, then lurching forward.
"Before you ask, Captain," Lt. Maron reported. "Same course, directed
forward now, Jolt 9."
"Yeah, but who plotted the course."
"I did," said Heian eerily.
"You did?" Missy turned to the computer station. "On whose authority?"
"Wait a minute," interrupted Palmer as he leaped up the bridge to the
computer station. "That doesn't sound like Heian."
"Aw, and we just got Heian fixed again!" hj stormed up to the computer
station. "No haiku?"
"Look, folks, I'm sorry to do this, but my friends are in trouble. I'm
not really Heian, but this is the only way I could present myself to you."
"It's almost like we've got a ghost in the machine," Jason wisecracked.
"You could say that," Heian chuckled.
* * * * *
"Incoming message from the _Subaru_," reported Kleber. "It's from
their computer!"
"What?" Kabeta shook the bonging of grandfather clocks out of her
head and tried to focus on what Heian was saying.
"Hey, guys! It's Bodiless! You left me at Starbase in the coffee
machine! I was getting awfully bored dispensing sugar, then next thing I
know, I hear Star Fleet lost contact with you. Then I got this weird
message you sent an hour from now after you safely aboard the _Subaru_, so
here I am!"
"Sent an hour from now? What?"
"It's the time distortions, obviously, Captain," said Lt. G. O'Forever,
who surprisingly turned out to be relevant to the plot after disappearing
after the brunch scene. "We can use them to backward a message to Bodiless
after we leave."
"Great," said Kabeta. "But how are we going to leave?"
"Leave everything to me!" [5] Bodiless/Heian exclaimed. "Just get your
things together and assemble in the main shuttle bay in twenty minutes."
"All right." Kabeta closed the channel and turned to her officers.
"Well, Quarkz, it appears that entropy has us outnumbered." She stopped
and looked about curiously, wondering where *that* line came from. "Get
your things and help the juniors evacuate. I have a final task to perform
before we go."
Kabeta plopped into the command chair and activated the captain's
log one last time.
* * * * *
Twenty minutes later, Kabeta arrived in the main shuttle bay. Content
to leave the counting to the mathematicians in her crew, she assumed from
the generally packed nature of the bay that the entire crew had assembled
in time. She tapped her communicator pin.
"Kabeta to _Subaru_."
"hj here, *sir*."
"Oh, stop that! I don't outrank you by *that* much."
"Fine, then we *won't* Croutonize you when Heian tells us all is clear."
"Captain half japanese, I apologize for my outburst. It's just these
clocks..."
"Kabeta, I don't even want to know..." hj coughed. "All right, look.
Heian or whoever-it-is said that Croutonizing you off is going to screw with
the inertia of the _Heisenberg_ enough to make it fall into the funnel rather
quickly. Missy's redirecting all power to the Croutonizers and we might burn
them out in the process, but we should be able to get everyone off in a couple
of quick bursts."
"What's the catch?"
"Well...we need to move lots of people quickly, so if you could squeeze
together real close-like... Maybe if everybody hugs several other people
tight?"
"Um..."
Before Kabeta could resist or suggest another course of action, hj
continued. "And as soon as you appear on our Croutonizers, jump off and
make room for the next wave."
"Uh...okay."
Kabeta looked around at her crew, blushing. As loudly as she possible
could, she shouted. "All right, everybody. You heard the instructions.
Group hug on my mark!"
"This is all a bit too silly for me, Captain," McDonagh admitted
shakily.
Kabeta arched up an eyebrow at that. Then those damn clocks started
ringing the hour...
"NOW!!!"
--------------------
From _Jane's Starships_, 2493 edition:
And so it was that the second great starship named _Heisenberg_ was
lost. No one knew the reputation the name _Heisenberg_ would carry into
space. Still, no ship named _Heisenberg_ ever proved to be as unlucky as
the _Heisenberg_-A. Perhaps its fate can be best summed up by this quote
from its final captain's log: "Oh no!" a frustrated Kabeta exclaimed in
that report. "I've deleted it again!!!"
THE END...?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: kbryant@husc.harvard.EDU
Subject: TCG Ad
Date: Mon, 28 Mar 1994 15:23:13 -0500 (EST)
Coming soon(?) to a terminal near you...
Star Trek: The Crouton Generation
"The Tip of the Iceberg"
For him, it was just another day at work...
[Image of a man at a computer terminal.]
...till he found himself in uniform.
He: I'm quite all right now, thank you.
For her, it began with an ordinary trip to the library...
[Image of a woman sitting at a table in front of a large leatherbound book.]
...and led her straight into a starship brig.
She: You have *got* to get me out of here!
For them both, it would be a trip to somewhere they never expected to go...
He: What are you doing here?
She: For that matter, where's here?
...with people they never expected to meet...
Kabeta: How did she know that?
Dr. Miscellaneous: That can't be right!
...and that would involve them in one of Starfleet's great mysteries.
She: He used the Secret First Officer's Entrance. Obviously!
WHO ARE THESE MYSTERY CHARACTERS, ANYWAY? Find out on the next exciting
episode of STAR TREK: THE CROUTON GENERATION!
------------------------------------------------------------
From: kbryant@husc.harvard.EDU
Subject: ST:TCG5 "The Tip of the Iceberg"
Date: Thu, 5 May 1994 16:06:38 -0400 (EDT)
[The scene: Cambridge, Massachusetts, Earth. The Harvard-Smithsonian
Center for Astrophysics, May 1994. Katherine Bryant, a 23-year-old
graduate student in the history of science, is standing at the circulation
desk of the Wolbach Library, holding a large book.]
Kath: Well, I think I'm finally done with this, so I guess you don't need to
hold it for me anymore. Thanks so much for keeping it out for me all
semester.
Librarian: You're welcome! I'm glad it was of use.
[Kath smiles and leaves the library. Instead of leaving the building by
straight ahead, past the portraits of former directors of the Harvard
College Observatory. She mumbles to herself.]
Kath: Ahh, Pickering. At least I'm done with *you* for the semester.
[She walks through a door, then turns left and goes up two flights of
stairs. She is aiming for her advisor's office, but stops along the way to
read one of the many cartoons and clippings attached to one of the doors.
As she is standing there, we see one of those classic Star Trek shimmer
effects begin, coming from inside the office, then through the door. Kath
suddenly looks very worried, but has time to say no more than "what--?"
before the shimmer-effect engulfs her and she vanishes.]
[The scene: Boulder, Colorado, Earth. The National Center for Atmospheric
Research, at the same time. Michael Zecca, part-time NCAR employee, is
in his office, typing madly at his computer as usual. The air around him
develops a similar shimmery effect. He feels the hairs on the back of his
neck stand up, looks around, and vanishes.]
[The scene: An empty conference room aboard the _U.S.S. Colossus_, Stardate
104431.5. In two places, the air begins to shimmer, and suddenly the figures
of Katherine and Michael appear. Katherine is standing, facing the windows,
while Michael lands in one of the chairs. After a moment's pause, Katherine
turns around, and expression of fear and bewilderment on her face. When she
sees Michael, she stops dead.]
Kath: Mike????
[Michael looks up sharply.]
Mike: Katherine? What are you doing here?
Kath: What are _you_ doing _here_? [She looks around, suddenly realizing
that she is not where she thought she was.] For that matter, where's
here?
[Michael looks around, then looks again.]
Mike: This looks like a Star Trek conference room set!
Kath: I was afraid you were going to say that. How did you get here?
Mike: I was sitting at work. Then I was sitting here.
Kath: I was standing in the CfA, then the next thing I knew I turned around
and there you were. It was like I fell or something.
[Michael nods.]
Mike: Yes, like the bottom dropped out of the floor.
[Alert sounds boop out everywhere.]
Computer voice: Intruder alert. Intruder alert, Deck 8.
[Mike and Katherine look at each other.]
Kath: Did you hear that?
Mike: This feels even more like a TNG set.
[The door to the conference room bursts open. Lt. Thokk the Dismemberer and
several miscellaneous security people come in. Katherine and Mike jump up
and face them, not exactly 'hands up' but with hands out to the side. The
security grunts point phasers at them. Thokk takes one look at Mike, then
at Katherine, then abruptly back to Mike -- double-take. He gasps.]
Thokk: Admiral?
[Katherine and Mike turn to look at each other, thunderstruck. Kath
mouths the word "Thokk?" at Mike.]
FADE TO BLACK
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
STAR TREK: THE CROUTON GENERATION
"The Tip of the Iceberg"
Written by Katherine Bryant, with Joshua Brandon
Directed by Gates McFadden
Music by Alasdair Fraser
Guest starring:
Gary Feldman as The Feldman
The crew of the _Colossus_:
Melissa Hirshson as Captain Kapteyn
Catherine Connor as Commander Verst, First Officer
Evan Ingersoll as Lt. Cdr. Zioff, Science Officer
Thor Knudsen as Lt. Tk'tik, Security/Tactical
Margaret Speed as Dr. Meddick
And featuring, on temporary assignment from the _Heisenberg_:
Katherine Bryant as Fleet Captain Kabeta
Ethan Gershon as Lt. G. O'Forever
Angela Winner as Lt. Thokk the Dismemberer
And starring:
Katherine Bryant and Michael Zecca as themselves
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
[_Colossus_ conference room. Thokk and the security grunts are still pointing
phasers at the very startled Kath and Mike.]
Thokk: Admiral Avenger? What are you doing here? What happened to you?
[Mike stammers slightly, trying to think of *something* to say.]
Mike: I..uh.. don't quite know, Lieutenant.
Kath: Mike! No! You can't pull it off...
[Thokk looks suspiciously at Kath.]
Thokk [tapping communicator]: Captain, I think you'd better come see this
one for yourself.
Kapteyn (ss): On my way.
[Thokk turns back to Kath.]
Thokk: And who might you be?
Kath (nervous): My name's Katherine Bryant.
Thokk: And what are you doing here?
Kath: I was hoping someone might be able to tell me that.
[Just then, Captain Kapteyn and Lt. Cdr. Zioff enter.]
Kapteyn: Well, Lieutenant? What seems to be the -- [spots Mike] Admiral?!?
Mike: Yes, I think.
Kath (whispering as best she can): No! Mike, please, there's no way you
can pull off an Avenger act.
[Thokk overhears this.]
Thokk: What do you mean, pull off an Avenger act? This is clearly
the Admiral. [Menacingly] What have you done to him?
Kath: Me? I've done nothing! Please, Thokk, let me explain...
Zioff: How did you know his name?
[Kath realizes she has made a dangerous mistake.]
Kapteyn: Mr. Thokk, please escort this woman to the brig. Apparently she
knows more than she cares to admit.
Kath: No, wait! Please...
[Her arms are grabbed by two of the security grunts and she is dragged out
of the room, Thokk following. Kapteyn turns to Mike.]
Kapteyn: Admiral, I must say this is a bit of a surprise. Where have you been?
What has happened?
Mike: Captain... I'm rather surprised myself. I don't know what happened.
Zioff: Where is T'Lilith?
[Mike gets a pained expression.]
Mike: I.. don't know. I don't remember!
Kapteyn: You *are* Avenger?
[Mike nods.]
Mike: Yes.
Kapteyn: Who was that young woman?
[Mike pauses before answering, not sure how much to say.]
Mike: I'm not quite sure. I looked up and there she was.
Kapteyn: I think you should probably go to Sickbay. Doctor Meddick will
check you out and see if she can determine whether there is some
undue influence on you that is disturbing your memory. And whether
that woman is the cause.
Mike: Very well, Captain.
Kapteyn [saluting]: Welcome aboard, Admiral. It's good to have you back with
us.
[Mike salutes back. Fade out as all three leave the room.]
[Scene: A starship brig. Katherine is sitting alone in a cell, leaning her
head on her hand.]
Kath: This is *not* how I intended to spend my day... [Sighs.] And none
of this makes any sense! What was Thokk doing here? Am I dreaming?
[Cut to a corridor not far from Sickbay. Mike, just out of the Sickbay
examination and now in uniform, is walking purposefully along when he
nearly collides with a woman nearly his height walking the other way.]
Mike: Oof! I'm sorry.
Kabeta (for it is she): That's quite all right... Admiral?!!? What are you
doing here? Where have you been? I didn't think I
would see you again!
[Mike is still trying to figure out who this woman is when he spots the four
closed and one open squares at her neck. It clicks.]
Mike: Kabeta! It's ... it's a long story, and I'm not sure I really know
quite what happened yet.
Kabeta (doing a Concerned Man impression): Are you all right? You don't seem,
well, quite yourself.
[Mike smiles.]
Mike: I'm not feeling quite myself, either. Something... very strange has
happened. Once I sort it out, I expect I'll feel better.
Kabeta: I hope so! We've got lots to talk about.
Mike: Like what you're doing here instead of on the _Heisenberg_, for instance?
Kabeta: Oh... that's right, you don't know about that. It's also a long
story. [She sighs and shakes her head.] Someday we'll find it again...
[Mike works very hard not to laugh out loud.]
Mike: What?? No, don't tell me now. Could you maybe direct me to the brig?
[Kabeta raises her eyebrows.]
Kabeta: The brig? Umm, Deck 29, I believe. Will I see you later?
Mike: Certainly. Good to see you again.
[He walks off in the direction of the nearest turbolift. Kabeta watches him
go.]
Kabeta: Whatever happened to him, it's something big. He is just *not*
himself.
[Cut back to the brig. Mike walks in, speaks briefly with the guard, who
points him to Kath's cell.]
Kath: Mike! Am I glad to see you. You've *got* to get me out of here!
Mike: I'm working on it. [He shakes his head, then says quietly:] They
really think I'm Avenger.
Kath: Well, you did sort of jump right into the role.
Mike: I know. They think you may have been messing with my memory.
Kath (incredulous): Me?? What a weird idea.
Mike: Dr. Meddick, their doctor, just went over me with a fine-tooth comb,
so maybe they'll realize that you're not.
[There is a pause.]
Kath: Mike... what are we doing here?
Mike: I don't know.
Kath: It's like we've ended up in the Crouton universe!
Mike: We have.
Kath: How do you know for sure?
Mike: Because I just ran into...
[He is interrupted by a communicator chirp.]
Kapteyn (ic): Kapteyn to Admiral Avenger.
Mike (tapping communicator): Avenger here.
Kapteyn: Dr. Meddick has her report ready, and we're ready to interrogate
that young woman who appeared near you. Have the security guard
bring her, and you bring yourself, to Conference Room 2.
Mike: Very well.
[Kath looks distinctly unhappy at the thought of being interrogated.]
Mike (to guard): You heard the Captain.
Guard: Aye, sir! [He turns off the force field and takes Kath by the arm.]
You come along.
[With a slightly despairing look from Kath at Mike, the three leave.]
[Cut to generic conference room. Present are Capt. Kapteyn, Lt. Cdr.
Zioff, Cdr. Verst, Dr. Meddick, Mike, and Kath (under guard).]
Kapteyn: Very well. Doctor?
Meddick: Well, we don't have the Admiral's medical and genetic records here,
so I'll have to wait for a full report till they get here. But
I checked his brainwave activity, and it appears normal. No
unusual energies, no interference. [She looks over at Kath.] So
far as I can tell, you're clear.
[Kath heaves a sigh of relief.]
Zioff: I concur. There are no unusual energy scans surrounding this woman.
Kath: I should hope not! Sheesh, were you expecting chronotons or something?
I'm not the _Heisenberg_, you know.
Verst: Now wait a minute! You may be clear of damaging the Admiral, but
there are still a number of serious unanswered questions. For one:
How do you know so much about us? You're not in Starfleet, or at least
not under the name you gave us.
[Kath looks down at the table, then back up.]
Kath: To take a quote from your history: "Mr. Worf does not belong in this
universe."
Kapteyn: What does Worf have to do with this?
Kath: Nothing. It's the "doesn't belong in this universe" part. As far as
I can tell, I've somehow gone from my universe -- where, well, your
history is ... already written? It's like stories. [She shakes her
head.] I know I'm not explaining this well, but I don't really
understand it either. I'm in the wrong universe, is all I know for
sure. And I've read about a lot of your history, which explains how
I know a lot of what's gone on. About the _Heisenberg_, and all.
Mike (sotto voce to Verst, keeping up the Avenger act): What about the
_Heisenberg_)?
Verst (sv): Looong story.
Kapteyn: Mr. Zioff, is this possible?
Zioff: I think so. I've checked the ship records for the moment that
the intruder alert sounded. At our coordinates at that time, there
does seem to be some sort of quantum fluctuation that might have
caused a quantum tunneling effect. We engaged the warp drive
right about there, which may have triggered the effect.
Verst: Is the effect reversible?
Zioff: If we return to the spot and engage the warp engines, we should be
able to re-open the tunnel. The probability is that the tunnel would
send you back to where you started. It's not a sure thing, of
course.
Kath: I'd be willing to take that chance to get home.
Kapteyn: Very well. I expect Captain Kabeta [Kath's jaw drops] will be
willing to take a little longer in returning from her diplomatic
mission in order for us to make a detour. [Taps communicator] Mr.
O'Forever? [Mike and Kath exchange covert glances.]
O'F (ic): Yes, Captain?
Kapteyn: Set in a course for the coordinates Mr. Zioff will send you, impulse
power only.
O'F (ic): Aye, sir.
Kapteyn: Very well. Ms. Bryant, I apologize for your confinement in the
brig, but your unexpected entrance in company with the Admiral
was somewhat suspicious.
Kath: I understand.
Kapteyn: You are free to explore the ship during our journey. Admiral, would
you care to give our guest a tour?
Mike: I'd be happy to.
[All stand as the meeting adjourns.]
[Cut to some random spot on the _Colossus_, where Mike and Kath are walking
and talking.]
Kath: But Mike, you *can't* stay! Think of your work, your life.
Mike: I could handle this life much better, I think.
Kath: Yes, but you can't fake Avenger forever. There are things he can
do that you can't! [pause] For that matter, think about Kris.
[Pause.]
Mike: You're right. There's no T'Lilith around in the Crouton universe
right now.
Kath: Right, she's off trying to understand the Borg. Besides, she's married.
Mike: Ugh. I hate continuity problems.
Kath: So, you have to get home too.
Mike: But how? I can't blow the Avenger cover now.
[There is a
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