 |
||||
NOTE: The original draft of this script was written before "Descent II"
ever aired and the original idea for the story preceded the idea for
"Descent". Some may argue that the ending to "Descent II" precludes
events in this episode. Well, tough. I don't think so. Given the
opportunity to do this episode, I think Brent would be forced to agree
with me.
-- The Admiral
----------------------------------------------------------------------
"Captain's Log, Stardate 104279.5," said Captain hj. "Vice Admiral
Data, Captain Chow and Captain Boom-Boom are aboard so that we can discuss
tactics for our upcoming encounters. I've assigned fire drills throughout
the ship during the meeting so that we won't be disturbed. Besides, I can't
let the crew go soft on me now."
* * * * *
"The _James T. Kirk_-class Ready Room has an intriguing design," Data
stated, his face remaining impassive. Captain Chow revealed only disgust.
"I'm glad you cleaned the place up for us," Chow spat sarcastically.
Boom-Boom dodged the bonsai trees, walked past the aquarium with the
blowfish in it and dropped onto the couch for a snooze. He appeared not to
mind the half-filled cartons of discarded Japanese take-out littered around
and over the couch.
"What's with Boom-Boom?" asked hj.
"He's been up all night upgrading the _Comatose_'s computer again,"
Chow explained. "A lot of long nights, but it's up to 20 TeraTerabytes of
RAM now."
"That is significantly more RAM than any starship-based computer system
requires for normal operations," Data realized. "For what purpose does he
require such a large amount of memory?"
"Who knows?!" exclaimed Chow. "He just likes to be able to brag that
he's got more memory on his computer than anyone else in the quadrant."
"Hmm." Data seated himself across from hj's desk and offered a chair
to Chow. "Perhaps we should get started?"
"Right." hj walked straight away from the desk for the little food
slot in the corner. "Anyone for synthsake?"
"Ewwwwyuk!" Chi An squealed and grimaced. Data cocked his head to one
side, then attempted to imitate the _Chivalier_'s captain.
"Well, you don't know what you're missing!" said hj. "Heian, I'd like
a synthsake, usual specifications."
The food slot whirred, hiccuped and spewed a thick brownish-gray liquid
all over hj, coating her face and uniform. As she wiped it from her eyes,
she looked to Data and Chow.
"This isn't what I ordered."
"That much is apparent," said Data. hj put her hands on her hips and
stared at him.
"I think you've been around Missy for too long," accused Chi An.
The lights dimmed. hj flipped her eyes up to glare at them and they
returned to full power.
"Perhaps you should get cleaned up, Captain," suggested Data.
"Sounds like a wonderful idea." She picked up an ancient samurai helmet
and Japanese fighting sword and marched out onto the bridge. Alarmed, Data
and Chow followed her.
"If anybody says ANYTHING," hj shrieked, "I start swinging." She looked
around, daring each of her bridge crew to break a smile, give her a look of
pity or do ANYthing out of the ordinary. They went about their business as
if there were no problem. Confident, she entered the nearest turbolift.
Palmer looked down at his wrist chronometer. "5..4..3..2..1.."
The entire bridge crew broke into laughter at hj's expense. Suddenly,
Palmer's communicator chirped.
"Commander," said hj. "You and I need to have a little chat..."
* * * * *
Boom-Boom attempted to roll over in his sleep and instead hit the floor
of the Ready Room with a resounding thud. Now thoroughly waken, he noticed
the room was empty except for a brownish-grey paste coating the floor and the
wall below the food replicator.
"Now that looks interesting," he said. Reaching inside a jacket pocket
(no one could explain why he wore a landing party jacket when he Croutonized
over), he removed a set of allenwrenches, screwdrivers and other assorted
tools and began to tear apart the replicator.
* * * * *
From within a dark corner of an alien ship, a thin figure drummed his
fingers. Two large awkward beings stumbled forward and kneeled before him.
"You are smart, Your Majesty," said Rellip.
"You will make it go," agreed Namreb.
"Enough, you idiots!" the figure exclaimed. "Is all ready?"
"Ship is hiding, Your Majesty," said Rellip.
"Your special croutonizer works good," said Namreb.
"_Subaru-a-lu_ is close enough."
"Excellent," the leader said. "Then you know what to do."
"Uh-huh." The two Pakleds exchanged confused glances. "What's that?"
"Croutonize over there and kidnap their captain!" Their leader reached
out and slapped the two lightly across their faces. "Do I have to do all
the thinking around here?!?!?"
"You are smart," agreed Rellip.
"You will make--" began Namreb.
"SHUT UP!!" ordered their King. "Go. NOW!"
"Yes, Your Majesty!" The Pakleds stood and rushed to the Croutonizer,
stumbling over one another along the way. Soon, their bodies disintegrated
into their component Croutons and vanished from the ship.
"Idiots!" exclaimed the King. He leaned back in his chair and waited,
drumming his fingers again as he began to whistle. As he reached the first
refrain of "If I Only Had a Brain", starlight began to creep into the cabin
across his features, revealing the unmistakable golden complexion of an
android called Lore...
FADE TO BLACK
------------------------------------------------------------
STAR TREK: THE CROUTON GENERATION
"The Perfect Game"
Part 12: "King of the Pakleds"
Written by The Admiral
Based on a story idea by Brent Spiner
Guest stars
John Ratzenberger as Rellip
George Wendt as Namreb
Chris Farley as Yelruh
Special guest stars
Brent Spiner as Vice Admiral Data
Brent Spiner as Lore
Bill Clinton as Elvis
Introducing
Jason Maron
Directed by John Larroquette
Music by Billy & The Boingers
Saxophone solo by Socks Clinton
------------------------------------------------------------
"There, that should just about do it." Larry "Boom-Boom" Loesch
replaced the front cover of the replicator unit and tightened the last
few screws. "Loesch Home Brew Recipe #37."
A cup of discolored beer whispered into existence on the shelf of the
replicator. A pair of Pakleds whispered into existence behind Boom-Boom as
he picked up the glass and downed the beer.
Namreb punched Rellip in the arm and pointed. "He is smart!"
"Uh huh," agreed Rellip. "He will make it go."
They watched as Larry lifted another cup to his lips. Then another.
For a moment, Namreb looked confused. "He *is* captain, isn't he?"
"Uh huh!" confirmed Rellip. "He is SMART."
Namreb nodded in agreement.
"Hello," said Rellip.
"Hello," said Namreb.
"Oh, hi." Boom-Boom looked into his glass and gasped. "Wow, Heian.
What did you put in this stuff?"
"Come with us," ordered Namreb as he grasped Boom-Boom by the arm.
Rellip grasped the other arm and before Larry could ask where they were
going, they all whispered out of existence.
Almost immediately, the Ready Room doors whooshed open and hj marched
in, followed by Data, Chow and Palmer.
"Resume," ordered hj as she dropped into her chair. Palmer immediately
dropped to the floor and began a series of push-ups.
"141...142...143..."
Chi An looked at Palmer, then hj, and rolled his eyes. Data waited
patiently. hj noticed the replicator looked different.
"Who's been messing with my food slot? Jim?"
"Don't know, Captain. 147...148..."
"Probably Boom-Boom," said Chi An.
"Perhaps you should check its internal RAM memory supply, Captain,"
suggested Data.
"Nahh, never mind." hj returned to her chair. "All right, what did
you want to talk about?"
* * * * *
"You know, guys, for an alcohol-induced fantasy, you're becoming just a
little too real."
"Uh huh," grunted Namreb.
"He is smart," Rellip added.
At the sound of approaching footsteps, the Pakleds cowered, then kneeled
and lowered their heads reverently. The footsteps stopped.
"What IS this???"
"The prisoner," said Namreb proudly.
"Idiot!" Lore slapped Namreb across the top of the head. "Does he look
at all like Patrick McGoohan???"
"No," said Rellip, confused. "It is captain, Lored."
"You idiots!" Lore slapped both of them. "You were supposed to get
the captain of the starship _Subaru_, not this...pitiful human."
"Hey, Data," said Boom-Boom, pulling back the lapel of his trenchcoat
to reveal the four pips on his collar. "Despite other appearances, I *am*
a captain."
"Shut up!" Lore whacked Larry across the top of the head.
"Hey!" He tried to focus his eyes a little more clearly. The alcohol
was certainly not helping. "Data, what's with you?"
Lore ignored him...for the moment.
"You little twerps were supposed to grab _Subaru_'s Capt. half japanese.
She's short...and female!"
"Uh huh," grunted Namreb.
"He is smart," Rellip said to Namreb.
"SHUT UP!" Lore whacked the Pakleds again and rolled his eyes.
* * * * *
"Well, it sounds like we have a plan then," said Chi An.
"It should work, assuming the _Comatose_ plays its role," agreed Data.
"I had hoped that Captain Boom-Boom would have joined us for this session.
Now I will be forced to repeat the instructions to him at a later time."
"His disappearance does seem a bit odd."
"Yeah, well, I don't like it when someone messes with my stuff and then
hides," said hj, looking at her replicator. She tapped her communicator.
"hj to Boom-Boom." No response. "hj to Boom-Boom."
"Heian," queried Data. "Current location of Captain 'Boom-Boom' Loesch?"
"He has departed," said Heian. "Captain Boom-Boom is not on, board the
_Subaru_."
"Curious."
"Lynn's probably off-duty," Chi muttered.
Data looked curiously at Chow, but did not expect an answer. "Still, I
am concerned. Captain half japanese, please begin a shipwide search. We
should also search the _Chivalier_ and _Comatose_."
"Admiral," Chow pointed out. "The _Comatose_ doesn't have a crew any
more. They're all transferred or AWOL."
"I am sure you can find someone to complete the search."
* * * * *
"I'm bored," whined Larry. "Don't you have a Nintendo or anything?"
"Unh unh," grunted Yelruh. "What Nintendo?"
Larry ignored him and paced about the small room.
"What you doing?" Yelruh asked.
"Looking for something to do."
Yelruh smiled proudly. "*We* look for things."
"Really? That's nice." Boom-Boom's sarcasm was lost on the Pakled.
"What kind of things?"
"Things to make us go. Things to make Lored happy."
"Do you find many things to make him happy?" Boom-Boom asked.
Yelruh thought about it a moment, then frowned. "Unh unh."
"So he's not happy very often."
"Unh unh," affirmed Yelruh. "Lored is mean."
"Then why do you look for things for him?"
"'Cause."
"'Cause why?"
"'Cause Lored is mean."
* * * * *
"Did you check *under* the cushions, Admiral?"
"No." Data cocked his head to one side curiously. "Why, do you believe
he could fit there?"
"No, Data," said Chow. "It's a joke. Look, he's not anywhere on ANY
of our ships."
"Then we should be concerned."
"Data, this is Boom-Boom we're talking about. Sooner or later, he'll
turn up. Sort of like his ship..."
* * * * *
"I'm hungry," Larry whined.
"Okay," said Yelruh. He picked up Boom-Boom and carried him across the
room. "Food slot is here."
"Hey!!" Larry exclaimed, running his hands lovingly over the replicator's
control box. "This is a Sirius Cybernetics Corporation LX-2000, state-of-the-
art, knock-your-socks-off 'Mr. Food Slot' Executive Chef Replicator! How did
you get one of these?"
"We found it."
"Uh huh." Larry winked knowingly. "Sure you did, pal." He removed the
cover and begin to tinker with the insides.
"Hey!" Yelruh complained. "Lored will get mad."
"What Lore doesn't know won't hurt him." Larry continued to fiddle.
"Besides, wouldn't you like to be mean to Lore for once?"
"Hunh?"
Larry replaced the cover, pressed a few buttons and another of his strange
alcoholic concoctions appeared in the replicator. He handed it to Yelruh.
"Here, my big stupid friend. Try some of this."
Yelruh looked at it curiously, then downed the whole glass in one gulp.
A wide smile started to spread across his face.
"More?"
Larry punched the buttons again. He handed Yelruh another glass, which
he downed just as quickly. His smile grew wider and he started to waver,
rocking from side to side.
"More?"
* * * * *
"So, Data, can't find your little friend, eh?" Lore was speaking to
the viewscreen image of the various starships while he listened in on their
intership communications. "You should have never reassembled me, you know.
You and that do-gooder LaForge thought you could fix me. Hah! I wasn't
broken!
"It kind of ticks me off though that that brat Crusher beamed me into
space again. Can't he come up with anything original??? It was good
fortune that brought me across yet another Pakled vessel. Now you'll pay...
"See, *dear* *brother*, you shoulda never screwed me over. I was Lord
and Savior to those Borg, and you and that damn Hugh had to--"
"Lored..."
"Not now, you buffoon!" Lore whacked Rellip across the head *hard* and
knocked him clear across the room. Rellip got up slowly and rubbed his aching
forehead. He almost started to cry.
"But...but...but..." he blubbered.
Lore ignored the Pakled and powered up the ship's engines. It began to
close in on the _Subaru_. He flipped some switches and began to feed power
off into another circuit.
"The lindium-238 explosive space modulator," Lore smiled. "When it is
charged to full, I'm going to blast the _Subaru_...and my 'dear brother' into
space dust. The Borg can then destroy the Federation. With Data and the rest
no longer in my way...I can easily take control of the Borg again." Lore
whirled to face Rellip (and the camera), smiling with truly evil intent and
scaring the poor Pakled to death.
"And together, we will rule the Universe! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!"
* * * * *
Yelruh sat against the wall, his face glazed over and set in a huge
silly grin.
"We will have great power!" he bellowed. "And we will smash Lored."
"Yeah, sure, guy." Larry had the face off the replicator again and
was making additional modifications. "I hope this works."
"We will destroy Lored!" shouted Yelruh. "We will have absolute
power over him!"
"Yeah, yeah." Larry finished fiddling with the replicator, then
stood back, shielded his eyes, and flipped a power switch. After a
moment, he lifted his hand away from his eyes and peered at the machine.
"Nothing blew up. That's a good sign." He looked at Yelruh. "Now,
where did you say you keep the phasers?"
* * * * *
"Lored did this?" asked Namreb.
"Yes," blubbered Rellip. "Lored hurt me." Rellip pulled his hand
away from the black and blue marks briefly, while Namreb applied some
antiseptic from their First Aid kit.
"I wish we never found Lored," grunted Namreb. "He is cruel."
"Hey, buddy," Boom-Boom whispered from the darkness.
"Wha? Who that?"
Yelruh stumbled into the open. He saw the swelled bruises on
Rellip's forehead and became enraged. "Lored will pay for this!!!"
"Would you shut up?" Boom-Boom emerged from his hiding place. "He's
going to get us all killed if he keeps yelling like that."
"You let the prisoner escape!" said Namreb.
"He shouldn't be our prisoner!" Yelruh proudly hoisted Boom-Boom
into the air. "He will defeat Lored! He will be our King!"
"He can defeat Lored?" asked Rellip with genuine interest. "How?"
"Look, you kids just leave the hard work to me. Just make sure Lore
doesn't see what I'm up to, 'k?"
"He is smart," said Yelruh proudly.
"He *is* smart," Rellip agreed.
"But is he smarter than Lored?" Namreb worried.
* * * * *
"Captain, I've got something interesting here..."
hj bounded over to the science station and peered over Lt. Maron's
shoulder. "What is it? 'Go' for X windows?"
"Not quite," said Jason. "Take a look over here. There's a spacial
disturbance over near the _Comatose_. It looks like the wake of a cloaking
device."
"Cloaking--?" hj looked about suddenly and her eyes landed on her
first officer.
"Oh no!" he squealed.
"Jim, power up the shields. You'd better warn Chi and Data that
we've got a problem."
"Oh, er, um, yes, Captain!" Jim happily dashed forward to Ops to
have the orders taken care of. He was surprised by the lack of push-ups.
* * * * *
"Get a little closer," Lore hummed. "Now don't be shy..."
"Hey there, friend. Why don't you put your gun away and let's talk
this over."
Lore turned to find himself staring nose-to-nose with a ghostly
presence of some sort.
"Elvis???"
"That's right, Lore."
Lore stood up and leapt forward, landing squarely where the King's
feet should have been.
"Watch it, David Loresh. Don't you step on my blue suede shoes!"
"F*** you. You're just a stupid hologram."
"*I'm* not," said Boom-Boom suddenly from behind Lore, a phaser to
Lore's head.
"What the--?"
"You are bad!" shouted Rellip.
"We no longer serve you!" added Yelruh. "You are not smart! He is!"
He proudly presented Boom-Boom.
"Go suck a lemon," spat Lore as he whirled and knocked the phaser
from Boom-Boom's hand. He grabbed Larry by the collar and hoisted him
several feet in the air.
"Hey, pal," Boom-Boom gasped. "Maybe we can work out some sort of
deal..."
"Enough talk!" He threw Boom-Boom across the room into his Pakled
friends, then leapt back to the controls of his weapon. "It is time."
Lore threw a switch, deactiving the ship's cloaking device, then
lined up the controls and fired.
* * * * *
"Whoa!!!!" As the _Subaru_ lurched to one side, hj was flung over
the security railing, where she did a graceful somersault and landed
perfectly and firmly in her command chair.
"Ouch! This thing's going to need some springs replaced..."
"Sancho, return fire!" shouted Palmer.
"I can't!" said Sancho. "We've lost computer control."
Mysteriously, the lights remained on.
"Missy!" hj shouted into the comm panel. "Missy!"
"She can't hear you, Captain," said Lt. Maron with concern. "The comm
links are down and Heian is not responding to *any* commands."
* * * * *
"Reeaaarrr!!!" Yelruh rushed forward and overpowered Lore, wrestling
the android to the floor. Despite Yelruh's greater size and mass though,
he was no match for an artifical life form with the strength of ten humans.
"He will be killed!" shouted Namreb. "We must stop Lored!" Rellip
and Namreb rushed forward and piled onto Lore as well. While one Pakled
might not have been Lore's equal, three were clearly his match...
"Owwww," muttered Boom-Boom as he picked himself up off the floor,
rubbing his throat. "Remind me never to piss off Data." He picked up his
phaser, finding it shattered into several unusable components. "Well,
there's always good old-fashioned common sense, I suppose?"
While the Pakleds and Lore struggled, Boom-Boom removed his shoes
and began to scuff his feet back and forth on the carpet.
* * * * *
"_Chivalier_ reports that the _Subaru_ has come under attack by
an unknown vessel."
"What?" Chow waved for Data to follow as he headed for the bridge
of the _Comatose_. "Have they returned fire?"
"To no avail. The ship apparently re-engaged its cloaking device.
However, it was last reported to be in close proximity to the _Comatose_."
"Perfect!" Chow and Data reached the bridge. "Would you be willing
to serve as pilot, Admiral?"
"Aye, Captain." Data lowered himself into the _Comatose_'s con
chair and began to warm up her engines. Chow booted up the tactical
station and began a sensor sweep of the area.
* * * * *
Larry began to feel his hair stand on end. "Just a little more."
Then he watched Lore break free of his Pakled captors...
* * * * *
"Larry, this is one time I'm glad your computers have so much memory."
Chow looked up from the display. "Data, they're almost sitting right on top
of us!"
"It would not be wise to fire from this position then."
"Agreed."
Data dropped the _Comatose_ precisely one kilometer down the z axis,
then rotated the ship with maneuvering thrusters through ninety degrees
until the ship's bow was pointing straight up the original z axis.
"You may fire when ready, Captain," said Data.
"Thanks, Admiral. Firing torpedoes now."
* * * * *
Lore smiled at Boom-Boom with evil intent. He began to walk slowly,
menacingly forward, snapping his fingers and whistling a ditty from some
old film called "West Side Story".
Suddenly, the floor came out from under him.
* * * * *
"Torpedoes have impacted," Data reported. "The vessel has taken
damage to its shields..."
* * * * *
The Pakleds took advantage of the momentary confusion to leap on
top of the android again, each beating on him with both fists. Larry
took advantage of the distraction to run across the room and...touch
the controls of the lindium-238 explosive space modulator.
The controls short-circuited and exploded in a shower of sparks.
The cloaking device controls fused. The lights went out.
"Missy!!!!!" screamed Lore.
* * * * *
"Their cloaking device has been deactivated," Data reported.
"Something else is going on over there...all kinds of electrical
problems from the looks of it."
"It is a Pakled trading vessel," said Data. "Yet it is unusually
powerful."
"I've got the phasers on it, just in case," said Chow. He tapped
the comm panel and set up intership communication. "_Chivalier_."
"You did it, Captain!" exclaimed Carter from the other hand.
"I don't really know what I did, Bill. Just keep an eye on that
ship and get ready to land an away team."
* * * * *
"No! You've ruined everything!!!" screamed Lore from beneath the
three Pakleds. They continued to pound on Lore unmercifully, though he
didn't seem to be in much pain.
"Lore, Lore, Lore. That's what you get for trying to lock ME up
in a cell."
"Yeah? And just who the hell are you?"
"Larry 'Boom-Boom' Loesch, Captain of the _Comatose_."
"And King of the Pakleds!" finished Namreb, Rellip and Yelruh.
Boom-Boom heard the unmistakable sound of the Croutonizer and turned
to greet the _Chivalier_ away team. Euge shined his flashlight around the
room, first on Larry, then on Lore and the Pakleds.
"Fun day?" Euge asked.
* * * * *
"Everything's fused, the reactors are off-line...hell, even the
superstructure isn't in great shape any more." The Pakleds obviously
didn't understand her, so Missy repeated herself. "Your ship is broken."
The Pakleds looked sadly at their shocked and fused vessel. Then
they turned to Larry.
"*You* are smart. *You* can make it go."
"Guys, there are some things NOBODY can make go."
"But how will we go?" asked Namreb.
"Where will *you* go?" asked Rellip.
"I have my own ship to command...and I'm due back," said Larry.
"We will come with you!" announced Yelruh. "We will help you look
for things!"
"No, really, guys," said Larry. "It's all right. I mean--"
"We will help you go! We will help you look for things!" The three
Pakleds danced about repeating the phrase over and over again. Larry
clutched his temple and shook his head, wondering how he had gotten
himself into this mess.
"Good luck," Missy whispered as she put the rest of her diagnostic
tools back into their case. "You're going to need it."
Data, Chow and hj approached, though hj seemed preoccupied with her
own problems.
"Missy, did you find anything we could salvage to repair Heian?"
"Nothing, Captain. There's not a Vax anywhere on board..."
From across the room, where the security team had him in energy shackles,
Lore spoke up. "A Vax? Geez, Missy, when are you going to learn how to use
a real computer system????"
"Oh, Lore, will you just GROW UP?!?!?" Data shouted.
Everyone's mouths dropped agape as they turned to stare at Data. He
looked about apologetically, then straightened his collar with a finger
and pulled a Picard Maneuver.
"Please forgive me for that emotional outburst. I am not sure where
it came from."
As the security guards hauled Lore away, he shouted defiantly to Data.
"You shouldn't yell at me, Data. Dad yelled at me once. ONCE."
"Why, I oughta..." Data began to ball up a fist. hj and Missy calmly
led Data away.
"So, what are you gonna do with these Pakleds?" Chi asked when he
and Larry were alone.
"Take them with me, I guess. Everybody's been telling me _Comatose_
needs a crew."
"Yeah, but Pakleds?"
"Why not?" smiled Larry. "I *am* their King!"
FADE TO SHOT OF THE FOUR SHIPS ON A STARRY BACKGROUND, UPON WHICH A GHOSTLY
IMAGE OF ELVIS IS SUPERIMPOSED. HE WINKS AND RAISES A THUMB.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
On a gripping new episode of
STAR TREK: THE CROUTON GENERATION
"The Perfect Game"
Part 13: "Ace in the Hole"
The Borg make their boldest move yet...
Avenger: This is disruptive and sneaky!
...while a quest appears to have reached an end.
Highlander: It's her.
N.D. Officer: Who?
Highlander: The Ultimate Blonde.
Soraya tries to provide useful suggestions...
Soraya: What is going ON??? I don't understand.
But will the cavalry arrive in time?
Crossfire: Admiral Bowman sends his regards.
AN EPISODE THAT WILL SHOCK YOU on STAR TREK: THE CROUTON GENERATION!
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