[Interior, Ridley's lab.  Crossfire, Soraya, Missy, Icefalcon, Jez, and AJ
 are all standing to one side; Ridley is across from them and Bjorn of Borg
 and five Borg soldiers are in the middle.]
Missy:  Uh oh.
Bjorn:  Your traps were irrelevant, Riddler.  We will now begin your
     assimilation.
Riddler:  Er, uhm, I was wondering when you'd get here, oh, um, yes.
[Bjorn stops, almost confused.]
Riddler:  Oh, er, you don't think, uhm, that I didn't know you'd, er, follow
     my trail of crumbs?  I *want* you here, oh, um, yes!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
                STAR TREK: THE CROUTON GENERATION
                        "The Perfect Game"
                  Part 3: "Service with a Smile"

Written by Jon "Crossfire" Reid

Guest starring
     Brian Ridley as the Riddler
     Bjorn Borg as Bjorn of Borg

Directed by Jimmy Connors
Music by Green Jelly"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

[Exterior, _Croutonprize_ in very close orbit behind a moon.  Looking over the
 other side of the moon we can see three cube-shaped Borg ships.]

[Interior, Riddler's lab.  Everybody's staring at the Riddler, even the Borg.]
Bjorn:  Bluffs are irrelevant.
Riddler:  No bluff, erm.  Oh, um, I intend to disable you and your ships, uhm,
     and, er, pick and choose what technology I need.
Crossfire:  The causality focus...
Riddler:  ...Was necessary, oh, um.  Necessary, er, to, oh, uhm, amplify my
     innate ability to do this, oh, um.
[The Riddler activates his controls again and concentrates.  Suddenly a wave
 of light spreads out from him, and when it hits the Borg they topple over
 like ninepins and lay unmoving.]

[Exterior, space.  We see the wave of light spread out through space and strike
 the Borg ship.  Suddenly they grind to a halt and grow dark and silent.]

[Interior, _Croutonprize_ bridge.  Everybody is watching this happen on the
 viewscreen.]
Highlander:  What the f*** was that?
Gretzky:  Permission to scan the Borg ships, sir.
Highlander:  Very well, but make it quick.
Gretzky:  The Borg ships are completely non-functional, sir.  It looks like
     every component of their ships has just...stopped working.

[Interior, Riddler's lab.  Everyone still standing is still staring at
 the Riddler.  Crossfire raises a questioning finger.]
Riddler:  Oh, you have a question, er, uhm?
Crossfire:  Yes.  What did you do?
Missy:  The same thing he did to all our projects in the lab.  He made them
     not work anymore.
Riddler:  Uhm, it took me a long time, er, um, to figure out, oh, um, how to
     to this.  [He nods and his glasses slip down from their precarious perch
     on the top of his head onto his nose.  He regards a readout.]
Soraya [shaking her tricorder]:  Did you have to break my tricorder too?
Riddler [taking off his glasses and absently putting them down on a pile of
     ungraded lab reports]:  Oh, er, no, um.
Crossfire:  Why did you need *us* then?
Riddler:  Oh, um, backup, of course.  Um, in case, er, the borg got, oh, um,
     out of control before I could, oh, um, control them, um.  Besides, oh,
     erm, I thought you might, um, like the opportunity to do some work in my
     lab.  Pro bono, of course, oh, um, yes.
Crossfire:  This reminds me of what the Lucky Borg did with you, Missy.
Riddler [looking at them sharply]:  Oh, you mean, erm, they've been exposed,
     um, to this sort of power before?
Missy [wincing]:  Sorta.
Riddler:  Oh, um, damn, yes.  [He begins looking about frantically.]  Oh, where
     are, erhm, my um, glasses?
[Suddenly the Borg begin to stir, and Bjorn starts to rise.]
Bjorn [a trifle shakily]:  Circuit...disruption...is...futile.  You will...
     become one...with the Borg.  [He aims his prosthesis on his arm and
     launches a tennis ball which knocks the Riddler's glasses to the ground.]
     Service.
[The Riddler operates his controls and four Tectronix 'scopes move to attack
 the Borg, tying them down with coaxial cables.  The Borg easily reprogram the
 'scopes and destroy them.]
Riddler:  Oh, um, shit.
Bjorn:  We will absorb you.
Riddler:  Time to go, oh, um.  [He operates his computer.]
Computer Voice:  Destruct sequence completed and engaged.  You now have 300
     seconds to reach minimum safe distance.
[Behind him, the Riddler's dimensional shift apparatus begins to activate.
 He turns towards it, when a borg materializes between him and it, reaching for
 the hapless professor.  The Riddler activates another control, and suddenly
 the borg is yanked sideways and held pinned against a large electromagnetic
 disc off to the left.  The Riddler takes another step forward, only to be
 barraged by tennis balls from Bjorn.  He trips over his glasses and falls,
 and Bjorn rushes forward, grabbing him.]
Riddler:  Oh, no!  Don't! Erm!
[The two of them fade out, followed by the other five borg, leaving Soraya
 & Co. alone.]
Computer:  272...271...270...
Crossfire:  Uh oh.  I think we're in trouble.  If the borg have Riddler,
     nothing's safe anymore.
Computer:  265...264...263...
Soraya [rushing forward to the control panel]:  Let's see if I can figure
     out how to work this damn thing.
[A beat passes.]
Icefalcon:  So, Zeph...Does this sort of thing happen to you often?
Crossfire:  All the time.
Soraya:  There's some sort of interference in the computer system.  Almost
     like something new is trying to interface it.
Computer:  230...229...228...
Crossfire:  Like the borg?
Soraya:  Surely they can't have assimilated the Riddler already!
Missy [shivering]:  Yes, they can.
Crossfire:  Well, at least we have a few minutes to figure out how to work
     this system before it blows itself to pieces.
Computer:  200...199...198...*bzrrrp*...12...11...
Soraya:  AAAAAAHHHH!
Computer:  10...*bzrrrp*...swiss cheese...ice cream...*bzrrp*

segmentation fault (core dumped).

[All is quiet as the machinery around them shuts down.  The lights begin to
 dim.]
Crossfire:  Great.  Now what?
[The five of them dematerialize in a croutonizer beam.]

[Interior, _Croutonprize_ observation lounge.  Crossfire, Soraya, Missy, Jez,
 and Icefalcon come in, with Gretzky in tow.  Highlander is already there.]
Crossfire:  Timely rescue, captain.  uhm.  Thanks.
Highlander:  We didn't really do anything.  The borg just suddenly up and left.
Crossfire [frowning]:  You mean they're gone?
Highlander:  That *is* what I said.
Gretzky:  I guess they got what they came for.
Soraya:  And left us behind?  I doubt that.
Crossfire:  Not when we know all of the sensitive information of Starfleet.
Highlander:  It does seem strange, but that's what happened.
Soraya:  And why bother shutting off the destruct sequence?  It's almost like
     they let us go!
Missy [very quietly]:  *He* let us go.
[They all turn to look at her, and she looks back at them darkly.]
Missy:  The Riddler let us go.  I remember...[she shudders, and turns away
     from them, towards the windows]...when I was first...taken, I was still
     *me*, I was also *them*.  I felt like I could make them do what I wanted,
     if I wasn't so panicked.
Soraya:  But the Riddler has a natural affinity for machines, so he might
     have been able to do it...
Crossfire:  He stopped the destruct sequence, and sent them away.  [He shakes
     his head.]  Damn.  Just when you think you got them figured out,
     professers go and do something nice.
Highlander:  They might still come back.
Soraya:  They probably will.
Highlander:  Captain to bridge.  Set a course out of here, maximum speed!
[The _Croutonprize_ rumbles to life, and the camera does a close-up profile
 on Missy, who is staring darkly out the window at the stars which are moving
 past the window as the _Croutonprize_ turns and engages its drive.]
Missy:  I'll never let them take me again.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
On the next exciting episode of

                STAR TREK: THE CROUTON GENERATION
                        "The Perfect Game"
                     Part 4: "Breaking Point"

Soraya relives unpleasant memories...
Soraya:  The Borg killed a *lot* of my friends eleven years ago.

While Crossfire deals with unfinished business.
Crossfire:  I didn't run away.

Will they have time to resolve their feelings?
Crossfire:  What the hell is *that* supposed to mean?

Or will current events cause an unpleasant interruption?
Kabeta:  Enough!  Sometimes there's so much conversation going on around
  here I can't hear myself think.

DESTRUCTIVE RELATIONSHIPS on STAR TREK: THE CROUTON GENERATION!