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From zecca Wed Jun 13 00:52:41 1990
Date: Wed, 13 Jun 90 00:52:39 -0600
From: zecca (Bjorn the BORG and Ernest BORGnine)
To: zecca
Subject: Best.Crouton
Status: R
Date: Fri, 8 Jun 90 02:49:10 -0600
From: zecca@tramp (VMS SUCKS)
Subject: Ad for an upcoming ST:TSG
On my next exciting episode of
Star Trek: The Summer Generation:
"The Best of Both Croutons"
(Part 1 of 2)
*** SPECIAL GRE Cliff-Hanger Ending!!!!!!!!!!
Guest stars
Ed Begley, Jr. as Commander Bloocheez
"Weird Al" Yankovic as Lt. Cdr. Trafalgar
Special guest star by Patrick Stewart
Commander Highlander's new rival threatens to take his job and push
him over the edge, while Admiral Avenger is kidnapped in a plan to
destroy the Federation. Will the combined efforts of the _Croutonprize_
and the _Chivalier_ be enough to save the Admiral, or is he going to
miss his GREs and the wedding?
Due out sometime in the next 24 hours or so...
----------------
Date: Sun, 10 Jun 90 14:17:33 -0600
From: zecca@tramp (GRE slave)
Subject: Coming soon...
Coming soon, an extremely long episode of Star Trek: The Summer Generation:
"Let's Have a Cold War"
(Part 2 of "The Best of Both Croutons")
Guest stars
Ed Begley, Jr. as Commander Bloocheez
"Weird Al" Yankovic as Lt. Cdr. Trafalgar
Tony Robinson as Darrell
The secret of the Kelvins is revealed as the Hidden Valley Ranchers join
the crew of the _Croutonprize_ in an effort to save our galaxy! Will
they be able to save the Admiral and stop the Kelvins' evil plans, or will
they embroil the two galaxies in a bloody war?
Keep an eye out for it.
----------------
Date: Fri, 8 Jun 90 11:58:23 -0600
From: zecca@tramp (VMS SUCKS)
Subject: ST:TSG
"Captain's Log, Stardate 100180.2:
We are en route to study a luminous blue variable. Such stars are very
rare -- only a half dozen exist in our own galaxy, so the opportunity to
study another sample can not be passed up.
Additional note: The _Chivalier_ provided us with another crew member
before leaving for its first mission. Apparently, Admiral Picard thinks
highly of this young rising star of the fleet and wants him to get command
training directly under me. Whatever. Lt. Cdr. Trafalgar has been given
the purely honorary rank of "third officer" until further notice."
Many of the normal bridge crew have just gotten off duty and are killing
time in Ten Forward. Lt. Himle and Lt. Chuang share a table with Highlander.
The Admirals are seated in a corner booth. Lt. Cdr. Trafalgar stands idly
at the bar, drinking a cherry coke through a crazy straw.
T'Lilith: I can tell. You are excited.
Avenger: You don't see a luminous blue variable every day, you know.
But I can tell that you're excited as well.
T'Lilith (blushing green): I am glad we finally rescheduled the wedding.
Avenger (taking her hand in his): So am I.
Ensign Kindig approaches Highlander's table with ice cream.
Kindig: Want to try my rocky road?
Trafalgar (interrupting): I loooove rocky road!
Highlander (grumpily): F*** off, "Number Three." Nobody asked you.
Chuang: Commander, don't get so uptight.
Trafalgar: How funny! Wonder boy is standing up for the Flying Scotsman.
Highlander (burning up): That's it!!! (rips out his katana)
Suddenly, the room chills and a thin covering of frost begins to coat both
the windows and the surface of the bar and tables. Highlander's katana
drips with freshly made ice. Then, the lights go out.
Highlander: What the F***?!?!?
Avenger: Get your cold hands off me, you--
The lights return and the temperature returns to normal. The frost begins
to slowly melt into a dew. T'Lilith howls a Klingon curse.
Midzor: I had nothing to do with this. I swear.
Chuang: Where is Admiral Avenger?
* * * * *
"The Best of Both Croutons"
(Part 1 of 2)
Guest stars
Ed Begley, Jr. as Commander Bloocheez
"Weird Al" Yankovic as Lt. Cdr. Trafalgar
Tony Robinson as Darrell
Special guest star
Patrick Stewart as Admiral Jean-Luc Picard
* * * * *
"Captain's Log, Stardate 100180.3:
It has been four hours since the mysterious disappearance of Admiral
Avenger from Ten Forward. I am concerned. We only have one lead, but it is
very thin.
Admiral T'Lilith is not taking this well. First, she destroyed most
of the breakable objects in Ten Forward. It took Highlander, Gretzky, and
two full security teams to hold her down long enough to trank her. She's
now strapped to a bed in Sick Bay where Counselor Neon and Vanessa "Bruce"
are trying to calm her."
Crouton: Continue long range scans. ANY signs of ANY vessels?
Ghiasi: None readily apparent.
Crouton: Then check the not-so readily apparent!
Trafalgar: If I may, Captain...
Crouton: You have an idea, Mr. Trafalgar?
Trafalgar: Judging by the sudden temperature drop in the room, this might
be some sort of a Kelvin plot.
Highlander: No F***ing sh**!
Trafalgar sticks his tongue out at Highlander, who reaches for his katana.
Crouton: Easy, Number One. If you can't keep that sword of yours where it
belongs, we're going to have to remove it from the bridge.
Chuang: Incoming message pod at Jolt-Factor..12! Coded for Admiral Avenger's,
Captain Crouton's, and Captain Chow's eyes only.
Crouton: Damn. (pause) Bring it aboard and have the message entered into
my personal computer. Gretzky, hail the _Chivalier_.
Himle: Sir, we are receiving a long-distance transmission from the _C Hag_.
Crouton: What in the hell is going on?
* * * * *
Avenger is huddled in a corner of a cold, dark, icy room. He shivers and
his uniform is covered with frost.
Avenger: It is FREEZING in here! (calling to no one in particular) Somebody
turn the heat up, will you? It's cold in here.
Avenger sees a figure move slightly in the darkness about 12 feet in front
of him. The figure appears to have been asleep and is just now waking up.
Avenger: Who's there? What do you want?
Commander Bloocheez slowly picks himself up and walks slowly and cautiously
toward Avenger.
Bloocheez: Amordull Avenger? Was that your voice I heard?
Avenger: _Admiral_ Avenger, Bloocheez. Why did you bring me here?
Bloocheez (now visible, sits down near Avenger): I didn't bring you here.
(shivers) Too cold for my taste. No, I was going to ask you the same
thing, but now--
Avenger: But by now we both realize we are both pawns in someone else's game.
I wonder if they realize how big a catch they have.
* * * * *
Darrell: So you see, Captain, we ARE in the same position.
Crouton: If what you say is true, what can we expect to happen?
Darrell: We figure some sort of a ransom deal.
Crouton: No, the Kelvins are much too smart and much too DIFFERENT to be
worried about simple political bargaining chips.
Trafalgar: They're probably planning on using Commander Bloocheez and
Admiral Avenger against both the Federation and the Hidden Valley Ranch
somehow.
Darrell: Agreed, _Croutonprize_. That is why I contacted you, against
the better judgment of most of my crew.
Crouton: Thank you for doing so, Vice Commander Darrell. Would you be
willing to rendevous at some neutral point with our ships in, say, 2 hours?
Darrell: No tricks?
Crouton: No tricks.
Darrell: We shall say. Meet us at 45;6,7,32:15,4;2,9 in 62.7 minutes.
Await another hail. _C Hag_ out.
Himle: The _Chivalier_ is arriving, Captain.
Crouton: Very good. Have Captain Chow croutonized aboard and sent to my
quarters.
* * * * *
In Captain Crouton's quarters, the two captains sit, listening to a recorded
message from an aging Admiral Jean-Luc Picard, interim-Commander Starfleet.
Picard: "...You see the graveness of the situation. Fifteen planets along
our borders have already been turned into worlds of ice. The Hidden Valley
Ranch reports twelve of their worlds have seen the same fate, and they
blame us for it. They believe we have found some miraculous secret weapon
in the LMC..."
Crouton: Damn. I wish this had arrived sooner.
Picard: "...We believe that both your vessels are urgently needed in THIS
galaxy to find out what is happening and who is causing it. We also need
Admiral Avenger back for his insight and Commodore Bradford for his tactical
prowess. Therefore, by order of the Starfleet Commander, you are ordered
to return to the Federation at best speed..."
Chow: He must be kidding. We can't leave the HVR with control of this
galaxy and we can't leave Mike behind.
Picard: "...Picard, J-L. Stardate 100177.3."
Chow: So what do we do?
Crouton: Our orders are to return home IMMEDIATELY.
Chow: We CAN NOT do that.
Crouton: What do you suggest?
Chow: It's sounding like a Kelvin problem all right. Why don't we take
ourselves to the SOURCE of the trouble?
Crouton: What if we fail?
Chow: What if it's the only way to keep from failing?
* * * * *
Avenger and Bloocheez now sit huddled on the floor near one another. A
side door opens and five Kelvins enter.
Avenger: W-we're...g-g-going t-to g-get fr-frostbite if you d-don't turn
up the t-temperature in here.
Bloocheez: W-why have you t-taken us?
Kelvin Commander: Be silent, lower life forms. We are in route to our
home, where you will serve the Kelvin Empire in our conquest of YOUR
galaxy.
Avenger: J-just how d-do you think w-we are g-going to help y-you?
Kelvin Cdr: You will help. There is no question of that.
Bloocheez: W-what about k-keeping us alive? W-we need warmer t-temperatures
than th-this to survive.
Kelvin 2: It is already unbearably hot in here.
Kelvin 1: We can not afford any MORE energy for your comfort.
Avenger: D-damn.
* * * * *
"Captain's Log, Stardate 100181.1:
The Hidden Valley Ranch ships _C Hag_, _C Weed_, _C Dee_ have joined
the _Croutonprize_ and the _Chivalier_ in the search for our lost commanders.
I have tried to share Admiral Picard's concerns about the Hidden Valley Ranch
Empire with the Ranchers, but they do not apparently wish to believe anything
until they hear it from THEIR superiors."
Ghiasi: Jez, try boosting the high-gain frequency one more time.
Jez: Mrowp. Prrp. Meow! (I'm picking up a signal -- typical Kelvin
engine emissions!)
Ghiasi: We've got them, Captain!
Crouton: Speed and heading?
Chuang: Jolt-Factor 5.5.
Himle: Heading toward...a very large dusty nebula in an area we haven't
explored yet.
Trafalgar: Mr. Gretzky, alert the other vessels.
Highlander: F*** that order, Mr. Gretzky. Alert the _Chivalier_. Await
Captain Crouton's orders before alerting the Ranchers.
Crouton: Alert all of them, Mr. Gretzky. Number One, Mr. Trafalgar, you
will meet me in my Ready Room in five minutes.
Gaz: Mr. Himle, plot an intercept course, Jolt-Factor 7.5.
Midzor (intercom): Don't push the engines for more than that. I can't
guarantee you battle-readiness otherwise.
Himle: Course plotted.
Gretzky: _Chivalier_ and the Ranchers have also plotted similar courses
and will follow our lead.
Crouton: Mr. Chuang, engage, if you please.
* * * * *
In Sickbay, Admiral T'Lilith appears to have calmed, but is still strapped
down to a bed. All of the breakables have been removed from the area.
Counselor Neon and Vanessa "Bruce" puzzle over the situation from a corner.
Neon: As long as there are no further interruptions, she should be all right.
Vanessa: You have her Klingon side calmed down, but we haven't seen evidence
of her Vulcan side yet...
T'Lilith suddenly sits bolt upright, ripping out the restraints, screaming
at the top of her lungs. Tears begin to stream down her face.
* * * * *
To be continued.....
----------------
Date: Sun, 10 Jun 90 14:45:08 -0600
From: zecca@tramp (GRE slave)
Subject: ST:TSG (VERY LONG)
"First Officer's Log, Stardate 100181.7:
We are still in pursuit of the Kelvin ship that kidnapped Admiral Avenger.
The starship _Chivalier_ and three Hidden Valley Ranch ships have joined us,
since Commander Bloocheez was also a kidnap victim. According to a report
from Admiral Picard, the Federation and the Hidden Valley Ranch are on the
brink of war over incidents started by advance Kelvin ships which have
invaded our galaxy.
Personal Note: I'm going to turn those F***ing Kelvins into crushed ice."
Ghiasi: They have again increased speed, now at Jolt-Factor 8.7.
Crouton: Damn. They definitely know we're after them. (taps panel) Missy?
Midzor: Look, the last speed increase destroyed my HP 41CV. Any more and
the engines are going to melt on me.
Highlander: Missy, the fate of our F***ing galaxy is at stake!!!
Midzor: I can give you warp 9.1, but that's it. Don't ask for any more.
Crouton: We'll take anything we can get.
Lt. Chuang gets up and quietly slips off the bridge. Lt. JG Turner quickly
takes his place. Jez runs for the turbolift and makes it through just before
the doors close on Chuang.
Zen: At that speed, the Kelvins will still reach the nebula before the
_Croutonprize_ is in phaser range.
Wankoid: What do they want IN the nebula, anyway?
Trafalgar: Well, let's see...this nebula is very dusty and dark. Perhaps
it is a particularly cold region of space?
Highlander: The F***ing Kelvins love cold! Their home planet is probably
in there!
Gaz: Or home planets???
Crouton: I don't think I want to know.
* * * * *
"Let's Have a Cold War"
(Part 2 of 2)
Guest stars
Ed Begley, Jr. as Commander Bloocheez
"Weird Al" Yankovic as Lt. Cdr. Trafalgar
Tony Robinson as Darrell
* * * * *
Kelvin 2: What is wrong with it?
Avenger: HE is suffering from hypothermia! You bastards need to turn the
heat up! And it feels like you've only been turning it DOWN!
Kelvin 1: It was necessary.
Avenger: Why was it necessary?
Kelvin 1: Your own vessels are in pursui--
Kelvin 2 slaps Kelvin 1 with twenty of its tentacles.
Kelvin 2: Pyromaniac! You are not supposed to give out that kind of
information to the prisoners. Go to the punishment room!
Kelvin 1: Woogles! Woogles! Woogles! (rushes from room)
Avenger: What in the hell does "Woogles" mean?
Kelvin 2: It is an expression which signifies great fear of being melted.
The rest of the Kelvins leave the room, letting in a gust of really cold air.
Bloocheez (whispering): Ad-d-d-miral?
Avenger: Keep calm. I'll try to keep you as warm as I can.
Bloocheez: I d-d-do not requir-r-re s-such help. B-b-but...
Avenger: Slow down. Your breathing is confused. Don't push it.
Bloocheez: They d-d-did not remove my-y p-personal c-c-communic...
Avenger: Where is it?
Bloocheez: H-h-hidden in my h-hat.
Avenger picks up Bloocheez's hat and searches it, until he finds a tiny
buglike communications device.
Avenger: How do I operate it?
* * * * *
Gretzky: Incoming message from the _C Hag_, Captain.
Crouton: On screen, if you please.
Captain Crouton picks up his root beer and takes a sip as Darrell appears.
Darrell: Captain, we have just received a short message from Admiral Avenger.
Crouton: What nature? How are they?
Darrell: Commander Bloocheez is suffering from hypothermia and your Admiral
believes he is soon to follow. His orders were to destroy the Kelvin vessel
and not attempt a rescue.
Crouton: I am not sure I can believe this. Can you play a copy of the
transmission for us?
Darrell: I am sorry, Captain, but the high speeds at which you are pushing
our vessels are playing havoc with our systems. Apparently, the message
was not properly recorded.
Crouton: All right. Crouton out.
Highlander: I don't F***ing believe him.
Trafalgar: Commander, the Ranchers have thus far proven fairly trustworthy.
Highlander (hand on katana): I'm going to KILL you, Trafalgar! You are so
F***ing stupid!!! We can all see right through the Ranchers!
Crouton: That is enough. I can not have any more arguing between the two
of you. I want you both off my bridge now. Gaz, take over.
Highlander and Trafalgar begin to move toward the turbolift. Both eye each
other suspiciously.
Crouton: Use different turbolifts, if you please.
In the heat of the situation, Captain Crouton accidentally tips over the
root beer glass, which forms a nice puddle on the floor below the captain's
chair. Lt. Cdr. Gaz snaps his fingers
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