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STAR TREK: THE SUMMER GENERATION
EPISODES #13 - 22
Date: Fri, 25 May 90 12:59:51 MDT
From: reid_jh%cubldr@spot.ucar.EDU (Crossfire)
Subject: ST:TSG "Requiem for Paramount"
Next time, on an All-New episode of Star Trek: The Summer Generation--
"Requiem for Paramount"
[Exterior, space. The Croutonprize sails gracefully through the field of view
on impulse drive. In the background to the left we can see a distant greenish
blue gas giant planet.]
Crouton: Captain's Log, Stardate 9005.25. We are continuing our exploration
of the star system that Zen has whimsically named "Leonardo." None of the
planets in the system seem to be capable of supporting life as we know it,
but we are continuing with standard mapping procedures.
[Interior, Croutonprize bridge. Everybody is at their usual stations; Captain
Crouton is walking around, watching the activity.]
Crouton's Voice: Our mission continues to be successful, despite the recent
problems between the Kelvins and Jez. My crew continues to work at peak
efficiency, and yet. . .I can tell they are becoming bored. I can only
hope that they do not let their boredom interfere with their work.
Soraya: Captain, I'm picking up a large metallic mass.
Crouton [moving up next to her console]: Location?
Soraya: It seems to be in orbit around the planet up ahead, in the LaGrange
point between the planet and its first moon.
Crouton: On screen.
[Screen blinks, shows the planet and moons in question. The planet is another
gas giant, rather like Jupiter. The moons are all visible as small white dots
around it.]
Crouton: Magnify.
Soraya: Magnification 10^200.
[Screen blinks, and shows a derelect spacecraft floating silently.]
Crouton: That looks like. . .
Soraya: It is. Scans show that it is an old Constitution Class Starship. No
power or life form readings.
Crouton: Can we read its markings?
Highlander: This is #$@%ing weird.
Soraya: It reads NCC 1571. The USS Paramount.
Crouton: Zen, give me a synopsis of the USS Paramount's history.
Zen: USS Paramount, NCC 1571: Built in Mars orbit, Stardate 2323.21.
Launched 2423.40.
[A pause after Zen says no more.]
Crouton: Is that all?
Zen: Further information is listed as Restriction Class 1.
Crouton: Restriction Class. . .but that's ridiculous.
Highlander: Stupid, you mean.
Crouton [to comm mike]: Admiral Avenger, would you please come to the bridge?
Avenger's Voice: On my way.
Crouton: Helm, move us in for a closer view.
[Exterior, space. The Croutonprize moves forward over camera view.]
[Interior, Croutonprize bridge. The turbolift opens and Avenger walks out,
trips, and falls to the floor. He bounces back up.]
Avenger: It's all right! I'm okay. What's going on?
[The entire bridge crew winces. After a second:]
Crouton: The last time an Admiral said that we were attacked by. . .
[The Croutonprize is rocked by an attack. The lights flicker briefly.]
Crouton [resigned]: Red alert. Lt. Gretzky, what's attacking us now?
Gretzky: It's the Paramount, sir!
[The viewscreen now shows a fully-restored Paramount swooping in for another
attack. She fires two photon torpedos. The Croutonprize rocks again.]
Gretzky: Shields holding. Their old style weapons don't have a hope of
penetrating our improved deflectors.
Crouton [picking himself up and gazing remorsefully at his tipped-over
rootbeer]: Quite so. Open hailing frequencies. This is Captain Chris
Crouton of the USS Croutonprize. Please explain the meaning of this
attack.
[After a brief pause, the viewscreen lights up with a picture of the captain of
the Paramount. He is human, very, very old and wrinkled beyond belief.]
Soraya [sotto voche]: All I want to do is iron him.
Captain: Kill you all! Get out of my star system! Go! Go! Go! Mine! Mine!
Mine! [He notices Avenger.] Keep the beard, Avenger! It looks nautical!
[The viewscreen fades back to an exterior view.]
Highlander: Who the $@#* was that?
Avenger [sadly]: That was Gene Roddenberry.
Will the crew of the Croutonprize learn the secret of the Paramount before
they have to blow it to bits? Will Roddenberry try to sue Avenger for
copyright infringement? Will Avenger be able to keep the Summer Generation
going, even with Paramount trying to destroy his dreams? Find out on the next
exciting episode of Star Trek: The In Media Res Generation
#==============Zen===Ship's=Computer=USS=Croutonprize=NCC=1741C===============#
---------------
Date: Fri, 25 May 90 14:15:38 -0600
From: zecca@tramp (The Admiral)
Subject: ST:TSG
Next time, on an all-new episode of
Star Trek: THe Summer Generation
"The Six Million Dollar Crouton"
Special guest star
Bjorn Borg
* * * * *
"First Officer's Log, Stardate 10094.7:
A F***ing Borg ship has shown up and kidnapped Captain Crouton before
we were able to take action. We're currently in pursuit of the Borg ship,
but it's apparently obtained Jolt-Warp technology itself. We have sent
a Jolt-Warp drone to the Federation to warn them that the F***ing Borg
have found their way to the LMC."
Highlander: Missy, can we get any more speed out of this F***ing thing?
Midzor: You're already pushing Jolt-Warp 9.5! What to you want to do?
Pulverize the ship? I don't know how long we're going to last at this
speed?
Highlander: Fine! But we're only gaining on them very slowly at
this speed.
Gretzky: Distance to Borg ship, 400,000 km.
Highlander: F***!!! Still not close enough for phasers OR Crouton
Torpedoes. Gretzky, make sure you lock on IMMEDIATELY when we are
in weapon's range, but don't fire until I give the order.
Turbolift doors open. Admiral Avenger walks out, trips, falls to his
left, and rolls down the bridge to land right in front of the viewscreen.
Avenger: Status report.
Wankoid: You're lying face down below the viewscreen, probably very bruised.
Avenger: SHIP'S STATUS REPORT. Ouch. Ow.
Ghiasi: Still not close enough to get a decent scan of the vessel...
Gretzky: ...and still well outside weapon's range.
Avenger: Missy, give us a quick burst of Max. Warp when I give the order.
Highlander, get me an away team.
Jez: Mrow! MRowP! Hiss! Mrow! Meowp! (General Order 15 -- No flag
officer shall beam into a hazardous area without suitable armed escort!)
Avenger: Well, then Gretzky had better provide me with a Security team.
In Transporter Room 3, Avenger, T'Lilith, Dr. Flieder, Jez, Soraya,
Kabeta, and a full security team mill around as Taubman prepares the
transporter. Avenger, Jez, and the security team outfit themselves with
phaser armor and phaser rifles.
Kabeta: This is very unwise.
T'Lilith: This is a job for a Klingon! Let me go in your place!
Do not let this "macho" stuff get to you!
Avenger: boH'wI, I have to do this. He's my friend. Besides, I have
more experience with the Borg than anyone else on board this ship.
T'Lilith: You never told me this.
Avenger: As a Lieutenant, back on the USS Sagan, my away team came face
to face with a dozen Borg. Our solution was, shall we say, unique.
Kabeta: Go on.
Avenger: That's a story best left for later.
Avenger, Jez, and the team step up to the transporter pads.
Avenger: Missy, Warp 9.9 -- NOW!
Flieder: I still think this is a big mistake!
The ship lurches suddenly, Taubman throws over the controls, and the
team disappears.
Highlander (intercom): Ghiasi to the bridge! Mr. Himle, full stop!
Kabeta: Full stop?!?
Taubman flips on the Transporter Room viewscreen. Apparently, the Borg
ship has stopped dead in space.
* * * * *
Meanwhile, back on the Borg ship, the team appears in a narrow corridor.
Lining the corridor are stations, each with a Borg plugged in. However,
most of these Borg seem to be not only unplugged, but gutted.
Avenger: Come on! (runs down the corridor, rifle at the ready)
They rush down some more narrow corridors, with wiring ripped out everywhere.
The lights in the complex begin to dim. Suddenly, they reach what appears
to be the heart of the Borg ship, where its "captain" is wired in. Standing
above "him" is another Borg, who is threatening the "captain" with a small
buzzsaw attached to his left wrist.
Borg: Put me back together!
Avenger: That voice sounds familiar.
Bjorn: You have destroyed my vessel. We will now destroy you and your
friends. Self-destruct sequence is engaged, T-minus 30 seconds.
Suddenly the 2nd Borg whirls around and rips out more circuitry, and the
self-destruct sequence deactivates. However, the team is stunned to
see the remains of the face of this 2nd Borg.
Jez: Roww? Mroww? (Chris? Captain Crouton?)
Will Captain Crouton be permanently left with the taste of motor oil on
his salads? Will Dr. Flieder be able to restore him to his old, frail
human self? Or will his new programming prove disaster for the crew of
the Croutonprize as the away team fights to survive?
---------------
Date: Mon, 28 May 90 01:30:50 -0600
From: zecca@tramp (none of your damn business)
Subject: ST:TSG "Elf Man"
Next time, on an boingo episode of
Star Trek: The Summer Generation:
"Elf Man"
Guest stars
The Vienna Boys Choir
Special guest star
Michael Keaton as the Cult Priest
Soundtrack by Danny Elfman
* * * * *
"Captain's Log, Stardate 100099.9:
We are currently in orbit around a Class M planet whose native population
appears to be wrapped up in a cult worship of the dead, despite being at the
technological level of Earth in the 1990's. Their music speaks only of
mortality and the after-life, and they all pay homage to a being they refer
to as the "Elf-Man." Cdr. Highlander has taken down an away team to get a
closer look at this unique civilization, but I fear danger may be just around
the corner."
Crouton: Zen, locate Admiral Avenger.
Zen: Admiral Avenger is in his quarters.
Crouton: Damn, and probably asleep too. But I think this would interest him.
Turbolift doors open. Admiral T'Lilith steps onto the bridge. Gretzky sees
her, begins to open his mouth, notices her glaring eyes, then shuts up.
She then strolls quietly down to the command station.
T'Lilith: What have you discovered, Captain?
Crouton: There is a very interesting 20th Century civilization on this
planet. Despite their technological advances, they still practice cult
worship.
T'Lilith: Interesting. Away team?
Crouton: On the surface now. I thought Admiral Avenger would be interested
in some of the findings, but I fear he is asleep. I think he would get a
kick out of the "Elf-Man."
T'Lilith (eyes narrow): Did you say ELFMAN? ghuy'cha!
T'Lilith runs from the bridge.
* * * * *
Highlander: Now, just try to fit in. This is fairly similar to our own
history, except for the cult worship. Even that is pretty similar to
some of the music from our day.
Jez: Mrow. Mrowp. (Black cats like me should fit in just fine here.)
Ghiasi: Nothing too interesting on sensor scans. It appears to be a normal
late-20th Century industrial civilization. Although...their pollution
content does appear to be a little lower, and they have not yet developed
an ozone hole.
Zenador: I would be interested to see one of their prayer sessions to the
Elf-Man. It could be most interesting.
The away team rounds a corner and is suddenly faced by a pack of teen-aged
security forces. Our crew turns to run, but finds another security pack
behind them.
Highlander: F***!!! (draws out his katana)
* * * * *
Avenger and T'Lilith run onto the bridge. Avenger trips and flies over the
security console and lands head-first in Highlander's chair.
Avenger: Why in the hell didn't you wake me up sooner?!?
Crouton: Well, I didn't want to disturb you, and...
Avenger: Your away team is in terrible danger! Get them back up here now!
Crouton: Taubman, do you still have a fix on the away team?
Taubman (intercom): Ye--No, wait a minute! I just lost their signals!
T'Lilith: ghuy'cha! Duj tIvoqtaH!
Avenger: Exactly my sentiments, boH'wI.
* * * * *
Soraya awakens, finding herself bound to a pole. Looking to either side,
she sees the rest of the away team bound similarly. All around them mill
thousands of cult-worshippers, singing. Behind her is the imposing 80-foot
statue of the Elf-man, bearing a strange, morbid grin and flaming orange hair.
Crowd: It's a dead man's party. Who could ask for more?
Highlander: F***! F***!! F***!!!!!
Crowd: Everybody's coming. Leave your body at the door.
Ghiasi: Where's Jez?
Crowd: Leave your body and soul at the door.
* * * * *
Dr. Flieder: I'm not sure this will work, Admiral.
Avenger: It's going to have to.
T'Lilith: It is a very good likeness.
Avenger: But I still can't smile like Sandra.
Avenger gets up from the chair in Sickbay with flaming red hair. He
is now dressed in black and it is obvious some other temporary plastic
surgery has been done to give him the features of the Elf-Man.
Avenger: Somehow, this planet has developed a cult around a musical
group from 20th Century Earth. How they got a hold of their music
is beyond me.
T'Lilith: There is no logical explanation.
Crouton: Are sure it's safe for you to go down there?
Avenger: As long as you keep up the special effects, everything
should be all right. I'd still feel safer if we could disguise someone
in the crew as "Vatos" or Avila, but this will have to do.
Frechette (intercom): Captain, we're being hailed by the away team.
Incredulous looks abound in the sick bay.
Crouton: Pipe it through.
Jez: Mrow! Mrowp! Meow! Meeeow! Mrowp! Hiss! (The away team is
about to be sacrificed as part of the cult worship! I was let free
because they revere black cats...)
Avenger: I'd better get down there.
Jez: Meow! Prrp! Hiss! (...but if they catch me...) MRO---
Flieder: Jez....
Will Admiral Avenger be able to successfully impersonate the Elf-Man?
Will he be able to save the away team in time, or will they become
Crispy Crunchy Croutons? Or will Avenger be able to speak their language
and inspire peaceful trade agreements as the Crouton fight to survive?
---------------
Date: Mon, 28 May 90 02:06:07 -0600
From: zecca@tramp (none of your damn business)
Subject: ST:TSG
On the next exciting episode of
Star Trek: The Crouton Generation:
"The Most Cows"
Special guest star
Bossie the Cow
* * * * *
"Captain's Log, Stardate 100103.3:
Lt. Gretzky has taken out a science team in the shuttlecraft _Ladle_
to explore the geologic features of some of the smaller moons of the gas
giant we are currently examining. Missy is doing some minor maintenance
to the engines, so we have to remain at a greater distance from the planet,
hence the need for use of the shuttlecraft. We are awaiting their report."
View from interior shuttlecraft:
Gretzky: Captain, we are currently moving into a polar orbit around
Zweeback. Nothing strange so far.
Ghiasi: Jez is running a general sensor sweep right now.
Ens. Savan: Computer surface mapping is functional and in progress.
Jez: MroW! MroW! Meow! (Something very strange -- a life form on a
lifeless moon!)
Back to the Croutonprize:
Crouton: What the hell?
Frechette: Sounds very strange, Captain. I'll have to think about it
for a while.
Ghiasi (subspace): Captain, this is really strange. We have an image
now if you would care to see it.
Crouton: Commander Wankoid, if you please.
Wankoid: Image is downloading now.
Zen: Download complete. Do you care to view the image?
Crouton: If you please.
______(____) Location: 42.35 N, 111.54 W
/ ( OO ) Size: approx. 6 feet high,
/ /\ / 7 feet long
-=-=-=-=- \/ Description: Most closely matches
-=-=-=-=- / Terran cattle
-=-=-=-=-/| Other information: Shares some
||~ ||~~ qualities of a Crouton
~~ ~~
Crouton: Intriguing. Commodore Bradford to the bridge.
Chuang: What is it, Captain?
Crouton: It looks like the legendary Crouton cow.
Gretzky (subspace): Captain, we have now identified over 20,000 of these
cows on Zweeback. Long-range sensors have also detected the presence
of more cows on Zweltnor and Zeigelfon.
Commodore Bradford enters the bridge.
Bradford: Moo, Captain.
Crouton: You just said a mouthful, Commodore. Mr. Wankoid, would you
bring back up the image?
Bradford: Great cattle prods! Is that the Crouton cow?
Crouton: Over 20,000 have been identified on three of the moons already.
Bradford: This is quite a find.
Chuang: But what does it all mean?
Will the Croutons discover the meaning of these Crouton cows? Will they
find out why they are here and how they survive in a vacuum? Or is this
just a silly excuse for an episode?
---------------
Date: Mon, 28 May 90 03:02:02 -0600
From: zecca@tramp (none of your damn business)
Subject: ST:TSG "Bloo Moon"
Next time, on an all-bloo episode of
Star Trek: The Crouton Generation:
"Bloo Moon"
Guest stars
Ed Begley, Jr. as Commander Bloocheez
Special guest star
Chi An Chow as Captain "Roy" Chow
* * * * *
"Admiral's Log, Stardate 100114.5:
The _USS Sandberg_ is scheduled to rendevous with us in an hour.
Apparently, Admiral Picard has decided it is time to expand the scope of
our exploration, so he has sent the _Sandberg_ as the second ship for
our mission. I look forward to seeing Captain Chow again. It's been
quite a while."
Himle: So, Neal, what's up?
Neal: I _still_ have a million circuit lab write-ups to do.
Gretzky: Incoming message from the _Sandberg_.
Highlander: Well, answer the f***ing thing!
Gretzky: Aye, Commander. Hailing frequencies open.
Image of Captain Chow lounging in his bridge chair fills the viewscreen.
Highlander: Steve, you old space dog! Whatcha up to?
Chow: I looooooove these new engines! I wish I'd had these on the Cavalier.
Turbolift opens. Captain Crouton and both Admirals step out.
Avenger: What ever happened to the old Chivalier, anyway?
Chow: Mike, how are you?
T'Lilith: _We_ are fine.
Gretzky: The _Sandberg_ is now entering sensor range.
Avenger: So, Chi, you gettin' soft in that cushy job of yours?
Chow: Yeah, right. I wish we had some of your holodecks on board, though.
Avenger: I thought we had those installed three years ago.
Chow: Yes, well, our chief engineer seems to have a problem keeping them
running. They seem to shut down whenever they're started up.
Avenger: Oh, man. Well, you know the Croutonprize is going to be holding
a party for the two crews as soon as you're ready. Why don't you join
me on Holodeck 2 for a good game at Wrigley. I'll let you hit just ahead
of Dawson.
< RED ALERT > < RED ALERT > < RED ALERT >
Crouton: Zen, what's the Red Alert about?
Zen: Enemy ship entering sensor range at great speed.
Crouton: Gretzky, get me a reading!
Gretzky: Puck in the mouth! It's the _C Hag_!
The crew is shocked to see the _C Hag_ warp into the quadrant at Jolt-
Factor 9.6 and unleash an arsenal at the approaching _Sandberg_ before
turning toward the _Croutonprize_.
Crouton: Shields up! Keep a channel to the _Sandberg_ open. Get me
their status report.
Avenger: Commodore Bradford to the bridge. We're going to need some
of your expertise.
Highlander: Gretzky, give me all the firepower you can give me. I
want to shove some Crouton torpedoes down Bloocheez's f***ing throat.
Gretzky: Captain, the _C Hag_ is hailing us.
Crouton: On screen.
Bloocheez: That was a warning, Captain Crouton. I have no desire to
pulverize your miserable little ships at the moment. But the Hidden
Valley Ranch has laid claim to this galaxy and you are trespassing!
Crouton: Commander Bloocheez, you know perfectly well that Hidden
Valley Ranchers lay claim to ANYTHING that isn't theirs yet! You
have as much right to explore this galaxy as we do, but we would
prefer that your actions were peaceful.
Bloocheez: You have the strategic sense of a glazed turnip, Captain.
Avenger: You wouldn't know strategy if it bit you on the nose.
Bloocheez: You have been warned, pathetic Fed "explorers." The conquest
of this galaxy will take place and you will not stand in our way.
Gretzky: The _C Hag_ has closed frequency and is warping out of sight.
Avenger: Damn! How did they get hold of Jolt-Warp?
Crouton: More importantly, what is the status of the _Sandberg_?
Captain Chow's image reappears on screen. His captain's chair is smoking,
he has black burn marks on his face, and his uniform is shredded slightly,
but he appears to be okay otherwise.
Chow: Who was that and why did they rip my ship apart?
Avenger: That's Commander Bloocheez and the _C Hag_.
Chow: I've heard about him, but I didn't realize he was this good.
Crouton: You were simply caught by surprise, Captain. It could happen
to all of us. Bloocheez just has this thing for wanting to gloat to me
before he fires on me, so you were fair game.
Chow: So what do we do now?
Avenger: We proceed with the celebrations, but we also commence repairs
and keep an eye out for that bastard from now on.
Himle (to Chuang): You owe me five bucks.
Chuang: I should've never bet against Bloocheez with you.
---------------
Date: Tue, 29 May 90 01:51:01 -0600
From: zecca@tramp (admiral@starfleet.command)
Subject: ST:TSG
"The Little Meter Maid"
Guest stars
Majel Barrett
Special guest star
Mr. Whipple as the General Secretary
* * * * *
"Captain's Log, Stardate 100117.9:
We have detected signs of a technologically advanced civilization on
the fourth planet orbiting a yellow sun in the system we have just entered.
We are moving in to investigate."
Crouton: Continue long range scanning. Keep an eye out for hostile actions.
Gretzky: We are being hailed from the planet, Captain.
Crouton: So they HAVE detected us. On screen, if you please.
The viewscreen shifts to an aging man who looks like a grocery store clerk.
The flags and splendor of his office seem to lead to other conclusions.
General Secretary: Greetings, alien vessel. I am General Secretary
Sharmyne of the Unified Government of Dresnel. Please identify yourselves
and state your intentions.
Crouton: This is Captain Christopher Crouton of the Starship Croutonprize.
We represent the United Federation of Planets, an interplanetary
organization in a nearby spiral galaxy. We have come a long way to make
peaceful contact with worlds like yours in this galaxy.
Gen. Sec.: Welcome, Captain. We are always pleased to meet new peoples
here on Dresnel. Would you care to open diplomatic relation with us?
Crouton: That we would, General Secretary. Should I send a team down,
or would you care to send up a team of your own?
Gen. Sec.: Our world is open to you, Captain. Feel free to send not
only a delegation to us, but please accept full shore leave privileges
for your crew as well. I am sure they are very tired after their long
voyage. You may feel free to run a full security check first, though
I assure you your people will be quite safe with us. You should be able
to find our capitol by tracing this transmission.
Crouton: Thank you, General Secretary. Mr. Gretzky, will you take care
of the security check? (intercom) Commander Kabeta, assemble a diplomatic
team and report to Shuttle Bay 2.
Gen. Sec.: When shall we expect your delegation, Captain?
Crouton: Within the hour?
Gen. Sec.: Marvelous. Sharmyne out.
* * * * *
In Shuttle Bay 2, Shuttlecraft 06, the _Pepto Bismol_, is being readied.
Commander Kabeta, Lt. Cdr. Zenador, Counselor Neon, Vanessa "Bruce" Baker,
and Lt. Frechette await Captain Crouton's orders.
Captain Crouton and Lt. Gretzky stroll into the Shuttle Bay.
Crouton: All set, Commander?
Kabeta: Yes. Seem to be a friendly bunch, don't they?
Crouton: Yes. However, Lt. Gretzky will be accompanying you to run a
full security check before we begin shore leave. I'd also like to send
Lt. Cdr. Gaz --
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