STAR TREK: THE SUMMER GENERATION
EPISODES #23 - 27

Date: Thu, 31 May 90 17:24:01 MDT
From: reid_jh%cubldr@spot.ucar.EDU (Crossfire)
Subject: ST:TSG  "The Rootbeer Snare"

Next time, on a really, really good episode of Star Trek:  The Summer
Generation--

"The Rootbeer Snare"

Captain Crouton, desperate to replentish his supply of rootbeer, falls victim
to a new plot by the Hidden Valley Ranch Empire:

[Exterior, space.  The Croutonprize moves rapidly past the view on impulse
 power.  Tense music in the background.]

[Interior, Croutonprize, Captain Crouton's quarters.  Crouton is lying in bed,
 apparently asleep but tossing and turning.  Empty rootbeer bottles lay
 scattered around the room.]
Crouton [moaning in his sleep]:  No. . . NO!  Give me back. . . my rootbeer.
[Crouton suddenly sits straight up, wide awake but a little disoriented
 looking.  He bolts up from his bed.]

[Interior, Croutonprize bridge.  Crouton walks in through a turbolift.]
Highlander:  Captain!  You're not on duty, are you?
Crouton:  No, of course not.  I just couldn't sleep.  Let's continue with our
     mission, shall we?  Lt. Chuang, set coordinates 602.3 mark 10.23 speed
     Jolt-Factor 4.
[Chuang turns, puzzled, then does as he is told.]
Highlander:  Sir?  Where are we going?
Crouton [dreamily, not really aware what he's doing]:  We're going to find the
     USS Ciabola, which has the legendary Fountain of Rootbeer. . .
[Highlander stares at the captain.]

[Exterior, Croutonprize.  She leaps off on Jolt Drive.]

[Interior, Croutonprize bridge.]
Highlander:  Sir, maybe you should go see Dr. Flieder, or go back to sleep. . .
Crouton [turning suddenly to Highlander.  His voice is clear, but his face is
 still hazy]:  Nonsense.  I'm fit as a fiddle, Vicky.  Chuang, maintain course
     and speed.
Highlander:  Belay that order, Lieutenant.  Bring us back to impulse power.
Crouton [distraught]:  No!  Zen, this is a class A shell directive--no
     countermand.  Continue on present course and speed.
Zen:  Confirmed.
Highlander:  Lieutenant, bring us back to impulse power.
Chuang:  I'm trying sir, but my controls aren't responding.
Highlander:  Bridge to Engineering.  Commence emergency shutdown of engines.
Midzor [voice-over from com panel]:  Aye sir.  Commencing shutdown.  [A pause.]
     Computers aren't responding, sir.  Manual override is overridden.
     Nothing's working!
Crouton [dreamily sitting in his chair]:  You'll never stop me now.

[Exterior, Croutonprize.  She moves past on Jolt Drive, to show time has past.]

[Interior, Croutonprize bridge.  Dr. Flieder, Counselor Neon, and Admirals
 Avenger and T'Lilith have joined the fun.]
Chuang:  Now approaching coordinates. . .
Zen:  Reducing to 1/4 impulse power.  Please state further instructions.
Crouton:  Screen on.
[The viewscreen shows empty space.]
Crouton:  It's not there. . . it's not. . .  [He falls forward, landing in a
  crumpled heap at Highlander's feet.  Highlander picks him up and places him
  back in his chair.]
Highlander:  Wake up, dammit!  [He shakes Crouton, who promptly wakes up.]
Crouton [looking blearily around him]:  Oh. Good morning, Commander.  Did you
     want to join me for breakfast?  [He notices where he is.]  What am I doing
     on the bridge?
Flieder:  You mean you don't remember coming here and setting the course for
     the ship?
Crouton:  Course?  What?
          
Crouton:  Oh, what is it now?
Gretzky:  Sir, I'm picking up an energy surge off the starboard bow.  It looks
     like a ship decloaking. . .
Highlander:  On screen!
[The viewscreen switches and shows space.  Suddenly a distortion appears in the
 upper righthand corner, moving to the center.  It quickly resolves itself into
 a Hidden Valley Ranch cruiser.]
Gretzky [confused]:  It's a Ki-torit-kah class cruiser, sir. . .I didn't know
     they had cloaking capabilities. . .
Crouton:  None of us did.  [Avenger coughs quietly.]  Can you identify it?
Gretzky:  Its the _C-Dragon_.  They are arming their forward weapons.
Crouton:  Shields at maximum.  Arm weapons, and lock on target.  Chuang, stand
    by to get us out of here. . .
[The viewscreen flickers, and shows the visage of the commander of the 
 _C-Dragon_.]
Commander:  This is Commander Taco Salsa of the _C-Dragon_.  We demand to know
     exactly what you are doing here.
Crouton:  We were. . .ah. . .exploring.  Would you care to join us?
Salsa:  I know what you were here for--the USS Ciabola.  [He looks very slyly
 at Crouton.]  Right, Captain?
Crouton [Suddenly very dreamy again]:  Oh, yes.  Please.  Lt. Gretzky, please
     lower our shields and disarm our weapons.
Gretzky:  Sir?!?
Crouton:  Zen, this is *mmmphohphpp* [Highlander slaps his hand over Crouton's
 face, muffling his command to the computer.]
Highlander:  Chuang, get us out of here!
Chuang:  Aye, sir!

[Exterior, Croutonprize and C-Dragon.  The Croutonprize starts to turn, and the
 C-Dragon moves to intercept.  Suddely, the Croutonprize makes a radical feint,
 and moves off in another direction on Jolt Drive.  The C-Dragon sits alone.]
Salsa [echoing voice through space]:  Shit.

[Exterior, Croutonprize, on impulse power.]
Crouton's Voice:  Captain's Log, Stardate. . .ah. . .what's the date today,
    Commander?

#==============Zen===Ship's=Computer=USS=Croutonprize=NCC=1741C===============#

---------------
Date: Thu, 31 May 90 17:31:07 -0600
From: zecca@tramp (Kirby Puckett)
Subject: ST:TSG "The Henson Strain"

	"The Henson Strain"

			* * * * *
"Captain's Log, Stardate 100142.2:
     Our latest discovery is a trinary neutron star system embedded in a
stellar nebula.  We are attempting to determine the effect of such a chaotic
gravitational region on formation of star systems nearby.
     Meanwhile, five members of the crew, including Admiral Avenger, have
come down with a strange ailment that causes sore throat, digestive trouble,
and sporadic brain catatonia.  Dr. Flieder is trying to establish what is
causing their ailment and has quarantined them in sick bay until further
notice.  It is my hope that she finds a cure soon."

Crouton:  Commander Ghiasi, comment.
Ghiasi:  Three body problems are never easy to deal with, Captain.  Due
  to the high density and high gravity of these neutron stars, navigation
  will be that much trickier.  Zen and the Con position will have their
  work cut out for them.
Jez:  Mrowp.  Purr.  Growl.  Mrow.  Meow.  Purr.  Prowp.  (Unusual fluctuations
  in the gravitation field of the outmost neutron star are causing sporadic
  changes in local density of the nebula.)
Wankoid:  Zen appears to be working in perfect order... (mumbles under his
  breath) ...for once.
Chuang (in his brand-new red uniform):  Captain, I'd suggest we stay at least
  5 AU from the stars.  Inside that region, chaotic turbulence is significantly
  worse.
Crouton:  Understood and agreed.  Keep at it.  I'll be in the Sick Bay.
  Number One, the bridge is yours.
			* * * * *
Dr. Flieder puts down the plastiskin sprayer and picks up a sonic subepi-
dermal grafter.  She holds it near Mordred's cheek for a few seconds, then
shuts it off and puts it away.

Flieder:  I don't know how you get into these scrapes -- pardon the pun --
  but it's all fixed up.
Mordred:  Thank you, Doctor.  Jez was NOT supposed to be behind the bar
  counter.  I wish he'd WARN me before he falls asleep right in my main
  walkway.  The glass expenses on this ship are almost as bad as the light
  replacement expenses.

Sick bay doors open and Captain Crouton strolls in, clutching his right
temple.  Mordred gets up to leave.

Mordred:  Thanks again, Doctor.  Captain...

Mordred leaves the sick bay.  Door closes, leaving Dr. Flieder and Captain
Crouton alone in the main ward.

Crouton:  Have anything for a headache, Doctor?
Flieder:  When was the last time you had your eyes checked, Captain?
Crouton:  Oh, not you TOO.  ...  How are they?
Flieder:  Not very good.  The Admiral is running a high fever now, but I
  was able to take a throat culture before his last bout of catatonia.
Crouton:  Anything?
Flieder:  I really can't tell yet.  It is VERY strange.  I looked at some
  of the samples myself and I STILL can't see much of anything wrong.  I've
  sent it down to one of the immunology labs to see what they can figure out.
  I'm afraid that Admiral T'Lilith will become too involved with the case
  and end up getting in the way of progress, though.
Crouton:  I'll see what I can do, Connie, but she DOES outrank me and I
  don't really want to tangle with her.  She does have legitimate reason
  to be emotionally involved in the case.
Flieder:  I just don't know any more, Chris.  I've only had one idea, but
  it's too preposterous.
Crouton:  What?  What?
Flieder:  No wild guessing.  I'll wait until I get a report from immunology.
Crouton:  All right.  But inform me immediately.
Flieder:  Oh, and Captain.  About the headache?  Why don't you go lie down
  in your quarters for a while -- with your eyes SHUT.  No reading -- no
  computers -- no rewriting BIOS.  Just rest your eyes.
Crouton:  I'll consider it.
			* * * * *
< RED ALERT >  < RED ALERT >  < RED ALERT >

Captain Crouton reaches over absent-mindedly and half-asleep to flip on the
lights and grab his glasses.  He instead flips on the lights, then sends his
rootbeer glass across the room, where it smashes into the light as they both
shatter.

Crouton:  Damn.

On the bridge, people are rushing around frantically trying to get the ship
under control.  Captain Crouton enters, tired and cranky.

Crouton:  What the hell is going on?
Highlander:  We're losing control of the ship and heading straight toward
  the neutron stars.
Crouton:  Aw, hell.  (presses button on his armrest)  Missy.  Missy. (pause)
  Lt. Commander Midzor, please respond.
Savan:  Captain, Cdr. Midzor passed out at the controls and the rest of us
  are doing out best to pick up the pieces down here.  Could you send a
  medical team down here quick?
Highlander:  Sick bay, we need a medical team in the Engineering room.
  Chief Engineer seems to have come down with the mystery virus.
Crouton:  Mr. Chuang, do your best to keep us from harm.
Chuang:  I'm doing all I can.  Wankoid, can you get Zen back on-line?
Wankoid:  No, but I can do my impression of a duck.  (faints, making a loud
  "THUD" when he hits the deck)
Crouton:  I don't need this today.
Gretzky:  Captain, three objects moving in from the other side of the neutron
  stars.  Low-energy emissions....I think they're Kelvin, sir.
Crouton:  ARG!!!!!!!!!!
			* * * * *
"Chief Medical Officer's Log, Stardate 100142.6:
     Still no word from Immunology and seventeen more cases have cropped up
within the hour, including Chief Engineer Midzor and Chief Computing Officer
Wankoid.  Without their guidance, the ship is experiencing a number of
mechanical failures and is in danger of being caught in a death trap.
     It is my opinion that this virus is somehow related to the strep throat
ailment that we defeated 300 years ago.  It also may bear some similarities
to the so-called "Naked Time virus" experienced in the last 150 years by
both the first and fifth starship named _Enterprise_.  I am concerned for
the safety of my patients and am growing impatient with my lab team."

Jen-L (intercom):  Dr. Flieder, this is Ensign Jen-L here.  We have that
  immunology report you wanted.
Flieder:  Give me just the important details?  Is it strep?
Jen-L (ic):  Not exactly, but it bears certain resemblances.
Flieder:  What are the differences?
Jen-L (ic):  Hard to explain, Doctor.  They're just...different somehow.
Flieder:  Have you cross-checked the "Henson strain".
Jen-L (ic):  I'm unfamiliar with the "Henson strain," Doctor.
T'Lilith (ic):  Wait...yes, it does appear to be similar, though not exactly,
  like the "Henson strain."
Flieder:  You've heard of the "Henson strain," Admiral?
T'Lilith (ic):  That was earlier in my career, Doctor, but yes.  It was one of
  the most deadly childhood disease on Kling until about 60 years ago.  Named
  after a famous Earth puppeteer who died of the disease, if I'm not mistaken.
Flieder:  Muppeteer, actually.  What kind of differences do you see between
  this disease and the Henson strain?
T'Lilith (ic):  The water molecules seem to be forming longer and more complex
  chains...that looks familiar...
Flieder:  Ahh...shades of the "Naked Time virus."  Caused by unusually high
  and/or changing gravitational phenomena, from what we can tell.  I may
  be able to synthesize a cure now, based on that information.
			* * * * *
Highlander:  Why the F*** are they just sitting there?
Crouton:  Do any of us really understand the Kelvins, Number One?
Zenador (from Science Station 3):  Well...
Chuang:  Cripes...

The Croutonprize comes to a halt as well.

Crouton:  Mr. Chuang, explain please.
Chuang:  I just realized why the Kelvins are stopped.
Himle:  Why is that?
Chuang:  They're resting on a stable point in the gravitational potential
  before the next major acoustic surge from the third star.
Highlander:  Then maybe they're as F***ed as we are...
Crouton:  Damn, I wish we could get Zen back on-line.  It would be nice
  to have full engine power again, too.

Suddenly, the turbolift doors open and Zortyl Wankoid bounces out.

Wankoid:  Zen, please reboot and assist with navigation.
Zen:  Alllllllllllllllllll...systems functioning.  Navigational assistance
  programs on-line.
Midzor (intercom):  Captain, you'll have full main engine power in about
  two minutes.  See if you can hold off the Kelvins until then.
Crouton:  This is a pleasant surprise.

Turbolift doors open and Dr. Flieder, Admiral T'Lilith, and Admiral Avenger
enter the bridge.

Crouton:  Dr. Flieder, however do you do it?
Flieder:  With Admiral T'Lilith's assistance, we were able to identify the
  disease as an unusual variant of the "Henson strain" of strep throat, a
  once fatal disease that we rarely ever hear about any more.
Avenger (looking at viewscreen):  Chris, why in the hell are you sitting
  here on a stable point of the potential when there are Kelvins 100,000 km
  off your bow?
Chuang:  Like the Kelvins, we are awaiting the next major acoustic surge
  before proceeding.
Avenger:  And then they're going to pop right over here and pulverize us!
Crouton:  Well, what do you suggest?
Avenger:  Take her straight between the first and second neutron star --
  at the point where their gravitational attraction EXACTLY cancels out.
  Do it at about Jolt-4.3 and we should be propelled well out of here
  before the Kelvins even know what's going on.
Chuang:  That's crazy!
Avenger:  No, that's one of my pet projects from the _Sagan_.  I'll download
  my program into Zen's navigational banks.
Crouton:  Are you sure this is safe?
Avenger:  Would you rather wait for the Kelvins to decide that for you?
Zen:  Instructions downloaded.  Course plotted and ready.  Standing by.
Midzor (intercom):  Full power restored.
Crouton:  What the hell.  Mr. Chuang, if you please.

The _Croutonprize_ warps between the two neutron stars and whisks away from
the system.  The Kelvins move from their stable point much too late in order
to pursue the _Croutonprize_, and then the acoustic shock wave hits.  Two of
the vessels collide and explode, the other is sent off in a random direction,
spinning end over end.

Himle:  Do it again!  Do it again!

----------
Date: Sun, 3 Jun 90 03:14:40 -0600
From: zecca@tramp (Kirby Puckett)
Subject: ST:TSG

The next exciting episode of Star Trek: The Summer Generation:

	"Where Has All the Junk Mail Gone?"

"Admiral's Log, Stardate 100151.2:
     I have awoken from a long night's sleep to discover the ship apparently
empty.  T'Lilith was still dozing at last check, but otherwise we are alone.
Even Zen is being unresponsive, although he does appear to be running the
ship all on his own.
     Will I be able to discover what has happened to the crew, or will
T'Lilith and I be trapped here in Cyberspace for the rest of our lives?"

----------------
Date: Sun, 3 Jun 90 16:08:31 -0600
From: zecca@tramp (Win Twins)
Subject: ST:TSG

The next unexciting episode of Star Trek: The Summer Generation:

	"Phi Phi Pho Phum"

"Captain's Log, Stardate 100156.7:
     We have entered an unusual planetary system 15 light-years from the
rim of the LMC.  The fourth and fifth planets' orbits seem to be enveloped
by some sort of a nebulosity never encountered before in our travels.
Astrophysics speculates it might be some sort of a plasma torus around the
central star similar to the torus caused by Io's orbit and volcanism around
Jupiter.  Because of the nature of the nebulosity, the ship must remain
well outside it, so we are sending in shuttlecraft for away team duties."

Captain Crouton enters Shuttle Bay 3 to greet the awaiting away teams.

Crouton:  Commander Kabeta, your report, if you please?
Kabeta:  My team will be taking the _Crash_ to the fourth planet, which
  appears to be Class M from the few long-range scans we've been able to
  get in.  Since there is a possibility of life on such a world, I am taking
  an appropriate away team for first-contact.
Crouton:  Members?
Kabeta:  Lt. Cdr. Zenador, Lt. Frechette, Lt. JG Turner, Ens. Jen-L, and
  Security Ensign Davis.  Zenador will bringing along Daaaaaave for extra
  analysis, as needed.
Crouton:  Very good.  Commander D'Arc Tangent, your report, if you please?
Tangent:  We'll be taking the _Gravy_ to the fifth planet, which is believed
  to be a small gas giant.  We'll be taking along more astrophysical and
  engineering specialists for appropriate analysis.
Crouton:  Members?
Tangent:  Lt. Cdr. Midzor, Lt. Cdr. Ghiasi, Lt. Jez, Ens. Savan, and Lt.
  Chuang will make his first attempt as a shuttle pilot.  Also, if you
  approve, Commodore Bradford has requested to join our team.
Crouton:  It's fine with me.  Well, you seem to have your plans together.
  Launch as soon as possible.
			* * * * *
Captain Crouton strolls into Ten Forward.

Crouton:  Mordred, a large root beer, if you please.
Mordred:  One root beer, coming right up.
Avenger:  Captain, you will need a chair.
Crouton:  Yes, I shall require a chair.  Any suggestions?
Avenger:  Join me at a game of 3-dimensional chess?
Crouton:  All right.
Gaz (intercom):  Shuttle _Crash_ has launched for the fourth planet.  _Gravy_
  is in final stages of pre-launch.
Crouton:  Very good.  Keep me informed.  Crouton out.

Crouton picks up his root beer and follows Avenger to a table with a good
view of the nebulosity.  A 3-d chess board is set up and ready to go.

Avenger:  Your move, mon capitan.
Crouton:  I hate this game.
			* * * * *
Kabeta:  Mr. Turner, the continent in the Southern Hemisphere looks more
  promising.  Why don't you take us down there?
M. Turner:  All right.
Daaaaaave:  Large population in Southern Hemisphere.  Lush vegetation.
  Cool temperate, large forests...
Zenador:  Thank you, Daaaaaave.  Sounds like a good place to explore.
			* * * * *
The shuttle _Crash_ lands in a small clearing in a very dense forest.
The crew disembark and begin sensor scans.

Zenador:  Some form of settlement due east, approximately 500 meters.
Kabeta:  Let's check it out.
Frechette:  There is something strange about these trees.  Let me think
  about it for a while.
Jen-L:  The leaves look unusually large and the trees look unusually young
  for such large trees.  Very strange.
Davis:  I have a bad feeling about this.

The walk on a few hundred meters until they reach another clearing.  Before
them stands a HUGE house.  A creature vaguely resembling a twelve foot tall
(at the shoulder) horse stands calmly nearby, grazing.

Zenador:  Commander, there are three more life forms inside the house.
Kabeta:  Hmmm...
			* * * * *
Tangent:  Commence scanning.  Looks like it will be an interesting planet
  for Astrophysics to study.
Ghiasi:  Moons in polar orbits are very rare.  For ALL the moons and rings
  of a planet to be in polar orbits is extraordinary.
Jez:  Mrow.  Mrow.  Mrowr.  Purr.  (Magnetic field of planets appears to
  be exhibit primarily octopole effects.)
Midzor:  Incredible!  How in the hell did it do that?
Bradford:  Very interesting planet.  Look at the colors and circulation
  patterns in the atmosphere.
Chuang:  Incoming message from the _Croutonprize_.
			* * * * *
"Captain's Log, Stardate 100156.9:
     It has been three hours since our last contact with Commander Kabeta's
away team.  The _Gravy_ has since returned with 40 terabytes of scientific
data on the fifth planet and has been sent out again in a search for the
_Crash_.  My growing concern is countered only by my growing aggravation
of having stalemated at this bloody game five times already."

Avenger:  Rook to Queen's Level 1.
Crouton:  Stalemated again?  This is ridiculous!  I'm going back to the
  bridge.
Avenger:  Fine, have it your way.

Captain Crouton walks out of Ten Forward, leaving his empty root beer glass
on the bar.  Avenger walks over to the bar.

Mordred:  Something troubling him?
Avenger:  Why do you ask?
Mordred:  That's his fifth glass of root beer today.

Some commotion can be heard in the corner of Ten Forward.  There, we see
Commander Highlander performing strange tricks with fruit and his katana.
This is followed by some more applause.  Then he picks up his beer and
finishes it off in one swig.

Avenger:  I'm glad we don't serve real alcohol here.
Mordred:  So am I.  Could you imagine what he'd be like if we DID serve
  alcohol?

We then see Highlander leave walk out of Ten Forward with a blonde female
ensign on each arm.

Mordred:  Figures.
			* * * * *
Giant:  You pixies have caused nothing but trouble on my property!  I have
  had it up to here with you!  The exterminators should be here in five
  minutes.  Then I can get rid of all of you once and for all.
Kabeta:  But we are not "pixies."  You have us confused with someone else.
  I am Commander Kabeta from the United Starship Croutonprize.  We're on a--
Giant:  No more stories.  You are always so devious, but I am not listening
  to it this time.

Suddenly, Ensign Davis manages to slip out the hole he had made in the bars
of the cage.  He begins to run across the floor and toward the door and safety
when a seven foot tall pit bull leaps toward him and rips his head off in one
quick swipe.  Commander Kabeta turns her head in fear and disgust.  The pit
bull then rips out Davis' heart and chews on it like a piece of gum.

Frechette:  Trying to get ahead in life?
Kabeta:  Oh, please!
Zenador:  That was a heartless thing to do.
Kabeta:  ARRRGGHHH!!!
Jen-L:  So this is it, we're going to die.
Turner:  I wish you'd stop saying that.
			* * * * *
Will the away team be exterminated like rats?  Will the _Gravy_ find them
in time?  And what IS all that rootbeer doing to Captain Crouton?

----------------
Date: Wed, 6 Jun 90 00:55:20 -0600
From: zecca@tramp (naM notuorC ehT)
Subject: ST:TSG

	"The Good, the Bad, and the Crouton"

Guest stars
	Tim Larkin
	Ed Begley, Jr. as Commander Bloocheez

			* * * * *

"First Officer's Log, Stardate 100171.4:
     We haven't seen a F***ing thing in four days!!!  No new stars, no new
planets, no Hidden Valley F***ing Ranchers -- NOTHING!!!  I'm getting really
aggravated and I'm beginning to feel the quickening.  People had better stay
out of my way -- I need to use my katana bad.
     Meanwhile, Captain Crouton has been spending many more hours than usual
in Ten Forward of late.  Dr. Flieder has been locked away in one of her labs
for quite a few days.  Admiral Avenger's office has been very quiet.  Some-
thing strange is going on around here."

			* * * * *
Crouton:  Mordred, another root beer.

Mordred begins to fill another root beer mug.  Lt. Cdr. Gaz appears at the
bar  and orders a caffeine free pan galactic gargle blaster.

Mordred (whispering to the Gaz):  I don't like this.
The Gaz:  You're worried about the Captain?
Mordred:  This just isn't like him.  He's up to a dozen root beers a day now.
  I'd go to Dr. Flieder with this if anybody could find her.
The Gaz:  Counselor Neon might be of some help.
Mordred:  Captain refuses to talk anything but business with him.
The Gaz:  Hmmm...

We scan over to a private corner, where Captain Chow, Commander D'Arc Tangent,
and Lt. Gretzky sit around a private table.

Chow (sipping at his drink):  So then, he says, "I wonder if they come in
  pairs?"

Tangent and Gretzky laugh out loud, then notice Captain Crouton staring in
their general direction.

Gretzky:  Captain's been edgy lately, hasn't he?
Tangent:  What he needs is a good--

Chuang (intercom):  Bridge to Captain Crouton and Captain Chow.  Incoming
  message on closed frequency.
Crouton:  We'll take it in my office.  Pipe it down, if you please.

Crouton motions his hand toward Captain Chow, who follows him out of Ten
Forward.
			* * * * *
Crouton:  Crouton, Christopher L., Captain.  SC3310-3797CCC.
Chow:  Chow, Chi An Steven, Captain.  SC1968-0708CSC.
Zen:  Prepare for cat scan.

The cat scanner does a complete check of each Captain's brain and matches it
against the already recorded cat scans in Star Fleet Records.

Zen:  Security access approved.
Crouton:  Open channel.

The small viewscreen on the captain's console lights up with the image of
a tall, thin officer with Commander's rank sitting in the captain's chair
of what looks the bridge of the _Croutonprize_.

Chow:  Holy s--  Tim?
Larkin:  I'm baaaaaaaaack!
Chow:  What's going on?  What ship are you on?
Crouton:  Excuse me a moment.  I'm afraid I'm not acquainted--
Larkin:  Excuuuse me.  I'm Commander Tim Larkin, first officer of the newly
 commissioned _Salad_-class starship...
Crouton:  Yes, go on.
Larkin (beaming):  ..._Chivalier_.
Chow:  What?!?!?!?
Larkin:  Yup!  Another _Croutonprize_, only this one is commanded by Chi.
Chow:  I've got a new command?!?!?  And you're my first officer???
Larkin:  Yup!
Chow:  This has been a good day!!!
			* * * * *
Turbolift doors open.  Captain Chow and Captain Crouton enter the bridge.
Admiral Avenger and Lt. Gretzky from turbolift 2.

Himle:  The _Chivalier_ is within sensor range and has an ETA of 3 minutes.
Avenger:  The _Chivalier_?  What's going on?
Chow:  My new command is here...and Tim Larkin is my new Number One.
Avenger (rushing to shake Chi's hand):  Congratulations!  It'll be nice
  seeing Tim again.
Crouton:  I still don't understand.
Chow:  I knew before we left the Milky Way that the second _Salad_-class was
  about to be commissioned.  Apparently Tim had already been assigned as
  First Officer and they were all ready to join us here in the LMC.
Avenger:  And I had submitted your name as one of my choices for captain...
Chow:  And Star Fleet received news of the _Sandberg_'s loss at the same
  time that they received news of the death of Captain Sobek, who was their
  choice for captain.
Avenger:  So they awarded you the command AND renamed the ship in your honor!

< RED ALERT> < RED ALERT > < RED ALERT >

Gretzky:  Damn!  It's the _C Hag_ and she's closing on us fast.
Crouton:  Shields up.  Arm phasers and photon torpedoes.  Hail the _Chivalier_.
Chow:  I'm not going to be in the _Chivalier_ in time to nail this guy, am I?
Crouton:  No.  (to viewscreen)  Commander Larkin, note the approaching HVR
  vessel on your sensors.  Commander Bloocheez is not someone easy to deal
  with.  I suggest you stay out of the way until this is over.
Larkin:  Okay, but what about Chi?
Crouton:  We'll send him over as soon as we're done.
			* * * * *
Bloocheez:  Wayd, arm all weapons.  Kerd, power down from warp speed.  Open
  a hailing frequency.
Bock:  Bloocheez, I think you're obsessed with the _Croutonprize_.  You're
  going to get us killed one of these days.
Bloocheez:  Have I yet?
Crouton:  What in the hell do you want now?
Bloocheez:  Touchy, touchy, touchy.  Wake up with your spurs in your boots
  this morning?
Crouton:  I'm in no mood for your games.  Now do I pulverize you or do you
  leave us alone?
Bloocheez:  How much is that other Federation starship worth to you?
Crouton:  Why?
Bloocheez:  I want to talk -- face-to-face -- with you and you alone.  I want
  to resolve our differences and establish a system for our peaceful
  exploration of this galaxy.
Crouton:  And if I don't?
Bloocheez:  I destroy yet another of Captain Chow's commands.
Crouton:  All right.
			* * * * *
Doors to Croutonizer Room 4 open and Crouton, Avenger, Chow, and Gretzky
march in.

Avenger:  No!
Crouton:  Yes!
Avenger:  I'm not going to let you do this!
Crouton:  Too bad.
Avenger:  Mutiny!
Crouton:  I know!
Avenger:  ...Look, Chris.  I admire your sense of duty, but this IS a court-
  martiable offense...
Crouton:  I know.  But I have to do it.
Chow:  So why did you want me here?
Crouton:  I have a plan.  Taubman, at the moment that I am croutonized to
  the _C Hag_, they may try to open fire.  But they will be concentrating
  all of their efforts either way on us.  I want you to croutonize Captain
  Chow to the bridge of his ship at the very same moment.  At least one of
  us is going to get Bloocheez for all he's done.
Gretzky:  You can't go unarmed.
Crouton:  I have to.  Taubman, get ready.
			* * * * *
Captain Crouton appears in a large room deep inside the _C Hag_.  All around
him are Hidden Valley Ranch Hands with large plasma shotguns.

Bloocheez:  Hello, Captain.

Captain Crouton suddenly realizes something about Bloocheez.  Unlike the rest
of the Hidden Valley Ranchers, who appeared to be very human-like, Bloocheez
was over 7 feet tall and appeared to have blue-green freckles all over.

Crouton:  State your business.
Bloocheez:  It's time to settle our rivalry like real men.
Crouton:  Don't be such a chauvanist.
Bloocheez:  Bock, the weapons.
Bock:  I don't think...
Bloocheez:  You're not here to think, Bock!!!

Bloocheez knocks Bock to the floor with one sweep of his blue-freckled hand.

Bloocheez:  Computer, simulate traditional town setting.

The holodeck changes the setting to that of an old Earth-style western town,
except that the buildings, street, and traffic are contemporary.

Bloocheez:  We're going to have a good old fashioned quick draw, Captain.
Crouton:  Last request?
Bloocheez:  Certainly.  You may call your ship.
Crouton:  You read my mind.  (taps communicator)  Captain to bridge.
Highlander:  Bridge here, captain.  What the F***?
Crouton:  Looks like we're going to have a quick draw to settle our differ-
  ences.  Captain Chow may be safe after all.
Neon:  Captain, I sense bad special effects.
Crouton:  Tell Admiral Avenger that I will be meeting my death via Plan 3C.
  I think he knows what that means.
Bloocheez:  All right.  Enough gabbing.  Take your gun and get down to the
  other end of the street.
			* * * * *
The two gunslingers stand at either end of the dusty street, their plasma
pistols hanging low at their sides.  Bloocheez stands perfectly still,
except for a minor twitch in his right thumb.  Captain Crouton moves for
his pistol, but Bloocheez is faster--

But Crouton suddenly disappears.  The plasma bolt from Bloocheez's weapon
strikes and vaporizes one of his Ranch Hands.  The bolt from Crouton's 
weapon strikes Bock and vaporizes him as Bloocheez ducks out of the way.

Bloocheez:  Yellow!

The _C Hag_ then buckles from the impact of Crouton Torpedoes from both
sides.

Bloocheez:  Yellow double-crossing--
			* * * * *
Highlander:  Let's finish the bastard off now!
Crouton:  That is Captain Chow's honor, if he so wishes.  It was he who has
  suffered most from Bloocheez's wrath.
Chuang:  Captain, *FOUR* HVR cruisers moving into the sector.
Crouton:  Gretzky, think we can handle five of them between the two of us?
Gretzky:  Doubt it, Captain, though I'd love to try.
Avenger:  You will get both ships the hell away from here right now or I
  will personally court-martial you.
Crouton:  All right.  Let's get the hell away from here.
			* * * * *
"Bartender's Log, Stardate 100172.2:
     Captain Crouton appears to have broken his root beer habit.  He's been
down here in Ten Forward carousing (if you can call it that) with some of the
crew for over three hours now without one root beer.  His problems appear to
be over for now.  Whatever that incident with Bloocheez did to him, I am glad.
     Now if we can just dig Dr. Flieder out of that lab long enough to make
sure she's still alive..."