STAR TREK: THE SUMMER GENERATION
EPISODES #28 - 32

Date: Fri, 8 Jun 90 11:58:23 -0600
From: zecca@tramp (VMS SUCKS)
Subject: ST:TSG

"Captain's Log, Stardate 100180.2:
     We are en route to study a luminous blue variable.  Such stars are very
rare -- only a half dozen exist in our own galaxy, so the opportunity to
study another sample can not be passed up.
     Additional note:  The _Chivalier_ provided us with another crew member
before leaving for its first mission.  Apparently, Admiral Picard thinks
highly of this young rising star of the fleet and wants him to get command
training directly under me.  Whatever.  Lt. Cdr. Trafalgar has been given
the purely honorary rank of "third officer" until further notice."

Many of the normal bridge crew have just gotten off duty and are killing
time in Ten Forward.  Lt. Himle and Lt. Chuang share a table with Highlander.
The Admirals are seated in a corner booth.  Lt. Cdr. Trafalgar stands idly
at the bar, drinking a cherry coke through a crazy straw.

T'Lilith:  I can tell.  You are excited.
Avenger:  You don't see a luminous blue variable every day, you know.
  But I can tell that you're excited as well.
T'Lilith (blushing green):  I am glad we finally rescheduled the wedding.
Avenger (taking her hand in his):  So am I.

Ensign Kindig approaches Highlander's table with ice cream.

Kindig:  Want to try my rocky road?
Trafalgar (interrupting):  I loooove rocky road!
Highlander (grumpily):  F*** off, "Number Three."  Nobody asked you.
Chuang:  Commander, don't get so uptight.
Trafalgar:  How funny!  Wonder boy is standing up for the Flying Scotsman.
Highlander (burning up):  That's it!!! (rips out his katana)

Suddenly, the room chills and a thin covering of frost begins to coat both
the windows and the surface of the bar and tables.  Highlander's katana
drips with freshly made ice.  Then, the lights go out.

Highlander:  What the F***?!?!?
Avenger:  Get your cold hands off me, you--

The lights return and the temperature returns to normal.  The frost begins
to slowly melt into a dew.  T'Lilith howls a Klingon curse.

Midzor:  I had nothing to do with this.  I swear.
Chuang:  Where is Admiral Avenger?
			* * * * *

		"The Best of Both Croutons"
			(Part 1 of 2)

Guest stars
	Ed Begley, Jr. as Commander Bloocheez
	"Weird Al" Yankovic as Lt. Cdr. Trafalgar
	Tony Robinson as Darrell
Special guest star
	Patrick Stewart as Admiral Jean-Luc Picard

			* * * * *
"Captain's Log, Stardate 100180.3:
     It has been four hours since the mysterious disappearance of Admiral
Avenger from Ten Forward.  I am concerned.  We only have one lead, but it is
very thin.
     Admiral T'Lilith is not taking this well.  First, she destroyed most
of the breakable objects in Ten Forward.  It took Highlander, Gretzky, and
two full security teams to hold her down long enough to trank her.  She's
now strapped to a bed in Sick Bay where Counselor Neon and Vanessa "Bruce"
are trying to calm her."

Crouton:  Continue long range scans.  ANY signs of ANY vessels?
Ghiasi:  None readily apparent.
Crouton:  Then check the not-so readily apparent!
Trafalgar:  If I may, Captain...
Crouton:  You have an idea, Mr. Trafalgar?
Trafalgar:  Judging by the sudden temperature drop in the room, this might
  be some sort of a Kelvin plot.
Highlander:  No F***ing sh**!

Trafalgar sticks his tongue out at Highlander, who reaches for his katana.

Crouton:  Easy, Number One.  If you can't keep that sword of yours where it
  belongs, we're going to have to remove it from the bridge.
Chuang:  Incoming message pod at Jolt-Factor..12!  Coded for Admiral Avenger's,
  Captain Crouton's, and Captain Chow's eyes only.
Crouton:  Damn.  (pause)  Bring it aboard and have the message entered into
  my personal computer.  Gretzky, hail the _Chivalier_.
Himle:  Sir, we are receiving a long-distance transmission from the _C Hag_.
Crouton:  What in the hell is going on?
			* * * * *
Avenger is huddled in a corner of a cold, dark, icy room.  He shivers and
his uniform is covered with frost.

Avenger:  It is FREEZING in here!  (calling to no one in particular)  Somebody
  turn the heat up, will you?  It's cold in here.

Avenger sees a figure move slightly in the darkness about 12 feet in front
of him.  The figure appears to have been asleep and is just now waking up.

Avenger:  Who's there?  What do you want?

Commander Bloocheez slowly picks himself up and walks slowly and cautiously
toward Avenger.

Bloocheez:  Amordull Avenger?  Was that your voice I heard?
Avenger:  _Admiral_ Avenger, Bloocheez.  Why did you bring me here?
Bloocheez (now visible, sits down near Avenger):  I didn't bring you here.
  (shivers)  Too cold for my taste.  No, I was going to ask you the same
  thing, but now--
Avenger:  But by now we both realize we are both pawns in someone else's game.
  I wonder if they realize how big a catch they have.
			* * * * *
Darrell:  So you see, Captain, we ARE in the same position.
Crouton:  If what you say is true, what can we expect to happen?
Darrell:  We figure some sort of a ransom deal.
Crouton:  No, the Kelvins are much too smart and much too DIFFERENT to be
  worried about simple political bargaining chips.
Trafalgar:  They're probably planning on using Commander Bloocheez and
  Admiral Avenger against both the Federation and the Hidden Valley Ranch
  somehow.
Darrell:  Agreed, _Croutonprize_.  That is why I contacted you, against
  the better judgment of most of my crew.
Crouton:  Thank you for doing so, Vice Commander Darrell.  Would you be
  willing to rendevous at some neutral point with our ships in, say, 2 hours?
Darrell:  No tricks?
Crouton:  No tricks.
Darrell:  We shall say.  Meet us at 45;6,7,32:15,4;2,9 in 62.7 minutes.
  Await another hail.  _C Hag_ out.
Himle:  The _Chivalier_ is arriving, Captain.
Crouton:  Very good.  Have Captain Chow croutonized aboard and sent to my
  quarters.
			* * * * *
In Captain Crouton's quarters, the two captains sit, listening to a recorded
message from an aging Admiral Jean-Luc Picard, interim-Commander Starfleet.

Picard:  "...You see the graveness of the situation.  Fifteen planets along
  our borders have already been turned into worlds of ice.  The Hidden Valley
  Ranch reports twelve of their worlds have seen the same fate, and they
  blame us for it.  They believe we have found some miraculous secret weapon
  in the LMC..."
Crouton:  Damn.  I wish this had arrived sooner.
Picard:  "...We believe that both your vessels are urgently needed in THIS
  galaxy to find out what is happening and who is causing it.  We also need
  Admiral Avenger back for his insight and Commodore Bradford for his tactical
  prowess.  Therefore, by order of the Starfleet Commander, you are ordered
  to return to the Federation at best speed..."
Chow:  He must be kidding.  We can't leave the HVR with control of this
  galaxy and we can't leave Mike behind.
Picard:  "...Picard, J-L.  Stardate 100177.3."
Chow:  So what do we do?
Crouton:  Our orders are to return home IMMEDIATELY.
Chow:  We CAN NOT do that.
Crouton:  What do you suggest?
Chow:  It's sounding like a Kelvin problem all right.  Why don't we take
  ourselves to the SOURCE of the trouble?
Crouton:  What if we fail?
Chow:  What if it's the only way to keep from failing?
			* * * * *
Avenger and Bloocheez now sit huddled on the floor near one another.  A
side door opens and five Kelvins enter.

Avenger:  W-we're...g-g-going t-to g-get fr-frostbite if you d-don't turn
  up the t-temperature in here.
Bloocheez:  W-why have you t-taken us?
Kelvin Commander:  Be silent, lower life forms.  We are in route to our
  home, where you will serve the Kelvin Empire in our conquest of YOUR
  galaxy.
Avenger:  J-just how d-do you think w-we are g-going to help y-you?
Kelvin Cdr:  You will help.  There is no question of that.
Bloocheez:  W-what about k-keeping us alive?  W-we need warmer t-temperatures
  than th-this to survive.
Kelvin 2:  It is already unbearably hot in here.
Kelvin 1:  We can not afford any MORE energy for your comfort.
Avenger:  D-damn.
			* * * * *
"Captain's Log, Stardate 100181.1:
     The Hidden Valley Ranch ships _C Hag_, _C Weed_, _C Dee_ have joined
the _Croutonprize_ and the _Chivalier_ in the search for our lost commanders.
I have tried to share Admiral Picard's concerns about the Hidden Valley Ranch
Empire with the Ranchers, but they do not apparently wish to believe anything
until they hear it from THEIR superiors."

Ghiasi:  Jez, try boosting the high-gain frequency one more time.
Jez:  Mrowp.  Prrp.  Meow!  (I'm picking up a signal -- typical Kelvin
  engine emissions!)
Ghiasi:  We've got them, Captain!
Crouton:  Speed and heading?
Chuang:  Jolt-Factor 5.5.
Himle:  Heading toward...a very large dusty nebula in an area we haven't
  explored yet.
Trafalgar:  Mr. Gretzky, alert the other vessels.
Highlander:  F*** that order, Mr. Gretzky.  Alert the _Chivalier_.  Await
  Captain Crouton's orders before alerting the Ranchers.
Crouton:  Alert all of them, Mr. Gretzky.  Number One, Mr. Trafalgar, you
  will meet me in my Ready Room in five minutes.
Gaz:  Mr. Himle, plot an intercept course, Jolt-Factor 7.5.
Midzor (intercom):  Don't push the engines for more than that.  I can't
  guarantee you battle-readiness otherwise.
Himle:  Course plotted.
Gretzky:  _Chivalier_ and the Ranchers have also plotted similar courses
  and will follow our lead.
Crouton:  Mr. Chuang, engage, if you please.
			* * * * *
In Sickbay, Admiral T'Lilith appears to have calmed, but is still strapped
down to a bed.  All of the breakables have been removed from the area.
Counselor Neon and Vanessa "Bruce" puzzle over the situation from a corner.

Neon:  As long as there are no further interruptions, she should be all right.
Vanessa:  You have her Klingon side calmed down, but we haven't seen evidence
  of her Vulcan side yet...

T'Lilith suddenly sits bolt upright, ripping out the restraints, screaming
at the top of her lungs.  Tears begin to stream down her face.
			* * * * *

To be continued.....

----------------
Date: Sun, 10 Jun 90 14:45:08 -0600
From: zecca@tramp (GRE slave)
Subject: ST:TSG (VERY LONG)

"First Officer's Log, Stardate 100181.7:
     We are still in pursuit of the Kelvin ship that kidnapped Admiral Avenger.
The starship _Chivalier_ and three Hidden Valley Ranch ships have joined us,
since Commander Bloocheez was also a kidnap victim.  According to a report
from Admiral Picard, the Federation and the Hidden Valley Ranch are on the
brink of war over incidents started by advance Kelvin ships which have
invaded our galaxy.

Personal Note:  I'm going to turn those F***ing Kelvins into crushed ice."

Ghiasi:  They have again increased speed, now at Jolt-Factor 8.7.
Crouton:  Damn.  They definitely know we're after them.  (taps panel)  Missy?
Midzor:  Look, the last speed increase destroyed my HP 41CV.  Any more and
  the engines are going to melt on me.
Highlander:  Missy, the fate of our F***ing galaxy is at stake!!!
Midzor:  I can give you warp 9.1, but that's it.  Don't ask for any more.
Crouton:  We'll take anything we can get.

Lt. Chuang gets up and quietly slips off the bridge.  Lt. JG Turner quickly
takes his place.  Jez runs for the turbolift and makes it through just before
the doors close on Chuang.

Zen:  At that speed, the Kelvins will still reach the nebula before the
  _Croutonprize_ is in phaser range.
Wankoid:  What do they want IN the nebula, anyway?
Trafalgar:  Well, let's see...this nebula is very dusty and dark.  Perhaps
  it is a particularly cold region of space?
Highlander:  The F***ing Kelvins love cold!  Their home planet is probably
  in there!
Gaz:  Or home planets???
Crouton:  I don't think I want to know.

			* * * * *

		"Let's Have a Cold War"
		    (Part 2 of 2)

Guest stars
	Ed Begley, Jr. as Commander Bloocheez
	"Weird Al" Yankovic as Lt. Cdr. Trafalgar
	Tony Robinson as Darrell

			* * * * *

Kelvin 2:  What is wrong with it?
Avenger:  HE is suffering from hypothermia!  You bastards need to turn the
  heat up!  And it feels like you've only been turning it DOWN!
Kelvin 1:  It was necessary.
Avenger:  Why was it necessary?
Kelvin 1:  Your own vessels are in pursui--

Kelvin 2 slaps Kelvin 1 with twenty of its tentacles.

Kelvin 2:  Pyromaniac!  You are not supposed to give out that kind of
  information to the prisoners.  Go to the punishment room!
Kelvin 1:  Woogles!  Woogles!  Woogles!  (rushes from room)
Avenger:  What in the hell does "Woogles" mean?
Kelvin 2:  It is an expression which signifies great fear of being melted.

The rest of the Kelvins leave the room, letting in a gust of really cold air.

Bloocheez (whispering):  Ad-d-d-miral?
Avenger:  Keep calm.  I'll try to keep you as warm as I can.
Bloocheez:  I d-d-do not requir-r-re s-such help.  B-b-but...
Avenger:  Slow down.  Your breathing is confused.  Don't push it.
Bloocheez:  They d-d-did not remove my-y p-personal c-c-communic...
Avenger:  Where is it?
Bloocheez:  H-h-hidden in my h-hat.

Avenger picks up Bloocheez's hat and searches it, until he finds a tiny
buglike communications device.

Avenger:  How do I operate it?
			* * * * *
Gretzky:  Incoming message from the _C Hag_, Captain.
Crouton:  On screen, if you please.

Captain Crouton picks up his root beer and takes a sip as Darrell appears.

Darrell:  Captain, we have just received a short message from Admiral Avenger.
Crouton:  What nature?  How are they?
Darrell:  Commander Bloocheez is suffering from hypothermia and your Admiral
  believes he is soon to follow.  His orders were to destroy the Kelvin vessel
  and not attempt a rescue.
Crouton:  I am not sure I can believe this.  Can you play a copy of the
  transmission for us?
Darrell:  I am sorry, Captain, but the high speeds at which you are pushing
  our vessels are playing havoc with our systems.  Apparently, the message
  was not properly recorded.
Crouton:  All right.  Crouton out.
Highlander:  I don't F***ing believe him.
Trafalgar:  Commander, the Ranchers have thus far proven fairly trustworthy.
Highlander (hand on katana):  I'm going to KILL you, Trafalgar!  You are so
  F***ing stupid!!!  We can all see right through the Ranchers!
Crouton:  That is enough.  I can not have any more arguing between the two
  of you.  I want you both off my bridge now.  Gaz, take over.

Highlander and Trafalgar begin to move toward the turbolift.  Both eye each
other suspiciously.

Crouton:  Use different turbolifts, if you please.

In the heat of the situation, Captain Crouton accidentally tips over the
root beer glass, which forms a nice puddle on the floor below the captain's
chair.  Lt. Cdr. Gaz snaps his fingers  and the glass reappears with
the root beer back inside in Captain Crouton's hands.

Crouton:  Thank you.
			* * * * *
Kelvin Cdr.:  We have arrived at our destination.  You will now be taken
  to the surface of our planet.
Avenger:  W-w-what's g-g-going to h-happen to us?
Kelvin Cdr:  We are going to extract all knowledge from your pitifully
  small central storage devices...
Avenger:  Y-you mean b-brains...
Kelvin Cdr:  Whatever.  And then your drained bodies will be frozen for
  later dissection by our scientists.  You will provide both the information
  we need to conquer your galaxy AND the knowledge of how to eliminate your
  species should we encounter any further difficulties.
Avenger:  B-b-bastards.  I'll melt d-down every machine you b-bastards try
  t-to use on m-me.
			* * * * *
Himle:  Penetrating nebula boundary now, Captain.
Ghiasi:  We've lost their sensor trace.
Crouton:  Damn.  Slow to Jolt-Factor 5.  Yellow alert.
Zen:  Yellow alert!  Yellow alert!  Yellow alert!
Wankoid:  (sneezes)  Where's Jez?
Ghiasi:  I...don't know.  He was here a few minutes ago.

The view on the screen suddenly changes from that of a dusty nebula to the
contents of the dark interior of the nebula.  A lone brown dwarf, circled
by a large terrestrial body sit alone inside the darkness.

Ghiasi:  Planet is orbiting at 22.7 AU.  Very cold.
Gaz:  Seems like a perfect place for the Kelvins to live.
Wankoid:  Signs of a primitive atmosphere on the planet...and the Kelvin
  ship we were following is also in orbit.
Gretzky:  I'm picking up a security alert from Croutonizer Room #2.
Crouton:  What the hell?
			* * * * *
Lt. Taubman lies prone on the floor, the apparent victim of a phaser stun.

Chuang:  Sorry, Lieutenant.

Jez hops up onto the croutonizer, dressed out in a full pressure suit and
two phaser rifles.  He has two more pressure suits strapped to his back.

Jez:  Meow!  Mrow!  Mrow!  (Hurry up!  He alerted the bridge!)
Chuang:  All right.  I've traced a Hidden Valley Ranch emergency homing
  beacon, which I assume is from the communicator the Admiral used.  I'll
  croutonize you to the source of the beacon.
Jez:  Mrowp!  Bo!  (Just do it!)

Jez decroutonizes, just as Lt. Gretzky and a security team enter the room.

Gretzky:  Stop him, Chuang.
Chuang:  Sorry, Lt.  It was the only way.
			* * * * *
Kelvin Cdr:  So, they have found us.  Too bad.  Prepare to transport the
  aliens to the surface.  Load all weapons and prepare for battle.

But just as the Kelvin moves to activate their transporter, Jez the Wonder
Kitty appears on a third transporter pad.  All THREE are transported to the
surface.
			* * * * *
Gaz (manning the empty security station):  The Kelvin ship is moving toward us.
Wankoid:  Captain, I'm picking up ... 12 more Kelvin ships on long range scans.
  They should be here within ten minutes.
Crouton:  Damn.  Battle stations.
Zen: < RED ALERT > < RED ALERT > < RED ALERT > Hide! < RED ALERT > < RED
  ALERT > Oh, my poor circuits!  < RED ALERT >

We see beams of icy ions leave the Kelvin ship and hit the HVR _C Dee_.
The warp engines crumble and disintegrate.  A second beam begins to do
the same to the rest of the ship.
			* * * * *
Chow:  Let's use the HVR ships as a shield and go for the home planet.
Larkin:  Lt. Janson, load all weapons.
Chow:  Take us in.

The _Chivalier_ suddenly breaks from the pack of ships and dives in toward
the Kelvin home planet.
			* * * * *
Highlander:  What in the hell is Chow doing?
Trafalgar:  Looks like he's going for the home planet.
Highlander:  Not a bad idea.
			* * * * *
Admiral Avenger, Commander Bloocheez, and Jez the Wonder Kitty appear in
the Kelvin transporter room.  Jez hoists his phaser rifles Rambo-style
and starts melting Kelvins left and right.

Jez:  Mrow!  Hiss!  Blurp!  (You want a cold war?  Here I am!)

Avenger notices the extra pressure suits and removes them from Jez's back.
Jez chases three Kelvins into the hallway, then returns to lock up the room.
Avenger puts one pressure suit on Bloocheez, then puts one on himself.

Avenger:  Thanks, Jez.  But how are we going to get back to the Croutonprize?
			* * * * *
Lt. Taubman, barely recovered from a phaser stun, is resetting the controls
in Croutonizer Room 2.  Suddenly, Commander Highlander and Lt. Cdr. Trafalgar
enter in pressure suits.

Taubman:  Don't even bother.  I'm sick of being overpowered today.  Where do
  you want me to croutonize you?
Highlander:  Wherever Chuang beamed Jez.

Taubman croutonizes them aboard the Kelvin vessel.  He then pulls out a
phaser, sets it to stun, presses the alarm button, then stuns himself.

Taubman:  What a day.  (Klunk)
			* * * * *
Gaz:  More unauthorize use of the Croutonizer room.
Crouton:  Where'd they beam themselves to this time?
Ghiasi:  Aboard the Kelvin vessel, Captain.
Crouton:  Damn.

Gaz fires two more Crouton torpedoes, one of which strikes the Kelvin's
shields, the other of which misses.  The _C Weed_ is hit by a chilly blast
and the main bridge crumbles.
			* * * * *
Janson:  Captain, two Kelvin ships incoming at Jolt-3!
Chow:  Crouton torpedoes away!

A full spread of Crouton torpedoes strike out at the incoming Kelvins.
One vessel explodes, but the other is too close and is sent into a dive
toward the planet's surface.

Larkin:  Good shot, Janson!
			* * * * *
Highlander appears in the Kelvin transporter room and draws his claymore.
Trafalgar pulls out a pair of hand phasers.

Highlander:  AAAAAAAA!!!!  (runs up and shoves his claymore right through
  the Kelvin operating the transporter)

Two more Kelvins rush through the doorway and are immediately dispatched
by Trafalgar's phasers.

Highlander:  I'm beginning to like you.  Feel the quickening?
			* * * * *
Jez:  Mrow!
Avenger:  I know.  They're almost through the doors.  We can't wait here
  much longer.  (Starts flipping switches.  Suddenly, they get a viewscreen
  with a view of the battle.)
Bloocheez:  They're outnumbered...and outgunned.  The Kelvins have us.
Avenger:  I don't know about that.  Look!

The _Chivalier_ pounds two more Kelvin ships and begins to bombard the
surface with Crouton torpedoes.  The room shakes as the distant explosions
carry shock waves through the surface.

Avenger:  Admiral to _Chivalier_!  Admiral to _Chivalier_!  Three to
  croutonize!  We're not going to last much longer!
			* * * * *
Crouton (empties his root beer glass and sets it down):  Status report, if
  you please, Mr. Gaz.
Gaz:  Shields buckling.  _C Hag_ has suffered minor internal damage.  _C Dee_
  is dead in the water and _C Weed_ is crippled.  Three more Kelvin ships
  approaching, ETA 2 minutes.

Gretzky walks in, carrying Lt. Chuang by the collar of his uniform.

Gretzky:  Chuang here is responsible for the unauthorized croutnizing.
Crouton:  Explain yourself, Mr. Chuang.
Chuang:  There's no time for that!  There's only one way to win here!
Gaz:  What?
Chuang:  First, we have to get the Admiral back.  Jez is working on that now.
Ghiasi:  Then what?
Chuang:  We turn all the firepower of the _Croutonprize_, the _Chivalier_,
  and the _C Hag_ on the brown dwarf.  If we supply enough energy, maybe
  we can get the fusion reactions to start.
Crouton:  Heating up the system to a temperature the Kelvins can not stand.
  Ingenious!  Neal, take over the con and implement the instructions.
  Gretzky, get me the _Chivalier_.
Gretzky:  We're being hailed by the _C Hag_.
Crouton:  Give me three-way broadcast.

The _C Hag_'s bridge appears on the left half of the screen, Commander
Bloocheez back in his chair.  The bridge of the _Chivalier_ appears on
the right, with Admiral Avenger sitting in the Counselor's chair next to
Captain Chow.  Jez is napping in the Admiral's lap.

Bloocheez:  We're baaaaaaaaack.  HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!
Avenger:  Thanks to Jez and Neal, and the timely arrival of your "fleet."
Gretzky:  Captain, the Kelvin ship has stopped firing.
Bloocheez:  Good, now is the time to pound it!
Crouton:  No, wait!
Gretzky:  The Kelvin ship is hailing us.
Crouton:  On screen, with the rest.
Highlander (on the Kelvin ship):  We've got control of their ship.
Chuang:  Now we have FOUR ships' firepower.
Ghiasi:  That should be more than enough to ignite the dwarf.
			* * * * *
The four ships move into position and unleash everything they have into
the brown dwarf.

Crouton:  Soraya?
Ghiasi:  Just a little more...

Suddenly, the brown dwarf's fusion reactions ignite, as the star shrinks and 
brightens, unleashing new heat on the cold Kelvin world.
			* * * * *
On the surface of the planet, Kelvins rush around in a frenzy in the streets,
screaming "Woogles."
			* * * * *
On the Kelvin ship, Highlander sits back and smiles.  Suddenly, there is a
commotion behind him as a lone frenzied Kelvin wraps his tentacles around
Trafalgar's neck and snaps it.  Trafalgar's dead body slumps to the floor
as the Kelvin turns toward Karim.

Highlander:  F***!

Highlander runs forward and slices the Kelvin clean in two with his claymore.
He then continues to slice it up until it is little more than a pile of cold,
dead flesh.  He then turns toward the downed Trafalgar.

Highlander:  I'm going to miss you, dumb f***.
			* * * * *
"Captain's Log, Stardate 100187.4:
     The Kelvin threat to our galaxy has ended.  Admiral Picard reports that
tensions in the galaxy have settled down and all Kelvin ships have fled.  We
DO expect to encounter the Kelvins again some day, but for now they appear
to be seriously weakened.
     Commander Bloocheez has quietly left us.  Whether peaceful cooperation
with the Hidden Valley Ranch will ever again be possible is unknown, but it
DID work for one day.  That is an accomplishment we should not forget.
     Commander Highlander regretfully informed me of the death of Lt. Cdr.
Trafalgar, who gave up his life to protect his superior officer.  Star Fleet
has lost a qualified officer and although Number One is afraid to admit it,
he appears to have lost a friend."

Admiral Avenger appears on the Croutonizer pad, holding Jez in his arms.
Jez leaps from Avenger to Soraya's awaiting arms and begins purring almost
immediately.  Captain Crouton then enters the room.

Avenger:  So, Chris, when can we get this wedding going again?
Crouton:  Well, ... um...
Avenger:  And where IS T'Lilith?  That was the worst part of this whole mess --
  being away from her.
Ghiasi:  Well, ... um...

The doors open and Admiral T'Lilith enters on crutches, a cast on her left
foot.  Counselor Neon and Vanessa follow her in, each with black eyes and
assorted bruises and bandages.

Avenger:  What in the hell happened?
T'Lilith:  I missed you, too.

----------------
Date: Sat, 9 Jun 90 17:22:22 MDT
From: reid_jh%cubldr@spot.ucar.EDU (Crossfire)
Subject: ST:TSG  "The MRE Epidemic"

Next time, on a really, really good episode of Star Trek:  The Summer
Generation--

"The MRE Epidemic"

The crew of the Croutonprize faces yet another peril during their mission when
their food synthesizers break down. . .

[Exterior, space.  The Croutonprize is sitting motionless in the center of the
 view.]
Crouton's voice:  Captain's log, stardate . . .uh. . .*ahem*.  We are currently
     waiting for Lt. Midzor to finish re-calibrating the molecular storage
     computers so that we can bring all our Croutonizer systems back online, 
     which include the food synthesizers.  Meanwhile, the crew continues to
     grow hungry. . .

[Interior, 10-Forward Lounge.  There are a few people sitting at tables; none
 of them have any drinks or food.  They all look rather unhappy.  Crouton,
 Avenger, and Gretzky enter and walk up to the bar.]
Crouton:  Well, Mordred. . .are the synths back up yet?
Mordred:  Nope.  Not that it matters to you, since you have your own private
     stash. [He gestures to Crouton's bottle of rootbeer.]
Crouton:  Of course.  [He raises his bottle in mock toast and takes a drink.]
Avenger:  Of course I'm very hungry.  Definately.  Do you have anything to eat?
     Peanuts or pretzels or something?
Mordred [reaches under the bar and pulls out a flat brown thick plastic bag.]:
     Only these.
Gretzky [Recognizing the package]:  Oh, no. . .
Avenger [reading the labelling stamped on the bag]:  "Meal, Ready to Eat, 
     Individual.  Menu #3:  Beef Patty, Bean Component.  Accessory Package B.
     Not for Pre-Flight or Flight Use."  Sounds good.
Gretzky:  Admiral, if I may. . .[But Avenger is already moving to a table,
     struggling to open the tough plastic package.  Gretzky and Crouton follow
     him.]
Avenger:  Lieutenant, let me use your phaser, please. [Gretzky hands it over;
 Avenger adjusts it to a low setting and phasers open a hole in the package.
 Out fall a few smaller plastic packets and a box, each one labelled.  Avenger
 picks up the box and reads it.]  Beans in tomato sauce.  Hmmmm.  [He examines
 the other packages, reading them.]  "Cheese spread (fortified).  Kneed package
      before use."  "Crackers."  "Dehydrated beef patty."  "Accessory package
      B."  Ah.
[Avenger summons all his strength and tears open the beef patty package.  It
 rips open suddenly, causing Avenger to fling his arms out, knocking everything
 off the table including Gretzky's phaser.  It hits the ground and discharges,
 stunning one of the patrons of Ten Forward.]
Avenger [Looking over his shoulder at the stunned crewmember]:  Sorry.  
[He prepares to eat the dehydrated beef patty.]
Gretzky:  Sir, uh, I wouldn't do that if I were you. . .
Avenger [Pausing]:  Why not?  I'm hungry.  [He takes a bite.]
[Gretzky throws himself on the ground, dragging Crouton with him.  Avenger
 tastes the beef patty and gets a look of surprise on his face. . .]

Will the venerable Admiral be able to survive this new test on his system?  Can
Gretzky ever manage to keep from having to rescue his captain in each episode?
Will Jez the Wonder Kitty go to Los Alamos to visit Missy? Find out on the next
Exciting episode of Star Trek:  The Constipated Generation.

#==============Zen===Ship's=Computer=USS=Croutonprize=NCC=1741C===============#

----------------
Date: Tue, 12 Jun 90 14:27:19 -0600
From: ghiasi@tramp (Soraya Ghiasi)
Subject: entertainment

This week on ST:TSG

	"Infinitely Bored"

Admiral Avenger is bored.  The Admiral orders the crew to post interesting
tales to the ship's computer bulletin board.  Soon the situation gets out
of hand as the entire crew starts posting silly messages that serve no
no purpose other than to show the Admiral that they have been trying to
obey his orders.  Jez the Wonder Kitty, of course, saves the day when he
discovers that what Admiral Avenger really needs is Pounce, Catnip, and a
catnap.

----------------
Date: Tue, 12 Jun 90 16:41:32 -0600
From: zecca@tramp (Bjorn the BORG and Ernest BORGnine)
Subject: ST:TSG -- The Bacos are back, folks...

Mordred stacks glasses at the bar in Ten Forward while people flow in and
out between shifts.  We move to a table near the windows occupied by some
of the engineering staff, winding down after work.

Ens. Savan:  I, for one, will be glad to get some shore leave.
Lt. Taubman:  Yeah, it's about time I got out of that stuffy Croutonizer
  Room and got some fresh air.
Ens. Kindig:  Hey, Joe, how about you?
Ens. Bartlett:  Uh...well...um...I don't think so...I mean...I was going to
  use the time to get caught up on some of the reports Midzor wanted.
Taubman:  Aw, c'mon, Bart.  Loosen up some, will ya?
Savan:  Yeah, Joe.  Come have some fun with us.
Bartlett:  Noo...I really can't...
			* * * * *
Ensign Bartlett enters his quarters on Deck 11, flipping the lights on.
A light on his computer is flashing, indicating a message from his roommate
or another member of the crew.  Starting up the message, it is apparently
a quick note from his roommate, Ensign Corson.

Ens. Corson:  Hey, Bart.  I'm taking off for shore leave as soon as my
  shift's over.  Still wish you'd reconsider and join me.  I'll be staying
  at the Red Slimglot Inn in New Trlyg City.  Don't get into too much trouble.
Bartlett:  Yeah, okay.  I won't, Jim.

He moves to his personal closet and presses the button which swings it out
from its recess in the wall.  He pulls a small box from a drawer and sets
it on the table.  He lifts the lid and gently puts his hand in the box,
extending his fingers to the Bacos inside.

Bartlett:  How are you guys doing?  I missed you.
			* * * * *

		"Bedtime for Bacos"

Guest star
	Ron Reagan as Ensign Joe Bartlett

			* * * * *
"Captain's Log, Stardate 100192.2:
     After the Kelvin incident, we are putting in for much needed
shore leave at Dresnel.  Dresnel, of course, is a planet we opened
diplomatic relations with a few weeks ago.  Their General Secretary,
Charmyne, has been extremely friendly toward us and has offered us
unlimited shore leave rights.  The only real problem with the planet
is the high level of bureaucracy in their police departments."

Crouton:  Lt. Gretzky, you're not going to take advantage of shore leave?

Gretzky gives Captain Crouton back a cold stare from the security station.

Gretzky:  Do you remember what happened to me the last time I went down
  to that planet?
Crouton:  Oh, yes.  The meter maid.  But I'm sure that has been straightened
  up, hasn't it?
Gretzky:  I wouldn't put credits on it.
Crouton:  Oh well.  (taps button)  Dr. Flieder.  (pause)  Dr. Flieder.
Gaz:  She is still apparently locked away in her lab.  She has given orders
  to her entire staff that she not be disturbed.
Crouton:  Not much point in my taking shore leave either, I suppose.
T'Lilith (intercom):  Captain Crouton, you are hereby ordered to take
  three days shore leave on the planet below.
Crouton:  Must I?
T'Lilith (intercom):  You have no choice.
Crouton:  All right.  Will you and the Admiral be joining me?
T'Lilith (intercom):  No.  We have other plans.  T'Lilith out.
Crouton:  Well, I guess that means you have the con, Mr. Gretzky.  Enjoy.
			* * * * *
Bart pokes his head around a corner, looking into the Engineering section.
It looks fairly dead, only a skeleton crew taking care of a few details.
Mostly non-humans who did not feel the same need for shore leave.  Lt. Cdr.
Wankoid works on the antimatter containment field computer, which was
slightly damaged in the Cold War.  Bart tiptoes to his station, carrying
a small box under his arm, which he sets gently on his console.

Midzor:  Joe, what's the matter?

Bart jumps two feet in the air in surprise and knocks the box over on its
side, knocking off the lid.  He looks around nervously near the box, then
does his best to regain his composure while keeping an eye on his Bacos.

Bart:  The matter?  Nothing's the matter?  Nope.  Everything's fine.
Midzor:  Gee, Joe.  I didn't mean to scare you like that.  I was just
  curious why you didn't take advantage of shore leave.  Good opportunity.
  If I didn't have so many repairs to do, I'd go myself.
Bart:  Well...I...I mean...well...I thought I'd help with the repairs.
Midzor:  Well, thanks.  I appreciate it.

Midzor strolls off, stopping at the antimatter containment console to ask
Wankoid about the status of the repairs.  Bart begins to look around for his
Bacos, trying to get them back into the box and out of trouble.

Bart:  George?  Bonzo?  Danny?  Where did you go?
			* * * * *
Highlander:  I heard about this GREAT place across town that's supposed to
  have some of the best blondes this side of...
Neon:  Captain, I sense active hormones.
Crouton:  That's quite all right, Number One.  I think I'll find a good
  library and settle in.  We might be able to learn something from their
  culture.
Highlander:  You have a really WEIRD idea of taking a vacation, Captain.
  Whatever.  Me, I need something hot and blond.
Himle:  Well, I'm in.
Neon:  Me too.
Vanessa:  Ummh Hmmmph.
Neon:  I was kidding.  I was kidding! ... I sense great hostility, V.
  Vanessa?  What are you doing?  Vanessa?

Captain Crouton wanders off in the direction of the library.  Highlander
and Himle hope in a anti-grav taxi in search of a good party.  Vanessa
beats Counselor Neon over the head with a pencil-sized tree branch.
			* * * * *
Turbolift doors open and Jez bounces onto the bridge.  Lt. Chuang follows
him out.  The bridge is pretty barren, except for Ensign Reldor at con,
Commodore Bradford running tactical simulations (i.e. video games) somehow
involving cows on Science Station 4, and Lt. Gretzky, sitting in the
Captain's chair, looking at old hockey film on a small viewscreen.

Gretzky (looking up):  Jez, what are you still doing around here?
Jez (dejectedly):  mrowp.  blurp.  Mrow.  (Soraya wouldn't let me go on
  shore leave with her.)
Gretzky:  Poor kitty.  Well, the first officer's chair appears to be
  unoccupied...

Jez hops up into Highlander's seat and settles in for a good nap.  Chuang
takesover for Reldor at con and Reldor moves to Ops.

Gretzky:  What's your excuse, Neal?
Chuang:  That planet doesn't interest me as much as some.  And I didn't
  like the helm's reaction time toward the end of that battle.  I thought
  I'd see what was wrong with it.

The lights flicker, then return to full intensity.

Zen:  In...com...ing mail pod from Star Fleet Command.
Gretzky:  Zen, is there something wrong with your circuits?
Zen:  No...hehe....(giggle)...hey, cut it out!
Gretzky:  Missy, what are you _doing_ down there?
Midzor (intercom):  What do you mean?
Gretzky:  The lights dimmed, then Zen started acting up.  Sounds like he's
  being tickled to death.
Zen:  Ha ha ha!  Stop it!  AGH!  Stop it!  Ha ha ha!
Midzor:  S***, I hope it's not what I think it is.
			* * * * *
Bart is crawling around on hands and knees in an obscure corner of engineering,
looking inside machinery with a flashlight and a subneutronic scanner.

Bart:  Oh...George, Danny, Bonzo....you're going to get me in SOOOO much
  trouble...  Where are you, you little Bacos???
			* * * * *
Crouton:  Incredible.  Seventeen authors in the history of this world whose
  style almost exactly resembles that of Poe.  Absolutely incredible.

Captain Crouton strolls up to the librarian's desk with a short list in hand.

Crouton:  Excuse me, I was wondering if you might be able to make transcripts
  of this list of books to be sent to my ship?  I would find it a most
  enlightening way to study your civilization.
Librarian:  Certainly, sir.

Captain Crouton's communicator chirps.

Librarian:  I'm afraid you're going to have to shut that off, sir.  This
  IS a library, you know.
Crouton:  I'll be right back.

Crouton walks just outside and activates his communicator.

Crouton:  I told you never to call me here...
Gretzky:  We may have a problem, Captain.
Crouton:  What kind of a problem, Wayne?
Gretzky:  Bacos, sir.
Crouton:  Are you sure?
Midzor:  Systems are going down selectively, without warning.  Zen is acting
  as if he is being tickled, but Wankoid can find no reason why.
Crouton:  Damn.  Do you have Croutonizers working?
Midzor:  Yes, but I don't know for how much longer.
Crouton:  Okay, give me five minutes and then bring me up.  No need to trouble
  too many others.
			* * * * *
The lights suddenly come on in the Admirals' quarters.  Admiral Avenger sits
up from the floor, where he has been in deep thought.  T'Lilith looks up
from the text on Gorn Immunology she was reading in the corner.

Avenger:  Aw, man!  I was looking forward to some good dark-time this week.
T'Lilith:  Do'Ha.
Avenger:  Jiyaj, boH'wI.  chay'?
T'Lilith:  vIta'pu'be'.  jiSaHbe'.  
Avenger:  Yes, but it still bothers me.
T'Lilith:  Ha'DIbaH.
Avenger (smiling):  Flattery will get you nowhere.
			* * * * *
Missy fights with Croutonizer 3 until she finally gets a lock on Captain
Crouton.  She almost loses him twice, but successfully brings her aboard.

Crouton:  Zen, status report.
Zen:  HA!HA!HA!HA!HA!  STOP IT!!!!!!!!!! HA!HA!HA!HA!HA!
Crouton:  It's worse than I thought.
Midzor:  That's not the half of it.  I barely got you aboard.  The rest
  of the crew is stranded down there unless we use shuttlecraft.
Crouton:  Which may also have been invaded.  Red alert.
Zen:  Red a--HA!HA!HA!HA!  Red HA!HA! aler-- HA!HA!HA!HA!
			* * * * *
Bart:  George?  You little...

He reaches out with the magnetic tweezers and grabs George, who attempts
to make a run for it.  Luckily, Bart grabs him just in the nick of time.

Bart:  Now where are Bonzo and Danny hiding?
			* * * * *
Chuang:  Oh, great!  Now the entire helm has locked up.

Captain Crouton enters the bridge and orders a large root beer from the
food synthesizer.  He instead gets chocolate pudding topped with broccoli.

Crouton:  This is almost funny.
Zen:  "I want to be a part of it -- New York, New York..."
Crouton:  Frank Sinatra?  This is getting really weird.
Midzor:  I'd better get back to Engineering.  Who knows?  There probably
  won't be anything left.  Next thing you know the lights will go off.

The lights on the bridge blink out.  After a few second pause, they return.
When they DO return, we see Missy standing with her hands on her hips, glaring.

Zen:  Just kidding... HA!HA!HA!HA! Stop it!
			* * * * *
Bart:  Okay.  Where else could they be?  Hmm... Danny always wanted to see
  what the bridge looked like.... Oh no...

Bart picks up his equipment and the box containing the other Bacos and rushes
out of the room...only to find Missy standing there.

Bart:  I...uh...hmmm...
Midzor:  Joe, do you have something to tell me?
Bart:  Well, I....
Midzor:  It's okay, Joe.  You can tell me...
Bart:  I've been keeping some domesticated Bacos as pets...
Midzor:  Joe, that's against regulations...
Bart:  I know, but...anyway...my three favorites accidentally escaped and
  got into the engineering circuits.
Midzor:  So that explains it...
Bart:  But I've been trying to track them down!  I just found George, actually.
  Only Bonzo and Danny are still roaming loose.
Midzor:  Well, we'd better find them soon.
			* * * * *
Jez is awakened by sounds beyond the hearing range of a normal human.  He
looks around, then spots the tiny Bacos crawling across the arm of Crouton's
chair.

Jez:  Mrow!  Meow!  (Captain, there are Bacos on your chair!)
Crouton:  Where?

Jez reaches out and traps them under his mighty paw.  However, Bonzo is sly
and slips out and away.  Danny, not so smart, stays where he is.  It is at
this point that Midzor and Bartlett enter the bridge.

Crouton:  Missy, Jez just discovered two Bacos on my chair.

Bart rushes down to rescue Danny and puts him safely away in the box.

Bart:  Where's Bonzo?
Jez:  Mrow.  Blurp.  (Must have slipped away from me.)
Crouton:  What are you saying?  You've named them?
Bart:  Ummm...well...
Midzor:  They're pets, Captain.  He knows it's against regulations and is
  helping me find them.  We'll take care of disciplinary action later.
			* * * * *
Himle:  Himle to Croutonprize.  Himle to Croutonprize!  Karim, they're
  not responding...
Highlander:  F*** it!  I can take these alien bastards any day.
Himle:  Yeah, but 30 of them???
Highlander:  Okay, you take the 5 on the right. (starts swinging his katana)
			* * * * *
Wankoid:  Uh, oh.
Midzor:  Uh, oh, what?
Wankoid:  I think "Bonzo" has found the antimatter containment computer.
Midzor:  He could destroy the ship!  S***!
Bart:  Oh no....oh geez...I'm really sorry....I should've never brought
  them on board....oh no...
Midzor:  Stop fidgeting and start thinking!  What are we going to do?
Bart:  Hmmm....
Wankoid:  How about setting up an inverse polarity quantum field comparator?
Midzor:  That requires antimatter!
Wankoid:  Oh, yeah.
Midzor:  How about setting up a octopole duomagnetic flux zone?
Wankoid:  That'll kill the circuits for sure!
Bart:  Umm...how about a potassium solution, laced across the FRONT of
  the unit?
Wankoid:  Shouldn't hurt anything, but I don't see how it could help.
Bart:  Bonzo loves bananas, especially for the potassium.

Midzor and Bart rush down to the Chem labs to mix a potassium solution.
As they are returning, more red alert and other warning signs begin to
flash all over engineering.

Crouton (intercom):  Missy, I shall require a status report!
Missy:  One damn minute, Chris!

Missy pours the potassium solution into a small puddle in front of the
machine.  Bart waits with magnetic tweezers in hand.

Bart:  Maybe you two should step back.  He doesn't like strangers.

Bonzo rushes out to the potassium solution and right into Bart's tweezers.
Wankoid starts to rebuild the console as quickly as he can.

Missy:  Whew!  That was close.
Crouton (intercom):  Missy, where the hell is my status report?
Missy:  We're out of danger now.
			* * * * *
"Captain's Log, Supplemental:
     To the sadness of Ensign Bartlett, we have had to destroy his Bacos
in the cause of safety for both the Croutonprize and the planet Dresnel.
No further disciplinary action will be taken against him and I have given
him an hour of shore leave before we warp out of orbit.
     Meanwhile, Lt. Himle and Commander Highlander have been confined to
Sickbay until I can clear up the mess they got themselves in and until
their injuries heal.  Something about a blonde..."
			* * * * *
Bart steps off the Croutonizer pad, carrying a small bundle of fur in
his hands.

Taubman:  So, Bart, did you enjoy the trip?
Bartlett:  Yeah.  Did some shopping...
Taubman:  What's that in your hand?
Bartlett:  Oh, nothing.

Bart walks out of the room.  As soon as the doors close, he picks up
his tribble and pets it comfortingly.

Bart:  There, there, Ollie.  Everything will be all right.