STAR TREK: THE SUMMER GENERATION
EPISODES #33 - 36

Date: Wed, 13 Jun 90 12:37:19 MDT
From: himle@snoopy.Colorado.EDU (HIMLE MATTHEW SCOTT)
To: junk@typhoon.ucar.EDU
Subject: Matt's first episode.

la la, la la la la la, la, la la la lalala, la .... whos mission is to go
where no man has gone before...la la, la la Da DA DA DA DAAAA.

		"If you think it's butter..."

If you think it's butter, but it's not...
It's proably a new HVR product.


As the Croutonprize wraps up a mundane security patrol in sector omega-
tautron 344, an isolated sector that borders the crouton zone, the
Croutonprize comes across what appears to be a planatoid.  It is not
registered on the star chart, so we investigate.

Captain: Take us in for a closer look.

Himle: aye, sir.  E.T.A. 17 minutes.

--------- 2 minutes later ---------------

Himle: Sir, our E.T.A is now 14.2 minutes. I don't understand, we must have
       a malfunction. Initiating primary instrument check.

Captain: What are you babbling about Himle?

Himle: Sir, we are closing on proposed target ahead of schedule.

Captain: Midzor, are you tinkering with the engines again?

Mordred Lotson: Unlikely sir, stumbling is taking everything she's got.

Soraya: Sir, We are experiencing what appears to be an inordinately large
        gravitational pull from the planitoid.  At this distance the pull
        is incredable,  I recommend approaching with caution.

Captain: Signal Yellow Alert, Mr. Chuang.  Could you quantify 'incredable' Lt.
         It is difficult to make a decision with out quantified data.

Soraya: Yes Sir. Well, I would put it on the scale of a type 2 BLACK HOLE!

Highlander: Ah Bullshit, Initial scan indicated planetoid with 3,232 km
            radius.

Platt: Mr. Himle?

Himle:  ETA 12 minutes.

Platt: Stop us immediately, We will gather more data from here before
  proceeding further. Communications, inform Mad Bob of current status.

Himle: Sir, implemented dead stop procedure, but we are still closing on 
       planetoid.

Flieder: Or it is closing on us!  (chuckle)  
 
Soraya: Affirmative, The planetoid is moving toward us. 
      
Captain Crouton: OK, too much like doomsday, back us out the way we came.

Himle: backing away on course 135 mark 5, but the planetoid is closing.    

Jez: Sir, the planetiod is closing more quickly as we attempt to back away.

Himle: ETA 10.3 minutes under current conditions sir.

Captain: disengage engines. Analysis Soraya.

Soraya: I would appear that the HVR Empire is testing out a new screen used
        to mask black holes.  Its facade allows passers by to be trapped 
        before they perceive any danger.

Captain: Well Ian, what do you think?

Ian: Investigation using zen shows the facade to be comprised of a massless
     zero calorie, salad oil substitute which is used like a screen onto
     which images may be projected.  We can eliminate the facade with a 
     highly acidic vinegar and a little garlic, but we still must contend
     with our close proximity to the black hole.

Captain: Make it so.

Highlander ties in the food dispensers to the transporter and after a couple
of attempts at herb/vinegar mixtures, dissolves the facade.

THE main viewer reveals an ominous black hole.

Himle: sir, since we have under 5 minutes left, may I suggest that we have
       zen construct a recursive program to transport the transporter to
       a safer location where it can then transport the rest of the ship
       to it until we are located a safe distance away.

Highlander: Right Himle.

Captain: Additional suggestions are welcome.

Silence follows.

Zen: working.


Can Zen construct such a program? And in time? Will it be bug free enough?
Can DBX be implemented as the program is written? 

Tune in next century as I may let you know. 

----------------
Date: Thu, 14 Jun 90 18:22:09 -0600
From: zecca@tramp (Bjorn the BORG and Ernest BORGnine)
Subject: ST:TSG

The light comes to disturb the silent darkness of the Gretzkys' quarters.
Janet gets out of bed and stumbles toward the head.

Wayne (drowsily):  Janet, what's wrong?
Janet:  Nothing, go back to sleep.

Wayne tries to roll over and go back to sleep, but the combination of the
light beating down on his back and the retching he hears from the head
keep him from doing so.  He slowly gets up, stretching.  He catches Janet
in his arms as she nearly passes out as she stumbles out of the bathroom.

Wayne:  You're sick.  Let me call Dr. Flieder.
Janet:  She's pretty busy lately, Wayne.  Besides, I'm not sure she'd be
  able to do much for me.
Wayne:  Well, I have to do something for you.  What's wrong?  You haven't
  kept down a meal in three days.  You can barely walk.  I can't let you
  go on your shift like this.
Janet:  I'll go to Sick Bay in the morning, Wayne.  Okay?
Wayne:  All right.  I'll help you back to bed.
			* * * * *
Captain Crouton gets up.  He can't sleep.  Two hours seemed enough and now
he needs to do SOMETHING.  He quickly gets dressed and takes a walk.  Soon,
he finds himself in a turbolift.

Zen:  What level please?  What level please?  What level please?
Crouton:  Sickbay.
Zen:  That is not a level.  That is a room.  Do you want to specify a level
  or a room?
Crouton:  Take me to Sickbay, dammit.  I'm in no mood for this.
Zen:  Well, excuuuuse me for living.  Harumph.

The turbolift does nothing.

Crouton:  Zen, will you PLEASE take me to Deck 8, the level Sick Bay is on.
Zen:  Okay, if you put it that way.

Captain Crouton wanders into Sick Bay, which, pardon the pun, looks pretty
dead at the moment.  He wanders over toward Dr. Flieder's private lab.  He
presses the computer door chime.

Crouton:  Connie?  Are you still alive in there?

He waits a few minutes, then knocks.  He waits a little longer, then knocks
louder.  Finally, he gives up and walks out of Sick Bay.
			* * * * *

		"More Gretzkys, More Troubles"

Guest stars
	Janet Jones-Gretzky as Mrs. Gretzky
	Adam Nimoy as Dr. Benjamin Spock

Directed by John de Lancie
			* * * * *
"Captain's Log, Stardate 100197.2:
     We are exploring a very cold, dark nebulous region which we believe to
be highly concentrated with silicate dust.  Similar discoveries in our own
galaxy have led scientists to believe that this dust left-over from carbon
stars could be at least a significant portion of the so-called "Dark Matter"
that has been sought for centuries.  What is important about our current
mission is that the dust in this nebula appears to exist in a higher density
over a much vaster region of space than that previously encountered in our
own galaxy.  Lt. Cdr. Ghiasi and the science team will be responsible for
determining to what degree higher this dust concentration is."

Crouton:  Computer, large root beer, slightly chilled.

A slightly chilled mug of root beer appears in the food synthesizer slot in
the Captain's Ready Room.  Captain Crouton picks up the glass, takes a sip,
then walks out to the bridge.

Crouton:  Jez, I shall require my chair.
Jez (suddenly waking up):  Mrow.  Mrowp.  (Oops.  Sorry, Captain.)

Jez jumps off the Captain's chair and bounds up to the science stations.

Chuang:  Approaching within 10,000 km of the nebula now, Captain.
Crouton:  Full stop.  At Soraya's discretion, you may move in as close as
  2,000 km without further orders from me.
Chuang:  Okay, dude.

Captain Crouton raises an eyebrow at this comment, then shakes his head.

Highlander:  I do NOT understand the slang they come up with these days.
Crouton:  Neither do I, Number One.

The turbolift doors open and a disheveled Lt. Gretzky walks slowly onto the
bridge.  His hair is a mess, he has forgotten to shave, and his uniform looks
very wrinkled.

Crouton:  Lt. Gretzky, you're late.  What's wrong?
Gretzky:  Sorry, Captain.  My wife is very ill and I had to help her to
  Sickbay.  I'm very worried.
Crouton:  Well, things are pretty quiet at the moment.  Why don't you just
  take off your shift today.
Gretzky:  Uh, thanks, Captain.  I think it'll be okay though.
Crouton:  GO!...
Gretzky:  All right, Captain.  Thank you.

Gretzky stumbles back off the bridge.

Highlander:  He looked like S***.
Crouton:  No kidding.

Crouton swallows half the glass of root beer in one gulp.

Neon:  I sense great anguish, loneliness.
Crouton:  Please, Counselor.  I'm in no mood...
Neon:  Lay off the root beer, won't you, Captain?  Maybe Vanessa or I can
  help you?
Crouton:  Look, Counselor, if I wanted you nosing into my life, I'd ASK!!

Captain Crouton storms off the bridge and into the turbolift.

Neon:  I sense great anger.
Highlander:  No f***ing s***.
			* * * * *
Wayne enters Sickbay with a saddened look on his face.  He sees an unfamiliar
young Vulcan doctor duck into a side room, but does not see Janet anywhere.

Gretzky:  Anybody home?
Dr. Spock (poking his head out from the room):  She will be with you in a
  moment, Lieutenant.

After a short pause, Dr. Spock helps Janet walk back into the main Sickbay.
Commanders Kabeta and Tangent walk in just at this point.

Gretzky:  Are you all right, Janet?
Janet (beaming around nausea):  Wonderful, Wayne.
Gretzky:  So what was wrong with you?  Why have you been so sick?
Janet:  It's morning sickness, Wayne.
Gretzky:  Morning sick--??
Kabeta:  Congratulations.
Tangent:  Ooo, Wayne.  You Altairian mega-Rhino you.

Kabeta gives Tangent a hard stare.

Kabeta:  Chad, really!
Tangent:  What?  What?!?
			* * * * *
Avenger:  This is incredible.  Thus far, both times we've tried to have our
  wedding, the Kelvins have showed up to ruin it all.
T'Lilith:  Maybe we should just INVITE them.  Then they won't keep crashing
  the wedding.
Avenger:  Oh, now THERE's an idea.

T'Lilith looks out the window at the dark nebula looming before them.

T'Lilith:  Uh, didn't you want to be on the bridge when we got to the nebula?
Avenger (opening his eyes):  Oh, yeah.  Are we already there??
			* * * * *
The door chimes once.  The door chimes twice.  The door chimes thrice.

Crouton:  Come in...

Counselor Neon steps carefully into the Captain's Ready Room and the
door shuts quietly behind him.

Neon:  Captain, are you all right?  I sensed great hostility...

Crouton swallows a full glass of root beer and places the empty glass on
his desk.

Crouton:  I just don't know any more.
Neon:  Maybe you should take a short vacation...have you been on the
  Holodeck lately?
Crouton:  Where would I go?  What would I do?
Neon:  Completely up to you, as long as it's AWAY.
Crouton:  I'll think about it.
Ghiasi (intercom):  Chris, we've found something interesting...
Crouton:  I'll be right out.

Captain Crouton and Counselor Neon reenter the bridge.  The captain walks
up to the science stations, where Admiral Avenger is doing a cross-check
of Soraya's readings on Science Station 4.

Avenger:  Those iron levels are DEFINITELY too high.
Crouton:  What's up?
Ghiasi:  We've been doing a spectroscopic scan for chemical concentrations
  of the nebula.  While we are definitely detecting the expected amounts of
  Mg2SO4 and Fe2SO4, we're also detecting a large amount of pure iron which
  should NOT be there.
Crouton:  What do you mean, should not be there?
Avenger:  There is no natural phenomena to explain the existence of more
  than a miniscule amount of such iron floating freely, yet this nebula
  has concentrations of the order 10^10 higher than the iron ore you might
  find in a cave on Earth.
Crouton:  What does it all mean?
Ghiasi:  We have no idea.
			* * * * *
Gretzky:  Captain, I should go with them.
Crouton:  Absolutely not.
Gretzky:  What if there is trouble?
Crouton:  Then I'd rather have you here, managing ship's tactical.  Look,
  Wayne, I know you mean well, but I gave you the day off and you're going
  to take it.
Gretzky:  Oh, all right.

Captain Crouton enters Shuttle Bay 1.  The doors close behind him on a
puzzled Lt. Gretzky.  Waiting in the Shuttle Bay are Soraya, Jez, Wankoid,
Ensign Savan, and Lt. Chuang.  Chuang and Wankoid are hauling the last of
the science equipment aboard the shuttlecraft _Pepto Bismol_.

Crouton:  Now, I don't want you to take too long out there.  I have a
  bad feeling about this.  Just get the information you need and get back
  here.
Chuang:  All right!  Don't have a cow, Captain!

Crouton shakes his head again.  He opens his mouth to speak, then stops.

Crouton:  Get going.
			* * * * *
The _Pepto Bismol_ moves gracefully away from the _Croutonprize_ and toward
the outer boundary of the nebula.

Ghiasi (subspace):  Okay, we're getting some really good readings here.
Avenger:  All being downloaded directly into the science stations back here.
  This is incredible!
Ghiasi (subspace):  Hmm, this is curious.
Chuang (subspace):  Captain, I'm getting some strange sensor readings.
Crouton:  Himle, what do you see?

Suddenly, a large Kelvin vessel pops out of the nebula, hovering directly
and menacingly over the lone shuttlecraft.

Crouton:  Taubman, croutonize them back here now!  Forget the shuttlecraft!
Zen:  < RED ALERT >  < RED ALERT >  Cold War in progress.  < RED ALERT >
Himle:  Their forward weapons bank has been armed...and locked on the
  shuttlecraft!  They're ignoring us completely!
Crouton:  Taubman, do you have them yet???

The _Pepto Bismol_ is pulverized in a split-second.
			* * * * *
The Croutonizer strains to recroutonize the four shapes it managed to lock
onto before the shuttle was destroyed.

Crouton (intercom):  Taubman, do you have them yet?
Taubman:  I managed to get four traces, Captain.  I'm still trying to reel
  them in.
Crouton (intercom):  Four?  There were five on board!
Taubman:  I know, Captain.  I'm sorry, but it's all I could do!

First Wankoid, then Chuang, then Savan, and finally Soraya recroutonize
onto the pads.

Wankoid:  Good work, Lieutenant.  We almost didn't make it.
Chuang:  How is the shuttlecraft?
Taubman:  We lost it..

Soraya looks around the room.  Her eyes widen with fear.

Ghiasi:  Where's Jez?  Where is my kitty?
			* * * * *
Crouton:  Let's get the hell out of here!
Highlander:  Himle, step on it.  Jolt-Factor 6.

The Croutonprize makes a sharp turn and bolts from the area.

Crouton:  I will be in the Croutonizer room.  Number One, you have the conn.
  Counselor, will you join me?
			* * * * *
Ghiasi:  Where is my kitty???

The doors open and a solemn Captain Crouton and Counselor Neon enter.

Ghiasi:  Chris, where is he?
Crouton:  I'm...I'm sorry, Soraya...We weren't able to save him.
Ghiasi:  JEZ!!!!!!!!!!

----------------
Date: Tue, 19 Jun 90 01:22:52 -0600
From: zecca@tramp (Admiral Avenger)
Subject: ST:TSG (LONG)

"Second Officer's Log, Stardate 100202.3:
     Captain Crouton's continuing depression since the loss of Jez the Wonder
Kitty is taking a toll on the morale of the crew.  Admiral Avenger has ordered
him into Sickbay for a full physical while leaving Commander Highlander in
temporary command.
     Lt. Cdr. Ghiasi is still in mourning for her lost cat.  Counselor Neon
and Vanessa are doing their best to help her through a difficult time, but
all their efforts seem to do little for the Captain's condition."

Highlander:  Status report.
Gaz:  En route to the Niva Triobe system at Jolt-Factor 3.  ETA 32.7 minutes.
Highlander:  Call me at Ten Forward at 3 minutes ETA and take the conn in the
  meantime.
Gaz:  Acknowledged.

Highlander leaves the bridge.  The ship shudders, knocking Gaz to his feet.
< FLASH >  Gaz reappears, standing behind Chuang.

Zen:  < RED ALERT > < RED ALERT > < RED ALERT >
Chuang:  Sorry about that, sir.  I must have taken us too close to a dense
  Oort cloud.  They can act as galactic speed bumps if you come into contact
  with a large enough fragment.
Gaz:  Well, be more careful.
Zen:  < NEVER MIND > < NEVER MIND > < NEVER MIND >
			* * * * *
In Ten Forward, Highlander stands at the bar, synthetholic beer all over his
uniform, glass still in hand.  Mordred ducks behind the counter.  Other
crewmembers around the lounge decide to take similar courses of action.

Highlander:  F***!!!!!!!!!!
			* * * * *

		"The Captain's New Eyes"

Guest stars
	Peter Davison as Dr. Whormley
	Jose Canseco as Kumbir
	Theresa E. Victor

			* * * * *
Crouton enters Sickbay, where Taubman has his arm in an electro-knitter at
the hands of Dr. Whormley.

Whormley:  You really need to be more careful.  Just because the Holodeck
  has certain protection programs doesn't mean you can't hurt yourself.
Taubman:  This didn't happen on the Holodeck.
Whormley:  Well, where DID it happen?
Taubman:  Ten Forward.

Whormley notices the captain and finishes with the knitter.

Whormley:  Be with you in a moment, Captain.  (to Taubman)  YOU'd better stay
  clear of the first officer in the future then.  Back to your post...
Taubman:  Thanks, Doctor.
Whormley:  Captain Crouton, how can I help you?
Crouton:  Where is Doctor Flieder?
Whormley:  Unavailable at the moment, I'm afraid.  (pauses, then reaches into
  his jacket pocket)  Care for a piece of celery?
Crouton:  No.  That will be all, Doctor.  (turns to leave)
Whormley:  Not so fast, Captain.  Tsk. Tsk. Tsk.  Connie warned me you'd be
  a stubborn one.
			* * * * *
Zen:  Incoming mail pod from Star Fleet Command.
Gretzky:  Anything special?
Zen:  Please define 'special.'
Gretzky:  Any messages coded for command personnel?
Zen:  There is one message for Admiral Avenger and Captain Crouton.
Gretzky:  Admiral.
T'Lilith (ic):  Yes, Lieutenant?
Gretzky:  Actually I was looking for your h--  I mean your f--  I mean--
T'Lilith (ic):  I'll get him.
Avenger (ic):  What's up, Wayne?
Gretzky:  Coded message for you and Captain Crouton in the latest mail pod.
Avenger (ic):  Well, pipe it down to my office computer and I'll deal with
  it in due course.  Let's let the captain finish in Sickbay first, shall we?
			* * * * *
Whormley:  Well, the usual things check out.  Now let's do the vision check.
Crouton:  Shouldn't we bring in an opthamologist?
Whormley:  My primary training was in opthamology, Captain.  That's why
  Admiral Avenger requested me for your physical.
Crouton:  That little--
Whormley:  And the fact that you didn't know that begins to tell me something
  about your vision already.
Crouton:  All right.  Get on with it.
			* * * * *
Turbolift doors open and Commander Highlander steps onto the bridge.  Ensign
Savan helps Lt. Cdr. Wankoid at Science Station 2.  Counselor Neon's chair is
occupied by Commander Kabeta.  Gaz snaps his fingers < FLASH > disappearing
from the Captain's chair and reappearing next to Gretzky at the tactical
station.  Himle and Chuang pull the Croutonprize out of warp.

Himle (to Chuang):  Are we there yet?  Are we there yet?
Highlander:  Well, here we are.  (takes a deep breath)
Gaz:  You seem relaxed, Commander.
Highlander:  Well, I had a WONDERful time in Ten Forward.  Had to change
  my uniform though.
Kabeta:  I hope you don't mind my observing, Commander.
Highlander:  Not at all.  Why, though?
Kabeta:  There's been some talk of promotion if I can get myself ready for
  the field again.  I figured sitting in on bridge activity might help.
  The desk job is NOT the place to learn about command.
Savan:  Long range sensors detect a G5 and a G4 yellow dwarf in a binary
  coupling.  Eleven planets.  Five terrestrial, one asteroid belt, three
  gas giant, one asteroid belt, three icy terrestrial.
Highlander:  Let's do some mapping from here, then move in for flybys of
  each world.
			* * * * *
Whormley:  Well, Captain, I think I've discovered at least part of your
  problem.
Crouton:  And just what is that?
Whormley:  First of all, why do you wear glasses?  Retinax 11...
Crouton:  I am allergic to Retinax.  So is Admiral Avenger.  That's why we
  stick to the old-fashioned things.
Whormley:  Aha.  Well, when was the last time you had your prescription
  changed?
Crouton:  I don't know.  A year.  Two years?
Whormley (eyebrow raised):  Interesting.  Hmm.  I'm going to have to run
  some more tests, I think.
Crouton:  What's wrong?
Whormley:  You've had some major degeneration since your last prescription.
  You are suffering from excessive eye strain, beside the usual strains of
  command.  Getting you new glasses should help.  A vacation would help more.
Crouton:  Why the extra tests?
Whormley:  I want to know exactly WHY you have degenerated so much in such a
  short period of time.  There could be a more serious problem underneath.
			* * * * *
Lt. Gretzky approaches Holodeck 3 with his favorite hockey stick.

Gretzky:  Zen, prepare workout program, code Gretzky3-24A.
Zen:  If I must.  Harumph.

Admiral T'Lilith approaches, dressed in Klingon battle armor and carrying
a Vulcan ahn woon.

Gretzky:  Oh, Admiral T'Lilith.  I'm sorry.  Here, you can--
T'Lilith:  No, Lieutenant, you were here first.
Gretzky:  I must insist.
T'Lilith:  I have an idea.  Would you care to join me in a workout?
Gretzky:  You?  I...don't know.  I...
T'Lilith:  Are you scared to fight me because I am female, because I am
  Klingon, or because of my rank?
Gretzky:  A little of all of it, I think.
T'Lilith:  I'll go easy on you.  In the meantime, forget my rank and my gender.
  You SHOULD be scared to be facing a Klingon, but a Vulcan is just as
  formidable a foe.
Gretzky:  Well...all right...
			* * * * *
Savan:  Early mapping scan complete.
Highlander:  All right.  Chuang, take us in close.  We'll start from the
  closest planet to the suns and work our way out.  Jez, can you give us
  minimal shielding in case of solar flares?

The entire bridge goes quiet until Highlander realizes his mistake.

Highlander:  Oh, F***.  Sorry.  Gaz, give me some shields.

< FLASH > A variety of bucklers and crusader shields appear around the
captain's station.  Gaz giggles.  Kabeta chuckles.

Highlander:  Grrr....
Gaz:  Oh, all right.  < FLASH > (the shields disappear)
			* * * * *
Whormley:  Well, nothing too serious shows up on my scanners.  Must just be
  overworking yourself AND your eyes.  RELAX, Captain.  You need it more than
  anybody on board.
Crouton:  Why do I get the feeling I've heard this before?
Whormley:  Well, let me get those new glasses together for you and we can
  give them a test drive in a couple of minutes.  You just sit tight here.

Whormley walks into a side lab.  Crouton walks up to the food synthesizer.

Crouton:  Rootbeer, large mug, slightly chilled.
Zen:  I am sorry.  You do not have access to that selection.
Crouton:  What do you MEAN I don't have access?
Whormley (calling from the lab):  I forgot to tell you.  No root beer until
  you've had a good vacation.  Doctor's orders.
Crouton:  But I am the captain.
Whormley:  Admiral's orders as well.
Crouton:  Harumph.  Zen, tea, L-grey.
			* * * * *
T'Lilith:  Aaaaaaarrrhhh!  (swings ahn woon and slices the lizard man across
  the chest)

Gretzky hefts his hockey stick, then hits the skeletal humanoid across the
face and to the ground.  An apelike creature leaps out of a tree onto his
back.

T'Lilith:  You having fun yet?  Reaaarrr! (swings again, knocking the spikey
  club out of the lizard man's hands)
Gretzky:  Oh, lovely.
			* * * * *
Commander Kabeta monitors the long range sensors from the Counselor's armrest.
Highlander paces nervously.

Kabeta:  Bored, Commander?
Highlander:  Well, these kinds of missions ARE boring.
Kabeta:  Would you like for me to take over?
Highlander:  Actually, that doesn't sound--
Zen: < RED ALERT > < RED ALERT > < RED ALERT >
Kabeta:  I'm picking up a Hidden Valley Rancher.  It was hidden behind the
  second gas giant.
Highlander:  F***!  (taps com panel)  Gretzky to the bridge!  Battle stations!
			* * * * *
Crouton:  Sorry, Doctor.  Duty calling.

Crouton runs out of the Sickbay in the direction of the bridge.

Whormley:  But Captain--!!  (taps com panel)  Sickbay to Admiral Avenger.
			* * * * *
Highlander:  Evasive, Mr. Himle.  Gaz, arm all weapons.
Kabeta:  Aren't you being a bit aggressive about this?

The HVR ship races past them, firing phasers as it passes.  They bounce
harmlessly off the screens, but the ship still rocks in response.

Highlander:  Does that answer your question?

Turbolift doors open.  Gretzky races out and replaces Gaz at tactical.
Crouton runs down the ramp.

Crouton:  Status report.
Kabeta:  Captain, aren't you supposed to be in Sickbay?
Crouton:  Status report!
Highlander:  HVR ship attacking.  No positive ID yet.
Gretzky:  We are being hailed.
Crouton:  On screen, if you please.
Kumbir:  This is Commander Q. Kumbir of the Aye-Karum-Bah class cruiser
  _C Throo_.  You are violating Hidden Valley Rancher territory.
Crouton:  This is Captain Crouton of the Federation starship _Croutonprize_.
  I did not know the Empire HAD any territory in this galaxy.
Kumbir:  We do NOT have to obtain permission from the Federation to annex
  territory.
Crouton:  Oh, now I wouldn't say that.
Kumbir:  I had heard your Federation was weak, but I did not realize that
  you allowed women on the bridge!  Who is the "chickie"?
Kabeta (ANGRY):  Rrrrr...
Highlander:  Grrrr....

Gaz's fingers move close to a snapping position.

Crouton:  Commander, perhaps you should be less a chauvanist.  My bridge
  crew is about ready to kill you.
Kumbir:  What, over a stupid female?
Zen:  That does it.

Three Crouton torpedoes smash into the Ranchers' screens, knocking them down.
The saucer section phaser banks then fire, crippling the _C Throo_'s engines.

Crouton:  Thank you, Zen.  But that shall be enough.
Kabeta:  Now get the hell out of our system, Commander!

The _C Throo_ turns and limps out of the system.

Kabeta:  Thank you, Zen.  (to Crouton)  Now about you returning to Sickbay...

Turbolift doors open and T'Lilith storms in, glaring at the viewscreen.
Dr. Whormley meekly follows her.

T'Lilith:  I'll kill him.  Let me at the phasers.
Kabeta:  It's all right, Lilith.  We handled it just fine.
Whormley:  Captain, we're not finished...
Crouton:  That's okay, Doctor.  I'm feeling a little better now.  Letting a
  chauvanist have it seems to be an invigorating experience.
Whormley:  NOW, Captain.

Crouton stands in place.  T'Lilith, needing to get her frustrations out on
somebody, picks up Captain Crouton in a fireman's carry and hauls him off
the bridge.

Crouton (as the turbolift doors close):  You have the conn, Number One.
			* * * * *
Captain Crouton walks into Admiral Avenger's office and sits down glumly in
a chair opposite the desk.  He folds his arms and sits stiffly.  Avenger walks
in a minute later, sits in his chair, pulls a bag of popcorn out of a drawer
in his desk, then puts his feet up on the desk.  Crouton adjusts his new
glasses, which are sliding down his nose slightly.

Avenger:  They look good on you.  Really.
Crouton:  Harumph.

Avenger begins the coded message.  The image of a middle-aged woman in
Admiral's uniform fills the screen.

Victor:  Star Fleet will be sending you a third ship within the week, pending
  refit completion.  Captain "Boom-Boom" Loesch and the _Comatose_ will make
  contact with you upon their arrival.  Please notify Captain Chow as well.
Crouton (sipping his tea):  Well, we should be better able to handle a Kelvin
  threat now.  And, of course, the Ranchers are beginning to act up again.
Victor:  Admiral Avenger will continue to serve as regional commander.
  Commodore Bradford shall now act as vice-commander.  Captain Crouton will
  be next in the command chain, followed by Captains Chow and Loesch, until
  a more permanent base and command structure is set up there in the galaxy.
Avenger:  Thanks for the vote of confidence, Theresa.

The Admiral tosses a handful of popcorn at the screen.

Victor:  Admiral Theresa E. Victor, Stardate 100198.1, out.
Avenger:  Well, Chris?  How do you like being able to see again?
Crouton:  Well...actually, it is kind of nice.
Avenger:  Look, it wasn't your fault.  Jez was a good officer, but there was
  no more you could have done.  We all face this at some time or another as
  starship commanders.  You'll get over it.
Crouton:  I sure hope so.

Crouton looks across the room at an old baseball card in a frame on the wall.

Crouton:  Kirby Puckett.  Minnesota Twins...
Avenger:  Damn, they really DID fix your vision, didn't they?  I thought I
  was the only one that could do that.
Crouton (smiling suddenly):  Maybe you're right...

----------------
Date: Sun, 24 Jun 90 00:33:14 -0600
From: zecca@tramp (Bo knows Croutons)
Subject: Read this ST:TSG!

The castle stands out in the cold, rainy darkness, a glistening example of
the beauty of technology mixed with a deep respect for aesthetics.  While
the technology matches that of 23rd Century Earth, the feel is more of the
13th Century.  The two dark moons peek through breaks in the clouds, while
lightning occasionally flashes to give us a full picture of the castle.

In the King's honor chamber, a hush comes over the large crowd assembled as
the King, the Queen, and their main advisors enter.  They slowly walk up the
hallway to the thrones and chairs assembled at the head of the hallway.

King:  Welcome, fellow citizens.  We are gathered here today to honor he who
  has helped us to repel the invaders.
Queen:  Without his prior knowlege of the invaders' tactics and without his
  prowess and skill, we may not have survived this ordeal.
King:  Would he who we are here to honor please step forward now.

A small shape, encased in a black 21st Century battlesuit, with a disruptor
rifle slung over one shoulder, moves forward to the center audience.

The King draws out his ceremonial sword from the Ancient Times, and gently
taps each shoulder of the lone warrior in turn.

King:  Most noble warrior, in the traditions of our ancestors, in honor of
  the help you have given us, I dub thee...

Another hush comes over the thousands gathered in and around the castle,
and to those watching on large televiewers across the planet.

King:  ...our Black Knight...

A cheer across the planet drowns out the king's remaining words.  The Queen
steps forward and kisses the face shield of the Black Knight's battlesuit.
Generals, Admirals, various civic leaders pass by, patting him on the arm
and praising him fully.

King (smiling):  And now, citizens, let the festivities begin...
			* * * * *

		"The Black Knight Returns"

Guest star
	Mary Tamm

Special guest star:
	Sean Connery as the King

			* * * * *
"Captain's Log, Stardate 100237.8:
     Daily life on the _Croutonprize_ is beginning to return to normal as we
slowly adjust to the absence of Jez the Wonder Kitty.  Soraya is still not
taking it so well, but is slowly improving.  I have given her the option of
taking her shifts until she is over her loss.  Counselor Neon and Vanessa
are helping immensely.
     Meanwhile, we are continuing to explore the Ilio Triobe system.  Long
range probes launched by the _Chivalier_ indicated an intelligent species
with a highly technological civilization on the fourth planet."

Crouton sips at his root beer and moves his rook.

Crouton:  Take that, your Admiralship.
Avenger:  Oh, going to use the Crouton Maneuver on me, eh?  Fresh fruit's
  not good enough for you...
Frechette:  Captain...
Crouton:  Not now, Lieutenant.

Avenger moves his bishop.  Crouton takes another sip.

Crouton:  Damn.
Frechette:  Captain, it's kind of important...

Crouton moves his pawn.  Avenger scratches his beard and pulls out a hair
from the top of his head.  He suddenly moves his own rook and grins.

Avenger:  Check and mate, mon capitan.
Crouton:  ARRGH.
Frechette:  Captain, I've been thinking about Jez.
Crouton:  Haven't we all?
Frechette:  That's not what I meant.  I've been thinking...isn't it obvious
  he was aboard the Kelvin ship when the shuttle was destroyed?
Avenger:  I wouldn't say that to Soraya if I were you.
Frechette:  So all we have to do is find the Kelvins and get him back...
Crouton:  It's not as easy as that.  But your idea has merit.  Thank you for
  bringing it to my attention.

Frechette wanders off, deep in thought.
			* * * * *
Messenger:  Your Highness, a message from Planetary Defenses.
King:  Speak, son.
Messenger:  A large vessel has been detected entering our system from beyond
  the twelfth planet.
King:  Alert the Black Knight and bring the Planetary Defense Force to
  Yellow Alert.  Let's do our best to keep this from the general populace.
Messenger:  Yes, sir.

The messenger leaves and the Queen enters.

Queen:  Husband, what is troubling you?
King:  Another invader has been spotted.  I do not know how long we will be
  able to last if they continue to attack us...
Queen:  He will help us.
King:  Yes, but he is not invincible.  He is but a member of a more advanced
  culture than our own.
			* * * * *
Zen:  < RED ALERT > < RED ALERT > < RED ALERT >

Turbolift opens to the bridge and Captain Crouton steps out, half-finished
root beer in hand.

Crouton:  Status report, if you please, Number One.
Highlander:  Twelve vessels similar in power to our old _Constitution_-class
  in high orbit around the fourth planet.  Three more moving toward us at
  impulse power.
Crouton:  Hail the vessels, if you please, Mr. Gretzky.  Mr. Chuang, plot a
  non-agressive intercept course, 1/4 impulse power.  Mr. Himle, lower
  the shields until further notice.
Gretzky:  Contact has been established, Captain.
Crouton:  On screen, if you please.  (takes a sip of his root beer)
Captain:  Identify yourselves and your intentions.
Crouton:  This is Captain Crouton of the starship _Croutonprize_.  We are on
  a peaceful mission from the United Federation of Planets, a --

The sound is suddenly cut off, as the alien captain turns with a look of
surprise to his executive officers.  After some consultation, he returns.

Captain:  I apologize for the delay, Captain.  Please allow us to escort your
  vessel to our planet.
Crouton (aside):  This is a surprise, Number One.
Highlander:  What the F*** are they up to?
			* * * * *
The away team croutonizes just outside the gates to the castle.  Thousands
of people swarm around them in an extremely festive mood.  Lt. Cdr. Zenador
looks around curiously.

Zenador:  Fascinating.  A 23rd Century society that retains a constitutional
  monarchy of sorts.
Highlander:  Let's go see the King.

They move toward the castle gate.  Soraya pulls out her tricorder and runs
a series of scans.  Ensign Jen-L runs medical scans of the natives.  Lt.
Gretzky keeps a close eye on things, but does NOT remove his phaser from
his uniform.

Guard:  Halt.  Security clearance code?
Highlander:  We are the away team from the starship _Croutonprize_.  Your
  leaders requested our presence.
Guard:  One moment please.  (goes to a small viewscreen and calls his superior)
Highlander (aside, to Gretzky):  Paranoid, aren't they?
Gretzky:  Yes.  I don't like the looks of those swords.
Guard:  You have been granted passage, but you must first check your weapons.
  Then I shall lead you to the King's conference room.

Gretzky reluctantly relinquishes his phaser.  The rest of the party relinquish
their phasers.

Guard:  And the sword.
Highlander:  Family heirloom.  I can't part with it.
Guard:  Harumph...  (tap tap tap tap tap)

Highlander stares down the guard for a good three minutes.  Finally...

Guard:  Oh, all right.  I admire that kind of spirit.
			* * * * *
Mordred finishes stacking glasses when Lt. Frechette walks past the bar for
the fifty-ninth time in the last eighty-three minutes.

Mordred:  Something on your mind?
Frechette (stopping in mid-track and mid-thought):  I am SURE Jez the Wonder
  Kitty was kidnapped by the Kelvins.  By now, it's probably too late, but
  I have this peculiar feeling.
Mordred:  Wanna tell me about it?
			* * * * *
Zenador (ic):  They have a constitutional monarchy on a 23rd Century techno-
  logical level.  Apparently, every 10 years, they elect a new King and Queen,
  both of which must be free of familial relations before the election and
  who become married upon taking office.  Very interesting system.  It will
  require further study.
Crouton:  That is what you are down there for, Lieutenant Commander.
Gretzky (ic):  Security checks out fine, Captain.  His Highness appears
  eager to meet you.
Crouton:  I will be down in a moment.  Out.  (punches button)  Taubman,
  prepare to croutonize me down to the away team's coordinates. (to Gaz)
  Randy, take the conn.  Himle, with me.
Himle:  I get to go on away team duty?  Oh boy!
			* * * * *
Crouton, Himle, and Kabeta croutonize into a large chamber in the castle.
Zenador is frantically typing cultural data into his laplink to Daaaaaave
while Soraya and Jen-L continue scans.  Gretzky greets the captain while
Highlander converses with the King.

King:  You have a fine sword, Commander.  Excellent craftsmanship.  (shifts
  Highlander's sword in his hand)  Good weighting.
Highlander:  Your sword is a beauty though, Your Highness.  An old one, too,
  if I'm not mistaken.
King:  Over three thousand years, from what I understand.
Crouton:  Incredible.
King:  Oh, hello.  You must be Captain Crouton.  (trades back swords with
  Highlander and extends a hand to the captain)  The sword is a trapping of
  office, handed down upon each election.
Kabeta:  Your Highness, we have come to offer our friendship and the
  possiblity of trade agreements and/or membership in our United Federation
  of Planets.  It would --
Queen (entering):  You may dispense with the sales pitch.  We are quite
  interested in joining you, in fact.
Himle:  So quickly?
Queen:  We also seek friendship.  And we have had some other difficulties
  that we thought you would be able to help with...
Crouton:  But don't you want to hear out WHAT we have to offer you.
King:  Oh, I can assure you, Captain.  We KNOW what you have to offer.  That
  is why we want your help.
Kabeta:  How do you know this?
King:  Our Black Knight told us all about you.  He was instrumental in saving
  our planet from a recent Kelvin attack.  We are afraid they will return in
  force this time.
Crouton:  Black Knight?  How would this Black Knight know...?

Suddenly, the main doors to the chamber open and the crew are startled by a
black 21st Century battlesuit making its way in.  Crouton is unsure what to
do or say until the battlesuit stops 4 feet in front of him.

Crouton:  The Black Knight, I presume?

Suddenly, the faceplate of the battlesuit is slid back, revealing another,
much smaller, black shape underneath, who leaps out and runs up to Soraya,
rubbing contentedly against her leg.

Soraya:  JEZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  You're alive!!!!!!!!!!  My kitty!!!!!
Jez (as Soraya picks him up):  Meow.  MRoW.  Rowp.  PuRR.  (I am glad to
  see you too.)
Crouton:  What a relief!  (to the King and Queen)  We thought him dead.
King:  So he told us you would believe, but he is a talented survivor.
Queen:  In the meantime, perhaps we can discuss Federation membership...
Kabeta:  By all means.
			* * * * *
"Captain's Log, Stardate 100241.2:
     We have completed an application for Federation membership by the
government of Ilio Triobe IV, or Camelot, as some of the bridge crew
have fondly called it.  We will need to keep a sharper eye out for Kelvins
in the future, both for our sakes and for the protection of Camelot.
     All aboard (except perhaps Mordred) are glad to see Jez the Wonder Kitty
alive and back on board.  His new title as the Black Knight of Camelot,
and the high-powered battlesuit he wishes to wear on landing party duty
in the future, show that he is not the same Wonder Kitty we left for dead
a few weeks ago.  It IS good to have him back though.
     Unfortunately, Jez's involvement on Camelot DOES raise questions about
the Prime Directive, a point Admiral Avenger has not given me a chance to
forget.  While I don't think the Admiral thinks Jez is guilty of Prime
Directive violations, the nature of the situation DOES require the Admiral
to do a lengthy analysis and report on the subject.  He is not pleased by
the suddenly increased workload due to this report.  C'est la vie."