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STAR TREK: THE SUMMER GENERATION
EPISODES #41 - 54
Date: Sun, 22 Jul 90 20:16:47 EDT
From: shectman%husc4@harvard.harvard.edu (Nicholas Shectman)
Subject: ST:TSG "Hazy Daze"
Last week on the all-crunchy summer generation of STAR TREK,
"Hazy Daze"
In which phi takes the shuttlecraft DC-9 "Northwest Airlines" to Dallas
for the weekend for no apparent reason except to enjoy the better weather
there, and because 'EVERYBODY'S DOING IT'
---------------
Date: Sun, 22 Jul 90 20:21:03 EDT
From: shectman%husc4@harvard.harvard.edu (Nicholas Shectman)
Subject: ST:TSG "Blueshift"
Next week on the first half of a cliff-hanger episode of
STAR TREK: the drivel generation,
"Blueshift"
phi disappears in the shuttlecraft "Blueshift". No one knows where he has
gone, except fo Jez the Wonder kitty, who just says "Meow. Mrowp". All
attempts at translation just come up with "Meow. Mrowp", but Daaaaaave
mentions something about attempts at warp speed in a shuttlecraft before
crashing while trying to play chess with itself. Will phi be found?
Will he find America? Will he call when he gets there? Stay tuned!
---------------
Date: Mon, 23 Jul 90 01:37:02 -0600
From: zecca@tramp (Loqutus of Borg)
To: junk@typhoon.ucar.EDU
Subject: ST:TSG
Star Trek: The Summer Generation
"Too Short an Episode"
Special Guest Star
Frank Gorshin as Mr. Sandman
Directed by Adam West
"Admiral's Log, Stardate 100364.7:
Everything is calm on board right now and I am going to sleep."
---------------
Date: Mon, 23 Jul 90 02:56:42 -0600
From: harvey@tramp (D'Arc Tangent)
To: junk@typhoon.ucar.EDU
Subject: My Episode for the summer.
Next time on an exciting, thrilling, chilling, mind boggling, and otherwise
totally boring episode of:
Star Trek: The "getting soggy in all the rain" Generation!
"The Missing Weekend"
Everyone sits around waiting for everyone else to speak up first on the
bridge, as the lights go out, the kitty gets lost, and various people go
away. More specifially, Commander Tangent wonders if rain is going to
follow him everywhere, cause that's one reason he left Syracuse.
Real exciting, huh?
Commander Tangent
---------------
Date: Mon, 23 Jul 90 11:19:52 MDT
From: zecca_m%cubldr@spot.ucar.EDU (Kris 'T'Lilith' Coulter)
To: junk@spot
Subject: ST:TSG; Re: Hey!
All right, here's your (slightly >) 3-line format:
"Fleatrap"
All is calm aboard the _Croutonprize_. Too calm. In fact,
everyone is either too stressed out to talk to anyone else or bored
out of his/her mind. Except for Highlander, who for no really good
reason has decided to crash-land on a barren moon and run around risking
his life for an unbelievably-well-cryogenically-preserved Atlantis-era
woman who just happened to avoid being salvaged for spare parts by
self-adapting cyborgs for umpteen thousand years while absolutely
everyone else on her planet bit the dust...naturally taking the wise
path and deciding to seduce her inside the tent while the killer robots
stand outside licking their chops.
Fortunately, at this point, Karim decides that the pay isn't
worth the part and destroysthe robots' home base by burning it up with
the old American flag as useful kindling (using some handy type-M
atmosphere that the special effects crews throw in as an illogical
plot device) after discovering that the "robots" were in fact the
scriptwriters for this Godawful movie and that the producers were
trying to ruin his future Hollywood career by switching in William
Shatner as the new director after the old one quit in disgust.
The End.
casting suggestions:
Val Kilmer as Karim/Highlander
Madonna as The Sex Object
---------------
Date: Mon, 23 Jul 90 18:41:05 EDT
From: donaghey%husc8@harvard.harvard.edu (Thomas Donaghey)
To: junk@typhoon.ucar.EDU
Subject: ST:TSG
Star Trek: The Summer Generation
"A Cry from the Void"
Special Guest Star:
A Large Ball of Unidentifiable Dripping Blue Stuff
Directed by Voorj Himentrurg
Action:
The crew are sitting around one afternoon relaxing in the mess hall and
recovering from a particularly virulent lunch, when a strange sound deafens
the air (and hurts people's ears as well). General Pandemonium ensues, but
he is discovered by Admiral Bedequed-ouithmedellz and told to leave at once.
Two minor guards wearing those infamous red suits are discovered moaning in
a corner and are discovered to have been driven mad by the noise.
After a short time during which General Hysteria reigns (via a coup-de
chicken), it is discovered that the noise is coming from Sector ZZ9 Plural
Z Alpha (according to Daaaaaaaave, who is looking a little frazzled), and
Everything-under-the-sun Kabeta opines that the ship had better "hie itself
hence" to the vicinity of the noise in order to find some way of stopping it.
Daaaaaaaave attempts this maneuver and discovers it to be impossible, so the
ship proceeds at warp speed to the source of the noise. The Ship's Doctor
almost runs out of earplugs on the journey, and it is discovered that one of
the insane redsuited guards has built himself a fort out of the remaining
earplugs.
After a somewhat unpalatable dinner, the ship arrives at the source of the
disturbing noise. It seems to be a sort of Space Infant which is bawling its
--well, something-- off. (The --well, something-- is due to the fact that it
bears a significant resemblance to the planet Jupiter; however, there is a
new tooth in the Red Spot and an odd structure on the other side of the Infant.
Close examination discovers the structure to be the planetary equivalent of
a very very very wet diaper, and a part of the ship is accidentally dipped in
a somewhat unpleasant blue matter leaking out of the edge. A probe is launched,
its members wearing ear- and noseplugs and clutching short straws angrily,
which succeeds in disengaging the cosmic diaper and removing it to the
vicinity of the ship. Daaaaaaaaaave researches through his data banks and
discovers that the diaper would be best cleaned by passage through a methane
cloud ("although the Permanent Press cycle would be helpful, in this case it
would be tricky. Fnord.") A methane cloud at this point attacks the ship from
behind; lights flash and so do a few hysterical crewpeople. The diaper is
launched at it, passing unharmed through the cloud which, contaminated, dies
with a very convincing series of gasps and coughs. The probe retrieves the
diaper and reattaches it to the baby, which stops screaming and begins to
suck one of its moons. The probe comes back on board, and a cooing Daaaaaaave
reluctantly abandons the baby and steers the ship wildly toward the Clouds
of Magellan as the crew head off for a really unthinkably nasty brekkers.
-Lt. McDonagh
---------------
Date: Wed, 25 Jul 90 00:20:48 -0600
From: zecca@tramp (Loqutus of Borg)
To: junk@typhoon.ucar.EDU
Subject: ST:TSG (SHORT)
"The Crouton of Oz"
Guest star
Tiffany as Judy
Directed by Steven Spielberg
The _Rampage_'s new computer, Judy, turns out to be a real dud (VMS) and
crashes repeatedly, causing Admiral Avenger much aggravation and much lost
research time. Will he be able to replace Judy with a REAL (aka UNIX) machine
in time, or will the Wicked Judy of the East destroy the _Rampage_ in a fit
of rage on the next exciting episode of
Staaar Trek: The Summer Generation?
---------------
Date: Wed, 25 Jul 90 10:45:14 MDT
From: zecca_m%cubldr@spot.ucar.EDU (Kris 'T'Lilith' Coulter)
Subject: ST:TSG (short) "Time Burp"
Next time, on an all-new episode of
Staaar Trek, the Summer Generation:
"Time Burp"
Setting off on some fancy new mission, all the Croutonprize's
crew are happily busy except for Admiral T'Lilith, whose Assistant to
the Principal Investigator is running late again. Will her Vulcan half
be able to telepathically communicate with her supervisor so she will
know how to perform the new experiment before her Klingon half plots
revenge?
Stay tuned for the boring conclusion in some episode in the vague
future....
-- Lilith
----------
Date: Tue, 31 Jul 90 01:18:43 -0600
From: zecca@tramp (Loqutus of Borg)
Subject: ST:TSG (*LONG*)
Commander Kabeta scans the horizon as her away team run tricorder scans and
collect samples of plants and microorganisms for later study. Zenador films
a primitve amphibian hopping through a swampy puddle, while Dr. Flieder and
Ensign Jen-L run full medical tricorder scans. Jez collects plant life while
Soraya runs an atmospheric composition scan.
Kabeta: Zenador, what's your opinion?
Zenador: It looks like, given several million years of evolution, this planet
will develop dinosaurs. Perhaps this time, they will survive the extinction
that occurred on Earth.
Kabeta: And perhaps develop a race like the Gorn? Possibly...
Lt. Gretzky walks out from behind a dense fern.
Gretzky: Commander, come and take a look at this.
Kabeta and Zenador rush over to Gretzky's fern, where a small statuette of
an ugly small humanoid rests. It is covered with dried blood and some signs
of caked flesh.
Kabeta: What is it?
Zenador: Not native to this world. At least, it SHOULDn't be. We have
detected no signs of intelligent life. We haven't detected signs of
anything more advanced than an early toad.
Gretzky: How long do you think it's been here?
Zenador (scanning): No more than two weeks.
Kabeta: Fascinating...
* * * * *
"A Change of Pace"
Directed by Colm Meaney
* * * * *
"Captain's Log, Stardate 100512.8:
Commander Kabeta's away team has returned from the planet's surface...
with a most unusual artifact left behind quite recently by some form of
alien intelligence."
Zenador and Kabeta stand in Captain Crouton's office. He is examining the
idol closely, pacing back and forth.
Crouton: Definitely produced by an intelligence. What is all this blood
and flesh? Have you had it analyzed?
Zenador: Not yet, Captain. We wanted you to see it first. But I'll take
it down first thing.
Crouton (handing idol to Zenador): Thank you. Who do you think made it?
Kabeta: Kelvins perhaps?
Zenador: No, the climate's too warm.
Kabeta: It kind of looks like a leprechaun crossed with a termite.
Crouton: Leprechaun, commander?
Kabeta: Irish mythology. Leprechauns were...
Crouton: Oh, yes. Of course.
Zenador: Perhaps some form of religious symbol for whatever race left it here?
Crouton: Good conjecture. Look into it.
* * * * *
[ Zoom in on starboard aft saucer section to a quiet biology lab on Deck 12. ]
Ensign Icefalcon continues his electron microscope scans on sample after
sample of plant life. Jen-L runs similar scans on microbe life.
Icefalcon: Fascinating. These plants are nearly identical to the fossilized
plants we have discovered from the same time period on Earth.
Jen-L: The viral and bacterial strains are very similar as well. Amazing.
Admiral T'Lilith enters from a side lab to load a new sample into its highly
shielded viewing area.
T'Lilith: What kind of progress?
Icefalcon: Nearly identical to Earth of same time period - across the board.
T'Lilith: I concur. Some of the amphibians studied by the away team show
signs of increased reptilian behavior probability. Very soon we will not
be able to tell the land-based reptiles from the land-adapted amphibians.
Doors open and Zenador enters with the idol.
T'Lilith: nuqneH, Commander.
Zenador: The captain wanted me to bring this to you.
T'Lilith (examining the idol): For what reason? This looks like a simple
artifact. It should go to Archaeology.
Zenador: Take a closer look, Admiral. The dried blood and flesh.
Jen-L: Why wasn't this contained like the rest of the material?
Zenador: I..I don't know.
T'Lilith: Take care of it, Ensign. (Powering up another scanner) Let's see
who's been playing in our sandbox.
* * * * *
Captain Crouton flips through page after page of a gravitation text on
his monitor. Finding the page he wants, he sits back, sips his root beer,
and begins reading. The door chimes.
Crouton: Come in.
Dr. Flieder walks in. The door shuts behind her. She remains standing,
fairly rigidly.
Dr. Flieder: My request for transfer has been accepted by Star Fleet. I
will be leaving for Star Fleet Headquarters as soon as a ship is available.
Crouton: May I ask why?
Dr. Flieder: The stress of shipboard life is becoming too much for me.
The Star Fleet Surgeon General's office is seeking three more experienced
medical officers to add to the support staff. I applied and was accepted
for one of those positions.
Crouton: If you had wanted a recommendation for such a promotion, I would
have given it to you. You are a fine doctor.
Dr. Flieder: I wanted to stand on my own merits.
Crouton: All right. (stands and extends a hand) Congratulations.
Dr. Flieder (shaking hands): Thank you, Chris.
* * * * *
In his office, Admiral Avenger plays Twaidelek, an addictive video game
produced by the Ferengi, which has most recently become quite popular in
the Federation. Suddenly, he stops as an idea strikes him like a brick.
Avenger: I've got to talk to Picard.
* * * * *
T'Lilith: Zen, run a full genetic sweep on these blood cells. Also run
a similar scan on the three flesh samples.
Zen: You know, I'm really shouldn't be doing this. My primary training
is in temporal dynamics.
T'Lilith: Just do it.
Icefalcon: Do you have any ideas yet, Admiral?
T'Lilith: Not yet. I'm hoping I'll see something familiar in the genetic
patterns of the cells.
Icefalcon: They strike me as having been...almost like they were cooked,
but at planetary "room" temperature.
T'Lilith: Well, what are you thinking?
Zen: Blood cell scan complete. Now running flesh samples.
T'Lilith: Blood cell scan on the wall viewer, please.
The large screen on the wall of the lab becomes filled with a variety of
genetic data.
T'Lilith: Remarkable.
Icefalcon: Look here. (points to part of a gene track) Telltale signs
of a life form that thrives in extreme cold.
T'Lilith: So you think it's a Kelvin?
Icefalcon: That would be my first guess.
T'Lilith: But we can't be sure, since we've never sampled Kelvin DNA.
Still...if this IS a Kelvin, we may have stumbled onto something Star
Fleet will find very interesting.
Zen: Error in first flesh sample. Mismatched DNA sampling. Segmentation
fault (core dumped).
Jen-L (walking in from a side lab): Zen, remove core, then rerun first
flesh sample, separating the mismatched DNA and run a separate sample
on each.
Zen: Oh, yeah. I *told* you this isn't my field.
T'Lilith: Icefalcon, see if you can clone some cells from the blood cell
sample, then run some temperature/climate tests. Maybe we can pin down
with more certainty that these are Kelvin cells.
Icefalcon: I'll get right on it. (moves to a side lab)
Zen: First flesh sample complete. Two distinct DNA samplings.
Jen-L: Reason for two?
Zen: One is the flesh sample itself. The other represents the saliva
traces contained in the flesh.
Jen-L: Saliva?
T'Lilith: Put the saliva scan on screen.
The saliva scan appears on the screen. Both Jen-L and T'Lilith look confused.
T'Lilith: This isn't right...this *CAN'T* be right...
* * * * *
Captain Crouton enters the main conference room and moves slowly to his
chair. The importance of the meeting is represented by the large number
of people standing around the room, due to the lack of enough chairs.
Crouton: Admiral T'Lilith has requested this conference to discuss the
findings of her team about the extraterrestrial intelligence. Admiral.
T'Lilith: While investigating the genetic imprint of the flesh and blood
samples left on the idol, Zen discovered a SECOND genetic imprint due to
saliva mixed into the flesh.
Highlander: Saliva? What are you getting at?
T'Lilith: Jen-L and I will get to that in a moment. First, Icefalcon.
Icefalcon: The blood and the actual skin cells remaining on the idol are
of Kelvin stock, from what we believe.
Jez: Mrowp. Mrow. Meow. (I thought we didn't have any Kelvin genetic
information.)
Icefalcon: Well, we don't. However, the preliminary studies of these cells
show a preferred temperature range similar to that we know the Kelvins
themselves prefer, with only a 2% margin of error.
Kabeta: So, if this is really Kelvin genetic material, then we have made
a great discovery.
T'Lilith: Exactly. It is the saliva sample which poses the greater problem.
The chemical scan of the saliva sample appears on the viewscreen.
Ghiasi: Umm...isn't that a little...weird?
Jen-L: Exactly. The saliva contains a high concentration of sulfuric acid,
as well as traces of pure arsenic and cyanide. Easily kills its prey and
begins digesting it upon contact.
Crouton: Do you think this is some form of animal life, as yet undiscovered
by our teams, on the planet's surface.
A genetic scan appears on the screen.
T'Lilith: No. As you can see, there were a few residual cells from the
life form's own mouth mixed into the saliva.
Icefalcon: Apparently, this Kelvin put up quite a fight as he was being
simultaneously burned to death by the searing heat of the planet and
decomposed by the life form's saliva.
Jen-L: The peculiar part, as you can see, is that this life form's DNA
are composed of a TRIPLE helix.
Flieder (surprised): A what?
Icefalcon: There are, in fact, two other documented species in our own
galaxy that use the triple helix. But they're both no higher evolved
than trilobytes.
T'Lilith: The difference here is that we believe the life forms are
intelligent.
Many: What?!?
Crouton: Admiral, perhaps you'd care to explain--
Zen: < RED ALERT > < RED ALERT > Lt. Himle to the bridge. < RED ALERT >
Crew members disperse quickly. Gretzky looks up from the tactical station
as Captain Crouton enters to take his chair.
Gretzky: Another Lucky Charm vessel just manifested itself around us.
Crouton: Raise shields. Mr. Himle, evaluate escape maneuvers. Soraya,
give me full sensor scans. Gretzky, hailing frequencies.
Suddenly, the white plane of light that previously was identified as a
Lucky Charm full sensor probe, begins to pass through the ship again.
As it passes across the bridge, it suddenly stops and triangulates as
it reaches the surprised Zenador, who holds the now clean idol.
Kabeta: Don't make any sudden moves.
Zenador: Well, certainly I'm not going to make any sudden moves!
Suddenly, a disembodied arm, very large, very thick, and very powerful
appears in the air next to Zenador and grabs the idol from him, claws
ripping his skin in the process. The arm as quickly vanishes. Zenador
screams in agony. The sensor probe disappears, and a moment later, the
Lucky Charm vessel phases out of existence.
Himle: I _hate_ it when they do that.
Dr. Flieder rushes to Zenador's aid, grabbing emergency supplies quickly
from her bag.
Flieder: What do you feel?
Zenador: Burning...like acid...and like it's infected...
Zenador's breath begins to come in short gasps.
Flieder: Oh my God. I'm losing him.
* * * * *
The sick bay doors open as Gretzky and Highlander carry Zenador's limp body
quickly through the doors. Flieder and her aides immediately begin work on
the fallen officer.
Flieder: Start a transfusion and get me the CPR unit.
Highlander: S***. I didn't realize it was this serious.
Nurse Airport: I'm reading high levels of arsenic and cyanogens in his
blood stream.
Flieder: Clear! (BWOOMP)
Gretzky: Let's wait outside. We're in the way here.
* * * * *
Kabeta has joined Gretzky and Highlander outside the Sick Bay, pacing and
pacing and pacing. Lt. McDonagh approaches with Daaaaaave in his arms.
McDonagh: I thought he should be here.
Dr. Flieder steps out of Sick Bay, haggard and flustered.
Flieder: He's all right, but he'll need time to recover. His heart was
stopped for 12 minutes. No brain damage, though.
Kabeta: May we see him?
Flieder: Later. (pause) It really IS time for me to leave.
* * * * *
"Captain's Log, Stardate 100515.7:
Lt. Cdr. Zenador is recovering after his run-in with Lucky Charm
body chemistry. The unfortunate incident has, however, confirmed the
speculations of our team of geneticists. The Lucky Charms definitely
have some influence in this galaxy and do seem to feed on Kelvins, amongst
other life forms. Whether they will find US as tasty is yet to be known.
Meanwhile, I've received some rather unsettling news from Admiral
Avenger..."
T'Lilith: I don't want you to go.
Avenger: I don't want to go either, but I feel it's necessary.
T'Lilith: I'll go with you.
Avenger (holding her tightly): boH'wI, I hope to be back before you know
it. It's better for your career if you stay here.
T'Lilith: I..I..I..
Avenger: Please...don't make it any harder than it has to be.
Admiral Avenger steps up to the Croutonizer, where Dr. Flieder awaits. A
variety of luggage and other supplies sit upon the rest of the pad.
Avenger stiffens, then turns around.
Avenger: I'll be back.
Avenger and Flieder vanish as Taubman operates the controls.
T'Lilith: I hope so.
* * * * *
Crouton: Are they safely aboard the _Rampage_?
Gretzky: Yes, Captain.
Crouton: Then, Mr. Chuang, Jolt-Warp Factor 4.
Chuang: Course, Captain?
Crouton: Take us somewhere no one's gone before...
------------------
Date: Tue, 31 Jul 90 09:52:25 EDT
From: shectman%husc4@harvard.harvard.edu (Nicholas Shectman)
To: junk@typhoon.ucar.EDU
Subject: ST:TSG _what did i call that last episode?_
Neeext on Star Trek: the Crouton Generation, join us for the conclusion
of the episode the name of which phi has forgotten:
"Blueshift, part II"
Six days after his mysterious departure and four days after
the ship received a faint homing signal from a nearby stellar system,
Zenador shows up in the _Blueshift_ from the _opposite_ direction.
He is exhausted and somewhat sunburned, but otherwise OK, and seems
slightly excited about something.
Zenador disappears into his chambers entering data into Daaaaaave
for a day or two, and emerges, hungry but rested, with a strange tale of
life in the LMG.
Apparently we are not the only civilization mounting expeditions
to other galaxies. In particular, the ever-present Martins have sent their
starship Anastasia to these parts. Their main drive has broken down,
however, and they are stuck in subspace a few parsecs from my beacon.
On my way to study what I suspected to be one of their remote
bases (martins reproduce rapidly and leave their kind wherever they go),
I was taken hostage and asked to help in the repair of their starship.
I managed to escape by sending the _Blueshift_ into a stellar gravity-\
assisted warp approach, but had no control over my destination, and
ended up at a point equally distant from the _Croutonprize_ as when I
started, but much further from the Martins' ship. After a day spent
repairing heat damage to the _Blueshift_ (small craft aren't meant
for stellar proximity), I managed to get my craft home.
It's good to be back.
------------------
Date: Thu, 9 Aug 90 01:03:31 -0600
From: zecca@tramp (Good old Baldy)
To: junk@typhoon.ucar.EDU
Subject: ST:TSG (**ALL NEW**)
"Turnabout Counselor"
Mysterious occurences aboard the _Croutonprize_ and the discovery of
the ruins of an ancient civilization on a small world lead to a shocking
conclusion, when Counselor Neon and Vanessa "Bruce" Baker suddenly
switch bodies! Will Neon be trapped under the thumb of the Rice fascists?
Will Vanessa be able to handle "Modlov" and the Riddler? Stay tuned,
as Jez the Wonder Kitty learns to play saxophone on the next exciting
episode of Star Trek: The Summer Generation...
------------------
Date: Fri, 10 Aug 90 01:18:57 -0600
From: zecca@tramp (Good old Baldy)
To: junk@typhoon.ucar.EDU
Subject: ST:TSG (** NEW AND IMPROVED **)
"Felinophobia"
Special guest star
Beth "Dead Pedestrian" Zecca as Hippie Woman
An away team discovers a small Kelvin community on an outlying world on
the far rim of the Small Magellanic Cloud. When the shocked Kelvins
discover Jez the Wonder Kitty amongst the members of the away team,
they scream "Woogles!" and run for cover, arming themselves to the teeth
and calling in reinforcements. Will Jez the Wonder Kitty and a small
army of felines (Dinger, Miranda, Cleo, Mandelbrot, and the notorious
"Gretzky Kitty") cast a shadow of fear over the frightened Kelvins?
Will the _Croutonprize_ face a small Kelvin fleet over this minor incident
or will the distress call be ignored by the cold military leaders of the
Kelvin Empire? And what will Missy do when Hippie Woman makes a surprise
appearance and accidentally breaks all the lights in Engineering as the
Croutons fight to survive?
------------------
Date: Fri, 10 Aug 90 13:50:37 -0600
From: zecca@tramp (Good old Baldy)
To: junk@typhoon.ucar.EDU
Subject: ST:TSG (** LONG **)
"First Officer's Log, Stardate 100862.8:
The _Croutonprize_ has received a distress call from Dresnel, a planet
which extended shore leave rights to us upon our first contact with them
several months ago. Captain Crouton has ordered Jolt-Factor 7. I just
hope we don't run into any F***ing Lucky Charms along the way."
Vanessa "Bruce" walks into the Molecular Biology lab at 2330 ship's time.
Bruce: Admiral, is there something wrong?
Admiral T'Lilith looks up from her terminal, bleary-eyed.
T'Lilith: What?
Bruce: Is there something wrong?
T'Lilith: Our study of the genetic patterns of the Kelvins and Lucky Charms
has been absolutely fascinating...but I'd still rather he were here.
Bruce: The Admiral, you mean?
T'Lilith: Yes.
Bruce: Did you two ever manage to get married?
T'Lilith (sighing): Not yet. Every time we scheduled a wedding, a Kelvin
or a Hidden Valley Rancher showed up to crash the party.
Bruce: Have you heard from him at all?
T'Lilith: Only once...and it was very mysterious. It seemed like SOMEthing
was wrong. I keep wondering if it's something _I_ did.
Bruce: Look, he took off in a hurry. Maybe whatever it is that he had to
discuss with Picard is serious enough that he hasn't had time to talk to you.
T'Lilith: Or maybe he's just absorbing himself in it -- I don't know.
Zen: < YELLOW ALERT > < YELLOW ALERT > Dresnel ETA 2 minutes. < YELLOW ALERT >
* * * * *
"Magically Delicious"
Guest stars
Mr. Whipple as General Secretary Charmyne
Directed by Paul Verhoeven
* * * * *
Captain Crouton enters the bridge from his Ready Room. The bridge is in
a flurry of activity as the regular officers take over their consoles
from their nighttime replacements. He sits down in the captain's chair
between Highlander and Kabeta. Counselor Neon takes a seat on one of
the command benches.
Highlander: Mr. Himle, shields on full. Mr. Chuang, slow to 3/4 impulse.
Crouton: Soraya, a full sensor sweep, if you please.
Ghiasi: Dresnel is surrounded by Lucky Charm ships. There's a red balloon,
blue diamond, orange star, yellow moon, green clover, purple horseshoe,
and a red heart.
Himle (under his breath): Damn. I knew it.
Gretzky: Incoming communication from planet Dresnel.
Crouton: On screen, if you please.
The image of a beleaguered General Secretary Charmyne appears. Screams
can be heard all over in the background and a scene of terror is vaguely
visible through the windows on the street below.
Charmyne: Captain, you have to help us! Hideous creatures are appearing
from nowhere and EATING my people!
Suddenly, two beings phase into existence on either side of Charmyne.
They stand approximately ten feet tall and look like a hideous cross
between a termite and a leprechaun. Their large mandibles slide back
and forth in rabid anticipation of a tasty meal.
Highlander: Taubman, croutonize him NOW!
Charmyne disappears as the two beings reach for him. They instead tear
flesh from each other as they bite at the air left in his wake. What
follows is a hideous display of two Lucky Charms trying to eat one another!
Blood, acid, and a variety of toxins spray all over the room and all over
each of the beings. Suddenly the communications link is cut.
Crouton: Thank you, Commander Kabeta.
Lt. Chuang suddenly rushes from the bridge, clutching his hand tightly
over his mouth with a look of extreme nausea.
Crouton (rushing to man the con): Damn.
Kabeta: Mr. Turner, to the bridge.
Neon: Captain, I sense indigestion and nausea all over the ship.
Gretzky: Captain, General Secretary Charmyne is on his way to the bridge.
Highlander: Arm all weapons and prepare to take us in.
Crouton: Belay that order.
Many bridge crew: What?!
The turbolift opens and Lt. JG Turner and Charmyne enter.
Crouton (getting up): General Secretary, a moment in my Ready Room, please.
Number One, keep us out of trouble.
Crouton, Charmyne, and Neon leave the bridge and Turner takes over the
abandoned helm.
Highlander: We've got to nail those F***ers!
Kabeta: There are too many of them. And we can't even move in the same
dimensions they can.
* * * * *
Charmyne: It's terrible, Captain. These beings just started appearing out
of nowhere, all over my planet. They...they...started tearing my
people...apart. And they weren't just content with killing them...
Crouton: I know, General Secretary. And I'm sorry. There's just very
little we can--
Charmyne: You mean you're going to let them DIE?!?
Neon: Even with technology more advanced than your own, we are powerless
against this race. We know very little about them, and what we do know
is very frightening to us.
Charmyne: Captain, you have to do SOMEthing!
Crouton: All right. (taps panel) Mr. Gretzky, recall the _Chivalier_
and the _Comatose_ to this sector.
Gretzky (ic): Captain, that's outside your command parameters. You'll have
to take it to the Admiral. Oh, but wait...
Neon: With Admiral Avenger away, Commodore Bradford is head of operations.
Crouton: Gretzky, get Commodore Bradford up here.
* * * * *
A bleary-eyed Jen-L staggers into the Exobiology Conference Room, where
Admiral T'Lilith, Ensign Icefalcon, and a number of other biology staff
sit half-awake.
Jen-L: What was so important that we have to be up all night?
T'Lilith: The planet Dresnel has succumbed to a Lucky Charm invasion. We
have recovered the General Secretary, but the rest of the population is
bound to perish.
Icefalcon: That sounds like a job for tactical. Why did you call us in?
T'Lilith: We have been studying the Lucky Charms more than the rest of
the crew. At this point, we know of no normal weapons that we can
actually use against them. However, perhaps we can provide the Captain
with a biological weapon to use against them.
At this point, the young Vulcan biologist Sarwik clears his throat.
Sarwik: Admiral, biological weapons have been outlawed by eight different
and successive treaty conventions since the formation of the Federation.
T'Lilith: It may be the only way we can defend ourselves from them. And
now that they've had a chance to study our ship a few times...
Jen-L: ...Maybe they'll go to our homeworlds in search of more food!
Oh no...
T'Lilith (thinking): Perhaps _that_'s why he was so worried. But why
wouldn't he tell me?!?
* * * * *
Bradford: Moo, Captain.
Captain: Commodore, as senior Star Fleet Command official in this galaxy,
you have Star Fleet authority over all ships here. We have a full-blown
Lucky Charm invasion going on on Dresnel and I'd like to request both our
sister ships for back-up.
Bradford: Sure...if you think it'll help. From what I understand about
Lucky Charms, that won't make any real difference.
Charmyne: Are you SERIOUS?
Neon: The Lucky Charms are unlike any being we have previously encountered.
* * * * *
"Security Chief's Log, Stardate 100865.4:
_Chivalier_ should be here within the hour. _Comatose_ has an ETA of
four hours seven minutes. The Lucky Charm ships have not moved from their
original orbits during the three days we've been sitting here. Constant
monitoring of Dresnel's surface shows the continual wearing down of the
population. We have been able to beam aboard about 5000 survivors without
resistance, but we believe that time is the only thing that separates us
from being a target.
We hope that Admiral T'Lilith will come up with a solution in time.
I just hope we get out of this alive."
Captain Crouton nods off in his chair, after spending about 70 of the
past 72 hours awake in some capacity. As he finally begins to near
unconsciousness, his root beer bottle tips at an awkward angle, pouring
root beer into Commander Kabeta's lap. Suddenly,
Zen: < RED ALERT > < RED ALERT > Hostile ship is magically delicious - er,
I mean approaching.
Crouton jerks awake and drops his root beer bottle.
Crouton: On screen. Get me the Admiral.
The blue diamond suddenly peels off from planetary orbit and begins to
make a beeline directly toward the _Croutonprize_.
Highlander: Gretzky, fire full spread.
Gretzky unleashes everything the _Croutonprize_ has. The Lucky Charm
vessel simply phases out of existence before the weapons hit.
Crouton: S***.
* * * * *
Ensign Salaman and Commander Tangent walk down a hallway toward the
recreation deck, laughing aloud.
Tangent: So then...
Suddenly a seven foot tall Lucky Charm steps out of a solid wall and
slices its mandibles back and forth in eager anticipation of another
wonderful meal.
Salaman: Security! They're on board!
* * * * *
T'Lilith: They're on board?!? We're not ready! We're not ready!
This can't be happening!
Crouton(ic): What do you mean? What are we facing?
T'Lilith: We're facing our own deaths, Chris. (tears begin to stream
down her face, unseemly for both Vulcan and Klingon, but she makes no
attempt to fight them back now) We're all going to die.
* * * * *
Captain Crouton returns to the bridge from his Ready Room and walks up
to Science Station 3.
Crouton: Mr. Himle, plot a collision course with Dresnel. Mr. Chuang,
prepare to engage, Maximum Warp, on my command. Number One, I need you
up here.
Crew members stand shocked as Highlander slowly walks up to Crouton.
Highlander: What are you doing?
Crouton: We have no other choice. We're going to take as many of them out
as we can. Gretzky, send our last log entries to Starfleet and our sister
ships. Warn them away!
Highlander: Self-destruct? ... On a collision course... (a sudden look of
realization) We're going to turn ourselves into a planet-cracker!
Crouton: Exactly. Zen, call up self-destruct sequence, code --
Suddenly, three 12 foot tall Lucky Charms step out of the ceiling of the
bridge and land, blocking the exits. One grabs the nearest unnamed
Ensign and rips off his left arm, quickly sticking the arm between its
poison mandibles.
Highlander: F***! (draws his sword)
Suddenly...
< PPPKKKHHHEEEWWW >
The Lucky Charms disappear and the ship begins to whirl all around the crew
as they become dizzy with vertigo and motion sickness. The viewscreen image
is a blur of stars in rapid rotation.
[Exterior view] The Croutonprize is flung parsecs/second across the galaxy,
rotating end over end. It finally comes to a stop at what appears thousands
of parsecs away, perhaps completely on the other side of the Small Magellanic
Cloud.
[Interior again] Crew begin to pick themselves off the floor. Ensign
Baldwin bleeds from his gaping arm socket as he fights for breath. Crouton
and Kabeta rush to his aid. Highlander staggers to his feet and notices the
tall, omnipotent presence standing in a false Admiral's uniform before the
captain's chair.
Highlander: You! What the F*** are you doing here?
The Kunz turns around, smiling toward the _Croutonprize_'s first officer.
The Kunz (big grin): I'm baaaaaaack.....
------------------
Date: Mon, 13 Aug 90 01:44:18 -0600
From: zecca@tramp (Good old Baldy)
To: junk@typhoon.ucar.EDU
Subject: ST:TSG (* Medium Length *)
[Exterior view] Croutonprize is flung parsecs/second across the galaxy,
rotating end over end. It finally comes to a stop at what appears thousands
of parsecs away, perhaps completely on the other side of the Small Magellanic
Cloud.
[Interior view] Crew begin to pick themselves off the floor. Ensign
Baldwin bleeds from his gaping arm socket as he fights for breath. Crouton
and Kabeta rush to his aid. Highlander staggers to his feet and notices
the tall, omnipotent presence standing in a false Admiral's uniform before
the captain's chair.
Highlander: You! What the F*** are you doing here?
The Kunz turns around, smiling toward the _Croutonprize_'s first officer.
The Kunz (big grin): I'm baaaaaaack.....
* * * * *
"Kunz Charming"
Special guest star
The Kunz as himself
Directed by Bill Bixby
* * * * *
"Captain's Log, Stardate 100865.7:
We have been miraculously saved from becoming a four hundred course
meal for the Lucky Charms by the return of our old impish omnipotent being,
the Kunz. Unfortunately, the planet Dresnel was not so lucky..."
Crouton: The Kunz. I should have known you'd show up sooner or later.
The Kunz: I'm truly sorry. I was rather busy with some other matters.
I see you've managed to get yourself into quite a pickle.
Kabeta: Who *is* this?
Highlander: The Kunz has an annoying habit of showing up when we least need
it and posing us strange physics problems. He has a particular tendency
to bog down Zen and the Admiral.
Crouton: And myself...in earlier days...
The Kunz: What are your people doing out here? You've come too far, too
fast. You've condemned your Federation...in fact, your entire galaxy...
to serving the Lucky Charms.
T'Lilith (stepping onto the bridge from the Captain's Ready Room): You are
quite wrong, sir. Our people will not be subjugated. We have repelled
the Borg and we will repel the Lucky Charms the same way.
The Kunz: No, I did not mean serve, as in slavery. I meant serve, as in
dinner. The Lucky Charms will literally eat their way through your galaxy
and there is nothing you can do now to stop it.
Neon: Captain, I sense fear...astonishing fear...
Kabeta: In the infamous Kunz???
The Kunz (unsettled): Well, of course I'm afraid. Who wouldn't be?
T'Lilith: From what my fiance has told me, your people are omnipotent.
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